Putting the Past to Rest, Kundalini Dreams and Messages

Two weeks of struggling to fall asleep. I’m only getting about 5-6 hours a night and it is taking its toll. I suspect it has to do with the Corona virus scare and all the hoopla surrounding it. It is me picking up on the Collective more than anything I think, though I have my own issues surfacing independent of the virus and the Collective. All are One, though, so it is all the same to me.

Previous to news about the virus, I have had thoughts about past relationships coming up. This began way back in January, so I know it is not the cause of my sleepless nights because I had no issues with sleep back then. Some thoughts/memories are from past boyfriends, others from past connections in high school. Nothing major – no major emotions or reactions to the memories, really. Mostly I am coming to unuderstand the other person more and more and I think that is the point. This indicates that I have shifted from being the effect of my emotions and karmic lessons to being more at cause and seeking understanding in order to put it all at rest.

For example, a specific ex-boyfriend of mine continues to come up in my thoughts and I even had a long conversation with my husband about him. At that time in my life I had just awakened spiritually and was fascinated with my newfound gifts. My connection with him was a catalyst for my awakening, though a subtle one. He introduced me to the book that had the meditation in it that served to ignite all the swift changes in my life at that time. I realized that was his only purpose and am grateful to him for that. However, I also see how I was so immersed in my awakening that I neglected him, didn’t see the “signs” that indicated he felt ignored, under appreciated and fearful of a great many things. There was recognition that for him, I was more than just a fling, I was a potential long-term relationship and maybe more.

The signs were there but I didn’t see them back then. He took me to meet his father for one despite putting down his father and indicating he cared nothing at all about what his father thought of him and his life choices. He also altered his home environment to suit me. When I met him he had nothing permanent in his home. His furniture was all plastic or dorm style. His bed was an air mattress. He had no dresser in his bedroom. Yet after we started dating he bought a new bed and furniture. When I started drifting away from him, caught up in doing readings and exploring my gifts, he admitted to cheating on me (he kissed an ex-gf). I believe he did this because he wanted to test my reaction. I dumped him immediately and had no emotional reaction other than that. Afterward (we worked together) he was very resentful and demonstrated his hurt via critical comments. Then years later he contacted me in hopes of a second chance, but I was already married. He put down my choice to marry and have children saying, “Oh, you’re one of those.”

I was also able to recognize that he was a very conflicted person. He wanted to marry and have children but resented his brother who was doing just that. His brother was praised and commended for his choices by his father. So two reasons to not be like his brother. I think he began to have feelings for me that scared him. His response was to self-sabotage. Cheat on me and make it easier to escape a situation where he was at odds with himself. Yet despite this, years after he sought to reunite with me because deep down he longed for more.

After all this reflection I find I genuinely love him, not in a romantic way but in a family way. I wish only the best for him in his life and hope that he has faced his inner demons and made peace with his father. Maybe he has settled down with a partner and has found some semblance of peace?

I went through the same process with the other relationships that came to mind – another ex-bf and a girl I went to high school with. Seeing their side of things helps me to let go of any leftover negative emotion, freeing me – and them – from the trap of repeating the lesson in future lives.

Unusual Kundalini Dreams

One benefit of the delay in falling to sleep is I used that time to meditate and go within.

Last night, once again frustrated at not falling asleep, I asked my guidance for help. Since I had done this before with little response I asked to be given something interesting in my dreams – an OBE, a lucid dream with Kundalini, a gift perhaps – yes a “gift” would be nice I said.

My request was granted immediately.

Somehow I drifted off to sleep and entered into a lucid dream within a dream within a dream. The dream specifics are confusing because I was in two places (three really). I was in my bed aware that I was dreaming but I was in two different beds – one in the past and one in the present. The past bedroom was at my Mom’s home. The present bed my own bed in my house now. The dream took place in the past bedroom but I shifted between past and present, aware of each shift.

