The Grass is Always Greener

Got lots of extra, much needed sleep this morning. Slept until almost 9am! I was awakened at 6:30am by my kids but managed to fall back to sleep. It was better than average sleep with a vivid dream.

Dream: Trip to China

I suspect the location of this dream came from a movie I watched which was set in China.

The first part of the dream that I remember is seeing a map of Europe and talking about visiting China. I said, “As long as it is warm.” Someone mentioned the southern part as our destination.

Then I was in China with a group of people in a building that I suppose was a school. There was a party going on for my daughter’s class. I went inside and saw all the desks lined up and each had a cupcake on it. Some cupcakes were vanilla and others were chocolate. I remember sitting at one of the front desks watching the end of the party and then turning and seeing a chocolate cupcake on a desk. It was a leftover and I wondered to myself if I should take it. It was like I was asking my daughter a question, like she was me. I answered back to myself, “No. I already have one.” I knew the one I had was vanilla, and I preferred it over the chocolate.

Then I was heading to the hotel. My daughter was no longer with me (not sure she ever was but thinking she was me). I went and checked into my room and there was an encounter with another class of college aged students. I was in front of the class lecturing about math, trigonometry. I remember feeling really excited about the math, like I missed solving equations.

There were only three students, all female, in the class. I knew I was not their regular teacher. He was a black man who had left his cell phone in the room. I picked it up and took it into a room and left it there for him knowing he had forgotten it.

I went outside and walked through the empty streets for a while. It seemed like I had no particular destination, like I was just walking to walk. I was also talking to myself or someone as I walked but I can’t remember what I was talking about now. The streets were unfamiliar but had tall buildings and narrow allies and roads. I recall seeing bricks for the road base.

Eventually I turned around and headed back. I knew there was a party and looked up and saw a line forming up above me a on a ledge. For some reason I had a baby in my hands and lifted him up and set him on the ledge. A person in line grabbed him and held onto him to keep him from falling.

I watched the line for a while. It rarely moved but when it did it was by a large amount of people.

A black man walked up to me and asked me for his phone. I told him I left it in the room and then remembered it was in his pants. I had locked my key in the room so had to go to the desk and ask for another. The man at the desk spoke English and opted to take me up to the room. I remember thinking he must have immigrated to China because he had no accent.

I found the man’s phone in his pants and brought it back down and asked people in line if they had seen him. When I found him I gave him his phone and told him where it had been.

Eventually the line moved and me and the baby, now a young child, went through the check point. We had chips embedded in our ankles that were scanned to let us through. The dream ended there.


This is the second dream I’ve had with these symbols in it: traveling, standing in line, baby.

To travel in a dream represents the life path and the goals of life. In one dream I was going to CA and in this one to China. California symbolizes the spiritual, adventure and new prospects. It is more positive than China which represents a period where one lacks enthusiasm and passion for life.

Standing in line represents impatience or that one is waiting for something.

Babies represent innocence and new beginnings as well as new ideas and potential.

The first part of the dream appears to be conversing with myself, like HS with lower self. I have a vanilla cupcake and do not want the chocolate one. Vanilla is warmth and family – which I already have. Chocolate is enjoyment, relaxation and romantic love – which I do not have. This I can relate to because lately I have felt resigned to only the one and feeling that having both is not possible at this time or may never be possible. The dream indicates it is a choice. It is hard to see it that way, though.

The China part of the dream might be further inspection of my state of being at this time. The environment is bleak and dark. The streets are empty. I enjoy solving problems (the math) but communication is problematic (lost cell phone). The black man could represent something unknown about myself in regards to the masculine, or an actual man who is hiding something or mysterious to me. Either way I feel unable to communicate with that aspect. The line represents waiting for something. In this case entry to a party. Parties represent ones ability to enjoy themselves and be social.

The Grass is Always Greener

Overall the dream makes sense to me. I have been asking for assistance from my guidance and the answers I got were:

“The grass is always greener on the other side”. Realization that I need to be happy with what I have right here. Visual of standing on packed dirt and seeing a green field in front of me along with thoughts that the dirt can be nice, too, all I have to do is sweep it smooth. I saw myself sweeping the packed dirt and considering the good aspects of it. Though packed dirt is not comfortable it is soil and can be tilled. Seeds can be planted and tended and new growth can be achieved. I can create my own grass or garden or anything I choose. Or I can continue to sweep packed dirt and do nothing different.

Continued feelings that I am going in a new spiritual direction. Where the last five years have been about ascension and expansion, the coming year(s) are about solidifying my earth experiences, becoming more grounded and changing/Being the change. I continue to get a feeling that it is time to look toward physical life experience and away from spiritual experiences. I am not accepting it well because I do not like the physical experience.

My main concern is that I have no idea what to strive for in the physical. I have no drive or motivation toward anything here; nothing that sparks my interest, brings me excitement or anticipation. To focus on the physical gives me a feeling of loss in general. Plus, I am extremely bored. So, I have asked to be shown what to do next. Maybe an answer will be given, like in the summer of 2018 when I asked for a new career path and it was given. Only this time I don’t even have a specific topic or direction in mind, just that I want to find a spark of interest in life again.


Reassuring Dream

Busy night in dreamtime. Thankfully, the dreams made me feel more positive and calm. Not sure exactly what occurred that produced this response in me but I am thankful.

