Perceptions of 2019

Happy New Year’s Eve – and New Year, too! How are you feeling about leaving 2018 behind and entering 2019? What goals, plans, ideas, and manifestations do you have for the coming year?

I feel very neutral about moving into a new year. 2018 was a good year for me overall. MUCH better than 2017! And actually, I often do not think of time in years these days. January 1st will likely feel like any other day, the only difference is that I will have to learn to write “2019” as the date.

I haven’t thought much about goals, plans, ideas and things I would like to manifest for the coming year. I’m not much of a goal-setter in general. I kinda go with the flow. Then, when what I want comes to me, I usually just do it/get it. It’s probably wise to at least write out some goals but I struggle with articulating exactly what I want. A dream board would probably be a good idea but I am not feeling very motivated toward that end right now.

It’s easier for me to count my blessings and smile at the gifts I have been given. So that is my main intention for this new year – to be more thankful and focus on the things in life that are right rather than always on the wrong. For example, this morning my youngest came and snuggled up to me in bed. I could feel his tiny fingers, toes, knees and elbows nudging me and it reminded me of when he was in my tummy doing the exact same thing. Awww! The love and gifts of a child! Nothing is more precious in this world. And to think my youngest will be 5 this year! Wow. So I am grateful he is still small enough to snuggle and curl up in my arms, and he is SO good at giving snuggles.

This morning my guidance asked me, “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” They have done this before and I wonder what the point of the whole exercise is considering I am nowhere near where I thought I would be 10 years ago. Never could I have foreseen the amazing transformations, twists and turns my life would take in that time period. The most I can hope for is that each of my children is healthy, happy, and successful, reaching their goals and working through problems, experiencing growth and change without succumbing to loss. I look forward to watching them transform into their independent, unique selves. Hopefully I am able to step back and let them fall despite wanting to save them all the time.

I have little consideration for myself for the next ten years. I suspect my spiritual acceleration will continue to ebb and flow along the way, teaching me lessons and acting like a companion book to this physical existence. My biggest hope is that I get my greatest desires fulfilled. I will leave the “how” of that to the Universe as I never seem to get it right when left to my own devices! lol My greatest desires are to feel at Home here on Earth, to connect with others at the Divine/heart level without destroying myself in the process, to love myself in this body and as this person, and to be in a Divine partnership where I can be truly vulnerable and open with another both energetically and physically. Some of these goals are likely to not come to fruition within the year but I can hope. 🙂

As you can see, I didn’t list out anything that I want from this physical universe. I honestly don’t have any specific desires other than to be given what I need. Maybe that is short-sighted but in this lifetime I have found the physical universe very generous.

Perceptions of 2019

My sense and impressions of this coming year are varied. If it were a weather forecast I would say, “Cloudy for the first few months with a chance of lightning (change) and howling winds (I wrote ‘wings’ initially instead of ‘winds’).” To me, this forecast represents a clearing of that which is unseen and has up to this point lay dormant deep in the subconscious. It is more universal clearing than individual, so don’t fixate on what surfaces or try to own it. Just let it go and breathe through it. The lightning here is energetic for those of us who can experience such things. And the winds bring information/Knowing that can no longer be avoided. It “howls” because it has been denied so long. Imagine a dog howling and lonely. The “wings” part feels like guidance to me. Ask for it when you need it.

As summer approaches the weather will turn “Sunny with prevailing winds and rains that bring about massive flooding with undercurrents of depression and shame.”  I see a shift in gears – many will experience 180° turns in areas of personal relationship and finance. Rather than being unexpected, these turns will be more premeditated, though the less aware will feel these changes forced upon them. It’s possible that some will even feel side-swiped. Also, by this time many souls will have departed the Earth plane to return again in new bodies in order to help with the ascension. In fact, this departure has already begun.

By Fall the weather will be “mild, eerily quiet and deceptively stagnant” compared to earlier in the year. In contrast, physical world weather will be ramping up. I would not be surprised if there were more natural disasters at this time. Overall, though, the undercurrent of spiritual change will be nearly invisible, but do not be deceived by the lack of activity. Much will be going on under the surface. For some of us, there will be “rising tides” that will be very obvious and we will need to ride them to fruition or be suffocated by them. I see “crimson skies” indicative of a sunrise or sunset, though I cannot tell which. Either way the vision points to the cycles of death and rebirth and the life giving warmth of the sun. A message comes through as a reminder – “This too will pass”. Nothing is permanent, though it may seem to be.

Winter will be similar to Fall with a few “undercurrents of frigidness and deception prevalent.” There will be breaks of “rainbows and sunshine” between these darker periods, allowing us to recover and heal. I am sensing a world-scale event possible, but I am not allowed to see it clearly at this time.

It looks like 2019 is going to be quite a year! It feels like a turning point in a way. A “final step” with 2020 being the “year of the seer” (2020 vision – seer – see-er).

Happy New Year!

Contact and OBEs

Interesting night last night. It began when I awoke around midnight to thoughts that made no sense initially and seemed out of place. The first thought I had upon waking was something like, “Maybe we are being invaded?” In my mind specific knowledge points were connecting all at once. Imagine points lighting up and lightening connecting them in a pattern of awareness if you can. With each knowledge point came a memory – a kind of “ah-ha” moment that lasted milliseconds and was followed with another, and another and so on. It concluded with a feeling of concern that was quickly replaced with calm.

All of the thoughts settled eventually and I was able to come to a sort of understanding of the realization I was having. I am not new to E.T.-type contact and long ago managed my fear of E.T.s by rationalizing that they were no different than us, they just take a different form. Plus, their communication with me was exactly the same as my guides – it was virtually impossible to tell the difference. Ultimately, I lost all fear and communication with them seemed to taper off until it was non-existent. The typical OBEs where I felt to be on a table surrounded by Beings with a bright spotlight on me stopped. The visitations by strange looking preying mantis-like Beings stopped. The interactions with bald, near featureless, grey or pale-faced, large-headed Beings stopped.

Yet for some reason in the middle of the night last night I woke up thinking Earth was in the midst of an invasion and it was happening right under our noses. Suddenly, what has happened to me – IS happening to me – was recognized as the method of invasion. Of course, this cause a mild stress response that quickly passed because, well, whatever is happening to me seems to be helping me, not hurting me.

Memory of everything I have experienced hit me all at once. First of all, I couldn’t believe that I had “forgotten” it all. Actually, I hadn’t, I had just swept it under the rug because my life took front stage. Something in dreamtime must have triggered my memory but I have no idea what I was dreaming about before I woke up.

