Dream: Truck Horse Woman

The dream started with me driving a red truck (work) up a road (life path) over a mountain pass (important passage) that resembled the hill near my mom’s house. As I topped the hill another car was on the other side. Since it was a one-lane road I stopped because I couldn’t continue. I got scared when I saw how high up I was. I could see the edge of the cliff and the drop-off below. I freaked out and rather than back down to let the other car pass I abandoned the truck and ran down the road, abandoning my truck.

I sought the help of an old friend. In the dream he was an older man who I felt was wise and knowing. He walked with me as we talked, stopping by his restaurant. The front was all windows and the waitress was closing for the night. We then went to his house adjacent to the restaurant and went inside.

I was worried about my truck and talked to the man about it. In the dream, however, the truck morphed into a white (spirituality, purity) horse. I worried it would be hungry and thirsty and may die.

In the middle of the man’s house the horse appeared laying on it’s side on the floor. It was white and beautiful. It did not look to be in distress, just sleeping (unconscious). I woke it and offered it water in a bowl but it refused it. Then I encouraged it to stand and it did. I knew I needed to take it outside for food and movement so I asked for a bridle (manipulation of situation) and a lead. The man told me one was in the barn so I went to look for it. Outside near the barn I could not find a bridle but I found junk scattered about – boxes and such. In one was a $50 and then on the ground was a wad of money that was petrified it was so solid and hard. It had been cut in half and on top was a $50 bill cut down the middle.

I eventually let my horse out and it roamed about. There was a pond nearby that distracted me because it was so pretty and I wanted to go fishing (exploration of subconscious). So I forgot about finding the bridle and the horse got out of my sight. When we went to find him we ran into two ghostly figures – a man and a woman. There was discussion about the horse and how she had morphed into a ghost woman and was seeking someone to help guide her and show her the lay of the land. The sense was that she – the horse woman – was now free and we could not control her or keep her safe. She could easily be swayed by others. I watched as she met up with the ghostly figure of a man, tall, dark and handsome. To me he felt to be evil but there was no indication that this was true.

Notes and Interpretation

When I was dreaming this dream, I believe when I was talking with the old man, there was memory of a difficult period in my life – around October, 2016 through mid-2017 – that came back full-force. All the emotion of the time returned and I sobbed in the dream, my heart aching resulting in my feeling decimated all over again. When I woke from this dream I was sad but couldn’t contact the emotion. All that remained was a dullness inside, almost like I had administered a numbing agent to keep from feeling the pain.

I sense now that I have buried my pain (agony really) deep down so that it cannot hurt me anymore and that I am being asked to dig it up and heal it. I am not sure how, as I thought (foolishly I guess) that I had healed and resolved it. But perhaps my HS thought it better to bury the pain because had it continued at the rate it was I may not have lasted long in this life (at least that is how it felt). It was odd how I seemed to go to sleep one night feeling decimated and wake the next morning feeling completely renewed, content and optimistic about the future.

The dream itself has interesting symbolism. Trucks are work. This one is red symbolizing a zest for life and desire. I seemed to have abandoned mine, too afraid to continue. Then the truck morphs into a horse which symbolizes freedom and living life with a sense of wild abandoned, taking life by the horns, etc. The horse then morphs into a woman who is a ghost. I suspect this is symbolic of me, a me that I feel I have lost or that is no longer of this world; not solid or real to me anymore. This woman “haunts” me in a sense. She cannot be contained and goes off in search of someone who can show her the way, give her a map or a lay of the land. I believe this symbolizes an inner desire to find guidance and to see the bigger picture so that I can understand my path.


Literal Head-On Collision

Yesterday was a crazy day.

My daughter and I were out back-to-school shopping most of the afternoon. My husband had taken our two youngest and two other children to the water park.

My daughter and I went to Schlotsky’s for dinner and short break from shopping. Mid-way through dinner my husband called me. He told me that I needed to come pick them up. He said he had hit his head and felt like he was going to throw up. He was asking me questions and telling me the names of our children as if to remind himself of who he was.

At the time I thought he was playing a prank. He is known for such things. So I played along, answering his repeated questions and telling him that I thought he was playing a joke on me. Eventually, though, after he repeated himself more than a few times and kept saying, “I’m scared. I’m scared”,  I asked him to put our son on the phone. When I talked to our son and asked him what was going on with his dad he said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with daddy.” Then I asked him to tell me what happened. He said that he and daddy bumped heads and that his head was hurting and started to cry on the phone. I told him to give the phone back to his dad. My husband continued to repeat himself, asking me to come get them. I told him to put a park employee on the phone but before he could do that I received a phone call from the mother of one of the kids that was with them. When I switched lines, my husband hung up on me.

When I called back, my husband picked up and I told him what the mother had told me. I asked if he could be home soon and he said, “Yes ma’am.” I realized it was not my husband talking to me but whoever it was put the phone down. I listened in for a while and realized my husband was talking to someone about a head injury. I was positive then that he had not been joking around with me and that something serious had happened.

We left the restaurant. In the car I called back and my husband picked up the phone but handed it over to someone right away. A paramedic got on the phone and told me that my husband had a head injury but the eye test indicated he was okay. However, they wanted me to come pick him up because they didn’t want him to drive.

Then I received another phone call from the mother and she told me the paramedics had called her, too. She said she would meet me at the park.

When we arrived at the park I checked in and waited for them to escort me back to my husband. I called the mother to see if she had arrived and she had. She told me that she would watch our kids because the paramedics were going to take my husband to the E.R. She said my husband was repeating himself and I laughed it off saying it was normal. She said, “This is not normal.”

Inside the park my husband was in good spirits. He was smiling and chatty, walking around looking like he had just won a prize. The paramedics were around him and one approached me and informed me again that he thought my husband had a concussion from an accident where he and my son collided. He suggested I take him to the E.R. and explained why. Thankfully my son was okay.

Ultimately, I could not decide whether to take my husband to the E.R. He didn’t want to go and he can be very resistant and overpowering and I didn’t want to risk that. I called his brother and his brother suggested we wait and see and that he would meet me there. When I discussed this with the paramedic he said that would be okay considering the eye test administered and my husband’s overall condition, but that we should take him to the E.R. if he gets worse.

When my BIL arrived we met him up at the front. My husband talked the entire time, repeating the same questions over and over again. We lingered at the front for a while with my BIL. My husband was really happy and talking a mile a minute, repeating himself and asking questions about things that just happened that were not accident related. I took a video of him telling what he remembered, it turned out to be a good idea because later my husband watched this video over and over again, fascinated that he could not remember any of it.

When we got home he seemed to be regaining memory of events after the incident. He also remembered events prior to it. He began to calm down, too, and started acting more like himself.

This morning he woke me up asking, “Where is the Mazda?” We had left it at the water park and he had forgotten. At first I was worried but as we talked more I realized he was just trying to put together what memories he had of last night and some he still could not locate. He told me he struggled to sleep and opted to work in the middle of the night. I thought it not a good idea but he said he remembered everything about work perfectly, that it is only the event itself and some time after that he couldn’t remember.

