Woke up sick this morning. 😦 So far it seems to be a head cold. The good news? My eyes are watering so much that I have no symptoms of dry eye. Ha!
Anyway, cool dreams between bouts of coughing and snot. One seems like a past life memory.
Dream-Reverse Discrimination
Woke up crying from a dream. In it, I had arrived to a running event and was waiting to be given a partner. At first, I was the only woman but then two black women showed up one after the other. When the first arrived she wouldn’t look at me or acknowledge I existed. She was a fast runner and I told to coach that I would try to keep up but eventually give up and walk. The second one was nicer but wanted to partner with the first one. I finally confronted the first one, asking her if she had an issue with me and to tell me. She wouldn’t look at or answer me. I told her I couldn’t fix what it was if I didn’t know what it was. She finally answered me when I asked what I’d done. She said, “I don’t know.” I finally realized it was that I was white and so said, “Is it because I’m blonde and blue eyed?” She didn’t answer and looked down. I said, “Sounds like reverse discrimination to me.” She got irritated but still looked away. The other girl was talking and questioned me about it. I told her that if I had a choice I would look just like her, that I thought black women were beautiful and I had always wished I looked like them. I gently took her face in my hands and told her she was beautiful, looking her deep in the eyes. I said this over and over, tears streaming down my face. Then I put my hand on her heart and said, “You have a big heart.” I was still crying as I was telling her this. She finally let down her guard and started crying then hugged me tight. We cried in each other’s arms. I woke up.
Note: In this life I’ve always found black women beautiful and had a deep sympathy for what they endure in life. In a recent past life (died in 1963) I was a black woman living in Louisiana who endured domestic violence but went on to become a nurse and live a long, productive life as a single mother. I was very religious and got my strength from the black community, women specifically, who supported one another through thick and thin.
Dream-Indentured
Later, I returned to a dream with the two black women. I was a white maid who had been acquired as a young girl (orphan) and was working out my indentured servitude. Mostly I recall how the two women and I were like sisters. I loved them dearly. I remember watching the master and mistress arrive home in their car (older model, like 1900’s) and they had their two daughter’s sitting in the front seat (it was like a carriage more than a car). Both were blonde like me. I mentioned how grown up they looked but we knew they were very young still. The oldest was trying to look like a grown woman but was only in her early teens. She had braided her hair and I remember touching mine and knowing I looked a wreck. I said I should’ve braided mine and one of my sisters laughed and made a joke about how I couldn’t braid. We all giggled. I got a glimpse of myself at that time and I was plain and light skinned, with hair frizzy but combed neatly.
As the dream ended I realized the girls were my daughters and I had birthed many children for the master, all resembling me except one, the son, who resembled him. The wife had no choice but to claim them. Weird! Was this a past life recall? IDK.
The last six weeks have been odd energy-wise and otherwise. Ever since I had Covid mid-July I’ve been dealing with odd, sciatica-like pain that migrates from one location in my hip/leg area to another and a lowered immune system. All last week I struggled to sleep, as did my oldest son, and we both came down with the same thing. So, I am currently getting over a nasty head cold (no not Covid), but at least now I am sleeping!
The major issue has been a pain in the butt (and leg). The pain started out as sacroiliac pain. Then it migrated to my right side and down my leg/ankle which lasted only a few days. Then the pain just went to above my knee. I had a friend do distance healing which got rid of the pain on the right side but then it migrated to the left side!
The pain is not severe, just super annoying. I can do all the things I need/want to do. In the mornings it is practically non-existent but by night time it is at its worst. I would say a 5 out of 10 with 10 being the worst pain ever. Usually I am just more careful with how I get up or sit down as that is the only time it hurts. Once I am in bed, it goes away and by morning it is gone except for a little tightness.
It definitely muscular. Thinking it is a tight piriformis putting pressure on the sciatic nerve. So, I have been doing frequent stretching and yoga.
All this happened right around my birthday. So I guess old age has finally found me. Sigh.
For the past week I’ve been asking for healing before bed. I’ve had some odd dreams, too! In one I was going down straw-like tunnels into rooms below ground. The first couple of tunnels were like water slides without water. I eventually came into a room where there was a birthday party celebration. I was offered hamburgers and hotdogs but I wanted to keep going. I was shown where I would need to go next. It was a similar tube “slide” but it went up for a bit and twisted around back down. I took one look and said, “I’m not doing that. I’ll just stay right here.” A voice said to me as I began to wake up, “All you have to do is let go of control.” I woke up thinking the tubes were the meridians of my energy body. One of them is a hum dinger and very scary! lol
So far, the healing has not been physical.
Below is what I got last night when I asked for healing.
Dream: Stop Running
I was walking and suddenly there appeared next to me a man. He put out his hand and I reached for it. I knew who it was. We walked together holding hands for a short distance and then he let go and began to run. I followed after, yelling at him to stop. I noticed he was struggling to breathe, taking huge gasps of air and losing strength for lack of oxygen. When I caught up to him I pushed on his back as I said, “Stop running and breathe. Take deep breaths, like this…” I demonstrated deep breathing, urging him to breathe with me.
He lurched upward and took off running again, throwing me off his back. I ran after him, urging him to stop and breathe. He slowed, tired. Eventually he collapsed to the ground. Again I asked him to breathe and demonstrated. He lay there, exhausted, and breathed with me.
As we breathed together I remember feeling his body relax. I was pressed up against him, hugging him from behind holding his hand. We talked about how he needed to stop running. I remember just laying with him for a long time, breathing in sync. Somehow I ended up under him. I only know this because when I let go of his hand and reached around him to hug him I could feel the sway of his back. I lifted up his shirt and slowly brushed his skin. It was warm and felt very real, not like a dream at all. I could feel him do the same to me. I could feel him breathing with me, relaxing, and could sense his exhaustion.
We lay together like this for a while, talking. I don’t recall what we talked about but I do remember crying.
