Am I Aware?

It is true that every person we meet is an opportunity to see ourselves.

Last night while sitting quietly outside in the dark, my guidance came through. Our exact mental exchange is lost to me now but the final understanding was/is not. I was reminded that everything I’ve felt via the Kundalini is me. Every blissful explosion of the heart, every passionate rising, every automatic asana my body has morphed into of its own accord – all of it is me. Similarly, everything I’ve felt in this experiment we call Life has also been me. 

It can be hard to grok just how powerful we are even to the point that when we are face-to-face with ourselves we cannot accept the truth of our power. The only way we are truly able, then, to see ourselves is through others. They offer us a glimpse only; a spark of memory. 

My guidance reminded me that I know how to Surrender and urged me to return to it, fully opening to what is before me without resistance, without expectation. My questioning led me back to a Knowing that my forgetfulness is a gift, allowing me to remember myself over and over again, brand new in the moment. With each encounter with another I receive memory. It is up to me alone to decide what to do with that memory. 

Perhaps the most profound part of what I was realizing was that I need others to experience myself fully. Without others to reflect to me myself, I am blind. Rather than withdrawing from those who I do not like or feel repelled by, I should pay attention because that reaction in me is a reaction to me. Will I show myself kindness and compassion when I see myself? Or will I flee, avoidant of that which I do not wish to acknowledge?

For a long while I have had this insight that I toss for foolishness. Surely it is not truth, I think to myself. This insight is that I should aspire to love, admire and accept those very aspects about others that repel or disagree with me. In fact, it feels like part of my purpose here; a lesson I am here to learn. And, if I look at the most challenging times in my life, I can always find an instance of rejection on my part of another. I reject that they could be right, I reject their point of view….or I reject their very existence! I struggle most with feeling objection when others seem to seek to impose their expectations upon me but had I looked at my own expectations, I may not have walked away with such resentment but instead would have been left with a calm acceptance of what is regardless of the outcome.

And you know what is the most ironic part of this whole revelation of mine? I believe that being alone in my hermitage is protecting me from the pain and disillusionment of this world. Ha! The fact is, withdrawing from interacting with others, avoiding inviting others into my space and my aura, is in fact limiting my ability to truly Know myself. Pain and disillusionment is just a small portion of the vast emotions and feelings to be felt here. And all those feelings can be linked to me, linked to my acceptance or rejection of myself. 

Ultimately, knowing all of the above doesn’t mean I have to change how I live so much as it means that awareness should at all times be held ahead of experience. Remaining aware of the moment, of myself and others in the moment, and accepting that moment is all that needs be done. The rest will fall into place after that. 

The challenge is to train the human mind to be silent so that incidents from the past or considerations about the future do not impose upon the present. We think we remember so much but the reality is we remember nothing. 

The mind is a trickster. 

Maybe the easiest way to approach each interaction with others is to think of every interaction as a daydream of our own creation that has come to life before us. We are the players of all the roles including director. Where we put our focus becomes our reality, our focus narrowing as we step into a specific role. The idea is not to step into all the shoes of every player but instead to step back and take in the whole set as an observer, unaffected by any one role, standing in admiration of the perfection of the scene before us. But I must not forget how powerful I am. I can play all the roles, or none. I can be observer or not. And I can be all of the above while also being none.

But am I aware of what I am creating? Am I Aware

Repetitive Dream Themes, Heavy Energy, and Anxiety

How have you all been feeling these last few days? It’s been intense, that’s for sure! It seems the healing goes deep and wide, pushing the subconscious limits as well as the physical ones. Below are my observations and experiences.

Dream Theme: Serenaded

Two nights this week I had dreams where I was being serenaded. In the first, I was in an airport going through customs when the lights dimmed and my attention was pulled toward a man in a spotlight singing on a “stage”. He was singing to me about his love and devotion for me. I began to sing along with him and this woke me up. I don’t know who he was but the message was clear. He loved me and would wait for me.

The other dream was a night later. I saw an elderly couple sitting in a loveseat. The woman started singing and the man sang along, harmonizing with her. Her voice was broken but still beautiful. When the man sang it was deep and pure. He had a wonderful voice! When they sang, their message was of waiting for their love and at times it was obvious they meant for me to hear their song. I remember they sang to me, “I will wait for you.” 

Interestingly, I decided to watch What Dreams May Come again. I’ve watched it more times than I can count yet couldn’t remember some of it. The message of the movie was similar to those dreams. That we are loved and those on the Other Side are but a blink away, always there, always waiting. 

Dream Theme: ReUnion

Lately, I’ve had several dreams with a certain person I know from online. He makes an appearance is all, but I recognize him and it is clear in my dreams that I see his face, or his likeness at least. I am also very acutely aware of his energy prior to falling asleep. It feels like he is watching me from a distance. Waiting.

Two nights ago he appeared in a theater with me, sitting in the front row one seat directly in front of me. It was an isle seat and I accidentally touched him on the head. He turned around and said something to me and I saw him clearly, though his face was not in focus. I noticed his nose mostly and paused for a moment in the dream before moving on. 

Then last night we were in the dream together for quite a while, interacting. I remember I told someone, “I want to be with him.” I pointed him out and looked at him from a short distance. He was golden in color and shifty, like I was seeing his energy body. I found him attractive, though it was his energy more than his physical appearance. 

He was in a house with me and others. I think I saw my “twin” there as well, sitting near a wall, observing. The house resembled my childhood home. We were preparing for school. I was putting on clothing and doing my makeup. The energy was anticipatory. A classmate/friend approached me wearing my chosen outfit. It was black and white with a tank top, plunging neckline and flowing skirt. She was dark haired and voluptuous. The outfit showed her cleavage and fit her differently than it did me. I let her wear it and complimented her, choosing instead a white jumper. As the time came for us to depart, I went to the bathroom to freshen up. I looked in the mirror at my face and put on some extra powder around my eyes and smoothed my hair. The vision of myself was fresh and attractive, my eyes glowed. I saw a clock momentarily. It was 9:48 and I knew we had to be there by 10.

The dream goes hazy and then I remember hearing, “We are all in this together.” I woke momentarily but settled back to sleep, entering the in-between where I found myself standing in the middle of what appeared to be a massive library. I was holding a large book. It was tucked under my left arm and so big I could feel it pressing up into my armpit. There were two bookshelves on either side of me that were so tall they disappeared into the sky. Rows up rows of books lined each shelf. Suddenly, all the books exploded, bursting apart at their bindings, becoming dust. 

The exploding books startled me and I woke up. This time I was thinking of what I heard, “We’re all in this together.” It felt like the message and the vision coincided but I couldn’t remember.

Still tired, I dipped back into the in-between momentarily where a blue book opened up in front of me. In a flash I both saw and heard the word, “Kronos.” 

This was the final straw. I couldn’t return to sleep, the messages repeating in my mind along with images from dreamtime. 

We’re all in this together.

Kronos.

Heavy Energy and Anxiety 

Since the end of last week the energy has been heavier. I’m noticing the people around me are affected in different ways. My sister, for example, suddenly wants to talk more, to try and resolve past differences. Specifically, she wants me to help her do this with our mother. She mentioned she is crying more – emotional. My mom has also been more emotional. She was crying on the phone while talking with me, which is unusual for her. Finally, a friend of mine has been reaching out, worried about the future and having upsetting dreams and another online friend has been highly disillusioned. So it is clear the energy is hitting everyone differently, depending on what they need to work on and clear.

For me, personally, I have felt more anxious. I’m not really surprised about it because prior to the energy shift I had a dream when I was selecting sweaters from a dresser as I prepared to go on a trip to Montana. The sweaters were all crop tops and when I put one on I saw myself clearly, my stomach exposed right where the 2nd and 3rd chakras are. When I woke I knew the significance. Sweaters are protection. So while the rest of me is protected, my 2nd and 3rd chakras would be exposed. My understanding of this is that the energy would be specifically focusing on those chakras and to expect the emotions associated with them to be more acute. Thus, anxiety mixed with many other emotions, has been prominent.

After the above dream warning I started to meditate mid-day, around 2pm, for 30 minutes. I’ve experimented with various types of meditations – guided, singing bowls, binaural beats. This decision came with a Knowing that I need to calm my thoughts and sure enough my mind has been in overdrive and difficult to quiet. 

Yesterday was almost toxic energy-wise. I woke up with this near compulsion to make some hasty – rash even – decisions about my life. I felt like taking a school counseling job, quitting my current job, moving house, filing for divorce, and relinquishing my share of the family business. It was a feeling of just “letting it all go” and starting over. It didn’t freak me out. I even considered acting on it, but all this was interrupted and put on hold by a message from my sister.

