Health Issues and Feeling “Done”

Still in a funk. Energy-wise I feel tired and unmotivated. Still having some panic/anxiety and heart related issues, also.

Last weekend I went to the gym without incident. On the drive home, upon just seeing the string of cars stopped at a light ahead, I thought, “This is where I always have a panic attack.” Within seconds my heart began to race and the panic attack was on full-force. As soon as I got through the light (which seemed to take eons) I was fine.

Almost every time I get in my car now I have anxiety. Ugh.

So I am being triggered now because of all the past incidents. Sigh. But at least I know these incidents are not all related to low blood sugar.

My heart still does weird things when exercising outside of the gym. The other day I went for a run outside and less than a half mile in my heart began to pound and panic set in. Then, a few days ago, I was exercising at home quite strenuously and my chest actually hurt, though I had no other symptoms. But it concerned me.

It is hard to tell what are real, physical symptoms or panic attack symptoms. Panic attack symptoms are so real every time. Though I am use to them, I always end up thinking I may be dying at some point. It’s hard not to.

Fast forward to last night. Watching t.v. on my laptop in bed and very relaxed I became suddenly aware of my heart seeming to flip flop and flutter in my chest for a good 10-20 seconds. I checked my pulse and it seemed fine. I recognized it because with every one of my pregnancies I had these flutters and “skipped beats” in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters. Always normal for pregnancy but now, well, probably not normal.

Then this morning I experienced a sensation of my heart skipping beats while lying on my right side. This is the most common experience I have and I am use to it. It never lasts very long. But I am reminded of the difficulty breathing I experienced both during and after my most recent OBE. Is that somehow related?

Add this strange arrhythmia to the above panic attacks and gym episodes and it has me quite sure I have inherited my family’s tendency toward heart-related illness (on both sides). My dad’s side of the family carries a history of heart attack, heart valve problems and congenital heart defects. Both my dad and his brother died young (early 50s) from heart related problems. My mom’s side has stroke, high blood pressure and heart failure, mostly in old age. Sadly, my sister had to have open heart surgery when she was younger than I am now to replace a faulty heart valve that was congenital but never discovered until it nearly took her life. She now has to take medication for the rest of her life. My mom suffers from major arrhythmia to the point of losing consciousness and is on medication and has been since her 50s. I witnessed her pass out from it once and was with her through the whole heart-monitor-wearing ordeal that followed.

The heart fluctuations are weekly for me right now but I’ve been having these occurrences for years, though very intermittently and never at such a high rate as now. Nor have I ever had any chest pain before. It is daily now, though nothing sharp or scary. My heart chakra just hurts, like burning in my chest, most of the time.

I have not disregarded the part ascension and Kundalini play in this and suspect the stress put on my physical body from these energies is aggravating underlying issues that may not have been noticeable otherwise. I am super sensitive to energy fluctuations and notice every single change in my physical body from the norm.

So my plan is? Do nothing. Yep. I actually told my husband, “If I pass out or something, don’t call 9-1-1.” Then I said, “It is DNR for me, too. If I happen to get in a car accident or something, I don’t want them to waste their time resuscitating me.” This has always been my position anyway, but I wanted him to remind him so that if something does happen he doesn’t interfere.

I know, quite dramatic, but I have had messages along the way on this spiritual path of mine that refer to my having “limited time” here. Yes, it could be just the soul exchange or maybe it could be really the end of my life (well in both cases I guess it would be). With the Ego death stuff going on as well, it could just be adding to the drama of it all.

Other Considerations

Along with these health related issues I have been feeling, yet again, “done” with life. This feeling was very strong in 2014-2015 and then the Kundalini came along and brought “new life” into me for a short time. Since the Kundalini has gone mostly quiet this year, the last major event in December, 2016, my view on this energy has shifted. The Kundalini and the events that coincided have been the most traumatic experience of this lifetime. I am exhausted. Still. The “loss” has just been too much. I am certain now that I will not be able to overcome it, at least not without major life change and I do not have the energy or desire to travel that road. It seems a daunting path for sure. I feel like a 100 year old facing a mountain without any climbing gear. Insurmountable.

