January 6 Dreams

Halfway through 12 days of dream journaling. Not feeling especially convinced that my dreams are a reflection of the coming 12 months. But then who knows? If they are, thus far May seems to be a humdinger and June not much better.

I’ve been sleeping really well at least. Deep, restful sleep that makes me want to linger in bed, warm and cozy, dozing on and off for as long as possible. This morning I wished I could sleep forever.

Dream: Tall Grass

Much of this dream is hazy but I recall enough of it to recount it. I remember driving through an unfamiliar city and going into a restaurant. My children were on my mind and so I ordered takeout for them on my way out because I knew when I got home they would be hungry. I ordered three hot dogs (masculinity and sexual energy) and remember they were just tossed together in a bag so that the wieners and buns were separated (disconnect with masculine side or sexuality).

Then I was in the car (life path). My husband was driving (husband in control) and we to go pick up my daughter. I protested saying we needed to pick up our other child and it made more sense to go get him now since we were closer. He argued a bit and then ignored me so I gave up trying to convince him otherwise, accepting that we would be late. The road ahead was dark and seemed long and unfamiliar (venturing into unknown, fear, apprehension).

The dream shifted again and I was walking with a group of people. I think my mom and step-father were with me. We walked past an old man who was obviously a bit senile (waste of ability) because he was jabbering to himself. Concerned that he may be lost I retrieved him and brought him with us as we walked. My mom questioned me about this and I said it was the right thing to do. She didn’t object.

We walked for a while, me alongside the old man. He appeared to be getting better. He was acknowledging my kindness, thanking me and talking about bible study. I remember my mom and step-father interrupting because of a specific course they were signed up for. The old man said the $50 course was worthless because the men who taught it no longer went to their church. It was $50 down the drain. My mom mentioned that they might as well tear up their course packets.

By this time we had made it to a vast field of very green, neck high grass (protection). It was grass unlike any I had ever seen. I waded through it, unable to see ahead of me because the grass was too tall, and worried of what I might be stepping on/in because I couldn’t see the ground either. The old man was ahead of me and I heard him caution me about stopping. He said if anyone stopped for too long then their face and jawline would be covered in biting gnats (nagging or annoying issues) that caused severe pain. I remember seeing a visual in my mind of a bird-like jawline being attacked by tiny gnats. It didn’t look painful but I didn’t want to find out so I kept moving but never made it out of the grass because I woke up.

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Dream: Singing Our Song

This dream began in the living area of my grandparent’s underground house. I was standing in front of a man I recognized but memory of his face is hazy now. We were having a heart-to-heart, catching up and expressing our feelings about our shared situation. My memory of our interaction is hazy. I mainly recall him by his energy.

The part of our conversation that is clear to me is him saying to me, “I’m sorry, but I can’t wait for you anymore.” I could feel his emotion and knew he was genuine in his apology. The feeling from him was that it was unfair for him to wait around, stalling his life and happiness, until I could figure things out. Not realizing he was doing this I immediately felt awful for holding him back. That was never my intention.

He continued to apologize, specifically for causing me pain. I can’t recall his exact words but it was something like, “If I had known I was hurting you I would have let you be.” The feeling from him was that he had been wracked with guilt over our situation. I understood all to well – “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” Or as my guides pointed out to me at one point, “Quite a conundrum you have.” Yeah and that’s an understatement.

I could feel the emotion behind his words. I could not deny the pain I experienced but I did not blame him. I saw the pain as a part of the process; unavoidable considering the circumstances and necessary to the process.

I went up to him, caressed his cheek and said, “It was worth it. And I would do it over and over again.” With my words I communicated much more. My memory here is of how it felt in that moment. I wanted him to know that the love I had/have for him was well worth every.single painful moment. I also let him know that it was okay for him to move on. He didn’t have to wait for me. I didn’t want him to wait for me. I wanted him to be happy.

