Returning to the Tried and True

A decision has been made. Perhaps this is the “transformation” that has been awaiting me, perhaps not. If it is, then it is definitely not what I expected, but then that is what I expected, if that makes any sense.

The decision is that I am steering away from my present path and shifting back to the path I was following prior to the summer of 2014. With this decision comes many endings. I’m ending posts in this blog and my companion blog – A Walk-In Life. I am diverting my attention from my FB pages associated with these two blogs as well. My Dayna Stone FB will remain active but I plan to associate more with my other FB page which is under my legal name. I am going to revert back to posting in my Blogger blog, Living Life In-Between, since it was the blog associated with my previous path.

If you did not follow my previous blog then you may not understand what my “previous path” was. I will not go into detail here except to say you should read it to find out. It is long, three years of posts, many of which were related to my own inner struggle, questioning and family-related issues. In ascension terms, it was more 3D related and “mundane” issues such as career and family. However, it was also spiritual in it’s own right. In fact, in reading over the posts from that blog, it indicates a much more balanced path than the one I have been on since 2014.

Why would I return to this “path”? The returning post in my Blogger blog explains but basically I am choosing the tried and true path versus the not so tried and true one (also known as the “ascension path”). My “old” path was reliable, workable and the results consistent. There was no “on-again, off-again” certainty/Knowing. It had (has) proven results, and not just for me but for thousands (millions?) of others. I have no doubt whatsoever that returning to this path will provide the healing and understanding I need so desperately now. It will also bring balance back into my life. Physical and Spiritual will come into balance effortlessly, focus will be on what it should be – living this life.

How did I come to this conclusion? No, I didn’t have a profound Knowing or intensely prophetic dreams. Heck, I can’t even remember my dreams right now! No, I just woke up and knew what to do and before I knew it I was telling my husband and writing in my old blog. Honestly, I’m just tired of the roller-coaster ride. I looked at my current life and things are still not what I want them to be after three years of “work”; nothing has changed really. Though it feels like I’ve changed inside by leaps and bounds it isn’t manifesting in my life. If things are not shifting in my life, if things on the outside remain the same, then the real change has yet to occur. It is only when how we feel on the inside matches our lives (inner reality matches our outer reality) that real transformation has occurred. The path I’ve been on has served it’s purpose. I have gone as far as I can.

What will this new old path look like now that I have returned to it? Will I have dreams, OBEs, profound Knowing? Probably, but who knows? I don’t care one way or the other. To me those experiences, though amazing and fun, are a big part of the distraction and booby traps I have run into. The path I am returning to focuses on the individual creating their reality, not looking to spiritual guides, dreams or profound experiences to show them their path. I do think all of the above has it’s place, but I won’t be looking for answers via those avenues anymore. I am going to take my power back.

Honestly, right now, I have come to the conclusion that the “ascension path” is a booby trap in and of itself. Kundalini is a force to be reckoned with and not something one should haphazardly navigate through via human Ego as their only map. BAD IDEA. I look back on these past years and see just how unprepared I was to handle everything I experienced. Had I stayed on the path I was on and not veered off it I have no doubt I would have handled all of it so much better and come out the other end ten times more advanced than I am now. My mistake. A lesson learned – again.

 

 

 

 

Avoidance and Meditation Experience

So yesterday my abdominal cramping was nonexistent and I was back to “normal”. Unfortunately, my daughter had a 101 degree fever and was complaining of a sore throat and dizziness. Her fever is gone this morning but it made for a tough day for her.

Last night I was feeling that “doing” energy but at the same time a “don’t do” energy. It made me think of the future but not act on it. I was browsing the internet for jobs and if I found one I was interested in the feeling from it was “not yet”. I am wanting to take action to help pull me out of this funk but no-action is what is needed. No-action can be the toughest on me but indicates deeper introspection is needed on my part. Sigh. I feel like I am always digging deeper.

Prior to bed I was feeling the familiar emptiness that has haunted me most of my life. The dead but not-dead, walking dead, feeling that comes from an unwillingness to “see” and “hear” what is right in front of me. When I asked for help from my guidance I was asked if I was sure I wanted to continue the work. I said I was, but then my dreams revealed my hesitancy to move forward and the reasons for it.

I woke up this morning crying from my dreams. In them I was being encouraged to open my heart again and fully allow the emotion to flow. But the pain associated with it was too much and I withdrew. In the dream I was with a man and we shared a deep connection but I was resistant to it. As I woke I could feel it still and was not happy, did not want it and was full-on rejecting it.

I ended up crying from the memory of all that transpired from opening my heart so fully. It surprised me that I still feel so much grief and loss. I thought I had put that behind me. I could see that my resistance to the negative emotion was keeping me from experiencing all the positive emotions. This pattern, this coping mechanism, is blocking my progress. But when I contact the pain I immediately retreat. I feel exhausted and unable to process it any further. For now the numb feeling is preferable to the pain, grief and loss. Even in the dream, just touching on the bliss and unconditional love was uncomfortable. I want badly to embrace it but the fear of it all being destroyed, of the utter annihilation of self that results, drives me away. I am tortured by the simultaneous draw to and repulsion from this love. Yet I know the only way to resolve it is to embrace it. I just can’t. Maybe I never will? But I don’t know how I can live in such a state for the remainder of this lifetime. Being numb is no longer acceptable now that I know what it feels like to truly be alive.

