Stepping Up…for Real This Time

These requests come from within only every once in a while. I’ve felt them a few times but I can’t say I have answered the Call the way I should. I feel that I have fallen short each time, never quite fully devoted to what I signed up for.

My dreams are indicating it is time to shift from healing self to healing humanity; from individualized healing to universal/collective healing. Messages and syncs line up with this message as well. Time to grow. Time to expand.

Of course, healing self is healing humanity, but this is at the micro level really. We can only spend so much time on the self. Eventually we have to step beyond the ME to the US.

The messages come through in my dreams as me being encouraged to renovate another house, one that is not mine (as in my own self/path) but one that is shared – a communal  living situation (Earth/Humanity/the Collective). I am resistant, however, citing all sorts of reasons, primarily my children, for why I have been absent from the community for so long. It is my Home after all, but I stay away, clinging to my lingering attachments and responsibilities. The message that assisting the collective is also assisting my family seems to go completely over my head. I am hesitant and overly concerned about losing that which I have created in this lifetime.

But mostly there is a sense of the unknown and the typical fear that goes with it. The growth ahead is magnificent beyond compare. There is freedom written all over it. But do I really want that kind of freedom? At what cost?

The word “maturity” has been an almost constant for me as well. Anytime I seek to explain the transformation I recently went through – my own personal “event” –  the word “mature” comes to mind as a descriptor. My guidance doesn’t tell me this….I KNOW it. Yet what does it even mean? That I was a baby and now I’m “all grown up?”

The symbolism was present prior to the “event” – a bird being kicked out of the nest, forced to use it’s wings to fly; the butterfly emerging from the cocoon, wings still wet and unable yet to fly, patiently waiting for the right moment to take flight. These symbols stating unequivocally that at some point I would have to fly and no one was going to help me – no one could.  I have within me the means, the instinct (intuition) to fly, I just need to Remember it.

For days now I have awakened to a song. Only recently did I take the time to really inspect the lyrics to find out what it was telling me.

At first I thought the song was describing a relationship dilemma. Then, I thought perhaps it was about my Higher Self asking me to not ignore my relationship with mySelf. But now, I realize the message is much more than that. It goes beyond me, myself and I. It asks me to embrace the greater connection, the connection with ALL that IS; thus embracing my connection as being One with humanity, with the collective, with everyone and everything.

Only this morning did I contact the fear that is linked to my resistance. The fear is that I will be devoured by the connection to Source, to cease to exist as Me somehow. Ego is still there, clinging to the last remnants of what makes me, me. Separation, individuality, is familiar and comfortable. Safe.

There is also the fear of what it means to embrace the feeling. It is ginormous. It is compelling in its magnitude. To accept it means I no longer live in a bubble, inside my little me world, ignoring the We world.

My dreams also indicate that I am listening. The hesitation will not be long-lasting. I know what awaits me. I’ve been there. Jumped in head first. I only hesitate because I am aware of my very human tendencies that seek pleasure over pain. My fear stems from worry that I will fall prey to those tendencies again and be unable to control myself. My past experiences say, “Don’t go there. Remember what happened?”

My heart says this will be different. How? I’m unsure but I touched on the difference for only a moment this morning before my human alarms went off, pulling me out of the dreamstate in a panicked frenzy of, “Oh no you don’t!” lol The Kundalini stirring in ways unfamiliar yet familiar at the same time. But the peace, the utter bliss of connection very obvious. The message clear, “Trust. Love. Acceptance. Warmth” and most of all “Peace.”

How I can go from full acceptance to resistance almost over night is beyond me but I know it is purposeful. I need to observe this part of myself right now. I need to see the remaining resistance so that I can Love and accept it, pull it close and hug it away. But most of all, I need to accept that this Universal Love is real and goes beyond just one connection or two. It is ALL connection and we don’t just reserve it for a special few. Until I can embrace this reality, I cannot fulfill my mission. Humanity is shifting and I must shift with it. One day we will all feel connected to each other like I am now feeling connected to a mere few.

To give you an idea of what I mean, I will share a vision I received a couple of weeks ago. I was considering my past “addiction” to cigarettes and realized it was not the nicotine that kept me smoking but the consideration that in some messed up way smoking equated to feeling a connection to others; a belonging that I didn’t feel otherwise. Because when I smoked it was in social situations, when I felt accepted and part of a group even if only for a moment.

I was able to see also how all those who smoked with me felt like me. Separate. Alone. Seeking but unable to find. How similar we all are, I thought.

Then I was shown how this looked from a Higher perspective. I saw millions of pupa-looking cocoons each representing humans. Each pupa was surrounded in a shell separating them from the others. They were right next to each other but never could sense the other because their protective shells kept them apart.

Then a “wave” came over them and their shells burst open at the tops. Suddenly, everyone of them could sense the other. Their separation ended. Each could feel and sense the other as if they were them. They became as One but also separate. This, I was told, is what is happening to humanity. It is beyond telepathy. It is Oneness.

It’s the start of us, waking up, come on
Are you ready? I’ll be ready
I don’t want control, I want to let go
Are you ready? I’ll be ready
Cause now it’s time to let them know
We are ready

 

 

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Dreams and Cosmic Crossroad

I’ve not been documenting many dreams lately because: 1. I am not remembering them and 2. I’ve not felt the urge/need when I do remember them. Since last weekend, however, my dreams have revved up and are becoming somewhat insightful/prophetic, at least for me. Add the continued increase in synchronicity and there is no ignoring the messages.

Dream: I’m Going to Marry Him

I recall walking outside near a road near my childhood home. There was a whole section of dream about “special” individuals who had spiritual gifts. I was one of them and so was another woman. We were staying together to learn how to use our gifts.

The main part I remember is when I was outside and saw a man with a shovel (insight, understanding of new Self) digging up a section of the land. I was helping I think. We uncovered a wide, white sidewalk (steady progress/direction in life) that stretched the length of the property. I remember seeing the man and recognizing him. He looked like the Hindu man from an early Kundalini dream where we attended a Hindu engagement ceremony. When I saw the man I was not physically attracted to him at all. He was older with deeply etched wrinkles on his face. As I watched him and contemplated my feelings toward him I reminded myself that looks were unimportant and feeling is what mattered. I did have a connection to him, an attraction, and as I watched him I remember saying, “I’m going to marry him.”

The dream ended with me looking at the white sidewalk and noting how very long it was. I saw another sidewalk parallel to it on my left that was only halfway uncovered. There was information being passed on at this time but I don’t remember it now.

