Death and Hair Dye

I am not trying to be morbid, really. It’s just that my dreams are morbid lately. Specifically they seem to be discussions between myself and my group of guides about the possibility of death in the near future.


My night was filled with many wakings and, in-between wakings, lots of dreams. The first dream I recall was about my own death. In all my life I have never had a dream of my own death! The dream wasn’t about the death event itself, it was more about me, in Spirit, attending to people who would grieve my passing.

I went around in what appeared to be this hazy, 3D space that was partially lit but mostly dark and shadowy. I heard people talking amongst themselves and could see their shadows around me. They were talking about me. How the accident was unexpected and I died quickly, likely experiencing no pain. I immediately assumed it was a car accident and became more interested.

The majority of the dream continues in a haze with me hearing people talking about me and watching their reactions to my death. I saw my mother and my older sister among other people. I do not remember seeing my husband and three children. My older sister was especially upset, nearing hysterics, and her emotion drew me to her. I felt helpless as I watched her cry, knowing it was me who caused her reaction but also feeling it was necessary.

Hair Dye

This dream was a pun on death. I didn’t know it until I woke up, though.

It was set in a hair salon but it was closed and dark. I was inside and aware that someone was trying to break in. I hid beneath some chairs and watched as the people broke in. They were not bad looking but I felt I should hide anyway. There was a brief period of some part of the dream that I do not remember here. I just recall that my deceased grandparents were in it and there was discussion amongst us about our family and memories of this life. I also recall feeling as if I were with my grandparents on the Other Side waiting for the rest of my family to return Home.

At some point I found myself back in the salon talking to a woman. She was showing me a package of hair dye. She said, “I bought it for $17.99”. I remember looking at it and its contents and then telling her, “I usually pay over $100 to get my hair dyed. That is why I usually only do it once a year”.

I awoke suddenly at this point. I was frantic. Death? Hair dye = dying? What is going on??

My guide was close saying, “It’s alright” but I did not think it was alright. My dreams told me what was going on. I was discussing my own death. Why? And I remember talking to my guide some time ago about when I would die. He told me, “You will know”, as if I would just know when my time was close. I did not really understand what he was talking about back then but now, at this particular moment, I was beginning to understand.

You see, a part of me was calm and rational while the other part, the part freaking out after waking from a dream, was irrational and emotional. The rational part said it was okay, this was just part of the process and that I still had time but needed to get my shit together. I tried to ignore that part of me, wanting more to think it was all just an odd dream, but my heart felt differently and my third eye was buzzing.

Eventually, after I calmed down, I let myself doze some more but felt I would never return to sleep. As I lay there, I began feeling I should get a will written up and started to think about what to do with my assets. It was bothersome and made no sense. Really? A will? I am too young for that.


I managed to fall asleep again and found myself in another dream about death. This time I was visiting my mother’s home in the future. I discovered that my mother had agreed to help my two sisters financially, even letting them live with her again. Rather than charge them rent she decided they needed her help for free but she told me that I would not get it for free and that I owed her $9,100 from the time when I stayed with her during hard times. I was upset. I had paid her rent and even gave her money for food during that time. If anything, we were even! I got so mad at her that I packed up my things and told my husband I was never going to talk to her again. On my way out I saw my sisters and told them I hoped they enjoyed their free ride. I was not mad at them but I did not feel a part of their life. I had a feeling of being “done” when I left the home.

When I was leaving, a group of family I did not recognize was driving up. I had a BB gun in my hand for some reason and began shooting at them. I recall seeing a pool and walking around it toward them, telling them to not be afraid, it was just a BB gun.

There was something about my grandparents in this dream as well, though I can’t recall it now. The feeling was that I was no longer a part of the family anymore. That I was not needed. There was also a feeling of injustice.

I woke up with a start again, this time wide awake. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I checked the time. 5:00am. I tossed and turned but still couldn’t go to sleep. I was also hungry. Grrr! So I got up and ate some yogurt and saw my husband leaving the house with baby in tow. He was going for a run at 5:30am. Not unusual but it got me to worrying that he would forget to get my daughter ready for school. It was his turn.