What I am left with this morning is calm and certainty. Yes, in a sense Earth is being “invaded” but that terms leads one to think it a negative thing when in actuality it is very positive. I was long ago told that I was a Contactee. At the time I thought it meant I would encounter a space craft or E.T. here on Earth. That was not exactly accurate. They (the E.T.’s) travel by thought/consciousness – outside of time and space. Therefore, it would make complete sense that they would make first contact telepathically. But humans are so limited in that capacity that in order for contact to be initiated the E.T.s would have to prepare the Contactees for contact.

Rather than go into a detailed account of what I Remembered, which I am sure you would all like to hear (or maybe not), I will just say that the walk-in phenomena is very intricately involved in the Contact scenario as is Kundalini, ascension, and the whole spiritual movement we are currently experiencing here on Earth. There are those of us who purposefully came here – as transplants – to initiate the ascension “wave”. I was told the number of “transplants” (Walk-in’s, Starseeds, whatever you want to call us) is about 1.5 million worldwide at this time. This is a small amount when you consider the total of the world population is around 8 Billion people right now.

The method of entry is being called “transplant” because that is very much how the process works except it is a consciousness that is being transplanted into a human host body rather than some organ or physical body part.

For me, this whole realization is taking some time to digest because up until now, I thought every human on this planet was like me. I was shown/Remembered years ago how I entered this body and communicated with it in order to be accepted into and merge with it. It is now beginning to hit home that perhaps this was MY transplant experience and not the typical human experience here on Earth. But then, I may be mistaken, which would not be the first time. It would be nice, however, to meet someone who remembers entering into the human body while it was still in the mother’s womb like I do. Thus far, I have not met anyone with memory of that, though.

Once I came into this body I was aware for a short time and then went to “sleep” for lack of a better word for almost two decades. When I awakened it was instant. There was no gradual stepping into. I seemed to acquire my abilities overnight. I meditated and it initiated awakening immediately. Snap! Is this how all “transplants” work? IDK. Likely there are different scenarios depending on their chosen path but ultimately the similarity would be a sudden awakening when previous to that there was “normalcy”. Some, I have heard, come into the body and never go to “sleep” like I did. I have only met one such person (online).

Anyway, I am still putting the pieces together but all-in-all I am feeling pretty fine and balanced despite the influx of memory. The end result for us transplants is that we come into our full “power” and then get to work helping to raise the consciousness of the planet so that Earth ascends to the point where human consciousness is elevated enough to communication with other worldly Beings without initiating panic and fear.

Now, for the OBEs……

Dream: Choice

I returned to sleep quite easily and drifted into a dream where I was with a group inside a nice house. I knew the members of this group and the owner of the house, though they looked different than I know them to look in physicality.

There was much interaction with the people in this place but most is lost to me now. I remember a tall man and a shorter, dark haired female. At one point the man, who I think was bald, was talking about his age and how old he was. I looked at him and said, “How old are you? You don’t look very old.” He sighed and said, “42.” I laughed and said, “I’m 42. Born in 76′, right?” Before he could answer I felt a shift in energy and knew time was not a factor in this place. It was as if I had broken a rule, but that is not the right term. It was more that I was not to mention specific timelines because it was likely that I was not on the same one as the others in the room. An analogy that comes to mind is the show Travelers where they had “protocols” and could not reveal their missions to other travelers.

There was a scene in the dream where we were making our own cereal. Parts of the cereal were laid out in sections and then put together to create the final product. There was corn in the cereal. I could see the kernels. I suggested we remove the corn because it would not taste good.

In another scene we were being told the house would be undergoing renovations.

Throughout the dream, I was hearing a female voice in my mind like a whisper as I interacted with the people in this group. She was asking me how I felt and if I would like to stay. At one point I felt her put her hand on my back right between my shoulder blades and a warmth spread across my back and into my chest. I fell into the feeling, opening to it and breathing a sigh of relief. I knew I wanted to stay. This place was safe. The people trustworthy. The space healing and revitalizing.

I saw options listed in my mind. The option to stay was checked and I was asked again if I wanted to stay. I did, truly, but a part of me rejected it because she did not believe it was possible that a place so wonderful, so loving and healing, could exist. If it did, I surely was not worthy of it. It felt that I was better suited to problems and conflict.

I woke up then, knowing I had rejected the space because I felt underserving of it. Additionally, I could not fathom such a reality existed. It felt unreal to me.



I returned to sleep and to the house. I was sitting at the kitchen counter. A woman was talking about doing something deceptive, taking the insides of a toy dragon I think. I was then offered the toy dragon. I saw it was see-through and inside were tiny, colored objects. I told the woman, “You can have the tiny pieces since I know you just said you intended to take them anyway.”  The woman looked shocked.

Then I heard someone call my name. I turned toward the sound and the scene shifted. I gained lucidity all at once and had full perceptions.

Though I could not see the woman, I could hear her voice. I somehow knew she was there to help; to offer healing in a way only a woman could. My vision was limited to that of my mind at the time so I could not see her, only shadows of movement. She asked me if I wanted her to come to me. I replied that I did and lay down on a blanket on the floor face up. There I waited for her.

She then suggested we take a certain position. I think she said, “T”, but I don’t remember her exact words now. When she said this I could feel her approach me and my vision turned on suddenly. Her body felt heavy as she positioned herself over me. My vision turned on and off but I could feel everything very physically.

The next thing I remember is my vision turning on vividly. What I saw shocked me. In my face was this woman’s genital region and I could see every detail of it. Suddenly feeling very inexperienced and nervous, I asked her, “What am I suppose to do?” She said, “Pretend that I’m you.”

I took in the scene, allowing myself to feel all the feelings that came to me. I was not disgusted but I was not attracted to what I was seeing either despite the visuals being VERY detailed and perceptions at full capacity. I began to touch the woman’s leg and kiss her there but hesitated because I began to think it would likely smell. The idea of it held me back and then I pushed the thought away but not before I smelled a familiar smell. It was not a female smell but a musky masculine smell, one I had smelled before in this lifetime. It was not pleasant, as if the man had not cleaned himself well. It vanished quickly but caused me to shift out of the scene.

I felt myself return to my body laying in my bed. In the distance I saw the woman sitting at a computer, illuminated as if by spotlight. I could see her clearly. She had short cropped brown hair that was wavy and came to the nape of her neck – like a pixie cut. Curious and feeling an urge to go to her, I sat up and OOB without issue.

When I went up to her I said, “I didn’t know you worked for him.” I looked at the screen and then back at her. I could see her face in detail. She had a round face with a perfect nose, brown eyes and freckles lightly dusting her cheeks. Her brown hair was messy and hung perfectly around her face. I was fascinated by her.

I got very close to her and looked her in the eyes. She laughed as I grew closer and her entire face lit up. I remember seeing her mouth vividly as she laughed. I think I said, “You’re beautiful” but I’m not sure, I might have thought it. I touched her face lightly with my fingers and turned her toward me because she had looked away. I said to her, “I want to kiss you.”