My dreams make a whole hell of a lot of sense to me now. Prison. Walls. Protection. Running. I am trying desperately to protect myself from myself. Ha! Peace is found at the center if I can only stay there and stop teeter-tottering from one extreme to the other.

I am being encouraged to heal. No movement, or progress forward can be made until I do. But healing means time alone, time to process, time to feel fully all the emotion that is coming up for release. As long as I have distractions I will be distracted. This is a choice. An avoidance routine (routine being the key word here). And I’m really, really good at avoidance. I don’t know why I am so scared of what I will find. I am certain it is not as bad as it seems.

Meditation Experience

I have been laying in the sun frequently the last few days. I feel a need to be in it despite how hot and humid it has been here in Texas. I stay until I just cannot bear it and then retreat inside. Afterward I feel like I’ve been in a sauna and purged a huge amount of crap from my pores. Probably a good thing. Plus I’m getting a nice tan. 😉

Today, after my sun time, I retreated to my room to meditate. Within minutes of starting the meditation I began to drift in a dreamy state, visualizing myself walking to the edge of a river. I could see the boulders surrounding the crystal clear water and the mountains towering in the background. I sat cross legged at the water’s edge and closed my eyes. Tears began to trickle down my face and a slight melancholy visited me.

Not long after, I could feel a person approaching from behind. They walked up to me and paused, focusing in on me. I kept my eyes closed and did not try to hide my tears. I knew they were standing over me and I felt an energy that was gentle and calming. I looked up, opening my eyes, and could not make out their face because the sun was behind them. I smiled, though, as if I knew who the visitor was.

I heard a voice with a slight accent ask me if I was alright. The voice was audible and brought me out of my dreamy state and back into my mediation. I had not realized I had drifted into the in-between but it did not take long for me to realize one of my guides had taken advantage of the situation. I returned to the dream-scene I had created and smiled back at my guide. Only then did I recognize the place I had taken myself, an area I had visited in Mt. Shasta.

My guide continued to stand over me, only now I could feel him both in the dreamy state as well as behind my physical body in meditation. He asked me something I can’t recall and tears began to pour out of my eyes. He kept asking me questions about how I was feeling and the tears kept flowing. I remember telling him I felt like I had lost everything. He said, “Have you considered that perhaps you have in fact gained everything?” I said, “And I just have not been able to see it?” He nodded. I considered it, finding clarity for the briefest of moments, but then began to cry again because in considering it I again felt the grief and loss. He asked me to sit with the feeling, to stay in my heart. As I did the grief passed and the possibility of what he said was no longer implausible. Perhaps I have been given a gift and have just not been able to see it or appreciate it for what it is because I am still clinging to what I expected it to be?

 

 

Spiritual Restructuring Causes Delays

Hope all my U.S. followers had an excellent July 4th. Unfortunately for me I was suffering through some major lower abdominal cramping all day and through the night. The cramping was similar to IBS cramps and pain, so if you suffer from IBS then you get an idea of how debilitating the pain can be. It comes in waves and while in the midst of the pain one can’t do much except lay down and be still.

The cramping seemed to have nothing to do with anything. I woke up starving and felt fine. After a bowl of oatmeal the cramps started and interrupted my blog writing. They lasted for 3 hours that round, let up and then returned after I ate a small meal of veggie soup. This was the pattern all day – eat something small and insignificant and then have cramping for hours after. I knew it meant I should eat nothing but I get low blood sugar dizzies and yesterday was too busy for me to be in such a state – not only was it a holiday but we had a/c service techs putting in a new unit upstairs. So I opted to eat and suffer through the cramps. I have tons of experience suffering through life anyway. Ha!

By the evening when the fireworks were full-on my cramping eased up and I was able to eat and enjoy the fattening food of the holiday without incident. No, I wasn’t a good girl. I ate like crap and even had two glasses of wine, but the cramping was gone so I figured why not. Well in the middle of the night I was awakened many times by intense cramping. It looks like today I will have to be careful again. Unfortunately we have more a/c techs visiting so I will have to eat something.

Spiritual Restructuring

As for what I was writing yesterday, I opted not to post the entire post. I am still mulling over some things and until I have clarity I will keep quiet. There is something afoot spiritually that I need to process completely before I share my thoughts.

For now, I will say I am going through quite a spiritual ordeal …. the word restructuring comes to mine …. on many levels, most I am not fully conscious of.  What I am aware of is wreaking havoc on my mental state and apparently my physical state as well. I read a blog post from Denise at HighHeartLife recently that validates what I have been going through. Friends on FB also indicated they were experiencing similar symptoms yesterday. I am not receptive to messages from my guides right now, for obvious reason I have already mentioned in other posts, so I feel as if I am going through all this blindfolded.