Dream: Avoiding a Procedure

In this dream I was heading to a place that felt “good” over all. I was walking along the road to it and encountered a stop or intersection. There was a couple (relationship) in a truck (work) with two large dogs (protection). The dogs were romping around and I happily interacted with them feeling carefree and happy.

There was an old man (masculine aspect) on the side of the road wearing a backpack (decisions/responsibilities). His hair was white with streaks of gray and he was probably in his 60’s. The couple and I spoke to him. He said he had come to visit and never left and that was back in 1967. He mentioned he was from Virginia. I said something like, “It’s cold there this time of year, so it’s good you’re here.”

The couple left the truck and I sat inside with their full grown mentally retarded son (aspect that is feeling left out) who was tracing letters on a paper with a round object. He was doing well and I complimented him on it. The son sometimes looked full grown and other times like a boy. I remember singing a song, I think it was, “He’s got the whole world in his hands.” The boy and I sang it for a while, laughing as we tried to remember the correct words.

Eventually, I was inside a “hospital” (healing) setting where others were also. Again, we were spiritually gifted and there to help better understand the process. It felt like we were “test subjects” and I remember it being an honor. There were beds and televisions arranged along the walls in a clinic-type setting. Everyone was nice and it was pleasant overall.

There was a dream within a dream type situation where I was in the hospital but there was a fence (barrier, feeling fenced in) along the side and beyond the fence was a dark (unknown) forest (subconscious). I peeked through and saw lights which illuminated a military (emotional repression) truck (work). In this part of the dream I was trying to escape (avoidance) for some reason. A man was with me helping me and asking me to pay attention to the lights (clarity, guidance, illumination). The lights would flash like fireworks and during this part of the dream I became very lucid, but it didn’t last.

Then I was coming back to the facility but when I got inside I found my family had all left me behind (feeling left out). In this case, family was my mom and sisters. I called my brother on the phone and asked him where they all were. He said they had all been released. I said, “Good, then I can come home. What happened?” He paused and told me, “I don’t know what I can tell you. I had to sign lots of confidentiality paperwork.” This concerned me. I kept saying, “I’m coming home.”

As I was leaving a nurse (need to take time to heal) stopped me and said, “You need to stop taking your vitamin A.” I said, “Sure. Okay. No problem. That’s easy.” Then she said, “The E, too.” She seemed really intense though and I felt more of a need to leave then ever.

When I got to the last door another nurse stopped me. She had in her hand what looked like a large turkey baster. She was putting on gloves and said, “One more thing before you go….” I took one look at her and knew where she intended to put the thing. I said, “I don’t think so” and began to try and find the fastest route out of there.

Two other nurses came and began to corner me. One was saying, “Don’t make this harder than it has to be.” Several times they had me and I got away, each time someone was saying something to me about how it was not that bad and I was making it out to be worse than it was. There were even “family members” telling me I had to do it and there was no avoiding it. All I could think of was how they wanted to stick that huge object where the sun don’t shine and that didn’t seem like fun to me. It seemed like they were going to give me an enima with it.

I managed to get out and sprinted past the truck from earlier in the dream and into a parking area where I saw a police car (seeking assistance). Thinking I could get help, I jumped inside the car. The police officer looked like a deer in headlights and didn’t move to help or anything. He shrunk up against the side of the car letting my pursuers get past him. I grabbed a tiny pistol (feeling defensive) the officer had in the car and aimed it at the nurses warning them I would shoot if I had to. At this point I was feeling that if they got me I was a goner. In my mind I was set against going with them at all costs but not sure why. It seemed like it was life or death for some reason.

I climbed out the other side of the car but the nurses had caught up to me, all of them dressed in their white lab coats which made them look sinister for some reason. I aimed the pistol and shot but all that came out was a tiny, “pffft” and a small cloud of smoke. The gun was worthless! My pursuers got hold of me, one on each arm and the other grabbed my legs.  They dragged me back to the facility. The dream ended there.

When I woke up I was startled and wondering why I was so resistant in the dream. It felt like an ET-type dream where I was going to get some adjustments done. Usually I am very friendly and amicable about such situations.

Not long after I woke, I remember hearing a conversation in the in-between but can’t recall it now except for me saying “Only four” as in a number of spots.

Kundalini

Though the above dreams may not seem like much they come after several Kundalini and Kundalini-related dreams that I have not documented in this blog. To summarize, the Kundalini has been showing up in my dreams in a very obvious way. The first time it was welcomed but in the others I purposefully avoided it even after some prodding by dream characters. I’m not sure why I am avoidant, either. I thought I got past that long ago? Perhaps I just don’t want to go down that road again? Likely as that does not appeal to me. If someone were to offer me the powerfully attractive, blissgasm of the Kundalini right now I would say, “Nah. I’m good.” LOL

The first dream above is reminiscent of dreams I had prior to some major Kundalini episodes back in 2015-2016. The man was the exact same man. Who he is, I have no clue. Maybe just a representation of my masculine Self. He is plain looking with dark hair and medium skin tone and has a very Indian look about him. I suspect his reappearance has to do with yet another “clearing” by my friend the Kundalini.

My guess on the second dream is that I am witnessing the last remnants of my Ego trying desperately to hold onto what she can but not putting up much of a fight (thus the tiny, impotent pistol).

Crossroads

One more thing I meant to mention. Last Friday/Saturday we came to a “cosmic crossroads” so to speak – well some of us did, anyway. I received a heads up prior to Friday in a dream and later was shown a wall sliding across my line of sight,  representing an impenetrable wall sealing the path behind me. I was told, “When one door closes, another opens.” That same day I ran into a blog post mentioning the 21st as a “point of no return” and then the next day another post citing the astrological significance of last weekend leading to us recognizing  life’s “dead ends” and taking a new path forward.

 

 

Kundalini Dream – On to the Fourth Clearing

Had trouble falling asleep last night. I was wide awake and had activity in my heart and crown chakras. I opted to meditate as a solution but it didn’t help. Instead I got more intense energy swirling and my mind was really active.

My guidance came through at one point and informed me that I had a surprise coming soon. I replied, “Okay. I would love to meet God in an OBE….or have another blissgasm.” I heard in response, “Soon.” I thought back to them, “Soon? Your soon? That could be a year or more from now.” They replied, “No, yours.” I thought, “If it’s my soon then it would be tonight.” I felt a time period of three days from that point and accepted it.

Soon after I drifted off to sleep.

