Updates and Dreams

Just some updates on the mundane aspects of my life. Nothing too exciting but in my Blogger blog I have been writing quite a bit more on such topics than here on WP. If you haven’t been reading that blog then you may not be aware of some of what I am about to update.

I am halfway through my NASM course and finding it harder and harder to stay interested. The course pace is slow compared to how quickly I work on my own and that is the main reason for my loss in interest. Not much else to say about this topic.

I have been struggling for almost two months now with horrible hormonal acne around both sides of my mouth. The antibiotics I was prescribed worked but then began to run out prior to getting another prescription. So the spots started recurring and I am having to go through the whole process of healing again.

When I say “horrible” compared to others struggling with acne it is really not that bad, but to me it is horrible because it is worse then the acne I had as a teenager. When I was a teenager I use to cry about my complexion and had some bad experiences with mean girls in high school picking on me for the one or two spots I would get around my monthly cycle. So having these kinds of breakouts at my current age is a miserable experience for me. I just want to feel on the outside as beautiful as I feel on the inside. I believe it is a life lesson on vanity and I am making progress. So even though I still get upset by the way my face looks I am able to suck it up and just take a deep breath and move on. I just remind myself that it is temporary, no one notices but me and no one cares really. Besides, when I look back on memories of my life I can’t recall what my complexion was like in any memory. So if I don’t recall it even if at the time it was upsetting then it is not a big deal in the big scheme of things.

Regardless, I don’t want to look like a teenager with skin issues and though it is not a consistent issue for me it is enough that I am FED UP. My dermatologist has been trying to get me back on birth control from the get-go because the location of the breakouts suggests it is all hormonal. I do not disagree but I got nasty migraines from BC in 2011 so stopped taking them and swore I wouldn’t take them again. Plus, with my tubes tied I don’t need to take them now. I have tried all kinds of natural remedies with some success but even those are not working now. I have run out of options and it comes down to the question of which is worse, taking antibiotics for months at a time or taking BC? Honestly, I think the antibiotics are the worse of the two evils. So I will be starting BC this week and keeping my fingers crossed that I do not suffer from the migraines I got in 2011. If I do get migraines I can’t take the BC and have to go back to the drawing board.

On top of the skin issues I cracked my one and only crown last weekend and so am headed in today to get it looked at. It doesn’t hurt but it was scary when it happened because I heard it crack. I’ve since had visions of my teeth cracking and falling out. Not a fun thing to imagine! I got the crown prior to getting braces and have had no issues but I suspect that it was cracked over the four days I had no braces and no retainer. I likely clenched or ground my teeth in my sleep and fractured it then so when I flossed it finished the job. I hate the dentist and am already anxious about having them drilled off the old crown and set the new one. I am also scared they will find several other cracked teeth and that I will need more crowns. If that is the case I wish they would just knock me out for the procedures rather than me sit there tense for over an hour. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Add to all of the above a sore throat and it is no fun being me right now. It is not a bad sore throat but it is bothersome and the first sign of illness since June.

I’ve been having the urge to cut off all my hair again, too. Not sure why but I did cut it all off in 2014 and it was a relief not to have to do anything with my hair. I didn’t look bad either but I did look older. My hair is super thick and unruly and a pain to keep up with even when long. It grows fast and is an ugly color (IMO) and so the upkeep can be expensive and a PIA. When it is short I still have to cut it frequently but that is it and all I have to do when I wake up is put my fingers through it and go about my day. It is SO tempting to just chop it all off. I may just settled on cutting some bangs, though, because my daughter would cry if I cut it again. lol

As for my diet and exercise goals not much to talk about. Monday I woke knowing I needed to take a break from all running and weight training so that is what I am doing. Interesting it was yesterday evening when the sore throat began. It is not good to overdo it when sick so it works out well. I have been extra tired, depressed, unmotivated and not having any wins so it is likely I have overdone it anyway. My last run of 6.25 miles was a struggle and should not have been. In fact, most of my runs over the last couple of weeks have been slower and more tiring than usual. All of this points to REST. So be it.

Monty is doing okay but my youngest has it out for him and I have to watch him like a hawk. This morning he dumped the entire box of treats for Monty to eat and I had to work fast to avoid a sick puppy. Monty is still not potty trained either. I blame that on so many people being involved, a toddler who is constantly letting him into the living area and house and very little help from anyone but my daughter. He is 10 weeks old today and there is still time but I am losing hope and thinking he may end up an outside dog. ūüė¶

elekmonty

Monty sleeping in Elek’s car seat with Elek.¬†

Spiritual Update

Not much to talk about here really. Most of my guidance is via my dreams or a silent Knowing. The message has been to focus on healing and request assistance. So I have been asking for assistance prior to bed and I believe it is helping.

Prior to bed last night I asked for assistance and healing. I specifically requested that I lucid dream and go OOB more frequently, experience more instances of Divine Love and friendship, have more Kundalini bliss or other spiritual interesting experiences. We’ll see what, if anything, comes from my request.

