My family went out to my mom’s for dinner last night. It turned out very well and was a nice evening. When I got home and was winding down to sleep, I was going over the night’s events, thinking of my mom, and suddenly began to imagine telling her things I should’ve when I was there. I often do this, going over past and even future moments and how I could enhance them by saying or doing things differently. So, I was telling my mom some things I think she needed to hear. I said to her (in my mind), “Mom, I’m so proud of you! You’re a good mom. You’ve done really good as my mom in this life.” Interestingly, I had a sudden flash of what I can only describe as memory when I wondered to myself, “Why did I want to say that to mom?”
The memory was of a visual from above of a young women who was very distraught. She was saying to herself, “I’m not a good mother. I want to be a good mother…” I could feel everything she was feeling. Then I heard myself say to her, “You’ll be okay. I’ll help you.” I don’t know if she actually heard me or not.
The memory was so quick that I almost didn’t think anything of it, but there was a sense in my heart that it was something that actually happened. I believe I witnessed my mother at some point in her youth, maybe after the birth of my older sister, and answered her call for help. My intention being to come down and help her be “a good mother” because she was so distraught and struggling with the difficult task ahead, specifically with my sister who was a colicky child. My mom has told me horror stories of her time as a brand new mother with a colicky baby who seemed to never stop crying. My dad would be off working and she would be alone, in an unfamiliar city (they were in New Jersey), a new mother, with no family around for support. She told me about her struggles and how, at that time, she had visions of throwing her baby (my older sister) against the wall just so the crying would stop. She was exhausted and needed help but had none.
I had a between life memory years ago in an OBE where I was in “heaven” in front of a curved screen going through what my life would be. I remember feeling “called” down to Earth after the birth of my older sister. The feeling was absolutely inescapable. I was going “down” and was nervously apprehensive. I wonder now if part of the call I answered was witnessing the struggle my mom was going through and somehow seeing her struggle solidified my decision to incarnate?
Regardless, it seemed like my imagined conversation with my mom at bedtime unlocked a deeper reason for me being in this life, one that helps me better understand the relationship I have with my mom. We’ve always had a strong connection.
I was a good baby according to her – quiet, content, and super easy compared to my older sister. Maybe I was that way to show her that mothering could be enjoyable, easy and natural?
I also recognized when I stopped feeling like my mom and sister were “safe”. A memory came to mind from when I was around 7-8 yrs old. I remember both of them coming into the bathroom and my mom telling my sister to help her hold me down over the toilet. Then my mom put soap in my mouth (Irish Spring, I can still taste it) and literally “washed” it out, reminding me not to say bad words. I have no idea what bad words I said but I do remember feeling completely betrayed by both of them. What was the worst part is that they were both laughing at my distress. So, my guess is that when the two of them are together I go on alert and am super suspicious of being betrayed again. That is how I am. When my trust is broken it is nearly impossible for the person to win it back.
We’ve been busy here for the last few weeks with a birthday (my youngest turned 10 on Easter), an eclipse and clearing the land. It seems like nearly every day something came up, either planned or unplanned. I’ve just been trying to keep up and get as much rest and downtime to myself as possible in between.
The eclipse was uneventful here. We had about 2 minutes of totality which came and went really fast. It was overcast, so me and the kids went about our normal day assuming we would not get to see much, if any, of the eclipse. Strangely enough, the clouds parted during totality. Ha! I got some nice shots with my new camera using a filter and even took a video but my dog was barking hysterically during totality thinking it was time to play.
I don’t recall any energetic shifts or spiritual events the days before, during or after the eclipse. It was, all-in-all, very uneventful and I didn’t think of it as awe-inspiring any more than the partial eclipse last summer. Regardless, it was cool to witness.
For me, our new land is more awe-inspiring. Every time I go there I am filled with gratitude and awe at the splendor and beauty of the place. I am also constantly reminded that I manifested it and will continue to manifest what I want it to become. To know in my heart that all will fall in line and I will get everything I desire causes me to choke up. I usually have to wipe tears from my eyes each trip there. Plus, nature loves to give me gifts when I am there.
For example, remember the turkey vultures? Well, I was clearing out an old shed in preparation for tearing it down when I heard an odd noise. It sounded like a cat growling or some kind of tiny animal warning me to stay away. When I looked up, I saw a tiny, white fluffball. A baby turkey vulture! It was hissing and growling and stomping its little foot to keep me away. So cute! Needless to say, we are not tearing down the shed until well after it has left the nest.
The baby vulture and its parents symbolize death and rebirth. Not only does this apply to the land but also to myself and my family. My children have all discovered the joy of fishing now and look forward to trip to the land. My husband has found new purpose and even made new friends. It brings me joy to see their joy. We are healing. The land is healing us.
I have also seen many wild ducks on our pond. Some are black with yellow bills and others are brown. They usually stay pretty far away from me, but just recently one came pretty close and I was able to get a video of it. I wish I’d had my new camera to get a good picture of it, but I only had my phone, so no picture – yet. I will get one eventually!
We’ve had an excavator on the property all week and Thursday we were able to check on progress. It has transformed so much! The excavator allows us to not only remove all the piles of junk scattered around the property but also remove any undergrowth and unwanted trees. When before we couldn’t see the pond from the mobile home, now there is a clear view of it.
This weekend is the last two days of having the excavator so we will likely use it to clear other parts of the property and level the land that will eventually be the road to the home site. I have decided to move the home further up the hill for a better view of the pond. The land is more level and closer to the existing septic tank.
What a long weekend! This was the second weekend we’ve been at the new property working to clean, clear and prepare the land and home.
