Current Happenings and More Anxiety

It’s been a busy last few days and it will just get busier with the Thanksgiving holiday and my wedding anniversary next week. This week went fast with all that was scheduled in. On Thursday my morning was spent having Thanksgiving lunch with my kids at their school. Yesterday there was a poems and pies event that the 1st graders presented (my son’s grade level) and my mom and brother joined us. Today we have a family photo session booked, the first in three years.

thanksgiving

Me and my daughter at her school for Thanksgiving lunch.

Goodbye Braces!

Friday was a big day for me. I got my braces removed! I had them for 18 months, 6+ of which was to correct an overbite. I still have a slight overbite because I am missing one of my lower front teeth. It’s genetic/hereditary and the tooth has never been there. However, I could care less. I just wanted to fix my top teeth which have been crooked since my teens.

Here are before/after images. Most of you probably see no issue with my before image but after years of hiding my smile and being called “snaggle tooth” (lovingly) by my family and friends I finally fixed my smile. According to my orthodontist, fixing my bite was the best thing I could have done because it was wearing away the tops of my lower teeth. By my 60s-70s it was likely I would have had worn down my lower, front teeth to nothing but jagged stubs.

Sept 2017 (1).png

What is interesting about my braces coming off is that over a year ago, when in the midst of some intense life lessons, I recall thinking about my future and the timing of certain life decisions/events – decisions I badly wanted to make but felt would be “too soon” if I did. At the time I kept thinking, “I need to wait until my braces come off.” I convinced myself it was because it would be more convenient and left it at that. However, during the days leading to the day they actually were removed the memory of that decision/thought from way back in 2016 returned to me as if saying, “The time is near.” Could I have somehow known something significant way back then was connected to this time in my life? IDK, I guess I will know soon enough.

Anxiety

Last night my husband and I went to another of his company functions to celebrate the company’s success. The company does this frequently and I’ve attended several already this year. The celebration began at the Roaring Fork restaurant and after we attended a performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard at the The Paramount Theatre.

I had a pretty good time but, like the last two events, I had a drink and it brought on anxiety. This time, however, I opted to not finish my drink and was able to stave off the anxiety for the most part. After I gave my drink away (lol) I continued to have waves of panic hit but they were moderate to low. The feeling that would come over me was that I suddenly heard every noise loudly and my senses in general felt overloaded. It was as if I was overly aware of every.single.person in the room.

By the time we were in the Paramount watching the show, the anxiety was still threatening and I finally had to close my eyes and imagine myself within a sphere of golden light/protection. I did this with the suspicion that my anxiety was being fueled by my being too open and thus feeling “exposed” because by that point there was no alcohol in my system. To my surprise my protection visualization worked and all anxiety vanished as if it was never there. However, afterward I got super tired to the point of hardly being able to keep my eyes open. We ended up leaving during the intermission and missing the second half of the show.

I am coming to the conclusion that alcohol is a no-no for me now. I have come to that conclusion before but continue to shrug it off and try it out again and again with the same results. Sigh. Why can’t I just enjoy a glass of wine or a margarita every once in a while!?

It may also be that I am having my “one drink” when in social situations and it somehow causes me to be too wide open and so overwhelms me. Last night it felt like I was lost in a crowd, like there was a sea of faces and thoughts that were about to drown me. I would feel light headed and dizzy and then fight it only to have the feeling come on again. It really sucked.

The performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard was really good, however. There were only three people on the stage – Hubbard, his son on guitar and another guy on the drums. The acoustics were perfect – not too loud – and it made one feel like I was sitting around in a circle “jamming” with the band. I thought, “Now this is MY kind of concert!” And Hubbard was funny and talented and made the audience feel like his old buddy.

There was a song he sang with a phrase that really hit home. The phrase was “And the days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations…Well, I have really good days”. The song was Mother Blues. In hearing that I thought, “This guy Knows.”

Other Things

I continue to have odd Knowings that I shrug off for the most part. I am too busy to give them much notice. One day, however, I woke up and had a really strong Knowing that led me to shed a few tears. This was the day after I got the dream message that a “Northern” was coming in. A family upset had occurred that same night that was very much like a “storm” and the next morning I woke up in a funk over it. Later, I stumbled upon this post¬†which helped explain what I was feeling.

