Living Your Design Class Reflections

I signed up for the Living Your Design (LYD) class through the person who I received my HD Foundation reading from. She is partnered with another Projector and they teach the intro classes together. I finished it quite quickly because it was mostly review for me. This weekend (tomorrow) is the live Zoom to go over the course content, ask questions and review charts. I plan on attending it but don’t need the review. I’m mostly interested in the question and answer section and chart reviews of participants.

So far, the most interesting tidbit of info that I learned is that Manifestors are not non-energy types as I thought but in fact an energy type like Generators. There are four motors (energy) centers – the solar plexus, the sacral, the root and the heart (see image below). What makes a Manifestor is there is a direct line between the throat and a motor but no sacral definition. Additionally, there are Projectors like this – they have a defined motor and so have a source of energy they can pull from. No Projector will have a defined sacral but there will be those who do have one or more of the other motors defined. Honestly, I don’t think Projectors with a motor should be called that but instead put into their own group, kinda like Manifesting Generators are a subgroup of Generators. This isn’t how it is, though, so maybe I will ask why.

The questions this brings up for me are related to how these types feel energetically. How can I tell via their energy what aura type they are? Similarly, how does the energy of Manifestors and Reflectors feel (or as my teachers says “taste”)? And then, how does this affect the dynamics of the relationship? Will I get along better or worse with Manifestors than Generators? Mostly I just want to know their experience with these energy types. How does the energy feel/taste? How have the dynamics differed?

These questions mostly arise from new data I’ve collected on the people around me. I recently mentioned that I discovered my MIL is a Splenic Projector with a 5/1 profile. Honestly, my MIL drives me crazy and I tend to not like her in general. She is very indecisive and manipulative. She guilt trips her sons into giving her money and can be very passive aggressive. I realize this is her not-self but still it is quite aggravating. Knowing she is a Projector has helped me understand her better, but energetically, I had no idea what energy type she was until I did her chart. Her energy feels chaotic to me most of the time. Yet her typical behavior patterns scream that she is a Projector who is struggling to be a Generator.

I am much better at figuring out someone’s profile type than I am their energy type so far. For example, I recently had a discussion with my SIL about HD and mentioned that I suspected her husband was a 2/4 Generator. I based my hypothesis on observed behavior more than how his energy felt. Sure enough, when I did his chart he is a 2/4 Emotional Generator. BINGO!

However, I was shocked to discover that both my SIL and other BIL are Manifestors!! WTF? I had no idea. Their energy felt like Generator energy to me. I don’t have birth time yet for either of them but no matter what time I entered for them both, Manifestor was the result. My SIL is a 6/2 (or 6/3) Splenic Manifestor and my BIL is a 4/6 Emotional Manifestor. To think I’ve been around two Manifestors this whole time and had no idea has me second guessing my ability to read energy. Ha!

When I spoke with my SIL about typical traits of a Manifestor, she identified with them 100%. I haven’t spoken to my BIL about any of it.

My experiences with both of them is consistent with how a Manifestor aura can make someone feel – repelled, cautious, suspicious. I always feel the need to keep my distance from them both and feel especially repelled by my BIL. My SIL is much more approachable. There is a sense of “IDK what to think” when I’m around them. I have to wait for them to be open to me and then I feel better around them. Turns out, Manifestors basically send out an energetic invitation that Projectors can sense that gives them permission to penetrate their energy. Otherwise, Projectors are locked out – and so is everyone else. As a Projector, to not be able to read the energy ends up leaving me feeling effectively and completely “blocked”.

So I am curious as to whether my experiences with Manifestor auras matches the experience of other Projectors. We will see.

The 5/1 Profile Type

As I discover the profile and aura types of the people around me, I am discovering many 5/1 profile types. I already mentioned my MIL, but my boss is also one – 5/1 Emotional Manifesting Generator. Unlike my MIL, I tend to get along pretty well with my boss. She is very knowledgeable about her work/job and so I tend to take on the role of student with her because I’ve found her knowledgeable advice accurate and sensible. She has a very powerful aura, at least to me, that seems to push me into a kind of submission when around her. It’s not that I feel forced or anything, it is just that I sense this is how I need to be around her. I don’t talk as much. I listen. I don’t feel from her any mysteriousness, really, which is what I’ve read of 5th lines. My teacher is a 5/1 Mental Projector and she calls herself a “talking head”, or a “horn”. So, with that in mind, it makes sense that my boss would take on a kind of dominating role over me when sharing her knowledge – that’s what she is here to do! And when I let her do this, I can tell she is in her “zone” and happier for it.

Interestingly, I had a dream not long ago about an ex-boyfriend of mine. I have not dreamed of him in years! Yet I spent an entire night talking to him and when I woke up I recognized him and wondered why he was in my dream. Immediately I thought, “I wonder what his HD profile and energy type is?” Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember his birthdate. I could only remember he was born in September (Virgo) and he was 6 years older than me. Not enough info to do his chart.

Two days later, on a whim and not really even thinking of him beforehand, I did a quick Google search to see if any new info came up. Years ago, after having a dream of him, I couldn’t find anything on him. Nada. It was like he had vanished. This time, however, he came up straight away – a picture, a video, and even his birthdate!

So, knowing enough about his birth data, I created his chart. I don’t have his birth time, but again, it is pretty obvious what his energy and profile type are. He is a 5/1 Emotional Generator. So I have dated a 5/1!!

In comparing my experiences with other 5/1’s, I now know my tendency is to listen attentively and let them talk (and talk they do!). With my ex, I remember just sitting quietly as he spewed nastiness about this person or that thing. It’s not that he was a negative person, really, but he was very frustrated (his not-self) by people and conditions in his life and I instinctively allowed him to talk on and on about it without interjecting or offering advice. I wasn’t necessarily feeling as if I was learning from him, and thinking back on those times, the me now would have called him on it. Yet the me then did no such thing.

I find it interesting that I sit quietly and listen to my boss in the same way. I don’t have any judgements or criticisms, I just listen. If you know me at all, you would know I don’t sit quietly very often. lol Perhaps it is just something about the 5/1 that causes me to step aside and let them be the “talking head” they are here to be? Honestly, it is a very automatic thing for me and I don’t mind at all. The dynamics play out well usually, except that with my ex, he cheated on me. But I know now that it was meant to play out that way. I was not in a position to give him the attention he desired and craved. I don’t think I would have ever satisfied his hunger.

As for the mysteriousness of the 5th line, I am not sure it was there with my ex and I don’t feel it with my boss or MIL. This could be that I am not trying to figure them out, and I’m not really. I’m not trying because I don’t have a reason to. I don’t live with or interact with them daily. When I was in my twenties and dating my ex, I don’t recall caring much about why he was the way he was. I just accepted him, warts and all. He didn’t seem mysterious, he seemed unhappy in general with his life and circumstances, and I didn’t mind that he was this way. In many ways, when I was in my twenties, I just felt to be “along for the ride” in my life and relationships. Now I know this is normal for a 6th line because 6th lines live the first part of their life as 3rd lines. 🙂

Kundalini Dream: Merged

It has been a very long few days (or week now?) and I have been exhausted. Rather than go into details, I will just say that last night I finally got some much needed, solid sleep, and along with it a nice surprise mixed with some curious dreams.

Kundalini Dream: Merged

I was invited to a meeting with other teachers. The feeling was that they were interviewing me but also that they wanted to see my reaction to the work they were doing. I recall seeing a small group of teachers, specifically, a woman and a man but there were others there, also.

In the “interview” I was asked about various work activities. What I recall most vividly is answering a question about PTO meetings. I told them I hated PTO meetings because of the type of people who attended. I don’t remember my specific description of the people but it was not positive and I said that I never truly felt invited to participate. The male teacher was amused by my rejection of PTO groups. The woman just seemed to nod and accept my opinion.

I remember feeling an energy from the man that suggested he was attracted to me. He kept his distance but every time I looked in his direction he was staring at me and I could feel his interest. It is hard to recall his appearance but he was very tall, over 6ft, and had broad shoulders and a square jaw with light brown hair. His eyes were piercing and somewhat squinty. I think they were brown. He had this quality to his energy that oozed masculine confidence.

Then we were outside in a garden-like space. I remember seeing an elevated area. It was a small, perhaps 4’x2′, raised cement planter. In the middle was a stone with an inscription on it that reminded me of a memorial plaque. On either side were stumps where some bushes had been. I knew I was the one who created this memorial and remembered the plants had been very green and healthy. I thought, “The freeze must have killed them”, but then noticed small, green leaves sprouting from the bases of both bushes. I said, “Look! They are still alive! The freeze didn’t kill them.” 

At one point, after some more conversation, the man was standing right in front of me. He was so close that his chest touched mine. This is when his height was most noticeable because my forehead was at his collarbone.  I could feel his interest in me still but it was much stronger. I said something to him like, “Yes?”, as it felt like he wanted to say something to me. But he never spoke a word. Instead, I could feel his energy merge with my own. It was as if both his chest and mine opened up and our energies/bodies blended into one. The main chakras involved were the sacral, solar plexus and heart. Once merged, the energy grew in intensity. 

When this merge happened, there was a yellowish hue to the energy and from within it words and numbers appeared. The only bit of info I recall is the number 46, but there were several other numbers/words, and it felt like this was his response to questions I was asking. I do remember I asked him his name and his age as well as other questions. The way in which he replied was curious to me. I expected to receive a thought reply since my questions were sent as thoughts. 

Our combined energy was so intoxicating and erotic that I couldn’t help but become lucid within the experience. Sadly, it woke me up and I lay there wondering what I’d just experienced. The energy lingered for a while and I could feel energy/pressure and warmth at my third-eye.

