Messages: Protection and the Diamond Light Codes

Feeling less upset this morning and more calm. I had another emotional purging last night, though. It reminds me of last November and December and how at the end of the day or whenever I found myself alone I would encounter intense emotion and it would just pour out of me. The whole process of letting it out is deeply exhausting. It feels like my insides are weeping and my body cannot contain them so they pour out of me. My entire body lurches. It’s like I am vomiting the emotion and the after effects are no different.

My sleep was undisturbed and deep last night. When I awoke I was given messages and I had clarity once again. It is like a calmness descends over me and I understand everything so clearly. There is no upset at what I am going through and no desire to escape it either. It is so odd yet at this moment I see it as a completely normal and expected part of my transformation process.

Dream: Renovating a Mansion

I had bought a new house/mansion (my greatest potential) and my realtor (guide) was showing it to me. It was enormous, much bigger than anything I could afford or would even think suited me. As we walked inside I was blown away by the beauty and majesty of the place. What was most noticeable was the dark, mahogany wood trim and accents. My realtor was advising me on the renovations (new outlook/perspective). He suggested I replace the wood with a white stone tile. I’m not sure what kind it was but when I saw it in my mind it appeared silvery white, seamless and modern. The lighting was also to be changed to silvery chandeliers. I remember not liking the idea of replacing the stone accents and wood. I asked if it was necessary to even renovate. I recall him suggesting it but saying it was my choice.

Then we went outside to survey the property I now owned. A portion of the fence (barriers) had been torn down along with a foot bridge (connection or opportunity lost). The previous owners had done this. There was also a large dog (untrustworthy) watching us. It was huge, like wolf sized and pure grey. I thought I saw a mask over its eyes like a raccoon (deceit) and felt I needed to stay away. I hurried into the house and closed the door before it came in. It was obviously friendly but for some reason I was wary. The realtor said it belonged to the previous owners and was left behind.

Dream: Stuck in the Dark

Short dream of being beside a large body of water with a group of friends. The water (emotion) was being drained via a huge central drain, similar to a pool drain (need to remove obstacles) but larger. Somehow one of the group got sucked down and stuck in the drain. There was discussion on how to get him out. I mainly recall everything being black (unknown, death) because I became the one stuck in the drain. But I was also the one trying to help free the stuck person. From above I was sending down a light to illuminate the darkness. From within I was waiting in the darkness, unable to see and worried I would drown. Somehow I found an air bubble and survived, though. The light was sent down the drain and I saw it descending toward me. It looked like the flame of a candle. Then I was being released from the dark depths but I don’t remember making it to the surface. Instead I found myself on the surface watching a man as he loosened the dirt (attempt to hide something) around the edges of the water causing it to cave in. His intention was to trap the other me under the water. I was able to stop the man and ran across the land mass near the water. When I looked down I saw I was standing on a dirt colored map (life path) of the world, specifically the middle east – Israel (spiritual unrest). Half of the map had crumbled into the water, though (feeling lost, without direction).


I drifted in and out of the in-between. During this time I recall receiving a message in pieces. First I heard, “The four directions” and then “protection”. I also heard something about a “5th direction”. I was responding to my guidance as a different version of myself, one with great Knowing and understanding of what I have been going through. I can’t recall my specific remarks but the understanding remains even now.

The end of this section of the Equinox Portal is nearing. This section, like the others, has been working on rectifying the False Self. For me this has been experienced via the arising of my “inner demons”, those aspects of self that perpetuate confusion, self-destruction and self-loathing. They reveal themselves via mental circuitry, or repetitive/circular thought patterns, that are triggered via specific life experiences. Ultimately, when observed they reveal limiting and destructive beliefs from this and previous incarnations.

I was reminded not to allow myself to become defeated by this circuitry but to allow and observe it. When experienced it will feel as if it has overtaken me. I will be drawn into the emotion in a very real and tangible way and past memories and incidents will be revealed. The key is to pay attention to what is revealed through it.

Easier said than done.

These moments of emotion are so dark, so agonizing, that I feel they will kill me. They evoke a feeling of powerlessness that is terrifying. It is as if I am experiencing that moment just prior to death when one knows what is coming – death – but can do nothing to stop it. Is this the Ego struggling against its own death? Or is it something else? I am not exactly sure but I have faint memories, memories that seem to run away when I touch upon them, that cause me to question if any of the experience is even mine. It is like I am flushing out an old, useless version of myself. A self that is already dead but whose tendencies and memories remain. It’s such a weird, surreal feeling yet at the same time it feels completely natural.

The protection part of the message concerns me somewhat. I am left wondering if perhaps I am in danger of becoming totally overrun by the darkness. Is someone or something praying upon me? Do I have an entity attached to me? Or is it something else, some larger, dark force? But then I don’t believe the darkness can really hurt me, nor do I feel a need to avoid it as it is part of the experience of duality. I even recognize that I am fascinated by the darkness. Plus, I have never felt a need to protect myself via visualization or prayer. My guidance has always done it for me when needed, if it even is needed (I still doubt this need).

diamonDiamond Light Codes

There was a brief dream of a discussion with a woman who was showing me a diagram that resembled a baseball diamond. I recall it being drawn like a map and feeling it was for assistance and protection. As I woke from this dream I began mentally speaking in light language, drawing a diamond around me with my hands. It was so streamlined and automatic that it surprised me out of the in-between.

As I emerged from the in-between I heard myself saying, “Diamond Light Codes” and then “Sacred geometry”. I was discussing this with someone and saying things about sacred geometry that indicated a thorough knowledge of the subject. Of course, I forgot it all.