Kundalini Dream: History Class

The dream began inside a typical high school or college classroom environment. The color of everything had a golden hue to it. I was sitting in a desk in the first row probably three or four seats from the front. A male teacher with brown hair was up in front of the class. He looked to be in his mid-twenties to early thirties and was quite “normal” in appearance. My dream memory of him reminds me of a Ken doll – very clean cut and nicely dressed.

The teacher instructed the class to get out our textbooks and go to page 240. A female student sitting to my right looked over at me and gave me a look that said, “What are you doing? Do what the teacher says.” I ignored her and made no move to get my textbook which was sitting on the left side of my deck. It seemed like I was the “bad” student, which is the opposite of how I was in school growing up.

When he noticed I was not following instructions he called me out, asking me if I understood his instructions. I said, “Yes, I did.” He said, “If you don’t complete the assignment you will receive a zero.” I said, “I don’t care. I’ve already taken this class.”

There was again a look from the student to my right. She had dark hair and mocha colored skin and seemed very concerned for me. Something about her changed my mind and I exhaled as if saying, “Oh alright. Fine. I’ll comply just for my own amusement.”

The teacher began to talk about the chapter we were in. It felt like the first chapter of the textbook despite being on page 240. I don’t remember looking at the textbook but listening to the teacher. His words slowly shifted into visuals in my mind as he spoke. His questions to me eventually morphing into my own voice as if I was talking to myself.

I could see a giant landmass and was asked to identify it. I responded, “Pangaea.” We discussed the biological organisms that occupied Pangaea. He asked me, “What did they consume?” I gave him the name of some algae but I don’t recall it now. I only remember seeing them as if under a microscope.

There is just memory of being fascinated with the subject, the ecosystem and organisms. It seemed like I was learning a history unknown to man and so my full attention was on every detail. Sadly, my memory of these details is gone now.

Then I was talking to the girl next to me about lunch. I asked her what the lunch was like. Did they have enough food or would I be hungry when lunch was over? I specifically asked if the cafeteria served food on trays or if we could go from station to station and fill up our trays as many times as we liked. She confirmed that it was the latter and this satisfied me. I felt like the school wasn’t so bad.

We must have been released for lunch because I was in the cafeteria walking alongside the girl student. I don’t remember eating, though. Instead I ran into a guy I knew and followed him to a find a private place to talk. He and I were long-time friends and lovers and our intention was to sneak off someplace and fool around. lol

I can’t recall what he looked like now but I remember that when we met up we immediately embraced and kissed. The weird thing is that when we kissed he seemed to put his finger in my anus. lol When he did this the energy in my root chakra began to build up and my throat chakra lit up as well.

Surprised I pulled back and asked him, “Why did you do that?” He said, “I like it.” It felt like he wanted my permission to continue to do it. I said, “Oh okay. If you want.” lol

Then we were in my house (my Soul/Self) and I was undressing in the bathroom (purification and self-renewal). The door was open and I could see into the bedroom (intimate part of Self). The house felt to be mine specifically, not my parent’s like one would assume considering I was just in a school environment. Again everything had a golden hue to it.

As I stripped off my clothing I remember my friend calling out to me from the bedroom. I yelled back that I needed to pee. I used the toilet quickly and looked down at my feet preparing to take off my socks (warmth and comfort). My socks went all the way up to my knees and were a mottled brown and made of a thick material, like wool, so very warm. I decided to keep my socks on and knew my friend would do the same. In fact, I had a “memory” of us together both wearing socks and nothing else. lol

When I went into the bedroom my memory of the dream goes dark. All I recall is the effects of our lovemaking – energy swirling and intensifying in different areas of my body. I felt something inserted where my anus would be on my physical body. At the same time it felt like something was inserted from the opposite side but not in the vagina as one would assume, but higher up where my pubic bone is. When the two met a very pleasant energy resulted and felt to roll and rumble in a big, swirling spherical mass of energy.

At the exact same moment something felt to be inserted in my throat region only it was not down through my mouth as it was the last time I had this kind of “work” done. The trigger seemed to come from within. If I had to say where it originated from I would say my spine, up near where my neck meets my head.

These two areas swirled so intensely that it began to wake me up but not before I noticed other chakras activating, specifically the heart, crown and solar plexus.

I shifted in and out of the in-between, the energy continuing to swirl and expand. I was too aware, however, and ultimately had to shift position. Usually shifting position stops the energy, but this time it continued on for a bit after.

kundalini (2)

Music Message 

My “friend” from the dream was with me when I awoke meaning this particular guide was also my dream “lover”. I connected the message prior to sleep to the activity of the Kundalini and thought, “This must be my surprise.” I suspect that the “three days” is also relevant but may only be related to the full moon and eclipse on the 31st.

It was 5am and I was still tired and so rolled over to attempt sleep. But my mind was on the dream and on something I had considered last night. I’ve been waking early quite a bit, usually between 4:30-5:30am. Afterward I cannot return to sleep but linger in the in-between until I finally wake. I thought it may be a good idea to take advantage of that time by inserting a spiritual practice of some sort like meditation. So, that is what I did only my left nostril was completely clogged and really irritating me. Have you ever tried to meditate with some physical ailment like half your nose clogged? Nearly impossible!

So the meditation part went out the window. My left nostril has been clogged from the beginning of this cold but lately it is only when I am laying down. So irritating!!!

I lingered in bed and somehow drifted into the in-between long enough to recall a conversation.

My guide and I were discussing the Kundalini process, specifically the clearing of the heart chakra. I was told the 4th clearing was on its way. There are 5 total I think, so this is good news (I hope). The history of this clearing was also discussed. I remember saying to my guide, “2013-2015” and knowing it was a preparation period leading up to the first heart opening. I don’t recall specifically when my heart first “opened” but I recall that after the birth of my youngest in 2014 that the Kundalini began to rev up. It seems the trigger for my heart opening was getting pregnant in 2013. Prior to that I had a trigger in 2002-2003 – divorce. Then the heart connection was the trigger at the end of 2015. So that’s three “triggers” and three heart openings. I wonder if I will need a trigger for this one?

In recognizing just how very long the Kundalini process had been going on, I became a bit discouraged. I said, “It’s taking forever.” My guidance replied, “You will complete in this lifetime.” My response to this was, “Then I will die, right?” lol I saw myself as being a very old woman so death would be the logical next step. My guidance remained silent. So I said, “What is the point then?” – meaning why do all this work and then just die when it concludes?!