Her reaction to this was to grab me and kiss me on the mouth. The momentum of her movement was enough to push me to the ground. She fell on top of me and kissed me deeply and passionately. I could feel every part of the kiss distinctly. It was so real! And surprisingly, I reacted as passionately to her kiss as I would to a man’s kiss, maybe more so! My response was to begin to take off her shirt. As it came over her head the intensity of the experience woke me.

When I woke I was laying on my right side, knees tucked close to my stomach. My root chakra was active and warm, expanding outward like a huge bubble. Disappointed to have awakened prematurely, I lingered for a while wondering about the experience. I recalled recently telling someone online that I needed a woman’s touch to heal the wounds causing the blockage in my second chakra. I have no doubt that this OBE was for healing. I was reminded of the feminine energy, how it is nurturing and gentle. In contrast, the masculine energy feels rigid and rough. The wounds I carry from lifetimes of abuse by the masculine require a gentle touch to open up to healing, otherwise they will remain closed to it.



Holiday Ego Resurgence

Sleeping very deeply and very tired in the evenings. This holiday season has wiped me out! After two different times at the dealership to get my MIL a new car (long story), I think the energy was just sucked out of me. Prior to that, having a meeting with my BIL and SIL to handle their dept also left me feeling this way. I feel prompted to help but at the same time strangely resentful of my own actions, like I am being forced to help and my Ego child is throwing an internal tantrum. This makes me a bit grumpy and withdrawn around others. But of course it would!

I’ve been noticing some physical responses to this stress (or maybe it is more than that?). From since Christmas day I have been sensitive to certain foods – coffee, sugar, and alcohol specifically. I feel “off” if I drink more than a cup of coffee. It is more than just jittery, it is like overly “open” or sensitive to others’ energy. Christmas day we went to extended family’s house for present opening. I had two cups that morning and by the time we arrived, the group, which was rather large, was overwhelming to me. I had to go into another room by myself to avoid it. I did this for half the morning until, finally, the last hour, I was able to join in a bit.

The day before Christmas we had a meeting with my BIL and SIL and the same kind of “off” feeling plagued me. This time I think it may have been stress related because I had not had too much coffee or any sugar. Agreeing to let them put their debt onto our zero interest credit cards eventually overwhelmed me. $40,000 of debt that is not mine yet now in my/our name is a lot to swallow. I do trust them but at the same time I know that if they choose to not pay their debt that it would be mine and there would be no way out of it. It is a big risk to take for anyone, much less me who would not consider doing such a thing for my own sister or family member (other than my mom).

The same kind of feeling plagued me both times at the car dealership. The first time not as much as the second. Agreeing to buy a car for my MIL, using my credit and name to finance a car I will never drive, a car that costs $20k (the first time $30k but was returned) caused me to have a near panic attack on the way home. Again, I put my name/credit at risk because if things go south then I am the one who is responsible in the end. Both my BIL’s intend to contribute to the payments but it is still a big burden to carry.

All this for my husband’s family. The first because I woke up Knowing I needed to help my BIL and SIL. The second because my MIL’s car situation was causing financial strain on the whole family, especially my own along with too many arguments, and one day I felt urged to do something about it. So I did.

A part of me knows all will be well but another is freaking out and angry that I am not getting to have what I want. This other part feels it very unfair, feels my MIL undeserving, and feels fear at the prospect of things going wrong. Yet what am I to do when I wake up KNOWING I am to help and feeling eager to do so? And how do I resist a sudden urge to resolve my MIL’s car situation that seemed to come out of nowhere and did not align with my previous decision to not help?

All of this is likely the result of a bit of Ego resurgence. It comes with all sorts of resentment and feeling denied the things I want out of this life. Mostly there is impatience at having to continually wait (or at least that is how it feels). I’m sure to others in my family I seem a walking contradiction right now. Heck, I feel that way!

My only guess as to what is happening is that I am following my HS/purpose as intended and my Ego is upset that this takes precedence over her own wants/desires. I had no intention of helping out the way I did yet both times I did so without thinking and followed through until the end. What does that mean? HS is in charge, which is exactly how it should be. BUT the grumpiness of my lower self is not how it should be. There should be understanding, acceptance and surrender and I think it is coming but some work will be needed to return to that balance. All is not lost. What has been accomplished on a spiritual level has not been in vain. Progression is a continual process. The Ego doesn’t vanish. It just needs to be handled as a small child would, but gently and without reacting harshly or punishing severely lest there be a full-out rebellion.

Duck Dream

I had lots of vivid dreams but most were forgotten upon waking. I’ve just been too tired to care or bother to try and remember. But one dream did persist in my memory.

The dream memory begins with me walking out the back of a house, presumably my mother’s, and seeing large pond shaped like a figure eight without the inner loops. When I saw that there were ducks in the pond I said, “Oh! There are ducks! Why didn’t you tell me there were ducks! I need to get my camera!” I went back inside to fetch my camera and returned to the back porch. Then I noticed a separated small, circular, raised tub full of water. In it seemed to be large pieces of an engine of some sort, maybe a pool sweeper as I could see tubing. The whole tub was swirling around like a whirlpool, white pieces of the machine surfacing and then re-submerging. Within all of it I could see a small Mallard duck struggling to get to the surface. I could see that it was still alive and when it surfaced it would gasp for air. I yelled out that there was a duck inside and began to pull out the pieces of machinery to try and get to the duck. As I did, the tub slowly stopped swirling and I was able to pull out the near dead duck.

Once out, I gave the duck to someone and went to fetch it some food. I got something that looked like a nut porridge and the duck eagerly ate it up. I was relieved and told the person it was a good sign that she wanted to live. I kept feeding her until there was no more food. They I offered her a glass of water but she avoided it. I knew it was because she had almost drowned.

Eventually the duck was fully healed and on her feet. Then the dream shifted as did the duck. The duck changed into a beautiful black woman with long black hair that hung in ringlets at her waist. We were all on the back porch of this house and somehow the porch became a portal into another time, the time of slavery. The woman walked through the door and entered into that time and suddenly became a house servant.

The dream went on from there but I cannot remember it now.

Duck’s represent the subconscious when they are swimming. I see them on the pond indicating balance but then the one is drowning, indicating lack of balance or being overwhelmed by something in my subconscious mind. Perhaps it is swirling emotion caused by some kind of dysfunction that is being brought to the surface (broken machinery). The whirlpool indicates there is a threat of being overtaken by the emotional turmoil, but the water is clear which is good. I bring the duck back to life and she shifts into a woman.