In previous life reviews I never regretted one choice or event, even those that seemed awful at the time. Yet now, when I looked back, I regret choosing the path of the Kundalini. Yes, it can be magnificent but what it left behind was a rubble field of destruction. It exacerbated my lifetime Homesickness making this life that much more difficult to bear. Normal life bores the hell out of me now. I need more and more “excitement” to even want to be here. “Excitement” being those things of a spiritual nature and along the lines of what the Kundalini awoke in me. Those things of an earthly nature that I use to enjoy, just don’t bring me joy anymore. My daily life, though not torturous and really very good for a “normal” life, feels so empty and shallow in comparison to where I’ve been. When I look at my life I think, “This isn’t me. I’m not this person.”

Maybe this is all “normal” for what I’ve been through, and no, I don’t feel suicidal or like I am going to lose my mind and do something crazy. I just feel “done”, like my life and who I am as a person in this lifetime is complete.

Despite everything, I am planning on going to South Padre with my family and extended family this weekend. Maybe some time at the beach will do me some good.



Emotional Purging Returns

After a couple of nights of no tears the break is over. I was up most of the night in tears. I suppose I should count myself blessed being I’m not sick and had the two day reprieve.

The dreams started early in the night and this time I remember all of them and the reasons for my tears. I believe the better dream recall stems from a mixture of a lower dosage of Benadryl and taking 200mg of B6 prior to bed. B6 is known to help with dream recall. I have been taking the Benadryl for weeks because of my lingering cold symptoms and difficulty falling to sleep. Typically it does not lower dream recall or decrease the chance of having an OBEs. In fact, when I had my most recent OBE I took 25mg of Benadryl. However, I sleep lighter when I don’t take it.

Dream: Injustice

In this dream I was watching a drama unfold at a warehouse location (memories). The boss was giving the employees their instructions for the day. A couple of them posted a sign about him on the store doors. It was discovered and they were punished. The sign told untruths about their boss, some very nasty ones, too. I watched as more and more employees were joining the first two and undermining their boss behind his back. They did everything you can imagine – talked about him, purposefully made him look bad, ignored instructions, lied, etc. They were malicious, cold and plain nasty. I watched as the boss saw this happening and was beside himself with upset and unable to do anything about it. There was nothing wrong with him, either, it was just that two men decided to hate him and make his life miserable and got others to join them. I could feel all his upset and it became as if my own.

Toward the end of the dream I entered the dream and tried to defend the man. The whole thing was just so unfair and wrong. I remember telling someone about how I felt and how I could identify with the man’s plight. This is when I began to cry in heaving sobs. It was not tears for me but for the cruelty suffered by anyone in similar circumstances. I did have memories of my own upsets and relived the feelings I had during those times. I saw how I protected myself from it by withdrawing from most social circles.

When I woke up my eyes were pouring tears. It was 11am and I had not been asleep very long yet the dream seemed to have lasted forever. I remember saying to my guidance, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” When I was calmer I heard a voice say, “We want you to stay.” I realized I was in the in-between when I felt/saw one of my guides reach across a table and take my hand in his own. I then saw I was sitting at a round table and my Council was sitting all around me. The table was open in the middle and that is where I was seated. When looking at the table from above it would resemble a crescent moon.

We talked for a short while about my options. I won’t go into detail about them now but they have to do with the upcoming vertical alignment I am preparing for.


Dream: Loss

In this dream I was at work orientation. I was obviously a school counselor at a school campus. Part of the orientation was to take a math quiz (self analysis) in order to assess our readiness to help the students with the state mandated testing. I had gotten mine late and when the principal came around to check our progress she took mine and wrote in black pen comments that were very rude and unprofessional. I was shocked and ended up cheating off a fellow teacher (feeling insecure) to get it done but even the copying proved difficult. The problems were very complex.

Feeling upset and wanting to get away, I went to hide in the bathroom (renewal). I was reconsidering my decision to work there. For some reason I was completely naked (fear of being discovered). I noticed an orange (out-going nature), sticky substance was all over me and I could not get it off. A man came in and told me it came from the sinks. Before I could be surprised that he was there the bathroom was full of people, both male and female. I was the only one without clothes but no one seemed to notice and I didn’t seem to care.

Then I went into the lounge and saw they had loads of fresh squeezed mandarin orange juice (energy/vitality). I saw it and mentioned that I should make marmalade for them. Entire memories of my last temporary job came to me at this time.

