Yesterday my boss approved a trip to Oahu, Hawaii for March 9th-13th. My husband and I will go there to visit potential clients. Our company bids jobs such as water treatment plants, subways and even fish hatcheries. As general manager, one of my husband’s jobs is sales. In fact, he is the only person in the company that does this. We have estimators who do the paperwork for the bids but they do very little to actually sell the jobs. Without my husband, the company would not be where it is today. Thus, why he will be given stocks and eventually be part owner.
Travel to Hawaii is long and so two full days of a five day trip will be devoted to air travel. I have flown to Australia so I know the drill. We have two layovers on the way (yuck) but my husband did this on purpose to get off the plane and walk. He said he couldn’t imagine 11 hours of sitting.
Once there we will be staying at a resort on Waikiki beach with an ocean view. We have not made any plans on what we will do while there except for two meetings with construction companies. There are no volcanoes on Oahu so I am tempted to do one of those all-day trips to the Big Island to see a volcano or two. We will see what happens. At the very least I want to snorkel/scuba dive and see a waterfall or two.
I am a little concerned about sleep, though. My husband booked a room with a king bed. He knows I struggle to sleep with him, even in the same room, because of his snoring and high energy. He also knows I struggle to sleep when in a new place. It could be that all this will be no big deal but I really value my sleep. I am going to look for a white noise app or similar and hope that it will work to drown out the sound of his snoring and other noises. This is one of the only ways I can fall asleep at home and during our last trip together I brought my fan and was able to sleep well at a bed and breakfast.
The funny thing about this trip is that for a few days it looked like we wouldn’t be going. My husband stupidly told his brother about the trip and then his brother wanted to go and bring his wife. My boss did not approve that and my husband really wanted them to go so he was going to let them go in our place. I would not have it and told him it made no sense because it was a sales trip and his brother doesn’t do sales. So, my husband had decided no one would go. Yet the whole time I actually saw myself in Hawaii, so I knew it would happen. I told my husband, he laughed, and the next day his brother backed out and everything was approved.
Yesterday I stayed home from work. My stomach and lower back hurt all day. Not only did I have some kind of intestinal virus that had me running to the toilet all the time but I also started my period. Really great timing, body! So I had both kinds of cramps and just felt really shitty. It felt like being kicked in the stomach by a child. Just a dull ache all day.
I am still not 100% today. Ever since my c-section in 2014 my period has been rough. It use to be worse so I am grateful it has at least toned down. This month it is early and worse than normal. It is hard to tell if I am still sick with the virus or if it is my period causing the discomfort right now. I will likely go to work and see if I can manage regardless.
It seems like lately if I get sick it is intestinal. This is the realm of the solar plexus chakra. Ever since I was a small child I have issues in this area of my body. When little I was diagnosed with a spastic colon (IBS) and had to go into the doctor and get injections just to have a bowel movement! It was really painful and the curse haunted me well into my teens. IBS can cause bloating, cramping, diarrhea, constipation, vomiting and dizziness (maybe more but these were my symptoms). I would be up all night in pain, throwing up, sweating, doubled over in tears until I would finally use the toilet. Diet and exercise nipped it in the bud for me.
Since lately my issues seem to be diarrhea, the message is that I feel like I cannot have what I want and so give up on my goals. It also indicates I am not absorbing or learning my lessons.
IBS means I do not feel comfortable with asking for what I want. I hold back and keep things to myself (don’t ask for help, self-sufficient, independent). When I feel relaxed enough to express my ideas, opinions and knowledge, then my “digestion of life – inflow and outflow – is balanced and harmonious”.
I find it interesting that my symptoms relate so well to how I feel. I have given up and I have given up so much that I can’t even recall what I wanted anymore. I am left with no goals, a bleak outlook on life and my future and this feeling of a vast expanse of nothing ahead of me. I do not ask for help or seek it. I tend to look to myself to resolve all my problems and if I cannot fix something myself then I feel like a failure.
My mom also has IBS which is not surprising. She taught me to be the way I am. I remember feeling like I was bad if I was not able to solve problems on my own. Asking for help resulted in an irritated response from my mom. She made me feel like I was a burden and should know better than to ask her for help. If I kept quiet and out of her way then I was able to be free of her negative reactions. So that is what I did.
Hold it in. Don’t ask for help. Don’t show emotions like grief or fear or confusion.
No wonder I am a constant flow of tears and grief these days. I’ve been holding it in since childhood!!
My tummy says I am still doing it, too. 😦 If I can’t release this crap then it will implode and become a worse physical ailment. My grandmother technically died from a UTI that spread to her heart, but prior to that struggled with diverticulitis for years (over a decade). It kept recurring and causing her pain. I find it no coincidence that my mom AND my grandmother had issues with the same area. Strong women in our family but it backfires.