It felt like goodbye but I knew it wasn’t. It was merely that we had different “courses” (“we have different courses” is what I remember saying in the dream at one point).

There was so much more going on behind the dream it is mind boggling! I saw a chart of some kind, similar to a timeline, like a life path or (haha) “course”. There were rectangular boxes indicating moments along this line of varying widths and heights. There were two boxes that were double, maybe triple, the size of the other boxes. These represented our time together. Beyond the two boxes the sizes again shrunk, indicating a divergence.

What is interesting is the way I experienced the emotion of our communication. Though we were talking in words we were also singing the most beautiful duet I have ever heard. I heard a melody and words but they are lost to my memory now. However, what I do remember about the song we sang was that it made the entire space we occupied vibrate. Not only could I feel it but I could also hear it. It was in the background throughout our conversation and sounded like a million cicadas only louder and much faster. I have heard the sound before in dreams and OBEs and it is always awe inspiring. There is a color with it, too: Gold.

The feeling that remains even now is just how much I enjoyed singing our song, especially singing it with him. There is nothing more beautiful to me.

As he was leaving I felt a twinge of sadness. I saw a glimpse of a woman sitting in a pick-up and thought he must have found someone. I was grateful he would no longer be alone but I envied the woman.

Alone, I kept singing our song. In fact, I sang it for the rest of the dream. It reminds me of a pair of songbirds. Together they sing their song. It is unique to only them. When separated they sing it alone so that the other can always hear and find their way back. That is what it felt like I was doing in the dream.

I walked to the kitchen area of my grandparent’s house and was greeted by my grandmother (feminine aspect). She was very gentle with me as she guided me into a bedroom (private self), the bedroom my grandfather (masculine aspect) occupied in life. The bed was unmade (secrets exposed), as if someone had been sleeping in it. She instructed me to rest, though I never heard words. It felt like she was taking care of me, just like she did in life. I remember seeing others in the kitchen sitting at the table. It was “family” and they were waiting for me. I only recall a tall man whose energy felt a whole lot like my grandfather’s.

I got into the bed (since it is not my bed it represent consequences of my actions) and my grandmother put the covers over me. And then I slept (peace of mind). It was so nice, so peaceful, warm and safe. I wanted to stay forever.

Then I became aware of needing to “wake up”. I knew it was time to get out of bed. It felt like it was 7am, or at least the number 7 was prominent. My grandmother was encouraging me, her voice soft but firm, saying, “It’s time to get up now. It’s time to get up.” The feeling was that I had an appointment to go to, or at least somewhere to go.

I sat up on the right side of the bed and thought, “This was my Granddaddy’s bed.” I remember thinking about how in waking life the thought of sleeping in his old bed and in his old room made me shudder. It felt wrong. Yet here I was waking up in his old room and in his old bed!

Eventually I got up. My grandmother immediately began to make the bed (security). I helped her. Normally I wouldn’t have helped but in the dream I was honored to help her, remembering how she generously devoted her life to helping others, especially her family. Side by side we made the bed……. And I was still singing.

Note: The bed part of this dreams seems to go along with the saying, “You’ve made your bed now lie in it.” The fact that I am in my grandparents house, grandfather’s bed, indicates that I need to confront family issues specifically and many relate to the masculine.

Music Message

When I awoke I was sad. It felt like the dream was indicating a goodbye. It felt so final and I grieved, though not as intensely as I have in the past. It’s as if my pain and grief is all used up. A well run dry from overuse.

A song was going through my mind, specifically the part, “Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Players only love you when they’re playing. Women, they will come and they will go. When the rain washes you clean you’ll know.”

I didn’t understand the song when I heard it but now I think I do. Everything is temporary in this life. Change is the only constant. The last two lines are what I think the message sender wanted me to know, especially “when the rain washes you clean you’ll know.”

It really is all about timing and readiness. And when the time is right and am I ready, I will know.

