Message: 11/11 Convergence

It’s been an odd couple of days. Yesterday I was a bit grumpy and irritable – definitely in “I’m not taking any shit” mode. Mostly I was standing up for myself and not allowing others to make me feel guilty for who I am (personality-wise).

My specific upset yesterday was with my husband and his tendency to force me into situations that I dislike. I tend toward introversion, though I can be very extroverted at times, but I need lots of space and time alone, especially before and after lots of socializing. My home is my sanctuary, so I don’t like visitors without enough time to process and prepare for them. My husband is extroverted and likes to invite family and friends over and does so, often without asking/telling me. Yesterday he wanted us to have a bunch of family over. I was against it and wanted to move it to the weekend (more time to prepare). He got very upset and tried to convince me that something is wrong with me for not liking people, for not wanting to be social, etc. I was not having it. Nothing is wrong with me. We are just different and that is OK.

In-between this argument that seemed to last all day (plus we work together lol), there was a sense of the coming “storm” that I have been warned about since the summer. First there was hurricane Michael, which I predicted would hit Florida when it was in it’s early stages down in the Gulf. And now there is major flooding in Central Texas (where I live) that is devastating communities. Not only is this happening in the US, but there have been other devastating climate-related disasters (typhoons) in the East. I can’t help but wonder if this is part of the “storm”? The physical Earth-part anyway and all of involving flooding….Flooding, emotion, deep-cleansing…hmmm

My dreams lead me to believe that the “storm” is related to the rise of the Divine Feminine. I know I feel very strong, powerful and defiant right now. I am reminded of the World War II poster below:Image result for WWII poster of woman

I think collectively women have reached a point where they are fed up and finally willing to push back. Perhaps that is also what planet Earth is doing with all the natural disasters? Mother Earth is saying, “NO MORE!”

Dream: 11/11 Convergence

This dream seemed to take place in a void. I remember seeing mostly black as if looking up into space. My husband was sitting next to me. It seemed like we were at an astrological consult/reading. A masculine voice was telling us about an upcoming event. In my mind I saw a calendar focused in on the month of November. It seemed like a long time away, like a year in the future. I said, “11/11. Isn’t that the Harmonic Convergence or something?” The voice said, “You know what is coming.” I said, “It’s one of those astrological things. I can never remember what they are called.” Then I said, “11/11, the time for action- when we put to use all we’ve learned.” I thought for a bit and said back to the masculine voice, “But wait. We are doing that now, aren’t we?” I looked at my husband as if telling him this. He didn’t seem to know what was going on.

I only remembered this dream after waking up feeling down and pessimistic. My guide said, “Remember….” and then I remembered the dream. Perhaps the dream is a message about a convergence – becoming Whole – in the future? It felt like 11/11 is in 2019, not this year based upon how far in the future the visual seemed in the dream. I guess we’ll see.

Dream: Weave Dancer

In this dream I was part of a group of young women who were learning to weave (put together pieces, look at the whole) dance (learning to let go), at least that is what I’m going to call it. The “dance” consisted of women dancing and twirling as they held what resembled beaded, shiny ropes that seemed to have no end. If you have ever heard of the Maypole, it looked a lot like that but without the pole and using fabric and beads of gemstone. The result of the dance was an intricate braided artwork that was strung across the entire room like a giant spider’s web of colored fabric and gemstones.

I sat with other women and listened as it was explained what we were to do. I felt it would be too difficult and that I was too old. All the women seemed much younger and youthful than me. I watched a young women dance and twirl gracefully with her braided (courage) pieces of colored fabric. It was beautiful and magical.

As I began to dance (freedom) with the beaded fabric the wall next to me morphed and moved. I was walking up the wall and onto the ceiling, moving along with the wall. I was afraid at first but focused on my dancing and weaving. The wall/floor was white and smooth, my beaded fabric a rainbow of colors twisting and turning into amazing patterns. I never fell or stumbled because I focused on my weave dancing and not on the fear.

Afterward the other young woman was upset because she couldn’t find a piece for her weaving. I picked up a tiny model of something (house maybe?) and showed her the pieces she was looking for on it and said, “Just use these.” The pieces resembled long, white staffs or rods that were flexible. They may have actually been crochet hooks. I took one off and handed it to her. The structure was not compromised.

Then we were going to get a bite to eat. I stood in line and told the lady that I wanted beets (success and abundance) and pointed to them. They were cut into long slices. She placed several on my plate, one like a parsnip. Then I told her I wanted pizza (abundance, variety, choices), too, and she placed a couple of slices on my plate. Another lady placed a large piece of white cake (acceptance of rewards for hard work) on my plate. I said, “I didn’t…” and she began to remove it and then I laughed and told her to leave it thinking how odd my dinner of beets, pizza and cake was.

Dream Snippet

Dreamed one of my front teeth – the incisor – was loose. I tugged on it and it came out but did not hurt (something I thought difficult turns out not to be). Blood (life, passion, disappointments) gushed from the wound and I held a napkin to my mouth. I told a man that I had lost my tooth. I looked in the mirror and the gap was barely noticeable. I wondered why I lost it.

Music Message

When I woke this morning a song was going through my head –  Natural by Imagine Dragons. I just heard, “Yeah you’re a natural….” It was hard to get out of my head this morning. I was singing it as I made breakfast. lol

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Ghost

Another theme/message I’ve been getting lately is: ghost.

Yesterday I woke with a song from the movie Ghost – Unchained Melody – on my mind. I didn’t really think much of it at the time. I think it triggered something on a subconscious level, though.