Friday and Saturday was junk removal. When they arrived they cleared the mobile home very quickly. It was almost an entire trailer load! They returned the next day and got another two loads from there. There is more, still, but progress is being made. Below is an image of just one of the loads of junk that was removed.
We met the neighbors (my husband had introduced himself when we first saw the land) and they offered to help. They are very nice. The wife is close to my age, the husband is 63 and already retired. They also have a pond and have really created a wonderful space. They have several cabins dotting the area with a pavilion, kitchen/bathroom area and stage for live bands. They use it once a year for a family reunion. I got a tour and it was impressive, exactly what my mom wants her property to be but sadly probably will never create.
The husband is quite handy and built his own home. He owns a backhoe (or something close, I am not familiar with the name) and said he would be open to using it to help us. He and his wife even came over with their two riding lawnmowers and mowed a good portion of our land. The husband, Randy, mowed paths all over our property – to the pond, the the other buildings, along the fence and road. They also have a stocked pond and said our boys could fish and swim anytime. Since our pond is still not giving any fish (they are there but not biting I’m sure) I took the boys there and, after some coaxing since they are impatient, got them catching fish. Both are now super exciting about fishing and want to go back as soon as they can to fish some more. lol Both of my boys caught more fish than me and bigger ones even! There are bass, crappie, catfish and bluegill in abundance. They stock it and feed their fish often. They let us take some of the fish we caught to put into our pond. We are going to stock ours some point because we/they think our otters are eating up our fish.
The beehives are on the property now, too. We have eight and the beekeeper was very nice and navigated to our land without issue. I haven’t seen the hives yet because he asked us to not go around them that day because they tend to be grumpy after being moved. I will look at them next weekend and take pics. The beekeeper did say the hives will not be there to make honey. He uses them exclusively to help landowners get ag exemption. He said he may give us some of his other honey but he had a rough season last year and took losses. We are fine with whatever. He is a very nice and knowledgeable man.
Anyway, the inside of the mobile home is completely cleaned out except for the stuff we opted to keep (construction supplies). It makes such a difference in the energy! My husband spent the entire first day fixing the water. First he fixed the intake from the pond. The previous owner told us the beavers have chewed off the floats in the past and so my husband swam out and, sure enough, no floats. The water was being sucked off the bottom of the pond which made it stink really bad. Once he fixed it the water was perfect! It was deceptive enough to cause us to almost accidentally drink it – oops! When the water was turned on to the home he discovered several leaks under that he fixed. I think there was 5 with one he has yet to fix because he thinks he might just need to do a full re-plumb of the whole home. He also got the hot water heater going. So we have running hot and cold water now that doesn’t smell like death! I am so, so thankful to my husband. The second bathroom is completely disconnected though. Also, while he was under the home he encountered a dead raccoon. It was freshly dead and huge! He and the boys buried it.
Friday night we stayed the night (with hot/cold, fresh water) and I, of course, was not tired. I was too excited about all the happenings of the day. When I did fall asleep I had an intense dream.
Dream: Mother Gaia
In the dream I was inside a bathroom with a heavy set woman. She asked for my help. She needed me to wipe her bum. She couldn’t reach it. I agreed, happy to help. When I wiped she winced. The poo had been there a while and she had “diaper rash”. I got her cleaned up and she was thankful. She then presented me with two DVDs or CDs saying they would help me. One was about Angels. I took it and told her thank you and hugged her. When I hugged her I could feel her voluptuousness wrap around me comfortingly. It felt like squishy blankets of love. I began to sob and sob, falling into her warm, squishy skin folds. The crying woke me and I continued to cry.
My guidance was there and I understood why I was crying. I am still recovering from so much loss. However, I knew this mobile home experience – clearing and fixing it up – was a physical representation of my healing process. I was reminded of many, many dreams I’ve had in the past of being in mobile homes with unsteady foundations (like this one) and full of junk. All pointing to me feeling unsafe and needing to de-clutter emotionally and spiritually. When I woke I told my husband, saying I think the entire process of clearing the home and land is helping me clear my own “junk” and that repurposing the home will also be therapeutic in that it will guide me through my own rebuilding process. He agreed saying he felt similarly.
The heavy set woman may have represented Gaia and her message was, “Heal the land and it will heal you.” Such love!
I was also told when I woke that “tomorrow” would be “magical”. I think it might be the day before the eclipse because I immediately thought of the Sunday before eclipse. How it will be magical, IDK. I did have a good day that morning, however, in that me and my boys had such a great fishing experience. Our neighbor, Sam (the wife), also seemed very interested in being around me. Her energy wasn’t needly or exhausting and we talked a while. When I told her about the land I almost started to cry and she understood because of her love for her land and her life. She says, “It’s heaven out here”. I told her I could tell before I even met her she was a very happy person. I heard her singing early in the morning as she gardened. When I was near her (she didn’t know I was there) I could sense she was genuine and good.
I also sense my husband is falling in love with the land. His connection with the neighbor, Randy, also shows promise. He is all about connecting with people and he and Randy get along really well. I could sense that my husband might actually end up wanting to live out there some day. This caused me to cry a little thinking how the land might help him, too. He needs it,
So, overall a great weekend!
Here are some recent photos of the property. The snake is a plain bellied water snake. He was living under the boat alongside a field mouse. Ha! The big tree is an ancient Elm. Isn’t it magnificent?
In January I was finally gifted with an opening from my husband. Of course, I took it and ran with it. He finally agreed to help me buy land!
You might wonder why I don’t just take the option of my family’s land. Well, it never seemed to want to materialize. It was one step forward, two steps back time and time again. The final straw being that my mom decided to give an acre to my sister and cousin/BIL. With them “building” (not sure how they will afford it) a dwelling on the property I was going to buy, I withdrew, recognizing (finally) the energies for me living out there again were not aligning and probably never would. Ultimately, my family land is still an option but it has major caveats and I am unwilling to compromise.
