This week has been busy. I started working full-time as a payroll “assistant” at my husband’s place of employment on Monday. To go from two years as a stay-at-home-mom where my schedule was whatever I made it to waking early, working 8 hours, and returning home to mommy duties has been an adjustment. It wasn’t until Thursday that I started feeling somewhat “normal” in terms of mental clarity, alertness, focus, etc.
As I suspected, my job duties are very easy and mostly “mindless” in that I don’t have to think much to complete them. Lots of data entry of invoices, receipts and basic bookkeeping in Quickbooks. I catch on fast at any job and have already learned the basics to the point of needing little to no help when I encounter the varying hiccups that are an anticipated part of the job. In all my work experience one of the issues that plagues me is that I am very efficient to the point that I complete my work way ahead of schedule and end up with nothing to do. Therefore, I end up doing other people’s jobs to stay productive. Already I have done HR paperwork for a new hire because of this. lol
My husband is technically my boss (yeah) so he is enjoying having me as his trainee, making sure to teach me as much as he can about every aspect of the business above and beyond simple bookkeeping/payroll. We commute to and from work together and take lunch together. This is good in that I don’t have to drive and deal with Austin rush-hour traffic but not so good because my husband talks the entire commute (maybe 8 minutes total sometimes more). Already I have had to tell him that I might need to drive separate from him because I prefer listening to music to talking/chit-chat. I swear his continuous conversation was painful on Wednesday. Actually, all communication was painful Wed/Thurs. Perhaps an astrological event or something? Who knows.
The work environment is super laid back – I love it! I can wear shorts and t-shirts (which I do) and the pace is perfect – not to fast or slow. The women I work with are older (Boomers) and so very easy to get along with. So far no gossip or passive-aggressiveness from either of them. The receptionist is younger but I rarely interact with her. In fact, I rarely interact with anyone which is so awesome! I can’t even begin to tell you how wonderfully freeing it is to not have that kind of burden on my shoulders. No parents bitching or kids whining or administrators watching me all the time – just me and the “ladies” doing our jobs as “equals”.
There are no restrictions on overtime either nor is anyone going to question me if I don’t work a full eight hours as long as I get my work done. The lady training me said I can absolutely work from home once I am trained and feel confident about my work. I suspect I will be able to do this once school starts so that I can continue to watch my youngest during his last year at home. Again, another huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
The pay is ridiculously low compared to my potential. I am bringing home less than half of what I would if I were working as a school counselor. Plus, I don’t get the paid time off (no more summer breaks!) yet, though I do get two weeks at Christmas. To give you an idea of the difference, when I worked part-time as a school counselor I was paid more monthly than I will be at this full-time job.
Honestly, though, I would rather work a low-stress, lower paying, mostly mindless job full-time with good people and few public interactions than go back to a full-time, school counseling or teaching job. The stress and burden of responsibility is just not worth it.
I mostly forget my dreams upon waking but there are always exceptions. One night this week I woke up crying from a dream in which I had been encouraging a specific young man to be his best self and he kept purposefully creating roadblocks and being an overall ass. In the end I was so upset by his intention to fail that I began to cry at the loss of his potential. That same night I had also had dreams of my older sister and I think the young man represented her.
Two nights ago I had a very long dream about taking the “TAKS” test (may mean “task”) with my husband. It had been “8 years” since the last test (which I passed). I recall taking the new test and getting to the third and last section of the test which was a map of Europe that had very little detail (still trying to find my path). The instructions were to fill in the Legend with appropriate symbols and their meanings. I was also asked to draw in red the routes between locations. I had trouble reading the map and distinguishing features (confused about what I want). My contacts were not clear (not seeing something) and I asked the proctor about it, telling him I needed to take them out. He gave me a blown up image of the map which didn’t help. I ended up taking out my contacts and setting them on the table. My vision was clearer then but the map still made no sense. The instructions spoke of Germany and France but the map looked like a big blob. I eventually gave up and just turned in the test. I picked up my contacts and put them back in my eyes. I felt exhausted. Then the proctor graded the test. I realized I had not filled in anything, saying, “Oh no! I forgot to write some answers.” He told me he could not give it back so I accepted my fate. At the end of the dream he showed me my results. I had a 100% on the first test. A 70% on the second and a 58% on the last. I remember seeing my last result in red ink and circled. Funny, the average is 76, so I didn’t fail overall yet in the dream I felt I had.
