Exit 2020, Enter 2021

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Wishing you all a blessed New Year.

The featured image of this post reminds me of one of the darkest times in my life. The best description would be that I was in the midst of a Dark Night of the Soul. I wanted to give up. My guides seemingly went quiet except for one time. I wanted them to tell me what to do. I could see nothing ahead of me. All was black and depressing. There was no way out, I thought. My guide whispered, “Just put one foot in front of the other.”

Later, after following this advice, I was able to break through the darkness.

For those of you who have struggled in 2020, I wish I could say 2021 will provide the light you are seeking, but I can’t. All I can advise is what my guide once advised me. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, you will see the light again.

What will you be doing during the last week of 2020?

Trip to Montana

My family and I are about to embark on an adventure. For my children, it will be a week of many firsts. Their first time on a plane. Their first memories of snow. Their first time skiing. Their first view of the magnificent Rocky Mountains (The Bridger Mountains to be specific). Their first time visiting Montana. And probably many other firsts besides these.

For me, I will spend this last week visiting my past, or what I like to call, “My first life”. I haven’t been to Montana in winter since 1999/2000. I haven’t been to my old college stomping grounds since then either. My research revealed that a lot has changed in the town of Bozeman in the 20 years since I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree (yes, exactly 20 years!). It isn’t so tiny anymore, that’s for sure! Yet still, it would be consider tiny to most. I don’t know yet what lies ahead. Healing? Release? Expansion? Gratitude? Joy? Maybe all of the above and more – I hope.

My memories of my time there are wrought with anxiety. The snowy, ice packed, winter roads caused me much distress. As a Texan I was just not prepared for winter driving and even after four years of practice I often drove gripping the steering wheel, fighting mental images of getting stuck in a ditch without any way of contacting help. To give you an idea of just how anxious driving made me, I turned down a good job because I couldn’t confront the idea of the long commute during the winter months.

Other memories consist of my time with my ex and his family, regrets at how I treated them and how I let my anxiety and need for control destroy the very relationships that supported me during this time in my life. The entire time, I was surrounded by nature’s beauty, an awe-inspiring, breathtaking array of Mountains, foothills and wildlife. Yet I very rarely took the time to really appreciate it. The times I did allow myself to breathe in the beauty and magnificence of the place I lived are some of my most precious memories of my time there.

One memory I have that has now become my favorite was on a hunting trip to the outskirts of Yellowstone. My ex was always hunting and had the goal of killing a six point elk. He succeeded on this trip but we got caught in the mountains in the dark and were forced to spend the night. We had no tents, no supplies for camping – nothing. I remember laying in the sage on the mountainside trying to sleep but being blown away by the night sky in all its glory. The air, the smells, the sensations, all remain vivid in my memory. It was spectacular! I can STILL feel all of it as if it was yesterday.

Those are the memories I want to keep. The others, well, they are lessons learned and I hope to share the good parts with my husband and children this week. I want them to see what I often did not, to know the world is glorious and full of wonder if only we would take the time to really SEE and appreciate it.

I will certainly share photos upon our return as well as any lessons and healing experiences I may have.

Dreams and the Lessons they Teach

Though I haven’t been trying to remember my dreams and have not been writing them down often, sometimes a dream or two will linger in my mind for days after having it. I take this as reason to review and write the dream down. So I will do that now.

Dream: Too Old

What I recall most about this dream is being with a group of others my age but they all appeared younger than I am in life. We were sitting together at a round table and across from us was a group of older people. I say older because their hair was graying and they appeared much older than we did. The place we were in reminded me of a bar except the lighting was brighter. There was quite a bit of background noise from people talking and catching up. Perhaps it was a class reunion or similar? Hard to say as I did not have that feeling while dreaming.

I remember an older man with almost white hair was looking at me from across the way. His face didn’t seem too old but I felt he was much older than me. A woman sitting near me commented that he was interested in me. I think he said something to me but I can’t recall what now.

My comments were what I remember the most. I remembered suddenly that I would turn 44 years old this year. To me this was too old – too old to anticipate anything exciting in life, too old to bother making new plans or exploring new relationships, just too old. I mentioned how all the men my age were starting to show their age and the neglect of their physical bodies. They were pudgy, gaining weight or overweight, they were balding, they were graying and they were just unattractive in general. I pointed out that the men my age were looking for women much younger than me and told the woman sitting with me that she was the age they were interested in and I was far too “old”. The men interested in me were the age of the graying man who was staring at me from afar. I found this extremely unfair. Why do men get to get old, gray, let their bodies go and get progressively unattractive and society allows this and even encourages it? Yet women are expected to maintain their youthful looks as long as possible and if they don’t then they are judged harshly? “Old women” are not considered useful, yet old men are. Add to that women are expected to accept unattractive, older men as their partners, which leaves them in the likely position to become their caregivers in the end as they inevitably grow old and develop age-related complications and illness.

In the dream I felt the impossibility of my situation and I began to cry. I woke up crying.

My thoughts about this dream are that it is the result of finding my ex-boyfriend’s profile on FB and seeing just how much he had neglected his physical body. He was fat and had really let himself go. I could see all the years of heavy drinking, drug use and partying on his face and body. Yet his wife still maintained her youthful looks and was still by his side, accepting the lackluster man he had become and looking unhappy and stressed out. I knew he had not changed much over the years and felt it unfair that he would be so successful and people would accept the lie he presented of himself so eagerly.

I know this dream reflects my struggle with growing old. I work overtime to keep my body in good physical shape, eating healthy, exercising, etc. Why? I want to continue to look “young” as long as possible. I’ve always said I will grow old gracefully yet I am fighting it. My main reason for working out is to keep my body looking better than a 20-something body and it is working but it won’t work forever. I look at other women and men and judge them harshly if they have let their bodies go – mainly if they are overweight which 65% of our population is. I want to show them how easy it is to maintain optimal weight, be healthy and feel good. What I end up getting is lots of jealousy by women and stares from “old”, gross men. lol

When I am OOB I almost always looks young and youthful – beautiful. Here, we get to watch ourselves deteriorate and we really can’t do anything about it in the end. All roses wither and die.

Dream: Betrayal

In this dream I was watching as my husband generously offered to pay for the meals of a large group of people – families mostly. This group was very large – like fifty or more. I stood watching him, fuming that he was doing something that would cost us so much. Mainly, though, I think my upset was that he would do it knowing I did not agree.

I confronted him in front of a “family” member, a young woman who I recognized as his cousin. When she heard our disagreement she said that she felt this was a warning sign to him and advised him to fix the situation. Her comments held meaning beyond her words, suggesting that he end our marriage. I called her on it, telling her that she knew nothing about the history of this long-standing upset I have with him explaining how he had done similar things in the past without first asking me if I was in agreement. It felt like a slap in my face that he would do it again, purposefully knowing how it would make me feel.

The cousin’s face softened and she offered to pay for the meals herself and I rejected this because the issue was not in the money. The issue was in his not advising with me beforehand and taking away my choice in the matter. I felt powerless to do anything. There was also a fear that I would have to make up for the lost money by working more and frantically try to make up for it in other ways. It left me feeling insecure and I do not like that.

I woke up upset and recognizing I was exploring my feelings and the source of my upset.

In considering my reaction in the dream (and in life in similar situations), I look at how I’ve paid for entire meals for others (groups even) in the past without a thought. Yet when my husband does it I get furious. Is it that he is somehow taking away my glory? Is it because I feel the people undeserving? Or is it really because I had no part in the decision? It is very obviously illogical.

My main feeling is that he has no right because part of our money is my money. MY money means I make the decision, not him. I seem intent on hoarding money, keeping as much as I can for “potential unexpected expenses”. But really, money makes me feel safe, or at least gives the illusion of safety. When he “throws money away” like that I feel he is a threat to my security, to our family’s security. This is the heart of my upset. I must have had a lifetime in which someone, maybe me or maybe a partner, spent money without consideration of the future and left me and our children destitute.