File:Ishtar-star-symbol-simplified.svg - Wikimedia Commons

12/26/18 – Ishtar and Tears

The other night I woke from a dream where I was kneeling. I touched a metal object to my tongue and removed it. I could see it clearly – a circular shape with vertical lines on either side but the rest is a blur. I said, “Ishtar” as I looked at the symbol. It woke me. Afterward I recalled saying both “Ashtar” and “Ishtar” so I don’t know which one is correct.

Last night I woke from a dream where I was telling someone about another woman. I said, “She won’t ever see her mother again.” I burst into tears and woke up feeling devastated. That’s the second dream in recent months where I have awakened in tears after saying something about missing my/a mother.

Then had a whole dream where I broke it off with my boyfriend but he wouldn’t let me go. I met with him and told him I was leaving. He said, “No. You’re going to kill me.” He took two knives out and put them in my hands and forcibly held them there. Then he pointed them toward himself and pulled me into him so that they pierced into his stomach region. He fell to the floor dying but not dead. Frightened, I got help from a guy and we threw him out a screened in window. I spent the rest of the dream trying to cover my tracks so I wouldn’t get caught.

I’ve been doing lots of yoga these days off. Tonight my third eye area has energy that is wrapping across my cheeks and down around my ears. I continue to have energy in my head and neck region on and off. It feels very healing and lulls me into sleep most nights.

Lately, I’ve been feeling the urge to leave social media, specifically Facebook and Instagram. I may or may not follow through. It feels like this new year needs to be a clean slate in certain areas; that I need to muster the courage to do away with some heavier connections that are literally dragging me down.


Merging Unveiled

I stumbled across this old post of mine from 2014. In it I relay how my guidance told me that 4 years from June, 2014 I would experience a “death”. Turns out, in June, 2018, I experienced a massive heart opening that came only after a significant personal transformative “event” earlier in the year (February I believe). By the end of the summer (August) I had so many profound experiences that even now I am still trying to digest them all.

I find it so amazing how my guidance warns me of these “guideposts” and I hit each and every one of them right on time. And just like my guide mentioned above, there was no way to understand until the experience taught me what I needed to know.

I must say that 2018 has been a VERY product year spiritually. 🙂

Merry Christmas to everyone!

Living Life in Between

A while ago now, my guide told me that he and I were in the process of “merging”. I never quite understood everything about merging, but I did recognize that it meant that he would no longer be viewed by me as separate from me. For some reason, the idea of merging was scary to me, especially the thought of losing my companion traveler who has always been by my side in this life.

Recently the subject of merging was brought up in my astral projectors FB group by a friend, Jurgen Ziewe, who is a well-known author of books on astral projection and higher consciousness. He is in the process of writing a book about his personal experience of merging with his Higher Self who he calls his “silent companion”. The discussion question that was asked was about spirit guides. Several individuals wanted more information on spirit guides. I…

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Thank goodness for sleep! Wow, was I tired! Even with my son having a sleepover with his cousin I was able to sleep (and that is a major accomplishment I tell ya!).

In the middle of the night I heard banging from the bathroom. I got up to find my youngest at the bathroom sink holding his toothbrush. I asked him, “What are you doing? It’s 3am, you need to go back to bed.” He pouted his lips and said, “Noooo! I forgot to brush my teeth!” Rather than fight him on it I took the toothbrush and told him, “Okay then, go to the bathroom first.” He didn’t argue and used the toilet as I put toothpaste on his brush. When he finished he walked right past me and back to bed. LOL He must have been sleepwalking. All my kids sleepwalk like their mother. 😉

My other son and his cousin fell asleep on the floor in front of the TV. I think they stayed up until midnight at least. This morning they are full of energy and making a mess of the house. Reminds me of my own sleepovers as a child. 🙂

Anyway, when I woke up this morning I was thinking of the masculine and how, in general, the masculine energy in human form is really struggling right now. It was/is very clear to me that it might take a long while still before the masculine is able to step into and own their power in the way it is intended. So much guilt, anger, resentment and inner conflict swirling around inside. Since I have had the honor and pleasure of experiencing a Divine connection with a man who owns and wields his power the way it is meant to be, the contrast between what is (for most men on this planet) and what will be is obvious – palpable even. And I am sad for the men who are struggling because, to me at least, the solution to their inner struggle is so obvious: stop fighting yourself, stop denying yourself, stop resisting yourself. The thing is, the very power the masculine holds has been twisted and misused for so long that many have come to fear their own power because of how destructive it can and has been. This fear causes them to push it down, to deny and in some cases to misuse it even more because that which we refuse to see – which we refuse to confront and take responsibility for – in actuality controls us even more. It’s a cycle that must stop and is perpetuated by fear. Avoidance and denial is not the way to redemption. Avoiding deep and meaningful relationships or suppressing desire (sexual or otherwise) is far too common as is continued misuse and abuse of power.

There is hope, though. There are men out there who are well on the path to successfully owning and stepping into their power.

Anyway, I don’t mean to focus on the masculine over the feminine and imply that somehow the feminine is more advanced (though I am a bit biased since I am a woman). It’s always so much easier to see with clarity the solution to a problem when it is someone else’s problem!

The feminine also must step into and own their power. An obstacle we face is healing deep wounds from lifetimes of abuse. This is my reality and process now but only this morning was I made aware of it.


Only snippets of last night’s dreams remain with me this morning.

In one dream I was comparing bare feet (foundation, understanding, stability) with my daughter. I noticed her feet were as big as mine and asked her to put her foot up next to mine for comparison. It was identical and I marveled at how quickly she had grown.

In another dream I went into a bedroom (private self) that I felt was my own. Inside it was dark and the color blue dominate. The covers of the bed were on the floor revealing only wrinkled blue sheets. I thought to myself, “Someone had sex in my bed.” For a moment it grossed me out to think of it. I went to make the bed and noticed something stuck between the bed and headboard. I pulled out a yellow baseball hat (covering up something)stuffed with a yellow shirt. I tossed it to the floor. I saw another similar hat but in another color also stuffed with clothing. After finding several of these hats, all of different colors (like the chakras) and tossing them on the floor I said allowed to someone, “Who put that there?”

I walked around the side of the bed because I saw something moving. It was a small cockroach (filth, dirty, something unwanted). I had a remote in my hand and attempted to squash it but the roach kept escaping. It ran toward the bed and hid inside a red folder lodged underneath. I made sure the squish the folder as much as I could and then opened it to find I had not killed the roach and it had gotten away. Thinking of it under my bed and likely to crawl on me at night creeped me out. I hate roaches!


When I woke this morning a guide was to my left very obvious and audible. He was smiling and sending a lighthearted amusement my way. His closeness, however, meant he wanted to talk.

