I posted a version of this message on Facebook on February 8th:

There’s much going on in my universe these days. A truly amazing unfolding and integration. “I have arrived” – and this is just the tip of the iceberg. So grateful for all of you here on WordPress. Just wanted to express my gratitude for all you have done, the support you have offered, your unwavering belief in me and willingness to listen and accept with open arms the sometimes very unusual and bizarre experiences I have. I am seeing the path ahead in bits and pieces now and it reveals more interesting twists and turns to come. For some of you it may be beyond the bizarre things I have previously revealed. I hope that you will continue to accept me as I AM regardless of how my Being resonates with who you ARE. Ultimately, we are all parts of the other and I believe in YOU and your path regardless of whether it coincides with my own. This path is beautiful and SO rewarding despite the hardships it brings. Trust the process.

I am unable to convey at this time all that is transpiring. The feeling is “not yet” and has been since my last post. Every day I feel the same but I wanted to post something so that you know I am okay.

I pulled a card for myself today and got this card:


This card is from my Light Code Oracle deck and I drew it on a whim. Only after I drew it did I feel energetically released to post this update.

The card’s message is spot on. Earlier this week I went to sleep fractured, the next day I woke up Whole. It was literally that fast. No kundalini that I can recall. No lucid dream. The closest I can recall of a warning of what was to come was the last OBE I posted:

I crawled, water-logged, onto the shore and looked up. There, towering over me, was the magnificent city I had seen floating near my mom’s house. I felt a sense of “arrival” as I stared up at it.

A couple of days later I was changed and kept thinking, “I have arrived. I have arrived.” Since then I have been different. The best way to put it is to say – I’m not myself, I’m a better version of myself.

I’ve since jumped full-on into life. I am in awe and see possibility and potential everywhere. My path is illuminated now when before it was a dark void.

Eventually I will write more but not now and likely not here. You can reference my other blog for updates.





Hints of Something to Come

After a little over 24 hours of feeling like I was finally getting over my cold and intestinal problems, I was hit in the middle of the night with a resurgence of intestinal issues. They continue with less severity this morning as I hack and cough up the last remnants of the cold I had.

On top of it all my acne seems to be returning. Same spots, same weird, tiny bumps that don’t go away. I realized this morning that the acne spots first started after I moved to this house/location and I have been sick much more frequently than any other time in my life. Makes me wonder if there is something here, something in the water or the house itself (physical, emotional, spiritual) that is triggering these physical reactions in me. It is, by the way, a #11 address. hmmmm

Hints of Something to Come

I had some odd occurrences yesterday that I should mention before I go into my dream last night.

First off, two days ago while running errands I once again had one of those near-panic attacks, well more than one. This time, however, I recognized something – well some things. The panic attack episodes started after the heart connection in 2015 and escalated to the point of making me feel almost incapable of going out of the house. When I have them it is as if a switch is flipped and I become overly aware of my surroundings, like waaaay too open and overstimulated. It seems like part of me arrives or awakens in this body unexpectedly. I feel her arrive. Then I hear/feel that part of myself begin to worry and panic similar to waking up in a bad dream and not knowing how she got there. At the same time a calming energy seems to descend and I hear/feel myself being consoled and reminded it will pass. Then the anxiety passes and I return to a normal feeling as that other part seems to leave. It is so weird! But now it happens so frequently that I am use to it and even though the anxiety still comes on it never lasts or sets in fully. I never know when it will happen, just that it will happen when not inside my home.

I wonder, who is it that is panicking? Is it even me like I assume? Or someone else or some other aspect? Is this part of the soul exchange process somehow?

Then, two nights ago as I was watching Netflix (Shannara Chronicles this time) out of the blue I could feel the feelings of my Companion wash over me. I could feel his love and admiration for me and began to giggle out loud as I was embraced by his energy. As energy spread over me, I looked down at my body and felt an overwhelming attraction to myself, as if I were in love with my body, with everything that I AM. There came with this a sense of playfulness and joy. I felt like a child in a sense but also extremely attracted to myself in a sexual and romantic way. The playfulness was the strongest and I ignored my show, closing my eyes and surrendering to the feeling. My whole body was tingling and blissed-out and remained that way for some time.

The overwhelming attraction and love for myself was so unusual for me and I thought to my Companion, “I am feeling what you feel for me.” He said to me, “I am YOU.” In hearing him say this I knew he was right and what I was feeling were my true feelings for myself and all that I AM. I can’t explain it any other way because, as is the norm, words just aren’t enough. I felt for myself a twin flame/heart connection kind of magnetic attraction and did not reject it but fully surrendered and accepted it. There is nothing in this physical world more beautiful and …… I AM.

I managed to fall asleep with few dreams. The dreams I did have are similar to the one below, indicating an internal separation in process. It is hard to explain but I actually built a fence between myself and my “sister” in one dream and in another I was taking care of baby peacocks (birth, new growth), keeping them from being eaten by cats. In another I was with my “crazy” sister. I spent a long time consoling her. She felt everyone was abandoning her, she was all alone, unloved and had no friends. She was highly self-destructive and deteriorating quickly.

Image result for congratulations text pic

When I woke there was no lingering in the in-between. I was wide awake and thinking of my dreams. There was a peculiar feeling I couldn’t identify. Out of the blue and barely noticeable there came a vision in front of my eyes. A very small word outlined in a glowing white box: Congratulations. This caught me off guard because I was not in the in-between. I wondered, “Congratulations for what?” I heard back, “You have surpassed hurdles unseen.” Not able to identify these “hurdles” I went back to thinking of my dreams. Then I heard, “We have something to show you.” I thought, “Okay” and then went back to thinking of my dreams. lol

Another vision came to me then. I saw a pile of stuffed toys, all of which were action heroes – superman, batman, spiderman, etc. It was odd and I wondered about it. Then the Coldplay song came to mind, “I’m not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts…..I want something just like this.” I laughed aloud at this but recognized my subconscious created it. It wasn’t a message from some “guide” but from ME.