I remember the man from my dream being present as I awoke. His energy was right in front of me and so noticeable that it was as if he were physically there with me. He said to me, “There is more where that came from.” His communication was very audible and the quality of his energy the same as it had been in the dream. When I asked who he was, he answered with, “A friend.” I looked at the clock and it was 4:30am. I asked if I could go Home and he replied, “Why would you want to do that? You are here to experience…” and a wave of bliss came over me.

I wondered what had happened in the dream and soon realized me and the man had merged energies. He said, “I looked for an opening and I dove in. You know where it [the opening] is.” With this I saw what resembled a cup within my energy body. The “cup” was located just below my heart and right above my solar plexus. When he said, “You know where it is”, I saw/felt instantly where it was and mentally nodded. I knew that he was able to “enter” (dive into the “cup”) my energy via this opening and that the merge between us commenced from that central location, spreading up and down simultaneously until it became too much and woke me up.

Dream #2

Somehow I managed to return to sleep. The man remained with me and as I fell into dreamtime, he was also there. This time, though, he was taking me on a tour of the facilities where I would be working (remember I had been interviewing for a position). The first thing I saw was a single, white door. The door had a sign on it that said, “3D”. The man seemed to be offering me an option because upon seeing the door it felt like I was being asked to make a decision to open it and walk through it. I don’t know if I did.

Then there was a cylindrical structure in the middle of a room. It was silver and seemed to be made of metal. The structure went from floor to ceiling and had many tall doors located all around it. Surrounding the structure and extending beyond my visual field I could see row upon row of hospital beds with people dressed in white linens laying in them. In front of each of these people stood another person dressed differently – in regular clothing. When approached, the people in white would come out of their bodies and their spirit would be taken into and merge with the person who came to them. I watched several of these people in white, all elderly, rise up out of their bodies and disappear into the body of another.

It felt that I was meant to see this as an explanation of something happening on Earth and that I was here to help with this. My understanding was that these people were dying and I was to assist in their transition somehow. There were thousands of people in beds – more than I could count.

My reaction to seeing all this was calm. It felt like I was being reminded and the specifics are beyond my ability to remember or make sense of as a human. I do think I was being shown this because of my constant requests to return Home. I continue to be told I “have work to do”. It feels like, perhaps, my work is behind the scenes, assisting with whatever it is I was shown.

Dream #3

I shifted away from the scene and was back a school. This time I walked in as a visitor and wore a badge. I ended up in the classroom of the male teacher from my previous dream. I watched him teach a history class. He was very good at his job. I sat in the back and every once in a while he would look in my direction.  

At one point he sent a student in my direction and I counseled her for a bit. She was not participating in class and I remember helping her by just listening and being there for her. She was complaining about history class and I remember saying, “History is nothing more than a story…” I also said something about how all she had to do was follow along and the story would do the rest. The man/teacher looked in my direction and gave me an approving nod. 

As class ended I told him he was a great teacher and then left to explore the school. It was huge with many hallways and students. I remember seeking the bathroom and finding this odd doorway with a conveyor belt that took students one-by-one up to the bathroom. Another student was waiting in line and I asked when they had updated the bathrooms. She said it had not been long. I said, “I’m not going in there”, and left. It was just too weird. 

Then I ran into an ex-student of mine. I only remember her name to be “Brittany”. She was sitting alone and upset about something. She was an overweight African American girl and when I saw her I seemed to know who she was, though I can’t place her from this lifetime. When I sat with her, she spoke to me telepathically about her upset. I only remember seeing pictures now and it seemed like her father had done something to hurt her. I hugged her close and kissed her on the cheek as I comforted her. I could feel waves of emotion come off of her as I did this and I began to cry.  

As I woke, tears still in my eyes, part of a song was on my mind – “Pull me out, pull me out, pull me out….”


For most of the day I’ve been feeling a kind of happy, blissed-out feeling, similar to how I feel when I am falling in love. It is a nice feeling and welcomed. Whatever happened with the merge, it has stayed with me, ignited something within, and it lies simmering under the surface waiting. Waiting for what? I’m not sure but it is a familiar feeling and comes with a sense of anticipation. When I think of the feeling I think, “I’m in love with being in love.” lol So, yeah, it’s nice.

I am intrigued at the information given to me by this man, whoever he is – guide? friend? He showed me how he initiated the merge and it was very simple. He just located an opening and in he went. And the opening was so obvious. I don’t think the opening is a bad thing. It feels like a lock and key location on my energy body – I hold the lock, someone else holds the key. The location of this opening was just above the solar plexus, so not in a place any traditional chakra occupies. However, it coincides with a spot on my spine – mid-back – at which I have felt an energy enter previously many times. What was curious about the merged experience is that it never ventured into the root chakra nor above the third-eye. It was almost like we just simmered there in each other’s energy.

The dreams are curious to me, especially the one with the cylinder. It seems like the 3D door opened up into this room full of beds and I was being shown what is happening on Earth. What specific event(s) it applies to, IDK, and it did not feel ominous like some of my premonitions do. It felt like the people in beds were dying/transitioning. Honestly, I don’t know what to make of it. However, I was reminded of a dream I had a few nights ago where I was shown how each act of compassion/love helped form a grid of protection around planet Earth. I woke up crying from that one because I saw how fragile that grid really is.

The last dream felt like I was being shown my role as counselor and how I can hold space for others, taking on their pain/emotion and allowing them to feel relief, even if only for a moment. But the emotion I felt was still very real and like my own, so not a fun job if that is part of what I’m here to do.

Still feeling a bit in awe of this dream/Kundalini experience. Wow.

Dream Healing Experience

Sleep didn’t come as easily last night. As soon as I got into bed I felt a strong energy from out in front of me and slightly to my left. Initially, when I sensed it, the energy felt urgent and I felt like jumping out of bed and acting on that urgency. This is when I questioned the energy and heard back, “We are here to help you” and sensed a very large group of Beings – the Council of 12 is what I have called them in the past. Though I felt tired and my eyes were heavy, when I attempted sleep I tossed and turned until just before midnight.

Dream Healing Experience

I found myself inside an apartment with a young, blonde man. I was questioning why I was there. He seemed nice enough and resembled someone I met back in 2015. I remember feeling extremely drowsy. 

I sat down on the floor and propped myself up against a sofa. The young man plopped down next to me. As we talked, his energy was very calming and surrounded me in a kind of cocoon of energy. The energy was beautiful and caused my drowsiness to intensify. I discovered that I was this man’s roommate and the attention he paid me caused me to worry he might be interested in a relationship with me. He stayed very close, touching me at all times with some part of himself. His energy said, “It’s okay. You’re safe and loved. Talk to me”. I remember thinking, “He’s like me” and being relieved but my eyes were so heavy and all I wanted to do was rest for a bit. I told him this but he continued to hover. I closed my eyes, enjoying his energy, and he began to shower me with kisses all over my face. I told him I just wanted to lay there with him and asked him if he could hold me. He appeared to do this and for a brief period I surrendered to the amazing comfort and safety of his arms.

Then, suddenly, a strange woman wearing a long dress was standing in the doorway to the apartment. She had long, wavy, dark hair and a serious look on her face. The young man jumped up in a hurry and told me he had to go to work. He was wearing khaki pants and a matching shirt as he left through the front door. The door was odd, though. It was not solid and seemed to be made of a thick mat of beads or a similar material. I stood as he closed the door. It didn’t shut completely and he returned to push it into place. 

Seeing it was morning and I was all alone in a new place, I began to investigate my new home. As I looked around I was thinking of my situation. I knew I had lost my job. In my mind I was mulling over all my previous jobs and remember feeling as if someone suggested a previous employer as an option. There was no concern or worry about my situation. I seemed to just accept it.

I sat down at the kitchen table and was surprised by an young Asian woman. She was drinking a soda (happy, upbeat attitude) and I noticed I had one, too. I asked her name and she gave me a name that didn’t make sense, so I asked her what her family called her. She told me she couldn’t tell me. In talking with her, I soon learned the apartment was much larger than it seemed and at least eight others lived in it. These others began coming into the kitchen at this time but I only recall four or five of them, some male, some female. The Asian woman asked me if I was going to drink my soda. When I said I wasn’t, she asked if she could have it and when I agreed she took it eagerly.

I took a closer look at the kitchen. I had this empty feeling and I felt like I needed to fill it with something, food maybe. There were groceries all over the countertops but it was mostly loaves of bread (basic needs in life). I briefly mentioned they must like bread as I thought that I would certainly have to go shopping for more foods items because bread alone wouldn’t suffice. Then I asked if they had a coffee maker. The Asian woman said they did. I asked if anyone drank coffee (seeking more awareness), she said she would but only with a certain kind of creamer. I took note of this as an item to add to my shopping list. 

Throughout all this I was conversing with them about my situation. I mentioned that I was paid $250/week and this information seemed off. I didn’t become lucid in the dream, though. All at once I realized that I had lost everything – my job, my house, my family, my identity even. My reaction to this was shock and an expansion of the empty feeling I had previously. There was a brief panic at not knowing what to do.

The next thing I know, I am standing outside the door to the apartment. I don’t know how I got there but it felt like I’d been kicked out. Feeling abandoned and alone, I began to wander the streets aimlessly.

I came to a busy area where people were walking about or sitting at tables. I saw some guys attempting to bully a young, nerdy guy into handing over his valuables. I walked up to them and slipped my hand into his pocket and retrieved a wad of money. The bullies had in their hand a folder and were looking through it. One mentioned how good I was as a pickpocket. The other, holding the folder, pulled out some sheet music and then put it back inside. I turned to the nerd who was standing there in shock. I asked his name and he gave me a name that started with a “V”. Somehow I knew he was a musician. I felt bad for him and ashamed at myself for taking his money but I needed the money. I had to eat.

As I walked away, I turned to see the crowded space of people of all ages and races. I noticed something was off and went to investigate. I found a young black mother and her daughter, both dead, sitting at one of the tables. The daughter had her throat cut from her neck all the way down to the middle of her chest. I look around and saw no one there even noticed. They were all too busy. I went up to the dead mother and daughter. I placed their bodies next to one another on the floor, wrapping the daughter in her mother’s arms. Then I pulled a blanket up and around them, covering them completely. 

