Kundalini Dream: Blue Triangle

I’ve been sleeping deeply and having lots of dreams the last few days. Most haven’t been too interesting but last night the Kundalini was present. It wasn’t typical but the energy was present none-the-less.

K Dream – Blue Triangle

I was with a group of others. We were all youngish (20’s maybe) and seemed to either be in water or floating in a bluish colored space. I remember some other info but it is random faces and conversations that don’t make much sense. 

What I recall most vividly is lining myself up horizontally with my feet pointed towards the front of the space where a man was standing and facing to my left with both his arms outstretched. As I floated there, the man initiated an electrical current that looked blue as it shot out of his arms and hands. Like lightning, it moved towards another person (a man I think) who was horizontal and facing me. Within a few seconds the current went through the second man and hit me, entering via the head and moving through to my feet. The energy exited my toes and completed the circuit into the man who initiated it. 

I distinctly recall the way the energy felt when it hit me and traveled through me. The initial sensation was like I had been mildly shocked and my whole body arched upward slightly. As it moved through me I could feel a distinct difference between the left and right sides of my body. The left side was a solid, uninterrupted flow of energy that felt comfortable and somewhat rejuvenating. There was no disturbances in the flow to the point that it seemed like my head, body and feet were indistinguishable as separate parts. On the right side of my body, on the other hand, there was an interruption of the flow in my legs which felt uncomfortable but not painful. The energy was intermittent and pulsed and with each pulse it was like the initial shock and caused my right leg to flinch.

When the current was cut off, everyone in the room was excited and applauded. I felt extremely accomplished and talked to a woman who had been with me the entire time. She asked me about my experience and I told her about the energy differences I sensed. I was proud that my body cooperated and told her had it not been for the left side of my body being a perfect conduit, the consistent flow would’ve stopped with me. 

The triangle of energy that we formed together was beautiful – a magnificent, electrical blue. The feeling I had was satisfaction. 

As the group mingled, there was an air of anticipation and excitement. It felt like, as a group, we had been working hard and had made great progress. We were all looking forward to what came next. I had a brown bag in my hands that was filled with fresh baked breads like bagels and mini-loaves. The woman asked, “Is that a homemade bagel?” I said, “Yes it is.” She asked, “Can I have one?” I handed it to her and she accepted it and took a big bite.

When we were leaving I was talking to the woman about the next time we would connect and said, “I want to be the one who initiates”. In my mind I remembered how the man initiated the flow of energy. I really desired doing what he did.

Considerations

The dream ended and I woke up briefly. No energy remained but the visuals of the energy flow were fresh on my mind as was the memory of how the energy felt when it flowed through me. I don’t know why it didn’t wake me because it was quite strong. 

Overall, the dream feels positive. I can relate to my right side being a bit less “conductive” and it is promising that the energy made it all the way to my legs before being interrupted. So, I am feeling reassured. Whatever the K has cleared, it is much more than I thought.

The bagel at the end is symbolic of various things. To just have a bagel symbolizes good times ahead after a period of struggle. To give a bagel to someone indicates a friend may need my help or to offer assistance to another. Seeing someone else eat a bagel symbolizes loneliness. 

No Emotion to High Emotion

My emotions lately are either non-existent or full-on. Some days I feel so numb I wonder if something is wrong with me. Other days I break down in tears or wake up crying from emotional dreams. Numbness is more familiar to me and so easier to manage, except lately it has been really noticeable to the point that I’ve wondered what is going on.

My best guess is that I’m doing work at deeper levels, hidden from my waking awareness except in moments when it bubbles up. 

My dreams are giving me a glimpse of what’s going on but it is fleeting. 

Dream: Buried Puppy

For example, this morning I woke from a dream in tears with full knowledge of what I was being shown. In the dream I was talking to two very small puppies, no more than a few weeks old. One was upset because he hadn’t been able to make things right with his father. His father was my uncle. I promised the puppy that I would help him as best I could so I took the puppy to my uncle and asked him to listen and let bygones be bygones. My uncle took the puppy, turned around grumbling something, and walked away. I followed, worried by my uncle’s reaction. To my horror, my uncle quickly dug a hole in rocky soil, placed the puppy inside and covered it with rock and soil. I rushed to the aid of the puppy who was calling out from the hole apologetically. I frantically removed the soil trying to get to the puppy asking my uncle, “Why did you do that!?” I could feel both the emotion of the puppy and the emotion of my uncle. Both were equally upsetting.

When I woke I was sobbing, overcome with the emotion of the two individuals in my dream. It was clear to me that both my uncle and the puppy (my cousin) had similar emotions. They were hurt and angry. My uncle was so hurt by his son that he had blocked all emotion to the point that his heart had hardened. My cousin was so hurt by his father’s rejection of him that he had become similarly hardened. Underneath I could feel the source – mounds of grief at the loss of someone very loved. 

Feeling what they felt, I understood. It was so clear to me that had they just communicated honestly with one another, so much hurt could’ve been avoided. Instead, they both acted out, conditioned in life to reject certain emotion as a weakness (crying and being vulnerable, specifically).

I remembered how my mom reacted to her own emotion in similar ways. As did my grandfather. My mom would get horribly irritable, saying mean things and avoiding eye contact. One day I saw her hurt through her anger and hugged her. She cried as I hugged her, saying, “Why are you hugging me!? You’re making me cry!” She has often told me that she hates crying because of how it makes her feel, look and act (unable to talk, red nose and face, snot, etc). My grandfather would just pull away. Once he was closer to death he began to let the emotion through.

