The Sad Truth and Worrisome Dream

Yesterday we went to my mom’s for a visit and to celebrate my birthday early. When we arrived, my sister and her husband and child were there. I was not happy about this. Why? Because I need to prepare myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally for an encounter with her and her family and wasn’t given the chance to do so. Plus, I was hoping to enjoy my time with my mom as part of my birthday celebration even though my birthday isn’t until next week. Family dynamics are very different when you add my sister and her husband to the mix. Sometime my BIL/cousin is in such a nasty mood that it makes all of us feel on edge. His energy can be toxic. Also, my nephew is hyperactive and his energy is difficult for me to be around. My sister is usually not an issue but I often resist seeing her because past experiences have only led me to the conclusion that she is unwell, depressed and still using Meth. 

The visit was okay but I got a tension headache towards the end, an indicator of stress.

I learned that my sister had arrived early and unexpectedly to wash a lot of laundry. There were heaps of dirty clothes at the front door when I got there. She also had given my mom her typical sob story about how she and her family are broke despite getting stimulus checks and selling the RV my mom had bought them. My sister explained that the money they got from the government was very little because they deducted back child support along with back taxes (which they should!). Of course, their truck (I’ve lost count of how many cars they’ve had now) is not doing well and is a gas hog, my cousin/BIL is struggling to find work – the list goes on. My mom was sad to hear they had sold the RV for only $1000 when she had paid $5K for it. They had not kept up repairs on it and it had so many issues that they had difficulty finding a buyer for it. Their new RV is smaller and can be hitched to a pickup without a special attachment but has less room and no washer/dryer like the old one. They used their stimulus money to buy it and the truck they have now. They had purchased an SUV with the money before the truck but did not maintain it and it couldn’t afford to repair it. Sigh. Currently they are struggling to find a place to park their new RV home. They have jumped from free campground to free campground all summer and are at a place where they have to pay $100/mo but, of course, are being forced to move because they aren’t paying. 

They asked my mom if they could park their RV there because they saw there were RV hookups at the spiritual retreat my mom and step-dad created. The answer was “no” because the last time they stayed there they wouldn’t leave and they created all kinds of problems (having their drug dealer come out to the land, fighting with my step-dad, being confrontational, not working, sleeping all day, and just not keeping their end of the agreement). 

Thankfully my nephew played with my sons happily the entire time and my BIL stayed away and did not spew his nastiness everywhere. My sister did the laundry and wouldn’t swim because she was embarrassed by all the sores on her body (Meth side-effects). When my husband asked if she was still using she flinched and said, “No.” My husband believes she was telling a half-truth, meaning that her “no” was that she wasn’t using today or in that moment but has been. I agree with my husband. Those sores are not “allergies”, they are proof of her drug use. 

I struggle not to give my sister money when I see her. I know she will misuse the money and maybe even buy drugs but I do want her to live better and know I can help. But I have learned it is not good for her to enable her bad decisions with handouts. My sister refuses to work despite being totally capable. She can’t work in her desired field – teacher – and her options are limited but she could find work if she tried. House cleaning is one that comes to mind. She thinks it below her to work low paying jobs. Instead, she puts all the pressure on her husband who has the same criminal background issues as she does. He does find work, often, but usually quits before he gets to the 6mo mark. He hates that they take child support and back taxes out of his already tiny paycheck. 

My recent dream about my sister doesn’t give me hope for her. In the dream I found her naked, curled up in the fetal position with a tiny towel placed over her for warmth. When I tried to get her to get up and come with me, to leave the horrid place I found her in, she refused. She basically said that she had given up and decided it is better to stay high than to confront her life. She preferred the pretend world of drugs to the real world. I began to cry slow, sad tears as I walked away. I knew she had made her choice and that I could do nothing for her.  

Similarly, I had a dream about my mom recently that caused me to wake in tears.

Dream from July 30:

I was outside. A large tree or wooden pole was in the center. Chairs were attached that swiveled around the tree. I was in one and a man was in another. I remember the chairs moving like the solar system around the tree and I could see the man across from me moving in sync with me. We were served Indian (Hindu) cuisine. Then, I remember suddenly knowing that my mom died choking on food. I saw her standing in front of me. She got a shocked look on her face and then she just fell in a heap on the ground. Someone said, “She’s dead.” 

I ended up at my mom’s house and she was there as a ghost. We were talking and I was upset about her death. I remember seeing the answering machine had one message. I played it but it was all static and hard to make out. I remember wondering if anyone knew she had died. I told her what I had witnessed, how she was eating food and just fell over, dead. I was beside myself with upset and recalling all my times in this life with my mom, memories flashing in front of me. I also remember thinking she was too young, only 54 (she is 72 now). At one point I saw stairs going up but there are not stairs in the house. She said, “Maybe they will be added?” I thought it may happen. Then, I was crying and hugging her and saying, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve already lost one parent! I don’t know what to do. What do I do now?” My mom hugged and consoled me and a voice whispered, “She isn’t dead.” I suddenly realized maybe she was alive because she was there with me. I touched her and she was solid and I said with relief, “You’re alive!” She said, “Yes I am.” I cried tears of relief, sobbing into her shoulder and woke up. 

When I returned to sleep the same scenario occurred – my mom died from choking on Brussel sprouts this time. I was in the house crying again and my mom’s “ghost” was there. This time I was in my mom’s closet and the attic door was opened and stairs came down. My sister descended the ladder and I had a conversation with her and my mom about my mom’s will and how it couldn’t be changed. I began to try and help my sister by teaching her about “start, change, stop”, explaining how it could help her in life. I explained that she could “change” or “stop” anything, especially her drug use but other things, also. She said, “I don’t need help with relationships.” I reminded her it could help in other areas. Eventually I realized my mom hadn’t died because yet again a voice said, “She isn’t dead.” I said, “So she isn’t dead? She’s alive?” It was as if I had no clue despite having already had a similar dream! 

