Walk-in/Walk-Out

The fatigue and heavy eyelids period seems to have passed and I’ve returned to my typical sleep patterns. I miss the great sleep but it was beginning to make me feel like a sloth during the day. Happy to have my energy back! Not sure how long it will last, but it sure is nice to have the cobwebs cleared away and my focus back. I still have mommy-brain (does it ever go away?) but that’s okay.

When the fatigue stopped, clarity took its place. Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I felt good and even exercised without incident. There was a realization that I have been resisting the flow of life because it is not going fast enough and change is not perceived. There are things I would like to see change but it is not the time. My guidance has been trying to help me Remember this is part of my path. They mention I have made a “commitment” and I assumed its meaning rather than recognize the word itself doesn’t give any indication about who or what I committed to.

I was led to return to my Walk-In Life blog and saw my last post was in April, 2020. I thought it no coincidence that it has been exactly a year. The post itself was positive, indicating a preparation and integration period. 

Interestingly enough, last week I was reminded of the walk-in experience and how I have been in a very long integration period. Many of the feelings I have are typical of this period: sadness, overwhelm, feeling unable to change the world, falling into the walk-out’s old patterns (letting her take the reigns because of overwhelm). All are typical, especially becoming lost in old patterns and behaviors.

It can take years and years to integrate after a walk-in event(s). A common amount of time is 7-10 years, though it can be sooner or later depending on the individual. It is easy to end up lost in the old because of friends and family member’s expectations that you remain as you were. The pressure to be the old version is high. For me, it feels like it is all part of “the plan”. This plan stems from the need to complete the karmic lessons of the walk-out. She is/I am a mother to three children. That doesn’t just go away. Yet being aware of all that I am, it is hard to live within both realities simultaneously. So my solution was to shut myself off from my spiritual Team/Home out of an inability to reconcile what I experienced and how I’d changed with the rest of my life and the world as a whole. However, shutting it out completely only led to my current predicament. I have to return to the balanced version, the me who can navigate both worlds and remain centered throughout.

Along the way I have had encounters with others who were called in to assist me. Their goal is to help me Remember so that I do not become completely lost in this dense reality and go off path. I see now how a particular individual was meant to help me with this. The way he entered and left my life, each time shaking me up just enough to remind me of my higher purpose. Each time the small self won out with her fears, considerations and survival inclinations becoming primary to everything else. It is a struggle to shift away from old patterns, habits and beliefs, even when faced with the extraordinary. The saying, “If it’s seems too good to be true, then it probably is”, comes to mind. Yet I have experienced something that is beyond just “good”, so that reasoning is obviously faulted.

Duh. If I had only been paying more attention! But then the process itself is more important than any regrets I might have because it has taken me step-by-step to this moment and thus prepared me for what is coming next. 

Walk-In

In case you are not sure what a walk-in is, here is a quick explanation. In some cases, a walk-in describes the process of a new soul coming into a physical body. The walk-out is the old soul who has decided to leave and rather than waste a perfectly good body, the walk-in takes over. It is prearranged and is NOT possession. This is the least common walk-in scenario and often goes along with a major physically traumatic event such as a NDE. In other situations, a walk-in is simply a higher aspect merging with the lower aspect. Often times the lower aspect has many soul fractures or splinters leaving it unable to complete its soul mission without assistance. Again, trauma is involved but not necessarily an NDE, though it is possible that the individual may have had a NDE.

My experiences align with the second definition and it is my understanding that many walk-in’s in this present time period are this kind of walk-in. It is part of the ascension, which is essentially, by definition, the walk-in process (higher self descends to meet with lower self to create a more whole, centered and aware version). The result is the small self (Ego) is put in the back seat of the car (life path/body vehicle) and the Higher Self drives – which is how it is suppose to be!

There is no one-size-fits-all walk-in experience.

As a result of this Remembering (the walk-in integration process and all it entails), I have been tuning in more frequently and speaking/singing in Light Language again. My energy body immediately responds. I literally feel lit up. The bliss begins in my chest and spreads outward in waves. I’ve stopped retreating or pulling my energy in close and have started to open back up, reaching out to receive, and receive I do! And in doing this I realize that I have chosen to ignore or turn my back on the bliss state because (like I said above), “It must be too good to be true.”

Other walk-in’s, those I’ve met in the past, speak in Light Language frequently – daily. It immediately increases ones vibration. There is no doubt about it. But even without speaking in Light Language I can tune into the bliss just by settling into my heart.

Recently when I was focusing on my heart I felt/saw a pool of water there. It was like my entire heart space was a vast lake. I imagined myself floating on the water and fell into waves of bliss. So I keep falling into the water, diving even, and then just float there. Sometimes it is so beautiful that I start to cry. The bliss is there, all the time, in me! And in you, too, if you look for it.

Dream Healing Experience

Sleep didn’t come as easily last night. As soon as I got into bed I felt a strong energy from out in front of me and slightly to my left. Initially, when I sensed it, the energy felt urgent and I felt like jumping out of bed and acting on that urgency. This is when I questioned the energy and heard back, “We are here to help you” and sensed a very large group of Beings – the Council of 12 is what I have called them in the past. Though I felt tired and my eyes were heavy, when I attempted sleep I tossed and turned until just before midnight.

Dream Healing Experience

I found myself inside an apartment with a young, blonde man. I was questioning why I was there. He seemed nice enough and resembled someone I met back in 2015. I remember feeling extremely drowsy. 

I sat down on the floor and propped myself up against a sofa. The young man plopped down next to me. As we talked, his energy was very calming and surrounded me in a kind of cocoon of energy. The energy was beautiful and caused my drowsiness to intensify. I discovered that I was this man’s roommate and the attention he paid me caused me to worry he might be interested in a relationship with me. He stayed very close, touching me at all times with some part of himself. His energy said, “It’s okay. You’re safe and loved. Talk to me”. I remember thinking, “He’s like me” and being relieved but my eyes were so heavy and all I wanted to do was rest for a bit. I told him this but he continued to hover. I closed my eyes, enjoying his energy, and he began to shower me with kisses all over my face. I told him I just wanted to lay there with him and asked him if he could hold me. He appeared to do this and for a brief period I surrendered to the amazing comfort and safety of his arms.

Then, suddenly, a strange woman wearing a long dress was standing in the doorway to the apartment. She had long, wavy, dark hair and a serious look on her face. The young man jumped up in a hurry and told me he had to go to work. He was wearing khaki pants and a matching shirt as he left through the front door. The door was odd, though. It was not solid and seemed to be made of a thick mat of beads or a similar material. I stood as he closed the door. It didn’t shut completely and he returned to push it into place. 

Seeing it was morning and I was all alone in a new place, I began to investigate my new home. As I looked around I was thinking of my situation. I knew I had lost my job. In my mind I was mulling over all my previous jobs and remember feeling as if someone suggested a previous employer as an option. There was no concern or worry about my situation. I seemed to just accept it.

I sat down at the kitchen table and was surprised by an young Asian woman. She was drinking a soda (happy, upbeat attitude) and I noticed I had one, too. I asked her name and she gave me a name that didn’t make sense, so I asked her what her family called her. She told me she couldn’t tell me. In talking with her, I soon learned the apartment was much larger than it seemed and at least eight others lived in it. These others began coming into the kitchen at this time but I only recall four or five of them, some male, some female. The Asian woman asked me if I was going to drink my soda. When I said I wasn’t, she asked if she could have it and when I agreed she took it eagerly.

I took a closer look at the kitchen. I had this empty feeling and I felt like I needed to fill it with something, food maybe. There were groceries all over the countertops but it was mostly loaves of bread (basic needs in life). I briefly mentioned they must like bread as I thought that I would certainly have to go shopping for more foods items because bread alone wouldn’t suffice. Then I asked if they had a coffee maker. The Asian woman said they did. I asked if anyone drank coffee (seeking more awareness), she said she would but only with a certain kind of creamer. I took note of this as an item to add to my shopping list. 

Throughout all this I was conversing with them about my situation. I mentioned that I was paid $250/week and this information seemed off. I didn’t become lucid in the dream, though. All at once I realized that I had lost everything – my job, my house, my family, my identity even. My reaction to this was shock and an expansion of the empty feeling I had previously. There was a brief panic at not knowing what to do.

The next thing I know, I am standing outside the door to the apartment. I don’t know how I got there but it felt like I’d been kicked out. Feeling abandoned and alone, I began to wander the streets aimlessly.