My communication was that I was tired of pretending, tired of being exhausted by the pretense and wanting it all to stop. It is hard for me to understand why I would be allowed to experience all that I have yet not be given the go ahead to step into perpetuating that experience within this lifetime. The message continues to be, “Not yet” and my patience is growing thin.

His response was understanding and reminding me that We are One. He said it more than once in fact, as if I were missing something, which I probably was. I asked him what was going on, why was I having these odd feelings and experiences. His answer was, “We are debugging.” A flash of the cockroach came to mind and for a moment I smiled and laughed at the ingenuity in my guidance’s messages to me.

I felt more than heard instructions to settle into my core/center, which I did immediately and without hesitation. A warmth spread over me and suddenly all my concerns and impatience vanished and understanding returned. My process of healing is accelerating. A blockage in my second chakra has partially cleared and another layer/level is being accessed for clearing/healing. Similarly, the heart is unusually open/active as a counterbalance to the clearing process.

The word “diksha” or “deeksha” was also provided as an explanation of what is occurring.

Edit: I had to pause on writing this post to do something downstairs where I encountered a wounded roach (featured picture). Supports the debugging message and gives me hope that perhaps the “bugs” in my system/energy are well on their way to being worked out.


Shake Up

Though it has only been two days since my last post, it feels like a week has passed. Lots going on energetically! I will share the last couple of posts in my personal journal to give you an idea of what I have been experiencing.

Journal Entry – December 20, 2018

Yesterday and for a couple of days before I have been experiencing odd emotions and energy. I’m uncertain to what it is all related to. Mostly I have a feeling of “I can’t do this for much longer”. It feels like I am about to crack, or like something is going to break soon. It is like a pressure building and I sense it. Is it mine? The world’s? I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Sometimes, when I feel this emotion/energy I cry, other times I feel like I need to run but can’t. There is definitely a “pressure” with it. Yesterday, at work, is when it hit me. I thought about going to my husband and saying, “I can’t take it anymore” and just walking away from everything – out of the office and home I suppose. An internal voice reassured me and I calmed substantially and returned to “normal” but the memory remained.

I questioned the source of this feeling/energy and could not locate it. The fact that I greeted this morning with tears probably has something to do with it. 

Dream: Ice Cream for Breakfast

This dream began with me meeting with a woman whose specialty was a specific kind of Tantric massage. There was a lot of time spent adjusting my body and settling in. She explained that I needed to be receptive, to relax, and set me up with my head on something often used for babies. I recall her brushing my side with her fingers and feeling an electricity. Every time I got close to relaxing something would interrupt the process – either the wrong position or some nearby noise or person.

There was a family with a baby nearby having a picnic. Me and the woman were set up in a parking space (slow down, heal). She had put down a blanket and set up the entire area very nicely. The family’s car was beyond my feet (we were horizontal across two parking spots). As I lay down and was receiving the woman’s massage I turned my head and encountered the driver’s side mirror of a car. I looked up and behind me and saw the driver giving me an irritated look. So, I told the woman we needed to move and so we did and the driver pulled into the spot.

There was a commotion then from the driver and the family about the baby. I got upset and asked, “Why is everyone always worried about the baby?” Eventually the lady giving massage handed me keys and left. It felt abrupt, like too much was on my mind distracting me. The keys seemed to be mine and how they felt in my hand was memorable.

Then I was watching from above as I traveled along a highway (life path). I was talking to a man as if on the phone, telling him where I was going. As I drove/flew I came to an intersection and said, “I’m home. This was the faster route.” At the intersection I slowed. A familiar man was in the intersection directing traffic.Two individuals walked through, one right past my window. I drove straight through and the man smiled at me as I passed him.

I remember walking into a restaurant and seeing a young blonde man sitting at at table. I asked him if it was too early for lunch (it was around 9:30am) and he said it was. I had wanted to order a sandwich but was fine with breakfast. I sat down with him and asked for a menu. All that was on it were a few breakfast (new beginnings) selections and the rest was ice cream. As I waited for my fried egg (fertility, birth) and toast I saw the man was eating ice cream (good fortune). Three other men joined us, all eating ice cream. I mentioned it was not a healthy breakfast. The oldest of the men, whose appearance shifted from blonde to brown hair, said it had protein in it – double the amount. This man was attractive and I liked his energy. When the man left my husband took his seat and then the man had nowhere to sit.

I got up to leave through the front door. When I walked up to it, a large wooden door appeared that was locked with a latch. I unlatched it and walked in. Inside was a woman sitting at a table. The lights were dim but it felt warm inside, as if a fire were lighting it. The woman recognized me but I felt to be intruding since I unlocked the door to enter. She welcomed me and we went and sat down with another women.

The first woman (aspect of self) talked and talked about the healing she had just been through – how she was overwhelmed with all the anxiety she had taken on from the people she had been helping. I mentioned I had not gone to the healing. The woman talked and talked and even interrupted me when I tried to talk about my own experiences. She said, “I just want to be with my babies” and I saw dolls and doll clothes she would iron over and over until perfect. My advice was to focus on what made her happy. She agreed.

The woman left and the other woman and I were alone. She felt to be a friend I had not seen in a while. The other woman asked me how I was and opened her arms to hug me. I said, “I’m not doing well….” and burst into tears as I hugged her. I felt overwhelmed by life, feeling I could not pretend anymore. I woke up sobbing, pillow wet with tears.

December 21st

After the company Christmas party last night something odd happened. I was in bed attempting to sleep when I heard what sounded like a child crying hysterically. Thinking it might be one of my children or some other child who needed help, I flew out of bed and went to the window to see. I saw a blur of a person running down the sidewalk crying and screaming. Without thinking, I ran downstairs and outside, no shoes or glasses on. I yelled out to her, “Do you need help?” I asked a couple of times. The girl stopped and turned to me. She said something about her boyfriend through tears. I went up to her and she hugged me tight. She was young and well dressed with brown hair. I asked her what happened and she pointed to a car I had not seen. It was parked in the middle of the street, running, both doors open, with lights still on. She told me her boyfriend just stopped the car and jumped out and ran away. I told her it would be okay and that the first thing was to move the car. I asked if she was okay to drive and she said she was. So she got in the car and moved it out of the road and turned it off. Then she wanted to chase after him again, saying that she was worried about him being all alone and cold. I asked if he was drunk and on drugs and she said, “No he’s depressed.” I was able to get her to stay by her the car and not chase after him. She told me she was 21 and from a nearby town. She also told me her name but I forgot it.

Then we saw a man in the distance run across the road and then hide behind a tree. She yelled, “Jordan? Is that you?” I said to her, “I thought he ran that way?” She said, “I did, too. Maybe that’s not him.” I tried to get her to come into my house to calm down and she wouldn’t leave the car because he might come back. I asked her to wait by the car while and I went in to get my shoes. When I came back I saw the car driving away slowly.

