Eat Your Carrot Already!

This will be a quick post. Not even sure why I’m writing it except that I feel I should. This should be interesting….

Eat Your Carrot Already!

Many of us (me included) may have felt at one time or the other as if we were being led along on a wild goose chase, lured by that unattainable carrot held out in front of us at the end of a stick. You know that carrot, right? That one, yeah – the one you were holding out in front of yourself. 😉

Hare Krishna: Performance Review - Carrot tied to Donkey

Don’t you just feel like an ass now? 

Well guess what? We’ve gotten that carrot. Finally. Yep. Now what? It’s time to eat it, of course! And what is in that carrot? Vitamin A? lol Think symbolically. A carrot is symbolic of clarity, specifically eating a carrot indicates clarity has been attained. So you actually have to take a bite to get that clarity. If you stand there looking at it you won’t get clarity. If you touch it, smell it, put it in your pocket for later – no clarity.

Some of us aren’t eating our carrots. Why would we do that? Why would we spend so much time chasing that carrot, figuring out that we held it/had it all along, grab it and then do nothing with it?

So eat your carrot already! If you don’t, it will do what carrots left out for long periods of time do. It will rot and become useless. We don’t want that now, do we? We don’t want all are hard work to rot away into nothing.

Why am I writing about carrots anyway? Well I dreamed I was eating one and it was so very sweet. In fact, all I recall of the dream is holding this perfect, orange carrot in my hand, taking bite after bite and relishing the taste. I think it was the best carrot I’ve ever eaten. Really.

The message, of course, was that I had received clarity. The type of clarity came later.

Relationships

I sorta knew that the clarity was related to relationships. I’ve had some major “ah-ha” moments regarding relationships lately. Specifically, I have recognized that I do not belong in a traditional, human, monogamous relationship. This realization hit me after experiencing a new type of relationship, one that even now I am sorting through because it is so outside of what I am use to. I would love to describe it in detail, but I know that many are still not ready to hear what I have to say. There is still too much debris hanging around the human energy field in regards to relationships. I mean a TON of it, not all of it related to sex either.

So I will give you the short, manageable description. This new relationship is not limited to loving just one (put sex out of your mind – this isn’t physical). The whole idea of loving just one person at a time is ludicrous. I mean, you love your mom and dad, your siblings, your children, etc, right? Insert sexual relations and the idea of loving everyone gets really distorted. The thing is, sex isn’t love, so we get all confused because we think that one equates to the other. We are so confused that we actually shut down those feelings we feel when we love someone because they are too similar to feelings we have when we feel sexually attracted to another.

For example, I recall having feelings early on when I was a child about my grandmother. She would often take her fingernails and lightly scratch my back. It felt so good and I wanted her to keep doing it but a part of me felt “bad” because it made me feel so good (again not sexual). I had already, at a very young age, attributed “feeling good physically” to sexual arousal which equated to feeling I was “bad” because I felt it for another woman, and a family member at that. So the solution, inevitably was to stop any feeling that came close to what might be arousal, thus keep a distance from my grandmother and anyone in my family (or otherwise) who might make me feel that way. The only person who I believed I was allowed to let me feel good was my husband, and I had no husband.

I’m not saying you all did that, but there is a good chance you experienced something similar.

So this new type of relationship allows you to feel again, with anyone. It is purely energetic but to get to that energy you have to let go of the beliefs that restrict feeling, physical or otherwise. You have to get past your physical self and all that conditioning. Which is why I have to stop the explanation at this point because my guidance is warning me that many, many are just not there yet.

It reminds me of a conversation I once had with my guide about “sex” on the other side. At the time I had no idea what my guide meant but I remember commenting that it seemed to me like he was saying everyone in Spirit was having spiritual orgies with one another. Openly and freely. I laughed so hard I almost cried. But I didn’t understand. I do now. It isn’t sex of course. Not even close. It is Divine Love. It is the merging of one soul with another. And yeah, we do it all the time in Spirit. It is our natural state.

This new type of relationship involves merging our natural spiritual state with our physical human one.

So traditional human relationships go right out the door.

So what to do about this “ah-ha” moment now that I know what relationships I am looking for? I’m not quite sure. I mean I am married and technically IN a traditional, human relationship. Ha! Jokes on me, I guess.

In considering all this and trying to push it all out of my mind – I’ll just be normal. This is all just crazy. What am I thinking? – I stumbled upon this blog post by Lisa Transcendence Brown. She says this month is all about evolving relationships.

These parts stood out to me the most:

Our NEW EARTH RELATIONSHIPS are built, they are constructed and formed over “time”. There’s not one ounce of lack, need or compromise involved. There’s zero dependency and because all agendas are visible, there’s no hidden anything anymore… Our NEW Earth Relationships go through a lot for years, as we come in and out of each other’s lives for awhile, clearing karmic residue, until we’ve cleared the entire timeline and all of the energy we held within. Then we move to “short exchanges”, where there’s a vibrational purpose, yet the relationship can’t fully form, because everyone is in different places, vibrationally…. The only “long term” exchanges we have are with others who are fully aligned within themselves and fully invested in creating and together…. and living by Our NEW Earth Value System… which is nothing like Old Earth’s was.