So, I ended up having a three-way FB conversation with my mom and sister. My sister was freaking out over Covid, vaccination mandates, etc, and wanted to meet up to discuss an emergency plan for when all our rights are taken away. She is acting like the end of the world is near. I felt a pang of anxiety hit me so this exchange seemed to validate what I was feeling and eventually feed it. The exchange ended with me trying to refocus her on her own, on-going emergency. I told her I was not interested in talking about Covid as it could only lead to negative, fear-mongering energy and I wanted no part in it. I ended up triggering her and eventually my mom left the conversation altogether. I think she was getting triggered by my sister. I wasn’t really triggered at all. In fact, I felt good about staying calm despite the huge pit of anxiety in my stomach. 

Most of the morning this anxiety swirled in my lower stomach area, occasionally going to my chest and into my throat. I went on a morning run to get some space and it seemed to help. Later, though, I had to take a walk because just standing at my computer doing work was unbearable. Going outside always helps stave off a full-blown panic attack and I was really, really close to that. OMG I hate the feeling!

The meditation I did later that afternoon was emotional despite only being 10 minutes long. It helped to release the anxiety I had been feeling and I felt much calmer afterward.

Just as I was typing the above I recalled a dream in which I was being given medicine for IBS. The specific symptom mentioned was a shooting pain. The “doctor” told me that my IBS was the direct result of anxiety. He specifically pointed out how I am more anxious than I realize, holding onto high amounts of anxiety to the point that it has become my norm. The next morning I looked up the symptoms and causes of IBS because I had been having some mild recurrent symptoms. Bingo. And again – the second and third chakras come up because these are the chakras connected to IBS.

Add in to all the above the 20th anniversary of 9/11….and I just want to sigh really loudly, breathe and send love out to the world.

So, if you are feeling a lot like this now, take it easy on yourself. Take lots of breaks. Practice deep breathing. Meditate. Feel the weight of your body against the ground/bed/chair and focus on how supported it is – you are. 

Like my guidance said: We are all in this together. The entire world needs to take a deep breath, let out the pent up emotion and release the fear.

Interesting Development

As if yesterday weren’t weird enough (and to end off on this topic of anxiety/fear), my husband and I talked a bit about Covid and the anti versus pro vaxers. He mentioned how a particular coworker’s wife is pressing him to quit because my husband – his boss – is not vaccinated. She is really terrified and putting it on her husband daily. My husband asked me why I chose to get vaccinated. Ultimately, I told him that I felt that even though the vaccine would make no difference to me, it made a huge difference to those around me who truly believed the vaccine would keep them safe. So, ultimately I did it to help lessen their fear, not my own. In the end, it also helps me because I can sense/feel their fear and if I can diminish that fear, then it lessens its impact on me. So win-win. My husband smiled, nodded his head and said, “I think I’m going to get the vaccine.” I asked, “Why?” He said, “So I can make his wife feel better which will make him feel better which will make me feel better.” 

We both agree, anything that will lessen the fear of the world is good because fear is the real virus. 

Stop Questioning

The past can teach us so much, if we take the time to listen.

In terms of the world, we all know this to be true. We are taught history as we grow and mature into adults, albeit a biased one depending on where you grow up. If we have good teachers, we are taught to pay attention to past mistakes so that we can avoid making them again in the present and future. Sadly, so many are not taught this, forget they are taught it or ignore what they are taught altogether preferring to be told what to do rather than think for themselves. And even if you are one of those who thinks for themselves, it is easy to get caught up in the present whirlpool of events and be blinded by them. 

The trap is real. It is forged by time and space, humanity and duality. We really do end up stuck in quicksand when we agree to incarnate into this physicality. 

For me, personally, the reality of forgetfulness has been hard to swallow. I knew it to be true in one sense – in that when we descend into this reality was Forget who we Are. I knew it partially in another – that memories fade as we age and ultimately become distorted by the degradation of our mental faculties. It has left me wondering, “How can I avoid making the same mistakes if I cannot trust my own memory?” 

The recent return of an old friend and lover has revealed just how unreliable my human memory is. The more I read through my old journals, the more I realize just how skewed my memory has become. Sure, it has been almost 20 years. I should give myself a break, right? But still, I am not that old yet and I had such certainty when it came to my memories. Yet, I am finding what I recall is very, very lacking and my selective amnesia is to blame.

Throughout our present email communication, I have felt a familiarity and a kind of dejavu sense. Curious, I dove into my journals to read, specifically, the old emails I had kept. What a shocker I was in for! Not only did I forget the emotion and the specifics of the relationship, but I noticed that the me of the past has not changed much in her reactions to life over the last 20 years. It was clear to me that my thoughts created my discontent. My constant looking forward, my constant seeking of “more”, and my feelings of inadequacy and lack drove me into despair time and time again. And, truly, I am such a drama queen!

As if to hit it all home, I had a distinctly synchronistic message come to me ahead of this realization. One morning, before my walk with our dog Monty, my attention was pulled to a cartoon my children were watching, Gravity Falls. If you don’t know about it, you should check it our because it has a lot of deeper meaning to include time travel, alternate realities, inter-dimensional travel and symbolism. In this one particular episode the main characters recognize that they had all been chosen to play specific roles. I saw that they wore symbols and, at the exact moment I was drawn to pay attention, the question mark symbol came into view. It was frozen in my memory. 

Later, as I returned from my walk, I looked down and saw clearly in the asphalt the outline of a perfectly shaped question mark. I paused, knowing it was no coincidence, and time seemed to pause briefly. I wondered what it meant as I turned and saw the stop sign ahead of me. I thought, “Stop questioning.” Hmmm

In putting two and two together, it was clear to me that most, if not all my self-created problems, were the result of my constant questioning. In my early years of awakening, my guides would tell me, “You’re asking the wrong questions.” I had always thought I needed to formulate my questions better, but in this moment I thought, perhaps, the real message was that I needed to stop questioning so as to not be pulled into the inevitable paradox that resulted. The Knowing process is not a mental one anyway, it is a spiritual one. Knowing is not questioning. Knowing is Knowledge that is derived from our Higher Selves, from our Core, from Source. 

And, of course, one of the things I noticed from my journal is that it was FULL of questions. I would ask so many and write the answers. Half or more of the answers I received about my own future never came to pass. So often I would catch myself laughing at my own naivety. My journal was full of examples of the snares I set for myself. It was obvious I was looking for adventure, for something magical and exciting to save me from my boring and very mundane existence. I imbued everything – every experience, every dream, every synchronicity, every thought – with significance and meaning. And then I would fight against that significance and meaning to create a masterpiece of a storyline and keep myself entertained.

The most humbling part of this realization is that I continue to do this to this day. I have shifted somewhat, yes, and matured despite my own self-sabotage, but in general I continue as always, a creature of habit, as we all are. 

But I am human after all.

Ultimately, I recognize that through all of this, the lesson is to learn to embrace the moment, to accept what IS. It is something one must practice daily until it becomes a new habit. It isn’t easy, either. Life has a way of making us forget (as I mentioned earlier). The quicksand will suffocate you if you fight it. Allow and you will remain above the surface. 

All of this goes hand-in-hand with gratitude. If you sit in acceptance of your life you feel nothing but gratitude. That gratitude is instantly lost when you compare the present moment with the past or the future. When one is truly in the present moment, the mind is quiet and you are filled with a presence that swells with gratitude. And if you allow that gratitude to grow by focusing solely upon it, something altogether greater is felt: Bliss.

Stop Questioning. Surrender. Accept. BE.

BEing, surrendering, accepting doesn’t mean you stop living. The moment is fluid and so must you be to remain within it. There is no DOing until the moment brings it into BEing. This is where the practice of Noticing is needed. You Notice an opening as the flow shifts subtly and then, in that moment, either choose to flow with it or continue to observe it. This choice is not made in the mind. It is automatic, made by the Higher Self. Once that moment is gone, it is gone. And that is OK. The Higher Self Knows and chooses in accordance with its purpose. There is no point in questioning that for it just IS. 

And with all the above Knowingness, I realize it was brought to me by a simple request, but one I have made time and time again with spotty results. The request was, “I want to feel the Bliss all the time.” Well, now we know how, don’t we? 

As if to further demonstrate, I had a night full of dreams where all I felt was Bliss. Not the raging, volcanic Kundalini kind of Bliss but the full body, tingling with Love kind. My favorite. It revealed to me my True Self, the one that I often find myself being when I am OOB or in a lucid state. I am pure Joy and wish nothing more than to share it with others, for when I am with others that Joy is amplified. 

Past Forward

An odd theme is presenting itself lately. It seems like past relationships are returning to the present. Usually, this takes place in dreams but it has also seeped into physicality. For example, an ex from years ago has been communicating with me via email for a couple of weeks. I reached out to him first because I read an old email from my journals and wanted to tell him something about what I’d learned from that time. He seemed overjoyed to hear from me and has been emailing me, though intermittently. In the past his emails were very sporadic. He would wait weeks before responding to me and it was very agonizing for the me of almost 20 years ago. Now, I don’t have that issue at all, and his pauses don’t even phase me. I would love to talk like we use to but am feeling like taking my time with this unfolding. What will result, IDK and I don’t have any expectations otherwise.