In this moment I am transported back to the apartment. All of the roommates are there hovering around me as I stand at the entrance. It is similar to another dream I had recently. I feel like a child, very naïve. For some reason I excitedly announced that I learned one could find food by looking for the trucks “with the light”. 

Sudden realization hit me. I thought, “I’m acting like a child.” And as soon as the thought hit me, I burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. 

What I recall of this moment is my thoughts and the feeling from the group that surrounded me. My main thought was the world is a horrible place full of self-serving individuals. I am reminded of the dead mother and daughter and how no one even noticed or tried to help, caught up in their own life dramas. I thought of how those bullies took advantage of the nerd. Again, self-serving behavior. I was both horrified and shocked by what I experienced. The feeing was there was no hope for this planet or the people on it.

I remember pausing for a moment. My tears stopped and I looked at the people standing around me. When I felt their energy and support, I burst into tears again.

The feeling from those who surrounded me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I felt wrapped in a bubble or cocoon of energy. I remember thinking, “They are like me”, and recognizing they were somehow directing or manipulating the energy, my energy. I thought they must be reflecting my own energy back at me or something, but this didn’t seem right. The feeling of being in the cocoon was the most wonderful, safe, feeling I’ve ever had. I could be completely open and vulnerable. I could be myself without worry of judgement or expectation. I realized that being this way is all I’ve ever wanted but because I sense how people truly are, I’ve never met anyone I can be 100% myself with. It was such a relief to finally let go. 

As I began to wake up from the dream, I could hear soft music accompanying my tears.

After Waking

When I woke I was sobbing, the kind of sobbing where I can’t breathe. Even when I stopped, the tears would seep out unexpectedly. I realized how trapped I feel in this world. Abandoned. Alone.

I remember that during the dream someone was talking to me about certain people in my life, people I would rather not be around and so avoid. When asked if I would reconsider, I felt into their energy and could not tolerate it. My reply was, “No”. Then I said, “I’m with the wrong people (in my life)”. The people I should be around should make me feel like the roommates in my dream. 

As I lay in the in-between I remember catching pieces of a conversation. What is funny is that whenever I tried to focus on what was being said, it would instantly be lost to me. I was told it was purposeful, and I understood. The feeling of it was enough. I remember Knowing that difficult times were ahead, similar to the situation I found myself in during the dream. A feeling of all being lost. The dream served as a warning of this but also a message that I would find my people, people who “are like me”. What that means, I don’t know exactly. In the dream I remember thinking they must be Projectors or Reflectors (HD) because of how their energy felt. I didn’t feel like my own energy was being sucked dry; depleted. It was such a relief.

I questioned my guidance regarding the music that was playing. It was was like a scene from a movie and I knew I should find some humor in it, but I didn’t. Soon enough, though, another song came to mind: “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface. Well you talk like yourself but I hear someone else and now you’re making me nervous.” I understood my guidance was letting me know their concern.

This is the whole song:

I wrote the above portion of this post early this morning and came back to it now (mid-day) because the feeling from my dream returned briefly and brought on more tears. It feels like whatever is going on isn’t over. There is a sense of something big, or an “uh-oh” type feeling of anticipation.

Is it Me? Or You?

The weekend before last I came down with a cold. I hadn’t been sick in over a year, so it was bound to happen. It started with a sore throat that lasted two days and then came the congestion, stopped up nose, and fatigue. My daughter was sick alongside me and my husband had had it a week before.

All of this coincided with the full moon and also I read that something was going on with Chiron (can’t remember exactly what). As a result of my cold and the energies I was not my best. I entered into a very negative place and I can get pretty negative, so it wasn’t fun for me or those I am closest to.

My thoughts centered around everything that was “wrong” with my life. I also had tons of self-doubt come to the surface along with memories of the past, specifically my heart connection and the devastation it caused as well as events that took place after. Many mornings I woke up wishing I would die and most nights I struggled to sleep.

Just this morning the energy has noticeably shifted. I feel much clearer and less negative. I also got a good, solid night’s sleep and my cold has finally run its full course.

Questions and Doubts

The main question that was plaguing me was, “Who am I?” I saw a pattern. In the past my guidance often seemed to lead me the “wrong way”. I felt betrayed. But then I also know that my guidance is just me, so anytime I was “mislead” it either was because of Ego interference or because I needed to learn a lesson (or both). So saying I can’t trust my guidance is the same as saying I can’t trust myself.

In attempting to answer the question “Who am I?” I began to look back at my life and those things I liked, preferences and such. I realized that most if not everything was borrowed from someone else. I would “try on” things that people I liked or loved enjoyed. In the end I would keep some but toss most. For example, my best friend in high schooled love acting and persuaded me to try it. I hated it but was good at it. The stage fright was the worst! After we parted ways I dropped acting and never did it again. I added to the list of “don’t likes”. Sadly, my “don’t like” list is much longer than my “like” list. Yet I keep borrowing things, over and over. I temporarily convince myself that I like something only to discover I never did and it was all wrong for me.

After a conversation with my husband about this, he said, “Doesn’t everyone do that?” I said, “No. Some people just know.” But really, do they?

I thought maybe it was related to my almost completely open/undefined HD. My husband is similar, so he probably borrowed lots from others, too. I wonder what it is like for those who are mostly defined? Do they just know? Does that mean they know themselves better than I do? The answer feels like it would be yes.

As a result of all my questioning, I keep being led back to my Human Design: Self-Projected Projector.

April 3rd

Here is what I wrote in my journal on April 3:

Yesterday, I watched an NDE account that really spoke to me. Well, my guidance/Team spoke to me but so did the woman in the video. 

What was so real to me about this account was her specific experiences with her “teacher”. Not only did he appear like I’ve seen my teachers/guides, but her descriptions, reactions, feelings – everything – resonated deeply with me. What was especially noteworthy was her return and integration. Though she didn’t call what she experienced a “walk-in” that is what came to my mind. She was still herself, just an upgraded version, one that was deeply in touch with her HS, spirit, and Home. She retained that connection when she returned to her body and was able to live life in both worlds, shifting from one to the other as needed. It took her 8 years but slowly she rearranged her life so that it matched her truth.

When I was listening my guidance would come through. Sometimes I could hear words, other times I just felt deeply a Knowing that the time was upon me to do what this woman had done. I knew that my integration process was nearly complete. I had reintegrated into the walk-out’s life (former self), learning, observing, being that version despite many things feeling not quite right. I had made some significant changes along the way, but not all of them. Attachment had left one major decision hanging. I have fear of letting the people I love down, of being myself rather than who they wanted me to be. This is the exact message the woman in the video leaves the audience with in the end. She says that people are not really afraid of death, they are afraid of life and of living their truth – living authentically. This is because, in living our truth, we disappoint or let down those we love most. We don’t want to hurt them and so set aside what is best for ourselves to make them happy, to keep those we love comfortable. But in doing so we abandon and even lose ourselves along the way.

What she said deeply resonated with me to the point that I was left somewhat in awe. I Remembered and with that I recognized how this experience I have chosen, this life in this body, is a gift, one that I have been wasting because I don’t want to disappoint or upset those I love most.

Afterward, I went on long walk and had communication come through from my Team. It was subtle at first, like a whisper and feelings that bubbled to the surface of my consciousness. Ultimately, I noticed and some of what I was absorbing translated into words. I remember feeling this amazing feeling of being powerful and supported. It felt like the world is my oyster. I looked around me at the sky and world and thought how beautiful this world is and how many possibilities exist for me in it. I recognized that I feared creating what I wanted in this world because I worried it would be wrong, hurt someone or worse. My past experiences left me feeling I had hurt others and not been my best self. One of the things the woman in the video said is that she no longer judges herself. She becomes the observer (something I have been taught how to do) and so is able to move through life quite smoothly. 

The day continued and most of this realization was put aside as I went through the motions of life. As night approached I could not sleep. 

When I woke the next morning I was thinking of some things I had read in some posts in a FB group about my HD type – self-projected Projector (SPP). Not only did the creator of HD indicate that Projectors were not meant to be parents (but we can) but also that long-term relationships were not necessarily good for a Projector. My type specifically can end up feeling trapped and unable to free themselves from a relationship. Other SPP’s have indicated that they have similar patterns to myself when in a committed relationship. Here is an example:

I’ve realized today that in all my romantic relationships, I always feel the need to focus 100% on the connection. I do really love to guide people, with friendships I can keep a distance, but whenever I have a genuine deep connection that can evolve to a romantic relationship, that becomes my main focus in life. All my other goals go out of the window .I’ve thought for a long time I’m anxiously attached or codependent, but after focusing 100% on myself for more than a year and feeling absolutely blessed and being convinced I only need a relationship with myself, I don’t think that’s it.

Even more so, I get to see the relationship as my life’s work, a project that could bring me life lessons. And I stop directing energy to myself. It a OR me OR them situation. I can’t see it as a part of my life, it’s all or nothing.
Could this be a Projector-thing? Does anyone recognize themselves in this?

When I read this post I was thinking, “That is me!” In both my marriages this has been the case. And the comments in the group indicate that I am not alone! There were some who had navigated successful marriages but most indicated they did better alone or in long-distance relationships where they had separate residences. The married ones said they only did well because their partner actively worked on themselves. Another who was married was contemplating divorce but indicated that love was not the issue. 

So, it feels to me like the only way I am going to get any clarity on my life is to get away from the relationship I am in. I need to be apart from him, to return to living for myself so that I can get back in touch with myself.

Projectors Need Their Space

I have since been focusing on how I can create in my life more space for myself. I need a place apart from my family, one where I can be immersed in nature. A space where I am not overly influenced by my husband or children’s wants/needs all the time. I think if I can create a space like this for myself that I can in turn re-discover myself.