Mostly I have been suffering through Ego-related upsets and disillusionment. I have been questioning my path, changing my mind about decisions I thought were firm, and struggling with two conflicting realities that exist simultaneously in my universe. It’s like I am going through a mini-identity crisis. As of now, my inclination is to shift back toward a more mundane-focused path and set the spiritual one aside because the spiritual has been inconsistent and unreliable while the mundane has not. Stability is important to me. The spiritual experiences I’ve had, while profound, are sporadic at best, and the Knowing comes on suddenly with great clarity only to vanish as if it was never there. Know, not-Know, Know, not-Know. It is absolutely exasperating, like a fickle romantic interest. Reminds me of the Pisces I dated. lol  I can’t work with that.

Dream: Quitting the Show

I had a strange dream experience the morning of the 4th that I wish to recount.

I was with my group preparing to act out my role in a play (role in life) we were performing. I remember finishing it and then going to the bathroom (renewal). Suddenly the door was blown out (forced acceptance) and off its hinges leaving me exposed. Children (aspects of self) of all ages came in. I said, “Block the doorway, I’m trying to use the bathroom” while sitting on the toilet. They did as they were told but stared at me strangely.

Then I was waiting my turn to go on stage. I remember that I thought the production was over and my role completed. Realizing I was wrong and going back on stage (putting up an act, being false to Self) bothered me. I had forgotten my lines and knew I would have to perform two times, back-to-back. I watched the other performers from backstage and as it got closer to my time I decided to tell the producer I couldn’t do it.

Then I was with a group at a meeting. The producer was talking to the group and about to conclude the meeting when I spoke up saying, “I can’t go do it. I don’t know my lines because I thought we were done.” He said, “We still have two more shows.” I said, “I know but I don’t want to do it.” The producer got irritated and said, “Fine” then said another woman could do it. The woman was pleased. I looked at her and her hair was cut very short like a man’s. She was smiling and excited. I said, “Good. It all worked out for the best then, right?” Then all the others were gone and I was talking to the producer one-on-one. I joked around with him to get him to be less serious and pointing out the positives. He said to me, “Yeah, but I don’t know what we are going to do about Deb.” It felt like Deb was having major issues.

pizza

Feeling happy that I did not have to perform, I began to talk about eating lunch (lacking enlightenment) and said, “When I was younger I use to be able to eat an entire medium pizza (abundance and variety) all by myself. I don’t do that anymore.”

Then I am standing on a path in a desert-like (loss and misfortune) environment walking away from the city (social life/community). A black man dressed in running attire (action/activity) sprinted toward me. He was sprinting at full-speed and his face was painted in camouflage (hiding from Self). In his hand was a hunting knife (lack of control or power). When he saw me he raised the knife up and asked me to get out of his way or follow him. I said I would follow him and he told me to try and keep up. He sprinted off at top speed.

I remember thinking I would not be able to keep up and then finding myself sitting at a table with him. The scene was up in the mountains and quite beautiful. I was completely naked (feeling exposed) and also had dark skin. I looked down and saw very full breasts (nurturing/Goddess). They were so large and full that they touched the top of the marble table. I remember feeling very beautiful.

The man was concerned about finding food and water. Then I was watching the scene as an observer and the woman squeezed her breast and milk (inner nourishment) came out. She suggested they subsist off her breast milk and then leaned down and sucked her own breast. The man said, “I didn’t know you had a baby.” She said, “I didn’t. I just finished my cycle so there is no way I am pregnant.”

The scene shifted and I was back with the group who had been putting on the musical production. I was with a group of women.  My attention was drawn to a table across the room. The black man was sitting with all the men in the group talking about me (as the black woman) and saying inappropriate things about my breasts and what he planned to do with me. The whole table started laughing (feeling insecure). That’s when I realized the groups had separated by gender. Something about that alarmed me.

Experience and Message

Then I felt as if I was pulled suddenly up and out of my dream body. It was as if I was being swept upward toward an unknown source. My energy body felt fluid and without form. The odd, swift sensation surprised me and I jumped into my body feeling disoriented and confused. I suddenly had a full-on memory but I’m not sure when the things I remembered happened. In one I was talking with my friend Sophia. She was asking me to come to Mt. Shasta and urging me to reconsider saying I needed to heal and that she needed my help. I told her I had decided not to go and was very firm about it.

Another memory was of being shown a long list and hearing a man reading from the list. He was listing out my options. He said, “Your next opportunity will be in a year.”

It did not take me long to realize what had been decided. My first thought was, “I opted out.” I actually had awakened in the middle of the night from a prison dream with the same realization, so it was not surprising. There would be no “Independence Day” for me, at least not yet (if ever). I missed the bus.

Dream: Face Painting

I was inside an enclosure. There were several buildings made of a adobe (protection) inside a large, wall (protection) made of the same material. There were also gardens (inner-growth) and paths inside. It felt like a self-sustaining community but at the same time seemed like a prison (restricted movement) in that no one was allowed to leave.

I remember being in charge of several children. One of them had uprooted a small bush (feminine emotions/desires) and left it there. We had to replant (optimism) it.

