Kundalini Dream: Come Worship With Us

Prior to bed last night I was feeling a familiar energy. It is as if I am surrounded by a massive group of people but I can’t see any of them. It comes with a subtle pressure, as if I am being “called”. It is hard to put into words but I’ve been feeling this feeling on and off for a couple of weeks now.

I remember thinking it is all in my head and I need to just ignore it. I think, “Maybe I am just a highly functioning Schizophrenic? Maybe all the voices in my head and crazy experiences are just me wishing for something else, something more exciting than this boring, physical existence?” I accept that this is likely true because no one else experiences these things, at least no one I am in physical proximity to. 

I think of something my older sister once said to me about my conversations with “invisible friends”. She said I needed to stop talking to them and live in the “real world” like everyone else. She was harsh and blunt and her words stung. I cried and felt even more crazy then I already did. And still, 20 years later, I hear her words in my head and think, “Maybe she is right?” But then, whenever I try to be part of the “real world”, I feel like I’m dying inside. Inevitably, the voice(s) return and usually in profound ways.

So I guess it isn’t unusual that last night I had a very vivid, semi-lucid dream sequence. This time it came with some very obvious Kundalini.

Dream: Infected

The setting was in a small, room. Two others were with me, a man and a woman. The man mentioned that we would soon experience a sudden transformation that was outside of our control and so we needed to go to a safe space to undergo the transformation. The space was dark and secluded. I recall being told it was another room connected to the main one. It would have no a/c, be similar to a basement, and very hot (intense). I saw what would happen and in my mind it felt like whatever “infection” we all had would turn us into night creatures, like vampires.

The man and woman left, yelling back to me to hurry. I knew I would need to take food so ran to the freezer (something kept frozen or unmoving) and grabbed various items of which I recall ice cream (indulgence) being one. I thought for sure the ice cream would melt as the room would be very hot and stuffy, like a sauna, but I took it anyway. 

Dream: Donkey Friend

When leave I find myself inside a house. There are children and a woman is telling me about a new method of teaching. She takes me with her and we go up stairs but when I walk up, the stairs undulate under my feet and I stumble in surprise. The woman turns and smiles, offering me her hand and we continue.

As we walk she is asking about a mobile home on the property, asking if it has two bedrooms. I say it only has one. The roof is discussed and I assure her it doesn’t leak. 

We go outside and see a bunch of cows (domestic life) milling about. I open a small gate and let them through to the other side of the fence. Then a small donkey (relief of a burden) comes up to me. The woman tells me that it wandered onto the property on its own, as if it knew it was home. The donkey was very friendly and came over to me asking for affection. I snuggle with it and it lays on its belly like a dog.

Kundalini Dream: Worship

Then I am taken to a much larger building, a school. The building is very open inside, like the inside of a cafeteria or gym. The woman tells me about the school and it sounds very nice to me. Curious about what it’s like, I look for an open classroom. I walk down a long hallway that is lined along the left side with doors. I find the last door is unlocked. I open it and a cleaning lady is inside. I ask if I can look around and she says yes. Inside, it reminds me of a music classroom – spacious with tall ceilings. A teacher is inside standing at her desk. She tells me that the students at the school are difficult. I understand and tell her I’ve worked at a school like that and know the kinds she speaks of. I tell her I am not interested in working at another school like that.

I end up back in the large, open room I started in, but this time it is full of people. The atmosphere is attractive to me. Something about it makes me feel very open and relaxed. A woman to my right looks over at me and tells me about the work there, inviting me to be a part of what they do. It feels not only like a school but also a church. The teachers are also students and everyone comes to worship. I think it must be one of those private schools hosted by a church, at least that is what it feels like. 

The invitation has me thinking of what it would mean to work/study/worship there. It is located north of where I currently live in a town I know well. The pay is almost nothing and I go over the amount of income my family will lose if I work there. The woman smiles at me and specifically asks me to teach an art class. I realize I must be talking to either a principal or assistant principal. I ponder her question and am taken away from the scene.

Somehow I find myself in Costa Rica. I am on a road I traveled on while I was there. Recognizing where I am and that I’m dreaming, I am filled with this amazingly free feeling. A voice asks me how I feel and I say, “Free!” I begin to move forward quickly, running towards the beach. I stop at the water’s edge and turn around. In front of me I see a white machine, like a printer, that is throwing out transparent film in long sheets. The sheets remind me of laminating sheets. The voice is telling me that I can put whatever I want to on the sheets. I imagine the sheets filled with moving images like a movie. One sheet separates from the others and ascends until it stands vertically in front me. It is the same height as I am. It shifts until it becomes a single beam of golden yellow light. The voice says to me, “Life is vertical.” 

I return to the previous scene. The group around me closes in to the point that our shoulders easily touch. The energy in the air is electric. The people are all swaying as if dancing and singing a familiar hymnal. I join them in dancing and singing. When I look around me they are smiling, their eyes inviting me to join them. I see the woman I just spoke with staring at me from across the room. I see another woman who appears to not have a shirt on, her back to me. 

The group’s attention shifts to a man who is apparently one of the leaders. The man is older, maybe mid-fifties, with gray hair and a thin build. He has in his hand a violin (peace and harmony) and begins to play it as he floats up into the air. He plays the instrument like a guitarist in a rock band. His performance is unreal and I stare at him. He stares back and I feel his interest and invitation. It pulls me towards him so I shift my gaze. I lock eyes with the woman I previously spoke with. She is giving me the same look as the man. 

My focus shifts to the people around me and the rhythmic flow of our bodies. The electric energy is amazing and I feel so free and alive. I remember thinking, “I want to stay here” as I am amazed to feel finally to have found others like myself and be part of a group that will accept me completely, as I am. 

I see the woman I saw earlier, the one without a shirt. She is to my left. Her bare breasts are visible. She has painted something over her nipples, something blue. We touch one another and my vision blacks out as I feel into the energy of our connection and the connection of everyone with us. We feel to all be one. With this oneness I hear the woman’s voice again. She is saying, “Come and worship with us.” 

When my vision returns I not only hear her invitation, but I feel it. I want nothing more than to continue feeling it. Forever. 

A random man who is completely naked, stands in front of the group. He points at his nether regions to a section that would be about where a woman’s ovaries would be. He says, “Help me create life”. I see two dark spots appear, like moles on his skin, where the ovaries would be. Visuals of pregnancy come to mind. Strangely, desire rises within me along with the feeling of wanting to “make babies”. I think, “I don’t want to have anymore babies!” The voice tells me that what I’m feeling is “potential”. 

Then the man who had been dancing and playing the violin is suddenly right in front of me. I see him close up. He is old, his pale face etched with deep lines and his eyes feel to pierce my soul. I find him irresistibly attractive and accept his invitation. I reach toward the man and passionately kiss him. I feel it all very acutely. We kiss for what seems like a very long time, our tongues merging, then our mouths merging, and finally our bodies merging. My root chakra lights up and swirls around, growing in intensity, the energy pushing upward into my second chakra. There it sits and swirls, intensifying until it wakes me up.

Pin on Ecclesiastes

The In-Between

Despite waking, I am still immersed in the energy from the dream. Again, I hear the voice, inviting me to join, but this time I hear, “We have been waiting for you.” 

I linger in the in-between for some time, the energy in my second chakra slowly moving upward into my third chakra. The energy is warm and lulls me back into the in-between every time I begin to come out of my reverie. It is a wonderful, warm, blissful feeling that eventually encompasses my entire body. 

While in the in-between I am given two Biblical references, both from the book of Ecclesiastes – 4:11 and 9:11. I can’t recall which was given to me first, but it likely doesn’t matter. 

4:11

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?

9:11

I have seen something else under the sun:
The race is not to the swift
    or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
    or wealth to the brilliant
    or favor to the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all.

Then I have a vision of an erupting volcano. A mass of people is gathered at it’s base, worshipping it, sacrificing to it. I recognize that religion stems from such worship but not of “God” as men have made him out to be, but of Life. I recognize the volcano as a symbol of the Kundalini. I see in the Kundalini, Life (Aliveness), and know I am imbued with that Life.

It is clear to me that the church/school in my dream is a place of worship and that the entire dream is asking me to worship – to partake in – Life. I am invited to teach art. I am invited to create. I am invited to embrace desire (potential); to be Free. 

Considerations

Initially I was surprised at how easily I embraced the invitation in the dream. Everything around me was super erotic and sexual – the energy, the people, the visuals, the dancing. An outsider would have assumed it was a giant orgy! But the sense of oneness, the rhythm of the group, felt comfortable and familiar. I have felt pieces of it in other dreams and experiences leading up to this one, but nothing like this. I especially enjoyed that feeling in the end – the desire/potential feeling. It felt like if I just surrendered to that feeling, a “Big Bang” would occur and a Universe would be formed. lol

I find it especially curious how I often get Biblical references from my Team of guides. The book of Ecclesiastes has never come up before. Though I use to study the bible as a child, it was merely in Sunday school and often forced upon me, so I recall very little. For example, I had to memorize the books of the old and new testaments, the psalms (ugh) and other scriptures like John 3:16. It seems, though, that this particular chapter is about learning to live “under the Sun” (embracing the Light/God) rather than in fear of the Light/God. I also saw the chapter 4 referred to as “lessons from the teacher”.

These two verses in particular talk about the power of togetherness and the fact that all humans experience “time and chance” regardless of their situation (we are all equal in the eyes of God). I just recently had a very humbling dream about how we are all equal, no one is better than another, so am not surprised to be receiving more on that topic. This dream is also reminding me that I need others and we are all One, another common theme.

Overall, the dream feels like a giant invitation. I accept! We’ll see what comes of it, if anything.

Lucid Dream: Woman in Black

Prior to bed last night I felt a presence in front of me. When I acknowledged “him” I heard, “Are you ready?” I replied, “Yes.” The presence faded a bit and then was hardly noticeable. 

Lucid Dream: Woman in Black

The dream began inside a small cabin with only one room (similar to a recent OBE). The room had a bathroom/changing room and a couple of small windows draped with tulle-like, colored fabric and there was fabric in other areas as well, all pastel colors. There was an older lady in the room with me talking about performing a musical involving singing and dancing. I remember commenting that it was not difficult and demonstrated a few dance moves that resembled ballet. 

Eventually, I excused myself to the bathroom and while inside relieved myself in such a way as it brought on full lucidity in my dream. This is when it was obvious to me that I was accompanied by someone, a voice without form or gender.

When I exited the bathroom I seemed to be seeking something or someone. The voice came with me, always a bit behind or to the side and just out of view. 

Instead of finding myself inside the cabin (success on one’s own), I was standing on a porch (new opportunity) looking upon a mountain scene filled with tall pine trees. Ahead of me was a rocky, overgrown road. As I stepped off the porch (which I never saw but just assumed was there), I knew it was raining and mentally said, “I will feel the rain.” Sure enough, I could feel the cool rain (emotion) as it hit my skin and felt it running down my arms and legs. Beneath my feet I felt the cool, round stones (obstacles) of the road. Feeling it all so acutely and seeing everything so clearly, I became delighted and ran along the road down the hill. I told my companion, “The rocks don’t hurt my feet.”