A quick search on Google indicates the Diamond Light Codes and Light Body exist, but I do not have the time or desire to read through it all. Sometimes I get tired of hearing these specialized ascension terms from my guidance. It would be nice for it to simple and straightforward. It would also be nice if all the information coming in and made available matched. Beside, in the end, will any of this information and terminology matter anyway? Not likely. It seems more likely that the information is provided because so many of us humans want to know “why” all the time. What if we stopped asking why and just let it Be? We already Know it all anyway. Feel it and allow it. Who cares what it is called or what the process and steps are. This whole journey and questioning all the time is getting old and tiresome. I got a smile from my guidance from that. 🙂

Edit: After I posted this I recalled that the reason for the protection is not that a particular dark entity is looming in the shadows ready to pounce. It is instead that I am extremely open and empathic right now. My heart space is not only open but expanding (solar plexus and sacral are being integrated) and will remain so as part of a new energetic system/Light Body.

I have received this message before but I guess it just didn’t click. I have to learn to live with being in an expansively open state. I can’t bury the emotion or I will get sick. I have to allow it and protect myself from becoming over burdened and worn out. It will effectively “kill” my body, exhausting my adrenal system and overloading my nervous system if I don’t protect myself, care for myself and listen to my body.

This is part of the “holding more Light” we have all been preparing for. We need to be in top shape physically, but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Any of these that we are not meeting the minimum expectations in will be brought to our attention either via messages and dreams or through outright “assault” on that faculty. So, if you are not physically ready, your body will show you. If you are not emotionally ready, your emotions will show you. And so on and so forth. For me it appears my emotional and mental bodies are not quite there yet. Physically I’m doing much better (now anyway). Spiritually, well I guess I’m okay? lol

I remembered all of this information when I stumbled on this post this morning. She says:

Suppressing your emotions is probably one of the worst things you could do. Numbing them by resorting to substances, addictive behaviors or other forms of escapism will not help in the long run either.

It means also finding strength in our emotions. Allowing the flow of energy and information that moves through the emotional channels to act in your favour, rather than otherwise.

That is (at minimum) a 2-part process:

Detoxification – unburdening the body, mind and spirit of accumulated debris

Recalibration – discovering a new way to exist within a rapidly evolving physical and spiritual climate

Over a week ago I was asked to stop smoking and was told, “These destructive tendencies slow down the process. You must love yourself and your body”. I quit without issue (as is my usual). I was asked to never resume the habit. Strangely I have had absolutely no desire to resume it and the typical triggers have been in abundance! I also tossed out all wine on a whim. Down the drain it went. Yesterday I was asked to do a semi-fast/cleanse/detox. I started first thing this morning. So far I have not even been hungry today and all I’ve had is fresh juice from my juicer, mineral water and a bowl of oatmeal with honey.





Message: Rising Star

Yesterday was another purging day, though not all day just portions of it. At a particularly bad time I burst into tears because I could not bear it anymore. This purging has been off and on since November, 2016! I am nearing the end of my rope and am trying to find any solution, even 3D ones, so that it will stop.  I can’t talk to my husband about it because he doesn’t understand the ascension process and will likely try to coerce me into his own solution to the problem. And I feel unable to reach out to who I want to reach out to for reasons I won’t go into.

So, I began to think my only option was a mental institution and as much medication as I could get in order to numb myself. This, however, is also not an option. I’ve tried it before and even antidepressants and antipsychotics don’t stop ascension, they just make it worse. It would take a tranquilizer to knock me out and then I would likely have traumatic dreams. Waking, sleeping – neither offers much of a reprieve.

If you have ever been up against a wall with no way out, that is how I felt at that moment. There’s nowhere to run and fighting doesn’t work. The only solution is to surrender. Ha! Tell my Ego that! lol The feeling is indescribable, too. It is not depression, but it is…kinda. Fear? Maybe. It’s too weird a feeling and one I’m not use to.

I finally felt my guidance shift closer and heard, “We will come to you.” With that I was washed in calm and all the upset seemed to trickle slowly into oblivion. The feeling of this is also indescribable. Imagine someone pouring cold water over your head to put out a raging fire. Or better yet, its like the sensation of ice water going down you throat into your stomach. A cool, calm.

Even with the calm there remained that feeling just under the surface. I realize now it’s been there all the time, most of my life I think.


Dreams and Message

I requested an uninterrupted sleep last night because I was exhausted most of the day yesterday because I was up every two hours. I did some deep breathing and laid in savasana for a while to try and settle into my heart space the best I could. My third-eye was active as was the back of my head. When the energy is strong in these areas I can feel disconnected from my body, but this didn’t happen. Instead I felt my guidance near and they reminded me that I would receive a visit.


The dream began with me entering in a building that was obviously some kind of school. I met up with the other teachers and realized quite quickly that this school was unique. One of the first things I learned was that the hours of the school were from 11am-4pm. The teachers were all selected for their mastery in a certain subject/field and all seemed pleasant and positive when I met them.

I remember sitting at a desk during a “study hour” that I was supervising. The children were all high school aged. One hugged me and it felt very comfortable.

On the second day before school there was an incident. I went to assist because that was part of my job. A father was having an argument with his son over a jelly bean. The son had snatched one and wouldn’t give it back. The dad was making threats and got out a loaded pistol, waving it in his son’s face. Somehow the gun ended up on the ground and the dad was escorted off campus. I recall discussing the incident and being told the parents of the children were struggling to transition and often would have breakdowns over mild issues.

Spiritual Geneticist

After school let out, I overheard a teacher talking to another teacher about her spiritual experiences. She had met someone and fallen in love and had a question about why it was not working out as she would like. The connection was intense and very obviously something beyond normal human experience. They sought the counsel of a “Spiritual Geneticist”. I followed them to the geneticist’s office where she appeared to be solving a page of multiplication problems, all of them “doubles” (8×8, 6×6, etc).

As the teacher told the geneticist her story I was drawn in and they allowed me to join their conversation. The woman described the connection she felt, how it came to be and how there were others involved in the connection, too. In my memory all that remains of this information is seeing the woman in front of me and then it is like a bubble of her memory appears. In it there is another couple and a man, so three others. All of them had a connection but her connection with the man was the one she was asking about.