As I lay curled up on my side (in both beds) I had a dream of an invisible man coming to me. I shifted OOB where I could feel him and hear him, but couldn’t see him. He had stubble on his face which kept scratching me as we kissed. His hands were large but gentle. I recall shifting back to check on my sleeping body in the past bed while observing from the present bed and then shifting back to be with him. I remember becoming passionate with him and pulling back when his stubble scratched my cheek. I commented to him about it even but did not complain. The energy started to build and for some reason I withdrew from him. I don’t remember why. Perhaps I had a consideration of being found out? When I withdrew he did not want me to go. His persistence created more intense energy and my second chakra began to ache in response. It was both painful and pleasurable. This woke me.

When I woke I was surprised and pleased. My lower chakras were active and swirling with energy. I told my guidance, “More please.” lol

I fell asleep for a while and was awakened at 3:30am by my arm which was very, very itchy. I was bitten twice a few nights ago by what I think was a mosquito but the bites did not heal like normal. Instead they have remained very itchy and red. The itchy feeling comes and goes and this is the first time it has wakened me.

I got up and put some cortisone cream on them and then covered them with band-aids to prevent me from scratching them in my sleep. Then returned to sleep.

This time I entered into a dream that was very different from any other Kundalini dream I’ve had.

I remember being at a mobile home and interacting with a woman and her husband. I believe I was having an affair with the woman and trying to stay hidden from the husband. I am not sure if I was male or female but I think I switched between genders because at the end I remember recognizing I was male but feeling female.

The woman is hard to recall and I am not even sure it was a woman. I suspect it was a guide or teacher and the dream camouflaged them to fit with my comfort zone. This guide was touching me and igniting a very pleasurable feeling – and this is an understatement. I recall kissing and the electricity that resulted was beyond my comprehension. It took my breath away and created a chain reaction in my body like a match lights a bonfire. The pleasure wasn’t just energetic but physical, too. Every point on my body that was touched responded the same and every time it happened I was in awe and super curious. I remember commenting about it but can’t recall my exact words. I felt like a teenager exploring and touching for the first time. The places I was touched – hands, arms, leg – all felt to connect and exhibited the same explosive, erotic and pleasurable sensation. The pleasure I experienced is beyond description. I have not experienced the K like that before.

This went on for some time until the woman (guide/teacher) hid me as her husband returned. I remember hiding outside the back door and then crawling around the side of the house. When I saw the woman standing there I froze, hiding from her, too, but knowing she would see me. This is when I felt to be male but female, also. When she looked at me, I woke up.


When I woke my crown chakra was swirling with energy and wide open. It felt like a stream of consciousness was entering via my crown, a feeling I haven’t felt in quite some time. When this happens it feels as if I am connected to my guidance/HS in an expansive way – a 360 degree feeling.

The memory of what had happened lingered and I was still in awe, asking what had happened and why. The first response was, “You have an itch you need to scratch”. The symbolism was not lost to me since I had awakened prior to this K experience from a very, very itchy arm. My response back was, “Shouldn’t I not scratch? Scratching leads to infection…” I got no reply, probably because I was over-thinking it. lol

Then my guidance reminded me of something I was told years ago in an OBE encounter with a guide who spoke with an accent. At that time the guide started a sentence and I finished it. He said, “Quite a fine sense you have. The more and more (I finished his sentence) you see, the more and more you will believe. Trust them to know what they see”. But this time it was the opposite – “The more and more you believe, the more and more you will see.”

I knew the explanation to be one I had heard many times before. When I first awakened I asked, “Why me? Why is this happening? How is it that I can do what I can do?” and was told, “Because you didn’t believe you couldn’t.”

We are limited by our beliefs. When we do not believe we can’t experience something that opens us up to all that we can. I was being told that I experienced this different K energy because I had no consideration that I couldn’t experience it. I was asked, “Imagine what you could Know if you tossed all limiting belief?”

This conversation left me feeling very optimistic as my imagination went wild with all the things I could experience and Know.

Other messages I received:

“It’s your turn”. This came after what seemed like a memory of my soul group and us “taking turns” in some way related to ascension and the planet. It felt like we went through cycles of “rest”. It’s like we are all holding a rope in tug-o-war and sometimes we have to let go to get a breather and the rest of our group holds on and takes up the slack while we rest. When we return to hold the reigns then others take breaks and so on and so forth.

Vision: I saw a flood of water and knew it was a message that I would witness others around me suffer through troubled times. I was reminded that I would be spared. I saw myself standing as the water flooded on either side but missed me entirely.

