Celebrating Me

I decided at the last minute to participate in Litebeing’s Magnificent Challenge. The challenge is simply to write about your “you-ness”. You would think it an easy task, but for me, it is not because I have been trying to figure out who I am my entire life. ūüôā

Let’s start with the basics. In this physical form that which I am is composed of all the labels that have been given to me (and taken away). Some of the ones I identify most with are: mother, daughter, teacher, counselor, sibling, singer, writer, nature lover, animal lover, artist, loner, realist, helper, and wife. These are ones that identify my “roles” in life mainly- the ones you tend to answer with when someone asks you to tell them about yourself. These are the “expected” answers, and I, like a good little girl (woman) like to give what is expected (usually) and avoid the uncomfortable situations that result from a dose¬†of my reality.

There are also those identifying labels that tend to come up after you get to know me. Then you find out I am a Leo, knowledge-seeker, Lightworker, Wayshower, Gridworker, Gatekeeper, member of the GFL groundcrew, Volunteer,  Starseed, astral projector, walk-in, braided soul, medium, psychic, medical intuitive, traveler between worlds, explorer of other dimensions, Contactee, etc. Very few people ever meet this me in person. Many more know me only on-line.

But if you go deeper and toss the labels, it gets a lot harder to describe one’s self. How does one even do that? We are limited by human language and there is so much more to us than what we can verbalize.

So then, I will give you the sensory stuff along with who I have found myself to be outside the constraints of this physical form (meaning while OOB or experiencing altered states of consciousness not necessarily drug induced). My color is mostly golden with specks of blue, indigo and violet. This is lately Рwithin the last year. A few years ago it was primarily blue and green.

The sound would likely be a song of some sort, maybe an orchestra playing with colors and light flashing with each tone played (or heard since there would be no instruments really). Imagine seeing the sound. Yep. That’s how it would be. And the sound itself would be part of who you are, who I am. One and the same. Hard to imagine, but I have experienced it so I know it exists.

If you were to meet me in spiritual form I would likely come at you with everything I have. No holding back. You would get all of me whether you liked it or not. Honest, blunt, humorous yet with a more serious (task oriented) side when needed. I would not hesitate to play a joke on you or make a bet with you on one thing or another. But all of it would be full of love, in huge amounts. And acceptance. What I give to myself you would also get. Which is why it would be such a big, fantastic meeting. Right? ūüôā

The feeling on your side would be whiplash-like but would then calm down and you would likely laugh. So would I Рhysterically, especially when you do the same thing to me. Imagine a water balloon fight, only bigger.

Not sure about taste. Can you taste another Being? Probably. Thinking licorice here for some reason. Probably someone from my soul family played that joke on me once…lol But my favorite tastes would be peanut butter, cotton candy, and chocolate. Interesting combination that would be. ūüôā

And that’s just the five basic senses. All the other ones would be in there, too. The entire package is beautifully fantastic and free. That’s me without this body. Unrestrained, full of love, joy, acceptance and potential. I have touched her once. Briefly. That’s how I know she exists.

My entire life I have been the first me – the one living according to what society has labeled her and wants her to be. If you were to meet me under “normal”, 3D circumstances, you would never have any idea that the other me, the real me, existed underneath. I would keep my distance, follow the social norms and rules. I would feel out your energy before I allowed you to get any closer. Any indication that your words don’t match your intention (energy) and I would back off.

I think I prefer that you know the real me – the me who I am without this physical body. I prefer to know her – BE her – to somehow bring her through the body instead of keeping her hidden all the time. It’s hard, though. Hopefully I have done a good job introducing you to her. Now¬†I need to get to know her a bit better myself……to Remember. I’m working on it.







Woke at 3am upset. Fell back to sleep at 4am asking to project.


Found myself in the in-between hearing noises off. I heard an entire conversation between my husband and two youngest. I remember saying I was tired and worrying about having to get up for work soon. For some reason I was confused, thinking it was 2pm and that my MIL had not come to watch the kids so I had missed work. I recognized that none of what I was hearing or saying made any sense – I was in the midst of phasing and all I had to do was shift OOB.

I silently set the intent to go OOB and when I did, the conversation that was going on around me shifted and I was pushed and then pulled very forcefully from two directions. Being I was still thinking I was with my two youngest, I assumed they were playing and so laughed and responded, pushing back and sitting up. In retrospect I believe my guides were assisting me OOB.

My vision came on and the room was golden lit and bright. I was at my mom’s house, though, sitting on the ledge of the fireplace. As soon as my vision turned on I was up and moving around very quickly, assessing the scene. I flew up and hit the ceiling. Solid. Then bounced back down to land on the ground then was up again, floating over the kitchen. I saw my youngest on the floor by two open cabinet doors. The cabinets were empty and their contents nowhere to be seen. I said to him, “What happened? Did you do that?” and laughed. “Come on! Let’s go outside.” With this he flew up toward me but my vision blacked out. I stayed in the scene, though and did not shift out of it.

I flew up again and hit the ceiling. I knew I needed to get out of the area because that is where I originally entered. I still could not see and felt my energy begin to shift, my vibration falling. I didn’t want to leave so I paused and thought, “Calm down. Bring up your energy.” With that, my energy stabilized and my vision turned on again.

I saw my youngest running toward the door. I said, “Open the door! Open the door!” He opened it and I swooped down to join him, eager to go outside. There was trepidation here, though, because I have been stopped from going through doors recently while OOB. Again, my vision turned off.

Going through the door I expected to be greeted by my youngest who already exited but instead there was an adult there. He/she grabbed me and then it felt like my face was being attacked but in retrospect I realize it was a kiss but it felt energetic, not solid. I had visions of a black, scary, faceless monster¬†for some reason and quickly pushed it out of my mind. I said, “I know you’re ok. I’m not afraid.”