 

 

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Kundalini, Dreams and Music Messages

Last night was a rough night emotionally. I got out my laptop to check my email and such and immediately noticed one of the posts had 444 views. In that moment I felt to my left the presence of one of my guides.  Ignoring him and shrugging off the message, I moved on to Netflix. I started watching Call the Midwife and adjusted my laptop. That’s when I saw the reflection of one of my paintings in the screen. The particular painting was the symbol that represents what happens when two complementary energies/souls meet.  I tried to ignore the image but it kept coming up despite my changing my laptop’s position. Eventually the image caused me to focus on it and the 444 came back to mind along with a message that I was not alone. I burst into tears and a huge outflow of emotion seemed to well up from deep within.

This time last year I was going through a very difficult time and if I compare it to what I am experiencing now I am grateful to be where I am. With Thanksgiving coming I should be focusing on gratitude, we all should, but when the sadness hits me and my heart overflows I struggle to see the blessings in my life. I am overcome with regret and grief. At the time of this outflow of sorrow I couldn’t help but think to myself, “I made the wrong decision.” My guidance has always said, “There are no mistakes, just choices” and I agree wholeheartedly but the suffering I am causing myself is undeserved. Yet I can’t seem to stop it. It certainly feels like I am punishing myself but I don’t know why.

Kundalini and Dreams

To my surprise I had some Kundalini energy in my dreams that woke me up early on in the night. I can’t recall anything of the dream now except bending down to pick up something and then being hit with energy in my root chakra. I only woke briefly and returned to sleep to have more of the same energy continue throughout the night. I did not wake again from it, though.

My only guess as to the source of the very strong root chakra energy is my choice to be abstinent. Even in my dreams I am avoiding sexual encounters, talking myself out of it and reminding myself that I don’t need sex and that attraction to the male gender is to be avoided. My goal is to seek a higher connection with Source and sex only distracts from that (at least that is my reasoning).

My dreams from the night are disappearing from my memory even as I type this. I remember holding a necklace in my hand at one point. It was inside a box in a little girl’s room and connected to a memory being remembered in the dream. The necklace was gold with a tiny, emerald pendant in the shape of three leaves. I attempted to put it on but the clasp would not allow it.

The pendant reminded me of the Trinity Knot of Celtic origins and how it represents the Goddess as the mother, maiden and crone.

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In another dream I was cleaning up a bathroom and rearranging the counter, clearing it of debris for my mother. My sister’s stuff was everywhere and I was putting it in the cabinet and sorting through it. There was an abundance of makeup (putting on a mask, vanity, pride) and I remember thinking of my preference for not wearing much, if any makeup now.

Then there was a dream where I was helping two students with a new kind of math (logic, rationality). There was a name for it but I can’t recall it now. What I recall of it is that it was all circles with tiny numbers (mostly 8’s) and a device like a compass but in the shape of a crescent was used to draw the circles.

When I awoke songs were in my head. One in particular was from my youth. It use to be one of my favorite songs. I had all but forgotten the song existed until I heard it on the radio the other day. The specific part that was going over and over in my mind was this:

We don’t even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old

Not long after this song was going through my mind, another song came to mind but only specific lyrics:

And I can’t fight this feeling anymore
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for
It’s time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

I have heard the song before and it was quite out of the blue that it came to me this morning. It seems the message is to not fight my feelings. That is a continual message I receive which indicates that I must be resisting feeling something. The only thing I can figure is that I am resisting feeling the pain that comes with the overwhelming love that I feel. It is love but it is pain and the two seem to go together. You can’t have one without the other I guess. But that seems wrong to me. What I think is that the pain comes from one’s past – past lives specifically – and beliefs about love. But then I’m not sure that is it either. I suppose I will figure it out at some point. The answer is probably super simple and my dense human mind keeps me from seeing it.

My guidance keeps urging me to communicate what I am feeling but whenever they suggest it I tell them, “It’s not good for me. It rekindles false hope.” There is also fear that in communicating what I feel I will expose myself to rejection and more pain/upset. As long as there is expectation there will be pain.