It seemed like things could move faster, in fact I knew they could. All I needed was a catalyst. I wondered about it, then. Previously I was told two are better than one, meaning that two working together toward similar goals allow for acceleration of the process. Working as a team the two propel one another forward. Working alone takes longer.

Not longer after these thoughts a song came to mind – “I walk alone…..”:

So guessing that I am out of luck. No physical connection with another human walking a similar path is coming along to propel me forward this time. Sigh. That trigger was so much more fun/interesting/exciting than divorce or pregnancy.

Divine Experience & Dream: Prescription

I had an interesting experience last night prior to sleep. As I settled down to sleep, rolling over onto my side, I briefly checked in with my guidance because the day had been a stressful one. Not only had I awakened with a dream suggesting I might have a TIA (stroke/blot clot) this year but everyone in my house was on edge all evening. My daughter was all over the place emotionally, my youngest was crying and whining and my husband was overly critical and negative. At one point I had to separate everyone, even the dog, just to get some peace for a few minutes. There was definitely some kind of energy disruption on-going! I, personally, was not my best because I had not eaten enough and anytime I do that I am super cranky.

I didn’t check-in with my guidance for any other purpose than to see if there was anything they wanted to pass onto me before bed. When I “check-in” I literally just send my attention out to my guidance, like feelers. There are no words, just attention or maybe “receptivity” is a better word. It’s like me saying, “Ready to receive”.

There was an immediate response but it was not an expected one. Because the response was without words it is hard to convey in words, but I will try. It seemed like I was instructed to do something because I felt myself comply to a request. The best I can do is to say that I was asked to, “Look” or put my attention somewhere, but that somewhere was not a destination or location. What I remember most is the sense of Knowing that I should “breathe in” and when I did I swear something came into me, like a whoosh….flood….inflow. I was filled with the most beautiful feeling. It was like my entire Being was FULL, complete…..Whole.

I kept breathing this Beingness into me and with every breath I felt more complete, more full of….Love? Divinity? Serenity? I don’t know what to call it but it was blessed, amazing, pure wonder and awe at Creation.

It was as if I could feel every molecule in the air, every living, breathing part of the air. And it wasn’t just the air that I could taste/sense/feel! I could feel everything in the room – the furniture, the house, the bed…all the contents of the space I was in. It was all a part of me and with every breath in I felt more alive because of it.

You can imagine my smile. I think I took bigger breaths than I have ever taken.

If I had to give what I was breathing in a name I would say it was prana. That was what came to mind then anyway and it still feels to be the most accurate description of the experience.

The trippy part of it all is that I was not in the in-between, not asleep. I was fully conscious and in this human body!

I could sense my guide all around me. It was like I was breathing him in, too. The message from him was that he was part of me. We are one and the same. I have heard that a million times before it seems but never, ever have I actually felt it, understood it like I did in that moment.

Sadly, it didn’t last and eventually I returned to feeling “normal”.

In my attempt to understand what had just happened I was flooded with memory. Memory of all the times in dreams and OBEs when I felt the Divine love and friendship feeling wash over me. It occurred to me that I had just experienced a version of that same feeling, the physical…..human version. And that it would not be the last time I would feel it. I Knew this was just the beginning.

It IS possible to feel the Divine – the Oneness of all Creation – from within this human vessel, conscious and aware of this physical body/reality. It is like two worlds merged within me. OMG it was/is so beautiful.

The cool thing is that I can exist all the time with that feeling, that Knowing, without any issue. I know I can. Previous to this experience I thought it impossible. Ha! So not true!

When I asked why the experience ended I was reminded that belief was the answer. Belief in that if I believed it was possible, then it would be. If I believed it was not possible, or if I doubted my experience in any way, then it the results would be altered to that belief. Interesting!

Dream: Prescription

I slept deeply and with very little memory of my dreams and astral travels. The main dream I recall took place in a doctor’s office. I remember sitting in the waiting room thinking, “I am just 41. I’m too young for this!” “This” was in reference to a pill (looking for answers) that was being created just for me. It was designed to treat my ailment, which was never revealed in the dream. I remember sitting with a woman who was creating a special formula for me. I saw percentages written on paper alongside the specific issues to be treated. This percentage for this issue and this percentage for another and so on and so forth. Unfortunately, I cannot recall the issues. When complete, the woman turned in the formula and out popped a red pill. One pill to treat all that ailed me.

As the pill was being dispensed a pharmacist or doctor interrupted and suggested that one part be removed. The part of the pill that was to treat indigestion (bothersome problem). He said I didn’t need any and he adjusted the percentage of the indigestion medicine to very low – like 1%. Then he removed it completely.

fish-in-aquarium-with-rocks

Dream: October 31

This dream was early this morning. I was in my bedroom preparing for the day. It was very early and my son’s birthday (which today is his birthday but symbolically it means self-acceptance). I remember being sluggish and lingering in bed because I didn’t want to wake up yet.

Eventually I got up and began to select the clothes (one’s persona) I would wear. I remember picking out some blue jeans (more relax position), jeans I once owned a long time ago. When I put them on I noticed I had on large, Duck Boots (one’s power in position and movement). I had to take them off and found another pair of boots underneath. When I removed that pair of boots there was yet another pair. I kept the final pair on. They made me at least 2 inches taller.

My mom was with me and she mentioned I also had on two shirts. I kept both on because it was cold outside. I knew the date was October 31st (Halloween symbolizes the temporary adoption of a new persona where one feels less inhibited and more comfortable to express themselves).

Then I remember being on the floor looking at a fish aquarium (acknowledged but unconfronted emotions) and noticing that I had an extra plant that would not fit. My BIL was with me and I told him I planned to get out our 20 gallon aquarium and move half the fish into it and the plant as well. I explained that our main aquarium was overcrowded and I pointed out the tiny fish inside.

There was discussion about the birthday party after that but it is hazy now. I remember knowing my son and daughter had missed the bus. My husband would have to take them into school but that was okay. In the meanwhile they were outside riding in the neighbor’s go Kart (there’s the go Kart again!). I looked out the window and smiled as I saw them driving it around. Usually I would be upset at my husband for making them late for school, but I didn’t care.

I was awakened by my son. I noticed the time – 6:47am. The bus comes at 6:55ish. I thought, “He going to be late.” Eventually I just got up and just in time, too. He almost did miss the bus! lol

 

 

Remember Me

 

Again I had another post partially written – twice – and it never felt right to post. It felt empty, pointless, directionless….just like me right now.