A woman came to fetch me. She faced me and got out some powder makeup (rebuild self-confidence) in the colors of black and white. She began to put it on her face and I did the same. The end result was as if we had painted our faces white and our eyelids and lips black. The purpose of this was to prepare for a ceremony we would enact together. It felt as if she and I were to have sexual relations. I was pleased about this and somewhat excited.

hyacinth

Dream: Potent Hallucinogen 

I was traveling with my sister toward a large dam (repressed emotion). I remember walking through a flooded (emotion) area. The water was moving in small streams toward the dam and the soil was quite muddy though I never actually saw mud, I just felt myself sinking (slowed movement) as I walked. At the water’s edge I could see a concrete ledge. On the other side was a crystal clear lake. I grabbed a stick fishing pole and cast into the water (confronting repressed emotion). I saw many small fish (insights from subconscious) come up and one took the bait and ran away with it. I was unable to catch the fish.

My sister and I were then inside a house. She had in her purse (identity/sense of self) many different toiletries, makeup and other odds and ends. I remember the purse was large like a duffel bag. I looked inside and found a large, glass tube filled with a clear liquid. I knew it was a drug (escape from life’s problems) because my sister had previously let me taste it but I had not felt any effect. It tasted sweet (self-indulgence) and floral-like. She told me it was a hallucinogen made from a flower. I can’t remember the type of flower (hyacinth maybe) but it was a deep pink color (sex/lust). She had gone around and given people drops of it on their tongue and cautioned us. My sister was then beside me wanting to give me some of the drug to take with me. I found a small container and she put in many droppers worth of the drug. I remember being excited about using it at a later date.

The 8th and the Full-Moon

I’ve been receiving messages about the 8th for a while. I suspect it may have something to do with the potent energies of the full-moon on the 9th. What I have read about this full-moon promises for more inner-conflict for me I think. “This dangerous full moon has the potential to cause serious relationships problems if you let thing get out of control.” I am not looking forward to it.

 

 

Continued Anxiety and More Pushing from My Guides

Yesterday I had another exercise-induced panic attack at the gym. Thankfully, I was dropped off so did not have to worry about driving in such a state. However, I had to wait 15 minutes for my ride which was very difficult.

You may be wondering why I even bothered going to the gym. Well, I had a successful workout the last time so I figured I would be okay. This time I believe it was the confining space of the workout area combined with the intensity of the workout I chose. But I cannot gauge when and what will trigger these attacks and once one is triggered I have to just wait it out.

The positive side to the wait this time was that I was able to sit with the sensations that were causing the fear/panic reaction. The pounding heart was the strongest but there was also a feeling similar to the moments right before going OOB. I was interpreting the latter as dizziness and it created a panic response because I did not want to pass out at the gym. There was also a strong sensation in my chest, like a burning, that caused worry but it was only present when I was in full-on panic mode.

I was able to get comfortable with my pounding heart without a problem and when I did the panic feelings would abate. Sadly, my mind would start to worry about this or that or something would cause me to feel close to going OOB and the panic would come on full-force again. I went through several panic attacks in 15 minutes. It was on again, off again. Only when I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car did I finally calm down.

It was suggested by a FB friend that it could be a Pluto transit and maybe even Uranus causing me to ultra sensitive and open at this time. I told him I would not be surprised if that was the case. However, there is a serious upgrade underway right now and I suspect it is creating the perfect storm of emotional sensitivity in me.

Dream: Puppy Love

I’ve resorted to taking Benadryl at night again for a more restful sleep. It has helped but it doesn’t stop the dreams or guide communication. I am to the point now that I purposefully try and block dream recall. My guides have other ideas, though.

I had a very in-depth, near lucid dream last night where I was again working at a school as a counselor. My assignment this time was to pick up a student from class because his parents were coming to pick him up.

When I arrived at the location it was not a classroom but a large open space where children were all sitting on the floor. Each child was with a mother cat and kittens (transitional phase toward independence) and their job was to watch over them. I remember talking to the kids about their charges and smiling and feeling joy at the tiny kittens stumbling around. They had just opened their eyes and were cautiously exploring their surroundings. I advised the children to watch their kittens carefully because they had a tendency to wander off.

I had to go to the boy’s locker (hidden aspects of Self) to get his things. I was told his locker was #88 (material abundance) and it was located near the pre-school. I found the locker but it resembled a large mailbox (important info about to be received) like you would find at the post office. When I opened it I grabbed his stuff and a plastic bag with what looked like a change of clothes (identity) and lunchbox (preparing for important life event). Then I closed the locker and went to the nurse’s office to pick up the boy.

The nurse (need to take time to heal) handed the boy over to me right away. The boy was about 9 years old and happy to go with me. In fact, it did not take me long to realize the boy was enamored with me. He stayed really close to me and seemed under a spell.

We sat for a moment to wait for his parents. He sat really close to me and rested his head on my shoulder as we talked. I remained very professional the entire time, moving away from him out of fear that a coworker would mistake our closeness for something other than it was. Yet I could feel a strange energy between us. Or was it his energy? I couldn’t tell, but the feeling made me uncomfortable. It made my heart feel very warm and the warmth spread out from the center into my arms, stomach and head.