I felt myself destabilize and had to once again balance my energy and calm myself down. My eyes then were filled with light and my mother’s front yard came into view. I rushed out, feeling exceptionally free and looked up at the sky. I scanned it for a while, seeing only light gray cloud cover. ¬†A blonde, short-haired, older woman asked me, “What are you looking for?” I said, “The light. It’s hidden but I know it’s there. I can feel it.” That’s when I realized the woman with me had been the one who greeted me at the door and kissed me on the cheek.

I turned toward her and looked at her. She came close and held a card up in front of my face. It was a driver’s license but it did not have a photo on it. Instead it had a beautiful scene of a green, hilly place with a brilliant sun in the upper left hand corner. The name on the card said, “Hu”. I tried to take the card from her but she held it away. I said, “That looks like California. Whose drivers license is it? I want to see.” I saw the name “Hu” and in my mind I said, “Hu” with an “H” sound and then felt it should be more like “You” or maybe “Hugh”. I couldn’t figure it out but finally settled on “You”.

My vision blacked out again and I felt myself shifting so I had to once again settle down. The card had caught my attention as did the message and I thought too long and hard on it. I was able to balance again and when my vision returned the woman was close. I reached for her and hugged her. She said to me, “Do you know who I am?” My vision was suddenly very vivid and crisp and I saw her left ear from the vantage point of her shoulder (I was hugging her still). She was wearing a diamond stud earring and her skin indicated she was pretty old, maybe 60-70’s. Her hair was cropped short and blondish-gray and I was able to follower her jawline to her face. I was inspecting tiny blonde hairs on her face when my vision blacked out again.

I thought a bit on her question and then replied, “Katherine.” We were still hugging and she said to me, “Yes. One day, when little junior is all grown up, he will have a child. That child is me.” I suddenly felt very emotional and hugged her really, really tightly. I could feel her hugging me back warmly. I began to cry and the emotion of it shifted me back into the in-between where I stayed for some time recovering. The tears were not sad ones, they were joyful. In the in-between I could still feel her close.

I had many questions when I woke. Like, “Who is junior? We don’t have a junior.” Then I thought she must mean my youngest because his middle name is my husband’s first name. ¬†I thought of her name, too. Katherine. On my husband’s side of the family I know of two Katherine’s. My side I don’t know of any. Then I wondered if she was visiting from “the future” or if the person I saw was from the present yet to leave her body and transition into a new one. Finally, I was mad at myself for not asking more questions.

As for “Hu”, I guess it was my driver’s license indicating that the sun will shine again on my life some day. Hopefully not in California. I don’t want to live there. lol


My Asian Form

Interesting experience last night. I suspect it has to do with what my guides asked me a couple of nights ago, “Do you want to see yourself?”

Dream: Asian Woman

I don’t remember most of my dreams last night. However, at one point I became lucid in the midst of a dream. I did not take over control of the dream but instead continued to allow it to continue without interruption which is why I did not classify it as lucid.

I saw¬†a woman. I can’t remember if it was in the mirror or if I was seeing her as myself from the point of the observer. Whatever it was, I recognized her as myself and said aloud, “Oh yeah! I keep forgetting that I look this way.” The woman I saw was in all ways different from how I look now. She was very obviously Asian, petite, and somewhat plain but pretty nonetheless. Her cheekbones were extremely flat and her eyes, though slanted, were wide enough to not seem squinty.

I inspected her face for a long time, especially her eyes. It is times like these I wish I could draw human faces because if I could I would draw hers. I spent a long time Googling images and could not find a face that was similar enough.

While looking at her, I remembered being her, that I was/am her. There was a feeling of memory loss when I looked at her, like the dream stopped and I would shift into her and her lifetime. The shift was very disorienting and felt similar to how I feel when I enter a portal while OOB. The energy would intensify and I would feel to dematerialize. Then I would recognize what was happening and shift back. The shifts resulted in amnesia of my current life and the dreamstate.

The memories of this woman, this version of me, came only as her personality. Meek, modest, subordinate, passive and permissive, she did not question male authority and focused on her function within the family unit. She didn’t resent this role nor question it. Her focus was very much inward and introspective but she was also very loyal and took her feminine role very seriously. She had¬†much wisdom and humility. The feeling from her was that she had made peace with herself, life, and humanity, and had managed to achieve what I have not. I had nothing but respect for her.

There were flashes of memory amidst all of this but they make no sense to me now. It is like they were erased so that only the memory of the disassociation with my present lifetime and the visual of her face remain.

There is no doubt in my mind that this woman was/is me. In fact, the realization that hit me while in the dream was that my preferred appearance while in Spirit was this form. There is recognition now that I choose to appear as her because of what I achieved in that lifetime. I also knew she was of Mongolian heritage.

The most memorable part of her was her eyes. I was fixated upon them, staring deeply into them. I saw they were almost black, they were so dark, and the whites of the eyes had snowflake-like black shapes spreading outward from the iris toward the edge of the eye. Both sides had these snow-flake shapes. They sparkled like they were made of gemstones or crystals. I am not sure what they mean but they were distinct and fascinating to me. When I saw them I felt like this woman – I – was timeless.


I find this experience very interesting, mostly because never would I have thought that while I am out and about in the astral or between lives that I would choose such a form. I assumed always that I would be similar to how I look now – blonde, blue eyes. Yet, when I saw this woman I recognized her as me and Remembered that is how I look when not in a body (most of the time anyway). My guidance was close when I woke up and I asked them, “Is that what I look like?” I heard back, “We take many forms.” But I also got confirmation.

I have read that when we are no longer in human form that we often choose to appear as we did in a favorite lifetime. It could be that we learned a great deal in that lifetime or that we were happiest or even that we failed miserably in it. Whatever it is, we all have our favorites and so tend to wear that form to remind ourselves of our accomplishments and how far we have come. I am certain that this woman is not the only form I take, but the memory of the lifetime I spent as her says enough in itself to inform me of why I choose to look like her. There are many of her traits that I wish I could transfer to this lifetime. Most of them, actually. lol

There is a lifetime I once recalled only the briefest moments of. I was an Asian female but¬†I can’t recall the exact dates of that lifetime¬†now. The memory is of practicing playing the cello for hours upon hours to the point that my fingers would bleed. My father would insist I practice and make me practice until it was perfect, even if my fingers were bleeding and swollen. The main memory was of being forced to play, blood pouring from my fingertips in excruciating pain. Though I had enjoyed playing the cello, all enjoyment of music was extinguished by the brutality imposed upon me by my own father. That lifetime is likely not the same lifetime, but I don’t honestly know.