Then I was called to a meeting with the principal. She was very stern with me and gave me an agenda. I was working part-time and she was making sure my time was filled with productivity. There was a feeling that she was suspicious that I was slacking. She told me that she wanted me to give a presentation on loss. She then showed me another counselor who was doing such a presentation. The man was praying (humility) with a student. In the prayer he requested help for the child and his family. I was shocked that he was allowed to pray in school and became distraught when I felt the emotion of the family he was praying for.

I woke up in tears. There was a feeling that I was being asked to consider continuing my work as a counselor. I did not want this and was rejecting the idea. However, there is no indication of such a request. I think I was being asked to evaluate past experiences. The tears came from the end of the dream. I recognized that I have suffered huge loss in this life, loss that never was quite resolved. I also felt extremely lonely. My guidance pointed this out to me saying, “You are lonely.” The homesick feeling was very strong.

Dream: Test

In this dream I was with a couple of groups. The first was made of two men. Both had been drinking heavily (reaching new level of awareness) and one had vomited (letting go) and was cleaning it up. The second group was made of two women and they were going with me to a job interview situation. One woman was needing the job badly and talking about her financial situation. She was young and inexperienced. When we got to the location we were asked to take a test (self-analysis). The tests were on computers. After we were seated we began the test. I knew I had to pass all four sections but I was very nervous. Things kept distracting me. For example, I found several pairs of socks (yielding to others) on the desk, only one pair was mine. Another distraction was the woman sitting next to me. I remember us talking about our eyes and her saying she had a rare and special condition. I can’t recall it now but I do remember looking into her brown eyes for a long time. They were speckled with gold and very unique.

Eventually I was told to log off and given a slip of paper to come in and finish my exam. I asked why and was told it was lunch time. I got irritated at the proctor because the others were still taking their tests. I asked, “Why do they get to stay?” She wouldn’t answer. I realized it was because they were almost done and I was far from done. I stormed out of the building telling then I would not be able to come during the week like they wanted me to and likely would never finish the test.

When I got outside I climbed onto a little moped and drove off. Unfortunately, one of my tires went flat (feeling emotionally flat/tired) leaving me with only two. I remember seeing the tire very vividly as it literally fell off the third wheel.

The last thing I recall was sitting in a movie theater facing a group of kids. They were talking about going out and getting drunk. I remembering thinking I could use a drink, too, but knowing better.


I woke between each of these dreams and was unable to fall asleep for some time afterward. After the last dream I just stayed awake. While in between dreams I was given messages in the form of visions and music. The main visual I recall was seeing the number 11 very vividly. It started out small, like in the distance, and then got larger and large, closer and closer.

Several songs came to mind. The first two came simultaneously into my mind. This was after I woke from the first dream and was quite upset.

I was hearing, “You are beautiful, no matter what they say” simultaneously with, “I will wait, I will wait for you.” Two completely different songs superimposed in my mind.

The last song came after the second dream and before the third. It returned after I woke from the third as well. The part that kept repeating was, “I wanna dance with somebody. I wanna feel the heat with somebody. I wanna dance with somebody, somebody who loves me.” I suspect this song message is about the Kundalini “dance” of masculine and feminine energies. I have a brief memory from early on in the night where I felt the Kundalini energy throughout my mid-section. It was a pleasant, whirling feeling that, had I been more lucid, would likely have been quite intense and difficult to manage.

Glimpse of a Parallel Life

I’ve been sick for about five days now, ever since the K-index began to go into the red. Do I blame the geomagnetic storms? No. I blame my sick family members who passed the cold on to me. lol But it is interesting that the K-index was in the red at the beginning and is now in the red again as the cold is fading. All I’ve felt through these storms is sick so it is hard to say how else they may have affected me. Interestingly, I ran into several others who also had a cold the same time as me, all via the internet and from different states/locations.

Planetary K Index plot

Despite being sick, I’ve had some interesting dream experiences I want to share. It seems like I’ve been in class learning and practicing some of my skills.

Dream: Viewing a Parallel Life

I was given a photo album and asked to open it. Inside there were photographs attached to black pages. Each photograph was of a particular time in my life. I recognized them all but they were slightly different than I remember. Some photos would play videos if you touched them. I watched several of these and when I did it was like I went into the movie and experienced it first-hand.