Our conversation eventually morphed into a dream. One minute I was laying with him, the next I was in a dream about some contest. The winners had been announced with prize money awarded. I only recall that I walked around looking at various people I didn’t know as I talked with him. Then I heard him say, “I could use the money”. It felt like he was financially strapped. I woke up, eyes still wet from tears.
Dream: I’ll Fly Away
When I woke I was sad. I lingered in bed a while, thinking of how I should’ve or could’ve done things differently but knowing they happened just as they were meant to happen.
When I returned to sleep I was surrounded by my family. My grandmother (deceased) was there as well as others both living and long dead. I don’t remember what we did, only that, at the end of the dream, I went into my bathroom and began to brush my hair. I remember looking at myself and smiling as I brushed my hair. I looked like I do now but my hair was a bit darker and my face younger. I felt very peaceful.
As I brushed I sang a familiar gospel song:
Some glad morning when this life is o’er, I’ll fly away; To a home on God’s celestial shore, I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away).
I’ll fly away, Oh Glory I’ll fly away; (in the morning) When I die, Hallelujah, by and by, I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away).
I sang the song different than normal, putting my own spin on it. I woke up after I finished singing it, wondering what my grandmother would think of it.
In a past life, one where I died in 1963, this song was sung to me on my deathbed by my loving family. I flew away from this cold, harsh world, the voices of my loved ones lifting me up to heaven.
How are you all doing? Yesterday was a whammy, eh? I woke up really, really unhappy and grumpy yesterday. I just felt fed up and wanted OUT. I wrote a whole journal post, specifically asking why I couldn’t wake up excited about life. It is so rare for me to wake up and want to be here. In fact, if someone asked me my favorite time of day I would say, “None. It’s the night I look forward to – sleep.”
I think something shifted over night, though, and the energy is slightly lighter, though still heavy and thick compared to “normal” (what is that? lol). I slept really well and feel much more positive today.
My dreams from last night are mostly muddled in my memory but pieces remain and I woke with insight into reincarnation and how we prepare for life in these physical bodies.
What is most vivid is that I suddenly realized within the dream that I had died and was between lives. It was a lucid thought and though I didn’t take control of the dream, the dream became much more memorable afterward.
Dream: I’m Dead
I was walking with a friend, one of my early best friends in this lifetime. We had met up in the afterlife and were talking, catching up and discussing life trajectories, feeling accomplished and congratulating each other. For some reason, I paused. A weird sense of loss and overwhelm descended upon me. With this I realized and said aloud to myself, “I am dead.”
A sudden influx of Knowing hit me. It was all at once – a flood of images, conversations, decisions, interactions, emotions and awareness. All of it was hard to swallow initially and I felt empty and lost inside, as if I had been an amnesiac with memory suddenly fully restored. I thought to myself, “I need to be alone. I am going to take a walk.” In my mind, I saw a vast and beautiful landscape. Tall, green grass swayed gently in the breeze. Beyond the rolling hills of grass were majestic mountains. The sky was blue with dots of clouds. The feeling was peaceful and serene.
As soon as I began to go on this walk, I was joined by another (a guide I think) who took my hand. I was instantly diverted to a room instead of the field I had longed to walk through. The room reminded me of a science lab in a high school. I was led to the door of an office. There was a viewing window between the office and much larger lab. The key was in the door. I turned the key, unlocked the door, opened it and went inside. I took the key out of the door when I realized the key should not be left in the door. I remember telling my guide, “They shouldn’t leave the key in the door.” At the time I said this, “they” felt like the “other teachers” and the room I was entering felt like the “teacher’s lounge”. I remember holding the key in my hand. It was pretty big, the size of my palm, and silver.
I remember saying to this guide matter-of-factly, “I’m dead then,” and the response and Knowing was that what I had just lived was but one of many trajectories in a particular lifetime/timeline. I knew instantly that I would live each of those trajectories until I had learned what that lifetime/timeline had to teach me. My friend reminded me that I didn’t have to return as the same person but I could be any one of the characters of my life that I chose. He also reminded me that I could take as long as I wanted before returning. It was all up to me. No one was going to force me or pressure me to return before I was ready.
Contemplating all of this and recognizing it to be true (I had done it and remembered doing it) I told him, “I know but I like to return as the same one (me).” The feeling with the thought was that it was a strategy I used. I exhausted all potential outcomes before I shifted personas/characters.
It became very real to me that each lifetime, each decision and resulting timeline, was rehearsed and prepared for. There were few unexpected outcomes because each path was traveled repeatedly, each interaction and subsequent reaction drilled. I asked how frequently I surprised myself and was told, “It happens sometimes.”
I remember being interrupted by a short, bald man in a lab coat. He had beady eyes that peered out at me through round spectacles. He reached his hand toward my own and gently took the key from it then hurried away. I was standing in the classroom at this time and don’t remember exiting the office. I sensed from him that I should’ve left the key in the office door so that others might enter.
I awoke not long after the key was taken.
Considerations
When I awoke I was in awe of my dream, Knowing that what I had witnessed was truth. With this realization I understood there was no avoiding this lifetime nor the countless others I would “live”. Each scenario would play out, has played out, will play out. There is no avoiding any of them. And each player in the production is experienced via their individual lens, which was also my own. Every single player/actor/actress, their multiple roles, decisions, reactions, emotions, available to me, an open book of insight and revelation.
It is no wonder I felt like “taking a walk” and being alone when I Remembered. The most overwhelming Knowing was that all of the practiced scenarios occur at once (there is no time) and my dreams are but glimpses into them.
What is most peculiar is the feeling that who I am in this present life/scenario is very particular to this specific trajectory. The reactions, feelings, emotions – everything – that comprises me, unique and perfect down to my insecurities, fears and frailties. There are no mistakes. Everything is as it should be.
For the me in this body and life, all of the above is hard to swallow. Regardless of this Knowing, all that I experience is very real and solid, my perspective clear and tunnel-like, my visual field narrowed to only that which lies ahead. With memory of Knowing all perspectives, it creates a feeling of intense isolation and aloneness via this individualized perspective. It is no wonder I wish so badly to exit this life. I feel cut-off from myself and others, squished into this tiny body and mind, extremely limited.