I came to a busy area where people were walking about or sitting at tables. I saw some guys attempting to bully a young, nerdy guy into handing over his valuables. I walked up to them and slipped my hand into his pocket and retrieved a wad of money. The bullies had in their hand a folder and were looking through it. One mentioned how good I was as a pickpocket. The other, holding the folder, pulled out some sheet music and then put it back inside. I turned to the nerd who was standing there in shock. I asked his name and he gave me a name that started with a “V”. Somehow I knew he was a musician. I felt bad for him and ashamed at myself for taking his money but I needed the money. I had to eat.

As I walked away, I turned to see the crowded space of people of all ages and races. I noticed something was off and went to investigate. I found a young black mother and her daughter, both dead, sitting at one of the tables. The daughter had her throat cut from her neck all the way down to the middle of her chest. I look around and saw no one there even noticed. They were all too busy. I went up to the dead mother and daughter. I placed their bodies next to one another on the floor, wrapping the daughter in her mother’s arms. Then I pulled a blanket up and around them, covering them completely. 

In this moment I am transported back to the apartment. All of the roommates are there hovering around me as I stand at the entrance. It is similar to another dream I had recently. I feel like a child, very naïve. For some reason I excitedly announced that I learned one could find food by looking for the trucks “with the light”. 

Sudden realization hit me. I thought, “I’m acting like a child.” And as soon as the thought hit me, I burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. 

What I recall of this moment is my thoughts and the feeling from the group that surrounded me. My main thought was the world is a horrible place full of self-serving individuals. I am reminded of the dead mother and daughter and how no one even noticed or tried to help, caught up in their own life dramas. I thought of how those bullies took advantage of the nerd. Again, self-serving behavior. I was both horrified and shocked by what I experienced. The feeing was there was no hope for this planet or the people on it.

I remember pausing for a moment. My tears stopped and I looked at the people standing around me. When I felt their energy and support, I burst into tears again.

The feeling from those who surrounded me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I felt wrapped in a bubble or cocoon of energy. I remember thinking, “They are like me”, and recognizing they were somehow directing or manipulating the energy, my energy. I thought they must be reflecting my own energy back at me or something, but this didn’t seem right. The feeling of being in the cocoon was the most wonderful, safe, feeling I’ve ever had. I could be completely open and vulnerable. I could be myself without worry of judgement or expectation. I realized that being this way is all I’ve ever wanted but because I sense how people truly are, I’ve never met anyone I can be 100% myself with. It was such a relief to finally let go. 

As I began to wake up from the dream, I could hear soft music accompanying my tears.

After Waking

When I woke I was sobbing, the kind of sobbing where I can’t breathe. Even when I stopped, the tears would seep out unexpectedly. I realized how trapped I feel in this world. Abandoned. Alone.

I remember that during the dream someone was talking to me about certain people in my life, people I would rather not be around and so avoid. When asked if I would reconsider, I felt into their energy and could not tolerate it. My reply was, “No”. Then I said, “I’m with the wrong people (in my life)”. The people I should be around should make me feel like the roommates in my dream. 

As I lay in the in-between I remember catching pieces of a conversation. What is funny is that whenever I tried to focus on what was being said, it would instantly be lost to me. I was told it was purposeful, and I understood. The feeling of it was enough. I remember Knowing that difficult times were ahead, similar to the situation I found myself in during the dream. A feeling of all being lost. The dream served as a warning of this but also a message that I would find my people, people who “are like me”. What that means, I don’t know exactly. In the dream I remember thinking they must be Projectors or Reflectors (HD) because of how their energy felt. I didn’t feel like my own energy was being sucked dry; depleted. It was such a relief.

I questioned my guidance regarding the music that was playing. It was was like a scene from a movie and I knew I should find some humor in it, but I didn’t. Soon enough, though, another song came to mind: “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface. Well you talk like yourself but I hear someone else and now you’re making me nervous.” I understood my guidance was letting me know their concern.

This is the whole song:

I wrote the above portion of this post early this morning and came back to it now (mid-day) because the feeling from my dream returned briefly and brought on more tears. It feels like whatever is going on isn’t over. There is a sense of something big, or an “uh-oh” type feeling of anticipation.

Re-Calibration and Dream

Woke up this morning realizing that I am probably done with the spiritual work of my past. Meaning, I’m most likely never going to do readings or mediumship or medical intuition or any of those things to the extent that I did before I got married. Other, younger individuals, are taking up those reigns. They are the ones receiving the communication and having the expansive experiences now. It kinda made me sad to think of it but then I know this is part of the cycle.

There is a super moon right now and I had hoped for some experiences in my sleep. Kundalini would’ve been nice. A trip OOB like I use to have, visiting ETs, other worlds and living/breathing space ships would have been good, too. Nope. I just had a dream where I was outside, climbing in a tree telling my husband I am going to quit school and watching cars drive at night without headlights. WTF? lol

I know my guidance advised me not to look too much into my dreams, but here it is anyway:

Dream: Quitting School

I find myself suddenly standing outside the elementary school I attended in 5th grade. I am at the back of a line of young students, about five to ten feet from the group. A teacher is asking them to be quiet and fix the line. She is making threats like, “We will stand here until you can listen, even if it takes all day” and “Everyone get five others to follow directions”. The kids are trying to stand in a straight line but they are struggling. Some want to wander, others are just not understanding what “straight” means, and still aren’t listening because they are talking to their friends or just distracted by the world around them. 

As I watch, I recall being the student and the teacher and going through this routine. I wonder, “Why is it so important that the line be straight and the kids don’t talk?” I think how the new generations will challenge those who attempt to get them to do things that make no actual sense and serve no other purpose than to force them into submission. 

As I am standing in line, I am able to see and experience the scene from all perspectives. I have 360 degree vision. As a result, I turn and face myself, zooming in on my body standing there observing. I realize I am wearing my night shirt and long pants. I return to my own perspective feeling a bit confused and worried that I am not properly dressed. I think I should ask the teacher, “Do you have a school shirt I could wear?” But I don’t ask. Instead, it feels like an outside force pulls me back out to take another look at myself. My visual field is focused as if looking through a telescopic lens. It zooms in on the front of my t-shirt where a large rose is centered over my chest. I am reminded of a similar occurrence the night before where this rose was illuminated. I feel/Know it is a message.

The scene shifts. I am in a void but recall talking to my husband or someone who feels like him. I recognize that I am attending school a second time around and, as is a common theme in my dreams, I protest this because I have already graduated. I think (or maybe it is suggested) perhaps I could learn something new by retaking all my classes? I recognize this is possible because I always find more info on second, third and even forth reviews of subject material. The possibilities are infinite. 

Then I find myself in front of my house. It is early morning and still dark. I hear and then see my husband across the street. He has our dog, Monty, and is crossing the street to get a ball. Our neighbor is a bit down the road and out of sight walking her own dog. The ball is hers. I yell to my husband to be careful of cars and to not draw her dog out into the street.

This is when I realize I am up in a tree. It is a small tree with thin branches standing no more than eight feet high. I am observing the scene from the tree and realize the conversation about school is on-going as the scene unfolds. I tell my husband (or someone who feels to be with me), “I’ve decided to quit school. There is no point in redoing all the coursework when I’ve already graduated. I can just stop attending, so I’m done.” When I say this I feel freed of the conditions I’ve found myself in. I realize it is my choice and no one can force me to go to school. I briefly imagine the scene at the beginning of the dream where the children are in line. I imagine myself saying to the kids, “You don’t have to stand in line. Come with me this way!” and then inviting them to follow me off to explore and be free. 

I climb down the tree as I say this and watch as a car drives down the road toward my husband. It’s headlights are off so it is nearly impossible to see the car. I yell a warning and see another car coming from the opposite direction. Again, it’s headlights are off. I walk toward the edge of our yard. My neighbor is walking to her house with her dog. I say, “Why don’t they have their headlights on? It is still dark.” She says something like, “Yeah, I know!”

My lucidity peaks at this point and I wake up.

Considerations

Upon waking I was feeling very disappointed and depressed. The realizations I wrote at the beginning of this post came to me. It feels like it is all over – like my work is done. I don’t see the point of continuing in this life and body as I cannot see or even feel what path I would take. 

As I was thinking this, I felt a pull toward my guidance and felt all at once to be receiving large quantities of information but there were no words. Whatever I was told, though, caused me to calm down and surrender. I felt relieved, but I don’t know why. Then I heard the word “timing” and “patience”. I responded that I am tired of waiting. It seems like that is all I ever do.

Interpretation

When I’ve dreamed of quitting school in the past, I always thought it meant that I am asking to leave this life and return Home. Since I’ve had this dream so many times in the past, I Googled the symbolism again in case I am missing something. The dream meaning of quitting school is this:

If you dream of leaving school, then this indicates there is going to be an improvement in your living conditions or home life going forward. Our attitude to our work ethic and life in general is formed whilst at school, which, in most cases sets out rules and various moral values which help us move forward in life.