Dream: 44

In this dream I was having a discussion with a man who I called, “David”. In the dream I kept thinking of him as an ex-boyfriend by that same name only he preferred to be called “Dave”. Our discussion was about “retirement” (transition, end of stage, need to retire something) but I can only recall snippets of what was said. I remember saying that I felt to retire at so young an age would be looked down upon by others and was worried of being criticized. He said to me, “You can retire at any age.” The specific career path we were discussing was teaching/education.

When we were having this discussion I saw the number 44 floating in the air as it was mentioned. I remember thinking it was David’s age, yet a part of me was certain this was incorrect. Ultimately, this inner-disagreement over his age is what woke me up.

When I woke up I was still thinking of my ex and how there was no way he was 44 years old because when we were dating I was 29 and he was 36. That would mean he would be 48 years old now, not 44.

I lingered in bed suddenly remembering the entirety of the time I dated Dave – probably around 3 months. He was the only Scorpio I ever dated and one of the few men I met via a free online dating service. I met him right before I moved to Austin and got a job, toward the end of a nasty depression/low-point in my life while I was briefly living with my mom.

It was amazing to me just how much I recalled and I assume now the dream was meant to direct me to inspect that time in my life. Upon inspection I realized that I knew early on in my relationship with him that it would lead nowhere but I stayed because I didn’t want to be alone. When he broke up with me (yep him with me) I got furious and vindictive, which is very unlike me. In retrospect I realized I was angry at myself for not following my instincts and being “weak”. I was also angry at the universe for the obvious message that I was meant to be alone/independent at that time in my life.

Dream: Memory Spheres

In this dream I walked into a classroom to observe. This classroom was not inside a building but on the edge of a beautiful mountain yet there was a sense that it had walls that could not be seen – like an invisible boundary.

I went up to a desk near the teacher’s desk and sat down. A little black girl, hair all braided and neat, came and looked at me oddly. I asked her, “Is this your desk?” She nodded that it was. I told her it was the best desk in the room because from it one could see the entire classroom. She disagreed for she felt the desk to be her “punishment”.

There is dream memory loss here but eventually I was sitting facing up the mountain next to the girl and a male friend of hers. She was upset over feeling taken advantage of and used. This caused her to be very angry and defensive with people leading to problems in her life. I began to counsel her on how to handle her emotions. I showed her how to take her memories and push them out of her, form them into a sphere and then project all the emotions that went with the memories into the sphere. I formed a sphere for her and pushed it in her direction. I said, “Now you can make it any color you want. Then put all the emotion into it.” She struggled, saying, “I can’t” because there was so much memory and so much emotion. I suggested she section off the memories. I remember explaining to another person that this little girl was struggling with memories from lifetimes of being a slave. She objected to this at first because she presently was not a slave but then reconsidered as it became clear that “slavery” can be defined in more than one way.

The spheres we were working with were very vivid, the energy within them very much “alive” and the emotion placed within them tangible. When I tried to create my own energy sphere in the dream I could not, though. I assume it is because I had the same issues as the little girl – too much memory and emotion for just one sphere to contain. Yet I understood that once free of the emotion I could view the memories “objectively” and ultimately learn the lessons they were meant to teach.

I also had memory of learning to create spheres of energy. Long ago I had a dream/OBE in which I was creating energy spheres. It seems this dream was a continuation of that.

Dream: Fun Run

I was walking outside the gym of a school when someone told me there was to be a “fun run” and asked if I was going to join. I said I would and then began talking with the students, most of the male. We mostly spoke of music and I remember holding a large, computer-like screen in my hand while listening to various tracks. One guy was listening in and showed interest in a particular song. I remember liking it but noting it was too slow – 137bpm. I changed the music to something faster. The student then asked me if I was going to take the large screen on my run and I told him I had Bluetooth headphones.

As we were preparing to start the run (pursuit of one’s goals) we went inside the gym (application of lessons learned) and somehow I ended up on a large ship (need to release emotion) and nearly fell off. It was odd to me that there was a ship inside the gym but I accepted it as normal.

As we began to run we encountered various wild animals that were threatening. I remember seeing all kinds but not being deterred by them. Someone said to me as they ran past, “The animals are illusions meant to slow you down. Don’t let them.”

I topped a hill that morphed into the top of a very steep cliff (at critical moment in life, considering life-altering decision) that fell straight down. By this time I felt to be flying more than running. I saw many animals in my path all coming for me with great speed. One in particular was a large cougar/mountain lion (anger, aggression, raw emotion). It was huge and snarling but I just stepped on it’s head as I floated over it. It did not disappear like an illusion should but I had no fear.

I remember checking my watch and noting that I had run 3.5 miles and had yet to complete the “Fun Run”.

Last Night

Last night I had a lucid dream sometime in the early morning. I lost memory of most of it now but I had been flying and smoking pot. lol There was a mountain scene that materialized out of nowhere with a message about physicality but I only remember now that it had to do with being aware of how one’s thoughts affect the present moment.