Once I decided to turn my back on that option completely, a door opened and progress was fast. I did my own search and found a promising property – 9.92 acres with a massive pond. When we went to look at it, my husband was so blown away that he stated right then and there, “This is it!” So, we made an offer and everything came together seamlessly.
On March 11th we closed on the property!
The land is located about a hour northeast of our family home and 50 minutes east from my family’s land. Unlike most of the area which is poor soil, limestone rock, stubby trees and prickly pear cactus, this place has fertile soil, tall grasses, and water aplenty. The pond is the jewel of the property, taking up the entire back pasture. It is spring fed, 21ft deep and looks more like a lake than a pond. The previous owner told us it has never run dry in the 20 years he’s lived there. The minute I saw the pond up close I was sold. It was exactly what I had envisioned when I thought of where I wanted to spend the rest of my days.
The drawback to the property is that the previous owner had left much trash and debris along with a 1997 single-wide mobile home in poor condition. The mobile home can be salvaged if we want, but I am uncertain still about it’s future. We might demolish it, burn what is flammable and sell what we can as scrap. We might remodel it. Or there is a final option of donating it to charity. We might also consider selling it, but being it is so far away, someone will have to pay quite a bit to move it.
The property currently has agricultural tax exemption meaning the property taxes are really low as long as the exemption is maintained. I have decided to lease some beehives to continue the ag exemption rather than try and put goats, cattle or some other high maintenance animal out there. I won’t be living there full-time for a while and bees are very hands-off. The lease includes all hive maintenance.
My plan is to build a small house/cabin by the pond to fulfill my vision. When it is complete, I plan to live there full-time for the rest of my life. It will take time, however, as my youngest is about to be 10 years old. So, in the meantime, it will be used as a retreat.
My husband is not planning on living out there. So, ultimately, this land provides us with a solution to our marriage problems both short-term and long-term. My boys absolutely love the land, so it gives them plenty of space to roam, fish, swim and camp whenever they feel the need. The land also gives me an out when it comes to my family, the family land and all the drama around my mother’s assets once she passes away. I am 100% okay with walking away from that mess and never looking back. I will happily sell off my portion of whatever I am given. And finally, the land offers me a creative outlet – designing and building a small house by the pond and creating the the kind of space I need to find clarity, peace and fulfillment.
Here are some pictures of the land. You can see the beautiful parts as well as the less than beautiful parts (trash and mobile home). There is also a turkey vulture in one picture. 🙂 You can see my husband and son on a small boat (conveyed with the property) in several pictures.
Below is a picture of the house I want to build by the pond. It was selected by my boys because it has sleeping lofts above the two bedrooms. I like it because of all the windows. Imagine them facing the pond. What a fantastic view!
Screenshot
While we wait for the house to be built, we will have our RV parked out there so that we can stay overnight comfortably. There is a brand new well on the property that needs to be finished (wired, holding tank and pump house). What is amazing to me is that the previous owner had a pump set up that pulled water from the pond. The water is filtered four times and pumped into the house! So, we will have water available from two sources. I always wanted a semi or fully off-grid home and having this alternative water option is really awesome!
I will update as things progress. Step one is the clear all the junk and figure out what to do with the mobile home.
Woke at 11am in tears from a dream and then went on to have what I feel is a premonition in a dream.
Dream: All is Love
Despite the intensity of this dream, because it was so early in the night, I don’t recall many specifics now.
I remember walking through an empty house. It reminded me of my mom’s house but also of other houses I’ve lived in throughout this lifetime. A man had come to visit me. I recognized him in the dream as someone I love dearly but cannot place him in this lifetime based upon looks alone. My response to his visit was to make him wait. I was busy, with life I guess. In the midst of my busyness something told me to turn around. When I did, I realized the man was about to leave. I ran up to him and he turned around to face me. In his eyes I saw that his feelings for me had changed. I said to him, “You don’t feel the same, do you?” He told me he did not. I asked him if he still loved me, my heart beginning to ache and tears forming in my eyes. He said he did not, but those weren’t his exact words. What he said was much more kind. I began to sob. An indescribable feeling spread from my chest outward. This is when I began to hear Clair de Lune playing in the background. The feeling was hurt and grief – an overwhelming pain and loss/decimation. He attempted to explain that this was the way of things here (in the physical). It was difficult for me to hear, though, as the pain was to the point that it woke me. The last thing I heard him say was, “Let it go.”
Still crying but wide awake, the explanation was presented again. I was shown a crystal. A pure, white light went into one side and out the other came a rainbow of color. The love I am seeking is the pure, white light. The love of the physical is the rainbow. Love in the physical is broken into the many emotions we experience here – love, hate, guilt, pain, passion, envy, fear, etc. What I am seeking is the unchanging love I am use to but the love I find, over and over again, is not that. I am finding a love that changes as all things change here in the physical. What else did I expect?
Premonition Dream: On Watch
I was in Montana in college. I remember going to class and giving the teacher a name that was not mine: Heather Heather. I remember telling this name to the teacher, laughing uncomfortably at how nonsensical it sounded. I sat in my desk thinking about the name and how it would make all the coursework I was doing invalid when it came time to graduate because the name wouldn’t match my transcripts.
I must have left the classroom because next I was in a car traveling through the streets of a familiar city in Montana. It made me happy to see all the natural beauty around me and I began to think of my ex-father-in-law and wondered if I should meet up with him. It was something I very much wanted to do.
