Revelations and Updates

Some messages I have received recently:

From Call the Midwife season 5 episode 7:

Prayers aren’t always answered the way one would hope but they are generally answered. And the answer He gave me was this: When things change we have to find a different way. Now whenever I do up a button or a shoelace I’m reminded of the need to keep learning.

A reminder we all need from time to time.

Nothing stays the same. We don’t stay the same ourselves. And all the time the world keeps spinning faster.

Another quote that caught my attention:

But my first child and my second child both died. One in my belly and one in my arms.

I’m sorry.

Why are you sorry?

It’s just something we say in England, when someone says something bad happened.

It is in the past now. This baby’s in the future, which is why you should never be sorry, just be glad.

And still another:

Sometimes there is no map for the road we find ourselves upon. It lies ahead, uncharted, unfurling into the mist. We are all travelling through one another’s countries. But it is no matter if we meet as strangers, for we can join forces and learn to love. And where there is friendship and affection there is the place we can all call home.

These quotes/scenes and more have been inciting tears. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders; like torrents of flood waters pouring through my very Being and I can’t breathe for the ceaselessness of them. Last night I was overcome by the emotion yet again and rather than question it or judge myself for the feelings I was feeling, I just allowed them to flow because I knew it would not last long. A silent and reassuring voice from within said, “It will pass.” It always does and part of me saw the emotion and the experience of the moment as a Divine blessing. I understood that my human body and mind is not capable of holding onto it all. So, I need to give it up, to give it back to where it came from…..wherever that might be. In giving it up I am cleansed and one step closer to fully embracing the sanctity of this existence.

Amidst the emotional purging there has been clarity on so many things. Lessons are becoming obvious, gifts received finally opened. The exhaustion and apathy I’ve been feeling transforming into surrender, slowly but surely.

After several days of reflection, a thought continues to resurface: “If I had to do it over again, I would not do it again.” When asked why I would not do it again, I replied, “It destroyed me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel empty.” I heard in reply, “Now you can be filled.”

“It” here refers to what occurred in December, 2015, almost two years ago now. Basically, if I could turn back time I would turn the other way, listening to my inner silence rather than giving in to my human urgency to be loved. The connection that I felt was misunderstood and blown way out of proportion by my human self. I have concluded now that the “connection” was merely the result of a newly opened heart which revealed to me a glimpse of my True self. My human side attributed the very “new” feelings to all the wrong things and had not the experience nor knowledge with which to cope appropriately. I continue to feel ill prepared but recognize that my body/mind/spirit has to be re-taught how to handle that which is my natural state. It is very obvious that my natural state is beyond beautiful, beyond powerful, so much so that my human self struggles immensely because she is buried under layers of illusion and belief.

Another revelation….. I saw myself as the character I play in this life. She seems so boring, so nondescript, so lonely and forlorn. It occurred to me that I should step out of that Beingness and look at myself from outside myself, like I am watching a television show of my life. When I did there was just love for the experience and recognition that I chose it because I saw it as beautiful. Every “bad” feeling, low mood, negative reaction just as wonderful as every moment of laughter, excitement, love, and friendship. All moments “will pass”, it is only the clinging to one over the other that makes once experience seem fleeting while another seems to last forever.

Somehow I have to learn to reject nothing and embrace all and do so without judgment.

Spiritual Considerations

I continue to feel repelled by the online spiritual community, channeled messages and energy forecasts I use to follow prior to July this year. The repetitiveness of the messages is really bothering me. It occurred to me that nothing in the messages has really changed over the last few years. They still say the next big wave is upon us, the incoming energy will bring about transformations and huge changes, etc, etc. Then there is the abundance of people jumping on the ever-growing spiritual bandwagon. It all just bothers the hell out of me. Something is very wrong with it. Every day I stop following another person on WP. Every day I stop following another person on FB. Soon there won’t be anything left to read.

I have always been one to listen to my own self/heart first, so none of the above is really out of the ordinary for me. However, the feeling I get from most if not all of what I am reading is nearing repulsion now. I go back day after day to blogs I use to frequent and try again to read their posts but am turned off within a sentence of two. It just doesn’t flow with me anymore.

The only answer I have to the above is that I am focusing on what really matters: love, family, life. The spiritual is part of all of it. There is no need to follow some channel or some energy forecast. No need to validate my journey from without. All of it is Some people still need to look outside themselves, some are still growing, building their foundations. So they can read or follow the blogs, channels, forecasts. There is nothing wrong with it and eventually they will come full circle, too. We all will.

Interesting little tidbit I want to add now. As if to remind me of my own need for validation there was a time last week when wherever I went I kept getting messages from the environment that said, “Walk-in”. It was ridiculous how frequent it was! I actually had a post on it and then opted to not finish it. That very day I saw this on my way to pick up my family photos:


I actually laughed out loud when I saw it, thus I had to take a picture to document it.

Then, yesterday I think it was, someone commented on my other blog, the one about walk-ins. I didn’t know how to respond. How do I feel about the subject now? I didn’t know. Ultimately, I still don’t know what to say about it. Part of me is not even sure such a thing really exists. Something obviously happened, is happening to me, but really it seems more like a mental illness – a personality break of sorts – than a spiritual phenomena. At this time the best I can come up with is that I am in a transition period and at some point in the future it will all be crystal clear. All I can say for sure right now is that I have changed, am changed and will continue to change. Change is the only constant.


Last night the Kundalini visited more than once. Consciously I accepted it and even upon waking it swirled and raged, especially around my root and crown. At one point, when the energy was feeling quite strange and almost unsettling I heard, “Stay calm.” At that moment I became more alert to the energy in my crown area. Prior to that, I had received a long, rope-like object composed of tiny threads weaving in and out in spiral fashion. I was to attach one end to my crown and the other to my root. The Kundalini was everywhere but the feeling was unlike anything I have felt before. It was almost as if the space between my root and crown was a vast void with no beginning and no end.

I could not return to the in-between and began to think of all the things I needed to do, specifically that I need to get a run in today. I heard my guidance say, “You need to rest.” It occurred to me then that my recent lack of motivation and desire to “do nothing” in terms of exercise and running was likely more than just my being “lazy”.

Updates on Physical Issues

This morning I have a headache but nothing major. My acne ailment is almost completely healed. In fact, my complexion is glowing and radiant. I will be tapering off of my antibiotics slowly over the next couple of weeks.

My body seems to be adjusting to the birth control. I don’t know if the emotion I am having is related or not. Could be, I guess. The pain in my ankles is gone but I did burst a vein on my right ankle. It is likely it was caused by the BC because higher hormones do effect vein elasticity. It could mean more vein issues in the future.