The most vivid dream memory I have this morning was of being in a classroom full of kids. Two girls from high school were talking about another classmate’s children and I asked a question about how many kids he had. They both looked at me rudely without talking and I felt their judgement strongly just as I had felt it in high school. Later, another classmate came in and started giving me orders, telling me I was to watch the kids in the class. I told her it was not my assignment and refused to do it, walking out of the room mumbling how I had not gotten sleep for three nights in a row from being woken at 4am every night. I went to the lounge to get a much needed cup of coffee and a woman introduced me to a man and said I was to work with him on donations. I got furious because no one had asked me and I had never agreed to doing any of it. I began to tell her that I was done with school, that I had already graduated and did not need to be there anyway. I knew when I was saying this that graduation was three weeks away but I didn’t care.

 

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Returning to the Tried and True

A decision has been made. Perhaps this is the “transformation” that has been awaiting me, perhaps not. If it is, then it is definitely not what I expected, but then that is what I expected, if that makes any sense.

The decision is that I am steering away from my present path and shifting back to the path I was following prior to the summer of 2014. With this decision comes many endings. I’m ending posts in this blog and my companion blog – A Walk-In Life. I am diverting my attention from my FB pages associated with these two blogs as well. My Dayna Stone FB will remain active but I plan to associate more with my other FB page which is under my legal name. I am going to revert back to posting in my Blogger blog, Living Life In-Between, since it was the blog associated with my previous path.

If you did not follow my previous blog then you may not understand what my “previous path” was. I will not go into detail here except to say you should read it to find out. It is long, three years of posts, many of which were related to my own inner struggle, questioning and family-related issues. In ascension terms, it was more 3D related and “mundane” issues such as career and family. However, it was also spiritual in it’s own right. In fact, in reading over the posts from that blog, it indicates a much more balanced path than the one I have been on since 2014.

Why would I return to this “path”? The returning post in my Blogger blog explains but basically I am choosing the tried and true path versus the not so tried and true one (also known as the “ascension path”). My “old” path was reliable, workable and the results consistent. There was no “on-again, off-again” certainty/Knowing. It had (has) proven results, and not just for me but for thousands (millions?) of others. I have no doubt whatsoever that returning to this path will provide the healing and understanding I need so desperately now. It will also bring balance back into my life. Physical and Spiritual will come into balance effortlessly, focus will be on what it should be – living this life.

How did I come to this conclusion? No, I didn’t have a profound Knowing or intensely prophetic dreams. Heck, I can’t even remember my dreams right now! No, I just woke up and knew what to do and before I knew it I was telling my husband and writing in my old blog. Honestly, I’m just tired of the roller-coaster ride. I looked at my current life and things are still not what I want them to be after three years of “work”; nothing has changed really. Though it feels like I’ve changed inside by leaps and bounds it isn’t manifesting in my life. If things are not shifting in my life, if things on the outside remain the same, then the real change has yet to occur. It is only when how we feel on the inside matches our lives (inner reality matches our outer reality) that real transformation has occurred. The path I’ve been on has served it’s purpose. I have gone as far as I can.

What will this new old path look like now that I have returned to it? Will I have dreams, OBEs, profound Knowing? Probably, but who knows? I don’t care one way or the other. To me those experiences, though amazing and fun, are a big part of the distraction and booby traps I have run into. The path I am returning to focuses on the individual creating their reality, not looking to spiritual guides, dreams or profound experiences to show them their path. I do think all of the above has it’s place, but I won’t be looking for answers via those avenues anymore. I am going to take my power back.

Honestly, right now, I have come to the conclusion that the “ascension path” is a booby trap in and of itself. Kundalini is a force to be reckoned with and not something one should haphazardly navigate through via human Ego as their only map. BAD IDEA. I look back on these past years and see just how unprepared I was to handle everything I experienced. Had I stayed on the path I was on and not veered off it I have no doubt I would have handled all of it so much better and come out the other end ten times more advanced than I am now. My mistake. A lesson learned – again.

 

 

 

 

Dream Message: Healing Old Wounds

I was asked by my guidance to set an intention for this full moon. So I did. I slept very deep but still had some vivid dreams which I believe were to help me understand why the intention I set could not be fulfilled at this time.

Dream: Missed Connection

I was traveling with a group in California. The dream is not very clear at the beginning except for the feeling of traveling in a car for long distances. I remember having a very strong connection to a man but while on the trip I completely forgot to connect with him as I intended. I was so caught up in my travels with my group that I didn’t check to see if he had left me a message. On the final days of the trip I saw he had contacted me asking when and where we could meet. Though I was sad for forgetting, I did not concern myself with missing the connection. In the dream he appeared as a man I had dated in the past, a lesson long ago learned. I did communicate with him that I had forgotten and could not meet him, though. Somehow I knew the trip was only a week long and in my memory of it the week passed so quickly it was as if only a day had passed. As I traveled home with my group,¬†I felt sad for missing the connection and upset at the complete lack of desire in me. It felt as if desire would never be there again, not just for him but for anyone. The loss of desire made me feel empty. How could I continue in this life without the component of desire? Nothing I did would feel purposeful without it. Living without desire is like living without Life.