When I woke I was crying again and perplexed. Why did I have a second dream where the same thing happened? Was it a warning dream? Could my mom be in danger?

I told my mom about my dream and she confirmed that lately she has had trouble swallowing and goes into choking fits that can make her feel like she is going to pass out. Her heart speeds up, she gets panicked and the fits go on a long time. She has them about once a week, maybe less. Alarmed, I urged her to see the doctor. I hope she will. It is just too “coincidental” that I would dream of her choking twice in one night only to discover she has been struggling with choking on food and water!!

My dream was likely part anxiety and part warning. I often pick up on things happening with my mom, so it is not a surprise that I would pick up on her choking issues. The upset it caused me was severe. I was inconsolable to the point that my guide had to tell me it wasn’t real – twice. It gives me an idea of how my mom’s death may affect me. Ugh. I do think of her as my safe place/person. Life won’t be the same without her.

Dysphagia is a possible diagnosis. My mom’s isn’t severe (thankfully) but she should be checked out so that they can rule out certain causes. Dysphagia isn’t uncommon with the elderly but could become worse over time. My mom told me that she is already changing the way she eats and drinks for fear of choking. She says she holds liquids in her mouth before swallowing now, especially coffee. She is being very careful, but still it is worrisome.

Visiting the Montezuma Waterfalls

My SIL took me on an unforgettable hike to the Montezuma Waterfalls in Montezuma, Costa Rica. There are three waterfalls in all with the first two being the largest. The first waterfall is easy to get to but getting to the other two is much more challenging if you access them from the first waterfall trail, which is what we did.

Here is a link to more information about the trails, saving me from writing the details myself: Montezuma Waterfalls.

My Experience

As those of you who have been following my blog for some time know, I have experience hiking and running trails of various difficulty levels. This trail, however, is not for the inexperienced! Even the first part of the trail will challenge you, especially novices. If you have any physical disability I suggest you find another way to the falls. If you are just out of shape, be prepared to struggle, especially if you hike it in the wet season, which we did. You will likely get wet. You will probably slip on the rocks. You will probably get dirty. Wear shoes that can get wet and have good tread. Wearing a swimsuit is a good idea, too, since the hike will make you sweaty and hot and there are deep pools of water to swim in when you reach each of the three waterfalls.

The most challenging part of the trail for me was the second half of the trail leading to the two upper waterfalls. It is a steep, almost vertical trail composed of mostly roots and mud with various ropes near the top to assist. It is not for people who are afraid of heights! You will get a full body workout that’s for sure. I laughed and said we were “lunge climbing” because you often have to put your foot on sections that will put it in line with your shoulder. The ropes near the top are a must since you need to put all your weight on them to get to the very top where the trail levels off and follows the ridge to the other waterfalls.

From the top of the trail it gets easier but there are more sections with rope assists along the way. At one point you can stop at an overlook and see the two lower waterfalls from above. It is spectacular! There is no trail to the second waterfall. Most people access it by jumping from the upper waterfall, about 50 feet. Not for me! lol

When you get to the top waterfall you can rest and swim in a deep pool. The top waterfall is not as impressive as the other two but it is beautiful regardless. This is where we found most people lounging and swimming. We moved on, climbing up to the top of the last waterfall and going further upstream where we encountered various smaller waterfalls and pools. We stopped and got in the water when we stopped encountering people.

I waded out into one of the pools and felt numerous fish bumping into me. It freaked me out so I got out and sat with my feet in the water. This is when I got to see the fish. They looked like minnows, about three inches or so long. I saw one “bumping” into me. I soon realized he was looking for a snack because I felt a pinprick bite! I didn’t put my feet or body in those pools of water after that. Were they tiny piranhas? IDK but I wasn’t planning to find out! I sat in a place where the water was running fast and did not experience anymore “bites”.

On the hike back we took an alternative route rather than climb down that vertical portion of the trail. My SIL took me to some stairs that led to a much easier path down. We did have to pay $1000 colones each ($1.60 USD), but it was worth it.

Dinner in Montezuma

Afterward, we walked into the town of Montezuma and found a nice beachside restaurant to have dinner. We then walked around and shopped a while. I haven’t had time to buy souvenirs, so this was the perfect time to do so. Next we had some gelato at a local ice cream shop. Finally, we stopped at a grocery store to get some items.

The grocery stores in Cabuya don’t have many options, so we always take advantage of larger grocery stores when we go into a bigger town. While in the store I paid for a French couple’s food. I just felt like doing it and the man looked at me in shock and asked, “Why??” I said, “Because I want to.” He hesitated and then let me buy his items. It felt good! I told him to “pay it forward” and he agreed he would. Afterward, he and his friends talked to us a while and thanked me again.

We then caught a cab and headed home. The cost for a cab to Montezuma to Cabuya is $5,000 colones, so not bad at all. While on the way home, the driver suddenly stopped. A man and his girlfriend were standing next to his motorbike which was on its side in a mud puddle. The man seemed confused but he was otherwise okay. They had wrecked but we didn’t see it happen. We offered to let them share our cab but they refused. So, we followed behind them to make sure the man was okay to drive. He seemed to be.

The next morning we were both somewhat sore and stiff. The following day we were both complaining that our entire bodies were aching. That vertical climb was the cause, I’m sure! lol

So, if you ever find yourself around Montezuma, Costa Rica, definitely check out the waterfalls. You don’t have to take the path up to the top two waterfalls me and my SIL did, though. You can linger at the bottom waterfall or take one of the other two options for a fee (stairs or canopy bridge).