I am still having panic/anxiety but mostly when I am running. I only ran once this week because the weather has been crazy here in Texas. One day it was near 80 degrees and the next it was snowing (yeah). On that one run I almost ended up in a full-on panic attack out of the blue. These moments of panic come from feeling like I am not in my body when I run. My legs contact solid ground but instead of feeling grounded I feel the opposite, as if I will leave my body via my crown at any moment. The panic comes from my human mind immediately worrying that I will not be in control of this body. Scenarios of passing out on the sidewalk or running into traffic shift me into panic mode. I have to tell myself, “I’m okay. Everything’s fine”. But on this particular day a part of me embraced leaving my body and had no concern or worry of what might happen if I did. Once I ignored the panicking side and listened to the other my anxiety lessened and then dissipated. After that I still opted to take a route away from busy roads just in case. lol


I’ve been having disconcerting dreams about my sister lately. Her birthday is today but I am unable to communicate with her or send her a gift or card because she and her husband have purposefully withheld their address from family. The feeling is that either she is currently struggling or that more severe struggles await her and her husband. It saddens me, especially since she is mostly hurting herself by disconnecting like she is.

My family recently had family photos taken. Here are a couple of them:

Since these photos were taken I have been ever so grateful for my many blessings. At times I am overflowing with gratitude. The smallest of moments make me smile. For example, I have been reading to my youngest in the evenings. He has been requesting that I read to him nightly and brings book after book to me. Every time I read to him he snuggles up close and always either holds or strokes my arm or hand. It is the sweetest thing. I don’t think either of my other two children ever did that.



A Warm Heart(h)

Life continues to be busy. It leaves me with little time to myself these days which means little time for spiritual considerations other than dreamtime. I haven’t meditated in a very long while, unless you count the moments prior to sleep when I check-in with my guidance and/or say a small prayer.

I want quickly update you all on the physical crap I have been experiencing.

My skin is finally clearing up, though slowly. I can look in the mirror without cringing now at least. I started using a seaweed treatment a couple of days ago that I believe is helping heal and calm my skin. It’s called Aalgo and I bought it a while ago for some mild eczema I had. It is known to help with all kinds of skin ailments including acne. I took a long, hot bath with it and also applied in in paste form to my face as a mask.

I’ve been on birth control for four days but already forgot to take a pill. lol No migraines from it but I have had a headache for three days on and off but I attribute it to the cold I’ve had that is finally letting up.

I got my crown repaired but it is a temporary crown meaning I have to return and go through it all over again in 2 weeks. My dentist ordered the new crown in some kind of high-tech polymer that is harder than the porcelain of my old one. The good news is I gave in and took the Nitrous Oxide and it really, really helped. I should have been taking that stuff all along. It was like being buzzed drunk and high at the same time. hehe I did have a moment of nearly passing out but I reacted to it like it was no big deal. I actually asked to stay longer because I was more relaxed than I have been in a very long time. In fact, the effects of it seemed to stay with me for over an hour after the procedure – a kind of happy, dreamy feeling. So I am looking forward to my next dose in 2 weeks and not worried if I have more dental work to be done in the future. At $22 a pop it is well worth it.

Yesterday was spent holiday shopping which, despite having my youngest with me, was a pretty enjoyable experience. I have decided to do the 12 days of Christmas theme with my kids this year meaning they will get to open one present a day for 12 days. The first will be the smallest and they will get increasingly bigger the closer to Christmas day we get. Believe it or not it will save us money. My daughter has mixed feelings about it. She wants to have 12 days of Christmas and then heaps of presents on Christmas day, too. Always wanting more….sigh.

My financial worries are lessening. I lost motivation to look for work and have not heard on the one job I applied for. I don’t much care because I am certain my mental/spiritual state is not ideal for working right now. Thankfully, my husband reported to me yesterday that he got a substantial raise for his excellent performance. It was a relief to hear. I really prefer to not work because with all I have to do as a mom it would just deplete me like it did before. I can’t handle that right now.

High emotion continues to plague me. I will get teary-eyed and sad out of the blue. It reminds me of when I was pregnant. It could be a hormonal issue or just part of the healing work I’ve been doing.

Panic has been low. I did have one moment the other day. It was an odd experience. I was out to eat with my youngest when I suddenly seemed to come into awareness of my life, like waking from a dream. The sudden acuity was overwhelming. I could hear every noise, feel every breath in and out, every heart beat, smell every smell. And it was all so new to me, like I had never been in a physical body before. As it began to freak me out and the panic rose from within I heard a quiet voice say, “It’s okay.” Immediately I relaxed and the experience stopped as suddenly as it began.

Dream: A Warm Heart(h)

My sleep continues to be deep but now the dreams are more lucid and memorable. It is like the heaviness of sleep is slowly being peeled away the closer to the full moon we get. I had two very memorable dreams last night, this one was quite thought provoking.

I was preparing for my wedding (union of masculine and feminine). The groom was very well-off financially and the preparations were underway for a very posh wedding. No expense was to be spared. My dress was of the highest quality – silky white, smooth and flowing.

As we were rehearsing I grew more and more nervous. The main memory I have is that I wanted everything perfect and was worried something would ruin my big moment. I don’t remember my husband-to-be much except for a vague image of a Ken Doll-like man wearing a gray tuxedo. My maid of honor was rushing about doting on me the whole time and in charge of the ceremonial arrangements. I remember her being with me most of the dream.

On the big day while we were lining up to walk out for the ceremony, I suddenly needed to use the restroom (purification). I wandered into a bathroom and somehow ended up standing barefoot on the banks of a huge, swollen, muddy river (turbulent, cloudy emotion). I had to go across to get to my wedding and knew it would ruin my dress (expectation). Despite this I waded across the river and was met on the other side by a Hindi woman who would not help me but kept warning me of the deep water (emotional overwhelm) in front of me. I had to crawl up the muddy banks on my own and my dress was destroyed.

When I returned my maid of honor helped me picked another dress. I opted for a dated, lacy dress that did not match my modern wedding theme. It had a heavy veil (not wanting to see something) and wrap. I knew it was sub par but I had to wear something appropriate. When wearing it I felt to be wrapped up tightly in a blanket and could barely see through the thick, lace veil.

Because of the change in my dress we lost many guests and I knew they were never our friends anyway. I recall sitting with my husband with a group of people as the gifts were passed out. Instead of gifts, though, my husband passed to me wads of $100 and $50 bills (abundance). There was so much that it heaped up in a huge pile and he kept asking me to take a wad for myself. I didn’t know which to choose – the $50 or $100 wad of money.

As the wedding approached I became ever more nervous. The location of the wedding appeared to be in a large, open space like a concert hall (knowledge/wisdom). There were so many people in attendance – maybe a thousand or more.

When I was preparing to step out the ground I was on turned and became unstable. I stumbled off the turntable I was on and lost my veil. I quickly put it back on but as I did my entire gown fell off to the ground. I stood there stunned wearing only my slip and underwear (exposed/vulnerable). I froze thinking my worse fears had come to pass while at the same time how hilariously funny I must appear standing there near naked. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry but I felt utterly alone and exposed. I couldn’t move and stayed hidden there not daring to walk out into the open and stand on the white platform where I was to meet my groom and exchange vows.

Then my husband-to-be walked around the corner to the spot where I was hiding. He was wearing normal clothing and looked nothing like the Ken Doll man I had seen earlier. In fact he was fat and old and not at all someone I would be attracted to or want to marry. He was smiling and his smile calmed me substantially, making me want to giggle with relief.