Dream: Visitor

This dream began in my grandparent’s underground (subconscious) house (self). I was inside the kitchen (spiritual nourishment) and noticed a roach (uncleanliness) on the ceiling. I got out a broom and began to try and hit it so it would fall to the ground. After a few tries I succeeded and it scampered toward the edge of the room to hide. I pursued it and slammed it with the broom, cutting it in half and killing it.

Then I went outside and looked around. It did not look like it does in real life. There was a large field of grass (happiness) that had been baled into hay (happiness/success). Another field next to it was set to be baled later in the summer. How I knew this I’m not sure but I think I was talking to someone.

I flew over the field looking at it and thinking it beautiful. Everything was so green and alive!

Then I was walking with a beloved friend through the field with my dog. He had come to visit and we were talking about random things – personal, every day life things. I remember discussing movies from the 1990’s. At some point he showed me a figurine that looked ancient, carved from wood or bone. It was of a warrior or man and it reminded me of the ancient Maya carvings. FYI: The carving reminds me of a past life I recalled with this person. 

I looked at it and suggested we visit a mound of earth in the distance. Carved into the rock was the same figure. My friend and I walked over it, marveling at how large and detailed it was.

My friend commented about my dog’s personality. I laughed and grabbed his hand. We walked into a structure made of adobe (unity, love) and sat down on a molded earth bench in front of an open window looking out over the fields and hills below. I sat on his left and snuggled into the crook of his arm, laying my head on his shoulder.

I said, “Thank you for coming to see me this week.” He squeezed me closer to him.

There was an unspoken knowing here about his feelings toward me. It was as if everything was explained in an instant. As if we had an entire conversation without words. A conversation where I asked him about some things that were bothering me and he gave me an honest answer. What I had assumed he felt and thought was not correct and it was a relief to know the truth.

He told me that he would be going on a trip with his mother soon. He either said, “in 10 days” or on “July 10th”. With this came an explanation about all that he still had to do and why he saw me so infrequently. I accepted it.

He kissed the top of my head and pulled me closer and said, “I love you.” I smiled and said, “I love you more than you will ever know.” With this I began to feel energy stirring all over my body. It was beautiful and subtle but enough to wake me up. My heart and throat were still tingling with energy when I opened my eyes.

When I woke I knew who it was I was with in the dream. But still I told myself, “I just created him for my dream.” Regardless, I felt really, really calm, reassured and happy.

Dream: Tattooed Man 

This dream began inside an apartment (state of life, emotion, relationship). I had just moved in and noticed repairs had been made to the door. When I asked about it the manager told me that they had to break in to deal with a situation. Turns out the former tenants had left two dogs and several cats inside for a long while. One of the dogs killed and mutilated all but one of the cats. I could see in my mind the destruction – dead and torn apart cats strewn all over the place.

Then I was talking to a man and a woman inside the apartment. They wanted me to participate in a ceremony with them. It was spiritual but also sexual. I remember the man was shirtless and covered in tattoos that made him look eerily like a snake. The woman was short and tiny with brown hair. We discussed the ceremony for a while. I remember him asking me if I saw a squirrel (holding onto things) when I went outside. I said I had seen it in the water nearly drowned (emotion, overwhelmed).

There was a portion of the dream here where I went shopping with the couple. They had a baby (innocence, newness) with them that they had put up on a shelf while they shopped. I was worried it would fall but saw it had been secured and was safe.

We went back to the couple’s apartment for the ceremony. I remember being completely in agreement with it at first. I sat down and had two shots of tequila and then got closer to the tattooed man. As I focused on him my heart lit up with bliss indicating there was a connection between us and I began to see tattoos on my own skin.

I moved away from him, beginning to doubt that the ceremony would be a good idea and started looking at the clock. I wanted to get back to my apartment before my kids realized I was gone. It was 10:30pm.

In my concern about things I asked the man’s address so that if I had to call 911 (fear, concern/worry) I would know what to tell the operator. He said 3033. I looked out the window and saw the parking lot. I knew that people could see inside very easily and would see that I was naked (vulnerability).

Something woke me up at this time. My body was covered in energy, specifically my solar plexus and heart.

The tattooed man reminded me of someone I had seen a long time ago in an OBE. He had the comedy/tragedy tattoo on him and was a doctor. This song was also on my mind, specifically “tattooed all I am, all I see”:


The first dream was really nice. I don’t remember many details now but the feeling from it is still with me. As a result I’ve had a good, positive day. It is always nice to wake up from a dream feeling reassured and positive!

The second dream seems to be about my emotional state, my life and relationships, and the Kundalini, at least that is how it feels to me. The apartment incident with the cats and dogs suggests an inner struggle, or maybe even an outer one as well. The struggle caused destruction and the death of the cats. Cats are symbolic of the feminine, independence, and feminine sexuality. The tattooed man and the feelings between us likely represents the Kundalini especially since I remember being hot and cold regarding the “ceremony”. At first I was very interested and then I pulled away. So I tried to take the edge off with alcohol but got scared off again. lol

The Kundalini was definitely active through both dreams but I only remember the tail end of it as I woke. It was nice and soothing, not crazy, intense or sexual.



Finally, Dream Recall!

Finally some memorable dreams last night. The first seems like a premonition, but it is hard to say if it is of an actual even or symbolic. The last appears to be dreamwork and typical of the kind of dreams I have when I am sorting through issues that need to be addressed.