Dream: Ghost Kiss

The dream began inside a very large school (life lessons) that reminded me of high school but it was not likely any high school I have been to in life. It was very high tech with neon lights and streamers, flashing signs, and areas with high counters that would stretch the entire length of the hall. It seemed like a weird mix of movie theater (viewing from a distance/detachment), hotel lobby (seeking to make something known), and laser tag game room (seeking excitement). lol

I was with a group of students. We had just arrived and I had a feeling of being rushed, like I was late. Everyone was milling about and I don’t remember much of what was said now. I had with me a book with many pages. I knew it was my book (knowledge, potential), that I had written it. It was thin with a glossy pages resembling a pamphlet.

We didn’t seem to be going to any classes despite it being a school. Instead we milled about for a while, watching the other students. I remember needing to go and retrieve my bag and walking through various vendor lines looking for it. I was irritated by all the lines to various vendors selling distractions, such as the newest technology or gadgets, to the students. I kept having to wind around the long lines of students who were oblivious to their surroundings. Eventually I inquired about where I could find my bag. A man behind a counter told me he could get it for me, that it had been put with the other bags and tagged with my information. He retrieved it and handed it to me. It looked like a insulated lunch box (preparing for important event, stored energy).

I headed back to my group and commented on the distractions I witnessed. My irritation was high and I had that familiar feeling I get when I have been in a large crowd. I just want to get far away and breathe for a bit.

At one point everyone was asked to locate their partner. I remember that the girls were the boys, pointing out which ones were their partners. I was asked about mine and I said I was still waiting on him. I got out my book and flipped through the pages, showing the other girls what was written on them. I don’t remember seeing words, though, just images in vivid color. Toward the end of the book the images got less and less solid as if the book was not completely finished.

There was a young, light haired man who came around during this time. He seemed interested in me despite my focus on my book and partner.

When I got to the last few pages of the book it morphed into a scene that played out as if a movie. My partner was on a bicycle (seeking balance), one foot on the ground, the other on a pedal as if he had just arrived. I could see his face clearly and focused upon it, trying to get a good look at him. I could see all his features and remember thinking he looked different but I wasn’t sure how.

I remember talking to someone about the images as I watched them. I saw the man get off his bicycle and rush over to me. We embraced and kissed passionately. The images were not solid; I could see right through them. I played the scene over and over, focusing on the embrace and kiss. When we kissed our faces melted together so that I could not make out his face from my own. This part specifically seemed to play on repeat.

The man I was talking to seemed to want me to turn my focus to him but I was immersed in the pages of my book. The ghostly images were still playing as I woke.

The song The Spectre was going through my mind as I awoke. All at once I remembered the ghost reference from the night before.

Considerations

The sense from the dream as I awoke is that I am being “haunted” by a ghost of what was and what could be. My focus on the could’ve been’s and maybe’s is keeping me from seeing the other opportunities available to me right now.

I am feeling very similar to how I’ve felt in the past which is likely part of my healing. It’s another lesson in letting go. Another lesson in acceptance. There is a sense of nothingness ahead, of having no particular path and no interest in finding my path. I feel somewhat lost and purposeless. There is boredom and apathy. There is sadness and despair. There are considerations resurfacing such as – my death would be good for those around me because it would keep them from being further hurt by me. And – I am tired of this life experience and want to go Home. There is avoidance of doing what needs to be done because of how difficult it will be. At the same time there is a raging fire pushing me to act in ways that would escalate the pain and hurt, me being the primary perpetrator.

No one likes to be the bad guy.

I see the road ahead of me and it is the same as always. I don’t see any intersections or options to shift paths, at least not any paved ones. The road feels endless and bleak, kind of like traveling a long, straight highway through endless desert and rock that go on forever. No mountains. No river valleys. No spectacular views. No wildlife. No people of interest. No cities or towns to stop and rest at. Nothing.

And I feel so old now. My youth wasted on fear.

 

Cougar

More strange dreams and visions last night.

Vision – Cougar

I had a very close-up encounter with a mountain lion/cougar. I was face-to-face with it. There was no message with it, no sense of fear or awe, just the encounter. I did not see it’s entire body, just it’s face. When I came out of my reverie my thought was that it was beautiful.

This is the second cougar encounter I’ve had. The first was a dream not long ago where I saw a cougar in my grandmother’s garden. I was not afraid of it then, either.

I am reminded of a real life encounter I had with cougar. It was years ago when I lived in Montana. There was this particular route my ex-husband and I use to hike, and sometimes cross country ski, in the mountains. At the time he was hunting elk during bow season. I always went with him even though I didn’t hunt. I enjoyed hiking the beautiful terrain and took every opportunity I could to get close to a herd of elk.

Early on in the hike my ex told me, “Don’t move.” He said it in such a way that I froze on the spot. He then pointed to the ridge. I looked up and saw a mountain lion staring back at us. She was the same color as the grass, so well camouflaged that I would never have seen her had he not pointed her out. I don’t remember being afraid, but excited. She was really close, even closer through the scope of the rifle. Eventually she left and we went on our way. My ex reassured me telling me they don’t usually attack full grown humans. Still, I was looking behind me for a while after that. lol

I looked up the symbolism of the cougar. This is what I discovered:

Your coming into your power
Take charge, step-up and show your strength
Set clear intention to navigate your path
Lead by example
Do not force others to follow
Key words: courage, opportunity, assertiveness, action

All of the above reflect what I have been feeling/intuiting lately. I have been feeling especially ferocious, like the Lion in me is ready to tear up whatever stands in my way. For example, yesterday we took our kids to a local hamburger place, Hat Creek. While sitting at one of the long, picnic style booths, a woman stood behind my husband waiting for him to move. She was waiting maybe 1 minute and said something in a quiet voice to him. The room was very noisy so he didn’t hear her until maybe the third time she spoke. He moved, smiling, but as she passed him by she rolled her eyes at him. He didn’t see it but I saw it. OMG I was ready to attack that woman! LOL Instead I said as loud as I could, “Someone’s got an attitude problem.” She didn’t hear. It was too loud in there.