Again, though, I heard a message, almost indistinguishable, come through like a conversation I was having. I heard, “Tomorrow” and then after a couple of minutes, “Some of the benefits and securities will be refined.” Considering how odd the message was, I figured it was time to get up and face the day.


Dream: Get Out!

This dream began with me being in a hurry to get somewhere but not really worrying about being late. I kept telling myself, “No need to rush. You’ll get there when you get there” which is how I have been handling lateness in my waking life for sometime now.

I went into the bathroom and prepared to take a shower. What is odd here is that I had with me all my personal toiletries in a bag despite there being an entire set already in the bathroom. Both sets felt like mine but when I saw the set in the bathroom I dismissed it knowing my set was better suited to me. I took my shampoo (new image/self) and toiletries and replaced the other toiletries (old image/self) one by one.

I vaguely remember taking a shower (spiritual renewal and forgiveness) and feeling each distinct stream of water hit my face and body. It was a refreshing, calming feeling – a familiar feeling. In the background I could hear voices speaking to me like distant memories or echoes. They were asking me questions in a disapproving tone and judging me for my actions and decisions. It felt like these people were my physical family – mother and husband specifically. I ignored the voices, though, and focused on the warmth and comfort of the water.

Then I was inside a house selecting clothing (public self) to wear. The entire time my mother (mother aspect) seemed to be shadowing me, asking me questions and judging my actions in a passive-aggressive way. She kept suggesting this or that but never directly saying she disapproved. The main thing I remember her saying is that I would be late if I didn’t hurry. Again, I ignored her, focusing instead on the clothing I would wear. I couldn’t find what I needed, though.

I left the house I was in and headed to an apartment. The apartment was very nice (life improvement), nicer than any apartment I have ever lived in. Two bodyguard-looking men (feeling insecure or unsure about life) met me there. They wore all black and had ear pieces in. One handed me a cell phone and said, “Looks like he’s following through.” I read what was on the screen and said, “Yeah.” The screen had a legal letter and I remember it said “petition” and “claimant” on it and that my husband was accusing me of being “homosexual” (self-love, self-acceptance) as a reason for divorce. There was a feeling of finality here as well as Knowing of what was to come. The sense was of my entire life crashing down on me but I was in total acceptance.

The bodyguards also mentioned to me that I was behind on my assignments. I acknowledged them and then rushed to the closet to look for a shirt. My mother intercepted me though and began to make ultimatums to get my attention. Her main upset was that I was behind on my assignments and would ultimately “fail”. She told me she couldn’t accept my behavior anymore and insisted that it was time for me to “get out”.

I went into a huge walk-in (may indicate soul exchange) closet (unveiling of previously hidden aspects). I looked through the clothes but couldn’t find what I was looking for. There were many long, sleeveless dresses (feminine), some dress shirts and a bunch of trousers. The shirt I had put on was long-sleeved (protection from adversaries) and too hot (heated emotions) but all the clothes in the closet were also too warm for the weather. Eventually I opted for a wrinkled (wisdom, learning from past), indigo (spirituality), short-sleeved (freedom) blouse noting that it was too dressy for the pants I was wearing. I put it on not caring how I appeared and left.

On my way out I heard my mom yell angrily, “Get out and don’t ever come back.” I knew she meant what she said but felt I had to do what I was doing regardless of what she thought. There was a Knowing I didn’t belong there anyway.

Then I received notice from my teacher that I was failing her math class (lessons in logic), the last class before I received my degree. The class end date was in 4 weeks but on the calendar in my mind I saw the month of July which is much further off than 4 weeks. I was told that I would have to score a 103 on the final to pass the class. I knew this was impossible. The most I could possibly score was a 98 and even that was unlikely. I remember sitting at a picnic table (unity and togetherness) in a park (period of readjustment after serious personal conflict) telling a man that it was okay if I didn’t get my degree. I already had a Master’s degree and so another one wouldn’t make much of a difference. The man said to me, “But you are only one class away from finishing. If you stop now you will have to start all over again.” I didn’t care.


I woke up in an alarmed state thinking, “Oh shit.” It seemed like the dream was about going over choices/decisions and the aftermath that would result. I was so self-assured in the dream, easily ignoring all the “voices” of disapproval and judgment. The decisions I made in the dream involved very out of character things for my personality. It felt like a complete disconnect from the important people in my life. The disapproval of my mom was the main “voice” of disapproval I heard though other family members (sisters mostly) were audible as well. If my mom were to issue an ultimatum like that it would devastate me – or would it? Even as I type this I am feel able to accept her doing something like that. Huh?

After waking and while getting my kids off to school, I was wondering, “Okay. It’s tomorrow but nothing happened.” Not long after that I realized a song was going through my mind over and over, “I gotta feeling, that tonight’s gonna be a good night. Tonight’s gonna be a good, good night…..” 🙂 I’ve been feeling like dancing all morning. lol




Intensity Overload, Metallic Energy and $200 for the Blonde Who Breaks Rules

CrAzY energy right now! Whew! I’m actually flying high now compared to before. Feeling almost 100% now and grateful for it.

I didn’t wake up feeling too grand, though. Had some doubt creeping in because of something that happened last night.