As my uncle gets older I see his emotional side, too. He still has not let go of the pain of his relationship with his son, though. He wears it like a badge and uses it as justification of his actions. In the dream he buries his son, which I think is symbolic of his beliefs that his son is a lost cause and dead to him. 

Dream: Communications Class 

After the above dream I returned to sleep and entered a dream where I was sitting in a classroom with my mom. It was a communications class and my mom had come to class with me out of curiosity. I remember telling her I skipped class often and had not been keeping up with my assignments. I showed her one that I had purposefully ignored because it felt pointless to me. The assignment was to copy letters in cursive, placing them perfectly on lined paper much like you do in elementary school. The letters were in a textbook and the teacher had told us to photocopy the lined paper for the assignment. When my mom asked about the assignment I told her I didn’t care if I failed it. I showed her what I had completed and planned to turn in. The letters were floating in the middle of the lined paper, unevenly spaced and of all different sizes despite being readable and formed correctly. I felt my work was good enough. 

When I woke I knew the dream was related to the previous dream. Communication is key to preventing negative karma. In the case of my uncle and cousin, their rejection of each other will continue into another lifetime if they don’t make amends before death. My uncle knows this. He spent a lot of time mending his relationship with both his parents before they died. So, why then, does he not try to do this with his son? It is hard to say. Maybe he expects his son to come to him? 

As related to me, my own communication is anything but perfect. It may “pass the class”, but barely. It is rare that I work to maintain good communication with people outside my inner circle. Typically, I will put forth effort when it comes to close family, but with friends and acquaintances I make little to no effort at all. This is by choice. It is a lot of work to stay on good terms with people and so I reserve what little energy I have for those closest to me. My husband can’t believe I’m this way because he will go out of his way to get on good terms with pretty much everyone. I would but it is exhausting to me. Really.

However, if I were in my uncle’s shoes, I would definitely make the effort. If one of my children disappointed me continuously, I wouldn’t disconnect from them completely. I may stop helping them to avoid enabling them, but I would still tell them I loved them, still talk to them, still want to spend time with them. 

Emotional Overload

My higher levels of emotion are likely the result of my own avoidance. I definitely dislike crying for similar reasons as my mom. My throat constricts and I can’t talk. If I do try to talk, my voice is high pitched and strained. My face gets red and I feel very uncomfortable. Being the effect of my emotions is a very vulnerable place to be! 

Just in the last two weeks I’ve broken down in tears during several conversations with my husband about how I feel unappreciated, taken for granted and undervalued. The tears come as a result of what I say, so I know there is truth in my words. Usually I get angry or walk away, but for some reason these last few conversation helped me to see just how exhausted I am and I succumbed. It is just too much work to pretend I am strong.

One day the emotion followed me to work and I nearly burst into tears in a meeting over something someone said. At first I found myself reacting the way I often do. It’s a “deer in headlights” reaction, like I freeze and don’t know how to react. I don’t feel anything initially and it takes me a while to respond to questions. This particular time I was told my input in the meeting was not needed and unwanted. It was an outright rejection of my contribution and a clear message that I was not there to contribute but to observe. The person who told me this recognized that it hurt my feelings before I did and said, “Don’t be upset”. I lied and said I wasn’t, still frozen, unsure as to what exactly I was feeling. It was only later that I understood. As I sat through the rest of the meeting, silent as instructed, the emotion threatened to break through, but I kept it in check. I recognized she had made me feel unappreciated and undervalued. I was so upset that I thought, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” “Here” as in work. I wanted to walk out and quit right then and there. If I’m not valued or appreciated or seen, then why stay?

I spoke to my husband about it a couple of days later and burst into tears again. Sigh. He promised me she meant nothing by it and that I was valued and appreciated. He even told me she did the same thing to him once upon a time. It didn’t help. I still feel what I feel.

Even today I feel the emotion from this morning’s dream still lingering under the surface. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, not knowing when/if the high emotion will raise its ugly head. It’s starting to give me a headache. 😦

A Tornado and a Joke at my Expense

Yesterday was exciting. Around dinner time, during rush hour, a tornado touched down at the I-35 and 45 Toll interchange. There was video and everything. 

Here at our house we had no clue. The rain was hard and there was some wind, but nothing indicating a tornado. Yet my daughter’s friends were sending her texts, freaking out as they hid in closets because of a tornado sighting. Since I hadn’t seen anything but a severe thunderstorm warning I told her not to worry. Usually tornado weather has higher winds, hail and scary dark skies, none of which we had.

Eventually one her friends texted the video and we realized there had been a tornado. Not only that, it was very, very close, like a few miles up the road along I-35. 

Once the storm had passed, about an hour later, my husband drove down the road to check it out. It hit the Home Depot parking lot and neighboring stores, blowing the windows out of a Chili’s, flipping a small car and a truck, and breaking trees in half. It also tore the top off the drive-thru at a Bank of America. 

This morning, a friend of my husband’s who is a UPS driver sent a picture of his buddy’s UPS truck. The truck had been damaged. It had a big dent on the hood and tons of debris inside. The friend said his buddy was on the 45 Toll overpass when the tornado hit. It was the tornado that dented the truck. Thankfully, his friend walked away with only a few scratches but was very shook up.