The same day, while browsing the web for job openings, I discovered the perfect position and so applied straight away. I have pretty much decided that the only way for me to move forward now is to get back to work regardless of what it might mean for me and my future. I have it clear in my mind the requirements of my next position. I find when I am specific of what I want that it does come to me in time. The amount of time can vary but it always comes exactly when it is needed/meant to.

This all goes along with the message I received not long ago: Reach. Hiding from life, fearful of what might come next, is no way to live. The fear is understandable for me. I have been through so much and the recovery is ongoing. But no one can heal when they hide from life. Hiding is not healing, it is hurting. One must REACH for what they want even if it is scary, even if it might lead to more hurt or disappointment. The only time one truly lives is when there is risk involved. Anything else is not really living.

Every man dies, not every man truly lives. ~ William Wallace, Braveheart

 

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It is Well

I hope everyone enjoyed the weekend celebrating their mothers in their own way. We ended up at my mom’s house for the afternoon and then at my mother-in-law’s in the evening. It was nice to hang out with family and be in nature. The sun was out, there was a nice breeze and the energy was calm and friendly.

Though it was a good day overall, I woke in tears Mother’s Day morning and by the evening the melancholy returned. This morning there was more upset. More purging. More whatever it is. Rather than focus on it by talking about it here I choose to focus on the message that came to me when I asked for help. Perhaps it will help those of you who are in this purging mode alongside me. Remember, it all has a purpose. It will pass. It is well.

 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

(Skipped in the version above)
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Song by Horatio Spafford.

Happy Streak Continues

I awoke in a good mood. Again. Hehe Sadly, my daughter had to stay home from school today. She has a fever of 100 degrees, a headache and sore throat. ūüė¶ I’m sure she will be fine but she can’t be at school with a fever.

As my day gets started I am feeling excitement welling up from within again. It has no object of focus. It is just Beingness and something I can’t believe I haven’t embraced every second of every day of my life.

With this excitement comes some quirkiness. My mind is not focused on any one thing, really. It is fairly open and flowing, touching only on what is necessary in the moment. With humor, my guidance deposits little messages and I laugh in return because they can be so funny in their choice of a medium.

For example, already this morning I have gotten messages in the form of music. One that was surprising and resulted in bubbly laughter on my part was the message, “Oooh baby, baby, baby, baby…” If you grew up in the 80’s you might recognize the song. I did. Straight away.

I am still laughing over here. Salt n’ Pepa, Push It….really? LOL I remember listening to this song when I was in 5th grade. I had no idea what it meant at the time. If my mom had known she would have not allowed me to listen to it. I must have listened to it quite a bit because I instantly knew it when I heard it in my mind and began dancing to it. Check out the lyrics if you are unfamiliar or just need a reminder. Just a warning – can’t you hear the music’s pumpin’ hard like I wish you would? HA!

I’m dancing quite a bit for no reason, too. Also motioning with my hands and speaking in Light Language. I cleared space using Light Language and crystals yesterday. Fun times!

I have a Skype session scheduled for¬†Saturday. I have yet to use Skype for anything except messaging so I am a bit unsure how it works. I need practice. Anyone want to practice with me? If I can find my tarot cards (kids got into them) I can give a reading or maybe just be silly and dance, too. Feeling pretty silly over here anyway. I have to get my new laptop set up for Skype, too. Hoping it’s a simple process.

I’m really not sure how to channel all this happy energy. What do you do when you feel energetically high like this? I’ve never had it last this long so usually I don’t do much of anything except enjoy it. But this time I feel like I need to channel it into something. Art doesn’t feel right. Dancing? Well that’s getting a bit warmer. Singing? Warmer. Hmmmm. I promise, I’m not manic depressive, at least I don’t think so……

Here’s another song I was listening to this morning. Gave me a good laugh. Noticing a pattern here. Hmmm Rap? Me? LOL Thinking I’m gonna dance…..F*ckin’ Awesome! Warning explicit language….hehe

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remembering George Michael

Growing up in the 80’s, I loved Wham!, but especially George Michael. I had posters of him on my bedroom wall (yeah) and he was really my only popstar crush, besides Richard Marx that is. lol When the news came out that he was homosexual (actually bisexual) I was really bummed.