It took me over two hours to go to sleep after that. I worried about her and worried I misread the situation. I kept thinking she would come back. I kept listening for her. I was upset with myself for not remembering her name. Just lots of “what if” type thoughts. But most of all, I could not understand my own actions completely. I did not for once think that I could be in harm. When I say I sprinted downstairs to help, I am not exaggerating. I ran as fast as I could and out the door and up to her. Barefoot. lol I also couldn’t see very well (no glasses on) yet I went right up to her and then hugged her back without restraint. In fact, when I think of how I felt, it felt like she was my own child even though she very obviously wasn’t. My only focus was on making sure she was okay. And when it was all over I was emotional and worried for her, as if she were my own daughter. It took me a while to shake the feeling. It felt very much like it does when I give a mediumship reading and connect with Spirit – the residual connection must be cut in order to properly recover.

I assume her boyfriend returned and she was relieved. And in the end I did exactly what I was suppose to do – console a frantic child and keep her safe. She was going to run after him, in the wrong direction, in the dark not knowing where she was. He obviously ran around the block and circled back to where he left his car. My best guess is that he was being dramatic to make a point. I was sad that she played right into his hands. I felt her innocence and naivety so completely and understood. And all the things I should have said but didn’t ran over and over through my mind. The urge to protect her and help her still is very real to me. When I go through my memory and see her and her energy, I think of how beautiful she is and how I hope she knows she is cherished.

The next morning I talked to my husband about what happened. I had awakened him when I came in to put on my shoes and asked him to help but he never came down because they drove away. My husband asked me, “Are you sure you weren’t dreaming?” And I did ask myself that because the whole thing was just so bizarre and unreal. In many ways it felt just like many of my lucid dreams and OBEs, the kind where I am working to rescue lost souls. 

Ultimately, I fell asleep by putting in earplugs to drown out the sounds from the street (I kept thinking I would hear her crying again) but I slept fitfully.

I had an experience not long after where I was laying on my side facing my night stand. I saw a man laying parallel to me and smiling, hand under his chin. He looked like he was playing around and teasing me. I still remember his face. Seeing him I questioned why he was there and how because he would have had to be floating to be where he was. I knew something was off and this peaked my lucidity. I “blinked” and he vanished. Not long after I woke up feeling energetically weird and knew I had been OOB but the experience had been so real that I was a bit shaken.

Note: When proof-reading this part of my post about the man laying there I got memory of the song from Aladdin, Friend Like Me, and memory of how in the movie the genie often was in a similar position – floating in air but laying down. Considering I got this message before, it is likely one of my guides being silly.


Then I woke up crying again from the only dream from the night that I remember. In it I was helping people but can’t recall specifically why or how. The end is the most memorable now. I was in a scene reminiscent of Star Wars standing on a white platform that stretched out as far as I could see. Two people were with me asking me to handle a man who looked similar to Luke Skywalker but he felt to be my father. I felt I had to do what they were asking or they would do it. Whatever I was doing was using something akin to “the Force” but the term wasn’t used, actually no words were. So I “pushed” him out of my dimension and into another one. I saw him vanish. I was emotional for doing it and cried. As I woke in tears I heard “One of” and then saw IX. I thought, “One of nine?”

It felt like I was saving the man somehow, that it was something that had to be done. Yet I was so sad to do it. 

Considerations – Shake Up

I have also had other energetic “things” going on in between all this and still do. My best guess is that my heart is really open right now. When I was doing yoga last night the online teacher said to listen to my body and let it tell me what areas needed special care. My heart came to mind.

Last night’s bizarre experience in THIS reality was really a shake up for me. In many ways I feel like I walked into another world, or maybe I somehow merged my two realities and so experienced something akin to walking between dimensions and maybe that is what the Star Wars dream was all about. I was fully awake and in my body. It DID happen. There is a young women out there who in that moment needed consoling and I rushed to provide it as if I had been programmed to do so. Not just as mother but for some other reason. Maybe a reason I will never know but she will, or maybe she won’t either.

Happy winter solstice.


Snapping Turtle Message

I had a weird experience last night. Not sure what to call it but it left me feeling unsettled.

What I recall now of the experience is quite muted because it happened early on in the night. There is mainly a feeling of dis-ease that goes with it. I recall feeling transplanted from one body to the other; as if this was a “normal” thing to experience. The energetics of it were unsettling and induced a low grade alarm reaction in me, but not enough to cause me to react or resist. There was a sense of shifting from one time to another. It was like I was jumping around taking a look at all the possible timelines. Along with all this was memory of all these other timelines as well as this current one. It was very difficult to process and thus left me feeling very disoriented, confused and alarmed.

When I woke up I was stunned and still trying to process what I had just experienced. Honestly, I felt completely insane and it was hard not to imagine myself having a psychotic break from it all. I thought for sure I would go into a disassociative state or that I may already in the midst of one which was why I was so confused.

Somehow, despite feeling crazy, I fell back to sleep. I recall being reminded to “surrender” and being I had just re-blogged one of my own posts on that exact topic, it made sense and I didn’t question it.

However, moments before falling asleep, I remembered all these other similar incidents that I had somehow forgotten! It was bizarre and a bit concerning that I had forgotten them, yet I knew I had chosen to do so probably in order to avoid the exact feelings I was having this time around. The previous experiences were very energetic as well, as if someone came and plucked me out of my body, put me in another body or something energetically altering, and then put me back. All the while I was conscious of the exchange but not resisting. Actually, I am not sure my resistance would do any good. It was more a sense of being frozen and unable to do anything except allow the experience. Yet all the experiences left me on high alert upon returning to this reality and thinking that I must be losing my mind.

It is not a fun feeling yet at the same time I am also not alarmed at all, as if it is all completely normal! I think perhaps I experienced it from two perspectives – the Ego (small self) and the Higher Self. Of course, the Higher Self wins out and is why the ultimate feeling that wins out is the “this happens all the time” consideration. It is such a calm, “I got this” kinda of feeling, too, and there is complete Trust and Knowing.

I know. Bizarre. What can I say? This is my life. lol

Any psychologist/psychiatrist would likely diagnose me with some kind of mental illness. Every time I have these experiences, especially the ones where I am most obviously experiencing as two aspects of one, the thought crosses my mind that I must be schizophrenic or at the least emotionally disturbed to the point of disassociation. I’ve been down that road before and found it a dead-end.

Prior to bed I had been feeling like my entire life was “wrong” again. I had a very strange feeling I cannot describe and was thinking, “I can’t go on like this for much longer.” Perhaps I was being recalibrated in my sleep to address this feeling?