Finally, there has been an Asian link throughout my spiritual journey in this lifetime. Steven, my spiritual counterpart (etheric twin), told me that his last lifetime on Earth was lived in Mongolia during the time of Genghis Khan. Whenever I see him in astral or dreams he is Asian. Sometimes he is the typical Mongolian Asian with a very flat face, and other times he takes other Asian forms such as Indian, Chinese and Japanese.



Anger’s Turn

I thought I was to get a reprieve on the emotional dreams. Well, I sorta did except now the emotion is anger. I mean make-a-person-turn-red-in-the-face anger. Yeah. That bad. Funny enough, I am much better with anger than the deep, soul wrenching agony I was experiencing. Give me anger any day over that mess. I just don’t handle the heaviness in my heart. Apathy is the pits. Anger isn’t heavy. Its animated. It takes action. I’m all about action.

As with my other dreams, the connection to the emotion isn’t always obvious.

Dream: Twin Toilets

I entered into a bathroom to use it. It was dark and there were two large windows. Yellow light was pouring in through them almost blinding me. I went to the first toilet to use it and found it was full of feces. I flushed it and the toilet drained but when it re-filled the feces came back up. Gross.

On the other side of the vanity and sink was another toilet. I heard someone say, “Use the other one.” No one was with me so not sure who made the suggestion. I went to the other one. The water was clear.

I woke up furious and arguing with someone saying, “Two is NOT better than one.” All I could think about was that I was left to clean up someone else’s mess all alone. No support. Denied love. Blocked communication.¬†Abandoned.


I see the contrast between the dream from the past and this current dream. Their is a separation between the toilets now and one is full of feces which represents an aspect of Self that is considered dirty and repulsive. I had thought the past dream was representative of connecting with another in the physical – my “twin” – but now I think it may have been representative of another aspect of myself. This dream confirms the latter is more likely. I am being given a choice between two very different aspects of Self. Those aspects are no longer close together but drifting farther and farther apart. The voice told me to choose one over the other, indicating I have a choice.


Dream: Drained Battery

I was in a house with two rooms. The next day I was to catch a plane. It was late and I was almost done, going through a check-list in my mind to make sure I didn’t forget anything. I was already in bed and near sleep when I remembered I needed to charge my phone. I jumped out of bed and found my phone. The battery symbol was in the red and it was in power saving mode. I found the adapter and plugged it into the wall and also connected it with an ethernet cord. The phone wouldn’t charge, though.

A black woman was suddenly by my side suggesting I use the outlet in the other room. She showed me her phone was charging just fine. I tried the outlet and the phone would not charge. She pointed out another outlet on the other side of the room. Still nothing. She even suggested I call the phone company. I told her I couldn’t at such a late hour.

I ventured back to my room feeling frustrated. What was wrong with my phone!? Without it I would have no way to communicate!

The lights then turned on and I was standing inside a huge garage. I could see better and saw an outlet. I plugged my phone in and it finally showed it was charging. Again I had to plug it in to an electrical outlet and an ethernet outlet.


This dream seems to be focusing on my struggle to find energy/motivation. There is also the communication element as indicated by the cell phone. I feel unable to communicate; blocked on all sides. There is also feeling unheard by my guidance and by those around me. It feels pointless to even attempt to communicate. Like it won’t do any good.

Note: This morning, when I woke up, my phone had died in the night, so drained of battery that when I turned it on, it would immediately shut down before it registered the charger. This happened three times and on the fourth it finally accepted the charge and did not shut down. I got very concerned at first, thinking I would have to take it to the cell phone company to get it fixed or replaced. Just like in the dream. Weird.

Dream: Twin Kittens

A mother calico cat and two calico kittens were near me. The entire dream was focused on them. They were given to me and I was taking care of them. The mother cat remained curled up protectively around the two kittens. All three of them were the muddle, dirty calico, not with the defined typical calico patterns. All of them were female. I was talking to someone about moving them from one location to another and being given encouragement. I remember focusing on the little kittens, their round bellies full of milk, happily cuddling in their mother’s embrace. They had tiny little brown eyes and were perfect in every way. It was like I returned to my youth when I use to love baby animals of all kinds and watched many litters of kittens be born and raised. I even use to collect cat and kitten figurines when I was around 10-11 years old.


I am not sure how to interpret this dream. The twin theme is repeating but as kittens. Kittens represent transitional phases toward independence. Since the twins are both female, I am not sure what to think except that maybe again they symbolize the two aspects of Self. I did focus on the one on the left more than the right. Perhaps that is significant. The coloration could also be significant – all three were muddy, blurred calico colors. This could indicate that there is confusion present.


I had many discussions while in the in-between. I heard song phrases in my head. One was from Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody – “Gotta leave it all behind and face the truth.” The other was from the song Litost, “Just to say that I’m yours and you’ll never be mine.”

All along I was furious. I began to think of something someone posted on FB about a woman who views all ET experiences, spiritual ascension experiences and Twin Flame phenomena as a ploy by negative ET races who are trying to control the human race. The question was raised if it was possible that the heart connection and intense magnetism of Twin Flame and similar experiences was one of these control mechanisms. I had replied that I couldn’t imagine such a beautiful heart experience would be something sinister. This morning I considered that maybe I am wrong about it. Maybe it all is the domain of Team Dark, meant to throw us off our paths and control us? It seemed an accurate conclusion, especially with all the anger I was feeling. Once again I had the consideration to disappear from the internet but this time because suddenly all my spiritual experiences felt all to be a lie to me, meant to distract me from living so that I fall into a fantasy world that will never be.