In this lifetime I watched my own mother stand by idly while her second husband spent money without a thought to the future. They got an in-ground pool installed, bought nice cars, and went on trips to exotic places. He spent and spent and she stood back and watched despite her gut feeling that spending frivolously and not saving money was a mistake. In the end, his income dwindled to little to nothing and he up and left her when money got tight and he couldn’t spend as he pleased. Then she found out he had not been paying his taxes over the years and so the government came after her because she had been his wife. They began to garnish her wages leaving her with no way to support her family. She had to file for bankruptcy and it devastated her.

What is even stranger is that my MIL demonstrates a similar money problem, she blew hundreds of thousands of dollars in a short time, never saving it or investing it in her retirement, wasting money without considerations for her future or the impact it would have on her children. Now, in her old age, she expects her children to care for her every need and continues to not take responsibility for the money she does earn, spending it frivolously and expecting her children to give her more whenever she asks.

So it is obvious to me this money issue is a big lesson for me. I wonder, though, what I am suppose to learn from it? I mainly get angry with the inconsideration people have shown me and my loved ones. How could anyone do that to another person on purpose? It feels like the ultimate betrayal to me, one with potentially devastating consequences.


The sense I get from the dreams and the lessons they offer is that they are the result of my asking my guidance for help. What is left for me to overcome? What is holding me back?

I am consistently receiving the message to “open my heart”, to look at life through the lens of love. I know what love is. I have experienced love beyond human love (which is conditional and frivolous). Divine love does not judge. It isn’t critical of others or self. It holds no expectation. It is purely accepting. It sees beauty in everything.

My first response to the above dreams is to be critical of myself for these very obvious “flaws” in my human self. Yet this reaction will not help me. I have to love these aspects  of my present self and personality. How do I do this? I have to show myself compassion.

These considerations I have are the result of lifetimes of human conditioning. My considerations about growing old are not just mine. Every human has them as they grow older to some extent. And my concerns about frivolous spending of money come from experience, past and present lifetime. They are deeply embedded and their rising to the surface gives me the opportunity to consciously explore their roots in order to free myself from the suffering they cause.


Lucid Dream: Are You My Friend?

Went to bed feeling a bit unsettled. My chest was feeling odd and I had thoughts before bed that felt intrusive, as if I was being spoken to by a spirit with evil intent. The thoughts were the kind that induce the anxiety and then I start to feel like my heart is beating wrong or my chest hurts, etc. I believe it said things like, “You will die” but I can’t remember now exactly what it said, just that it was not good and sparked the anxiety response.

Lucid Dream: Are You My Friend?

I had lots of strange dreams but the one I recall now caused tears.

In the dream I was following this blonde woman around a suburban neighborhood. It felt a bit like The Walking Dead the way we were trying not to be seen or heard. We would go past a house and I would know that someone might be looking out the window and if they saw us would come out and attack (distrust in others). I recall telling the woman that I knew the man in one house was not good as I had seen him and his wife before and they were not right in the head.

Then we were in a house with others sitting in chairs as if in a group meeting. The woman was not paying me any attention but I wanted it very badly from her. I can’t remember what was said now but it led to the next part.

A vision appeared in front of me as if through a window. I could see people sitting in bleachers (spectators, not actively participating) all facing the same direction as if watching a game. My consciousness went through the window and into the scene. I was very lucid and had the thought, “I wonder if any of them were really my friends?” I was remembering when I spent time in TN with the walk-in group as well as the time I went to Mt. Shasta. The feeling of belonging was wonderful. I had felt to be truly part of something bigger. I felt seen and understood more than I had before and there was hope that I would not have to go through this life feeling so different from everyone anymore. Yet all of it vanished and is now gone as if it never was. So I wondered, was any of it ever real? Were any of them ever truly my friends?

Now in the scene with the people sitting in the bleachers I approached each of them, looking closely at them and seeming to recognize them, only they were not anyone I recall from this lifetime. I remember asking them one by one, “Are you my friend?” Most seemed not to hear me and I began to get upset and cry.

Eventually, though, they began to acknowledge me. One woman who looked Native American turned to me and said, “Yes.” Then another person and another. Each responded with compassion and emotion. With each response I began to feel relief and the relief turned to tears. Yet at the same time there was this sadness and a feeling that beyond the dream scene I could not trust any human to be true to their word. That all of them would betray my trust in some way. This caused me to feel even more alone.

Protect Yourself

My tears woke me up and I felt more certain than ever that some negative entity was intruding into my thoughts, brought back by the fear/panic/anxiety that has recently become such a nuisance. Each time I thought to consult with my guidance I would withdraw because the chance that what I received back could be influence by a negative entity was likely. With my mind quiet I feel even more alone, though. Yet I know that, like years ago, my internal dialogue right now needs to be strictly controlled.

Dreams and other incidences in my life suggest that I need to protect myself right now. Some examples are: 1. A friend recently told me I should protect myself, 2. Yesterday I came across an article about a man struggling with a “demon” that constantly sent him negative thoughts, and 3. Various dreams and messages to protect myself. I believe the silencing of my internal dialogue is part of protecting myself as is the awareness of what is getting through and its origins – like last night, when the negative statements created an instant panic response. This needs to be addressed. But how? I know that this entity feeds off my fear and insecurities. If “entity” is even the right word.

It may just be that this entity or whatever it is just comes about when my fear levels rise high enough or it could be that all along it has been there hiding, disguising itself as one of my guides and creating the upset. I know that early on in my journey (2004ish) I chose to stop talking to my “guides” because it became clear to me that they were not helpful. I stopped the internal dialogue and went into a Dark Night coming out the other side to a marriage and family but years of silence from my guidance until my OBEs returned as did my guidance. But the guidance was different (felt not heard) and I did not return to the constant internal conversation with them that I had before. It could be that I fell back into that routine out of a need for company and reassurance and the previous negative voice was unintentionally invited back.

In the past, silencing my internal dialogue worked. Perhaps it will again? I have been doing it so far fairly successfully but the fear brings it on and it is hard not to hear the negative thoughts. I have to consciously replace them with, “I am alright. I will be okay” along with thoughts about what is right and good about my life.

Then there is the feeling that I can’t really trust another human. It is a belief, really. I like to think that humans are innately good but my experience tells me another story. Perhaps it is just that humans will do what is in their best interest; they are selfish and preoccupied with the “I”. Men will say pretty much anything to get what they want. “I will never leave you” is a statement to be wary of. In fact, any statement that uses the words, “never” and “always” are flags to be wary of. Women will pretend to like you as long as you pretend to like them but won’t hesitate to say bad things about you to others rather than tell you personally what issues they have with you (passive-aggressive). Expectation and judgment is everywhere and creates constant conflict. It clings to humans like clothing.

I am left wondering if any of my experiences in this lifetime were what they seemed to be. The walk-in group and the people I met so disappeared practically over night. The period of time where I practiced mediumship and had hopes of making it my career – vanished as if it never was. The heart connection that blew me away, disappeared as if just a dream. All the crazy but amazing “ET” encounters and Kundalini lessons have stopped as if they were just my imagination.

The only thing that has remained consistent is my family and mundane life experience. Husband, children, mother, brother, sisters, extended family – all the same with the same issues.

Then there is me feeling such loss when it comes to the spiritual and spiritual connections I have made. It makes me wonder if the “path” is even a path at all? Perhaps I have been tricked all along?

Ultimately, all I can do is go with how I feel on what to do and that means silence my internal dialogue the best I can and focus on the physical for a while.

Balancing the Spiritual with the Physical

Lots of lessons lately. Thankfully, I am clear enough that I am taking it all in stride. I believe the shadow work of the last few months has led me here. And I’m not the only one who has arrived. As my guidance said to me not long ago, I say to you now: Welcome back!