Despite my telling him to rest and take it easy, my husband insisted on going for a bike ride this morning with our neighbor. He has always been restless and one to not handle downtime well. He told me he is fascinated with his loss of memory. He views it like a puzzle that needs to be solved.

We are still not completely sure what happened. They were on a non-water slide at the park, one called “speed” something. You lay down on your stomach on a mat and go down a very high and long slide. My son, his cousin and my husband all went down at the same time in different lanes. At some point my son crossed paths with my husband and they hit heads. My nephew witnessed it and said my son got up at the end of his ride and walked across my husband’s lane which is when they collided. My husband only remembers using his feet to try and slow down before the impact.

The water park gave us free tickets and was very apologetic. I am not sure but I think there was suppose to be someone at the end of the slide observing so that accidents like that did’t happen. So they are concerned we might sue them, which is not our intention.

My son is completely fine this morning. He told me he had been crying last night because he felt responsible for his dad getting hurt. Otherwise, my son has no aches or pains or injuries from the collision.

I am still a bit worried about my husband. He seemed like a little kid last night, excited and full of curiosity. This morning he is calmer but still a bit “off”. Peseverating (repeating ones self) is common with concussion but it was/is still disconcerting and he was asking the same questions he asked me last night.




Hello Belief. Goodbye Belief.

How are you handling the blood moon total eclipse and full moon energies? How about all the planets in retrograde? lol Crazy, right?

I have been reading “rebirth” as the theme of these times. Some are saying this is a total life change type of rebirth, like heading in a totally new direction in life via unexpected pathways. Thing is, it is not easy to tell just yet because it is isn’t over. There is another eclipse – a partial solar eclipse – on August 11th.

I am also reading that during this time life will bring up unresolved past issues in unexpected ways. A similar message came to me via dreamtime indicating I may run into issues from 2010. I can’t even recall much of 2010 so IDK. lol I am sure life will remind me when the time is right.

Finally, “emotional” is another word I am reading frequently. This full moon will bring “heightened emotions” for all signs of the zodiac, etc, etc. Thing is, don’t all full moon’s have the tendency do this?

For me, personally, I have already indicated that I am not noticing too much myself. Yeah, I have had a couple of emotionally intense dreams and some irritation at too much random noise (talking especially), but otherwise things are pretty smooth-going and calm for me. In fact, things are looking pretty darn good. Based on the way my life has been going, I have to say all this retrograding is great and I like it. And the full moon eclipse brought me my first OBEs in ages, so I am happy with it, too. I say bring it on and keep it going because it is awesome. lol

It is always interesting to me how everyone jumps onto the current bandwagon (eclipses, retrograde planets and now Lion’s Gate) and makes a big deal in their own way. This happens every.single.year – well since I started following blogs and being more active online (around 2014). I wonder sometimes why everyone gets so excited over these types of things especially since they have been occurring since the beginning (of Earth, of physical Time as we know it). If I think back to before my awakening and compare how I felt then to now (energy-wise), it hasn’t changed. The only thing that has changed is that now I know such things are happening behind-the-scenes. Beyond that, it is still the same.

Image may contain: sky, cloud and outdoor

Real-time shot of the sun that morning.

Recently I had a talk with my husband about the universe sending us “symbols” and “signs”. He doesn’t believe in such things, really, but he got a sign nonetheless and I pointed it out to him because, well, that is what I tend to do. lol The way it happened is he and I opted to have breakfast together before work one morning last week. As we drove to the restaurant, the sky opened up and gave us a beautiful show that lasted the entire drive. It brought me joy and I mentioned it but my husband kept talking away (as he tends to do) about current issues and life stuff.

At a stop light he stopped talking, turned and touched something I couldn’t see. He said, “Look at this! See this tiny worm? It’s on a string! I wonder what kind of worm it is?” I looked and saw it was a tiny inch worm. I told him it was a message and that I could look it up for him. He said, “I don’t believe in that kind of thing.”

What he does believe in is that we are the cause of everything we experience. I pointed this out to him and asked if he could consider then that the worm was placed there by him and the reason for it’s placement was known by him, if he only chose to look/listen. I asked him to consider what it meant to him. He didn’t answer but was pensive for a while. His main take from the whole conversation was that the universe has much to show us if we would only stop and pay attention.

Later, I looked up the inchworm symbolism and low and behold it fit him and his situation perfectly. I sent him an email and we had a good laugh about it later.

The whole point of this story is that none of it matters – the astrological events, the eclipse, Lion’s Gate, ascension, etc – unless you think it does. Period. There is no “right” or “wrong” about it. It just IS. If you choose to notice, then you will see. If you choose to hear/receive a message, then you will hear. If you believe Lion’s Gate will blow your world apart or rain blessings down upon you, then it will. Rebirth? Why not? Just believe it and it will BE.

For me, it is easy to say, “Well I didn’t know any of this until my guidance brought it to my attention. Otherwise, I would never have known about a ‘rebirth’ and the ‘opportunity’ coming my way.” But this is not true. This is just the human part of me playing the game of “not knowing” in order to experience “not knowing”. Ultimately, we know ALL. There is nothing we don’t know unless we choose to not know. Chew on that for a while. It will throw your human mind/Ego into tantrums pretty quickly. lol

So, if you think this eclipse season is the reason for all you are experiencing right now – it is. And so is anything else you believe will come of it. If, by chance, you “sense” a negative experience arising from this belief, then you do have the ability to shift that to your advantage. The catch is, you must believe. hehe That means you have to undo your previous belief (meaning no longer believe) and institute a new one. Not an easy task and why we often get stuck and think that things are happening to us and we have no control over any of it. It can take many days/weeks/months even years to undo a belief!

What I have learned is that thinking and analyzing regularly leads to more complication. Surrender is the best route. This means tossing expectation (which is composed of belief) and just accepting in the moment what the universe has to show you in that moment. This all boils down to having no belief, which is humanly impossible (at least to my knowledge). Notice the emphasis on human. So try and give yourself a break and just enjoy the ride. We are human after all.


Humorous Dream

Interesting dreams to recount. Happy blood moon eclipse!

Dream: Withdrawal

This dream took place in a lecture hall at a university. I was discussing my class load with a professor. His looks reminded me of a young Anthony Hopkins.

It was close to the end of the semester. Finals were on the horizon and as such it was time for me to confront my grades. Some classes I attended daily while others I forgot to the point of missing exams and assignments. The particular classes I had missed were Geometry and History. I had attended History, even taken the mid-term, but gotten lax in my attendance toward the end and it was doubtful I would pass the final. I am not sure I ever attended Geometry.

I told the professor that I wanted to withdraw from those classes rather than risk failure. I also indicated that I was going to stop taking classes after finals because I already had my degree and the additional classes were not necessary. I was just taking them for the fun of it.