It took me a good 10 minutes to calm down. I kept watching the woman and her family and all these judgement were surfacing. I just let them pass and reminded myself to choose love instead. Despite this I ended up being critical of humanity itself as I watched the parents (75% of which were overweight or obese) feed their children fatty, greasy foods. I fantasized about passing out the nutrition information of the food there to everyone, asking if they knew what they were eating and how it was affecting their health/body. I wondered how long it would take for someone to take offense or for the owners to escort me out. I looked down at my salad and then at my own kids who were rejecting their burgers, proud that I had at least taught my own children a bit about healthy choices.

So, yeah, feeling a bit fierce these days. 🙂 Even now, in recalling the whole situation, I want to go on and on about how screwed up Americans are, how self-indulgent, unhealthy, materialistic, etc, etc. You get the idea.

Similarly, I sense in myself an unwillingness to put up with shit in my life, specifically within my home. But there is also a patience that goes along with it that is keeping me from going overboard. I am grateful for that part because I tend to jump the gun when I get like this. I make quick decisions without first considering how those decisions might affect others. So, at least I am getting the part of the message that says, “Don’t force others to follow.”

Note: Just considered the slang meaning of “cougar” – a woman who seeks sex with significantly younger men. Gotta laugh about this. 

home_rxrefill

Dream – Doctor Visit

I had what seemed like a dream that lasted all night. In it I was first a doctor and then a patient. As the doctor (my ability to heal or help) I was a part of a team that was in the process of expanding. New doctors were coming on board. I observed the group get larger and was upset by the tendency of the other doctors to compete with one another. One of the first things these new doctors were told was, “We are all equals here. There is no need to try and outdo one another.” Yet they seemed not to get the message. I remember telling my coworker, “See? They are doing it (competing).”

As the patient I walked into a large clinic setting and met with a male doctor who seemed quite young. I believe I was pregnant (new potential) but can’t be certain. My initial exam revealed I had a very high heart rate – 371. When I first saw the number I didn’t think anything of it but then realized it was high. I asked, “Isn’t that kind of high?” He nodded and told me to wait while he consulted with someone.

When he left I decided to take a nap there on the table, knowing it would get my heart rate down. In my memory I see the numbers go down- 340, 200, 170 – and I kept telling myself, “You just need to relax. Relax.” This is lkely a real message from myself to myself.

Eventually I got up because I was feeling really drowsy and knew I needed to wake up. I went to a bathroom and took out my retainers (holding back) which I had been wearing the whole time. I noticed one of my top, middle teeth (concerned about losing control) was crooked. I pressed on it and shifted back into place really easily. Concerned, I put my retainer (seeking to hold back something) back in.

Then I heard a commotion from the other room. A door opened and two large dogs (protection, friendship, fidelity) were let in, one black and the other blonde. They were rowdy but friendly. One of the doctors shut the door without realizing I was inside with the dogs. I walked past the dogs and knocked on the door saying, “Hey, I’m in here.” They opened it.

Then the scene shifted and I was in a car (life path) heading toward a very special, invitation only gathering. When I arrived there was this sense that this was a very exclusive group of people who were involve in the occult. When I got inside the room was very dark but grande, resembling a castle. I was questioned several times about whether I belonged there. I told them I did. I was challenged to prove myself and shown two swords (strength, ambition, decisiveness, willpower), one on either side of the room. The swords were kept inside box-shaped cases attached to the platform on which I was standing. I saw them rise up out of their cases as if waiting to be wielded (ready to take back my power).

A man questioned my being there, saying I did not belong. A woman appeared out of thin air, as if a ghost or apparition. I only remember seeing her face hovering between the two sword cases. She had blonde hair (maybe another version of myself) and was very attractive. She told the others that I did belong and that she would not have it any other way. She challenged them to challenge her. No one did.

Music Message

When I woke a song was going through my mind, one I have not heard in ages. With it I thought, “Ghost.” I recognized the song went with the movie Ghost but in recalling my dream and the ghostly woman toward the end, I wonder what the purpose of this song really is.

Something about the song and dream made me feel hopeless. I know it is the waiting, the passage of so much time, that is the hardest. It makes me want to give up. Most of the time I am not even sure what I am waiting for. Is it to go Home? Is it purely a spiritual homesickness? Or is it something I am waiting for here on Earth, a physical experience, I am waiting for?

Regardless, I am reminded of the feeling I seem to have always had in this lifetime. The feeling is that I do not belong and my real family is out there and I want/need to be with them. Yet I feel tethered to this illusion and unable – not allowed – to go to my real family. Ultimately it feels like I have been cursed.

More Spiders

As if to remind me again that I need to be patient and only act at the right time, I found another spider in my house. This time he was very tiny and trying to hide in plain sight. I took him outside and even when free he immediately hid from me.

Image may contain: plant, outdoor and nature

Common House spider, October 14th.

I believe this is a Common House Spider, but am not completely certain. He did not have a web. He was about the size of the tip of my finger.

As with the other spiders I have made contact with, I was fascinated by him. I got as close as I could, even shined a flashlight on him.