Firstly, I will start by saying, “Damn! I’ve changed! I’m so proud of myself. Well done, you!”

I mentioned in my last post that the Kundalini was visiting again. Well, this K visit was catalyzed by a person I had an online but highly energetic encounter with last summer, right around my birthday. Call it a soul family encounter of the 5D kind, I guess, because I have no Earthly idea what to call it or the specific reasons for it. Neither does he!

Last August our connection was preceded by a dream of my Mom’s house catching fire. When I woke I heard, “Fire. Two weeks.” As you can imagine it worried me seeing my childhood home in flames so I contacted my mom and warned her. Exactly two weeks later an online acquaintance emails me and tells me he has been waiting in the wings for about two years to propose to me that we connect at the energetic level. I didn’t know what I was getting into when I agreed it would be okay. The almost three weeks following ignited the K so intensely that ultimately he retreated, for personal reasons. However, it left me a bit in shock and it took me a few months to really process the entire experience.

At the time I was really proud of myself for not attaching to him or the energy between us. It was amazing to me how easy it was to be this way! As I have written many, many times before, the K is intoxicating and alluring, like a highly addictive drug. It is almost impossible to not become obsessed over your next “fix”. But somehow I didn’t have that reaction. I was able to fully separate during the “down times” between encounters, return to “normal” with a clear mind and heart. Considering just how different my experience was with this man, how magnetic even, my response was quite a feat!

Yes, I did enter into a dark period afterward, and maybe it was because of the after-effects of this encounter. I can’t say it didn’t influence what came next because eventually I did miss what we had, but only because when we connected it was telepathic and for the first time ever I was able to fully share myself with another. Meaning, what he felt, I felt, and vice versa.

Then there was the awful incident in my old house just last month. The man burning himself alive in the closet, dying and destroying the second floor we added in 2011. Within two days (I kid you not) the man from last summer emails me after no communication since last September. I can’t help but see a repeat of symbolism – fire. First from my dream and warning last summer and then this time to an actual event that resulted in death of both a man and the house of my past. By the day of the funeral, communication was well under way between myself and my old friend.

At this time there has not been any communication between us for over a day. I am okay with it because, like before, I have not attached to him or the connection we have, nor do I expect anything specific to result. I have just enjoyed the reunion and the company of someone who gets me. This time around the fire between us was never totally reignited, though the K was very active in me in a healing sort of way more than anything. My friend confessed his difficulty with resisting my energy, opened up more about what he experienced last summer and apologized for his abrupt disconnect.

For me his confessions gave me better understanding of what was and is going on. I had thought him much more advanced than myself in terms of the K. Turns out that I was wrong, or at least my assumption of some of it was inaccurate. He struggles with attachment and expectation. He is searching for something specific and is focused on that desire and the path to it. There are many lessons he has yet to learn about the nature of these connections, lessons I hadn’t really recognized until now.

Firstly, you can’t truly appreciate the Kundalini when you attach to it or have expectations about where it will lead you. Like my guidance warned, “Passion is a double edged sword” and other similar messages like “Follow the 8 Winds [of Buddhism].” I think it is inevitable that when one feels the K that they attach to it, desire more of it to the point of chasing that feeling, always wanting more. Eventually the path leads to non-attachment, surrender and the release of expectation. This is a natural process. It can’t be forced. The rising of the K itself results in these lessons being learned.

Next, once you’re Kundalini awakens, you will ignite others either consciously or unconsciously. There is no avoiding it. We are catalysts for each other. That means encounters like the ones I’ve had will continue. These encounters are often painful and lead to delving into the depths of the self that otherwise would never have been seen or experienced. However, if you release attachment and expectation and surrender to the experience you are able to recognize this process and better prepare for it.

Finally, the primary purpose of the K energy is as an ever-present guide and teacher. Once awakened it will never truly be gone. It may appear to go dormant but it is just in waiting. It is guaranteed to return one way or the other. Therefore, longing for it or worrying it is gone “forever” is pointless. The ego wants to control the experience, to know and to possess. If allowed to do this, destruction is inevitable.

I’ve developed a sort of weird appreciation for these encounters now. I see the potential for growth despite the very certain upset involved. Though this man is now retreating from the magnificent connection we have, I know he will be back at some point because there is unfinished business to attend to. No, I don’t know the specifics of all the work involved but I sense the growth that awaits the both of us once he commits to the task. What he wants at a spiritual level will win out over what he wants in the physical. I can provide what he needs spiritually as he can also for me.

Something I am learning throughout this process is what is means for the spiritual and physical to be in balance. The physical really is just a reflection of what is happening within each of us. Unfortunately, the physical is delayed because it follows the rules of Time. One of the messages I received from my guidance during this reunion was to slow down….and wait for the physical to “catch up” to the spiritual. I am able now to experience the two worlds (spiritual and physical) as if side by side and can easily see the discrepancies. Movement forward cannot happen until the two are in balance. It feels a certain way and is not something that will be easy to identify from the physical perspective. Trying to force the physical into submission definitely doesn’t work! When we try to do this we end up in a crisis that expresses itself through uncomfortable physical symptoms.

Right now I am back in acceptance and am not at odds with my life as I was just a few short weeks ago. My impatience is my downfall, though.

Edit: Have to add that I woke with song in my mind this morning. It reminds me of the OBE I had when I finally fully surrendered to the K. I was in the middle of the ocean and finally stopped struggling. To my surprise I floated. Safe. There was this beautiful calm and acceptance. I will never forget it.




When I woke this morning I was a bit down about something that I got over rather quickly. I think I must have been mulling over the idea that the ascension process somehow turns us into “new” individuals; like in the end the person transforming isn’t themselves anymore but someone else. I thought to myself, “That was me and this is me. I am still me and always will be.”

It is understandable that I would think through this process that I would “magically transform” into someone new and unrecognizable from the person I once was. In many ways, I am very different, but the core of my personality, of who I AM, has not changed one bit. Yes, I’ve been through some intensely transformative experiences, ones where I shifted so much into my HS that I felt the old me literally shed and fall off like old clothing. I’ve shed many layers through similar experiences over the years, but every.single.time I come back to my core self and to a more balanced distribution of HS and lower self.

With this consideration that I will transform into someone new came the assumption that this “new” person will ultimately change everything else in their life to match. There is so much talk online about how we must drop anything that is of a “lower vibration” -all connections with people, places and things which no longer align with who we are – that is easy to assume that means, in the end, our lives look completely different than prior to the transformation. And maybe this is true for some people. It certainly seems so if you focus primarily on those writing about ascension, the Shift, etc. But what about all those others going through this process who have not dramatically changed everything about themselves and their lives as a result? Are they not transformed just as intensely?

Ultimately, I realized that I had this idea that I am not transformed unless I make drastic changes to my life so that I can live in tune with my new, higher vibration. It’s like I think one cannot come without the other which it total BS. I mean really, whose to say that I am not already in line? If I weren’t, I would be shifting away from where I am.  If something doesn’t feel right, I look at it, adjust it and continue on; therefore, I am always fine tuning my life to align with my vibration – my heart/soul/core. I don’t have to use my spiritual gifts full-time or sell everything, buy and RV and drive around the country helping those I happen across. I don’t have to go to ceremonies or gather in groups with others of the “Light” (which we all are BTW) or write a book, hold a class, give a lecture, make a video, etc. I don’t have to divorce my husband, leave my family and move across the country to Mt. Shasta (which I thought of doing!) or some other place (like TN) in order to somehow be this “new improved” version of myself.

I could do any of those things. I could. But honestly the only thing I should do is what feels right to me. If it doesn’t feel right in the end, then I am missing something and to act without full [self-] awareness would be unwise.