When I heard about her connection to the man I said, “Is he your twin?” The woman thought about it and the geneticist answered, “No, but they are very close.” With this it appeared that the woman’s love was “deceased”. His energy appeared to be in another location, like across the veil that separated her reality and his. I received information clarifying their connection. In my mind I saw an image of my brother-in-law and heard, “He is related to her like your BIL is related to you. They are all close family.” With this there was an explanation about what a Spiritual Geneticist does. It has to do with studying the energetic link (DNA) between family groups.

I remember hearing her description of part of her experience and the geneticist told her, “You are stopping it.” This was a comment in regards to the energy the woman was feeling and her reaction to it. I saw it building from her root upward and then going to her head and forming a huge cloud around it. I said to them both, “That sounds like me but I’m not stopping it.” The geneticist looked at me and said, “Yes you are. You are afraid of it.” I said, “No I’m not.” I looked at the other woman and reconsidered. I said, “Maybe I am afraid.” The geneticist  explained that when the energy was not stopped (allowed) the woman would be taken Home and reunited with her family. It was explained that the love felt will make the fear and upset inconsequential.

A New Earth

Then I seemed to be transported to another location where a man and a woman were with me. They told me we were creating a new Earth. With this I saw an entire city wiped out. It was as if a a huge silver hand descended and leveled the entire world. It was replaced with a city whose buildings were constructed from the Earth. Everything was a reddish color, like terracotta. I stood at the front door to one of these dwellings. There was a small dish of water where the doorbell would normally be. Before a person entered they dipped their fingers in the dish of water. I delighted at this for some reason and said, “I would make it rose water.”

There was much discussion inside the dwelling but I don’t remember most of it now. Instead I recall seeing faces of all types – male and female, all races and ethnicities. Some are still very vivid in my mind.

This is around the time I became lucid and entered the in-between. I stayed here a while and it was as if I was inundated with information. I can’t recall the specifics but when I finally woke I felt relieved and reassured.



So much was passed on to me but most I have forgotten now (as usual). What I do recall was seeing my Companion up close. He put my hand on his face and asked, “What do you see?” When I looked closer his face appeared as energy, swirling and of all colors. It seemed silvery and iridescent but at other times was gold and specked with every color. I could also see right through him if I wanted to. He extended his hand and it also swirled with color. As he touched me my hand and arm it began to swirl with color as well.

Then I had a vision of a piece of black paper with silver writing on it. I saw clearly the words, “Rising star” and with recognition of it all the other words vanished and the words “Rising star” began to ascend from the bottom of my vision to the top. Rather than think of this as meaning I would be a “star” as in famous, I understood it as the ascension process. The message about midheaven was clarified then – I am undergoing a metamorphosis, transformation, complete overhaul of the self.

There was much discussion about family and what I am left with now is an understanding that this family is my star family. Of what origins it doesn’t matter as it feels like we have always been. I was told more than once that I will be reunited with them but I suspect this reunion is not physical but spiritual and via the rising of the Kundalini, i.e. the “vertical alignment” I was told would be occurring.

There was a reminder that I have been clearing up residuals in preparation for this alignment. I agreed to this and it is not yet complete. All I am experiencing is part of the transformation. It is difficult but achievable.


For as long as I remember in this life I have had a feeling. I feel as if I am waiting for a specific time in my life. I first felt it in my teens when it was linked directly to meeting “the one” – that’s what I called him anyway. Later in life, when seeking fulfillment in work and life in general I was drawn always to working with my life partner (“the one”). My work was not to be done alone but in partnership with this person. As my life has unfolded I married men who needed someone who supported them. I accepted this as my task but never felt fulfilled in it. Though I supported them I was never a part of the work they did but more of an outsider and completely disconnected and disinterested in their work. This disconnect feels wrong to me even now. I need to be a part of the work I do, in support of my partner via direct involvement and mutual interest.

And my disinterest in my husbands’ work is not for lack of trying. With my first husband who was in law enforcement, I wanted so much to be a part of his life purpose that I attempted several times to get a job in law enforcement. Each time I failed. With my current marriage I have done the same. Most recently asking to work from home doing some of the work he does despite knowing I would find it boring and tedious.

Funny enough, I realized all of this as I was taking the trash bin to the curb this morning. lol It was just there like I always knew it. But with this realization was a recognition that I have judged myself harshly for wanting a partner and desiring fulfillment through partnership beyond what I have come to find thus far in my life. I saw it as a weakness and failing of mine. Even now I can see how I see it as “codependency” which to me is the ultimate weakness. Depending on another for my own fulfillment and happiness? The biggest failing of them all. Yet this particular partnership is NOT that, but to someone as young and inexperienced as me (yes still), viewed via the human experience it is limited, negative and destructive.

It is only recently that this draw for such a partnership has been intensely strong to the point of causing me internal turmoil. The turmoil is directly linked to my self-criticism. Rejecting the Truth of myself, my journey, my path because at some point I saw it as “wrong” or maybe just gave up on it because it never materialized.

Have you ever done that? Given up on something you felt to be true because the external world never validated its existence?

In recognizing this Truth has been with me my entire life but that I gave up on it to the point of rejecting it as part of me was quite a realization to come all at once. It was like, “Oh my God. What if of all the things in my life this is the most important and I have been rejecting it the entire time?” And I knew in that moment that it was okay for me to accept this Truth about myself. There is nothing wrong with the feeling, the scene that I saw/felt/Knew for myself as my life and purpose. In this feeling is such a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment that in rejecting it I have squelched my own Light.

