A Poem

Not a usual thing for me, I know, but poetry seemed appropriate at this time. Sometimes there is just so much emotion and too few words.

The Dream that Persists

Ease is what I wish
yet resistance is what I find.
How to allow and be at peace
through this troubling time
is heavy on my mind.

My heart is where I need to be
yet within it pain hides.
Fear of a deepening despair
taking me out with the tide. 
An undercurrent is all I find.

If only I could recover the trust
in what my heart tells me.
Where once it resided is empty
demolished by what was unseen.
What’s left is beyond repair.

Even my dreams offer no counsel;
silence from without and within.
Asking me to feel the sorrow
so I can feel the love again.
It’s just too much for me to bear.

I wish I could open the window
to my heart like I once did.
But I’ve locked it on purpose
afraid the pain will come again.
Yet I outstretch my hand…

Have I been forgotten?
Has it all been in vain?
If only I had known
I’d have avoided this pain.
Tell me you understand…

If this is all an illusion
why does it feel so real?
Bound by contracts forgotten
Unheard my every appeal.
Tell me you feel it, too…

Through the veil I feel peace
reaching through to take my hand.
Yet I feel undeserving
preferring another reprimand.
The rewards seem so few.

Yet I listen and find hope,
somehow it still exists
in this darkened space by that window
to the dream that persists.

A Mother’s Reflection on Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, grandmothers, and mother figures out there. I wanted to take time to reflect on my mother experience this lifetime and celebrate my three children.

My Daughter

Adrian Rose – English name meaning “of the sea (Adriatic sea)” but I picked the name because I knew she wanted it.

Rising sign – Cancer
Sun sign – Taurus
Moon sign – Libra

Yesterday we celebrated my daughter’s ninth birthday. Her actual birthday is tomorrow, May 15th. Every year around her birthday I am reminded of how I celebrated Mother’s Day the day before I was admitted to the hospital and gave birth to her. And so I am also reminded of her birth and the gift she has been every day since.

Her entrance to this world was forced, though. I became very ill. Pre-eclamptic. This means my blood pressure was at unsafe levels. Stroke levels. If I remember correctly it was 165/98 or around there. This is abnormally high for me as my BP is usually 110/68. My doctor, God bless her, never indicated her worry, though I am sure she was. She remained calm even when she told me that my kidneys were dumping huge amounts of protein in my urine and that if I did not induce that day my kidneys would fail and then so would my other organs one-by-one. My husband insisted we not induce, so we waited 24 hours, hoping things would improve. They didn’t. I got worse. It was the only time my doctor looked nervous. I was so sick, so out of it, that I had no idea howadrian.jpg dire the situation was.

I don’t remember much of the birth. I was so sick that my mind was scattered and I was so pumped up with medications for the pre-eclampsia and epidural that most of my memory is fuzzy. I felt emotionally numb when I held her for the first time. The numbness lasted 9 months. My poor daughter never got to bond with me because of it and I felt unable to be her mother for reasons unknown to me. My daughter suffered with colic and an under developed digestive tract. We both took a long time to recover.

Yet as we emerged from the haze we connected and our relationship blossomed. I remember noticing when my daughter was first present in her body. I could see it in her eyes at around the 9 month mark. The same time when I emerged from my depression and numbness. In a sense, she really wasn’t born until then. It was like she waited for me.

We have a special bond now. I knew I would have her way back in my teens. I had her first name picked out when I was 19 and her middle name picked out when I was 26. I knew what she would look like because she visited me in Spirit for years before her birth. When she was in my tummy I knew her personality and she has lived up to it in every way. She is a girly girl. Loves dresses, make-up, dolls, etc. The exact opposite of me when I was her age. She is very cautious and coy but when she gets to know you she becomes a chatter box. She is strong willed like me, though, and has an explosive temper when she gets angry.

meandadrian

Me and my daughter in 2009

First Son

Orren – Celtic name that means “Little green one” (Leprechaun)  or “Of the trees”. He is the only one of my children with green eyes. 🙂

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Capricorn
Moon sign – Aries

Like my daughter, I knew about my son ahead of time. Unlike her, I did not choose a name until I knew I was pregnant. When I found his name I knew it, though, because I could sense his personality the minute I became pregnant with him.