So my decision is to stay the course and hopefully, with time, I will find freedom from this sadness and heartsickness that has been plaguing me.

 

 

Current Happenings and More Anxiety

It’s been a busy last few days and it will just get busier with the Thanksgiving holiday and my wedding anniversary next week. This week went fast with all that was scheduled in. On Thursday my morning was spent having Thanksgiving lunch with my kids at their school. Yesterday there was a poems and pies event that the 1st graders presented (my son’s grade level) and my mom and brother joined us. Today we have a family photo session booked, the first in three years.

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Me and my daughter at her school for Thanksgiving lunch.

Goodbye Braces!

Friday was a big day for me. I got my braces removed! I had them for 18 months, 6+ of which was to correct an overbite. I still have a slight overbite because I am missing one of my lower front teeth. It’s genetic/hereditary and the tooth has never been there. However, I could care less. I just wanted to fix my top teeth which have been crooked since my teens.

Here are before/after images. Most of you probably see no issue with my before image but after years of hiding my smile and being called “snaggle tooth” (lovingly) by my family and friends I finally fixed my smile. According to my orthodontist, fixing my bite was the best thing I could have done because it was wearing away the tops of my lower teeth. By my 60s-70s it was likely I would have had worn down my lower, front teeth to nothing but jagged stubs.

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What is interesting about my braces coming off is that over a year ago, when in the midst of some intense life lessons, I recall thinking about my future and the timing of certain life decisions/events – decisions I badly wanted to make but felt would be “too soon” if I did. At the time I kept thinking, “I need to wait until my braces come off.” I convinced myself it was because it would be more convenient and left it at that. However, during the days leading to the day they actually were removed the memory of that decision/thought from way back in 2016 returned to me as if saying, “The time is near.” Could I have somehow known something significant way back then was connected to this time in my life? IDK, I guess I will know soon enough.

Anxiety

Last night my husband and I went to another of his company functions to celebrate the company’s success. The company does this frequently and I’ve attended several already this year. The celebration began at the Roaring Fork restaurant and after we attended a performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard at the The Paramount Theatre.

I had a pretty good time but, like the last two events, I had a drink and it brought on anxiety. This time, however, I opted to not finish my drink and was able to stave off the anxiety for the most part. After I gave my drink away (lol) I continued to have waves of panic hit but they were moderate to low. The feeling that would come over me was that I suddenly heard every noise loudly and my senses in general felt overloaded. It was as if I was overly aware of every.single.person in the room.

By the time we were in the Paramount watching the show, the anxiety was still threatening and I finally had to close my eyes and imagine myself within a sphere of golden light/protection. I did this with the suspicion that my anxiety was being fueled by my being too open and thus feeling “exposed” because by that point there was no alcohol in my system. To my surprise my protection visualization worked and all anxiety vanished as if it was never there. However, afterward I got super tired to the point of hardly being able to keep my eyes open. We ended up leaving during the intermission and missing the second half of the show.

I am coming to the conclusion that alcohol is a no-no for me now. I have come to that conclusion before but continue to shrug it off and try it out again and again with the same results. Sigh. Why can’t I just enjoy a glass of wine or a margarita every once in a while!?

It may also be that I am having my “one drink” when in social situations and it somehow causes me to be too wide open and so overwhelms me. Last night it felt like I was lost in a crowd, like there was a sea of faces and thoughts that were about to drown me. I would feel light headed and dizzy and then fight it only to have the feeling come on again. It really sucked.

The performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard was really good, however. There were only three people on the stage – Hubbard, his son on guitar and another guy on the drums. The acoustics were perfect – not too loud – and it made one feel like I was sitting around in a circle “jamming” with the band. I thought, “Now this is MY kind of concert!” And Hubbard was funny and talented and made the audience feel like his old buddy.