There were no fatalities that we know of, which is good. 

A Joke at my Expense and K Dream

I slept well but woke at 4am from a noise. It sounded like the garage door opening a crack and then stopping. I went to check, worried, but there was no indication of any opening whatsoever and my husband was sound asleep. I somehow fell back to sleep despite feeling a bit nervous and paranoid over the sound I heard.

Not long after I was awakened by yet another very real sound. I can’t recall what it was now but I realized quickly it was noises off when I heard laughter around me. I told whoever was laughing to stop it, saying, “Yeah, yeah, I should’ve known!” 

The next thing I recall is being in a very nice house inside the bathroom. I was standing over the sink and someone was asking me if they could feed “it” something. I saw in my mind what looked like a small piece of meat about the size of a grain of rice. I said okay as long as it was rinsed in the sink. I saw it being rinsed under the faucet. Somehow I ended up putting my fingers inside the spout as the water ran out, inspecting the inside and thinking that the opening was the “it” being fed but “it” also seemed like a small animal, maybe a reptile. I distinctly recall how the opening felt – hard, cool and wet.

Then I was watching my best friend from high school and a girl we went to school with. They were standing in the kitchen discussing girl stuff, specifically talking about whether either of them had ever had sex. I really didn’t want anything to do with their discussion, because I disliked the other girl, but listened, curious, while keeping my distance. They both knew I was there and the girl asked me directly if I wanted to try it – sex. I said something about not ever having sex with a woman. She then described what it was like. When she did, my root chakra lit up and expanded very quickly. The feeling made me squirm it was so intense! I felt my body responding and woke up. The energy remained, a tube-like ball of energy, warm and highly pleasurable. It slowly expanded both outward and upward. It felt good but there was an ache to it as well. 

I lay in bed wide awake allowing the energy to do its thing. After a while I changed positions, knowing it would result in the energy subsiding, and it did. It is okay, though, because that kind of energy is not comfortable to walk around with!

Not Funny!

I can’t help but think the whole dream experience was meant as a practical joke despite it being so erotically intense in the end. Firstly, the noise of the garage door opening, which sounded VERY real, that had me up checking out of worry. Then, the second noise, which I can’t recall now, that also woke me, initially causing concern until I heard the laughter. The laughter was very obvious and there was no doubt in my mind that my guidance was being silly, trying to help me overcome my overly serious human tendencies. 

Then there’s the dream discussion about sex between two women. I am not interested in sex in general these days, not physical sex anyway, and definitely not with a woman. Another joke being played on me? Probably. My guidance likes to have a laugh at my expense and always has. I long ago learned to just laugh with them and stop taking everything so serious. 

It has been a very, very long time since I’ve heard laughter and known it was coming from the non-physical realms. It has also been a very long time since I’ve gone OOB or had lucid dreams where I explore and just enjoy my non-physical form. I’ve been sleeping very deeply and mostly dreamlessly for some time. I’m not really interested in recalling my dreams anymore and have lost interest in lucid dreams and OBE’s as well. I just want to sleep and disappear into oblivion at night. Sweet oblivion!

When I get like this, my guidance usually has to go out of their way to get my attention. Sometimes I hear them during the day so loud and clear that I think another person is in the room with me, but I’m alone. Most of the time, though, it is like the above experience. They do just enough to get me to recognize I’m not alone, just enough to get me to notice and question WTF?

It’s not like I haven’t been noticing other things. I’ve just been choosing to ignore the signs. Purposefully. I’m tired of the BS – chasing the mystery, getting caught up in signs and syncs. It rarely leads to anything new and that’s what I want – something new, something I’ve yet to experience, something that makes me feel ALIVE. 

The tornado was a nice addition, of course, though I don’t wish that kind of destruction on anyone. 

Was it symbolic? Um…not going there. It’s that kind of question that sends me down a never-ending rabbit hole. Not interested. 

Dream: Three Swords

I have been feeling something deep within. It is barely noticeable and feels similar to past experiences when another part of myself is recognizable, a self that I have called the “small self” in the past.

The feelings have been simmering under the surface for some time but only yesterday did they feel to seep through in such a way that I took notice. By bedtime, I had felt this other me so much that I took time to focus on the feeling. The emotion was sadness mostly, a deep, penetrating sadness. The recognition of this other me was instant and I shifted immediately into Knowing. Rather than reject what I felt via this other me, I allowed it and then spoke to her, soothing her and telling her “it will be alright”. I sent love to her. The feelings calmed. 

From the Rider-Waite Tarot Deck

Dream: Three Swords

In the dream I was in a school being shown around by another teacher. It felt like I was getting a tour as a new employee.

I recall vividly meeting the school counselor. She was very pleasant and told me I could come talk to her anytime. I remember thinking, “She really loves me.” It made me very emotional and I began to cry, momentarily gaining some lucidity. She spoke with me a while and there was another instant of clarity. She said, “windfall”, and my mind went immediately to the good fortune our family is experiencing. There was a brief memory of being given this word as a message in the past (2019) and I instantly knew it pertained to my husband and his acquisition of the company.  

At the end I was taken to a classroom with 8th graders and realized the school was a K-8 school and, because of my experience, half my classes were teaching middle school. This surprised me at first but I understood their reasoning and so was agreeable.