Pura Vida

I’ve been in Cabuya, Costa Rica since June 19th. My specific location is at Resurrection Ranch which is part of Horse Spirit Healing, a place created by my SIL whose specialty is Equine Gestalt Therapy.

My first impressions of Costa Rica were mixed. While the place is beautiful and tropical, San Jose was a typical, bustling city with an energy to match. They are under Covid restrictions which restrict travel and require masks among other things.

The first obvious difference was transportation. Rental cars were in short demand and apparently only high end models are automatic transmission. We witnessed a US couple walk away after discovering the car they reserved was manual transmission and no other cars were available. The models of cars were also different with many being older models from the US, most from the early 2000’s or earlier.

While our hotel was nice, it was not long before I began to see how the lifestyle here is very different from the US. You are lucky if you find a place with a/c and hot water. We had both, but the hot water took so long that I gave up on waiting for it. The a/c worked but made such a horrid sound that I opted to just turn it off. The sun rises around 5:30am and sets around 6:30-7pm. This doesn’t change throughout the year because there are no seasons really except for “rainy” and “dry”. The temps are also pretty consistent – humid and in the 80’s. Most Costa Ricans just don’t use a/c because the nights are pretty comfortable in the mid-70’s in most places. I hear the mountains get much cooler, though.

The drive to Cabuya took around 5hours and we had to get on a ferry to go to the peninsula. The roads were of good quality and navigation was not a problem. There were iguana crossing signs all over, which I thought was funny. I was grateful my husband is fluent in Spanish because there were tolls to be paid, about 5-6 total, on the way and the ferry tickets to be purchased. I know some Spanish but not enough to get into details, just enough to ask directions and prices, etc.

Once in Cabuya the reality of this place and just how “pura” it is was unavoidable. Cabuya is very rural and towns are not like ours, not by a longshot. A town is mostly just people with businesses from their homes along the roads. You only know you have entered a smaller town because of the sign.

Our accommodations were provided by my SIL who rents 400 acres and three cabanas. Our cabana was 2 bedrooms. It did have a/c (yay!) but the other amenities were sparse. The houses are built very simply and doors and windows are not sealed so every bug can enter and exit, and they do! Every morning it looked like the bugs had a party as the floors were covered in dead ones and excrement, carcasses, and ants or spiders or centipedes. Geckos hung out inside and chirped all night and day.

We had no hot water and no oven or microwave or really any more modern conveniences. It is like we were glamping (in an RV) but inside a house. The stove, had there been one, would have been tiny. Coffee makers are a luxury. Most people live outside on their porches during the day and into the night. Some have beds outside and are quite expansive. The kitchen I have now has no windows, just wire “screens”. Their washing machines are different, too, with one side to wash and the other to rinse and spin. If you want hot water to clean the clothes you have to boil it. There are no dryers used. They just hang the clothes outside. I discovered this is the norm. Everyone lives like this.

It took me most of the week to get use to living like this and now I am perfectly fine with it. I did not had any issues sleeping which was nice!

The weather was another surprise. We came in the rainy season and the storms sound like hurricanes when they blow through. With a tin roof I was sure the house would blow away, but it didn’t. I have since grown use to this, too.

The 80 degree weather feels like 90 or more. The humidity is killer and I grateful that I packed mostly tank tops and gym shorts that dry quickly and are made for high amounts of sweat. If I’m not wearing that I am wearing a bikini top with shorts (mine is like a half tankini). It makes it easier to just strip down and get in some water to cool down.

The activities we participated in were not planned. My SIL wanted us to meet and be with the herd, so we did lots of that. We also took advantage of a pool and restaurant across the road which also had a great beach. The only drawback of the beaches here is there are lots of volcanic rocks and stones which can cut your feet. The kids usually opted for the pool as did I but we did go into the ocean a few times. The water was also very dirty so when you got out you had to rinse off well or a piece of the sea would go home with you.

The flora and fauna constantly surprise me. The sounds never end and there are some odd ones! The frog sounds scared me at first but now I am use to them. They do not sound like any frog I’ve ever heard! The first morning, howler monkeys were close and I was thoroughly freaked out. If you’ve ever seen the movie I Am Legend, the sounds are like the infected. I immediately thought of that movie when I heard it. Not a nice sound to wake up to! I have sense gotten use to it, too.

There are also critters on the tin roof and fruits falling with a loud bang. Iguanas are the main visitors making scratching sounds that kinda freaked me out at first because I didn’t know what it was. The loud bangs from fruits falling in the night often wake me up. It sounds like someone kicking in the door.

Other things I’ve noticed: cell phone and data coverage are limited, everyone uses What’s App, the stores have limited food items but do carry some US stuff at extreme prices, fruit is everywhere so you just go outside and pick what you want (mangoes mostly). There are lots of naked toddlers as it is normal to just let them run around naked. People also let their kids (and pets) wander. The cars/bikes won’t stop for you so don’t get in their way. Going barefoot is common. There are land crabs that come into the house and crawl up the walls (ick!). The monkeys will throw their feces at you (hahaha). The natives here are called Tico. Most speak some English. You can go to “town” and get pretty much any food item that nature provides and then some – beer, honey, milk, jams/jellies, baked goods, chocolate, etc. There is even a local woman who does nails! Another local is coming to give me a massage on Sunday and there is a woman who teaches acupuncture. The store milk goes bad quickly so I drink almond milk but you can buy it fresh from someone in town. They do take US dollars but you will get their money back. Not many people smoke but drinking is common and drunk people not unusual. lol There is a “town drunk”. Ylang Ylang trees are native and the scent is intoxicating (I want one!). There are lots of Americans who have transplanted here as well as people from other countries. I met an India man yesterday and someone from the UK recently as well. It is not unusual to find someone just hanging out for months or years without ever getting residency.