I didn’t actually leave school in my dream, so it is an indicator that I am approaching a crossroads situation. My guidance told me I am being “calibrated”. I’ve been told this in the past. It means I am being prepared for something to come. The suggestion about learning through repeating school is that there is always something new to learn.

The part of the dream where I am watching the children in line feels to me to represent my time “on the roof”. In HD this is the period in which the 6th line observes. What I see is that society is stuck in the old ways. The souls arriving now will not conform to the old “rules” and expectations. I see that change is a requirement. The fact that I imagine “freeing” the children and allowing them to explore and uniquely express themselves is a positive sign. I have recognize what is needed and am willing to assist. As a 6th line, the whole end result is to step into being a Role Model. Perhaps my role has to do with children – or at least the younger generations who are going through their own awakenings at this time? 

The focus on the rose on my chest is interesting. My first thought is this is asking me to listen to my HS (G center), which in HD is my authority.

The rose is a symbol of the entirety, the higher spiritual world order. When you dream about a rose this usually represents love in some fashion but it can also represent fertility, admiration, rebirth and fidelity. The color of the rose also has a special meaning in your dreams. Red roses are most often for love and romance…..pink roses indicate unexpected help.

The rose on my shirt is mostly pink with yellow and orange. A rose in full bloom symbolizes rebirth.

Climbing or being in a tree indicates that I have reached a period in my life where I am experiencing the “height” of my career or success. It does coincide with my family’s affluence at this time so that makes sense to me.

The headlights being off on the cars as I watch from a distance are yet another indicator that I am able to perceive what others cannot or will not. The symbolism of no headlights is that an objective view will be reached but it will come with limitations (can’t see far ahead). In the dream there is just enough light to see the cars and surroundings but the low light prohibits clarity. 

Tired

I’ve been more tired than usual. I sleep deeply and struggle to wake up. Opening my eyes is a chore. It feels like a heavy weight is pulling them closed. Once I get up, though, I am fine until the evening. Then, the heavy feeling returns and I often end up in bed before 10pm because I just can’t keep my eyes open. 

I’ve been taking it easy when it comes to exercise. I am usually very active with at least 2+ hours of physical activity of some kind five days a week. With my recent illness (cold/allergies) and fatigue, I decided to take some time off. Today, however, I felt like exercising so I went for a mile run followed by a bodyweight circuit. Ugh! Well, my body said “Hell no”. lol I still completed everything but not without needing more rest than usual. 

Sometimes listening to my body is a loss for me. I am use to powering through tiredness and lack of motivation and coming out feeling wonderful in the end (endorphins). But lately I just want to take it easy, go for walks or do yoga. It likely goes along with the “calibration” my guides mentioned. There is definitely something going on. I can feel it, especially at night and when I wake in the mornings. So I am going to do my best to listen.

Something that crossed my mind this morning was that I should probably shift back toward eating less meat and more veggies – so vegetarian/pescatarian. When I wonder why this is, it feels like meat contributes to a sluggishness in my energy. It does take longer to digest meat and the energy signature of most meats has never agreed with me. Whether I will do this long-term or not is yet to be decided. I think I will just start with trying to eat less meat and go from there. I think combining this change in diet with less strenuous exercise may be just what I need.

What is Spiritual Calibration?

I finished writing this post and then a thought came to me: What if readers aren’t sure what I mean when I say “calibration”? I thought, “Sure they know. It means I am being prepared to take in more Light.” But the feeling I got back was, “Are you sure?” So, since I’m not sure, I will provide a reference for you since I cannot post any part of it here (copyright reasons) – Spiritual Calibration. Go to paragraph 13 if you want to get straight to the info.

Basically, the channeled information says that spiritual calibration is a preparation of our Earth energy body to accept energy from “higher” sources. Higher in this instance really means of a “higher vibration”, not necessarily indicating direction.

So what exactly is happening to us/our energy bodies/physical bodies during calibration/re-calibration? The specifics are not given to me but I know very well how it feels to experience it. All of the above physical symptoms are usual for me. What I understand is happening is that my energy body is getting an upgrade. A new version of my energy body is being brought online. This version will be better able to receive and process the incoming energy so that I won’t suffer any physical or mental side-effects. The fact that I am experiencing the deep sleep, fatigue and slowing down in itself indicates my system is “offline” right now. It won’t be this way for long, just long enough to complete the calibration process.

About 90% if those who previously received upgrades are getting another one right now. So if you’re feeling like me, just listen to your body, take it easy and enjoy some rest. If you don’t, you could end with worse symptoms. Panic attacks are my “you’re doing too much” sign. <— NOT fun!

Update and Dream: Would You Have Dinner with Me?

For the past two nights I’ve slept really, really good. My dreams are numerous and vivid and when I wake I find it difficult to keep my eyes open. I LOVE it! I only had a few days of lighter sleep before the deeper sleep returned. It just so happens it coincided perfectly with geomagnetic activity. When the chart was in the green, I slept lighter and woke earlier. When it was in the red, even just a little, I would fall into a wonderful, deep, restful sleep. My children and husband have reported similar sleep patterns. My husband said he sleeps a lot but never feels fully rested. He reports feeling more stressed, tired and hungry.

Despite all the dream activity, I’ve not been too interested in writing about my dreams. I do still write down the occasional dream but have really no interest in them lately. I will be including one in this post because it feels linked to a previous dream, though.

Before I post my dream, I wanted to share a communication I received this morning about the current energies.

What’s going on right now: re-calibration of new energetic blueprints; upgrades to those already established (awakened) on Earth (90% affected); awakening “codes” transmitted to those previously not awakened which may or may not be consciously received. The total “image” is pixelated (mentally confuses) so any attempt to make sense of it will not have the desired results. 

What I see (visual field): bluish wave of light entering Earth’s atmosphere which looks like it is coming in from the northwest. As the energy descends I see what resembles “fingers” or tendrils of energy reaching down. 

Instructions on processing the received energy: Let it happen, allow without analyzing, be the Observer, walk in the Light/be the Light. Dreams will provide insight but resist the urge to analyze. Stay out of the mind.

Dream: Would You Have Dinner With Me?

[Shift from previous dream] I am walking inside a mall. I can see shops left and right but I don’t recognize the place and wonder how I got there and why I am there. To my left I see a small restaurant. A man is standing, back to me, talking to the owner. I recognize the man as my friend and think, “He must have stopped in to check on his old business.” It felt like he sold his business long ago but that he sometimes came by to chat with the new owner and see how things were going. I think it coincidental that he and I happen to be in the same place at the same time and decide not to let the opportunity to say “hi” pass by.

As I walk up behind the man, I noticed the restaurant is undergoing renovations and the owner is not the one who bought the place originally. I think, “It must have been sold again.” When I reach the man I say, “Hi”. I can’t recall my exact words now, but it was something like, “Fancy seeing you here.” The man turned and looked at me, his face morphing as he moved. He shifted into someone who resembled my friend only. His face was very similar but his body went from thin to obese and his expression was sad, like he was grieving.

The man looked at me questioningly and with surprise. I knew he did not know who I was. I think I had already said, “I use to love eating here” and then mumbled uncomfortably about something as I turned and walked away.

I walked a few yards and stepped down into a circular (cycles of life, infinity) pit that was about six to eight feet in diameter and a foot deep. I knelt down and began to dig (seeking something, “digging” deep within) with a spade into the black, fertile dirt. It felt like I had created this pit but I have no idea why. Perhaps it was a garden? A garden in the middle of a mall, though? lol As I dug, I was feeling foolish and a bit confused about what had just happened. It had felt like I must have been there to meet my friend, so why was it someone else?

As I dug, deep in thought, out of the corner of my eye I saw the man walk past me toward a nearby bench. He stopped and watched me for a bit. I glanced up at him, feeling a bit nervous and uncomfortable. I stopped digging and said, “It use to be a great place to eat.” He nodded his head in agreement. I noticed again how similar he looked to my friend but the shape of his body and smoothness of his face were dissimilar. He seemed younger. Again, I felt that he was quite sad and I sympathized with him because I, too, was sad. I remember feeling that we were the same.

The man then asked me a question. He asked, “Would you have dinner with me?” Taken by surprise, his question propelled me into sudden lucidity. My mind took some time to catch up with my dream experience, which is probably a good thing. In the moments after his question, I remember thinking a response back to him, “Yes, I would like that.” 

Considerations

In a swirl of energy I felt pulled back to body awareness. It was like I was suctioned out of the dream. My mind was confused initially because of my immediate, positive response to the man. I was thinking, “That is not like me. He is not my type.” Yet I knew that the reason I said yes was because I recognized myself in him and nothing about him felt to be threatening. Here was someone like me, who was sad and alone. Here was someone that maybe I could help and who could help me. 