While I sit with all of this Knowing and Memory, I am reminded of what I was told by my guide about it being my decision. I choose when to return. No one will pressure me. It is all up to me.
I wonder, “How did this life go when I practiced for it? Or, am I practicing it now?”
An odd theme is presenting itself lately. It seems like past relationships are returning to the present. Usually, this takes place in dreams but it has also seeped into physicality. For example, an ex from years ago has been communicating with me via email for a couple of weeks. I reached out to him first because I read an old email from my journals and wanted to tell him something about what I’d learned from that time. He seemed overjoyed to hear from me and has been emailing me, though intermittently. In the past his emails were very sporadic. He would wait weeks before responding to me and it was very agonizing for the me of almost 20 years ago. Now, I don’t have that issue at all, and his pauses don’t even phase me. I would love to talk like we use to but am feeling like taking my time with this unfolding. What will result, IDK and I don’t have any expectations otherwise.
Similarly, it was not long ago when my “twin” came to mind out of the blue and I felt like he would be contacting me. The reminders began as little hints from the environment like seeing his name here and there or hearing a song from that painful time. Then one night, not long ago, my guides warned me that soon I would be either contacted by him or something similar. It surprised me and then I told my guidance, “I don’t care. I don’t want to talk to him.”
Then this morning I woke up around 4am from a dream with him in it. When I went back to sleep I had another dream of him.
Dream: Black Mustang
This dream is hard to recall because the second dream overwrote it.
I remember being around my “twin” in the dream. Mostly, I observed him from a distance. When I recognized him it made an impact and I’m surprised I didn’t become lucid in the dream. I recall seeing another woman with him. She had blonde, almost white hair that came to her shoulders. I never saw her face as her back was to me.
The next thing I remember is discussing a departure flight time and being outside standing in the snow (frozen emotion) which was very crusty like it had melted and refrozen many times. Parts of it were in drifts so that when you stepped on the surface it would crack and you would fall through to your waist. There was mention of skiing but I don’t think a ski (getting through difficult times) trip was involved. My “twin” said his flight was at 8am and asked me when mine was. I told him, “Not until 1pm.”
After he left I was sitting alone feeling off and a bit confused. Old emotions were resurfacing and I felt like I had no one to talk to and that no one who could listen would understand. A woman who was concerned and felt motherly asked me what was wrong. I told her, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about him.” It was a bit of a relief to share this but it didn’t make me feel any better. I was reliving that time in my life. The mother figure said, “You should tell him how you feel.”
Thankfully, the memories of those emotions didn’t get strong enough to wake me. They were muted but there, especially the upset at not being able to stop thinking about him. It made me feel obsessed and I didn’t want to feel that way.
To my surprise, he returned for a visit. I was overjoyed to see him. He came to show me his Mustang convertible (desires, dreams and wishes). I remember it as both a white color and then a black color. It would shift between the two – the one from my memory (white) and the one he was actually driving (black). He invited me into the car and so I crawled into the back seat. I looked up at the roof which was unlike any convertible I’ve been inside. Only a foot wide sliver of the roof was open to the sky. I could see the underside of the roof. It was sparkling as if covered in glitter. I commented that it was like seeing the stars. Like the car, the color of the roof shifted between black and white.
I awoke from this dream feeling the muted emotions trying to break the surface. My response was to allow some to do so but then I said, “I’m not going to go there again” and stopped the tears. A guide was close and I spoke to her for a bit. I remember saying, “I still love him”, feeling sad and wishing this life would end. My guide asked me if I thought my wish to leave this life might be connected to my lives with him. I replied that it likely did, though I’ve felt that way since before I met him in this lifetime. I reflected on the past lives I’ve recalled with him and how I often ended up dead after he chose to turn his back on me, leave me, abandon me or ignore me. It felt like the pattern was on-going. The only difference in this life is I’m still alive.
Dream: Bridge of Cars
When I returned to sleep I entered another dream. This time I didn’t see my “twin” but instead was observing a rickety bridge (transition), one of those kind that is made of rope and wood planks. It was high in the air and swinging. On the bridge were several cars (lives of others) attempting to cross. They were stopped in the center because of the swinging of the bridge. I could see an off-shoot that was roped off, an exit or alternate route. It felt very precarious and it seemed like the cars wouldn’t make it.
The next thing I recall is seeing this Asian man crawling on the underside of the bridge towards the exit. He seemed unafraid as he navigated the moving bridge, crawling underneath it by grabbing onto the rotted and sometimes broken planking. I remember he purposefully didn’t look down. He slipped at one point, nearly falling, but didn’t let it phase him. He successfully climbed onto solid ground and then helped the cars pass through.
I remember talking to my guide while this dream was occurring. There is memory of my guides referring to my “twin” as “your cousin”. This made me pause as I contemplated what that might mean. It likely means we are very, very close soul family (first tier). Then I asked, “What should I do?” The response I got was, “He wants you to do the work.” This answer was given around the time I saw the man crawl up onto solid ground. I don’t know why, but I broke down sobbing and woke up.
Considerations
When I woke I was wondering about what I was told about doing “the work”. I don’t know exactly what it refers to. My own clearing work? If so, I have no idea what that entails. I thought back on that time in my life and reflected a bit on it. Perhaps I am being asked to finish what was started? If so, what does that entail? Am I suppose to contact him? Or am I just suppose to release those emotions and the past? Or are we meant to reconnect and finish this together? And then maybe “the work” just has to do with my purpose here.
It seemed to me like we’ve had many lifetimes where we meet briefly and then move on. I am always blown away by the love and connection. My guess is I become clingy or intense and this is scary to him and he withdraws. I remember thinking that our short encounters are purposeful. We meet to impact each other, to catalyze one another, and then go on our way.