Interpretation

When I awoke from this dream it was as if I was still in the midst of it, my thoughts going to the empty feeling. It felt as if all I had worked for and all the progress I made was null and void. Like I had gone back to the beginning, back to feeling no desire whatsoever and having no motivation toward reviving it. My thoughts went back to 2010-2015 and how I was completely blocked sexually, my body did not respond as it should and there was no pleasure in sex or any desire to be found anywhere in me. I felt truly dead. I prayed back then to recover what I had lost and it was granted only to be stolen from me once again. Why would I be given such a gift only to have it taken from me? It felt like this issue would not be resolved in this lifetime.

Dream: Wounded Buffalo

I was traveling with a man, a guide, flying over fields in California. As we traveled we discussed the past and how it impacts the future. How if man misuses the land, the land has to recover and this can take time. We landed by a fence and I heard a man talking¬†to me about his¬†childhood and how he¬†use to wander from field to field playing. I saw this small, wooden gate nearly broken off its hinges and knew this was a path this man had taken as a child. I knew that the man had lived long ago and had experienced a war in his youth. Then I saw a sign on the fence that said, “Missing wounded buffalo.” The man said they had been butchering it and it got away and so needed to be found.

Then I was watching¬†an animal hanging up in the middle of the room. It was still alive and it’s intestines were coming out of a hole in it’s side. There was discussion about it and that is when I realized the animal was a male lion. The lion was wounded and needed to be healed. There was a group of individuals dressed in white in attendance. They were¬†standing around the wounded animal in a circle, arms spread in a Y over their heads.¬†The group was setting an intention. The way I remember it the intention of the group¬†was a shared consciousness between them all (I was an observer) and they were calling for the white buffalo spirit to descend from above and take the lion and make him whole. As the observer it was a strange experience to watch them “call” to some unseen force above. I could feel the intent of the group, it was like a huge energy expanding up and out. Then, from above, I felt an energy descend and the lion began to levitate. As it did, it transformed from a lion into a buffalo. It was carried away by the energy force, its brown fur transforming into white.

lion_5-t2

Interpretation

This dream seems to be a lesson via my guidance about healing and how it works. It is not something that can be rushed. The lion clearly represents me (a Leo) and maybe even the full moon energy in Leo now. The wound in the lion’s side is my wound. It is significant and must be healed. I understood in the dream that this wound was recently reopened and so must be addressed because of the potential for it to fester and bring about decline. A wounded buffalo indicates there has been a loss of power and strength, my desire to survive in this world draining away. Similarly, a lion represents power and courage. I could feel my solar plexus very distinctly in the dream and upon waking. I am being attended to by my guides whose combined intention (along with my own) is working to heal this wound. The white buffalo, a sacred animal, brings with it hope and the promise of prosperity. It was as if I was being touched by the Divine.

When I woke from this dream the feeling was that I am in the midst of some intense healing that cannot be rushed.

Dream: Packing up My Classroom

Returning from time off, I stood at the door to my classroom and looked inside. There understanding was that I had been out on leave for some time and now needed to return, pack up my things, and leave. I would no longer need the classroom.

Inside, the classroom walls were covered in Halloween decorations. I could see pumpkins and jack-o-lanterns dotting the walls. There was an inner discussion about Christmas decorations. Where were they? I understood, then, that I had been gone over Christmas, missing the holiday altogether.

I began to take all the decorations down, which was a quick job. Then I went over to a desk where a child, the child of the new teacher, was taking oil paints and putting dabs of different color on wax paper. I accidentally put my elbow in one of the dots of paint and the girl’s mother, the teacher who would be taking over my classroom, reprimanded her. It was only then that I saw the new teacher sitting at the desk. She looked a lot like me. I told the child it was okay because my sweatshirt was old and it didn’t matter. I remember being sad at first that my favorite sweatshirt would be ruined by the paint and then quickly letting it go, realizing nothing remains the same and all things come to an end. There was complete acceptance of this realization. I was quite happy wearing a worn and tattered sweatshirt with paint on it. The shirt represented a time in my life that was over but the memories remained.

Interpretation

This dream made little sense to me when I awoke but in writing it I can see clearly. The classroom is my domain – I control it as the teacher and direct what goes on in it. Yet, I have been absent since October. I see that month as significant because that is when a major transformation occurred for me, one that is only now coming to an end (I think). The classroom was frozen in time when I returned to it and I was passing it onto another teacher, the “new” me. I believe this dream was from the perspective of the “old” me and her realization that memories are forever but physical attachments fade away and come to an end.

Preparation in Dreams: Time to Act

I slept 10 hours last night. This comes after a week of very light sleep averaging 6 hours a night. It appears I am shifting back to the deep, heavy, healing sleep of integration and preparation.

When I woke at 6am I felt sad and emotionally empty inside. It literally felt like someone came in with a spoon and scooped out everything inside. Hollow and echoing back at me the emptiness. I was extremely tired and the only thing I recall thinking was that I felt like I did during my Dark Night of the Soul.

Dream: Taking Tests

Surprisingly, I fell back to sleep. I entered into a dream where I was sitting at a student desk taking a test. All I saw wast he test in front of me. It was laid out like a typical test but I am not sure what the subject was. I suspect math because I remember writing down a decimal that never ended – something like .81258…… I just remember there were 8’s in it. It was the square root of a number but I don’t know what number. The number 33 was also prominent as was the Pi symbol.