Similarly, it was not long ago when my “twin” came to mind out of the blue and I felt like he would be contacting me. The reminders began as little hints from the environment like seeing his name here and there or hearing a song from that painful time. Then one night, not long ago, my guides warned me that soon I would be either contacted by him or something similar. It surprised me and then I told my guidance, “I don’t care. I don’t want to talk to him.” 

Then this morning I woke up around 4am from a dream with him in it. When I went back to sleep I had another dream of him.

Dream: Black Mustang

This dream is hard to recall because the second dream overwrote it. 

I remember being around my “twin” in the dream. Mostly, I observed him from a distance. When I recognized him it made an impact and I’m surprised I didn’t become lucid in the dream. I recall seeing another woman with him. She had blonde, almost white hair that came to her shoulders. I never saw her face as her back was to me. 

The next thing I remember is discussing a departure flight time and being outside standing in the snow (frozen emotion) which was very crusty like it had melted and refrozen many times. Parts of it were in drifts so that when you stepped on the surface it would crack and you would fall through to your waist. There was mention of skiing but I don’t think a ski (getting through difficult times) trip was involved. My “twin” said his flight was at 8am and asked me when mine was. I told him, “Not until 1pm.” 

After he left I was sitting alone feeling off and a bit confused. Old emotions were resurfacing and I felt like I had no one to talk to and that no one who could listen would understand. A woman who was concerned and felt motherly asked me what was wrong. I told her, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about him.” It was a bit of a relief to share this but it didn’t make me feel any better. I was reliving that time in my life. The mother figure said, “You should tell him how you feel.” 

Thankfully, the memories of those emotions didn’t get strong enough to wake me. They were muted but there, especially the upset at not being able to stop thinking about him. It made me feel obsessed and I didn’t want to feel that way.

To my surprise, he returned for a visit. I was overjoyed to see him. He came to show me his Mustang convertible (desires, dreams and wishes). I remember it as both a white color and then a black color. It would shift between the two – the one from my memory (white) and the one he was actually driving (black). He invited me into the car and so I crawled into the back seat. I looked up at the roof which was unlike any convertible I’ve been inside. Only a foot wide sliver of the roof was open to the sky. I could see the underside of the roof. It was sparkling as if covered in glitter. I commented that it was like seeing the stars. Like the car, the color of the roof shifted between black and white. 

I awoke from this dream feeling the muted emotions trying to break the surface. My response was to allow some to do so but then I said, “I’m not going to go there again” and stopped the tears. A guide was close and I spoke to her for a bit. I remember saying, “I still love him”, feeling sad and wishing this life would end. My guide asked me if I thought my wish to leave this life might be connected to my lives with him. I replied that it likely did, though I’ve felt that way since before I met him in this lifetime. I reflected on the past lives I’ve recalled with him and how I often ended up dead after he chose to turn his back on me, leave me, abandon me or ignore me. It felt like the pattern was on-going. The only difference in this life is I’m still alive. 

Dream: Bridge of Cars

When I returned to sleep I entered another dream. This time I didn’t see my “twin” but instead was observing a rickety bridge (transition), one of those kind that is made of rope and wood planks. It was high in the air and swinging. On the bridge were several cars (lives of others) attempting to cross. They were stopped in the center because of the swinging of the bridge. I could see an off-shoot that was roped off, an exit or alternate route. It felt very precarious and it seemed like the cars wouldn’t make it.

The next thing I recall is seeing this Asian man crawling on the underside of the bridge towards the exit. He seemed unafraid as he navigated the moving bridge, crawling underneath it by grabbing onto the rotted and sometimes broken planking. I remember he purposefully didn’t look down. He slipped at one point, nearly falling, but didn’t let it phase him. He successfully climbed onto solid ground and then helped the cars pass through. 

I remember talking to my guide while this dream was occurring. There is memory of my guides referring to my “twin” as “your cousin”. This made me pause as I contemplated what that might mean. It likely means we are very, very close soul family (first tier). Then I asked, “What should I do?” The response I got was, “He wants you to do the work.” This answer was given around the time I saw the man crawl up onto solid ground. I don’t know why, but I broke down sobbing and woke up.

Considerations

When I woke I was wondering about what I was told about doing “the work”. I don’t know exactly what it refers to. My own clearing work? If so, I have no idea what that entails. I thought back on that time in my life and reflected a bit on it. Perhaps I am being asked to finish what was started? If so, what does that entail? Am I suppose to contact him? Or am I just suppose to release those emotions and the past? Or are we meant to reconnect and finish this together? And then maybe “the work” just has to do with my purpose here.

It seemed to me like we’ve had many lifetimes where we meet briefly and then move on. I am always blown away by the love and connection. My guess is I become clingy or intense and this is scary to him and he withdraws. I remember thinking that our short encounters are purposeful. We meet to impact each other, to catalyze one another, and then go on our way. 

I thought of the time we met in person for the first time. The desire to hug him and never let go was very strong. It was something I couldn’t control. The Kundalini was always threatening to explode upward and I struggled to push it down, but I succeeded. We both experienced an odd bubble of energy that night that kept us awake. At the time I didn’t know what it was, but I think I do now. That energy was our Higher Selves attempting to merge, to create that telepathic/energetic link. I don’t think I was resisting. I remember being in awe of the energy and not really minding that it kept me awake. It felt like I was three times my normal size! He told me that it bothered him, though, so I suspect he was resisting. Afterward he withdrew a little more every day until, ultimately, he disconnected.

I also recalled how my “twin’s” HS seemed to me. He was always playing around, teasing me and trying to get me to laugh. Our relationship in Spirit is very mischievous and playful. At other times we would just sit or walk together holding hands, our mind’s quiet and our hearts overflowing with love. The part of me that is playful is evident. He brings it out of me. In this lifetime (and others) we both tend to be overly serious, me more than him in this life. Our HS find this amusing and we often tease one another about it. 

The bridge dream appears to be symbolic of the work my “twin” is doing (and me also). We act as bridges, helping others across; Wayshowers. It is clear to me that we did not come into this life to be together romantically and that part of my lesson is to be able to accept friendship with him despite wanting so much more. When I am able to accept the love I have for him without expectation, then the energy between us will flow smoothly and resistance will melt away. 

Honestly, I don’t know how I can feel the kind of love I felt for him and not cling to it. I am able to easily stay disconnected from the sexual bliss/flow, but not the heart bliss/flow. The heart bliss makes me feel like I am Home – Whole – and since I have such Homesickness here, feeling Home is pretty much all I want to feel.

Past Forward

This time of year always seems to bring the past forward to the present for inspection. I suspect it’s astrological and I don’t mind it really, though sometimes it can be painful. It wasn’t long ago that I was reading through my old journals and focusing on past relationships, some romantic and some just friendly. I noticed how my memories of those people and times do not match what I wrote in my journal! So much I forgot and so much I changed – why? I think perhaps we all tweak our stories over time, focusing on the lessons and so losing or altering the “facts”. And maybe altering memories is a kind of coping mechanism, too, to help us feel less “wrong” or put a Band-Aid on the hurt. I most definitely covered up some things. I’m grateful to my journal for showing me the truth. I most definitely wrote details down, even copying and pasting full email conversations! So there’s no denying what that truth was – is.

As for my “twin” experience, I think there is still some healing to do, some love to allow and some forgiveness to give (of myself and him). The less I judge myself and others, the easier it gets to accept the lessons of the past and integrate them into the Now. One thing is for certain, the love never dies no matter how many Band-aids and story edits.

The World is Our Backyard

Yesterday I had an unexpected reaction to a video I was watching about the Ganges River in India. The video was about how a man quit his job to start an incense making business using flower waste from temples. 16% of the pollution in the Ganges comes from this flower waste. As the video came to an end, they showed an image of the river and gave stats on the progress of cleaning it up. 

I don’t remember my exact thought but it was something along the lines of: “Their backyard is my backyard. Our backyard is the world.” With this, I saw in my mind an image of the Ganges free of pollution, without cities crowding it’s banks, respected, honored and tended to by humans. I knew this was the future, though one beyond my lifetime, and I began to cry. I sobbed actually. It was a mixture of sadness and relief. Sadness at humanity’s indifference towards nature and relief that there is hope, that humans can and are changing, albeit slowly. 

I knew that the clean water and air of the future cannot be known to us in the present. We have grown so use to polluted that we would be shocked to smell truly clean, fresh air and clean water. We think we know, but we do not. Thankfully, my grandchildren will know. 