I was a bit down to discover my faulty thinking but then I forgave myself for it is only human to put conditions on everything. “If ________ happens, then _______ will happen” is conditional thinking. My guidance has brought this to my attention before! I remember, too, and I do try to stay aware of the conditions I place on myself, my life and others. Yet, it still happens. It is everywhere, unfortunately, and these conditions can really wreak havoc on our lives if we don’t seek them out. They can trap us, and do trap us.

If you are feeling unbalanced, unhappy, or dissatisfied in some way, there is likely some kind of conditional thinking underneath it all that is to blame.

Now that I think of it, maybe I was discussing this very topic in my dreams last night because one dream in particular comes up.


The dream began inside a house (own soul/self). The house was full of people I knew. There was a man who had two babies (innocence, new beginnings), twins (duality) I think. One was in distress, stuck inside a small box with wire over the front. I went up to the baby to console him and the baby pushed on the door and it opened. He was free. I said to the baby, “You freed yourself! Good job!” I snuggled with the baby. He was wearing only a diaper and looked to be around 12 months old.

The father was an older man with a gray beard. As I held both babies, talking baby talk to them both and just generally snuggling and loving them, I asked the father if he was going to have anymore babies. He said that he was not because he couldn’t. I saw an image of his lower regions and heard “fixed” but I do not think it was physical but something spiritual because I saw energy/nadis running through his penis and testicles.

There is a section of the dream where I am in a hallway. I am talking to my husband who is finishing up a very elaborate mural on the wall. I recognize the images. They are giant replications of my Oracle deck. There are at least six cards painted next to each other covering the wall from floor to ceiling. I comment on how beautiful they are and how I painted the originals. I remember thinking they looked better on the wall than on the tiny canvas’ I used.

Then I was fiddling with my purse (identity and sense of self) and pulled out a folded piece of paper. I opened it up and it was a letter (communication from subconscious) from someone I knew. I looked up and saw her across the room watching me. She was a young woman, approximately 25, with brown hair and eyes. The letter had two pages. The first was just a note and the second was an entire page of Light Language. I realized as I was looking it over that she had written me to share her revelation and seek counsel on how to develop her gifts.

For some reason I decided I didn’t need or want this girl’s letter anymore. Light Language seemed insignificant to me, as if it was just a silly hobby. I folded it back up and got up to throw it in the trash (release, let go). As I got to the can I saw the girl was sitting very close to it and watching me. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I quickly changed my mind about tossing the letter. I pretended I had a runny nose, sniffled and used the folded note to wipe (let go of past) my nose.

The dream grows hazy here. Mostly I remember flashes of things I have done in the past. I saw my paintings and the Oracle deck they later became a part of. I saw the Light Language I had written and channeled. I saw the walk-in group I gathered with in TN and Shasta. These all flashed very quickly through my mind and then I heard someone speaking to me, listing off the answer selections to a multiple choice question. I can’t remember the selections now because I woke up.


The sadness hit me upon waking. It felt like all the things I had done in the past were in an attempt to fill in the blanks of that condition I placed upon myself. How much of it was true to me? And how much was me attempting to transform myself into something I thought I should be? In looking back on my feelings, I can’t help but think that much, if not all of it, was me attempting to find myself and, like the portion of the dream involving the letter, ultimately just a phase that has long since passed.

But then, isn’t life composed of passing phases of self-exploration? Isn’t that why we come into life? To experience ourselves? So, it is not that all of my experiences were some futile attempt to re-create myself. No. They were me learning who I am via exploration and experimentation. This is what we (spirit in human form) do. Children do it all the time (play!). Adults, not so much. We just let ourselves get stuck in the condition rather than moving through it when it has served it’s purpose. We keep playing trudging through a game long after we find it boring or pointless.

I guess the question now is: What games do I want to play presently? What brings about a longing in my heart to explore and experiment?

If I am honest with myself about this question then I guess I would like more experiences involving the bliss state. I want to see if I can remain neutral through intensely pleasurable experiences and intensely painful experiences alike. I want to test my own limits, physically and spiritually. Travel would be nice, especially locations where I can be out in nature, and ideally with someone who I enjoy being with.

A Lesson on Aging

Interesting lesson for contemplation presented to me last night and upon waking.

Dream: Fishing

The dream began on the side of a road. I could see the white gravel (practicality) as I sat upon a very tall bicycle (seeking balance) adjusting the handles. Only they weren’t handles but a steering wheel (control of direction in life) as if from a car. The steering wheel was too high up and I knew it was that way because my husband had been “driving” my bicycle (letting my husband have control).

When I stopped I held up a group composed of an adult and several kids, mostly boys, all on bicycles. I watched as they went around me and pedaled on their way down the road.

When my bike was adjusted I rode a very short while and then stopped again, this time by a large pond. When I got off my bike my bare feet touched rough rock that poked at my tender feet (discomfort). This rock was also white but bigger than the pebbles of the previous road.

Gathered by the pond (reflection) were the kids (youth) from earlier all with fishing poles in their hands. A mother was helping her daughter adjust her pole discussing what kind of bait to use. For some reason I saw at water level a bunch of white, striped fish (ideas) in the water. I commented about them saying we had put them in the pond and that they could be used as bait.

Then I was fishing (delving into subconscious), too, and cast out into the dark water. I was high up on a rocky ledge with the others trying to position a chair (need to contemplate something) but it kept slipping. I looked for lower ground, noticing there were families on the other side of the pond at water level. I opted to stay put when I saw a girl nearby catch a fish. Not long after, I caught one.

My fish was small and greenish black (insight from subconscious, something’s “fishy”). When I grabbed it to remove the hook, part of its back fin fell off (misguided, lack of direction). I realized it was too small (not living up to potential) and decided to throw it back. As I tossed it in, part of a section of it’s side fell off. In the water it laid on its side, dead, blood (disappointment) in the water around it.

File:Fish Pond near Titchfield Abbey.jpg

Dream: Depressed Bathtub

This dream began inside a house (soul/self). I was in the bathroom (cleansing) showing a woman how to remove water that had overflowed. I poured it into a laundry basket (abundance). Despite the basket being full of holes the water did not leak out. I then picked up the basket and poured the water out and made sure to use towels to soak up any remaining puddles so that the water didn’t leak down to the first floor.

Then, I noticed a bathtub below me. It was on the left side (feminine) of the bathroom and another tub was on the right. The floor I was standing on angled down toward the tub on the left and there was a drain built into the side. I realized I hadn’t needed to remove or soak up the water. To get into the tub you had to climb down a porcelain ladder built into the tile wall. I thought it cool but then maybe slippery and dangerous, especially for someone getting up in age. I remember wanting to take a bath or shower in the tub just to experience it.

Dream: Sexual Dysfunction Group

In this dream I was with a couple but I only recall talking to the woman and never saw either of them. We entered into a large room with many older people inside. Their ages ranged from mid-40’s to 80’s or higher. Everyone was gathered there and I knew they came often to meet up, mingle and find partners. It was like a silver singles meet and greet or something like that. lol I soon realized that all of the people in attendance were struggling with some kind of sexual dysfunction that kept them from experiencing sexual intimacy as it was intended.

As I was shown around I felt a bit out of place because of my age and also because I had no sexual dysfunction. I looked at all the “old” people and tried to keep out of my mind imaginings of them naked and having sex. It was not something I wanted to imagine! lol I remember joking that it was a “geriatric” sex group and thinking that “geriatric” applied to anyone over the age of 50.

Whoever I was talking to was asking me questions to dig deeper into how I was feeling and what I thought. I recall having an entire dream within a dream about being in a home and walking in on a man who had just exited the shower. He was older and completely naked. I turned before I could see anything, shielding my eyes and apologizing. He stood behind me completely naked and unashamed.

There was a discussion about supplementation that could help with sexual dysfunction. Someone pointed out a rack in the center of the room and told me that those who ordered supplements picked them up from the rack. I could see the bottles, all marked clearly with people’s names so that anyone and everyone knew what kind of supplements were being purchased and why. I said, “I would never buy supplements from here and pick them up there! I would get them on my own and have them delivered.” I made a joke about how I would only buy Evening Primrose Oil anyway. I obviously felt uncomfortable and judged despite no one seeming to notice or care.