Dream: Flood

A storm was coming. It was all over the news and weather channels. Heavy rain was coming to the south. We were being told to prepare for power outages and flooding. I remember thinking I should save water wherever I could – the bathtub, in containers, in water bottles. I also remember thinking that no matter how much water I saved we would eventually run out if power was not restored quickly enough.

I recall walking around inside a house as I was listening to the reports and listening to the rain falling outside. There is memory of seeing the water rising around a railroad track and seeing it continue to rise to the rooftops of some houses. I thought that I would be fine if I put all my things on the second floor and remember seeing myself doing this. I also saw a map of Texas and all of the lower half of the state near the coasts completely under water.

I was talking to someone I know, female I think, about her driving north to avoid the floods. For some reason it felt like I was there waiting out the rains. There is memory of someone telling me the water would recede after 2 days.

signDream: Investment Conference in Georgia

I woke up briefly and returned to sleep and back to the map portion of the dream. I shifted focus and descended to the southeastern U.S. I was traveling with a group to a conference in the state of Georgia. I remember knowing he would be there and being especially nervous and fidgety.

The place we ended up was a restaurant/conference hall. It felt to be outside yet inside at the same time. We were seated at a round table with white linens and a fancy setup. The group I was with were reassuring. The person who seated us seemed to know that he would also be there and was asking me questions about how I felt about it. I remember sitting and facing forward as if in a daze as I watched the other participants gathering. I replied to her that I was “okay”.

We were then served wholesome food made from organic ingredients. The main dish was lasagna.

As the conference was beginning I saw him arrive but I never saw his face. I heard his voice and located him quite quickly. He sat with his back to me at another table. This I knew he did purposefully to avoid eye contact with me. He knew I was going to be there just as much as I knew he would be there.

As I watched the back of his head I began to feel a strong panic response. It was as if the lady was asking me questions about how I felt all over again. The feeling increased and I felt a bit nauseous. I told her, “I can’t see him again. It will kill me.” Yet at the same time I desperately wanted him to turn around, acknowledge me and come talk to me. My main recollection of feeling here was intense grief and heartsickness. The panic was in response to fear of that feeling returning and the devastation it caused.

This song was in my head during this time:

I decided to focus on something else and began talking to a young girl seated next to me. Something she said made me laugh and it felt good. I hoped he could hear my laughter. I remembered that he preferred not to interact with me when I was unbalanced. A thought crossed my mind then that to be that way all the time was impossible because I am human. It seemed to me that he rejected my human side and I felt defeated by this realization.

The next thing I recall is him being gone. I inquired about his whereabouts and someone said he had left with a woman. I saw her in my mind – older than me, light hair and very large breasts. I was instantly concerned. The lady said, “Don’t worry. They just went to eat somewhere else. Just around the corner.” She motioned to just up the road. I looked and saw dense trees typical of the northern GA landscape and a two lane road winding through them.

I got up and went to the edge of the conference area. Someone came up to me and asked me about the conference. Was I interested in what was being discussed? This is when I learned it was about investment and finance. I told her I already knew enough and hoped she would not be insulted if I walked out when the discussion began.

For the remainder of the conference I walked the perimeter of the location. There was a giant tree with knotted, exposed, massive roots. I climbed up on them and sat down, looking in the direction I was told he had gone and lost in my own thoughts. Sitting on the tree roots was comforting as was being far from the group at the conference.

After a while someone approached me and handed me a partially eaten plate of lasagna, asking, “Don’t you want to finish this?” I said, “I’m not hungry.” I walked back to the gathering which had now concluded and watched as the cook prepared for the next group.

The cook was an older woman. She seemed to be giving a demonstration of how she cooked. In front of her was a very large sweet potato, the size of a melon. In awe of its size, I commented on it. She scowled and told me only the ripest ones were picked and the others left to mature in the fertile soil. Then she cut it into quarters.

I watched as other participants began to arrive. One group came in a large, black SUV. They were all Asian and didn’t speak English. I was the last of my group and they were calling me to the car. I lingered and watched the others, wanting an excuse to stay.


When I woke the dream was still fresh on my mind. This song was going through my head:

Hearing the song made me a little angry as did the last dream.

The first dream seems to indicate that a period of high emotion is on its way. The fact that it floods the first floor of a house symbolizes that it will impact me on a soul level, the “base” level of my personality and life path. Flood waters can be a cleansing force, coming through and clearing out the unwanted, and unneeded. Traveling north may symbolize finding my “true north”. So perhaps this flood of emotion will help me recognize something about my purpose and direction in life? Whatever the message, there was a specific time period of 2 days indicated.

The second dream seems to be a fear-base, release dream. Perhaps the flood is related to this dream, perhaps not. It is hard to say at this time.

There are lots of dream symbols, but the ones that stand out to me are: finance/investment, lasagna, tree roots, and sweet potato.

Finance and investment likely indicates that I am somehow “invested” in what is happening in the dream. I indicate that I don’t want to learn anymore about this topic, so I am avoidant (for obvious reasons).

Lasagna is a good omen. It signals a period of personal enjoyment is coming my way. It reminds one to savor the moment and enjoy what is given.