Most of the videos I watched were from my school years. I recall seeing my family sitting in folding chairs waiting for a school function to begin. I must have been the one they were coming to see because I was not in the video or photos. I saw my little sister, grandmother and her sister, my great-aunt. I remember looking at how their appearances varied from this lifetime, noting the similarities and differences.

In another picture turned video I was shown how the color guard I was a part of in high school was a dance team primarily. In this life we primarily twirled flags.

I watched several movies but eventually an entire lifetime came into my memory, a lifetime very similar to this one with some differences.

I had attended the same school, still had two sisters, still had the same mother and father, still had the same connections. What was odd to me was that I was married to my ex-husband and my current husband was my ex and the father of my daughter. My two sons were not present. Never born. Instead, my half-brother, who my mom adopted in my current life, was my adopted son. Meaning I must have adopted him instead of her.

A huge amount of this parallel life centered around my half brother and his being admitted to a school related to a government program. The school was for an “elite” group of young people who would be groomed to be part of the government military. Strange thing is the government was a religious organization that had somehow been given the authority to rule the country. A theocracy I guess would be the right name. It was a honor to be in this school and my half brother was very proud. He spent his days in a very strict environment where electronics and computer devices were strictly prohibited. I saw the uniforms of the government military and they were all black with two stripes of parallel color from the chest to just below the hip. The colors varied depending on rank/level/appointment. I did not feel this government was bad, just different and in some ways much better than the current government of this lifetime.

When I woke I knew I had been viewing a parallel life and that it was just one of many others. Sadly, I was too sick to care much or to ask questions. I have no idea if I was happy in that life or not.

Dream: Practice

I had this dream this morning. What I recall most about it was being instructed on how to purposefully block and allow certain emotional experiences. The emotions first appeared in the dream as a swirling mass of energy above me. The mass was enormous, big enough to fill a large bedroom. My task was to select from this mass of emotions the ones I wished to experience without becoming overwhelmed by all of the emotion. I selected two and felt them full-on. They were positive emotions for the most part. I remember the feeling slightly and it was pleasant, like peaceful and happy.

There was a section during this time where I had a feeling of being transported in a vehicle. In the back was a blind girl who seemed to represent me in some way. The blindness was a positive in that it helped her to focus on the feelings. At this point I was feeling extremely vulnerable and there was with this an on-the-verge feeling, like a huge anticipation of something to come. Someone asked me if I wanted to stop experiencing the feeling. I said I did and the blind girl said very loudly, “I’ve had enough of feeling vulnerable.” The feeling stopped then and I woke very suddenly from the dream knowing something important had been going on.

I was told that I had been practicing choosing and blocking emotion. I was reminded that everything we experience is our choice.

Not long after I fell back to sleep and ended up with a massive energy in my root chakra that seemed to linger for a very long time. Again, I was too tired to care and despite being very lucid and even waking up several times throughout, I shrugged it off. That is a good sign because the root energy is not easy to ignore! Perhaps the lesson on choosing emotion extends to choosing sensation, too?




Streamlining the Self

Update you all might be interested in. Thanks for reading! ❤

A Walk-In Life

Integration is almost complete and I am noticing a substantial difference in myself. I have been told for longer than I can recall, “You are changing.” I have noticed this and that along the way, but currently there are so many changes I am noticing that it is mind boggling. I am so different than I use to be in so many ways. It seems miraculous, but it isn’t.

My Companion says it is the result of “streamlining the Self”.

Streamline definition from

1. a teardrop line of contour offering the least possible resistance to a current of air, water, etc.
2. the path of a particle that is flowing steadily and without turbulence in a fluid past an object……..
4. to alter in order to make more efficient or simple.

The Discussion

After waking this morning I recalled that there was discussion in my dreams of all the progress I had made…

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Final Preparations Continue

Had a full moon Kundalini lucid dream experience last night within an hour of falling asleep. It was another preparation for the full rising. Based on the dream symbolism I suspect more Kundalini dreams/experiences will be coming by Easter. Thanks for reading. ❤

A Walk-In Life

Last night while meditating my Companion told me he would be meeting me later that night. By the time I was in bed doing my nightly meditation I had all but forgotten about it. While meditating he reminded me. I had noticed a difference in the energy throughout the day and by this time it was very acute. So, I did not doubt my Companion would do what he said.