I spoke to my husband about my realization and he is supportive and wants to help me create this space. He would stay in our home with the kids and I would be in my space for as long or as little as I need. It could end up permanent and he accepts this as a possibility.

We are just in the brainstorming stage for the time being. The most obvious place to start is my family’s land in the country, the same land where our old house sits and where other family members, including my mom, now reside. There is a total of 47 acres so there is plenty of room! My mom is in the process of creating a spiritual retreat on this land. I have an idea of maybe building a cabin on this retreat land as a contribution to her vision. It would be like a donation to the space, so my husband and I would own “stock” in it. Though I haven’t presented the idea to her just yet, I think she will be open to it. Why wouldn’t she? A free cabin. They (my mom and step-dad) want to build cabins on it anyway. I could live there when I want, get my space and be in nature.

This may or may not pan out and that is okay.

To make it clear, my idea is not to shrug off all my responsibilities. The idea is to get enough space and time alone to get to a place where I can feel into myself and what I want without interference from others. With my tendency to take on others’ wants/desires/goals and put aside my own wants/desires/goals, I feel I need to do this. I don’t know how long it will take.

Is It Me? Or is it You?

The last main consideration I’ve had is in regards to my telepathic ability. In HD, those with a completely open head center, like I have, are capable of telepathy and this is true for me. I’ve experienced it all my life but only recently did I experience true telepathy. True telepathy goes beyond just knowing what another is thinking, it is the ability to communicate in real time with another via thought and emotion. It also includes the ability to share experiences, not just in present time but past and future.

Not long ago I met someone online who I discovered I could telepathically communicate with. It was amazing and I honestly have never met anyone like him. The connection remains and we seem to be able to turn it on or off at will.

The issue I’ve been running into lately is that I have cut ties with this person, yet I still feel the connection. I don’t know if I can dissolve it as it feels to exist beyond just this plane of existence. This person is able to purposefully communicate with me and I receive it. The most recent time (prior to my cutting ties) I didn’t know he was doing this and I thought I was losing my mind until he confessed that he had been purposefully sending communications. Yikes!

Considering my thoughts and feelings lately, I suspect more of this kind of communicating is going on. At first it created all kinds of self-doubt. Maybe I was wrong to cut ties? Maybe I should reconnect? There were feelings coming up, memories, ideas. This would happen out of the blue and then all would go quiet.

This morning I feel more clarity and am convinced that most if not all of my self-doubt stems from this communication, communication that is most definitely deliberate. I have decided to pay more attention to where the thoughts/feelings originate.

I am still in a bit of shock to think that such types of communication are a reality for me. It is easy to forget or assume it is not real. But it is real. Considering I am working on finding myself, getting my own space in order to re-discover myself, the last thing I need is someone trying to influence me from afar! How do you get space from that!?

Kundalini, The Shadow Self and Almandine

Happy Spring Equinox! It has been one hell of a week! The energy put me into a pretty sour mood, especially in the mornings. My sleep was awful and I had a tendency to focus on the negatives, especially relating to planet Earth. I am thankful for the energies that came in with the Equinox.

After about a week of sleep issues, I finally slept well last night. Turns out there was a solar flare most of yesterday and through the night. Along with good sleep I had Kundalini dreams all night long. Where one left off, another began. All the dreams involved a man I am familiar with as well as a guide.

Dream: Profess[or] Love[r]

The start of this dream is hazy but as lucidity increased, so does my memory.

What I recall most is that I was in correspondence with a man I recognized and know from this lifetime. Some time had passed between our last email/letter and this was my main concern as I had not intended it. I remember feeling as if I was on a college campus and knowing this man was a professor. I don’t know if he was my teacher or if it was just his job, or both. 

We talked a bit but there was distance between us that was too far to actually have a conversation. My feeling of this communication was that it was meant to represent communication over time and space – communication between our higher aspects. 

Then we were together in a room that felt, again, like it was located at a college or university. The space was dimly lit and colored with various brown tones. It felt like a study or an office but also similar to a small dorm room.

When we finally met up the feeling I had was of relief and reunion. I don’t remember if he spoke to me. I do recall that I had apologized for letting so much time pass and the delay it caused. When we got close our combined energy was intoxicating, rising and falling in waves of ecstasy, climbing higher and higher. The closer we got, the more intense our combined energy. My immediate reaction was to surrender completely to it.

Eventually my friend disengaged saying he had to be somewhere. We went our separate ways. He went one way and I went in the opposite direction. Eventually, though, we ended up back together, both of us unable to find our rooms. We stood in front of a room. The number near the entrance was #3 but the room was not the right room. As the dream began to fade out the last thing I remember was that he said to me that we must be in a different time (I think I remember the term “time warp”) so the room was not the one we remembered. 

As I woke the Kundalini energy was very strong. I am not sure how the intensity of it didn’t wake me during the dream! I lay in bed relishing it. It was intensely strong in my root and heart chakras but prior to it settling there it had circulated completely from root to crown. Sadly, I only barely recall the full cycling of the energy. I believe it was purposefully muted and for that I am grateful because when I have been fully conscious of it in the past the intensity of it has been scary.

A guide was close by. He asked me, “How do you feel?” I said, “I want to go back.” There was some discussion here. He reminded me to take it slowly and said, “We are helping you.” 

Dream: Little Fires Everywhere

Somehow I returned to sleep and entered into another dream. I was sitting on a sofa in my grandparent’s underground home. The TV was in front of me but I was not watching it because the man from my previous dream was sitting on my left about four feet away from me on the opposite end of the sofa. It felt like we just hanging out and watching TV. I was almost fully lucid but not enough to take control of the dream. I don’t think I would have taken control if I could have, though. 

I could see him quite clearly and knew who he was. We were talking, but sadly I have no clue about what. All I remember was that his energy was very difficult to resist. It was calling to me in a very seductive way. My guide was close by and I was talking to him in my mind about the energy and how difficult it was for me to endure as I sat there. 

What I recall here is the Kundalini rushing through me. It erupted violently from my root and shot all the way up to my crown. Then it would settled some only to repeat with even more intensity. With each wave I gripped the sofa so hard that had it been a real sofa I surely would have destroyed the arm rest. Interestingly, I never felt like I was going to die from the energy. I surrendered completely to it. I couldn’t help but surrender. It was compulsory and there was nothing – nothing at all – I could do but allow it. 

While the energy was taking me over I could hear and communicate with my friend telepathically. All I remember saying to him was, “I love you.” But something about this profession of love felt as compulsory as the energy itself. So, I questioned it. Do I love him? Is it my love I am feeling? Or is it memory of some other time and love? 

My friend just sat next to me seemingly completely at ease with our combined energy. I tried to stay there with him. I wanted to stay there, but I couldn’t, not without embracing him fully. For some reason I resisted the urge to go to him, though. My resistance resulted in much discomfort. 

Eventually I told him, “I can’t take it anymore. It’s just too much.” Not long after I said this my friend disappeared completely. 

I decided I would walk to my mom’s house. I went outside and walked up the road. I noticed there were small piles of burning brush dotting the land. I concluded that someone must be clearing the land, something we often have to do in the country. Part way up the road I encountered a mulching machine that was turned on. A large branch was stuck in it and the mulcher was making a horrid noise. Worried it would explode, I turned the machine off. The “off” switch was very vivid in my mind.

As I continued to walk up the road I was suddenly not alone. A man was walking with me on my right. I knew he was my guide. He was tall and had blonde hair. His energy was familiar. I remember we were discussing what was happening to me – the Kundalini, the man, the process. He was asking me what I thought of the man, of our energy and our path. I only remember saying that I wanted to experience more of the energy. It was all I wanted, actually. The internal Call I felt was strong. There was/is no doubt in my mind I am suppose to follow it.

The last thing I remember saying to my guide is, “There are little fires everywhere.” It was just an observation and had no emotion attached to it. My guide acknowledged my statement as if to say, “Yes, there are.”

The Shadow Self

I came out of the dream and entered the in-between where I could still feel the residual energy. My guide was close and I remember him reminding me that the process cannot be rushed. Through our conversation I was asked to inspect my fear response to the intense energy I experienced in the dream and also at other times. The resulting understanding was that it represented my Shadow, or a hidden aspect often associated with something not very good, or “bad”. When my energy combines with my friend’s it brings attention to the Shadow somehow and so my response is fear and I withdraw. More than likely the reality is that this Shadow aspect is not as imposing as it seems. It is just deeply hidden.

Then, very distinctly, I heard the word, “Almandine”. 

Then I was reminded that destruction was coming. Destruction of what? I am not sure but I have been warned of this before, last October. 

I woke repeating the word “Almandine” and not knowing what it meant. I thought at first it was a sauce for cooking but soon learned it is a crystal. Usually when I am given the name of a crystal it is a way to suggest I add it to my collection.


My fear reaction to the intense energy of the Kundalini is familiar to me. Early on in my experiences with the Kundalini I responded with great fear. It presented itself slowly during dreamtime, always pursuing me, and each time I completely freaked out. When it would present itself I felt a compulsion to go to it, to surrender to it. I felt completely unable to control myself. This feeling of lack of control and the unknown it represented was what sent me running the other way. It felt horribly “evil” while at the same time the energy was intoxicatingly beautiful and pure. The contradiction was confusing. How can something be so beautiful yet so ugly at the same time? It was a paradox. 

Eventually, I surrendered in dreamtime. I gave up after being pursued for what seemed like forever. I realized I could not outrun the Kundalini and so let it devour me. It was magnificent in the end. The most amazing experience I have ever had in this body. 

Now, when I feel the Kundalini, my response is the same. After years of surrender it makes no sense. Why, after all this time, am I again afraid of the Kundalini? And why is this particular person the instigator? Is it karmic? Or is it something else? I feel fear, but it is irrational. It is the fear of death, of becoming nothing. Ah, yes, “destruction”, now that word makes sense. To be born anew, the old must die. 