Snapping Turtle

This morning I had a very unexpected in-depth discussion with my husband that ended rather abruptly. As with most of our discussions, tempers flared and voices were raised periodically.

After he left for work I went down to make breakfast for myself and my youngest son. When I went outside to toss some leftovers I noticed something in our creek.


I called my son outside to see the turtle and we watched him for a while. In the above picture he is eating a yellow pear that had fallen into the water. We have pear trees that still have fruit falling from them, so it was likely quite fresh and perfect eating.

Eventually, the turtle sensed us and swam away. The whole while we were both fascinated. We’ve lived here over 4 years and never seen a turtle, much less a snapping turtle!

Snapping Turtle symbolism and meaning:

Some journey has come to its final end.

Speak up for yourself, take a stand but be fair about it.

Communicate honestly; do not withhold anything.

Take your time and think before making decisions that cannot be undone.

It’s time to go your own way.


It is amazing to me how the Universe works, how it sends a messenger to answer the questions I had going through my mind just prior.


As I was editing this post a song came to mind – Fleetwood Mac’s (who is playing here in Austin in February) – Go Your Own Way.

Hahaha and if you click on the link above “Austin in February” you will see that this message repeats:

Going Their Own Way in 2018!


Dream: Up in Flames

Dream themes of fire and water continue in my dreams. Yesterday it was a flooding parking garage. The day before a kitchen stove kept bursting into flames. And this morning, more flames.

Dream: Up in Flames

This dream began inside my mother’s kitchen (nourishment, spiritual healing). My husband was with me and I had in my hands a box of macaroni (comfort and ease) and cheese. We were discussing what to eat and could not come to an agreement. So, box in hand, I said, “We’re having this” and I opened up the box by pulling the tab on the top.

I poured the contents of the box on the counter while saying, “Just making sure it doesn’t have any worms.” The contents were not the typical macaroni as one would expect. Instead, there were spaghetti-type noodles, or at least something resembling that, separated by tiny strips of white paper. I sorted through it and found no worms (degradation, negativity) and was surprised.

When it came to cooking the macaroni we went outside. I held the noodles in my hands and went to a fire (passing of old into new) mound just in front of the house. The noodles now took on the shape of strips of paper. Some of it was shredded letters (communication) and envelopes, while other pieces were of notebook paper (self-expression) in long strips.

There was discussion the entire time, but I can’t recall any of it. The feeling, though, was disagreement and a kind of unsettled feeling. It seemed that the strips of paper was the result of our conversation, as if I was shredding communication.

As we tended to the cooking “noodles” I saw another fire. When I went to check on it I noticed a blackberry bush with tiny berries (fulfilled relationship or experience) on it. I told my husband, “Did you see the berries? You should pick them before they are gone.” He went to pick them but asked me to turn on the lights since it was too dark to see (lack of awareness). I went to turn on the porch lights but they wouldn’t work. So, I went inside to search for an alternate light source. I found a lamp in my sister’s room, tried to disconnect it but the wires were tangled, and ultimately picked up another lamp and took it outside. The light bulb I found was not normal, though. When turned on, little lightning bolts of color would shoot through it (reminds me of the Kundalini). I opted for a regular bulb but when turned on it was not near enough to illuminate the area.

Then I heard a commotion and saw the pile my husband was at was out of control, flames spreading toward the house. I thought about the garden hose but the fire was in the way. My mom was suddenly there to try and help. I saw piles of brown leaves (pun on leaving but also fallen hopes and dreams) and dried grass catching fire and spreading quickly. I remember my mom saying, “What do you expect setting fire on dried out ground?”

Then the other pile was also spreading and I ran toward it. My husband had his shirt (personality shown to others) in his hands and was trying to beat out the fire. My mom was behind him carrying one of my sweatshirts to try and beat out the fire. I yelled at her about my shirt, not wanting her to use it, and she stopped. I looked at the pile and it was almost as high as the roof and also full of dry leaves and dirt. The fire had burned the center and was now spreading out along the edges. I knew nothing could be done about it.


This is the second dream of fire at my mom’s house. The other dream was back in July, right before the Kundalini came back with a vengeance. At the time, the dream was so vivid that I actually warned my mom, thinking it may be a premonition concerning her and current issues she had been experiencing. Turns out it wasn’t about my mom at all but about a fire being set within me (Kundalini). I suspect now that my mom’s home was symbolic of my own “home” or the sense of it anyway.

Whether this dream is similar, I can’t say yet. Time will reveal that I suppose.

My overall sense from this dream and other recent dreams is that upheaval is on the horizon. I have had enough dreams now of water to know that emotion will be involved. Thankfully, the emotion is symbolized by clear, calm water, which means it will not be turbulent or explosive at least. The fire can be cleansing and purifying, so perhaps it is all about healing and purging.

The most memorable parts of the dream were the torn envelopes and letters and the light bulb. The images of these things stand out in my memory. I was talking when I was holding the envelope in my hands but I don’t know what I was saying. The sense was that I may have been attempting to resolve the past in some way. The light bulb was amazing and beautiful but I knew it could not be used to shed light on the situation. In the dream I put it aside and used a regular bulb but it did not have enough light. This could be symbolic of the Higher Self (lightening bolt bulb) and the Ego or lower self (regular bulb).

The berries were somewhat vivid as well. I saw them as very tiny and nearly dried out, soon to be consumed by the fire. I was trying to get my husband to pick them but he never did. I suspect the berries represent the dwindling of our relationship in some way.

When I woke I was feeling avoidant. I was also feeling a bit sad because I recognized that I had to focus on my life now and handle some of the issues that continue to be swept under the rug. I don’t want to do this but there was resignation to the fact that I could not avoid it any longer.

There is a sense that the Kundalini wants me to be like the Phoenix – to completely burn away all of my old self and rise as my new self. From the beginning of her raging within me, I have felt an inner push to do “crazy” things. I have done some – like quit my job (twice), change my name, travel to meet others, etc – but I have not had the courage to completely rid myself of everything that no longer resonates.

I have felt guided to read through some of my old posts lately and one of the messages that came through was that if I do not do what I feel guided (or pushed) to do, that it will happen despite me. Ultimately, this means that I will be forced through life circumstances to take action one way or the other. That which no longer resonates will be eliminated.

The Kundalini is destructive as well as creative. She burns through everything inside and out. She is a purifying fire of death and rebirth. Change is inevitable and often very uncomfortable. The more she rises within me, the braver I become. When I surrender to her I am without fear. There is no concern for the process or the consequences, just pure acceptance. If these dreams are a premonition of what is to come, it could be that the Kundalini will initiate change in my life. At this point I have no fear of her return, in fact, I look forward to it.