The kids who entered were rowdy and intimidating. At first I didn’t feel prepared, but then felt completely at ease with the teenagers, knowing exactly how to get them to settle. I approached them one by one, asking their names and getting to know them.

The other teacher suggested I put up a bulletin board with all the students’ names and have the students post a picture that represented their life. One girl excitedly approached and asked me if she could post a family pic. She showed me and I told her it was perfect. I felt a warmth from the interaction, knowing the girl felt safe and heard in my presence.

I took the class on a field trip to a theatrical presentation and watched it with them. A group of women dressed in formal attire sang a song while a group of men carrying curved swords fought valiantly (but not to the death) for the opportunity to be with one of the women. Three swords (three of swords tarot card?) got left behind and I tried to put them in the classroom but it was locked. Another teacher met me and told me I could put the swords inside her room, so I left them with a sticky note on them (letter to myself). 

Considerations

When I woke I knew the dream was to show me all that contributions I have made thus far, specifically with teaching and reaching children and teenagers. I was reminded how, when I tune in and focus on helping, I can reach the kids that are the most difficult to reach. 

There were memories of when I stopped trying to connect and no longer wanted to help. There was understanding that all I had to do was step outside myself and be open to receiving what the students needed. In those times I was over tired, disillusioned or resisting moving on. For example, when I worked at the alternative school I was pregnant and tired and over worked – burned out. Thus, connecting with the very difficult students didn’t happen. It was just too exhausting and I needed rest. 

Similarly, when I was a counselor at the elementary school, though I did connect and enjoyed working with the kids, I was going through a difficult time emotionally and so ran out of energy quickly, unable to really put my all into the job like I should’ve. I thought back to the day I found out was my last day. The principal didn’t even bother to warn me it was coming. I wonder now if they hastened my leaving because they decided I wasn’t a good fit like they first thought? It doesn’t matter. I was ready to leave.

It is clear that when I introvert (withdraw into myself) is when others are cautious of me. When I open myself up, others are attracted to me more. The thing is, I mostly don’t feel like opening up. In my twenties I was very open, I wanted to help and so got more opportunities to do so. As I have become more disillusioned I’ve closed myself off. There were just too many instances where my helping others left me feeling unsuccessful and resentful. 

I’m obviously still healing, trying to pull out of the introverted stage little by little. My guidance is trying to show me when I have been successful and that I have a gift. When I woke, knowing their tactic I told them, “I still don’t want to stay. Why do you keep trying to change my mind?” 

The dream of the students, where the females sang and the men battled for the opportunity to earn their affections, reminded me of the dynamic I’ve observed all my life. The men want to show off, to impress the women with their strength and masculinity, the woman sit back, showing off their beauty and feminine traits. It really is a mating dance and it goes on, and on, and on. Even after the men and woman are grown and have children this dance continues. The ridiculousness of it bothers me and I am not interested in the game or participating in it. Much higher levels of interaction exist. Humans are stuck in a very low, animalistic and biologically driven game.

My low opinion of humans is why I introvert (withdraw within). So many people aren’t even scratching the surface of their potential. Then those that have moved above and beyond are still struggling, specifically with these sexual/mating game that continues under the surface of most everything. 

I do believe I come from another race of Beings or at least my past lives have been as such. These experiences are part of me and why I am so homesick. Earth – humanity – is so barbaric, so cruel, so confusing. Humans are just not my people.

What’s worse is that I am human, too. Yuck.

Yet in my dream I saw how I also loved humanity, so much so that my heart overflowed with love. And I Remembered.

In my earlier days (especially before my Saturn Return) I saw potential in everyone and tried to help them see it, too. I recall when I first started teaching how beautiful I thought my students were. I loved all of them and defended them to some of the other teachers who preferred to focus on the negative or had become burned out.

Over time I burned out, too. It was just so difficult! Maybe I set my standards too high? Probably. 

So, I will try in the future to look at each individua’s unique journey, gauging where they are and then working with the existing potential on a gradient. It is my own judgement of them that leaves me sad and discouraged and ultimately unwilling to help. It is hard not to judge when you see where a person could be versus their present reality. It is very frustrating and I can only imagine this must be how our guides feel when they see us struggling through this life! 

I think a good strategy is to become more like my guides. I know how they feel, I’ve been allowed to experience it. The reason they are so patient, loving and supportive is because they see past our flaws to our potential. They are able to see the why behind our struggles and they accept us as is, without judgement. When they see us, we are beautiful, flaws and all.

What does this mean for me? I suspect the end result will be to return to a similar mindset to what I had when I was young (optimistic, open, adventurous). This time, though, I won’t be so naïve about it. I will be much more selective, choosing only those interactions that feel correct for me.

At some point in the future I will be changed. I don’t think I will even notice it, but it will happen. And you know what? I am excited at the prospect of it. To feel purpose again. To feel hopeful. To feel optimistic. What a relief that will be!

This is likely what my Chiron (Kiron) Return will bring, leading me to become the Role Model.

In Human Design the 6th line is prone to cynicism. I am definitely cynical. I wasn’t always that way but the experiences of my life have led me to be so. Time to reverse that trend.

Three of Swords

Here is a link to the general meaning of the card. I do believe it is indicative of my journey and contains a message to take my time, heal and learn from the past. The sticky note I left on the swords could signify the letter I wrote to myself not long ago. It does seems fitting.

