Slammed

It’s been a rough few days. The intestinal issues I mentioned in my last post have made it very uncomfortable for me. Then yesterday I woke with an awful sore throat that plagued me all day. The only relief came when I took some Ibuprofen and Loperamide toward bedtime.

When I woke this morning the sore throat was back with a vengeance but the intestinal issues have subsided somewhat. I suspect it is a virus now, though at first I thought otherwise. My youngest showed symptoms yesterday which changed my mind. However, having two viruses at the same time is no picnic. I hate being sick!

Along with my illness I’ve had my children home more than usual because the weather got very cold and icy Monday into Tuesday. School was closed Tuesday after a three-day weekend. My children ended up with some cabin fever – fighting, bickering, etc. I think I handled it well considering my condition.

The same time the icy weather showed our downstairs heater decided not to turn on. Thankfully it was resolved by a reset but my husband took his time because he likes using the fireplace. So I was cold, sick and dealing with grumpy kids. Hahaha

platy

Platies 🙂

To add to the fun, this morning I found that our fish aquarium filter had overflowed onto the wood floor under the aquarium. The wood was already showing signs of warping. This means now all three areas in our downstairs wood floor have water damage. A full replacement will be required at some point. The good news is that while vacuuming up the water I noticed a tiny baby fish swimming around. Upon inspection I found at least two. Looks like our Platies reproduced and some survived! 🙂

GAPS Diet

With the first signs of my intestinal issues I felt that I should return to the GAPS diet. I have been slow at getting started because of feeling so ill, but I was able to do a full day of the diet yesterday with good results. I plan to continue following the diet today.

This was what was on the menu yesterday:

Breakfast – Coconut pancakes, Kefir smoothie, coffee, egg whites with cheese, fresh carrot beet juice.

Lunch – Homemade butternut squash soup with sour cream, homemade almond rosemary-thyme crackers, roasted vegetables.

Dinner – GAPS chicken nuggets, baby kale salad with avocado and cucumber, lemon juice as the dressing, coconut pancake, roasted vegetables.

Top left – butternut squash soup. Left middle – roasted veggies. Left bottom – almond rosemary-thyme crackers. Large pic – dinner last night.

Staying on the GAPS diet is a lot of work so I doubt I will do it long-term. It requires I cook and shop frequently which is not always feasible. However, if my body continues to be moody and the intestinal issues don’t resolve I may end up just having to stick to the GAPS regardless. We’ll see what happens.

Dream: Sham

I have been sleeping light, waking every few hours from dreams.

The first dream I recall was early in the night. I remember meeting up with my ex-husband and him giving me some green, licorice looking “candy” (seeking a reprieve) that I requested. It was actually marijuana candy. I ate it and waited for the effects to kick in.

Then I was walking along suburban streets in the early hours of the morning. A Hispanic family was walking around looking for discarded “trash” that could be used or sold for a profit. They had with them their 9 year-old son who would wake early and help them scrounge for things every morning before school. I remember saying hello and then looking down at my feet at rope (connection/attachment to others) and various sets of keys (access) they left on the road. I left them there being careful not to step on anything.

Eventually, I made it “home” only it was unfamiliar. I walked up the sidewalk to the front door but had to climb small, wooden stairs (higher level of understanding) and almost fell because one of the rails was loose. The house was a mobile home (feeling insignificant or unappreciated) and quite nice and I remember knowing that it had been made to look expensive so as to keep up with all the other families in the neighborhood.

Inside, I noticed how nice everything was, especially the kitchen. Stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops. Lots of money and attention put into it. I remember thinking the wooden floors of the mobile home would not be able to hold it forever – not a solid foundation. I knew it (the house, the family) was all a sham.

Dream: In Labor

In this dream I kept feeling pains in my stomach and knew I was in labor (anticipation of hard work ahead). I informed my husband and he rushed to get me into a black SUV and to the hospital. The entire time I could feel the labor pains like waves through my abdomen and back. It was very realistic but muted just enough to keep me from waking.

It seemed to take forever but we arrived at a hospital, only it didn’t look like one. A woman who was very obviously pregnant, was waiting inside the room. She was smiling and said, “How far along are you?” I said, “38-39 weeks.” She asked me if it was normal for me to go into labor early and I said, “Yes, usually around 38-39 weeks.” I could still feel the labor pains and felt like someone was checking me. The woman kept smiling, her belly so huge I wondered how she hadn’t popped yet.