Before you all panic, all of this is just a process that is occurring, an allowing of the expression of emotions. It doesn’t mean I am tossing everything I have been through or that I think it is all manipulation by Team Dark.





Dreams: Looking at Self

Yesterday,¬†I appealed to my Team of guides asking them to please spare me the emotion that has been plaguing my dreams. I heard in reply, “Would you like to see yourSelf?” I replied, “Sure I guess.” Then I hesitated and asked, “What exactly does that mean?” I didn’t get an answer other than a feeling of, “Wait and see” and a hint of humor. ¬†I hesitated and thought about how I would likely be shown my darker side.

Later that night, as I was sitting outside listening to the crickets I wondered about it again and my guidance sent me a flash of a hideous creature that reminded me of a person wearing a mask. I heard laughter and I laughed along with them. They said, “You aren’t afraid.” I replied, “No but that was funny.” lol

Thankfully, I did not get a night full of emotionally charged dreams. Not one. However, I had dreams indicative of my current state and issues that need confronting. I didn’t wake in a very pleasant mood.


Dream: Wearing a Mask

In this dream I applied a light green facial mask and then went about my day with it still on my face. I had my youngest with me and he and I laughed about my appearance. I felt to be playing a game of sorts to see how people would react.

We went together to the apartment of a male friend of mine. I felt very happy there and visited daily. When I arrived we kissed but he commented on my mask and I laughed about it but suddenly felt self-conscious. I decided to take it off but could not find any water to do so.

After a little time had passed, my friend took me aside and told me that he thought I had been visiting too much. He basically told me that I was coming on too strongly for him, that his intentions were not the same as mine and that he needed some space. This threw me completely and I backed away from him feeling rejected. I remember thinking to myself, “Maybe I have been too needy? Maybe I want more from him than he can give me?” I felt suddenly very angry. Angry at myself for being so intense and pushy and angry at him for taking so long to tell me. I felt he had led me on, encouraging me, perhaps wanting my company and then suddenly changing his mind when he realized what it would cost him. I cuddled my son in my arms and left, thinking, “Fine. I’m done with you, then. I deserve more. Don’t expect me to come back.”

I carried my son in my arms and went to a large, black apartment building and entered despite losing my key. We took an elevator up several stories, higher than I could count. At the top I found myself in a restroom cleaning the mask off my face. Most of it had worn away on it’s own, leaving only white streaks on my forehead. The whole time I had been with my friend I had thought I must have appeared ugly to him because of it and that was why he rejected me. I was happy to wash it off. I felt clean.


I woke from this dream very upset and feeling as if my heart had led me in the wrong direction; that it had lied to me. I saw the mask as me lying to myself and my friend. My guidance asked me, “Did you lie?” I said, “No, not intentionally.” But in reviewing the symbolism the mask here was more to hide my imperfections, not lying to myself or others. I see it now as more of me wanting to be my best Self and failing at it. Nobody is perfect.

Dream: Warehouse Renovations

I was with a group, a sustainable living community. My task was to help clean out an old warehouse that would be converted to a greenhouse. It was pretty sparse to begin with so really it was not a difficult task. Mainly we were taking what could be reused, in this case some old, red and worn bench-type seating that could be used in the community dining area.

I entered an area where there were others sitting at a table. An Indian man (as in from India) wanted to speak to me. He told me, “We will be accommodating more families soon and so will have to make adjustments to everyone’s salaries.” I was upset at this and told him, “If we take in more families we will have to pay them and that will make everyone’s share less.” In my mind I saw $60k/yr is what would be the end result. I was angry about this. It felt unfair. I told him, “I’m not in agreement.” The Indian man stood up and I could hear his accent very clearly at this time as he said almost angrily, “Let me give you a tip”. And he took out of his pocket three $5 bills. He tucked one under a small dish and placed it on the table in front of me. Suddenly I felt like a waitress, or a server of others. The role hit me hard, like a memory. I saw the $5 bill and knew the “tip” he was giving me was not money but in fact a message. I knew he was one of my guides and that he was disappointed in me. I felt ashamed.


This dream woke me up as well and I was angry again. The “tip” here was what caught my attention. I knew it related to my waking life – my husband is pressing me to allow my MIL to move in with us and it upsets me to no end, so I resist it. In the dream I believe this is what my guidance is presenting me with.


Dream: A Visit with Friends

I was sitting in a living area with my friend Angela. She and I were having a discussion about counseling and spiritual matters. I cannot remember now what it was that was said but I recall she had with her items that were used to help facilitate healing. She had come to help me specifically and was giving me advice and telling me about her adventures as a group facilitator. I remember her being surrounded in warm, comforting colors and sitting on several large pillows. The set-up reminded me of India.

Then I knew it was time to go. My friend David and I were to attend an event where an important speaker was going to present valuable information to the group. The time of the meeting was 8:40pm and I had to hurry because it was 7pm. Angela left to go to another appointment and so I got into a large RV and headed toward the event location.

On the way, I ended up having to maneuver around debris in the road. I decided to get out and push the RV because I had to turn around. I checked the time and it was 8:10pm.

I ended up on foot climbing up what looked like an old fountain whose water had long been turned off. I climbed up the scallops of the fountain and saw that water was still in them. In one I saw an eel hide and I poked at it with a stick feeling it attack the stick and getting a laugh out of it. In another I encountered a very long, fluorescent yellow snake with green markings. I worried I would be bitten because I had on no shoes. Toward the end of the dream I had somehow caught this snake by accident and was trying to get him off my fishing line with no success. He kept snapping at me and I knew he was poisonous.


The India reference is not lost here as it turned up twice in my dreams last night. For me, India has been connected to the Kundalini and the integration of masculine and feminine. I suspect that it’s return to my dreams indicates a return to that path and focus.