And then:

Get ready. For our highest Star Families to Unite, our Highest Soul Families to Unite… all as Light BEings here… all those egoic, lack based realities must dissolve or be re-aligned if they are to continue into the next timelines….. otherwise the entire timeline will go. As higher selves, we close those old timelines out ourselves, mark those Soul Agreements paid in full and write all new realities, activate all new realities and call forth our own highest aligned realities to experience here. September is a massive Passageway… to bring more together who are truly ready and stepping up…. who are truly ready to invest in creating new together and share together as love too. This can’t occur as long as everyone’s still holding onto the old…. observe your own relationships/yourself…. this will show you everything you need to know here.

The word “ready” in in bold because as I was copying and pasting it I remembered saying to myself and my guidance on more than one occasion, “I am ready.” Though I was not sure what I meant at the time, I still feel it to be true, and there is more of an understanding of just what it means.

Are you ready?

And OMG, that carrot really tasted good.

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A Little Retrograde is Good for Us

Today is my first day of working from home. Yep! So exciting that what I had been asking for is materializing! All I had to do was trust and have patience and here I am, living it! My youngest is not too keen on the idea of being home all day with me, though, not now that he has been staying at my SIL’s house during the day. He really loves going there. Kinda makes me a bit sad, but then I understand. There’s nothing more fun than spending a whole day with your three favorite cousins.

I am enjoying waking up slowly, taking my time to drink my coffee and not having to rush to get ready. Mornings are meant to go slow, in my opinion. Now one rushes the sun, so no one should have to wake up all at once.

Some Updates

Remember when I told you all that I was going to have lunch with my best friend from high school? Well, I did. Yesterday. It was fantastic to see her again. It felt like no time at all had passed, though I haven’t seen her in at least 4 years, maybe more.

She’s a Leo like me and we were like two peas in a pod all through high school. I have known her since 5th grade. Her family was like my second family. Though she was more the typical Leo, meaning she had her group of friends where she was the center of attention. I was the less typical Leo. I prefer one or two close friends. I’m introverted. She brought out the best in me. We just clicked and we helped each other through some rough times.

We ended up sitting in Jason’s Deli for over two hours talking and catching up. By the end I was telling her things I have not told anyone, except maybe in this blog, but even things I don’t talk about in this blog. I found myself near tears for the relief of telling it all. To be able to share without judgment, safe and loved, is the most wonderful thing. And she was always good at that, at listening, at sympathizing, at sharing.

We agreed we should meet up again. We are practically neighbors as it is. She has two boys, one the same age as my middle son. Her oldest has the same condition as my oldest – dysgraphia. Her struggle with her son was very real to me, but hers was much more difficult because she didn’t get the help for her son that she should have early on (not her fault). We laughed at how fitting it was that we would have children who struggled with spelling and school. We were both very smart in school. It came easily to us.

Then there is the re-finance my husband and I have been working on. It was set to close last Thursday. Mercury was still retrograde. And guess what? Yeah, there was a kink. Somehow the amount of cash out we were suppose to get shrunk by $5k. No kidding. WTF right? Then we couldn’t get anyone on the phone to help sort it out. Though $5K is not a lot, we chose a specific amount of money so we could pay down debt. Without that $5K then things are trickier. So we ended up signing with reassurance from the notary that we had three days to decide, to opt out if it was not resolved. I am hoping we can resolve it today, but if we can’t I am not against opting out and throwing the whole damn thing out and starting over. It was dumb to do it during Mercury retrograde anyway, right? lol

In the meanwhile I have Kundalini bliss overload. Still. Not complaining. There is some beautiful dancing going on in my world. The dance of the masculine and feminine; hieros gamos; the sacred marriage. With it there is this gentle, healing energy. I feel it repairing me, stitching up old wounds, making me “all better”. I feel myself opening deeper and deeper to the masculine, accepting and eager for the aliveness the comes with embracing my Whole self.

At the same time I notice the retrograde effect is very prominent. Retrograde – going back, reliving the past, picking up lessons left unfinished. At first I thought it was from a specific time period, but I am understanding this is not the case. The lessons can be from any time, this life or another. With it is a need to confront that which I do not want to see. To open up to my deepest inner desires; that which fuels my creativity and sparks my potential to manifest. When we hold back, when we do not allow ourselves to BE we wound ourselves. Ultimately, we are the most wounded by ourselves, not by others. This is what I find at my core. No blame. No pointing fingers or placing responsibility on another. It is all me. I did it all. And similarly, I can undo it. But it is scary because I have convinced myself that restriction of myself is keeping me – and others I love – safe. Safe is a curious words, a human word. In reality, as Spirit, nothing can harm us. We are infinite. The need for safety comes with mortality. Period.

So, I guess the question is: Can I step out from behind this wall of safety I have built around myself? Can I strip away that illusion so that I can see who I really am behind it all? I am waiting for myself to do this. I’ve been waiting my whole life for it.

 

Managing the Shifts

If you haven’t noticed, there is a lot going on right now energetically and it is trickling down into the physical in numerous ways. My personal experience with this shifting energy initially threw me into a mini-tail-spin but I am back on course now with a little nudging from my guidance. You can read about it here – Reminder: Mission Comes First.