My pregnancy was an easy one compared to my daughter. I experienced no sickness and felt wonderful. I had no pre-eclampisa, though my BP was high on the day of his birth. I went into labor early on January 11, 2011. I was hopeful his birthday would be 1-11-11 but he had other plans. He came just after midnight on the 12th. An accidental natural birth (epidural didn’t work) with a minor complication. My doctor brought in the NICU team because his heart rate was dropping to scary limits. Turns out he had an unnaturally short umbilical cord (less than 11 inches) and it was causing him orren.jpgdistress.

When he was put in my arms I cried happy tears. The natural birth was amazing and so memorable. I couldn’t sleep I was so ecstatic afterward and experienced a mother’s high for 6 weeks after his birth. I was in love with him and couldn’t stay away, my energy so high that sleep was unnecessary. His birth was how birth should be and I saw just how much I had missed with my daughter because of my illness.

My son has thus lived up to the personality I felt from him while he was in my womb. He is intense at times but very caring. He is always working to keep the peace and when his feelings get hurt he is quick to recover. Super social and agreeable, he is everyone’s friend. In fact, his teacher says he is friends with everyone in his class. He is very active and curious, too, to the point that if he is not focused on something he goes into an agony over being bored. He seems fearless in comparison to my daughter.

I was told by my guidance prior to his birth that he is my father reincarnated. My daughter confirmed this after his birth when she was 2.5 years old telling me, “He’s my grandfather, silly.” Interestingly, my mom and my son have a special bond. My mom being my father’s ex-wife, this makes complete sense.

Second Son

Elek – Hungarian name meaning “defender of mankind”.

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Aries
Moon sign – Aries

My second son was a surprise. Kinda. I knew about him but was in denial. I didn’t want anymore children. I was happy with my two and felt my family was complete. He had other ideas. Funny thing is that I said many times before I became pregnant, “If I have another child it will be a boy.”

It took a while to find his name. Once I did, though, it felt right. Unfortunately, I spent the first five months of my pregnancy with him in anger. Eventually I got over it. I cannot understand how any mother doesn’t fall in love with her child when they are in her womb. You can sense them, feel the love in every movement they make. You become instantly concerned for them, putting them first in every way. I took better care of myself when I was pregnant, especially with him.

I knew somehow that he would be breech months before it was apparent that he was not going to turn. I knew I would have a c-section, too. It was a scary prospect and part of why I was so angry in the beginning. I wanted another natural birth and was not going to get it. The unknown loomed in the distance. I worried for him and for me.

He decided to make his entrance a week before the c-section was scheduled. I went into labor on the 30th and my contractions were strong the next day at work making me have to check myself into the hospital. My BP was super low, though, and I felt really good considering. I had only gained 19 pounds with him, so never really felt pregnant.

I had an emergency c-section but it was somewhat planned. My doctor, the same one from my other two, was super supportive. She hugged me, held my hand and was just amazing. Nothing went wrong and within five hours of checking into the hospital I had my son in my arms. elek1

I had a scary first night, though. When I tried to sleep I would stop breathing. This was because they gave me morphine. I told them to stop but the effects kept me awake all night. I had hallucinations because of it the entire next day. I would be talking to family and end up talking to Spirit and saying nonsense things to my family. The whole time I could see other people in the room and was sure they were there, but they weren’t. It was like I was awake and dreaming at the same time. At one point in the night I felt Spirit lurking about near my sleeping son. He was not a nice one and I had to send him a warning. He left but it spooked me. I will never take morphine again if I can help it!

So far my youngest has lived up to his personality, too. He is a fireball but so very loving and snuggly. When he gets mad you better apologize or he will make you regret it. But he is also very forgiving and easy to please. So far he is not very social but more of a loner. He prefers to be with me or an adult to other children. He talks and talks, too, and seems to enjoy performing to get attention.

Motherhood

Becoming a mother has changed me for the better, no doubt about it. At first it was somewhat forced. I resisted big-time. I felt my freedom was being stolen from me and spent a good time grieving over this perceived loss. After my daughter was born I swore I would have no more children but eventually this lessened as she grew and I grew alongside her. It is true that the first born is the biggest teacher of them all. Neither has played their role and so many mistakes are made and so huge growth is the result.