I thought of the time we met in person for the first time. The desire to hug him and never let go was very strong. It was something I couldn’t control. The Kundalini was always threatening to explode upward and I struggled to push it down, but I succeeded. We both experienced an odd bubble of energy that night that kept us awake. At the time I didn’t know what it was, but I think I do now. That energy was our Higher Selves attempting to merge, to create that telepathic/energetic link. I don’t think I was resisting. I remember being in awe of the energy and not really minding that it kept me awake. It felt like I was three times my normal size! He told me that it bothered him, though, so I suspect he was resisting. Afterward he withdrew a little more every day until, ultimately, he disconnected.
I also recalled how my “twin’s” HS seemed to me. He was always playing around, teasing me and trying to get me to laugh. Our relationship in Spirit is very mischievous and playful. At other times we would just sit or walk together holding hands, our mind’s quiet and our hearts overflowing with love. The part of me that is playful is evident. He brings it out of me. In this lifetime (and others) we both tend to be overly serious, me more than him in this life. Our HS find this amusing and we often tease one another about it.
The bridge dream appears to be symbolic of the work my “twin” is doing (and me also). We act as bridges, helping others across; Wayshowers. It is clear to me that we did not come into this life to be together romantically and that part of my lesson is to be able to accept friendship with him despite wanting so much more. When I am able to accept the love I have for him without expectation, then the energy between us will flow smoothly and resistance will melt away.
Honestly, I don’t know how I can feel the kind of love I felt for him and not cling to it. I am able to easily stay disconnected from the sexual bliss/flow, but not the heart bliss/flow. The heart bliss makes me feel like I am Home – Whole – and since I have such Homesickness here, feeling Home is pretty much all I want to feel.
Past Forward
This time of year always seems to bring the past forward to the present for inspection. I suspect it’s astrological and I don’t mind it really, though sometimes it can be painful. It wasn’t long ago that I was reading through my old journals and focusing on past relationships, some romantic and some just friendly. I noticed how my memories of those people and times do not match what I wrote in my journal! So much I forgot and so much I changed – why? I think perhaps we all tweak our stories over time, focusing on the lessons and so losing or altering the “facts”. And maybe altering memories is a kind of coping mechanism, too, to help us feel less “wrong” or put a Band-Aid on the hurt. I most definitely covered up some things. I’m grateful to my journal for showing me the truth. I most definitely wrote details down, even copying and pasting full email conversations! So there’s no denying what that truth was – is.
As for my “twin” experience, I think there is still some healing to do, some love to allow and some forgiveness to give (of myself and him). The less I judge myself and others, the easier it gets to accept the lessons of the past and integrate them into the Now. One thing is for certain, the love never dies no matter how many Band-aids and story edits.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, 2020 has been a tough year. Not only has it been tumultuous on the outside (Covid, politics and other world events) but my personal Universe has been quite “bumpy”. Besides all the drama of the near-death of my sister, I’ve also been dealing with personal issues relating specifically to my marriage. Fights are not uncommon and one fight in particular brought up a subject that I want to talk about in this post: Karma.
December 7th
A typical argument ensued. My husband blew up, stormed out and then later returned, calmer, and we actually communicated for a while. The question had come up regarding why he and I are still together which led to him finally “inviting me” to share my truth (as a Self-Projected Projector this is key for me to feel heard and work my magic).
I shared with him a dream I had a while ago where I recalled a past life from around the 1400-1500s. In this dream, my husband was my fiancé. In that lifetime he was a very well-off, rich, noble born man. He was tall, well groomed, blonde and very egotistical. I was petite, beautiful but in a plain way, and from a lower status family. Our marriage was pre-arranged and I did as I was told.
In the end, I broke off our engagement (meaning I lost the support of my family), choosing instead a poorly man who was crippled and likely to die in a year. I loved this other man with all my heart, though, and gave up a life of riches and wanting for nothing to be with a someone who could give me absolutely nothing. My husband’s past self could not handle the rejection. No woman had ever rejected him! In fact, women flocked to him. He was spoiled and entitled and full of himself. His only interest in me was in the pursuit and possession of me. Had I married him he would not have stayed faithful and though I would have wanted for nothing I would not have had love or the freedom to be myself.
After that, all I remember was that the man I married did die within a short time after I made my choice to be with him. What I recall of him is that he had to walk with a cane because his legs were malformed; twisted as if he had some kind of nerve disorder from an accident or perhaps genetics. He had a brilliant mind, though.
More questions and discussion led to an invitation to explain karma. So, I explained what karma was and how it worked. Interestingly enough the explanation flowed out of me in an unexpected way (as will happen with Self-Projected Projectors like myself).
I saw how we as spiritual Beings view karma versus how we as humans see it. There is no “good” or “bad”. It is simply decisions and our tendencies to repeat decisions rather than learn from them when in a human body. When we return to Spirit we recall our human life much like a dream. Only parts stick out – the parts that contain high emotion or trauma mainly. Even still those things are not seen as important. They are like in our peripheral, just on the outskirts of our awareness until they build up and become hard to ignore, like pesky flies or mosquitoes that we ultimately have to put our attention on. Karma occurs when the repetitive choices become those “pesky flies”. To resolve this we must reverse the repetitive decisions so that balance returns.
My husband brought up how we forget when we come into the body. I said that we don’t forget but that the human body/biological Being and the Spiritual Being when merged do not speak the same “language”. The genetic memories and the Spiritual memories combine and become cellular memory but it is below the surface, in the human subconscious. The challenge then is to learn how to tap into these memories via increased awareness so that we then can make difference decisions and shift the pattern in order to create balance. Then those pesky flies disappear.
In my mind I saw all of this that I explained as if a Universe were around me. It was so clear but now, as I try to recall it, the clarity is lacking and my explanation falls short.
The important part is that my husband has been given the chance to have the life with me that was denied him in another lifetime. I am giving him that chance and also gaining a chance to experience a path I opted out of in the past (maybe several past lifetimes). My husband believes he killed me, or at least had me killed by “the butcher” (his words). I don’t remember this, so I can’t say whether it is true but he had certainty that it was what happened. I told him that what I perceived is that in that life he struggled with letting me go. He just couldn’t do it. So, in this lifetime, his must come to the point where he can do that – completely.