Yet, didn’t I already experienced death from this process? How many times does one have to “die”, I wonder? lol

Dream Symbolism

In the first dream I am at a college/university which represents a life lesson or lessons. My friend is seen as a teacher or guide, so it could be that I see him this way or it could be that he is merely helping me with this life lesson. The search for the room is interesting and I am not sure what the “time warp” part means. Whatever the meaning, we end up parting ways only to come full circle to the same place. The feeling in the dream is that no matter what our individual paths, the destination is the same for us both.

The symbolism of the last dream is fitting. The underground house represents the subconscious or what is hidden. My grandparents actually do have a house that is under the ground and I spent much of you youth visiting there. It is also attached to my family’s land and my mother’s home. So, for me, being in the space indicates a sense of home, so also Home. It is comfortable and safe. Watching the TV is likely an indicator of becoming the observer.

The clearing of the land is the work of the Kundalini. It clears blockages; a cleansing fire. The little fires everywhere are areas that are being cleansed or have already been cleansed. They are contained and small, but they are burning. Fire = the Kundalini. 

The mulch machine is an interesting symbol. My best guess is that it is my attempt to turn off the process out of fear that I will explode or be destroyed. Still, though, the fires burn. 

Note: Prior to bed I had two syncs that forewarned me of what was to come during the night. First, I had done a voice search of a certain item for my food journal. I had said “Burger” but the word that appeared was nothing at all close to it. It was, instead, my dream friend’s name, clear as day. I paused, took a screen shot in case I was seeing things, and then edited my search to the correct word.

About an hour later I was watching a video and there was the name again. So clear. And next to it another name that was related. WTF? I took another screen shot, told my guides to knock it off and went to bed. LOL

6 of Cups…6 of Hearts?

Today it is beautiful in Texas. Sunny, 65 degrees, with a light breeze. The energy was expansive. Yes. Expansive. That’s how it feels to me, anyway.

Some pictures of my walk to give you an idea of what “expansive” feels like. 🙂

I wish I had taken more pics today but I was too busy feeling it all. I sat by the creek for a bit, listening, breathing and feeling. It was nice and there weren’t very many people out, not that it would’ve mattered.

I ended up walking for over an hour. 4 miles in all! Ha!


Okay, so now for the interesting part of my walk. I wrote a while back about finding items on my walks, items I seemed to actually manifest with my thoughts. I found a tube of unopened Chapstick first, then some Apple earbuds (also new) and finally two, twenty dollar bills (yep!). Eventually, I couldn’t think of anything physical I wanted to manifest so I asked the Universe to show me what I needed to know. One of the first things I came across was a playing card in the grass. 6 of Hearts.

On December 18th I wrote this on Facebook (not sure why I didn’t post it here)”:

Remember when I kept finding things on my walks? I didn’t stop attempting to manifest stuff, I just lost interest in material things. I actually asked to be given or shown what was needed. Usually I don’t find any items but that very day I saw a playing card on the side of the road – the 6 of Hearts. I have walked past it every day, taking note of it, but never really looking any deeper into the meaning. Today I saw it again, didn’t pick it up and forgot about it until just now.

Here is the meaning:

It represents the masculine.
It can be an unmarried male romantic partner, family member or friend, always loved by the sitter.
It is often considered the Soulmate card – past lives/karmic.
It can represent communion, knowledge, study and learning.

That was over a month ago and nearly forgotten, until today.

Within the first half-mile of my walk, I saw another card, this time face down, laying in a pile of leaves and rubble that had built up on the bridge I was walking over. At first I walked past it. I was singing along to a song and just feeling really joyful, playful and happy. I was contemplating dancing as I walked, but didn’t because it was a busy road. But despite continuing on I felt an urge to turn back and pick it up. I had to.

Never would I have believed it to be what it was.

That ain’t no playing card!! That’s a tarot card! WTF!?

I can’t remember now if it was right side up or not. I don’t think it even matters. When I saw it I thought, “6 of…..cups?” I mean, those are odd looking cups but then what else could they be?

I tucked the card in my pocket and went on my merry way.

When I got a bit further on my walk I encountered a single, black crow on the path in front of me. I stopped. It stopped. We stared at each other for a bit. I grabbed my phone, fumbled around trying to get it into camera mode, and as I began to aim to take a pic it flew up in the air, cawing at me and joined another crow off to my left.

I continued to my walk, taking note of the crow but not really knowing what to think.

When I got home I pulled the card out of my pocket and examined it. Yep. A tarot card. Definitely NOT a coincidence that I found it.

6 of Cups Message

First off, the 6 of Cups has the same meaning as the 6 of Hearts. I only discovered this after a Google search. I don’t know much about traditional tarot decks (i.e. Rider-Waite) so bear with me. I read tarot using my intuition and rarely read the book descriptions. Unfortunately, looking at the image on the card I found does nothing for my intuition. I thought the cups were crowns, though, so maybe a good sign? lol

Since I wasn’t asking a question and just randomly found the card on my walk, many explanations for the card meaning don’t apply. So, the standard, one card meaning would be something like this:

The Six of Cups in the upright position is a card of pleasures. This card tells about good times and generally remind us of good times, but it could tell about happy times that are just around the corner, those that will turn into amazing new memories.

It is the card of indulgence, periods without any serious problems and reasons to worry.

As this is the card related to ancestry, it could be a sign of a great family gathering, about getting in touch with relatives you haven’t heard from for ages or, even, meeting distant relatives you did not know you have.

For those more inclined towards the psychic, this card could be a sign from the ancestors or make one pay attention to the signs along the road, for those might be messages from ancestors.


What I found is that everyone has a slightly different explanation of the card. Some call it the “soulmate” card. Others the “pleasures” card.

What I am wondering is, why am I seeing this card again? If it is indeed the same as the 6 of Hearts, that is, and that is what I am finding.

Alternative Names:  Six of Cups, Six of Hearts     

All Tarot decks call this suit “Cups.”

The Thoth Tarot titles the Six of Cups as “Pleasure.” 

The Voyager Tarot titles the Six of Cups as “Sorrow.”      

In a deck of regular playing cards this suit is called “Hearts”


Then there is the crow. They are not very common around here and mostly they are in the trees making lots of noise, not sitting alone on the path I am walking. Most definitely not something to disregard.

The Crow (no, not the movie! lol)

It is not a bad omen like most might assume. It can be considered the “trickster” though, meaning it can shape shift and take on any form it chooses in order to pass on its message. And messages are its specialty. When a crow crosses your path it is there to pass on a message. Most of the time that message is something previously known or received by the recipient. It is a sign to the recipient saying, “You know what to do.” Of course, part of the mystery of the crow is in the message because in order to understand it, you must first Know yourself!

Key words:

Creative Force







Overcoming Fear

Ancestral Magic


Working with the “Shadow Self”


So, if I am understanding Crow’s message right, it is to remind me of the tarot card message. AND being I am seeing this card for the second time now, I must not be truly grokking its meaning! Ugh!

What did I miss? Or… is something still in process where I thought conclusion had occurred?

Happy Rave New Year!

SOLAR TRANSIT Gate 41 – Gate of Contraction, Decrease Jan 21 thru 26


The cosmic energy now brings us to the beginning of the Human Experiential way with fuel and a pressure to satisfy your desires and fulfill your destiny.

Imagine if your wildest fantasies and daydreams were running through your mind at the same time. It would be difficult to focus and take them all on. However, if you focus your energy on just one … the possibility of initiating that experience becomes viable. Contraction holds the potential for all human experiences, but releases or initiates only one at a time.

So, consider taking one step and then the next.

In your DNA this gate represents the genetic initiating codon, the capital letter at the beginning of any genetic sentence … the start of a new cycle of human experience.

This frequency could be compared to how life looks as it disappears in the observable world during winter and yet new life is gestating in the unseen world below.

If you’re feeling restless, you may find balance by writing or daydreaming about what it might be like to fulfill your wildest desires, or by vicariously experiencing them through literature and movies. Could it be a time to let go of something to discover what is truly yours? When you understand cycles, you know that Increase automatically follows Decrease. So, while this energy is prominent you can fortify your foundation or examine what’s working for you and what is not. Whatever you release during this period of Decrease will pave the way for something else. Nature shows us that Decrease isn’t a negative event. It’s simply how life continues its forward movement even while appearing to move backward.

The Earth’s grounding force is the voice of influence – for good or for bad. Benevolence may allow you to let go and discover what is rightfully yours. You may need to give up something you feel is important as a commitment to conscientious growth with another. Is it time to remove the superfluous to make room for something new?

Happy Rave New Year!

Love Yourself,

Ruth Brennan

I’m beginning this post with a quote because it contains within it so much of what I’ve been experiencing.

The Rave New Year (Human Design) started on January 20th. I began to feel something….new….a few days before. It started as a feeling I can’t quite describe. Like an energy hovering around me, putting pressure on me from without but also…within? Then, on the 20th, I awoke with such certainty and what is even more surprising, motivation! OMG I haven’t felt motivated in so long.

Oh, and no, it is in no way connected to the inauguration. Which, BTW, I didn’t watch. But now, days later, I wish I had, if only to see Bernie wearing that coat and mittens. LOL

Ever since the 20th I’ve continued to feel motivated. It is such a welcomed feeling, too! So refreshing after so long – a year? more? Suddenly, I have so much opportunity, so much I can do and seemingly little time.

It is also not lost on me that we are entering (in?) the sign of Aquarius. My rising sign and a time when I typically have some significant spiritual experiences, though not always. I never know what will happen but I have been forewarned. My guides have given me the month of March several times now as an end-period, a time of conclusions and so also beginnings. February on into March is to be looked forward to, if only to release me from the nasty grip of my Uranus Opposition (or as they call it, mid-life crisis).