At this time I sat down on a soft sofa on the edge of the room and kept to myself, watching everyone else mingle and looking closely at their varying ages and physical condition. The room was laid out with sofas along the walls where people could sit closely and talk. Many were connecting and everyone was at ease except me.

I remember knowing what kind of sexual dysfunction the people there had. For example, one man had erectile dysfunction and was buying up supplements to fix that. And there was a woman close to my age sitting nearby who was struggling with some kind of sexual dysfunction. I think she couldn’t achieve orgasm. I felt sad for her being so young and struggling like that especially since she was one of the few younger people there. Seeing her made me feel even more out of place and I decided I for sure didn’t belong there!

Several men came and sat with me. One sat by me, grabbed my right hand and said, “That’s a nice one” and left. I looked down and saw a silver, marquis wedding ring but it was on the wrong hand. The one that lingered the longest had dark hair with streaks of gray in it that was somewhat long and disheveled. His body was lean and sinewy and the feeling coming off of him was intense and powerful. I pulled away, feeling a bit uncomfortable knowing he was checking me out as a potential partner while also feeling attracted to his powerful energy. He talked to me for a while but I only remember bits and pieces of our conversation. He was trying to get me to lighten up and stop being so judgmental/critical about “old” age. I knew he was in his 50’s and could not keep my thoughts from him. In fact, I think everyone there could hear everyone else’s thoughts. I think I called him “geriatric”, too, which was not nice but he didn’t take offense, just pointed out that I was only a decade younger than him (ha!).

During our conversation I shifted into a dimly lit scene. I believe I was inside a car but it was also a bicycle like in the first dream. Whatever we said caused me to feel very sensual and this is when the muted Kundalini entered the dream. What remains in my memory is a discussion about how older people can be sexual, too, and it is just as beautiful and erotic but can be much more intense and pleasurable because of the experience that comes with age. I think he was trying to convince me of this fact and he succeeded.


Not long after this I awoke with a warm feeling in my sacral and solar plexus. It was a nice feeling but not sexual. The man from the dream was still nearby and our discussion continued about age, sexuality and intimacy.

Our discussion brought to me a memory from last Sunday when I visited my Mom’s house. Her brother came for a visit and I remember thinking he looked really old. I realized he is 68 now and thought it sad that he had lost so much of his good looks. Yet he seemed happier than he’s ever been and was really pleasant as a result. He can very moody and serious (Scorpio). Still, though, it seemed a shame that his body was in such poor shape.

I suppose my reaction to my uncle spurred the dream and discussion. It is just a continuation from previous discussions I’ve had about growing older. Obviously, I perceive old age as unpleasant, limiting, and asexual. lol There are a lot of beliefs and judgments that need clearing such as: old people having sex is gross, old age brings limitation, old bodies are unattractive, old women “dry up”, old men have erectile dysfunction (lol), old people are senile, old people are useless, old people are a burden on society. OMG there are more even that that. 😦

There was discussion about my age and how I feel about it. I feel young still but close to losing what is left of my youthfulness. For some reason 50 seems to be the cut-off decade right now but I laugh because when I was really young, 30 was old and at one point 40 was old, too. LOL As a result of feeling my youth disappearing there is somewhat of a desperate feeling along with a sadness. I want to keep my youth but can’t. I don’t want to be old. I want my body to look like it does now. I am proud of my body and how well I’ve maintained it but at some point (my uncle is a good example) no amount of care and maintenance will stave off the deterioration that comes with old age. One day my body will likely resemble my Mom’s. What horror! lolol

Then I was directed to focus on the passion, fire and aliveness I’ve been experiencing with the Kundalini. Despite growing older I feel more alive and passionate than I ever have. I think it a shame that it came so late in my life. What a waste!, I think. This quote comes to mind:

George Bernard Shaw Quote: “Youth is wasted on the young ...

Then I was directed to the Kundalini, the fire and passion and bliss. Just remembering it brought the energy. It flooded my entire Being and I could not understand how I had gone so long in this life without ever experiencing it, without ever tapping into my own innate power. When I feel it, all I want is to remain within it, and feel propelled toward that single purpose. There is nothing else more important to me. The fact of this surprised me and I knew it would ultimately be the source of immense change in my life. But this Knowing didn’t scare me one bit.

I was asked to contemplate what I had been shown, to consider tossing my beliefs about old age and embracing the possibility that my life has just begun and does not have to be limited by the physical. I was asked to consider how I limit myself with these considerations; how I limit my potential and the potential of others. Just because I am growing older doesn’t mean I have to stop living.

In the end, it feels like someone in Spirit is guiding me to shift my perspective and has been for some time now. Whether this shift is ultimately meant to facilitate something else, is unknown, but I am suspicious. Could it be that eventually I will be faced with a situation that will test whether I am able to see past the illusions and limitations of the physical?

Dreamwork and Tests

Lots of dreams to recount.

Dream: Gift House

This was the longest dream of the night. At the beginning I was in labor (hard work ahead) and women were tending to me. They were telling me it had to go a certain way, that everything would be okay and to let them handle everything. It hard to recall what the “certain way” was but there were specific rules. I felt forced by the rules and demanding to be left alone. There is mild discomfort felt in the dream but it is also hard to recall. There was also mention of absolutely no medical intervention being allowed.

After the labor scene I was recovering (no baby in sight) and handed a card (surprises ahead). The card was enormous, at least 8 feet high. It was also beautiful with colorful artwork from cover to cover. There were signatures from people I know in real life, people I have met in person and also on the internet. Most I have memories of helping or assisting in some way. I referred to them as my spiritual circle, my mind going to a specific circle I was part of early on in my awakening. I knew I had missed many meetings yet they still remembered me. I got emotional, shedding a few tears. I felt very loved.

There was a male presence assisting me to read the card. It was a reading provided by a very revered medicine man. He had drawn the card as part of my reading. I said, “Too bad it doesn’t say what it means.” The man seemed to indicate it did and I saw there was an explanation at the bottom with the symbols and their corresponding meanings. I only remember the symbols were unfamiliar, like mythical or made-up creatures. One was a water animal resembling a cross between a whale(intuition, emotion) and a manatee. The explanation had something to do with water, diving deep and coming to the surface and being of two worlds.

Then the letter was opened up into a partially constructed log cabin. I stepped inside it as if crossing through a portal. The cabin (success via ones own means) was very small and not yet complete. The walls were up but you could see through the boards. I remember walking through it in awe thinking how perfect it was and commenting about the walls needing to be “sealed”.

I went upstairs and noted two small bedrooms both with closets. Downstairs was a small living area and across from it an unfinished area that I assumed was the master bedroom (intimate self). There was a section for a garage but it was not yet built as if I could decided to add one if I wanted – or not. The master bedroom was the main focus and I was talking to the man about where to construct the walls to separate it from the living room. There was an ornate bronze metal post in one area that acted as a support beam that could not be moved. It was significant in the dream, special as if a statue of some sort.

There was discussion with the man for a while about this house. He told me it was my gift. The feeling was that my spiritual circle wanted me to have it. There are many flashes of piles of logs for the cabin waiting to be placed. There is also a flash of a large bear (independence, strength, death/renewal) standing on his hind legs. The statue maybe? Or something else?

sea cow - Caribbean Dictionary


The dream felt significant so I couldn’t return to sleep. When I woke from the dream I heard, “We love you.” I remember various other messages. One was, “Strong woman”. Another was a song, If You Leave, specifically, “Heaven knows what happens now.” There was a sense that this “gift” was an opportunity. In fact the word, “opportunity”, kept repeating. I was also told, “Remember your heart.”