Sync
I wasn’t going to post about the above conversation initially, but a post on FB changed that. I don’t usually watch posted videos but this one caught my eye. As I watched, a question about “why do we incarnate” was answered.
At the 12 minute mark you will hear what made me decide to share my karma explanation today:
Jurgen explains that you/we don’t decide to reincarnate via our Ego-Self but make that decision via the “energy field of the totality of yourself”. From that vantage point we see all our aspects, everything that we are, and we choose to reincarnate in order to “level the playing field”. I explained to my husband that we sense imbalance and seek to create balance and that is what karma is. Period. It isn’t “good” or “bad”, it is just imbalance.
What I saw in my mind and tried to communicate to my husband was like a small universe – The universe that is me – with clusters of stars of “light”. It seemed that the overly bright clusters of stars/light were what caught my attention and as a result I would “zoom in” to see why. The more focused I was on a specific area the more “karma” it contained.
December 9th – Dream and Possible Past Life Memory
In this dream I was in the gym at a weight machine I have never seen. It was cables with large “S” hooks. I was using it for upper body, chest or shoulders. There was a man there who I was talking to. The man took a cable and hooked it up and then I lifted for a bit. We were talking throughout and he wanted to take me somewhere. It felt like he was interested in me for a relationship. I think he was a teacher and we were talking about what we had that in common.
Then I was in his car driving over very uneven terrain. The road had huge rocks and ledges of rocks. It was super bumpy but he drove it like he had no concern for the roughness of it or that it would damage his car. He also drove fast. I was holding on tight as he drove towards what looked like a cliff composed of large, flat, colored rocks. He went over it with only a large bump. No crash as it seemed would happen.
The man took me into a dilapidated house that was very long and narrow inside. The kitchen was the main part I recall as well as all the family members that were crowded inside. The appliances were out dated and the sink was not hooked up. His family were very uneducated and poorly in appearance. They reminded me of people from slums. I accepted them as they were, though. They noticed I was not like them.
The man told me that he still lived with his ex and their son. I saw her walking through the house. She was blonde but looked to be high on drugs. She looked awful. I was polite, though. The situation seemed to be that he felt obligated to help her. I also knew his job as a teacher was the only income they had.
Then the man took me to another area of the house, a living area. Inside were more family members of all ages. There was a little girl who I liked and was drawn to. The man began preparing something that looked like tortillas. I told the girl she was special to get homemade bread as most these days didn’t even know how to make it. I described my bread machine to her. She was fascinated.
The man was talking to a male family member who was lingering there. An older man. They spoke of the family assets and how they owned millions in property which they bought to house everyone in the family, young and old. They built a house for a grandparent to take care of them which turned out to be very expensive. I had no judgment at the time, just curiosity, but in considering it now I think it sad to spend so much on housing but not take care of any of it. It was also strange that all the family were so poorly and didn’t seem to care to bathe or take care of themselves.
Then I was with the man alone in a separate room. Near the back was an opening and I walked toward it. I stood at the opening which was like a wide open door and looked out at the swamp-like conditions outside. It would have been beautiful except that there was trash and litter, old cars, etc., dotting the landscape. It saddened me. Then the man turned and told me he was not interested in a long-term type relationship with me. It was odd that he would go to such effort to introduce me to his family but not want anything to do with me in that way. I didn’t get my feelings hurt, though. I got a sense that he had decided to stay with them regardless of how they brought him down. He did it out of duty. It felt that he didn’t want to complicate matters by bringing me into his mess.
I ended up going into a small office with an older man who was family to this young man – a great uncle or something (higher more wise aspect). It was strange that the office was connected to the house I had just been in. The office was also very cluttered. Floor to ceiling books (wisdom, information) and other items, but the clutter looked organized. It felt like the man was highly intelligent.
The man was professional looking, dressed in a sweater vest, shirt and tie. He had dark hair, wore glasses and reminded me of someone I know in this life. He offered me a seat but they all had white spots on them. He commented on how no one ever wanted to sit in them. I told him I understood why. So he pulled out a different chair that was hidden in the corner. The chair was covered in brown, furry fabric and swiveled. I sat in it. I knew he was a counselor and I was there for a session but I don’t recall ever having one, at least not a normal one. What I do remember is going back into the cluttered and dilapidated house with a sponge and wiping the layers of dust off of things in an attempt to clean up. As I cleaned I said that I couldn’t understand how no one ever took the time to clean. I was shocked that anyone would live in such a state permanently. I was happy to clean and had thoughts of thoroughly cleaning the entire house. I also thought of how I could cook them meals, meals they had never tried before.
Considerations
I believe this was a past life dream.
It felt like the family situation, generations all living together, symbolized many past lives or aspects. They lived together (all part of one) in the bayou and/or the Appalachians or deep South. So perhaps many lifetimes occurred in the same area? Or it could be a direct link to this lifetime and the importance of family.
At the beginning of the dream when I was talking to the man I was in a gym attempting to lift weights. This symbolism indicates that I was talking about a “weight” I am carrying. The man is carrying it, too, because he is also lifting weights in the gym. The gym is symbolic of self-improvement, so the man and I were there discussing how to improve ourselves. This is where I get the idea that it may relate to a past life, specifically because of the “S” hooks. This takes a more literal meaning to me as the person I know in this lifetime has “S” in his name and the “hook” here is how were are connected (hooked).
What is odd is that this past life feels like it was more his than mine. That maybe he thought about inviting me to participate but then chose to take a different path?
If this is true, that I was being shown a past life scenario, then it could be that there is an opportunity to resolve karma similar to the karma my husband and I are trying to resolve. The similarity being that both men did not get to be with me in those lives and now have the opportunity to try the path they rejected. My husband didn’t get to be with me because I refused him. Perhaps my friend didn’t get to be with me out of duty to his family and seeing the added complications being with me would create? If this is the case, I find it interesting that now the roles are reversed and I am the one with family obligations getting in the way.
