Evidence of Integration

I had an interesting day last night that culminated in yet another unplanned OBE this morning.

Bus Wreck

Last Friday night, as I sat outside listening to the far off sounds of a marching band playing in some football stadium, I suddenly was hit with knowingness. There would be a bus accident. I immediately thought it was sad and worried about the kids on the bus but was told not to worry. So I let it go and forgot about it.

Yesterday morning, while perusing the morning headlines, I saw a headline that made my heart sink. Texas college grieves after 4 killed in bus crash. I read the article and remembered my premonition. It came out of the blue and there was no reasoning behind it. I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Yet I got the information anyway. That’s why I hate premonitions.

Avoided Accident

It is as if the news of the bus wreck was meant to remind me that I could pick up on future events. That afternoon, while returning from work, the minute I got on the freeway I got an nagging feeling. I ignored it because I was feeling very at easy and happy, which is not a norm for me, so I was enjoying it and didn’t want to ruin it by worrying over a “nagging feeling”. Yet every time I would settle into my happy mood and look at the clouds and beautiful sky I would get a thought that said, “Focus”. And I would hear it and think, “I really should pay attention”. The thought kept returning along with the nagging feeling and I thought to myself, “Any moment there could be an accident. But I shouldn’t worry about ‘what if’s’, they only make me anxious”.

I was almost home and the nagging feeling was gone when it happened. I was merging right to exit when the car in front of me suddenly swerved and put on their brakes. I saw some bits of tire on the road and decided not to merge and stayed in my lane only to be confronted a split second later by a huge piece of tire that was big enough to cause an accident. I put on my breaks and swerved a bit into the lane to my left. I watched as the driver behind me also reacted and almost hit a cement truck. I then saw the truck drive swerve into the fast lane. Thankfully, no one was in his path. As I finally began to merge, the truck drive drove past and look at me. We stared at each other and I thought to him, “Glad you are okay”. He drove on.

Then the adrenaline hit me. I exited the highway and suddenly knew that all the signs had been there. And I had listened. My heart was pounding and my arms weak. I had been ready and everyone involved was okay. And it suddenly occurred to me that had I chosen to go ahead and merge that the driver behind me would have not reacted well to the huge piece of tire. He would have swerved to wide and hit the cement truck. And I realized it was not me the feeling was meant to help. It was them.

Dream

I found myself in a dream. I was not fully aware and just followed along, In the dream I was at a gathering. We were in family groups and I was with my husband sitting at a rectangular table. Our children were not there. My husband had to sit near the aisle and I sat in the center. My mother and her husband were above and behind us. Her husband also sat near the aisle.

Then I found myself with my old high school best friend at the bottom of the auditorium where I had previously been with my husband. I greeted her and she seemed down. There was another girl with her. We all talked, catching up on old times. My friend mentioned that she had an issue with hormonal acne. I asked her if she had been to a dermatologist and she looked horrified. She then got very emotional but did not cry and the other girl seemed concerned. They both stopped talking and acted like they wanted to get away from me. They made excuses and began to walk away together. The other girl kept looking behind at me and I felt very uncomfortable, wondering what I had done wrong. I chased after them asking them why they were leaving and what I had done wrong. The girl yelled back that they didn’t want me to come with them. So I stayed back and felt horrible and rejected.

The feelings were intense enough to wake me up.

Wide awake I immediately was reminded of all the times in my life when similar things had happened. I began to beat myself up, telling myself, “I am not good at being a friend” and “No one likes me” and “It is better if I just don’t try to be friends”. There were other thoughts as well and they eventually made me cry, though not huge amounts. I have lived with these feelings my whole life and I wondered, “Why? Why does this keep coming up? Why won’t it go away? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be a good friend? What is wrong with me?”

I couldn’t sleep and the feeling was lingering. Yet I had this distinct calm wash over me along with the feeling that I needed to examine the scene in the dream. What happened?

As soon as I started looking at what I did rather than what they did, I saw what the problem was. I hadn’t been listening. I had missed something. Some nonverbal cue. And it had been my downfall. I broke communication with my friend. I was no longer sharing her reality. And because of that she was hurt and thus, wanted to get away from me and avoid it happening again.

Relief followed this realization and then I began to remember similar times in my past when this happened. They piled on top of one another and they were all the same. All this time I had thought they were mean. They were the ones who had been out to hurt me. It was their fault, not mine. And I understood. I was not a good listener. I was not caring about them. It was all me, me, me. I lost a best friend for that and I have few friends now because of that.

Yet I also realized everyone else is the same. They are like me. They want to be heard. They want to be listened to. They will seek out those who listen. Who will hear. I have stopped trying to seek out someone who will listen. I have been hurt too many times and it isn’t worth it. But maybe, just maybe, I have been wrong this whole time and if I just listened to others without any expectations for myself things would be different.

All these thoughts kept me awake from 4am to around 5:30am. I had given up on returning to sleep.

graycat_chairOBEs

Then I was dreaming again. I was at a house this time. The owners were moving out and me and my mother and some other family I did not recognize were watching them. They were unable to take everything with them and they were leaving behind their three dogs. I lingered, watching them. They gave us permission to take what they left so I went inside while my mom waited in the car outside. I remember seeing the dogs, two of them huge Basset Hounds with long hair and one a small Beagle. They were running into the road and I had concern they would be hit.

I spent a while inside the house collecting mostly toys my kids would like. Their garage was full of them. I then wandered into the back yard but it started to get dark and my mom was yelling at me to hurry. I then saw a light shine through a window and went back inside, roaming through the kitchen and then making my way back into the yard. When I looked up, though, there was a ceiling and I was confused for a moment. That particular room was run down and dirty.