He gently pulled aside the heavy, lace veil so I could see him clearly. Something about seeing him made me feel shy and awkward. Then he offered me his hand and introduced himself. There was a feeling from him of, “Let’s do this properly.” I shook his hand and introduced myself in return. I can’t recall either of our names now, not even my own.

He said, “Now, don’t you feel better?” He opened his arms inviting me to hug him. The feeling he sent me was that all would be okay and I was not alone. It washed over me like a blanket and I felt secure and safe. My heart warmed and began to buzz with love and friendship, spreading across my chest pleasantly. I replied to him, “Yes,” and hugged him tightly.

I remember thinking the man unattractive and knowing the old me would reject him. But the me in that moment didn’t care. He could have been the ugliest man in the world, old as dirt and fat as hell and I wouldn’t have cared. With him I could be fully myself. I could cry, be stupid, funny, bitchy, ugly, fat, clumsy, imperfect….and he would accept and love me. None of the rest of my considerations about life mattered anymore. With him I could move mountains.


I woke up feeling warmth in my heart chakra and a bliss-type sensation I have not felt in a long time. There was an obvious lesson/message from the dream and I knew it all at once, like I had spent the entire dream in a conversation. The man from the dream was there still, a guide I suppose or maybe someone else, I’m not sure. He continued to talk with me, reassuring me and helping me understand what I had just occurred.

One message was that no plan of mine will turn out quite like I want. I can’t control everything. There will always be twists and turns, unexpected outcomes and challenges.

The dream also showed me how much I put on a show for others, putting all my energy into making others like/accept me, trying to fit in, trying to look good and acquire lots of things. In the end none of it matters, though and all of it, every single falsity will break down and crumble away. In the end I will be left with nothing, completely exposed. When this happens the only thing left is love. The message was that this love is always there, always with me and I am never alone. I felt it, too, in the moment when I hugged the man. I would have given everything in my life for the feeling, to be there with him. In that moment it was enough and nothing else mattered.

When I woke he told me, “You will always have enough.” I saw the path that is my life, the lesson I am learning and I understood. It is hard to put into words now but the feeling and understanding remains. The dream is wholly symbolic of the breaking down of the Ego, the shattering of false self and letting go of things that really do not matter.

The reason I named the dream A Warm Heart(h) rather than “heart” is because when I was typing it “hearth” was what I typed. I recognized the symbolism/message. Home…..Heart…..Hearth….they are all the same thing, bundled up together, warm and cozy and full of love.

Another message I received was that I would achieve the feeling and connection from my dream in this life. It is all I aspire to now anyway. The experience of coming face-to-face with love and friendship such as that has changed me. I can no longer accept anything less and now I struggle to find my way because of the feeling of it being entirely lacking in my life. It was obvious to me that the path ahead will be similar to the dream. I do not look forward to wading across that muddy river but the laughing bubbling up in the dream in response to my utter failure at holding my life together is memorable. I have never wanted to laugh so hard and I am certain had I given into it I would have felt immeasurable relief.

Kundalini Dream: Dancing

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you have a wonderful day with family and friends. 🙂

My family already had one of our Thanksgivings last night at my Mom’s house. The next one is this afternoon at my BIL’s house. Interestingly, I had two glasses of chardonnay without even the slightest hint of anxiety.

I am not enjoying eating the wonderful food, however. My new retainers hurt more than my braces ever did. When I take them out I have to suffer through sore teeth while I eat. No bueno. The discomfort is supposedly normal and will pass in a few days but the timing is bad. It didn’t keep me from eating too much, though. lol

Kundalini Dream: Dancing

Had another surprising Kundalini dream. This one was muted in comparison to the night before but still noticeable enough to bleed through to physicality.

In the dream I was with a group of people inside a small, cozy home that had an overall golden hue to it. It felt warm but it was warmth of friendship, not temperature. There was dancing and I remember my husband grabbing my hand and dancing with me while kissing me. I don’t remember the kissing sensation or even much at all about this part of the dream except that it was my “husband” I was with and that we were dancing. The whole thing felt commonplace and uneventful.

What I recall most vividly is at one moment standing and talking to a tall, dark haired man who I thought of as my BIL. The next thing I know he takes me by the hand, pulls me close to him and begins to dance with me. He swirls me around and around in circles, our chests touching, passionately kissing me the entire time. I do remember the sensation of kissing and how wonderful it was. I thought, “This is really nice…..and I don’t like kissing that much.” I remember him swinging me away from him and then pulling me straight toward him. Then he kissed me quite intensely and the kiss shot energy throughout my body that was so intoxicating I lost my balance and nearly fell to my knees. He caught me and said, “That’s enough.” Then he turned and walked away.

I collapsed to the floor breathless, the energy still pouring through me. I fell face down on the floor and just laid there for a while. I felt “drunk”. The room was spinning as if I was still twirling around and around. I was giddy happy, though, and reveling in the ecstatic bliss of the energy that had overtaken my body.

Eventually I stood up still intent on taking a walk to clear my head of the lingering drunk feeling. I remember seeing my husband and excitedly telling him, “Your brother and I just made out!!!” I thought it was hilarious for some reason. I don’t recall his reaction or if he was even there. In fact, throughout this whole dream experience I cannot recall ever actually seeing my husband. There is only a blur of blonde hair in my memory.

As was preparing to go on my “walk” a man and woman approached me. The woman laid out on the bed all kinds of hair clips, bows and ties. I was giddy and felt inspired to do my hair and put on bright red lipstick. I tried to pull my hair up with a rubber band but it wouldn’t work so I opted for a hair clip. The whole time I was chattering away about my experience but can’t recall my words. I felt truly alive. It was a marvelous feeling!

There is memory here of being told about a group of men who had gone on a hike into the mountains despite the bone chilling cold. They were unprepared for the sub-zero temperatures but insisted on going on their hike. All four of them were found the next morning in a tiny cabin frozen solid. They were sitting in a circle holding hands encased in a block of ice. The woman said they had a bag of grain that had burst and so there was grain embedded in the ice. I remember saying it would smell terrible when the frost came in the Spring.

Undeterred, my walk was again interrupted. This time it was with news that a woman’s cell phone had been found with an arrow in the middle of the screen. The arrow was made with flint. There was discussion that the woman had encountered Native Americans. It seemed like she had broken a rule of some kind but I am unsure. My memory is mostly of seeing the black cell phone with a flint arrowhead embedded in it.

The last thing I recall is seeing and following a black and white cat into a room. I recall someone saying I needed to “catch it”, but the dream ends before I do.