While meditating I was led to do something I have never done. I began to tap with three fingers on certain points on my body. At first I did this on my pelvis quite unconsciously but was led to pay attention to what I was doing. Next, I felt led to tap on the space just above my heart. After that I felt drawn to tap on my left wrist area. Then I was drawn to tap on the spaces right…

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Dream: Meeting Tom Selleck

Well, not exactly Tom Selleck. The man I saw had chest hair like him and I thought of Tom Selleck when I saw/felt his chest hair. lol

Anyway, the night began with a mixture of dreams that involved me and others learning how to control a body. In the dreams we were a good distance away from the bodies. So far in fact that they resembled game pieces rather than physical bodies. I don’t remember much of the experience. It seemed to vanish upon waking. What I do recall is that when I woke it was from the Kundalini. Energy entered through my crown, shot down to my root and exploded back upward. My body’s response is what finally woke me up. The feeling was that I watched the energy as it poured through my “game piece” body but also felt what the body felt. When I woke I understood that it had been a lesson, a hands-on type of practice, to better understand how to handle the physical sensations of the body.

I am grateful the Kundalini was muted.

Dream: Meeting Tom Selleck

I was at the dentist’s office and was being told the treatment I would need. What I saw was an image of my lower jaw with teeth made of metal. I was told the coming surgery and reassured it would be okay and I would have ample anesthesia so it wouldn’t hurt that much. It made me anxious, though.

Sometime during the conversation I ended up in my old bedroom at my mom’s. Next to me was the dentist, a man a bit older than me with dark hair and eyes. I recall laying my head on his hairy chest and he allowed this. It felt nice but I wanted to be closer. The next thing I know he is laying on top of me. I attempt to kiss him. He turns his head away and does not allow me to. I can feel him resist and then reject me. There is a telepathic exchange here. He reminds me that we can’t do anything romantic.

He explains himself to me and this is when I see his hairy chest. I feel it, too. It is thick and dark and I am reminded of Tom Selleck for some reason. From that point on when I see this man I think “Tom Selleck”. lol

Throughout our telepathic exchange I keep being interrupted by my children with this or that kind of “emergency”. I lose track of where the man is and assume he has left but then see his white pick-up truck parked outside. It feels like a day or so has passed and I am so distracted I forget to look for him. I pause and check for his truck. It is still parked outside.

I walked outside noting the truck still parked there. It is nighttime but I see chickens out in the yard. I yell to my mom, “Hey, did you know your chickens are out and awake!?” I nearly step on a dead one. I nudge it with my foot and think, “They are all dying.”

The man comes up and stands next to me. He just appears out of nowhere, like he has been waiting for me. He says, “We shouldn’t give up…” He was about to continue when my daughter came running outside crying. The man puts his arm around my waist and pulls me close. I let him. My heart feels to burst open. I don’t linger, though, but break away to deal with my daughter. She is hysterical over math homework. I go inside with her and forget about the man.

Then I am watching a scene unfold. There is a woman (mother?) tending to her many children. The youngest is sick and dying. I see the baby in a bath. I think he is dead but his eyes are open and he looks alive yet I hear the prognosis and it is not good. I see my youngest child’s name spelled out in large, white letters. Then the mother is outside with a man. A letter falls from the sky and he opens it. I then recall saying, “But I’ve lost so many babies, I can’t lose anymore…”

I shift back to my mom’s house. I am kneeling by the wood fence in the back picking up fallen leaves that have gathered near its base. I feel the man approach. He wants my attention. I can hear his thoughts and feel his emotion. He doesn’t want me to give up on him. He comes closer, kneeling and helping me gather up the leaves. My heart begins to explode in love for him but I resist, focusing on a leaf I am placing in my left hand. I feel him pleading with me. He tells me that he thinks we can make it through this together. I want to embrace him and tell him I want what he wants, but I don’t. I just allow him to be close and continue to pick up the leaves. My heart is exploding and I am so happy for him to be there. It is the most amazing feeling and I want to feel it forever but I also feel I can’t trust my heart. Following it only leads to pain. I begin to cry.