The scene shifted and I was with my father-in-law. He and I had gone on a hike. I heard/Knew of a young female student who had shown great promise and was now a professor at the university. She excelled in the study of plate tectonics. I saw a visual of her working over a map, using a device to sketch potential earthquakes in Montana. I saw her draw two circles, one very much in the west and the other to the east of that point. I heard, saw and even wrote her name, but all I recall now is the initials C.S.
There was a brief portion of the dream where I spoke with this seismologist. I asked her where the most recent earthquake was and she said, “Kalispell”. I told her I would avoid the town and then mentioned how many more people are likely to live there now. She then showed me the eastern location of a second earthquake. I felt forewarned.
Next, I was taken by my FIL to a dirt road. In the road had been dug four square holes. Inside was placed devices to measure the movement of the earth. There were also sign-in sheets near the holes. This is when I signed the name with the initials C.S.
Then my father-in-law took me on a drive to another location. As we drove down a seemingly remote road the trees opened up to a small, circular town. We got out and went on a hike up the mountain. My father-in-law said his hands were cold and asked if I could warm them. I let him put his hands in my pockets with mine and warmed them. He was behind me, our bodies touching, as he warmed his hands. I could feel his interest and got somewhat uncomfortable. He is at least 25 yrs older than me. As I prepared to move forward he stopped me and put his face and lips very close to my own as he stared me in the eyes. It was intense and I waited. He then kissed me passionately. All I remember is the feeling of a sloppy kiss which was not that nice. He then turned and went back down the mountain, giving me a sausage stick and a banana on the way down. I rushed after him, eating the items quickly but discarding part of the banana, yet I did not feel hungry.
I began to wake but lingered in the in-between for a while. This is when I heard and saw written on a wall in my mind, “On watch” and I remembered vividly the map with the circles, the city of Kalispell and the warning of two earthquakes.
I had a string of interesting dreams last night. But first, I want to share a vision I keep having. I’ve seen it both in dreams and upon waking. In the first one, a dream, I saw myself with blue painted fingernails and wearing blue clothing. I inspected my fingernails, noting the strange blue tinge and trying to figure out why they were blue. In the visions I’ve had, the last of which was last night, I saw myself with blue skin.
At first, I thought it must be indicating a chakra, maybe the throat chakra, but this blue was not that color blue. Instead, it was lighter and seemed almost to glow.
My next thought was it was exactly the same color of the blue Hindu gods and goddesses. I did look up why the gods and goddesses of Hinduism are blue. Mostly the blue coloring is for Vishnu, meant to depict the color of rain clouds, so more of a steel gray, but sometimes it is brighter blue, like the color I have been seeing in my visions. Blue is the color of the sky and sea, one reflects the other and neither actually has any color at all. Thus, blue is the color of infinity. Hindu Scriptures declare the Ultimate reality to be inconceivable and inexpressible, beyond the grasp of the 5 senses. The only way to express the vastness (Brahman) which is Being, Consciousness and Bliss, is through the color blue.
So, in my vision, I seemed to become a blue goddess. Perhaps Kali?
Dream #1: Running from My Shadow
This dream was unexpected. I very rarely feel fear in my dreams now days but I definitely felt it coming on in this dream. I don’t recall many details now because it was so early in the night (woke at 11pm). What I most remember is that I was avoiding this negative entity that seemed like a giant shadow. It was trying to envelope me and I was resisting. There were many voices at the time, some my own, some my guides and some from this Shadow. The voices of the Shadow were recognizable and familiar. In fact, I’ve memory of chasing it away in my early twenties and calling it a “gin”. Towards the end of the dream I was putting up protection and pushing the negative voices out of my mind. I could sense a shield around my mind and, as I woke, my vision was filled with spheres of all colors floating and undulating as if alive (hypnagogia), indicative of entry into the OBE state.
Dream #2: Classroom in my Bedroom
I returned to sleep and the next thing I recall is having students sitting all around me in my bedroom. I was still in bed, blanket up around me snugly, but didn’t seem to think it odd that my room was full of students. It was an English class and the teacher, standing near my door, told us that we had to do a research paper. She gave us two topics to choose from and left. Everyone paired up and began discussing their assignment. I sat up in bed, looking at them sitting on my floor and leaning up against my walls and window, and protested loudly about the assignment. I said that I didn’t think it was a good one. What teacher limits her students to only two topics? Why not allow us to explore topics we are most interested in? I then told them I was going to drop out of the class. I didn’t need it. I already had a masters and bachelor’s degree and was just taking the class out of boredom. A male student said he was, too. I asked him if he had a degree and he said no. I told him not to bother, telling him all the jobs I used my degrees for were miserable for me. Only when I decided to follow a different path did I find a very unexpected job that made me happy. He asked what it was and I said, “Accounting.” The entire class was listening attentively at this point and it seemed I might have helped some decide that college was not the right path for them.
Dream #3: Black Hole Sun (Eclipse)
I didn’t categorize this as a Kundalini dream but it most definitely had elements of Kundalini energy.
My husband and I parked in an unfamiliar driveway. I was driving but didn’t know how I got there. I immediately got out, finding myself under a large, open, red umbrella. I was wearing my pajamas – a pair of short shorts and a t-shirt – and was barefoot. Still confused, I looked up to a tree and saw a sweatshirt (protection) hanging on it. I pulled it down but then threw it back up not wanting to take something that wasn’t mine. Then my husband drove away and left me there. Not sure what to do, I panicked a bit. I had no phone or any way of contacting help. I felt lost. So, I wandered down the road looking for familiar sign posts. Nothing.
Then I saw a big truck stop in the middle of the road. It opened its doors and out came hundreds of cats (feminine energy, sexuality). I stopped short and said, “Feral cats.” People were coming up and picking up the cats, though, leading me to believe they were not feral. I wandered closer, observing, and saw the cats were friendly. Still, I kept my distance.