I never really got into music like other kids my age or like my sister, who was crazy into music and still is. I credit my sister for introducing me to any and all music I listened to up until I entered high school. Music like Madonna, Heart, T’Pau, Chicago, Michael Jackson, ¬†The Bangles, Duran Duran, Foreigner, REO Speedwagon, Tears for Fears, Pet Shop Boys, Genesis, ¬†U2, etc. You get the idea. My sister had the records (later cassettes) and I just listened because she played music all.the.time and use to do pretend music videos with my cousin. LOL Later, I developed my own preferences in music, shifting to the alternative rock and grunge genre but there will always be a special place in my heart for the music of the 80’s.

Last week, in the days leading up to Christmas, I kept hearing George Michael songs playing. At one point I took notice because it was so rampant, like every radio station was playing his music. The song I remember playing the most was Faith, but there was also an old Wham! song playing, I think it was Careless Whisper.

I forgot all about the repeating songs until I found out about his death. Then all the memories kinda clicked and I thought, “Maybe I was getting a heads up? Hmmm.”

This morning I woke up with one of his songs in my head for some reason: ¬†Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me, with Elton John. It seemed like another reminder. I wondered about it. Perhaps I needed to reflect on that time period in my life again? Considering I have been dreaming about giving away a younger version of myself (inner child perhaps) maybe this is a sign that I am letting go of the past, or a part of myself that is not longer useful. Deep, inner healing and clearing necessary for moving forward?

Mostly I liked George Michael’s music in the mid-80’s when he was still a part of Wham! When I hear those old songs I tend to be transported back to that time in my life. It’s instant and so are the feelings¬†that accompany it. There is an opening of awareness of Self, like the very first lighting of an inner fire, that took place when I was about 10 years old and continued through high school. Every song from that time period seems imprinted in my memory with events, like a photo album in my mind, but the music and voice of George Michael will always have a special place in my heart/life/memory.

Here are just some of my most favorite George Michael songs. Enjoy!

Here is a link to the most popular hits of his career if you want to hear more.

 

Lyra Message

I was going to add this to my OBE post today but decided it should stand alone.

In my last OBE there was a song playing in the background which followed me to wakefulness. The song, Heaven by Bryan Adams. The specific lyrics were: “Baby you’re all that I want, when you’re lying here in my arms, Findin’ it hard to believe we’re in heaven.” Considering the OBE had nothing to do with romance of that sort, no true love or even feelings associated with it, the song made no sense to me and I promptly dumped it from my memory banks.

Later, as I shopped with my daughter, I remembered that a song had been in my head but I couldn’t remember anything about the song except that it had the word “heaven” in it. I knew, that I had to look it up when I got home. I Google songs from the 80’s about heaven to find it. lol I had total amnesia on the melody and lyrics. Didn’t take me long to find it, though. ūüôā

Once I found it on YouTube I listened to it to make sure it was the right song. It was. However, the YouTube link address caught my eye, specifically the last five letters/numbers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eT464L1YRA

When I saw that it spelled Lyra I laughed. Heaven = Lyra for me since I’m a Pleiadian Starseed from the planet Lyra. Pretty cool, huh?

Change Can Be Amazing

Lots going on. Energetically. Spiritually. Emotionally.

I was so tired yesterday afternoon I took a nap when my youngest took a nap. I rarely ever take naps. I don’t know where I went while I slept. It was like I sunk into the abyss. When I woke it felt like I had been drifting at sea, swaying to the point that I could physically feel myself rocking back and forth. When I checked online I saw that while I slept there had been an earthquake off the coast of Japan. This struck me as significant. There must be a massive coronal hole stream, I thought.

Despite getting a good nap in, I still slept deeply¬†last night and, as has been normal for me of late, I had tons of vivid dreams. Rather than go into each one, I will just summarize their messages as I am tiring of the dream drama, though yesterday’s accounts were quite humorous.

Finalization

When I awoke sometime in the middle of the night and again this morning I knew a decision was being finalized. The last remnants of indecision are being cleared away. There is inspection of the past, of decisions made or not made, of directions taken. Relationship dynamics are being analyzed.