I wake up crying. My heart continues to blaze for a long while after. I can’t sleep for a while but do eventually fall back to sleep.


The symbolism indicates that I am struggling with feelings of rejection. The fact that the man is my dentist means I am doubting his sincerity and honor. Surgery means an opening of the Self and/or healing. A pick-up symbolizes hard work and/or something that needs to be “picked up”. The chickens represent cowardliness but since they are “all dying” then perhaps courage is forthcoming? The babies are ideas and new beginnings. They are sick/dying so I feel a loss of hopes/dreams/new beginnings. The letter from the sky is a message to me but I don’t read it. I mention that I can’t handle more loss. The fence is an obstacle. The leaves represent fallen hopes, despair and sadness. I am cleaning them up. Leaves could also be a pun for actually “leaving” a situation behind me.


Lucid Dream Sequence 

When I return to sleep I entered into a dream sequence where I know I am dreaming. Even in recognizing it, though, I choose to follow the dream rather than create it.

In the beginning the lucidity comes on when I am trying to determine if the Tom Selleck dream really happened or was a dream. I have an internal debate and then decide I am dreaming. This is when I made the decision to let the dream show me what I need to know.

I recall being told something would take 32 weeks. I don’t know what but the number stuck.

I also spend a lot of this dream cleaning up messes – picking up after my children and cleaning in general.

There is a part of the dream where I am asked to return to the temporary job I just had. I am suspicious, though, asking, “What happened to the woman who came back to work?” I enter my old office but it is a portable building and when I open the door water cascades out. I walk inside and see the computer and office was not harmed. The water was only a couple of feet high. I look at a TV screen playing and tap it to see if it is solid. It is. I lose interest and leave. I don’t care if anyone has left me an email message.

Then as I am walking out of the building I encounter a woman. She is dressed in black and holding a machine gun. I go up to her to kiss her and she stops me telling me I need to do something first. I notice she has a full beard and comment on it. She doesn’t respond.

I head outside and there is a man with red hair standing there. He also has a full beard. For some reason I decide to kiss him. When I do it feels like a cylinder is placed into my mouth and all the way down my throat. I feel unable to breathe through my nose at this time, too. The cylinder remains and then another one feels to be placed into my root chakra. It extends all the way up into my 2nd chakra. The feeling is so weird! The cylinders feel like contained energy. It seems like the two cylinders are trying to join in the middle of my body.

The bottom cylinder distracts me and I attempt to pull it out but can’t. So I pull the one out of my mouth. It is like I pull out a huge snake! I’m surprised I didn’t gag.

When I wake up my root chakra is a ball of swirling energy that feels heavy and makes the area seem almost numb.


I suspect this dream sequence was to show me the areas I am still healing. The temporary job I had was during an especially emotional time. The water indicates the emotion. I am putting it behind me, though.

The woman that has a beard represents me and my decision to be more assertive in my life, to take charge and be more masculine. She says, “Not yet”. She is holding a machine gun which is anger and aggression that is out of control. Then I end up with the man with a beard. Beards are insight and wisdom. Since his hair is red it could be that I am attempting to address my anger.

Dream: Dynamite

I’ve been unable to fall asleep at night the past few nights. It has been taking me an hour at least. Last night I decided to use the time and meditate on the lotus like in the book by Gopi Krishna. When I did I saw the flower in my mind’s eye but then it burst into a purple light like it was on fire.

Unfortunately, I was unable to remain focused for long. My mind wanders and I end up in a dream sequence in the in-between. I need to practice it more because I think it would help me to keep my mind focused so that when the Kundalini hits I can focus through it like Gopi did.

Dream: Dynamite

I was choosing clothes for school. I woke early and selected a pair of light blue jeans and then began to put on shoes that resembled red pleather Allstars. The shoes laces took a long time to lace and one had over abundant laces (the left one) while the other had too much lace on the left and not enough on the right. I eventually gave up and took them off realizing I didn’t want to wear bright red shoes. I recall selecting pink socks and then putting on my black, short boots.