As I turned to leave I saw a little boy crying. He was afraid of the cats. I comforted him and turned him towards the cats, telling him it was safe. I got an adult to assist and left the cats behind.
Then I was at a party. It was full of people I didn’t know, some speaking a language I didn’t recognize. I sat down and waited, still not knowing where I was. Then I noticed a man staring at me. With his stare came a strong, magnetic energy, one I was familiar with. I turned away, feeling immediately nervous, and then moved across the room to avoid him. In my hurry I bumped into my husband who had seen me avoiding the man. He laughed and told me, “He wants to take you into the bedroom.” I didn’t respond and found a corner to hide in.
Eventually the man found me. He came up to me, face to face, and put his left hand on my right shoulder. Our eyes locked and I froze. The energy was super intense and magnetic. It terrified me. The man wanted me to come with him. His energy beckoned me and I knew I would not be able to resist for long. This is when a woman said something to the man. I think she was his wife. He lingered and the woman asked me, “Are you married?” I nodded yes. She told the man to leave me be. He listened and left. I watched the woman for a bit. She was with another woman and a child of around 3 climbed into her lap. I finally went up to her and asked her about the man. Though I don’t recall our conversation, I recognized that she was his wife and they had an arrangement that allowed them to be with other partners.
Then there was a commotion and everyone rushed outside to the driveway. It was really crowded and the sky was a weird shade of reds and oranges. I looked up. Realizing it was the eclipse I averted my eyes. I saw the woman from earlier and went up to her. I could see the eclipse shadow on the concrete. It was nearly complete, a blackness surrounded by a rim of fire. The woman turned to me and we embraced and I sobbed and sobbed as she held me in her arms. The entire time the crazy energy of the eclipse was all around me.
Then there was a hush and I turned and looked up. The sun was mottled red like it was going to explode.
Seeing the sun like this woke me. Tears were still in my eyes and a chorus from a song was going through my head: “Black hole sun won’t you come and wash away the rain…..”.
Discussion with Guides
After I woke, I couldn’t return to sleep. The energy from the encounter in the dream along with the emotional release at the end was hard to ignore.
My guidance was close, asking me about how I felt in certain parts of the dream. Specifically, the part where my eyes locked with the strange man. I told them it terrified me. When asked why, it was hard to explain. I think it comes down to total loss of control and not knowing what will happen if that happens. Yet everything in me yearns to follow the feeling and let go completely, to hell with the unknowns that follow. That part of me, the part that yearns, terrifies me.
When asked about how I felt when I was crying, I recalled a time in this life when I chose not to follow that yearning, choosing instead to complete a cycle/karmic contract. The feeling is beyond description. I recognized the feeling in the dream was the same – solid, unchangeable and full of regret.
Then there was the visual of the sun there at the end. It felt like a warning, or at the very least a message. Memory of OBEs I had years ago came to mind. In those OBE’s I would see the sun and the moon coming closer and closer together but they never quite touched. If they had, there would have been an eclipse that looked like what I imagine a “black hole sun” would look like. Those OBEs were indicative of Union, or the merging of masculine and feminine, yin and yang, hieros gamos.
I can’t help but connect the vision of seeing myself as a blue goddess with this last dream. Kali is the goddess of time, doomsday and death. She is worshipped as the Divine Mother and seen as a divine protector who brings liberation. During the discussion with my guidance about my feelings related to that intense, magnetic yearning of which I am terrified, it was relayed to me that “perhaps what lies on the other side is….liberation”.
Woke super early, around 5am, once again disappointed that nothing interesting occured in dreamtime. The almost complete absence of spiritual experiences, dream adventures and other similar experiences is really taking a toll on me. It is causing a deep-seated depression and the longer it goes on, the more depressed I become. My guidance happened to be talkative at this time and asked what would make me have more interest in life. I told them to please bring back what I feel to have lost, otherwise I can’t think of anything in physical reality that would make me want to stay.
Somehow I returned to sleep and, not surprisingly considering what I had just requested, ended up in a semi-lucid dream experience.
My dream recall is hazy, unfortunately. The dream began with me waking up in an unfamiliar bed and bedroom, feeling very drowsy and wanting only to sleep. Yet I was being beckoned to explore the space and as soon I listened and opened my eyes, a brilliant light sparked flashed, lighting up the scene and a view of a bedroom came to life around me. As soon as I recognized the dream scene, the brilliance faded away into a more dull, gray scene, reflecting back to me my energy level/mood.
I lingered in bed and from here it is hard to remember the sequence of events. I either got up and explored the area, which turned out to be (not surprisingly) my Mom’s house where I spent my teenage years, or I was thrust into a dream within a dream which revealed to me an alternate timeline.
In the first case, I went into the main house where the energy was very uncomfortable, almost repellant. So, I went out into the front yard and felt immediate relief. I looked up into the sky and saw dark clouds but there was no threat of storm or rain. I heard a loud, rumbling noise that seemed very off, coming from the road, so I went to investigate. There was a massive machine seeming to be grating the road (the roads are paved). I vaguely recall launching myself up into the air and scanning the horizon for anything interesting. Finding nothing, I set my sights back to the house.
Then I was in the back yard. My younger sister was present as were my boys. When I saw my younger sister, I hugged her and was really pleased to see her. I haven’t seen or communicated with her in waking reality for over 16 years. She responded as if in a trance state, completely flat with wide open, unfocused eyes. I remember recognizing her to be me and not questioning it. I placed everyone into the shallow end of the pool (mentally, it was a dream decision) and jumped in with them. I went up to my sister and kissed her on the cheek. I believe I was attempting to cleanse/heal them all as well as myself, knowing that what one accomplished, so did the other. I also recognized that my sister was likely asleep both physically but also consciously, going through life sleep-walking like so many others in this reality.