When I woke up I felt energized and well rested. A song was going through my head, “When I said that I loved you, I meant that I loved you forever….And I’m gonna keep on loving you….” Funny that I keep getting REO Speedwagon songs. lol

There was a Knowing that I have recently been in communication with my counterpart during dreamtime. It was so real that it felt like I had just spoken to him despite having no actual memory of it, like I could reach out and physically touch him. I asked why I couldn’t remember. I was told it was to save me from the sadness that would inevitably result from our separation and the Knowing that we could not be together. I understood, remembering the dreams from last year where in seeing him in dreamtime I felt terrible agony, as if my heart were being ripped from my chest or stolen never to be returned. I had requested of him not to visit me anymore, telling him it was too painful for me. I have not seen him with such acuity in my dreams since. If I do see/sense him it is dulled, his features hidden from me and my human consciousness separate from the experience. He is always distinguishable, however, by his dark hair and stature.

I miss him.

Dream Interpretation

It is still curious to me that I called him my BIL. This was not the first time, either. Perhaps it is to relay that we are “family” and to be together would be “taboo” somehow? IDK but part of me wishes the human side of me could experience his visits again despite the pain that inevitably will result.

The four frozen men from my dream has me wondering, too. Something being frozen in a dream indicates suppression or rejection of something. Suppression of the masculine? It is unclear, but the number 4 might be significant.

Grain represents abundance, growth and happiness. It was also frozen; suppressed. The reference to it smelling bad in the Spring could indicate that I am aware of something on the horizon that will not be pleasant, some reckoning perhaps.

The cell phone represents communication. It is pierced by an arrow with a flint tip. Flint symbolizes endurance, livelihood and longevity or the spark of a new idea. The arrow represent a release of tension related to targets or goals. Perhaps my goal is communication and at some point I achieve this goal and it releases within me some new idea or revelation? Yet there is reference to the arrow in the phone as being against the rules as well as a part of a Native American tribe. Native Americans symbolize freedom and the uninhibited aspects of one’s character. Perhaps I cross some invisible boundary or do something “taboo” but that frees me in some way?

Then there are the hair bows, the rubber band and the red lipstick. Hair bows/clips represent femininity. The rubber band means an expansion in thinking. The red lipstick symbolizes sexuality and sensuality. Similarly, the cat represents the feminine and I need to “catch” it. All together it symbolizes a feeling of embracing the feminine.



Kundalini, Dreams and Music Messages

Last night was a rough night emotionally. I got out my laptop to check my email and such and immediately noticed one of the posts had 444 views. In that moment I felt to my left the presence of one of my guides.  Ignoring him and shrugging off the message, I moved on to Netflix. I started watching Call the Midwife and adjusted my laptop. That’s when I saw the reflection of one of my paintings in the screen. The particular painting was the symbol that represents what happens when two complementary energies/souls meet.  I tried to ignore the image but it kept coming up despite my changing my laptop’s position. Eventually the image caused me to focus on it and the 444 came back to mind along with a message that I was not alone. I burst into tears and a huge outflow of emotion seemed to well up from deep within.

This time last year I was going through a very difficult time and if I compare it to what I am experiencing now I am grateful to be where I am. With Thanksgiving coming I should be focusing on gratitude, we all should, but when the sadness hits me and my heart overflows I struggle to see the blessings in my life. I am overcome with regret and grief. At the time of this outflow of sorrow I couldn’t help but think to myself, “I made the wrong decision.” My guidance has always said, “There are no mistakes, just choices” and I agree wholeheartedly but the suffering I am causing myself is undeserved. Yet I can’t seem to stop it. It certainly feels like I am punishing myself but I don’t know why.

Kundalini and Dreams

To my surprise I had some Kundalini energy in my dreams that woke me up early on in the night. I can’t recall anything of the dream now except bending down to pick up something and then being hit with energy in my root chakra. I only woke briefly and returned to sleep to have more of the same energy continue throughout the night. I did not wake again from it, though.

My only guess as to the source of the very strong root chakra energy is my choice to be abstinent. Even in my dreams I am avoiding sexual encounters, talking myself out of it and reminding myself that I don’t need sex and that attraction to the male gender is to be avoided. My goal is to seek a higher connection with Source and sex only distracts from that (at least that is my reasoning).

My dreams from the night are disappearing from my memory even as I type this. I remember holding a necklace in my hand at one point. It was inside a box in a little girl’s room and connected to a memory being remembered in the dream. The necklace was gold with a tiny, emerald pendant in the shape of three leaves. I attempted to put it on but the clasp would not allow it.

The pendant reminded me of the Trinity Knot of Celtic origins and how it represents the Goddess as the mother, maiden and crone.

Image result for emerald meaning

In another dream I was cleaning up a bathroom and rearranging the counter, clearing it of debris for my mother. My sister’s stuff was everywhere and I was putting it in the cabinet and sorting through it. There was an abundance of makeup (putting on a mask, vanity, pride) and I remember thinking of my preference for not wearing much, if any makeup now.

Then there was a dream where I was helping two students with a new kind of math (logic, rationality). There was a name for it but I can’t recall it now. What I recall of it is that it was all circles with tiny numbers (mostly 8’s) and a device like a compass but in the shape of a crescent was used to draw the circles.

When I awoke songs were in my head. One in particular was from my youth. It use to be one of my favorite songs. I had all but forgotten the song existed until I heard it on the radio the other day. The specific part that was going over and over in my mind was this:

We don’t even have pictures
Just memories to hold
That grow sweeter each season
As we slowly grow old

Not long after this song was going through my mind, another song came to mind but only specific lyrics:

And I can’t fight this feeling anymore
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for
It’s time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

I have heard the song before and it was quite out of the blue that it came to me this morning. It seems the message is to not fight my feelings. That is a continual message I receive which indicates that I must be resisting feeling something. The only thing I can figure is that I am resisting feeling the pain that comes with the overwhelming love that I feel. It is love but it is pain and the two seem to go together. You can’t have one without the other I guess. But that seems wrong to me. What I think is that the pain comes from one’s past – past lives specifically – and beliefs about love. But then I’m not sure that is it either. I suppose I will figure it out at some point. The answer is probably super simple and my dense human mind keeps me from seeing it.

My guidance keeps urging me to communicate what I am feeling but whenever they suggest it I tell them, “It’s not good for me. It rekindles false hope.” There is also fear that in communicating what I feel I will expose myself to rejection and more pain/upset. As long as there is expectation there will be pain.

So my decision is to stay the course and hopefully, with time, I will find freedom from this sadness and heartsickness that has been plaguing me.



Kundalini, Tarot Reading and Reflection

I’ve been meaning to write sooner but each day I can’t seem to find the time and when I do find time I am either too tired or have lost motivation. Today is similar and even in writing this I am tempted to go lay on the floor (my attempt at meditation/grounding) for a while or take a bath rather than write. The tiredness comes from the previous four days of sleep deprivation. I seem unable to catch up no matter how many hours of sleep I accrue.

Additionally, our new puppy, Monty, requires tons of attention. I feel like a new mother! The only time I get to myself is when he takes naps. When he is awake I have to constantly monitor him and play with him. His morning nap is when I have scheduled my workout. His afternoon nap is when I am usually laying on the floor zoned out. lol By the evening he sleeps more but I am too busy with dinner and the kids to do much else. Once bedtime comes around all I want is sleep.