The roots make me feel good in the dream; calm, safe, stable. This is root symbolism coming through. Roots can also indicate a “root cause” for something or ones connection and bond to others. The foundation and basis for something bigger. The bigger and stronger the roots, the bigger the “tree”. In this dream the roots were massive and old and nearly as big as the tree itself (which I never saw).

Sweet potatoes can symbolize good health, sexual intimacy and partnership. Sometimes they can indicate sexual urges, specifically that one partner has stronger urges than the other. The fact that the cook instructs me to only pick them when ripe and let the others mature in fertile soil could be a message about patience and timing.

Overall, it seems like the last dream is trying to get me to focus on specific feelings in order to heal. These feelings are deeply rooted, perhaps karmic or related to my soul family. Just touching on the feelings as briefly as I did in the dream invoked multiple emotions indicating the lesson is incomplete.



Happy Father’s Day to all you father’s out there! Hope you have a great day.

My husband has gone off to ride motorcycles with his brothers today. He recently got his motorcycle license and is really into it. So his Father’s Day is going to be a good one.

I’ve been quite low mood lately. Just grumpy, pessimistic and disappointed. The messages I received about June 13th and “three weeks” seemed to have no purpose. Nothing significant has happened to indicate why I received these messages.

Some minor things have come up that may or may not be significant. I realized I have a sensitivity to wine last week when I had a couple of glasses of Pinot Noir. My nose became stuffy after around the third sip. This is normal for me so I disregarded. By the second glass, however, I had congestion and noticeable restriction when I breathed. I looked up my symptoms because as far back as I can remember I have always become congested when I drank wine. I finally thought maybe it was not normal. And there it was – alcohol sensitivity. In my case specifically sensitivity to wine. So no more wine for me I guess. BUT I do fine with Tequila!  🙂

Another thing that happened was a hair change. About two weeks ago I got my hair cut and then I dyed it darker to cover up the overly blonde ends I disliked. After washing my hair it curled quite a bit and even after brushing it straight it would curl up again. I let it dry naturally and had a significant amount of wavy curls. This surprised me but I figured it would go away. Well, it hasn’t. What was once straight hair with lots of body is now wavy/curly hair.

I had naturally curly hair as a baby and toddler. My best guess is that this change has to do with aging somehow.

Not much in dream recall these days. I sleep very deeply and struggle to remember details from my dreams for the most part. Some dreams survived in my memory from last night, though.

Dream: Vic’s

This dream was odd. The first thing I recall is being outside by a house in a suburb talking to a woman. She motioned to a truck (hard work) parked (delay) by the curb in front of the house. I walked over and saw a dark haired man lying under the truck face up. He was awake and looking up at me. For some reason this seemed completely normal. Then a light rain began to fall and he just lay there in it seemingly lost in thought. I said to him, “I sometimes like the rain, too, especially when it is like this.” I walked back to the house.

Then, I was in a grocery store (searching for alternative paths/choices) but it looked like the inside of a house to me. I volunteered to make a type of brownie(pleasure, indulgence) that was half blonde and half chocolate (maybe good/bad, yin/yang). I went to get the ingredients and found myself in a section of a house. All the lights were off. When I went in I said aloud, “Oh, I forgot this was Vic’s.” The women there was not very nice and scoffed at me asking me not to call it that. I noticed she was very uptight and grumpy about it. I turned to her and told her how grateful I was that she bought the store and was tending to it. I hugged her tight and burst into tears. It woke me.

Flash dream memory – I had hairy armpits (nonconforming to society). The hair was dark and almost as long as a man’s would be. I hid it and looked around to see if anyone noticed. Then decided it didn’t matter anyway.

Dream: Oklahoma to New York

In this dream I was traveling by plane with my husband to New York. He told me we could stop off in Oklahoma (hard work brings reward) on the way. I saw a map of Texas and Oklahoma along with some specific destinations. Remembering it now, I know I had dreamed of this map before.

He dropped me at a school and told me he would be meeting a friend at a bar in NY (new path) and would come get me when he was done. There is brief memory of traveling in a boat (emotion) at this time.

I walked into a school gymnasium and sat on the bleachers with the others. They were all very young, like 13 or so, and I felt way too old to be there. None of the students seemed to notice, though, so I might have looked their age for all know.

The teachers was up in front teaching about a subject I do not remember now. We were being instructed on how to do something but all I recall now is taking this large, blue ball, and rolling it around under my hip area. The ball was one of those plastic, bouncy balls about one foot in diameter.

For some reason I decided to take off my skirt and underwear (private self) when I used this ball. There was a male student sitting to my right so I made sure he didn’t see. I had on a long enough shirt to cover myself.

As class was being dismissed the young man asked me a question about the next class. I quickly put my skirt and underwear back on as I answered him. My answer indicated the next class was about female anatomy and I told him, “We’ll talk about breasts. You probably won’t be interested…well maybe you will.” I said this smiling.

Outside I waited for my husband to return. I sat on a bench in the hallway and had in my lap a laptop (communication). I closed it and it began to play what sounded like a movie in Spanish. The other students around me looked and started to giggle. I opened it and turned it off saying, “I thought I turned it off.”

My husband arrived and said his friend cancelled and we could continue our trip. From there I ended up inside a house waiting for him yet again. There was this bar in the kitchen (spiritual nourishment) and a large, German Shepherd dog (protection). I had a sandwich (wholeness) and put it on the bar. The dog began to sniff it and I three soda at him to get him to leave it alone. It soaked half my sandwich and the floor. I cleaned it up and ate the meat out of the sandwich.