I may write another post about the horse healing at a later date when I have time. Since I decided to stay on for three more weeks I should get around to it, but I’ve been focusing on being lazy and inactive since my family went back to the US.

Below are some images of my trip. The images of the cabana are of the one I am currently living in – one bedroom, no a/c or hot water and kitchen that allows all kinds of critters inside (land crabs for one).

A Tough Two Weeks and Dream: We Are God

The last two weeks were full of visitors and activity. I am just now feeling the crazy energy settle (to be replaced by more crazy energy lol). Here is what I’ve been through and why I was feeling so frazzled:

My brother arrived from Arizona two weeks ago, Monday, and we went out for pizza with him, my mom and step-dad. It was a 40 minute drive to the restaurant during rush hour but the place was nice and calm and the kids enjoyed it. 

The next day my brother arrived unannounced to our house around noon. My husband had told me my brother wasn’t coming until the next day, so I was surprised and unprepared. I hate it when people don’t give me a heads up that they will be visiting! I hadn’t slept well the night before because allergies kept me awake, so his visit was not at an ideal time. Turns out, his intention was to stay the night, so I prepped my room for him and moved my stuff into my sons’ room.

My husband came home early from work and took him on a tour of the business which gave me time to clean the house and tidy up. When they returned home my husband wanted us to all go out to eat, so that’s what we did. Then my husband and brother stayed up late playing chess while I got the kids to bed. I retreated to my boys’ room to sleep because I was exhausted. Turns out, I couldn’t sleep because I could hear them playing chess downstairs. It was past midnight when their game ended. Then I was just wide awake, tossing and turning all night. 

The next morning they were all up at the crack of dawn and so, of course, was I.

As is usual with my brother, he decided to leave earlier than planned. I don’t know why he does this but it feels like he wants us to plan activities for him and such but since we didn’t have anything planned (because he didn’t give us a heads up), he opted to just go back to my mom’s and then head back to AZ early. I could feel his expectations of me, but I just didn’t have the energy to drive him into Austin to visit spiritual shops, etc, which is what he wanted to do. Had I had sleep I would’ve, but even then, I had to work. Now had I had time to prepare it all would’ve gone much smoother. Lesson: Tell people you’re coming for a visit so they can prepare!!! However, I doubt he will do that in the future. Sigh. 

Relieved that maybe I would get some sleep that night, I went about my day only to get a phone call from my husband that he was going to pick up some friends from the airport and wanted to take them all out to eat. I figured, “Why not? I’m already so tired that it won’t matter anyway.” I had that weird feeling in my head that I get when I need sleep and I knew that I would get a second wind soon, which did happen. So, another night out to eat with a group, and on top of that a sleepover because one girl was going to South Padre with the family that weekend. 

I did sleep better but struggled to get to sleep from all the energy I absorbed from the evening. Then I was awakened early by everyone preparing to go to South Padre. 

When I got out of bed, I went downstairs and felt a bit jealous because I would miss out on the beach (I love the beach). I had opted to stay home for my sanity, though, and because our dog Monty needed someone to watch him. At the last minute I decided I should go anyway and bring the dog. When I got to the van I heard my youngest crying and saw him in the back seat looking very unhappy. I asked what was wrong and he said he felt sick. I told him to come inside. My husband followed and our son puked all over him and the floor. Sooooo, he stayed home with me. Turns out he had thrown up twice that morning already but was pretending to be okay so he could go on the trip. Poor guy.

Thankfully, he did not throw up again and by the evening was able to eat a full meal and keep it down.

The next day, feeling bad for my littlest, I decided to drive him to South Padre so he wouldn’t miss out. I had to take our dog with us because the drive is six hours and there was no way I was driving back the same day. Unfortunately, a storm system had rolled in and it rained almost continually the entire drive. I hate driving on the highway as it is, but add in rain and low visibility and I tense up and stress out. What was even worse was that toward the middle of the drive we got caught in a horrible downpour that lasted 32 miles! It was so bad that we passed several wrecks and at times many cars in the median stuck in mud. Water was standing on the interstate increasing the likelihood of hydroplane. I drove at 45mph through the whole thing as people zoomed by me, many of those cars ended up stuck in the ditch.

The one cool thing about this awful portion of the drive was that I knew where the storm would end. I kept asking my guidance to help me relax and Knew the exact place the rain would stop. When we got to the exchange and headed south (when the rain was suppose to stop) it was still raining and I worried I would be stuck driving slow the rest of the trip. Then, suddenly I said aloud to my son, “The rain will stop soon”. I relaxed and started eating a snack. Within a minute or so, the rain slowed and light appeared ahead as the clouds parted. I laughed and told my son I manifested the end of the rain. lol There was no more rain the rest of the drive.

We arrived just past noon and my exhaustion had me in zombie mode. I didn’t sleep well that night (surprise) but took a short walk on the beach the next morning. I left for home mid-morning but it was much more pleasant a drive with no issues. The entire drive my third-eye was blazing. Not sure why but maybe from lack of sleep.

The activities are not over. My SIL is hosting a young girl for a few weeks and, like the Generator she is, feels she has to fill every minute of this girl’s day with activities. Tomorrow we go to an indoor water park. Today was suppose to be Six Flags but my daughter got in trouble and so I cancelled it. My SIL has been trying to go around me to get the trip to happen anyway and my husband was helping her! This, BTW, is typical. These Generator busy-bodies never stop! Thankfully, it is raining today (thunder and lightning) so my SIL and husband will have to just deal and do Six Flags another weekend. Daughter remains effectively “grounded” (which she should) and I get to rest a bit before another hectic day tomorrow (rain or shine).