Conscious Exit

When I returned to bed for the umpteenth time I decided to just lay on my back and “rest”. I considered that I might astral since it was happening so frequently. So I asked my guide to help me experience it more thoroughly this time. I really wanted to pay attention to the details that I often ignore. But honestly, I just wanted to go back to sleep and get my dreams out of my head. I did not want to confront the possibility of my own death.

I must have fallen to sleep, but I don’t remember doing so. I became lucid almost immediately because I was laying in my bed talking to a friend’s daughter and she was acting like a little baby. She is 4 years old, though. I looked at her closely in the dream and the dream scene vanished and went black.

I immediately became aware that I was floating in a horizontal position. I thought I was in my body at first but then as soon as I had this thought I decided to test it. I floated up a bit and then I went down and through the bed. I also went vertical when this happened. I had only mental vision until I recognized I was OOB. The instant I recognized it, my vision turned on vividly.

I was hit with memories of my earlier conscious exits and the familiarity helped me recognize that all I needed to do now was seize the opportunity by taking that first “step” away from my body. I sat up and, feeling I was free, took off flying.

I do not recall leaving through the window or the passage that led from the scene within my bedroom to the one I ended up in. I was just instantly somewhere else. I was flying very fast, too. So fast that the scene buzzed by without me taking much notice.

I slowed and hovered for a moment above what looked to be a college campus because there was this green lawn collegesurrounded by sidewalks that circled it. All about where young people in groups. Some were sitting on the grass, others were walking together with books in hand. They all seemed happy. I did not know who they were or why I was there and did not really stop to consider it. I just knew I was not interested. I also felt like I had come to a present-time scene somewhere and was literally watching students start their day at school.

I saw a young man with sandy blonde hair and a horizontally striped polo shirt walking with some friends near the road. For some reason I decided to fly right through him. When I did, I did not feel anything really except a pause, as if I were slowed down for a moment, but the young man stopped and I heard him call out in surprise. He never saw me, though.

Excited that I was successful, I flew up and over the road where I saw a group of young students waiting at a covered bus stop. I did not recognize it or where it was and just flew by, hoping to catch some of what they were saying. I was thoroughly convinced that I was in present time and hoping I could get information about where I was.

I did hear them talking but it was not about anything that could help me determine where I was. They were just talking about school, friends, things they had done – normal conversation. I gave up and flew up in the sky and felt it pull me upward. I felt unable to stop moving up and I accelerated. Immediately upon realizing I was being pulled up, my vision blacked out. For some reason, though, I calmed down and began to reorient myself in space, righting myself vertically and saying, “Clarity now” once, though not with much certainty.

When my vision returned, I was floating over a city. It was dark, right before dawn I think because I could see the commuter traffic below me with their headlights on and could see that the street lights were lit despite the early light of dawn that made it possible to see without them. I became excited at this point and flew down alongside cars as they passed by. Again, I was hoping to hear conversations that would tell me where I was. I got close to a few cars but could not get inside. I noticed some people saw me while others did not. I also noted that the cars with people in them that saw me had children in them and were very full.

I decided to get inside a car by going in through the windshield. I came close and saw a baby in its car seat and stopped short because the man inside could see me. He looked at me like, “What the hell?” I was confused. Why did these people see me?

I flew up and above traffic, watching the lights pass by like a time lapsed video of traffic at night. It was beautiful! I moved along with it, faster still, and saw an overpass in front of me. I decided to go through it and when I did I could feel every fiber of it as it passed through me. I felt, for a moment, that I became the overpass.


Then I was on the other side of the overpass. Triumphant, my vision went black and I instantly felt transitioned to another place. This time I was not alone. I was with a small girl, about the age of nine, with strawberry blond hair that went down to her waist. She held my hand and we walked through some rooms together. I asked her, “So this is the house?” She replied, “Yes”. 

I do not remember seeing anything special about the house but I do remember wondering if this was my future house. It was nice, quaint and very pretty overall. When we got into the living area I noticed that the windows had horizontal, wooden slats over them instead of curtains and they were not solid but had large spaces between them and the next slat. I could see outside through the windows. It was in the country. I remember asking the little girl a couple of times, “Is Ms. Dee here?” I don’t remember hearing an answer and I have no idea who Ms. Dee is.