How does all this come from the dream experiences I had last night? I have no idea but I am in near tears over it right now. My heart is blazing and I am thinking, “Oh crap.” lol This comes from finally embracing the feeling and Knowing that there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with knowing my purpose is what it is despite it not fitting in with what I was taught was “right and wrong”. There is nothing wrong with this feeling which says to me, “Yes you can be happy and fulfilled.” I want to laugh at how I tried all these years to make my relationships into the partnership I knew existed but just had not found yet. I recognize that I will not feel fulfilled and accomplished in my life until I find that partnership. Anything else, any substitute, will only result in more of the same. A complete lack of fulfillment resulting from failure after failure.

The “oh crap” part is in recognizing what this breakthrough in understanding of myself could mean for me. There are still a lot of unknowns and unknowns can be scary. I don’t know what the “mutual purpose” is specifically but I am certain it is spiritual in nature. There is nothing that brings me more joy than to think that I could work in partnership with my soulmate on spiritual projects. This is my ideal and there is nothing wrong with it. The question is, will it happen? Is it even possible? And if so, how will I get from where I am now to where I want to be?


There is no Why, It Just IS

Good morning! Hope you are all feeling well and ready to start your day with a smile. 🙂

No, I didn’t have any amazing OBEs or spiritual experiences last night. I don’t recall having a “meeting” with my Council or traveling to other dimensions. In fact, I really don’t remember much of anything from dreamtime. It was a normal day and a normal night. Nothing spectacular, nothing horrendous.

This does not mean I didn’t notice the bombing in Manchester. My prayers go out to the families affected and the nation as a whole as they try and figure out “why” such horrible acts of terrorism continue to occur in their country and the world as a whole.

The reason I am in a good mood and feeling such relief has to do with a question posed to me as I awoke this morning. A simple question asking me to reflect on the similarities between dreams and waking reality. The questions my guidance asks of me are always simple yet the answers to them quite profound in their effect on me.

What Preceded the Question

When I awoke my thoughts went to a specific situation that continues to haunt me. It follows me throughout the day and often comes up in my dreams. I can’t rid myself of it and can’t figure out why – why certain events happened, why I can’t move past it, why, why, why. In other words, I am stuck in a “why?”.

I am a problem solver by nature. I thrive on solving problems and am good at it. My mind is analytical by nature. I can’t help it – Leo sun, Sag moon and Aquarius rising (I blame the air sign for it, though lol). Therefore, I am at my best when put into situations where there is a problem to resolve. I excel at figuring out the “why” in all situations, my own and others. My favorite is solving other people’s problems, though they don’t always want me to or like it when I do.

So, when I encounter a situation where I can’t answer why it happened I get frustrated. In my mind, there has to be a “why” and if there isn’t then it must be because I am doing something wrong. No answer = my fault or failing. Eventually, when no answer is found I fall into apathy and grief. I accept that I failed, that I must have missed something important and that my grade is a big fat “F”.

When I woke this morning there was a certain clarity that I have often awakened with concerning this particular issue. I felt acceptance and relief momentarily but not before I also recognized that this feeling did not match the unresolved situation. My mind went into overdrive thinking, “Wait. This is wrong. I have to know the “why” and haven’t found it.” Then the feelings of apathy and grief came in but not like usual. They were in the background as if to be noticed but not fully felt.

The Question

That’s when the teachable moment presented itself, though I didn’t realize it at the time. My guidance came through and said, “Think about your dreams.”

The last dream of the evening came to me suddenly and I went through it scene by scene. It was a dream about a party where my husband was suppose to mow (reevaluation is needed) the lawn but disappeared. I went looking for him, walking through very tall grass (reliability) flooded with water (emotion). I walked past a recently watered garden (spiritual/inner growth) that was wilting and mostly dead (neglect) and found him working on the mower (keep up appearances), fixing it. I continued past him.

I never saw the lawn mowed. Instead I jumped to another scene. I had gotten into a car and was driving down a four lane highway through a mountain overpass. I could see the cliffs on either side towering over me, rugged mountains in the distance and the blue sky high above. I remember thinking as I was driving, “Where am I going? Why am I doing this?” The answer I gave myself was, “I don’t know and I don’t care. I am just driving.” Thoughts entered wondering about my husband and family. “What will they think?” I was worried about their reaction. My response was, “It will be okay. I can turn around at any time. There are exits all along the road. There is one just over the hill and one after that.” Note: One of the first things my husband told me this morning was, “I need to mow the lawn this weekend. The grass is getting too tall.” HA!

This entire dream came to mind and I thought nothing of it because it seemed to have nothing to do with anything.

Then my guidance asked me, “Does it mean anything?” I said, “No.” But then I understood. It was like a flood of memory came to me. Perhaps we had been discussing this all night?

The word “meaning” seemed to echo in my mind. Then I had the ah-ha moment. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything? Maybe there is no “why”?


It Just IS

I didn’t linger in bed very long after that. It was clear to me. When we dream do we spend hours, days, months even, contemplating the dream, wondering about it’s meaning or the “why” of it? No. I might spend a couple of hours at most but then my attention goes elsewhere and I usually forget about it. Yet in this waking reality when we have an experience we can spend years trying to figure out the meaning of it. We get stuck in the “why” of it, assuming it must have a purpose or meaning to us. Sometimes we have an experience and even think it must be telling us that we need to follow a certain path or do something we may not normally do. It must be a “sign”. It must have a “purpose”.

Going back to dreams….say you have one of those dreams where you wake up and you think, “Wow! I need to write that down. That was an awesome dream!” Have you ever had one of those dreams? A dream where you lived an entire lifetime in one night? It is so real, so vivid, and so exhilarating that you might write it down or tell someone about it. But do you talk about it for days or weeks….years after? No. It’s unlikely that you do.

Why? <——hahaha yes I’m asking that.

How are your dreams any different from your waking reality?