Houses are the Self in dreams. So was this gift a gift of Self? A new version waiting for the finishing touches? And why was the master bedroom not yet walled in? The bedroom is the private self but a master bedroom can be partnerships, like a marriage or relationship.

Dream: Alternate Realities

Upon returning to sleep I was shown various alternate realities to the life I am currently experiencing. I seemed to be selecting them and viewing them. One in particular depicted a very different outcome to the life I have now. In it I married my current husband and we had a daughter together. Then, for some reason or another, we divorced and our other two children were never conceived. I was able to inspect what caused the split. I viewed various scenes of arguments we had. What I concluded was that I was more outspoken, less cooperative in general and unwilling to “lose” a fight. My husband was similar to how he is now in his response to my stubbornness but because I never yielded and let him win, refusing to see his side of things, he often became enraged and ultimately put up a block to me emotionally. My selfish and stubborn choices ultimately resulted in the dissolution of our relationship.

There was no judgment here. I could see how I might respond in such a way. Stubborn and pig headed are good descriptors of me in my younger years. In fact, I am still very resistant but have soften substantially and learned many lessons over the years (in this life scenario anyway).

I also viewed a life trajectory where my husband and I split up and then reunited years later. And there was yet another life where we stayed married until we were very old and death was the cause of our separation.

I believe this dream was the result of a FB conversation I had yesterday about alternate realities. The sense was that what we choose to experience is only one out of many possible scenarios available to us.


Dream: Other Life

This dream seemed to be of another life altogether. In it I was with a man. We were actors playing the role of being in love. We often kissed and made love “on screen”. The man was extremely tall and broad shouldered with medium blonde hair. He had a deep voice that, to me, was very sexy (and somewhat familiar). During one of our kissing scenes I realized that I was attracted to my play partner and in love with him. This recognition caused me to look forward to every scene in which we kissed or had sexual relations. I shifted from being an actress into personifying my role.

I shifted into a scene where my partner took me to a gathering. It felt like an obligation and I was not looking forward to it. The place and people we visited had different rules and beliefs to our own. They were emotionally stiff and lived a simple life. They seemed similar to Puritans.

While sitting at a table my partner wandered off. Later, a man came up and told me that my partner had connected with his old friend again. Turns out it was a male friend and they were sexually involved. I didn’t care that he had done this and waited for his return.

There is a scene where I am looking through a refrigerator for food, specifically a burrito. I ended up putting two chicken (cowardice) strips in the oven and never finding the burrito (efficiency).

At the end of the dream I am laying in bed and my partner returns. I ask him how he enjoyed sex with a man, asking him specific questions. lol We laugh about the whole topic, him scooping me up in his arms and kissing me. I could feel our connection strongly in the dream, like a warm breeze that wrapped around me. I felt safe and secure in his arms and a beautiful friendship and deeply devoted love radiated from my heart. He threaded his fingers through my own and held my hand. The last thing I recall is a flash of the country scene through the window above the bed, feeling his hand in my own and the love in my heart.

Of course, the feeling woke me up. I could still feel him next to me. It was so very real!


My partner in spirit spoke with me for some time after. I recall him mentioning June 20th as connected to what is currently happening now. He also reminded me that the love and connection I felt in the dream is always there. I remember being upset by the fact that this place (physical experience) makes it so very difficult to remember and feel that love and Divine connection. I remember us discussing my wanting to abort, to leave early, and him reassuring me and telling me, “We will help you.”

June 20th

Curious about the date I was given and what, if any, significance it has, I looked in my private blog for any posts on that date. Of course, I found one! Here is part of it:

This dream started out with my ex-husband visiting me. It felt like he was returning to see if he and I could resume a relationship. His interest was a curiosity to me and it seemed like I was encouraging him to explore the option more. The main topic of discussion was his old pick-up (hard work), well two of them. When we met he had a red Nissan pick-up and then acquired a black Nissan pick-up later. I was asking him questions about the red one and trying to retrieve it to get it in working order. There was mention of selling it, too. In and among all this I was looking over my mom’s checkbook, balancing it. She ended up with only $40 left in her account.

Then I recall being inside a public bathroom (cleansing and clarity). I was in one of the stalls and there were numerous other stalls. Some women were brought in and I recognized they were being escorted in. The feeling here was that I wanted privacy.

The scene shifted and I was being taken into a processing or in-take center along with hundreds of other people, all adults. It was inside a large church (seeking guidance) and sometimes it shifted to be a Wal-Mart. I think this came from the many posts on FB I have been reading about illegals and their families being separated.

The main feeling I had was confusion. One minute I was living life and the next I was transported to an unfamiliar place with tons of other people. I had no idea where I was or where I was going or what was going to happen to me. I felt disoriented because of it and worried/anxious.

Everyone was separated by gender. I was taken with the other women and told to sit. I had in my hands a blue folder that was full of some of my information (clinging to my identity), places I had worked, old resumes, and other odds and ends. I held onto it happy that I had it with me. The information I had was that we were going to be transplanted, given jobs and new lives. I panicked a bit thinking of the type of work I would be given – substitute teacher, cashier, etc. I told the man who gave me my info packet, “I don’t have to work. My husband makes enough for our family.” He responded as if I was crazy saying, “We understand. You will be given an appropriate job. Don’t worry.” I kept thinking I didn’t want to work and worried about how I could get out it.

An older woman sat down next to me and I watched as she seemed to take it all in alongside me. The announcer was telling us to wait our turns and explaining that all would be provided for and be safe.

We were then eating dinner but I don’t recall eating, just the end. A person came by the take up our used dishes and took my water. I objected and he gave me the water to my right. I told him it wasn’t mine and he said it didn’t matter. He then gave me a canned sweet tea (contentment). I wondered why anyone would put sweet tea in a can. It didn’t appeal to me.

The older woman was still next to me and we were discussing our families and how to reconnect. For some reason my sister’s ex-husband’s name came to mind and I began to call out to see if anyone from that family was there with us. I walked around a bit but got no answers. I complained saying, “How can we ever find family when we are separated like this?” The separation was that the cafeteria (issues eating me up inside) room we were in was separate from the other rooms.

Then we were sitting on pews and someone was talking again. He was asking us to fill out our packets and explaining that we were receive our placements soon. I looked up at the ceiling and saw a section that might fall. I mentally pulled it down but it changed nothing. No one noticed.

One woman received her placement. She was being sent to Canada. I thought, “Wow. That is far away.” There was talk that if our family came to get us then we were be entrusted to their care and not have to be placed. I wondered if my family knew where I was. I hoped they would come get me but couldn’t figure how they would find me. Another woman mentioned that she got her placement but that her bus didn’t come until 12:30. She asked when that was and was told, “Good luck. That’s a late one.”

The announcer gave further instructions about the paperwork. He sat on a pew and said that we would put our two packets in piles, one on either side of him. He didn’t ask us to line up and I knew it would take a while for everyone to get their packets to him. His last instruction was that, in order to get an appropriate placement, we needed to pick a movie character that we would want to be. There was mention of an old movie from 1976 (year of my birth) and I thought it disagreeable, wondering why he would use it as an example.

In a panic to figure out what character to choose I thought of all the movie characters that might suit me. For some reason I came up with The Sound of Music and struggled to remember the main character’s name. I remembered in the end writing down, “Maria: The Sound of Music.”

When I woke I was still in a panic as it all felt very real. Like I had just been picked up and dropped in an unfamiliar place awaiting my fate. I felt powerless because I could not find anything or anyone that was familiar to me. My family was gone, unreachable. I was about to be placed somewhere and given a job. In my life I didn’t have to work yet I was to be put to work somewhere, to be given a new identity and life. It scared me.

Mostly I wondered why I chose Maria from The Sound of Music as my character. Did I want to be a nun that fell in love and left the church to raise all those kids and commit to her love? Did that somehow mean I was to be placed in a family and have to learn to love the children and their father? Was it somehow representative of my current situation? It seemed so.