The woman who owned the house came home and I told her about the spill. She asked if I cleaned it up and I said I had.

Then I was outside watching my husband sitting on a pier with a fishing pole (seeking answers) in his hand. I watched him catch a tiny catfish (hidden truths, deception, disappointment). I was talking to another man as I watched. A boat was in the distance and it felt like I had traveled on it. I remembered the earlier part of the dream before going to the class. I had been on the boat! Then I saw my husband catch another small catfish and commented on it saying, “He keeps catching catfish!”

Dream: Man Boobs

I was at a construction site (transitional phase in life). Someone mentioned they were building a hotel (seeking better life). I saw a great hole (seeking self-understanding) in the earth and went up to one of the workers to ask if it was for a swimming pool (cleansing). The man I approached apologized as he tried to cover himself. He had very large breasts (nourishment, love, nurturing) that looked like those of a woman. I said, “Don’t worry. I’ve seen it all before.”

I turned to the hole in the ground. It was a narrow rectangle. I asked the man with the boobs if it was for a pool and he said it was. I spoke to a worker on the other side of the hole, asking, “Will it be fiberglass or concrete?” He said, “Fiberglass.” I noted the pieces on the sides of the hole and said, “Oh, that’s them then?” He nodded his head. I said, “Fiberglass won’t last as long. Maybe half as long.” He said, “Actually only 30%.” Note: I suspect this part of the dream indicates that whatever reprieve I am seeking will not be permanent.


When I woke this morning and other mornings this week, a particular song was going through my head:

“I’ll never be the same if we ever meet again” were the lyrics that kept going through my head. I haven’t heard this song since 2016 after I returned from Tennessee.

Another song followed this one and came later in the morning. The lyrics that I kept hearing, “If ever you’re in my arms again, this time I’ll hold you forever.”

Funny how both songs indicate what could happen, but only “if”.

The songs didn’t make me feel better. If anything I felt worse. I was wishing that I could go back to 2014 and erase every spiritual experience I had after that. All of it. Wipe it from my memory. I feel more dead now than I ever did before it all happened.

In fact, I went all the way back to 2003 when I made the decision to quit teaching and follow the spiritual path. What if I hadn’t done that? How would my life be different? Would it better? Would I be happier? If I had stayed at my teaching job, built my house  and lived for myself, maybe I could have avoided all of this. What if I had never awakened?

It seems to me that ignorance is bliss. Right now I long to be ignorant. I keep questioning my path and wondering about my “mission”. If I am here to shine my Light, I sure don’t feel like I am succeeding. In fact, this morning it sure felt like I am one of those who came to gather information and take it back with me when I die. This means all I am here to do is experience whatever I can. But I feel done with experiencing. Experience has sucked me dry. I don’t want any more please. I’ve had my fill, thank you.

Cleansing Dreams and June 13th Message

Experiencing the drowsiness upon waking again. I must need the sleep.

Dream: Penguins

The dream began with me standing on a beach. The water was clear like a swimming pool. The waves came in slowly and rhythmically.

Suddenly, a flock are very large, gray birds swooped in and landed in the water. They had with them their young and as I watched the birds all began to resemble penguins. I yelled to my son who was with me, “Look! They must prefer this water because it is so calm and clear!” I watched them for a while, fascinated.

Then my daughter came running from around the side of the water. She was yelling and waving her arms to tell me she was there. I immediately motioned for her to stop. I didn’t want her to scare away the penguins. She didn’t stop and the water began to foam and the waves crashed into the beach, all previous rhythm lost. The penguins remained but I could not longer see them clearly through the foamy water. Eventually they retreated too deep to see.

I entered the water to get a better look and ran into a young man who was wading through the water. He saw me and said, “I know you!” Then he lovingly grabbed me around the waist and tossed me very high into the air as if I was a tiny child. I could feel the sensation of falling back down.

Dream: It’s Okay to Cry

Then the scene shifted and I was walking into a bathroom (cleansing and renewal). An older man was with me. His hair almost completely gray but his face indicating he was much younger. He was smiling and I knew he was the man from the water. He said, “Have you met my family? This is…..” and he went on to introduce different members as he walked past me into the bathroom.

Then I was inside the bathroom heading toward a stall. It was locked and I asked loudly if they were always locked. Someone called out, “Just open one.” I approached a stall and as I reached to open it, it opened and a woman came out grumbling about not being able to poop because of some medicine she was taking.

As the woman walked past me I looked more closely. She was covered from head to toe in white towels (protection). Where her skin was exposed it was red and raw as if it had peeled off. For some reason I knew she had cancer. I stopped her to ask her if she needed a hug. She turned and looked at me and said she didn’t, that she was okay. I said, “Come on. Hugs are good.” She came close and was talking, making excuses for this or that and making little sense. I wrapped my arms around her and gently pulled her toward me, hugging her close. She kept talking about things I can’t recall now. I could feel the thick towels and worried I would hurt her raw skin but I kept hugging her saying, “It’s okay to cry.”

Eventually the woman began to relax and emotion was evident in her voice. I only recall that I kept encouraging her to cry and continued to hug her close to me. The more emotion I felt from her, the more emotion I exhibited. Eventually I was sobbing as I was saying, “It’s okay to cry.”