Speaking of Monty, he is settling into our family well. He has been kennel trained already meaning he goes to his kennel when he wants to sleep and play and will go into it when asked. He sleeps in it during the day and in the night without complaint, only whining when he needs to go potty. He is well on his way to being potty trained, too. He is a bit stubborn about the nipping/biting but then he is a herding dog so that is to be expected.

Here are some recent photos of him. He was 7 weeks old on Tuesday.



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Messages and Kundalini

The last four nights I have had messages in dreams along with Kundalini the last two nights. I have been so dead tired that I have forgotten most of the dreams except for last night’s.

Firstly, two nights ago I received a message that was simply two words: Portal and Change. They seemed unrelated but then I received it again but this time heard it as “Change. Portal.” The feeling I got was that change was coming and it was related to a portal and somehow both were connected to the planet Mars. In my tiredness I mentally sent an eyeroll and fell back to sleep. lol

Edit: I just realized this “portal” is likely the 11/11 portal. What is weird is that I thought we were long past 11/11. Not sure where I’ve been….oh yeah zoned out on the floor. lol And apparently Mars and the Moon will be doing a dance on the 14th. 🙂

That night I had a dream of which only a small portion remains. I have a vague recollection of working alongside a male companion under the instruction of a male teacher. We had late work to do and I cheerfully agreed to complete it since it was math and I am “good at math”. I remember heading my paper with “Worcester” only I spelled it with a “ch”. Then I wrote out four digit subtraction problems and was praised for my neatness.

Also, early that night, prior to the dream and message, I had Kundalini activity in my root chakra again. Just like last month it was a very physical experience but this time I didn’t awaken and almost forgot it except that the experience are very intense so some of that intensity bled through enough to remember it.

Last night I again had Kundalini activity early in the night. I have faint memory of a bright, white light accompanying root chakra activity and a very pleasurable sensation. This time I woke up from it but had cramping in my abdomen like IBS pain that took about 10 minutes to subside.

The following dream came early this morning:

Kundalini Dream: Extinguishing the Fire

I was with a woman in a school building. We were taking down Christmas bulletin boards and clearing out our classrooms. The woman had a tiny red ball that she would press up against the bulletin boards. It somehow pulled them off like a magnet and then dissolved the material. The bulletin boards came down fast because of this gadget.

I remember thinking we would be done soon and said to the woman, “I don’t know why they give us so much time to do this. I can get it all done in a day.” The feeling was we had a week similar to what teachers get at the end of the school year.

Then I noticed a small fire burning near the floor. It was coming from a strand of Christmas lights. No one noticed the fire but me but I knew if I didn’t put it out it would engulf the entire room and building. I found a fire extinguisher and fiddled with it. Someone asked me if I knew how to use it. I said I did and then flipped the little ring off and pointed it at a drain on the floor to see if it would work. It did and so I then directed it at the flames. They went out almost immediately.

When we were done I met two women. One was very tall and the other very, very small and child-sized. I greeted the first, hugging her and saying, “It’s so good to finally meet you!” When I went to hug the smaller woman she said, “You know we’ve met before.” I looked at her closely and knew somehow that she was really male despite her female appearance. I also knew the two were a couple and were trying to have a baby.

I ended up with the child-sized woman/man and seemed to get a lesson from her/him. She showed me in mental images male genitalia and explained how men can have multiple orgasms. I was fascinated by this and the more we discussed it the more lucid I became. My root chakra activated and shifted up into my second chakra. There was a “lesson” going on when this occurred but I only recall “extinguishing” the activity rather than giving into it. I do remember saying to the woman/man, “I need a partner.” When I said this is when I extinguished the energy despite very much wanting to give into it.

I woke up with the energy still very active and my lower chakras but it died down quickly.

Still really tired I attempted to sleep and ended up in the in-between. Most of what was discussed is lost to me now. I was just too tired to try and remember it all. However, I recall being told something about change and having a lot more coming. I suspect it has to do with the Kundalini but can’t be sure.

Part of a song was going through my head as I woke. Over and over I heard:

It’s not giving up, it’s letting go
And moving to a better place

It’s from this song:


My thoughts about the above dream are that it relates to the ending of my job/assignment as a “teacher”. The decorations being of a Christmas theme remind me of the many OBEs and dreams I’ve had with Christmas trees and gifts in them over the past several years. I seem to finally be moving beyond whatever this theme was all about. Gifts, Christmas….surprises, attraction or maybe expectation? IDK but the fact that I took that fire extinguisher and put out the fire to me is GOOD. I’m saying, “Nope. Not gonna be the effect of the ‘fire’ anymore.” Then the dream reiterates that I am ready to put out the fire because I literally shut down the Kundalini rather than give into it.

On Letting Go of Time

Yesterday in my exhaustion I opted to just browse FB rather than write in my blog. I ran across a post that jumped out at me. It seemed to be an explanation of the message I got recently – Let go of Time and Possibility – specifically the part in bold.

“hell is always doing things by laughing. It’s about living thinking about something else. Hell is never to be there, but always a little before or a little later, regretting something or waiting for another. It’s never gonna listen to you when you’re talking, ‘ cause you fuck around and there’s no reason for it to stop. Hell is life wasted waiting for life, thought wasted thinking of something else. This is where things become endless, where time passes, where time always goes far too slowly, where the days spread as centuries. As soon as we don’t see time, it’s that we went inside. And then everything lights up, everything lights up. The Kingdom is a state you reach when you don’t see time. It’s like party or love, but transferred to every moment of life. “

From: (pacĂ´me thiellement, the victory of the without)

The quote is an accurate description of why I feel Earth is hell. Time here seems like an eternity, mostly it seems I will never get to the end of this torture. Many years of my life I have spent waiting. Waiting for what? IDK but it seems like I am just waiting for something, passing time. That is how I feel right now. Passing time, keeping busy so that time goes faster. The only thing I look forward to right now is sleep. I wish I could sleep forever. <——— I’ve been saying that for years…decades even.

So to let go of Time would be a huge deal.

Tarot Reading

A few days ago my brother sent me a link to a tarot reading he did for me. It was very good and had some parts that really hit home for me. Mostly I received validation of messages I had received via my guides and my own intuition. Sometimes, though, validation is all one needs.

These are the cards he drew for me:




The cards are as follows: Empress reversed, Queen of Swords, Strength reversed, Ten of Wands, Temperance, The Moon, Page of Pentacles.

I won’t include the whole reading as it is too long. Therefore, I will include only what he wrote in bold because he felt it was most important to my situation.

Empress reversed: Reversed, the Empress suggests a loss of personal power through placing too much emphasis on another person’s emotional or material needs, thus neglecting your own…..This card can also suggest a dependence on other people’s feelings, indicating that you may be playing a waiting game now to see how your partner reacts and what emotion he/she displays. It is best not to do this but instead work through your own emotions independently of him or her. Notice that your next card is The Queen of Swords which further supports what was just said.


Queen of Swords: You are far more interested in career and ambitions than in emotional matters. The butterflies seemed to pop out to me when I drew this card (look at her gown). I haven’t really read any of your blogs recently but I remember seeing a butterfly in one of them.