Whatever the case, the dream and karma explanation came within days of each other, which is not a coincidence. I have been specifically asking for clarity on my life in general, so this kind of dreamwork is not unusual. I just wish I could make better sense of it all.
Yesterday I felt a bit restless. I kept thinking that I needed to do something. Do something about the debt I let my husband incur last year. Do something to feel more fulfilled and purposeful. Just do Something! It was a nagging feeling. I even looked for jobs online and discovered an opening for a part-time school counselor position just a 9 minute commute from our house. I thought about it but hesitated. So I opted to update my resume and CV and then decide if I would apply. Even after doing that something wasn’t right about it. I remembered that Mercury went retrograde that same day. It is not a good idea to get a new job or interview during a Mercury retrograde. So, using that as an excuse, I sat on it. The posting doesn’t close until the 20th anyway.
Then today my husband comes home and tells me he is getting a $25,660 bonus. What!!!?? Whoa! Now that he is on the bonus system that came with his new position as general manager he gets bonuses every quarter. This is his first. He will get three more this year. It is likely they will be big like this one, but maybe not. They fluctuate.
Regardless, now I know why I hesitated about the job. I felt in my heart that I did not want it. It made me uneasy just to consider going back to work even after my most recent good experience. I just don’t want to. You know what is really crazy? His bonus is about what I would make if I were to work part-time again. I would have to spend an entire year dealing with education system bureaucracy to make that amount, too. Now, it is coming as a check next week. Ha!
As I was thinking about this whole sequence of events and its peculiarity, I recalled that last Saturday out of the blue I just decided that I was OK with being in debt and paying ridiculous interest. I saw it was just a condition I placed on myself and my life that stressed me out. Who on this planet doesn’t have some sort of debt anyway? Money is meant to be spent, life is meant to be lived. I don’t want to spend any more time worrying about money and choosing not to live and enjoy my life because something costs too much. I already spent too much of my life doing that and it has NOT made me a happy person. So I announced to my husband that I was done stressing and fighting over money. No more. Done.
Now he gets this bonus? Hmmm. I seriously doubt it’s a coincidence. My husband has been at odds with his boss since her parents (and previous owners) died. She put his younger brother in a top position and refused for two years to put my husband in the position he had been promised by her father. My husband pushed for the position because I pushed him to push for it. He finally got promoted in 2015 (and I promptly left my job) but she refused to let him get the bonuses he was suppose to for over a full year for this reason or that. Suddenly, this year, she is finally giving them to him and it comes right when we need it, after I decide to let go of my considerations about the debt we are in and after I opt out of yet another part-time position I don’t want yet would have chosen to work just for the money.
The way I see it, all of it is tied to me finally being ready to let go of my financial beliefs and considerations. It has been an on-going life struggle for me, one I seemed to bring in with me from another lifetime. As a child of only 7 years old I remember getting money and hoarding it, saving it for who knows what, while my sisters happily spent theirs and ate their candy or got their toy. I would sit and scowl at them thinking I was right, I knew better because some day that money would be needed. LOL
In the past two years I have made phenomenal progress towards resolving my issues with money. When I announced to my husband that I was OK with being in debt, that I no longer cared, I really meant it. You all have seen my progress with this issue via this blog here and there. Lately I forget to pay bills (scandalous!) and end up with high late fees and…I just don’t care. Our savings is the lowest it has ever been and….I just don’t care. Considering I always had at least three months salary (more usually) in savings this is unbelievable for me. In 2014 I use to check our checking account frequently, sometimes daily, and nag my husband about not staying on budget, spending this or that, etc. Now I can’t remember the last time I checked our checking account balance.
There are countless more examples of how I’ve changed in regard to money. I’m a totally different person in that regard now. Really. And no, I am not going to the extreme opposite now and becoming a spendaholic and not caring at all. I still care, I just don’t obsess and stress anymore.
My consideration about money now? If it gets spent, that means more is on the way. There will always be more. My Companion told me (still does) – You will always have enough. My new consideration is also that. I will always have enough. And I always have.
What we resist does really persist. And when we stop resisting it, it really does resolve.
Not long ago I asked my guidance to help me remember the karma I have with my current husband. I have been shown past lives of other individuals throughout this life, usually quite spontaneously, but when it come to my husbands not one glimpse has been given. It is like it is “hands off” when it comes to marriage relationships. Why? That is no fair! lol
Even after I divorced my first husband I was not shown past lives or given any information as to why we had agreed to be together. All I knew was that I had agreed to help him and him me. Strangely, I was able to perceive his future quite clearly to the point that he had no doubt I knew what I was talking about. He use to call me and ask me, “What do you see for me…?” lol I told him. And it happened. All of it.
So tell me, how is it that I can see my ex’s future, but not our past? Again, not fair!
So back to my current husband. It is obvious to me that we have a “contract” and I want nothing more than to fulfill my end. I feel that I can do that better if I have more information. How do I resolve my end of the deal? Please help me. This is what I asked my guidance.
Revelations from the 1800’s
This morning, after an OBE involving my husband (not coincidence I’m sure), I woke up and was directed to “listen”. I fell into the in-between and found myself in a very different scene and very obviously from a past life.
I was standing under a veranda. Behind me were green, rolling hills and a bright, cloudless day. The scene was reminiscent of Europe. It felt beautiful but the feeling was anything but – tense is an understatement. I was dressed in a flowing, light pink, corseted gown with ruffles around the hip area. I had a parasol by my side. I don’t recall what I looked like but I do recall who I was with.
To my left was a thin, lanky man with light hair. He was dressed nicely in a blue suit with a tie and leaned against a cane. I don’t know if he needed the cane but the feeling was he did. He had been sickly his whole life and was not very physically strong.
To my right was another man. He was very boisterous and loud. He was much taller than the other man. Muscular and in peak physical condition for his age – probably 20’s. I don’t remember what he looked like, my focus was mostly on the other man.