There was a guide close and I could hear her reaching out to me to calm me down and reassure me that all would be okay. I had a thought then about how in all this darkness, if we just keep in our minds a vision of what could be, we can and will create it. To be distracted by the present, by the darkness looming all around, is easy. It is harder to focus on what we want to create in the future and even harder to have faith in the potential of the human race for positive change. 

One of the hardest things for me to accept about this world is how humans treat it. Though I can easily pretend I don’t feel the grief at what I am witnessing and, sadly, am a part of, there are moments such as these where I become very aware of just how deeply I feel for this planet and its inhabitants. My heart aches but at the same time it rejoices. There are so, so many emotions swirling inside me that I struggle to not be overwhelmed, and oftentimes cannot help but be overtaken. I feel so small and insignificant in these moments, unable to exact the enormous change that is needed. I would, if I could, snap my fingers and wipe away all the damage that’s been done to this planet. To stand on the banks of that river and see it pure and magnificent again would bring me such joy, even though, for so long, I thought of places like India as “not my problem”. I see myself and humanity shifting slowly towards embracing every part o the planet as our “backyard”, accepting responsibility for all the neglect and abuse, and stepping up to create a better world.

It is clear to me that this moment in Earth’s history is monumental. It isn’t obvious just yet, but what humanity is going through and doing now is what will lead to a great healing and restoration of this planet and all its inhabitants. The hope and relief I felt at Knowing all is not lost was just what I needed. We are the change we need and we will succeed. 

The Best of Us is no Better Than the Worst of Us

Sleep has not been my friend lately. Where I had a good month of great sleep, sometimes 10 hours or more, now I am lucky if I get a solid 6-7 hours. It could be due to the environment. In Costa Rica I slept exceptionally well but then I was rarely around people, had no schedule to keep and purposefully did very little. Since returning home I’ve returned to my previous schedule and am again exercising, though not as frequently and only when I feel like it. My encounters with people are much higher here at home and my time in nature limited. So, at night I often find myself staring into the darkness, sometimes for hours, not really finding good, solid sleep until after midnight.

Last night I fell asleep pretty quickly but then woke at 1:30am and found our car gone from the driveway. Realizing my husband had driven somewhere in the middle of the night, I was concerned and tried to call only to discover his phone ringing downstairs. So, I lay awake until I heard him return because I was worried. When he returned I discovered he had gone to the office (lol). My worries abated but my mind was very awake for some time after.

I lay awake thinking of a recent incident mostly.

Since June our company has been dealing with fraudulent checks written against our checking account. We opted to get a system where we upload the checks numbers and amounts and any check that doesn’t match one of these checks/amounts is flagged and has to be approved before it clears the account. It stops the fraud 100% which makes my job so much easier. Well, just this week, one of the fraudulent checks that came through was written by an ex-employee, someone who had worked for the company 9 years and who I’ve known 14 years. He is 72yrs old and recently had double hip replacement. That he would write a $20k check using our company’s account info, printed on checks ordered with our checking info on them, is a shock. Turns out he is well aware, did it knowingly, pushed by a group of people he met online and has since become friendly with. The group pulled him in with sexual content, specifically a young women who he fell in love with. This caused his wife to divorce him, kick him out and subsequently he left his job to move in with the woman. He recently admitted that he gave this group all his personal information to use as they pleased – old check stubs, bank info, addresses, people he knew, etc. When they ask him to write and sign checks, he just does it.

Unable to comprehend this man’s sudden lack of judgement, my mind was pulled towards my sister’s situation and how I similarly am unable to comprehend her decisions. 

I knew before falling asleep that my dreams would align with my thoughts prior to bed. I don’t recall my dreams but when I awoke there was memory of a summary of a night’s-long discussion.

As I woke I heard this: “The best of us is no better than the worst of us and the worst of us is no worse than the best of us.”

Along with this message, I had flashes of various “memories” and Knew how it all fit together as a message. 

Honestly, I was a bit overwhelmed and also very ashamed of myself and my behavior in this life. What I was being told was that our main purpose in this physical experiment is to show love and compassion towards our fellow man. Jesus came to mind – how he taught that everyone is our brother and our sister. He loved everyone equally and unconditionally. The beggar and the leper were shown the same love and compassion as anyone else. If a stranger came knocking, asking for help, food, shelter, clothing and whatever they needed was provided without question or judgment. 

I saw how I withdrew help to my sister because of my judgement of her actions, my supposition of her situation and my overall lack of compassion for her and her family. Her actions and “lack of sane judgement” have been my justification for not helping, when I could – can. 

Of course, I wondered, “Surely I shouldn’t just give her money and whatever she asks for? She would just take advantage as she has proven she will by her past actions. So, if I am to help her, how?” My guidance said this, “Ask her, ‘How can I help you?’. When she answers, pay attention to your immediate response, the one that comes from your heart, not your mind, and offer her that.” I realized right away that she may actually answer by asking me to listen, to be available as her sister and to not judge her!

Then there was memory of a dream. On the 5th of August I woke up crying from a dream, but it didn’t make sense to me. 

In my dream I was being given a $2500 check from a very old, rich woman. I was very grateful but saw she wrote my name as “Dani”. When I tried to ask her to change it, she had left and her assistant told me, “No problem” and then scratched through the name and wrote in the correct one. The old lady came back and said, “I am going to pay all your expenses, too.” She handed me the check – a large, leather bound globe of Earth. I could feel the topography and details on the surface as I looked down at it. Across the top was a very long name written in black ink. The name was so long, it went around the entire circumference of the northern hemisphere. I saw my name a bit lower down, also written in black ink. Beside it was a signature line marked with an X. For some reason I thought the long name on top was of a lawyer and felt the check was a “joint check”, meaning that only when the lawyer gets paid will I get paid. The amount of the check was in the billions. The amount I would be paid after all expenses were paid was $500.

I asked for help on FB but everyone was saying it must be a warning of a class action lawsuit. I knew that was not correct. This morning I recognized why I was sad from the dream. I will not be “paid” until the entire population of Earth is “paid”. The lawyer represents “judgement” or better yet, the scales of justice. I was being shown that for me to escape this place, so must everyone else here. One does not leave without the rest. We are all One. 

This is not the first time I’ve heard: We are all One. Thus, for one to advance/ascend, so must all the others. We are only as advanced/ascended as the least advanced/ascended in the group. We leave no one behind.

The best of us is no better than the worst of us and the worst of us is no worse than the best of us. 

When telling my husband about what I woke Knowing, an analogy came to mind. Imagine a group of people on a tiny lifeboat out in the vast ocean. There is a destination but the only way the boat will make it to that destination is with every person on that boat alive and intact. The thing is, the boat is horribly overcrowded, there are few resources, and the winds are unfavorable. Somehow, though, everyone on the boat must get along and help one another in order to complete the journey. If even one person dies, jumps overboard or pushes others off, the journey will fail. The boat will not be received on the other side unless the original occupants are all accounted for. 

This is our predicament on Earth. Everyone is out for themselves. People are pushing others off the boat, restricting resources, choosing sides, and just generally being selfish and self-interested. The only truly successful life is one where we show love and compassion for our fellow brothers and sisters despite every inclination to do otherwise. 

In my recent review of my old journals I read through a conversation with my guidance. In it I asked if I could “sit out” the “game”. I was told, “Of course you can. It is your choice.” Similarly, the post from 2013 (Tossing Pebbles) repeats that we all have a choice: “It all comes down to you.” I realized that if I sit out the game, which tends to be what I do, then I am not helping anyone, especially myself.

I know that if I were to die today and do a life review, I would be saddened by my lack of love and compassion towards others. 

All of the above was clear to me as I awoke. Of course, I struggle to know how to make changes so that I can be more like Jesus was. It seems easy but so much of my conditioning says, “Protect what is mine. Us versus Them. Survival of the fittest.” Uh-huh, exactly the problem.

Of course, I jump to extreme examples in my mind but the change doesn’t have to be extreme and sudden change. It is simply approaching each moment, each encounter, with, “How can I help?” It is shifting from viewing others as strangers to others as being my brothers and my sisters. And most importantly, listening to my heart and following it. If I do all these things, life will slowly transform into a more loving and compassionate one, and with it so will I. 

Birthday “Present”

My birthday was so-so. It was just another day, really, which is normal for me. I am 45 and feel 65. I see this place as a giant theatrical production and I seem to be the only one that can see behind the masks everyone is wearing. I remember too much and because of that I feel isolated. The other actors urge me to play my part and I think, “What’s the point?” I play my part, though, because it is all I know, but I long for my true self. I want to be free.

On my birthday I suddenly decided I would get the vaccine. My daughter wanted to get hers and so, in support of her, I got mine, too. Her main reason is she wants to “fit in”, typical of her age group. All her friends are getting it. My reasoning is that I’ve had ample warning of this event from the start of my awakening to the present, and it is up to me to decide what I am going to do with that knowledge. It occurred to me quite succinctly that the only control I have of the future is in my own actions.  With all the info over the years, all the “warnings” from my guidance of what was to come, perhaps it would be wise to at least take the proper precautions? 