The little girl went outside and I remember saying how nice it was there. She agreed and wanted to show me the back yard. We stepped out into the sunshine and I saw tall pine trees, bright blue sky and green foliage all around. The air was crisp and familiar. It was Alaska! But, I don’t live in Alaska. I ignored the confusion I was feeling and continued to follow the girl. It was a nice place.

As I stepped into the large back yard, I noticed I was on a patio that had steps leading down. I went down a couple and saw that on my right were pens. Inside were baby chickens. Their plumage blended in with the hay and pen, a mottled brown. I said, “Oh, baby chickens!” and the little girl stopped and we looked at them. 

I then spotted baby ducks as well. They also blended in and were a mottled brown color. They were very tiny and both the chicks and ducklings did not move much.

As the two of us walked up some stairs I stopped and pointed out two chicks to the little girl. “Be careful! There are two of them!” I could barely see them as they blended in with the dark wood of the steps.

Then my vision blacked out and I again found myself horizontal and floating superimposed over my physical body. My vision was clear and vivid, though, and as I blinked I could see white lace curtains over the window. The light was bright and it was so real I wondered if I should exit my body again. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I floated there for a little while, watching the lace curtains. Then I blinked and when I opened my eyes they were heavy and resistant and I could feel the shift that comes with settling back into my body. I opened my eyes and saw purple curtains with light shining through. Where did the lace ones come from?

What is Going on?

It has been an odd month. I have astral traveled quite frequently – twice this week alone and I am only half way through this week! My dreams have also been very vivid and strange. Plus, the death theme is starting to worry me. All this along with the realization that there is some kind of planning going on while I am in dreamland has me worried. Am I really preparing to exit this life?

Yesterday, while trying to watch a video by William Buhlman on YouTube, my guide approached me and I felt this sense of urgency. I did not really want to talk but his mere presence caused me to question the crazy dreams and experiences I have been having. I asked if it was true that I was nearing the end of this life. He did not answer but instead I was hit with a memory, it just popped into my mind.

I am a runner and ran a half marathon after the birth of my second son. I remembered it vividly and then, after I realized the memory fully, I heard my guide ask me, “When did you start to feel tired?” I remembered the tired feeling hit me around mile 12 of 13.1 miles. Then I recognized a similar tired feeling in this life. The feeling hit me the beginning of last year and has been increasing ever since. I suddenly saw a correlation and ultimately why my guide was asking me to compare the two.

On a long run you come to a point where you want to give up. You can’t yet see the finish line but you have been running so long and are so tired that all you can think about is giving up. You want to stop. You are tired to your bones. But you know, if you keep going, just a little bit farther, you will see the finish line. That is when your energy suddenly returns and you run enthusiastically. The triumph is palpable and when you cross the finish line you are greeted with a mass of people and cheers. You are tired and you instantly refuel and rest. You made it.

In this life I am at the 12 mile mark, or have been for a while. I can’t see the finish line and I just want to quit. I am so tired. I ache deep inside and feel I cannot go one more step. But, if what I am shown is correct, the finish line is just around the corner. It will come into view soon and the sight of it will re-energize me. I can’t give up when I am almost there!

The logical part of me wants to know how long, of course. So I got out my calculator to determine what percentage of the half marathon was finished before I felt ready to quit. It came out to 92%. If I apply that percentage to my current life, 92% means I have 4 more years to go.

All I can say is that if this analogy is taken literally I really do need to get my shit together.

OBE: Blue Raven

blograven3This morning my sleep was interrupted at 4am by a very upset baby boy. I spent an hour calming him down and did not expect to be able to sleep afterward. I had already had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep but I did consider that if I fell asleep I would likely get to astral.

Broken Kindle

I found myself in a semi-lucid dream. I was in a classroom with other students, but I was not a student. I was not a teacher, either. I was just an observer. It was a small classroom and the students were in math class. Strangely they were reading books that were very thick with brightly colored pictures on them. They were reading aloud and the words rhymed in some places and in others they appeared to be puzzles. I looked at the page they were on because the teacher expected me to read but I could not locate it. As I was looking over the shoulder of a pretty black girl with long, braids down her back, I saw the word “Roosevelt” but it was mixed with pictures of the statue of liberty and other symbols. I laughed when I saw it because I knew the word despite the pictures.