Eventually I was told that I was not in labor. The pregnant woman gave me the news. She said, “The twins aren’t ready to come yet. Still another few weeks.” She was referring to her own babies but I knew she also meant my baby was not coming yet. I was disappointed but accepted it as fact without any upset.

I woke suddenly from this dream and wondered if the pain in the dream had been bleed-through from my physical body. Maybe my stomach had been cramping in my sleep? But I had no pain when I woke up.

 

 

 

 

 

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Updates and Dreams

Just some updates on the mundane aspects of my life. Nothing too exciting but in my Blogger blog I have been writing quite a bit more on such topics than here on WP. If you haven’t been reading that blog then you may not be aware of some of what I am about to update.

I am halfway through my NASM course and finding it harder and harder to stay interested. The course pace is slow compared to how quickly I work on my own and that is the main reason for my loss in interest. Not much else to say about this topic.

I have been struggling for almost two months now with horrible hormonal acne around both sides of my mouth. The antibiotics I was prescribed worked but then began to run out prior to getting another prescription. So the spots started recurring and I am having to go through the whole process of healing again.

When I say “horrible” compared to others struggling with acne it is really not that bad, but to me it is horrible because it is worse then the acne I had as a teenager. When I was a teenager I use to cry about my complexion and had some bad experiences with mean girls in high school picking on me for the one or two spots I would get around my monthly cycle. So having these kinds of breakouts at my current age is a miserable experience for me. I just want to feel on the outside as beautiful as I feel on the inside. I believe it is a life lesson on vanity and I am making progress. So even though I still get upset by the way my face looks I am able to suck it up and just take a deep breath and move on. I just remind myself that it is temporary, no one notices but me and no one cares really. Besides, when I look back on memories of my life I can’t recall what my complexion was like in any memory. So if I don’t recall it even if at the time it was upsetting then it is not a big deal in the big scheme of things.

Regardless, I don’t want to look like a teenager with skin issues and though it is not a consistent issue for me it is enough that I am FED UP. My dermatologist has been trying to get me back on birth control from the get-go because the location of the breakouts suggests it is all hormonal. I do not disagree but I got nasty migraines from BC in 2011 so stopped taking them and swore I wouldn’t take them again. Plus, with my tubes tied I don’t need to take them now. I have tried all kinds of natural remedies with some success but even those are not working now. I have run out of options and it comes down to the question of which is worse, taking antibiotics for months at a time or taking BC? Honestly, I think the antibiotics are the worse of the two evils. So I will be starting BC this week and keeping my fingers crossed that I do not suffer from the migraines I got in 2011. If I do get migraines I can’t take the BC and have to go back to the drawing board.

On top of the skin issues I cracked my one and only crown last weekend and so am headed in today to get it looked at. It doesn’t hurt but it was scary when it happened because I heard it crack. I’ve since had visions of my teeth cracking and falling out. Not a fun thing to imagine! I got the crown prior to getting braces and have had no issues but I suspect that it was cracked over the four days I had no braces and no retainer. I likely clenched or ground my teeth in my sleep and fractured it then so when I flossed it finished the job. I hate the dentist and am already anxious about having them drilled off the old crown and set the new one. I am also scared they will find several other cracked teeth and that I will need more crowns. If that is the case I wish they would just knock me out for the procedures rather than me sit there tense for over an hour. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Add to all of the above a sore throat and it is no fun being me right now. It is not a bad sore throat but it is bothersome and the first sign of illness since June.

I’ve been having the urge to cut off all my hair again, too. Not sure why but I did cut it all off in 2014 and it was a relief not to have to do anything with my hair. I didn’t look bad either but I did look older. My hair is super thick and unruly and a pain to keep up with even when long. It grows fast and is an ugly color (IMO) and so the upkeep can be expensive and a PIA. When it is short I still have to cut it frequently but that is it and all I have to do when I wake up is put my fingers through it and go about my day. It is SO tempting to just chop it all off. I may just settled on cutting some bangs, though, because my daughter would cry if I cut it again. lol

As for my diet and exercise goals not much to talk about. Monday I woke knowing I needed to take a break from all running and weight training so that is what I am doing. Interesting it was yesterday evening when the sore throat began. It is not good to overdo it when sick so it works out well. I have been extra tired, depressed, unmotivated and not having any wins so it is likely I have overdone it anyway. My last run of 6.25 miles was a struggle and should not have been. In fact, most of my runs over the last couple of weeks have been slower and more tiring than usual. All of this points to REST. So be it.