It was at this point that I suddenly gained awareness and the entire scene vanished. I was no longer in that dark house but in a newer one with brand new wood floors and nice furnishings. I was instantly happier and lighter and crawled along the wood floors like an infant. I was very aware of being naked and thinking about how I must look to someone, concerned about the way my breasts must have looked but not so much to worry about it.

As soon as I stopped caring about how I looked I felt myself lift up and I stretched out my astral body and willed myself up into the air. I was a bit unsteady at first but soon was hovering over the floor and then flying towards the door. The room instantly got brighter and I could see the furniture of the living area in front of me.

But I lost energy and the room instantly darkened. I was then hovering near my body and disappointed to have left. I willed myself back and there I was again, in the house. This time, however, I was standing in the kitchen, There was a yellow hue around everything and the floors were very shiny. I looked around and took in the scene. It was bright and I did not have any issue with seeing. I was glad for this. I had worried something was wrong with me in my last OBE since I couldn’t see well.

Then I heard a scratching coming from a door in the kitchen. I went over to it, looking closely at the white shutters that covered the bottom of the door. Since I could see outside I pulled back two slats of the shutters to look out. I could see a small shadow outside. I yelled at the animal, “You can’t come in!” and left the door as it was but the two slats fell off, broken. I knew the animal was a gray cat and I didn’t want him inside. I don’t like cats.

I then lost vision and I returned to my body. I stayed in the in-between state for some time, trying to decide if I would go back. The energy buzzed around me and felt comforting. I could feel that it was more intense around my heart chakra. I allowed the hypnagogic images to come in and watched them for a while. I almost went into one but my curiosity caused the image to suddenly fade. I eventually gave up and opened my eyes.

Evidence of Integration

I was told a while back to expect changes resulting from merging with my Higher Self. I was not given much information as to what that meant but had faith that it was a good thing. Since then I have experienced some subtle changes that I believe are a result of this merging process, also known as integration.

Of course there are my OBEs. They started back up at the beginning of the merging and have since continued, becoming more frequent and interesting. I suspected my OBEs from yesterday were an attempted soul retrieval which was later confirmed by some avid astral travelers I communicate with. This is a big changed from my previous astral experiences and I can’t help but wonder if perhaps I am going to have more similar experiences.

Then there is the change in how I perceive things. My guides still communicate with me, but during the day their messages are more blended with my own thoughts – almost imperceptible. I often miss their messages because of this but eventually they get through to me, one way or the other. The best example of this was the message to integrate yoga into my life.

Then there is the overall different feeling I have. It is hard to explain but I feel more whole than I did a couple of years ago. I am more certain and less likely to accept things in my life that I do not want. Yes I have been depressed more often but I think that is part of the process. I am healing and purging some repressed emotions which opens chakras and creates all sorts of symptoms (kundalini symptoms) that can be quite bothersome.

I don’t know how much longer this will all take but I am getting a glimpse of what I will be like in the end and I am liking it.

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Into The Deep

I was awakened at 4am by my daughter. She must have caught my cold because she was coughing but it was just the typical dry cough that comes with postnasal drip. She went back to sleep but I, of course, could not. Then, whenever I would start to doze off, she would cough loudly once or twice and wake me up again. So, I went to another room to try and get some uninterrupted sleep.

I tossed and turned for some time, thinking, “I should just get up. I’m too awake”. A song kept going through my mind by Saints of Valory, Neon Eyes (Into the Deep), specifically the part, “But won’t you follow me, into the deep”. I just kept singing it over and over and finally decided to stop. Then I got hungry so I had to run to the kitchen for a snack. Finally, stomach content and mind quiet, I drifted off to sleep.

OBE #1: Hotel

I don’t remember what I was dreaming about, but I know I was dreaming. What I do remember is being awakened by someone brushing against me. I opened my eyes suddenly and scanned the darkened room. But it wasn’t the bedroom I was in. It looked like a hotel room. I could see the windows, the door and the edge of the bed I was laying on.

I looked around for whoever brushed against me and I heard crying. It was a quiet, sobbing sound and it was from a very small child. I urged myself to get out of bed to help. As I slid out of bed, my astral body felt heavy, as if I were carrying forty pounds of dead weight.

I mentally called out to the child, telling her it was okay. Then I saw her. She ran up to me and took my hand. She was very tiny, only about two to three feet tall and looked up at me with big, tear filled eyes. She was wearing a pink dress that flared out like a tutu with white stockings that went right up to the bottom of the dress and pink Mary Jane’s. In the dark of the room, she seemed to glow with her own light and I immediately wanted to help her.

I followed her toward the door, still feeling very heavy. The heavy energy was pulling me down and I knew I needed more energy. I tried to summon it, but the moment I began to ask I rushed back into my body.

OBE #2: Negative Feeling

I immediately set the intention to return and I was back in the bed, in the dark hotel room. I got out of bed, my astral body again feeling burdened by heavy energy. I began to make my way toward the door but stopped. I didn’t like the feeling of the place or the feeling of my energy. This time there was no little girl and I felt a strong sense that something was not quite right. In the little time I was there, I gathered heaps of information. All at once the knowledge was there and I knew what the bad feeling was. There was negative sexual energy and it was focused on the child. There was a child molester involved in the energy.