And just for fun – this was posted on a store window in South Padre. Love it!

Dream: We Are God

Early this morning I was awakened by a guide who was close and on my right. When I felt him near, I felt a familiar energy, a draw to him like the Kundalini connections I’ve had. He acknowledged this and then asked me a bunch of questions. I can’t recall them now because I fell asleep while talking to him, but I do remember opening a book entitled, “How to be Whole” When I opened the pages there was text about it but I became too aware and the text faded. I knew my guide was telling me that my purpose here was Wholeness and to not give up because I was very close. 

When I fell asleep I was in a car (life path) driving (in control). My kids were in the back seat and the road was familiar. I kept zoning out through the drive only to come back to the car scene in a panic and unable to see clearly. A voice reassured me that all would be okay and to surrender to the experience. This is similar to experiences I’ve had while driving, specifically when my crown opens up and communication comes through. I always feel like I am dreaming and I can’t recall driving my car at all. Yet I always reach my destination. In the dream I kept worrying about the car wrecking but would always find it driving itself. 

At one point in the dream I was transported to a scene where I was riding a horse (freedom) with a group. Everyone stopped and dismounted. Someone asked me about my horse because it was a specific breed that needed a handler who knew what they were doing. I told them I was permitted to travel alone and was more than capable of handling the horse. The horse did odd things, turning his head sideways and showing his teeth and trying to bite me. The horse had the name of my heart connection, which was odd, and I mentioned how he was provided for me for a specific reason. I remember feeling very close to the horse and knowing his personality. His bites were love bites and he never intended to harm me.

Then I was in my grandmother’s house with my mom. I still had the weird open crown feeling and was phasing in and out of my car that I was still driving. I received a text message about “How to be a God” and looked down at it in surprise. I wanted to show my mom because the information was profound. I only recall now that the message was saying how we are all God. My mom didn’t believe me, so I showed her my phone. There was this huge chart that upon first impression looked like a chart of all the known demons in the world. But upon closer inspection, the images looked like Egyptian inscriptions. I showed her and she gave me this look like I was crazy. I then showed her an “artifact”. It was something small, round and gold. I said, “If I told you this was created by God, you would believe that it was Divine and cherish it.” Then I switched it to my left hand and said, “If I told you this was created by a man who revolutionized education, you would reject it because he was ‘just a man’. The reality is you will only recognize and give importance to those things that others tell you came from God.” When I said this (or something like it) I became very lucid because I knew what I was saying was Truth. I believe I said, “We are all God” as I began to wake up.

When I awoke I knew it perfectly described my mom. So often I present her with ideas and information that goes against her religious upbringing. She acknowledges what I tell her, sometimes even to the point of saying it makes more sense than what she was taught, but she always goes back to what the church and her parents taught her. Ultimately, she rejects anything that is not from the Bible. Because she does this, she limits herself and her growth.

The dream left me feeling sad for humanity because, like my mom, humanity is eager to believe what is fed to them and are easily controlled because of this. Humans don’t believe they are special so much so that to tell them they are God is unbelievable. God is something beyond Knowing. God is an all-powerful Being that lives “in the sky” (or heaven but somewhere we can’t get to and can’t know/see) and judges whether we humans are worthy or not. As long as humans believe someone/something else is in control, we will never rise above and free ourselves from this self-created trap we find ourselves in. 

Snowmaggedon 2021

We are on day 4 of what I am calling “Snowmeggedon” here in Texas. The entire state is and has been under a Winter Strom Warning.

We Texans just aren’t use to this nor are we prepared. Our power grid is experiencing outages and because of that our water treatment facilities also experienced power loss. As a result, the water pressure is really low and some people have lost water altogether. There is a boil water notice in effect, also. Natural gas is another issue but so far I’ve not heard of any outages. Many places are 100% electric and don’t even have fire places, so when the power goes they have no way to boil water and they can’t just turn on the oven to heat a small area of their home. With temperatures in the single digits this is a miserable experience!

There are over 200,000 people in the Austin area without power, most since early Monday morning.

Somehow my family home and our entire subdivision has been spared while homes and businesses around us have been without power for 2 days and most also don’t have water. Our water pressure has been low, but today it is higher, which is good news!

My husband and I walked to area gas stations to try and purchase eggs yesterday. We encountered mobs of people, most buying up water and whatever food items they could find. The grocery stores in our area were either closed or limiting entry to only a few people at at time with wait times exceeding an hour.

As we walked to the store, a van slide sideways on the slick roads and block traffic. He got stuck on black ice and couldn’t move. A Sherriff deputy just happened to drive by. He stopped and my husband and the deputy helped get the van moving. It was surprising how many people were on the roads!

When we got inside a convenience store it was so full you could barely move. Concerns over Corona virus went out the window, that is for sure! Another convenience store made people wait outside in a long line and another one locked its doors despite being open. Many of the gas pumps are closed because people have been buying up gas to keep their cars running so they can charge phones and get a reprieve from the cold. Some people are working remotely out of their cars!

My BIL and SIL’s family, who live about a mile from us, lost power and water over 24 hours ago. They arrived at our home yesterday afternoon and are still here. They heard this morning that their power has been restored but they are waiting to make sure it stays on. They still do not have water. We are happy they came because my BIL went grocery shopping the day before the winter storm hit, so they had many things we didn’t. We are low on eggs, milk, bread and fresh veggies and they brought over 3 dozen eggs, milk and other child-friendly foods we needed. Our house is very full right now – a total of 6 kids and 4 adults! And I just heard my husband and BIL invite their brother and his family over to stay if they can make it. They’ve been without power since Monday. Not sure how that would work but I think we can make room if we have to.