I turned in the test thinking I didn’t care if I passed it or not. In my mind I was considering my grade and figured I would get a 75%, which was totally fine with me. This is surprising because in school nothing less than a 90% was acceptable. Perfectionist. Somewhere in college I got over this expectation and accepted B’s, but C’s would still upset me.

The teacher asked me if I finished the entire test and asked me to check my answers. I returned to my seat and flipped through my test. It was several pages long and I realized I had not completed the pages in the middle. So I turned it over and started from the beginning, noting there were reading passages throughout it. It didn’t look like a math test at all!

The first page was almost entirely instructions. At the very bottom was a fill-in-the-blank section without a word bank. I remember feeling discouraged here. No word bank? lol I decided to just guess and hope for the best. I remember writing in the word, “Balance”. This test felt like a science test at first but as I was reading through the questions it resembled a psychology test.

Dream: Adjusting Time

The dream shifted and I was inside a house with other people. The microwave clock was blinking and the time needed to be set. I went up to it and began to try and set the time but it was difficult and I kept having to start over. A man was there with me trying to help but I insisted on doing it myself, snapping at him to let me do it. I was very frustrated. The time I was trying to set the clock to was 3:44pm. Eventually I allowed the man to tell me how to set the clock and I was able to set the hour but then he took over and set the wrong time. It got set at 3:52. By this time I was apathetic about the whole thing and just accepted the time but I said to him, “Now the clock will be fast and everyone will be early.”

Dream:  Mental Hospital

The scene shifted and I was an officer of some kind. ¬†A new person had just been brought in. It won’t say inmate here but that was the feeling. However, it appeared more like a mental hospital than a prison setting. The young woman had blonde hair and was dressed in a white hospital gown. She sat in front of me staring at the floor. My job was to help her. I had a very thick manual in front of me that I began to read through. The girl asked me a question about what would happen. I jokingly told her to expect a strip search and her face showed her horror. I reassured her there would be no such thing and instructed her to read her portion, an introduction of sorts describing what was wrong with her and why she was there. The manual was color coded and I was reading the green print but can’t remember what was written. I flipped through it and saw it was hundreds of pages long.¬†The manual was¬†a psychology manual for treatment of this woman’s specific condition.

resting-golden-retriever

Dream: New Dog

Somehow the dream brought me to a scene in which I was watching a golden retriever dog and listening to a man talk about taking the dog for a walk. The feeling here was that the dog was young and had lots of energy so needed frequent walks. I was given a short leash that was red and looked like a hoop with a clasp on the end. I remembered my dog Trooper at this time and told the man that I would need a longer leash if this dog was anything like mine was. I saw my dog’s blue leash hanging on the wall and pointed to it, telling the man it would be much better. He gave me the leash and I attached it to the dog’s collar. The dog had two, thick silver chain links on his collar and I clasped Trooper’s leash to the last link. When I did this I was overcome with memories of my dog and the runs we went on. I knew this new dog was going to run as fast or faster than my dog did and to expect to be dragged behind him for the first part of the “walk”.

The memories of my dog were too much and I began to sob uncontrollably in the dream which woke me up immediately. When I woke up I could not stop crying. It was not over sadness or missing my dog, though, it was about the message behind the dream. It took me almost 15 minutes to recover.

Confronting the Inevitable 

It became very clear to me that I was not grieving my beloved pet at this time. There was a message that was being repeated over and over. The message came as an analogy to the situation which led to my dog’s death.

I was told a year in advance that my dog would be leaving me. I ignored the message or maybe just forgot it or lost track of time.

I was warned in advance that this was coming, too.

The signs that he was deteriorating were numerous and I chose to ignore them. A week prior to his death I had chosen to not take him to the vet. I was in denial and didn’t want the vet to confirm what I knew was happening. He was dying.

Similarly, the signs have been there that “death” is coming whether I want it to or not. Many times I could have done something¬†about it¬†and I didn’t.

The day of his death I was in a panic and unable to think. He was suffering and I didn’t want to do what had to be done. It was awful. I was alone and my husband refused to come help me. I had to do it on my own and I didn’t want to.

I don’t want to do this, either. I am unable to make a decision but only I can make this decision. No one will do it for me.

When the vet told me he was dying and asked if I wanted to euthanize him, I agreed but I could not be in the room when it happened. I broke down in tears in the vet’s office and was a mess after that. I have never grieved over anyone like I did that dog.¬†

I suspect when the time comes that I will not want to be present to witness the end.

So as I was dealing with a similar, heavy grief this morning the connection hit home. I am being asked to do something similar in my life. To stop avoiding what I know needs to be done. To look at the signs which are right in my face.

One of the biggest regrets I have about those last days of my dog’s life are of letting him suffer. I was too selfish to do what needed to be done, to end his misery. Instead, I prolonged it. That is what apparently I am doing to myself right now. Prolonging the misery by not taking action and¬†doing what needs to be done.

I am left now with this sense of being utterly and unbearably alone. I feel like I am dead already. I feel like what awaits me is another Dark Night of the Soul. I can’t do that again. I won’t follow bread crumbs to a dead end again even if the bread crumbs are really cookie crumbs. The disappointment would be too much for me. I am TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!