Monty is doing okay but my youngest has it out for him and I have to watch him like a hawk. This morning he dumped the entire box of treats for Monty to eat and I had to work fast to avoid a sick puppy. Monty is still not potty trained either. I blame that on so many people being involved, a toddler who is constantly letting him into the living area and house and very little help from anyone but my daughter. He is 10 weeks old today and there is still time but I am losing hope and thinking he may end up an outside dog. 😦

elekmonty

Monty sleeping in Elek’s car seat with Elek. 

Spiritual Update

Not much to talk about here really. Most of my guidance is via my dreams or a silent Knowing. The message has been to focus on healing and request assistance. So I have been asking for assistance prior to bed and I believe it is helping.

Prior to bed last night I asked for assistance and healing. I specifically requested that I lucid dream and go OOB more frequently, experience more instances of Divine Love and friendship, have more Kundalini bliss or other spiritual interesting experiences. We’ll see what, if anything, comes from my request.

Dream: 44

In this dream I was having a discussion with a man who I called, “David”. In the dream I kept thinking of him as an ex-boyfriend by that same name only he preferred to be called “Dave”. Our discussion was about “retirement” (transition, end of stage, need to retire something) but I can only recall snippets of what was said. I remember saying that I felt to retire at so young an age would be looked down upon by others and was worried of being criticized. He said to me, “You can retire at any age.” The specific career path we were discussing was teaching/education.

When we were having this discussion I saw the number 44 floating in the air as it was mentioned. I remember thinking it was David’s age, yet a part of me was certain this was incorrect. Ultimately, this inner-disagreement over his age is what woke me up.

When I woke up I was still thinking of my ex and how there was no way he was 44 years old because when we were dating I was 29 and he was 36. That would mean he would be 48 years old now, not 44.

I lingered in bed suddenly remembering the entirety of the time I dated Dave – probably around 3 months. He was the only Scorpio I ever dated and one of the few men I met via a free online dating service. I met him right before I moved to Austin and got a job, toward the end of a nasty depression/low-point in my life while I was briefly living with my mom.

It was amazing to me just how much I recalled and I assume now the dream was meant to direct me to inspect that time in my life. Upon inspection I realized that I knew early on in my relationship with him that it would lead nowhere but I stayed because I didn’t want to be alone. When he broke up with me (yep him with me) I got furious and vindictive, which is very unlike me. In retrospect I realized I was angry at myself for not following my instincts and being “weak”. I was also angry at the universe for the obvious message that I was meant to be alone/independent at that time in my life.

Dream: Memory Spheres

In this dream I walked into a classroom to observe. This classroom was not inside a building but on the edge of a beautiful mountain yet there was a sense that it had walls that could not be seen – like an invisible boundary.

I went up to a desk near the teacher’s desk and sat down. A little black girl, hair all braided and neat, came and looked at me oddly. I asked her, “Is this your desk?” She nodded that it was. I told her it was the best desk in the room because from it one could see the entire classroom. She disagreed for she felt the desk to be her “punishment”.

There is dream memory loss here but eventually I was sitting facing up the mountain next to the girl and a male friend of hers. She was upset over feeling taken advantage of and used. This caused her to be very angry and defensive with people leading to problems in her life. I began to counsel her on how to handle her emotions. I showed her how to take her memories and push them out of her, form them into a sphere and then project all the emotions that went with the memories into the sphere. I formed a sphere for her and pushed it in her direction. I said, “Now you can make it any color you want. Then put all the emotion into it.” She struggled, saying, “I can’t” because there was so much memory and so much emotion. I suggested she section off the memories. I remember explaining to another person that this little girl was struggling with memories from lifetimes of being a slave. She objected to this at first because she presently was not a slave but then reconsidered as it became clear that “slavery” can be defined in more than one way.

The spheres we were working with were very vivid, the energy within them very much “alive” and the emotion placed within them tangible. When I tried to create my own energy sphere in the dream I could not, though. I assume it is because I had the same issues as the little girl – too much memory and emotion for just one sphere to contain. Yet I understood that once free of the emotion I could view the memories “objectively” and ultimately learn the lessons they were meant to teach.

I also had memory of learning to create spheres of energy. Long ago I had a dream/OBE in which I was creating energy spheres. It seems this dream was a continuation of that.