Strength reversed: Strength reversed indicates weakness. You may have recently experienced a setback, or you are questioning your own journey and whether you are on the right track. Your inner strength and courage is lacking right now and you are feeling inadequate and vulnerable as a result. While these feelings may seem very real when you are in the moment, you will soon come to realize that they exist only to remind you that you are only temporarily out of touch with your inner strength. Similarly, the reversed Strength Tarot card suggests that you may be starting to doubt yourself and lose some self-esteem and self-confidence. Instead of taking the lead and manifesting your goals, you may be engaging in self-doubt and becoming dependent on others’ feelings and actions that then dictate your own. (Look at the top paragraph of The Empress)

Ten of Wands: Learn to delegate responsibility and do not take on more than you can handle.

Temperance: Moderation and wise management are the keys to success. You need to slow down, reevaluate your position, and remain open to compromise. The Temperance card reflects that you have a clear, long-term vision of what you want to achieve.  Patience and moderation will result in good management of all things. (Look at 10 of Wands) 

T6c7544799875e604a6c441bc92660637.jpghe Moon:  That which has been invisible or secret is coming to the surface.This is a time when you need to go deep into your soul and dredge up your anxieties, fears, psychic blocks and personality disturbances. This is a time when you need to go deep into your soul and dredge up your anxieties, fears, psychic blocks and personality disturbances.The card itself  reminded me of your new puppy. Especially since the card has two dogs and a Full Moon in the background (Notice that its a Full Moon today). I think it signifies something that needs to be uncovered within your psyche over your former dog, Trooper. Or maybe something even deeper that is bothering you. 


Page of Pentacles: The card does not indicate the fulfillment of dreams as much as the initial motivation and energy to begin the process of creating those dreams in reality. Therefore, this card encourages you to begin to put in place clear plans and actions that will ultimately lead you to achieve your dreams and goals. This is a time when you need to be able to apply careful planning in order to manifest your dreams and achieve your goals.

img_8060He also drew some advice cards for me. The one that stood out to me was the Spiritual Partnership card.

This card indicates a time when a significant spiritual relationship is about to be forged, Perhaps it comes in the form of a friendship between like-minded souls on a similar journey toward enlightenment. Or maybe its a master/disciple relationship where an important individual enters your life. The saying goes, “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, and when yours arrives, he or she will assist you in expanding your spiritual growth. During the course of this relationship, you will play the role of both teacher and student, and the wisdom gained form this experience will enhance your connection to Source. Perhaps a spiritually minded catalyst in another’s spiritual journey and help that individual on his or her path. Reason will broaden your understanding of the Divine. Regardless of the form this spiritual relationship takes, it will serve your greater good.


When I’m as tired as I have been and not as spiritually inclined I tend to receive messages in synchronicities and such rather than directly. One such sync occurred yesterday when browsing the astral projection group I am a part of on FB. I have long been disconnected from it so thought I would look through the recent posts. Turns out there was one where they were asking for OBE accounts where the experiencer meets up with a deceased loved one. Of course the one I recalled first off was the one where I met my dad in the astral in December, 2005. In it he warned me of my sister’s upcoming life struggles and asked me to help her. It was such an odd OBE because of how intent he was on passing along the message. Intent enough that he always turned the conversation back to my sister when I tried to change the subject. He must have really wanted to get his point across to put as much effort into contacting me as he did!

After I wrote my account of that encounter I was reminded of all that has been happening with my sister lately. Most recently my mom and step-father have been losing sleep because someone has been vandalizing their property in the night. If you haven’t been reading my other blog then you don’t know all the crazy family drama that has been going on. To keep it short, my sister and BIL were evicted from my mom’s house just a couple of weeks ago. It is suspected that it is my BIL who is doing the vandalizing.

The OBE with my father all those years ago seemed to echo in my memory as if my father was saying to me, “See. I told you. Hard times.” And up to this point it has been so very accurate a prediction. Since that OBE my sister has been through hell and though she seemed to come back from it for a bit appears to be headed back there.

Knowing and Returns

And then there are the sparks of Knowing that hit me out of the blue. I do my best to ignore them but one got through the other day. I was trying to sleep and one of my guides came close. I began to dramatize, whining about how horrible my life is and how I want to go Home, etc, etc (typical whiny me). He gave me a look like, “Give it up.” lol Then turned his back on me. I stopped and knew instantly I was being childish and this was “getting old”. I asked him, “What’s wrong?” He said, “You’re not listening” (sound familiar?). I immediately shut that part of me down and settled into my calm heart space.

The next morning I woke up feeling like I didn’t want to get out of bed and wanting to go into my “poor me” whining again. Instead, though, I felt someone cut me off mid-thought and when he did (it was that same guide) I Knew I would get everything I wanted. It hit me so strongly along with memory of previous Knowing of the same.exact.thing. I worried a little then that I would get what I wanted and it would end up being a hard lesson. lol Then I wondered what is was I wanted….well you get the idea. Thinking too much again.

This year I’ve not been the best at practicing what I learned prior. I was doing so good for so long, too. But honestly with all the letdown at the end of 2016 is was to be expected. I felt totally decimated and picking up the pieces of my crumbled Self has not been is not easy. The reading above is so right on with the Strength card reversed. I am depleted – mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Right now I am clinging desperately to the physical aspects because, well, it is the only part of me that seems strong still. In fact, I have not been sick since summer and am in the best shape I’ve been in since my 20s. But I can’t do anything with my physical life beyond shaping this body until I have rebuilt the other parts. I have to be mentally sharp and interested again, I have to reconnect with my heart and emotional center, and I need a strong spiritual connection.

Getting the new puppy has me wondering if perhaps I am at the ending of one cycle and the beginning of a new one. The old cycle would have begun in 2000 when I got Trooper. Now, with Monty, perhaps I have returned to similar lessons from the year 2000. I feel similar in many ways – the same questions, the same emotional state, feeling fractured and alone, not knowing what I want or where I want to go in life. Stranded, stuck, without courage.

I feel like I felt prior to 2014 when everything started ramping up spiritually. I am again asking myself, “What now? What’s left to do in this life? Is this all there is?” I am not excited about life, though I am trying to keep myself interested. I feel once again like my life is pointless and without meaning. I question living as a human, of procreation, of the cycle of life and death….of all of it. I look back on my life and find I’ve accomplished little to nothing of value and I don’t really care. Because of the Kundalini I don’t want to have sex ever again (lol yeah really) and so have been unintentionally practicing abstinence for…. months, I’ve lost count now. No physical sexual act will ever live up to what I have experienced, at least not unless it is melded with the spiritual and I’ve lost hope of that ever happening in my lifetime. So what is left? No sex, no enjoyment of everyday things, nothing to look forward to but…..sleep. You get why I wonder, “Is this it?” Maybe next I just need to suck it up and accept that, yep, this is it.

The Other Kind of Kundalini

I’m going to write about a Kundalini experience that I normally keep to myself. Why? Well, at first I thought I just didn’t want it to be misinterpreted but now I know it is because of my own discomfort with these particular experiences.