Within moments of recognizing all this I was sucked back into my body once again. I lay in the buzzing sensation that surrounded me for a moment and set the intention to return again. Instantly, I returned once again to the scene.

OBE #3: Energy

This time I got out of my body quickly and with less heaviness but it felt like I was dragging myself behind me. The farther I got from my starting point, the easier it got. I reached the door and opened it, intent on getting out of the hotel room and leaving the negative energy behind me. I looked up at the stars and thought how nice it would be to be able to see daylight. Why was it still so dark? I wanted to shift to another scene, anywhere but where I was. And I knew that in order to do this I needed to free myself of the heaviness I was feeling.

I rubbed the palms of my hands together and said, “I need more energy”. The minute I said this I was hit with intense amounts of energy. I felt like I was buzzing while at the same time being shaken. It is hard to describe. It felt like my astral body was shifting back and forth very quickly.

I was disappointed to find myself back in my body as the shifty sensations continued. I thought, “What did I do wrong?” and realized that asking for more energy had not been the right thing to do. But what was?

I wanted to return to astral but there was a nagging feeling that it was almost time to get up and that I had things to do. Reluctantly, I moved and stretched out my body, leaving the prospect of another trip OOB behind me. Again the song repeated in my mind, “But won’t you follow me, into the deep”.

Note: It was suggested by other astral travelers that this OBE was in fact an attempted soul retrieval. This is the first ever soul retrieval OBE I recall having and I am curious if there will be others.

The Serpent is Rising

The following is a lucid dream I had this morning.

As I rode in a car along a road I did not recognized, we stopped alongside a cluster of mailboxes. I leaned out my window to open the mailbox and suddenly found myself standing alongside it outside of the car. I reached inside the mailbox and pulled out a golden necklace. Surprised, I peered inside and discovered a mass of jewelry. Excited, I pulled each piece out and inspected it. There were three necklaces, all very yellow gold with different pendants attached. I then saw a small bracelet made of silver links of chain. Attached was a small ballet slipper of blue that sparkled. There was another small slipper not attached and I made sure not to drop it.

After inspecting the jewelry I looked around, suddenly worried I would be caught with the jewelry. I worried about this only because 1. I was not sure whose mailbox this was and 2. the jewelry was not in a package but had been left inside in a cluster as if deposited in a hurry. I pocketed the jewelry and noticed a woman pull up in her car to retrieve her mail. I moved aside and let her.

Then I was laying in my bed seemingly wide awake. It was dark and I recognized that it was likely the very early hours of the morning. I decided I wanted to find my husband and cuddle and perhaps do more than that. The thought made me smile.

I went towards the bedroom and when I entered the living room the lights were on and my son was laying on the sofa watching T.V. There were also all kinds of objects that weren’t suppose to be there. The room appeared more like a mall or shopping area than my living room. The color of the scene was golden and shimmering.

I saw my son was eating candy out of a container shaped like an elephant. I asked him where he got it and he pointed to the kiosk nearby. It was closed but the candy shelves were exposed making the candy easy to take. I became full of anger towards my husband for allowing our son to be up so early, watch T.V. and eat candy. I changed my mind then and there about going to him. I was too angry. Yet I had this strong urge to move the energy of my root chakra which was suddenly feeling very alive and tingling. How would I do that now?

Then I saw a booth. A golden color shimmered around it. I went over to it. Inside there was a woman with long, blond hair. She sat behind a counter and smiled at me and told me, “I can help you”. I sat in front of her in a chair and we talked. She talked more than me, telling me about her job in the male-dominated steel industry. I commented that it must be nice and she nodded agreement. Then she touched my groin area with her foot and a spike of energy hit me all at once. It expanded and moved outward, engulfing my entire lower body with a warm energy. Then I felt it move upward. When it hit my second chakra I could feel it condense and ball up like a knot. It twisted and pain radiated into my lower spine.

The Serpent is Rising

The pain woke me up and I lay in a mixture of pleasure and pain as the energy continued to radiate outward around my lower body. I knew instantly what was happening. This was Kundalini energy. The serpent was rising. Unfortunately, my second chakra was too blocked to let the serpent through. I tried to will it to open and allow the energy to move up to my heart chakra. I knew when the energy hit my heart chakra I would be overcome with bliss and the thought of this excited me. But when I tried to open my second chakra the pain intensified. It felt as if something were squeezing my insides.

My guide intervened. “Not yet”, he whispered. I stopped and listened, remembering the last time I had experienced Kundalini. I wanted to feel it again. “It took 2 years last time” my guide stated matter-of-factually. “Oh,” I thought back to him. “How long will it take this time?”, I asked. But I had begun to drift back to sleep and my guide’s reply was lost. I only knew I needed not to force it; to let it take its time. Forcing it was not good. I somehow knew that it would not take as long this time. How long? I am not sure.

risingKundalini

Kundalini is described as a “sleeping, dormant potential force in the human organism”. The energy, also known as “the serpent”, is thought of as coiled up at the based of the spine. When the serpent awakens, it uncoils and the energy of it rises upward along the spine to the top of the head. It rises through each of the chakras, and as it reaches each chakra it is said to awaken different energies creating different awakenings, or spiritual experiences. When the serpent reaches the top of the head, or the crown chakra, it is said to create an extremely profound mystical experience described by some as infinite bliss.

The practices of yoga and meditation are said to awaken kundalini, but it can also be awakened by a guru. Sometimes kundalini is awakened by physical or psychological trauma and other times for no reason at all. Sometimes the individual is prepared for the kundalini and other times they are not. Those who are prepared, approach kundalini with pure surrender, which means no ego interference. Those who are unprepared may end up in a kundalini crisis.