I left the classroom for a moment because my eyes were very heavy with sleep and I needed to wake up. When I returned the students were all having lunch but no one was in the room to supervise them. They were laughing and horsing around. I went over to where I was sitting and noticed a dark object smashed on the floor. I rushed over to it because it looked familiar. Sure enough, it was my kindle and it had been smashed. I asked who did it and no one came forward. I looked at each of them and went to this one black kid and grabbed him. I opened up his mouth and looked inside saying, “You did it, didn’t you?” He was trying to say no as I looked at his top row of teeth and saw two missing. I said, “I knew it!” as if the teeth were proof.

Some people came in and grabbed him, dragging him away. He was protesting and angry, yelling at me. I remember thinking, “Maybe he didn’t do it?” and feeling worried I had been wrong.

Blue Raven

Something about the dream sparked memories of my present life and I became very lucid. I recalled my past, when I had similar encounters with young boys and girls like the ones in my dream. Each time I had been conflicted. I knew they were hurting, though not from me specifically, but from life, and a part of me wanted to grab hold of them and hug them all. Yet it was my job to make them accountable and I knew they must learn their lessons the hard way and my softening the consequences or giving them none at all would only prolong their lessons.

In the same instant that I became lucid and had these memories, I felt my body become very stiff and rigid. I also felt the familiar buzzing all over my body and a feeling of being in two places – in my body and out of my body. At the same time I instantly knew I was transitioning out of body and my heart began to pound in anticipation. I struggled to slow down my heart rate and calm down because I knew that it would keep me from leaving my body.

I distinctly felt every part of my body. It is like the buzzing energy made it that much more obvious that I had a body. My face, my back, my arms folded up around a pillow – all of it was very solid feeling. But there was an odd, alien feeling to it as well. It was as if I was not suppose to be there; it was very obvious my body was not me.

All these thoughts and feelings happened in an instant. As soon as I felt as if my body were a foreign object, I rolled out of it and onto the floor next to my bed. But I did not fall on the floor or go through it, which has happened to me in the past. Instead I instantly shot up and hovered in the room for an instant as I got my bearings. I knew I was OOB and could feel the momentum of my astral body as it spun and shifted hovering next to the bed. The sensations were intense and real and I knew I was more aware than I had been in a long time.

But I could not see and I wanted to. I was still able to sense my physical body strongly and felt it pulling me towards it. I felt the heaviness of the pillow up against my left eye and cheek. I kept wanting to rub my physical eyes and had an intense desire to open them. Knowing if I hovered there much longer that I would not be able to resist the pull of my physical body, I flew towards the door and down the stairs. My astral body tumbled and rolled around and around in circles as I flew. I felt like a big ball of energy tumbling forward. I remembered this feeling from my earliest astral travels and recognized that I was being reminded of this for a reason.

As I began rolling and tumbling down the stairs my vision began to flash in and out. I again knew why without knowing how I knew it. I was still to aware of my physical body and there was a slight feeling of anxiety mixed with anticipation that came with that. This caused my astral sight to fade out each time I “touched” my physical body with my mind.

I had to get out of the house. Surely that would get me far enough away from my physical body to allow me to focus on this body?

As I reached the front door I saw it clearly before my eyes. It shown like a white portal to another land and I was excited at the prospect of going through it.

I went through, expecting to feel the fibers of the door and become one with it for an instant as I went through it. But that didn’t happen. Instead my vision came on strong and clear and I was in a totally different house. In front of me was the living area, brightly lit with wood floors. Beyond that was the kitchen. I flew into the kitchen and looked at the layout. To my right was the dining area and cabinets surrounding the main kitchen. I saw the bar that opened up into the living room and recognized the white supports that held up the upper cabinets. To the left was another open area and I could see personal items tacked to a cork board. I knew this place. But from where? I couldn’t remember.

I went up to the cork board to get a closer look. Perhaps I could find something written there that could tell me whose house I was in? I saw letters but when I read them the meaning was lost to me. It was like the moment I read what was written the words became jumbled and unintelligible. I saw what looked like a little girl’s birthday party invitation. It had pink and silver and gold stars that came out in a star burst above some pink lettering. I gave up reading anymore, though, because I was getting nowhere.