After feeling through the idea for a while, I realized it would make no difference. The feeling I received back was completely neutral. So why did I follow through with it? In the end, it just felt right. 

In the November 2019, my daughter and I suffered through the worst “flu” we’d ever had. It was so bad that at the beginning of it I was worried and requested assistance from my guides. I had a really high fever and Ibuprofen and Tylenol did nothing to control it. The only way to describe how I felt was – “like death”. My body didn’t ache, really. I did have a headache but I don’t recall it being why I felt bad. It was a feeling I’d not ever felt, not even in my previous sickest moments of life, not even when in the hospital after a C-section, not even when I had pre-eclampsia. I would get these intense, all-over body chills and my whole body would shake. I was so cold and couldn’t get warm and then it would pass and I would be sweating profusely. Sounds just like a fever, right? And I did have one. I don’t remember the numbers but I do know no amount of medication could completely rid me of it. In my desperation, I asked my guidance for help and they gave it. Out of the blue I received an all-over body energy hug and with it came immediate relief. This would last long enough so that I could sleep. Unfortunately, I would wake with the same symptoms all over again and have to ask for more, and would receive immediate relief again. Had it not been for the repetitive healing relief by my guidance, I may have resorted to a trip to the hospital that night!

The following days I had no fever but continued to experience chills and hot flashes. With it came  seemingly never-ending, dry heaving coughing fits. Eventually my entire abdominal area was sore and I had to hold myself with my arms to relieve the discomfort. For me, the coughing was only relieved by purposefully relaxing as it seemed the more I resisted the coughing, the more I would cough. Thankfully, the chills and hot flashes only lasted a few days and the coughing lasted a little over a week. 

My daughter didn’t fare as well. Her coughing fits lasted much longer and she stayed in bed most of the day while I continued to work. She also had the chills and hot flashes and splitting headache along with fatigue and body aches. She told me several times, “I would rather be dead than go through this.” 

Anyway, part of my reason for getting the vaccine is that if this virus is worse than what I had in November 2019, I sure the hell don’t want to get it. I have had the flu before, but never, NEVER, like that! I do not want to have whatever I had ever again if I can help it. My daughter agrees. She and I were the only ones in our family to get that “flu” so badly and the memory of it is still vivid. It was really, really bad and that is an understatement. That my guidance had to step in to help is evidence of how sick I was. In my entire life I’ve never received healing like that. It seemed miraculous to me.

The day before my birthday, as I was skimming through news articles for my area, I noticed all the news on the migrant issues at the border. The articles have been common place, so this was not the first time I paused, but for some reason this time I got a kind of “OMG” moment because I remembered my guidance warning me of a “massive migration north” due to climate change. The words, “The time is Now” came to mind and I got a sinking feeing in my stomach. 

I felt drawn to read through my old, typed out journals from 2003-2006. I’ve been through them before and written about this journal several times in this blog. There are two, completely full, three-inch binders and the pages are single spaced. That’s a lot of info to sift through! I haven’t read every single page, of course, but it seems every time I go back through it, I find exactly what I am meant to.

In 2003 I write out a list of things to expect in the next 50 years. Among them is climate change and mention of the massive migration north along with major changes to the U.S. political system around the “middle of the 50yr period” (around 2026).

In 2005 I talk about one of my first visions which also mentioned climate change, a mass migration and a “flu-like” virus that wipes out a large portion of the world population. Here is what I wrote in December 2005:

I was driving home from my BF’s house. It was around 4am. Because I was unable to sleep, I had quietly left his bedroom, whispering something to him about me needing to get home. I rushed out of the house in a hurry, eyes blurry, and still wearing my nightclothes.

The roads were empty and I struggled to focus on the road because I was extremely tired. Once I got the the main road, however, I do not remember driving on the road nor do I remember seeing the familiar landmarks on the way home.

What I do remember is still hard for me to handle. I had just begun communicating with Spirit and my spiritual guide was one among the many voices I heard in my head at the time. I no longer considered myself crazy or insane by this time. I had already recognized that what was happening to me was something extremely sane, something bizarre, something life changing.

I had not had any visions like this prior to this time, so when the visions came upon me, they hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember gasping because of the enormity and extreme realness of the images pouring into my head.

The first thing I saw was an image of myself standing in this light gray mist. On one side of me were people of all kinds. These people represented Earth and the many who lived upon it. On the other side was what I perceived as Heaven filled with Spirit, love, light, and so much more than I can describe. I stood in the middle, not on one side, not on the other. In the gray mist I saw myself reaching out to the people of Earth. As I would reach them I would grab people and one by one pull them to the other side, the side full of light and love.

When I saw this vision, I cried and cried out, “NO!” over and over again to my guide. He only said to me, “It will be” and continued to remind me of this as the visions continued.

I pushed it out of my mind as hard as I could, asking for it to stop. It didn’t stop, though.

The next visions came in waves. By this time I had tears streaming down my face and I remember seeing the lights reflecting off the asphalt of the highway I was on. It seemed I was on a kind of auto pilot as I drove. I saw the road moving in front of me as if in slow motion, visions continuing to force my attention elsewhere.

I saw many things. The first was the White House on fire. There were no angry people in protest nor was there any evidence of the cause of the fire. Yet the fire burned and I felt what I would call a “wind” of massive change and upheaval pour through me.

The visions continued. I saw the rivers swelling with water and the oceans rising, splitting the U.S. in half at the Mississippi River. I saw the land falling into the ocean and people moving to escape the sweltering heat. I saw a new, flu-like disease wiping out portions of the populations of the world. I saw war and terror overseas and greed and political corruption here in the U.S. I saw a huge rubble field replace the parking lots of the school I worked at which is located across from a major military instillation.

Like a wave, the visions kept on and I heard voices crying out and calling to me amongst the chaos that was enveloping my mind. By this time I remember pulling up to my house and turning off the car. I was sobbing and begging for it to stop. “Please”, I said, “Please let me only hear one voice.”

And it stopped. All at once it was quiet and the visions were gone. I heard a quiet voice say, “I am here.” It ended then and I hope it never repeats.

In 2013 I have a visit from a guide where I am given more specifics about what to expect around 2020. This reiterates what I had been told before, but, of course, I’d forgotten about it by then. I have shared that post on here before and here it is again. The virus comes up as does a “change in government”. Based upon this discussion it seems many factors will lead to the decrease in population I am told about.

All throughout my journal I am told that the world is going through its own spiritual awakening that mirrors my own just on a much larger scale. I am reminded that I am loved, I am never alone and there is no judgment, only pure acceptance of what IS. 

So the virus comes up frequently as do other changes. The reason for it seems always just so that I am aware but in the visit with my guide he repeats how “It all comes down to you” and the choices I make – we all make. 

The memory of my experience with the awful flu in 2019, my subsequent review of my journal combined with the OMG feeling and “The time is Now” message, it is no wonder that I woke the morning of my birthday with the decision to get the vaccination. I have often gotten warnings of the future and have felt unable to really do anything with the information I receive. Perhaps this time I can? I may not be able to change what happens on a larger scale but at least I can protect myself and my family – or at least try. 

Some of you may wonder what my stance is on this virus. Do I think it is real? Yes. Do I think it is as dangerous as the media, government and CDC say it is? No, but the fear these sources spread is. Do I believe the warnings my guidance has given me over the years – yes, but my experience with such “predictions” has taught me to take it all in stride, to wait and see and not jump to conclusions. Do I think that the vaccinations are “bad” for me, potentially altering my DNA or tracking my movements – no.

My guidance warned me in 2019 with “put your blinders on” and I am following their advice. Blinders keep a horse looking straight ahead at the path in front of them. They keep distractions to a minimum, blocking the horses view to either side and behind them so the horse doesn’t startle or panic. This is what I believe all of us should do right now. The amount of distraction around us right now is ridiculous and so many of them lead to fear, anxiety, panic and even paranoia. Keep your eyes and focus straight ahead. Focus on what you know in your heart to be true and nothing else. Ignore the distractions. That is all they are and their purpose is meant to slow you down, “injure” you so that you are dependent upon another/others or become completely immobilized. 

My decision was not made in fear. I don’t fear the virus. I don’t fear death. In fact, I joked about how maybe getting the vaccine would kill me and end my misery. lol Honestly, I just don’t want to get sick like I did in 2019 so if I can decrease that likelihood, then I will. Maybe my decision won’t change a thing, maybe it will. We will see. 

I got the Pfizer vaccine because that is what my daughter got. I wanted the Johnson-Johnson one because I really don’t want to get jabbed twice, but it is not readily available in my area and so, since my daughter could only get the Pfizer one, I got it along with her. So far, no problems other than a sore arm. 