Still, though, I was confused. Who was this man? Was he my friend or someone else? Was his appearance shifting like that meant to show me a part of my friend who I had not yet acknowledged? 

The heaviness of sleep kept lulling me back into the in-between and I lost some time because of this. I have no idea where I went but when I returned I had some thoughts that I feel I should note here.

Yesterday, out of the blue, I had an answer to a question I had not gotten to ask in a recent dream. I meant to ask the man in my dream, “So what is the problem?” The question came to me when I said to myself, “The problem is I don’t want what I have.” Ha!

When this revelation was recalled I did think about it a bit. I was reminded not to judge myself for feeling how I feel. I was reminded that it is OK to not want what one has. It doesn’t mean I need to try and force myself to want what I have, which is what I would normally try to do (it doesn’t work). There is nothing wrong with feeling how I feel. Still, I struggle to know exactly what it is that I want! Ugh!!! (the frustration is very real!)

Yet I still consider that wanting of anything is what keeps me from having it (one of the rules of the Universe). I keep telling the Universe, “I want [fill in the blank]”. Instead, I need to tell the Universe, “I have [fill in the blank with what I want].” Yet, for me, the blank remains blank because I can’t articulate what I want. I can only feel it. 

And so that is what I did and I became lost in the feeling of what it is I want for some time. My heart sparked only slightly, so I know that I hit upon something, even if it was momentary. 

Then there were the lyrics from songs going through my head. Two different ones. The first was, “All along, baby, I should’ve been number one.” And the other was the same from yesterday – “And I want you to [Remember] me. Come closer, come closer.” 

It is not lost to me that the question the man in this dream asked me has been asked of me before. In this Kundalini dream I was asked/told, “Have dinner with me”. In that dream my response was that we should just have sex and get it over with. lol So my response was quite different this time around. My immediate feeling is that my sense of the person asking the question is why my response is so different. The dream from January indicates that I am not interested in a man whose sole interest in me is sexual. The dream from last night indicates I am much more interested in someone who is vulnerable and seeking companionship. The second man also feels “safe” to me. I feel drawn to him out of love and compassion, not lust/passion. I think the two tell volumes about who I am and what motivates me when it comes to relationships with others.

Updates

I want to take some time to update on some things in my life.

My idea to build a cabin or lodge on my mom’s retreat land has been put on hold. A week after my mother told me she would love for me to build on the land and help with the retreat, she FB messages me that she and her husband decided it wasn’t a good idea. They want to turn the main house, the house they live in, into the lodge. I was a bit disappointed at first but not upset by the information. I knew immediately what had happened. My mom’s brother, who knows about the idea, likely told her he didn’t like the idea because it meant someone living within view of his own home. My step-father would be against it for two reasons. First, when my sister and her family lived with them, it threw him back into drinking and almost destroyed his marriage to my mom. Second, both my step-father and my mom worry my living there even part-time will lead to divorce. Neither of them believe in divorce. Despite divorce not being the plan, I understand their reasoning and do not fault them for it. I am okay either way.

It actually surprised me that I reacted the way I did – with relative calm. When I inspected this, I realized it is because I am okay with leaving that family land behind. I feel “done” with it. And a part of me really wishes there was no land because of the trouble it will bring in the future, when my mom passes away. She has me as executor and I do NOT look forward to the mess that will ensue because my sisters, both struggling financially, will be fighting over the scraps. Sigh.

In other news, after being sick and rundown for over a week, I asked my husband to take over most of my duties for a full week so that I could get the rest I needed. It was wonderful to have someone else cook dinner and clean up the kitchen every night! The kids griped about it because they are use to me and my cooking, but they got over it. We have worked it out that he will cook dinner three times a week and I have promised to leave the house cleaning alone so that he has a chance to contribute. It is very hard for me to leave dirty dishes in the sink, but I am trying!

Today I have been counting my blessings and intend to continue to do so as often as I can. The number one blessing on my mind is our financial situation. We just got our quarterly distribution and it was well over what is the norm. The business is booming and we find ourselves in a state of affluence.

We just recently had an accountant do our 2020 taxes and our tax bill was ridiculous! We are most definitely paying our share in taxes and to anyone who says business owners should pay more in taxes, you obviously haven’t ever owned a business! As it is, we have to pay the IRS our taxes in advance (quarterly) now in order to avoid a penalty. And even in doing that, it doesn’t guarantee we won’t have to pay more when we file our taxes.

Despite being in affluence for a year already, I am still in a state of disbelief. It feels like we won the lottery, except we are winning it every quarter. And the real shocker is that my husband only owns 20% of the company at this time. Eventually, he (we) will own half. So what we are making now is less than half of what we will eventually be making (insert shocked emoji).

I am still considering leaving my position with the company because, as it stands, twice my entire yearly pay is going back to the IRS in taxes. Sure, I get my pay monthly like everyone else, but my income just adds to our ever increasing tax bill. I don’t really even like my job. It is just a job and honestly, anyone with any financial sense at all could do it. The thing that keeps me from leaving is that I would technically be withdrawing from my own business and letting down “the team”. My husband and his brother are also wanting me to become the Chief Financial Officer when they buyout the third shareholder who currently holds that position. I don’t know if I want to be that person; however, I don’t know if I like the idea of it being in a non-family members hands. It would help if I knew what I would do if I wasn’t working there – but I have no clue. Funny thing is, ten years ago I would have had plenty of ideas but we just couldn’t afford for me to not work. It is ironic that now that I have the perfect set of conditions, I feel completely blank and unmotivated toward those things I once prayed I could have the freedom to do!

My husband and I now have financial planning meetings to determine what to do with the distribution we receive. As a result, we split the remaining money (after taxes, savings, bills, etc) between us to do with as we please. He always has a long list of what he wants to buy but I rarely, if ever, have anything on my own list. My money ends up in savings because, well, I don’t know what else to do with it. Maybe, after some time has passed and the shock/disbelief wear off, I will have a list, but I doubt it. The things I want are intangible and can’t be bought.

The irony of my life is not lost upon me. I spent all my life up until now wishing to have lots of money so I didn’t have to work and didn’t have to worry about survival. Here I am with everything I asked for and I don’t know what to do with myself.

What would you do?

Kundalini Dream Message: That’s Not the Problem

Unexpected Kundalini surprise in a dream this morning. It’s the first time in a long while that I’ve felt good upon waking. 

But first another short dream, one where I see my grandmother.

Dream: Wrinkled

This dream is fuzzy now but when I had it, it was quite vivid.

I am outside near my grandparent’s chicken coup and rabbit hutches. It is dark and the scene seems to shift between being outside to a dark room. My grandmother is with me and when I realize it is her I apologize to her for having her run so much. In my mind I am seeing my grandmother sprinting across the yard. It feels like I am training her to help her lose weight and get in shape. I mention to her that she was 82 at the time and probably too old to be running. She reassures me that I did not cause her death. I feel somewhat better. 

The conversation shifts to old age and wrinkles. My grandmother mentions how old and wrinkled her face got as she aged. I see her face clearly, remembering fondly how beautiful she was. I tell her that I think her wrinkles are beautiful. They come from smiling and singing. I trace the smile lines around her cheeks and say the singing wrinkles are the most beautiful to me.

Message

I woke up remembering my grandmother and considering the messages in the dream. A whisper of a question came to me, “How long has it been since you last sang?” I knew the answer was, “Too long.”

The messages, hidden in symbolism in the first part, seem to point to out how I am fighting a losing battle. Trying to outrun old age doesn’t work. It finds us all. Getting older can be a beautiful thing. It feels like she was suggesting that I will “run” myself to death if I continue in the direction I am going. She, herself, did similar. The suggestion is to focus on “smiling” and “singing”, which to me means doing the things that bring me joy. Singing is one of them. I don’t smile or sing very much these days. 

The dream comes after I told my personal trainer I need to take a break. For two weeks I am going to take it easy. After that I will start back on training, hopefully with a new mindset. I struggle with the idea of stopping altogether because I know that I need to keep my body healthy and exercise is the way to go. However, too much and with the wrong goal in mind, will not make me happy. Love for one’s body doesn’t mean forcing it to look a particular way, it means listening to it, down to a cellular level even, in order to better gauge what it needs. 

Kundalini Dream: That’s Not the Problem

The dream begins with my return from a vacation with my family. We arrive at a classroom (life lesson). It resembles an elementary classroom. My memory of where I was is not accessible. All I recall is a plane followed by being at the classroom door. There is also memory of parting ways with someone, a man who accompanies me. 