Common symptoms of kundalini are:

  • Involuntary jerks, tremors, shaking, itching, tingling, and crawling sensations, especially in the arms and legs
  • Energy rushes or feelings of electricity circulating the body
  • Intense heat (sweating) or cold, especially as energy is experienced passing through the chakras
  • Visions or sounds at times associated with a particular chakra
  • Diminished or conversely extreme sexual desire sometimes leading to a state of constant or whole-body orgasm
  • Emotional upheavals or surfacing of unwanted and repressed feelings or thoughts with certain repressed emotions becoming dominant in the conscious mind for short or long periods of time.
  • Headache, migraine, or pressure inside the skull
  • Increased blood pressure and irregular heartbeat
  • Emotional numbness
  • Antisocial tendencies
  • Mood swings with periods of depression or mania
  • Pains in different areas of the body, especially back and neck
  • Sensitivity to light, sound, and touch
  • Trance-like and altered states of consciousness
  • Disrupted sleep pattern (periods of insomnia or oversleeping)
  • Loss of appetite or overeating
  • Bliss, feelings of infinite love and universal connectivity, transcendent awareness *reference

Round Two

I have experienced almost all of the above symptoms before, years ago, and it resulted in a “dark night of the soul” and some very intensely negative times for me. I emerged without incident, a more balanced person, just in time to meet my husband and start my family. In that time, the serpent retreated and went dormant. I knew this would happen, I just didn’t think of it in terms of kundalini. I just knew that for a while I would focus upon family. You see, I just now realize that spiritual awakening and kundalini are one in the same. At least they were for me.

And now it is happening again. The serpent is no longer dormant. There is lots of work to be done. Healing. Purging. A second awakening. I have experienced almost all of the above symptoms; still am. It started some time ago, though it was not as intense as it is now. I am now mentally kicking myself for not taking better care of myself spiritually over the last seven years. So much of what I am going through now could have been avoided. But, I cannot dwell on should have’s. What is done is done. At least this time I know what to expect and understand more as to why it is happening.

Yoga – My First Week

Since I have been receiving messages to integrate yoga into my exercise routine, I decided I would try to do some yoga every day this week and see if I feel a difference. Additionally, I dropped my normal cardio and weight routine that I do on my days off and replaced it with walks outside with my son and baby. With the cooler Fall weather, these walks have been very enjoyable and also gave me bonding time with my 3 year old.

I use videos from DoYogaWithMe.com, a website that offers all kinds of yoga videos of varying lengths and ability levels. I have found the videos to be of good quality and content.

Day 1

I did 15 minutes of beginner yoga in my office during my lunch break. I found it on YouTube here. It was very easy, simple and doable. I had not done yoga in years but I still remembered some of the basic poses. I had no spiritual experiences, no energy changes and nothing out of the ordinary. However, I did feel less tense afterward.

Day 2

After a leisurely walk with my son and baby, I did a 30 minute post-natal yoga video at home while my baby was sleeping and my toddler was playing in his room. Surprisingly, I went undisturbed until the last 5 minutes when my toddler came in and began asking me questions about what I was doing.

Observations:

1. I could not sit comfortably on my knees which was how the video began. My knees were screaming at me the whole time so I finally gave up and sat criss-cross (Indian Style).

2. Yoga is harder than I remember! I was sweating by the middle but doing well.

3. I definitely became more aware of my body and certain parts that need attention like my shoulders and hips.

4. Towards the end and after laying on my back for some time just being the video took me into child’s pose and then into rabbit’s pose (forgive me if I have the names wrong, I am still learning). When in rabbit’s pose I felt a surge of emotion hit my heart and I had to gasp. It left pretty quickly but I recognized this was a much needed release.

5. I felt like I had a decent workout when I finished which surprised me.

Day 3

I found time at work again to do yoga. This time I moved up to intermediate and a routine designed specifically for after work. It was only 15 minutes but it successfully stretched my shoulders, back and legs while giving me a chance to breathe and relax, which I was able to do though not as much as I would like.

I find that doing yoga at work is not ideal but considering my life is non-stop once I get home in the evening and I would likely have my children either climbing on me or talking non-stop to me as I tried to “relax”, work wins out. Unfortunately, I am not able to fully let go of my anxiety because I continuously worry that someone will knock on my office door with some emergency. I wonder if I will ever get to really experience yoga as it is meant to be experienced.

Day 4

I went for a walk with my son and baby and then did 35 minutes of intermediate yoga. Despite pausing three times to tend to my baby, I broke a sweat again. And again I found it difficult to twist my body into some of the poses. I noticed that I was holding my breath quite a bit and wonder if I will ever be able to breathe consistently throughout. I set the intention to receive healing, but I did not feel any healing occur – but that doesn’t mean it didn’t. My body and the energy level felt pretty much the same as it does when I do my normal routine.

I wear a Garmin Forerunner watch to keep track of my heart rate and time my workouts. It is interesting to me that although I feel like I am working out at the same level as when I run or life weights, my average heart rate during yoga is significantly lower. My average heart rate during yoga today was 92 and with my normal routine it is typically about 131.

Restorative Yoga

In the evening, I was feeling quite tense and stressed, so I found a restorative yoga video to see if it could help me clear my mind and relax. I used my Kindle and hid away in my daughter’s room so as to not be disturbed. I was able to to it for about 12 minutes before being interrupted by my son. It actually was quite relaxing and I want to try it again soon.