For some reason I believed myself to have entered the past and was curious about what I would find ahead of me. There was a sense of direction, like I knew where I was and where I was going. For example, I knew ahead of me, at the bottom of the hill, I would find a much bigger road, and I did. The road was much smaller than I recalled, though, and this is when I realized I was floating just above the tree line. Looking down at the road, hidden by the trees, I flew down to its edge and thought at first it was paved but soon recognized the dirt was just well packed from all the traffic. The road was very narrow, as if for foot traffic and carts. 

I heard the familiar noise of a car engine and soon saw a small, rounded vehicle coming towards me. I hid behind the trees and watched in surprise as it parked. I thought, “How are there cars here in the past?” I stayed hidden as I watched a large man exit the tiny car. I worried he would see me, and he did, but he only glanced at me and then went on his way. I saw other cars parked nearby and eventually my curiosity pulled me out of hiding.

What I saw next reminded me of a small, seaside village. There were rows of tiny, identical, brightly colored houses lining the beaches and a small harbor. I wondered why the houses were such bright colors and was told that was all that was available. I accepted this answer. The scene was so vivid and colorful that I stopped briefly to take it all in. Eventually, I felt pulled to keep looking for whatever I was looking for, and so moved on.

There was a shift and I entered a warehouse (stored energy/hidden resources). It was quite open and clean with light gray floor, walls and ceiling. There was a woman holding a very tall, black, metal object that resembled a square post. She was inserting it into this machine, holding it steady as she fed it vertically down into it. Watching her, it soon became clear that she was inserting a massive key into a kind of lock. The metal object had various cutouts on it that the lock adjusted to and I heard the lock click as it unlocked. 

From this point, I went deeper into the warehouse, still looking. In another room I encountered a group of workers, all men. Their supervisor whispered to them to stop working and keep an eye on me. He said something like, “Watch that woman…” What he said indicated that he wanted to make sure I was safe, worried that I may get hurt by the machinery. 

I went into another room. A man was sitting in his station where he was operating some other kind of machine. The room was very long and composed of many isles similar to a bowling ally. 

Recognizing what I was seeking was not there, I turned and left.

When I exited, the scene shifted and I was again outside in the middle of a town with hard, packed dirt roads lined with modern buildings. In front of me was a very nice building with tall, glass entry doors and arched pillars. Its color was a very light tan and its texture was smooth and without seams. There was a sign out front with big, black letters that read: CORE. The letter C was a crescent moon (feminine energy). 

For some reason, I didn’t recognize the word as CORE but instead as a church. I knew this was the place I was looking for and immediately started to run towards it at a full sprint. I don’t know why.

This is when the invisible presence next to me became visible. A woman wearing a black, Victorian style, full-length, lace gown, sprinted in front of me and went through the glass doors before I could get to them. She was completely black from head to toe! A black cat trailed behind her.

Shocked, I ran faster, trying to catch up.

When I burst through the double glass doors the woman was standing there facing me. She was waiting for me, her cat sitting at her feet. I remember Knowing she was there for me, and she was who I had been seeking, but before I could speak to her she vanished into thin air, leaving her cat behind. I remember saying, “Of course!” with a Knowing that she would do just that.

I stood there for a bit, shocked at what had just happened and communicating with the voice. There was encouragement. I was being asked to stay. My response was that it was all too much. I felt overwhelmed but also confused. The whole lucid experience to that point and the many signs and symbols began to pull me away from the scene. I felt my energy returning to my body slowly, flowing like water. The sensation was familiar and calming.

Understanding

When I woke I recognized the lock and key as symbolic of a door being opened and the woman as being my shadow aspect, a part of me yet unknown and perhaps holding secrets that were to be revealed. The cat at her feet and the crescent moon are both symbolic of the feminine. The word CORE is another clue: core wound, core Self, core of the problem. 

As I lingered in bed, trying to stay awake so that I could recall the entirety of the experience, I inevitably entered the in-between where I had another dream that I can’t recall now. There were visions intermixed with discussions, also.

In one vision I saw a snake very clearly. It was moving, slithering, and then it vanished as I exited the vision. I recognized its significance as I recalled a physical snake encounter I had just two days ago on my morning walk. Snake = Kundalini = transformation.

I recalled a conversation with my guidance, from when I’m not sure, but I know it happened. In it, I was reminded of the year 2015. That spring I made some major gains. The Kundalini was burning through blocks and I felt the best I have in this life. I was certain, filled with Knowing and calm. My days were filled with unexpected surges of joy. Joy for just Being. A child-like joy that would rush through me and make me want to giggle and hug and kiss whoever was closest to me.

That year I met a twin flame/heart connection that further catalyzed the energy and the Kundalini was volcanic and explosive, filling my ears with a roaring sound and paralyzing me with ecstasy. 

In this conversation I was asked to compare what I am experiencing now to then. The surges of joy have returned, that is for certain. I just overflow with joy, love and gratitude. My mind is calm and quiet. I feel content with just Being. The Kundalini is much quieter than it was back then, though. The energy is much more calm and blissful but there is still a hint of an untamed desire that ebbs and flows underneath it all. When I feel that desire, I initially want it to grow, but then disengage completely.

I am again asked why I resist. I say, “I’m not”. I hear back, “You ARE.” lol And I eventually agree: I am. The reason being that anything that feels that good has to be bad. In this physical, dualistic reality, something that good screams, “Caution. Turn back.” 

And so a conversation I’ve had more times than I can count begins, again, but I will leave it at that. It is clear, though, that the woman in black is me and she is beckoning me to follow her and face her full-on. Maybe her disappearing is symbolic of an untruth? Perhaps she was trying to tell me there is nothing about myself that is ever truly hidden? Those things which feel BIG and scary are neither.

A song is going through my head the entire time: “My head and my heart…..” The conversation shifts to questions regarding following my heart and silencing my mind. What if I followed my heart? What if I followed that feeling? Why not? My head is what tells me what I feel is “bad”. My head is what tells me what I feel is “illogical”. And the more I think about what I feel, the more justified I am in ignoring it. When angels tell me “run” and monsters call it “love”.

Running from Amour

Are you running from something? 

I awoke this morning from a strange dream and even stranger sensation that swept over me. I realized quickly I was conversing with someone. Our talk convinced me that I am running. Sprinting even.

Dream – Hungry

I only recall the tail-end of the dream. My memory begins on a dirt road in the woods where I stop as I witness someone fall. There is a bridge made of heavy metal and somehow the bridge lifts up, like a drawbridge. A person with a cart falls down into the creek below.

I run to help search for the person. It feels like I was traveling with the person. As I climb down into the creek bed I can’t remember if I find them or not because the dream gets hazy.

The next thing I recall is climbing down large boulders and rocks towards the edge of the ocean. I can see people in military uniform swimming in the ocean. I question one of them and he says, “These are our orders.” I think it odd that they have been ordered to swim and look out across the water for evidence of this. Sure enough, I see other men in uniform swimming in the ocean. They seem to be having a good time, too. A group of them is lingering around a massive, concrete footing for a bridge that is no longer present. Perhaps it fell into the ocean long ago? What strikes me as odd is that these men are shining with a silver light and when I look closer (they are far away) I make out what looks like shiny, silver scales along their backs like they are wearing some kind of armor. Note: I wrote the word “amour” instead of armor and I do not think this is coincidence. You’ll see why.

One of the men in uniform comes swimming close by and tosses a tray of food onto the shore. A young, blonde girl sitting nearby kicks the tray of food away in rejection. I grab the tray before it falls into the water and scold her saying, “Don’t do that. Someone might want to eat that even if you do not.” I took the tray of food and offered it to another child who was also sitting on the shore.

I climb up toward the young, blonde girl who rejected the food. I see my sister near her, sitting quietly on a rock looking out to sea.  I sit down next to the blonde girl and we talk for a bit. The girl says very little when I ask her why she kicked the food. She seems to not be there wholly. Then there is a whole section of the dream that seems to come into my mind like a vision. It feels to be part of a conversation and distracts me from the young girl momentarily.

The vision shows my sister and my mother as one person, their faces blurring from one to the other and morphing as I try to focus. There is a Knowing that one or both of them is dead and I am being allowed to know this ahead of time. I wonder aloud, “Is this the last time I see them?” There is a sense of loss that comes with this and a feeling that time is slipping away and if I do not pay attention, my time with my mom/sister will be gone. Focusing on the shifting face of my mom/sister there is regret and a sense of lost time. It is similar to how one feels when they grow older and suddenly realize their children have grown up and they can’t figure out what happened to all the time they thought they had.

With this momentary sadness comes a thought-flow that I think belongs to my sister. Do I somehow telepathically connect with her? IDK but the thoughts would be along the lines of what she may be thinking now. She is worrying about her son, wondering how they will get him to school every day with a vehicle that is unreliable and no permanent place to sit their RV. She is wondering if she will have to have her son stay with someone. She is wondering if anyone will help her.

My attention suddenly shifts back to the young girl I am sitting with and the issue at hand: her rejection of the food. I recognize that she is hungry and say to her, “You are grumpy because you haven’t eaten. You should get something to eat.” There is recognition that she is like me (she IS me). 

Explanation: As a little child I experienced something unique when it came to hunger. When I got hungry I wouldn’t recognize it as hunger. I would get so hungry I’d get grumpy and irrational, pushing food away, feeling sick at the sight of food, and refusing to eat. Only when I was forced to take a bite would I realize I was starving and then I would devour the food quickly and with relief.

In the dream I was explaining this to the little girl, trying to convince her that how she was feeling was the direct result of her hunger.

For some reason my attention is once again pulled away as if I am conversing with someone behind the scenes of the dream. This time, I shift into a dream scene where I am staring at text on a computer screen – a blog post. I decide I want to take a post I’d written and combine it with another. I begin to copy the text, right clicking on my mouse and moving down the screen from the first word to the last. As I do this I feel this amazing feeling sweep over my body, as if the mouse is highlighting my energy body instead of the text. The feeling produces a strong attraction, like a magnetic pull. It was so sublime I pause and sink into the feeling of it. It is marvelous!

Conversation

The feeling pulls me out of my reverie and the dream fades as I acknowledge that I’m not alone. My heart lights up momentarily with the recognition of who I’m communicating with. The feeling lingers but lessens, the energy swirling about, ebbing and flowing as if conscious. It feels very much like someone is dancing with me but at a distance. My heart sparks briefly but I pull away. 

I attempt to dismiss what I Know is happening and focus on my dreams. I recognize that the little girl in the dream is me and I know immediately that my “hunger” is causing me to reject the very nourishment I need. 

The amazing magnetic energy returns and swirls around me, lighting up my heart. A voice asks, “Do you feel that?” I reply that I do. I wonder (or maybe I am asked) why I pull away. I realize with great clarity that I am running away from it. I reply, “I’m scared.” 

The energy I am “dancing” with feels to be teasing me. It comes closer and then withdraws. I reach for it and it pulls away. It is not long before I recognize that it is not pulling away, I am. 

I am asked, “Why?” I don’t recall my exact answer but when I think on it now, the answer is that the feeling is so BIG, so amazingly and perfectly matched to me, that I can’t believe it is real. It must be a trap. It has to be a trap. It has to be “bad”, right? Yet when I feel it, I am so drawn to it that all I want to do is let it consume me completely; be one with it. 

With this I experience a brief vision and energetic sensation. In the vision I see someone put their hand into my stomach area, just above my right hipbone. I resist. The hand withdraws and a hole is visible. It is clear that what I am experiencing and seeing is healing and I acquiesce. The hand reaches in and pulls out a cord or energy. Something releases. I feel a twinge of discomfort when this occurs. Afterward the energy is noticeable in the area and as I continue to talk to this Other, the energy moves upward, ever so slowly, towards my heart.