The thoughts going through my mind was what I recall here, not our conversation. I recognized the energy between us but could not understand why the boy would respond like he was, as if he had romantic inclinations. I was thinking, “Can a boy even have such feelings?” lol  I was also reminding myself that I was an adult and had a certain responsibility as a mentor to children. I could not let my discomfort with the energy hinder that.

Then the boy was handing me a picture. On it was a childish drawing of my face and to the lower left was a large heart. The message he sent was that he was in love with me. I retracted from this, once again wondering if a boy could even feel such things. Then I saw an entire love letter was written alongside the picture. I don’t recall what it said now other than it having tons of misspelled words. I though it sweet but worried the boy would get his heart crushed if I responded incorrectly to the situation.

Then I was meeting the boy’s parents. They were to catch a flight out of the school area and go back home to South Africa (getting down to one’s roots). I remember worrying his parents would be concerned about the attachment this boy had to me but they did not react at all to how he clung to me. I thought for sure they could feel the inappropriate feelings between us, but they obviously couldn’t.

We arrived at the airport but instead of a terminal it was a separate room encased in glass (protection). Inside the room were slides (instability in life or relationship) literally side-by-side. I could see individuals step onto a small, hoverboard-looking thing and then go down the slide really fast. Those that got enough momentum would disappear by the time they reached the bottom, transported instantly to their destination. I knew the boy would be going home to South Africa this way and though it was odd I thought it perfectly normal in the dream, like it was a new mode of transportation that was better than flying.

The boy, who now seemed to be the age of 15, stood with me outside the glass enclosure with his parents. As the time came for him to go he turned and said to me, “We were suppose to meet. I asked for you and you came. It is clear to me that you and I are meant to be a couple.” The energy of his words seemed to flow around my entire body and I could feel his certainty and his love for me. Of course, I was thoroughly confused by the whole thing. I could feel the love from him and the love I felt for him matched it. Yet I rejected the love because of how unacceptable it was. The age gap between us was enormous. He could be my very own child!

Conversation

I was awakened at this point, though by what I can’t recall. As I woke a guide was very close by asking me what I thought about the dream encounter and what I was feeling. My entire chest was warm and expansive and I was a bit confused by the whole dream experience. I don’t remember the conversation word-for-word but the understanding from it was that the dream was to show me what to expect in the future, specifically with the children I would work with. I did not want to consider such connections were awaiting me. How weird would that be? To be a counselor/mentor to students of such a young age and have to deal with not only my own strong feelings of love but also theirs! And to think they would interpret the love feeling as the boy in the dream did and I would have to remain “professional” and retain my mentor role despite it. I do not think I would have an issue with remaining professional but how awkward! Not to mention the internal conflict!

The conversation shifted from there to me resisting ever returning to work as a counselor. Not because of the dream but because it didn’t feel right. I was asked what feels right and my answer shifted the conversation to more uncomfortable issues, issues that I do not want to confront. This guide was super persistent about me doing what I knew I needed to do. He reminded me that my delaying things would not be helpful. He was so damn reasonable, too. Everything he said made sense and was the truth, truth I did not want to accept. I want to do nothing, to keep things as they are despite everything telling me to make changes. So much of the discussion was in why I was stalling. He reminded me that I have the strength, the know-how, the determination, the courage, yet I still do nothing. I understand all of it  – the why, the how, the path ahead – yet I don’t act. He encouraged me to just focus on the next step. Take the next step and then go from there was his advice. I get it, I do, but that step is scary to me despite its being so simple. I can see the other steps. I see too much and the challenges ahead are unwanted. Plus, the feeling that comes with the path is that everything I have worked to build in my life will be destroyed. His response was, “You created it, you can destroy it and then create something new.” I told him I prefer to stay safe, right where I am.

I told him I would rather be pushed than do anything on my own. The feeling from him was that I had already been pushed and done nothing. “How much more pushing do you need?” was his question. The visuals and memories of all the pushing I’ve had came all at once. It was obvious yet I was still trying to talk myself into believing otherwise.

Eventually I said to this guide, “I’ll do it.” This was more of an apathetic statement, not gung-ho at all. He said, “I know.”

Then a song came into my mind. I woke up yesterday with it, too. The specific part was, “If I could reach the stars, I’d give them all to you….” and “If I could turn back time.” I suspect the message is that time cannot be gotten back. The longer I wait, the more time I lose. And the first part is to remind me that I deserve so much more. Sigh. My guides love me. If only I loved me as much as they do.

 

Funk

July 1st here I am. Graduated. Supposedly. I don’t feel graduated. I haven’t had any significant experiences or insight to conclude that anything close to a graduation happened. Perhaps it was only for my “brother” and I am having to take summer school to make up credits? I must have missed the blue bus in that dream the other day and have to wait for the next one. I think I’ve missed every bus that has ever come around. I should probably just hitch a ride or walk to my destination.

Funk

I’ve been in a funk lately or something like it. Spiritually all is quiet. Sleep is super deep and I am still fighting off the cold, or maybe it is now allergies. My sore throat is on and off again and I am still coughing, experiencing runny/dry eyes, congestion and just general malaise. Last night my ears were giving me issues. My left ear was ringing and my right ear was itching really horribly (hate that!). On top of all of the above, my sleep is horrible – constantly interrupted and not restful.