They’re not. Your perspective is different. In dreamtime we experience only to experience. In waking life we experience only to experience but the big variable here is that we FORGET we are here to experience for the sake of experience alone. We assign value to everything. There are so many “reasons”, so many “fixations” and Time is created, slowing down the experience. Yet, the reality is that that 8 hour lifetime you dreamed the other day is no different than the 80 year lifetime you are currently experiencing. And when you “wake up” from this 80 year lifetime dream you will think exactly the same way you think when you wake up from the 8 hour dream. You will think, “Wow! That was some dream! I need to write that down!” Then you will move on to another experience with little thought of the previous one. You might have made a decision, though. Most likely it was, “I want to do that again but this time I will do this….” Or you might think, “I’ve had enough of that, let’s try this now.”

It’s like when you ride a roller coaster. Do you contemplate the ride when you get off, trying to figure out some deeper, hidden meaning to it? Not likely (if you do, then I can’t help you). You likely feel high, excited, thrilled from the experience. You might say, “That was awesome! Let’s do it again!” Or if it was a bit too much, you might take a break and avoid that ride. But then you move on and there is barely a thought about it later except to maybe relive the thrill in your memory at a later date.

In the part of my dream where I found myself on the highway in the mountains I went through a question answer session with myself. I wondered “Why?” and the answer was simple: “I don’t know and I don’t care. I am just driving.” This is acceptance of the experience in a nutshell. There was no need to contemplate the “why”. The only result in that would be delay and probably lots of emotional upset. Who needs that? Why not just enjoy the experience of the journey? When it’s all over, that will be all you take with you anyway. The other stuff is just baggage. A distraction. The only question that you should be asking yourself is this: Do I want to do that again? Your answer determines the next experience.

So that brings us to the current experience: What about your life experience do you wish to repeat? What do you wish to not repeat? The answers you get determine your next experience. You answer these questions all the time in your thoughts and actions, you just may not realize it. When you choose to remain in an experience you do not like you are choosing to repeat it whether you realize it consciously or not. There is something about the experience you still find enjoyable, some part of the current “ride” you want to experience again.

Sometimes we have an experience that shakes us to our core. We may not want to return to it just yet. We may need a “break”. I am reminded of an actual roller coaster I got on once. It was one of those wooden ones and my experience was anything but pleasant. It shook so much that it made my insides feel like they were shaken up. When I got off I knew I would never get on that ride again. However, another ride I got on took tons of courage on my part. I believe it was called the Cliffhanger. It was one of those rides that dropped you from 8 stories up. For some reason the thought of the ride freaked me out but I eventually tried it. Afterwards I was so exhilarated from it that I think I got on it four or five more times. I couldn’t get enough.

It just goes to show that what you think an experience is may not be what it turns out to be. You won’t know unless you try it. That wooden roller coaster I got on, the one that shook me up so much, I had been on before when I was younger and it didn’t do that. It was fun. Yet for some reason, 20 years later, it literally hurt to ride it.

We change. Circumstances change. Just because an experience was exhilarating and worthwhile before doesn’t mean it will always be. It just means we have learned the lesson and it’s time to try a new one. For me, I had to literally be in pain to not ride that ride again. Sometimes life is that way, too.

How much “pain” is needed to get you to try the next ride?

I think I am going to kick my guides butts the next time I see them. Did you catch that last part? But they are SO right to ask it. I know that for me the “ride” has to be painful or shake me up for me to decide I am done with it. Sigh. I’m such a glutton for punishment. It reminds me of something a friend told me not long ago. He said something like, “As long as you are comfortable, you won’t leave.” Yep. It has to be uncomfortable. Painful even. Or does it?






Signs, Messages and Triggers

This is my life
I can choose to accept it
Or I can struggle against it
Whatever I choose is no mistake
But a choice that can be changed
At any time

I have options
though they are limited
by the contracts I’ve agreed to
Sometimes the option outcomes
differ little from one another
It matters not

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Blessed if I do, blessed if I don’t.

It’s all about perspective.

Current Messages and Connections


Quote from Sense8, season 2: “I’m slowly dying of survival.” This quote resonated with me. It came from episode 6 when one of the sense8’s mentioned how he had been in hiding for 30 years and, though he was surviving, it was a life devoid of meaning or purpose.

Images of Sky

These pictures were taken yesterday on a short road trip to a small town East of where I live. On the way home the sky began to look like gray ocean waves. I was mesmerized by the beauty of it, though, and did not consider it a bad omen. However, I can see how it reflects the emotional state I’ve been in this year. It has often felt like I am drowning.

4/22-4/24 and 12/17

These dates were given to me in the in-between a couple of nights ago. I am not sure of the significance of them but so far 4/22 has me in a very contemplative state. It seems like the past is repeating itself and I am being asked to consider how I want to handle this repetition. I was informed that a meeting will take place on the 23rd, but I am not sure what kind or what for. The 24th has been showing up as significant and connected to the Mayan calendar. However, I was told this is the first day of the last of three sections of the Equinox Portal in the month of May.

As for the 12/17 date, it has been given to me twice now. A friend from Shasta who is an astrologer said this about the December date:

The night of the 17th we have a new Moon conjunct the galactic center setting the tone for a powerful expansive month ahead. This is on the cusp of Saturn entering his own sign Capricorn on the 19th beginning a profound power surge for the next 2 to 3 years. The 17th may be a “meeting” or counsel of the galactics upstairs in preparation for the huge shift that begins on the 19th.

Blinking Aura

Message received two nights ago about my aura was that it was blinking like a strobe light. It caused a reaction in me because I have seen this aura phenomena in people who are nearing and very close to death. My grandfather was one of them. I watched as he went OOB and then would return to the body over and over again. I believe the “blinking” or flashing of the aura that appears much like a strobe light is due to this in/out of body state. However, I have found that others believe it to mean that one’s angels are very close, which could also be true. I have let the message be for now as I am unconcerned one way or the other.