The professor indicated that my decision was a good one and headed out of the lecture hall. As I followed him I recalled the class he was teaching was one I was doing well in. The class was Screen Writing. I could see a large projected image up on the screen of the course content we were studying. The other class I was doing well in was English.

Interpretation – It felt like this dream was me indicating to one of my guides that I am done with karmic contracts (History) and certain life (Geometry = sacred geometry) lessons. My decision felt final where in other similar dreams I felt uncertain when I made similar decisions. I find it interesting that I was excelling at Screen Writing. 🙂

Dream: Heart and Soul

This dream began with me sorting through earrings (messages yet received). Many had no backs (incomplete message) and my daughter had stuck several into fabric. I worked to get two heart earrings (message about love/relationship) out and complained to her about how she had created a mess.

Then I was preparing to get ready to go to school. In the room two women were sitting on the bed. One seemed to not like me but I am not sure. They were observing me as I got ready. I was wearing blue jeans (feeling relaxed) and no shirt, just a bra (supported and protected). I think I was talking about make-up (projection of self) and how I no longer needed it.

At one point I said to them, “What kind of music do you want to listen to?.” One woman said, “Why don’t you sing? We want to hear you sing.” I said, “Nah. I have lots of music to choose from.” After thinking a bit I said, “How about ABBA?” They didn’t reply. I really didn’t want to sing because I was embarrassed to but eventually I opted to sing. The song I chose was Heart and Soul.

This part of the dream is hilarious. I started out singing fairly quietly but as I got to the “Give a little bit of heart and soul” I got really into it and sang louder and louder. In the dream I was pretty lucid and remember feeling the song/music pouring out of my center.  It felt so good! I could also hear myself singing and I sounded awesome.

As I was singing I selected a navy blue polo shirt from a closet in another room. It was wrinkled (wisdom) and reminded me of a man’s shirt but I didn’t care. Instead I kept singing, moving with the music and completely oblivious to my audience who were smiling, still sitting on the bed.

This part of the song was really memorable as I was fully lucid by the time I sang it:

Somehow, I lost my way
Looking to see something in your eyes
But love will never compromise
Now this is the politics of life, yeah!

When I was done singing the song I walked out of the room and saw a little boy outside looking in. He said to me, “I’m not cleaning that up.” He was shaking his head and looked like he knew someone had done something very bad. I noticed the room to the right of him was an empty cafeteria (no issues eating me up).

I went inside the room on his left and saw a huge mess. It looked like talc had been knocked on the floor. Everything was layered in white dust. There was a little toddler in on a diaper near the edge of the mess. One of the women from the bedroom came in and said, “BOB! What did you do!?” LOL I laughed in the dream and kept walking, grabbed a tube of moisture cream and slathered some on my face (renewal, fresh start) and headed out of the room (I was still getting ready). I remember thinking my husband had to go to class to and wondering where he was and if he would be late.

Then something flew by me on the floor and disappeared under some furniture. I heard a woman say, “Crap!” I turned and the woman who had scolded Bob had a broom handle in her hand. The bottom of the broom (domesticity) had fallen off as she was sweeping and flown all the way across the room.

The whole thing was so funny I was laughing a belly laugh. It was funny because I could completely relate to the woman’s frustration at the baby, the mess and the broom malfunction. I have been there numerous times and eventually the ridiculous of such situations breaks through the frustration they cause.

I woke up with the tell-tale signs of being OOB – vibrations, difficulty opening my eyes, and a disconnected feeling. I was laughing and thinking, “Bob? Who names a baby Bob?” LOL

I realized that the Heart and Soul song was not by ABBA but T’Pau and that it might be a message. ABBA is a palindrome and so is Bob. However, the message from the song is likely applicable.

An entire memory came to me from high school. My best friend had an umbrella with a man’s head on the end of the handle. She named him Bob because it was a palindrome. We use to talk about Bob as if he were alive and make jokes. I thought that my dream must be trying to get me to lighten up and laugh at “serious” situations. It is all in the way we look at things, really – from the front or the back. 😉

Full Moon Emotion Hits

Well emotion in my dreams anyway….

Tomorrow there is a blood full moon and total lunar eclipse. Can you feel it?

Overall I feel pretty stable considering all the planets that are retrograde and this upcoming full moon eclipse. I believe I owe that to working full-time. It is amazing how working and focusing on numbers all day blocks out all the other “stuff”. 🙂

The irritation at hearing people talk is waning, at least, though I still need quiet and wish for it daily. My husband continues to chatter away on our commute (sigh) and my daughter seems to be in crisis all the time.

With less time at home to take care of routine things I find myself frequently rushing around playing catch-up. All the normal mommy duties need to be done. On top of all that, we are refinancing our home to take care of some of our debt and so there is paperwork and planning all the time. With Mercury retrograde I don’t know how this will work out. Closing date will be on or around August 15 which is still during retrograde. My feeling is all will be fine.

Dream: Meeting for Drinks

The dream began with me sitting alongside my sister. We were both small children and playing happily together.

Out of the blue I received a phone call from a woman who is a “friend” of mine. She told me that everyone decided to meet up for drinks. She explained that they were all concerned about me and wanted to check in. I was not happy about this and tried to get her to cancel but she said everyone was already on their way.

Then we were all inside a large, open restaurant located up on a mountainside. Below was a vast lake. I could see a paved, two lane road winding around and up the mountain to the restaurant out the window. There was a short discussion about cell phone reception being spotty but I can’t recall all of it.

Our group was sat at two circular tables. The woman who had called began talking to me about my “situation”. I only recall now that we spoke about my sister and her plight in life and how she was currently doing. We also spoke about my mom and the rest of the family.

One table left and another was preparing to leave. I noticed a $50 bill on the table. It was for the tip but no one had paid the bill. The woman who organized the group was suppose to do that. I can’t recall the solution.

Then it was just me and the woman standing alone as she was leaving. She said to me, “If you leave things will only get worse.” When she said this to me my heart sank and a sadness filled my entire being. I began to sob and the tears woke me up.

When I woke I was confused by the emotion as it did not seem to match the dream, at least not what I recall of it. My understanding was that I was asking to exit this life early and being told the repercussions of such a decision should I make it.

Dream: Frozen

In this dream I was inside a house with white walls and ceilings. There was knowing that some individuals had been “frozen” and that a certain person had intentionally frozen them. I could see and sense this man in the dream. He was tall and wore a trench coat but other than that I can’t remember his appearance. He would speak to me occasionally, usually to put doubt into my mind.

I was there when these individuals were thawed out. They needed help afterward because they had been frozen at a particular time and their development stunted. They would need help adjusting to their new awareness. One particular individual was a young boy with sandy blonde hair. It felt like it was my job to help him.