This spider visit came after a tiny jumping spider I found in my kitchen on October 8th. Here is a picture of him:

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Jumping spider, October 8th.

When I attempted to let him go he jumped back onto me without my knowing and then tried to run under the kitchen cabinets. I had to catch him again and put him outside. lol

TITAN

Yesterday was just as intense as Friday. I realized upon waking that this time of year – around mid-October – has been an intense, life-changing time for me, at least in regards to relationships. Two specific times came to mind:

October, 2001 – I woke one morning to a deep, masculine voice saying, “GET OUT NOW”. I took it as meaning I needed to leave my husband. Within a week I was on a flight home, arriving on October 15th, my Mom’s birthday.

October, 2016 – Posted on FB on Oct 7, 2016:  Going through a tough transition here at home. Please send prayers and healing if you have the time. Lots of change on the way. It was a very turbulent time in my life. The whole end of 2016 was an emotional and mental torture (not kidding).

This year October is following the same pattern. IDK if it is astrological, if these specific time periods are repeats of certain planetary positions, but it sure is odd how, when it comes to relationships, this specific month seems to have it in for me.

Regardless, things are changing in my life and it is because I of this PUSH I am feeling and the resulting action I knew I needed to take. Still, though, time will tell how it all plays out.

TITAN

I’ve been having an interesting message come through. I’ll start at the beginning….

October 10th – I had a dream where I was on a very large ship (exploring aspects of emotion/subconscious). Me and a man were standing looking over the edge at the ocean. The man was familiar to me and I recall staring at his face and taking in all the details trying to determine if he was who I thought he was.

It was a beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky and the ocean was calm. There was a discussion between myself and a woman. This woman seemed an adviser but I’m not sure if she was mine or his, maybe his. We were discussing the man, specifically his current emotional state. I remember knowing he had lost someone, someone very dear to him, that he loved with all of himself. I wanted to be with him and was hoping he would want to be with me. I was being advised to be careful and not push him because he still grieved. Not only did he love this woman but he had been hurt by her to the point that it had left him wounded. I remember noticing the way he looked at me. He seemed interested but distant, like he could see me but he didn’t want to. Toward the end of the dream I was talking to the man, telling him how I knew he had lost someone close and how I hoped he could move on with me. He looked at me and I began to feel a rush of energy. Overcome by it, I woke up. As I woke I thought the ship was very similar to the Titanic and the movie came to mind.

In my private dream journal I wrote: “The word [Titanic] may be significant, meaning something BIG, powerful and/or explosive being explored.”

Since that dream I have been seeing the word Titan every day with incidences increasing as time goes by. The first time I saw the word was on a Nissan pick-up on my nightly walk with Monty. I did not know until then that they even made the Titan truck!

Then I was purchasing my Mom tickets to the Austin Symphony for her birthday. I did not notice the name of the performance until after I received the confirmation email:

“Tale of Two Titans”
Fri 11/30/2018 8:00 PM
Long Center

Yesterday I was shopping with my husband and happened to look up and see a huge sign:

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By this time I finally recognized the message being delivered and laughed out loud, explaining to my husband why. He told me that he thought it interesting because a day or so before he returned home he had been watching the movie Titanic in his hotel room. Yeah, too crazy to not be in awe of how the Universe gets these messages to us!

Dream: Wrecked Pick-up

Now that the a/c is fixed I was able to sleep without interruption.

In this dream I was traveling in a car with a man. He was familiar to me. I recognized him as someone both my husband and I know. Looking around me I knew the road we were traveling. It was the one just outside the home where I grew up. I use to drive it every day to school. The hills were much larger than reality, though, to the point that they resembled mountains. I knew our destination was my home.

The man and I talked about music as we drove. He mentioned music theory specifically and it caught my attention. He used a word that only someone who studied music would use but I don’t know the word now. I only remember it had to do with chord progression (harmony/disharmony in my life).

We continued over the hill. As we began to descend I realized just how high up we were. The entire valley resembled the Rocky Mountains in magnitude. It was beautiful. I leaned my head on the man’s shoulder. I thought to myself, “I love him.” Then I realized he may not want me to lean on him and I backed off. His demeanor was serious and focused on driving.

In the distance I saw a large, black (unknown or subconscious) pick-up (work) with over-sized tires falling down the hill. It was not rolling but very obviously falling. We parked our small car and he got out to help. I pulled a blanket (protection) up out from under the seats and pulled it over me as I watched. Where there had been no people there was suddenly onlookers everywhere to the point that I could not see the truck. Curious, I got out of the car, laid the blanket(protection) over my purse (self-identity), and went to investigate.

I could not see the car or the man I had been with. I inquired about the drivers and was told another car had collided with the truck and the people were fine. The passengers in the truck “did not make it”. I walked along the road and noticed cars pulling up to the scene. There was a large river (emotion) below and cars (paths) were parked on islands (ease, relaxation) in the river. I wondered how they got there. I got out my phone to take a picture and noticed everyone else was doing the same. I still couldn’t see the truck.

Then I saw paramedics working on two bodies (death or the unexpected) and the dream ended.

When I woke up the song, Sweet Home Alabama was going through my head. It made no sense considering the man from the dream is originally from Louisiana. The specific part was, “Sweet home Alabama where the skies are so blue. Sweet home Alabama Lord I’m comin’ home to you.”

 

Huge Push and 2 OBEs

I’ve had a rough few days since my last post. Yesterday was the worse. I was grieving all day. Grieving for a loss before it has happened. Little things were causing upset. I was crying over stupid stuff and those little things were triggers for something bigger.