Dream: Fun Run

I was walking outside the gym of a school when someone told me there was to be a “fun run” and asked if I was going to join. I said I would and then began talking with the students, most of the male. We mostly spoke of music and I remember holding a large, computer-like screen in my hand while listening to various tracks. One guy was listening in and showed interest in a particular song. I remember liking it but noting it was too slow – 137bpm. I changed the music to something faster. The student then asked me if I was going to take the large screen on my run and I told him I had Bluetooth headphones.

As we were preparing to start the run (pursuit of one’s goals) we went inside the gym (application of lessons learned) and somehow I ended up on a large ship (need to release emotion) and nearly fell off. It was odd to me that there was a ship inside the gym but I accepted it as normal.

As we began to run we encountered various wild animals that were threatening. I remember seeing all kinds but not being deterred by them. Someone said to me as they ran past, “The animals are illusions meant to slow you down. Don’t let them.”

I topped a hill that morphed into the top of a very steep cliff (at critical moment in life, considering life-altering decision) that fell straight down. By this time I felt to be flying more than running. I saw many animals in my path all coming for me with great speed. One in particular was a large cougar/mountain lion (anger, aggression, raw emotion). It was huge and snarling but I just stepped on it’s head as I floated over it. It did not disappear like an illusion should but I had no fear.

I remember checking my watch and noting that I had run 3.5 miles and had yet to complete the “Fun Run”.

Last Night

Last night I had a lucid dream sometime in the early morning. I lost memory of most of it now but I had been flying and smoking pot. lol There was a mountain scene that materialized out of nowhere with a message about physicality but I only remember now that it had to do with being aware of how one’s thoughts affect the present moment.

The most vivid dream memory I have this morning was of being in a classroom full of kids. Two girls from high school were talking about another classmate’s children and I asked a question about how many kids he had. They both looked at me rudely without talking and I felt their judgement strongly just as I had felt it in high school. Later, another classmate came in and started giving me orders, telling me I was to watch the kids in the class. I told her it was not my assignment and refused to do it, walking out of the room mumbling how I had not gotten sleep for three nights in a row from being woken at 4am every night. I went to the lounge to get a much needed cup of coffee and a woman introduced me to a man and said I was to work with him on donations. I got furious because no one had asked me and I had never agreed to doing any of it. I began to tell her that I was done with school, that I had already graduated and did not need to be there anyway. I knew when I was saying this that graduation was three weeks away but I didn’t care.

 

Meet Monty

The trip south of San Antonio was a long one but we got there by 7pm last night. The place was way out in the country and they had more dogs than I could count running this way and that. The mini-Aussie is so much smaller than a standard Aussie that their size caught me off guard. I almost backed out but I didn’t want to disappoint my kids. Plus we had driven 2.5 hours through traffic to get there. The father of the litter of pups was so handsome and reserved and his energy was wonderful, so much so that my middle son asked, “Can we get this one?” LOL

It took the kids a while to pick the one they wanted. I wanted the one that was too young (of course) but since this dog is not just mine I let the group decide and they opted for a very out-going, friendly one that kept jumping toward them when they came near.

Montana

The trip home only took 1.5 hours because there was no traffic so we got home before 10pm. The puppy did well considering it was his first long car ride. He only whimpered a little and the kids all three sat in the back seat with him on their lap. They are over the moon in love with him. Even now I hear them downstairs talking and playing with him. He will not be bored by our family, that is for sure!

We considered names as we drove home. My husband kept saying, “Barlow” and I had a name pop into my head – Gunther. So I joked around the whole trip that his new name would be “Gunther Barlow” – “Gunner” for short. LOL I actually liked it because it sounded like some kind of musician or celebrity name to me. hehe Plus, my ex-husband’s nickname is Gunner and I thought it suited a pet’s name (no insult intended). I have been thinking of my ex and Montana lately because I have been thinking of Trooper and the time he was alive so that is why my ex-husband’s nickname was on my mind.