The summer solstice is just around the corner. Personally, I don’t find the solstice to be a big deal and often forget about it altogether. It is the same for the equinoxes for me. Just another day in the year. However, there are some major astrological events shaking things up right now that have been coming to my attention (syncs) quite appropriately. You can read my friend Linda’s recent post to get an idea of some of the astrological events. This is also a great astrological post to reference if you’re interested –  “At present, the Sun is at 27 Gemini, making its annual opposition to the Galactic Center (27 Sagittarius). This year, Ixion (The Tyrant) conjuncts the Galactic Center, making this energy more challenging to navigate.”

A major change I noticed in myself were that I tend to not handle life’s BS as well as usual. One irritation is manageable but add anymore to that and it tends to push me over the edge. With the kids on summer break I have very little time to myself and am having to adjust to all the motion – and commotion – of three little Beings around me all.the.time. Plus, my husband was gone a full week for business the start of summer break and then again the next week for a couple of days. He also fills up his free time with projects, so it finally got to be too much for me this past weekend and I blew up in frustration over having absolutely no time to myself and feeling taken advantage of (again). With my Sagittarius moon most of the blow-up comes out of my mouth in extreme bluntness that tends to cut like a knife. After these blunt blow-ups I feel tons better and have no regrets because it needed to be said and heard.

Thankfully the intensity backed off a bit and by the end of the day yesterday I had a nice long talk with my husband that kept me up until near midnight (a rarity). It is not often that I go to bed after a talk with my husband thinking, “That was a nice”.

Despite all the energetic chaos of the past week/week-end today is calm and I even got a bit teary this morning after a chat with a fellow yogi on FB. The emotion was unexpected and connected to my current purpose/goal to get my body/mind/spirit in balance, the body being the most bent out of shape (literally). In the conversation it became clear to me that the entire left side of my body is lower (yep) than my right. Not only is it lower but it is tighter and more dysfunctional overall. Considering the left side of the body coincides with the feminine and the right to the masculine, it says a lot about me. Have I have been suppressing – holding back, beating down, tensing up in defense – the feminine and letting the masculine dominate? Probably.

Interestingly (another sync), the FB conversation came after I was once again second-guessing my intention to register for the Clubbell Yoga seminar in September. Last night during meditation and again upon waking I thought, “I keep avoiding registering for the seminar. I need to just do it.” Both times I opted to put it off until later. lol I keep back-pedaling because 1. the location puts me close to past events and people, 2. I don’t know if I can confront the energy of that particular location, 3. I am still feeling unprepared for the seminar and questioning my ability, 4. It’s scares the crap out of me all around. I keep telling myself, ” I can always do the seminar next year.” True but then should I?

I continue to be amazed at how yoga is expanding my awareness – awareness of my body but also of the connection between mind/body/spirit. Not only that but my body is responding, albeit slowly, as I re-train the muscle and joints out of dysfunctional patterns of movement into functional ones. There are moments, though, when I get frustrated because certain areas just don’t know how to relax and release never comes. I can’t even remember what it feels like to be relaxed in those areas either – that’s how long they have been tense!

But back on topic – the energy, its effects and how to manage them. There is a tendency for the Ego to rear it’s ugly head right now. For those who have gone through one or more Ego deaths this is a time to observe and manage the Ego. Keep it in check and if it gets out, pull it back in. Ask your guidance to help. All kinds of triggers will be available so just breathe through them to the best of your ability. Remember YOU (HS) are in charge.

Take time to yourself. As much as you need. Rest. Exhaustion is inevitable. I know I have been feeling it. I go from night’s of intense dreamwork to nights of exhaustion, sleeping so deeply that in the morning my dreams quickly fade from my memory.

Tune into your guidance as often as you can. They are there even though it may seem they have “abandoned” you (the Ego likes to play the victim). Ground. Be outside in nature or connect to the Earth in some way.

Breathe. When an event or a person triggers you, breathe before you react. A few breaths gives you a chance to calm yourself and let the thoughts go before they explode out of your mouth (my problem lol). If you still feel triggered then take a walk. Give yourself some space from the situation if you can. I know circumstances don’t always allow this so if you make a mistake be kind to yourself. Don’t judge yourself for being human. It happens. Ha!

Whenever possible tune into your body and your energy. How does it feel? Take note of it. Write it down even. Do this often. You will see changes and patterns. For example, when I am upset my shoulders tense, I hold my breath, I want to escape (thus the energy of my body does, too). Just learning to be aware of your body and your energy will lead to healing. Give it time. Give yourself time.

Finally, pay attention to the syncs/messages in life. Like the ones I mentioned above. Feelings and thoughts lead to interactions with others or coincidental happenings, little reminders to keep us on our path. The mind is full of booby traps. The heart isn’t.

You CAN do this!

Namaste,

Dayna

 

I Can Feel It Coming Back Again

I’ve been sensing a new energy for a few days now. It comes with a sense that something important is about to happen. This feeling manifests in odd ways. For example, yesterday I kept thinking I had forgotten to do something important but never recalled what that was. The feeling followed me for several hours. Similarly, I kept checking my phone thinking I needed to because it felt like there was an important message but there never was one.

Yesterday morning I had several dreams in a row that woke me in tears. It felt like the beginning of another surge purge but has not since returned. The dreams had something in common – they were all about my family. And, as usual, the tears really didn’t make much sense.