When we went to the vaccination clinic the huge space was almost completely vacant. There were two others beside us. As we waited our 15 minutes at the end (to make sure we had no allergic reaction) the nurse approached me and wished me a happy birthday. She was super nice and pleasant, her energy very calming. She seemed like an old soul to me. When we left I felt elated for some reason, which confirmed to me that my decision was sound. 

We will be getting the second dose at the end of the month.

If you now want nothing to do with me, then I bid you farewell and all the best on your journey. It could be your road and mine have now diverged. It could be we meet again in this life, or the next one.

I am not a puppet. I don’t follow the crowd. I do what feels right for me and I don’t push my beliefs and opinions on other people. I think if the rest of the world did this it would be a much more peaceful place, don’t you? 

Keep your blinders on. 

Dream Theme: Exploring Sexual Conditioning

Lately, I have been questioning Human Design, specifically the idea that certain aura types generate energy and others don’t. The idea that some auras don’t generate their own energy lends one to believe that those types then are “vampires of energy”, having to rely on generating types to have any energy at all. Otherwise, they are easily exhausted and unable to do much. I don’t believe this to be true.

As a non-energy type Projector, I’ve rarely if ever find myself exhausted like this when alone. Technically, since I don’t generate my own energy, I should be a total sloth or at best someone who is forcing herself to wake up and move around throughout the day. Yet, here I am, with plenty of energy, exercising 5 days a week, working full-time, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc, and I still manage to have energy at the end of the day. Sure, I live with 4 Generating types, but they aren’t home with me 8 hours of each week day. So, how then, do I happen to have so much energy for all the tasks and things I do all day?

What I see in HD FB groups I’m in is young Projectors justifying their lack of energy because of their Type. They say, “I’m too tired” or “I just can’t exercise like I want, I just want to sleep.” Huh? I just don’t have that reality. “I can’t” usually only happens to me when I get sick and that is rare. I am always moving around and I find that I have extra energy – which, BTW, makes sense because I have so many Generating types around me. Exercise helps me process that energy and keeps me balanced.

I remember my Projector friend being tired often when we were young and she still seems to be like this. I never understood it. Why is she always so tired when I’m not if we are the same Type?

The most that happens to me when around too much activity/energy is I get grumpy and need to get away for a while. But, I am also a 2nd line, and this is common. I spend most of my time alone and am very particular about who I spend my time with. Is this why I am not tired? IDK.

When I was a teacher around kids and people all day, I ended up with major insomnia. This was from all the energy I picked up during the day. I just couldn’t release it all there was so much. Once I dropped full-time, that stopped. So, for me, the only downside is that I end up with too much energy and struggle to release it all.

I think, perhaps, people are just misunderstanding the idea of “energy type”. All auras create energy and have sufficient amounts to sustain the organism, otherwise we would be dead. lol My theory is that the Types in HD are referring more to how the aura functions than to how much energy a person has or is capable of generating. So then, yeah, Projectors would accumulate energy and need to release it, but this doesn’t mean they don’t have energy otherwise!

Okay, now to my crazy dreams.

Dreams with one theme last night. I also woke frequently and slept much lighter than I have been.

Dream: Escort Wagon

I’m inside a small house, or maybe a tiny house. When I think of the space, I think of a gypsy wagon or something similar. Yet at times, this small space is very large and resembled the inside of a modern home complete with large, spacious kitchen and floor to ceiling windows. I also know I’m in Montana (mountains, spiritual journey).

There is a discussion behind the dream scenes that I occasionally catch pieces of. There is enough information to recognize that I have been given an opportunity to select from a group of men the man I want to have as my sexual partner. It feels like someone has gifted me with a gigolo, or male escort, but I am undecided on whether to accept the gift or not. 

I recall being in a very nice kitchen (seeking nourishment, wisdom) with white, marble countertops, thinking specifically, “I don’t need a man. I can pleasure myself.” This is my strongest argument against taking advantage of the offered gift. I don’t see why I should bother with a man and all that goes along with one – their tendency to latch onto me and not let go, their expectations, their projections – all to curb my own desire. 

Then I am in the living room. I am aware of men in the space with me. I believe there are three, but I specifically see two. Somehow I know these men are “from Montana” and I take note of this in the dream. They both have full beards (masculinity) that are very bushy to the point that the hair covers so much of their faces as to obscure their facial features almost entirely (trying to hide something). One man is very confident and explaining to the other man the “job” of escort. He struts around me and the other man, shoulders back, chest high, proclaiming his vast expertise and knowledge of how to pleasure a woman. 

The other man remains quiet and his eyes are big. It is clear he is new to the job. He is happy to let the other man win. 

The whole time it feels like I am suppose to select one of the men to be my partner. 

The men in the house all begin to exit out the back door except the two standing in front of me. The over confident man chooses to take the dog outside for a walk. It feels like I direct him to do so but have no specific memory of this. I turn toward the window and locate the light switch (seeking illumination). There are three switches and I switch them on, one by one, to see which one illuminates the back yard. I am able to turn on lights that extend all the way back to the edge of the property. They are like flood lights but they only stay on a moment and then flicker off. I try to get them to come back on, but only get the front lights to illuminate. I say, “There must be something wrong with the electrical.” I see the man walking the dog outside and then turn back towards the other man.

I take the hand of the other man, the quiet one, and pull him towards me. I turn back to face the window as I wrap his arms around me, asking, “Are you nervous?” He is standing behind me, pulling me close, both of us facing the large windows. He says nothing. Instead tilts my head towards his own and gently kisses me. My lucidity must peak because I can feel and taste his mouth on mine (and I don’t feel a beard). He kisses me gently again and I hear him say (telepathically), “Let me try that again”. I feel my lower chakras begin to light up. 

Just as I begin to fall into the ecstasy of the moment, I am rudely pulled out of the dream by a guide asking, “Why did you choose him?” 

Conversation

Awake and a bit grumpy at the guide who intentionally pulled me out of a wonderful dream, I reluctantly answered his question. I said, “Because he is new to this. He is like me.” This answer came with a recognition of my feelings about the other man, the over confidant one. Though he likely would be the better lover because of his experience, his conceit was unattractive and I felt that if I selected him I would put myself at a disadvantage because I didn’t feel to be his equal. He would have total control and I would be completely at his mercy. To voluntarily put myself in such a situation would leave me vulnerable.

Yet, there was a part of me that was highly attracted to the over confident man and desired nothing more than to submit to him fully.

What is funny is that a scene from a nature show I saw long ago came to mind. It was about chimpanzees. The alpha male went around beating up the other males and having sex with all the females in front of the lower males to prove his dominance. Yet, when the alpha male was distracted, the females sought out the lesser males and had sex with them. lol 

I wondered just how much of my dream selection was based upon a similar pattern, engrained in my genetic makeup, that continues to play out. 

A discussion commenced on my rejection of the over confident man. I told my guidance that I didn’t trust that my feelings were my own. I cited my completely open solar plexus specifically. A completely open center means the person has no defined way of taking in information so they end up taking it in based upon those who are defined or have channels/gates to that center. The solar plexus is the emotion center. Since mine is completely open, the emotion I feel is fluid and has no definition at all. I amplify the emotion of others instead. So their feelings feel to be mine, but they aren’t. I can become easily confused by this, thinking I feel one way only to have that feeling completely vanish when I am not in the vicinity of that person. 

I told my guidance that I feel I have no real emotion because of this openness and they said otherwise. They asked me to think of how I feel when alone. I mostly just feel bored, but I do experience a wide range of feelings like anyone else. And if no one is near me, these feelings must originate from me. However, they can become what I think I should feel (Not-Self) based upon conditioning over the years, especially since I have a completely open head center. The completely open head center seeks to find meaning in everything. So I feel something and think, “It must mean ____” rather than just letting the feeling flow naturally without any conditions attached to it. Then I have a completely open heart center that causes me to feel no motivation or desire toward any one thing. So I think, “I feel ____ so it must mean ____ and I should do _____.” This is my mind and not my strategy and authority BTW.

Lots to think about. lol

Now wide awake with a persistent guide that continued to ask me to review the dream, it took me a while to return to sleep. 

Dream: Male Escorts

It seems the dream lesson was meant to continue. This time, though, I found myself at my mom’s house and my old bedroom. I was feeling very sexual and wishing I had a partner but preferred one that came with no strings attached. My consideration was still that I needed to be very careful because the men I’ve been with in this life tend to latch on for dear life. 

Again, I was talking to someone behind the scenes and a male escort was suggested because there would be no strings attached. I found an advertisement in a magazine and called the number. A man answered and I told him what I wanted, though I was somewhat embarrassed when I said it aloud. 