On top of all the weird physical symptoms that I’m having there has been an increase in anxiety related to my gym visits. It’s really putting a kink in my routine. I have been writing about the low blood sugar episodes and panic attacks at the gym for a while. Well, it seems that the anxiety has now extended to anything related to the gym from the trip there, to time at the gym, to the trip home. In fact, just driving through the intersection I go through on the way home from the gym incites anxiety when I’m not even going to the gym! It is so bad that just thinking about going to the gym puts a knot in my stomach. My solution has been to work out at home but yesterday I was determined to go to the gym and fight this stupid anxiety response with immersion therapy. I had my husband drop me off and pick me up to eliminate the drive anxiety. Thankfully, there was no incident at the gym but I was nervous the whole time. It really sucks and I am at a loss as to why it is happening now. I just want to get my gym fix already!

Most mornings I have been waking up feeling disinterest in life and forcing myself to find something to occupy my time so as to not get caught up in the monkey mind. I admit, I have been avoiding meditation and have blocked my guidance from coming through even when in a relaxed state. I just don’t want to know and don’t care to hear what they have to say right now. I feel like what they are going to tell me is something I don’t want to hear – bad news that I just don’t want to confront. They have to resort to messages in my dreams and through music and instant Knowing.

For example, the last two mornings I’ve heard this message, “I cross my heart and I hope to die…” I understood it to mean that what I have been told is true and to not give up hope. This is the song it is from. Again not exactly one of my favorites though I do like Maroon 5:

Last night I had several interesting dreams.

Dream: Four Lives in One

I experienced strange delirious states in this dream. One minute I would be talking to someone and in the midst of that interaction begin to make no sense to that situation because I was fully engaged in another one. I would catch myself and apologize only to end up doing it again. I resembled a crazy person.

All in all I was aware of four different “lives” I was living throughout the dream. Each time I would catch myself in one I would shift back to the preferred one but then get distracted back into another one. This dream was so unsettling it woke me up.

Dream: Evacuation

At one point I was in my mom’s house talking to family. They were going on a tour of the capitol ( personal finances) and would be gone all day. They asked if I wanted to go and I said I wanted to stay home. The entire time I was checking my phone and intending to text my partner. All I wanted to do was meet up with him and I couldn’t wait for my family to leave.

Somehow I ended up going with them when they left. I ended up inside a hotel that resembled a mansion (current relationship is in a rut). Inside I was in the dining room (important decision being made) and watched an old man go and tape off the table his family was to sit at. He also grabbed a huge umbrella (shielding self from emotion), snatching it before an old woman could get it. The feeling was that the mansion was a shelter (looking for security) and space was limited.

Then the place was empty – evacuated (isolating self from emotions). The group that had been there left in a hurry and we were left to deal with a huge group of people (conflict of ideas and interests) who had been locked out of the mansion before the evacuation. They wanted what was inside and were coming over the hill by the hundreds. Looking out at the people coming our way I said, “We should just let them in.”

Dream: The MRS

I heard very loud rock music playing and yelled to my husband to turn it down. I got up and locked my bedroom door. When I did I saw in large letters, “MRS”. I ignored it and went back to bed.

Then my husband was pounding on the locked door. He gained access and I got up and locked it again, using a key code. I changed the code and he would break in. This happened over and over to the point that I eventually gave up.

The scene shifted and we were shopping in a liquor store (lacking enthusiasm in life). I remember seeing an isle of liquor and thinking of the bottles as trees (can’t see forest for the trees). At the checkout I spoke to a man and a woman. The man had set out samples of a honey (be more assertive/communicate) treat and was commenting on how fast people were eating them. I mentioned it was too tempting being it was honey and then casually mentioned my concerns about my health. The woman said they did chest scans (feeling overwhelmed and in danger) but that I was still young enough not to worry about radiation (negativity in life/feeling overwhelmed). I mentioned my age and she reconsidered asking me if I had blood-work (revitalizing life force) recently. I said I had it during my pregnancies. She said I was probably okay because it would have registered on the tests.

Interpretation

This last dream appears to be insight into what it is that I am avoiding in my life. The MRS band message was interesting and the most vivid part of the dream. I had no idea such a band even existed! And they are also from Austin! The band says that they want to help women see themselves as always being “enough”. Considering I have been working through my issues with self-worth, this makes sense.

The locked door and continual break-in’s by my husband is likely a message that I cannot lock out my problems forever. They will continue to “force their way in” until I deal with them.

The final liquor store part seems to be guidance on how to handle my current issues.

Vision

I returned to the funeral of my grandfather. I remembered the whole thing but specifically walking by his open casket and seeing him dead. I then recalled my grandmother’s funeral and seeing her inside an open casket, too. It was an odd vision to have and I was surprised I recalled both funerals so vividly. This vision goes along with similar “death” messages I’ve been getting for some time.