The RV is a suggestion that I need to move on with some situation or aspect in life. The path to Wholeness perhaps? The dry fountain indicates the coming down from the intense “high” of a passionate relationship. The eel is difficulty holding onto things. The snake further establishes the Kundalini component. Perhaps I am afraid of it because it tries to bite me. Snakes/serpents ¬†have come up a lot in recent dreams.


Overall, I awoke very disappointed and pessimistic about my life. I felt that all my dreams and communications with my guidance were taking me in circles resulting in the overwhelm and emotional upheaval I have been experiencing. I realized it is all a direct reflection of mySelf – all of it. My indecision and hesitation have been sending me in circles. One day I want one thing and the next another. One day I am certain of my path, the next I’m not. My dreams aren’t to¬†show me the right path, they will just reflect to me my current state. My guidance will not tell me what to do, they will only¬†encourage me to do what is best for me and in this instance it is to make a decision and stick with it. I feel like I am in a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation in my life. I don’t like any of my choices right now which is why I can’t seem to remain with one for very long. Something always happens which shifts me in another direction.

When this happens to me – indecision – and no one direction seems the right one, I make no changes for the time being. I need to wait until the path/decision is clear. Until then, I have to make due with where I am currently. Maybe this is wrong, but it is the only solution that makes any sense when indecision rules. Something is not in alignment for the change to be made. When it comes into alignment the path will open up and clarity will come. Nonetheless, I really hate being in this predicament.


Dream: Standing Rock

Prior to the string of OBEs I had this morning, I had several very intense and emotional dreams.

Dream: Standing Rock

The main part of this dream was inside a huge mansion that was being built by the wife of a billionaire. She had bought the land and constructed a stone wall all the way up the mile or more long driveway. On the top of the hill was the mansion. It was nearly finished and she was inside preparing for bed. I remember shifting into her in the dream and looking out the window. It was dark outside but she/I saw movement and became alarmed. I went outside to investigate and saw several children running away dressed in Indian costumes and holding toy bow-and-arrows.

I yelled, “Get off my property!” I had my own bow-and-arrow for some reason and was shooting it at them but it was bouncing off because it was not a real one. The kids ran and an adult or two appeared from behind large boulders. They were also dressed as Indians. They said, “This is not your property. It is ours.” I didn’t understand.

Then I was outside the woman’s body looking at her through their eyes. They saw a woman caught up in material things, completely blind to the world around her. They pointed out her jewelry to me and I said, “Everything on her is worth thousands, maybe more.” I recognized how many people could live comfortably off of just what she wore on her body. They said to me, “There are hundreds more like her.” I felt pity for her and them, as did they. There was great sadness.

They then took me to the outer limits of the property. There were bulldozers and lots of moved earth. The natural beauty destroyed to make way for the mansion. We stopped atop a hill. There was a natural stone arch and we stood beneath it looking down at the valley below. I could see a dark pool of water and wondered about it. It looked completely black.

Then I was above the pool and realized it was not black at all but that its bottom was covered completely in obsidian! It was the most beautiful pool of water I had ever seen and I had to go down to it.

obsidianThere were two small ceremonial fires near the water’s edge, smoke billowing out. I knelt down by one and put my hand into the crystal clear water. It felt sacred. As I began to enter the water I was filled with overwhelming amounts of emotion and began to cry in heaving sobs. The obsidian was brought to my attention and very soon after I heard very clearly, “Standing Rock”. I was crying so hard my heart was hurting and I couldn’t breathe. I heard, “Be the buffalo.” I woke up.

I continued to cry upon waking. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t understand the emotion – what was I feeling? Was it pain? Was it sorrow? Was it love? Was it all of those things and more?

Honestly, these outpourings of emotions are so powerful and my heart so affected that I feel beside myself with concern. This time I felt a near compulsion to up and leave my entire life/family behind. To just go. Where? I have no idea. My personal problems seemed so insignificant. I felt like a tiny speck on the face of this planet, incapable of creating the change needed to make this place what it could be Рshould be.

I have not felt a compulsion such as this except when I was hit with the heart connection with my counterpart that knocked me on my butt and then made me want to up and leave everything to go to him. To feel such a draw to leave again out of blue because of the state of the world is a completely new experience for me. I wanted desperately to help. To DO something about it. Nothing else mattered. Nothing.

The emotion here is beyond words. My heart is still burning in my chest. The feelings seem to be a mixture of love for this planet, injustices done to millions for the sake of profit and power, sorrow at the destruction of the planet and guilt for ignoring it. It seems like I received a taste of what our friends in Spirit (ETs or Earth’s caretakers) feel all the time coming from this planet. It is excruciating. How could anyone ignore it? How could I?

big_thumb_6a111efaec242d6f9514afdbbab65dc5Dream: Recruit

It was 3am and I spent a good hour asking my guidance, “What is happening to me!?” Because honestly this is utterly confusing! All of it¬†hitting me in the heart. What do I do with it!? How do I get it to stop!? I have not felt this much confusion since my heart connection was initiated. I feel like I am being called, no PUSHED, into action. It’s like my Team is saying, “Take a real good look at why you came here.”

I attempted sleep but asked for something good to happen. I told my Team, “Please. No more agonizing tears and heart intensity. I just can’t take it!”

They didn’t listen.

I found myself dropped into the middle of a military operation with hundreds of other recruits. I was new and did not know what I was doing. They were doing a morning stretch – calisthenics and yoga. All the recruits were women. The one in charge said to the group, “The new recruits from out of state have just arrived.” Was that me?

Then I was transferred to another part of the facility. I was to be a part of a team. I realized they were trying to find a place for me and figured I would do better as part of the cheerleading squad. I outright rejected this. When I did the warm-up with this group I gave up. They were doing advanced yoga poses there was no way I could do.