Motherhood taught me unconditional love the hard way. The love is unlike any other. In itself the love changes all that it touches. You can’t help but be changed by it. My children made me a better person, a better daughter, a better wife, a better teacher, a better sister, a better listener. Better. They give me purpose, joy, future, promise, hope. I do not know who I would be had I not met my three children. I am grateful every day to have been blessed with their presence in my life.

three

Me and my three children in March, 2017 – Adrian, Elek and Orren.

My Mom and Grandmother

Being a mother also contributed to me finally understanding what my own mother must have gone through raising me and my two sisters. It takes one to know one, right? I have so much more respect for her and the role she played now. It is the same for my grandmother and the role she played in my life. As I watch my own mother in her role as grandmother to my children I see my grandmother in  her. It is so surreal in a sense to see how I have stepped into my mother’s role and she has stepped into her mother’s role.

threegenerations

November 2013

In memory of my grandmother who passed on May 4, 2014. Three generations – me, my mom and my grandmother. In this photo I am 6 months pregnant with my last child.

 

 

 

Just Imagine

I want you to imagine if you had access to all your memories at any time. A direct link to every moment of every day of your life in complete detail, no interference. Like a movie you could play over and over. How would you use it? How might it affect your reality?

There is a series on Netflix that I have come upon recently that has an episode you should watch. Well, actually I recommend the entire series but this particular episode really impacted me. The series is called Black Mirror. This episode, number 3 in season 1, is set sometime during the future where everyone has a chip inserted behind their ears that records every moment of every day of their lives. They can play moments from their lives anytime they want both on screens in their eyes and for anyone to see on television screens.

Let me know what you think. 🙂

Cabbage Soup

Remember I mentioned my yummy cabbage soup? Well, figured I would share my recipe for it since I’m sure you love cabbage! hahaha I know, it’s not the most favored of veggies but it provides massive amounts of vitamins K & C. A veggie with a punch!

I stumbled across the cabbage soup diet when I was searching for a good cleanse that didn’t starve me to death. I wasn’t into losing weight or fat, so I just took a cabbage soup recipe I liked (there are tons online) and tweaked it. BTW it does serve as an awesome detox/cleanse. I’ve used it many times with great results.

Cabbage Soup

Ingredients

1/4 cup butter
3 cloves of garlic, minced
3 large carrots, sliced
1 large white onion, chopped
4 stalks of celery, sliced
1 container sliced fresh mushrooms
1/2 head of green cabbage, chopped
3 medium potatoes, chopped into 1 inch cubes(peel on or off)
1 large turkey kielbasa, sliced (optional)
2 vegetable bouillon cubes
2 Tbsp parsley (fresh is better)
1 Tbsp ground coriander
1 tsp salt or to taste
1 tsp pepper or to taste
8 cups water

Directions

Chop all the veggies ahead of time and set aside.

In large stock pot melt 1/4 cup of butter and cook celery, mushrooms, garlic and chopped onions until onions are translucent. Add the spices and then add the cabbage, carrots and potatoes. The cabbage should fill the pot so if you didn’t chop enough, don’t worry you can add more once you add the liquid.

Add 8 cups of water and the bouillon. Bring to a boil and then simmer for 30 minutes or until cabbage is translucent.

If you like meat, my favorite thing to do is add some sliced turkey kielbasa. Just toss it in when you are cooking the celery and onions. My kids always fight over the sausage in the soup. 🙂

Crock Pot Recipe

Same ingredients as above without the butter. Just toss it all in and cook on low for 6-8 hours. If you like butter, then you can saute the onions, celery and mushrooms (and sausage) beforehand. I am lazy so I skip that step. lol You can also try substituting onion soup mix for the seasoning.

Fish Soup Alternative

This can also be made into a yummy fish soup recipe. Cook it all up (minus the potatoes) and substitute 1 head of Bok Choy for the green cabbage. You will also saute the Bok Choy, with the onions, celery and carrots. Add liquid and bouillon. Bring to a boil and simmer until carrots are soft. Then bring it back to a boil. Drop 4 frozen tilapia filets one at a time into the soup. The fish will thaw and cook within 5-8 minutes.

My family loves this version of the soup. When I first made it I was trying the GAPS diet and fish soup was one of the recipes. We have been fans ever since.

Pumpkin Protein Bars

Remember how I have been all into food? Well, happy people eat, and so I AM.