Some things that hit me with the energy shift on the 20th (ideas, thoughts, excitements):

Quit my job. Ha! I know, crazy! Why? Because….IDK really, but mainly I don’t need it anymore and want to put my attention on something else. Free up time to do things just for me. My job is boring. Easy, yes. Boring and monotonous mostly. I have saved half my earnings from last year and if I stay I will save all of them.

For most of my life, when people asked me what I wanted to do in life (career, goals), I responded with: “I don’t want to have to work”. Spoken like a true Projector! lol And here I am. I don’t have to work. Success! But….the extra money is nice to have, the work-from-home is nice, the working for my husband is nice, the simplicity of it is nice… and so and so forth. So, I have not resigned yet. I am mulling over my options.

I really think I want to focus on bodybuilding full-time for a while. I know, weird, but if you know me, it really isn’t. I have made huge strides in the last 14 weeks and finally have my metabolism back where it was in 2014 when I stopped lifting because I had a newborn. I am really proud of myself – Inches lost, energy levels up, generally feeling healthier and happier. So, I am thinking I may compete, do a show, just to say I did.

Another idea – Go on a Walkabout. Yep. This is one of those things I want to do just for me. It came to me after asking the Universe to help me figure out what I needed to do. I knew I needed to do something for me, but what? Costa Rica still feels wrong. So what? Then I saw it and had one of those “time stands still” moments as I was watching my TV show. The main character was urged to go on a Walkabout because he was confused and uncertain about things. That was it.

At first I thought, “Six months!” lol Now I am thinking, “however long it takes” and am letting the Universe show me the route. Thus far, I have felt pulled West. I have a friend who lives in Sedona and a brother in Tucson. So, my final destination will be Arizona but I want to see as many ancient sites along the way as I can. Choco Canyon has always been one of those places, but there are plenty of others. The cave dwellings and White Sands are two others. When I will go is yet unknown but I’m sure it will come to me soon enough. Oh, and I don’t have to quit my job to do it. I can take a leave of absence if I want. Another employee goes on a yearly “walkabout” for several months, so why can’t I?

Smaller things are coming to me all the time, so much that I keep losing track and when I finally sit down to write about them I go completely blank. I recognize that this is because I am not necessarily meant to take action now but when I get the go-ahead from the Universe. I will be shown the way. Most likely, I will be invited to take certain paths.

With all the energy and increase in motivation, my sleep has been suffering. I’m just not tired and when I do fall asleep I wake up about an hour or two later wide awake again. This goes on all night. Oh well, sleep was nice when I had it but at least now I have motivation. Did I say how wonderful it is to feel motivated again? 😉

Ladybug and Hawk Magic

Twice this week I’ve had encounters with a ladybug. It seems to be inhabiting our bathroom. The first time I saw it, I thought it was dying and worried about it. Three days later I found it again but this time it was quite lively. I think it is living off my little, potted bamboo plant, hiding out in our house to avoid the winter chill. I took several videos and close-up shots of him/her. So beautiful!

“Ladybugs appearing in your life precede a time when your goals begin manifesting in remarkable ways. Bits of good fortune trickle around like petals on warm winds. Stop and enjoy this moment. Don’t rush too quickly into anything, but instead let nature unfold like Ladybugs wings.

There is no need to worry or fret – live and honor your sacred truths.

A Ladybug Spirit animal may also arrive at the advent of a new relationship, or the renewal of one that had grown a tad stale. Ladybug whispers words of love in your partner’s ears. Remember that sweet voice and translate it into pillow talk as the relationship sparks.

Alternatively, Ladybug may be telling you that love is just around the corner. If you see Her, count her spots to know the days, weeks or months before it arrives. Keep an open mind!” Source

On the 20th I saw a hawk flying with a branch in its mouth. It landed on top of a nearby tree where a large nest was taking form. I watched from below the tree as the hawk flew away and its mate landed on the nest and placed another twig.

I have never seen a pair of hawks like this. What a wonder! I tried to get a photo but it seemed like they were both a bit shy.

Hawks are about possibilities and seeing things from a new perspective. They remind us to be aware of the “bigger picture”. They are messengers to trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should be. A pair of them could indicate that this message is about two people, likely partners. Or it could just be a double reminder. Whatever the message, it added a sense of wonder to my day.

One More Quote

This one is about Self-Projected Projectors (me!). I am especially proud of my Self-Projectedness:

At the very Top of Hierarchy sits the Self-Projected Projector. Pulling Others up, the Hummingbird catches the Fractal and holds Everything together. Just like a Black Hole in the Center of a Galaxy, that intense Pull towards the Middle is what makes the Self-Projected Projector so strong. The strongest Magnet lies within the Self Projected Projector Who operates from the Chest, the Magnetic Monopole, the Place of Self. “The Future is about Self-Projectedness”.

The Future is not about the Tribe. SPP’s don’t have Tribal Definition.

The most conditioned and compromised by the Environment, the Self-Projected Projectors when operating correctly have the most luminous Power of All. This means Aloneness First. Middle.

The Amplification of the SPP’s Aura in the Right Environment, this is what brings great Influence to the Entire Fractal Included. It is able to unlock many places at the same time, have impact that does not require Repetition. It Triggers deep. Imagine the Quasar with the Black Hole in the Middle. This is how it can be visualized. The Aura of a Self Projected Projector differs when making the Amplification of Energies. Yet it stabs directly in the G of the Other when invited, just as by any Other Projector.

The One that comes the Last, the Alpha of the Fractal, most likely will be a SPP.

“At the Beginning there was a Word. The Word was of God. The Word was God”. Self Projected Projectors Create incredible things from the Place of Self-Expression, the Voice and Self-Love. This Kind of Leader magnetizes everything towards the Self, insisting on the Karmic Entanglement and Resolution of all that stands in the way of it. ~ Theos Doros

Happy Rave New Year!

HD: More on the Centers

Woke up this morning thinking about all my undefined and completely open centers. Honestly, it is very disheartening and making me a little depressed. lol I understand there is a reason for this and so I just suck it up and try not to think about it too much, but life has a way of pointing me back to this situation I have put myself in this lifetime. WTF Higher Self? It’s hard enough to live on this dang messed up Earth as a human but then to put me in a position where my aura is open to pretty much every kind of conditioning from other messed up humans, well it just isn’t fair!

Let’s look at my BodyGraph again and then I’ll go through each center – defined, undefined and open – so you can see what I mean.

Starting from the top:

Head Center – Mental pressure and inspiration; questions, doubts and confusion.

Defined – consistent mental pressure to ask and answer questions, grasp and understand things to include consciousness, fixed way of thinking, easy to inspire others and be inspired but not always able to act on it.
Undefined – inconsistent patterns of thinking, thinks of things that don’t matter, gets lost in self-talk/negative self-talk of the Not-Self.
Open – same as undefined plus unable to recognize when something is inspiring or interesting, they don’t know what to think about or what matters and doesn’t or why.

My Head Center is completely OPEN. I have never been truly inspired and never will be. Everything and everyone feels the same to me. I might find interest temporarily in something but it is usually borrowed from someone near me. I am a jack of all trades type person. All subjects in school were equal to me. I had no real favorite. If someone asked me, “What is your favorite subject?” I wouldn’t know how to answer. I have always been aware of my inability to find things interesting or inspiring and saw/see it as a defect. Why can’t I find inspiration in something? I am easily bored as a result. I don’t consistently stay with hobbies or interests. If I do, it is because the hobby or interest is agreed upon or needed by another; meaning it HELPS others. Or I do things to stay busy and keep my mind quiet. Exercise does this very well.

So sad and depressing to be the person who is boring and bored. Sigh. Yet I can pretend to have interest very well. I have learned over time how to do this. If I say I am inspired/interested it is actually because you are.

Anja Center – Mental consciousness; conceptualizing, interpreting answers or opinions, concepts and theories.

Defined – consistent conceptualization; they can conceptualize, inspire and pressure others to think; they are not easily influenced by others; they condition the mental field and the people in their aura; their minds are always ‘on’ and they find meditation difficult because they can’t stop or control their mental activity but at the same time they enjoy it.
Undefined – have an open and flexible mind, can deeply contemplate and discover the world through their intellectual gifts, ideas seem to come from “nowhere”; they pretend to be certain when they are not; they tend to pick up thoughts of others; their mind is a playground.
Open – don’t know what to think or how to interpret things; tend to feel hopeless and anxious; can find pleasure in contemplation without becoming attached to anything.

My Anja center is undefined. When the Anja is undefined so will the Head be undefined. My experiences are consistent with the description above. I can get lost in my contemplation of things. This is my never-ending thought-stream experience. I am great at being certain even though I am not. lol I get lost in my mind, my imagination and dreams. “Playground” is a great description of my mind. So far, my open Anja is a blessing.

Throat Center – Communication and manifestation; metamorphosis and transformation through interaction with the world.

Defined – if this center is connected to a motor then one can always manifest and tend to be impulsive or talk too much/not enough; if not connected to a motor then the throat speaks from the center it is connected to; overall it transmutes and directs information based upon the centers it is connected to.
Undefined – tries to attract attention; afraid of not being noticed; can become fearful of opening their mouths from years of saying the wrong things; spend lots of energy trying to figure out what to say but they cannot plan what they say with any consistency.
Open – this is rare but when it happens the person has no idea what to say or when to say it/act; tends to have delayed speech as a child, interrupts others and is easily ignored.

My Throat is defined and connected to my G-center. For me, this means I tend to speak my truth and the truth of others. I am naturally a channel. Speaking truth comes naturally and I really shine when invited by others to share my truth. I experience fulfillment through my voice but only when the other is open to receiving.

G Center – Love, identity and direction; seat of the Magnetic Monopole or Higher Self.