Another woman walked into the bathroom and interrupted us. The women wrapped in the towels thanked me and left. I turned back to the stall she had been in and entered it. Inside there was no toilet, just a small hole in the ground. Used toilet paper surrounded the hole and it was quite dirty.

The women who interrupted us was waiting for me as I exited the stall. She resembled someone I went to high school with who was very tall – 6ft. The woman spoke to me about the women wearing the towel. I can’t recall what we talked about but whatever it was sent me back to the moment I was hugging the women and I began to sob. The emotion and tears woke me up.

It took me a while to get myself together. The emotion felt cleansing so I allowed it. The whole dream sequence felt cleansing.

A song kept coming into my head. The lyrics, “Wait if I’m on fire, how am I so deep in love? When I dream of dying I never feel so loved.”


I slept for about 10 hours and when I woke I wanted to sleep 10 more. My body felt so relaxed and free from pain and I kept shifting in and out of the in-between.

I remember thinking about the part of the lyrics, “When I dream of dying…”, and thinking, “Funny, but I rarely dream of dying.” For some reason I kept thinking I might die soon but I was not concerned about it. It was just a passing thought that really didn’t feel to be mine.

There was a brief consideration about what would happen when I did. It seemed that my dreams would become my reality and there would be no more physical reality to interrupt them. I liked the idea and remember listing out all the things I hate about being in physical reality. I said, “It’s so heavy here. I hate feeling heavy all the time. I won’t miss that one bit. I hate having a body. I hate having to eat, to drink, to use the restroom.” Then I thought some more and said, “It’s not the body I hate really. I like this body. I just don’t like the survival part. I really hate surviving.”

I had a distinct feeling of what surviving feels like. It is a constant fear of the alternative – death – that is always there. Even when I am well-off, when I have all I could ever need, the feeling is still there, looming in the distance, reminding me that at any moment I could lose it all and be back in a position of scrambling to avoid death. And all the feelings that accompany the downward spiral toward death are feared – pain, despair, hopelessness, abandonment, hunger, starvation, cravings, and feelings I don’t even have words for – all the ways the body degrades as it heads toward inevitable death.

As I mull over all of this now, I wonder if I was being shown why I often ask for death when I am feeling tired and worn down by life. Death is an end to survival and to be free of survival and all that comes with it would be glorious.

June 13th

Though I haven’t written about this yet, I have had several dreams and incidents relating to this date. The first dream was on May 24th. In it I was with a man who I was dating in secret. We ended up at a ceremony inside a chapel where a huge bonfire was set. The dream ended with us playing a board game and saying our goodbyes. He left saying, “See you in three weeks.”

A week later or so I had another dream where I was having a conversation with my SIL. In it she said I had told her June 13th would be when something would happen. I can’t recall exactly what I told her. All I woke remembering was the date.

At work the next day I was thinking about the date. It felt familiar but I couldn’t figure out when I had heard it or why. As I sat at my desk I saw a flier I had been given a week prior. The date on it was June 13th. It is the date of a pool party being held for all the employees.

Still, it was odd and I couldn’t help but think of the message, “See you in three weeks.” The time frame matched up almost perfectly.

Then on Friday the same flier was sitting on my desk. I scanned over the date on it while in a bored state and read it silently to myself but rather than read what was actually there – “Thurs June 13” – I heard myself read, “Thumbs up.” At the time I was not fully aware of it happening until the “thumbs up” message seemed to repeat. Then I shocked back into present time and thought, “What?” and re-read the flier to make sure I was not seeing things.

So I guess I will see what happens on that day. Maybe nothing at all.


The above dream is the second dream I’ve had in a week about penguins and clear, relaxing water.

On the same day I had the dream about June 13th (the one with my SIL) I had a dream about miniature penguins.

I had a dream of going on a trip to an island full of tiny, black and white birds that reminded me of miniature penguins (problems are not as big as they seem, keep you cool). I was on a boat (emotion) looking down in the clear, aqua-blue water (clarity) as they swam in the wake. I put my hand in and touched one. I was fascinated. They were about six inches long.

On the island I took pictures of them. They were everywhere and I had one of those Kodak disposable cameras.

The penguin dream I had last night was of much larger penguins and their babies. Again, I was fascinated by them and my memory of the dream was as if everything slowed as I focused in on them.

Penguins are not creatures I normally see in my dreams. I can’t remember ever seeing them before. They symbolize change, adapting to change, expecting the unexpected and solving problems in unconventional ways. For more information about penguin symbolism check out this website.


Energy Reveals Trauma

The past week I have been sleeping very deeply and waking up in the mornings feeling as if I took a sleeping pill prior to bed. It has been very hard to get out of bed and my dreams have been difficult to remember. This morning, however, I did not feel overly tired upon waking and had some very memorable dream experiences.

Dream: School is Out

This dream is hard to recall now. I remember being inside a school. I was going to a classroom to help with the party. There were gifts for all the children lined up along the walls of the classroom. It felt like a mixture of the last day of school and the day before Christmas break.