Toward the end of the dream I was standing next to this young boy. The dark man behind me seemed to be echoing my thoughts on the situation, my apprehension and concern about being of assistance to the young boy. The young boy came up to me, looked up at me with love, trust and innocence in his eyes. I knew he was in “4th grade” and looking at him caused my heart to break into a million pieces. He needed my help but I did not want to help him for some reason. The ache inside was too much for me and I began to cry. The tears once again woke me up.

When I woke I was once again confused at my displaced emotion. The emotion I felt was akin to seeing an abandoned animal on the side of the road or a newborn baby abandoned and starving. It was a gut wrenching feeling mixed with a sense of unfairness and outrage. Though I wanted to help the young boy in the dream I also did not because I knew it would do no good in the long-run. It was like I knew his future and in knowing it felt my part in it was inconsequential. What was the point of helping one to become aware if all they would experience was more pain? It was similar to when I have come across a wounded or dying baby animal. You have to decide if it is worth it to rehabilitate them or better to put them out of their misery. Ultimately, the answer is that the gift given is the gift of choice, a choice that would otherwise not be there without my assistance.


It appears to me that both these dreams were asking me to look at the bigger picture of my being here in this life. The first involves my family and came as a direct result of me wondering about my OBE yesterday when I felt an ominous feeling near my mom’s house. The “issues” contained withing that “house” were discussed in my dream. Ultimately it was indicated to me that if I were to leave this life prematurely that certain issues would only get worse.

The second dream is about someone I am suppose to help, someone in the “4th grade” (9 years old) who is just now “awakening”. The sense from the dream was that my assistance would cause him suffering and/or pain of some sort and I did not want a part in that. This person would be completely open to me, trusting and naive in his new awareness. The shock of “reality” would be difficult for him and that reality would be gifted to him by me.

I can’t help but think back to the message I got recently about a repeat of lessons from 2010. My sister was in a crisis point in her life at that time which ultimately ended up with her doing time in prison in 2011. This came to mind after the first dream and discussion of her plight at length. The pressure put on the family back then was rough and I wonder if maybe similar pressures are in our future.

How it is that me being in this life assists in the upcoming situations, IDK and I don’t feel it is my place to know the details. I will know enough and already do know enough to do what I came here to do. I have often been told by my guidance that “helping” is not always what it appears to be. We help others in both “good” and “bad” ways. Sometimes we are here to deal a “blow” to someone. This may mean we are made out to be the “bad guy”, but that is how the other person/people learn. We, in turn, also learn a lesson, gaining perspective as the “bad guy”.


Finally! OBEs!

After a very long time (months?) I finally got to venture OOB!

Lucid to OBE: Swan’s

I was at my Mom’s house standing on the back porch looking at the pool when I became lucid in this dream. My daughter and one of my son’s were running with floats toward the pool. This is when I noticed there was a whole flock of beautiful, white swans in the pool. I yelled to my daughter to stop but she jumped in anyway. As I made my way to the water to try and get a photo before the swans took flight I noticed the pool was empty, the water dark with tall grass surrounding the water.

A group of baby swans was left behind and one of them got into the pool with my kids. It seemed tame and was happily playing in the water with them. By this time I was in the water, too, snapping photos with my phone. The water was crystal clear blue and the pool looked like my mom’s pool.

At some point the baby swan left and my daughter went looking for it. She found a shriveled looking thing resembling the dried remains of a very large toad. We were all sad and tossed it into the bushes. Another, larger swan swooped into the pool and floated there gracefully for a while. We were all in awe of it’s beauty. My daughter said she felt the swan was the baby’s mother.

Something about the swans and situation made me super aware of my energy body. I lost solidity in the scene and shifted out. Grabbing the opportunity I shifted back OOB.

HD Wallpapers Desktop: Swan HD Wallpapers

OBE: “Power” Lines 

I ended up in my old room at my mom’s house. I went directly into the kitchen where I saw my mom and sister sitting at the kitchen table. I passed beyond that into my mom’s room. The room was completely different with a twin bed in the center. I commented to my mom about it but upon closer inspection realized it wasn’t her.

I went into the bathroom and saw three people inside getting ready. One was a tall, blonde man and the other two were women. None of them were familiar except the man and I had an out of character need to kiss him, but refrained.

I went back into the bedroom and approached the woman. Her face morphed and settled into one of a fairly attractive woman with dark hair. I didn’t recognize her. We talked but I can’t recall what was said. For some reason I bent down and kissed her. I recall the kiss vividly because it was so physically real feeling. She kissed back but then pulled away disgusted. I left the room and decided to go outside to explore.

I remember there were small dogs – pugs I think – that was inside growling at me. When I went outside, passing through the door with ease, I saw a large, red pick-up parked sideways on the lawn. It’s windows were tinted so dark I couldn’t see inside. The handles one with the door so that you could not open them without a key. Another growling dog was nearby and also a man but I only remember his presence, I never saw him.

Music began to play in the background of the experience. An entire band/orchestra and I seemed to automatically know the words to the song. I lifted up into the sky and began to sing as I flew up the drive and to the left. Higher and higher I flew until I began to feel pulled upward. I didn’t want to go up so I grabbed onto the power lines, following them as I sang.

I wish I could recall what I was singing because it was important (I repeated it in the in-between to try and remember) but I don’t. Instead, I remember seeing the blue sky dotted with clouds, the road below me and a man walking along it looking up at me. My pulling on the power lines knocked them on top of him and I lost visual and shifted back into my body.

OBE: Seeking My Partner

I shifted immediately back OOB and into my old bedroom. I went directly to the kitchen but all was dark. I could not find who had been there before and the whole place felt abandoned. I went back into the bedroom and saw the people who had been there before but their faces morphed and shifted and it felt off to me. I vaguely recall looking closely again at the woman and the blonde man but can’t remember what happened. I think they vanished when I tried to touch them.

I opted to go outside again and it was dark, so dark I couldn’t see much of anything. The entire time I was talking aloud, saying I wanted to find my partner and asking for help to find him. I recall thinking I was tired of being alone and feeling a need from deep within to locate this person.

I rose up into the sky intending to fly again and looked down at the house. I could not see anything but an outline of the rooftop and front yard. I remembered the growling dogs and swear I heard them barking at me. The feeling from the scene was that something was down there I should be wary of. I decided I wasn’t interested in exploring what that was.

I opted to give into my OBE and let myself be pulled up into the sky. I could feel myself surrender as I began to rise and spin faster and faster. My vision was in and out the whole time. Mostly I recall my intention, it was a warmth in my core that swirled as I spun around and around.

The scene went black and I settled down back inside the house. It was as if my HS was saying, “Look here.” I wasn’t interested in a repeat of the other OBE and so opted to shift back into my body. I lingered there in a very warm, peaceful state for a while.