Defined – have a fixed and reliable self-identity, sense of being loved and loveable; they can love without becoming dependent; sense of direction and mission.
Undefined – they don’t know who they are; can fit in anywhere and be anyone; adaptable; need stable relationships to form concept of Self; tends to attract others who are complete opposite to them; they sample life paths, taking on the path of others until they find the right one.
Open – no clear personality parameters; uncertain and need others to affirm they are loveable; tend to run to others for direction.

My G-Center is defined. The most true part of the description above for me is that I do not become dependent in relationships. SO true! I can take them or leave them. I am fine to stand on my own two feet while it is often those I am in relationships with become dependent upon me. I have not always felt loveable but the key word is “consistent” here, so yes, I have always had a consistent sense of what love is and what it is to be loved.

Sacral Center – Power of fertility; vital energy, responsibility, availability, sexuality.

Defined – an enormous source of power; of most importance is finding their personal expression and satisfaction through work; the source of a Generator’s power; need to learn to trust the response of the Sacral, when it says “yes”, do it, when it says “no”, don’t do it.
Undefined – subject to elevated energy levels but are not equipped to handle it; tend to feel like slaves to others; need to rest when they feel tired but often do not; no consistent boundaries; can become obsessed with sex or just mildly curious.
Open – energy feels scattered; drawn to one thing then another and another; waits for exhaustion to overwhelm them before they rest.

As a Projector, I have an undefined Sacral. I have not had too much issue with taking in more energy than I can handle, at least not until I had 3 children. When I had child #3 I started to have to drop things from my life one-by-one in order to “free” myself (full-time work was first to go!). What I later learned is that I was not allowing myself to rest enough and so holding onto all the excess energy became too much. I got irritable mostly. I laugh about the “slave” part of the description. I haven’t used that word but I do still often say to my husband and family, “I am NOT your maid!” lol I often feel like everyone wants something from me. I give, give, give but eventually have nothing left to give. Yet my family still wants more! So I have learned to stop when I have nothing left, retreat and rest, communicate my needs and set boundaries.

Root Center – Physical adrenalized pressure; to sustain momentum for living, stress.

Defined – has a fixed and reliable method of dealing with stress; the root is defined to three centers – Sacral, Spleen and Solar Plexus – and the energy if formatted via one of these centers.
Undefined – absorbs stress from the environment; always trying to rid themselves of the pressure but more pressure come in to take its place; always in a hurry to get things done; can become hyper or restless from taking on pressure from those around them with defined Roots.
Open – operate unconsciously and hurriedly through life; are on auto-pilot; tend to get into accidents or have panic attacks. At the worse they lose their joy of being alive.

My Root is undefined. I am very familiar with the “pressure” feeling. It is hard to describe but it is like a “push” from within that says, “You need to do this now.” If I follow it I do end up very busy all day because once one thing is done, another needs to be done. Now I just tell myself, “There is no rush” and the pressure abates. I have learned to “leave it alone”. I let the house stay dirty. I ignore the dishes in the sink. I do things when I feel like doing them; when I am rested and able. Pro – I am rarely late and don’t procrastinate. 😉

The theme song for the undefined Root Center LOL:

Splenic Center – Body consciousness; full existential living, spontaneity, heath and well-being, value, immune system.

Defined – follow their instinct/intuition; alert and protected with a strong immune system; can project a sense of well-being to others; have a strong sense of existential awareness (listen to their body).
Undefined – fears are easily magnified; feel ill-equipped to survive in this world; need defined Spleenics around them to feel safe and secure; they hold onto or stay in relationships far too long, even when no longer good for them; they often feel rejected or struggle with abandonment issues; can become dependent in unhealthy ways; need to not be spontaneous but they are attracted to spontaneity.
Open – they do not know what to be afraid of and become insecure and fearful of everything; can become fearless to the point of doing risky things.

My Spleen is undefined. I do struggle with feeling safe. I think the “big, bad world” will get me all the time. lol I have had anxiety attacks because of feeling this way. I tend to stay in relationships and jobs even when they are detrimental to me. I do this out of fear of losing the security these things give me. I do often want to be spontaneous and am attracted to others who are this way but have learned to wait when it comes to the bigger spontaneous choices I may want to make. No more last-minute road trips or leaving a job before thinking it through!

Solar Plexus Center – Spirit consciousness; emotional and social awareness, passion and desire, abundance of spirit, feelings, moods, sensitivity.

Defined – know to wait through the ups and downs before making decisions but it is not easy to be patient; feelings are indicators of what to do and they are aware of the emotional cycles they go through; depth of emotion can be cultivated on any topic.
Undefined – absorbs and amplifies the emotion present in their environment (empath); can easily end up identifying with emotions that are not their own; feel emotionally out of control; tend to tip-toe around others so as to not upset them.
Open – cannot filter or connect to incoming emotional energy; tend to be confused by what they feel and don’t know how to interpret it; they don’t know what to desire, when to be sensitive or passionate or how to deal with the moods of others; often feel something is wrong with them emotionally.

I have a completely OPEN Solar Plexus. When I was young I thought something was emotionally “off” with me. I didn’t know how to process all the emotion I was feeling. I struggled to define the emotions or cope. I often felt and still feel very emotionally flat, disconnected and unsympathetic to others’ needs. In the past I have thought this meant I was a sociopath or maybe a narcissist. I know now this is not true. The emotion was just overwhelming and I shut down and compartmentalized it all to protect myself. I do not typically tip-toe around others, though, especially if I know them well and feel comfortable around them.

Heart Center – Willpower; ego and the material world.

Defined – like to be in control of their life and resources; can recognize one’s own value and tend to inflate it; make and keep promises; like to be their own boss; naturally competitive; know their own strength.
Undefined – not designed to be willful or competitive but often feel driven to find the courage to be this way; do not have the consistent energy to keep promises or persevere (willpower); tend to be over-acheivers as they try to prove themselves and try to be worthy; their lack of worth often leads to acceptance of much less than they deserve.
Open – do not know what worthiness is or feels like; waver between exaggerate self-worth and complete worthlessness; can be easily manipulated (naive) and controlled by others who promise them worthines.

My Heart Center is completely OPEN. I have had all of the experiences related to undefined and open listed above. However, when I make a promise, I tend to keep it BUT when I don’t keep a promise I am very hard on myself and/or make excuses. I have also come to make promises using specific wording so that I give myself room to fail. lol The “proving myself” theme is never-ending. Is is exhausting and I have to work hard on my self-talk in this regard. I am not there yet. I struggle with feeling good enough – pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, etc. I have always been self-conscious of my body, my looks, my face (skin specifically), hair, height, body type, etc. If it has to do with appearance I struggle with it. Somewhere along the way I was conditioned into thinking those who look good, who are pretty enough, will be accepted and loved while those who aren’t will be rejected. So messed up, right?

Kundalini Dream: Old Man

It has been a very long time since the Kundalini has visited me and it seems that other spiritual experiences are few and far between these days, also. However, I suspect this may be soon to change as we near the end of 2020. I hope I am right!

Last night, as I lay in bed doing my nightly breathing meditation (33 breaths with hands held in prayer position), my guidance was close. I was asking if I would ever feel what I have felt in the past – the heart connection and the Kundalini rising in conjunction with the connection with another; Union. I was feeling pessimistic but also there was a part of me that was accepting and Knowing. My guidance reassured me that I should not lose hope and keep on believing. I started to doubt it was my guidance telling me this when I began to feel energy building in my spine just beneath my rib cage. It was in the form of a ball and swirled warmly as it grew in diameter. The more I fell into the bliss of it and tuned into my guidance and Knowing, the more the energy expanded and filled me. It was subtly beautiful, warm and comforting. I usually call it an energy hug or blanket because of how safe and loved it makes me feel. 

I began to wonder about some things as I drifted to sleep. One of the thoughts I had was about Human Design and the undefined root chakra. When the root is undefined it makes a person feel pressure to get things done. They try tirelessly to relieve the pressure only to have another pressure take its place. It makes rush to get things done. It makes them feel frantic because nothing alleviates the pressure. I know the feeling well as I have had it my whole life. Yet now when I feel it I remind myself that I don’t have to hurry and that whatever it is can wait or not be done at all and the pressure disappears. I have somehow managed to allow and flow with the energy of the root. I recall observing my Mom rushing about all her life. She has an undefined root. I have also seen my husband do this (all the time) but I don’t have his chart so I can only speculate. My guess is my sister, who is always late, has a defined root, and my daughter, too, because they tend to procrastinate. 

I also thought of what it might be like when two people merge here in the physical. These were my last thoughts before I drifted into sleep.

Kundalini Dream – Old Man

I woke at around 3am with a half stopped up nose that made my other nostril hurt. I had to stay standing a while to clear the half that was clogged and then managed to fall back to sleep. The last things I was thinking about were my marriage. 

The dream sequence is broken, leaving me unsure of what happened first and last, so I am guessing as to how it proceeded. The most prominent part of the dream is that I was with small a group of people outside. The area was unfamiliar. I could see a plain of tall, dry grass (discomfort and loneliness) and a large river (the flow of life). Yet at other times I swear I was in my Mom’s house a place I spent half of my childhood years. 

At my Mom’s house there was an older man with white hair and a prominent pot belly. He handed me a paper with a job description on it. I read the job description which included a list of foods to be purchased. For some reason I became upset at the prospect of a job that was beneath me and paid so little. I told a person who was there with us that I wasn’t going to take a job that paid so little and was a service-oriented job similar to a maid or live-in housekeeper and cook. I remember saying that I deserved to be paid at least $20/hour, actually more and I was adamant about it. 

Then I was standing outside near the river. A house was nearby but it was old. I could see into it because the beams were exposed with some leaning in and others already fallen. Someone pointed up so I looked and I saw what appeared to be a tiny space craft. Someone said, “Oh look. It’s our drone.” I realized it was a drone (learning through observing) and watched it circle around as if spying on us. 