For a couple of weeks I’ve had a repeating dream symbol…..well two actually. The first is fishing. The second is that I catch a “fish” that is a white and glowing. The first time it happened I caught a glowing octopus. In the most recent dream I caught a puffy, toy-like, glowing, white fish and my sister caught a glowing, puffy, white dragon that was three times the size of us. The fish and dragon both resembled blown up balloons, not real-life creatures.

The recent dream reminded me of an OBE I had a while back where I caught a scary looking shark-fish with razor sharp teeth and kept wanting to throw him back. That OBE was around a difficult time in my life where I had opened a Pandora’s box and was attempting to correct the situation.

My guess is that I am handling repressed emotions. That is what fishing symbolizes – confrontation of repressed emotions. You “cast” out into the murky depths of your subconscious and bring forth a “fish” (repressed emotion) and then confront it. What the fish looks like indicates the type of emotion and issue. The gelatinous forms my fish take indicate the emotions/issues involve inability to assert myself, low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. The dragon-fish is especially interesting since dragons represent a fiery personality and strong will.

I Can Feel It

During the day I feel normal, somewhat disconnected spiritually but also tuned-in deeply to the cosmos. It is a strange sense of being very grounded while also stretching my spiritual branches high into mySelf.

I sense another embodiment phase approaching. When? It could already be here. I’m not sure but several times now I have caught myself saying it was coming. In fact, yesterday I was sad in Knowing this fact, already grieving the inevitability of loss that arises out of the ashes of the death that results. It’s a feeling of touching the face of God only to slowly fall back down to Earth and suffer the disconnect all over again. It’s hard to reconcile the experience once it passes, especially when the memory hits hard, at times making this physical existence so much more distasteful.

The balancing act is not overly difficult but it is challenging and I suspect this next “infusion of Self” will only exacerbate the difficulty. The Knowing is easy to accept in the midst of embodiment. It is the after-Knowing that is a challenge. The reaffirmation of my mission, the understanding of it at my Core, inundates everything to the point that rejecting it is impossible.

A good analogy of the process would be this: Imagine you get a cancer diagnosis. You are told you have six months to live at best and are encourage to accept your fate and come to terms with your life and impending death. The process seems unending as you face yourself, but in reality it happens in a blink of the eye. There is the grieving process, the fighting of it, the denial, the struggle against your fate. Ultimately, though, you succumb because there is nothing else you can do. The powerlessness you feel is the hardest. It is like Fate comes in and takes over. Your hands and body are no longer your own.

Of course, in this analogy the Ego is the one fighting and in denial. It is the one who feels “taken over” and “powerless”. The embodiment process does have that flavor to it – the flavor of dying, of death. It takes over and then you are no longer you. It is so fast, so streamlined, that you don’t even realize it has happened until you can no longer find your old self but instead are this new, amazing version that Knows so much and is outside of Space and Time.

I’m not afraid at all of it happening again. I look forward to it. BUT I do not look forward to coming back down and reality (this physical reality) setting in.

I hear audibly just now, “It gets easier.” I bet. I have no doubt.

A phrase from a song has been in my head this morning, thus the title of this post – I can feel it coming back again…..I can feel it.” Yeah, it’s coming….

Interestingly, this morning I had yet another clue provided via my own mouth. From upstairs I heard our dog whining to get let in, so I yelled down to my daughter, “Let Monty in.” This was what my mind sent to my mouth to say, but what came out was, “Let Monty walk-in.” Hahahaha I caught it immediately because it was like someone took over my mouth and voice and spoke for me. So odd and somewhat discombobulating but not a first for me, not at all.

 

Growing Up

Again I apologize for the long lag in posts. I just don’t feel motivated in this regard much these days. Since February my blog has become a non-priority. There are no considerations like I use to have such as – No one would notice if I don’t write. No one cares anyway.…etc. All those “poor me” thoughts desperate for some kind of acknowledgment and validation. Instead my mind is just blank and there is no desire to share like there use to be.

This shift includes a loss of desire and interest in dream interpretation for the most part as well. I do occasionally document a dream here and there but analysis is limited. I recognize that analysis of my dreams often leads me to speculation about future events. This in and of itself is not healthy for me. So, I can see the purpose behind it.

Of the dreams I do recall and take time to write down, there are themes indicating a “growing up” or maturation process is occurring. In fact, I had a string of dreams over the course of a couple of weeks where I observed the growth of my “daughter” from infancy to adulthood.

The only reason I recall the dreams about my daughter’s maturation process is that my partner in Spirit made appearances, sometimes within the dream of upon waking. Here is one example. This was from a dream in which my daughter, previously a toddler, had grown to the point of experiencing her first menses. I was washing her soiled garments when my partner approached me in the dream:

……..an older man who resembled Robert Redford came up and put his hand on my left hip. I felt our connection but ignored it all the while nervous he would instigate something more intimate and I would not be able to resist him. He was very gentle with me and kind……..Toward the end of the dream he came up behind me again and touched me gently on the shoulder. He pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me from behind, and offered me a plate full of doughnuts and danishes – all sweet foods. I did not take one. I could feel the beautiful connection we shared intensify and it woke me up.

I have not spent much time analyzing what these dreams mean overall, but I suspect that a new aspect was born from my February embodiment and is in the process of maturing. Eventually she (me) will be ready for what lies ahead. I can only speculate as to what that is.