From this point on there is a definite recognition of the Other and we continue to communicate. I remember discussing what could be – a walk in the woods, a quiet evening, just BEing together. It all feels and sounds wonderful and I agree to stop resisting. However, it seems I am not in control of that as the resistance remains. There is Knowing that I must be patient as this is a process that cannot be rushed. I feel patience from the Other along with willingness and an acceptance of what Is. 

Amour

Back to the “coincidence” mentioned above. I believe that armor in my dream is relevant here in that I wear quite a bit of it to protect myself from potential hurt. So, in writing “amour” instead of “armor” I am being told that love (amour) is the only thing that can penetrate that armor. 

This goes further in that before bed last night I was feeling drawn to a images of castles in a show I was watching. There was a very Arabian feel to the show and the images in it. It felt almost as if I was returning to my past, and when that thought crossed my mind I felt that, in one or more of my past lives, I’d had a great love, one that trumps all other love. And momentarily, I felt a rush to my heart but pushed it away because….well it scares me for some reason. 

And it feels to me the reason for my pushing this love away stems from a deep wound which was made fresh by an experience in this life that reminded me of the very real pain that comes from losing love. So the overall message is that I am “running from amour”. It sounds ridiculous and it is, but then fear is a very real thing and fear of losing a love like that, well, I can completely relate.

There is also a movie named Amour. Whether it is a movie I should watch, IDK, but I might. It seems like the kind of movie I would like.

The Best of Us is no Better Than the Worst of Us

Sleep has not been my friend lately. Where I had a good month of great sleep, sometimes 10 hours or more, now I am lucky if I get a solid 6-7 hours. It could be due to the environment. In Costa Rica I slept exceptionally well but then I was rarely around people, had no schedule to keep and purposefully did very little. Since returning home I’ve returned to my previous schedule and am again exercising, though not as frequently and only when I feel like it. My encounters with people are much higher here at home and my time in nature limited. So, at night I often find myself staring into the darkness, sometimes for hours, not really finding good, solid sleep until after midnight.

Last night I fell asleep pretty quickly but then woke at 1:30am and found our car gone from the driveway. Realizing my husband had driven somewhere in the middle of the night, I was concerned and tried to call only to discover his phone ringing downstairs. So, I lay awake until I heard him return because I was worried. When he returned I discovered he had gone to the office (lol). My worries abated but my mind was very awake for some time after.

I lay awake thinking of a recent incident mostly.

Since June our company has been dealing with fraudulent checks written against our checking account. We opted to get a system where we upload the checks numbers and amounts and any check that doesn’t match one of these checks/amounts is flagged and has to be approved before it clears the account. It stops the fraud 100% which makes my job so much easier. Well, just this week, one of the fraudulent checks that came through was written by an ex-employee, someone who had worked for the company 9 years and who I’ve known 14 years. He is 72yrs old and recently had double hip replacement. That he would write a $20k check using our company’s account info, printed on checks ordered with our checking info on them, is a shock. Turns out he is well aware, did it knowingly, pushed by a group of people he met online and has since become friendly with. The group pulled him in with sexual content, specifically a young women who he fell in love with. This caused his wife to divorce him, kick him out and subsequently he left his job to move in with the woman. He recently admitted that he gave this group all his personal information to use as they pleased – old check stubs, bank info, addresses, people he knew, etc. When they ask him to write and sign checks, he just does it.

Unable to comprehend this man’s sudden lack of judgement, my mind was pulled towards my sister’s situation and how I similarly am unable to comprehend her decisions. 

I knew before falling asleep that my dreams would align with my thoughts prior to bed. I don’t recall my dreams but when I awoke there was memory of a summary of a night’s-long discussion.

As I woke I heard this: “The best of us is no better than the worst of us and the worst of us is no worse than the best of us.”

Along with this message, I had flashes of various “memories” and Knew how it all fit together as a message. 

Honestly, I was a bit overwhelmed and also very ashamed of myself and my behavior in this life. What I was being told was that our main purpose in this physical experiment is to show love and compassion towards our fellow man. Jesus came to mind – how he taught that everyone is our brother and our sister. He loved everyone equally and unconditionally. The beggar and the leper were shown the same love and compassion as anyone else. If a stranger came knocking, asking for help, food, shelter, clothing and whatever they needed was provided without question or judgment. 

I saw how I withdrew help to my sister because of my judgement of her actions, my supposition of her situation and my overall lack of compassion for her and her family. Her actions and “lack of sane judgement” have been my justification for not helping, when I could – can. 

Of course, I wondered, “Surely I shouldn’t just give her money and whatever she asks for? She would just take advantage as she has proven she will by her past actions. So, if I am to help her, how?” My guidance said this, “Ask her, ‘How can I help you?’. When she answers, pay attention to your immediate response, the one that comes from your heart, not your mind, and offer her that.” I realized right away that she may actually answer by asking me to listen, to be available as her sister and to not judge her!

Then there was memory of a dream. On the 5th of August I woke up crying from a dream, but it didn’t make sense to me. 

In my dream I was being given a $2500 check from a very old, rich woman. I was very grateful but saw she wrote my name as “Dani”. When I tried to ask her to change it, she had left and her assistant told me, “No problem” and then scratched through the name and wrote in the correct one. The old lady came back and said, “I am going to pay all your expenses, too.” She handed me the check – a large, leather bound globe of Earth. I could feel the topography and details on the surface as I looked down at it. Across the top was a very long name written in black ink. The name was so long, it went around the entire circumference of the northern hemisphere. I saw my name a bit lower down, also written in black ink. Beside it was a signature line marked with an X. For some reason I thought the long name on top was of a lawyer and felt the check was a “joint check”, meaning that only when the lawyer gets paid will I get paid. The amount of the check was in the billions. The amount I would be paid after all expenses were paid was $500.

I asked for help on FB but everyone was saying it must be a warning of a class action lawsuit. I knew that was not correct. This morning I recognized why I was sad from the dream. I will not be “paid” until the entire population of Earth is “paid”. The lawyer represents “judgement” or better yet, the scales of justice. I was being shown that for me to escape this place, so must everyone else here. One does not leave without the rest. We are all One. 

This is not the first time I’ve heard: We are all One. Thus, for one to advance/ascend, so must all the others. We are only as advanced/ascended as the least advanced/ascended in the group. We leave no one behind.

The best of us is no better than the worst of us and the worst of us is no worse than the best of us. 

When telling my husband about what I woke Knowing, an analogy came to mind. Imagine a group of people on a tiny lifeboat out in the vast ocean. There is a destination but the only way the boat will make it to that destination is with every person on that boat alive and intact. The thing is, the boat is horribly overcrowded, there are few resources, and the winds are unfavorable. Somehow, though, everyone on the boat must get along and help one another in order to complete the journey. If even one person dies, jumps overboard or pushes others off, the journey will fail. The boat will not be received on the other side unless the original occupants are all accounted for. 

This is our predicament on Earth. Everyone is out for themselves. People are pushing others off the boat, restricting resources, choosing sides, and just generally being selfish and self-interested. The only truly successful life is one where we show love and compassion for our fellow brothers and sisters despite every inclination to do otherwise. 

In my recent review of my old journals I read through a conversation with my guidance. In it I asked if I could “sit out” the “game”. I was told, “Of course you can. It is your choice.” Similarly, the post from 2013 (Tossing Pebbles) repeats that we all have a choice: “It all comes down to you.” I realized that if I sit out the game, which tends to be what I do, then I am not helping anyone, especially myself.

I know that if I were to die today and do a life review, I would be saddened by my lack of love and compassion towards others. 

All of the above was clear to me as I awoke. Of course, I struggle to know how to make changes so that I can be more like Jesus was. It seems easy but so much of my conditioning says, “Protect what is mine. Us versus Them. Survival of the fittest.” Uh-huh, exactly the problem.

Of course, I jump to extreme examples in my mind but the change doesn’t have to be extreme and sudden change. It is simply approaching each moment, each encounter, with, “How can I help?” It is shifting from viewing others as strangers to others as being my brothers and my sisters. And most importantly, listening to my heart and following it. If I do all these things, life will slowly transform into a more loving and compassionate one, and with it so will I. 

Days of Dreamwork

Since I’ve been back from Costa Rica, my dreams have been really vivid and somewhat odd! I often wake up with a realization or an understanding about some aspect of life. I have been warned now, several times, of upcoming changes. Some mornings I wake up in tears, other mornings I was up in ecstasy. lol I prefer the latter, of course, but, like you will see below, you can’t have the good without the bad. 😉

Below are some of those dreams.

July 25th – Dream: Embrace the Darkness

I was with a group and we were exploring an old resort that had been abandoned for a long time. It was still daylight when we went in. I saw a space that looked really new with large, leather sofa chairs and tables. I commented on how new they looked and wondered why they hadn’t sold them. I saw old phones and knew it had been a call center. Then we looked around and it started to get darker. We got separated and I was with this one guy. My flashlight on my phone wouldn’t work and settings kept coming up where I could select a weapon – knife, sword, etc. I began to get worried and at one point was all alone in a dark space. I worried it was haunted but nothing happened to confirm that. I remember seeing an old bathroom and walking down long halls. I knew to get out I had to go back the way I had come. I had to use the screen of my phone to light the way a few times but it was not near enough light. I remember thinking that the space was not unlike my dark bedroom and that all I had to do was close my eyes and go to sleep. There was nothing to be afraid of.

What is funny is that after I awoke and got out my phone, I accidentally turned on the flashlight! Hahaha!

I think the meaning of the last dream is that we need to get comfortable with the darkness. If we calmly walk through it we will find that the darkness is not scary at all and can be quite comforting. Eventually, if we are patient, we will find the Light. 

Ride the Wave, Enjoy the Ride

Recently, a FB ad kept coming up. After about the fifth time I paid attention and took a screenshot for proof. The reason it was so meaningful is because my sister’s name was in it. It is her name with the word “health” after it. Firstly, her name is rare. I’ve never met anyone with her name. Second, her name means “Goddess of truth”. Third, the word “health” does not describe her. If anything, her life has been the opposite. 

I sent the website to my mom and said, “Message or oxymoron?”

Later in the day, I spoke to my husband about my sister and her addictive tendencies. She works very hard to convince others she happy and without problems when on social media and even in person. I mentioned that she is afraid of her own darkness and so runs from it straight into anything which numbs her pain or hides the truth. I told him that we are not all that different from her, we just choose to distract ourselves in other, less harmful ways. 

Then last night I was finishing up watching a Netflix series called The Gift. The last episode reminded me of my dream. The show reminds us that life is a “gift”. The good and even the bad are to be relished. You cannot have one without the other. When I listened to the ending monologue I couldn’t help but think of the 8 Winds of Buddhism and how it applied. 

This morning, a dear friend of mine wrote about addiction and how so many of us are addicted, just not always to those things most stigmatized by society like drugs and alcohol. Addiction is our method of avoidance. Avoidance of pain, of uncomfortable truths, of life, etc. I realized what she wrote tied into everything above. This is part of what she wrote:

“What is your relationship to pain? Reflect on this….a lot. Learn to become aware of the pain, to stay present with it, to even be kind to it. Learn to breathe with it and give it space rather than allowing it to hold court. Stop believing that you shouldn’t have to feel it, or something is wrong with you or your life if it’s there. These are the fundamentals of self-compassion. If we don’t learn to consciously embrace our pain we will continue to self-medicate and dissociate from it, each other, and ourselves.”