As I left this new facility it began to rain and I got out an umbrella and walked toward another building. The storm intensified. High winds began to pick up my umbrella and pull me into the air. I was carried about ten feet and then dropped. Others were being tossed about, too. I was able to make it into the doorway. When I opened the door, a boy was reaching toward me. He asked me, “Are you blind?” I didn’t know why he asked that and ignored him. Then I saw that he was feeling around and that his eyes were white. I realized he was blind and wanted me to help him down the stairs. I took his hand and did just that but it seemed that he was me. That I was the blind one. I also had a single Hershey’s kiss with almonds in my hand. I remember thinking that peculiar.

Then I was inside with a bunch of others who were standing about in shock about the storm. One woman who was dressed very nicely, had her hair done up and was wearing expensive¬†jewelry, was upset. I asked her why and she said, “I was separated from my partner.” I reached out to hug her, saying “I was separated from my partner, too.” She put her hand out, rejecting my sympathy. She said, “I guess a century apart has hardened me.” I felt bad for her, completely understanding her situation. I leaned in to hug her again and this time she let me saying, “Not completely hardened I guess.” She hugged me back tightly and I could feel her very physically accepting my love and support. With that, I¬†began to sob uncontrollably, a gut-wrenching, painful welling-up of emotion coming from my heart and all my lower chakras.

When I awoke I was again beside myself with concern. Two times in one night!? And what is up with the woman being apart from her partner for a whole century!? Where was I? Am I really a recruit of some sort being prepared for something, a battle? A confrontation? A mission?

My guidance is of NO help whatsoever. All they say is, “Listen to your heart.” But my heart in such a twisted knot and hurts so much that to listen to it is agonizing. They did send me a familiar song phrase over and over, “I’ll never be the same…” What the hell did I sign up for in this life?







Thanksgiving OBEs

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I was blessed with several OBEs this morning. ūüôā

OBEs: Creation

I had a string of four or five OBEs in a row which were continuations upon the first, initial OBE. So, I am just including them all together as one OBE. Others have commented that my ability to re-enter a scene after leaving it is rare. I don’t know about that, but I have a lot of fun doing it.

It began as a lucid dream in which I found myself in two places – in my own bed and in a sleeping bag on the living room floor. My MIL came into the house with a huge duffel bag. I asked her why she was bringing in her things and she said she was moving in. I got furious and yelled for my husband. The whole time he was hurriedly taking more of her stuff upstairs and I was shifting to the other bed. The last shift brought me to full awareness and I got up out of my body and yelled his name. Suddenly, the outline of a man in energy form appeared in front of me. He grabbed me by both wrists and pulled me toward him roughly. The tangible physicality brought me back to my body but I was laughing and in the midst of vibrations.

I exited my body and again stood up. I knew I was OOB and I immediately went to creating my experience. I thought, “He will be standing right there (in front of me)” Sure enough, I reached out and felt a man there and again saw the energy outline. My vision was otherwise off and on throughout. I hugged the man and he pulled me into him. It was so real and I was thrilled to be in the experience, playing around and seeing what I could do with it. I felt his entire body and kissed him but he would not get his tongue out of my mouth and I had to tell him to stop. lol Totally a created dream character! I knew this but didn’t care because it was fun! It ended though when I realized I was fully dressed and he was not and with that I also realized I was not interested in a sexual encounter with a made-up dream man. Ha!

I shifted back into body and then went right back out. This time my room morphed into a very large theater with row upon row of seats. I was at the top looking down. I saw a man leaning over something similar to a very large control console, buttons lit up and strange levers covering it. I flew up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. He was solid and warm. I began to say to him, “Hello Jay!” but I stopped myself short. Was it Jay or Ray? Then I said to him, “I just wanted someone to hug.” And I hugged him really tight from behind. He was wearing a flannel shirt and blue jeans and had dark hair and some stubble on his face. I knew him but wasn’t sure how and it confused me. He turned, smiling and it was too much for me and I shifted back into my body.

I went back to my body in full vibration mode. I shifted out quickly, fully intending on creating a different experience and knowing I could. I sat up in bed and looked down at my lap. At the same time I knew I wanted to see a male friend of mine. I spoke aloud as I looked down at this flat board that began to swirl as an image formed upon it. It reminded me of my Kindle. I said, “I want to see ________. I don’t want to be with him. I just want to see him.” I said this a couple of times, like I was trying to convince myself of something. At one point, I remember saying, “I don’t want to be him.” haha

The image on the dream Kindle swirled and then I saw an icon show up. An hourglass. Hahaha ¬†It was so amazingly vivid! I heard a voice say, “Do you want to see you? Do you want to be you?” It confused me and the scene shifted to the familiar blackness and energy that indicated I could travel to another location. A portal was opening. I was too aware, though, or maybe too afraid of what I was about to see?

Still completely thrilled that I was getting so much OOB time, I shifted out of body immediately and flew up into the air. There was music playing, a lovely, familiar tune. I said aloud, “I hear music!” I again was asking to see my friend but was being playful by this time, listening to the music and laughing as I began to float down stairs. I couldn’t see so I lifted what seemed like layer upon layer of a sweater-like material from over my eyes. My vision came on but it was like I was squinting. What didn’t I want to see?

As I descended the stairs, the music intensified and it was very loud in my ears. I slowed, knowing I was not meant to leave the confines of my bedroom. I had done well staying in my room but now it was time to return to my body and be done for the morning.

This was the song that was playing. When I awoke I knew it was for The Dark Crystal. I loved that movie as a kid.

I was reminded of the prophecy of the Crystal and the entire story line. It seems appropriate to my journey to Wholeness and the masculine and feminine aspects. It was a good message to receive this morning and I am grateful. If you haven’t seen the movie, I highly recommend it.

When single shines the triple sun,

What was sundered and undone

Shall be whole, the two made one,

By Gelfling hand, or else by none.

Something about my travels this morning began to re-open my second chakra. It is aching and sore this morning. I see this as a positive sign as well.

Image credit: The Dark Crystal РEsoteric Analysis.


Change Can Be Amazing

Lots going on. Energetically. Spiritually. Emotionally.