The man, who I can’t see but is standing behind me, asks me a question before I enter the classroom. He asks, “Are you sure you don’t want to come to the library (to seek wisdom) with me?” When he asks me, I recognize the time is 4pm and that he is suggesting I skip school and go with him. I tell him I need to go but don’t speak any words. He sends me a feeling of, “Okay, your loss” and leaves. His general energy is positive and somewhat amused, like he is saying, “I told you so”, in advance.

When I walk into the classroom it is very full. All the desks have young students in them and a female teacher is at the front. I ask the teacher what is going on, why is my desk occupied? She tells me they are playing a game and points to the back of the classroom. She says, “You can sit there.” I see what looks like an upside down bucket (self-restraint). I think, “She wants me to sit on that?” I feel insulted but don’t argue. I look at the floor as I walk to the back of the room and sit in the makeshift “desk”. 

I observe the “game” for a while from the back of the classroom. It appears the students are enjoying themselves but I can’t remember any specifics about the game except that students would walk down the isles of desks one at a time. 

Looking around me, I see clothes hanging from hooks above my head. It reminds me of a souvenir shop. I see t-shirts and tank tops with various messages written on them. I decide I want one, because, why not? But I can’t see any I like. 

Meanwhile, the students are all very immersed in their game. I am invited to take part but decline the invitation. I am just not interested in playing. The sense I get here is that I don’t belong and is similar to how I often feel in life. I watch people “playing the game” all around me but rarely, if ever, participate. 

Then I get a text message on my phone. When I look at who sent it, I realize it is the man who dropped me at the classroom door. I think, “Why is he texting me?” The sense is that this man is just an acquaintance and not someone who would communicate with me outside of work hours. 

When I read the text I instantly realize this man is much more than he seems to be. The text itself is lost to me (which is disappointing!) but the feeling I get as I read it is very vivid. He tells me that what I am doing is not working and gives me a synopsis of my current life issues. The issues involve my current relationship specifically. I do, however, remember the last thing he said, which was, “But that’s not the problem.”  

As I read his text, my heart chakra exploded with bliss, feeling to open up to the point that it extended all the way to my feet. I instantly knew the man’s intentions. It was a complete surprise, totally unexpected. I had no resistance whatsoever. If there was any, it melted away. All I wanted to do was respond to his invitation with a “YES”.  

Let It Happen

Before I could ask him to elaborate on what he said, I woke up, heart still expanded and bliss pouring through my body. I was thinking, “Tell me what the problem is” as I woke and I was a bit miffed at myself for waking up before I could get an answer. I knew there wouldn’t be one. I would be left hanging, but I didn’t care. I was too caught up in the heart bliss. Oh how I’ve missed it!!

I remember thinking to myself, this (the heart bliss) is what I’ve been missing. I can have all the orgasmic, erotic, tantalizing Kundalini one can imagine, but without the heart bliss, it will always be lacking. Without the heart, the merging of Heaven and Earth cannot – WILL NOT – happen. 

To my surprise, the heart bliss remained for a long while after (at least an hour) and I dipped into the in-between where I communicated with the man in my dream who sent the text message. Whether he is a guide, a person, or both, I can’t say. We talked. My mind was going all over the place, questioning what this experience meant and wondering if there would be more. What I heard in response was, “Just let it happen”. Ha! Just like the song I wrote about here. 

A chorus of a song was going through my mind while I lay there floating in bliss. This is the part I recall:

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

The more you say, the less I know
wherever you stray, I follow
I’m begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans, that’s my man

When I finally got out of bed for the day, I had a slight pulling in the left side of my chest. It wasn’t painful but it was enough that I knew a block had been released, or was releasing. This isn’t really much of a surprise because I have been so emotional lately. I’m pretty sure I’ve been doing some heavy duty clearing work in my sleep. 
Another song was going through my head as I got out of bed. It repeated:

And I want you to unravel me (but I heard “Remember me”)
Come closer, come closer……

Becoming the Role Model

As a 6/2, the 6th line being my conscious personality, I go through three distinct phases in my life. I am quickly approaching the last phase which coincides with my Chiron return (around age 50). During this phase I am meant to step into my role as a Role Model. My incarnation cross is Left Angle Cross of Refinement. My profile type in combination with my incarnation cross is what ultimately defines my purpose on Earth.

I have been feeling a pull toward coming down from my rooftop observation point in life and rejoining the world. Prior to going up on the roof, my life was definitely more unstable in the sense that I felt directionless and alone. I went to school, got married and divorced and discovered my spiritual abilities all before my 28th year when I had my Saturn Return. By the time I met my current husband around the age of 30, I was very ready for a much more stable and comfortable position in life.

The idea of being “on the roof” leads one to believe that the 6th line has it easy, but my time there has been anything but. It continues to involve lots of trial-and-error! The main difference between my first phase and second was that I settled down and focused on family. I had a secure foundation on which to do that and so was able to really focus on myself and those things I wanted in life. As a result of my newfound security, I was able to devote time to learning/study, something Hermits excel at. I got a Master’s degree but also dove into learning about physical fitness, out-of-body travel and Kundalini. So, being “on the roof” for me was about delving deeper into myself without the dramas of the first phase of my life. Sure, there was uncertainty and questioning but I also had a great support system in place to assist me in transitioning when needed.

Lately I have been contemplating the question, “What does being role model mean for me?” Honestly, I am a bit concerned about it because I can’t really picture myself as a “role model”. Ha! So, I’ve been asking my guidance to help me to see what this role looks like for me. I am happy to be this role model, but I feel unprepared and doubt that others will embrace me as such.

My contemplation took me to considering my path up to this point, how my path seems to twist and turn as I am pulled along by others. Always pulled along by others. Interestingly, I recently read that my profile and incarnation cross specifically indicates I cannot and will not become the role model I am meant to be without the assistance of others. I have purposefully created this dilemma, I know, and I can’t help but laugh about it. Here I am, with high hermit tendencies, swearing I would be happiest living alone and far away from other people, only to find I can’t make any progress without their help!

I mentioned in another post the idea I just had about building a cabin on my mother’s property so I have a place to retreat to without interference from other’s energies. Well, this weekend I visited my mother and presented her with my idea. Turns out, the timing couldn’t be more perfect.

Some things had happened my mom hadn’t told me about. First, they got a home equity loan to work on the pond on the property and do other improvements. They had already moved dirt and put in a road to access the back 10 acres.

My mom also told me that my younger sister disowned her in February. They had a phone conversation and my mom mentioned she wasn’t a believer in Covid. Then my sister asked her if she was a Trump supporter. Well, my mom told her she was and my sister hung up on her. Not long after she blocked her on FB and did the same to our brother when he said he supported Trump. My mom has not been able to contact my sister since. My mom was in tears because she couldn’t believe my sister would be so petty and break ties over political views. I listened, held space for her and told her I wasn’t surprised. My sister has been moving toward total family disconnect for years. She was just waiting for an excuse to do so. I advised my mother to try to make decisions from a place of love. My mom said she is trying.

Later, my mom expressed how she feels creating a spiritual retreat out of her land is her life’s purpose. She said, “It’s all I think about. It keeps me awake at night.” I told her I would help her however I could. Honestly, while there with my mom I could see myself building and expanding on her dream. I told her it would have to be non-denominational, and she agreed that was okay. She wants me to manage it when it’s complete. She even told me I could build my cabin as a permanent residence. She is excited about the idea of creating a lodge with a reception and rooms for rent. Our visions matched and I couldn’t be more happy to hear this.

My husband is going to use AutoCad to create plans for the layout of the retreat space (cabins, lodge, RV hookups, camp sites). He is then going to help me create plans for the main lodge. I love creating house layouts, btw. I did the layout for the addition at our old house and have always enjoyed creating spaces.

Speaking of “creating spaces”, this is part of my incarnation cross. Ha! The Left Angle Cross of Refinement is all about creating spaces and believing everyone has the right to privacy and a space of their own. It’s about bringing alignment and refinement to a chaotic, disordered world.

After my visit with my mom the retreat idea has stayed with me. I thought of how cool it would be to manage a spiritual retreat and various ideas came to me. With the recent change to our financial situation, we can really do whatever we want. That is a wonderful place to be!

Modelo

On my morning walk I asked the Universe to show me if I am on the right path. I did this two days in a row. Both times I was provided with answers.

The first find was a single, unused cigarette in perfect condition laying on my path. The second find was an unopened bottle of Modelo beer. LOL

The first thing I thought upon finding the cigarette was “tobacco ceremony”. My second thought was “celebration”. A Google search revealed the symbolism, which is reaching adulthood or maturity.