The boisterous man was my fiance and he was angry. Angry at the other man and telling him to stay away from me and have no further contact or else. He was pretty scary and ruthless. Insulting the other man. I remember him saying, “You have nothing, can give her nothing. You are nothing.” He went as far as to laugh at the other man. Everything my fiance did and said made me think less of him and more of the other man. I had nothing but love for the sickly man. In my eyes he was perfect just the way he was, sickly or not.
Understanding what I was seeing, I came out of the in-between but went back in not long after. This time it was Knowing of the outcome. I had ended my engagement with the angry man because I did not love him. I made this choice knowing what I would leave behind me – wealth, security, status. I chose to be with the sickly man because I loved him and to me it was worth it to be with him. I chose him knowing he did not have long to live. It was far better in my mind to be with someone I loved, even if briefly, than to spend my entire life with the other man (I wanted to say “with a bogart” but didn’t know what that meant. Turns out it is a bully or someone who refuses to share. lol). I also knew I had very little time with the one I loved, perhaps only a year before he died.
Considerations
Whether this is a past life with my husband or my ex, I don’t know. I have my suspicions, though. If this is a karmic lesson regarding my current husband, what does it mean? Does it mean I made the wrong decision? Or was it how I handled the situation? Or, perhaps, it is his karma and not mine, that is being resolved. If he is the aggressive fiance then perhaps he is here to learn how to let go? Hahaha okay not really funny.
I know with many who I have recalled past life and karmic connections with that I came to help them more than myself. For example, one man I had a relationship with murdered me and our son in a past life because he found out I had been cheating on him. He couldn’t bear the humiliation. In this life he cheated WITH me (lol) and so, in a sense, he walked in my shoes and so was able to see my perspective. What he did with that lesson, I don’t know, but at the time I Knew my role and was able to learn my own lessons from it.
These “contracts” are rarely what we perceive them to be and often times have many layers of lessons contained within them, lessons for both parties.
Whatever this memory means, at least if the woman is me I knew what I wanted and had the courage to go for it despite being aware of the loss involved.
Interesting experience last night. I suspect it has to do with what my guides asked me a couple of nights ago, “Do you want to see yourself?”
Dream: Asian Woman
I don’t remember most of my dreams last night. However, at one point I became lucid in the midst of a dream. I did not take over control of the dream but instead continued to allow it to continue without interruption which is why I did not classify it as lucid.
I saw a woman. I can’t remember if it was in the mirror or if I was seeing her as myself from the point of the observer. Whatever it was, I recognized her as myself and said aloud, “Oh yeah! I keep forgetting that I look this way.” The woman I saw was in all ways different from how I look now. She was very obviously Asian, petite, and somewhat plain but pretty nonetheless. Her cheekbones were extremely flat and her eyes, though slanted, were wide enough to not seem squinty.
I inspected her face for a long time, especially her eyes. It is times like these I wish I could draw human faces because if I could I would draw hers. I spent a long time Googling images and could not find a face that was similar enough.
While looking at her, I remembered being her, that I was/am her. There was a feeling of memory loss when I looked at her, like the dream stopped and I would shift into her and her lifetime. The shift was very disorienting and felt similar to how I feel when I enter a portal while OOB. The energy would intensify and I would feel to dematerialize. Then I would recognize what was happening and shift back. The shifts resulted in amnesia of my current life and the dreamstate.
The memories of this woman, this version of me, came only as her personality. Meek, modest, subordinate, passive and permissive, she did not question male authority and focused on her function within the family unit. She didn’t resent this role nor question it. Her focus was very much inward and introspective but she was also very loyal and took her feminine role very seriously. She had much wisdom and humility. The feeling from her was that she had made peace with herself, life, and humanity, and had managed to achieve what I have not. I had nothing but respect for her.
There were flashes of memory amidst all of this but they make no sense to me now. It is like they were erased so that only the memory of the disassociation with my present lifetime and the visual of her face remain.
There is no doubt in my mind that this woman was/is me. In fact, the realization that hit me while in the dream was that my preferred appearance while in Spirit was this form. There is recognition now that I choose to appear as her because of what I achieved in that lifetime. I also knew she was of Mongolian heritage.
The most memorable part of her was her eyes. I was fixated upon them, staring deeply into them. I saw they were almost black, they were so dark, and the whites of the eyes had snowflake-like black shapes spreading outward from the iris toward the edge of the eye. Both sides had these snow-flake shapes. They sparkled like they were made of gemstones or crystals. I am not sure what they mean but they were distinct and fascinating to me. When I saw them I felt like this woman – I – was timeless.
Considerations
I find this experience very interesting, mostly because never would I have thought that while I am out and about in the astral or between lives that I would choose such a form. I assumed always that I would be similar to how I look now – blonde, blue eyes. Yet, when I saw this woman I recognized her as me and Remembered that is how I look when not in a body (most of the time anyway). My guidance was close when I woke up and I asked them, “Is that what I look like?” I heard back, “We take many forms.” But I also got confirmation.
I have read that when we are no longer in human form that we often choose to appear as we did in a favorite lifetime. It could be that we learned a great deal in that lifetime or that we were happiest or even that we failed miserably in it. Whatever it is, we all have our favorites and so tend to wear that form to remind ourselves of our accomplishments and how far we have come. I am certain that this woman is not the only form I take, but the memory of the lifetime I spent as her says enough in itself to inform me of why I choose to look like her. There are many of her traits that I wish I could transfer to this lifetime. Most of them, actually. lol
There is a lifetime I once recalled only the briefest moments of. I was an Asian female but I can’t recall the exact dates of that lifetime now. The memory is of practicing playing the cello for hours upon hours to the point that my fingers would bleed. My father would insist I practice and make me practice until it was perfect, even if my fingers were bleeding and swollen. The main memory was of being forced to play, blood pouring from my fingertips in excruciating pain. Though I had enjoyed playing the cello, all enjoyment of music was extinguished by the brutality imposed upon me by my own father. That lifetime is likely not the same lifetime, but I don’t honestly know.