Kundalini Dream Experience

I was in a darkened hallway of a large high school that resembled a mall more than a school. My classroom had floor-to-ceiling windows and a typical store entry like one would find in a retail shop. When I entered, the room was empty and there was a laptop computer on my desk. Two female students entered and I greeted them. One was a beautiful African American girl who wanted me to help her with her shoes. She told me they did not fit well. I inspected two different pair – a dress shoe with a small bow on the tip and a pair of loafers. I recall her saying she was a 6.5 but that the shoes were too small. I selected the dress shoe and told her I thought she should wear them and not the “penny loafers” but corrected myself and said hers were not penny loafers. I explained the difference seeming to relish in a memory of my own pair of penny loafers from my childhood.

I told the girls I had to prepare for class and excused myself. Turning to my computer I tried to enter the password but totally forgot the password. I ended up hearing an inner voice ask me who was someone close to me. I cannot recall now what name I entered but the password worked.

That is when a male teacher entered and began talking to me. He seemed a bit aloof, mysterious and quiet. He took a piece of paper and scribbled on it, handing it to me when he was finished. It turned out to be a beautiful work of art, something amazing for the short time it took for him to draw it. I complemented him and asked him if he ever thought of being an author. He said he hadn’t and then showed me another of his drawings. Similarly fantastic, I was in awe of his talent and stared at it for quite a while. This drawing reminded me of a scene out of the movie What Dreams May Come.

This is when the dream gets more lucid. I am not sure what happened but I think now I must have been pulled into the drawing because I was following a naked woman up a very steep, grassy hill. She disappeared over the top and I struggled to climb up. I remember grabbing onto the edge of the top of the hill and hanging there until I was able to pull myself up on top.

On top of the hill I saw the woman entangled in the arms of the male teacher amidst hills of grass. The scene was reminiscent of some fairy fantasy world with tall, weeping willows and a ray of sunlight illuminating the couple. They were obviously in the midst of love making so I kept my distance. The strange thing here is that both of them seemed to merge and then morph into something else. What I recall seeing is a very large, elephant-man but with many appendages that all looked like trunks. This elephant man’s skin was flesh colored and pink with many wrinkles, very much like an albino elephant might look.

The “trunks” reached toward me and one made contact and entered me. I experienced it like intercourse except that it was unlike any sexual encounter I’ve had.  The trunk seemed to move all the way through me, igniting in me a passion that I could not resist.

I tried to disconnect from this massive trunk and get away but the trunk just stretched and extended like some kind of tentacle. In my memory I have the sensation of becoming one with the tentacle-like appendage as an explosion of energy surged up through my center.

All I recall of the rest of the experience is a very pleasurable orgasm that transferred to my physical body causing the dream scene to dematerialize very quickly. It woke me up and as I lay in bed, stunned by what had just happened, the energy lingered and my heart and head began to swirl in a counterclockwise direction. The only way to describe the feelings in my heart and head is to say that they orgasmed while swirling with vivid color. The color most memorable was the bright white that consumed my entire head. Yet I didn’t see the color with physical sight. Instead I felt it and it impressed upon me the color of white.

Still very tired and wanting to sleep, I drifted into the in-between where someone was talking to me and I felt very drunk. Every once in a while I would be awakened by vivid images along with chunks of information. One time I saw large bowls. The largest was bright red. It was the size of a very large mixing bowl but made of some kind of pottery. I could see within the bowl concentric circles that originated from the center and expanded outward in larger and larger rings. Inside of the red bowl was a forest green bowl just a tad smaller in diameter. Inside of the green bowl was a still smaller white bowl that seemed to glow in comparison to the other two. The white bowl then separated from the other two and seemed to be held up for my inspection.  Then I awoke because I recognized the green bowl should not be so dark in color.

Another vision I had was of pairs of numbers stacked one on top of the other. There was someone whispering the top number to me and I repeated it saying, “O – 9”. I recognized the “O” was in fact a “0” and this woke me up as I saw in my mind very vividly “09”. As I woke from this I remember thinking of the 9th chakra.

Along with the visuals I heard part of a song over and over in my mind – “I’m ready for this, there’s no denying. I’m ready for this, you stop me falling….” With the song I heard, “You will fall” in a masculine voice. It was a direct message and one I’ve heard before so it woke me instantly. I could not return to my reverie after that. The song is still prominent in mind.


I recognized after waking fully that the “elephant man” in my dream was not coincidental. I am familiar with the Gods of Hinduism and so knew there was a God who looked like an elephant man, though I was unsure of the name or what he ruled. So, of course, I Googled it first thing.

Ganesh or Ganesha is his name. According to this article, Ganesha is “considered in the Hindu religion to be remover of obstacles, patron of the arts and sciences, and the master of intellect and wisdom”.

“According to Kundalini yoga, Ganesha resides within the first (Root) chakra, and embodies the energy of transformation required to initiate change, transformation, and the overcoming of obstacles or pending issues. A great way to inspire yourself to push through a difficult flow or daily task, this root energy from the Muladhara (root chakra) helps us move through the remaining chakras with ease and easily access our intuition, making Ganesha a vital element in the path to self-discovery and enlightenment.”

I found many fascinating articles about Lord Ganesha and his symbolic meaning. I especially enjoyed reading his story and the symbolism of the elephant head:

Shiva restoring life to Ganesha, and replacing his head with an elephant’s, means that before we can leave the body, the Lord first replaces our small ego with a “big”, or universal ego. This doesn’t mean that we become more egoistic. On the contrary, we no longer identify with the limited individual self, but rather with the large universal Self. In this way, our life is renewed, becoming one that can truly benefit Creation. It is however only a functional ego, like the one Krishna and Buddha kept. It is like a thin string tying the liberated Consciousness to our world, solely for our benefit.

It always fascinates me how my Kundalini dreams and the messages contained within them relate directly to Hinduism and have from the beginning. One would think that I would become obsessed with learning all I can about the religion, but I’m not. I have very little interest in learning any more than what my dreams and experiences guide me to. I think this is because I don’t need to know all that information, I just need to know what relates to me and my experience as it gives me an idea of where I am on my journey.

As for the sensation of the orgasming heart and head, there are no words to accurately describe it nor would I say that it is something I am drawn to experience again. It was just a new experience and one I assume is part of my process. The colors, too, are very memorable, more even than the “orgasm” sensation and that says a lot.

Of course I had to look up the 9th chakra again and re-familiarize myself with it. This article is very informative as is this one. I did not recall the color of it but I was not surprised to discover that it is….yep…white.

Lunar chakra — (9th) — Located just above the (7th) sahasrara chakra or crown chakra. — Silver or white — The ninth chakra links you to the energies of the moon. It is the main hub for karmic understanding and channeling that governs intelligence, communication with spirit guides, and funnels information about incarnations.

Another sync with the dream is that the 9th chakra is associated with three blueprints of the human soul: Creator, Healer and Teacher. In this lifetime Teacher has been my main theme and in my dream I am also a Teacher, as is the strange and aloof man who creates the beautiful drawings.