After waking an Ed Sheeran song – Thinking Out Loud – was on my mind. I had heard it the morning before but I heard, “And darling I will be lovin’ you til we’re 70”. This time I heard a different part. This time I heard, “Maybe we found love right where we are.” Probably an answer to my search in the last OBE. 🙂


The symbolism of the first OBE seems to be all about things not being as they seem. A swan starts out ugly but grows into a beautiful creature. Someone or something that may be initially unappealing can turn into quite the opposite. It is important not to prejudice a situation based upon appearance or surface value alone.

The second OBE seems to be more of an exploration. The truck was interesting. Perhaps there is a part of my “work” that I am not allowed to know yet? Then there is the whole section on the power lines. I suspect it could be symbolic of taking back my power, but I don’t know. I wish I could remember the phrase I was repeating over and over. It was a positive one but that is all I recall.

The final OBE seemed to be directing me to look at my mom’s house and that environment as well as the morphing faces of the people I encountered. Probably more lessons on things not being as they seem.

Overall, I feel I am being nudged to look right where I am for all I desire.


A Heads-Up from My Guidance: Possible Future Encounter

The tarot readings I did for myself yesterday prompted further explanation in dreamtime last night. I did not ask for elaboration. In fact I didn’t even wonder or attempt to think on the readings much past what I blogged. Here is the post for reference.

A recap in photos – Top is the full reading and bottom is the response to my question, “What do I need to know”:


Dream 7/20/18

The dream started with me in a movie theater (protecting myself from the emotion of the situation) with a man. He felt like my husband and even his looks were similar but his hair was lighter in color. We were not alone in the theater but sitting far enough away from others that we had privacy. I felt his hand move onto my leg and down into my crotch area. I remember meeting his hand with my own and holding it. I turned toward him and he kissed me. I kissed him back and then we kissed some more. The make-out session was short-lived, though, because I stopped it and said, “Someone will see us.” It felt like we weren’t suppose to be anything more than friends and that I was trying to hide that we were.

Thankfully the intensity of this part of the dream did not bleed through into the physical (thus the movie theater). There was a very strong attraction akin to a heart connection and a heightened awareness throughout.

Then I was with a group of students in a room. I remember the teachers whispering about me and a boy. There was a male teacher particularly concerned that me and this boy may be getting romantically involved. It was inappropriate for us to be together because he was so much younger than me. They watched us for a while and were unsure as to whether they should contact our parents. Instead they opted to observe us. We were always close to the point of touching but did nothing beyond that.

At one point a female teacher entered the room and called the boy’s name. He went to her and she began to take him out of the room. I ran up to them laughing and joking about the situation, saying that he was in 8th grade and then becoming confused and talking to myself saying, “Wait. I think he’s nine so he must be in third grade.” The teacher gave me a very serious look and took the boy out of the room.

I spent quite a bit of time trying to determine the age difference in the dream. I only got as far as to determine I was 18 and he was 9. I remember doing the math 18-9=9 at one point.

Then the dream shifted and I was in another room sitting on stools at a rectangular table with other students. The table was long enough to accommodate at least 10 of us. I sat facing the students and a male teacher walked out of the room leaving us alone to talk. One student was discussing an assignment and how when one student completed an assignment (in this case an essay) the others all had to complete theirs or risk failing. It was like there was no due date until one student completed the assignment. Domino effect comes to mind here.

I interjected and said, “Really? That’s interesting. I just completed an essay assignment.” The boy looked at me and said, “That’s not good. We could all fail now.” I told him that I had just done it because it was there and needed to be done. I hadn’t put any thought into it. It was easy. The boy was concerned about grades and had a very pensive look on his face. I said, “Don’t worry about grades. It doesn’t matter what grade you make. Once you graduate you won’t care. Trust me.”

The others in the class seemed concerned anyway but the subject changed to graduation. Another young man was expressing his worry over graduation. He said, “I don’t have anyone. I’m all alone.” He was concerned no one would be there to celebrate with him. In my mind I saw a visual of a cliff overlook. There was a blanket laid down and stuff indicating a picnic for more than one person but there were no people present. I asked the guy, “No mom? Dad?” He shook his head at both. “No pets? No dog? Cat?” He said, “No.” I laughed and said, “No pet rock?” lol He didn’t find it funny. He hung his head and I could feel from him how alone he felt. I told him, “You won’t be alone. We will ALL be with you.”


I woke up with the first two dreams on my mind despite them being earlier in the night. I knew the movie theater scene was intense and indicative of an intense heart connection. The dream after indicated that there was a connection, too, but with someone younger than me – 9 years perhaps.

Then I considered the tarot reading I gave myself indicating a “moral” situation would arise. My mind went to all the scenarios I could conjure. It seemed like I was to meet someone and they would be younger than me. This I don’t want.

An in-between “dream” came to mind from January, 2018 where I was shown three men. I don’t believe I wrote it down in this blog so I will include it now:

I was in the middle of my mom’s living room. To my right, sitting on the sofa, was a dark haired man wearing a dark t-shirt and blue jeans. He was very lean and seemed tall. I knew him to be a man of few words.

To my left was a younger man who was fair haired and quite intent on winning my affections. I knew him to be much younger than myself and it felt like he followed me around like a puppy dog. It was quite a turn-off because, though I was flattered, I was not interested in him. He was too naive and inexperienced. I thought of him only as a friend.

I was sitting on a sofa that is not in my mom’s living room in real life. To my right was the man from an earlier dream. I could see him clearly. He had reddish blonde hair and acne scars on his cheeks.

A young, dark haired boy around 13 years old was talking to me. He pointed to the dark haired man and said, “Isn’t that ______?” He gave the man a name that sounded Spanish in origin. All I remember now it that it started with an S. We talked about him for a bit and I remember saying that “S” didn’t talk much and was very intense. His personality was not suited for me as a potential partner because I liked to have long philosophical conversations (lol) and needed someone who would carry on conversations that sometimes lasted for hours.

Also, I sensed from “S” that he was interested in me but not pursuing me. Very nonchalant in his demeanor. The message from him was, “If you want to be with me, you have to pursue me. I won’t pursue you and am completely happy without you.” He was projecting this attitude with so much force it was like he was trying to convince himself of it. This was a turn-off to me because I need to feel desired. My suitor should pursue me at least a little bit. It can’t be a one-sided thing. Plus, the attitude of “I’m happy with or without you” repelled me. I need to be needed – my purpose is “to help” – and his attitude said, “I don’t need you” – his energy practically screamed it.

The dark haired boy then said, “What about him?” I looked at the young fair haired boy and saw him in a car (life path) driving on a highway. He seemed to be traveling parallel to me (parallel path to my own). I could see him inside the car only the back end of it was missing (incomplete path) and the front dash (interested in status and goals) was much longer than what a real car’s would be. I knew the “kid” was reckless and determined in his affections and that his interest was in me. He was too young for me, though, and I could sense his expectations and desires. It didn’t feel like he was only focused on the pursuit of me but more like he was nearing obsession and unable to control himself or his emotions.

I told the dark haired boy almost immediately, “No.” lol I knew I should stay far away from that boy.