I am being pushed right now. It comes from deep within and has been intensifying with each day. I’ve been pushed before. My tendency is to wait it out and up until now that has worked. I think, “If I wait long enough it will go away”. This time feels different, though. I don’t think waiting it out will work.

Last night I kept waking up. Our a/c is cutting off periodically and my husband did not go into the attic to investigate and clear the overflow pan. The a/c wasn’t turning back on. Each time I woke up I had sweat on my brow. Too hot to get good sleep. I would go reset the a/c, it would turn on and then go off again without cooling the house.

At 3:30am I woke and the a/c NEST thermostat had no power. I had to flip the breaker. It was nearly 80 degrees in the house! I opened the window and tried to sleep. Then I felt the air turn on and it got cool enough for me to sleep.

time

Lucid to OBE: Time Flies

I returned to sleep and set the intention to project.

I was aware of being in my bed, eyes still heavy with sleep, attempting to determine whether I was really awake or dreaming. Quite a bit of this part of the experience is lost to me now but I recall attempting to separate from my body. I did not realize yet that I was dreaming and so separation was unnecessary.

All at once the scene shifted and I was inside a house with people I was visiting. They all seemed to know me and me them but I have no idea who they were, only that they were dark haired and related but not by blood. One woman came up to me and I recognized her. I hugged her while saying, “Meredith!!” She hugged me back and turned toward the bedroom behind her. A young woman who looked just like her was lying in the bed very pregnant. I was confused. Were they both Meredith? Or was it mother and daughter?

I headed to the opposite side of the house (a mobile home) and into a familiar bedroom. I got into the bed and once again felt the heaviness of sleep take over. My eyes heavy, I struggled to stay awake. A young, dark haired man came in and began talking to me. I was in his room. We seemed to know each other. I had memories of him being much younger, like 10 years old, yet he was obviously much older – a man. He sat down on the bed next to me. I told myself to wake up as I attempted to put on clothing. I was in this man’s bed wearing only my underwear! But he seemed not to mind or care. We were family after all.

I managed to pick up my shorts but could not get my legs into the right holes (lol). I was  completely unable to keep my eyes open long enough to focus. The young man was to my left sitting very close talking cheerfully about the family and things that had happened over the years. I sat staring off into space. I saw a military ID tag with numbers on it. It floated mid-air in my vision and woke me up a bit. I turned to him and asked him about it. He motioned to a bag and I said it was not what I saw, that it was military in origin. I don’t remember the number now, just that it was 4 digits, maybe 1406.

This is when I began to wake up. I turned and looked at the man and saw how young he was (early 20s probably). He was smiling and I recognized him, though from where, I am unsure. He had dark hair, twinkling brown eyes and medium skin tone. He kept talking and I listened. He was asking me to stay for a while, inviting me to join him and the family in the living room. As I focused on him I felt a strong pull from my heart area. It felt like my heart expanded toward him and a rush of Divine connection began to fill me up. I stopped it, though, panicking and saying to myself, “No!!” The connection immediately severed. My reasons for severing the connection was his age – he was too young. The man seemed not to notice.

He got up to use the restroom and I again noticed him. He was wearing boxers and t-shirt. I realized he was very comfortable and at ease around me. I saw a box on the dresser and inspected it. It was full of marijuana. I mentioned it, saying I had not smoked in years. He replied, “Stay a while and we can smoke some together.” Then he left me in the room alone and I continued to try and get dressed.

I sat on the bed for a bit feeling drowsy. A man came in and sat next to me on the bed where the young man had sat. He was much older, maybe in his 50s. He had salt and pepper stubble on his face, kind brown eyes and salt and pepper hair. He smiled at me as he sat there and I knew he was the young man all grown up. Again he was very familiar and felt like family to me. I turned and looked at the clock and saw it was past 5pm. It felt like I had been there all day! There was a sense here that the clock represented the passage of time, only rather than hours and minutes it was years.

Then a family was standing in the room with me – a mom, dad and three children. I remember being told by someone (a voice) that they had come seeking my counsel. The mother looked at the father and said something firmly with a very serious tone. Her words are lost to me now but I believe she was saying her mind was made up and she was leaving him. He responded with, “But what about the kids? They need you.” He pointed to the youngest, a little blonde boy no older than 4. The father was against her leaving. I shifted perspective to the woman and looked specifically at the littlest. She/I said, “He will be okay as long as you and I are both in his life.” I remember complimenting them on their family as they left but feeling a sadness wash over me that did not make sense.

I finally went into the living room and there were some others milling about, all young (20’s). For some reason I came into full awareness. I saw the front door and went outside. There was a porch with wood railings the length of the house. I jumped up on the railing. The young dark haired man followed me. I turned, feeling adventurous all of a sudden, and said, “Watch this.” I jumped on top of the railing and grabbed onto the roof overhand. I swung a while and then let go, knowing I could fly. I floated there and lost vision.

OBE : Set an Intention

I sensed my body only briefly before I exited back into the scene. I was in the air near the house floating over the treetops. In front of me was a beautiful city, rooftops in all directions scattered across hilltops covered in trees whose leaves were already changing color for Fall. The sky was crimson with streaks of orange dotted with puffy, white clouds on a background of deep blue. It was breathtaking!

I felt myself being pulled up and I surrendered to the sensation while expressing that I did not want to go up. I remember thinking, “I need to set an intention.” I don’t remember saying anything, though. Instead I thought of something that made my heart instantly ache with a yearning I cannot describe. I became overwhelmed with emotion and began to cry. I stopped mid-air, overcome with a grief that seemed to have no origin. Realizing that I could not stay in such a state, I shifted out of the emotion immediately, as if it were just a passing moment and nothing of concern.