I was so tired yesterday afternoon I took a nap when my youngest took a nap. I rarely ever take naps. I don’t know where I went while I slept. It was like I sunk into the abyss. When I woke it felt like I had been drifting at sea, swaying to the point that I could physically feel myself rocking back and forth. When I checked online I saw that while I slept there had been an earthquake off the coast of Japan. This struck me as significant. There must be a massive coronal hole stream, I thought.

Despite getting a good nap in, I still slept deeply¬†last night and, as has been normal for me of late, I had tons of vivid dreams. Rather than go into each one, I will just summarize their messages as I am tiring of the dream drama, though yesterday’s accounts were quite humorous.


When I awoke sometime in the middle of the night and again this morning I knew a decision was being finalized. The last remnants of indecision are being cleared away. There is inspection of the past, of decisions made or not made, of directions taken. Relationship dynamics are being analyzed.

I spent quite a bit of time in a clear blue swimming pool with my family. I also was inspecting a house that could have been built but never was while also reflecting on the house that was built, its floors uneven and unstable. I spoke to a couple – a potential future version of myself and marriage – comparing their house to ours. Theirs had a family room, ours did not.


I am heading toward balance. Balance between masculine and feminine. Wholeness. This came through as preparation for a wedding ceremony. My clothing was the focus, specifically my shoes. I had on tan work boots at first and was laughing at how big they were on my feet. I knew they were the shoes of my other half, though, which is why I was laughing. He works hard and provides me with protection. I chose to take them off and selected a pair of black, dress boots – feminine but also masculine. I had on a white, lace skirt with a black blouse. Yin-Yang.

It’s Time

My guidance was quite insistent, coming through my dreams so intensely that it transferred into the physical, waking me up alarmed. This time it was not a pleasant experience. One of my guides wanted me to pay attention and so did what he does best and used pain to snap me out of sleep (sleep here being both the real deal and unawareness).

The dream here occurred in a parking lot at night. I headed to my parked car through a dimly lit section of the lot, keys in hand. As I walked a Hispanic man wearing ghetto clothing came up to me saying, “What are you doing out here alone? You need some help?” But his voice and mannerisms suggested he was not there to help. He came close and I pushed him away, turning and calling to my friends for help. My call sent the man away with a smirk on his face. I¬†picked up my pace.

When I got to my car, the key would not work properly. It kept slipping and the entire outside of the end of it fell off. A fair haired man approached. I knew him as a friend. He came up behind me, though, and grabbed me firmly saying very loudly, “It’s time.” The message here was that it was time to pay attention to his wants/desires; for us to be together. I rejected this and pushed back but he was too strong and grabbed me around my waist, forcing me up against the car. He then stuck his finger between my ribs, pushing in so hard that I cringed in pain.

I woke up and could still feel his finger jabbed between my ribs. It did not let up for some time. I could hear him repeating, “It’s time.”

Anger Toward Men

Both yesterday after my nap and once I awoke this morning I experienced a surge of anger toward the men in my life. It came all at once and the feeling is to push them away and stand alone. Thoughts that go with these feelings are, “I don’t need anyone” and “Men suck.” lol I feel extremely aggressive; ready for battle. There is also a feeling of anger toward myself for allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled by men in general along with a rejection of any attractions I have felt/feel toward the opposite sex.

Almost Done

The water element repeated last night. Water = Emotion. For a fire sign like me, water/emotion can be confusing when in copious amounts as it has been. I like to be in control of my emotions. Lately I’m not. I was shown water and then I saw very clearly, “20%” written as if on a blank screen. The message was received as, “20% left.” So, almost done. I can’t wait.

Change Can be Amazing

Sometime in the morning I had phrases from songs come into to my mind. The main one was,”In weakness or in strength, change can be amazing.” It comes from the song below. Note: When I hear these phrases it does not necessarily mean the entire song is the message. Usually it is just the single phrase I am given that is the message. The entire message of this song is a good one, though.




Dream Marathon Continues

The dream marathon continues as does the surging emotions.

Dream: Through the Mountains

I was traveling with my husband and family through the mountains. These mountains resembled the ones from a distant foreign land. I have no idea where, though. There were sparse trees and the trees that were there were shrubby. I’m not sure there was grass. All I recall is a tan color so it could have been sand or dirt.

As we traveled my husband stopped to interact with some birds. He held one up and talked to it. It talked back. I assumed it was a parrot of some sort. I was in a hurry to continue on so told him I was leaving and walked on without him for a short distance.

Somehow my family got ahead of me. They had entered a building, like a visitor center and were listening to a woman talk about the place. As I rushed to rejoin my family a woman stopped me and asked, “Don’t you want to take your picture with a star?” I turned to her and quickly answered, “No thank you.” In my mind I saw a bluish colored nebula and remember thinking it odd that I could take a picture with it.

I finally caught up with them and sat down. They had just finished listening to a lecture and were eating. I began to eat a huge brownie and handed it over to someone. I remember them saying, “Wow, you almost ate the whole thing! It’s huge and it was $7.” She seemed to think the cost was too much. I didn’t care.

Dream: Gas Station Stopover 

I was at a gas station with a man (guide?). I saw a man wearing only green, plaid boxer shorts walking past. He was talking to his friends and I saw something come out of his rear. When I realized what it was I was grossed out. At the same time he began to urinate. He seemed not to care and laughed. I commented to my friend about it saying, “How can someone do both at the same time and out in public like that?”

My attention was then drawn to a very muscular man standing nearby. He wore no shirt and was very attractive. I mentioned that he must work hard to look like that. Someone said, “Yeah, but look, he is flawed.” I then saw that he had a huge scar on his back that ran from his waist up to his opposite shoulder. It reminded me of a battle scar.

Another man walked past doing what the first man was. He just allowed the feces and urine to overflow and fall on the ground at his feet as he walked. Again I was disgusted.

