Current Happenings and More Anxiety

It’s been a busy last few days and it will just get busier with the Thanksgiving holiday and my wedding anniversary next week. This week went fast with all that was scheduled in. On Thursday my morning was spent having Thanksgiving lunch with my kids at their school. Yesterday there was a poems and pies event that the 1st graders presented (my son’s grade level) and my mom and brother joined us. Today we have a family photo session booked, the first in three years.

Me and my daughter at her school for Thanksgiving lunch.

Goodbye Braces!

Friday was a big day for me. I got my braces removed! I had them for 18 months, 6+ of which was to correct an overbite. I still have a slight overbite because I am missing one of my lower front teeth. It’s genetic/hereditary and the tooth has never been there. However, I could care less. I just wanted to fix my top teeth which have been crooked since my teens.

Here are before/after images. Most of you probably see no issue with my before image but after years of hiding my smile and being called “snaggle tooth” (lovingly) by my family and friends I finally fixed my smile. According to my orthodontist, fixing my bite was the best thing I could have done because it was wearing away the tops of my lower teeth. By my 60s-70s it was likely I would have had worn down my lower, front teeth to nothing but jagged stubs.

What is interesting about my braces coming off is that over a year ago, when in the midst of some intense life lessons, I recall thinking about my future and the timing of certain life decisions/events – decisions I badly wanted to make but felt would be “too soon” if I did. At the time I kept thinking, “I need to wait until my braces come off.” I convinced myself it was because it would be more convenient and left it at that. However, during the days leading to the day they actually were removed the memory of that decision/thought from way back in 2016 returned to me as if saying, “The time is near.” Could I have somehow known something significant way back then was connected to this time in my life? IDK, I guess I will know soon enough.

Anxiety

Last night my husband and I went to another of his company functions to celebrate the company’s success. The company does this frequently and I’ve attended several already this year. The celebration began at the Roaring Fork restaurant and after we attended a performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard at the The Paramount Theatre.

I had a pretty good time but, like the last two events, I had a drink and it brought on anxiety. This time, however, I opted to not finish my drink and was able to stave off the anxiety for the most part. After I gave my drink away (lol) I continued to have waves of panic hit but they were moderate to low. The feeling that would come over me was that I suddenly heard every noise loudly and my senses in general felt overloaded. It was as if I was overly aware of every.single.person in the room.

By the time we were in the Paramount watching the show, the anxiety was still threatening and I finally had to close my eyes and imagine myself within a sphere of golden light/protection. I did this with the suspicion that my anxiety was being fueled by my being too open and thus feeling “exposed” because by that point there was no alcohol in my system. To my surprise my protection visualization worked and all anxiety vanished as if it was never there. However, afterward I got super tired to the point of hardly being able to keep my eyes open. We ended up leaving during the intermission and missing the second half of the show.

I am coming to the conclusion that alcohol is a no-no for me now. I have come to that conclusion before but continue to shrug it off and try it out again and again with the same results. Sigh. Why can’t I just enjoy a glass of wine or a margarita every once in a while!?

It may also be that I am having my “one drink” when in social situations and it somehow causes me to be too wide open and so overwhelms me. Last night it felt like I was lost in a crowd, like there was a sea of faces and thoughts that were about to drown me. I would feel light headed and dizzy and then fight it only to have the feeling come on again. It really sucked.

The performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard was really good, however. There were only three people on the stage – Hubbard, his son on guitar and another guy on the drums. The acoustics were perfect – not too loud – and it made one feel like I was sitting around in a circle “jamming” with the band. I thought, “Now this is MY kind of concert!” And Hubbard was funny and talented and made the audience feel like his old buddy.

There was a song he sang with a phrase that really hit home. The phrase was “And the days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations…Well, I have really good days”. The song was Mother Blues. In hearing that I thought, “This guy Knows.”

Other Things

I continue to have odd Knowings that I shrug off for the most part. I am too busy to give them much notice. One day, however, I woke up and had a really strong Knowing that led me to shed a few tears. This was the day after I got the dream message that a “Northern” was coming in. A family upset had occurred that same night that was very much like a “storm” and the next morning I woke up in a funk over it. Later, I stumbled upon this post which helped explain what I was feeling.

The same day, while browsing the web for job openings, I discovered the perfect position and so applied straight away. I have pretty much decided that the only way for me to move forward now is to get back to work regardless of what it might mean for me and my future. I have it clear in my mind the requirements of my next position. I find when I am specific of what I want that it does come to me in time. The amount of time can vary but it always comes exactly when it is needed/meant to.

This all goes along with the message I received not long ago: Reach. Hiding from life, fearful of what might come next, is no way to live. The fear is understandable for me. I have been through so much and the recovery is ongoing. But no one can heal when they hide from life. Hiding is not healing, it is hurting. One must REACH for what they want even if it is scary, even if it might lead to more hurt or disappointment. The only time one truly lives is when there is risk involved. Anything else is not really living.

Every man dies, not every man truly lives. ~ William Wallace, Braveheart