Life is to be Lived

In the meanwhile, I have been focused primarily on living life. A Zen proverb applies here – Before enlightenment, chop wood carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water. I’m not saying I am “enlightened” by any means, but I did experience or get a taste of it in February. There is no way a person comes away from such an experience unchanged; however, life goes on.

Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. -Zen ...

For me life consists of family obligations and the usual day-to-day tasks that go with it. The main difference now is that I perform the tasks of living with an awareness that was not present before. This new awareness reminds me daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute, to apply what I have learned in each new moment – surrender and acceptance is the lesson.

During my embodiment experience surrender and acceptance came easy. I lived and breathed it in every moment. Life was so much easier, much more beautiful and flowing, during that time. I got to experience the reality of a life of acceptance and ease. It was my reality for three solid weeks.

Since then that reality has broken down somewhat. This was/is purposeful, for the human experience is not meant to be easy but to challenge us to step up and into our full potential. Life and all the illusions that goes with this reality acts as barriers to the ease and acceptance that is our true nature as Spirit. The lesson now, for me and many others like me, is to learn to bring forward into this reality our Light; to embrace the “chop wood, carry water” routine without expectation, fully surrendering to the experience and the moment, and carrying with us the Memory of who We Are so that our Light can penetrate the density of this physical reality.

Additionally, I am learning how to recognize and prevent the Ego from taking over and resuming it’s dictatorial rule over this life, body and physical experience. Just because I experienced an “Ego death” does not mean the Ego was eliminated nor does it mean that it cannot return from the dead. This requires diligence and a conscious effort on my part. The Ego has the advantage. It has been ruler for this entire life and has established itself via habits and beliefs based upon the illusion of this physical reality. Tearing it down was just the beginning. Keeping it down is the real challenge.

My method is to not use force to keep it down but to instead use love and understanding. I listen to it without becoming the effect of it. Then I talk to it and help it to understand, to Remember, and show it my perspective. So far this is working, but there have been occasional upsets along the way. It is to be expected.

Plans

Currently, the plan is to “stay the course” in regards to my life situation. This means no major changes are to be made to my life path or circumstances at present. You can imagine how difficult these instruction are for the Ego to digest. It wants to know “how long?” and “then what?” It’s reaction is very similar to that of a two-year-old child and as such loving reminders need to be provided at consistent intervals in order to stave off tantrums.

At present the main objective on a personal level is, as I mentioned previously, live life with acceptance and ease. Personally, the focus has been on healing and balance of the physical body. Many lessons involved here, but the main ones are how to listen to the body and how to maintain it and avoid break downs. Similar to a car, we humans tend to use up our bodies until they break down and force us to listen and perform necessary maintenance. When young, it is easy to ignore the body’s cues to us because the signals it sends are rarely intensely painful or alarming. They are there, but overlooked as “growing pains” or some lesser condition.

If you are like me, then you just push past those minor body complaints. Most young people do this and, as there are no major complications to follow, continue to do so until such complications present themselves. This, I am learning, is a big no-no.

How am I learning this? Well, mostly I seem to have become hyper-aware of all sorts of body complaints that I was not aware of before. They were always present but I ignored them. I had become so use to ignoring my body that I didn’t even notice them. But now I am so much more in-tune with my body that I am noticing all kinds of things that are in need of repair. Nothing major, thankfully, but they could easily turn into much more complicated issues without proper rest and healing.

The main method of repairing my body for me continues to be yoga. The Ego and I have lots of arguments about it, though. “Yoga is boring” is the primary complaint. lol This is very true in comparison with all the high intensity exercise routines (running, weight lifting, HIIT, boot camp) that are my normal go-to stress relief. Yet I know deep down these high-intensity workouts are taking a toll on my body and are not conducive to a pain-free, healthy and functional body in the future. The message I received in February and continue to receive (Remember) is that less is more in regards to high-intensity exercise. My tendency is the opposite and my goal is to slowly work my way toward a more balanced fitness routine incorporating more yoga and mobility training while slowly eliminating high-intensity exercises.

What yoga does is force you to feel and listen to your body. It is very mentally and physically challenging in it’s own right. I attribute my new hyper-sensitivity to my body to all the yoga I have been doing. My HS and inner Knowing is saying, “More yoga please.” It is leading me toward certification but my Ego has a lot of fear regarding this path despite knowing it will lead to a much more balanced, healthy and happy life.

In February, I was excited about yoga and accepted the path toward certification without hesitation. Since then the Ego has worked hard to diverge from that path. Yet the messages still get through. For example, this week alone I had several messages all pointing to the certification path. There is a certification workshop in Atlanta, GA in September I figured I could go to and then visit my friends in TN. But it kept being put off and was all but forgotten until this week. Out of the blue a reminder came to mind. “Don’t forget,” it said. All kinds of reasons and excuses came to mind. So no decision was made.

A week passed.

Then, when running a 5K race, I met a guy who just kept talking to me and being friendly. He looked like a young Ewan McGregor. Really. lol Anyway, he talked to me before the race and then again at the end of the race. Turns out he won the 5K. 1st place. After some talking I discovered he was visiting Austin from Nashville. I thought it odd but ignored the “coincidence”.