Early this morning we got sleet and rain which has made everything turn to frozen slush. The temps are close to 30 degrees but the trees are now bending under the weight of a second layer of ice. This does not bode well for those without power – or those who still have it!

Only about one or two days before the warmer weather is here. We’re hoping it is sooner rather than later.

Here are some pics to give you an idea of what it is like here in Central Texas. There are pics of the day the snow fell as well as pics from today when the roads are more slushy. The pic of the white truck is from the day of the snowfall. I helped him get unstuck.:

Just now my husband came in and told me he is going to drive to our business to check on it. As of this morning I cannot remotely connect to my work computer. It is likely power went out and is still out, but if it is on then my husband will reboot the server and do whatever is needed to allow us to work from home. He is also going to take his chainsaw and cut some firewood for people he knows who need it. We long ago ran out because we gave ours away to friends and neighbors. Knowing my husband, he will likely bring back people to stay at our house. lol I am okay with it as long as it is not some stranger he met on the street!

Two more days, maybe three. We can do this, Texas!

Exit 2020, Enter 2021

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Wishing you all a blessed New Year.

The featured image of this post reminds me of one of the darkest times in my life. The best description would be that I was in the midst of a Dark Night of the Soul. I wanted to give up. My guides seemingly went quiet except for one time. I wanted them to tell me what to do. I could see nothing ahead of me. All was black and depressing. There was no way out, I thought. My guide whispered, “Just put one foot in front of the other.”

Later, after following this advice, I was able to break through the darkness.

For those of you who have struggled in 2020, I wish I could say 2021 will provide the light you are seeking, but I can’t. All I can advise is what my guide once advised me. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, you will see the light again.

What will you be doing during the last week of 2020?

Trip to Montana

My family and I are about to embark on an adventure. For my children, it will be a week of many firsts. Their first time on a plane. Their first memories of snow. Their first time skiing. Their first view of the magnificent Rocky Mountains (The Bridger Mountains to be specific). Their first time visiting Montana. And probably many other firsts besides these.

For me, I will spend this last week visiting my past, or what I like to call, “My first life”. I haven’t been to Montana in winter since 1999/2000. I haven’t been to my old college stomping grounds since then either. My research revealed that a lot has changed in the town of Bozeman in the 20 years since I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree (yes, exactly 20 years!). It isn’t so tiny anymore, that’s for sure! Yet still, it would be consider tiny to most. I don’t know yet what lies ahead. Healing? Release? Expansion? Gratitude? Joy? Maybe all of the above and more – I hope.

My memories of my time there are wrought with anxiety. The snowy, ice packed, winter roads caused me much distress. As a Texan I was just not prepared for winter driving and even after four years of practice I often drove gripping the steering wheel, fighting mental images of getting stuck in a ditch without any way of contacting help. To give you an idea of just how anxious driving made me, I turned down a good job because I couldn’t confront the idea of the long commute during the winter months.

Other memories consist of my time with my ex and his family, regrets at how I treated them and how I let my anxiety and need for control destroy the very relationships that supported me during this time in my life. The entire time, I was surrounded by nature’s beauty, an awe-inspiring, breathtaking array of Mountains, foothills and wildlife. Yet I very rarely took the time to really appreciate it. The times I did allow myself to breathe in the beauty and magnificence of the place I lived are some of my most precious memories of my time there.

One memory I have that has now become my favorite was on a hunting trip to the outskirts of Yellowstone. My ex was always hunting and had the goal of killing a six point elk. He succeeded on this trip but we got caught in the mountains in the dark and were forced to spend the night. We had no tents, no supplies for camping – nothing. I remember laying in the sage on the mountainside trying to sleep but being blown away by the night sky in all its glory. The air, the smells, the sensations, all remain vivid in my memory. It was spectacular! I can STILL feel all of it as if it was yesterday.

Those are the memories I want to keep. The others, well, they are lessons learned and I hope to share the good parts with my husband and children this week. I want them to see what I often did not, to know the world is glorious and full of wonder if only we would take the time to really SEE and appreciate it.

I will certainly share photos upon our return as well as any lessons and healing experiences I may have.

The Full Story

Hope you all had a great Easter holiday with family. I took my children to my mom’s house where we had a nice meal, hunted for eggs and went swimming. It was in the mid-80’s so nice and warm, though the water was pretty cold and we ended up in the hot tub more than the pool.

Since we were near our old house, we went to investigate the renovations. The house was open and cleared out so we did a walk through. The entire upstairs had been gutted, leaving only the beams and outer walls. The fire had most obviously stayed in the attic area because almost all of the damage was in the roof.

 

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Overall the damage to the house didn’t upset me but my daughter and oldest son were a little disturbed. Both of them remember the house from their childhood so it, of course, would be upsetting.

The Full Story

Both my step-father and later my husband would tell me the full story as given to them by the wife of the man who died. The night of his suicide the wife had opted to not sleep in the bed with her husband because of a long-time upset of him not sleeping in the bed with her. Instead he would work through the night in a type of mania. They had been trying to reconcile their relationship since Christmas and he had been doing well, going to counseling and meeting all her demands, but he had started slacking. So that evening when she took her stuff to sleep downstairs he asked her, “Are you sleeping downstairs.” She replied she was and told him, “You made your bed, now sleep in it.”

This set him off and he drank an entire bottle of wine while muttering and writing all over the walls and the bed sheets. He was blaming his wife for everything he had done and would do. He pulled all her clothes down from the closet and put them in a pile on the floor. She had just bought them and he thought she was trying to find a new man. He stood over them holding matches as he accused her of cheating on him.