I flew a while and spotted a group of women in an open area. I hovered over them and listened in on their conversations. They saw me but did not care that I was floating. Somehow I knew the women. Everything they said to me I wrote down very carefully on a paper in my mind. None of it I recall now, of course! One woman’s name was Marcia, though, and I recall telling the women matter-of-factly that they had each purposely came here with few social/family connections. Marcia, however, would become one who had a great many. In my mind I saw their positions as if part of a web. Each of them were at the ends of the web but Marcia was closer the center. I knew the women had purposefully chosen their positions for the experience. I knew I was like them.

I flew on past them after telling them my observations. I came to a door. A nun was inside. I could just barely see her through the tiny window. She asked me for help saying they would not let her out and she needed a code. I went to the right of the door and saw a man in uniform standing behind a desk. I asked him to open the door and let her out. He would not.

The experience starts to break up here. I recall feeling emotional again and shutting it down quickly.

Messages

I returned to my body but lingered in the in-between for a while. There was a discussion with a male guide that was quite long, but I can’t remember much of it now except that I was drinking a very large glass of something that was to help me heal. I also remember seeing my mid-section ripped open but it was energetic, not physical. I remember discussing what I knew needed to be done. The male guide told me, “Don’t worry, I have a few tricks up my sleeve.”

Several songs were on my mind as I woke. One was a Christmas song but I don’t remember which one. The other two came one after the other:

Dido White Flag – I will go down with this ship. I won’t put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I’m in love, and always will be.

Rachel Platten Fight Song– Like a small boat on the ocean sending big waves into motion. Like how a single word can make a heart open. I might only have one match but I can make an explosion. This is my fight song. Take back my life song.

 

 

 

 

Erased

Sleep was delayed last night and I didn’t care. For some reason my mind was highly active but my thoughts were scattered. The main thing I remember is thinking I was not happy but not knowing why and imagining myself opening up to someone, pouring my heart out and crying. Yet in reality no tears could be found even after searching for them. With this came a familiar realization – nothing really matters. This is just a grand play and am I but an actor on this stage called Earth.

Dream: Teacher Program

Sleep was deep when it finally came. I had had a dream where I was sitting in a room with other applicants to a teaching program. We mingled beforehand and a buffet (working through guilt) was set out haphazardly with food set in front of each applicant. I walked up to one man who was a history buff. He had a plate full of strawberries (feminine qualities and sexuality) and small mint (to calm, soothe) candies, an odd combination for sure. I took a handful making sure to limit the strawberries. It appears I am looking to soothe and calm my feminine sexual side in this portion of the dream.

Then I was sitting with the group as someone discussed with us the process and paperwork was passed out. I don’t recall seeing paperwork but knowing there would be assignments and that I had done it all before. There was a flash of a computer screen and a typical reflective question with columns to fill in. It reminded me of the online program I was in to receive my master’s degree. My thoughts here centered on my not wanting or needing to go through the process all over again. I thought about always having to “jump through hoops” and an apathetic feeling about it all. It just didn’t feel worth all the work. This part of the dream seems an overview of the past. Perhaps I am looking at my options?

At some point I was asked to talk about myself and I revealed that I had been on a two year break to stay home with my son. I remember repeating the part about my son as if I were uncertain and trying to remind myself of it. The woman was looking through my file and said, “I see you use to work at _______. That’s a rough school.” She seemed impressed. I confirmed that I had worked there but that I did not find it rough at all. The other students were listening in and it felt as if they were envious of my prior experience and curious to see if I would get a job on the spot. Possibilities are being discussed. New opportunities may be on the horizon.

More Astrology

This morning I woke early without the drowsy, heavy feeling I’ve become use to over the last week. It is clear that I am in an adjustment period, integrating the energies from the last few weeks. My guidance is very quiet and distant. The Kundalini is quiet.

This morning another astrology post was in my WP reader feed with more about Libra retrograde and the new moon. The following excerpt seemed applicable:

The Sun, Moon and Ceres oppose asteroid Amor (16 Aries) and trine Okyrhoe (16 Aquarius)

Amor reminds us to weigh the needs of justice and relationship in equal proportion to the self. Very often, we are guilt tripped into erasing ourselves from the equation, as we are told to give it all up for others. Whilst this behavior can be altuistic – it becomes damaging to the self when taken too far. If a relationship requires you to erase yourself (which is very different from ego-dissolution), you really have to ask yourself if this is what allows you to express your innermost Essence? If that question scares you, ask yourself why.

Okyrhoe´s role in this story is to remind us that we can, once again, open the doors to gifts long-denied, by acknowledging patterns in our upbringing that we tend to repeat in relationship dynamics. However, remember to allow others to draw their own conclusions, without foisting your view of reality upon them. But remember that you have the same privilege. Whilst the idea is to build bridges towards a shared understanding, it does not mean tossing one´s own view of things away in favour of someone else´s agenda. Source

The first paragraph is me in a nutshell. In my most recent forecasts, two different astrologers pointed out that my chart indicates such a conflict (lesson) in my life. I can’t recall the specifics but I think the positions of the planets Jupiter and/or Saturn is to blame here. This conflict is very real to me right now and has been for several years.

When I read this post this morning my feeling about it was neutral. My tendency, time and time again (pattern thus far) is to choose others over myself. This is not only because of the overwhelming guilt I feel for being “selfish” but also because I often do not know what I want for myself. I have become so use to adopting the wants/needs/desires of those I love that I have forgotten myself and my own wants/needs/desires in the process.