One and the Same

“The Nagual woman and don Juan found completeness and silence in each other’s company. Don Juan said that the feeling they had for each other had nothing to do with affection or need; it was rather a shared physical sense that an ominous barrier had been broken within them, and they were one and the same being.“

From: The Eagle’s Gift, by Carlos Castaneda

When I read the above quote, I recognized the feeling described – “one and the same being”. I have had this with another. It is perfection; Divinity.

I still think fondly on that brief experience and wonder if it will ever repeat. Union feels to be why I am here; my purpose. So, if that is the case, why did it only happen once? Was the timing incorrect? Was I not ready?

Then I think back to the other connection I had not long before that last one. Interestingly, I now feel nothing for the person I often called my twin flame, heart connection, divine counterpart. Nothing.  When I think back on that time it feels alien to me. It doesn’t feel like it was me experiencing it.

So it turned out to be true what my guidance repeatedly told me – Time heals all wounds. Be patient with yourself and Allow. 

The last dream I had with him in it was not long ago. I woke feeling very sad and somewhat angry at the way our meeting and inevitable farewell went this lifetime. I suppose it was better than other lives. I didn’t kill myself at least! If I try and rekindle any of the feelings I experienced long ago, I can’t. Instead, my soul yearns for that experience of Oneness to repeat. It reaches out from deep inside me, calling.

I Know the man with whom I felt a heart connection is now distracted – immersed – in another. It is a more “normal” relationship, one he can better tolerate. There isn’t anything overpowering or compelling about it. It is comfortable and much more suited to him and his present position in life. Sadly, a previous unfinished lesson will play out again regardless of his sense of preparedness. It is written in his blueprint and part of his karmic cycle. He is destined to be burned and left wondering, yet again, what happened and what he did wrong.

I can see clearly now how his lessons and path did not align with my own. His deeply hidden secrets, those he was so terrified I would see, would have destroyed our relationship before it had even begun. He never knew I Knew. I saw what he was hiding all along. His inability to see came at a cost and that cost was Us.

What was he so afraid of? Himself. His magnificent, divine, masculine self. 

When all I desired was to be One with him, it was never to be. I couldn’t have been One with someone not already One with themselves.

So the pages turn and my story continues. What will happen next? IDK but it feels ominous. Perhaps that is a good thing considering the quote above? 

Letter to Myself

March 6 – Message: The Outlet Can’t Handle the Load

I dreamed I was being counseled by a woman. There are flashes of memory in which I encountered people in my life who I no longer have contact with both living and dead. I vaguely recall seeing my friend’s deceased father and her brother, but I vividly recall seeing my ex-husband and the feelings I had resulted in tears. It seemed like I was grieving the past, specifically that I did not show love as often as I should and my regret about that. There was also a sense that everything in my past didn’t matter; that it was just a waste of my time and energy. 

The woman who was counseling me asked me to write myself a letter. She gave me an example, reciting her own letter to herself. The sense was that in the not too distant future I will be very different and the letter will help me to recognize the changes in myself. 

All this discussion happened amidst a dream taking place in the background that would occasionally shift to the foreground. In the dream I was inside an RV helping clean (healing) up the space. I grabbed a hand-held vacuum and joined a man who had a larger one. I focused on what looked like tiny worms (regrets) the size of a grain of rice that appeared to be dead (in the past). When I began to vacuum the power suddenly dropped and the suction stopped. I turned and noticed three other people vacuuming. The man next to told me I needed to stop cleaning and let them finish for me. His said, “The outlet can’t handle the load“. I also remember hearing “44 watts” was the max load. I took this to mean I stopped “cleaning” (participating in the healing work) at the age of 44. Now I need to let them (my guides) do the work for me.

Letter to Myself

When I woke, I remember hearing, “2025” and I felt disappointed and frustrated. The message I got was that it was not long but to me, three years feels like an eternity. I am so tired of waiting. I’m bored and disinterested in life. I told my guidance that I didn’t like this place or experience and the torture of all this waiting. I wondered if there was any way to not feel like this or is it just my burden to bear in this life? They told me they could help and I got a sense of how – an unexpected, exciting invitation – and I replied with, “But it never lasts and I am back to waiting so quickly.” It does seem that way – a never-ending game of waiting.

Since I was advised to write myself a letter, I guess I will.

Dear Future Me,

I hope you have gotten where you wished to go in life and that you are finally feeling fulfilled and interested. 

You deserve it. 

Life is short. Take advantage of each moment, each tiny opportunity, while you can because it will be in the past before you know it. 

It is not your fault. Remember that.

Focus on what you love and disregard the rest. It is a waste of your time and energy.

Love,

Me

2022 Goals Update and Other News

 A recap on the goals I set for 2022:

• Train a new AP Manager (replacement) and then train/move into the position of CFO for our company.
• Begin taking HD courses with the end goal of becoming an HD analyst.
• Buy an RV to use to escape on solo trips as needed.

All of my goals have been either reached or begun. 🙂

Progress on the first goal has been slowest. I have been training to be the CFO but there was recently an unexpected change to the process. I have been unsuccessful in convincing my bosses to hire another AP Manager to take my place so I would have more time to devote to training. My husband tried to convince the other owners to do this, but his brother insists on learning the CFO duties first and then says he will decide what to do.