The beer made me laugh because I thought, “Now I have a beer to drink while I smoke.” lol Of course, I have no intention to smoke or drink.

I didn’t think on it much after until I was cleaning dishes later that morning. I realized Modelo means “model”. In other words, “role model”. I became emotional because I was hit with recognition of the message all at once. It was an indicator that the Universe was acknowledging my question and confirming an answer will be provided. It said to me, “Follow your heart. You will Know.” And I felt that helping my mom with her retreat aligned with my purpose. I may not know how exactly, but I am open to whatever comes. It is very possible that part of my mom’s purpose is to create this space while also to helping me realize my path/purpose. Like I mentioned previously, my purpose cannot be realized without the help of others.

Along with the “model” message, the symbolism indicates that yes, this is a time of celebration and maturation. A path is starting to take shape.

I also felt a tinge of sadness. It is hard to describe why but it has to do with knowing that to help with this retreat puts me in a position to be resented by my sisters. I feel unable to do much about this and feel it is something that has to play out. My mom told me she is leaving her house and the retreat to me in her will and leaving the back 10 acres to my brother (a 2/4 Generator who wants to live there). If this remains in place when she passes, it will most definitely create major upset. I have resolved that if this happens, I will do whatever I can to appease my sisters and keep the peace but I won’t do anything to upset the energy/balance of a sacred space. I do hope my mom changes her will to allow give them more, but if she doesn’t I need to recognize the potential for some very heavy, negative energy.

There is another piece to this. My entire life I’ve said that my ideal living space would be a home near a pond in the country. The pond would be large and full of fish so that I could go fishing whenever I wanted. It is funny, but then this has always been what I think of when I think of my ideal space. I love to fish and would like nothing more than to own my own private fishing pond. My mom is working very hard to create a pond that will not lose water so that it can be stocked with fish. In our area, ponds that retain water are rare. You have to have a spring that runs year long. In order to create a functional pond, my mom is going to hire someone to line it and make sure it holds the water. Then she is going to equip it with a system to circulate and add water as needed. It will basically be like a swimming pool, but for fish. It is also massive, like a small lake. It will be everything I envisioned in my perfect space.

I am not expecting anything at this point. I will let the Universe show me what to do/where to go. I am also going to be patient.

Let Your Light Shine

Woke this morning in tears. Sleep has been good but with good sleep comes dreams and, in this case, counseling.

Dream: Earth is Hell

The dream began in a large, open space like a school cafeteria. There were tables where stations had been set up. I knew I was a teacher and attending a gathering of other teachers.

I remember working with a student. He was about 10 years old, African American and very troubled. All the students I worked with were troubled. There were other students in the group with him and I was giving them various tasks, most simple cleaning tasks. When I gave this boy a task he outright refused and walked away. I followed him and saw his anger at knowing I was not going to give up on him. I remember knowing I needed to approach him carefully, that any pressure would cause him to get confrontational. I knew he was capable of physically injuring me and would if provoked. So, I opted to be gentle and patient with him despite wanting to shake him vigorously in my impatience. He listened but I remember knowing he didn’t hear my words, so I focused on sending him love and acceptance. I somehow knew through the whole interaction that I was practicing and that I was meant to practice in this space. I also knew my human self would not be so patient. But the more I practiced, the more likely my human self would Remember.

Afterward, I went to a “station”. They were handing out slips of paper and other teachers were taking them. I remember seeing students across the room. I felt very tired. A coworker took a slip of paper, volunteering for some project. I remember not wanting to participate in any of them. She sat with for a bit, giving me a choice of 4 questions to answer. I selected the question about my “condition”. I told her I was disinterested in life and very sad. I remember worrying about telling her this. I thought, “I’m depressed. If they know I’m depressed they may fire me.”

The woman listened attentively and offered support saying, “We will help you.” She then pointed to a man across the room mentioning he had just separated and was available. I assumed she meant he was single and she was looking for a relationship. I suggested she talk to him and she smiled and gave an excuse. Looking back on this, I am not sure that was what she meant.

Then I was walking through the same space to a section that was set up as a gym, only the machines were none I recognized. I tried using a few but didn’t know how to operate them. I just ended up feeling foolish as I got tangled up in them. Some I recognized must be massage chairs, others I couldn’t figure out at all.

At one point I walked past some men sitting in a group using machines. I sat in the machine hoping to use it but had no idea how. One man asked me about something I was carrying on my back. I hadn’t noticed it. He told me, “That is something a coroner (preoccupied with death) uses” and pointed to a room I could see through a large viewing window. I thought, “Janitor’s closet” but he said “coroner”. He suggested I put it back and I began to look around but had no idea where to go. He said, “Here, let me take it for you.” He lifted the contraption off my shoulders, smiling. I thanked him and looked more closely at the thing he took off me. It looked like it had stirrups with cuffs and long chains. I wondered how it was used. Just like all the other things in this “gym” none made any sense to me.

I walked to a more isolated section and saw my husband sitting on the floor. I mentioned to him that they had saunas (he was looking to use one yesterday) and he just smiled and pulled me toward him. This is when I saw a tiny pair of grey toddler shoes. I said to him, “Look! These look just like the ones Elek use to wear.” I had a moment of nostalgia and then pulled away. I remember feeling his needy energy and not wanting to stay in it.

I ran into my mom and we walked around together looking at stuff in the gym. We approached a podium and there was a woman there who seemed like a host. On the podium was a small box that had something inside. When I opened it, I saw it was full of tobacco. I put it all back in and thought I should give it to my Mom’s husband who smokes.

There was another group of people sitting together in yet another machine. It had rounded edges with comfortable seats like inside a hot tub. In each seat was a person with a pencil. I recognized the game and said, “Look, their playing your game – Words with Friends! You should join them.” My mom joined them happily.

Nearby, a man was standing with a group of people. They were discussing purgatory. Someone asked me if I believed in hell. I said, “Earth is hell. I should know, I’ve talked to the dead all my life.” When I said this I felt a familiar feeling inside. It is like a part of me lights up. At the same time I feel like everyone around me is receptive to what I have to offer. All attention is on me. I realized then that I was speaking my Truth. I Remembered where I come from and the stark contrast between that place and the one I was now living (not in the dream) was upsetting. I became overwhelmed at all the darkness and despair. I could feel it seeping into my Being. It was so dark.

At this moment I felt someone put their hands on mine. When I looked up, a whole group of people were gathered close around me. They were sending me unconditional love and acceptance. They recognized and truly saw me.

The last thing I saw was the woman who had put her hands on mine. The way I experienced it, I must have been on my knees because they were all standing over me so closely they formed a dome over my head. The woman was familiar.

Let Your Light Shine

I woke up in tears and lay in bed sobbing for some time.

I knew the woman whose face I had just seen in my dream. I don’t know why I didn’t recognize her in the dream. It was so obvious who she was. It was the woman whose job I now have. The woman who had died of cancer, who I had watched slowly deteriorate and lose connection with this reality. She always loved me and believed in me. She was so gracious, calm and patient in life yet she was very much like me. We got along wonderfully and she would confide in me things she would not normally tell people. She always told people how much she loved me, though she never told me this. It seemed pre-destined how our meeting and departure happened.

But it was not grief that woke me. It was Knowing that I had fallen into the darkness and was being lifted out. As I woke the group from the dream communicated with me, telling me that I was never alone and to return to that feeling of love and acceptance anytime I felt overwhelmed by this place. They reminded me that my normal state of Being was one of openness, acceptance and love.

The tears came freely when I was told this because I Knew it was correct. And in that moment I could feel so much! All the energy and emotions of the Earth, the Collective on Earth. I didn’t know what to do with it all. How does one manage? It is too much! I can’t help everyone, but that is all I want to do. I want it all to go away, to stop, to make it all better.

I instantly recognized that I had been protecting myself from the overwhelming state of this place by shutting down but it was not working anymore. My purpose is to feel deeply all of it. They assured me that if I took refuge in Them, that I could and would succeed.

Eventually the tears stopped but I couldn’t sleep. My guidance continued to talk to me. Instances in my life flashed in my memory. They told me, “Let your Light shine”. With it came a memory from when I first started teaching. The schizophrenic student I had. I’d been called to a special meeting to discuss him. I was told by another teacher there, “You are the only one of his teachers we could invite.” When I asked why, they told me that his illness manifests as him seeing everyone as evil and dark. He would not listen to anyone who he perceived to be this way. His mother told them that he described me as an angel, one of the only ones that wasn’t dark/evil. My memory of that time is a picture. In the picture I see a Light Being whenever I think of his description of me. I am also overcome with such grief at the memory because, in the meeting, they said to the student, “Look Chris. Your teacher is here.” He looked at me without any expression, but he did look. After that meeting I broke down in tears in my car.