Let Thine Will Be Mine

Received last week and repeated this morning. The message is to allow whatever is to happen, to happen. To trust that I am where I need to be and not assign value or worth to any one experience over the other. They are all equally important and necessary for this journey. Each experience offers its own lesson, its own value, if only I look to find it.

My reaction is mixed. I understand but am furious at the same time. I’m being asked to Trust regardless of what is thrown my way, to accept the good and bad equally. Easy when it’s all “good”, not so much when it turns “bad”. Currently I feel like I have already lived the best part of my life. To live the rest of my life with this ache in my heart is the equivalent of hell to me. My burden to bear alone for the rest of this lifetime. How do I Trust and Allow that?


Signs from Nature

Firefly –  Landed on the door in front of me in broad day light. Message: Illumination.

Butterfly – Saw a purple Swallowtail butterfly. Thought, “I want him to come see me.” He flew directly toward me, flew around my head for a while, and then flew off. Message: Transformation.

Raccoon – Came to visit a few weeks ago. First time I’ve seen one since moving here in 2014. Last night I had a dream of a dead raccoon hanging up in a garage by a noose. Message: Let go.

Familiar Feeling

The way I am feeling currently takes me back to the year I entered into the darkest part of my Dark Night of the Soul. Back then I felt much as I do now – betrayed, misled and disillusioned. I realized at a later date that the reason for all the upheaval in my life during my Dark Night was because I was unwilling to accept the truth of the situation. I was full of resistance to the point of rebellion. At the time the message I could not accept was that the time was not right for what I wanted and I was to move in another direction while I waited until the time was right. It took me a while to fall into acceptance. Life actually forced me into various upsetting events but once I fell into acceptance things shifted and a path opened up to me. I ended up on a “detour” for 7 years before the timing was right and my spiritual path opened up again to me.

Apparently, “the time is not right” again. I can choose to rebel and resist or I can just allow the path ahead to open up. It seems obvious what I should do but I can’t help but feel outrage at the unfairness of it all. I seem always to be waiting in this life and then, when things finally get good, they last for only a moment and I am waiting again. The “good” times are so few and so fleeting in comparison. For example, after my first awakening I had maybe three good years (1 really exciting one) and then was back to waiting. The wait was 7 years! Three years have passed (2014-2017) with one very exciting and eventful year (2016) and now it looks like I am to wait again. How long? Most likely years. I can’t stand it. I am not patient. Never have been. Knowing a long wait is ahead is excruciating. I want to throw a really, really big tantrum, cross my arms across my chest, turn my back on my guidance and make them pay by following the destructive path (yeah insane right?).  But I know such tantrums only result in more pain on my part. I can go along peacefully or face the consequences.

I’ve been going in and out of insanity for a few weeks now. I will have moments of complete clarity followed by full-on resistance and emotional chaos. I’m super triggered by the events of my life, by people in my life, by memories that surface….everything triggers me. I’m like a bomb waiting to go off and when I explode it’s not pleasant.

Yesterday I woke in complete acceptance and balance. This morning I woke up cussing out my guidance and asking for an “opt out”. This has gotten their attention at least. We’ll see if some revisions can be made. Of course it’s likely when we have our “meeting” I will be the balanced, cooperative me and nothing will be altered at all. I’ll get a pat on the back, congratulations and a job well-done followed up with a “You can do this”.  I’ll be full of love, smiles, and agreement like I usually am when OOB. Big sigh.



Anxiety Issues

Another reprieve this morning. No tears. However, yesterday I had a sudden, low blood sugar induced panic attack at the gym. I nearly passed out in the midst of exercising! It was super scary, more than the other times. After this incident I had a headache and felt off for a good three hours.

In considering these scary events I’ve concluded that it is the gym environment that is to blame. I exercise with the same or greater intensity at home and have not once – ever – experienced what happens to me at the gym. In fact, I have exercised with even less food in my system and not had any issue. Yet for some reason at the gym I suffer these “attacks”. What exactly it is about the gym is hard to say. Likely it is the energy of other people combined with the drive home that contributes. My mind goes into “what if” mode inducing the panic and from there it snowballs. Yesterday my thoughts preceding the incident were, “I haven’t eaten enough today. I should have stayed home.” Followed by memories of previous incidents and worries over passing out in a public place. Within a minute of these thoughts my heart rate skyrocketed and I began to lose my vision. So it wasn’t the low blood sugar in and of itself that was the cause.

Anxiety/panic is not a normal for me, but at one point in my spiritual journey I suffered from panic attacks quite frequently. In the early stages, right after I began meditating consistently, I sometimes had panic attacks while meditating and would often wake up with them. These were so bad I literally thought I was dying from a heart attack – chest pains, shortness of breath, pounding heart – the works. Later, from 2011-2013, when I was suffering from major insomnia, I would have panic attacks while driving home from work. Those are super scary! Yesterday, after making it home, the panic remained for a couple of hours and I experienced a similar anxiety to an episode in 2012 where it felt like I was leaving my body via my crown. It is not a typical fainting feeling but more like being sucked upward with such velocity that it terrifies me. I really, really hate it.

Yesterday left me feeling very shaky and concerned. So, I think I will be avoiding the gym for a while, maybe permanently. 😦


You would think after such a busy afternoon that I would be exhausted come evening. Well, I was, but I slept super light and woke frequently. I have been awake since 5am. Throughout the night I had vivid dreams.

I spent most of the night traveling by airplane (rising to a new level). In one instance I was in line to buy a ticket (new start) to South America (resolution of conflict). I was with a group discussing my options. They wanted me to join them but I was hesitant. I didn’t want to leave my children, specifically my middle child and oldest son. What is funny is that I swear we were in India. This dream lasted the entire first part of the night and left me feeling split between my spiritual family and my Earth family.