The next thing I remember is standing outside with a couple of other people. I was with my partner who I think might have been in uniform, maybe a police (protection) uniform because it was blue. There was a woman and her partner with us. We were all smoking cigarettes (change needed). It felt like the woman and her partner were to be on our “team”, like part of a group. I was giving the woman advice. She had horrid anxiety attacks and I was telling her to use the tools in her toolbox like deep breathing and visualization. In my mind I could see how the tools, when used consistently, would lead to a lessening of the anxiety attacks. The woman eagerly listened to me and my advice, smiling and relaxing. In the end I put out my cigarette. The visual of putting it out and seeing the butt (end of a process) is very vivid.

Dream: Car Junkyard Spring

I was walking through a junkyard (repressed fear, anxiety) with my husband and one of our children. I could see old cars scattered here and there. The soil was light, like sand, and there was a deep pool of water (cleansing) that was springing forth from the ground. We got into the water. It was deep and cool. I believe it might have been muddy but that also could have been the color of the sand as seen through clear water.

While in the water I was looking at something my husband was working on that was sitting on the side of the pool of water. There was white paint (fresh outlook) that I took and painted the thing with. It might have been a boat but I don’t know now. It was about the size of a house cat. My husband came over and grabbed it, getting white paint all over himself. He was not happy about it and I told him I had painted it like he asked.

Then I was walking around looking at the place. There had been a lot of rain and the pools of water were quite high. I saw an older couple walking toward a section. They got in and disappeared from view. I noticed a large, hotel (period of transition) was built in the middle of the junkyard. It was yellow and tall and very few people were there. I wondered why they were not clearing out the junk and utilizing the spring.

I walked inside the hotel and it was practically empty. I walked past a laundry room (cleansing) and then an office. Inside was a lady at a desk. I asked her if she owned the place and had ever thought of buying up the land around her to make use of the spring. She seemed annoyed but explained that she used her part of the land and her family owned the rest. I told her about how the springs (unconscious mind, soul experiences) made me feel. I said they were “magnetic”, and “energetic” and “healing”. I told her, “If you ever are interested in allowing people to gather here to make use of this place, I would love to come.” Again, I emphasized just how wonderfully spiritual and healing the waters were. Something in my words triggered tears and I woke up sobbing.

I continued to cry after waking and had to get up to blow my nose. Somehow I was able to fall back to sleep.

Dream: Advice

I was standing in a shifty gray space. There was a car and some people. I overheard an argument. Someone was trying to keep a woman from doing something. I remember yelling, “STOP!” They did.

Still at the car scene and still not able to see well in the shifty environment, the man by the car began to converse with me. He was someone I knew and resembled the blonde guy on the show Supernatural. The discussion is hard to recall now but from what I recall we were discussing how he needed to get back to this woman he knew. He said that he had never felt such a strong connection with anyone, not even me. When I realized he said he had not felt a strong connection for me I said, “You did with me. You said you did.” He went on to describe this three-way love triangle type situation that involved himself, a woman and another man. They all felt the magnetic connection and bliss for and with each other. I remember seeing a photograph of them together, sitting on a sofa, entwined in each other’s embrace, faces revealing the bliss they were experiencing. I missed that feeling.

At some point I began to hear static, like a radio station, and music began playing very loudly in my ears. I felt as if I was wearing earbud and tried to adjust the volume. The scene shifted as I did this and I was walking into a brightly lit bedroom (private self). There was a large, queen sized bed in the center that was unmade (indecision). Toys littered the floor. The room was a mess.

I continued to talk to the man from before through the noise of the radio station blasting in my ears. I was asking him what his plans were. Was he going to go to NY?

As I waited for his response, a radio DJ’s voice was very loud in my ears and I remember being annoyed because it was keeping me from hearing the blonde man. I quickly made the bed (conclusion to issue) in the room, propped up a pillow and sat down, legs stretched out in front of me.

The blonde man answered me by telling me that I needed to go back to the introduction or beginning. He described it as the “easy” part, saying that one must get really good at the “easy” part before moving on to the next parts. In my mind I saw this large section of life. It was like a bubble, but thicker and bluish. I could see into it but there was nothing inside. Completely clear. This section was the “easy” part, the part that one must go through and get very good at before moving onto the next part. When I saw this and heard his words I understood completely and responded with, “Yeah, that makes sense.” At the time I was thinking how to be good at anything you must master it and that this introduction period, or easy period, is an opportunity to do that.

As I mulled over what I was told the radio station again got very loud. I turned it down and relaxed into the bed which began to moved back and forth ever so slightly as if I was laying on a raft in the water. I fell into the feeling and as I did a rush of ecstasy shot up from my root chakra into my lower chakras. It came in waves that were very intense and fast. As it rose I was hit with a mixture of pain and pleasure that ultimately woke me.

Energy Reveals Trauma

When the feelings subsided an energy lingered in my root and second chakras as well as in other places like along my spine between my shoulder blades and my third-eye and crown. A slight pain lingered in my second chakra area, it was achy like I was raw from having way too much sex. A song was going through my head – Why don’t you just meet me in the middle…

I decided to feel into the sensations of my body to see if they would tell me anything. The achy feeling stayed despite my feeling into it. I felt very tight and restricted on the inside, like the energy had forced its way into my second chakra and left it stretched and inflamed. The feeling seemed to be telling me that this sensation was the result of a physical assault, rape and trauma. Though the initial painful pleasure of the rising energy didn’t make me feel violated in any way, the after effects brought on a memory of being violated. My body’s response was to try and keep it from happening again. Energetically this would result in a restriction in flow in the second chakra.