Tuesday I was invited to a FB group called “Be Your Own Twin Flame” by a member of the walk-in group I’m a part of. I didn’t know her but agreed because the title seemed like a group I might be interested in. I browsed it and noticed there wasn’t too much interaction. Pretty much all the posts were by the woman who invited me to the group. She later sent me an email encouraging me to post a little about myself. So I thought, “Why not?” I posted a link to my blog and introduced myself and let it be.

Then last night she sent me a message. I am not going to cut and paste it because I do not want to subject you to the energy behind it. To summarize, she told me that she deleted my post from her group because she felt I was still in 3D, full of Ego, and in separation from All. She said she wants her group to have only 5D communication and any communication that is not of 5D and part of the One would be removed. Then she invited me to post again but only from my heart and Oneness.

When I received the email the energy felt really weird, so much so that it felt to blast me with a strange metallic surge that left me with a metallic taste in my mouth. My first inclination was to stop reading it immediately but I kept on and stupidly subjected myself to the energy.

I felt myself react defensively at first. Mostly, I wanted to completely withdraw from the online world and go into hiding again, which is odd. Thankfully there was a softness from within that soothed me and asked me to “stand down”. It did not take me long to realize I had been triggered, but why?

Later, after contemplating the feelings I was having, it occurred to me that the reasoning of the message was all wrong. 5D is not about rejecting 3D altogether. It is not about separation from other humans or humanity. This woman was using 5D as a justification to set herself apart from others. To perpetuate the “Us” versus “Them” syndrome humans so frequently fall victim to. She insinuated that Ego was not allowed. It was to be eliminated altogether and any indication of its existence in a post meant the person was still in 3D and not yet elevated to the 5D level.

But then there was the metallic feeling and taste in the energy that hit me when I first read her message. What was that all about? I remember thinking right after the experience, “If this is what 5D is all about, I want no part of it.” lol

I felt so disturbed I actually blocked her. I have never blocked anyone in my life but I felt so dirtied, so contaminated by her energy that I wanted to ensure she never messaged me again.

I am also concerned for all the others who are following this woman.

When I went to sleep I asked for clarity on the situation. Was I just reacting to her email because she made me feel wrong? Was it all an Ego reaction? Or is there something I am missing?

When I awoke I felt no clearer than when I went to bed. My dreams didn’t seem to point to an answer and again I was doubtful and questioning everything. Maybe I should withdraw from the online social media world? I felt rejected. I hate that feeling and my tendency is to withdraw from the source of the rejection.

My guidance asked me, “Remember to focus on that which makes you feel good, not on what doesn’t.” I remembered and immediately shifted to doing just that. I enjoy connecting with others. I love the spiritual. Writing in my blog is one of the highlights of my day. I enjoy all of it, so why stop just because of one rotten apple?

My day just got better after that.

Random Luck or Message?

Around lunchtime I decided to go for a short run-walk. I am still recovering from my illnesses so a full run is not a good idea. Even a run-walk is challenging lately.

Around a half mile into my run I began to notice my thought patterns. What I was thinking about use to cause me upset in the past but now I have gotten so use to it that I hardly even notice despite these thoughts occurring daily, multiple times a day. Yet I noticed this time. With this noticing I realized I was in full acceptance, no longer rejecting or resisting this new reality. Smiling I looked up and saw something laying on the road:


They were laying in the road just like in this picture. When I saw them I stopped and thought, “That can’t be what I think it is.” When I got closer and I realized it was two $100 bills I picked them up and stashed them in my leggings and continued on my way. I did check to see if anyone was around but there was no one. Not even a parked car around.

I was in shock for about another half mile. A strange surreal feeling fell over me. Was I dreaming? Did it even happen? Reality check time!

Eventually I convinced myself it hadn’t happened and the money had to be fake. Never would I be so lucky. The most money I’ve ever found was $10 that flew into my car on a windy day.

So I stopped and checked my leggings. Yep. Two $100 bills. Security strip and everything. No doubt about it. lol I kept the money in my hand from that moment on, though, because my leggings didn’t have pockets and I didn’t want it falling out through my pant leg. lol I also think I did this so that it stayed real to me. The whole thing really shifted my reality. BIG TIME.

Then I felt guilty. Maybe someone is looking for their lost money? I should turn back and check. So I ran around the block and went back to where I thought I had found the money. Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember exactly where I was when I found it and since there were no new cars parked or people around looking I kept running. What was I going to do? Knock on all the houses asking if they lost money? I found it in the road, so not by a particular house and there weren’t any cars around either.

Not long after opting to just keep the money I noticed something on the ground. I swear it said, “Blondes break rules.” I thought to myself, “That did NOT say what I think it said.” I laughed aloud to myself and turned around to check. This is what it was:


I picked it up and took it with me just because and laughed for another half mile.

I kept run-walking for another mile and then ended off. My heart rate was higher than normal and I was feeling anxious for no reason. Not anxious because I did something wrong, though. Anxious because I felt different somehow.

I knew I needed to eat and settle down. I also could not help but think that the money and the Starbucks trash was more than just a message that I was breaking some unwritten rule by keeping the money. In fact, I knew that wasn’t the message. What was the message then?

As I cooled down I mulled over the events of my run specifically focusing on my thoughts prior to finding the money. I recalled that I had felt an urge to look up and pay attention, but what was I thinking about immediately before that? When I realized I was thinking about everything that transpired from December, 2015 to present – this entire crazy personal spiritual transformation I have been going through – I understood the real message.

The $100 bills were both on the road but separated by about a foot. I kept thinking, “OMG I found $200”, but really I found 2, $100 bills. In numerology you add the digits of a number to get it down to one number. So you can get the number 2 two ways, one of them is by adding 1+1. I could see the $100 bills then as representing the two 1’s of an 11. 11’s have been following me around since 2015 and continue to do so. However, what I feel the message was this time was that the two 1’s here are indicating two separate, whole individuals.