The puppy spent his first night in an extra large crate, Trooper’s old one. He was not happy in it and cried of course. He started out in my daughter’s room but within 5 minutes she was begging me to take him out because he was too loud. So I took him downstairs in the spot we created for him in the laundry room that’s connected to our kitchen. He spent the night in there and we couldn’t hear his cries. I know he stopped crying within 30 minutes though because I could not sleep again. I was up until 1:30am this time. 😦

This morning when I woke up I was thinking of the little puppy and wondering about a name. I thought, “Montana on my Mind” and then knew his name – Monty. When I went downstairs the entire family was at the park with him (sun barely up) so I joined them. When I got there I told them the name and the kids all loved it and immediately started calling him Monty. So Monty he is. 🙂

Now begins potty training and training in general. So far the kids are very attentive to him and listening to my doggy rules for training. The rules are: 1. Whoever gets him from his crate/kennel must take him immediately outside to go potty (dogs won’t potty in their crate). 2. Always take him outside after he eats and don’t let him back in until he has done his business. 3. Someone must always be with him when he is inside the house and not in his kennel. 4. Take him outside every half hour or so to let him potty. 5. ALWAYS praise him when he goes potty outside. 6. Anytime we are not home he gets put in his kennel/crate.

So far so good. During the week all of the above rules will mainly be my job. Yay? lol

Personality-wise he seems to be very attention-seeking. He likes feet and tends to get right up under my feet as soon as he sees me. He likes being held and being close to a human body. He hasn’t been playing much but last night he found a dirty sock to play with almost immediately. When left on his own he follows us and does not wander far. So far he responds to us calling him pretty quickly. I was told (I didn’t see myself) that my husband’s already prepping him for his role of “running companion”. Monty ran with him and he was able to keep up for a short distance, too. Considering how small he is (can’t be more than 5lbs), that is impressive!

South Padre

I’m back from South Padre Island. And guess what? I was sick the entire time. Ha!  The first morning I woke up with the worst sore throat ever.  It felt like knives in my throat every time I swallowed and the pain shot up into both my ears. My solution was to go to the beach and ignore the pain in my throat. Yet I had gotten barely any sleep that night before. My heart rate was super high and the energy of the condo was strange and erratic. I swear I could sense the previous group who had occupied it. I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep. 😦

By afternoon my voice started to crack and by that night it was completely gone. GONE. Along with that my throat was getting worse and I had a headache.

I did get sleep that night at least, though the strange high energy was still present. When I woke my throat was a bit better but still hurting and my dreams were concerning. In them I was hiding from six dragons and planning my getaway. My guidance was advising me to not run and reminding me of my previous dealings with them which was to just calmly wait and let them devour me. The dragons were very brightly colored but I only remember the yellow one. The last thing I remember was watching all six of them surround a woman and eat her alive. Classic Kundalini dreams. What a way to wake up, huh?

My throat hurt all day but I did not let it get me down despite the laryngitis, headache and full-on congestion that accompanied it that day. I spent hours in the water but there was a really strong riptide and undertow and I got caught up in it more than once. It got to the point that I just opted to stay close to the beach. My daughter got caught in it, too, and I had to rescue her.

That evening my other BIL and SIL and their family came along with my SIL’s family to have dinner.  Since I couldn’t talk and felt so crappy it made more sense to avoid everyone so I stayed upstairs. I finally gave in and took some Ibuprofen that evening.

The next day, the final day, I woke up and my throat was only a bit raw but I was full of congestion. My voice was back, though a bit raspy. When I first woke the sun was just coming up and my nose was so runny that I could not return to sleep. So I jumped out of bed and ran to the beach to watch the sunrise still wearing my pajamas. lol I stayed there for an hour watching it. The beach was empty and the wind was calm. It was by far my favorite part of the trip.

Overall it was a good mini-vacation. Being sick was an inconvenience but it could have been much worse. I will take a sore throat over the stomach bug any day. Funny enough, not having a voice was actually a good thing. When I needed to communicate everyone got dead silent so they could hear me whisper to them, my kids included. Just goes to show how being loud is not necessarily the best way to be heard.

Here’s some pictures of the trip:

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A Poem

Not a usual thing for me, I know, but poetry seemed appropriate at this time. Sometimes there is just so much emotion and too few words.

The Dream that Persists

Ease is what I wish
yet resistance is what I find.
How to allow and be at peace
through this troubling time
is heavy on my mind.

My heart is where I need to be
yet within it pain hides.
Fear of a deepening despair
taking me out with the tide. 
An undercurrent is all I find.

If only I could recover the trust
in what my heart tells me.
Where once it resided is empty
demolished by what was unseen.
What’s left is beyond repair.

Even my dreams offer no counsel;
silence from without and within.
Asking me to feel the sorrow
so I can feel the love again.
It’s just too much for me to bear.