I spent quite a bit of time in a clear blue swimming pool with my family. I also was inspecting a house that could have been built but never was while also reflecting on the house that was built, its floors uneven and unstable. I spoke to a couple – a potential future version of myself and marriage – comparing their house to ours. Theirs had a family room, ours did not.

Balance

I am heading toward balance. Balance between masculine and feminine. Wholeness. This came through as preparation for a wedding ceremony. My clothing was the focus, specifically my shoes. I had on tan work boots at first and was laughing at how big they were on my feet. I knew they were the shoes of my other half, though, which is why I was laughing. He works hard and provides me with protection. I chose to take them off and selected a pair of black, dress boots – feminine but also masculine. I had on a white, lace skirt with a black blouse. Yin-Yang.

It’s Time

My guidance was quite insistent, coming through my dreams so intensely that it transferred into the physical, waking me up alarmed. This time it was not a pleasant experience. One of my guides wanted me to pay attention and so did what he does best and used pain to snap me out of sleep (sleep here being both the real deal and unawareness).

The dream here occurred in a parking lot at night. I headed to my parked car through a dimly lit section of the lot, keys in hand. As I walked a Hispanic man wearing ghetto clothing came up to me saying, “What are you doing out here alone? You need some help?” But his voice and mannerisms suggested he was not there to help. He came close and I pushed him away, turning and calling to my friends for help. My call sent the man away with a smirk on his face. I¬†picked up my pace.

When I got to my car, the key would not work properly. It kept slipping and the entire outside of the end of it fell off. A fair haired man approached. I knew him as a friend. He came up behind me, though, and grabbed me firmly saying very loudly, “It’s time.” The message here was that it was time to pay attention to his wants/desires; for us to be together. I rejected this and pushed back but he was too strong and grabbed me around my waist, forcing me up against the car. He then stuck his finger between my ribs, pushing in so hard that I cringed in pain.

I woke up and could still feel his finger jabbed between my ribs. It did not let up for some time. I could hear him repeating, “It’s time.”

Anger Toward Men

Both yesterday after my nap and once I awoke this morning I experienced a surge of anger toward the men in my life. It came all at once and the feeling is to push them away and stand alone. Thoughts that go with these feelings are, “I don’t need anyone” and “Men suck.” lol I feel extremely aggressive; ready for battle. There is also a feeling of anger toward myself for allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled by men in general along with a rejection of any attractions I have felt/feel toward the opposite sex.

Almost Done

The water element repeated last night. Water = Emotion. For a fire sign like me, water/emotion can be confusing when in copious amounts as it has been. I like to be in control of my emotions. Lately I’m not. I was shown water and then I saw very clearly, “20%” written as if on a blank screen. The message was received as, “20% left.” So, almost done. I can’t wait.

Change Can be Amazing

Sometime in the morning I had phrases from songs come into to my mind. The main one was,”In weakness or in strength, change can be amazing.” It comes from the song below. Note: When I hear these phrases it does not necessarily mean the entire song is the message. Usually it is just the single phrase I am given that is the message. The entire message of this song is a good one, though.

 

 

 

Breaking the Cycle

It has become clear to me over the past few days that I am the only thing that stands between myself and everything I have ever wanted. I have been the one who has caused all the pain and misery, discomfort and disharmony in my life. It is not what others have done to me, it is what I have done to me. It is the pain I have directed outward and inward. Everything I do to others I also do to myself. Each critical remark, each bitter comment and judgment slashes away at my inner beauty, marring it with ugliness and spite.

I have wandered blindly through life after life on this planet, unable to hear my own voice through the muddle of thoughts and the unsettling emotions that rise with them. I have used my mind to view life. I have used words to define my reality. I have ignored my heart and in that I have ignored myself.

Music

I sit here listening to the most beautiful angelic voices singing in a language I do not understand and I feel calmed. It is not an internal music, but merely the local classical music station. I have added music back into my life. I realized just how much I missed it.