That student never returned to school. He was institutionalized.

I was also reminded of a question I had asked before sleep.

My husband and I had a disagreement before bed. So, I went to bed wondering what was wrong with me. Why did I feel the way I did and react the way I did all the time? Surely I must be a control freak?

Then I was reminded of something I had realized in March. It wasn’t that I was a control freak. It was that I wanted to help. All of it came from that place within me that wishes only to be of service. Yet it feels like no one, not even my husband, wants my help.

March 29: Practicing my Design

Loud noises in my house me woke me up. I heard the distinctive sounds of weights hitting the floor and knew my husband was working out. When I got out of bed and saw my husband he was doing squats. I immediately saw he had incorrect form and was trying to lift too much weight but I didn’t say anything. In the past, when I’ve attempted to help him by showing him correct form, he has gotten very irritated with me. I knew that saying something to him would likely create the same response from him and so kept silent. It was at this point that I my strategy came to mind. I need to “wait for an invitation” before giving advice or helping, but I knew he would never ask. I thought to myself, “But he might hurt himself using that much weight and incorrect form.” 

I went downstairs, walking right past him and fighting the urge to offer assistance without an invitation which is what I normally do. I remembered reading that if an invitation is not given and the Projector feels they just absolutely need to inform that the Projector can ask the person if it is okay for them to help. 

When I came back upstairs my husband was finished with his workout. When he walked by me I asked him if he would be okay if I offered him some advice on his form. He immediately began to talk about how he thought I might comment on this or that and I let him because he was right, in the past I had just offered up my critique without him asking for or wanting it. This had led to him holding some resentment and he needed to express it. When he was finished I said, “Will you accept my help or not?” He laughed and said, “Yes.” I asked, “Do you really mean it?” And he agreed that he did.

When I showed him what I saw and provided him with the information I felt he needed so that he would not injure himself he began to laugh. The main thing I was showing him was that he was not pushing his hips/butt back as if sitting down which is the main motion of a squat. He was laughing because when he was younger his brother and father would laugh when he pushed his butt out because he has very well defined glute muscles. He said that ever since then he has been overly aware of his butt when he squats. I said, “You want to push your butt out. You have a beautiful butt!” lol Based upon his reaction my help was well received.

I was left feeling very proud of myself for handling the situation like I did. However, I felt somewhat sad at the same time. I am a CPT and have all this knowledge yet so few request my knowledge and I find myself offering it up without invitation all the time. This has led to so many negative responses. The most common is that people react as if I am a know-it-all and they are put off completely by this. They think I am judging them or trying to make them wrong somehow. This has been my life theme and it is utterly frustrating. I have taken numerous losses. I have several family members who desire to lose weight and get healthy yet none of them ever really persists when it comes to working out, eating healthy, etc. My SIL even invited me to work out with her and it went well but then she never extended another invitation. Instead, she hired her own trainer and attempted to lose weight that way without much success. I took her actions as an indication that something about me was off-putting to her. Maybe I gave her too much instruction before she wanted it? IDK but it has been the same with other family members and even one woman who seemed to want a running partner yet stood me up when the time came. So, my overall feeling is that it does me no good to try out a career as a personal trainer because, as a Projector, starting my own business like that will automatically fail without people extending an invitation for me to do it. Without the invitation I am dead in the water. 

The other day it occurred to me that one of my reactions to people rejecting me so frequently is that I offer up my advice anyway and just accept that they will respond poorly. I have even become confrontational at times, especially with family or people I know on a more personal basis. I figure if they aren’t open to hearing me that at least I will have said what they need to hear and at some level the information will be received. I would rather them receive it than not at all and have accepted that people will come to resent and even hate me. I think “Fuck it. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.” 

But lately there is a part of me asking, “How has this worked out for you?” And what I’ve found is that, yes, I get to say what the other person needs to hear, but in the end it has alienated me from people and left me even more isolated. At the very least it has created upset among family members and left this ridge of energy that never truly goes away. And as a result of this constant feeling of rejection, I have become less and less likely to accept invitations when they come. Invitations to gatherings especially. Honestly, I dislike most gatherings anyway so not going is usually my response. So, I avoid birthday party invitations from extended family members, trips or event invites from family members, even invitations for lunch or other very relaxed, one-on-one invitations with my husband or family. I’ve just lost interest in pretty much any social-type situation and most people have figured out I’m not interested, taking it personally. I usually hear from my husband when someone says something. I’ve heard that they think I don’t like them, which isn’t wrong but isn’t completely accurate. I don’t like sitting through the pretense, listening to random life stuff and discussing things that are of no interest to me. 

For me, I guess, my method of forcing my Knowing onto people is how my bitterness manifests itself. However, there is another, more successful method I have used. I become certified in some way and then put myself into a position/job where others come to me for information/advice. So the invitations are assumed or are part of my job description. I have been a teacher, counselor, healer, medium, and psychic. In all of these careers I have had wins. I have also had losses, but mostly wins in that I am able to share what I Know and it is well received. In the past, the areas where I feel my inner Being lighting up have been when teaching, giving readings and singing. 

In my HD profile the only channel I have is the 1-8: the channel of inspiration. This one is “to contribute or not”. And, not surprisingly, it involves groups. What is funny is that as a Projector, groups are not my thing, yet with this channel I am called to groups to share my Knowing. 1-8 channel: the 1 is about creating and the 8 is about groups. 

Our Shadow is Our Contribution

In HD the open centers in a chart represent the not-self which is also know as the shadow self. Since my guidance told me that my shadow self is being triggered in certain situations now, the term has stuck in my mind. 

Today, while researching more on HD and considering having an actual session with a HD professional, I came across how the open centers, also known as the shadow self, represent our contribution to the world. This was a shock to me. Really? All those parts of me that represent my not-self are how I contribute or make a mark on this world? Maybe I am getting it all wrong, though. Perhaps it is not the not-self so much as our learning about the not-self and choosing to be more flowing and free? So, technically, the shadow self is how we contribute most because through non-resistance and acceptance of these aspects of ourselves we can be a better version? The open centers are most definitely what we came into the world to learn. The open/Shadow Self is the curriculum we come into this life to learn. And being all but two of my centers are open/undefined, well I have quite the curriculum from which to help others! That means I can influence others through all of those areas. Compared to someone with only one undefined center, I am a rock star. 

Considerations

After this morning’s dream and realizations, I went downstairs. My husband immediately apologized and from there we talked. I told him my dream and some of the syncs that came up. One sync was that when I woke up I remember Knowing that I needed to just let other people be. Acceptance is key. This meme came up in my FB feed:

As a 6th line, my tendency is toward optimism, yet in life I am anything but. I recognized that when OOB or in the dreamstate I tend to be the best version of myself: Optimistic, happy, hopeful. I see in others their best attributes. I do not easily tend toward the negative. But the instant I come back into this body I feel heavy and sad. I see the world as hopeless and lost. I feel unable to do anything about it and have accepted nothing can be done. This is what I’ve learned while on the roof. I see it everywhere. This world feels like a lost cause to me.

What this morning’s dream experience showed me is that I have been trying to do it all on my own. The question posed to me many times about my methods is this: How is that working for you? Not well, not well at all.

The problem is more than just me trying to force what I Know on others. That is just a surface problem. The real source is the overwhelm. When I feel this place, I feel it all, and it is just too much. I felt it in the dream and it was too much. I’ve felt it in the past and I am left feeling small and powerless to change it. It – all the pain, sadness, grief, loss in this world – is just too BIG. Yet I am being advised to feel it. The way to manage it, They say, is to Remember. Remember the total love and acceptance of Home, of those who love me, of the Light.

Easier said than done. In the dreamstate this is so obvious. In this body and on this plane it is hard to find.

What I was left with was a visual and feeling of how I can be, and will be according to Them. Going with the flow and accepting. Somehow I will be the Light I am meant to be. I have to trust that it will be.

Is it Me? Or You?

The weekend before last I came down with a cold. I hadn’t been sick in over a year, so it was bound to happen. It started with a sore throat that lasted two days and then came the congestion, stopped up nose, and fatigue. My daughter was sick alongside me and my husband had had it a week before.

All of this coincided with the full moon and also I read that something was going on with Chiron (can’t remember exactly what). As a result of my cold and the energies I was not my best. I entered into a very negative place and I can get pretty negative, so it wasn’t fun for me or those I am closest to.

My thoughts centered around everything that was “wrong” with my life. I also had tons of self-doubt come to the surface along with memories of the past, specifically my heart connection and the devastation it caused as well as events that took place after. Many mornings I woke up wishing I would die and most nights I struggled to sleep.