The dark green of the heart chakra indicates some clearing is still needed, otherwise it would be a vivid green, or at least that is my interpretation of it.

The message, “You will fall” alarms me somewhat. If I recall correctly the last time I heard it there was a significant and painful lesson learned. I interpret it to mean “fall in love” but I could be wrong. When I heard it this morning I rejected the message and said, “No, I don’t want to. Not again.”

The Reason for my Silence

Finally, the reason I have been hesitant to share these kinds of Kundalini experiences are because they are so sexual in nature. They are more common, however, than the other kinds of Kundalini I experience. I probably have three times more sexual experiences – meaning my physical body orgasms – than spiritual Kundalini experiences. For example, the last time I blogged about the Kundalini I had three such incidents in a row prior to the one I wrote about and it is not uncommon for me to have multiple physical experiences in a night (or sometimes even the day, though rarer).

In the beginning these physical orgasms were similar to any other; however, in the past year or so they have morphed into something quite different altogether. I have never experienced an orgasm with a partner that even comes close which is probably a good thing. I’m not sure I could handle it. lol

My guess is that these very physical experiences are meant as lessons and are preparing me for something to come. When I woke from this experience my first thought was that I “should have known better than to focus on the sensation of orgasm”. I believe that my lesson is to become so use to it, so “bored” with it, that I am unaffected. There is an inner Knowing that if I can ignore it and be unaffected by the vast pleasure (which is SUPER difficult to do!!!) then something far greater awaits me on the other side.

The key, I have learned, is to be the observer, which means not having any attachment to or expectation of an outcome. My human conditioning has me expecting the sexual sensations of a physical orgasm because that is what I am most familiar with. It is also very hard to not attach to the feeling but I believe I am making progress there. At least now I am not “pining” for the experience, nor would I say I feel “addicted” to it anymore. This is a BIG step in and of itself.

There is also no physical counterpart associated with it, which helps immensely. When you get another individual mixed into the lot then it creates all kinds of conflict and only makes it harder to resist the lure of the Kundalini. I now understand why I was told by my guidance early on that I can only have physical Union with another once I have mastered it on my own (wholeness). From my experiences thus far I can at least now say that I am grateful for the way things have turned out thus far. To attempt physical Union would have been disastrous.


From Ecstasy to Tears

It seems the Kundalini is not letting up. I had another visit last night. She seems to be more intense with each visit and I ever more enchanted by her. I anticipated her this time, though.

I can’t recall the specifics of the dream I was having when she visited. There is a vague memory of circling a room and of circles in general. Even I seemed to be a circle with no beginning or end, just a continuous loop of energy.

My lucidity was peaked when my root chakra began to expand with a pleasurable energy. It moved upward and each of my other chakras expanded in a similar fashion. The energy would pulsate, rising and falling, each rise bringing more lucidity and more ecstasy. At the time I remember I had a male partner but only recall that he also was circular and seemed to curl around my own energy. My memory now only gives me a golden and white glow of our combined energies, a few flashes of his face and the sensation of kissing.

The energy rose to my heart chakra this time, waking me up prematurely. It has been so long since my heart has activated like this that it triggered too much lucidity. When I woke the Kundalini did not stop but continued her enchantment of me. I did not resist nor would I expect anyone in a similar situation would for the experience is beyond extraordinary. Whenever I feel it I think, “How can anyone survive this?” Yet every time I do survive.

I happened to check the clock – 1:30am. Over the next hour the Kundalini raged.  My lower chakras were all exploding with a pleasurable energy and my heart was super expanded, surging upward into my throat to the point of sending shooting pain into my left ear for a few seconds. No matter how I moved my body (yes I could move) she raged and did not stop even when I began to try to sleep.

Interestingly, there was communication during this time from my guide, Chris. It was more that I had sudden Knowing and he would confirm, though. I knew the warning I had not long ago about October – that I would “die” this month – was about the Kundalini. I had no doubt. The Kundalini feels so different, so much more comfortable now, that I can’t help but think something big is on the horizon. Even as I had these thoughts she raged and I, despite experiencing her amazing power, was able to think and communicate without being completely overcome. It’s like I’m getting use to her, something I didn’t think was possible.

Two songs came to my mind as well. The first was one that has already come about – “I know I can treat you better than he can”. However, there was another line from a song after – “By the time we are through the world will never ever be the same….”

Dreams and Tears

Somehow I was able to fall to sleep. I recall drifting in and out of sleep for a while because the Kundalini from my heart chakra would pull me out of sleep, burning pleasurably in my chest. There is nothing like the heart bliss. I love it so!

The first dream I had was located on a craft of some sort, either that or a train because I was inside a very narrow, white, metallic room with a bed. My “husband” was with me. We had just been married. He wanted me to do something with crystals and showed me a small, heart-shaped one, I believe it was amethyst. He wanted me to place it on my root chakra and do a ceremony with him.

I agreed and we went into a room where we sat down to do the ceremony. He positioned the crystal but I had no reaction to it. I told him it was likely I needed a different one and suggested Carnelian. Then others began to come into the space and sit in a circle with us. Someone brought in salt and poured it around the outer edge and then everyone began to chant a prayer and mudra in ancient Sanskrit. I was caught off guard, and sat there bewildered as more people, mostly women, joined and expanded the circle.

Then an older man who I knew was called Orin, came into the circle carrying a fish bowl with three goldfish (an important emotional matter) in it. I said to him that he was the only other Orin I had ever known besides my own son. He ignored me and asked me, “What do you think would happen to this fishe’s eyes if I squeezed them?” He did this as he asked. I watched as the fish exploded. The evil intent from him came at me like a forceful wind. My reaction was to take the bowl from him and leave the room. I said to him, “How can you be so cruel?” Then I burst into tears. The feeling I had was that the fish in the bowl represented my children and that this man intended them harm and would do so without a thought. To think he could do something like that was incomprehensible to me.

I woke up crying and the feeling in my chest remained. It was like my heart was being gouged out. The tears lasted for a while and the Kundalini energy was gone. It was 4:30am.

I returned to sleep and fell into another dream. I had just moved into an apartment (financial or emotional state) with my new husband. Unfortunately he changed his mind about being with me and at the last minute left me alone in a brand new apartment without a job or money or anything. I was beside myself with worry about how I would manage. A stranger then appeared at my doorstep with his young daughter and told me he was to be my roommate. I let him in and he took a bedroom. He was older than me, with dark hair and seemed to be of another ethnicity, perhaps Indian. He was very kind, though, and I felt reassured with him there.

I was completely alone and super depressed. The man was friendly and compassionate and I grew to trust him as a friend. I recall laying with my head on his shoulder in his bed and feeling comforted. I also remember becoming hopeful of my future despite being all alone.

I woke from this dream feeling confused. The night began with Kundalini ecstasy and then quickly turned into a night of tears. Was this the Kundalini doing it’s work, clearing away blockages? It appears my upsets are still clearing. I fear being abandoned and left all alone. I also have issue with how heartless mankind can be.