Just this week the picture became clearer when I was informed that I will be stepping into the Treasurer position which includes a move to salary from hourly. The Treasurer position is technically the same as the AP Manager position I already occupy, the only differences are a few other duties in addition to supervising another employee.

I’m not disappointed, really. I have wanted to be salaried from the beginning and felt I should have been “promoted” long ago. However, I’ve been told more than once now by the current CFO that her duties will be split between the new owners. 

How do I feel about this? I am okay with it and not worried. It may end up that I do take on the CFO position at some point. If not, my current job is not difficult. I can do it in my sleep. So, I will be fine either way. 

I’ve made progress on my second goal so far in that I have completed the Rave ABC’s course. I’ve not decided if I want to take the Rave Cartography course just yet or if I will continue on to take the professional courses towards becoming an HD analyst. My main concern is the cost and time of taking these courses. I prefer self-paced (so I can finish faster) courses to scheduled, 2 hour Zoom meetings once a week for six weeks or more. I’m not an auditory learner, so listening to someone lecture for 2 hours is not my idea of a fun time. The slides help, but the pace is so slow that I end up watching videos on my phone or getting chores done between slides. 

Some may wonder, “How can you learn if you aren’t paying attention?” Well, funny thing is, even if I am not listening or focusing on the course and lectures, I learn. It is part of my Human Design, in fact. I suck up everything around me like a sponge regardless of focus. Besides, mostly I tune out the numerous examples and personal stories of the teacher.

Goal three has not been a disappointment but I haven’t been able to spend much time in the RV yet. The two times I’ve stayed the night left me sleep deprived. The first was because it was too cold. The second time I slept in the RV my boys begged to come along and so I let them. I didn’t get good sleep that time either. 

So far the electric and water have not been completed at my mom’s. There are 30 amp hook-ups and two water hook-ups but our RV requires 50 amp. We can use 30 amp but it means we don’t have full power. So, my husband has been helping my step-father put in the 50 amp hook-up but it is slow-going. 

Other News

My Sister

Late last year I wrote a post about my sister and her husband trying to leave the state because my BIL had a felony warrant out for check fraud. Everything was quiet up until the beginning of February. The first clues that something was up came to me via dreams. I had an unexpected dream of my sister and BIL that woke me. I can’t recall why I woke now, I just remember that in the dream they had driven up to my mom’s house, surprising us. Two days later my sister posted on FB when she hadn’t posted or had contact with any of us for months.

Skip to last weekend. I had another dream about my sister, this time she was still married to her ex. It was odd and I wondered about it but didn’t think anymore on it. On Sunday I went and visited with my mom while my husband helped connect water and electric to the spot our RV will soon occupy. My mom and I sat down, had some tea and chatted. She told me that my sister had called to invite her to her son’s birthday party. During the call my nephew told her, “My dad’s in jail.” My sister confirmed. My mom showed me my BIL’s mugshot via the county jail website. He was booked into jail on January 31st. 

The relief on my mom’s face was obvious and I was – am – relieved as well. I knew his illegal activities would eventually catch up to him. I don’t know the how of the story but it doesn’t really matter. Whether he will have to serve the typical year sentence, we don’t know. We just know that as long as he is in jail things will be more stable for my sister and her son. 

Cancun

Some other positive news – I’m going to Cancun with my daughter in April! It kinda just fell in my lap. My SIL called me up last week asking if she could take my daughter with her to Cancun as an early birthday present. My SIL and BIL and their two children as well as a family friend and her two daughters were going as well, so I said it was okay. My daughter was thrilled and my SIL purchased her a ticket. 

About an hour later, while having dinner with a friend, I thought, “I want to go! I wonder if I can?” I immediately texted my SIL and within ten minutes I had a ticket, too. 

The amount of excitement I felt was unexpected as was the spontaneous decision I made to go. I have not yet felt any doubt about the decision either. I think it will be awesome and I can’t wait! We will be there five nights total, long enough to hang out at the beach and visit some of the local attractions. I would like to see the Mayan ruins in the area and visit a cenote (sinkhole filled with water) which I’ve heard are spectacular. 

One thing that is completely out of character for me with this decision is that I have no concerns whatsoever about how this trip will go. I have no worries about accommodations or the number of people or Covid testing requirements or anything. No anxiety at all. Usually I worry about who I will be staying with because their energy may impact my sleep. Not this time. Even with two of the children being very young I have no concerns. When I’ve wondered about this the answer from within I get is, “It will be fine” and I believe it.

Emergence

The end of February brought with it a tangible, energetic shift. All of February felt “off” energy-wise to me. I was antsy and somewhat stuck in the muck and mire of my monkey-mind. Then suddenly it shifted, almost over night, and I wasn’t. I want to say it happened around 2.22.22, or very soon thereafter.

When before my guidance was quiet and my dreams almost nonexistent, suddenly my guidance was back and my dreams became more memorable. One of my dreams was a Kundalini dream that I didn’t post about because it was like so many of my other ones. In summary, I discovered my “husband” had cheated on me twice – once with a man and another time with a 16yr old girl. When I confronted him, he took joy in recounting his experience with the girl and then tried to persuade me to be with him. I told him I wanted nothing to do with his penis ever again. lol Then, suddenly, I felt an electric, “fire” of ecstasy that shot from my root upward. I awoke in complete shock. My guidance was close, which I hadn’t experienced in a long while.