There was a song he sang with a phrase that really hit home. The phrase was “And the days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations…Well, I have really good days”. The song was Mother Blues. In hearing that I thought, “This guy Knows.”

Other Things

I continue to have odd Knowings that I shrug off for the most part. I am too busy to give them much notice. One day, however, I woke up and had a really strong Knowing that led me to shed a few tears. This was the day after I got the dream message that a “Northern” was coming in. A family upset had occurred that same night that was very much like a “storm” and the next morning I woke up in a funk over it. Later, I stumbled upon this post which helped explain what I was feeling.

The same day, while browsing the web for job openings, I discovered the perfect position and so applied straight away. I have pretty much decided that the only way for me to move forward now is to get back to work regardless of what it might mean for me and my future. I have it clear in my mind the requirements of my next position. I find when I am specific of what I want that it does come to me in time. The amount of time can vary but it always comes exactly when it is needed/meant to.

This all goes along with the message I received not long ago: Reach. Hiding from life, fearful of what might come next, is no way to live. The fear is understandable for me. I have been through so much and the recovery is ongoing. But no one can heal when they hide from life. Hiding is not healing, it is hurting. One must REACH for what they want even if it is scary, even if it might lead to more hurt or disappointment. The only time one truly lives is when there is risk involved. Anything else is not really living.

Every man dies, not every man truly lives. ~ William Wallace, Braveheart

 

It is Well

I hope everyone enjoyed the weekend celebrating their mothers in their own way. We ended up at my mom’s house for the afternoon and then at my mother-in-law’s in the evening. It was nice to hang out with family and be in nature. The sun was out, there was a nice breeze and the energy was calm and friendly.

Though it was a good day overall, I woke in tears Mother’s Day morning and by the evening the melancholy returned. This morning there was more upset. More purging. More whatever it is. Rather than focus on it by talking about it here I choose to focus on the message that came to me when I asked for help. Perhaps it will help those of you who are in this purging mode alongside me. Remember, it all has a purpose. It will pass. It is well.

 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

(Skipped in the version above)
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Song by Horatio Spafford.

Happy Streak Continues

I awoke in a good mood. Again. Hehe Sadly, my daughter had to stay home from school today. She has a fever of 100 degrees, a headache and sore throat. 😦 I’m sure she will be fine but she can’t be at school with a fever.

As my day gets started I am feeling excitement welling up from within again. It has no object of focus. It is just Beingness and something I can’t believe I haven’t embraced every second of every day of my life.

With this excitement comes some quirkiness. My mind is not focused on any one thing, really. It is fairly open and flowing, touching only on what is necessary in the moment. With humor, my guidance deposits little messages and I laugh in return because they can be so funny in their choice of a medium.

For example, already this morning I have gotten messages in the form of music. One that was surprising and resulted in bubbly laughter on my part was the message, “Oooh baby, baby, baby, baby…” If you grew up in the 80’s you might recognize the song. I did. Straight away.

I am still laughing over here. Salt n’ Pepa, Push It….really? LOL I remember listening to this song when I was in 5th grade. I had no idea what it meant at the time. If my mom had known she would have not allowed me to listen to it. I must have listened to it quite a bit because I instantly knew it when I heard it in my mind and began dancing to it. Check out the lyrics if you are unfamiliar or just need a reminder. Just a warning – can’t you hear the music’s pumpin’ hard like I wish you would? HA!

I’m dancing quite a bit for no reason, too. Also motioning with my hands and speaking in Light Language. I cleared space using Light Language and crystals yesterday. Fun times!

I have a Skype session scheduled for Saturday. I have yet to use Skype for anything except messaging so I am a bit unsure how it works. I need practice. Anyone want to practice with me? If I can find my tarot cards (kids got into them) I can give a reading or maybe just be silly and dance, too. Feeling pretty silly over here anyway. I have to get my new laptop set up for Skype, too. Hoping it’s a simple process.