Music, like many of the pleasures I have denied myself this lifetime, is probably the most uplifting of those things in life that we have access to. Music brings our vibration up. It allows us to remember ourselves and that is very precious. We should all listen to music as often as we can and sing it even more often. Singing itself raises our vibration and allows us to flow out of our hearts. Try it. Sing and let yourself get carried away. You will feel an energy in your heart and you will fill with joy. That is what music is: joy. That is also what we are.

With music we Remember.

I am Listening – Breaking the Cycle

I have made a conscious decision to listen, to view life from my heart rather than from my mind. It will take some time, some learning, to do this, but I know I can do it.

The more I tune into my heart, the more I realize I need to make some changes in my life. Just this morning I awoke from the deepest slumber I have had since this past Spring. Upon waking I heard, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I am very familiar with this quote by Albert Einstein. And I knew that I needed to listen to the changes my Higher Self was encouraging me to make. I had been ignoring the messages, hoping I would not have to change but the very act of ignoring them distances me from myself and made me that much more deaf.

Some changes are easy, some are not. I listed them a while back but it is just now that I am doing them.

The main change I am being asked to make is to stop my workout routine. I have been asked to decrease my cardio activity to only walking and doing yoga. I am to stop lifting weights and doing the interval training and circuits I do three times a week. When I ask why, it is explained to me that I have been focusing too much on my physical body, its shape and appearance. What I need to do is focus upon balancing my energy, calming my mind and increasing my connection to my Higher Self. Walking and yoga will help me achieve this as will any exercise that brings me closer to nature.

Another change I am being asked to make is to open up to my spiritual gifts once again. It is not that I am being asked to jump head first back into readings, but rather to allow myself to be drawn to those in need and to ask of them, “What can I do to help you?” All I can do is follow the feeling and then present myself to them with open arms. It is up to them if they will accept my offer of help. I have already been drawn in this way to another. It was quite a surprise to me and I did not hesitate to offer my help. I am told this will continue to occur. If I listen then I will find much satisfaction in doing the service I am here to do. It is that simple.

Music, art and other creative outlets are also an area I am asked to bring back into my life. There has been imbalance in my life because I have not allowed myself to create. We by nature create, manifest, all the time. To limit this in ourselves is to snuff out our flame, to make life dark and suppressive. Each day I have been asked to sing, listen to music, or both. I have also been asked to find other outlets that will help me express what I feel, who I am. I have chosen painting because I have always wanted to be able to paint what I see behind my eyelids when I sleep, travel OOB or when I meet my Higher Self. My husband is a great artist and musician. I have asked him to help me paint what I have seen. I believe together we can create amazing art that expresses so much more than words ever could.

Here is one of my husbands’ works of art. He painted this from a photo of me and my daughter. He is very good at painting and drawing the human form.

baby

Cuddle Time, oil on canvas, 2008.

I have been asked also to meditate and do yoga daily. This includes self-healing, using essential oils to help with grounding and balancing my chakras, and learning to live through my heart. Each day I am asked to do something different when it comes to meditation and yoga. For example, I am led to read certain books which send me in the direction I need to go at that particular time. Most recently I have been led to read a book on chakras which taught me a tapping technique to help with physical discomfort and imbalance in my body. For the past two nights I have integrated the tapping with my meditation and self-healing and have noticed results, especially with the tension and discomfort in my physical body. Each day I am also led to do a different yoga video. Just last night I did a Kundalini/Hatha blend yoga for 42 minutes. So far, Kundalini and Hatha yoga are the two types I am most drawn to.

Finally, I am being asked to be more aware of what I eat and put into my body. Specifically, (and I am embarrassed to say) I am being asked to stop smoking in the evening. I have done this for as long as I can remember since awakening to my spiritual gifts. At first it was to help with the anxiety I experienced and then it just became something I did for myself since it seemed like so much of my day was spent doing things for others. I stopped many times, every time I was pregnant and for many years at a time. I was able to easily quit whenever I wanted. I know I can stop anytime as this is not a physical addition, it is a mental one. I am having the most difficulty stopping this particular bad habit. I do not smoke much – one to two cigarettes a night. Yet I am told this is too much and that it will interfere with my transformation. As long as I continue to do it, the progress will slow and eventually stop. So I will be quitting. I am told it will be today. lol I guess it is then.