This morning I had several lucid dreams and attempted to shift OOB with no success. I suspect I was already OOB which is why the exits were unsuccessful.

Prior to this, I had awakened at around 7am and heard someone say to me, “You know you’ve been OOB?” I dismissed it as a dream conversation fragment, got up, took my wonderful antibiotic (have to take on empty stomach 30 minutes before a meal) and went back to sleep even though I had just intended to meditate.

Image result for image of citrine in shape of arrow head

OBEs/Lucid Travels

My travels took me to several places. The first was my grandparent’s living room where I was with my sister and BIL. I can’t recall why I was there but we were talking about building a chicken (cowardliness) coop that would be shared by us and the neighbors. I had memories that were not associated with this lifetime but with some other life or place. For example, my grandparent’s house was not located where it is in this life, but was in a subdivision. I believe what I was remembering were my astral memories, but I can’t be sure.

Then I shifted into a crystal shop. I was standing in front of a dark haired woman who I recalled was a friend. In fact, I again had memories not at all related to this lifetime. In front of me were laid out many various crystal fragments. I knew I was selecting one for a friend and picked up a large, arrowhead shaped piece of Citrine. The woman told me it was a good one and I kept it, intending to make a necklace with it. She asked me for advice. “Where should I move to?” I told her, “I think Montana.” She said, “Ah yes, I have been there. It is beautiful!” I said, “Yes, I use to live there, but…..I think it would not be ideal for your business. Perhaps Seattle would be better?” I then wandered over to a window and selected a black cord for the necklace I was making for my friend. I put the Citrine on it as I began to mull over memories of my friend.

My physical self heard sounds coming from my bedroom at this time. I knew they were sounds off and so ignored them but it brought me back to my sleeping body temporarily. I could feel my energy shift. It is like I settled down into my body but the two energies never completely merged. It was jumpy and sporadic but enough for me to register that I could go OOB. When I tried, though, the energy would not allow it and I must have drifted off again.

I soon found myself in my grandparent’s house again, this time in the kitchen. Standing in front of me was my friend. I could see him clear as day. He was telling me something rather random and smiling, very at ease. I stared at him for a bit, shocked that he was standing there right in front of me. I had in my hand the Citrine necklace I made for him. I handed it to him, telling him, “I made this for you. I remembered how much you liked it (Citrine).” I remember thinking that Citrine brought abundance and I wanted that for him. He was pleased and smiled as he took it from me.

I asked him some questions about his life – Was he still living where he was before? Was he happy? Was he still doing what he was when we last spoke? He answered, confirming most of what I already knew.

The more we talked the more lucid I became. My physical/human consciousness was questioning the reality. Why are we in my grandparent’s kitchen? Is this really my friend? No way, why would he be in my grandparent’s kitchen? This has to be a dream!

The last thing I remember was telling my friend, “I miss you.” I felt very down when I said it. I don’t remember his response now but he was understanding, happy-go-lucky, and reassuring.

Eventually my questions pulled me out of the scene and again I felt my physical body and my physical senses began to take over. It was odd but something I have experienced before. My senses shift from astral to physical but not all at once. For example, my hearing will be like someone turns on the volume and then it turns it down again suddenly and repetitively. The same thing goes for my vision – astral to physical (which is dark). The vibrations are the same, on again, off again. So odd!

I shifted yet again and found myself outside my mom’s house this time. I think I may have been a little kid because my vision was at a lower height than is my norm. I was talking to someone about a special school that only Kindergarten aged kids could go to. My middle son was mentioned and I remember hearing he couldn’t go but my youngest could. My vision was very clear at this time and my physical self recognized I was OOB. We were walking through thick, brown leaves. There were so many that as I walked they came to my knees (remember that I am child-sized though) and I could hear them crunching under foot. I saw ahead of me my mom’s yard and my vision stabilized. The blue sky seemed to be huge in comparison to myself. Recognizing my chance, I attempted to jump into the air and take flight. I did this just as a child said to me, “Come on!” As I lifted up it felt like an energy pulled me down and the message was, “No.”

I returned to my sleeping body and my senses adjusted as did my energy. It was quick this time and I opened my eyes.

As I laid there my first memory was of meeting my friend. It was so real and I wondered if he was just a dream construct or if he had actually been there. As if in answer, the lyrics of a song popped into my head – I will be with you again….I will be with you again.

I heard the above a couple of days ago while driving. I had been in a strange mood, zoned out and feeling odd. This has been normal for me lately, especially when I drive. I had changed the radio station and caught the end of the song. The music lulled me almost into a trance and I remember smiling and enjoying it. It felt like someone was giving me a hug and I got a bit Homesick as I recalled certain memories. That is when I heard, “I will be with you again.” It seemed like a message then, too.

For some reason when I heard the song this morning I thought it was from The Cure. Ha! Not sure why I thought that but it could be a message, too. Who knows. It also felt like not only was I being told, “I will be with you again” but that I was also saying this to someone. Like a simultaneous message exchange. I do believe there was an astral meeting and that my other Self has a full set of memories entirely separate from my physical life memories.

Other Dreams

I’ve had lots of dreams these last few days, and Kundalini, too.

In one dream I was heading home and had to make a sharp turn that immediately went uphill. It was my exit and came much quicker than I anticipated. When I took the turn I had to stop suddenly because there were three cars in a row that had run head-on into the curve. They were so mangled that all I could see were the taillights and bumpers. Their anxious drivers stood with a police officer (assistance) and I was told I could not pass. So I shifted the other direction but it was also barred, this time by water (emotion). I ended up taking the long way around to get to my destination.

The dream continued to my destination which was a “camp” (need to belong but independent also) of sorts for teachers. The camp looked like suburbia and when I checked-in I was told join the rest of the group. I was given a uniform and told that we would all eventually start to smell badly over time (issue needs to be addressed) because we were not allowed to bathe. Every day we would have P.T. and I recall being told where the nearby hospital (healing) was located in case we needed assistance in the evening when the camp was closed. Thing was, the hospital was also a camp and run by the very same people. I remember realizing the teachers were also doctors/nurses as was I.

Kundalini

Yesterday morning I had a nice Kundalini dream in which I was in a van with my husband. We were in the back and the van was driving itself. We were on the highway and, knowing we would be occupied for a while, I worried we would end up driving too far. I suggested we take the van to the lake and park but before I could go up front to take over driving the Kundalini raged and woke me up. I lingered in the bliss for some time after waking. It seems that now whenever my root activates all my upper chakras “sing” in the most wonderfully pleasant way. It is spectacular and I really, really hate that it always wakes me up! Grrrr!