When I went to school it was a massively huge building and I remember relating it to a school I knew from my past which was known for gang activity and bullying. I entered the building and ran into other kids but kept to myself. I remember meeting a boy who resembled Fred Savage (The Wonder Years) when he was a teenager. The boy was very interested in me but I wanted nothing to do with him so I ignored him and turned my back on him.

Then I was walking toward the end of the building to my class. When I met my teacher he looked like the grown version of Fred Savage and again I rejected him. He felt to be super interested in me, his energy needy. I remember him showing me the project we had been working on. I picked up what looked like a firecracker, you know the big M80? I lit it and it began to light up and remained lit with sparks flying off of it. It never blew up but resembled a flare instead. I remember thinking of the M80s as “dynamite”. There were pairs of these fireworks lined up along the base of what looked like a tall, pyramid shaped object. It was black and resembled a volcano. Three pairs on the left and three pairs on the right following the triangular base. All of the six pairs were lit and sparking but I began to blow them out despite the man asking me not to. He was begging me to stop, putting his hands in the way to keep me from blowing them out. I remember being angry at him for his interference and placing blame.

Eventually I left and walked down a long, very clean, white hallway. I was talking to a woman about picking up my son and how tired I was but that I needed to get groceries after school/work. We stopped in front of a machine that scanned the woman I was with. I froze wondering what was going on. She told me it was an ATM machine and this was how it recognized whose account to withdraw funds from. I was fascinated but knew it only worked for set amounts, specifically for $20 bills.

We entered another hallway and the woman went on her way. I recognized a friend making photocopies. When I went up to her I dropped a box I had been carrying that was full of supplies. Something broke that was organic in nature.


Fred Savage 


When I woke I knew the firecrackers/dynamite represented the lighting of the Kundalini and the pairs were representative of the masculine and feminine. The Fred Savage looking guy was my masculine side. I recall him being chubby and this was a turn off for me. Then again, I don’t find Fred Savage particularly attractive anyway. lol

It appears there is a rejection of the masculine occurring in my currently. I’m not sure if my rejection of the firecrackers is positive or negative,though. It seems there is a rejection of the K energy. I don’t want it to rise like it has in the past. Perhaps I’ve had enough of its distraction?

Overall my dreams seem to indicate the potential for dramatic change fast approaching, a change I don’t want and am resisting.


Red – intense emotion, anger, passion, impulsiveness.

Shoes – my approach toward life. Changing my approach.

Shoelaces (tying) – preparing to move forward, take on a challenge.

Uneven shoelaces – the left is longer than the right, the feminine/masculine unbalanced, more focus on feminine.

Socks – flexibility, being more understanding of others and situations.

Dynamite – danger, a significant change is approaching and there may be a situation that blows up.

Volcano – unable to control emotions, if dormant then the emotions are under control but there is significant danger that it will erupt and be damaging and hurtful to others.

Pyramid – major changes will occur in short period of time.

ATM – desires for financial security.

Groceries – need for something in life, feeling something is missing.


There was a whole dream sequence about my mom buying a single wide mobile home and putting it in the front of her yard. It was specifically meant for my sister’s family because they are unable (unwilling IMO) to provide for themselves and their son. They use their son to manipulate others into helping them and use their felony records as excuses as to why they can’t keep up with their bills.

This dream is a reflection of what is currently going on and how I feel about it. I don’t want to visit my mom’s house anymore because it now is mixed with the energy of my sister’s family and her husband especially has erratic energy/mood. My mom’s home no longer feels like the sanctuary it once was to me. I also have feelings of anger toward my sister for taking advantage of my mom, making the choices she does, and purposefully asking for handouts rather than working for herself to earn a living.

As I was thinking of the situation, my guidance said to me, “How’s what she is doing different from what you are doing?” This put me in my place fast. I am choosing not to work and living off my husband. He is okay with providing for me. It is no different from my sister not working and my mom choosing to provide for her. Perfect example of how the judgments we make about others are really reflections of our own self-loathing. More contemplation will come from this I am sure.


Speaking of self-loathing, I had a vision of looking in the mirror at my reflection. I took a razor blade and began to cut my face purposefully. I made vertical cuts every inch or so until cuts covered my entire face. When it healed the scarring made my face looked striped. It resembled bars, like a jail cell. My reaction to this was just curiosity and there was a feeling of gratification which was odd, like I was making a work of art out of my face.