She stayed downstairs most of the time and he would sometimes yell, “Is this really what you want?” And she would say, “Of course not. Come downstairs and lets talk about it.” But he refused and got more and more erratic. At one point he disconnected the internet so that she could not use it.

She took the pistol and hid it and later went up to check on him. He mentioned to her about the pistol and then pulled the shotgun out from under the bed. He knelt down on the floor with it, barrel up and looked at her, saying, “Is this what you want?” Then he discharged it into the ceiling. Fearing he intended a murder suicide, she got out of there as quickly as she could, grabbed the house phone and went outside. She called 911 as she hid in the bushes.

Outside she waited as the 911 operator talked to her. Through a window she saw her husband go downstairs with the shotgun in his hands. That was the last time she saw him. She did not hear it when he shot himself in the head but she did hear the fire alarms when the fire was set.

911 called out SWAT and they arrived first and one of them took her far from the house. Then the fire truck arrived but by then most of the upstairs had been destroyed by the fire.

Later, the men looking through the rubble found her husband’s phone under the pile of burned clothes he had lit on fire. She got the phone in working condition and then found over 4 hours of voice recordings from that night. She also found texts he had sent to family before he died telling them, “Listen to the recording”. There were older texts with a friend who had suggested she might be cheating on him.

She later found out that he had switched his life insurance plan from her being the sole beneficiary to her and four other family members. He did this while with family over the Christmas holiday. This might suggest that he intended to kill himself all the way back then and might have had a suicide plan ahead of time.

The night he killed himself he took the dogs downstairs (they had four) and then set fire to her clothes in the closet. He then positioned himself so that his body would fall into the fire after he shot himself. He created his own funeral pyre. The official cause of death was by gunshot, not fire.

Idea

The wife does not intend to live in the house again. She was advised to repair the damage and put the house on the market. I suggested to my husband that we buy it back. He is about to get a huge promotion allowing us to afford two mortgages if we chose. So I figure why not buy it back? So my husband spoke to the owner and she said she would consider selling it to us, we just don’t know if she will offer it to us before she puts it on the market or if she will make us wait and compete with other offers. If she chooses the latter and there is a bidding war, we likely won’t have a chance.

Based upon what my husband told me, she seems most interested in making a profit off the property. He says she was very bitter toward her husband and angry that he changed the life insurance and put her in the position of having to deal with a damaged house. So while I would love to return to our old home, the odds do not look to be in our favor unless we somehow end up getting enough cash to buy it outright (which is not impossible).

Other News

Almost a week ago now, my children found a baby dove wrapped in tissue in a planter along the sidewalk. We rescued him and have been feeding and caring for him ever since. He is thriving and getting bigger and stronger every day. He was just getting feathers when we found him. He now has full feathered wings and almost full feathers on the rest of his body. We call him “Birdy” and he lives in a cardboard box as his “nest”. Soon he will be trying to fly and be out of the nest, though. It is just a matter of time.

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I kind of see this little bird as a message but it is hard to say exactly if he represents anything, really. It is just a feeling. I suspect that by the time we release him that it will be symbolic of a similar transformation being complete for me. I have often received messages of how I am like a baby bird who eventually must eventually learn to fly and leave the nest. Perhaps some phase is soon to come to an end? We’ll see, I guess.

Dove Symbolism and Meaning:

  • Love
  • Grace
  • Promise
  • Devotion
  • Divinity
  • Holiness
  • Sacrifice
  • Maternal
  • Ascension
  • Messenger
  • Hopefulness
  • Purification

 

 

 

 

Oahu, Hawaii Trip

It’s been three days since we returned from Hawaii. The jet lag has been the worst! I am still recovering but at least today I don’t feel half-asleep and zoned out.

Day 1

We spent all day on a plane. The first flight was delayed. When we got to San Francisco we had to sprint to our next flight which was then…delayed. lol We arrived in Oahu around 11:30pm local time. We arrived at the hotel around 12:30am. I don’t know when I got to sleep but I didn’t get much sleep – maybe 3 hours.

Day 2

My husband woke early and brought me breakfast in the room, which was really nice because I was beat. We immediately went to explore Oahu in the rental car and headed to Halona Blowhole and Makapuu Lighthouse. The blowhole was spectacular as was the lighthouse. Sadly, the hike up to the lighthouse was rough on me. I got light headed and dizzy and had a near panic attack halfway up. I almost didn’t keep on but after a bit of rest I recovered and continued. I was happy I did because we got to see an amazing rainbow and the lookout at the top was even better.

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We continued to drive for a bit to check out what the local scene had to offer. We stopped at a local restaurant and had Hawaii food and then traveled to Diamond Head State Monument. Sadly it was crowded and I was feeling off again so we went back to the hotel to rest. I honestly don’t remember much after that. I think I fell asleep the minute I got into bed.

Day 3

The day began with a sales meeting and then lunch at a local diner. After we got back to the hotel I was still exhausted so lay in bed while my husband went swimming in the ocean. When he returned we had lunch and headed to Manoa Falls, a 150 foot waterfall. It was spectacular! Thankfully I did not suffer any panic attacks or weird exhaustion along the hike.

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That evening I was feeling good enough to go out, so we walked along Waikiki beach and had dinner in a nice restaurant. I ordered a drink while waiting for my meal and the alcohol was too much for me. I nearly passed out and had a panic attack waiting for my food. It was the worst! I was unable to keep my eyes open and felt completely wiped out. Being in public brought on the panic. When we got back to the hotel I settled and again fell asleep almost immediately.

Day 4

I started the morning with a deep tissue massage and facial. It was awesome and just what I needed. Afterward we headed to Diamond Head State Monument which is on top of a massive crater. The hike was long and steep and I had to take frequent breaks. Again, I began to feel panicky and almost turned around but I kept going. Again I was rewarded with spectacular views.