I’ve always been into “clean eating”, which just basically means eat good, natural foods and stay away from processed food. This means I make dinner every night from scratch (or try to) and make snacks the same way. One of my favorite go-to snacks is the protein bar. I’ve experimented with all kinds and found one recently by accident that is a winner all around. Sharing it with you in case you want to join me in a little healthy self-indulgence!

pumpkin-bars

Image from glutenfreedaddy.com

Pumpkin Protein Bars

Modified from the original recipe found on Gluten Free Daddy.

This was modified on accident, actually. I didn’t read the recipe correctly and ended up adding a whole can of pumpkin and forgetting the baking powder. This turned these bars into a very, yummy pumpkin-pie-like bar that makes it very hard to eat just one. My accidental modification turned out to be the BEST snacking bar I have ever made. Problem? I can’t keep the rest of my family away from them. It being gluten free is an accident, too. We like gluten! 🙂

Ingredients
  • 1 Cup Oat Flour
  • 1 ½ scoops Vanilla Protein Powder
  • ½ tsp Salt
  • 2 tsp Cinnamon
  • ¼ tsp Allspice
  • ¼ tsp Ground Ginger
  • 1/2 Cup Stevia or Splenda (you can do 1/3c brown sugar as well)
  • 3 Eggs
  • 1 15oz Can Pumpkin Puree
  • 1 tsp Vanilla
  • ½ Cup Pecans or Walnuts, chopped (optional)
  • ½ Cup White or Dark Chocolate Chips, melted (optional)
Instructions
  • Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease an 8×8 glass baking dish.
  • Instructions from original recipe say mix wet and dry ingredients separately and then combine. I just toss it all in and mix. No need to go in any order! 🙂 It honestly makes no difference – try it and see for yourself.
  • Bake for 35 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. They will be the consistency of pumpkin pie. Yum! Drizzle with white chocolate if you want but I don’t do that. It is fine just the way it is.

Since it has whey protein in it you have to keep it refrigerated. It should keep for up to a week, if it lasts that long. I haven’t tried freezing them but they should freeze well.

 

Day #7

Today is the final day of my gratefulness challenge. I will continue to count my blessings as part of my daily, morning routine but I won’t be blogging about them anymore. I have found that in focusing on my blessings daily my mood is boosted, especially when I am thinking about those things. However, once those things pass from my mind, the boost in my mood is lost. I have concluded that in order to maintain a more positive outlook, one should purposefully focus on those things for which they are grateful throughout the day, making a habit of it.

Today I am grateful for:

  • Being a woman. Not only is the female physical form the more attractive of the sexes (to me anyway), but it offers up so much more in the way of experience than that of the male physical form. The experience of carrying a child in my womb, of giving birth, and of becoming a mother is one I will always cherish. There is nothing more beautiful in this world than the connection/bond between mother and child. I remember when I was pregnant with my last child. Though it had been accidental, I cherished every moment of that pregnancy from his first movements and kicks to the intuitive connection I had with him even while he was in my womb. The female body changes, blooms/blossoms along with the growing baby. I was my most beautiful when I was pregnant.
  • My five senses and what they allow me to experience via this physical body. When I think of all the senses, my most favorite is the sense of touch. My memories from childhood and other cherished moments in my life come first as a sensation of touch and the intimacy that comes with it. After that the sense of hearing would be my next most cherished perception. Followed by taste, smell and sight. I rank sight as last because there is so much more to be seen than the physical eyes allows. This may sound crazy, but in this life I have often wished to be blind at times so as to not be distracted by what my physical eyes perceive. I feel that if I lost my sight, I would be forced to rely on my inner vision, which is far superior.
  • The Kundalini. I wasn’t sure I would include the Kundalini in my list but upon considering it, I must say that it’s activation has changed me far more than any spiritual experience I have had to date. I do not regret the experience of it nor do I wish it to go away. I eagerly await its return because each time it visits (or should I say she?) I am changed for the better.
  • Life. I am ALIVE and grateful to be so.
  • The Earth and all she provides. In my memories of before and between lives I see Earth from a distance. I have also viewed Earth from space while OOB. Every time I see her I am overcome with love for her. She is so beautiful, so unique, so perfect. She can be soft, gentle and nurturing but she can also be brutal and cruel. She is the epitome of duality. And as I type this I am reminded of how similar she is to the Kundalini and I know it is because the Kundalini is alive and active in her as much as it is in me. The Kundalini has taught me that we, the Earth and I, are connected; One.