In the next dream I was actually in an airplane traveling home. I decided mid-flight that I wanted to go to a Disney (seeking happiness) theme park and was looking up the locations across the world. I found one in Wisconsin of all places. On a whim I decided to visit. I arrived almost as soon as I made the decision. This “Disney” was not a theme park but more of an aquarium exhibiting sea life. I recall picking up a toy sea turtle (emotionally reserved) while there.

On my way home I realized I lost my debit card (careless, concerned about security) and went into a panic. I had to buy another ticket and recall calming down when I realized I had a credit card and cash. Yet the anxiety “woke” me up and I spent what seemed like hours in the in-between trying to figure out where my debit card was. lol

I entered yet another dream where I was a child (inner child) in a library (seeking knowledge). I recall seeing myself wearing a skirt hiked up enough to reveal my underwear (femininity). Then I was on the floor using a piece of chalk to write a message to myself. I can’t recall the whole message but it said something about a meeting on Thursday. I had thought it was Tuesday but changed it last minute. Later, I erased it to not get in trouble by the librarian but a little girl came by and said, “So you are meeting on Tuesday?” I said, “No, Thursday the 18th.”

Then I was in a bedroom sitting at a double desk. On the left I saw a dying beetle (end of destructive influences) on its back, legs still twitching. I told my sister that since it was on her side of the desk that she had to dispose of its body. I was told by a guide later that it was upsetting to her to have to kill it and I saw her flushing it down the toilet.

When I finally awoke the message about the meeting came to mind suddenly. I thought, “Today is Thursday the 18th.” Yet I recall that the dream was referring to next week because I remember seeing it on the calendar. I also know that Tuesday is accurate and in checking the date it coincides with the message about the 23rd I received recently. As I mulled this over I received a vivid vision that shocked me into full wakefulness. My Companion presented me with a brilliantly colored hot air balloon (elevation, rising above depression) whose basket was filled to the brim with brightly colored balls (wholeness).

I couldn’t go back to sleep after that.

It appears that next week will be an eventful one for me.


Grateful to my guidance for allowing me a full day’s reprieve from the emotional waterfall I’ve been experiencing this month. May is really kicking my butt! I was told we entered another section of the Equinox Portal on May 15th. My daughter’s birthday no less! How fitting! This section will go until the 24th when we will enter the third and final section of the month of May.

I am told the current section is all about learning to “BE”. When I request more info I get an image of a great waterfall – picture Niagara Falls. We are standing at the top and must get to the bottom. The only way down is to jump into the raging water. What happens when one finds themselves caught up in the rapids? They allow the water to take them. That’s what it means to “Be” this time. We don’t do anything really but hang on until its over. Reacting, struggling, attempting to swim amidst the rapids will only force us further under the water. We have to be rag dolls; limp, motionless, unresponsive.

For me at least the waterfall image is fitting. I was forewarned of such a period months ago in a vivid dream. I saw the waterfall but stopped at the top and took a break. Now it seems I am in the midst of it struggling not to be overtaken by it. What happens when we get to the bottom? Rest, I hope. I could use a break. The word that comes to mind, though, is “waterlogged”.


My dreams are becoming more and more memorable the further into May we get. I bring back with me an entire night’s worth most mornings. This morning I woke in tears again but the dream and what was being processes made sense when in the past the dreams did not match the emotion that surfaces.

In this particular dream I was working with a few others acting as their counselor. Everyone looked human but there was a group that were obviously not human. They were referred to as “robots” on more than one occasion. The reason for this name was that they had no social skills, no ability to read the facial expressions of another, to read emotion or to perceive the intent of others. Additionally, they seemed to have no emotion of their own, caring not how their actions affected others.

My own emotion surfaced when I worked with a couple. Neither were robots yet in their hundreds of years together (obviously through various incarnations) they had developed a pattern of repressed emotion. I was working with the feminine energy helping her to contact the emotion she had somehow buried in order to protect herself. I observed their interaction and saw the source and interjected, asking the woman questions to make her inspect the pattern she was repeating. When she did this she began to cry because what was ultimately contacted was love for her partner. Hundreds of years of repression broke the dam in her heart causing the love to hit her like a flood, overwhelming her and literally knocking her to her knees.

When she cried, I cried. And as I woke I understood that the woman was me. That she represented the current feminine energy and the repression of hundreds – thousands – of years of emotion. I saw clearly how the hardening of the feminine heart affected the masculine. It is as if a wall of disconnection and lack has been built between them.

The Dam Has Been Broken

This time the tears did not last long as I understood the source and the reason for all the emotion I have been experiencing. My heart has been blasted so wide open that, despite my trying, I have been unable to close it. In my upset at recognizing this I begged my guidance to shut it down again and was told, “It’s too late” and reminded of when they told me there was no turning back. The result of this openness is the flood of emotion I am experiencing. The dam has been broken and I can’t put it back.

I know I need to be the Observer in this, but this intensity of emotion is so much that I am flattened by it almost immediately. There is no way to just observe this emotion. I have to experience it, confront it, transmute it. It is not just one emotion, either, but a amalgamation of emotion. It would be easier if it were just one emotion at a time, but nope, I get a cocktail of them all. This must be why I keep getting references to drinking and being drunk. Ha!

What is interesting to me is that the feeling of this amalgamation of emotion is very much like the feeling of Divine Love I felt when my heart was first blasted open. It has the same flavor, the same intensely beautiful and simultaneously terrifying quality about it. Perhaps I am getting a crash course on Divine Love? Perhaps this love not at all what I thought it to be?

I am also seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I can survive this. I will survive it. When I plead for mercy, I receive it. This is no punishment, it is merely a process I need to go through. I am fully supported and loved and when I pull myself out of panic mode I feel the love and support.