I’m really not sure how to channel all this happy energy. What do you do when you feel energetically high like this? I’ve never had it last this long so usually I don’t do much of anything except enjoy it. But this time I feel like I need to channel it into something. Art doesn’t feel right. Dancing? Well that’s getting a bit warmer. Singing? Warmer. Hmmmm. I promise, I’m not manic depressive, at least I don’t think so……

Here’s another song I was listening to this morning. Gave me a good laugh. Noticing a pattern here. Hmmm Rap? Me? LOL Thinking I’m gonna dance…..F*ckin’ Awesome! Warning explicit language….hehe

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remembering George Michael

Growing up in the 80’s, I loved Wham!, but especially George Michael. I had posters of him on my bedroom wall (yeah) and he was really my only popstar crush, besides Richard Marx that is. lol When the news came out that he was homosexual (actually bisexual) I was really bummed.

I never really got into music like other kids my age or like my sister, who was crazy into music and still is. I credit my sister for introducing me to any and all music I listened to up until I entered high school. Music like Madonna, Heart, T’Pau, Chicago, Michael Jackson,  The Bangles, Duran Duran, Foreigner, REO Speedwagon, Tears for Fears, Pet Shop Boys, Genesis,  U2, etc. You get the idea. My sister had the records (later cassettes) and I just listened because she played music all.the.time and use to do pretend music videos with my cousin. LOL Later, I developed my own preferences in music, shifting to the alternative rock and grunge genre but there will always be a special place in my heart for the music of the 80’s.

Last week, in the days leading up to Christmas, I kept hearing George Michael songs playing. At one point I took notice because it was so rampant, like every radio station was playing his music. The song I remember playing the most was Faith, but there was also an old Wham! song playing, I think it was Careless Whisper.

I forgot all about the repeating songs until I found out about his death. Then all the memories kinda clicked and I thought, “Maybe I was getting a heads up? Hmmm.”

This morning I woke up with one of his songs in my head for some reason:  Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me, with Elton John. It seemed like another reminder. I wondered about it. Perhaps I needed to reflect on that time period in my life again? Considering I have been dreaming about giving away a younger version of myself (inner child perhaps) maybe this is a sign that I am letting go of the past, or a part of myself that is not longer useful. Deep, inner healing and clearing necessary for moving forward?

Mostly I liked George Michael’s music in the mid-80’s when he was still a part of Wham! When I hear those old songs I tend to be transported back to that time in my life. It’s instant and so are the feelings that accompany it. There is an opening of awareness of Self, like the very first lighting of an inner fire, that took place when I was about 10 years old and continued through high school. Every song from that time period seems imprinted in my memory with events, like a photo album in my mind, but the music and voice of George Michael will always have a special place in my heart/life/memory.

Here are just some of my most favorite George Michael songs. Enjoy!

Here is a link to the most popular hits of his career if you want to hear more.

 

Lyra Message

I was going to add this to my OBE post today but decided it should stand alone.

In my last OBE there was a song playing in the background which followed me to wakefulness. The song, Heaven by Bryan Adams. The specific lyrics were: “Baby you’re all that I want, when you’re lying here in my arms, Findin’ it hard to believe we’re in heaven.” Considering the OBE had nothing to do with romance of that sort, no true love or even feelings associated with it, the song made no sense to me and I promptly dumped it from my memory banks.

Later, as I shopped with my daughter, I remembered that a song had been in my head but I couldn’t remember anything about the song except that it had the word “heaven” in it. I knew, that I had to look it up when I got home. I Google songs from the 80’s about heaven to find it. lol I had total amnesia on the melody and lyrics. Didn’t take me long to find it, though. 🙂

Once I found it on YouTube I listened to it to make sure it was the right song. It was. However, the YouTube link address caught my eye, specifically the last five letters/numbers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eT464L1YRA

When I saw that it spelled Lyra I laughed. Heaven = Lyra for me since I’m a Pleiadian Starseed from the planet Lyra. Pretty cool, huh?