Finally, there has been an Asian link throughout my spiritual journey in this lifetime. Steven, my spiritual counterpart (etheric twin), told me that his last lifetime on Earth was lived in Mongolia during the time of Genghis Khan. Whenever I see him in astral or dreams he is Asian. Sometimes he is the typical Mongolian Asian with a very flat face, and other times he takes other Asian forms such as Indian, Chinese and Japanese.
There is a particular past life memory that is revisiting me this morning. Mainly it is because a song is on my mind – I’ll Fly Away.
Sometimes there are past life memories that come up and are so beautiful that the memory reaches across lifetimes and brings tears of joy. This is one of those memories. It also just happens to be a memory of my own death.
This was from my most recent full-life. I say full because the life previous to this one was cut short when I was still a very young boy. In this particular life, I died in 1963 from Hepatitis, which I inadvertently contracted from contact with a dirty needle. I was a nurse in that lifetime so dirty needles were an everyday occurrence. Unfortunately, accidents happen.
This particular memory was from my deathbed. I was in the hospital, hooked up to all kinds of tubes and wires. The memory is from outside of my body because I had been unconscious for some time. My liver had failed and so it was just a waiting game from that point on. My two children came to visit me that day because they had been told my death was imminent. They were both grown. A son and a daughter. I believe there were others with them, but in the memory they were who I focused on.
I was a black woman who grew up in the South (Mississippi) and relied heavily on my relationship with God to get me through. My church and my brothers and sisters in Christ were my salvation more times than I could count. Singing was also interwoven into every aspect of my life. So it is no surprise that music followed me out of that lifetime.
As I was leaving to go into the Light, my children along with the others who were gathered at my bedside, sang I’ll Fly Away and other songs to send me off to heaven. Though they were sad and grieving heavily there was also joy present. And love. So much love. The feeling with this memory and this song was jubilation. I was going Home.
The memory was devoid of pain. Though my body was falling apart, slowly dying from the inside out, I had no pain. I was in a perfect bubble of peace, completely unconcerned for my physical body and my approaching death. All my focus was on my beautiful children who I was so very proud of and the feeling was that I had done a good job and could leave them without worry. I don’t remember my guides or any angels being present. I don’t remember seeing a tunnel of light or having any of those profound experiences so many NDE accounts speak of. Yet I knew that when I turned around and left, that I would be embraced by my waiting family. I could feel them all around me. That was the bubble of peace. They were my peace.
So you can see why this memory is cherished by me even in this lifetime. Recalling it helped me understand that death is a celebration, an event of homecoming. A new beginning. If I could give one gift to those living on Earth, it would be a similar memory of their own death (homecoming). Then there would be no reason to grieve the passing of a loved one or to fear their own passing. Death, in my opinion, is probably the most beautiful part of living.
After the Kundalini experience this morning (which I wrote about here), I fell to sleep and entered into a vivid dream. This dream revealed yet another past life, one which I had not previously recalled.
Dream: Past Life
I was standing outside on a pier. I don’t know where this pier was nor the time period. My main intention for being there was to resolve an issue from a past life. I knew this. I also knew I was male.
In front of me was a person I know from this life. She was a classmate of mine from 5th grade until graduation from high school. When I saw her in the dream, though, I knew her as someone I had wronged. She had been my lover many years before and I had left her suddenly without cause or reason given. This had left her wondering and sad for the remainder of her life. Though she continued on in that life, she was left with the scar. I had come to ask her forgiveness and allow us both to heal.
I approached her, asking her how she had been all this time. She was melancholy and there was discussion of her marrying and having children. I recall seeing scenes from her life but now they are a blur. I was very caring with her and gentle, trying to sooth her upset. I apologized for my actions, for leaving her without notice and never contacting her to explain. There was discussion of a child lost. A young boy who died as a child. I am not sure but he may have been our child and I remember feeling very sorry for never having met him.
There was toward the end of this dream a feeling of moving on for us both.
Resolution?
Upon waking I knew with certainty why my relationship with her in this life had been what it had been. It was so very clear!
The entire time I knew her in this life she was very beautiful and one of the popular girls. I envied her for both things but also recognized that her position was gained only because she was presented a false version of herself to others. I absolutely despise those who are fake/lie and cannot stand to be around them. In middle school I did not know this about myself. I assumed I was just jealous and was hard on myself for my tendency to shy away from most girls my age because of their fakeness.
At one point this girl, who I will call B, wanted to be my friend. She was especially persistent in acquiring my friendship and I eagerly became her best friend despite not liking her very much. She had a strange interest in me, though, and I did in her as well. My interest was mostly curiosity. I wanted to know who she really was. I quickly learned more than I wanted to know.
She was always looking at me when I undressed and commenting on my appearance. I was especially mature for my age. At 13 I looked like I do now. She, on the other hand, had not even begun to get her breasts. She also wanted to know everything about me. She was constantly asking questions and wanting to come spend the night. When over at my house she would ask my family about me. It made me very uncomfortable. I later learned she was gaining information to use against me if needed. This was how she played all of her friends. Quite despicable!
She also used our friendship to get material things. She had little money-wise and considered me “rich” because we had a swimming pool (funny!). She often was able to get me to buy her things – she was very persuasive!
Eventually she began to use our friendship to her advantage at school. I was one of the smart kids in school. She was not. lol She often got answers to math questions from me and at one point I got fed up with it. I did not like being a part of her cheating. During a test I loudly stated, “No, I will not let you cheat off me, B.” Everyone in the classroom, including the teacher, heard me and stared at her wide-eyed. I’m sure she was completely humiliated. When things calmed she turned to me with an evil look and said, “I guess we aren’t friends anymore.” I responded, “I guess not.”
From that point on she made it her job to make my life miserable as best she could. I, thankfully, didn’t care much about social acceptance and kept to myself. But I hated her from then on because what she presented to others was a lie. She has been in my dreams on and off ever since, which drove me crazy!
Upon realizing this past life, I understood why we were destined to have this relationship in this life. Had we been of opposite genders, then we likely would have played into our past life roles. Either way, we would have hated one another because the past life was left with such animosity on her part because our relationship was never resolved. I hope now that it has been!
Living Life in Between 