And in these brief interludes I feel a peculiar feeling that is hard to describe. It is akin to peace but that isn’t the word because I have felt peace and this is different. The feeling is balanced but with it there is surreal almost drugged feeling that comes over me. If I focus on the feeling it seems that I am not even in this reality at all but teetering between realities; walking a tight rope. On one side is this physical reality and my identification with it and on the other is nothingness – a place where I have no identity but am One with Source. If I touch the nothingness I become nothing. I lose my individuality and my memories of this life seem to shatter. The nothingness side of the tightrope is so disorienting that I feel if I fall into it I will never return.







A Lesson on Choice

Lately I have come to receive guidance in the form of quick “downloads” unlike the downloads I have experienced in the past. They are super fast, seamlessly streaming information in the form of complete Knowingness that comes into my Being and then seems to have always been there. It is as if the download is not a download at all but more of an activation of cellular memory. The experience of it is hard to describe but one minute I am without memory and the next filled with it. Then I am left to process what I now Know, which is not always easy considering the information does not come in words.

What I am noticing with increasing frequency is that when these activations of memory occur they are received as instructions. Let me clarify – There is no one telling me I am to do anything. Quite the opposite. It is more of an urgency toward certain action that results. This is not a compulsion, either. I have felt compelled in the past, so I know that is not what the feeling is. It is more of a soul guidance, something that stems from the core of my very Being.

After yesterday’s messages I spent most of my day viewing a potential future path from the vantage point of the Observer. What is interesting to me is that although this future path has many unknowns, unknowns that would normally scare me, I felt no trepidation whatsoever. My viewpoint was and still is that I am willing to experience anything and so as such there is no fear, expectation, anticipation or otherwise connected to this potential future and all avenues it could take.

By the end of the day I was reminded that I am not without choice in the matter of my life and my future. Though I may have this soul guidance occurring, I can still choose. So, I announced that I preferred to keep things as they are, that I am happy with how they are and that I feel the choice outcomes would be more beneficial to all in the long-run. I fell asleep happy and quite content with my decision, too.



My dreams last night indicate that I was mulling over my decision. I had a long dream where I was searching for my car (life path), the Prius (current life path), and could not find it. Someone stole it (feel like the path is being taken away) and another car was being presented to me as mine (new direction). A black sports type car (the unknown). I was rejecting it and upset that my Prius was gone.

In another dream I went on a date with a portly young man still in high school. I was aware that I was way older than him but that they all believed I was 18. Their house was interesting. They had two sets of fences (barriers) inside their living area (family). The fence was partial and in the way. I also recall a part of the dream where I was taking 2-liter bottles of soda that were attached at the middle and cutting them in half (disconnecting from a part of myself). I then put cellophane over the one on the left and stuck it into a deep freeze (suppression). I never drank the one on the right.

Then there was a dream where I was at this farm house. There were tall, chain link fences around it (feeling fenced in) but I could get in and out at certain openings (only certain exits). I watched as the owner and his family harvested their crop – ginger (security and comfort). It was in rows (feeling reserved). The plant itself looked like tall grass (reliance, security). Cows (dependence and family) came after and ate the ginger. I remember wondering why they would let cows eat their crop like that.

Still yet in another dream I had driven to the beach (transition between spiritual/physical) and parked. I ended up in the water (emotion) and a wave came and washed me out toward a small waterfall (letting go). I went under the water where I saw clearly hundreds of small, starfish (decisions) shaped sponges (over dependency on others). They were pink and sparkled (attractive to me). When I touched them though they shocked me horribly (sudden awareness) and so I tried to avoid them. Someone was talking to me while I swam showing me where to go to avoid being shocked. When I made it to the surface there was a man waiting. I found that he had taken my white convertible (power) for a joy ride. He left all my stuff, though, even a large amount of cash (quest for love/power). He had a convertible of his own only it was black (unknown path). I remember climbing into it (making a choice) and asking why he didn’t take my stuff and being very firm with him about his decision to steal my car.


When I awoke I had an odd feeling that is hard to describe. I then saw a vision of a ticket, like to go to a show. The end tab was torn, so the ticket was “validated”. The ticket itself said, “Skyrocket” and had an image of a rocket taking off. When I saw it I knew the message was I was about to skyrocket. For some reason I did not see this as a positive message but as more of a fateful one. I knew that despite my deciding to stick with the life I have, to enjoy it and the security it offered, things were about to shift and the direction they would take me would propel me with great velocity.

It seems that the message is, “Yes you always have a choice but sometimes the choice is already made for you by your Self. In such cases the self has little or no say in the events that follow. The choice then is to resist or allow. So in this sense there is choice, though it may not seem so.

The message continued with:

This life experience is a joint effort between Self and self. The Self is the path-paver. The self then walks the paved path, partaking in what the path has to offer along the way. The self perceives as it chooses. It creates the weather, chooses the pit stops and the company it keeps. The Self then adjusts the path it is paving to accommodate the self’s choices because sometimes the self wanders in circles or ends up going backward. In such cases a “dead end” will be constructed and other detours created to get the self back on the desired path. In a sense, the self can seem to be blindfolded in that it does not always see the path it is on as it was paved. This is where perception comes into play. If the Self has good working control of the self, as it should, there will be no blindfold but a good sense of where the path is and how to follow it.

You might think that I would wake in a bad mood because of a message like this. It seems to be saying, “Sorry, but you really have no say in this matter. The path has been chosen and now you get to walk it.” In the past I may have argued this with great gusto, saying, “You wanna bet? I will show you!” Ha!

Now I am more like, “Okay. I understand. I see my options clearly. I can choose to avoid, resist, and complicate the path ahead. Or I can choose to allow and follow it to where it leads me. I know that I may not like what lies ahead. I know that the path is likely to take me through desolate territory, through rugged terrain and into uncharted territory. I also know that it will take me through fields of green, snow topped mountains and beautiful beaches. The good thing is that the path has been paved and so I don’t have to worry about it being there. I can trust that it is. This is a huge relief. I don’t have to figure it all out by myself. All I have to do is follow what is already there.”