Then I was sitting inside the car in the driver’s seat waiting for the tank to fill. A blonde woman in a black car pulled up and then backed up to touch my car. My experience of this was that her car somehow pushed into my car, the two cars merging, and left me only a couple of feet of leg room. My lower body was nearly pinned under the steering wheel. A part of me disengaged and confronted the woman who seemed overly rude and selfish to me. I found her in her own car hiding under the dash below the steering wheel. I asked her, “What are you doing down there?” She didn’t answer but looked frightened and confused. I then told her, “You are squishing me! If you keep doing that you are going to kill me!” Then I burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably.

I woke up in tears and it took me a few minutes to recover.

Dream: Preparing for a Concert

I was going to a concert with my mom, brother and sister. We were parked on the side of the road to pick up my brother. I was in the front passenger’s seat and knew I needed to adjust the seat so he could sit in the back. When he arrived he got into the back seat but then I remembered I had my youngest with me. That is when I saw he was walking into the ditch wearing only a diaper. I yelled at my Mom saying, “Why isn’t anyone watching him!” I became worried because he was crawling into the ditch and then into the drainage pipe to play in the water. I worried we would not be able to retrieve him. That’s when I said to my mom,”Do you want me to stay home and watch him so you all can go to the concert?” The feeling here was that I did this often in real life so that others could enjoy things.


In the first dream I believe I was confronting the obstacles (mountain) in my life, specifically my marriage. He is playing with a parrot, which can symbolize someone who is mocking me or being repetitive. Since I declined taking a photo, I was refusing to look closely at myself and situation. Since it was with a star it seems to symbolize belief in fate/luck or could be asking me to look at my origins (blue nebula). The brownie is self-indulgence or belief that I deserve a reward. It comes at a cost, though: $7.

The gas station dream seems to be all about needing to reenergize and revitalize myself. I need to take time out to refuel because I am running low on energy/motivation/life. The feces and urine indicate a need to purge myself of negativity and negative influences in my life. There is a rejection of certain feelings. These things need to be acknowledged and expressed even if they are disgusting to me. The muscular man symbolizes a desire to have strength and power. But he is scarred. The scar represents deep seated issues that have never entirely healed associated with my own personal power. He could also be the masculine side of me. The blonde woman is another aspect of myself. She is selfish and careless and causes me harm. Our paths are merging (the two merging cars) but I feel that she is killing me and it causes me great upset. The lower half of my body which is pinned is connected to the lower chakras.

In the last dream we are heading to a concert. This represents a desire for harmony and cooperation. Since it is my mom, brother and sister, there may be a desire for me to have harmony with them specifically. I am concerned about my relationship with them. The car is also representative of that specific path, which is why my mom is driving and not me. My son could represent my consideration that I feel new to this situation somehow, or inexperienced in some way. I choose to stay home and care for him rather than go to the concert. This seems to signal a release of responsibility to this part of my life but could also be showing me a pattern in my own life where I choose to forgo something for the betterment of the group.



Dream: Aderito

My dreams continue to be abundant, complex, and chock full of messages and symbolism.

Dream: Aderito

I was teaching a class to two students. For some reason I thought I was teaching them Spanish. I could see a brightly lit classroom and the two students, one male and one female, sitting in front of me just behind an overhead projector. We were practicing speaking a language and I was giving them words/sentences and they would repeat them back to me. I can’t remember all that was said now but the two students began to speak among themselves in a language that resembled Spanish but obviously was not. I interrupted them because I knew enough to know they were talking about me. I thought I heard the word, “Abuelita”, so I said the word to them and they both looked at me, their faces showing their humor. I couldn’t figure out why they were referring to me as a grandmother. I kept questioning them and finally the male student said to me, “Aderito”. Still confused, I woke up wondering why I often¬†speak Spanish in my dreams anyway and why I was being called a “granny”. Weird!

I almost forgot about the dream until I began writing a post and it all flooded back into my mind along with the correct word the two students were saying – Aderito. What was that? What does it mean? Is it even Spanish?

Well, apparently it is Italian! No wonder I was confusing it with Spanish – the two languages are very similar. And upon looking it up I found that it means “Joined” in English.

I don’t remember any part of the rest of the conversation that the two were having about me probably because I was fixated on thinking they were saying I am old. Which I am, kinda. lol Not a granny but then who knows when you are in dreamland! Hahaha

Dream: All Red

I had a dream in which I was in a house that was completely red. Everything was red. Like the whole house was painted in blood. I don’t recall the specifics now. I only remember that I was in the house with my husband.

Red – Anger, aggression, raw emotion.
House – One’s own soul and Self.

Dream: Lodge

I visited a huge log cabin. Inside the walls were made of wood paneling and the ceilings were huge round logs reminiscent of a mountain lodge. I was with a woman and we were discussing various things that made no sense and so have been lost to me now. I remember sitting and looking at the lodge. It was vast with more rooms than I could count. It was comfortable and I remember thinking, “I like it here.”

Then I was outside with the woman and saw the ranch surrounding it. There were residential cabins all around it for the workers and visitors. There were people scattered about doing various jobs. It was like a sustainable community.

I wandered to the front drive in a car and then turned around to re-enter. I was thinking, “I like it here. I would like to live here someday.”

The gate was partially closed and I ended up on a bicycle, pedaling in. I saw a school bus approaching and as I pedal in tons of children both on foot and on bicycles surrounded me. I saw a woman caretaker in the background dressed in a dress standing behind them. They said, “Is the bus coming!?” I said, “Yes, I just saw it.” I knew some of the kids went to public school while others stayed and were homeschooled. They ran toward the road but some stayed with me, so close I couldn’t move. They were full of love and I felt comforted by their presence. A tiny baby was on the ground in front of me and I worried he would be squished. One boy said, “He’s bigger than he looks. See!” And the baby got up and walked right through all the bikes.

Lodge – Feeling stuck in life.
Log – Transformation.
Ranch – Needing to take stock of your life and determine what you want.
Bicycle – Desire for balance.
School bus – About to venture on important life journey necessary for personal growth.
Small baby – Worries that others will detect your vulnerabilities.