I wish I could open the window
to my heart like I once did.
But I’ve locked it on purpose
afraid the pain will come again.
Yet I outstretch my hand…

Have I been forgotten?
Has it all been in vain?
If only I had known
I’d have avoided this pain.
Tell me you understand…

If this is all an illusion
why does it feel so real?
Bound by contracts forgotten
Unheard my every appeal.
Tell me you feel it, too…

Through the veil I feel peace
reaching through to take my hand.
Yet I feel undeserving
preferring another reprimand.
The rewards seem so few.

Yet I listen and find hope,
somehow it still exists
in this darkened space by that window
to the dream that persists.

A Mother’s Reflection on Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, grandmothers, and mother figures out there. I wanted to take time to reflect on my mother experience this lifetime and celebrate my three children.

My Daughter

Adrian Rose – English name meaning “of the sea (Adriatic sea)” but I picked the name because I knew she wanted it.

Rising sign – Cancer
Sun sign – Taurus
Moon sign – Libra

Yesterday we celebrated my daughter’s ninth birthday. Her actual birthday is tomorrow, May 15th. Every year around her birthday I am reminded of how I celebrated Mother’s Day the day before I was admitted to the hospital and gave birth to her. And so I am also reminded of her birth and the gift she has been every day since.

Her entrance to this world was forced, though. I became very ill. Pre-eclamptic. This means my blood pressure was at unsafe levels. Stroke levels. If I remember correctly it was 165/98 or around there. This is abnormally high for me as my BP is usually 110/68. My doctor, God bless her, never indicated her worry, though I am sure she was. She remained calm even when she told me that my kidneys were dumping huge amounts of protein in my urine and that if I did not induce that day my kidneys would fail and then so would my other organs one-by-one. My husband insisted we not induce, so we waited 24 hours, hoping things would improve. They didn’t. I got worse. It was the only time my doctor looked nervous. I was so sick, so out of it, that I had no idea howadrian.jpg dire the situation was.

I don’t remember much of the birth. I was so sick that my mind was scattered and I was so pumped up with medications for the pre-eclampsia and epidural that most of my memory is fuzzy. I felt emotionally numb when I held her for the first time. The numbness lasted 9 months. My poor daughter never got to bond with me because of it and I felt unable to be her mother for reasons unknown to me. My daughter suffered with colic and an under developed digestive tract. We both took a long time to recover.

Yet as we emerged from the haze we connected and our relationship blossomed. I remember noticing when my daughter was first present in her body. I could see it in her eyes at around the 9 month mark. The same time when I emerged from my depression and numbness. In a sense, she really wasn’t born until then. It was like she waited for me.

We have a special bond now. I knew I would have her way back in my teens. I had her first name picked out when I was 19 and her middle name picked out when I was 26. I knew what she would look like because she visited me in Spirit for years before her birth. When she was in my tummy I knew her personality and she has lived up to it in every way. She is a girly girl. Loves dresses, make-up, dolls, etc. The exact opposite of me when I was her age. She is very cautious and coy but when she gets to know you she becomes a chatter box. She is strong willed like me, though, and has an explosive temper when she gets angry.

meandadrian

Me and my daughter in 2009

First Son

Orren – Celtic name that means “Little green one” (Leprechaun)  or “Of the trees”. He is the only one of my children with green eyes. 🙂

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Capricorn
Moon sign – Aries

Like my daughter, I knew about my son ahead of time. Unlike her, I did not choose a name until I knew I was pregnant. When I found his name I knew it, though, because I could sense his personality the minute I became pregnant with him.

My pregnancy was an easy one compared to my daughter. I experienced no sickness and felt wonderful. I had no pre-eclampisa, though my BP was high on the day of his birth. I went into labor early on January 11, 2011. I was hopeful his birthday would be 1-11-11 but he had other plans. He came just after midnight on the 12th. An accidental natural birth (epidural didn’t work) with a minor complication. My doctor brought in the NICU team because his heart rate was dropping to scary limits. Turns out he had an unnaturally short umbilical cord (less than 11 inches) and it was causing him orren.jpgdistress.

When he was put in my arms I cried happy tears. The natural birth was amazing and so memorable. I couldn’t sleep I was so ecstatic afterward and experienced a mother’s high for 6 weeks after his birth. I was in love with him and couldn’t stay away, my energy so high that sleep was unnecessary. His birth was how birth should be and I saw just how much I had missed with my daughter because of my illness.