In the other case, I found myself in an alternate reality, one that is likely just as real as my present life just in another timeline. I somehow knew this, yet found it very disorienting in the dream because I kept jumping from one to the other. In this alternate reality, I was in a psych hospital. Doctors were questioning me and I remember being unhappy because I was not being allowed to return to my “fantasized” reality in my mind, a place I went to escape the uncomfortable position I found myself in. So, I would shift back and forth between this psych ward questioning and the lucid dream of my present life reality. Most of my memory is of being shaken into awareness of this alternate reality, awaking to see the faces of worried doctors with lights flashing into my eyes, their voices sounding like distant echoes.
When these two experiences, seemingly happening simultaneously, ended, I “woke up” (genuinely thought I was awake) and began to write down what I had remembered. I wrote the message in the air with my mind. I heard a male voice as well as my own repeat it back to me. The message was (and there was Knowing with it): “We are all sharing (in) the same dream. We are America’s humanity.” The Knowing is hard to describe now but it was quite clear in the dream, one of those ah-ha moments where I Remembered something my human self forgot. Basically, what the dream experience was reminding me was that we are all connected. Each of our experiences has a ripple effect on the other (think the Matrix). What one heals, also heals another. What one learns, so does another. As one becomes more aware (like lucid in a dream), so then does another increase in awareness, though not necessarily on the same level, more in increments. There was also this Knowing of dimensions and timelines layered one on top the other, interconnected in such a way that confused my human mind.
I was shown scenes from my own life during this time as if to illustrate how this occurs. The memory that appeared to me was when I worked in the alternative school. I was pregnant with my second child. A student who had just had a baby was threatening to me so I asked the administration to put officers in my room. The student had said something (as I remembered anyway) about kicking me in the stomach. I got the officers and the student later told me she would never hurt a baby because she was a mother. She seemed sincere. When this memory came to me, I understood that this incident registered to the student subconsciously and changed her perspective which then changed her life trajectory.
Still thinking I am awake, I felt the familiar sensation of shifting OOB and so opted to go with it. The scene I found myself in was a court room. In front of me was a judge with a gavel. As I watch the court room and judge, my guidance was talking to me, their words blending with the dream scene and into the background. The judge was ruling in favor of a system that had a name I cannot recall now. The ruling was in favor of buying and selling data, personal data specifically. I then saw what looked like a barcode and heard the name of this system. I only recall it had a “J” name and I was told it was the name of the inventor, but the system was not called by that name. This barcode would be put on people.
Hopeless
When I woke recognized the messages and dream experience but was not very pleased with it all because it had not been the kind of lucid dream I preferred where the colors, events and sensations were ultra-real and vivid. It was, instead, more like a regular dream memory, fading quickly. My guidance was there and I remember feeling a question, “Do you understand?” I replied that I did. My actions directly impact others regardless of whether I choose to participate in life or not. All this stems from me wanting to hermit away from everyone, withdraw and wait until death removes me from this place. Thus, the “sleepy” feeling in my dreams. My lack of desire to participate in life has led to withdrawal far beyond the physical. I was asked to shift my focus from myself to others, i.e. “help”. But I’ve had so many losses in trying to help that I have given up trying. There is also this overwhelming sense that my help is like a raindrop falling into a vast ocean, a vast ocean of sewage. It all seems so pointless.
Before going into this dream, I wanted to share something that happened a couple of weeks ago. My youngest son lost his watch in the back yard because he took it off when jumping on the trampoline. He only told me when it was near bedtime. Still, I went out with flashlight in hand to search for it. No luck. He was very upset to the point of crying. It broke my heart. I reassured him I would look in the morning and this seemed to reassure him.
The next morning I went outside to look. Still no luck. I took a break to do something else, all the while thinking, “Where is it?” I heard an answer back, “It’s by a tree.” I ignored it but heard it again and then again. So, figuring I had nothing to lose, I went back out, this time focusing on further away from the trampoline. The first tree I checked – nothing. But, just as I was told, there was the watch right next to the second tree. Yay! My son was so happy when I gave it to him later that day.
This kind of Spirit help don’t happen often. In fact, I can’t think of another example quite like this one.
So, onto the dream…..
Dream: Anon 11 and Message
In the dream I was in a car feeling sleepy. There was a woman in the back seat with me and a man in the front. The woman looked different, so I took notice. She was very pale, almost white, and completely bald. Her eyes were a bit larger and somewhat slanted with Asian-like eyelids. Her nose and mouth were small and she had a tiny, pointy chin. Her ears were what was really odd. There were small ridges where the top of the ear was, almost like her human ears had been absorbed into her head. Where the opening to the ear would be was a thin, yellowish membrane. Below that was a circular lump about the size of a large mole that was a bit more orange. Somehow I knew that this ear membrane and lump were how the woman sensed her surroundings. She saw via her ears as well as with her eyes. She could also hear what I could not. Somehow I knew that if her membrane were covered it would be a kind of torture for her. It appeared that the man and her were “together”. I observed them communicating without words. She curled into a ball and went dormant (also normal for her) and the man and I communicated for a bit. IDK what we said now but the car disappeared. The next thing I remember was standing with them both and referring to them as my parents. The woman commented that it wasn’t quite the right word for who they were to me. They both seemed extremely amused by my comment.