For some reason I was asked a series of questions about the old man. I don’t remember them all but do recall saying that I liked his energy and felt drawn to him.

Then I was standing right next to him, my left side touching his right, looking into the depths of the dilapidated house. I remember looking over at the old man and being acutely aware of how our energies mingled. Down in the basement (subconscious, unknown) I could see wooden pillars on cement blocks. The space was almost entirely opened up in the back where I could clearly see the river. I remember commenting on the river’s proximity and knowing it was meant to be that way. Someone asked me how I felt about the old man. Would I consider him as a partner? I considered his age and his physical state – he had a large pot belly and probably in his 60’s. I took note of this but his energy was so attractive that I said I wouldn’t mind being with him.

The next thing I recall is sitting at a table. Across from me sat a young man and to his right was the old man. The young man was highly energetic and for some reason he decided to switch seats with the old man so that the old man was sitting directly across from me. 

The dream is blurry here as I seemed to switch scenes going from the table to my old bedroom. In the bedroom scene I was in bed and to my left my daughter sat at a desk typing on a computer. I also remember shifting between my bed and the other areas of my Mom’s house. I recall the old man was visiting the house and that he played music. I also remember he was quite odd and quirky and was about to leave on a trip. My husband was there and chatting with the old man. All I remember is that I watched the old man closely, recognizing his energy and wanting to be close to him. In the bedroom scene my daughter stole my computer’s hard drive and battery so that when I tried to use it the keyboard was missing.

Back in the main part of the house, the old man was preparing to leave. He mentioned something about Kentucky and traveling. I briefly saw a map, one I’ve seen before from a dream where I visited Georgia. I remember my daughter was there and said something about a baby (new life, new beginnings, hope) and the time frame of a week. The old man said it would take more than a week and I heard the date of the 25th which made me think of Christmas.

I don’t remember how but the next thing I recall is the old man standing behind me and I began to gain lucidity. His mere presence sparked the K and it began to rise up in an intoxicating way. The higher it went the more lucid I became until it suddenly stopped mid-way, around my solar plexus. It lingered there, filling me up and expanding. I remember that at some point the man and I embraced and I could feel his large abdomen pressing against me. Eventually I woke up but the energy lingered for a while and I lay there breathless wanting badly to return to sleep so that it could continue to rise. 

Music Message

As I drifted in and out of the in-between a song was going through my head – Coldplay X&Y. The specific part was, “You are me are floating on a tidal wave together…you and me are drifting into outer space.” 

I kept feeling energy in my head, specifically near the crown and third-eye. It was light, not heavy. The energy was inviting, asking me to surrender to it, but I couldn’t get my mind to stop. I wanted to remember the dream experience. I wanted to relish the lingering bliss. I knew that my resistance was keeping me from something. It was as if my guidance wanted to show me more and was beckoning to me. 

The entire time the Coldplay song is still going through my head. Pieces of it repeat – “I know something is broken and I’m trying to fix it, trying to repair it anyway I can….”

I know I fell back to sleep and had more dreams but they are blurry and I think they blended with my dream memory. I believe this is when the split scene of me in bed and then in my Mom’s house occurred but I can’t be certain. There was no memory to my computer in this scene and I was trying to write down my dream account. lol

When I woke I had a thought about the pillars in the basement and the scene where I was sitting across from the old man. These reminded me of a previous Kundalini dream from September this year where I was shown an image of pillars falling in on one another. Perhaps the meaning of the fallen pillars in the basement is an indication that I am in the midst of the chaos depicted in that dream? A chaos that was in fact an organized destruction. All of it leading up to the inner Union of masculine and feminine.

I am hoping that the dream message about the 1 week and the 25th has to do with something up and coming related to the Kundalini. I so miss these Kundalini experiences and would love to have them more often.

Post Image – Missouri River, Montana

Defined, Undefined and Open

More and more fascinating information to share with you all from the book The Definite Book of Human Design: The Science of Differentiation.

First, some definitions:

Section 2: The Nine Centers, The Flow of Energy p. 51

Defined Center -That which is colored in the BodyGraph; what is consistently and reliably you. A defined center is formed when two gates at both ends of a channel come together to form a definition. 

Undefined Center – White areas on a chart, inconsistent, and flexible places; sources of both conditioning and wisdom; where we go to school to learn about life. The Undefined Center has dormant gates connected to it that wait to be connected or “sparked” by the gate at the other end of the channel. These “sparks” come from Others who have these gates and channels available.

Completely Open Center – That which is white or undefined in a BodyGraph; the source of conditioning, education, nurturing, and potential wisdom in a life. A center that has no dormant gates connected to it. “With no dormant gates in place to filter or prejudice incoming energy, we are open to the center’s full potential for experiential learning which becomes a source of wisdom as we mature” (p. 51). 

When I learned that there were completely open centers I immediately searched for them because I knew I had them. Sure enough, I found three.

Can you find the open centers? Hint: Centers with no color, no colored lines (channels), no colored circles (gates). Refer to the first pic (above) to compare if you are confused.

Completely open centers on my BodyGraph:

Solar Plexus

Completely open Head Center – These individuals have no way of knowing or recognizing when something is more or less inspiring or interesting than another. They may give away their Authority to others by relying on them to tell them what is interesting, inspiring or important. They just don’t know what to think about, what matters or doesn’t, or why and may end up fearing thinking about things or engaging in intellectual conversations. They key is to let the mental pressure pass through without identifying with it. Their wisdom comes when they become comfortable with letting the mental pressure pass on by. They can then learn to gauge who uses their mind effectively and who doesn’t. They can also become sensitive enough to pick up on the thoughts of others (telepathy). 

My thoughts – I laugh because I do struggle to find inspiration and interest in any “one” thing. I cannot understand how people obsess about celebrities or icons. I don’t get it! I have NEVER idolized anyone, not even my own mother. The question, “Who do you most want to be like? Who is your role model?” always stumped me. I want to say, “No one. Me?” lol Similarly, I liked many topics and found interest in many things but never found any one more interesting or inspiring than another. This lack of “passion” use to aggravate me to no end but I have out grown that. Now I just accept that I am ever flowing and fluid when it comes to things I like or take interest in. I also recognize that most of those things were not my interests anyway, but others’ and I “borrowed” them for a time to blend in and find connection. 

There is quite a bit of noise in my head – all the time. Like a constant thought-stream. I am not joking! I don’t think I feel overwhelmed by all the noise in my head, at least not since my twenties anyway. I’ve learned to ignore most of the noise and not take those thoughts seriously. I have also learned that some of those thoughts are NOT MINE, actually most aren’t! Learning to decipher my thoughts from Others was a lesson I learned early on. 

Telepathy is very real to me. Just yesterday while in Target shopping there was an older man who I sensed was “awake” like me. He walked by, we both looked at each other and acknowledge each other with a head nod. Then later I walked by him again. This time I saw his hands were over flowing with items and thought to him (I did not speak), “You should have gotten a cart.” Immediately the man saito me, “What?” lol I said, “I didn’t say anything.” I should have said what I was thinking, though. 

Completely Open Heart Center – Results in an individual never having a solid grasp of what it is to feel worthy, how to measure it or how to achieve it. These people can easily waver between feeling an exaggerated sense of importance to feeling completely worthless. They are easily manipulated and controlled because of their inconsistent self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. Wisdom comes to those with a completely open Heart Center when they accept that they have nothing to prove. Look to them for wisdom about the trustworthiness of one’s word and/or the use of money and personal power on the physical plane. 

My thoughts – I most definitely relate to the part about exaggerated sense of importance to suddenly feeling like nothing/worthless! Mostly I feel this part of me draws to me relationship where the Other has a solid sense of self and self-worth. I do not gravitate toward those who don’t, not generally. My friends and partners all have been strong in self-worth, at least as best as I can identify. I do not feel my completely open Heart Center is a bad thing at all. I do indeed know how to use money and power and can pick out a trustworthy person over a deceitful one any day. For me, this openness was probably the worst to handle when I was growing up and in high school. 

Completely Open Solar Plexus – Like the undefined Solar Plexus, the Open Solar Plexus absorbs and amplifies emotion present in the environment. It is important to learn to decipher when the emotion is the individual’s emotion or the Other’s (Ask, “Whose emotion is this?”). Emotional decisions made by those with an open solar plexus often leave them regretful. These individuals do not like confrontation and tend to avoid it. These individuals have no “way of filtering or connecting to incoming potent, emotional energy.” They can be confused by what they feel because they don’t know how to interpret it. “They don’t know what to desire, when to be sensitive or passionate, or how to recognize and deal with people’s needs or moods.” They can feel like something is emotionally wrong with them. Their wisdom comes from learning how to understand emotion in it’s purest state. For emotion to be beautiful to those with an open solar plexus they must learn to not attach to the emotion. (p. 85)

My thoughts – This one feels like it goes with the open Head Center really well. Confused about emotion? Yep, that’s me! Overwhelmed by emotion? Yep! Empathic? Hell yeah! I have learned over time to never make decisions based upon my emotion. I wait and see if when the emotion has passed to see if I still want to do it. I have always felt something was wrong with me emotionally. I never seem to “get” what others get in terms of emotion. It is like I feel something else altogether and maybe I do? Maybe I feel the “pure” version? I know that is the case with love anyway. 

You may ask how does someone NOT know how to filter and interpret emotional energy? Honestly, I can’t say what is normal for others, just what is normal for me. I have learned to read energy, not emotion, because emotion is inconsistent. One person’s “happy” reads as “complacent” while another’s reads as “high” or “focused” or “intense”. So the energy is the true filter, not the emotion. With my open Head Center and the constant influx of thought alongside the influx of emotion of my open Solar Plexus, I am surprised I have not ended up in a psychiatric institution! 

If you are curious to know more and like to do this kind of research yourself, I recommend buying the book. It doesn’t have all the answers but it is most definitely worth it IMO.