The entire dream my husband was happily walking around, confident that he had passed and finishing well ahead of me.
My first thought upon waking was that I was retaking a test I took 8 years ago – relearning lessons and all that “fun” stuff. Thinking back to 2010 I don’t remember much in the way of life tests. I wasn’t blogging back then so I really have no idea what was going on or how I was managing. Oh well.
When I am busy working a full-time job I don’t have time to think or even focus at all on much except what I have to get done here in this physical reality. I tend to overlook the spiritual, sweep things under the rug and just ignore things I normally wouldn’t (like dreams and syncs). Despite this, syncs and messages are still coming through.
For example, today I was shopping for groceries and a song was playing that I have only ever heard via a particular friend of mine. I added it to my ITunes and so hear it shuffle through randomly when/if I play music in the car. I have not heard it play in ages but when it came over the speakers in the store I stopped in my tracks, recognized it and thought about my friend. I walked to the end of the isle and there, staring me in the face was my friend’s name (er well pseudonym) written on a bottle. I laughed and went on my way but not without first pausing and getting a strange feeling I cannot describe.
I’ve also had moments at work when random words/thoughts pop into my head out of the blue. They are so out of place that I know they are not mine. I believe I am picking up the thoughts of others there or maybe it is Spirit, it is hard to know without tuning in, which I don’t do.
Similarly, I keep feeling like someone is standing at the door watching me and I will turn and see movement but no one is there. It has been so frequent that I am starting to get a tad bit annoyed. lol
Overall, though, I have not had the time or energy to put much attention on the spiritual. I am still doing yoga every day, though not without difficulty because it is so early in the morning (I am NOT a morning person), but I have not been meditating because when I go to bed I drift off to sleep within 5 minutes (unheard of for me).
Mostly I am noticing an inability to manage lengthy conversations without feeling physically uncomfortable and irritable. I literally want to run – RUN – away. At work I feel faint and sick to my stomach sometimes if I stay in a conversation too long. At home I am having to really work hard to avoid snapping and hurting someone’s feelings. This morning my daughter was talking so much I thought I might lose it. She was happy and giddy and obviously saying every single thing that popped into her mind. Her talking was painful to endure.
Lately, I have thoughts like this during conversations: “This is taking way too long. It shouldn’t take this long to share thoughts. I hate this….” LMAO
I mean really, why do we feel we have to use so many words anyway? And why do we talk about pointless things all the time? So.much.noise.
I just want everyone to shut up. Okay? LOL
Ya’ll get it…..anyway……
With some downtime today I have had moments of energy surges down my spine at various time (like in the grocery store). Probably because I have more time/energy to notice it. Ultimately I decided to draw some cards for myself asking my guides, “Show me what I need to know.” I drew one card and then after asked, “Elaborate” and got the rest.
Here they are:
Osho Zen Tarot – The Lovers, The Dream, Playfulness (reversed), Courage
The first card gave me a nice energy rush up the spine as did the rest. I have not really put much into reading them. I think the message pretty obvious. If you know me and my story then so will you. If not, then use your imagination I guess. lol
I did another spread asking my guidance, “Show me what is coming for me”. This is what I got:
Osho Zen Tarot – Diamond Spread. Participation, Turning In, The Miser (reversed), Morality, Exhaustion
This spread doesn’t look too good. Yay….ugh. The center card is the present. It is accurate in that it indicates that I am participating in life, in the “game” here in physicality. Finally (say my guidance). lol The card on the left is what is behind me – a period of contemplation and rest; a reprieve from the hassles of the workaday world and a much needed time to recuperate and contemplate life. The Miser card (reversed) is the future or can also be what is known. This card often relates to money. In reverse it means the opposite of miserly – so spending freely and perhaps too much. Considering recent events and financial decisions I can see spending freely as an outcome. The bottom card is the transition or what leads to the last card. Morality is often a card that comes up when a big decision is being made, a decision that has moral implications attached in some way, shape or form. It can also indicate a choice or path that tests one’s morals. The phrase, “Damn’d if I do, damn’d if I don’t” comes to mind. The final card is the outcome which is Exhaustion. The Exhaustion card means all reserves are used up and there is overwhelm.
So considering I asked “What’s coming for me” and got this, I can say, “OMG just shoot me now”or I can say, “Guess I need to make a different decision when that moral issue arises.” Hoping I can spot it and avoid exhaustion. I do like spending money, though….. 🙂