Repost from April, 2018. I was led to return to old blog entries after reading another bloggers personal OBE account where she was shown a symbol that resembled a “T”. When I read this post, a specific line in it stood out to me as confirmation that the symbol she saw was purposeful: It seems that this ascension is coming to a “T”.

This post overall resonates as I read my own words, words that seem so alien to me in this present time. Have I changed so much that now my own words feel to be those of another? Or is it just that I am currently deeply enmeshed in physical reality experience that this other part of me has grown silent, observing the process and gaining insight throughout?

Would love to hear your thoughts on this post and the process of surrender.


Living Life in Between

I know I have not written much on my personal spiritual journey for a long while, other than to post an OBE or two. Spiritual experiences continue, but are unclear initially and need much processing. Plus, I am observing the impermanence of experience and waiting for information to process – to solidify – before I share it. This goes against the grain of my previous personality, I know. Rest assured, the part of me that wishes to blurt out everything I experience is still here but has learned to stand down and allow the process to unfold. There is much wisdom to be found in patient observation. Patient – also a word that I would normally not use to describe myself. 🙂

This morning when I woke I had clarity where there has been none for quite a few weeks. Mercury retrograde threw me into the mind more than the…

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Dream: I’m Leaving and I’m Not Coming Back

Some dreamwork from this morning that seems significant:

Dream: I’m Leaving and I’m Not Coming Back

The dream began with me walking through a hub bustling with people. As I walked I noticed a bus station on my left and lines of people buying their tickets. Ahead of me was a corridor and my destination.

Then I was sitting at a student desk inside a narrow classroom with a floor-to-ceiling window on my left. Out the window I could see the hub and people walking to and fro. Behind me was a line of desks each occupied by a student. In the corner was the teacher at her own desk.

The teacher got up and began to hand out completed assignments to the students. I saw her pass up mine, putting it at the back of the stack until it was the only one remaining. Then she put it down and returned to her desk. I asked her, “What about mine?” She responded that she was going to keep it and mentioned that it was “like my others”. I remember taking it as a rebuttal, as if the teacher did not expect much of me. I eyed my assignment. It looked like one of those workbook worksheets from high school.

Then it was quiet as all the students began to read quietly the next chapter as instructed by the teacher. I was at the front of the line of desks and could see all the students obedient and scholarly-like doing what they were told. The light in the room was very dim, too dim to read by, and I thought it unfair for the teacher to expect us to read in such poor circumstances. I remembering thinking how I did not even need to be in the class because I had already taken it and gotten my degree.

The teacher excused herself and exited the classroom. I turned toward my book and decided that I was not going to stay in a class I didn’t need. Besides, there was a feeling that this class was related to a religion I was not in agreement with. I got up, faced the other students, and said, “Tell her I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.” As I walked past I heard several students gasp in disbelief and saw at least one of them smile.

When I walked outside I was back in the bustling hub. I didn’t know where I parked and was confused. I was frantic as I had no idea even what my car looked like. I burst into tears, crying because I felt lost and confused. “What will I do now? Where will I go?” were some of my thoughts. A nice women came up to me and asked me if I needed help. She was very kind and reassuring, putting her hand on my shoulder. She pointed toward the bus station and told me my car would be just past it. Calmer now, I walked past the bus station noting the lines of people staring into space, tickets in hand. Everything seemed so monotone – gray, white and charcoal black.

When I found my car the road and parking garage slowly flooded with water. The car was floating as I climbed in and struggled to find my key and turn on the ignition. My car kept bumping into other parked cars and I worried I would dent them. There was a woman’s voice with me at this time continuing to reassure me. My car floated like a boat and was difficult to maneuver without the engine on. I was panicking and fumbling for my keys. Finally I found my key and put it in the ignition, turning it. The engine roared as it started. Suddenly there was no water and I was not floating but driving smoothly and exiting the garage and hub altogether.

I remember seeing my car at one point, as if I was purchasing it. It looked like a “boat” (the term my friends and I used to describe cars like the 1970 El Camino). It was gray with peeling paint and worn tires. I think I called it a Buick and said, “It’s gonna need new tires.” Despite not liking it all that much I remember accepting it as mine and thinking, “It will have to do.”

I must have driven home or to my destination because I was next in a room sitting in a chair. I saw an old friend of mine enter. I hadn’t seen her in years. I spoke to her, commenting on how she seemed and asking how she was doing. Her expression showed me that she was not doing well. She was exhausted, depressed and feeling to be spinning her wheels.

She sat down facing away from me and stared out a window. I could tell she was trying to ignore me. I remember encouraging her, telling her that I was certain she would make progress soon because she was such a hard worker. I knew she could hear me but was pretending she could not.

This particular friend recently cut all ties with me quite abruptly. I remember thinking in the dream about how she had tried to make me into the type of friend she wanted when she should have just respected the boundaries that were in place when we met. When we met, she came to me for readings. I suspect she thought it would be beneficial to her to have a psychic-medium for a friend. I think it backfired on her. Me, I always knew my place but allowed her to befriend me. I sensed the lesson in it for her, and maybe for me as well.


When I woke the part of the dream that was clearest to me was when I walked out of the classroom never to return. There was a realization in the dream that I was choosing to take the class over and over again, even when I didn’t need it. There was also a sense that I put up with teachers who did not respect me and had low expectations of me.

The decision in the dream seemed significant, though how specifically is not clear at this time. I have had dreams of being in school for a very long time now. Often I am in college taking a course I’ve taken and passed many times before. I always realize this in the dream but do not often do anything about it. Usually I just fail the class by not attending it. Sometimes I take the class over again anyway, happy that I already know the information and certain that I will pass with flying colors.

The next part that stands out about my dream is the feelings I had as I exited the classroom. I had no idea what to do, who I was or where I was going. All memory of how I got to there was gone. I was literally sobbing and hysterical in the dream, like completely freaking out to the point of a breakdown. It reminds me now of how I felt as a small child when I would lose my mom in the grocery store. lol

In considering this dream reaction, I think it has to do with confronting a similar situation in my life – one where I can choose to not repeat a lesson and step away from a repetitive cycle. If I make such a decision then I could potentially feel lost and confused. So perhaps the dream was me trying on how this decision might effect me? If so, then I was shown that I would be guided in the right direction and ultimately be OK.

The portion of the dream involving my friend could be a reflection of how my life might look if I do not choose to end the cycle. Or it also could be that I connected with this person and got a glimpse of her current circumstances. It felt like I was actually trying to communicate with her, so maybe it is more the latter than the former.

Ultimately, I can relate to the dream and the feelings in it. I have been considering making some changes but I hesitate because I cannot conceive of my life any other way than what it is like now. I struggle to know what to do. I feel confused and lost. Breaking cycles is difficult, especially if these cycles are all you have ever known. Who am I without these familiar circumstances? Honestly, I don’t even know.