All that was left was the man I was sitting next to. I snuggled close to him and felt safe. There was an odd feeling that though he was not my first choice he was a good choice. I could not determine much about his personality from his energy other than the “safe” feeling. His energy felt like cool, calming water washing over me.

There is more about the above dream but I won’t go into the details other than to say this was a glimpse into the planning of my future in this body. Contracts were being “reviewed” and I was being shown both past and future (pending) contracts.

When I woke this morning I put 2 and 2 together. I think I am being prepped for meeting the young “boy” mentioned in the dream from January.

This morning my main worry was about encountering someone with whom I have a strong heart connection with. If I should meet such a person I am not sure how I will react nor do I know if I can go through it again.

I heard from my guidance, “Weak” in response to my worry and knew that I was/am. If around someone with whom I have such a connection on a regular basis I think it would be very difficult to control myself.

I hope the “moral” dilemma apparent in the first tarot spread does not test me to the point that I cannot resist the advances of this man (if that is what it is). Based upon the dream insight about the young man, he will not give up easily. I could sense his pursuit of me and his obsessiveness. Not attractive or good. I hope it doesn’t arise from my response to him indicating my own interest and openness to explore our connection. That would mean it would all be my fault for leading him on. However, I may not have much control over that because if it is a Kundalini connection the young man may be pulled in and obsessive because of that.

I will take the tarot spreads and last night’s dream as a warning and “heads up”. When/where this will happen, IDK but my guidance made sure to tell me, “When you meet you will Know.” Yeah. Another one of those messages! I will likely be caught completely off guard. God.

As I lingered in bed I had a vision of a bath tub full of clear water. My first thought was “emotion” but then it could also be cleansing. It just added to the overall message. Emotional intensity. Test. Connection. Moral dilemma.


My first decision in response to this information was to tell my husband about my dream, the tarot spreads and what I believe my guidance is telling me. I made this decision because previously I did not do this and it blew up in my face. So, if there is another heart connection on the horizon I will be completely open and honest with my husband about it from the get-go. My intention is to make it known to this guy right away that I am absolutely not interested in exploring the connection. NOT AT ALL. I will be nice about it but I refuse a repeat of the past.

Interestingly, my husband’s response was, “What I am getting is that this is going to catch you completely off guard.” LOL I said, “Yeah, most likely.” He then expressed how he believes that such an encounter will only strengthen our relationship. Whether he will respond in such a way when/if such a connection comes about, I don’t know but I have hope.

Of course this could all be nothing and a test in and of itself. I will put it on “the shelf” and leave it for now and continue to pray that no such “test” is coming anytime soon.


New Job, Dreams and Spreads

This week has been busy. I started working full-time as a payroll “assistant” at my husband’s place of employment on Monday. To go from two years as a stay-at-home-mom where my schedule was whatever I made it to waking early, working 8 hours, and returning home to mommy duties has been an adjustment. It wasn’t until Thursday that I started feeling somewhat “normal” in terms of mental clarity, alertness, focus, etc.

As I suspected, my job duties are very easy and mostly “mindless” in that I don’t have to think much to complete them. Lots of data entry of invoices, receipts and basic bookkeeping in Quickbooks. I catch on fast at any job and have already learned the basics to the point of needing little to no help when I encounter the varying hiccups that are an anticipated part of the job. In all my work experience one of the issues that plagues me is that I am very efficient to the point that I complete my work way ahead of schedule and end up with nothing to do. Therefore, I end up doing other people’s jobs to stay productive. Already I have done HR paperwork for a new hire because of this. lol

My husband is technically my boss (yeah) so he is enjoying having me as his trainee, making sure to teach me as much as he can about every aspect of the business above and beyond simple bookkeeping/payroll. We commute to and from work together and take lunch together. This is good in that I don’t have to drive and deal with Austin rush-hour traffic but not so good because my husband talks the entire commute (maybe 8 minutes total sometimes more). Already I have had to tell him that I might need to drive separate from him because I prefer listening to music to talking/chit-chat. I swear his continuous conversation was painful on Wednesday. Actually, all communication was painful Wed/Thurs. Perhaps an astrological event or something? Who knows.

The work environment is super laid back – I love it! I can wear shorts and t-shirts (which I do) and the pace is perfect – not to fast or slow. The women I work with are older (Boomers) and so very easy to get along with. So far no gossip or passive-aggressiveness from either of them. The receptionist is younger but I rarely interact with her. In fact, I rarely interact with anyone which is so awesome! I can’t even begin to tell you how wonderfully freeing it is to not have that kind of burden on my shoulders. No parents bitching or kids whining or administrators watching me all the time – just me and the “ladies” doing our jobs as “equals”.

There are no restrictions on overtime either nor is anyone going to question me if I don’t work a full eight hours as long as I get my work done. The lady training me said I can absolutely work from home once I am trained and feel confident about my work. I suspect I will be able to do this once school starts so that I can continue to watch my youngest during his last year at home. Again, another huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

The pay is ridiculously low compared to my potential. I am bringing home less than half of what I would if I were working as a school counselor. Plus, I don’t get the paid time off (no more summer breaks!) yet, though I do get two weeks at Christmas. To give you an idea of the difference, when I worked part-time as a school counselor I was paid more monthly than I will be at this full-time job.

Honestly, though, I would rather work a low-stress, lower paying, mostly mindless job full-time with good people and few public interactions than go back to a full-time, school counseling or teaching job. The stress and burden of responsibility is just not worth it.


I mostly forget my dreams upon waking but there are always exceptions. One night this week I woke up crying from a dream in which I had been encouraging a specific young man to be his best self and he kept purposefully creating roadblocks and being an overall ass. In the end I was so upset by his intention to fail that I began to cry at the loss of his potential. That same night I had also had dreams of my older sister and I think the young man represented her.

Two nights ago I had a very long dream about taking the “TAKS” test (may mean “task”) with my husband. It had been “8 years” since the last test (which I passed). I recall taking the new test and getting to the third and last section of the test which was a map of Europe that had very little detail (still trying to find my path). The instructions were to fill in the Legend with appropriate symbols and their meanings. I was also asked to draw in red the routes between locations. I had trouble reading the map and distinguishing features (confused about what I want). My contacts were not clear (not seeing something) and I asked the proctor about it, telling him I needed to take them out. He gave me a blown up image of the map which didn’t help. I ended up taking out my contacts and setting them on the table. My vision was clearer then but the map still made no sense. The instructions spoke of Germany and France but the map looked like a big blob. I eventually gave up and just turned in the test. I picked up my contacts and put them back in my eyes. I felt exhausted. Then the proctor graded the test. I realized I had not filled in anything, saying, “Oh no! I forgot to write some answers.”  He told me he could not give it back so I accepted my fate. At the end of the dream he showed me my results. I had a 100% on the first test. A 70% on the second and a 58% on the last. I remember seeing my last result in red ink and circled. Funny, the average is 76, so I didn’t fail overall yet in the dream I felt I had.