The “Blonde breaks rules” message on the trash was about me but not about keeping the money. The “rules” here represent beliefs and belief systems. I have been and am breaking through them and the end result will be – maybe already is? – Wholeness.

When I realized the message I began to feel stranger than I already was. My anxiety was increasing and I had to get a grip on it before I ended up in a panic attack. Then my right ear began to ring. I’ve been experiencing ear ringing a lot, though.

It took a while for the strange anxiety to subside. Then I went and laid in the warm sun on a blanket spread out on the grass for a while.


There is more to this message, much, much more but I haven’t received it all yet. The energies during and after my run hit me hard, too. It was as if I was stuck by lightening again except this time it wasn’t via the Kundalini like I am so use to.

I know I have recently gone through a major download, so major that it knocked me on my butt for two weeks straight. Illness was the main symptom – my throat and root chakras the main focus, but I have also been experiencing some crazy ear ringing and on and off exhaustion. Then there are the dreams, messages, super empathy, and clarity. All of it points to a download/upgrade, or whatever you want to call it.

There was an incident a couple of days ago where I noticed a deep humming coming from my right. It seemed off in the distance and as I focused on it, it grew louder and louder until it turned into a distinct, high pitched ringing in my right ear. I kept expecting Spirit to audibly speak to me which is unusual because I have never associated ear ringing with Spirit audibly speaking to me. But this was different. I fully expected to hear a message. Huh?

All of this and then the woman at Pet’s Mart stalking me for not watching my son (weird) and then the metallic taste from reading a message on FB, I can’t help but wonder what is going on. Is it me? Is it the world? Both?

My intuition tells me to stay on my toes – to keep looking, keep noticing, because there is more being conveyed to me via this experience than I realize.

P.S. The featured image for this post is a quote that popped up this morning when I was uploading an image from Canva. I noticed it and wrote it down because it felt important.





Recovery Needed

The purging continues. It feels like the moon has been full all month! Waving my white flag over here.

Yesterday I was led to read some older posts in this blog, some from last Fall, some from this month. It occurred to me that this particular purging cycle was pointed out to me in September last year. I mention “Capricorn” both in a lucid dream and toward the end of the post.

…..when I awoke I recalled seeing stars in the sky, as if being shown astrology and the time of the year when Capricorn rules. I also recall saying something in astrological terminology to the man. The term I used was “aspect” but I can’t make sense of what I said. All I recall is that I said some aspect would affect me and it is related to Capricorn.

Then there was the goat reference brought up recently which has been following me around since 2013. I had been looking at my Twitter analytics, checking out my top posts, and was focusing primarily on those posts. I found a recent OBE where I assumed a goat was running toward me but it was two dogs. These reference go all the way back to last summer. Love how my dreams reveal future events, I just wish I was able to recognize all the message at the time they are given. So frustrating! But then, even if I knew, would I be able to do anything about it? No.

So goats, Capricorn, hmmm maybe there is a connection? The experiences in the post I quoted above was intense. I appeared to be planning my own physical death. What is interesting is that yesterday, when I re-read it I had been thinking of all the recent physical issues I’ve been having and thought to myself, “Maybe this is it? Maybe I am dying?” It sure felt like it.

Dream: Blankets

I don’t remember many of my dreams but the last is vivid in my mind. The dream began with me being oriented to a new job. It was in an education setting but I was not a teacher. I seemed to be assisting with various tasks, things I didn’t want to do. The lady I was assisting gave tests to children. They were simple tests where the child looked at card and gave the name of what was on it. The cards had pictures of various vegetables on them, specifically zucchini squash. I saw the results of some of the students’ tests. One in particular had a very low score while another had a very high one.

My job was to prepare the cards. I walked toward an area of the office with a huge Rolodex full of cards inserted in plastic sleeves. Somehow the Rolodex hit a cabinet and the cards scattered all over the floor. I got upset and overwhelmed and so just left the mess for someone else to clean up. I didn’t get in trouble for doing this.

While working at my desk I saw my file along with some others in manila folders. I noticed that it had my previous job title written next to my name. It said, “Secretary”. I knew my current position was not secretary (need to ask for help) and that when I was rehired I had to take a lower position. It wasn’t a punishment just a condition of my employment.

Then I was as if a blank screen came down on the current scene and when it was lifted I was elsewhere. This time I was in a living area with family. It felt safe and comfortable. The lights were off except for the television screen which was about to play a movie. My ex-BIL was there visiting. I sat on the sofa bed but then had to move to avoid the blanket (security, love, protection, warmth) he was about to put on it. I mentioned the blanket and he said he always brought a blanket so that he would be more comfortable wherever he stayed. I remember feeling so much love for him. A beautiful feeling of safety, warmth and love spread over me as if I were snuggled in the blankets he had laid on the sofa. Memories of when he was in my life, married to my sister, and all the good times we had together came flooding into my mind. He was always so pleasant and accommodating. Never once complaining of my presence or making me feel unwanted in their house. He was/is a good man.

There were thoughts then about how I missed him and those times in my life. I began to grieve and tears poured out of my eyes. I remember feeling an abundance of feelings and having two different sets of thoughts. One grieved for the past another was grieving for the loss of my security blanket – the love, friendship, safety and Divine connection of Home.


When I woke up I was still crying. The only reason I stopped crying was because my nose was so stuffed up I couldn’t breathe. There were two distinctly separate feelings of loss. As I consider the feelings, which are still very real to me, my mind is blown. It is so clear to me what I experienced/witnessed that I am not sure if I should be happy and relieved or freaked out.