Later in the day I went for a walk and parked right across the street from my house was a car with Georgia plates. It is still parked there. lol

All the while my SIL and BIL were visiting family in Dalton and Atlanta, GA and sending us photos of their road trip.

Eventually I was like, “Okay, what gives?” lol

Since then my guidance continues to nudge me toward attending the workshop, but I keep contacting an (illogical) fear of this path. So, we compromised by purchasing a yoga video package that will prep me for the workshop should I opt to go. I have until July to decide.

In the meanwhile, I opted to do the first video in the package I bought. It was a grounding flow that lasted over an hour. When I finished I felt….different. It is hard to say how really but my body felt lighter and more limber. My energy was light but grounded. It felt really good.

Finally, I want to share a vision that continues to visit me in regards to this whole yoga path. It is really more of a feeling and sense than a visual, but I do get visual flashes here and there. The feeling is flowing and calm, without stress or anxiety. I feel centered and solid in this body and life. Purpose is present as well. Work isn’t “work” anymore. It is enjoyable and part of my daily, healthy regime that balances mind, body and Spirit. The visuals are mostly colors – muted blue, indigo and pink like stained glass. There is also a sense of belonging and a group of friends who are like family.

Of course, the Ego can’t accept any of this vision as a possibility. Stress and worry are her reality. Take that away and replace it with ease and acceptance and it scares her. She is left grappling for anything familiar to hold onto. So we ease into change, show her that it isn’t scary and IS possible.

Liberatus

I’ve been slowly retaining my dreams for a few days now. They are getting easier to recall and messages are seeping in.

Dream: Music of the Night

This morning I had a dream in which I was attending a party with a group of friends. I recall the space was dark, lots of wood undertones. There was a guy there that I liked and kept watching from a distance. I had trouble recalling his name and remember eventually settling on the name Sean (name means “gift from God”).

Discussion was going on about having to settle the winner of some contest. Me and another girl had tied. A man informed me that to determine the winner we would have to fold towels (a need to deal with emotions for resolution). The best 2 folded towels out of 3 won. I remember saying it was no fair and questioning what would happen if there was another tie. I can’t recall the other girl but she had longish, mousy brown hair.

I remember seeing the towels and folding (compartmentalization) one up nice and tight and neat. It was red (root chakra; passion) in color. I was very proud of how well I folded it and knew the other girl could not do better.

Then I went into a bedroom where I heard a song playing. I began to sing to it and dance, arms out as I spun around and around and sang the song. It was the Music of the Night song from Phantom of the Opera, but I was not singing the right lyrics I don’t think. I felt really alive and free and was smiling big when I noticed a group of Hispanic boys walking through the corridor outside the room. I had been looking at myself in a mirror smiling and feeling beautiful when I saw them. I looked away quickly and the guys laughed. I felt embarrassed. Then, I overheard them talking to the boy I liked, messing with him and joking around about me liking him. They asked him what he was going to do. He said, “She has liked me for a long time…. [pause as if trying to make a decision] but I don’t know what I want right now.”

When I woke up I remember what the boy said vividly and I said to myself, “Ah, he doesn’t know what he wants!” as if it was a huge revelation. I also recalled the song I was singing.

The song reminded me of when I was in high school. I was transported to the memory of being on the football field with the band waving my flag with the other color guard members to a flag routine I created to the song Music of the Night. Something about the song always made me want to twirl around and around, just like in the dream. 🙂 The lyrics are amazing. Take some time to listen and read. They are very suitable to my current “lessons” (on-going lesson really).

Let your soul take you where you long to be…..

There followed an in-between discussion regarding the numbers 4 and 2. I understood this to mean 6 months for some reason. That would be October. 4 months would be my birthday, then an additional 2. I have been getting October as significant for a while, specifically that I would have a “heart attack”. I suspect this is not literal. So then what does it mean to have a symbolic “heart attack”?? 😀

Dream: Liberatus

A couple of nights ago I had a vivid dream that lasted most of the night. It was one of those continuous dreams where I woke up and when I returned to sleep I went directly back into the dream.

In the dream I received a phone call from my former boss. She was one of the few boss’ I really respected in this lifetime. She was very spiritually in tune. She was also the kind of person that could get people to do what she wanted because of a presence she had. I really, really like/loved this woman. She was an older, black woman, prior military retired, tough in word and action but soft in Spirit. She helped me decided to leave my job and opt for part-time work so I could focus on my family. Something about her energy spoke to me but she was also very upfront and forward in her speaking. Just my kinda person!

In the dream she asked me to come assist her at another school. I agreed and arrived. The school had just been opened and they were having an ARD meeting on a new student who had a 30 day assignment at the school. I was being asked to attend the meeting because I knew the student. My ex boss asked me what I thought of him and I told them he needed to be watched. In my mind he was all my male, Hispanic students from the alternative schools I worked at.

Mostly what I recall from the dream is an overwhelming sense of belonging and purpose. I felt at home with the people there and even thought to myself, “I like this place. These are good people.”

When I woke up I was reminded of that boss and wondered about her before returning to sleep. She is old and so I worried she may have died. I also remembered her name: Rose. It felt significant.

Back in the dream I was dropped off at the school by my husband and left on the side of the road. I looked at the street and it seemed to be in a downtown area but not sure what city. The building was narrow with many levels. In the dream it felt like all the schools I had ever worked at mixed up into one. There was a sense of being advised to reconsider the path of education and helping kids, like a discussion.