I had actually asked for some kind of Kundalini experience that night before bed. There are two distinct types I experience now – the very sexual/bliss kind and the bliss/friendship/love/safety/Oneness kind. Both are wonderful in their own way and both teach me a great deal about myself and the world/this experience. “Bliss” is a part of both but there seems to be different types of bliss as well as various “new” feelings associated with the Kundalini. Since the human experience does not have words for these feelings I am always at a loss as to how to describe them.

Another Music Message

Yesterday morning, as I slowly woke from my dreams, a message came through very quietly. It repeated and grew louder and louder, eventually bringing forth a song as if to make sure I paid attention. The song was this one:

The part of the song that was repeating was, “Don’t you, forget about me.” The message that had been repeating and growing louder became obvious when the song was acknowledged. It was: Remember me.

A bit shocked and curious, I focused on the source of the message and felt a familiar energy, one I had not felt in a while. The more I focused the clearer the energy became and a visual formed in my mind.

My response was to enter into a conversation with this individual because I understood all at once the message and was tired of resisting.

It was a check-in. I knew the message “Remember me” was both a message to remember mySelf as well as a message to remember what had brought me to where I am now. To push away, ignore or deny all that made me who I am today was not helping me. I needed to remember it. All of it.

Of course I had to justify my reasons. It is painful, it makes living here on this planet that much more difficult, it triggers all kinds of beliefs/expectations/desires that I do not wish to reconcile for the enormity of their impact on me as a Human Being. It is easier to deny in myself all that relates to connection. To deny myself the positives in order to avoid the negatives makes complete sense.

But it was clear from my dream and all the dreams preceding it that the path of avoidance will get me nowhere. The path will be blocked and so will all of the others until I take the correct path.

The message was, “Remember it is my path, too. You cannot force from yourself that which is part of you. I will always be there. In your heart. In your mind. I am part of you as you are part of me.” I softened a great deal when I heard this. It was like all my walls came down all at once.

Still Recovering

Similarly, last night prior to bed I was asking all sorts of questions – “Why” this and “Why” that. My main thoughts centered on the experiences I’ve had – the Kundalini being number 1. Why did I make it so that I Remembered so much in this lifetime? What is the point of Remembering if I can’t do anything with it! How am I going to continue in this life now? With every single Kundalini experience I glimpse more of that which I Forgot. And with every regained memory of Self this human experience feels more and more alien to me.

Throughout I was receiving reminders of what I already Knew, things I Remembered on the path to where I am now. Things I have written in this blog…..like my Starseed origins, my connection to what appear to be E.T.’s, my memories of my purpose here, past life memories, heart connections/soul family, and the glimpses into my own and Earth’s future. I pushed all of it out of my mind, though, because it does me no good to believe such things. It only serves to make me feel that much more alone, that much more separate from everyone else.

It felt like I would be in this in-between/void forever when I “looked” into my own future. Time stretched out forever in front of me like a road never-ending. I saw my children mostly grown up. I saw myself old and gray. I couldn’t/can’t help but be impatient. I want to get to “the end” already. But mostly I just want something to look forward to. After experiencing what I have thus far to think of the rest of my life being like it was before – it’s unbearable. I have no way of consolidating the before and the after and that’s what I need to do or else risk major repercussions (mental break being one).

I was told, “Give yourself a chance to recover.” With that I was reminded of the end of 2016 and the intensity of the pain/hurt/despair among other things. Healing cannot be rushed. Considering how long I have already been recovering I asked in frustration, “How long is it going to take?” The answer I received was, “As long as it takes.” UGH!

Sync

As if to remind me that my path here is to serve others, specifically my children, I was drawn to my youngest son’s eyes. In the sunlight I noticed things I hadn’t noticed before. So I took some photos. Aren’t his eyes just gorgeous?

 

 

I also noticed he has inherited his father’s heterochromia. If you look at the first photo you can see that the color amber/brown surrounds the pupil but the rest of the eye is blue. This is true of central heterochromia – two different shades of color. His dad has partial heterochromia – one of his blue eyes has a big, brown spot that takes up about 1/4 of the iris color.

Interestingly, the same day I was fascinated with my son’s heterochromia, I was watching the show Limitless and there was mention of heterochromia! HA! Chance? I think not.

After my amazement wore off over the sync I just experienced, I realized again what I had recently been reminded of. There is purpose to my being here beyond what I am able to/allowed to see. Much of that purpose is related to the new generations. I have three very special children who will need my Knowing, my Remembering, to help them in life. It may not be apparent to me now but it will be, eventually. Even in writing this I am reminded of the Delores Cannon books.

Projection Repulsion

Note: This post starts out a bit on the negative side but I promise it gets lighter in the end.

It’s been an interesting last few days. I do not believe any of it is due to “cosmic forces”, “12-12 gateways”, astrological events or the such. Yet that is what I keep seeing on my FB, which btw I have been avoiding more and more for the lack of anything of substance. Fake news, conspiracy theories (to the extreme), and personal attacks/agendas on this topic/agency or that  (politics, net neutrality and anti-vaccination are big ones lately) – all of it gives me a sour taste in my mouth.

It seems like all people want to do is have an effect in any way they can. Humans are desperate and it is apparent all over the net. Every post screams, “Look at me! Look at me!”

In stark contrast here I am hiding and wanting the opposite. Don’t look at me. I’m ugly and feel uglier inside. I don’t want to hear what you have to say and I really don’t have anything to say to you.

That’s how I feel this morning anyway. Listening to people hurts right now. Please don’t whine to me about your problems, your upsets about the world, your sad family problems, your hurt, pain or whatever. Oh and I don’t care if you turn your back on me because I feel this way. I don’t need you or your sympathy, pity, or whatever anyway. Attached to it is this or that expectation and I prefer to have none of that. I scratch your back you scratch mine, right? I’ll scratch my own back, thank you.

Perhaps it is the holiday season but right now the projections coming from people are in stark contrast to the real person underneath, probably more now than ever. I can’t bear to hear the pleasantries, get another half-assed, pretend hug, or witness anymore pretense. I will literally throw up on the next person who tries to fake me out. And every adult does it….unless they are old/senile or considered mentally ill. Family isn’t so bad, thankfully. And children, they are golden. Thank God for my babies is all I can say right now.