While laying there considering my dream experience and the grief I felt, my guidance was nearby. I shifted in and out of the in-between as we talked. Much of our conversation is lost to me now which saddens me because I had some really cool messages/realizations during that time. One I only half remember. In it I was placing a stamp on a letter to mail and said aloud, “This is my last stamp”. Then I recognized what the stamp represented and told my guide. I was like a child in class who just understood the lesson and proudly states their understanding to their teacher. I said, “I created that visual and the stamp represents _________! I did it!” My guide said back, “Yes you did. Very well done.” lol

I remember asking my guidance for help. The tears, the intense dreamtime work and my life feeling so very wrong lately is starting to get to me. Everything feels so absolutely wrong!

The number 54 was another vision I received. You can read what it means. I don’t have the energy to write it out right now.

Recovery Needed

The physical symptoms are beginning to take their toll. I weighed 128lbs when the sickness began and this morning weighed 124lbs . I look like a skinny, sickly, bony anorexic! The intestinal issues are better but still there. It is like my body can’t tolerate anything I eat, no matter how healthy or wholesome. I don’t know what to do except stop eating most every food I have been eating. But I have to eat something!

This morning I thought, “There needs to be a place where people like me can go to recover. Like maybe an ascension recovery center or a Kundalini recovery center….. Just a spiritual recovery center.” In my mind I was thinking of what it would be like – a place where someone could go to heal and process for as long as it took. There would be no expectations, no specific schedules, just a quiet, safe place with provided meals, individual rooms and tons of nature and space. Like a retreat but specifically focused on those struggling with what I am…whatever that is. There would be support given, but what kind I am unsure.

I asked my guidance for insight, whatever they could give. My guidance said, “Acceleration” which I understood as, “Your path is accelerating.” I was like, “Huh? WTF! Why!?” The response was that I had agreed to it. Ugh! I would do that, wouldn’t I!

I couldn’t go back to sleep. It was 5am and I was wide awake. This is day…IDK but it’s been going on a while. I hate morning “briefings”. I want to sleep!

As I lay there I began to think about the spiritual recovery center I feel I need right now. Long ago, during my first awakening, I had a business concept, a plan, that never came to fruition. The name of the business was, “Azna Spiritual Salon”. The concept was a place where all spiritual services were accessible, like a beauty salon but catering to spiritual needs. “Azna” means “Balance” but I can’t remember in what language now. I will have to go look through my journals from that time period.

This morning I was thinking, “I could create a spiritual recovery center focused on what I am going through right now. There will be more going through this and they will need a place to go to recover. Somewhere safe and quiet.” But my thoughts went to, “What am I going through exactly? And how the hell can I help others if I can’t help myself? I don’t have any idea what to do to fix myself! Until I do, I can’t help anyone else.”

I received information recently (when I can’t recall) that soon, in the near future, there would be a big wave of people going through what I am. They will need help. It feels like part of my job is to determine what that help looks like. To create a program for recovery. Hahaha It seems so absurd to me because if I knew how to help I would be helping myself right now.

What I do know is that I need to find a place to recover. Whatever is happening to me requires this. So if you know anyone who is willing to take me in for a month or so, someone who lives in the country or near lots of natural beauty, I would love to find a place I can retreat to and get myself sorted out. I know I need to just be for a while, and not just a day or two. I need a long while. So wherever I go, whomever helps me, needs to understand that I won’t be able to help out other than to to pay for my food and lodging. The energy must be high and the people high energy as well – empathic like me and understanding.

I laugh aloud to think any place like this even exists. I am not a rich person, in fact I have little money of my own, so not sure how I will repay someone for their hospitality. I will just leave it to the Universe to sort out I guess.

This song was repeating through my mind again, specifically, “Don’t know what I’m gonna do about this feeling inside. Yes it’s true – loneliness took me for a ride….”







Today has been a rough one so far. WTF is going on?

Firstly, I woke up in a rotten mood with all kinds of “oh poor me” thoughts and wanting to give up on life. I’m saying to myself, “I can’t do this anymore. There’s just too much to do. I’m overwhelmed.” I want to curl up in a ball and die. The other me is going, “Whaaaat!??? We were doing so good! Get out of bed and get over it.” lol

The overwhelm followed me downstairs. My husband hadn’t woken up and my two oldest were up alone preparing for school. So I had to help them and had to literally put shoes on my son because he was outright refusing to get them or even wear them. Then I discovered he lost his brand new coat (on-going coat loss issues…this is like the 3rd coat lost now). The bus comes to our front door but they still nearly missed it and my son left his glasses. I nearly fell to the floor in a heap from the overwhelm. I had thoughts like, “I can barely take care of myself how the hell can I take care of three kids? I can’t remember everything for them every day, all the time. I need help! I can’t do this….” Blah, blah. You get it. I felt like a total failure on the verge of complete mental breakdown.

Things got a bit better after I had my coffee but I got in my mind that humans were a lost cause, only caring about external validation and whether they were liked or not. Everyone always wants something from everyone else. It’s rampant. A disease. I even made up a song I was singing to myself to try and make light of the very “sad” situation here on Earth. In fact the song chorus was, “Humans are so sad…” lol

Then I nearly forgot Monty had a vet appointment so rushed there without issue. The appointment went okay except I had to take my youngest because I had not planned ahead and gotten my husband’s help. Taking a 3-year-old with a puppy to the vet is challenging. He threw a tantrum over not being able to hold the leash in the parking lot. Sigh.

On the way to the car I let Monty sniff around in the parking lot. It was nearly empty with few cars so I just tried to enjoy walking around for a bit. Elek tried to pee when Monty did (boys!) and then he decided to run full-out in circles in the parking lot. I let him because no one was driving about where he was. It was empty and open and without any dangers.