Another change came in the form of me suddenly being more social. When normally I turn down invitations to gatherings, I found myself accepting invitations. For example, our company had a reward dinner for certain office staff and I was invited. I agreed straight away even though it was last minute. Throughout the dinner I felt no anxiety or discomfort. I enjoyed myself.

Around this same time I saw a picture on FB that was painted by one of my FB friends. It looked so similar to one of my own that I almost commented but decided not to. A couple of days later the picture popped up again. This time I shared my own painting, paying attention to the meaning it help for me. The painting is of a ball of fire emerging from the dark depths and is called “Emergence”. 

I knew that the meaning of the painting was a message. I am in the process of my own emergence now. 

The 6th Line Transition

Recently, in my Rave ABC’s class, we discussed each of the lines of the Hexagram in detail. There were details about the 6th line that stood out to me as if to prepare me for what is coming:

As a 6th line in HD, I have spent the last two decades, “on the roof”. During this time I have been healing and recovering, preparing to come down “off the roof”. Coming down off the roof = emergence.

• 6th lines begin to prepare for their “flowering” when they enter their North Node phase, around age 38. Their flowering stage is post-50yrs, during their Kiron cycle.
• Your life is going to “flower” and take you where you need to go. There is no pressure, no rush and definitely no instant gratification. It takes time to go through the cycles, so relax into it. Don’t be in such a hurry.
• When you’re on the roof you’re finally making money, you’re more optimistic, acting as a leader and an authority. But your Kiron is coming and if you resist, you can fall into “lethal” decisions.
• 6th lines are always looking forward, always looking for the upcoming transition. Transition is what the 6th line is all about.

I find it interesting that around the age of 38 is when I shifted into a career altogether different than any career I’ve previously had in this life. It came about as a result of me asking the Universe to give me what I needed and it was given to me on a silver platter. I wonder now if the job I have currently is somehow the one that is taking me where I need to go. Will it take me to that place of fulfillment I’m naturally designed for? Hmm.

Interestingly, during the last Rave ABC’s class, the teacher took time to talk to all the 6th lines in the class about their Kiron Return – when to expect it and what to expect on the way to it, during and after. When she came to me she told me that I am probably already noticing the shift. She described how it could feel using her own transition period as an example, saying she dropped things and people from her life and felt a sense of nothingness ahead. She said she expected to feel this way all the time and then everything just suddenly shifted. People came into her life, opportunities flowed in and she was pulled along into a fulfilling new life. 

It sounds easy, but I suspect I will be one of those who doesn’t go willingly. It is advised to not resist or there can be “lethal consequences”. As Ra says on pg. 45 in the Rave ABC’s Student Manual, “But if the 6th Line is screaming and yelling, wailing in pain as it’s dragged from the roof, the gods are going to kill it quickly.” lol I can see myself doing this!

So, while on the roof, things get really, really good for the 6th line. This is definitely how it has been for me so far. My bank account is definitely “filling up” and I am in a position at work where I am seen as an authority. The only way I would resist coming down from the roof is if those things were taken away in order to come down. I hope that is not how it works. 

Human Design: The Lines of the Hexagram

I finished the Rave ABC’s class. There is one last assignment, one I had already done earlier in the course because I was curious. The assignment is to reflect on the lines of my hexagram imprinting, both conscious and unconscious. 

First, a review of the lines and characteristics.

First Line:

• Represents the essence of the hexagram
• Introspection, study, research, detail
• Looking inward, trying to find the basis of things
• Insecurity and fear
• Self-involved
• Investigation out of insecurity
• Needs to study to develop a solid foundation
• Becomes an authority through study
• Needs to stand on a solid foundation

Second Line:

• Absorbed in it’s own process as a natural
• Here to be called out
• Does not understand its own talent
• Not interested in studying or investigating
• Nervous about being an object of projection or expectation
• Can feel inadequate 
• Antisocial, hermit, wants to be left alone
• Absorbed in itself
• Waiting for “the call”

Third Line:

• Expresses the movement from the lower Hexagram to the higher
• Absorbed in its own process
• More contact with the outside world than the 1 or 2
• Trial and error theme, many experiences, bumping into things in order to discover
• Here to adapt and discover the nature of the world
• Must experience to understand
• Learns by experience what doesn’t work
• Can become pessimistic if it doesn’t understand its process
• A martyr, standing up for a principle and can end up with martyr complex “why me?”
• Learning through failure helps it bring new solutions to the world

Fourth Line:

• Externalizes wisdom when the opportunity arises
• Relates to the 1st line foundation
• Fixed in its externalization without resistance
• Will abdicate if there is resistance
• Exerts tremendous influence
• Needs a stable network – this is where opportunities come from
• Suffers from people fatigue – needs time alone
• Wants friendship as a basis of interaction
• Friendship before intimacy
• Very friendly line

Fifth Line:

• Most transpersonal line
• Carries karma; will meet “known” forces
• Heretic – universalizes something new
• Others project onto the 5th line as a savior
• Possesses the power to attract attention
• Others are naturally open to 5th lines, giving the 5th line the ability to penetrate them
• Timing is critical 
• Once they penetrate they need to leave otherwise they are subject to negative projection
• Reputation is very important – they can be paranoid
• Its healthy to be suspicious of the projection field
• They need to be practical

6th Line:

• Not part of the hexagram but a transition to the next hexagram
• Separate but connected
• To become an authority, role model and example of the hexagram
• Objective administrator/authority
• Naturally aloof
• Three phase development process
• From the 3rd line phase to the 6th line optimism phase 
• At the Kiron return it is called off the roof to re-enter the world living as an example
• Knows the difference between what is trusted or not
• Can be very influential
• Not healthy to be a hypocrite

Below are the lines I have, conscious and unconscious:

Line 1

Unconscious:
Venus, Gate 27 – The Gate of Caring, Line 1 “Selfishness”, the power to care for ones self first but not at the expense of others

Conscious:
North Node, Gate 44 – The Gate of Alertness, Line 1, “Conditions”, the establishment of frameworks
South Node, Gate 24 – The Gate of Rationalization, Line 1 “The Sin of Omission”, retrogressive periods needed before renewal
Mars, Gate 47 – Gate of Realization, Line 1, “Taking Stock”, eradicate the negative
Pluto, Gate 48 – The Gate of Depth, Line 1 “Insignificance”, recognizes the practical 

Line 2

Unconscious:
Sun, Gate 2 – Gate of Direction of Self, Line 2 “Genius”, a natural gift for unlearnable knowledge 
Earth, Gate 1 – The Creative, Line 2 “Love is Light”, Self-expression conditioned by ideals and values
Jupiter, Gate 24 – The Gate of Rationalization, Line 2, “Recognition”, the gift of conceptualizing spontaneously
Saturn, Gate 56 – The Gate of Stimulation, Line 2, “Linkage”, stimulating expression that will take time to mature and needs recognition

Conscious:
Venus, Gate 29 – The Abysmal, Line 2, “Assessment”, persistence tempered by caution
Uranus, Gate 28 – Gate of the Game Player, Line 2 “Adventurism”, distasteful alliance

Line 3

Unconscious:
Uranus, Gate 28, Gate of the Game Player, Line 3 “Shaking Hands with the Devil”, Unfounded risk taking
Neptune, Gate 5 – The Gate of Fixed Patterns, Line 3 “Compulsiveness”, The fear engendered by the sense of helplessness resulting in unnecessary stress and activity.

Conscious:
Mercury, Gate 59 – The Gate of Sexuality, Line 3, “Openness”, sexual bonding, The ability to break down barriers to achieve union.

Line 4

Unconscious:
Mars, Gate 62 – The Gate of Details, Line 4 “Asceticism”, Caution, patience and detail produce excellence out of limitation.
Mercury, Gate 20 – The Gate of the Now, Line 4, “Application”, Recognition and awareness in the now which transforms understanding into right action

Conscious:
Jupiter, Gate 8 – The Gate of Contribution, Line 4 “Respect”, The gift of naturally recognizing the contributions of others and particularly, the acknowledgement of those who lead by example.

Line 5

Unconscious:
Moon, Gate 53 – The Gate of Beginnings, Line 5 “Assertion”, fuel to begin something new, wait for clarity

Conscious:
None

Line 6

Unconscious:
North Node, Gate 44 – The Gate of Alertness, Line 6 “Aloofness”, memory
South Node, Gate 24, The Gate of Rationalization, Line 6, “The Gift Horse”, fear of ignorance
Pluto, Gate 18 – The Gate of Correction, Line 6 “Buddhahood”, Uphold and defend basic human rights

Conscious:
Sun, Gate 33 – The Gate of Privacy, Line 6 “Disassociation”, end of a cycle, retreat to understand
Moon, Gate 9 – The Gate of Focus, Line 6 “Gratitude”, The joy which comes with accepting small rewards for small victories.
Saturn, Gate 31 – The Gate of Influence, Line 6 “Application”, Leadership whose expression and action must be one and the same.
Neptune, Gate 9 – The Gate of Focus, Line 6, “Gratitude”, The joy which comes with accepting small rewards for small victories.

Considerations

As expected for my 6/2 Profile, I have the highest number of 6th lines at 8 total followed by 6 total 2nd lines. To my surprise, the next highest is the 1st line at 5 total, followed by the 3rd and 4th lines both at 3 total. I only have one 5th line. 

When looking at what lines are conscious vs. unconscious, I find that I have more conscious lines in the 6th line (5) than any other line and have more unconscious lines in the 2nd line (4) than any other. This matches my 6/2 Profile. Again, I am surprised by the 1st line because 4 are conscious!

So, thus far, the biggest surprise to me is the number of 1st lines I have. 4 out of 5 of them are conscious. I dislike associating with 1st lines for the most part. My biggest complaint is that they cannot be told anything without first confirming it for themselves. Perhaps this is because I feel the least number of invitations from 1st lines because of this personality trait? I do recognize my own tendency to research and discover the truth for myself before taking anyone’s word for it, though, so I tend to get along well with 1st lines if we are researching the same topic(s). 

I also recognize in myself an insecurity that comes with the 1st line. I don’t like this part of myself, however, as I feel it is a weakness more than a strength. This could also be my 2nd line tendency to feel inadequate, though.

Something that is also interesting is my North and South nodes are conscious 1st line with unconscious 6th line (1/6) as is Pluto (1/6). I’m not really sure of the significance of this yet. 

With all the 1st, 2nd and 6th lines in my BodyGraph, it is no surprise that I am more self-involved than others. I prefer to be alone and separate myself from others, observing others from the periphery.