The entire dream my husband was happily walking around, confident that he had passed and finishing well ahead of me.

My first thought upon waking was that I was retaking a test I took 8 years ago – relearning lessons and all that “fun” stuff. Thinking back to 2010 I don’t remember much in the way of life tests. I wasn’t blogging back then so I really have no idea what was going on or how I was managing. Oh well.


When I am busy working a full-time job I don’t have time to think or even focus at all on much except what I have to get done here in this physical reality. I tend to overlook the spiritual, sweep things under the rug and just ignore things I normally wouldn’t (like dreams and syncs). Despite this, syncs and messages are still coming through.

For example, today I was shopping for groceries and a song was playing that I have only ever heard via a particular friend of mine. I added it to my ITunes and so hear it shuffle through randomly when/if I play music in the car. I have not heard it play in ages but when it came over the speakers in the store I stopped in my tracks, recognized it and thought about my friend. I walked to the end of the isle and there, staring me in the face was my friend’s name (er well pseudonym) written on a bottle. I laughed and went on my way but not without first pausing and getting a strange feeling I cannot describe.

I’ve also had moments at work when random words/thoughts pop into my head out of the blue. They are so out of place that I know they are not mine. I believe I am picking up the thoughts of others there or maybe it is Spirit, it is hard to know without tuning in, which I don’t do.

Similarly, I keep feeling like someone is standing at the door watching me and I will turn and see movement but no one is there. It has been so frequent that I am starting to get a tad bit annoyed. lol

Overall, though, I have not had the time or energy to put much attention on the spiritual. I am still doing yoga every day, though not without difficulty because it is so early in the morning (I am NOT a morning person), but I have not been meditating because when I go to bed I drift off to sleep within 5 minutes (unheard of for me).

Mostly I am noticing an inability to manage lengthy conversations without feeling physically uncomfortable and irritable. I literally want to run – RUN – away. At work I feel faint and sick to my stomach sometimes if I stay in a conversation too long. At home I am having to really work hard to avoid snapping and hurting someone’s feelings. This morning my daughter was talking so much I thought I might lose it. She was happy and giddy and obviously saying every single thing that popped into her mind. Her talking was painful to endure.

Lately, I have thoughts like this during conversations: “This is taking way too long. It shouldn’t take this long to share thoughts. I hate this….” LMAO

I mean really, why do we feel we have to use so many words anyway? And why do we talk about pointless things all the time? So.much.noise.

I just want everyone to shut up. Okay? LOL

Ya’ll get it…..anyway……

With some downtime today I have had moments of energy surges down my spine at various time (like in the grocery store). Probably because I have more time/energy to notice it. Ultimately I decided to draw some cards for myself asking my guides, “Show me what I need to know.” I drew one card and then after asked, “Elaborate” and got the rest.

Here they are:


Osho Zen Tarot – The Lovers, The Dream, Playfulness (reversed), Courage

The first card gave me a nice energy rush up the spine as did the rest. I have not really put much into reading them. I think the message pretty obvious. If you know me and my story then so will you. If not, then use your imagination I guess. lol

I did another spread asking my guidance, “Show me what is coming for me”. This is what I got:


Osho Zen Tarot – Diamond Spread. Participation, Turning In, The Miser (reversed), Morality, Exhaustion

This spread doesn’t look too good. Yay….ugh. The center card is the present. It is accurate in that it indicates that I am participating in life, in the “game” here in physicality. Finally (say my guidance). lol The card on the left is what is behind me – a period of contemplation and rest; a reprieve from the hassles of the workaday world and a much needed time to recuperate and contemplate life. The Miser card (reversed) is the future or can also be what is known. This card often relates to money. In reverse it means the opposite of miserly – so spending freely and perhaps too much. Considering recent events and financial decisions I can see spending freely as an outcome. The bottom card is the transition or what leads to the last card. Morality is often a card that comes up when a big decision is being made, a decision that has moral implications attached in some way, shape or form. It can also indicate a choice or path that tests one’s morals. The phrase, “Damn’d if I do, damn’d if I don’t” comes to mind. The final card is the outcome which is Exhaustion. The Exhaustion card means all reserves are used up and there is overwhelm.

So considering I asked “What’s coming for me” and got this, I can say, “OMG just shoot me now”or I can say, “Guess I need to make a different decision when that moral issue arises.” Hoping I can spot it and avoid exhaustion. I do like spending money, though….. 🙂

Rebirth and Inner Conflict

Rebirth. The messages continue to inundate my dreams. Last night I dreamed of a special plant that had giant seed pods on it. Each pod contained a beautiful cantaloupe orange fruit and a fully formed newborn baby. The plant itself completely dried up when the fruits were ripe. The whole dream centered around this fruit, it’s amazing taste (I ate some) and the babies that it birthed.

Babies everywhere: Rebirth. New opportunities.

In another dream I was dying my hair rainbow colors. It was twisted up tightly in a french braid.

Rainbow braid: I’m trying very hard to be optimistic, strong, confident and courageous right now.

Someone mentioned to me recently that there are currently 5 planets retrograde. I don’t know if this is true but I feel completely retrograded at the moment and it is only getting worse the closer I get to my solar return (Aug 4th). I would describe how I feel as exhausted – mentally, physically, emotionally. I sleep very deeply every night and my dreams dissipate upon waking except for a few strange images and symbols, left for my inspection I am sure. Like babies and fishing…and cryptic messages like, “This is it”. I often wake from these dreams with a decision. For example, after the cryptic message I felt I needed to take a break from everything internet related, be more real in my interactions and step away from all things spiritual. I nearly deleted all social media account apps from my phone after that, but didn’t. I figured it would just another fickle moment and I would change my mind again and again regardless, which I have more than once. I’m really messed up in that regard right now. I can’t seem to make up my mind about anything. I hate indecision.

Remember the dream I posted where there was a battle between Jupiter and Mars? I think it may have been a warning of an internal battle I was to fight in the future. This morning I read this post indicating that Mars is really close to Earth right now, a
“fifteen year approach”. The post also mentions we are going through a rebirth which I am certain is no coincidence considering all the baby symbolism and direct message of “you are being reborn” I’ve been getting.

The whole post seems to perfectly describe what I am going through right now, but specifically this:

The five-year Moira-Chaos Cycle is about how much Choice we put into Reaching for our Dreams, and on a deeper level, whether we even Give Ourselves Permission to Dream, or just let our Karmic Limitations control the Edges of our Life.  Nothing we can do about it, it’s just The Way It Is.  We can fantasize all we want, but on this Planet, those are just Immature Longings.  Just think how much it would Disrupt our nicely organized Life if we followed those Longings.  We’d probably be arrested, and certainly ostracized.  Those Longings aren’t even Real, they’re too weird.