I also woke up feeling absolutely and utterly alone. Again. The empty feeling was ten times as strong as it normally is. The people in my dreams all wanted something from me. There was no giving of love without expectation. They assumed so much automatically and it felt like a huge, invisible wall was between myself and everyone I met.

When I woke I was in grief and missing the feeling/experience/ISness of my true Divine nature – that feeling of love/friendship, of complete connection. Oh I never have the right words to describe it but there are those reading this who know what I am talking about. The total LACK of it in this world hit me like a ton of bricks and I could not bear to exist in this void any longer. It was completely clear to me why I feel so alone, so disconnected, so empty in  this life. It’s because I AM disconnected here.

I was/am at a loss and it doesn’t help that I am acutely aware of what I mentioned earlier in this post. Right now most everyone and everything reminds me of what I am NOT.

Similarly, my physical issues continue to plague. My body is on strike I think. The antibiotics I’ve been on stopped working or something and now I am on a different regimen because my skin is not healing as it should. Everything starts to seem to improve only to regress back to no progress. I’ve had scabs in some places for over three weeks! WTF!?

The BC seems to be backfiring, too. I am hungry all.the.time, have gained weight and have painful breasts. I am tired, too, tired like I was when I was pregnant. I get so hungry sometimes that I feel sick to my stomach and certain foods do not agree with me. For example, carbonated anything will make me get icky stomach and I suddenly cannot stomach whey protein which I have been taking for years now without issue! So far the BC does not seem to have any affect on my skin which is the whole point of taking it.

It’s not worth it. All of this mess so that my face is clear and then no one really “sees” me anyway! How lame. Looks like my own projections are biting me in the ass right now. Ha! Yeah the jokes on me as usual.

Dreams and Kundalini

Oh and then there are the dreams…..geez where do I start? The most memorable was a Kundalini dream a few days ago. Wow, it was a doozy. Not that the Kundalini was raging like it has. No, it was very subtle compared to other K-risings I’ve had. However, this one made a very obvious point I could not ignore. In the dream I was in a classroom and my teacher/lover/friend was with me. The whole dream consisted of my “other half” trying to persuade me to be with him and me being wholly and completely repulsed by him. I was adamantly against him to the point of nastiness. However, at the exact same time I was extremely attracted to him in a very powerful way and I acknowledged it. The main feeling throughout the dream and upon waking was the simultaneous powerful attraction and repulsion. It was fascinating to me that I could feel both things at the same time! The message I brought back with me was that I had grown so use to rejecting life that I had gotten to the point of rejecting everything and everyone which in turn left me with little to no enjoyment/happiness. It was quite an eye-opener.

Then there was the dream of sweeping a floor covered in cockroach (undesired aspects of Self/life) body pieces. Ick! Afterward I scrubbed the floor with a white cleanser that left a residue that repelled cockroaches. Weird.

And this morning in a dream I visited my partner’s apartment (emotional state) only to find that he was gone and likely not coming back anytime soon (abandoning emotion). The fridge (emotionally cold) had been left open and unplugged and there were other clues that he had gone away for a long while. Thing is, he left his cat (sexuality, femininity) with no one to look after it and it was emaciated and near death. I remember saying he likely went to South America (trying to conquer life’s obstacles) and fully intended to wait for him to return. While I waited the entire apartment complex came to keep me company and I was surrounded by strangers the rest of the dream, all of them working to help me settling in and become a part of their little community. I remember seeing faces that reminded me of the cast of “Friends”.

Conclusion

I’m sorry if the first half of this post rubbed you the wrong way. If you got this far, kudos to you. It is obvious to me now that I have made it this far in this post that I am doing some major inner work which is manifesting in both physical and emotional ways. If you were to be physically present with me you would find my Sagittarius bluntness rampant and maybe a bit refreshing. Or you may want to run the other way. In all honesty I would think you a coward if you ran away but would not hold it against you. If you fought back, though, and gave me a piece of your mind, I would totally respect you and we would likely end up laughing over egg nog spiked with rum. 😉

Sometimes a good fight is all a person needs. lol I need some boxing gloves right now I think.

I feel ten times lighter, though, and my thoughts are tending toward the silly at the moment. For example (for a laugh), the new antibiotics I am on – ampicillin – have a very odd possible side-effect I want to share. Apparently you should call your doctor if you get a “black, hairy tongue.” LOL OMG it still makes me laugh and I thought it so funny when I initially read it that I called my husband and interrupted him at work just to tell him. HA! So far, no hair on my tongue but I will keep you posted.

Finally, through all the up’s and down’s of the last five days or so, I have taken time to appreciate the finer things in life (like funny side-effects). Here is a picture of the sunrise the other morning. May it bring you joy like it did me.

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Revelations and Updates

Some messages I have received recently:

From Call the Midwife season 5 episode 7:

Prayers aren’t always answered the way one would hope but they are generally answered. And the answer He gave me was this: When things change we have to find a different way. Now whenever I do up a button or a shoelace I’m reminded of the need to keep learning.

A reminder we all need from time to time.

Nothing stays the same. We don’t stay the same ourselves. And all the time the world keeps spinning faster.

Another quote that caught my attention:

But my first child and my second child both died. One in my belly and one in my arms.

I’m sorry.

Why are you sorry?

It’s just something we say in England, when someone says something bad happened.

It is in the past now. This baby’s in the future, which is why you should never be sorry, just be glad.

And still another:

Sometimes there is no map for the road we find ourselves upon. It lies ahead, uncharted, unfurling into the mist. We are all travelling through one another’s countries. But it is no matter if we meet as strangers, for we can join forces and learn to love. And where there is friendship and affection there is the place we can all call home.

These quotes/scenes and more have been inciting tears. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders; like torrents of flood waters pouring through my very Being and I can’t breathe for the ceaselessness of them. Last night I was overcome by the emotion yet again and rather than question it or judge myself for the feelings I was feeling, I just allowed them to flow because I knew it would not last long. A silent and reassuring voice from within said, “It will pass.” It always does and part of me saw the emotion and the experience of the moment as a Divine blessing. I understood that my human body and mind is not capable of holding onto it all. So, I need to give it up, to give it back to where it came from…..wherever that might be. In giving it up I am cleansed and one step closer to fully embracing the sanctity of this existence.

Amidst the emotional purging there has been clarity on so many things. Lessons are becoming obvious, gifts received finally opened. The exhaustion and apathy I’ve been feeling transforming into surrender, slowly but surely.

