Not on the “Volunteer List”

My heart palpitations have not gone completely. They are much improved now that I don’t drink caffeine, but they’re not gone. The other night I had a mild panic attack because of them. My skin is still itchy, though less so than it was. I am also still more tired in the evenings than usual, sleeping so deep that sometimes I wake up panicked. I also have evidence now of the heart rate abnormalities. I track my sleep and my heart rate spiked to 145bpm one night not long ago. I don’t remember it, but it happened.

I’ve decided not to visit a doctor about it. Why? Because, if this is what my mom has, they will prescribe me a medication that will need to be taken for the rest of my life. I don’t want to do that. I would rather just tolerate the palpitations. There is a surgery that can be done, but I’m not interested in that, either. Palpitations lead to an increased risk of stroke and heart attack. Bring it on! I’ve already been here longer than I would like and I am especially miserable now. 

There is little that remains of my spiritual experiences these days. Everything is mundane and boring. I’m back to the beginning, back to when life wasn’t magical. Back when there were no adventures into the unknown world of Spirit. The difference is now I know the magic and adventure exists but I cannot access it. 

I’ve decided if this is how the rest of my life will be, I want no part in it. If I can’t at least escape this world in the night via my dream explorations, if I am denied access to Spirit and all the wonderful mysterious of the Beyond, I don’t want to be here. Losing all of the above has been devastating. There is nothing in this mundane, boring, negative world that sparks interest in me. I just….exist.

As a 6/2 profile (Human Design), this is a difficult time in my life. Ra says that if the 6th line can’t navigate the last stage of their life, when they come “down from the roof ” and rejoin the world, then they often do not live beyond the age of 60. I’m fast approaching that third stage. This year starts the preparatory years leading up to age 50 and my Chiron return. 

When I read what Ra said about 6th lines I immediately thought, “I will be one of those who doesn’t make it”. This is because I have no interest in rejoining a world like this one. I’ve never actually been keen on this world. From my earliest years I’ve been asking – begging – to go Home. My focus has always been on “the end” from the beginning. I’m the kid in the backseat asking repeatedly, “Are we there yet?” 

And I can honestly say I don’t like most people. I am tired of pretending to like them, too. I’ve given up on trying to help. They don’t listen and they don’t want my help, so why bother? 

If my dreams are still any indicator of what is to come (unlikely but I can hope), then it appears I am preparing to exit this life sooner rather than later.

Dream: Clearing Out My Classroom (5/14/23)

I was a teacher and it was the last day of school. I wasn’t returning the next school year so had to clear out my classroom. The thing is, my classroom didn’t resemble a classroom inside but a house!

The first place I cleared out was the kitchen. I removed all the items from the shelves. As I was looking over my work and checking to make sure the drawers and shelves were empty, I noticed flowers growing from the window sill. I said something about leaving behind flowers. I could see purple ones blooming, their roots firmly embedded in the wood of the window. 

I found a box of baking soda and decided to leave it and sprinkle some on the shelves. I also left behind a small, rusted, heart shaped cake pan, setting it in the center of one of the shelves. 

Then I walked towards the living room and decided to grab things to pack away as I walked. There were family pictures lining the shelves. I grabbed each one and stacked them in my arms. There was also a massive mirror I took down and set on its size. I remember thinking it weighed much less than I thought it would. 

At the end of the dream I was in the hallway after shutting my now empty classroom/house. I looked around, noticing how empty and quiet it was. It appeared I was the only one left in the building. This is when I woke up. 

When I woke I felt very good, very peaceful and calm. It seemed like the dream was me contemplating ending a phase of life – or maybe ending life. The feeling I had in the dream was similar to how I’ve felt when I’ve left schools at the end of the school year knowing I wasn’t going to return. It always felt good knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with the BS of the job, the people, and the schedule. Such a relief!

The symbolism of the dream seems to point at an end to life. The classroom is my house, or soul-self in this lifetime. I go through and clear out everything. I leave behind baking soda, which is used to keep spaces smelling good by absorbing bad odors. This could be my attempt to cleanse the space. Then I leave behind a rusty old, heart-shaped cake pan. I obviously don’t think I need it anymore. The cake pan is likely what is left of my attempts to create love. I take down all the family pictures, placing them face down in a pile in my arms. I don’t linger and look at them wistfully. I just want them gone. I also remove a massive mirror. I never look at my reflection in it, I just take it down and lay it on the floor.