That’s the way we Justify our Limits to ourself so we don’t have to take a Risk and Break Out.  That’s our Choice, isn’t it.  To not rock the boat, to not be Crazy.  To not Betray anyone.  Except Ourself.  It’s easier to leave those dead fronds on the Palm Tree, isn’t it.  That ladder looks dangerous.  God, they’ll Freak Out, won’t they.

 So, we’re Stuck, aren’t we.  We can’t Betray our Commitments – what will that do to our Karma?  And we can’t Betray Ourself – our Deepest Desires are too Deep to Let Go.  What can we do?

All of the above describes my inner “fight” right now. My inner dialogue is something like: “Follow my heart/longing….no, wait, don’t. Stay where I am….. God. I’m stuck. I have to stay because…(blah, blah, blah).” All this is intermixed with a longing I cannot describe except to say that it is like a magnet at times but my response to it is always, “Not yet. I can’t yet.” It is so infuriating and…exhausting.

Jupiter Facts for Kids | Cool2bKids

A sneak peak at my astrological year (2018) said that I would experience a “mid-life crisis” and supported all of the indecisiveness and inner conflict I’ve been experiencing this year. The horoscope suggests I not make any hasty decisions and ride out this year without making any drastic moves. It suggests I really think about career moves and any move I make before I make it. Thinking now, though, leads to indecision mostly. I am pulled in two directions always making a decision seem impossible. My interpretation of this feeling is to do nothing; make no change.

I have already recognized that I am struggling to reconcile the completion of “karmic” contracts with an intense longing that pulls me away. The two tugging me in opposite directions. Constantly. It is agonizing at times. It would be nice to be out on that boat on the bay again, lulled into serenity by the gentle waves. Sigh.

Ultimately we have to just let go and allow the process to unfold, and that is what I am doing. The job I mentioned previously which had seemed to be dematerializing has presented itself for my taking  – which I already knew would happen so was not concerned really. I am not surprised that this path presents itself at this time in my life. I had asked for work that could help pave a path away from my previous career path – education – and that would open doors to me working from home. This job does everything I asked for. All I have to do is accept it and show up for work with my husband in the morning. I am not excited, though. I had hoped for work far away from home and family, something to give me an excuse to leave and relieve myself from my karmic responsibilities. This does none of those things. If anything it leads to resolution of some of that karma.

Similarly, I have chosen not to go to Atlanta in the Fall. I can go another year or to another seminar. There is one in Boulder next year if I want to go. I can’t go to Atlanta for various reasons. Mainly, I can’t go because the feelings that arise from just the idea of going are too chaotic and unstable. I would not be balanced if I went, that is obvious to me. The inner “fight” would be prolonged if I went.

The solution is given in the post I linked above. Ask for both karmic debts to be paid and inner longings to be met. Then trust that it will be. I have been asking this for some time and if I look into my core Self I know that it will be as I have asked. I just need to be patient, follow the path ahead using my heart as a compass, and keep the faith. But my human self views time as her enemy, as something she is working against. Evidence of it everywhere – my body aging by the day, skin sagging, more aches and less vibrancy; desire is diminished; apathy setting in with each mundane task that must be completed.

Life truly is a fight right now for me. Or a test. However you put it, it is difficult.

Mid-life crisis. LOL


Home from Vacation

We returned home last night from South Padre Island. The trip overall was a success with some minor hiccups along the way. My husband left our 10-year-old daughter to make the reservations and did not double check them before booking. This left us with less than ideal sleeping quarters but it was workable.

Four full days of beach time was a bit too much so I suggested we take advantage of some other activities available on the island. I mostly wanted to take advantage of the perfect conditions and go fishing. The entire time we were there the weather was mild with temps in the mid-80’s, the water was very clear (unusual) and the winds calm. The water was so clear that we could see fish swimming under our feet when were swimming! It reminded me of the waters in the Caribbean and Australia.

So, we booked a dolphin sunset tour for the third night and a bay fishing excursion the next morning. We had considered a deep sea fishing trip but it took half a day and our children would likely not do well for such a long period of time. The bay fishing was 4 hours and in shallower water.

The kids really enjoyed the dolphin cruise. Though they had never been on a boat of that size (only kayaks) none were nervous and we had no sea sickness. The dolphins showed up enough that my youngest kept yelling, “Mommy! I saw a shark! I saw it’s fin!” lol He eventually realized it was not a shark toward the end. 🙂

We got to see a beautiful sunset over the bay as well on that trip.

The next morning we rose early and I was able to go to the beach and watch the sunrise. I didn’t get much sleep the entire trip so waking early was no issue. For some reason I struggled to get to sleep while there. When I started to drift off I’d wake suddenly in a panic, my heart racing. I have no idea why this happened.

The fishing trip was fun but my oldest and youngest both had full-on panic attack episodes over the waves rocking the boat. My oldest recovered to the point of actually catching almost as many fish as me. My youngest took longer. He had to sit in the captain’s cabin to recover. We caught lots of fish. I lost count of how many I caught but among them were sand trout, whiting, catfish and a black tipped shark (oh and one crab but that doesn’t count). Adrian caught four keepers and we ended up with enough fish to have fish tacos for lunch. None of the fish were very big but it was still fun.

While on the boat I was in heaven. I could have stayed out on the water all day. The rocking of the boat caused me no issues whatsoever which was a surprise. I am prone to seasickness. The weather was so mild, the water blue and the skies cloud-free. The rocking of the boat was relaxing to the point that I found myself in a kind of meditative state. I remember daydreaming about living there and working on a boat. I told my husband I wish I could have stayed out on the water all day every day. The only thing missing was catching a bigger fish, one that gave a good fight. I suggested to my husband that we take a trip, just the two of us, and fish the entire time. That would be so awesome. I doubt it will ever happen. He is not into fishing like I am. 😦

Something odd that happened after the fishing trip was that for the next 24 hours whenever I would close my eyes I could still feel the boat rocking in a very real way. My oldest two children complained about the feeling. I actually liked it. It felt somewhat like I was plastered drunk without the sick/spinning part anyway. Unfortunately, it kept me from falling asleep. I didn’t really mind, though.

The other part of the trip that I enjoyed was being in the water and floating on my back while the waves rocked me back and forth. This particular beach was perfect because of the sand bars. They broke up the typical riptides making for perfect swimming conditions. We could go out hundreds of feet from the beach without worry of being swept away. The sand bars extended even further than that.

As I assumed would happen, the drive to and from South Padre was the most challenging. We rented a Dodge Caravan so the kids could move around freely and boy did they ever. Moments of quiet were rare. Fights broke out often and my husband insisted on chatting throughout. I just wanted silence or music. I didn’t get my way. 😦 Eventually, I just laughed through the crazy moments, poking fun at myself for being irritated at my kids for being kids. I thought to myself, “If I had gone on this trip without them I would miss this chaos and their energy.” I ended up laughing so hard I cried one time because Elek kept screaming at the top of his lungs for no reason at all except to scream.

Here are some photos of the trip.

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