Heard a voice say my step-father chose to move on (died). This, I believe, is future related and so the timing of it unknown.

Keep Calm: The Earth is Purging

The Earth is purging. It has been for a long time now.

Years ago when I had my first precognition visions (unwanted at that) I was shown natural disasters (fires, floods, viruses, drought, migration) to the point of crippling the population and economy, leading to wars, riots, destruction. Massive population movement (displacement) all over the world because of the changes in climate. Water levels rising and flooding populations close to the coastlines, rising up the Mississippi river and other large rives, flooding beyond record levels. That was in 2002 and covered “the next 50 years”. We aren’t even halfway through yet.

I was shown back in 2002 to stay put, location-wise, for a reason. No flooding here. No earthquakes. Climate change would be more positive, in that it would be wetter – similar to the sub-tropics. The Equator will shift as the poles shift, moving the tropics and sub-tropics from the positions they are in now, shifting that weather north in some areas and south in others. I happen to be in the north side of it.

When the fires hit the US I kept hearing from my guides, “Purge by fire”. When the flooding was happening in the US, it was, “Purge by water.” I heard the same with various other natural disasters as they happened happened around the world.

The Corona virus is no different, it’s just “Purge by disease.”

The Earth can only take so much. There are too many people and that number is rising. We are taking more than we need, using up Earth’s bounty, sucking her dry.

When animal populations rise too much, the Earth naturally fixes the problem. Either food becomes scarce, disease spreads quickly or some other method or combinations of methods is used to slow the population rise and maintain balance. Yet humans think we are somehow immune from this. We believe we are “superior”. So we develop ways to avoid the natural process and our population swells to numbers far beyond Earth’s ability to cope. The tipping point is here, though, and if we are smart we will listen to the Earth’s cries.

If a virus doesn’t kill off millions, something else will. The Earth is purging and will continue to.

Resisting the changes won’t help. Remaining calm and centered will. The herd mentality creates more problems, leads to panic and people acting illogically. Quarantining people in their homes for weeks won’t make it go away, it only slows it down. Other virus’ exist, some we don’t even know about, some we do. Are we going to be in quarantine forever? Contact with other humans is inevitable – needed.

I find it interesting also that I just finished watching the show 12 Monkeys which is about a virus that wipes out almost all of the world population. Ha! Not a sync I missed.

I saw a post yesterday that speaks so much about this virus situation. It resonated with me completely.


When I observe people both online and in my day-to-day living, I see evidence of these three groups, have for a long while now.

The 4D group is very active on FB and other social media. This person or that is a “pedophile”, the virus is a “hoax”, “Team Dark” is trying to destroy the Light, the elite are using us a pawns, etc. It is not that they are “wrong”. It is very likely such hidden agendas are in the works (probably, actually). But becoming enmeshed in such things acts only to distract them, distancing them further from the inner work that needs to be done.

The fear mongers are frantic. They are the ones I avoid when I go out in public because their fear is broadcast in their energy and makes me feel generally icky. The amount of fear varies, of course, from severe paranoia to mere anxiety, but they are all being controlled by it, not listening to their inner Knowing but instead seeking out the most recent news and then spreading the fear to others in various ways.

The 5D individuals are less openly obvious. They are the quiet ones for the most part. Observing, allowing – centered in their hearts and in their Knowing. They stand centered in Self, watching the world around them without judgement but with compassion.

I feel I am more in line with the 5D group. I struggle with remaining neutral, though. When I see the conspiracy posts on FB or other social media I want to write something to try and show them how distracted they are, but I stay silent. It is the same with those consumed by fear. It will do no good to try and force them to see things the way I do. They are going through their own process, as we all are, and no one path is alike.

So I remain quiet more than not. When I go out in public I smile, I remain calm, I am friendly. Just yesterday when I was out shopping, an employee of the store was also shopping and approached me, smiling and friendly. When he got too close he backed up suddenly and apologized, saying he should not get too close with the virus so near. I smiled, laughed and reassured him that I had no fear whatsoever of becoming infected. He looked positively relieved and began to relax, smiling and continuing to share his story and thoughts. I listened and allowed him to release some of his pent up emotion and fear.