So, it seems to me that my dream about the darkness was connected to the other incidents and realizations. I recognized this and understood that I need to confront some aspects of my own darkness. But what?

Dream: Just a Job

I remember being with a group of women. We were in a small space together getting ready – putting on makeup and making ourselves look beautiful. It didn’t take me long to recognize what we were preparing for. A knock came at the door and one woman was called forward and left with a man. I backed up, not really interested in working. I recognized that I was a call girl and knew I would be paid $65 for a half hour. 

I had all kinds of thoughts about my job. I remember knowing I enjoyed my work but then also that it was just “work”. I remember thinking it “fun” and being very interested in sexual acts of all kinds. I remember seeing two men together and being told to listen for a “pop” when they kissed (never heard it, not sure what it meant). I remember seeing a woman climb up on this inversion table-looking device where she laid out naked while another woman came from below. I saw all kinds of various sexual acts, some that would be considered taboo even, but I never once flinched. 

Then I was back in the room looking at a large palette of makeup. A woman was with me showing me some special lipsticks and bragging about selling them. It all reminded me of selling Mary Kay makeup and I was just not interested. In fact, I felt disinterested in pretty much everything in life. I just felt flat; neutral. I remember thinking that at least sex was fun. lol

When I woke I was a bit curious about the dream. It felt like it was an exploration of my past linked with some of my considerations in the present. It may explain why I don’t connect sex with love. Why I am so matter-of-fact when it comes to sex. I do recall past lives when I was a prostitute and it is likely I have been one in many more lives than I recall. The feeling of disinterest was strong and similar to how I feel presently. Perhaps this is part of my darkness? 

Regardless, the message seems to be that you can’t have the good without the bad. Ride the wave and enjoy the ride. 

July 26 – Night-Long Dream: Columbus Day

I was with a group in a forest. We were on a mission looking for someone(s). The most vivid part is when we went onto the lake (emotion). It was dark (unknown, hidden) and the water was solid but pliable. I was told that during the winter it would solidify only there was no ice, just darkness, almost like we were walking on the solar system in that it had a glittery appearance under the moonlight. At one point, though, a wave (unexpected event) came up and pushed me hard, throwing me a distance. Instead of landing on the surface, I fell down into the depths (forced into the unknown depths). Surprised that the water had opened up and swallowed me like that, I swam to the surface. As I swam, I saw a man’s foot and brushed his toes (togetherness). They were warm to the touch and I thought, “He’s still alive.” I told the people on top of the lake when I returned to them but we did not go get the man.

We then continued our search and came upon my mom’s house where somehow I ended up with some fajita meat and tortillas. I took them to a school to give them to a teacher there. When I gave them to her she laughed and asked if someone couldn’t wait and I noticed that several had been eaten. I confessed to eating one and seeing two others eat some also. She said she had hoped to feed 50 people but said it was not a problem because she had ordered a large turkey dinner. She place a huge turkey (fear) on a tray on the counter and showed me. Then, she gave me keys (access to something) and instructions on how to take the fajitas to her office. I went along a maze of hallways and came to a glass enclosed office with a counter out front. I saw the door and went around the side and was let into the office by a student. I didn’t even need to use the keys.

I realized the teacher was not a teacher anymore but some kind of supervisor to other teachers. She organized gatherings and didn’t actually teach classes. The two teachers under her both had PhD’s. I thought that I would never get a PhD in education because it made no sense to me. It felt like someone was asking me questions about my choices here, thus my thoughts.

The dream shifted to me sitting in some chairs in the school entrance. A small blonde girl had been with me and had been taken away. I sat down by a man and the girl was returned. Her hair had been dyed a dark brown. She hid under a large tray which I removed and put in a wagon I had with me. I then began to go over papers with lists of names as I sorted through clothing that was both mine and the man’s. I remember seeing names and explaining the names were of students in the alternative school where I use to teach. I mentioned how many had not made it to the next level and were repeats.

The man sitting next to me helped me sort the clothing as I read through the list. I was sorting out the clean from the dirty. I remember being a bit embarrassed at my underwear (private self) being there but he paid no attention to it. He was very quiet and accepting of me. I did see some of his clothing in the mix, but can’t recall what type. He was telling about himself, specifically that his birthday was in three days. I saw a calendar and Columbus Day. Yet for some reason I called him a Taurus so I was convinced the day was at the end of April. Someone asked, a guide I think, if this man was acceptable to me. I said, “Yes. He seems nice.” I liked how he was quiet and observant. His energy was very calm.

Then the dream shifted and I was standing near what resembled a crypt in an ancient temple. I looked below and saw two graves that were dug out and very deep. In adjacent rooms were more holes without bodies. I wanted to go down and looked toward a man who was sitting next to another man. I don’t know which man was the person I looked to but one said, “We want to be alone.” The feeling was they didn’t want me there. I took no offense and went exploring.

I walked around in what felt like a temple space that was very ornately painted with high ceilings. It felt like a place in Turkey maybe or it could’ve been Hindu. I came to a vendor who had tapestries and woven textiles. I looked through some of the smaller textiles, picked one up and noticed the patterns moved. I smiled as I realized I could control the movement and saw a bird taking flight. A man and woman approached, fascinated and the man asked me what I did for a living. I told him I used my imagination to make things better, that I do this in my dreams in order to make the world a better place. I showed him how and he was intrigued. He wanted to learn and grabbed a textile and I showed him. The image was of a person sitting in a garden. I made the bees buzz and move around the person. He tried and created moving images on his own textile.

Excited, the man took a tapestry and draped it around himself and walked away saying he was going to use his new ability to help him get the job he wanted. I watched him walk away, the tapestry forming to his body and hanging down like a white robe. I was pleased.

Considerations

When I woke I recalled two things specifically: the solid, dark water and Columbus Day. I knew the dark water was symbolic of the depths of my subconscious. I am thrown down into it (possibly the collision I’ve been warned about) and not afraid. I see a man’s foot and brush his toes (togetherness, the small details, more to be known). He is just floating there. I suspect this indicates a karmic relationship or maybe that I am aware of this man at some level. He is in my “depths”, below the surface, alive and waiting there.

The Columbus Day date was on my mind and I woke thinking, “Columbus Day is in October. It is not in April or May (Taurus).” I looked it up and sure enough it is in October. I was told a while ago now that I would meet someone in October. I wonder if this information is to indicate when? Is the man a Taurus? Or is his birthday really on Columbus Day? The laundry being sorted indicates that he and I share something intimate. The saying “airing my dirty laundry” comes to mind. This means “personal or private affairs that could cause distress or embarrassment if exposed.” Perhaps the man and I talk about personal things together? He felt like someone who does not judge, which may be why I am comfortable with him. He sat there calmly observing, which I liked.

The last dream also stayed with me, specifically my explanation about what I am here in this life to do. I create via my imagination and dreams, making things better here on Earth. I seek to make things more beautiful and images of nature appear in the fabric.

The empty graves in the crypt is interesting. They are far below me and very deep. I want to go explore but the man tells me to go away. An empty grave can mean resurrection or it can mean preparation for death. I remember thinking the empty graves odd and I was curious. Where were the bodies? So, it likely means resurrection.

July 31stDream: Free

The setting was reminiscent of a post-apocalyptic scene. I was a child in a large, nearly empty warehouse with other children. I recall being sent to bed and having to follow strict rules. I struggled to sleep and was sneaking around with other kids. I remember being strictly forbidden to have any relations with boys but I snuck around trying to do this without much success. There was fear but I’m not sure what of. I also recall being shown how I was born, which was not natural. Me and my siblings were born via a large, shallow pool with pods in it connected by a metal grid with tubes coming out. Natural birth no longer existed.

Then I was on a trip down a road being shown the state of the world. It was desolate and gray with lots of construction going on and large trains hauling materials and cleaning up debris. I saw statues of horses, hundreds of them, being piled into a train car by a crane which was pulling them out of a large, metal container. This visual was extremely oversized, as if it was meant to make an impact. On the other side of the road I saw a statue of a small deer and a man. I questioned what happened to all the animals. A man said they were all dead and all that was left was what I was seeing. I wondered if someone had turned all the animals into stone.

Then I was in an encampment. I overheard plans to bomb the neighbors who were called “The U.S.” The reason for the bombing was stated as a need to keep the country (or it’s influence) from getting bigger and becoming a threat. The thing is, the U.S. was not a threat. It was just a peaceful camp, not big enough to do any harm to anyone. I feared for them and wanted to warn them.

I snuck out and ran toward the U.S. side. I could see men sneaking around putting bombs in select places. Fearing the worst, I began to scream, “There are bombs! You need to get out!” There was this loud noise that drowned out my calls. It was coming from a large body of water where people were working. The workers were out in the water. I kept running toward them, screaming so much that my voice cracked and became hoarse. I ran until they could see me and finally they heard me and they began to run out of the water towards safety. I saw a horse startle and run away and also a rabbit. I thought, “They still have horses and rabbits here!” I was amazed. I swear I heard a voice answer, “Yes, they do.” The bombs began to go off all around, but the people escaped.

I was running to hide and found this bubbling stream or brook that went deep into the ground. I knew the path and jumped in, letting its waters take me down into darkness. I grabbed onto a root during part of the journey and then dropped into the abyss. It took me to the other side and I stepped out, hiding as I peeked out at the space. It was another workspace, like a warehouse with cranes and people wearing welding helmets. Someone saw me and I withdrew. Then a whole group of guys recognized me. They knew I had helped them.  

Then I was in my mom’s house. It was dark and I was with some others. I again felt to be sneaking around and doing what I should not. There was this large, black man who I recognized. I went up to him and he embraced me. I felt an amazing attraction to him. I also knew he was gay yet I didn’t care. It felt that life had restricted us so much that we wanted only to be free. The expression of this came as desire and when we embraced I felt as if I had been “released” and “set free” and I surrendered completely to the man. I wanted nothing more than to release all control to him and when I did this it was such a relief that all the pent up, suppressed life force within me was expressed as intended. It felt as if I was meant to be this way and I had no shame. And when I thought, “He is gay”, I didn’t care and knew it didn’t matter. I did not hold back. I was not afraid.

When I awoke my second chakra was aching and I realized that all I want is to be “free”. I feel that something deep within me wants only to fully surrender, to hand all control to another with full trust that he will protect and cherish me. A part of me is exhausted from life, from trying to control things, people and situations. All I want to do is flow with life, to feel fully and express what I feel without restrictions and rules. 

I was asked to look/feel into the feelings I was having and saw many occasions of men taking what was not theirs to take, misusing their power and creating fear where there should be none; times when I’ve surrendered fully only to have someone abuse the control I’ve handed them, taking with brute force what should be handled with care. I recognized that I purposefully withdraw and keep up my guard. I realized all I need to do to open up again is to trust and that is so very hard to do. Even the smallest sense of deceit from the other and I shut down, tight as a clamshell. I heard an encouraging voice say, “Trust……let it happen.” And there the message is again: Let it happen, let it happen. It’s gonna feel so good. 🙂

Running with Horses

The first time I ran with a horse, my sister-in-law and I took Chocolate (choco-latte) for a ride into town to get some groceries and a bite to eat. I was asked by my sister-in-law to ride another horse named Joy, but it was late and I was nervous about riding in the dark. I have not ridden one of the horses yet and the last thing I wanted to do is ride in the dark for that first ride.