And I really miss my dog Trooper right now.

Image source– Infinity, pi and square root all represent the continuous existence of thought.

 

 

 

 

 

Intensive Healing and Monad Message

So last night was once again a vivid dream night, though no lucid dreams. There were several significant dreams and messages.

Intensive Healing Session

In this dream I had selected a woman to give me healing. She offered it free of charge. I was in a bedroom that reminded me of a hotel. There was low light, a bed, and a bathroom. The woman came in and told me that I needed healing in certain areas. I don’t recall all of them, but I do remember the pelvic region was heavily focused on by the healer. What was odd is that we were both completely naked. There was nothing sexual here, though. I recall watching her and thinking she was beautiful despite her body being slightly flawed (based on American standards of female beauty that is). I do remember her having dark hair and I believe her name was Linda. I believe she is a guide I’ve spent time with in the past.

At one point, we faced each other. We both opened up our legs completely forming a V, then touching our toes together which formed a diamond shape. When this happened, I don’t recall the healing itself as I was transported to a large, dark pool or lake. I could see through the water, though, so the water was clear. I was just swimming in it in the dark I guess. I was under the water at first and panicked, struggling for air. I did not realize I was asleep (non-lucid dream). I could see the surface of the water about a 2 feet over my head but I couldn’t get to it. I remember feeling like my lungs would burst. At some point, though, when they didn’t burst, I must have recognized the pointlessness of my struggle because I looked down below me. Hundreds of feet below me were several people waiting in the depths. They were looking up at me and encouraging. I stopped thinking about getting out of the water. Instead, I decided I needed to go to these people. I swam down to meet them and the scene goes dark.

Then I was laying flat on my back on the bed. The woman healer was over me and explained that I needed to take it easy for some time. I needed to make sure I didn’t overdo it. I got up immediately and began talking about things I needed to do. She gave me this look like, “See, you will overdo it.” I couldn’t just lay there! She explained that all my layers had been realigned and that I needed to wait until they were “set”. It was as if they were still in process of alignment. I saw the layers in front of me like a visual being presented to me. It looked like my aura but it was like a rainbow of blues – indigo, violet, blue, navy, etc. The woman again stressed the importance of rest.

Messages

When I woke up this morning there was remnants of several other dreams, but there is no reason to go into detail on them. I was feeling very hopeless and apathetic again. It is the impatience I have. Things aren’t moving fast enough. It is like I’m in slow motion and life, this drudgery, jut keeps going and going with no end in sight.

I was told at some point (can’t remember when, it all blurs into one memory) about my Soul Family. The word monad kept being brought up. The word moab came up alongside the concept of monads. Anyway, there was a knowing that 12 composed the monad and that these 12 were somehow coalescing now, into One. There was confusion here because it appeared that my 12 guides were also the 12 members of my monad. ¬†Yet with this it also felt as if these 12 were all in physical bodies at this time (but perhaps linear times needs to be thrown out here?). I didn’t quite understand it but in my dreams I was trying to make sense of it because I was explaining it to a woman alongside the I-Ching. When I woke up this message was reiterated.

There was memory of the number 5 appearing and reappearing in my dreams. This number is about healing and well-being.

In another dream there were two individuals with over sized ears. The ears were as large as a hand. The two individuals were mother and daughter. The daughter had just auditioned for the Voice and won a place on the show. My interpretation is that I need to listen, or be acutely aware of something being said to me by my guidance. The Voice may represent my own voice and expression.

I had many flashes of messages as I was in the in-between, also. I saw very clearly my physical counterpart’s name but the first letter was very large. I also saw an entire passage about Walk-In’s, though I was unable to read it. The word “Walk-In” was prominent, though. Both of these came one after the other and were placed as if a billboard in my mind. I heard very audibly my name, but it was like a calm whisper. It was a reminder be patient and Trust.

In my curiosity and need to understand the message about my monad, I came across this article. Though I am not yet finished reading it, I already find it highly resonate of what I have been previously told by my Team.

Determined to See This Through

The heart fire is coming and going and bringing with it all kinds of emotions. I am grateful for it’s return because I feel more alive when it is present despite the inner conflict that arises within me.

Yesterday, about mid-afternoon, I went into grief for no apparent reason. Thankfully, I am able to observe these releases and with this one it was easy to see that my grief stemmed from my inability to act on the divine love I have for my counterpart. I almost laughed out loud because it felt like what I would expect a horrible breakup would feel like. Since I have not experienced feelings¬†of such magnitude I can only speculate that “breakup” grief is what it resembles.

In an attempt to understand my grief and this amazing connection I have been blessed with, I asked for help. I was led to read WP, checking Reader for new posts. I stumbled upon this post. The synchronicities blew me away and I began to wonder about one of my recent dreams. I reread that dream and connections were made.

My dreams have been pointing me in the direction of healing for as long as I can remember. How blind I have been! The emotional release accompanying this realization confirmed I was on the right track.