Just this morning the energy has noticeably shifted. I feel much clearer and less negative. I also got a good, solid night’s sleep and my cold has finally run its full course.

Questions and Doubts

The main question that was plaguing me was, “Who am I?” I saw a pattern. In the past my guidance often seemed to lead me the “wrong way”. I felt betrayed. But then I also know that my guidance is just me, so anytime I was “mislead” it either was because of Ego interference or because I needed to learn a lesson (or both). So saying I can’t trust my guidance is the same as saying I can’t trust myself.

In attempting to answer the question “Who am I?” I began to look back at my life and those things I liked, preferences and such. I realized that most if not everything was borrowed from someone else. I would “try on” things that people I liked or loved enjoyed. In the end I would keep some but toss most. For example, my best friend in high schooled love acting and persuaded me to try it. I hated it but was good at it. The stage fright was the worst! After we parted ways I dropped acting and never did it again. I added to the list of “don’t likes”. Sadly, my “don’t like” list is much longer than my “like” list. Yet I keep borrowing things, over and over. I temporarily convince myself that I like something only to discover I never did and it was all wrong for me.

After a conversation with my husband about this, he said, “Doesn’t everyone do that?” I said, “No. Some people just know.” But really, do they?

I thought maybe it was related to my almost completely open/undefined HD. My husband is similar, so he probably borrowed lots from others, too. I wonder what it is like for those who are mostly defined? Do they just know? Does that mean they know themselves better than I do? The answer feels like it would be yes.

As a result of all my questioning, I keep being led back to my Human Design: Self-Projected Projector.

April 3rd

Here is what I wrote in my journal on April 3:

Yesterday, I watched an NDE account that really spoke to me. Well, my guidance/Team spoke to me but so did the woman in the video. 

What was so real to me about this account was her specific experiences with her “teacher”. Not only did he appear like I’ve seen my teachers/guides, but her descriptions, reactions, feelings – everything – resonated deeply with me. What was especially noteworthy was her return and integration. Though she didn’t call what she experienced a “walk-in” that is what came to my mind. She was still herself, just an upgraded version, one that was deeply in touch with her HS, spirit, and Home. She retained that connection when she returned to her body and was able to live life in both worlds, shifting from one to the other as needed. It took her 8 years but slowly she rearranged her life so that it matched her truth.

When I was listening my guidance would come through. Sometimes I could hear words, other times I just felt deeply a Knowing that the time was upon me to do what this woman had done. I knew that my integration process was nearly complete. I had reintegrated into the walk-out’s life (former self), learning, observing, being that version despite many things feeling not quite right. I had made some significant changes along the way, but not all of them. Attachment had left one major decision hanging. I have fear of letting the people I love down, of being myself rather than who they wanted me to be. This is the exact message the woman in the video leaves the audience with in the end. She says that people are not really afraid of death, they are afraid of life and of living their truth – living authentically. This is because, in living our truth, we disappoint or let down those we love most. We don’t want to hurt them and so set aside what is best for ourselves to make them happy, to keep those we love comfortable. But in doing so we abandon and even lose ourselves along the way.

What she said deeply resonated with me to the point that I was left somewhat in awe. I Remembered and with that I recognized how this experience I have chosen, this life in this body, is a gift, one that I have been wasting because I don’t want to disappoint or upset those I love most.

Afterward, I went on long walk and had communication come through from my Team. It was subtle at first, like a whisper and feelings that bubbled to the surface of my consciousness. Ultimately, I noticed and some of what I was absorbing translated into words. I remember feeling this amazing feeling of being powerful and supported. It felt like the world is my oyster. I looked around me at the sky and world and thought how beautiful this world is and how many possibilities exist for me in it. I recognized that I feared creating what I wanted in this world because I worried it would be wrong, hurt someone or worse. My past experiences left me feeling I had hurt others and not been my best self. One of the things the woman in the video said is that she no longer judges herself. She becomes the observer (something I have been taught how to do) and so is able to move through life quite smoothly. 

The day continued and most of this realization was put aside as I went through the motions of life. As night approached I could not sleep. 

When I woke the next morning I was thinking of some things I had read in some posts in a FB group about my HD type – self-projected Projector (SPP). Not only did the creator of HD indicate that Projectors were not meant to be parents (but we can) but also that long-term relationships were not necessarily good for a Projector. My type specifically can end up feeling trapped and unable to free themselves from a relationship. Other SPP’s have indicated that they have similar patterns to myself when in a committed relationship. Here is an example:

I’ve realized today that in all my romantic relationships, I always feel the need to focus 100% on the connection. I do really love to guide people, with friendships I can keep a distance, but whenever I have a genuine deep connection that can evolve to a romantic relationship, that becomes my main focus in life. All my other goals go out of the window .I’ve thought for a long time I’m anxiously attached or codependent, but after focusing 100% on myself for more than a year and feeling absolutely blessed and being convinced I only need a relationship with myself, I don’t think that’s it.

Even more so, I get to see the relationship as my life’s work, a project that could bring me life lessons. And I stop directing energy to myself. It a OR me OR them situation. I can’t see it as a part of my life, it’s all or nothing.
Could this be a Projector-thing? Does anyone recognize themselves in this?

When I read this post I was thinking, “That is me!” In both my marriages this has been the case. And the comments in the group indicate that I am not alone! There were some who had navigated successful marriages but most indicated they did better alone or in long-distance relationships where they had separate residences. The married ones said they only did well because their partner actively worked on themselves. Another who was married was contemplating divorce but indicated that love was not the issue. 

So, it feels to me like the only way I am going to get any clarity on my life is to get away from the relationship I am in. I need to be apart from him, to return to living for myself so that I can get back in touch with myself.

Projectors Need Their Space

I have since been focusing on how I can create in my life more space for myself. I need a place apart from my family, one where I can be immersed in nature. A space where I am not overly influenced by my husband or children’s wants/needs all the time. I think if I can create a space like this for myself that I can in turn re-discover myself.

I spoke to my husband about my realization and he is supportive and wants to help me create this space. He would stay in our home with the kids and I would be in my space for as long or as little as I need. It could end up permanent and he accepts this as a possibility.

We are just in the brainstorming stage for the time being. The most obvious place to start is my family’s land in the country, the same land where our old house sits and where other family members, including my mom, now reside. There is a total of 47 acres so there is plenty of room! My mom is in the process of creating a spiritual retreat on this land. I have an idea of maybe building a cabin on this retreat land as a contribution to her vision. It would be like a donation to the space, so my husband and I would own “stock” in it. Though I haven’t presented the idea to her just yet, I think she will be open to it. Why wouldn’t she? A free cabin. They (my mom and step-dad) want to build cabins on it anyway. I could live there when I want, get my space and be in nature.

This may or may not pan out and that is okay.

To make it clear, my idea is not to shrug off all my responsibilities. The idea is to get enough space and time alone to get to a place where I can feel into myself and what I want without interference from others. With my tendency to take on others’ wants/desires/goals and put aside my own wants/desires/goals, I feel I need to do this. I don’t know how long it will take.

Is It Me? Or is it You?

The last main consideration I’ve had is in regards to my telepathic ability. In HD, those with a completely open head center, like I have, are capable of telepathy and this is true for me. I’ve experienced it all my life but only recently did I experience true telepathy. True telepathy goes beyond just knowing what another is thinking, it is the ability to communicate in real time with another via thought and emotion. It also includes the ability to share experiences, not just in present time but past and future.

Not long ago I met someone online who I discovered I could telepathically communicate with. It was amazing and I honestly have never met anyone like him. The connection remains and we seem to be able to turn it on or off at will.

The issue I’ve been running into lately is that I have cut ties with this person, yet I still feel the connection. I don’t know if I can dissolve it as it feels to exist beyond just this plane of existence. This person is able to purposefully communicate with me and I receive it. The most recent time (prior to my cutting ties) I didn’t know he was doing this and I thought I was losing my mind until he confessed that he had been purposefully sending communications. Yikes!

Considering my thoughts and feelings lately, I suspect more of this kind of communicating is going on. At first it created all kinds of self-doubt. Maybe I was wrong to cut ties? Maybe I should reconnect? There were feelings coming up, memories, ideas. This would happen out of the blue and then all would go quiet.

This morning I feel more clarity and am convinced that most if not all of my self-doubt stems from this communication, communication that is most definitely deliberate. I have decided to pay more attention to where the thoughts/feelings originate.

I am still in a bit of shock to think that such types of communication are a reality for me. It is easy to forget or assume it is not real. But it is real. Considering I am working on finding myself, getting my own space in order to re-discover myself, the last thing I need is someone trying to influence me from afar! How do you get space from that!?