Yesterday I had a thought regarding my dreams recently, specifically the last two. Both times I had asked to be shown what my Heaven would be. Where will I go when I die? What will it look like? I asked this mainly out of curiosity and a hope that I would go OOB or experience a wonderful escape into a magical astral landscape. I miss such adventures! Anyway, the thought I had was that perhaps my dreams were showing me what I asked and I misunderstood? Maybe I was seeing an alternate reality? A reality where I am not afraid to speak my truth, travel with and spend time with my friends and help the victims of physical reality recover and heal.
So last night I asked to be shown again but was more specific, hoping to get a better idea of what it was my guidance was trying to show me. Mostly, though, I was feeling very doubtful that my dreams were a glimpse into a possible future and suspicious of my guidance. Maybe it is all a test to see if I will grab onto anything that vaguely resembles hope? And then, as is my tendency, that hope is shattered when nothing changes or shifts in my world.
These thoughts are similar to thoughts I was having last Fall when I was having debilitating panic attacks. The thoughts make me shut down to my guidance completely out of concern that one – or maybe all of them – is in disguise and are not at all of the Light. They could be negative entities, Ego driven, or something else and so to shut down protects me from their influence and forces me to listen to my gut/feeling/intuition.
My feeling last Fall was that negative entities, or those from the “dark side”, are doubling their efforts, seeking to prevent humanity from escaping the trap of illusion by targeting those whose auras are beacons to others. Or maybe that isn’t it at all and I am just struggling to Trust yet again, letting my mind chatter unduly influence me.
My lack of Trust comes from so many let downs along my path, where I felt great certainty but was thrown curve ball after curve ball. It has taught me to be wary of anything and everything I “think” might be true, especially if it feels positive, good or hopeful.
Dream: Aad Guray Nameh
I had many strange dreams, most I can’t recall. My sleep was restless with frequent awakenings. Toward early morning I had a semi-lucid dream in which I felt attacked by something or someone I couldn’t see, reminiscent of some of my early, spontaneous OBEs.
My dream memory begins with me standing in what appears to be at the bottom of an empty swimming pool. The pool is not too deep because I can see over the sides of it. In the pool I am holding something in the palm of my hand that looks like small, black ants. I toss the creatures high up into the air and then watch to see what they do with their freedom.
When the creatures land on the floor they look like some kind of beetle or roach with long, brown wings. They scurry about and grow in size, changing shape and color. Their bodies become sleek and black like dragonflies (false beliefs and perceptions), their wings iridescent white. They buzz all around and for a moment I am delighted to see how happy they are. I remember thinking, “You are free!”
Suddenly, the insects start flying at me and begin to attach themselves to different areas of my body. They don’t bite me but I do not like that they are attracted to me and want them off. I begin to swipe at them and they fly away only to come back at me in a swarms. One lands right on my privates and I wipe it away as if I am wiping myself with toilet paper. I remember thinking at it, “How did you get there?” This is when I realize that I am not wearing any clothes.
Feeling overwhelmed and unable to get away, I call out to my daughter. While screaming for help my vision goes black and I can’t see. Trapped in darkness I feel vulnerable and alone and even though I no longer feel the insects around me, I feel surrounded by a very negative energy, one that gets pleasure from my fear and is taunting me.
My daughter arrives and turns on a light. The entire scene lights up and I find myself in my bedroom. Then the lights go off again and I am in total darkness.
The feeling of the negative presence grows. I can almost see it dancing around me, poking and prodding at me. Thoughts are coming at me, thoughts that sprout hopelessness and despair. I also hear the lyrics of a song going through my head, over and over: “Now you’re just somebody that I use to know”.
I get the idea to chant Ong namo guru dev namo. Initially my voice doesn’t work and a hoarse whisper comes out of my mouth. This doesn’t faze me and I keep chanting it, over and over again until my voice changes pitch. It gets very low and begins to resonate deep in my chest and I swear I hear another voice join in. Then, satisfied that I have chanted it enough, I shift to the prayer of protection:
Aad Guray Nameh
Jugaad Guray Nameh
Sat Guray Nameh
Siri Guru Dayvay Nameh
I bow to the Primal Wisdom.
I bow to the Wisdom through the Ages.
I bow to the True Wisdom.
I bow to the great, unseen Wisdom
Once I start chanting this my voice returns to its natural pitch and tone. There is no longer a constriction in my throat, my energy lightens and I feel powerful. I begin to negative feel the energy retreating. I notice the darkness in the room is shifting, getting lighter. I decide to chant, “Aum” or “Om”, and direct it toward the closest where I feel the energy lingering. When I chant “Aum” it is deep and powerful, as if I have a hundred monks chanting with me. The closet becomes illuminated with a bright light. Where I thought I would see clothing, there was none. The closet was empty.
My daughter returns and we leave the bedroom and go into an open space that resembled my upstairs living area. There is a clothing rack in the middle of the room. On the rack are identical sets of bras and panties. There are at least fifty of them. I grab one and begin to try and take it off the hanger but the threads are stuck, entangled in the clasp. My daughter asks if I want help but I tell her I will get it free, which I do almost immediately after. I put the tan and lace bralette on over the bra I am wearing.
After some time (my recall is hazy) I begin to feel the negativity and dark returning. This time I begin to sing a song from my childhood, one I use to love singing at church. As I sing the song I visualize a green field. The field manifests and I feel a warm breeze and a peace surround me. I start to cry. I continue to sing as I wake up – “You alone are my strength my shield, to you alone may my Spirit yield.”
When I woke my eyes and pillow were wet from crying.
My thoughts about the dream are that I was being shown how I create my reality. How the darkness is a reflection of me, my fears, doubts and insecurities. I am able to chase away the darkness using faith in a mantra. I trusted that if I kept chanting it the darkness and negativity would disappear and be replaced with Light and it was.
I find it interesting that I chanted the mantras that I did. Prior to bed I thought that I should continue to chant them every night, even though I was no longer practicing the Wahe Guru meditation/mantra. I was reminded of this article I read over a month ago as I was memorizing the foreign words.
My memory of how my daughter appeared in the dream does not match my daughter in real life. She looked like me, only younger with a brilliance and Light in her aura. I suspect she was the me who Remembers, my Higher Self.
Earlier this morning I read a blog post about Trust. It seemed to speak to me specifically, reminding me to put my Trust in God/the Universe and remember that there is a method to this madness. Fear can be a teacher, too, if we let it. There was a line in the post, like a prayer, asking that we all find the spark of courage that turns our darkness into sunlight. That is exactly what I did in my dream.