Other Considerations

I can’t help but wonder about the purpose of all this dreamwork. The word, “opportunity” continues to come up yet I have this dead-end feeling following me around. I am familiar with the feeling so it is barely noticeable, but I do sense it. I continue to feel like I need to be doing something but then I lose interest or things don’t turn out. I don’t care how they turn out, which is an odd feeling to get use to. Normally I would be upset if I worked toward something and it fell apart. Now I am not phased by such things.

Lately, I have noticed a trend. A door seems to open to me in life, I go through it and then find it closes on me (not the right door). This is specifically noticed in regards to career. For example, I felt drawn to apply for the job at Vitamin Shoppe so I did. I went through the entire process only to have a position 30 minutes away offered, which was not a good fit for me. Then I went through the entire Tinkergarten hiring process (took me over a month to complete) only to be told in the end that they were full and would consider me for future openings if I so desired. Then, just recently as mentioned in my last post, a door opened to working at my husband’s place of employment. I went in yesterday and filled out all the paperwork, assured of my position in pay. Then, when my husband informed his boss of my pay she objected. No agreement has been reached thus far so I don’t know what is going to happen. My husband says he is going to leave it to his boss and withdraw. He was very upset and wanting to quit over what she said to him, which, I must admit, was very unprofessional and rude.

Even with yesterday’s turn of events I am not upset. I don’t mind that I went through the entire hiring process to have a hiccup over pay stop everything. I think, “So what.” LOL It was the same with Tinkergarten. That was the longest ever hiring process! It included an actual demo class I had to organize from start to finish. In the end I didn’t care that all that hard work didn’t pay off. Instead, I saw it as a learning experience, something that focused my attention for a while.

And these experiences are not limited to career. I keep being confronted with relationship and life issues that push my buttons to the point that I think I need to take action. Yet my gut tells me, “No”. I follow it, the feeling fades and I shift back to total acceptance. It is a continual return to the lesson of surrender and acceptance.

It seems to me that I am being “tested” via these experiences. The questions being asked are, “Can Dayna follow through with her ‘instructions’ without expectation? Can she trust the process entirely without doubt or resistance?”

It makes me wonder what the next test will be? It will be what it will be. I trust that whatever the intent of the next door that it will be purposeful and that I may never know the actual purpose in the end.


I know I have not written much on my personal spiritual journey for a long while, other than to post an OBE or two. Spiritual experiences continue, but are unclear initially and need much processing. Plus, I am observing the impermanence of experience and waiting for information to process – to solidify – before I share it. This goes against the grain of my previous personality, I know. Rest assured, the part of me that wishes to blurt out everything I experience is still here but has learned to stand down and allow the process to unfold. There is much wisdom to be found in patient observation. Patient – also a word that I would normally not use to describe myself. 🙂

This morning when I woke I had clarity where there has been none for quite a few weeks. Mercury retrograde threw me into the mind more than the norm and, thus, made it difficult for me to feel through situations as they arose. Thankfully, the incidents during retrograde were mostly minor in nature – a broken Smart TV and stove burner ignition – along with other materially-oriented irritations and annoyances. Anything material/physical was really pushing my buttons during the retrograde. Thankfully, it is over now.

I have been receiving messages for some time now about “the Event” everyone has been talking about. Honestly, I have not read anything online about it and other than my own, personal “event”, have not sought out any information. Regardless, my guidance has been nudging me toward understanding and provided some insight.


This morning a discussion was on-going but I only got a glimpse of the end of it. I was reminded of a friend of my sister’s who I also knew. His name was Wesley and he was a wild, free-spirit young man who had many inner demons he was avoiding confronting. He avoided them by taking drugs of all kinds and drinking alcohol. It was obvious he was an alcoholic and very self-destructive. It was as if he was out to kill himself via drugs/alcohol. In the time I knew him I witnessed his behavior and even one time passed on a message to him from his father who had died when he was younger. He was so overwhelmed by my message that he began to ask me how I knew and proclaimed my gift must be made up, composed of guesses that just happened to be truth. It deeply affected him, I could tell. Later that night he snorted cocaine and was wilder than ever.

I remember my sister telling me several years later of a horrible accident. Wesley had been on an island vacation partying as was his style. He was up on the fourth floor of the hotel, sitting on the railing and suddenly fell backward and over the rails. He ended up landing on a fence below, breaking his back and nearly dying. He ended up a quadriplegic, unable to move anything but his head.

Afterward, he fell into a deep depression. His girlfriend at the time ended up sticking by his side, dedicated to him to the point of marrying him post-accident. The last I heard he had regained use of his arms and was happily married and doing well despite his disability.

In remembering this man’s story I thought that he had been forced to confront his demons via life events. He was drunk and high when he fell and broke his back. The accident forced him to awaken to that which he was trying so desperately not to see. He followed the path of sobriety later and as a result the path of healing. I do not know how he is today but I feel that he is much wiser and more appreciative of life now.

A message I received from my guidance related to Wesley’s story was that sometimes, when we refuse to wake up to something, we have to force ourselves to awaken so that we see what it is that we need to see. In these instances a traumatic life event often is the “force” that awakens us.

My guidance and I discussed the trauma happening worldwide to wake up portions of the population. This goes hand-in-hand with a feeling I have been having about the collective. It seems that in order for collective humanity to wake up, something traumatic must occur. I sensed that there would be more trauma worldwide in the coming years last night. I remember thinking, “Apocalypse?” I heard back, “Not that bad but things will get worse.”

For a very long while I have had a Knowing that part of humanity will ascend and part will not. It seems that this ascension is coming to a “T”. The more force/pressure there is, the more people will react. It is just part of the process and a necessary one.

Other experiences I’ve had indicate that some will “see” the process as it occurs and be aware of the split timelines as they occur, while others will not.


Our discussion then turned to my past experiences related to and a result of December 2015 – the ever-dreaded “twin flame”-type experience. Now, on the other side of such an experience, I have so much more perspective. I am able to see very clearly the true nature of such connections and the lessons they provide. The energy dynamics are especially obvious. Not only is there an unhealthy, obsessive need to connect and be with the other person but the imbalance created in the energy body in and of itself is phenomenal! It is a completely illogical process meant to thrust a person directly into full-awareness and confrontation of their inner demons. It is, in essence, a “traumatic” experience. 😉

I sensed through it all “this is not good for me” yet at the same time I knew it could teach me something and I chose to submit fully to the experience rather than resist it. This decision, as it turns out, was the right one.

Ultimately, the experience taught me about extremes and how to choose the middle path of balance. Duality is all about extremes and the best way to navigate through it is to seek the middle road – the path of balancing those extreme energies – or as my guidance says, “Follow the 8 winds”. In the end, the only way to recover from the “twin flame” experience was to surrender fully to it.

I think what most people don’t get, because I didn’t get it, is the act of surrender and what it truly consists of. It is not “giving up” or “giving in”. The very act of giving up implies that you “lose” something, that you are “wrong” or made a “mistake”. This consideration in and of itself will prevent full surrender from ever occurring. Surrender doesn’t mean you lose or fail. Surrender means you are seeking to be one with the experience. When you can do this, you have entered into- merged with – full acceptance.

The tendency is to approach surrender from the mind – to mentally “surrender” via affirmations or decisions to surrender or let go. This doesn’t work. True surrender doesn’t occur via the mind. Mental constructs only serve to build up resistance. Construct = construction = build up. We need to tear down, de-construct. It is all via feeling, via our energy, that progress is made. The mind is just an afterthought and distraction.

I cannot put into words what complete surrender is other than what I wrote above. It just IS and until you experience it for yourself you will not fully grock it. The feeling of it, when it occurs, is peaceful and flowing. There is absolutely no resistance. The energy body becomes relaxed and fully open and receptive. It is a full energetic body experience. There is no rigidity to the experience whatsoever. You would be completely happy existing within that state for eternity, even when it is something that your human self would reject completely. Because as Spirit, all states of existence are equal.