At some point I became more lucid. I asked her name and heard, “Anon 11”. When I asked where she came from I got something I couldn’t understand. I was then shown something by being taken to a “rest room”. At first it resembled a human restroom, at least the door and size did. But when I went inside, a membrane wrapped itself around me on all sides. I was hoisted up horizontally and the ends twisted until I was snug inside, like in a cocoon. I began to lose lucidity because I didn’t quite understand what I was being shown. I lost time at this point. Maybe I fell asleep? I felt someone put their hand on my right shoulder in bed and shake me gently. It seemed like their message was, “Wake up!” I ignored it, rolling further onto my left side, feeling groggy. This is when I heard, “There will be retaliation against the US in June.” This woke me up and I couldn’t return to sleep.
Considerations
The ET in the dream was very curious to me and so most of the dream was me trying to memorize her appearance. Her ears reminded me of an amphibian’s ears; a tympanum. Her energy was soothing and calm. Observing her sleep was interesting. She curled up into a tight ball, so she must have been very limber. She was about my height and her skin had a bit of a shimmer to it. She was beautiful in her own way, though very odd for sure.
The name Anon was pronounced Ann-on. I wish I could remember the odd name of her origin. I have no idea about the membrane cocoon or what it means. Perhaps it relates to my sleep patterns lately? I am sleeping longer and deeper than usual and have been for over a year.
The message about retaliation against the US woke me because it was believable. My first thought was that those in power want war so that the current president has a better chance of staying in power. It is rare that the American people vote out a US president during wartime. It would be exactly the kind of political manipulation expected in times like these. I saw a quote on FB the other day – “War is young men dying and old men talking”. ~ FDR. Sigh.
Later, I told my daughter the about the ET and her name. She asked, “9-11?” I repeated the name. She said, “It sound like 9-11 to me.” I hadn’t even thought of the that. I find it interesting that Anon 11 sounds like 9-11 and then I got a message about retaliation.
It’s been a while since I posted and I apologize. Lots has been going on (I’ll write on that later) and my dry eyes are still making it difficult. I just can’t stay in front of a screen long enough to complete a post. I’ve also not had much to really write about; my inspiration has all but dried up.
This morning I did have an interesting lucid dream I will share. Enjoy!
Lucid Dream: City of Riza
I was in a gym preparing for my workout. I began to warmup with a light weight – one dumbbell. As I did so, I would occasionally look in a mirror. I noticed my thighs were quite big. I ignored it and continued to warm up. I believe I was talking to myself or maybe my guide throughout because I would become distracted and stop, zoning out, and then get back to my warmup. I believe we were discussing current life events, but I don’t really remember.
Eventually, I was doing some goblet squats with a tiny weight when I noticed a very obese woman on her phone sitting on a bench next to me. I stayed in the lowered position of the squat and looked over at her. She glanced my way. I lingered, sitting in this position for a while. Turning towards the mirror I noticed my butt and thighs were even bigger than the last time I looked. In fact, I was extremely obese, just like the woman sitting nearby. I stared at my thighs for a bit, noticing the pale skin and deep dimples of fat. Rather than be grossed out, I shrugged my shoulders, deciding I didn’t care. I turned to the woman and said, “I don’t think I feel like working out today.” I put down the weight and headed towards the exit, only I didn’t know where it was. I wandered toward a glass door that led outside. I walked through it into a parking area. I looked left. No car. I looked right. No car. Did I even drive here? Still confused, I turned and went back inside.
Once inside and still talking to my guidance, I had the idea that I was dreaming. I decided to test my theory by taking something (stealing) and walking out the front door. So, I grabbed a box of cigarettes and casually walked out the door telling the attendants, “I forgot something” to explain why I had come in and was going right back out. The attendant nodded and didn’t notice I had the cigarettes.
Again outside in the parking lot, I knew for certain I was dreaming. I thought about taking control of the dream. Maybe flying or changing the scene? I got a reply not to and accepted it. It seemed like I was meant to look around and take in my surroundings. So, that is what I did. The parking lot was small with few cars and the building I came out of seemed to be in a strip mall. The sky was gray and overcast. There were buildings in the distance. The minute I decided to investigate the buildings in the distance, I was there among them.
The city streets were narrow and tall, brick buildings were on all sides. I noticed vendors on the streets. It was no city I recognized. Where was I? I decided to ask a vendor and approached two young girls standing next to one of the stands. I said, “Hello.” One looked up and said, “Hi.” I asked, “Can you tell me where I am?” She gave me a quizzical look. So I asked, “What city am I in?” She said, “Oh. Riza.” Her friend came closer holding out a small object like a phone and her attention went to the object. I interrupted and said, “Thanks. What state…er province….um…is that in?” I didn’t know if where I was had states or provinces but wanted a better idea of the location. The girl thought a bit and said, “Well, Ga Ga Ga comes here sometimes.” I immediately thought of Lady Ga Ga but tossed the thought. The girls handed me the object to show me this Ga Ga Ga. It was a cell phone type object with a large screen. On it were images of a cartoon like character with blonde hair and large breasts. They swiped through several images, some cartoons, some not, completely immersed in this person. Not impressed, I clarified and they said, “Well sometimes it’s called Risha.” This didn’t help answer my question. Still not sure what they were communicating, I kept asking. They told me that also sometimes GM came.
This is when I gave up. Their answers were total nonsense and probably the result of the nonsense in my mind!
Briefly I “woke up” but I actually didn’t. It just seemed like I did. Instead, I remained in the dream but shifted to my bed where I tried to recall the entire lucid dream so that I wouldn’t forget it. Then I returned to “sleep” and entered a non-lucid dream in my old bedroom at my childhood home.
Considerations
This lucid experience is similar to others I’ve had recently. I know I’m dreaming but I don’t take control of the dream when I would really prefer to go off flying or changing the scene. Instead, I let the dream continue while being lucid. When I asked my guidance about this, I was told that I need practice being where I am.