On the ride in, Chocolate seemed to want me to be in the lead. So that is what I did and he perked up and displayed an eagerness to follow me. So, I decided to start running and my sister-in-law loosened up the reins and let him do as he pleased. He followed along at a trot and then ran faster to keep up with me. He preferred to run with his head right at the back of my head, nose at my ponytail, and my sister-in-law tried to move him to the right of me but he would continue to go back into that position. When I stopped he would stop. When I ran, he ran. He would sync his pace to mine every time.

We reached the grocery store and I was kind of fatigued and hungry, so my sister-in-law went the rest of the way while I stayed behind. She wanted to check on her garden keeper, Jose, who had a sick daughter. Chocolate wouldn’t go where she wanted at first. He circled around back behind me as if questioning, “Isn’t she coming?” I watched them leave and then ordered some food at a small restaurant where I watched people come and go. There was much more activity than I expected, but then it was a Saturday night.

When my sister-in-law returned she joined me for dinner and afterward we did our grocery shopping. Chocolate was tied up in a safe place but the entire time he kept his eyes on us and I could feel that he just wanted to be with us. If he could’ve, he would’ve stood right beside our table at the restaurant and probably would’ve tried to eat our dinner!

At one point, while Chocolate was standing with us, he beelined it for a man who was on the other side of the road. The man turned out to be from the US and had lived at a horse ranch for two years. He was very comfortable with Chocolate and seemed genuinely honored that Chocolate chose him to say “hello” to. The man was, however, carrying a package of vanilla sandwich cookies and he gave one to Chocolate who eagerly ate it up. We joked that it was the cookie Chocolate really was interested in. lol

On the trip home it was completely dark and started to rain. I had a small flashlight and took the lead. I would run and Chocolate would run behind me. Eventually, though, he began to run right beside me, his neck and shoulders lined up with me. At times he would get so close that when I turned toward him he would be only inches away but it made me laugh and feel more free to have him that close. He felt like a companion and it was clear we were synched up, both feeling the same joy and exhilaration of running.

During the homestretch I took off in a sprint and I could hear Chocolate do the same. I was laughing and screaming at the thrill of the feeling. I felt like a child playing a game of tag.

My sister-in-law was surprised at how comfortable I was with a horse as large as Chocolate that close to me while I was running. I never once felt fear or concern about how close he was. I just enjoyed myself and felt the freedom that I typically feel when I run. I think that might be why chocolate was so eager to run by my side. I was not mired down in thoughts, anxieties or worries, but living in the moment, which is exactly where horses are all the time.

Last night we tried it again with a different horse named Beloved. Same result but she was more serious as if she were “working” while Chocolate was more relaxed. Chocolate would be saying (if he could talk), “Yes! Let’s run!” and Beloved would be saying, “Must run. Must run.” lol

Update

Running with horses is just one piece of my healing journey, of course. There is a lot happening, though most of it is internal. With the freedom and space to be myself and feel myself, shit has been coming to the surface for release. It is intermittent, but frequent enough for me to recognize that I it will be a slow process.

I’ve tried to stay away from the internet and social media more and I believe it is best that I do because when I have, there have not been good feelings arising from the few interactions I’ve had. It feels like the Universe is saying, “Step away.” If I don’t, then something distasteful comes up.

For example, one day, while just lounging on a hammock listening to nature sounds and soaking up the space around me, someone left a comment on my FB page. I went ahead an answered but soon realized I should have just turned off my phone. The person was someone who frequently engages in conversation with me so I didn’t feel any dis-ease about it but it was apparent that my responses were not what was expected or wanted. There was a blow up on her end where I was accuse of not being open to new things/suggestions and using my blog and FB only to get attention. While I wasn’t triggered by the interaction I was saddened by it.

To be honest, I am not being very open to new things and new people right now – purposefully. I am very selective and cautious, seeking only those interactions that call to me. What I feel directed to do is Be with myself, nurture myself, and give myself the space to process the crap I have not felt safe enough to process. My favorite things to do right now is be in nature and interact with all the creatures in it from butterflies to monkeys, horses, plants, water and everything in between.

I specifically don’t want to be around people very much. Sure, I do interact with others, but rarely and very selectively. For example, I had a wonderful Lomi Lomi massage on Monday by a woman who came to my location. She integrated energy work into her massage, which was wonderful. Similarly, while having dinner with my SIL a couple of nights ago, I met a woman from L.A. who was in the process of relocating here and listened to her experiences and stories finding many similarities to my own. She had been to Mt. Shasta like me and it helped me recognize the very different energies of vortex locations and their purposes and affect on me. Mt. Shasta is elevating, Cabuya is purging. The energy here is very specific – it says “you are safe” and “allow yourself to feel, BE and release”. This, apparently is the experience of many others who visit, also.

This morning I awoke from a dream in which I was once again in a school as a teacher. I won’t go into details of the dream, but when I awoke my guidance and I discussed where I’m at presently in my life. I was also asked to “see” my future, which I can do but honestly don’t want to because I’ve been let down so much by doing that. I struggle to keep expectation out of what I see. I recognized that I will, at some point, want to be around people again, that I will be more available to others in a giving/healing capacity like I once was so many years ago (another lifetime it seems). Where I’m at now is not that at all. It is the complete opposite.

Eventually, when asked to contemplate where I am heading, I was asked if I could see or imagine the person I will one day become. I can’t and the thought of being that way makes me want to hide and curl up in a ball.

Ultimately, my response was, “I’m not ready”, and a part of a song came to mind and began to repeat:

I just want the bad feelings to end
But there’s some shit I can’t forget
I don’t think I’m ready yet
Hit me up another time

Maybe one day I’ll change my mind

This is the whole song if you’re interested:

This morning when I opened the front door, a massive butterfly the size of my hand flew past me. Something about seeing it reminded me of the conversation with my guide and the song above. I started to cry as I swept the floor and prepared for my day. The realization that I’m not ready caused the tears. I want to be ready. I’m so tired, though, and it is obvious I need a lot of rest and self-care.

A Typical Day

I wake around 5:30am and linger in bed for a while before waking to make my coffee and lounge around a bit more. I am working remotely, so I usually log in and check emails, etc. Some days I put this off and other days I get right to business. Usually while working I open the front door and sweep away the previous night’s insect party remains (lol).

Sometimes I lay in the hammock, other times I follow that morning’s nature sound to figure out what it is. Usually this curiosity leads me to something fascinating. For example, two days in a row I heard strange sounds, followed them and found a troop of capuchin monkeys. The second day I did this, I arrived just in time to see two fall mid-flight to the ground and not get up. I stood watch for a while and marveled at how the troop remained close by to make sure their fallen comrades were not alone. The two eventually woke up, dazed and stumbling around, to join the troop.

Then I go out to help feed and tend to the six horses. I spend time with them, give them water and showers with the hose and clean out their water trough. Often I go and pick mangoes to give them as a treat. Afterward, I make breakfast for my SIL and myself and we usually talk and decide what may happen that day.

The rest of the day I do whatever I feel like doing. Yesterday I went for a swim with the horses (SIL came, too) in the sea and then went for a horse run to the local grocery store. Many days, though, I don’t do much besides work and lay around. In the evening I usually lay in the hammock or talk with my SIL. I have taken a trip to the closest town a couple of times. I caught the bus with my SIL and then got on another one into the bigger town called Cobano where we buy larger items and have access to more stores, etc. This is where I will go to get my Covid test before I finally leave on the 18th.

By evening I am usually already getting tired by 6-7pm. The sun is setting anyway and my eyes and body feel heavy to the point that I can’t often fight the tiredness. Some nights the night creatures startle me. For examples, I keep having visits by land crabs. One was even trapped in my kitchen sink! I also see lots of large toads on my porch. I like to watch them stuff themselves on the buffet of fresh bugs my light attracts. The geckos are also interesting but I dislike them because they leave poop gifts all over, sometimes in my coffee cup! Yuck! I have to keep a fan on high in my room to stay cool and keep any flying bugs away. The mosquitoes can get really bad at night. Some mornings I wake up to random mystery bites on my body that itch and I wonder what critter crawled in bed with me. Thankfully, I sleep so good I don’t notice the bugs if they are on me.

Lately I’ve been missing some modern conveniences like a/c and hot showers. I even looked for a resort to spend my last week at but have not felt motivated to follow through. You can get a room at a resort for $700/week or less! Some come with great perks like breakfast and dinner included and/or a free Covid test. Ha! I get tired of some of the drawbacks of the simple life like septic systems that can’t handle TP (you put it in the trash and it tends to stink) and sauna like conditions that only go away in the late evening hours. I am sweating most of the time and it can make me feel dirty and gross. I also wish I had a car. I can go most places on foot but the best ones are too far to walk to. It would be nice to have some better food options and to not have to put everything in the fridge because of ants eating through the packages and feasting on unopened food! Thankfully ants don’t seem to like coffee. lol

Messages

Here are a some pictures of the critters I’ve seen repetitively and the messages they bring. All of the messages are true for me right now.

Pause. Love the Now.

Pulled this post off my private journal. It was written on May 28th.

Putting together some messages I’ve received over time. Since they’re repeating it means I’m misinterpreting them somehow. 

This morning on my walk, I was concerned about something that recently happened. My husband booked a flight to Costa Rica without consulting with me first. We were planning to go anyway but he went ahead and bought the tickets – $4700! I hadn’t expected the flight to cost so much, but that wasn’t my main concern. I worry about the trip, going to a foreign country with my kids, then having to get tested for Corona just to get back into the US. There are other worries but mostly I have major discomfort when I do anything out of the norm, or anything that takes me away from the familiar – Hermit tendencies in a nutshell.

As I walked along, a song kept going through my head and the part “come back to the sea” repeated. Then I looked down and saw something in the grass. It was an insert from a cigarette package that said, “Pause. Love the Now.” I picked it up knowing it was a message. When I picked it up, I recalled more song messages, messages I’ve received over the past couple of months.

The first song message – “come back to the sea” seemed to fit the idea of going to Costa Rica. We will be staying on the Pacific ocean with my husband’s half-sister (so my SIL). She has a horse ranch where she does equine therapy. The ranch is located on a peninsula walking distance to the ocean. There are cottages on the land. One is occupied by my SIL and I think there are two more – a one bedroom and two bedroom. We will be staying in the two bedroom cottage.

The other two messages are the same one, just different songs – “Where are you now?” This is a reminder to stay in the present; to not be distracted by the past or the “what if’s” of the future.

Then another song came to mind – “Let it happen.” When I first received this message I thought it was related to the Kundalini and my tendency to resist the energy because of its intensity and the fear it triggers.

Another message, this one repeated by my husband a lot lately, is, “Sometimes you just need to DO it! You can worry about the ‘how’ later.” That message is self explanatory. 🙂

As I looked at the message in my hand, I had an, “Ah ha!” moment. It was like a light bulb went off.

My guides have been trying to tell me to just let life happen. To just flow with life (be in the present moment) and if I do that, I will end up where I need to be. 