Get it?

Only when you fully embrace it will you be freed of it.

This is why traumatic experiences are often the ones that have the most lasting effects upon us while in the physical body. We resist so intensely things we see as “bad” that we must be thrust directly into them against our will to finally recognize their “badness” is not so bad. And if we really allow the experience then the “bad” definition vanishes and it just IS.

The same goes for the “good”, sought-after experiences. We recognize the experience just IS, do not attach and cling, and can experience it in the moment without worrying about the loss of it being replaced by the “bad”. We realize that within the realm of Time, nothing lasts but that everything is also everlasting. We are guaranteed the experience again – good or bad.

It is being “present” but as a Beingness…….it is a presence we take on – an energy we embody and carry with us. This is brought to us by our Higher Selves during the ascension process. The more of our HS we take in, the more we Be-come and the easier it is to remain balanced between the extremes of this dualistic reality/experience. We bring into Time the memory and Being-ness of timelessness.

It is the only way to ascend. There is no other path but right through the middle.

In regards to worldwide ascension, all of the above applies. Everyone will have to, at one point or another, learn the lesson of surrender. Whether they need one or many “traumatic” experiences is up to the individual. Some will be resistant and stay on repeat until either they complete and ascend or they complete in other ways (remain in the 3D loop to try again in another life).

The analogy of the funnel can be used to describe the process. We have been traveling down the funnel for a while now as is part of the evolutionary path of this planet. As we enter the narrowest part of the funnel and transfer through to the other side, the pummeling intensifies. Thus, “traumatic” events intensify in both quantity and quality. This will not only be noticed in individual experiences but also worldwide. The moment of the “event” is when the narrowest portion of the funnel is surpassed and the other side is reached.

Much love to you all on your journey through the funnel. Think of it as a waterslide. Throw your hands up over your head, scream at the top of your lungs, and take the plunge.



More on Impermanence

I came across an article today and wanted to share it with you all. It is called Lessons from a Wildfire.

The article further explores impermanence, something I continue to be drawn to and reminded of as I follow my life path.

Impermanence goes very well with another Buddhist teaching – the 8 Worldly Winds. Ever since I my guidance advised me to “follow the 8 winds” I have been repeatedly taken back to the 8 Worldly Winds. If you are not familiar with the 8 winds in Buddhism, here is a short description.

Rather than go into a personal story about the above teachings in my own life experience, I will leave these articles for you to peruse and apply to your own life as needed and/or desired.

Much love to you all. ❤



The Best Path is Your Own

It is seldom that I feel like blogging these days. At first, it felt wrong, like I was letting all of you down by not posting my thoughts, insights and experiences. I have since realized that it is merely that I no longer feel I need external acceptance and validation. Where my morning routine once consisted of sometimes more than one hour of dedicating a part of myself – my energy – to blogging, now that time and energy is entirely dedicated to stabilizing and grounding my energy through a dedicated yoga practice.

I wanted to share with you all what nearly 8 weeks of daily yoga practice has taught me. Firstly, yoga forces you to feel your body and energy. It brings to the surface thoughts and mind chatter – similar to meditation. The main difference, however, is that yoga, through its various asanas, assists you in feeling the energy pathways of your body.

Previously I thought I was good at sensing my own energy and blockages. Well now I know that my awareness of my physical and energetic bodies was – is still – juvenile compared to the mature sense that it could – SHOULD – be.

I have just recently begun to notice during my daily practice the areas where energy is stuck or not moving. It reveals itself via a feeling of resistance. For example, I wrote in my yoga journal just today:

When I do JM (Joint Mobility) drills I notice certain energy flows that are resistant. It makes me feel tense and then with acknowledgment it releases. Sometimes I have several of these resistant flows throughout JM drills. Most of the resistance is around my hips.

Joint mobility drills are a precursor to my yoga practice, preparing my body for movement. They are simplistic but extremely important. The resistance reveals itself in many forms, the most common being a physical tenseness with a holding in of breath, but a short second would be that my thoughts muddle up or become clouded.

Inevitably, by the end of my 30 minute practice I feel grounded, clear, and exceptionally happy compared to before my practice. If I wake feeling anxious or grumpy, yoga completely shifts me out of that state and into present time. Thankfully, I have been waking up feeling optimistic and excited for the day for weeks now. It is rare that I wake up feeling negative these days.

I wanted to share with you a video that was shared on FB by one of my online friends this morning. It explains why I am experiencing the changes that I am and I hope it sways those of you who do not participate in a regular yoga practice to do so.

The Best Path is Your Own

Now I want to shift gears and share with you a lesson I am learning within my own family. Before I do so, however, I want to share how I was led to awareness of this lesson.

When I experienced my soul exchange I came into contact and then merged with my Higher Self, a part of me that has always been with me but has been unable to fully join me within this vessel/body for various reasons I will not go into now. This “Higher Self” is a compilation of all aspects of me – it is not one Being or Being-ness but a conglomeration of all Being-nesses from various vibrations and frequencies spanning all of Me that has been, will be and currently IS within this Time space. So with merging with ALL of Me I was shown my present life circumstance (relationships, locations, connections, lessons, etc) and its purpose within the bigger and much broader picture that is my existence and spans all of ME.

To grasp finally why I am where I am and experiencing what I am was in and of itself an awakening for various reasons. With this understanding came total acceptance and willingness to experience anything. “Good” and “Bad” mattered not. Where previously I was resistant because of my own wants/desires (Ego) I now am willing and open to completing what I started.

The main component of this acceptance came in understanding the purpose behind my marriage. Previously I had resisted my relationship to my husband, seeing only our differences and concluding that our paths had diverged. Since the exchange, however, I am resolute in my promise to fulfill the contract I have with my husband not only for my own growth and advancement but his. In fact now, his growth comes before my own, where previously my own would have superseded his.

As if to bring into my mental awareness all I have just stated above, articles and posts online were brought to my attention. One such article is by Ram Dass – How do we awaken in a way that doesn’t push away those we love? 

When I read the article I was first reminded of something my “partner” (this is my Companion, my guidance, my HS) has been telling me ever since the exchange. When I inquire as to why I feel unable to share some things I hear, “DO NO HARM.” And this message comes through loud and clear in Ram Dass’ article.

But also this, “Another way of saying this is that those people that you are with, because of your karma, because of the nature of things, you start to work with their presence. They become your curriculum.”

I understood when reading this that I am being asked to participate in the lesson that is my life, my marriage and all that it entails. By rejecting it, by resisting it and making excuses as to why I need to disconnect from my life, I have been delaying not only my own progress, but his and my children’s.

This morning this message was further expounded upon via a text conversation with my husband. He has his own spiritual path, one that I have also traveled but I mostly dabble in, using aspects that I agree with and ignoring the rest. Our differences have long been a source of our disagreements and thus have been, unfortunately, the focus when they should not have been.

My husband recently had a setback on his path. This is a part of our text conversation this morning:

“The biggest win from this trip is knowing I have you in my corner when push comes to shove. It certainly gives me a New Perspective. I guess I kind of got knocked off my “high horse” a little bit! Sometimes one realizes maybe they aren’t the smartest one after all. Perhaps your alternative path is even better than my own.”

I replied, “The best path is your own.”

Our conversation triggered huge understanding on my part and all of what I wrote above came together, bringing Clarity.

One final thing I want to communicate. For those of you struggling right now (the energies have been off the charts intense), please know that all your work is not in vain. You are progressing. You will get there. The answers really do lie within. Look within for all you are seeking. Everything is within you. The process is not active. It is not a DO-ing. It is a BE-ing. Embrace everything you are – the Dark, the Light, the scary, the intoxicating. Fall into it. Surrender to it. The feeling will fool you into thinking it will destroy you. It won’t. It burns away the lies and deception and leaves only the Truth.

I love you all.