The feeling of relief at leaving the classroom in the end is what was more memorable. I felt so at peace with it. 

Dream: Not on the Volunteer List

The dream starts outside on city streets. I am both present and an observer. I see a couple of women approach another woman. There is a verbal confrontation. The women verbally threaten the other woman. I can feel the emotions of the threatened woman. She is shaken and tense, unsure and anxious. 

Then I am watching the previously threatened woman enter a classroom. A short, plump woman with blonde hair approaches her. She is the teacher. I can experience the emotions of the teacher, who seems to be the teacher. She senses that the woman who just entered has had a rough morning. She immediately soothes her and escorts her to a sofa and grabs a blanket. She tells the woman to rest and pulls the blanket around her for comfort. I can feel what the teacher feels. She is extremely concerned and she cries for the other woman. It feels like I’m the one crying.

The teacher is very pleasant and in high spirits. She enjoys her job and she emits a light which illuminates the entire space. It is clear this “class” provides more than just information.

The next student who enters requires a special device to perceive her environment that looks like a camcorder. The teacher greets her warmly. It appears the girl is special needs, specifically hearing impaired. 

Others enter. They are all ages and genders. Some are more talkative while others are subdued. There is a couple who enter who are very chatty. The woman is cutting out a picture using some curved shears. I am suddenly a participant and ask the woman about her shears. She hands them to me to try. I begin to cut and the woman’s partner becomes anxious, worried I will cut outside the lines. I sense his anxiety and decided to put down both the shears and the item I am cutting. His anxiety vanishes.

The teacher then calls to the class. She has a list and is talking about an upcoming event. She is asking for volunteers. One woman says she will bring bread but says, “The kind with gluten”. lol I look on the list and see the item “Bread” and there is no blank to write the gluten part but the woman’s name is there. There are other items on the list, which is very long. Some still have no name beside them. I remember thinking, “No point in putting my name on the list. I won’t be here.” There was finality in this thought.

Then there was discussion about the schedule. I only remember that the time class was done for the day would get the students to the bus by 4:55pm. I remember panicking and looking at my watch because I thought it was already well past that time. The time on my watch was a few minutes before 4pm.

Tears

At a later time I wake up crying but can’t really recall why. I only remember that I had been singing. I lingered in bed a while pondering my tears and the dreams of the night. 

I seldomly sing these days. Singing use to bring me such joy. I have so little joy left. Even thinking of singing feels pointless. If I was crying because of singing, it doesn’t surprise me. The tears were probably tears of relief, relief at finally feeling something positive. 

A Hellish 10 Days

How is everyone? The eclipse energies and whatever else was going on alongside it was intense, wasn’t it? For me, particularly, it was quite a challenge.

First, there was the mental torture. I did it to myself, of course. My monkey-mind was very, very difficult to shut down. I kept thinking that I needed to act on the repetitive thoughts, because, well they were repeating. As someone with a completely open head center (Human Design) this is a very bad idea. The head center is a pressure center. This means that there is a sense that one should act on the thoughts they are having. But this center doesn’t have the means in and of itself to take any action. It just exerts pressure. Without being connected to an energy center that can take the thoughts and put them into action, the pressure just sits there saying, “DO SOMETHING”. An open head center is like a radio station that never tunes to one channel for very long. The channels constantly change; a constant flow of random thoughts and ideas. So, I have never-ending mind chatter as a rule and the key is to ignore it.

Unfortunately, I didn’t ignore it and it made some unnecessary waves in my life. Thankfully, the waves settled on their own. I could’ve done without the drama, though. Bleh!

On top of all the above, I had some crazy physical symptoms that came out of the blue all at once and with an intensity that had me worried I would have to go to the ER. I know for a fact that my monkey mind created some of it, but at the time I didn’t see the connection.

The physical issues that arose were numerous. The most concerning were the heart palpitations. I’ve had experience with them in the past but never like this. To give you an idea of how frequent they occurred, in a 30 minute window I noted 6 incidences and this was while I was fairly calm, standing at my desk doing work. In comparison, my past experiences would be one or two as I settled down to sleep. The palpitations never came with any other symptoms – no chest pain, no breathing difficulty, no light-headedness – so I just monitored them and changed my intake of caffeine to see if it would help. Two days after cutting all caffeine, the palpitations decreased significantly. Now, at day five they are all but gone. Yay!