It became clear to me that in my resistance I have missed opportunities to be led where I need to be and to the people I need to meet. I overthink things. I resist almost immediately those things brought up for my consideration, usually by my husband. But, as a Projector, it is the Generators in my life who have the energy to get me things or take me places. If I keep turning down their offers, nothing will change. I will remain stuck. All I can do is tell them what I need and allow them to provide the means for me to get there.

For example, this Costa Rica trip has come up previously.  In 2020, my husband suggested I go and stay with his sister and use that time to rest, regenerate and get clear on things. I resisted and since it was during Corona there were just too many stops. A big one was that we couldn’t get passports for the kids at the time and I didn’t want to travel there alone. Recently, he suggested the trip again and, surprisingly, filled out the paperwork for the passports (almost all by himself) for the kids and they arrived last week. He wasted no time buying the tickets. My husband thinks I should stay behind rather than return to the U.S. with them. He tells me to take as much time as I need to get clear, heal, regenerate, etc. He even suggested I try equine therapy. My SIL is on board with this, happy to have family around and eager to share her passion. She has lived in Costa Rica for over two years. She says the location is a “vortex”; very rejuvenating and healing.

I have been resistant to this idea the whole time. Mostly, I am just uncomfortable with all the unknowns. I don’t like traveling very much. I get anxious and worry about the ‘what if’s’. I come up with tons of reasons why we/I shouldn’t do things. I realize now I am just resistant to change of any kind, even if the outcome may be positive. My resistance is born from fear and/or my tendency to withdraw and retreat inward. 

Most recently I’ve been trying to build a cabin at my mom’s. It has been difficult to get the go ahead from anyone. I find resistance from my husband and my mom. My husband always asks, “What’s your goal?” My answer is, “To get away. To get space to find myself.” He responds that he has trouble thinking ahead with my idea of building a cabin. He said, “What are you going to do there? Just sit in it?” lol He suggested, “Just go somewhere. Just do it.” He is willing to let me have space and distance for however long I need. I think I want to be at my mom’s so that I can be close to home, to the familiar. It will keep me closer to my kids, too. Yet, he is probably right that the more distance, the more unfamiliar, the better. If I am too close to home, I will be tempted to go home too soon and at the first sign of discomfort. Also, if I stay on my mom’s land, she inevitably will visit, probably daily. I love my mom and enjoy spending time with her, but her influence would go against my goal of getting space and distance from the intentions and influences of others. My mom especially would like to see me and my husband stay together. I tend to easily be pressured by her desires of me, also.

And who knows what or how the Universe will provide? I have fallen victim to the trap of thinking I have control. Ha! 

Then there is the fact that by my design, I am meant to “go with the flow”, easily let go and follow my Higher Self. I have not been going with the flow! I think of what I want – good – but then I think I have control of how I get it. I don’t let the Universe step in and provide it because I keep getting in the way! 

I am reminded of when I decided to return to work. I listed what I wanted in my new job and then felt a need to ask my husband to help me. Within a week I had the job I have now – a perfect fit! I stepped aside and let the Universe show me the way and it worked – fast. 

I don’t know what is best for me, even though I think I do. Sometimes what I want is not what I need. I may end up in Costa Rica and feel I don’t want/need to stay behind on my own. Or I could love it and desire more time. I don’t know how I will feel when I get there. If I am operating from a place of resistance, it most definitely will leave me confused and unbalanced.

From Today

We leave for Costa Rica on the 18th of June and return on the 27th. Costa Rica doesn’t require a Covid test to enter, which is nice, but they do require us to buy health insurance. This cost us $250. We have to stay in a hotel the night of our arrival and the day before our departure because of the departure time of our flights. We also have to rent a car while we are there because the ranch is about a 5 hour drive from San Jose. For some reason there were not many options for day/times when my husband booked our airfare. We suspect the airlines have consolidated flights and hiked fares.

To return to the U.S. everyone has to have a negative Covid test taken within three days of the return flight. The health insurance we purchased should take care of the cost, but the test is unpleasant. Yuck. And no, even if we all get vaccinated, proof of a negative Covid test result is still required.

Once we get to the ranch there is no charge for our accommodations and my SIL will act as our guide. I have no idea what we will do while we are there. I prefer to just see the country and enjoy nature, but knowing my husband there will be activities every day.

I did my SIL’s HD chart to check out her energy and profile type. She is a 4/1 (very rare, 2% of population) Emotional Manifesting Generator. I researched it a bit and then sent her a summary of what I discovered during my brief research. Turns out, she has a Juxtaposition cross, which is rare in itself. She isn’t here to make karma nor to resolve it. She has her own path and others can/will get pulled onto her path, but she won’t get pulled onto others’ paths.

Here is part of what I wrote to her about her profile type:

You are designed to study and immerse yourself in something you love and then influence others with your knowledge base. Once you have studied enough to build a foundation, you use your communication and personal skills to share your knowledge of that subject with your network. Your quality of life is deeply dependent upon the quality of your network. You need your network to effectively externalize your knowledge base. Even though you are fixed like an oak tree you are also vulnerable. You are so fixed you can be broken and the pieces can be hard to put back together. In order to stay steady on your path it is important for you to stay exactly who you are and not change for anyone else. Others need to adapt to you, not the other way around. 

Relationships – 4/1’s cannot be in a relationship where they are resisted or there is lack of trust or loyalty. 4/1’s will be the most loyal and generous of friends if they have trust, loyalty and pure transparency from the other.

Knowing this is helpful for me, especially if I decide to stay. I prefer to be around other Projectors but if I am going to be around a Generating type, I prefer one with emotional authority, probably because that is my mom’s authority and I am use to it.

I don’t know what will happen with this trip. Will I stay or will I return? All I know is that my Authority (Higher Self) is nudging me to get away for a while. I need to do this. When I had my HD Foundation Reading, I said this more than once and there was an energy behind my words that moved me within. There’s no denying the truth of it, then. The how of it was not part of what I vocalized, but then that isn’t surprising. So, I have to allow the Universe to provide me with the right environment and space. Is it Costa Rica? Maybe.

Thankfully, I have the support of my husband and others, so if I decide to stay it will be O.K. I will be taking my laptop with me so that, if I have to, I can work while abroad. Thankfully, my job is almost 100% remote so as long as I have a computer and internet I can work. The only issue is when I have to pay the company bills. I have to physically put the checks in a printer, etc., but my husband is willing to do that part of my job so I don’t have to worry about it. The cool thing is my job pays more than enough to provide for whatever I need while I’m there. The cost of living in Costa Rica is very, very affordable. I can live very well on less than $1500/month. 🙂

Part of me is ready and willing to be gone a good six months. Part of me is terrified about what that may mean. Will my world come tumbling down around me? Would my staying lead to major shifts in not only my world, by my husband’s?

Funny enough, I mentioned that I knew things would crumble down around me in my reading but I added, “It’s not my world anyway. It’s his [my husband’s].” Bingo.

One last thing – yesterday morning I woke up with a song on my mind: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Not exactly sure why or if it means anything. I did notice it was written the same year my SIL was born – 1966. 🙂 Wanted to put it here just for the fun of it.

Lucid Dream and Message: Express Yourself

Woke up in tears this morning. It seems my request to Remember is being granted. Slowly but surely lucidity is returning to my dreams and I am being allowed to recall the work I’m doing in dreamtime.

Lucid Dream: Sexual Encounter

I became semi-lucid. Part of me thought I was actually awake but another was aware that it was a dream. I was laying in bed and felt to be both in my physical bed and my dream bed simultaneously. In the dream scene I was aware of an office-type environment and people from my work talking and moving about in an adjacent room. 

I lingered in bed, very relaxed and calm. Energetically, I was aware of my root and second chakras and the feeling was very seductive, almost like there was someone there with me. I do remember talking to someone, so it could be that I was not alone, but at the time it was just me in my bed. I can’t recall the discussion in detail but I believe I was telling him how the energy made me feel. The more I described the energy and sensations, the more they grew. It was as if my words magnified the energy. 

There is a brief moment when I requested a specific person be there with me. I requested this person by name more than once. It surprises me now that I did this but then it also makes perfect sense because I’ve often thought of this person as my teacher.

Eventually, I recall hearing a distinctive male voice say, “Relax and go with it.” When hearing his words there was recognition that I was focusing too much on the energy and effectively blocking its movement. Instantly I released my attention and the energy suddenly burst through all at once and then slowed until it flowed in a steady stream, circulating between the lower chakras. Interestingly, the sudden burst of sexual energy did not awaken me and I remained in a lucid state with the dream scene.

The next thing I remember is reaching toward “the voice” and encountering a body. Everything about what I felt was physically real. It was very obviously a male body. I felt along his arms and shoulders and then felt his hairy chest. I could also see him in my mind’s eye but my vision never turned on. What I saw was only what I touched, so I never saw a face. I’m not sure I wanted it to. It seems like I wanted the man to remain a mystery but in my mind I was thinking he was “husband” but not my actual husband in my waking life. So which husband? I have no idea! lol Honestly, it didn’t matter at the time because I was immersed in exploring through touch. The entire time this energy continued to swirl and, funny enough, I became very comfortable with it despite its highly erotic nature.

The very physical sensations eventually woke me up and the voice from the dream followed me into wakefulness. He was asking me questions about my experience. One in particular was about the sensation of touch. He asked if I could tell the age of a person by feel. I said, “No, not really.” The questioning seemed to be about the sense of touch versus vision. It became clear to me that using my physical eyes could be counter productive in certain situations. I was reminded of how I am meant to see the world with my inner eyes, not the physical ones, because the physical eyes support the illusion while the inner eyes see the truth. My mind was filled with past experiences where this was painfully obvious. I hadn’t realized how much my physical eyes contribute to the solidification of the illusion within the framework of this physical experience. So often I have tossed my inner Knowing about someone or something because my physical eyes see something else!

Dream: Express Yourself 

Although I woke up for a short time, when I fell back to sleep I returned to the dream scene. Still in bed, I saw my son come into the room and change his shirt. When he left, I followed him out and saw someone from work directing people about in a classroom. The feeling in the space was one of organized chaos. I Knew that in this space I could be myself and no one would judge me. 

Something caught my attention and I turned around to see that behind me was outdoors. A blonde, thin woman who was about my age, was receiving a yellow bikini to try on. I remember seeing her and thinking she was quite attractive for her age and had taken good care of her body. She looked a decade younger than she was.

When she put on the bikini bottoms they were like bloomers rather than normal bottoms. She disliked this and another bottom was provided. She went behind a screen to try it on but took her time. When she came out, everyone was applauding, expecting her to shine in her new bikini, but she was wearing a brown dress that looked like a potato sack. When I asked her why she wasn’t wearing the bikini, she said it showed her love handles. A flash of what she was talking about came to mind. Two very small bumps above her hips. I told her how beautiful she was and that she didn’t have any love handles. She didn’t believe me and walked away.

When I turned back toward the classroom, I was invited to come inside and observe. The room was dark but various colored lights were flashing, giving the appearance of stars. There were six rows of desks with students. Music was playing and the students were singing, one-by-one, when their turn came. I sat down in the front, left desk – the only open seat. To my left was a screen and music was playing from it. I turned and looked around at the students. They were all smiling and friendly. Again, I felt that I was in a safe space, one where everyone was accepted and loved.