The dream with the man and the strange love triangle may be a hint to the past trauma. The man I was talking to seems to have been someone I felt a magnetic attraction to. The feelings that I am able to contact from the dream were that he rejected me in some way and then denied our connection. There were hints of anger and betrayal but also upset over the fact that he was more interested in another and seemed to not even remember or even acknowledge what we had together. Finally, there was a sense of being invisible to him.

As I lingered in the in-between another song came to mind. I heard distinctly, “listen to your heart.”


Opening to the Flow

Almost two weeks ago I started an online subscription to Kundalini Yoga. The main reason I was drawn to it was because I felt guided to it in order to help resolve the sluggish energy of my lower chakras.

The site I go to is for Guru Rattana called Overall I like her energy and the classes, though long, are topic driven which allows me to choose areas to focus on. I have been focusing on the heart, the lower charkas and the feminine as well as the elements of water and earth.

If you want to try out some of Guru Rattana’s classes, you can sign up for a subscription that gives you 48 hours to preview the content. If you decide to do this, I suggest these classes:

Air element – Set Yourself Free.

Earth element – Awakening our Heart Center.

Water element – The Urge to Merge (Sa Ta Na Ma meditation at the end), Connecting to our Feminine Polarity, and The Flowing Force.

Meeting Life’s Challenges – Heart Opening 1 & 2, and From Fear to Love

Looking above at all the classes I think, “I’ve been busy.” LOL Yes, I have. Notice I didn’t include any fire element. I haven’t done any of those classes. I figure I have plenty of fire already. Probably better to hang out in the water element section. 😉

My least favorite part of the class are the kriyas and my favorite part is the meditation. My favorite mediation thus far is called Sa Ta Na Ma. I noticed significant energetic shifts when I did this meditation. My favorite kriya thus far was for the lower chakras but I cannot recall the name now. It is mainly sitting upright in easy pose, breathing in as you bend your spine forward slightly and then breathing out forcefully as you sit up straight again. Breathe of fire continues to be my favorite breathing/pranayama exercise, though the cooling breath is another I found helpful.

After over a week of Kundalini yoga I have noticed a significant decrease in anxiety levels and less intestinal issues (IBS specifically). My mind is clearer and quieter overall and my sleep is deeper and more restful.


A Tool for Anxiety

An anxiety incident occurred about two days into my practice. I was driving to work and began to have an anxiety attack as I waited at a stop light. At the time I noticed a billboard that said, “Relax” and so relaxed and took deep breaths. I also began to move my lower body as if dancing as I sat in my car. The movement helps to release stuck energy. As I moved the symptoms noticeably diminished to the point of a very low level nervousness.

I have driven many times since and have found that if I feel into my body, listen to it and breath deeply that I can stave off the beginnings of the anxiety and keep an attack from happening.

Feminine Flow

I have been focusing on learning how to tune into my feminine side more. This means focusing on feeling the body, the energy of the body, and just flowing with the feeling rather than trying to figure out what a feeling means. I have to shut off the mind and just be fluid.

A week into my practice and I wasn’t sure if I had really accomplished much in the way of feeling and flowing. However, it was soon proven that I had.

A few nights ago I had a breakthrough in this area. As I was doing my nightly tuning-in I felt drawn to visualize the masculine form. I saw a beautiful, swirling aura of blue, purple and pink and was invited to feel into it like I feel into my own flow. When I did this I experienced a merging with this male energy and my heart exploded in a warm, deep energy that then shot into my lower chakras. I was able to feel the masculine’s desire for me as if my own. Also, it was as if this male energy’s awareness became my own and was all around me and within me. The feeling of the connection was deeper and more solid than I have ever felt. I kept feeling into it and the more I did this the more I felt as if I would cease to exist and become this energy. Therefore I eventually shifted into my mind and lost the connection. I could return to it and did so several times but the depth was just too much and not something I have ever experienced before.

I was so excited after this experience that I couldn’t return to sleep for over 3 hours afterward. It was amazing to me just how easy it was to turn the switch from the masculine, mental space to the feminine, flowing space. I liken it to shifting OOB. The sensation is similar in many ways. It is almost like I “blink” and then enter the new space.

Since this experience I have been paying more attention to my physical body and emotions, shifting into my feminine flow whenever I feel “off” in any way. When I feel energy stronger in one area than another, I feel into it, go deeper and allow the energy to show me why it is there. Usually it is enough to simply acknowledging the energy/emotion/physical sensation that is present.

The issue with my anxiety attacks is that my mind runs rampant and creates stuck energy by fixating on the areas that feel off. Mental focus sticks the energy there, almost like a taser beam holding it in place. Stuck energy intensifies, creating more discomfort or symptoms until it can be released. Feeling into the energy, however, allows it to move as it is meant to so that it can be fully expressed.

I have been practicing going into the flow around my family as well. It has allowed me to be more in tune with what my body wants in regards to intimacy, acceptance, compassion, love and freedom. Instead of judging what I feel, I go deeper into it. This reveals truth where perhaps before there was suppression, judgement and self-criticism brought about by patterns, beliefs and resistances perpetuated by the mind in response to a disconnect with the emotional body.

If you decide to try this, please share your experiences. If you have already done Kundalini Yoga or practice it regularly, I would love to hear about your experiences, realization, wins, etc.