One night, however, I was awakened by a bad dream and a pounding heart that wouldn’t settle after waking. In the dream I had taken a young boy hostage and was torturing him (eeek!). I decided to let him go because I didn’t want to kill him. When I did, I immediately regretted my decision and became frantic as I attempted to clean up all traces of me from the crime scene. However, I knew I didn’t have enough time and began to freak out in the dream. When I woke my heart rate was around 100BPM and it took about a half hour for it to settle down.

As a result of the heart palpitations I was constantly staving off panic attacks. Ugh! I became a super-hermit as a result. lol

I had also been feeling more tired in the evenings. It was the tired like I took a sleeping pill when I didn’t. The fatigue would hit me around 8pm, so it didn’t impact my day. Then I would sleep really, really deeply.

I’ve also been extremely angry to the point that I struggle to hold it back. I had a wall of emotion break through and behind it was the anger. Loads and loads – a lifetime of anger.

I’ve also had really itchy arms and eczema. Ugh! So annoying! Thankfully, this is also subsiding now.

In order to ease the physical and mental symptoms, I began to meditate more, take afternoon naps and just increase overall self-care. I even did some Reiki self-healing, which I rarely do.

Thankfully, all of the above has settled. My mind is quieter and I feel calmer in general, the fatigue in the evenings has vanished, my heart palpitations are nearly non-existent and my eczema is clearing. My sleep is back to normal, also, with more frequent waking and better dream recall. The anger is still present, but no longer threatening to overflow. I now need to find a way to release it without negatively impacting those around me.

Dreams

Two distinct dreams from early this morning.

Fairies

In the first one, I was visiting a cavern with my Mom, her husband and my brother. My brother was young, maybe 10 years old. I arrived early when something caught my eye. It was some kind of machine and there were these small, white, fluffy creatures flying around it that resembled a dandelion capitulum. They appeared to be alive, like fairies or butterflies. I tried to take photos and video and my phone froze after a few pics. So, I watched the little fairies, fascinated. They soon transformed into these flat, round, blobs that stuck to the side of the tower. Each had circular nodules poking out of the tops. I was fascinated by them so when Mom arrived I showed her and she said my sister had played that game. I guess it was a half real/half simulated video game of some kind? 

Then Mom and I left and I asked about waiting for her husband and my brother. She said he would call and meet up with us later. We were walking outside in a parking lot but then shifted to inside a space. There, she was going through pots and pans and I had memory of  my sister asking me, through tears, if I had a pasta pot she could have because she lost hers. I mentioned it to Mom and then had memory of a pot and pan I had given Mom a long time ago. It was from early in my marriage. 

Then, we were sitting next to each other talking, but when I turned to look at my mom, she wasn’t there, a blonde man was. He was showing me some wounds on his arms and I saw a circular spot of blood on his blue jeans. I asked, “Did I do that to you?” He laughed and said I hadn’t. Then, without warning, I felt an energy from him that was very attractive and full of love. It washed over me and I leaned toward him as he leaned towards me. We were about to embrace when the energy woke me up. It swirled around my entire body for a bit before I returned to sleep.

Beauty Knows Beauty

This dream began with a story and visual of a young woman. She had been in an accident that had ripped half of her scalp off. After surgery she was almost completely bald. I was told and saw how she had to use makeup and to fill in the bald spots. The hair she had was mostly stubble. I watched as she meticulously filled in bald spots in the front with makeup. I remember thinking she actually looked good and thinking others would get use to her looking that way.

Then I was in a salon. I believe I was both an observer and the participant because I shifted perspectives quite often. The bald girl was me and I was there to get a wig fitted. Then I was standing next to the stylist showing her how long to make the extensions for a black woman (also me). The extensions were extremely long and needed to be trimmed.  

When the black woman’s hair was done she looked beautiful with her new extensions. However, her hair shifted from black to pure white as did her fake eyelashes. As I saw this, the stylist came up to me and put fake eyelashes on me. I laughed because I don’t wear them usually. One wouldn’t stick and I tried to put it back, holding it in my hands for a second to look at it. One second it was black and the next it was white. I never got to see my reflection but was staring at the black woman who now had white hair and lashes.

The stylist, also black, and the other black woman sat and chatted with me like we were good friends. They asked me if I was married and I confirmed I was. They asked how long and I said, “Since 1997, but I’m on my second marriage.” They asked how it was going and I said, “Okay, but as soon as someone better comes along I’m leaving.” We all laughed in unison. One woman was about to ask another question but I interrupted and said, “Do you mind me asking you both something? Why is it that men don’t know how to pleasure a woman?” They laughed in understanding. The answer I got was a sense that the other women knew it as an accepted fact. It also felt like part of the answer was that women were far superior to men when it came to intimacy and connection. Though we know this we don’t boast about it or try to make less of the men. It is a lesson in patience, understanding and acceptance. 