The music was spectacular and the singing even more so. The entire room was lit up with a vibrant energy and I was immediately impressed. Each student was given a chance to express their own inner truth however it came to them and the music shifted based upon which student was singing. Their words are lost to me now but I was deeply moved by each student regardless of the tone of their songs. Some were sad, others joyous, and some a mixture of emotion. Every song expressed the individual’s unique Self and each song contributed to the energy of the space creating a chorus unlike any I’d heard before. 

As I watched the progression and listened to their individual voices, I began to have all sorts of emotions arise out of me. The more songs I heard, the more my own song began to emerge. It is hard to pinpoint just one emotion because there were so many. Part of me wanted very badly to participate. I wanted to stay there with them forever. I was impressed by the teacher who mainly just facilitated the group and gave her support. 

A familiar song came to mind. The words, “Where are you now?” repeated over and over.

And then I began to sob. The emotion came from deep within and just poured out of me. I began to feel very self-conscious and worried someone would see my ugly red eyes and nose. I attempted to hide my face but a student to my right locked eyes with me and smiled. The message was, “It’s okay”, and a rush of love and acceptance swirled around me, hitting my heart dead center. After that, there was nothing I could do but allow.  

I woke up in tears, the song’s words repeating in my head and the voice saying, “Express yourself.” I was invited to return to that very sexual, creative energy from the previous dream. When I did, I would feel a sudden calm, which was surprising to me, and a clarity would come over me. But then I would shift out of it again, and the emotion would pour out. I was concerned about my past, the mistakes I’ve made, the lack of progress I perceived, the decisions that I regretted – but mostly that my past felt hollow and without any purpose; pointless. The voice reminded me not to judge myself so harshly. I thought of a specific “mistake” and he said, “You were not ready.” 

Dream Considerations

The first dream reflects how I’ve been feeling lately. For some reason I’ve been feeling extremely sexual. I haven’t been focusing on it really, just noticing. It has been a very long time since I’ve had a dream like this one, one where I feel someone physically with me, hear them audibly, and do not awaken from it. My sense is that I was being taught how to handle the lower chakra energies. My tendency is to either avoid them altogether or to overly focus on them which makes the energy that much more intolerable. I was shown that just allowing the energy diminishes the intensity and makes it much easier to tolerate. In fact, it became almost like a background energy to the remainder of the dream. Surprise!

The questions I am asked are also interesting and revealing. Again, it appears my considerations about old age and appearance are coming up for inspection. When I was younger, I really had no issue dating men older than me. In fact, I tended to be attracted to men 7+ years older than myself and dated one that was 12 years older than me for a while. Ha! Back then, when I was in my late 20’s, a man in his mid-30’s and early 40’s didn’t seem old at all. Huh. Now that I’m in my 40’s, though, I am beginning to fear old age – the wrinkles, saggy skin, age spots, etc. So, anyone older than me just reminds me that I am getting old, too. Yet in this dream I am reminded that what the physical eyes see is limited and wrought with conditioning and expectation. I am asked to use my inner vision and feeling to guide me and disregard my physical vision. Feel into a person’s energy and use that to “see” them.

The second dream appears to be another healing dream. First, I am shown myself in the woman trying on the bikini. She is me and how she thinks of herself – how critical she is of her body – is so very like me. Then, I am taken to a space that is full of unconditional love and acceptance and given the opportunity to express myself. I am allowed to see how everyone’s unique song is part of a bigger “chorus”. All ranges of emotion are included. Nothing is seen as “bad” or “shameful”. No one laughs or mocks anyone else. Pure acceptance. The feeling is beyond amazing and I want so badly to participate. I want to stay there forever. The emotion that arises, though, indicates I do not feel worthy.

The message in the song is that I need to focus on the present. “Where are you now?” is asked so that I focus on the present. The past is in the past. There is nothing but Now.

Dream Meeting: Maxim

My sleep continues to be less than ideal. I wake frequently and only get about 6 good hours a night. My days are busy and I find that, although I have content to blog about, I don’t have the time I would like to focus on writing. I usually jot down something in my private journal and leave it there, hoping to have time later to write about it. But I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t write it right then, I probably never will.

This month of March has not turned out to be as interesting as I’d hoped. With all the signs and syncs leading up to now, I’d thought for sure some kind of meeting or encounter would’ve happened. My guess is I interpreted it all wrong because nothing – nada – has happened. I still don’t get why the Universe would send me those tarot cards but I guess the cards were relaying info about the past or present and NOT the future. That’s okay. I’m use to the same-ol-same, day in and out. I’m good at keeping busy. I’ve got a good life. I’m just a tad bit…..bored.

Ah, the story of my life! My guides are probably going, “Oh no! Dayna’s bored again!” My poor guides. lol If anything they threw those signs and syncs my way to keep me guessing and wondering. There’s nothing better at keeping someone occupied than a good mystery to solve….or wait for in my case. That carrot on the stick scenario gets me every time. Why do I keep falling for it? Oh yeah, I’m bored.

I will give you another cool story which, BTW, also ties into my dream this morning.

A little more than a week ago (March 17) my husband lost his AirPod Pros again. Yes, again. Ugh! I was furious with him and on his case a little more than I like to admit. I can get kinda fixated on stuff especially when I’m….bored. lol Anyway, I decided one night to just let it go again because my main upset was that it seemed like he didn’t care. So I figured, why should I?

That night I had a dream. Pay attention here. In the dream I was given a small, brown box. When I opened it, inside were the missing AirPods. Not long after I saw a small balloon that said, “Happy Birthday”. In amongst this was a short dream where I was receiving lots of emails to the point that it was too much and I felt overwhelmed. When I woke I decided to tell my husband that I had accepted that the AirPods were gone.

The dream came to pass the next day. I was overwhelmed most of the morning. My schedule was off because of an a/c maintenance man visiting. I also was getting emails like crazy – asking for readings and dream interpretations. Somehow, though, I managed despite being in a sour mood. Later in the day, as I was preparing dinner, I went to the garage to toss something in the trash. I turned and saw the minivan and thought, “I need to check for the AirPods.” So, I opened the side door and immediately noticed a tiny, white object in between the seats. I had found them! 

Not long after I went for a walk with Monty. On the walk I spotted a tiny balloon that said, “Happy Birthday.” I knew it was from the dream. Even after that when my husband was watching The Simpson’s I noticed that they kids in the episode were tossing water balloons at the bully. They said, “Happy Birthday.” 

So the syncs continue and good things keep happening, I’m just being a grump because life’s not…..exciting enough? Well, just not the kind of excitement I like. I can hear my guides saying, “Persnickety.” Guess so.

What kind of excitement do I like? The spiritual kind, of course! If it’s spiritual, bring it on! Thankfully, I got a pretty cool dream so I’ll be good for another day or so.

Dream Meeting with Maxim

I entered into an auditorium where many people were gathering. At the booth where we were to register, a man was instructing everyone on what to do. I remember that he sent the group down the hall for an orientation or something similar. When I arrived and was asked to follow the group I chose not to. It didn’t feel like something I wanted to do or that I needed for that matter. Instead, I walked to the back of the auditorium, considering my options. I was undecided – do I do my own thing and hope no one notices or do I go along with the group and suffer that misery (I hate groups)?

Eventually, I noticed that everyone walking around had on a name tag (recognition) but I didn’t. For some reason it felt like I needed one and I knew the only way to get one was to go where the group (need others to be known) went. So, I decided to go find the group and hopefully get my name tag (recognition).

As I walked in the direction of the group I ran into other groups. Many were of children who had with them teachers. I noticed a hallway and looked down it, hoping to get an idea of which room my group had gone in. The hallway was long and had many doors, all of them closed (feeling shut out). The hallway was littered with trash but the walls and floors were very white and otherwise clean. It just looked like the kids had been messy with art paper and no one had cleaned it up yet. Realizing it was too late to rejoin my group, I turned back and headed back to the corner where I had been observing everyone.

I discovered the section where I had lingered before was a separate room with a large viewing window (my cave, safe space, hermitage). It reminded me of those rooms in churches where the nursing mothers or mom’s with screaming babies would go to still participate in church services without creating a distraction. I was able to see the auditorium and all the people clearly but remain separate from the group – just like I like it.

In my little space was a man. He was sitting at a desk writing on a piece of paper. I somehow knew he was there to help me.  He had been looking through my emails in order to get the answers to questions on a paper he was filling out. When I arrived he smiled and said, “Happy birthday (from my other dream).” Then he began to read to me what he had written. It was a description of my character in this lifetime. I can’t recall what he said but I remember key pieces. He described me as selective of who I chose to spend time with but the way he articulated it made me sound like someone with much wisdom and experience. He said I paved my own path and cared little for what others thought of me. 

The way he described me took all those things which I find faulty within myself, things others have criticized, and presented them as my special gift to humanity. It was like I was hearing about an important leader in history, one that made significant contributions to humanity and so was honored, recognized and remembered for it.

My initial response was, “You see me!” I felt his recognition and was relieved to be acknowledged. Then I said, “You got all that from reading my emails?” He laughed and said, “Yes.” I said, “Wow.” I paused, considered what I had heard and said, “I really like myself.” He said, “I do, too.” 

By this time I was standing face to face with him. He was short and stalky. His face had smile lines that indicated he was a kind, generous individual with a gentle, loving demeanor. He was completely bald and had a scholarly quality to him. I knew he was a professor at the university I attended. He introduced himself to me. He said his name was “Maxim”. There was a last name but I can’t remember it and I only remember his name because I repeated it.

I asked him, “Why are you helping me?” He said, “Because you helped me.” I thought on this and couldn’t recall ever helping him. I said, “I don’t remember helping you.” He indicated that I had and that he was indebted to me, thus his appearance in my life now. I figured I must have helped him in some other life.

Still in awe of how well he had described my character in this lifetime, I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to be like him, to be able to “read” a person as well as he had me and help them see themselves as a gift to the world. He indicated that he heard me, so I must have spoken this aloud. He turned and looked toward the room we were in and asked, “How can you help?” It seemed like he was asking how I could help from within the confines of the space I was in. I thought for a moment and then said excitedly, “You can bring them to me. I have a Master’s in Counseling. Maybe I could counsel people?” He said matter-of-factly, “You mean you have two Master’s degrees.” I said, “No…but I have two degrees in the same field – education.” He looked at me in such a way that I second guessed my response. I wondered, “Does he mean Master’s degree like I think? Or does he mean some other kind of Master?”

Maxim smiled and motioned to what was happening outside my window. I looked and saw a group of people gathered in celebration of certain honored individuals. He told me that I was one of the honorary ones and had been “chosen”. Then he said, “If you look, you will see yourself.” It felt like he wanted me to look at an old photograph but was motioning to the scene outside the viewing window of the room where a group of people were on stage. I looked and in front of me were old photographs of what appeared to be a group of scholarly individuals wearing robes all standing together. It reminded me of an old photograph from a yearbook. As I scanned the faces I spotted a woman who I knew was me, though she appeared differently than I do in this life.

Maxim returned to the subject of my situation, specifically my being in the room observing the group but not wanting to be a part of it. He stated, “You stop, you see, you leave.” I’m not sure these were his exact words but I saw a visual in my mind of his words. I would meet someone, stop if I felt called to, interact with and/or observe them a while, and then leave. It was not a judgment of my actions, quite to the contrary, it was a recognition of my specific gifts. After hearing this and seeing the meaning behind it, it felt like he was specifically commenting on my relationships with others in this lifetime. I wondered, “Does that mean it is time to leave?” 