The dream symbolism in the gym shows me some things about myself, things I am mostly already aware of. I am distracted, my mind not on the actual process of warming up. In life, I find my mind wanders frequently and I lose track of what I am doing in the moment or completely forget my intention. This also happens when I try to go to sleep. My mind is all over the place! My guidance suggested I count backwards from 100. I fail miserably at it! I end up forgetting what number I am on, usually before I get into the 80s, and have to start over again!
Me looking at my large butt and thighs in the dream is highlighting how much I focus on my appearance. Thankfully, in the dream I recognize it isn’t important, indicating I might be making some progress here.
And finally, the zoning out and preferring to sleep (the second dream was a sleepy one). I prefer to not be fully present in life. I want to sleep through it, go into oblivion, etc. At least this is what I believe the sleepiness in my dreams symbolizes. I am avoiding.
I was going to the church with my husband. He was invited to an event and he was unsure if he would go because of the distance he would have to travel. I laughed saying it had only taken a few steps to get there and he disagreed. I thought perhaps he meant the distance from inside our house so I said, “Okay, maybe about 7 minutes max.” He left and I drifted off into a deep sleep waiting for his return. I would momentarily wake to see if he was around. In one of those moments, there were two young women sitting beside me. One was talking about being there to take a test and mentioned the grade she would need. I told her, “It has to be 100%”. This made us all laugh for some reason. I looked around for my husband and said to them, “I guess he left me.”
Around this time I noticed an aquarium in the room. I went up to investigate, looking at all the beautiful fish inside it. The more I looked, the bigger the aquarium seemed until it seemed to surround me from floor-to-ceiling. There were tropical fish the size of a football inside. A woman asked me a question about it. I think it was whether it was a salt or freshwater tank. I told her freshwater. I lingered, worrying the fish hadn’t been fed and wondering how it was cleaned.
I seemed to drift off to sleep again despite fighting heavy eyes. I remember becoming aware of what I was wearing at this time, a bit worried it was too little. I was wearing workout tights and a white workout bra. I decided I didn’t care and drifted off to a heavy, wonderful sleep. Sometime in this drugged state I overheard the women talking about a storm coming. One said to the other, “You might make it. It’s hasn’t reached four corners yet.”
OBE: Storm Warning
Eventually, I opened my eyes and found myself sitting outside on a bench in the dark. There is vague memory of someone telling me something, nudging me to get moving. So, I began to take off my clothes as if readying myself. This is when I felt like I was being watched. I turned and looked over my shoulder. In a window high above me was a little girl peering down at me. She was just staring at me and I waved at her, saying hello. She had a blank look on her face which made me worried that what I was doing was inappropriate. I decided I didn’t care and began to remove my clothing anyway. However, I paused, recognizing the situation made no sense. I said aloud with certainty, “I’m out-of-body.”
I stood up and felt my surroundings shift in such a way that reverberated through my astral body. I was soon aware of myself in my bed and my vision had gone totally black. I didn’t even have a perception of my surroundings in that black and white, shifty mental vision I usually have.
There was a song playing loudly. A person was singing along with an accompaniment of music. They were singing, “It’s time to….move.” It was an upbeat song and so I sang along, knowing that if I sang my vibration would rise.
I quickly moved through the house, instinctively heading towards the front door, singing the entire time. My vision didn’t turn on and I was completely blind, yet I somehow knew where I was. It was my Mom’s house. I fully believed when I made it outside my vision would turn on with stunning clarity. It always has in the past. Unfortunately, I was greeted with total darkness. This didn’t phase me and I continued outside, still singing loudly.
I hadn’t gotten far when I was hit hard in the head. My first thought was, “That really hurt!” It was a very physical pain. It knocked me to the ground and I thought, “That’s never happened before.” Strangely enough, the knock on the head brought on my vision. I looked up and saw what had hit me. It was a large oak tree, its massive branches low to the ground, surrounding me almost like a nest. I climbed out, looking up at the sky. There were massive, black storm clouds over the top of the house. The wind was whistling threateningly. I tried to take flight, intending to fly directly into the clouds, but it felt like I was anchored to the ground. So, I turned around to look in the opposite direction. Just above the treetops I could make out a menacing, rotating, mass of lighter colored clouds. It was a tornado. The howling wind sounded almost like a scream and stopped me in my tracks. I felt an energy hit me in my chest. Thinking it bad, I fought it unsuccessfully. Soon after, I woke up in bed, my heart chakra warm and tingly.
Upon waking the song was still clear as day in my mind. I made a voice recording of it and went back to sleep.
Considerations
What stands out to me the most in the above dream and OBE was how real it felt when I bumped my head. It was a very physical pain. It seemed almost like someone punched me to get my attention, and it worked. The next thing that stands out is my reaction to the tornado and how the energy hit me square in the chest. I wouldn’t call it fear exactly. It was more in line with nervous excitement or that anticipatory feeling one gets right before an important event. One would think the tornado would cause fear and that fear would be felt in the pit of the stomach. And, of course, there is the song message that was repeating throughout: It’s time to move. IDK if this means changing physical location, if I was just being nudged to move in that moment, or something else.
The other symbolic aspects that stand out are the fish in the aquarium. Fish, for me, are symbolic of ideas. These fish were numerous, active and healthy. The drowsy feeling indicates a desire to withdraw into my own world or perhaps to be sleepwalking through life. Finally, I am taking off my clothing when I realize I am dreaming. I haven’t done that in ages. Removing my clothing or being naked indicates a willingness to be vulnerable by exposing myself completely.
Living Life in Between 