Then I was led to read another of my past posts. The synchronisities screamed at me. I had not noticed them when the post was written but now, now they are so obvious! This part especially hit home:

As we left for the evening, I had to leave behind my new friends and rejoin my family.¬†I felt torn and there was agony in my decision. I walked toward my ‚Äúold‚ÄĚ family carrying a large trailer behind me. It was as if I were the car and it (a huge trailer) was hitched to me. As I walked along the road, I encountered masses of people walking toward me ‚Äď the wrong way. They were drunk and dazed and I remember thinking, ‚ÄúThey don‚Äôt see me‚ÄĚ.

The entire walk home one of my new friends accompanied me. He and I had a strong connection, one that made me feel alive again. It was like he was my soul mate (if such a thing exists).

When I got home I remember I forgot my keys but decided to not go back. I had crossed through a ‚Äúgate‚ÄĚ of some sort and to go back through it would mean going through a ‚Äúcheck-point‚ÄĚ and I didn‚Äôt want to risk getting caught. What I was getting caught for, I don‚Äôt know.

When I woke up I was very sad and questioning why. I felt completely and utterly dissociated from my life, my family, and everyone I know. The feeling was so intensely real that I figured it must mean I needed to disconnect from my life and everyone in it. I believed this to the point that I even looked online for an apartment and told my husband I wanted to move out.

The realization of all of this, all of this I had not seen, blew me away. Of course, I can’t be so hard on myself. I¬†was unable to see it at that time. So much had not yet been revealed to me. But now, now I know.

The first dream was warning me of what was to come. The destruction is my entire life, my foundations, falling down around me. Tear it all down and then build it back up. It is destruction of the old me to make way for the new. It is also representative of how my world was turned upside down in December 2015. The ReUnion threw me into chaos for a time and, like the second dream stated so clearly, “I had crossed through a ‘gate’ of some sort’ and there is was¬†going back.

Everything in bold is how I felt the end of December through January. My whole life felt wrong and I so desperately wanted out of it and to join my new friend.

Putting it all together, my mind was made up. This last hurdle must be confronted and destroyed if I am to get to the other side. Going back is not an option.

waterfall

Dream: Waterfall

I went to bed asking to move forward. “Show me what I need to see,” I said. My Companion whispered to me, “Remember.” I knew this was a good sign.

In the dream I on a boat with a male friend. He resembled the man who I call my counterpart except this time he was much younger and his skin a bit lighter. I sensed he had more “life” in him than before.

We were on a fast flowing, massive river similar in size to the Amazon. It was forking in front of us. Both sides equal except for one thing. The path on the left had lines strung over it filled with live chickens hanging by their feet. They were flapping their wings and squawking loudly. On the right there was also a line but on it there were only two live chickens flapping about.

Together we chose the path to the right and navigated down the river. The rapids grew stronger and tossed us about. I knew not many took this path and that the reason was because it ended in a huge waterfall.

As we approached the waterfall, I saw a brilliant white mansion to the right. I knew no one lived in it. I had been there before.

In front of us the river narrowed substantially and its waters were channeled between pillars of concrete. It was a dam of some sort. My partner asked me if I was ready and I said, “Can’t we go around?” He said, “We shouldn’t.” Then we jumped into the river and swam to the left bank. We crawled out and sat upon the concrete together, both of us completely naked. To our right the sound of the waterfall was prominent. I felt exhausted and lay down to rest. My partner sat next to me and looked down at me. I could see him clearly and recognized him. He was nearly my age now and so beautiful. I wanted to put my fingers in his dark hair but I didn’t. I just stared up at him.

Then he was talking to me but I heard no words. Instead he was writing all over my bare skin. He was writing messages to me. His writing covered every inch of me. I saw I had written messages on his skin, too. I knew I had nothing to hide from him and he had nothing to hide from me. I wish I could remember what he wrote now but all I recall is how gentle and loving he was. My heart overflowed with love for him.

Heart Blast

I woke up in tears. Gentle tears. Tears not of sorrow but of the most profound love. My heart was blazing but part of it, the upper right section, was tender. Instead of feeling grief and agony for the seeming separation I woke up to, I felt determined; brave. I felt as if I could do anything as long as he was by my side and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was….is by my side.

I lay in my bed immersed in the love that overflowed from my heart center and heard my Companion say, “There are some things we cannot do alone.” I knew what he meant and he was not referring to himself as my partner¬†in this instance. It was time to focus on my physical counterpart now. In that moment all I wanted to do was go; to leave everything behind and find him. Yet I knew this was impossible and not appropriate. I have contracts to complete, a mission to accomplish. I must become Whole. And instead of feeling sad about it, I felt determined and undeterred.

Whatever the waterfall is, and I have a good idea of what it is, I CAN confront it and move past it. I do it not only for me, but for him. The kind of love we have is the kind that makes me want to do anything for him. I would lose my life if I had to. I guess that is the motivation I need to move past this because to do it just for me is not enough. I don’t feel I am¬†worth it, but he is.

I want to add that had I known a love like this existed, was even possible, I never would have wasted my time with all the others. That love was a pretend love, a projected love. I don’t mean to negate any of my past experiences or past loves, but that is how I feel. If I had known, I would not have accepted anything but the real deal.