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When we got back to the hotel we went out to a very fancy restaurant. I ordered a glass of wine (cautiously) and was not ill affected. When we got back to the room I was not exhausted and actually struggled to fall asleep. Considering our flight was early and we had to wake at 4:00am, this lack of sleep was unwanted.

Day 5

This was another full day of travel. I did better than the flight in, stayed hydrated and made sure to move around more while in the plane. My back ached by the time we landed in Texas but I felt ten times better than when we landed in Oahu.

Travel across four times zones does not agree with me anymore. When I was in my 20s I did tons of traveling and never experienced jet lag like this! The side effects of travel this time make me never want to fly such distances again. Never in my life have I been so tired as to nearly pass out while on my feet. This induced panic, of course, because it was so unfamiliar and I was around large crowds of people. I probably should have gone to the beach instead of hiking steep trails!

My favorite part of this trip were the magnificent Banyan trees.

 

 

Literal Head-On Collision

Yesterday was a crazy day.

My daughter and I were out back-to-school shopping most of the afternoon. My husband had taken our two youngest and two other children to the water park.

My daughter and I went to Schlotsky’s for dinner and short break from shopping. Mid-way through dinner my husband called me. He told me that I needed to come pick them up. He said he had hit his head and felt like he was going to throw up. He was asking me questions and telling me the names of our children as if to remind himself of who he was.

At the time I thought he was playing a prank. He is known for such things. So I played along, answering his repeated questions and telling him that I thought he was playing a joke on me. Eventually, though, after he repeated himself more than a few times and kept saying, “I’m scared. I’m scared”,  I asked him to put our son on the phone. When I talked to our son and asked him what was going on with his dad he said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with daddy.” Then I asked him to tell me what happened. He said that he and daddy bumped heads and that his head was hurting and started to cry on the phone. I told him to give the phone back to his dad. My husband continued to repeat himself, asking me to come get them. I told him to put a park employee on the phone but before he could do that I received a phone call from the mother of one of the kids that was with them. When I switched lines, my husband hung up on me.

When I called back, my husband picked up and I told him what the mother had told me. I asked if he could be home soon and he said, “Yes ma’am.” I realized it was not my husband talking to me but whoever it was put the phone down. I listened in for a while and realized my husband was talking to someone about a head injury. I was positive then that he had not been joking around with me and that something serious had happened.

We left the restaurant. In the car I called back and my husband picked up the phone but handed it over to someone right away. A paramedic got on the phone and told me that my husband had a head injury but the eye test indicated he was okay. However, they wanted me to come pick him up because they didn’t want him to drive.

Then I received another phone call from the mother and she told me the paramedics had called her, too. She said she would meet me at the park.

When we arrived at the park I checked in and waited for them to escort me back to my husband. I called the mother to see if she had arrived and she had. She told me that she would watch our kids because the paramedics were going to take my husband to the E.R. She said my husband was repeating himself and I laughed it off saying it was normal. She said, “This is not normal.”

Inside the park my husband was in good spirits. He was smiling and chatty, walking around looking like he had just won a prize. The paramedics were around him and one approached me and informed me again that he thought my husband had a concussion from an accident where he and my son collided. He suggested I take him to the E.R. and explained why. Thankfully my son was okay.

Ultimately, I could not decide whether to take my husband to the E.R. He didn’t want to go and he can be very resistant and overpowering and I didn’t want to risk that. I called his brother and his brother suggested we wait and see and that he would meet me there. When I discussed this with the paramedic he said that would be okay considering the eye test administered and my husband’s overall condition, but that we should take him to the E.R. if he gets worse.

When my BIL arrived we met him up at the front. My husband talked the entire time, repeating the same questions over and over again. We lingered at the front for a while with my BIL. My husband was really happy and talking a mile a minute, repeating himself and asking questions about things that just happened that were not accident related. I took a video of him telling what he remembered, it turned out to be a good idea because later my husband watched this video over and over again, fascinated that he could not remember any of it.

When we got home he seemed to be regaining memory of events after the incident. He also remembered events prior to it. He began to calm down, too, and started acting more like himself.

This morning he woke me up asking, “Where is the Mazda?” We had left it at the water park and he had forgotten. At first I was worried but as we talked more I realized he was just trying to put together what memories he had of last night and some he still could not locate. He told me he struggled to sleep and opted to work in the middle of the night. I thought it not a good idea but he said he remembered everything about work perfectly, that it is only the event itself and some time after that he couldn’t remember.

Despite my telling him to rest and take it easy, my husband insisted on going for a bike ride this morning with our neighbor. He has always been restless and one to not handle downtime well. He told me he is fascinated with his loss of memory. He views it like a puzzle that needs to be solved.

We are still not completely sure what happened. They were on a non-water slide at the park, one called “speed” something. You lay down on your stomach on a mat and go down a very high and long slide. My son, his cousin and my husband all went down at the same time in different lanes. At some point my son crossed paths with my husband and they hit heads. My nephew witnessed it and said my son got up at the end of his ride and walked across my husband’s lane which is when they collided. My husband only remembers using his feet to try and slow down before the impact.

The water park gave us free tickets and was very apologetic. I am not sure but I think there was suppose to be someone at the end of the slide observing so that accidents like that did’t happen. So they are concerned we might sue them, which is not our intention.

My son is completely fine this morning. He told me he had been crying last night because he felt responsible for his dad getting hurt. Otherwise, my son has no aches or pains or injuries from the collision.

I am still a bit worried about my husband. He seemed like a little kid last night, excited and full of curiosity. This morning he is calmer but still a bit “off”. Peseverating (repeating ones self) is common with concussion but it was/is still disconcerting and he was asking the same questions he asked me last night.