During this time I was shown important papers regarding the school. It had just been opened and the paperwork was information on the school. I don’t think it was a contract, just information. I remember reading it over and over and out loud as if I was trying to remember what I read but I can’t recall one word now. I do remember that the information did not align with a school charter but something totally different. In fact, the words were foreign, like Latin, but I understood the language.

When I was picked up by my husband he was in a small, white car. This part is blurry but there was a lit cigarette and I burned myself with it (pun on “getting burned” maybe?). The car was white and I remember knowing it was a rental (temporary path). In the end I walked away from the car as the Fleetwood Mac song, Dreams, played: “Like a heartbeat drives you mad, in the stillness of remembering what you had, and what you lost…..”

As I was waking I heard very clearly, “Liberatus or Confinus?” Confused, I kept listening and heard, “It’s your choice: Libertaus or Confinus” – Liberty? or Confinement? 

I avoided writing down this dream for several days, yet here I am still recalling it and finally accepting that I will not forget it and should not. I have a choice, do I want to remain confined or do I wish to be free? I don’t want to confront this, obviously. My choice continues to be to remain confined because it is easier, safer and I know what to expect. My guidance is asking me to reconsider again whether this is the best path.

Let There Be Light

The above dreams seem to support messages I’ve been receiving lately. I’ve been very restless since Uranus entered Taurus. Actually, since about a week before. It was like a fire was lit inside and I felt intent to change certain aspects of my life, specifically my financial dependence upon my husband. It was difficult for me to control and led to a tense discussion. Once Uranus entered into Taurus, though, I softened and became more patient and understanding of my situation. Mostly this is because I asked for help in controlling my tendency to act before thinking. It usually doesn’t lead to the best resolution of a problem. lol

The advice came in strange ways. Mostly signs from the external world but also a few messages upon waking. The messages from my guidance came in pieces. I heard, “You will go through an ordeal” and “Your impatience with be your undoing”. Then there were messages that were felt/intuited that said, “Wait”, “Remember”. These came with memory that cannot be put into words but feels like I am waiting for a series of events and a sense of Knowing before I make any decisions or changes.

The external message was mostly “Be the Light”. I can’t recall where I first heard it but the main one I recall came from a day of surfing Amazon to find something interesting to watch. I stumbled upon a movie called, “Let There Be Light”. I watched it for a while, knowing it was a Christian movie and low budget, but something kept me watching it. As I watched I had a sudden sense of not being alone and a strong urge to speak in Light Language. I allowed it and was covered in the most spectacular energy and felt to be communicating with several small, child-sized Beings. Ever since this experience I’ve been more accepting, patient and calm.

The next day I heard this song and the message was repeated. 🙂

Protection

As my dream-recall returns there is memory of several incidents in which I dream of surrounding myself in protection. The dreams themselves are lost but not the act of surrounding myself in white light and requesting angels be posted on the four corners of my room. One time I woke after setting up protection while still in the dreamstate and felt unsettled and nervous, as if I had been under attack. The most recent time it felt more like a precaution.

Similarly, dream snippets indicate I am seeking to protect myself form something, but it doesn’t appear to be an external threat but something deep within myself. I have witnessed many times now very erotic scenes in my dreams. Every time I am on the sidelines protecting my daughter (my “ideal”, or “better” Self) , shielding her view of people having sex. In the most recent dream scene my daughter and I are inside a bedroom where two women are having sex. I cover her eyes but watch for a while until I finally take myself and daughter out of the room.

Similarly, there was a dream in which I met up with a man and experienced a strong attraction of the Divine sort. We hugged and I resisted the rising of the Kundalini energy from my heart space. This shifted to me watching a group of 4 women having sex and then being aware of sitting in a movie theater and seeing the scene on the screen.

Dreaming of being in a movie theater indicates I am trying to buffer myself from some aspect of myself. The movie acts to “protect” me from an experience.

The only conclusion I can draw is that I am seeking to avoid feelings of sexual desire and strong Divine connections in dreamtime as a means to protect myself from the “dangerous” side-effects of such experiences.

Considerations

It appears I am trying to encourage my smaller self to stop blocking feelings of passion, Divine love and connection. It is understandable that she would seek to block out all such feelings but the end result is a return to severe energetic blocks in the lower chakras which can lead to a total disconnect from the pleasure centers of the physical body and overall emotional numbness.

We all seek to protect ourselves from that which we deem harmful based upon past experiences. It is part of human nature – the urge toward survival. A decision was made by my small self that feelings of Divine connection and love are linked to sexual passion and sexual passion = illogical, rash decisions that disrupt life and thus are threatening to the status quo. Her goal is no-change, so in makes sense in a way, but is not conducive to learning and spiritual growth.

Change is inevitable. The patience aspect here is that I cannot create change too quickly or else risk total shutdown of the smaller self resulting in regression and delay. Balance is key. We cannot shut out or disregard the needs and considerations of the smaller self. Instead we must be accepting and tolerant, while providing love, encouragement, and guidance.