Message: Build What You Want

It was at this point I woke up but Maxim remained close and continued to communicate with me. He said, “Build what you want [in life]”. Along with this I felt nudged to really feel into what it was I wanted to experience in this life. My immediate response was to go to that feeling of Divine Oneness and the call that I recently had but refused. He asked me why I did not answer the call and I said, “I’m afraid of what will happen to my life.” I like my room with a view. I like the life I have created thus far. Though Maxim wasn’t pushing me to go outside my “room” I felt nudged and knew, at some point, I would venture out again, but only if the invitation was good enough. It would have to be better than what I already have, something irresistible, that’s for sure. 

Eventually, I ended up falling back to sleep and dreaming another dream. I won’t go into that dream but when I woke my thoughts were on my HD profile and being a 6/2 self-projected Projector. A recent video I had watched by Ra Ura Hu, the creator of Human Design, on Projectors came to mind. 

He said Projectors are “on the ascendency”. He also mentioned how Projectors study to become masters at what they do. I wondered about this and my dream came to mind. Does this “study” mean actual school? If so, then I studied teaching and counseling – helping others, especially children. But what of my other “studies”, those of the spiritual kind? I have had so much hands-on training in that area – almost 20 years. In considering all the things I’ve studied in this life, the one that brings the most joy is the spiritual. I wondered which studies I will use when I “come down from the roof” to be the Role Model I am here to be? Perhaps that is what Maxim was referring to when he said I had two Master’s degrees – one a very physical one and the other spiritual. I wondered aloud to my guidance, “What do I do?” I knew, though, that I am not meant to know. I am meant to answer a call and then and only then will I Know what it is I am to do.

Then I was reminded of a recent dream where I was in a closet and a Bulgarian man was trying to get me to leave and explore outside. When I looked up the name Maxim I discovered it is Bulgarian. Could Maxim have been the man in that dream who was bugging me to leave my closet? Probably. If you haven’t read that dream, you should. It is pretty awesome!

Dream Message: You’re Afraid to Eat

Sleep has been delayed these last couple of nights but when I do finally sleep I sleep well. I believe the energetic shifts I’ve been experiencing lately are related to geomagnetic activity. Solar activity has been high and my sleep cycle and “symptoms” coincide with these events. I was actually warned in advance of these solar flares, I just did not mention them until now.

Yesterday’s activity:

That’s a HUGE flare! Another storm is anticipated today.

This morning I had a very telling dream that has left me feeling contemplative.

Dream: You’re Afraid to Eat

This dream began in my bedroom at my mom’s house. I was sleeping with the bed facing toward the wall. There was a ton of noise to my left and the door burst open. Tiny, pink pieces of fluff were floating around and falling on me. I recognized them as insulation (insulating myself) from the attic. I told the person opening the door to go away. I said, “I want to sleep!” I was grumpy from being awakened. The man told me they were doing work on the a/c and that I would just have to deal with it. 

Somehow I knew that my mom was the cause of all the ruckus. She had remarried a Mexican man who now was fixing up her house. He had his guys there helping. An entire backstory came into my memory and I knew my new step-dad was related to someone I once dated. I said aloud to someone, “This is crazy! My mom is married to my ex-boyfriend’s older brother!” The idea of it was preposterous. Sure, my ex was older than me but I don’t recall him even having an older brother and if he did he would be much to young for my mom!

Then I was sitting on my bed sorting through a pile of typed pages. There were three piles each well over 200 pages. Someone was talking to me about the book I’d written, asking if it was complete. I remember saying, “The book writes itself so I won’t know when it’s done until it tells me.” 

Suddenly curious about my book, I put the book in order, taking the three individual stacks (three lives within a life) and piling them up on top of each other so that the first chapter was on top. Each section was bound up as if a separate book and I knew somehow that the entire book was composed of other books, like “Parts”, because the book itself was extremely long. I counted three parts. This seemed significant but I was mostly focused on putting them in order. Note: Up until this point in my life I feel I have lived two lives, each distinct and unique. This goes along with HD in that I’m a 6 line and 6’s have three distinct phases of life – the first is the testing phase, the second is the observing phase (on the roof) and the third is the action phase (becoming the Role Model).

I read the first sentence and immediately discovered grammatical errors. I knew a thorough edit was in store. The first sentence began with four names – two boys and two girls – and indicated an action. Other than that I can’t recall what it said. I do remember the names were wrong – misspelled and one written twice – and I was thinking of changing them when the edit just wrote itself on the paper. I didn’t have a pencil or pen so was shocked to see my thoughts created the changes. In awe, I exclaimed, “Look! Did you see that! I changed it”, to someone with me that I never saw or heard reply.

The dream shifted here and I was suddenly in my mom’s back yard standing on the steps leading down from the house. It was unfamiliar and looked nothing like real time. First, the porch was missing. Second, the back yard was in a subdivision and quite small with a large privacy fence. 

The entire yard was flooded with waist high water (emotion). I walked out in it, looking around and a bit in shock.  I did not get wet. To my right was where the large inground pool should’ve been, but all I saw was pond water. To my left was where I focused. The grass was visible under the water’s surface as were small, fat, bug-eyed, black goldfish (vulnerability, dream fulfillment). As I watched the fish, they took shape and moved about happily. It was strange and I remember talking to my mom who was standing behind me and asking her about the fish and water. 

I said to her, “You have a pond in your yard. It’s only waist high and there are fish in it.” Her response was something about how she knew and was okay with it, even happy to have it the way it was. She explained that her septic wasn’t working properly and her husband was in the process of fixing it.

I remember her asking me, “Didn’t you always want a pond by your house?” I said, “Yeah, but mine was not part of the pool like this. Isn’t it causing problems with the pool system?” My mom said, “No. It’s actually helping the pool.” This didn’t make sense but I accepted her answer. I then described how my pond would look, indicating a small peninsula of land would separate the two bodies of water and that the pond would be right over the septic drainage area. 

As I described this to her, my mom walked out next to me and we were both standing on that peninsula. This is when I noticed my mom’s hair was replaced with very tall, green clover (transition stage of life) with purple flowers (prosperity). I said, “What happened to your hair!?” She looked like a chia pet! I don’t recall what her answer was, just the visual of her having nothing but clover as hair. She was also much younger than she is in real life, approximately mid-forties instead of 70’s (seeing myself in my mom). 

I continued to look at the pond with the black fish. There were some fish in it that had sharp, knife-like nosed. These fish were trying, unsuccessfully, to eat the other ones (worry). I mentioned this to my mom and she said, “Yeah, there’s only two of them and they don’t harm the others, they’re too small.” I remember the fish resembled small ducks at this point but my attention waivered as if I went deep into thought.

The dream shifted and the pond was mostly dried up. I wandered over by the steps of the house. The grass was extremely green and there were items lined up on the sidewalk. A man called to me from the road, surprising me. He said, “Don’t worry. I won’t hurt you. I just need the skimmer.” I didn’t know what he was talking about but then realized he was there to repair the pool pump. I grabbed the skimmer and handed it to him. He was standing behind some tall bushes so I didn’t get a good look at him.

This is when I noticed a limo (power in life, wealth, abundance) parked on the road by the house. The middle section was opened up revealing the inside. I could see a man lounging inside all by himself. He was familiar. I knew him. He stared out of the vehicle at me. 

My mom was suddenly next to me and we were talking about the man. I told her his name and said he was famous. His fame came from writing a book. She didn’t recognize him so I showed her a newspaper or magazine cover with his picture on it. He was a bit younger sporting a mustache. I said, “Here’s a picture. I think he was 53 when it was taken.” For some reason this age felt very young to me. 

There is a gap here in my memory. It is again as if I went into thought. I remember seeing a small, black object vacuuming up the area where the pond had been and walking up to it to inspect it. I also recall a man approaching me. He was bald. He told me the man in the limo was waiting for me. I could see the image of the limo in my mind. The entire side of the limo was open as if the doors were removed. The man sat lounging casually on the bench-like seating staring at me. His gaze spoke volumes. 

I believe I woke briefly here but can’t remember. 

The next thing I recall is meeting with the bald man. We were going to dinner. He was very nice but I was confused and wondering what was going on. I had no memory of this man or how I got to be with him. It was like I had no history. I was completely blank. 

The man told me, “It’s okay. I won’t hurt you”, and escorted me to dinner. We entered into a large stadium and sat down at a large, round, dinner table. It was illuminated while the rest of the stadium was in the shadows. The set-up was very nice as if we were in a high-end restaurant. 

The man seemed very at ease as the food arrived. He began to eat but how he ate was very disturbing. He took entire pieces of food, uncut and some very large, and rather than put them into his mouth, he placed them into his throat. His throat opened up so large that his entire fist could fit inside. I watched him swallow an entire dinner roll this way. 

When he saw my reaction he said, “You’ll get use to it.” Then he ate something else. As I watched, I thought, “He must have a tracheotomy.” But that explanation made no sense.

The man smiled. I studied his features for a bit. He was completely bald with barely any wrinkles. He reminded me of Mr. Clean. I felt very odd sitting across from him – stunned and very confused.

The man said to me, “You’re afraid to eat.” When he said this I saw that a huge plate of food was next to me on a silver platter. 

I woke up. The last thing on my mind was, “Was that a question or….?”

A song was going through my head when I woke: “When you’re ready come and get it….” 

Considerations

When I woke I knew what the dream was about, at least some of it anyway. The symbolism is quite bizarre, though. 

A guide was present and felt to be all around me and very close. My mind went to the man in the dream who was waiting in the limo. I knew the man and knew that he remained close but just out of sight, waiting and observing. Touching on his energy even briefly caused a reaction in me. I wanted to immerse myself completely in it. 

The message about the food was an explanation about the way I felt and reacted to the man in the limo. The man represents the next step on my journey and I am afraid to take it. 

As I was thinking through the dream and messages it contained I heard another message. I don’t recall the exact words but an image remains along with a summary. One word that was very distinct was, “Twin”. The vision was of the word “twin” between two large masses. I think the masses represented the energy of two people. The message was that once one is engaged in the twin energy, the process must be followed through to completion. 

The message brought me fully out of my reverie and I said, “But that can’t be true. What if one person withdraws?” I didn’t receive an answer. 

Mr. Clean

The bald man in my dream was familiar but only when I wrote out my dream did I recognize him: Mr. Clean. He appeared in this dream – a Kundalini dream.

I had to re-read that dream account before I understood why he was appearing in my dreams again. The six month mark is here. It is March. And I’ve been getting 25 days for a while now. When I first got that message I counted 25 days and got the date of March 11. That date is fast approaching but I can’t be certain that it is even significant. All I know is that I’ve been warned of something happening in March for quite a while now.

The entire dream is quite significant I think. It describes the merging of masculine and feminine. It also describes a familiar feeling. The feeling is one of both utter destruction and Divine perfection.

In the Universal dream I saw pillars crashing in one upon other. Total destruction. The image brought about a deep-seated fear intermixed with a longing I cannot describe except to say that it feels to be all-encompassing. A desire beyond desires. Every cell of my Being calls out for it. But my current dream indicates I am afraid of it. This is true for the destruction is terrifying. At my core I know but continue to deny that this destruction is necessary. So I stall. And he waits. And he wants me to know, “I won’t harm you.” He says it twice in this dream.

What can I say? I’m a coward. And it is really starting to piss me off.

I suspect, in the end, I will succumb to the Call despite my fear. I’m getting too annoyed not to.