 

Sick Again and More Dreams

I am about at my wits end with the recurrence of illness this year. I’ve never been sick this often in my life and it is really getting annoying!! The cold I had last week is STILL lingering. I woke up again this morning with a headache, completely clogged up and with bloodshot, dry eyes. On top of that I have another yeast infection. WTF! My poor body must really be out of balance. I cannot help but be reminded of the last time I had a yeast infection. That time I had a sore throat, too. At least this time they are not at the same time but unfortunately my entire stomach area is aching from the yeast infection. Ugh!

On top of this recent string of illness my skin is all screwed up – dry and flaky with acne popping up and mild eczema here and there. I look awful. When I catch a glimpse of myself I think, “OMG! I look like shit!” Thankfully, the skin issues are clearing up and I am looking less and less awful with each passing day.

All this illness together with the emotional purging that comes and goes is making 2017 a hellish year. I keep asking my guidance, “Why!?” Their answer is that I am “preparing.” Yeah, well, I’m TIRED of preparing. This sucks! All I want is to feel normal again please! Ha! Like I am “normal” anyway! lol

Oh and my voice isn’t completely back. I can’t sing. 😦 I love singing.

Anyway, after this morning’s big dream and emotional purge I went back to sleep and had more dreams and messages.

Dream: Broken Leg

I was in a hospital with a young, Hispanic man. He was laying down with gauze wrapped around his right calf (lack of balance, need to stand up for self). The nurse came in and scowled at him and I caught on that she and the other staff were purposefully avoiding helping the man because he was different than them. I got super angry and demanded they help him, confronting them on their discrimination and telling them off. I remember speaking Spanish in this dream.

Eventually the nurses tended to the man and I went to a juicer (need more energy) and attempted to make some fresh veggie juice (vitality). One of the nurses came and complemented me on the juice but asked where the carrots (lure) were. I told them there weren’t any in the fridge.

roach

Then I was in a bathroom (burdens) with the man and filling a bathtub (renewal) so he could take a bath. The tub got super full (emotion). When I went to drain some of the water I saw a dead cockroach (uncleanliness) floating in it.  I leaned in to open the drain and another roach was swimming around. I was totally disgusted but let the tub drain and celebrated when both cockroaches went down the drain.

When I went to help the man into the tub, I worried about his cast but when I looked at his leg he still only had gauze on it. I realized that he had not broken his leg after all (in balance).

Dream: Black and White Caterpillars 

This dream started off in a mall (choices/options). The stores were closing (time running out) and as we were leaving my family wanted to look for chairs (contemplate a situation before making a decision) in a store that was going out of business (end of path). They looked around inside for a while and there was discussion about the price of some chairs. The tag said $140 (progressive change and growth) and I told them the discount would make them cost $40. The chairs were suppose to go on the patio. I believe the family I was with were my physical family.

I lingered near a crystal and gem store but never went in. I remember knowing I needed to purchase something for protection.

Then I was riding a motorcycle through a dark parking lot (need to slow down). My son was sitting in front of me and I was holding him close to keep him from falling off. I felt like a bad mother and tried to hide the fact that he was riding with me.

I almost wrecked the motorcycle (desire freedom and adventure/moving fast) so out of fear of hurting my son, I parked it and started walking (slow, steady progress). I came to a narrow stairway (progress). It was the only way out of the parking lot. The stairway was full of green vines (hopes, ambitions, relationship) and there was green moss (patience) on the stone steps. When I began to walk up the stairs they turned into a high ledge (liberation) that I had to climb up. As soon I I tried to climb up thousands of large, black and white caterpillars (working toward goals) covered every inch of it. I stepped back a big grossed out. A woman and her daughter were nearby watching. I told her about the caterpillars. She said, “Oh, they are a delicacy!” I looked back at the mass of writhing caterpillars and thought to myself, “They eat them!?” The woman was gathering them up in her arms to take with her. I remember seeing them up close. They were huge, about a foot long, and covered in tiny, soft hairs.

Messages

When I woke up I lingered in the in-between for some time. While there I remember someone telling me, “You’re special” and feeling surrounded in loving energy. There is memory of a discussion here, but most of it is lost to me now.

I also recall visuals. One was of a string of condoms and one package was torn open. That woke me up with a start and I heard, “Protection”. I was thinking, “Eww! Really!?” lol I am certain this is not a literal message to protect myself during sex. It’s just another protection message and obviously my guides wanted to get me to notice and they know what works. hahaha

Then I was on a phone with a friend of mine. Not only could I hear him on the other end of the line, but I could also see him. He was wearing a t-shirt and either in bed or near it. I was talking a million miles a minute, super excited about something. I apologized for talking so much and he laughed and told me it was okay because he was feeling sluggish anyway and “happy to listen”. I remember him telling me he was still wearing his p.j.’s and that’s when the visual of him was strongest. I can’t remember what I was so excited about, though.

Eventually I woke up because of stomach discomfort. A song was going through my head – Shake it Off by Taylor Swift. This is the second morning I’ve woken up hearing it. It is not a song I like (sorry Taylor Swift fans, I just can’t stand her) so I haven’t mentioned it. Anytime I hear it on the radio I change stations. lol So, of course, it would be a music message. Ha! Anyway, the part I heard is, “Play, play, play, play…..Shake it off” over and over. Maybe if I post the song it will go away now so I can be left in peace. lol

 

 

Health Issues and Feeling “Done”

Still in a funk. Energy-wise I feel tired and unmotivated. Still having some panic/anxiety and heart related issues, also.