The “partnership” I wrote about earlier is probably the best example of love I have ever encountered. Because We must love ourselves unconditionally in our human form in order to accomplish what we came here to do. It is very similar to a parent-child relationship. We are our own guides and we are our own children. 🙂 The more comfortable I become with this new perspective of partnership, the more I see how truly remarkable We are and how the key is unconditional love and always has been. Thankfully, now my perception is not always as the “child” as it once was. Now I am able to be both parent and child at the same time.

Having access to the “parent” perspective allows me, as the “child”, to feel the love, fall into the stillness within, and center myself. It gives me access to a well of resources and support that quiet the restlessness and turmoil of the [my] human mind.

Partners

This morning I transitioned from the dreamstate into the in-between. A tunnel appeared before me and within it a vision of a beautiful mountain lake. Everything had a purple/pink cast to it. The lake itself was indigo with purple and pink highlights. The sky mirrored this. The mountains were not towering high like the Rockies but subtler with varying shades of greenery. It was a peaceful, beautiful scene. I felt myself pulled into this window but my awareness peaked and so I did not go OOB.

Before I was pulled into full, waking consciousness, I found myself standing on the shore of this lake with a humanoid Being who felt very masculine to me. He towered above me, though, a good two or more feet. His form was very human-like, with broad shoulders, two arms, two legs, hands, feet and a head, but his arms were much longer than a human’s would be in proportion to his body and his head had no hair and appeared more rounded.

We stood and talked for a while. I took his hand and told him I wanted to go Home, that I disliked this human disconnect and empty feeling. I longed for the connection of Home – the love and deep friendship and peace that came with it. He acknowledged me and explained that I was here to learn, which I know already, but his explanation was more accepted than previous ones I have gotten. I understand now why I am here with more depth than ever before. It is a feeling I feel in my core and it always arises when my purpose is explored or questioned.

This masculine presence explained to me that the human experience was unique and valuable, far beyond experiences in other realities and in other bodies. This came after I requested to change bodies, to get out of this human one. I seemed to remember the freedom innate in other forms and it contrasted greatly with the human form.

Timestreams were then discussed. It was explained that though we exist in multiple dimensions simultaneously, the human Timestream is separate from the other Timestreams (his wording not mine). I saw the Timestreams. They looked like colored waves of water or streamers floating or vibrating to their own rhythm and time. Most of the colors I saw resembled the lake vision in color – purple, blue, pink. This separateness is only present in our awareness here. When we extract ourselves from the human awareness we then can travel amidst all Timestreams and select ones we wish to experience at will.

Infinity was explored as well, or Remembered is a better word. As was perfection and the paradox of being perfect Beings attempting to perfect our reaction (experiences in) to the finite, which is impossible but achievable at the same time. It seemed as though our task/purpose as infinite Beings is to attempt to create perfection out of the imperfect. The feat seems insurmountable but within I found complete understanding and acceptance. It is not the end result that is important but the path we travel to get to an end that will never come. We are Builders and Creators but destruction is inherent in the process and all results are honored for their exquisiteness as if a dessert whose every bite is savored and relished.

I was then reminded of the vision I had yesterday. I saw the Earth going dark six times, one after the other. At the time I assumed the darkness was created by a great event like an eclipse. This morning, though, I realized it was likely much simpler than that. The darkness comes every night. What I was seeing was the passage of day into night six times. So the passing of six days. The lesson was that I need to take what I am shown at face value rather than looking for some deeper meaning.

The Experiencer and the Observer

A realization I’ve been having of late has been that I am experiencing this life now in two ways simultaneously. Life is viewed/experienced both as the Experiencer and the Observer. The Experiencer is familiar because that has been the viewpoint I have taken for the majority of this lifetime. Now, however, I am aware of the Observer as a constant. I am both Experiencer and Observer and recognize the purpose of both within this human experience.

The Observer viewpoint wants only to sit back and let the Experiencer experience life. She does not wish to interfere in the daily on-goings, actions and words, routines and challenges. Her job is similar to that of a scientist who is observing a closed experiment. She jots down observations, draws conclusions and makes hypotheses. Her viewpoint is objective.

The Experiencer is human and very reactive. She is suppose to react. Her job is to play her role and provide data to the Observer for improvement in the greater game. Her viewpoint is subjective.

Being able to view my life as both, simultaneously, is strange in a sense but perfectly normal at the same time. I have been doing this the entire time but was not aware of the Objective side except occasionally through glimpses here and there.

The Objective me has been with this body the whole time. I am aware of myself as this aspect. Fully. She is patient, focused, results-oriented and detailed. She makes adjustments to the experiement that then trickle down to the Experiencer as alterations in the path. Some are major, most are minor.

Currently, as the Experiencer, I am now able to identify the feelings and intuitions I have long had in this life as my “instructions” from the Observer. Before, the identification of these intuitions were lost on me resulting in mostly confusion and tantrums/resistance/impatience. For example, currently I feel as if in a void, and though I wish to take action I feel unmotivated toward any considered changes. There are often feelings of upset, irritation and impatience surfacing as a result. The Objective me understands the void feeling as an instruction to “take no new action” and “continue on course”. This Objective side learns a great deal from these periods and makes adjustments accordingly when learning plateaus.

As a result of this perception shift there is an increase of acceptance and balance within. I always thought the goal was to be the Observer but am learning this is only partially true. The Observer has its part to play as does the Experiencer. We are partners.