I noticed one thing the restorative yoga allowed me to do that I have not been able to do with other yoga: quiet my mind. I actually did not think of anything while laying in the restorative positions. It was wonderful! I can see why it is recommended for those who struggle with insomnia. Thankfully, insomnia has not been one of my issues for some time now (knock on wood).

Day 5

I awoke to all-over body aches. I was surprised to find that muscles I didn’t know I had were hurting. Specifically, the muscles around the hip bone area. Usually my aches of the morning go away quite quickly once I get up and move around, but these were very obviously not going to do that. So I started my morning with a short yoga video specifically focused on stretching the shoulders and upper back. After doing it I felt much less stiffness in my shoulders and neck area, which was a relief.

When I got home from work I decided to try Kundalini Yoga. I did over an hour of it and learned how to chant and move energy up and down my spine. Initially, my upper back felt intensely hot. Not hot like heat from working out but hot like full of trapped energy. It was similar to how it feels when I receive Reiki but the energy was very out of place and haphazard. I adjusted my position using a pillow and that helped so I am thinking that I may have not been sitting correctly and thus disrupting the energy flow. Considering the main focus was on the spine, I am glad I was able to correct the problem. Overall, I will likely only do Kundalini Yoga on days when I want a slow, more meditative practice.

After Kundalini Yoga I decided to do more traditional yoga. My daughter joined me, mesmerized by it. She ended up doing a  few somersaults during the quiet, breathing but overall she was eager and curious. She was very upset with me when I ended early. She was not overly disruptive, which was nice, I was just tired from my previous hour of Kundalini Yoga. Despite that, I did about 20 minutes with my daughter.

Today’s total yoga time amounted to 95 minutes, 60 of that was Kundalini Yoga, though, which is mostly meditation.

womanReflection

As I reflect back on this week, I notice some subtle changes and some no so subtle ones. The subtle ones are mostly spiritual and emotional. The more obvious ones have been physical.

Spiritually, my dreams have been focused on past issues, specifically times when I have either purposefully or accidentally hurt someone. One dream on the fourth night of yoga was intense. I woke up confused from it and was certain I had cheated on my husband numerous times. I have had similar dreams in the past. I told my husband about it and he said he has had the same dream except that he is the one certain he has cheated on me! This revelation from him had me considering that perhaps we have been working on similar issues together without knowing it. Another dream was obviously a guide message where I was shown the pages of a book and a finger pointed to a name: Pete. Then later the name changed to Petra. It was very vivid and I recalled meeting a guide whose name was Peter in a past OBE. But who was Petra? My research showed Petra to be simply the feminine of Peter. In the end, I concluded that the message was that “Peter” could come in both male and female form. This made perfect sense to me because we are neither male or female. It is our bodies that have this distinction, not us.

Emotionally I have noticed significant gains since starting yoga. The most notable being yesterday. I felt completely at ease all day yesterday. I also was allowing myself to enjoy the obvious wins I have had in life up to this point. In other words, my thoughts had shifted to thinking of the many blessing of my life. I spent much of the day reacting to things in a completely opposite way than is my norm. I started the day forgetting my lunch and snack at home. Instead of beating myself up for it, I decided to make the most of it and called my husband to come have lunch with me. He was surprised and pleased and we had a nice lunch together. I even ended up going over my normal lunch time. But rather than worry over it, I just stayed at work later than normal. I also had prepared poorly for a group I was conducting, had to deal with an unexpected situation at the last minute so could not properly prepare with the little time I thought I had, and then the printer would not print! I went ahead to the group, unprepared and completely okay with it. All went smoothly. Even the evening went smoothly and without incident.

Physically I have not been so great. My body has been aching more than normal. These are both the aches from using muscles that are not normally used and the aches that weight lifting had eliminated. Since I did no weights all week, my entire back is again stiff in the mornings and I feel like I am much older than I am. I also had a cold most of the week, though now I am much better. So overall, my main complaint is the aching.

What I will likely do next week is return to my normal routine but incorporate yoga into it. Hopefully that will help with the muscle stiffness that has returned while helping me continue to improve my spiritual and emotional health.

Housecleaning

I’m sick. I feel pretty bad right now but I took some ibuprofen and am starting to feel better. I have had to take it twice a day since I got sick two days ago. This morning I kept thinking, “I am sick” over and over. I realized I should stop or I would make it worse, so I stopped. I am feeling much better now but it could just be the ibuprofen.

I slept so hard last night that when I woke my body felt oddly heavy and unresponsive. I had to drag myself out of bed and once I did I felt sicker than I did before I fell asleep. it is like my body is telling me to go back to bed. But I can’t. I am Mommy today to my two youngest. Life must go on, whether I am sick or not.

Housecleaning

I couldn’t help but notice there are quite a few blog posts out there discussing the equinox as well as the cleansing and healing that is going on at a very deep level for so many. I know I am experiencing such a “purge” and it has manifested in illness. Yuck. The healing is also beginning to create welling up of emotion out of nowhere. Last night I had memories of my past pop into my head out of nowhere. Old friends I had hurt or wronged in some way. People who I had long forgotten about making their way back into my mind, and my heart. This has been going on in my dreams for a few days but only last night did it finally make it to my heart.

I have been drawn to write down all these memories and the harm I have caused. I feel drawn to do it but I am so sick and life has been so busy that I have not had time to follow through on the intention. It seems not to matter. I am continuing the process on the subconscious level as I make my way through my days, as I dream and as I contemplate my days over my evening cup of tea.