Yet in the same trip as I was checking out I must have gotten too close and the man in front of me stiffened as if he were going to catch fire or drop dead. I backed off, smiled and remained pleasant.

I will leave you all with a positive sign I received two days ago on a trip to see my Mom, who lives about 40 minutes away in the country. It was a pleasant visit and toward the end we were blessed with visit by a Polyphemus moth. My step-father gently picked it up and held it and after a while it flew off into the distance. We were all in awe of its beauty and presence.


The symbolism of the moth was not lost on me. I knew it was a message. Here is the message of the moth:

moth symbolism

All is Well

Had some dreams of note. In one I was at a computer screen and sent completed files to this guy. He said, “You forgot to merge the files.” I looked at him and said, “Okay. That shouldn’t take more than an hour, right?” He smiled, laughed and said,”More like four or more hours.” I smiled and took his hand in mine and looked at him. In this instance dream time seemed to slow way down. I can’t remember his face now but I remember thinking that it was okay if it took a long time because that meant more time with him. There was a nice warm feeling in my heart and I woke up still feeling it.

After waking the significance of “merged documents” was not lost on me. I knew it was referencing Wholeness – or becoming One with All. I understood that I didn’t mind waiting because it gave me the chance to be with the man. If we merged I would become the man – which is not the same.

A few nights ago I remember being in the in-between talking about how much I missed a soul family connection. As I cried and my heart hurt, I was being reminded of why I was here. There was a feeling of knowing that the Oneness I so desire is my natural state in Spirit and that I come into human form to experience myself separate from that, which is what I am doing. The separateness is only temporary and with that I should try and enjoy it and learn from it while I can.

The two experiences stayed with me. Then, I had a dream last night in which I was making love to myself while looking into a mirror at my own face. As I looked deep into my own eyes I felt the significance of the experience. Someone interrupted, taking my bedroom door off of its hinges. I got up to put it back on and saw that the bolt that kept the hinges in place was missing. The door was to never be secure. It was just an illusion of security. I saw this, too, and accepted it.

As I woke I began thinking about these messages. If we are merged, One, then how can we experience ourselves outside of ourselves except to be separate from ourselves? I saw this life in human form as that experience. How can I hold my own hand except but to allow myself to be as a man and a woman, separate with separate experiences, reaching out to each other? I saw my husband, my children, my mom, my family, friends, everyone as the opportunity to do this, to reach out to touch myself, see and experience myself and to remember I am not alone because I am ALL.

With all this something extraordinary has been happening to me. Slowly. I almost didn’t notice it, it occurred so slowly, but I have noticed. I think it all comes down to something simple: choice. I don’t consciously do it most of the time. It just happens automatically.

This all stems from a decision I made a long while ago. I decided that some things were just not worth my time and energy. Mostly negative things, things that did not bring me joy or that made me feel a certain way – that anxious pit in my stomach feeling or that unwell spiritual-energetic dissonance feeling. They are feelings that are hard to describe but when I feel them I know them. When I feel those “off” feelings I simply switch off the thoughts that cause them and turn on other thoughts or observe my environment and breathe it in. I do this so frequent it has turned into a habit. Yay!

As a result of this new habit I am much more peaceful throughout my day. I am much calmer and more centered. It is this new Beingness that helped me to notice how much I have changed for the better.

I find much more joy in simple things than I use to. I smile at things that normally I would have not noticed. I enjoy moments more and as often as I can.

I would like to hope that this is progress, at least on some level and all my hard work is beginning to pay off. Or maybe I am just finally entering into a stage, one that comes with getting older, and this is just part of a process everyone eventually goes through? 🙂 Whatever the case, I am feeling so much more solid in this body and life and it is well with my soul.

Something that came to me the other day on a walk (I take two a day now), is about the chakras. I remember thinking, “The lower chakras say, ‘live long and prosper’ and the upper chakras say, ‘but remember who you are’.” lol The lower chakras are all about the biological organism – reproduce, survive, live, die. The upper chakras are the tether that connects our human and physical forms. They work to remind us that we are much, much more than these bodies – eternal/infinite. The two, when streamlined, allow us to be both human (finite) and Spirit (infinite) in balance; merging physical and spiritual.