Last weekend I went to the gym without incident. On the drive home, upon just seeing the string of cars stopped at a light ahead, I thought, “This is where I always have a panic attack.” Within seconds my heart began to race and the panic attack was on full-force. As soon as I got through the light (which seemed to take eons) I was fine.

Almost every time I get in my car now I have anxiety. Ugh.

So I am being triggered now because of all the past incidents. Sigh. But at least I know these incidents are not all related to low blood sugar.

My heart still does weird things when exercising outside of the gym. The other day I went for a run outside and less than a half mile in my heart began to pound and panic set in. Then, a few days ago, I was exercising at home quite strenuously and my chest actually hurt, though I had no other symptoms. But it concerned me.

It is hard to tell what are real, physical symptoms or panic attack symptoms. Panic attack symptoms are so real every time. Though I am use to them, I always end up thinking I may be dying at some point. It’s hard not to.

Fast forward to last night. Watching t.v. on my laptop in bed and very relaxed I became suddenly aware of my heart seeming to flip flop and flutter in my chest for a good 10-20 seconds. I checked my pulse and it seemed fine. I recognized it because with every one of my pregnancies I had these flutters and “skipped beats” in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters. Always normal for pregnancy but now, well, probably not normal.

Then this morning I experienced a sensation of my heart skipping beats while lying on my right side. This is the most common experience I have and I am use to it. It never lasts very long. But I am reminded of the difficulty breathing I experienced both during and after my most recent OBE. Is that somehow related?

Add this strange arrhythmia to the above panic attacks and gym episodes and it has me quite sure I have inherited my family’s tendency toward heart-related illness (on both sides). My dad’s side of the family carries a history of heart attack, heart valve problems and congenital heart defects. Both my dad and his brother died young (early 50s) from heart related problems. My mom’s side has stroke, high blood pressure and heart failure, mostly in old age. Sadly, my sister had to have open heart surgery when she was younger than I am now to replace a faulty heart valve that was congenital but never discovered until it nearly took her life. She now has to take medication for the rest of her life. My mom suffers from major arrhythmia to the point of losing consciousness and is on medication and has been since her 50s. I witnessed her pass out from it once and was with her through the whole heart-monitor-wearing ordeal that followed.

The heart fluctuations are weekly for me right now but I’ve been having these occurrences for years, though very intermittently and never at such a high rate as now. Nor have I ever had any chest pain before. It is daily now, though nothing sharp or scary. My heart chakra just hurts, like burning in my chest, most of the time.

I have not disregarded the part ascension and Kundalini play in this and suspect the stress put on my physical body from these energies is aggravating underlying issues that may not have been noticeable otherwise. I am super sensitive to energy fluctuations and notice every single change in my physical body from the norm.

So my plan is? Do nothing. Yep. I actually told my husband, “If I pass out or something, don’t call 9-1-1.” Then I said, “It is DNR for me, too. If I happen to get in a car accident or something, I don’t want them to waste their time resuscitating me.” This has always been my position anyway, but I wanted him to remind him so that if something does happen he doesn’t interfere.

I know, quite dramatic, but I have had messages along the way on this spiritual path of mine that refer to my having “limited time” here. Yes, it could be just the soul exchange or maybe it could be really the end of my life (well in both cases I guess it would be). With the Ego death stuff going on as well, it could just be adding to the drama of it all.

Other Considerations

Along with these health related issues I have been feeling, yet again, “done” with life. This feeling was very strong in 2014-2015 and then the Kundalini came along and brought “new life” into me for a short time. Since the Kundalini has gone mostly quiet this year, the last major event in December, 2016, my view on this energy has shifted. The Kundalini and the events that coincided have been the most traumatic experience of this lifetime. I am exhausted. Still. The “loss” has just been too much. I am certain now that I will not be able to overcome it, at least not without major life change and I do not have the energy or desire to travel that road. It seems a daunting path for sure. I feel like a 100 year old facing a mountain without any climbing gear. Insurmountable.

In previous life reviews I never regretted one choice or event, even those that seemed awful at the time. Yet now, when I looked back, I regret choosing the path of the Kundalini. Yes, it can be magnificent but what it left behind was a rubble field of destruction. It exacerbated my lifetime Homesickness making this life that much more difficult to bear. Normal life bores the hell out of me now. I need more and more “excitement” to even want to be here. “Excitement” being those things of a spiritual nature and along the lines of what the Kundalini awoke in me. Those things of an earthly nature that I use to enjoy, just don’t bring me joy anymore. My daily life, though not torturous and really very good for a “normal” life, feels so empty and shallow in comparison to where I’ve been. When I look at my life I think, “This isn’t me. I’m not this person.”

Maybe this is all “normal” for what I’ve been through, and no, I don’t feel suicidal or like I am going to lose my mind and do something crazy. I just feel “done”, like my life and who I am as a person in this lifetime is complete.

Despite everything, I am planning on going to South Padre with my family and extended family this weekend. Maybe some time at the beach will do me some good.