After several days of reflection, a thought continues to resurface: “If I had to do it over again, I would not do it again.” When asked why I would not do it again, I replied, “It destroyed me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel empty.” I heard in reply, “Now you can be filled.”

“It” here refers to what occurred in December, 2015, almost two years ago now. Basically, if I could turn back time I would turn the other way, listening to my inner silence rather than giving in to my human urgency to be loved. The connection that I felt was misunderstood and blown way out of proportion by my human self. I have concluded now that the “connection” was merely the result of a newly opened heart which revealed to me a glimpse of my True self. My human side attributed the very “new” feelings to all the wrong things and had not the experience nor knowledge with which to cope appropriately. I continue to feel ill prepared but recognize that my body/mind/spirit has to be re-taught how to handle that which is my natural state. It is very obvious that my natural state is beyond beautiful, beyond powerful, so much so that my human self struggles immensely because she is buried under layers of illusion and belief.

Another revelation….. I saw myself as the character I play in this life. She seems so boring, so nondescript, so lonely and forlorn. It occurred to me that I should step out of that Beingness and look at myself from outside myself, like I am watching a television show of my life. When I did there was just love for the experience and recognition that I chose it because I saw it as beautiful. Every “bad” feeling, low mood, negative reaction just as wonderful as every moment of laughter, excitement, love, and friendship. All moments “will pass”, it is only the clinging to one over the other that makes once experience seem fleeting while another seems to last forever.

Somehow I have to learn to reject nothing and embrace all and do so without judgment.

Spiritual Considerations

I continue to feel repelled by the online spiritual community, channeled messages and energy forecasts I use to follow prior to July this year. The repetitiveness of the messages is really bothering me. It occurred to me that nothing in the messages has really changed over the last few years. They still say the next big wave is upon us, the incoming energy will bring about transformations and huge changes, etc, etc. Then there is the abundance of people jumping on the ever-growing spiritual bandwagon. It all just bothers the hell out of me. Something is very wrong with it. Every day I stop following another person on WP. Every day I stop following another person on FB. Soon there won’t be anything left to read.

I have always been one to listen to my own self/heart first, so none of the above is really out of the ordinary for me. However, the feeling I get from most if not all of what I am reading is nearing repulsion now. I go back day after day to blogs I use to frequent and try again to read their posts but am turned off within a sentence of two. It just doesn’t flow with me anymore.

The only answer I have to the above is that I am focusing on what really matters: love, family, life. The spiritual is part of all of it. There is no need to follow some channel or some energy forecast. No need to validate my journey from without. All of it is right.here.inside.me. Some people still need to look outside themselves, some are still growing, building their foundations. So they can read or follow the blogs, channels, forecasts. There is nothing wrong with it and eventually they will come full circle, too. We all will.

Interesting little tidbit I want to add now. As if to remind me of my own need for validation there was a time last week when wherever I went I kept getting messages from the environment that said, “Walk-in”. It was ridiculous how frequent it was! I actually had a post on it and then opted to not finish it. That very day I saw this on my way to pick up my family photos:

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I actually laughed out loud when I saw it, thus I had to take a picture to document it.

Then, yesterday I think it was, someone commented on my other blog, the one about walk-ins. I didn’t know how to respond. How do I feel about the subject now? I didn’t know. Ultimately, I still don’t know what to say about it. Part of me is not even sure such a thing really exists. Something obviously happened, is happening to me, but really it seems more like a mental illness – a personality break of sorts – than a spiritual phenomena. At this time the best I can come up with is that I am in a transition period and at some point in the future it will all be crystal clear. All I can say for sure right now is that I have changed, am changed and will continue to change. Change is the only constant.

Kundalini

Last night the Kundalini visited more than once. Consciously I accepted it and even upon waking it swirled and raged, especially around my root and crown. At one point, when the energy was feeling quite strange and almost unsettling I heard, “Stay calm.” At that moment I became more alert to the energy in my crown area. Prior to that, I had received a long, rope-like object composed of tiny threads weaving in and out in spiral fashion. I was to attach one end to my crown and the other to my root. The Kundalini was everywhere but the feeling was unlike anything I have felt before. It was almost as if the space between my root and crown was a vast void with no beginning and no end.

I could not return to the in-between and began to think of all the things I needed to do, specifically that I need to get a run in today. I heard my guidance say, “You need to rest.” It occurred to me then that my recent lack of motivation and desire to “do nothing” in terms of exercise and running was likely more than just my being “lazy”.

Updates on Physical Issues

This morning I have a headache but nothing major. My acne ailment is almost completely healed. In fact, my complexion is glowing and radiant. I will be tapering off of my antibiotics slowly over the next couple of weeks.

My body seems to be adjusting to the birth control. I don’t know if the emotion I am having is related or not. Could be, I guess. The pain in my ankles is gone but I did burst a vein on my right ankle. It is likely it was caused by the BC because higher hormones do effect vein elasticity. It could mean more vein issues in the future.

I am still having panic/anxiety but mostly when I am running. I only ran once this week because the weather has been crazy here in Texas. One day it was near 80 degrees and the next it was snowing (yeah). On that one run I almost ended up in a full-on panic attack out of the blue. These moments of panic come from feeling like I am not in my body when I run. My legs contact solid ground but instead of feeling grounded I feel the opposite, as if I will leave my body via my crown at any moment. The panic comes from my human mind immediately worrying that I will not be in control of this body. Scenarios of passing out on the sidewalk or running into traffic shift me into panic mode. I have to tell myself, “I’m okay. Everything’s fine”. But on this particular day a part of me embraced leaving my body and had no concern or worry of what might happen if I did. Once I ignored the panicking side and listened to the other my anxiety lessened and then dissipated. After that I still opted to take a route away from busy roads just in case. lol

Family

I’ve been having disconcerting dreams about my sister lately. Her birthday is today but I am unable to communicate with her or send her a gift or card because she and her husband have purposefully withheld their address from family. The feeling is that either she is currently struggling or that more severe struggles await her and her husband. It saddens me, especially since she is mostly hurting herself by disconnecting like she is.

My family recently had family photos taken. Here are a couple of them:

Since these photos were taken I have been ever so grateful for my many blessings. At times I am overflowing with gratitude. The smallest of moments make me smile. For example, I have been reading to my youngest in the evenings. He has been requesting that I read to him nightly and brings book after book to me. Every time I read to him he snuggles up close and always either holds or strokes my arm or hand. It is the sweetest thing. I don’t think either of my other two children ever did that.