I can feel when I am streamlined like this and when I am not. I don’t know how I lived my life up until now not noticing the difference! Perhaps the self (little self, Ego) and the Self (Higher Self) are cooperating like intended? 🙂 Like in my dreams where I am in a car, but both the driver and the passenger? The driver being the Self and the passenger being the self. The self can be a HUGE back seat driver but she stays in that passenger seat where she belongs a hell of a whole lot more than she use to. hahaha

It is ironic that with all the panic and ridiculous amounts of fear in the world right now, I am feeling quite the opposite. I hope you are, too.


Dream: May Day

Seems I just can’t catch a break when it comes to my dreams lately. I am having vivid, lucid dreams. Many have been sexual, sometimes with elements of the Kundalini. Others have been upsetting, some so much that I feel they are predictive of some future event.

What is going on, I wonder? My intuition tells me that we are shift, shift, shifting again. Like majorly but in subtle ways that are more inward, drawing out deeply hidden wounds that need healing. Wounds that may have been partially healed but because they were not totally “flushed” from our energy they have to be confronted, handled and released. Based on the intensity of this shift I am betting you all have felt it, too, though your experiences would not necessarily be like mine.

In the past few weeks (since the last week in Feb) I have been having dreams and physical reality encounters (online mainly) with people from my past. People who I met in the first few years following my spiritual awakening in 2002. Three ex’s to be specific. Two re-connections occurred online with men from that first year of my awakening. One was an online chat that went on for half of the work day, the other was just me looking in on them without them knowing.The other connection came via a lucid dream encounter which had me waking up thinking, “What was that all about?”

On top of the odd return to the past I’ve been having premonitory dreams. The V-Day dream I had was one such dream and this morning I woke in tears to another one, this one mentioning May Day (May 1st).

Dream: May Day

The dream shifts and changes settings three times. In the first dream setting I am with others who my husband and I know in real life. There is discussion about the kids all going to one place to hang out while the adults go to another. For some reason it seems like the kids are all going to my house and I make it known that I do not want this. It feels like the group determines I should be the babysitter without asking me.

My husband and I visit a pizza (return to wholeness) place to order pizza. He selects pizza from an metal shelf and begins to taste test some of the food. I watch as the man taking our order prepares a bread loaf by taking dough (money, finance) and rolling it into small balls and putting them together. I take one of the ball of dough and taste it (good fortune), asking if it is okay. He says it is and I put the tasted dough back into the pile and he continues to make the bread.

Then someone mentions it is time to go and the kids all seem to be piling into our car, which is a station wagon (family). I protest and remind them we do not have enough pizza for all of them.

We drive, me sitting in the passenger seat and also in the driver’s seat at times (two aspect of Self). We are going to a “dance” at a school. The school parking lot is flooded (emotion). Water is rushing down the road and getting high enough to stall out a car (upsetting emotion). I drive through it and from the passenger seat I can feel the water hit my feet because there is a hole in the bottom of the car (an aspect of me will be impacted by this flood of emotion).

I drop the other kids at the dance but do not let my daughter go. She is upset and I tell her that she should have told me in advance about the dance.

As we leave we encounter a black man asking for donations to fix his car. A nice, black car is sitting near him, one tire missing. I feel generous and begin to look in my purse for money to give him.

The scene shifts and I am driving with others in a country setting. Again, I am the driver and the passenger. As the passenger I give instructions. “Turn left here.” The driver me drives past and I look back and say, “You missed it. You have to turn around.” We drive up a distance and find some little shops. The road looks to be red brick. We begin to turn around and I see the shops look to be from the distant past, like the Middle Ages. Men are lingering and looking strangely at us, but we drive back to our missed turn.

The scene shifts again and I am in a warehouse that is also an elevator (levels of consciousness). The button is pushed to go up but the elevator malfunctions and it goes up only to fall quickly back down. I know this will happen, though, and am prepared. Then we are trapped inside for a while until someone cuts the wire and the power is cut off. The elevator opens on the ground floor and we exit.