The energy seems denser and heavier to me right now. I have seen this written in other blogs – this dense, heavy feeling is common to many right now. Yet “they” seem no where near me. And last night, as I thought of old friends who I had not seen in a long time, I longed for their company. I felt/feel very alone in my experience and recognized just how alien I feel in my own life right now.

lifeYoga

I wrote recently how I accidentally purchased a Kindle book while trying to correct a black Kindle screen. The book was called Where in the Om am I?. I have been reading it because I figured I might as well and so far it has had some good messages for me. The author of the book reminds me of myself in many ways and her struggles mirror many of my own.

Now that I am 90% through the book I am starting to think that I need to revisit yoga. I have done it in the past but its slowness never appealed to me. I found it boring, actually. But there have been too many signs in my life suggesting that I need to do something different in my life. And oddly, those signs have been pointing to yoga.

For example, before I even accidentally bought the book, I got an email from my boss inviting me to consider taking a yoga class at work. I immediately dismissed it because, well, it was yoga and I didn’t have time. A week later I accidentally bought the book Where in the Om am I? and yoga is the theme. Yoga. Boring yoga.

Recently, there was a chapter in the book where the teacher of the author’s yoga class told the class that high intensity cardio was not good for “highly anxious” people. I know I am highly anxious. I can’t seem to ever relax. So I looked it up. Sure enough, I discovered that high intensity cardio causes the body to react the same way it does to stress – high heart rate, sweating, increased cortisol levels, etc. Upon reading this, I remembered being told by someone (can’t remember who now) that I should not be exercising as much as I do because it was actually creating more stress. I thought, at the time, this woman who told me was completely ignorant. Exercise was a stress reducer not a stress causer! But it seemed finally that all the messages I had ignored finally got through. Maybe, just maybe, I have actually been increasing my stress through the type and intensity of exercise I was doing?

And then it happened. I decided I to stop my high intensity exercise routine I have been doing for so long. I plan to replace it with, slower, more stress relieving exercise – like yoga. So yesterday I took some time during my work day to do some yoga in my office. It wasn’t so bad. In fact, I wouldn’t mind doing it more often and I actually thought that I should go find that email offering yoga classes through my work. Today, if I am not feeling too ill, I will do a simple routine from off the internet. Maybe I will join the work class if there is one. Now that the message has finally gotten through there is no ignoring it anymore.

Integration

Finally, as if “cleaning house” is not tough enough – purging old grief and guilt, cleansing old wounds, healing past mistakes and losses, slowing down, incorporating yoga and meditation into my life, changing my diet – I am experiencing the result of the “merging” my guide warned me about so long ago. I knew that this merging process would result in less conversation with my guide and more integration of that knowledge into knowingness. The conversations would internalize and it would be quiet. I knew no more details. Until now.

What happens is very subtle and I wouldn’t have noticed it if I hadn’t been considering my own thoughts at the time. It happens when I am doing normal daily activities. For example, I was getting my middle son his umpteenth sippy cup of juice and I suddenly found myself mesmerized by his tiny little body running in front of me, so happy just to have gotten his juice. And a thought hit me, “He is beautiful I should be happy just making him happy”. And I caught myself enjoying life. It happened again and again. Every time I look into my baby’s eyes and see his face light up with pure joy. And I think to myself, “This is why he came at this time. To help me remember I can experience joy. That I can be happy”. And I feel blessed and grateful to him for his gift to me.

These moments are not as numerous as they should be. Yet. They will be. Merging and integration takes time. Until then, I should stop trying to rush ahead and enjoy the time in between. The time during the transition. This also was a lesson the author of the book I am reading learned. Perhaps that is what yoga will help me do? Enjoy the moments that I have been missing for so long. Just considering it makes me want to cry with joy.

Out of Sorts

I don’t normally post twice in one day but I have way too much going on to not.

I posted about my multiple OBEs first because I was afraid I would lose too much of what happened. As it was, after I initially posted I had a memory about a shadow man that I had to add and even now memories are coming back to me. I recall seeing and discussing crystals with a man (one of my guides) while OOB. The memory is fuzzy so not sure if I will add it or not. However, it has convinced me that healing is on the agenda for me and that no matter if I refuse, it will continue.

Jet Blue

No doubt you all have heard by now about the Jet Blue scare that happened on Thursday. It has been all over the media and social media has popped up with selfies, photos, videos and personal accounts of the near-miss. Well, what you don’t know is that this specific event hit very close to home for me. My husband was on that flight.

My husband was doing some work in California and had scheduled his flight home from Long Beach that day. The entire morning, my middle son was talking about Daddy coming home. In fact, he was so excited to see his Daddy again that he was refusing to eat saying, “I’m gonna wait for Daddy”. He kept asking, “When is Daddy coming home?” And I kept telling him, “Not until after lunch”. He also kept asking, “What time is it?” but this is a normal question for him right now.

The last time my son asked about his Daddy I was about to jump into the shower. It was about 11:30am. When I came downstairs after my shower I saw I had missed a call and had a voice mail. I saw the call was from my husband and tried to call him back but it went directly to voice mail. So I listened to my voice mail and heard the unexpected.

My husband’s voice was calm when he said, “Our plane had to turn back because one of the engines went out. We landed and had to slide down the emergency slide. I am fine.” Minutes later, he called me back and told me more. He still sounded calm. My first thought was, “Wow!” My second was, “I never suspected any of it”.