 

To Become Whole, We Must First Be Separate

Warning – this post could upset some of you, especially those of you who have experienced sexual trauma.

“To become Whole, We must first Be Separate”.

This was what I was told this morning when I awoke in tears from a dream directed at helping me to heal a major wound which I have been carrying with me for many, many lives.

Dream

In the dream I was a counselor who was told about an incident where a young girl witnessed her father molesting her little brother. In the dream, I actually witnessed it as well. I took the girl to report it and listened to her statement.

Then I shifted into a hospital setting and was laying in a bed. Everything was white. In front of me was this machine that I knew was an electroshock therapy machine. It was connected to me. I kept shocking myself over and over again with it. For some reason the shock made me feel better and I would smile. I both experienced and witnessed this as it occurred.

Then a man came into the room. I recognized him as my partner. He was completely naked. He radiated unconditional love and sympathy as he crawled into my hospital bed and snuggled up to me. I felt completely numb and did not respond to him.

When I awoke, I was crying uncontrollably. It was not sobbing, but more silent, slow tears that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried to stop them and my heart chakra was ablaze with a warm, comforting feeling. I heard from my Companion, “It’s not your fault.”

Healing a Deep Wound

The wound itself has been one of discussion in this blog before. It specifically comes from the past 3 lives prior to this one but is also a part of this lifetime.

The wound, simply put, is betrayal. More specifically, this betrayal is betrayal of love and trust. The love of a child for a parent. The love of a woman for her husband. The complete trust of a child that their parents will care for them, protect them, and nurture them because they are too small and too innocent to do so themselves. The complete trust of a wife in her husband and expectation that he will protect her and bear what she cannot.

With all this betrayal of love and trust also comes a feeling of complete abandonment by God.

There is also a complete disgust for mankind and the male gender in general.

To recap:

  • Most recent past life: I was murdered by my father at the age of 6. I am not sure why but Remembered this morning that my mother, who I thought innocent, was an accomplice. Betrayal by parents.
  • Life before that: I married a man who was abusive and raped me. Betrayal by husband.
  • Life before that: As a child I was molested by my own father after my mother’s death. Later in that life I¬†was murdered by my own husband who also murdered our infant son and then killed himself. Betrayal by father. Betrayal by husband.

This Lifetime

Memories from this life also surfaced. When I was little, around 7 years old, I walked past our bathroom and saw our neighbor using the restroom in front of my little sister. He was asking her, “Do you want to touch it.” Horrified, I took my sister’s hand and told her, “No.” The moment will forever be ingrained in my memory.

I told my mom but I had no idea what, if anything, she did about. The neighbors eventually moved to Mexico, though.

Fast forward to 2003. On a road trip back from California, I fell asleep in the back seat only to awaken to the sound of my mom and older sister having a serious conversation. In it, I overheard that my sister had been molested by the neighbor when she was 10-11 years old. This was the same neighbor who I had seen trying to get my younger sister to touch him. I interrupted their conversation because I was totally shocked. My sister said, “I thought you knew about it. He did it to you, too.” I had no idea what she was talking about.

She went on to tell of what exactly he did and how he use to touch all three of us when swimming in our pool. My sister has struggled with healing from her experiences her whole life.

I still have no memory of any of it.

In recalling all of this, I wondered if maybe I buried memories from this life to save myself from what my sister is still struggling¬†to heal. I honestly don’t think that he did to me what he did to her, but I have feelings that do not make sense from that time in my life. I also have huge gaps in my memory from that time in my life.

Connecting the Dots

Beliefs and feelings were obvious to me. It was like a flood of information, as if all the weeks of deep sleep and healing were finally revealed.

Love is painful. Men are not to be trusted. It was my fault, so I should be punished.

There are other false beliefs but these are the main ones. The last, especially, is troublesome because it is the last belief that continues the cycle.

My guidance has long told me, “You are special”. It was repeated this morning. This time, however, I understood why. This phrase was often spoken to me when I was molested by my father in the first life in this cycle. Everything that happened after was associated with that phrase. That is why I always retract from it and experience fear when I hear it. I always think, “I am NOT special.” I don’t want to be special because to be special means accepting what happened to me and what I was – which was “bad”. In that lifetime I felt I was being punished – by my father and by God – but I had no idea what I had done wrong.

It was reiterated that none of it was my fault and that I need not be punished any longer. The emotions from that and the other lifetime resurfaced. Emotions of confusion of a child who loved his/her parents unconditionally only to suffer at their hands. Despite all of their mistreatment of me, I still loved them. I love them so much that I assumed it was not their fault but my own.

I was reminded that I reject love from others; I do not allow myself to be loved fully. Love is fully trusting in another. It is placing all of yourself in their hands. I refuse to do that. If I cannot do that, I cannot become Whole.

This wound is the last big hurdle I face in the path to Wholeness. I asked why I had not just healed it on the Other Side between lives. It was explained that when we are Home we are separated from much of the experience of the pain, so we cannot fully heal our wounds unless we are in the physical where they originated. When I return to the physical the pattern continues – I feel I should be punished and so I am. And it was never my fault to begin with.