The scene shifts for the last time and I am at a gathering. It feels like a wedding or similar celebration. There is a long table set with various items as if we are preparing for the celebration. At the head of the table is my “sister” though she looks nothing like my sister in real life – younger and much prettier with long blonde hair. She has pretty, thin ribbons in her hands and seems to be braiding them or something.

My “sister” is smiling and talking on “the phone” (there is no phone) with a mother figure. I can hear both voices in the conversation. I recognize that the mother’s voice is not our mother’s but maybe the mother-in-law or some other mother related to my “sister”. I say to her, “That isn’t mom you’re talking to, is it? Mom died didn’t she?”

When I say this, I have a flash of memory and seem transported into this memory. My mom is laying in a hospital bed, sitting up against the raised back. She is very weak and I somehow know that she has had issues with her heart. My mom says to me, “I’m not going to make it.” There is instant memory of an entire event that leads up to my mom’s death.

Shocked at the memory, I begin to see a calendar. The month’s of the year rapidly flip from page to page, pausing on the months and certain dates for seconds before moving to the next month. I see the 14th of January and then the 21st of February. Then the page stops on May 1st. I remember thinking of Mother’s Day and how so much happened to me and my family in 2014 around this time of year – births, deaths, marriage, relocation, new jobs, new directions in life for many of us.

I shift back to talking to my “sister” and say, “May 1st….May Day…..” I begin to sob uncontrollably as I realize my mom is dead. Dread hits me and devastation begins to spread from my stomach up to my throat and my head like a warm liquid. My heart sinks and I cry so hard I wake myself up. As I wake I am saying, “May Day (mayday), May Day (mayday)” as if I am asking for help while also trying to remember the day.

It was 5:30am and I couldn’t go back to sleep.


If this is a premonitory dream then I hope, hope, hope it is not literal. My mom has always told me that she could not bear the death of one of her children. She has said, “I won’t make it” which were similar to her words to me in my dream. The feeling of the “heart problem” my mom had in the dream was that she was unable to continue living because of something that happened to her heart.

Just recently I discovered that my sister’s condition has not improved. She has staph on her heart valves despite the removal of 7 infected teeth and her blood tests showing the infection had cleared. She also confessed to being addicted to Meth, which has been a shock to me and my mom and anyone else who now knows that didn’t before.

The doctors have decided to do heart valve replacement surgery and replace the infected valves with pig valves. This is a very risky surgery so my guess is she must be doing pretty poorly for them to risk opening up her chest to replace her heart valves while knowing she is a Meth addict and will likely return to her habit once she recovers and put herself at risk for a repeat of this health emergency.

I have been at odds with myself over her situation. On the one hand I want her to recover and overcome her addiction to become the person she is capable of being. One the other hand I am certain she will succumb to her addiction and end up right back in this place sooner more than later. I am furious that the doctors would replace her heart valves knowing she is a Meth addict and not at all recovered except for her time spent in the hospital. But I imagine they are aware of this likelihood, so if they are doing the surgery anyway then she is at death’s door already.

So if my dream is precognitive, it could be that it is warning me of how my mom might react to my sister’s death. Or, it could just be a worry dream and nothing more. It felt precognitive, though, especially since the message is so similar to the previous one. May Day – V-Day…..

Honestly, the intensity of this past month and the uptick of dreams and dream encounters this past week has me a bit worried. I asked my guidance the other morning, “What is wrong with me?” upon waking from a particularly intense lucid dream. I am losing sleep because I keep waking from intense (Kundalini) or upsetting dreams at early hours of the morning and cannot get back to sleep. I lay awake thinking and wondering and get this feeling that is BIG. It says to me, “Change is coming. Be ready.”

Sometimes my spiritual gifts seem like a curse. Why know what is coming if I can’t do anything about it!? So seldom does knowing help except to prepare me emotionally by giving me a heads up. I wonder, though, does it really prepare me? I suppose in a way it does because I can process the emotion ahead of time so that when the event does occur I can be there for others. I can be less affected and more emotionally stable. For me, the loss of my sister is something I can bear but for my mom? I imagine what it would be like to lose a child. If I lost one of my children it would be devastating. A part of me would die and continue to die for the remainder of my life. Like my mom, I don’t think I could survive it.