Then I hear a woman yelling out, “Oh my God, she’s not watching her baby!” I paused and looked to see where it was coming from. A black SUV had stopped in front of Pet’s Mart and a woman was looking out the window at me. I thought, “Is she talking to me?” I turned and saw Elek running about happily, saw he was fine and in no danger and then looked at Monty thinking maybe the “baby” was him. But Monty was fine.” The woman yelled at me, “No, not him! You’re baby!” I knew she was talking to me then. The Leo in me was absolutely furious but the mommy in me was thinking, “Get them in the car.” The woman was still parked there staring at me. I could feel her eyes on us, watching. For all I knew she was going to drive up and give me a piece of her mind. I didn’t want a confrontation. I just wanted to get my boys home.

I got them both in the car and noticed the black SUV driving away slowly. I remember I was shaking a bit. Not sure exactly why. Maybe a bit of fear mixed with a bit of anger. Mostly I was shocked that someone would so easily judge me like that. The whole drive home I was thinking, “I should have flipped her off. I should have explained…no that would have been stupid….I should have…” Eventually I calmed down and thought, “No I did exactly the right thing.” But I was furious as her, at women like her, who jump to conclusions and decide they are mother of the year and the only ones who know how to take care of a child. Ultimately, I realize that if she was judging me that harshly then she is judging herself 10x more. I felt sorry for her and even imagined how she must be like with her kids. Helicopter parent popped into my mind, too. Sigh. I’ve been there. Terrified that any minute I would lose sight of my child and they would be hurt or worse. But I have three children now and by number 3 (and 2 boys) you kinda realize things, things that had I tried to explain to the woman she would never have understood.

Sadly, during that incident I got an awful headache that has still not lessened. 😦 Stupid humans. LOL


Elek with Monty at the Vet clinic.

I have since concluded that today is throwing at me things I need to work on. Not in a subtle way either. Yesterday was not much different but today life is doing what my guides and dreams usually do. Motherhood. Expectations. Beliefs. The need for external validation. All of it thrown in my face as soon as I woke up. And the day is only half over.

And then I wonder why the hell I opted to be an empath and feel people’s thoughts. Especially now. It is like people are throwing their thoughts and feelings at me. I am being bombarded constantly when I go out and even in my own home. I just want to find a shelter and hide there away from any other human-people. lol Give me my dog or any animal, but no humans please.

The incident with the woman in the parking lot showed me how much I absorbed others feelings/thoughts and take them on as my own. My immediate thought to her yelling at me was, “Am I a bad mom?” I let her thoughts/feelings override my own Knowing. I am a good mom. Yet in that moment I doubted it. Just for a split second but that is all it takes.

On the drive home I was wondering why people can’t just keep it all to themselves. Not just their words but their energy. Don’t they know others can feel it? And if they can’t withhold it, can’t they at least be aware of it and make adjustments? It’s not that difficult. Not really.

It’s like little Monty. He is very empathic. His reaction to humans is completely dependent upon the human interacting with him. If he senses anger, irritation, upset, anxiety, he responds in kind even if the emotion he senses is not directed at him. I’ve never had a dog as empathic as this little guy. It blows my mind.

So now I am wondering if I somehow became more empathic over this past year? Is this how I am going to be the rest of my time here? It is really starting to freak me out a bit. The way I receive communication from people both online and in person has changed. I can sense between the lines, between their words. I have always been able to do this but now, now I get complete thoughts, as if they are my own, but I recognize they aren’t. Sometimes they feel almost like a suggestion. Other time they a repetitive, like the intention from the person being sent in waves toward me.

For example, when I went to the CPR class, the teacher’s intentions and thoughts were coming to me. At first I was thinking to myself, “Hmmm. I wonder if I would like doing this for a living? It looks like it is something that suits me….” I had thoughts on and off throughout the class. At one point he began asking me personally about my teaching experience and digging a bit. Eventually I began to suspect the thoughts were not mine because of their repetitiveness and the instructors curiosity about me. I began to wonder, “Maybe he wants to know if I want to teach CPR like he does?” I never asked. I was dealing with overwhelm enough as it was.

At the end of the class he casually mentioned his business and asks the class as a whole, “If any of you is interested in doing what I do, contact me. I am trying to start my own business and branch out on my own.” I thought to myself, “It was him! I heard him wondering about me this whole time.” lol

This is just one example. If I am out and about I even sense what people in other cars are thinking/feeling. I can’t escape it. I am doomed.

I know there are worse things but honestly I don’t want it right now. I don’t want to have to protect myself or be constantly analyzing my own thoughts for intruding ones. I know others don’t mean to but it feels like they are pushing their thoughts and feelings at me. It isn’t just the normal empathic sense that I’m use to. It really feels like an all out attack sometimes. I know it’s not. They don’t know, but I am now starting to understand something my guidance mentioned at one point a while back. We humans do not realize how loud our thoughts and emotions are. We are constantly projecting! We are completely open books for anyone with any telepathic ability to manipulate. Ahhhhhh!



Purge Surge Day 3

Riding the wave is taking on a whole new meaning now that I have given the intense emotional purging I experience a name.

Surge – a sudden powerful forward or upward movement, especially by a crowd or by a natural force such as the waves or tide.

Purge – to make free of something unwanted.

I know you know the definitions but sometimes writing them out is needed. It is in this case, at least for me. It just occurred to me that all this time people have been using the phrase “ride the wave” and I just accepted it without really grokking it.

I get it now. Yep.

Last night I had yet another purge surge. Lucky me.