Within moments three men were in my bedroom with me, yet I was still talking to the main one on the phone. I was hesitant yet again, arguing that I could easily pleasure myself. “I don’t need a man”, was what I said/thought. This mirrors my thoughts in real time, too, as my experiences with men has left me preferring to leave them out of the act altogether. 

This is when the three men began to send me images of what they could do for me and began to sway my decision toward inviting them to join me. The overall message was “the more the better” in terms of pleasure. 

I remember being more curious about one of the men over the other two. He was a normal looking man (no beard this time lol) and I didn’t recognize him but then there was something familiar about him. I seemed to know he was there for a reason and memories of other times I’ve had dream encounters came to mind. I met my heart connection in the dreamstate over a year before I met him online. And another connection came in my dreams beforehand, also. Both times there was recognition – Knowing – that the men were not just dream characters but an aspect of a living, breathing person visiting me. And in this dream that same recognition was present. This man exists somewhere in the world and is visiting my dreams. Whether he is conscious of it or not, I can’t say. 

There was still a discussion on-going behind the scenes. It was about my attitudes and beliefs regarding sex; what is “good” and “bad”, etc. There was shame behind the sexual visuals I was receiving. Shame at how they made me feel because I have been conditioned to think of desire as “bad” and “sinful”. I remember thinking it important that protection be used and being reassured protection would be provided.

Eventually, I hung up the phone but not before the man I kept feeling drawn to asked me for my credit card information and address. I was concerned that he would misuse the info, but someone reassured me that he could be trusted, so I gave it. He looked at me in such a way as I began to panic a bit because I saw/felt something in him. It was a feeling I’ve had before from a dream encounter. It was an, “Oh no” feeling. Yet when he left, I had this urge to follow him.

I ended up outside my bedroom standing in the kitchen. I found some people having dinner together. One lady looked at me and asked me something but my attention was on the two young men with her. I saw one go out the front door. The other was at the table. The feeling I got was that I didn’t belong there and these people were suspicious of me. It is a feeling I am use to.

More Discussion

When I woke I was concerned about the man I met in my dream and still had that “uh oh” feeling. My guidance wanted to talk about something else, though. 

The discussion shifted to my environment specifically. They said, “We want to help you with your space.” I received much more telepathically about what they meant. They indicated that I needed to feel safe in my space and reminded me of my Human Design environment – Markets-Internal. Though I have created my own space, I do not feel safe in it. I don’t feel I have much control over who enters or leaves it. On top of this, I rarely if ever invite anyone into my space. A person with Markets-Internal thrives when they have a space of their own and invite others into it, others with similar interests to their own. The space becomes a safe place where ideas and knowledge are exchanged. 

I was immediately reminded of my place in Denton, the place where I first practiced as a Psychic/Medium. I lived there alone with my dog but the living area was arranged to create a space for me to give readings. I had many, many people come into my home and receive readings and healing from me. I also worked part-time from a spiritual shop and had my own little space there where people came to me for readings. 

The thing is, I rarely invite people into my space, not socially anyway. I can’t see how inviting people would work for me anyway. As a Projector, my job is the wait to be invited, not initiate. Additionally, I am part Hermit, so I don’t like people in my space, at least not just any people. I have to know and trust them. 

It is interesting, though, how all the right people and situations just came to me. This was because I was in the correct environment. I know that now. Invitations come more readily when in the correct environment. 

It is obvious that I am not in the correct environment now. 

My guidance told me, “Don’t worry. We will help you.” But I felt somewhat hopeless. A song came to mind, though, which feels like reassurance.

Messages: “Don’t give up” and you’ve “got stamina”. 😉

Walk-in/Walk-Out

The fatigue and heavy eyelids period seems to have passed and I’ve returned to my typical sleep patterns. I miss the great sleep but it was beginning to make me feel like a sloth during the day. Happy to have my energy back! Not sure how long it will last, but it sure is nice to have the cobwebs cleared away and my focus back. I still have mommy-brain (does it ever go away?) but that’s okay.

When the fatigue stopped, clarity took its place. Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I felt good and even exercised without incident. There was a realization that I have been resisting the flow of life because it is not going fast enough and change is not perceived. There are things I would like to see change but it is not the time. My guidance has been trying to help me Remember this is part of my path. They mention I have made a “commitment” and I assumed its meaning rather than recognize the word itself doesn’t give any indication about who or what I committed to.

I was led to return to my Walk-In Life blog and saw my last post was in April, 2020. I thought it no coincidence that it has been exactly a year. The post itself was positive, indicating a preparation and integration period. 

Interestingly enough, last week I was reminded of the walk-in experience and how I have been in a very long integration period. Many of the feelings I have are typical of this period: sadness, overwhelm, feeling unable to change the world, falling into the walk-out’s old patterns (letting her take the reigns because of overwhelm). All are typical, especially becoming lost in old patterns and behaviors.

It can take years and years to integrate after a walk-in event(s). A common amount of time is 7-10 years, though it can be sooner or later depending on the individual. It is easy to end up lost in the old because of friends and family member’s expectations that you remain as you were. The pressure to be the old version is high. For me, it feels like it is all part of “the plan”. This plan stems from the need to complete the karmic lessons of the walk-out. She is/I am a mother to three children. That doesn’t just go away. Yet being aware of all that I am, it is hard to live within both realities simultaneously. So my solution was to shut myself off from my spiritual Team/Home out of an inability to reconcile what I experienced and how I’d changed with the rest of my life and the world as a whole. However, shutting it out completely only led to my current predicament. I have to return to the balanced version, the me who can navigate both worlds and remain centered throughout.

Along the way I have had encounters with others who were called in to assist me. Their goal is to help me Remember so that I do not become completely lost in this dense reality and go off path. I see now how a particular individual was meant to help me with this. The way he entered and left my life, each time shaking me up just enough to remind me of my higher purpose. Each time the small self won out with her fears, considerations and survival inclinations becoming primary to everything else. It is a struggle to shift away from old patterns, habits and beliefs, even when faced with the extraordinary. The saying, “If it’s seems too good to be true, then it probably is”, comes to mind. Yet I have experienced something that is beyond just “good”, so that reasoning is obviously faulted.

Duh. If I had only been paying more attention! But then the process itself is more important than any regrets I might have because it has taken me step-by-step to this moment and thus prepared me for what is coming next. 

Walk-In

In case you are not sure what a walk-in is, here is a quick explanation. In some cases, a walk-in describes the process of a new soul coming into a physical body. The walk-out is the old soul who has decided to leave and rather than waste a perfectly good body, the walk-in takes over. It is prearranged and is NOT possession. This is the least common walk-in scenario and often goes along with a major physically traumatic event such as a NDE. In other situations, a walk-in is simply a higher aspect merging with the lower aspect. Often times the lower aspect has many soul fractures or splinters leaving it unable to complete its soul mission without assistance. Again, trauma is involved but not necessarily an NDE, though it is possible that the individual may have had a NDE.

My experiences align with the second definition and it is my understanding that many walk-in’s in this present time period are this kind of walk-in. It is part of the ascension, which is essentially, by definition, the walk-in process (higher self descends to meet with lower self to create a more whole, centered and aware version). The result is the small self (Ego) is put in the back seat of the car (life path/body vehicle) and the Higher Self drives – which is how it is suppose to be!

There is no one-size-fits-all walk-in experience.

As a result of this Remembering (the walk-in integration process and all it entails), I have been tuning in more frequently and speaking/singing in Light Language again. My energy body immediately responds. I literally feel lit up. The bliss begins in my chest and spreads outward in waves. I’ve stopped retreating or pulling my energy in close and have started to open back up, reaching out to receive, and receive I do! And in doing this I realize that I have chosen to ignore or turn my back on the bliss state because (like I said above), “It must be too good to be true.”

Other walk-in’s, those I’ve met in the past, speak in Light Language frequently – daily. It immediately increases ones vibration. There is no doubt about it. But even without speaking in Light Language I can tune into the bliss just by settling into my heart.

Recently when I was focusing on my heart I felt/saw a pool of water there. It was like my entire heart space was a vast lake. I imagined myself floating on the water and fell into waves of bliss. So I keep falling into the water, diving even, and then just float there. Sometimes it is so beautiful that I start to cry. The bliss is there, all the time, in me! And in you, too, if you look for it.

Re-Calibration and Dream

Woke up this morning realizing that I am probably done with the spiritual work of my past. Meaning, I’m most likely never going to do readings or mediumship or medical intuition or any of those things to the extent that I did before I got married. Other, younger individuals, are taking up those reigns. They are the ones receiving the communication and having the expansive experiences now. It kinda made me sad to think of it but then I know this is part of the cycle.