Then, the woman who had white hair was the focus. Her hair was black again and she was upset. I remember reassuring her that she was beautiful. She said, “How do you know? You’re not God.” I replied, “The beauty in me sees the beauty in you.” I wiped the tears from her cheeks as she smiled in gratitude.

Interpretations

My sense of the first dream is that I was being taken in my subconscious (caverns). The “fairies” represent those things which are curious and magical. They shed light on the “games” I enjoy in waking reality. The ending is a reminder of the love available to me.

The second dream feels to be a reflection on inner versus outer beauty. I saw beauty in both women who I also became through the course of the dream. The bald woman and the black woman were both version of myself who I found beautiful in their own distinct ways. The message I gave the woman at the end was also a message to myself. A reminder of what true beauty is.

Lucid K Dream: Teach Me?

I’m still considering a return to Costa Rica. Yesterday, I spoke with my SIL about it and she is happy to host me for as long as I need. She also has more cabanas available to choose from. One is located right on the beach! When I imagined returning to Costa Rica, I saw myself in a cabana on the beach, so I must have manifested it. 🙂 Her horse ranch is just across the road from the cabana, so I would still be close to her and the horses.

I still haven’t bought a ticket and made my trip official. I have some things to sort out first. If I do go, it looks like it will be around the first week in June.

Last night I was blessed with lucidity again. 🙂

Lucid K Dream: Teach Me?

I was at a school inside a brightly lit classroom. I wasn’t a teacher but seemed to be observing what was going on. It was either between classes or before or after school because there weren’t many students present and there was no formal teaching happening. Instead, the few inside were cleaning up and chatting. 

Exiting the classroom, I stood outside looking at student artwork on the walls. A particular piece caught my eye. It was just stick people and lines; very rudimentary. Yet, as I looked at it, a dot began to travel on its own around the paper. Curious, I looked closer, not believing my eyes. I inspected the piece, checking for abnormalities, but couldn’t find any.

A teacher passing by saw my interest. I told him it moved. He showed me how groves had been made in the cardboard backing to make it seem like it was moving on its own. He also laughed and said it was a particular student who liked playing pranks on people. This was just one example of how the student fooled around.

Still, though, I was suspicious. I thought for sure the school was haunted. 

I went home and climbed into my bed, pulling my covers securely around me. This is where I began to gain lucidity in the dream. Secure in my comfy bed, my thoughts were on the artwork, the boy and what I had just encountered at the school. 

To my surprise, I felt an hand softly touch me on the back and then an entire arm tucked itself under me. Someone was attempting to spoon with me. In that moment I knew: 1. I was in my bedroom, in my bed and 2. no one was in the bed with me, and 3. I must be dreaming. 

Not afraid at all, I turned to see who it was that had climbed into bed with me, thinking, “I want to know who’s there”. I was aware that my usual response to such things it to just lay still and see what, if anything happens. I didn’t want to do the “same ol’ thing”. To my surprise, a very bright-faced, white-blonde haired, young man sat up as I turned to confront him. He had a big smile on his face and his eyes were twinkling. I didn’t recognize him but figured he must be the student whose artwork had caught my attention earlier.

He communicated with me but all I recall are pictures and understanding. A visual of three images, side-by-side, came to my mind. It was somewhat similar to a slot machine in the way it was presented. I can’t recall the pictures but one represented the connecting/communicating via the internet and another was physical connection/communication. I can’t remember the third at all. Maybe spiritual communication? I was to select one. I picked the one on the far right. 

It was also communicated that this young man wanted me to teach him the ropes of sexual communication. Since he appeared far too young, which felt inappropriate, I asked him, “Make yourself 18 or older.” lol I can’t remember if he did or not. He then prepared himself, leaning down, his face aimed at my crotch. I laughed and told him, “Not like that.” He asked, “No?” as if he thought sex was done via the mouth. I pointed to his crotch, still amused. 

I then showed him how it was done and climbed onto his lap. All I recall from that point on is my chakras lighting up one after the other. When my third chakra lit up I felt the familiar energy of returning to my physical body. The energy lingered in my third chakra for some time after.