Thus far I have felt stuck to my current position in life. It feels like I have a bungee cord attached to me and when I wander too far away I am pulled straight back to it. My conclusion has been that I am bound to my current situation because of soul contracts and only when they are complete will that cord be cut, and only if I so desire it. But if I consider the above mentioned then it makes me wonder about my previous conclusions. Perhaps I am just too afraid to reach for what I want for fear of letting down those I love?

If I look back on my life I have been doing this for as long as I can remember. As a child and teenager I chose to do what I felt would best benefit my family, or make them happy, not me. I convinced myself that my choices were my own, but in reality I had no idea what I wanted so I did what my mom/family suggested I do. When I got married to my ex I did the same. His wants/needs/desires came over my own.

When single and on my own for a very short 4 years, I struggled. Without another as my anchor I felt adrift, floating from here to there looking for myself. I can’t say I made much progress. 😦

In my current relationship I continue to do the same. The pattern continues.

Honestly, I must say that without a partner or a close family member who I feel a similar connection to, I do not know what to do with myself. I feel without purpose and lost. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it just is what it is. The challenge would be to purposefully go it alone. This would force me to do things for me, right?

But my past experience of doing this was struggle. I left my ex-husband because I had lost (erased) myself in favor of building him up. At the time it felt like my ex was the cause of my misery, keeping me from what I wanted. I did survive my time alone. I did do those things I felt he was keeping me from, but it was short-lived. I had my spiritual awakening six months after leaving him and suddenly all those things I wanted were no longer an interest to me. It was like I was re-set.

So what do I do about this pattern? I have no idea. Maybe I will go to my grave with this unresolved. I feel unable to move beyond it. The pattern thus far shows that I reach a point where I feel suppressed by the person(s)/situations that I sacrifice myself to/for. The feeling often leads to resentment and a breaking point is reached. Perhaps the solution is to find balance somehow before a breaking point becomes the only option? Or maybe I have already let it go too far….

The Burden is Real

If I had to describe the last couple of days I would describe them as weird. Different. I don’t know if that even suffices but it will have to do.

I am still struggling to fall asleep. Then, when I do sleep, I sleep really deep and wake up feeling like I have been drugged. I linger in bed sometimes for an hour going in and out of the in-between. My body feels like it needs months of sleep right now to catch up but I have done plenty of catching up already. Even now, three hours after waking, my eyes are heavy and all I want to do is curl up in bed.

My dreams are barely memorable. I have been doing some traveling that is for sure. Two nights ago I was with a FB friend traveling through the UK (renewal) searching for her male friend. Last night I was traveling to Mexico (preservation of tradition, family, faith and culture) but forgot my bag so we had to turn back early on, delaying us by 10 hours.

Yesterday, prior to bed and upon waking there was a male presence attending to me. The feeling from him was that he wanted my attention, that he wanted me to look at something I did not want to look at. Memories came to me as I tried to ignore him, memories that incited deep emotion and regret. When I woke I had some intense realizations that I couldn’t shake.

When I got on FB to check if there was anything interesting going on I saw my own post two years ago. I posted a request for prayers because my husband and I were having marriage issues. It got over 20 comments of support.

The post hit me hard and echoed the “wake up call” I had just received. Not only that, but in attempt to avoid the FB memory I wandered into WordPress to read recent posts and saw something that further supported the feeling/Knowing I woke with.

Without going into too much detail, I will say this: my realization centers around taking responsibility and acknowledging the truth about something I am “guilty” of doing, something I have done previously and something I will likely continue to do if I pretend it is not there. Not only is this something not in line with my Truth but I have justified it to the point that I believe it not to be wrong, that I believe myself not guilty of trespassing upon myself. Ha! That is the perfect word – trespass. And in trespassing upon myself, I trespass upon those I love.

And all of it the result of fear, making decisions from a place of fear. It takes a lot of courage to just admit that, but the real courage is making decisions and acting up them from a place of love. That is the hard part because when fear has been the motivator all along, acting from a place of love can seem downright idiotic and scary. Like, “What the hell are you thinking?” scary.

Love here is more than just love of Self. It is love for others as well. And it is standing for what is right and ethical even if it means unwanted or uncomfortable change.

To make a long story short, I am saying to myself, “Shame on you!”

I am still not 100% clear about what all this means but I do know that I am ready to take responsibility for my actions and live my Truth rather than perpetuate a lie for the sake of preserving an echo of what was. It is hard to know, really, what that Truth is after so many years of pretense. What is true to me and what isn’t? I am not sure anymore. All I know is what I feel and I guess that has to be good enough. At least I am feeling something. For so many years I was just numb.

Libra Retrograde

I wrote the above portion of this post yesterday and then abandoned it. I was really feel weird….off…..out of it and needed to get myself straight before finishing it. I decided to go shopping alone to try and shake off the feeling. Sadly, it only got worse. I ended up walking down the isles of a clothing store pointlessly. I bought my daughter a sweater and headed toward the car. As I stepped out the door I was hit with a really strong inner “push” and knew what I needed to do. In that moment I felt a bit lost, like a child who just realized they have been separated from their mother. It sucked.

When I got in the car I wanted to cry but couldn’t. Internally I felt hollow, like someone had come in and scooped out everything and I was just waiting to be filled up again.

After grocery shopping, and very slowly I at that, I came home and the feeling persisted. I stumbled across another astrology blog post and more clarity was provided. The warnings I have been receiving about the end of this year were spelled out in the stars.