There is a super moon right now and I had hoped for some experiences in my sleep. Kundalini would’ve been nice. A trip OOB like I use to have, visiting ETs, other worlds and living/breathing space ships would have been good, too. Nope. I just had a dream where I was outside, climbing in a tree telling my husband I am going to quit school and watching cars drive at night without headlights. WTF? lol

I know my guidance advised me not to look too much into my dreams, but here it is anyway:

Dream: Quitting School

I find myself suddenly standing outside the elementary school I attended in 5th grade. I am at the back of a line of young students, about five to ten feet from the group. A teacher is asking them to be quiet and fix the line. She is making threats like, “We will stand here until you can listen, even if it takes all day” and “Everyone get five others to follow directions”. The kids are trying to stand in a straight line but they are struggling. Some want to wander, others are just not understanding what “straight” means, and still aren’t listening because they are talking to their friends or just distracted by the world around them. 

As I watch, I recall being the student and the teacher and going through this routine. I wonder, “Why is it so important that the line be straight and the kids don’t talk?” I think how the new generations will challenge those who attempt to get them to do things that make no actual sense and serve no other purpose than to force them into submission. 

As I am standing in line, I am able to see and experience the scene from all perspectives. I have 360 degree vision. As a result, I turn and face myself, zooming in on my body standing there observing. I realize I am wearing my night shirt and long pants. I return to my own perspective feeling a bit confused and worried that I am not properly dressed. I think I should ask the teacher, “Do you have a school shirt I could wear?” But I don’t ask. Instead, it feels like an outside force pulls me back out to take another look at myself. My visual field is focused as if looking through a telescopic lens. It zooms in on the front of my t-shirt where a large rose is centered over my chest. I am reminded of a similar occurrence the night before where this rose was illuminated. I feel/Know it is a message.

The scene shifts. I am in a void but recall talking to my husband or someone who feels like him. I recognize that I am attending school a second time around and, as is a common theme in my dreams, I protest this because I have already graduated. I think (or maybe it is suggested) perhaps I could learn something new by retaking all my classes? I recognize this is possible because I always find more info on second, third and even forth reviews of subject material. The possibilities are infinite. 

Then I find myself in front of my house. It is early morning and still dark. I hear and then see my husband across the street. He has our dog, Monty, and is crossing the street to get a ball. Our neighbor is a bit down the road and out of sight walking her own dog. The ball is hers. I yell to my husband to be careful of cars and to not draw her dog out into the street.

This is when I realize I am up in a tree. It is a small tree with thin branches standing no more than eight feet high. I am observing the scene from the tree and realize the conversation about school is on-going as the scene unfolds. I tell my husband (or someone who feels to be with me), “I’ve decided to quit school. There is no point in redoing all the coursework when I’ve already graduated. I can just stop attending, so I’m done.” When I say this I feel freed of the conditions I’ve found myself in. I realize it is my choice and no one can force me to go to school. I briefly imagine the scene at the beginning of the dream where the children are in line. I imagine myself saying to the kids, “You don’t have to stand in line. Come with me this way!” and then inviting them to follow me off to explore and be free. 

I climb down the tree as I say this and watch as a car drives down the road toward my husband. It’s headlights are off so it is nearly impossible to see the car. I yell a warning and see another car coming from the opposite direction. Again, it’s headlights are off. I walk toward the edge of our yard. My neighbor is walking to her house with her dog. I say, “Why don’t they have their headlights on? It is still dark.” She says something like, “Yeah, I know!”

My lucidity peaks at this point and I wake up.

Considerations

Upon waking I was feeling very disappointed and depressed. The realizations I wrote at the beginning of this post came to me. It feels like it is all over – like my work is done. I don’t see the point of continuing in this life and body as I cannot see or even feel what path I would take. 

As I was thinking this, I felt a pull toward my guidance and felt all at once to be receiving large quantities of information but there were no words. Whatever I was told, though, caused me to calm down and surrender. I felt relieved, but I don’t know why. Then I heard the word “timing” and “patience”. I responded that I am tired of waiting. It seems like that is all I ever do.

Interpretation

When I’ve dreamed of quitting school in the past, I always thought it meant that I am asking to leave this life and return Home. Since I’ve had this dream so many times in the past, I Googled the symbolism again in case I am missing something. The dream meaning of quitting school is this:

If you dream of leaving school, then this indicates there is going to be an improvement in your living conditions or home life going forward. Our attitude to our work ethic and life in general is formed whilst at school, which, in most cases sets out rules and various moral values which help us move forward in life.

I didn’t actually leave school in my dream, so it is an indicator that I am approaching a crossroads situation. My guidance told me I am being “calibrated”. I’ve been told this in the past. It means I am being prepared for something to come. The suggestion about learning through repeating school is that there is always something new to learn.

The part of the dream where I am watching the children in line feels to me to represent my time “on the roof”. In HD this is the period in which the 6th line observes. What I see is that society is stuck in the old ways. The souls arriving now will not conform to the old “rules” and expectations. I see that change is a requirement. The fact that I imagine “freeing” the children and allowing them to explore and uniquely express themselves is a positive sign. I have recognize what is needed and am willing to assist. As a 6th line, the whole end result is to step into being a Role Model. Perhaps my role has to do with children – or at least the younger generations who are going through their own awakenings at this time? 

The focus on the rose on my chest is interesting. My first thought is this is asking me to listen to my HS (G center), which in HD is my authority.

The rose is a symbol of the entirety, the higher spiritual world order. When you dream about a rose this usually represents love in some fashion but it can also represent fertility, admiration, rebirth and fidelity. The color of the rose also has a special meaning in your dreams. Red roses are most often for love and romance…..pink roses indicate unexpected help.

The rose on my shirt is mostly pink with yellow and orange. A rose in full bloom symbolizes rebirth.

Climbing or being in a tree indicates that I have reached a period in my life where I am experiencing the “height” of my career or success. It does coincide with my family’s affluence at this time so that makes sense to me.

The headlights being off on the cars as I watch from a distance are yet another indicator that I am able to perceive what others cannot or will not. The symbolism of no headlights is that an objective view will be reached but it will come with limitations (can’t see far ahead). In the dream there is just enough light to see the cars and surroundings but the low light prohibits clarity. 

Tired

I’ve been more tired than usual. I sleep deeply and struggle to wake up. Opening my eyes is a chore. It feels like a heavy weight is pulling them closed. Once I get up, though, I am fine until the evening. Then, the heavy feeling returns and I often end up in bed before 10pm because I just can’t keep my eyes open. 

I’ve been taking it easy when it comes to exercise. I am usually very active with at least 2+ hours of physical activity of some kind five days a week. With my recent illness (cold/allergies) and fatigue, I decided to take some time off. Today, however, I felt like exercising so I went for a mile run followed by a bodyweight circuit. Ugh! Well, my body said “Hell no”. lol I still completed everything but not without needing more rest than usual. 

Sometimes listening to my body is a loss for me. I am use to powering through tiredness and lack of motivation and coming out feeling wonderful in the end (endorphins). But lately I just want to take it easy, go for walks or do yoga. It likely goes along with the “calibration” my guides mentioned. There is definitely something going on. I can feel it, especially at night and when I wake in the mornings. So I am going to do my best to listen.

Something that crossed my mind this morning was that I should probably shift back toward eating less meat and more veggies – so vegetarian/pescatarian. When I wonder why this is, it feels like meat contributes to a sluggishness in my energy. It does take longer to digest meat and the energy signature of most meats has never agreed with me. Whether I will do this long-term or not is yet to be decided. I think I will just start with trying to eat less meat and go from there. I think combining this change in diet with less strenuous exercise may be just what I need.

What is Spiritual Calibration?

I finished writing this post and then a thought came to me: What if readers aren’t sure what I mean when I say “calibration”? I thought, “Sure they know. It means I am being prepared to take in more Light.” But the feeling I got back was, “Are you sure?” So, since I’m not sure, I will provide a reference for you since I cannot post any part of it here (copyright reasons) – Spiritual Calibration. Go to paragraph 13 if you want to get straight to the info.

Basically, the channeled information says that spiritual calibration is a preparation of our Earth energy body to accept energy from “higher” sources. Higher in this instance really means of a “higher vibration”, not necessarily indicating direction.

So what exactly is happening to us/our energy bodies/physical bodies during calibration/re-calibration? The specifics are not given to me but I know very well how it feels to experience it. All of the above physical symptoms are usual for me. What I understand is happening is that my energy body is getting an upgrade. A new version of my energy body is being brought online. This version will be better able to receive and process the incoming energy so that I won’t suffer any physical or mental side-effects. The fact that I am experiencing the deep sleep, fatigue and slowing down in itself indicates my system is “offline” right now. It won’t be this way for long, just long enough to complete the calibration process.

About 90% if those who previously received upgrades are getting another one right now. So if you’re feeling like me, just listen to your body, take it easy and enjoy some rest. If you don’t, you could end with worse symptoms. Panic attacks are my “you’re doing too much” sign. <— NOT fun!