When my husband arrived home at 8:30pm that night he was still pretty calm. He finally did confess to me, however, that when the engine blew, there was a loud bang followed by immense amounts of smoke. He said when this happened, his first thought was, “I am going to die”. Then he immediately reached out and took the hands of the two men sitting to either side of him. He told me, “There is nothing like thinking you are going to die to get you to really appreciate life”.

Emotionless

I am actually still waiting for the impact of my husband’s near-death experience to hit me. But it hasn’t. I am happy he is okay, but I never felt he was not okay. I never even suspected anything was amiss. My son must have because he was so tuned into seeing his Daddy all morning. Why didn’t I?

My husband spoke to me about his experience more yesterday and then mentioned it yet again today. It is obvious that it really affected him – for the better, too. I feel guilty for not feeling anything. I don’t even feel relief. What is wrong with me?

All I can say is that there must be something very wrong with me.

Healing

Last night I sensed again that something is very “off” with me, especially my energy. But I also think that there is something going on with the Earth’s energy and that, maybe, I am susceptible to it. Or perhaps I am just mixing up all the energy I am being bombarded with and as such it is making me feel very out of sorts.

As I prepared for bed last night, I knew I was in dire need of healing. I knew I needed to pick apart some of the things I have yet to confront in life. There are some things I am avoiding looking at. Why? Because I worry I will have to make changes. And change isn’t comfortable.

As I settled down to sleep, though, I did ask for help healing some of my internal aches and pains. So it is no wonder that I had dreams and OBEs that were along those lines. Yet, when I woke up, I was in a very sour mood. It has passed now, but it feels like I use to feel when I was a child I was told I needed to do something and I do not want to do it. What do I have to do?

Finally, one thing I did not mention in my other post, is that this healing I am getting is preparation for something. I remember as I came to full awareness after my last OBE, that I was speaking with my guide. I remember saying to him, “Is this what happens before…?” and he said, “Yes”. And now I am wondering, “Before what?”

I Wanna See Sunshine

I know I wrote recently that I was told while, also simultaneously knowing, that I need to stop going OOB for a while. Yet this morning I experienced more OBEs than I can count. I lost track after about my fourth exit from my body. In fact, I had so many that I hardly remember the first few, which is unfortunate.

Dream

Before my OBEs I awoke from a disturbing dream. In the dream, I was in a parking lot with a man who was stealing a woman’s dog. It was a brown and white Sheltie. The man had it wrapped up in a white blanket and was trying to drive off in his pickup truck. I climbed in holding a 22 caliber pistol strait at him and warned him that I would shoot if he continued trying to drive away. I stopped for a moment looking at the gun I was holding and thinking, “I don’t want to kill this man”. As I did, the gun shrank and appeared to be a BB gun. The man did not listen to me and began to shift the truck into reverse, so I shot him multiple times with the BB gun.

I grabbed the small dog and remember thinking how awful that anyone would want to hurt a defenseless animal. I felt so much sympathy for the little dog. At that moment I remembered my own dog, Trooper, and was filled with huge amounts of guilt and shame for how I allowed him to suffer before finally putting him out of his misery. The shame finally woke me up and I laid in bed near tears for a while, telling my guide I wanted the feeling to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

OBEs

I got up and used the restroom and tried to go back to sleep but I could not stop swallowing from a sudden onset of nasty postnasal drip. My body also felt very stiff and achy and the only position that was comfortable was laying on my back. Ugh! I am getting sick, I thought. The last thing I remember was thinking about my dog and how I was warned a year prior of his upcoming death. I was being hard on myself, telling myself I was “stupid” and “avoiding the inevitable” resulting in my dog, and me, suffering more than necessary. I remember telling my guide, “You told me, yet when the time came you were silent.” And I recognized this theme repeating in my life – being told of future things and then getting no information near the time the event occurs.

Cleaning Floors

The very next memory I had was being out of my body. I was in my Mom’s house standing in her kitchen watching the floor being cleaned by my middle son. It was an odd sight and I remember thinking, “Why is he cleaning the floor?” He was naked and had a white cleaning cloth in his hands he was using to scrub the floor. The kitchen furniture had been removed so all I could see was the brown tile floor and my 3 year old son cleaning.

I instantly knew I was OOB and so began to move away from the weird scene and towards the door. I wanted outside. Plus, it was dark and I wanted to see better.

When I opened the door it was still dark outside. I don’t remember much after this except feeling the familiar pull of my body. I also remember hovering right near my body for some time and having a conversation with someone.

Shadow Man

The next thing I remember, I was with several young people. I was laying in my bed and they were around me. I remember knowing I was OOB but I was too mesmerized by the people to really think about it. Everything felt so real and I was surprised by how solid I felt. It was so surreal! I kept looking at them and one took my hand and led towards a car. The other two people got in and I followed. The car was a small, red car but I am not sure what type, maybe a Honda Fit?

I don’t know where we went but I do remember moving in the car for a bit. The movement felt like we were floating rather than driving on a road. The trip is hazy, though, like I lost lucidity for some time. What I next recall is somewhat odd and scary, though. This time I remember seeing the back of a person I did not recognize. He was dark and I could not see anything except the lack of color. I was sitting very close to him when he turned around and grabbed me. I saw his face, but it was changing and shifting and I knew I should confront him because he was not real, he was me; my fears. But before I could do anything the fear caught hold of me and overwhelmed me. I instantly went back to my body. I did not awaken, though. Instead I opened my astral eyes and saw this blue veil, like a window curtain with light behind it. The light got brighter as I watched. Instead of following, I withdrew and allowed myself to settled into my body.

zebraZebra

There were several other exits from my body but they are all a blur now. I would leave, find myself in my Mom’s house, go outside and then be pulled back to my body. This happened about four more times before I realized I needed more energy and focus to make my experiences more worthwhile.