Dream: Kill the Goat!

The dream began with a trip to the beauty/barber shop (looking to change direction, inspecting sexuality). Inside I watched a young boy get his hair cut by a beautician who was rather large and smoked. I only remember her from the neck down which is odd. She was smoking a cigarette the entire time and seemed pretty bored/apathetic toward life. She only took off a little bit of the boy’s blonde hair. While I waited I notice both her and the other beautician did not shave their legs. I even noted it in the dream thinking, “Hmmmm. Guess I am not alone.” lol

Then I saw my brother sitting by a computer in the adjacent shop which was nearly deserted. I asked him what he was doing there and he said his boss asked him to bring in his pet. I saw an old, brown pony (playful aspect) in the isle. When I went over to it, it struggled to get up as if unable because of its old age. I let it be and walked back to my brother but the pony got up and followed me. Turns out it was not old age but enormous testicles (raw power, energy, sexual drive) that hindered its movement. lol

I went outside to leave and walked to the end of a parking area. For some reason it turned into me following a group of young boys who were getting into trouble. They took me to a field where there were two very large men. One man had in his hands a rifle (power, aggression), the other a crossbow (combination of male/female energy). The men had with them a decrepit old goat (lack of judgement, desire, lechery) that could not stand. The whole situation seemed odd to me.

I watched as the men shot at targets. The first man hit his target right in the center blowing a huge hole in the chest area. The other man shot his bow only he missed the target and the arrow flew farther. The kids were chanting, “Kill the goat! Kill the goat! Kill the goat!”

I ran over to the goat to check on it. He was laying on his side but still breathing. He had not been shot. I helped him up onto his feet and he seemed better. The goat was a typical billy goat with go-tee and horns. His coat was white with a few large, black spots.

Dream: Obstacle Course

The dream flowed into another dream where I was with a group heading through an obstacle (hardships in life) course, only it seemed like a path to an unknown destination in the dream. A man led the way and we went through twists and turns, over raised platforms and under bridges. At one point the man warned it might be too difficult to go on. The ground was very muddy (spiritual cleansing needed) with sinkholes (uncertain about relationship). Unconcerned, I walked through the mud without incident. The man raised his eyebrows, impressed but I still felt it was no big deal.

As we came to the end we rested for a while. Most of the group were women but they remain faceless to me except one woman in particular. Everyone was congratulating one another and I noticed this woman was particularly critical of me. She said some nasty things to me like but I can’t recall exactly what she said. They were insults, though, and she looked directly at me with a snarl on her face and satisfaction in her eyes. She meant to hurt my feelings and was delighted to see me react in surprise.

I stopped and faced her, her wicked smile was piercing. I said something to her like, “Thank you.” It was her time to be surprised. She said, “What? You like what I said? You approve of it/me?” I said, “Yes, of course. You are showing me attention when no one else is.” The minute the words came out of my mouth I felt a heaviness in my chest that spread outward. A realization hit me like a ton of bricks – I seek out attention/approval and am so desperate for it that I will accept even the most negative and destructive of attention, when no other attention is available. Then I cling to it desperately even when more positive attention is available.


The minute the realization hit me I broke down in tears, sobbing so heavily that it woke me from my sleep. The tears continued along with an awful feeling. I remember asking myself, my guides, am I so desperate? Do I do this!? I knew the answer….Yes, I do.

I lingered in the in-between for a while, still upset by the dream and feeling like the lowest form of scum.

I was pulled into a visual of a very large blender. Trash of all types was being put into the blender – old, useless furnishing, boxes, and other large items crammed inside. The blender was turned on and the trash mixed up. Then I heard a very loud cracking noise and saw the glass of the blender split in a starburst fashion. The blender stopped and the sound startled me out of my reverie.

I couldn’t return to sleep after that. The sound was extremely loud and real and the image unforgettable. I knew it was a message. You can only shove in so much crap/trash  before it breaks you. Yep. CRACK.


As you can tell, my guidance is laying it on thick right now. They are really working at getting my attention. It worked this morning but not sure it worked like they want. I am confused as to what it is that I need to do. I hear them loud and clear, but WTF DO THEY WANT ME TO DO!?!

In looking at the first dream, the message about the goat stands out above them all. Long ago (2013), I got a message in an OBE – “The goat will bite you.” It never really made much sense. Goats symbolize so much! My final conclusion was to go with the dream symbolism of the goat – desire, lechery and sexuality, but honestly I never figured it out.

Now in this dream the goat is nearly dead and kids are yelling, “Kill the goat!” I save the goat and it seems to revive. The dream message leaves me once again perplexed. If the goat is a bad thing, which I assumed since the OBE with the original message was before some extremely difficult times for me, then why would I want to save it?

So maybe my idea of the goat symbolism is wrong? IDK but I wish the damn goat would go away already. lol

It bothers me that my guidance was so insistent upon me hearing them that they would startle me awake with the sound of a cracking blender. It was so loud and realistic!

What is interesting is that I had gone to sleep feeling like I was being sucked into some kind of deception/mental instability again and that I needed to stop analyzing my dreams and even forget them altogether because it was doing me no good and causing me to have “crazy” ideas.

Music Message

On top of all the cRaZy, I had a song in my mind. Only one part – “I want something just like this…” The music was full-on, too. Listening to it makes me want to just dance… 🙂 If you haven’t guessed I’m a fan of Coldplay. lol Doo doo doo doo doo doo….I want somethin’ just like this….doo doo doo doo do doooooo. hehe

Oh and physically I am doing much better today. Still some slight congestion and a tiny bit of cramping pain this morning but so far no diarrhea and feeling pretty good. 🙂


Illness and the Purge Surge

It’s been a rough couple of days for me. Still fighting illness, so taking it easy for the most part…well as easy as a mother of three can take it anyway. There has been another shift in energy and this one, being I am sick, is kicking my butt.