My son has thus lived up to the personality I felt from him while he was in my womb. He is intense at times but very caring. He is always working to keep the peace and when his feelings get hurt he is quick to recover. Super social and agreeable, he is everyone’s friend. In fact, his teacher says he is friends with everyone in his class. He is very active and curious, too, to the point that if he is not focused on something he goes into an agony over being bored. He seems fearless in comparison to my daughter.

I was told by my guidance prior to his birth that he is my father reincarnated. My daughter confirmed this after his birth when she was 2.5 years old telling me, “He’s my grandfather, silly.” Interestingly, my mom and my son have a special bond. My mom being my father’s ex-wife, this makes complete sense.

Second Son

Elek – Hungarian name meaning “defender of mankind”.

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Aries
Moon sign – Aries

My second son was a surprise. Kinda. I knew about him but was in denial. I didn’t want anymore children. I was happy with my two and felt my family was complete. He had other ideas. Funny thing is that I said many times before I became pregnant, “If I have another child it will be a boy.”

It took a while to find his name. Once I did, though, it felt right. Unfortunately, I spent the first five months of my pregnancy with him in anger. Eventually I got over it. I cannot understand how any mother doesn’t fall in love with her child when they are in her womb. You can sense them, feel the love in every movement they make. You become instantly concerned for them, putting them first in every way. I took better care of myself when I was pregnant, especially with him.

I knew somehow that he would be breech months before it was apparent that he was not going to turn. I knew I would have a c-section, too. It was a scary prospect and part of why I was so angry in the beginning. I wanted another natural birth and was not going to get it. The unknown loomed in the distance. I worried for him and for me.

He decided to make his entrance a week before the c-section was scheduled. I went into labor on the 30th and my contractions were strong the next day at work making me have to check myself into the hospital. My BP was super low, though, and I felt really good considering. I had only gained 19 pounds with him, so never really felt pregnant.

I had an emergency c-section but it was somewhat planned. My doctor, the same one from my other two, was super supportive. She hugged me, held my hand and was just amazing. Nothing went wrong and within five hours of checking into the hospital I had my son in my arms. elek1

I had a scary first night, though. When I tried to sleep I would stop breathing. This was because they gave me morphine. I told them to stop but the effects kept me awake all night. I had hallucinations because of it the entire next day. I would be talking to family and end up talking to Spirit and saying nonsense things to my family. The whole time I could see other people in the room and was sure they were there, but they weren’t. It was like I was awake and dreaming at the same time. At one point in the night I felt Spirit lurking about near my sleeping son. He was not a nice one and I had to send him a warning. He left but it spooked me. I will never take morphine again if I can help it!

So far my youngest has lived up to his personality, too. He is a fireball but so very loving and snuggly. When he gets mad you better apologize or he will make you regret it. But he is also very forgiving and easy to please. So far he is not very social but more of a loner. He prefers to be with me or an adult to other children. He talks and talks, too, and seems to enjoy performing to get attention.

Motherhood

Becoming a mother has changed me for the better, no doubt about it. At first it was somewhat forced. I resisted big-time. I felt my freedom was being stolen from me and spent a good time grieving over this perceived loss. After my daughter was born I swore I would have no more children but eventually this lessened as she grew and I grew alongside her. It is true that the first born is the biggest teacher of them all. Neither has played their role and so many mistakes are made and so huge growth is the result.

Motherhood taught me unconditional love the hard way. The love is unlike any other. In itself the love changes all that it touches. You can’t help but be changed by it. My children made me a better person, a better daughter, a better wife, a better teacher, a better sister, a better listener. Better. They give me purpose, joy, future, promise, hope. I do not know who I would be had I not met my three children. I am grateful every day to have been blessed with their presence in my life.

three

Me and my three children in March, 2017 – Adrian, Elek and Orren.

My Mom and Grandmother

Being a mother also contributed to me finally understanding what my own mother must have gone through raising me and my two sisters. It takes one to know one, right? I have so much more respect for her and the role she played now. It is the same for my grandmother and the role she played in my life. As I watch my own mother in her role as grandmother to my children I see my grandmother in  her. It is so surreal in a sense to see how I have stepped into my mother’s role and she has stepped into her mother’s role.

threegenerations

November 2013

In memory of my grandmother who passed on May 4, 2014. Three generations – me, my mom and my grandmother. In this photo I am 6 months pregnant with my last child.