The next time I left my body, I opened my eyes to find myself in my Mom’s kitchen once again. It was dark but not so dark I couldn’t see and there were more people in the kitchen this time. All of them were cleaning the kitchen floor! I don’t know who the people were, but this time I spoke with them. I don’t remember what was said word-for-word, but it was about the floors and why they were being cleaned. The gist of our conversation was that the floors being cleaned were representative of me.

At some point in the conversation I wanted to go outside. But this time I wanted it to be light outside. I needed to see. I knew I needed energy for that to happen so I rubbed the palms of my hands together vigorously and said, “More energy please”. Then, I got the idea to ask for something else. I wanted to see what would happen if I asked to see my Higher Self. So, as I went through the door I stated, “I want to see my Higher Self” and then repeated it. When I opened the door it was still twilight but instead of seeing the front yard I saw a small, brown horse standing in front of me. When I saw him I was delighted and yelled out, “Hi!” and his name, but I cannot remember his name now except that it started with an “A” and was three syllables. Then I looked to my left and there was this enormous Zebra walking towards me. He was at least ten feet tall and very vivid. When I saw him I was delighted and said, “Hi Steven!” I noticed there were others with him, probably about three or four that I could count right off, but they were not as big and I don’t know if they were zebras or horses, just that they were all animals.  I insteantly knew I was seeing my guides and knew also they were coming to me in the form of animals for a reason, though the reason was a mystery to me.

As Steven the zebra approached me I got worried and backed up. The feeling was, “I don’t want this” as if letting him come closer meant something scary would happen. What? I don’t know. The minute I backed away I lost hold and fell back into my body with quite a bit of force. I immediately felt my pillow over my eyes and kept them closed as I recognized I was in my bed and there was no zebra coming toward me.

I Wanna See Sunshine

I knew I was still in-between states and could return whenever I wanted. So I made a plan. This time I would go back and I would make it light outside so I could see. I also kept the intention to meet up with my Higher Self.

I opened my astral eyes and found myself inside the house again but this time I was standing at the front door. I immediately went outside.

When I walked outside the door I was thinking about how I wanted to see light outside. With that thought I began singing a song at the top of my lungs – “I wanna see sunshine on my way”. As I sang, I noticed the outside was still dark but that there were sparks of light popping up and moving about me as if they were alive. It was like I was surrounded with stars or huge fireflies. The light moved around me and sparkled in the darkness.

At this point I saw that I was holding hands with my daughter. I was delighted! She did not speak to me but I could feel her little hand and see her very clearly. I wanted to show her how to fly, so I took her hand and pulled her up with me as I launched up into the sky. I was still singing at the top of my lungs – “I wanna see sunshine on my way”.

As we topped the trees, I looked down and saw construction machinery, bulldozers and backhoes. Each of them was sitting digger-1198220-min an illuminated bubbled of white light and surrounded by black. It was like someone wanted me to see each of the machines rather than the trees and land around them. The visual of the construction equipment is still the most vivid memory I have of this experience. They were very out of place.

Once I saw the machinery I noticed I was still singing at the top of my lungs, my hand still holding my daughter’s hand. We continued to face the machines as a force began to pull up backward and upward. I continued to sing as I noticed buildings and lights flash by us as we increased in speed. I felt like I was flying backward at hundreds of miles per hour.

I remember thinking we just passed San Fransisco and were heading toward the Pacific Ocean. I remember seeing a flash of the San Francisco bridge and the lights of the city sparkling in the dark of early morning. I then wondered how far we were going to go. Where were we going?

With my concern growing the scene blacked out all at once and I immediately woke up in my body. I felt my hands resting on my stomach and began to move them. When I did, I noticed they were tingling and numb. I also heard my daughter scream something and knew it was morning and my children were already up.

Hot Tub

Despite moving and noting that it was morning, I managed to find my way back out of my body. This time I was standing next to a hot tub. Inside it were two women and one man. They were lounging in it and I was looking at them and talking to them about why I was not able to stay OOB for as long as I wanted to. I could hear the bubbles of the water as it circulated around the hot tub and see the steam from the heat dancing in front of the faces of the occupants. I remember saying, “I am having trouble with having enough energy” and “I wish I could stay out longer”. The whole time I felt happy and at ease; almost bubbling over with joy and excitement. The people in the hot tub felt like family. In fact, I remember feeling a bit confused because I kept thinking of them as my siblings but they did not look like my brother and sisters. The man was very feminine looking, almost asexual, with dark hair. The women had light brown hair but I do not remember much except their eyes and how they looked at me lovingly. All three of them appeared to be quite young, probably around 20 at the most.

At some point I decided I wanted to get into the hot tub. I put my arm in the water and felt that it was very warm. I commented on its warmth as I allowed myself to be surrounded by the water. I then looked at the guy who was straight in front of me and he said, “What?” I said back to him, “You know what”, and went straight toward him, convinced that my energy problem stemmed directly from a blockage in my root chakra.

I woke up soon after this feeling a buzzing in my root chakra along with some mild cramping and aching in my abdominal area. I knew instantly that I was OOB specifically to help clear my energy blockages. I still felt sluggish from sleep and tried to go back OOB but my daughter came in with my husband telling me they wanted me to go out to eat breakfast with them. I still had the song I was singing in my head as I got out of bed.