First off, the night before last was a rough one. It began the minute I tried to go to sleep. My mind was a mess, but only when I closed my eyes. It was like a hurricane in there. Literally. And with this hurricane of thought came the most crazy anxious feeling. It was all-over my body but my chest area was the source. The main thought was, “I don’t want to go (to the CPR class).” However, I knew this was not the reason for the feeling. I pleaded with my guidance for help. I recall hearing them say it was caused by fear but not fear of the class, fear of what it represented – a step forward into the unknown.

I was able to fall asleep by laying on my stomach. For some reason when I have anxiety from my heart chakra, laying on my stomach helps. Unfortunately, I woke up twice sobbing. The dreams were different but it is hard to put my finger on how. They left me with a strange feeling that followed me throughout the day. I did not have time to process them, though, because I had to leave early for my class.

When I was preparing to go to my class I experienced horrible IBS symptoms – cramping that felt like labor pains that would come and go in waves. The diarrhea was back in full force and I worried it would force me to stay home. Thankfully, it subsided the minute I drove out of the driveway.

When I got to the class I had the wide-open feeling that seems to be my new norm. Thankfully, I was able to stave off any anxiety or panic, but I was well aware of the energy of everyone in the room. Most were tired and half awake, which helped.

When at the hospital where the class was held I saw this sign.


If you look closely at the bottom you will see the word Ascension. It kept popping out at me so I took a picture of this sign not only to document it but because the event looks interesting.

By the time class ended I was feeling fairly good but when I got home I had to take a nap. It was like all my energy had been sucked out of me from being out and about most of the day. Plus, I still had a strange, lingering confusion from the night’s dreams.

That evening my husband was in a strange mood. He was very confrontational and moody. I am becoming unaffected by these mood swings, though. As a Gemini, this is not really anything abnormal, but for him it is. I believe an unbalanced Gemini is more prone to the mood swings and unbalanced is a good descriptor of our relationship right now.

I had no trouble falling asleep last night but again woke up twice sobbing. The episodes are similar to the ones I had in 2017. I think I will call it a purge surge. lol I am able to laugh about it now, but in the moment it really sucks.


Rather than go into each dream in detail, I will just summarize a few to give you an idea of what triggers the “purge surge”.

One dream took place in a bathroom. The entire room was covered in tiny lights that went up and down the walls. The lights were going out in certain places, though. I recall taking a shower and when I got out there was a piece of skin stuck to me. Turns out it was scrotum skin and it really grossed me out. lol Then I was resisting something, though I can’t remember what. I refused to leave the bathroom and family kept coming in to try and persuade me to leave. For some reason it felt like the bathroom was in my early childhood home. My SIL came in and said to me that she understood my decision. She was very sympathetic to the point of disgusting me. She said something about how we all have bad times but everyone comes out of them. I explained that I am not like normal people. I am either, “Bad, Badder or Baddest.” This brought me to tears in the dream and it woke me up. I felt completely dark and beyond saving.

In another dream I was in Montana at a drop-off point. I watched people parachute down and land. Then I packed my things and prepared to board a plane to an unknown destination. I was telling the woman I was with that I had visited Kalispell, MT and wished I had taken photographs of the mountains. I could see them in my mind as I told her this. Then I said, “I miss the mountains.” My heart exploded in grief when I said this and I began to plead with her to stay. I said, “I don’t want to go back.” I woke up crying and filled with confusion over the dream.

In yet another bathroom dream I watched women line up to use the bathroom. None of the stalls had doors and everyone in line could see those using the toilet. I became upset at one point because of the situation and confronted a woman who was not waiting her turn like she should. I told her I did not like everyone seeing my business. I touched her on the shoulder as I said this and began to cry. She said to me, as if answering a question, “You are feeling my pain, not your own.” This caused me to wake. I cried long and hard after this one because it felt like the pain of every woman in the world was flowing through me.

There was another incident, but I can’t recall the specifics of it now. It was similar in that I had no idea why I was crying, just that I was overcome with emotion. It can be a scary and confusing experience to feel unable to control the tears and emotion, especially since the emotion seems to have no identifiable source.


This morning the IBS-like symptoms continue. This is day 5 I think and the mornings are the worst. My insides feel like they are going to explode and I can easily see the similarity to the emotional outflows I have been experiencing. After over a year of these kinds of emotional purge surges I think my body has had it.

Lately I have been considering doing some pretty out of character things. I don’t do them because there is still fear accompanying these thoughts. I cannot take action when there is fear. However, there is significantly less fear now and the fear lessens every day.

I believe my current environment is the source of my bodily and emotional issues. If I don’t correct the imbalance these issues will continue.

For now, I will continue to focus on my diet as best I can. I bought a yogurt maker and will be making my first batch of home-made yogurt today. This is a pic of the yogurt maker I bought a couple of days ago:


I am continuing to implement the Full GAPS diet to the best of my ability. Yesterday I wasn’t able to follow it fully because of the CPR class but the only misstep was having a roll, so not too bad. Tonight we will be having Cornish game hens roasted in the crock pot all day. 🙂

Unfortunately, the GAPS diet does not seem to be fixing the morning IBS issues. It could be too soon to tell, though. I will give it another five days and then reanalyze.

I take my NASM certification exam on February 3. Once certified I will have another career option if I so choose to use it. Considering how I seem so wide open right now, I am not sure how I will handle going back to work and being around different people’s energies.

I will leave you with the song that was on my mind when I woke up this morning.