The first thing I noticed was Libra retrograde, which just happened a few days ago. In fact, the weirdness I have been feeling matched up almost perfectly. I’m thinking now, “Come on Universe, wtf gives? What is with all these damn retrograding planets!!??” But then I know this has been going on all my life so it is not just a planet doing all this. There is something much bigger at work and it just so happens the planets reflect all that.

So it looks like right now’s the time to look within and really be honest with myself (sigh). That is exactly what I woke up knowing yesterday and the entire day seemed to pummel me with “reality”. It is suggested in the post linked above that I do some writing about the people in my life and how I am helping/hindering them and vice versa. I need to really look at what is there without pretending it is something else.

The rest of this year is gonna be a challenge, too. 😦

Signs and Dreams 

When I got home from grocery shopping, my kids helped me unload the car and my daughter nearly stepped on this:

wolf spider

When I saw this spider I was immediately fascinated by it. It was so big! When I got closer to take a pic I realized her abdomen was covered in tiny babies! Amazing!

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Fascinated, I watched her it for a while. It is a female Wolf spider. They are common around here. They are venomous and known to bite, so I just observed her for a while and left her alone.

I knew this spider was a message. Turns out Wolf spiders do not spin webs. They stalk their prey like tarantulas. So no surprise that their primary gift and message is timing. Their message is to wait for the perfect time before taking action. They remind us that all we desire in life is coming to fruition but we must step back and allow it to take hold in a solid foundation.

Moving too soon will undermine all my hard work. I have to wait and will Know when the time is right to take action. OMG I am so tired of getting this message!! But I really, really love this spider. Isn’t she beautiful? And how she tends to her young, keeping them on her back until they are strong enough to survive on their own….that is a message in and of itself.

Last night at bedtime my heart was sore and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I know there are contracts that need to be concluded but I am not the only one involved and though I feel ready to act I cannot until there is agreement/readiness from all. There is this stuckedness that I feel that bothers me. I try to accept it and surrender but the impatience surfaces time and time again. I can see the possibility in front of me but I cannot get to it yet. It tends to make me apathetic. I can see the finish line but am walking in place, as if on a treadmill, no closer to the end than I was ten years ago.

I was asked if I wanted to continue my healing work and I agreed. I also reaffirmed past intentions, intentions I have had for a very long time now.

Dream: Mansion

My dreams were strange. In one I was in a mansion (current relationship is in a rut), one I have visited before in my dreams – dark wood paneling and grand furnishings. My husband’s aunt, who lives in Georgia, had invited us to her home (which is like a mansion, they are millionaires). She bought up all his paintings (intuition, need for self-expression) and then auctioned one of them off for $35,000! We were asked to move there and I told her that the house was too big, that it didn’t make sense to me to be so separated from my children.

Then I walked up to a lever that was used to lock (ability to get what I want) and unlock the front door. I wound it and then clicked it in place. The door unlocked and I felt very satisfied, almost giddy.

Then I was at a party and there were people (need to enjoy myself) everywhere drinking and mingling. I remember trying to find my husband and being told where he went. I walked outside to get him and to my right was a group of children playing miniature golf (indulgences). A woman had come with me and asked if I wanted to play. I said no when I saw the golf clubs had basketballs (teamwork is needed) on the ends that rolled and made it very hard to direct the golf ball.

I located my husband passed out in a booth with several other grown men (loss of awareness). He had gotten really drunk (seeking escape from some situation). Two women were playing a card game (ability to strategize) at the table. I was invited to play and watched very carefully to see what the game was. I did not recognize it. I could see the card’s numbers and suites but they were not normal playing cards. The woman asked if I knew how to play and I told her I did not. She laughed and said it was easy to learn. The last thing I recall is seeing the deck of cards with their numbers added up – 9 + 3 = 12.

Dream: Old Rugged Cross

Then the dream shifted and I was inside a room with my husband’s aunt and a group of others. It felt like we were in a chapel (things I hold sacred) with the same dark wood paneling as the mansion. There was a little girl with us, she looked like I did as a child (my inner child). The discussion was about a pair of flip flops with My Little Pony on them. It shifted into talking about the toy ponies. I remembered my childhood and how much I loved My Little Pony and told my aunt that I had a pair of flip flops (ability to relax, unable to make a decision) that had the ponies (unexplored, undisciplined aspect of self) on them that I use to look at in school and daydream (excessively worried about a situation) about. I explained that I would finish my assignments before everyone else and often got bored so daydreaming (seeking escape) was my way of passing time. The memories made me happy.

Then someone began to sing a familiar hymn. When I recognized it, I sang along. My heart lifted as I sang and I could hear my voice within the dream. I knew the lyrics by memory and the part, “I will cling to the old rugged cross, and exchange it some day for a crown….” woke me up.

Music Messages

When I woke I was feeling down and hopeless. I wondered, “Why do I keep hearing this song in my dreams!?” Then I realized it was because it feels as if I am carrying a cross on my back, a burden that is mine alone to bear. It felt so unfair yet at the same time it seemed like my duty. I know that anyone who knows me would not believe I was carrying a burden. But I am. Every day, all day. Some days I don’t know how I manage, but somehow I do. The song promises that one day I will be rewarded but the wait and the burden seems unbearable at times.

The messages from the previous day indicated that I needed to wait as well. Despite knowing what needs to be done I also know it may be a while before I will be able to act. I see what I want but have a rope tied around my waist and am being pulled back.

Another song came to mind as I lingered in the in-between going over my dreams, their messages and my Knowing. The specific part that I heard was, “I can’t take this place. I just wanna go where I can get some space….”