I instinctively knew that the hallway behind the kitchen led to bedrooms, so I followed it and went into the first bedroom on the right. I was looking for someone but I didn’t know who.

I saw the bed and no one was in it. Where were they? Then I looked to my right and curled up on a sofa on one side of the room with a blanket over them was a body. I knew it was a woman. I saw a flash of her face in my mind. She had short, reddish blond hair and a round face. She appeared to be in her mid-40’s. I flew towards the woman’s sleeping body with my arm outstretched and put my hand right into the bundle that was her body. My hand went inside of her to where her heart should have been, but I felt no resistance. I honestly have no idea why I put my hand inside of her. Some part of me, however, felt I was intruding and doing something “wrong” and anticipated the woman’s response. I felt as if I were playing a joke on her.

The woman’s astral body came flying up and out of her body in a panic. She flew out the room so quickly that it surprised me and I turned to try and catch her. It must have shocked me as well because I went back to my own body. Before I knew it, I again felt my body, rigid and stiff and buzzing with energy. I tried to get out of my body again but felt pinned inside it, my arms and legs heavy and cumbersome. My mind raced. I want back out but I have to get up soon. I want to get out but I have to get my daughter ready for school.

raven.phoenixThen I saw this bird fly out in front of my astral eyes. A large raven. I watched it fly up and away from me and down the stairs. I followed, feeling again the tumbling of my astral body, but my physical body weighed me down, pulling me back to it. It felt as if I were dragging my physical body behind me. I tried to focus on the bird and watched it fly in circles at the top of the stairwell. As I watched it, my vision began to strobe – black/white to color, black/white to color. When I saw in color, the bird was a vibrant blue.

I struggled to stay OOB, hovering in the stair way watching the blue bird flying around. It beckoned to me to follow it. But I couldn’t. I had to wake up. It was time to wake up.

Finally, I gave in. It was time to wake up. I opened my physical eyes and checked the time. 6:09am. Time to get up.

Who is Ray?

But I didn’t want to get up yet. I still had time. So I lingered in bed for a bit, dozing. As I did, I saw an image of what appeared to be a large bowl or disc. It was so large a person could fit inside of it. Then I saw a man’s face in front of the disc and the hint of a blue color around it. The man had dark brown hair and brown eyes with pale skin and appeared to be in his early to mid-thirties. I did not know who he was but I said to my guide, “That’s Ray”. He said, “Yes. Did you know he committed suicide?” “No!”, I said. “He killed himself?”, I asked. “Yes”, was the reply. “Too bad”, I said. It was as if some part of me knew who this man was.

Wondering about the man in the vision I saw I thought perhaps the message was that this man had killed himself in a past life. It felt right and I let it be. Besides, I had no Earthly idea who this man was.


Before going to bed last night I spoke with my guide briefly. I didn’t say much but what I did say was in reference to the “discrepancy plan” that came up in yesterday’s blog post. I thought about how difficult it has been to be living this life in between two worlds. My guide agreed with me and told me it was done by finding balance. I knew this to be true. I told him, “If I could do something for me it would be alright”. After thinking for a bit I thought that if I got to astral travel more that it could help with that balance. I questioned my guide about it and he said, “You’re right”, which surprised me. I thought astral would cause more problems but it seems that perhaps it has been decided that it might do more good than harm. I then thought it may be good to use astral to help me with life, like I have seen so many others say it has. I then set the intention that if I did get to astral more that I want more awareness while OOB. I want to feel more, hear more, experience more and experience it more fully.

After the conversation last night, it is not really surprising that I got to leave my body this morning. I felt very connected to my guide throughout, though he was not visible, which is common. I also seemed to know that what was going on was a reintroduction to some of the basics that I had been taught years ago. My awareness was heightened and the movement of my astral body very noticeable when in the past it has been less so. I also felt my physical body and my astral body as two very different things. My physical body felt foreign and very much like the vehicle that it is. I do not remember feeling such a distinction in the past.

I am intrigued by the appearance of the raven in my dream. This bird has powerful symbolic meaning. It is truly a bird of death and rebirth, transformation and intuition. He is a guide, showing one their true and correct path. The blue color symbolizes communication and psychic awareness. In my OBE the raven was encouraging me to follow him. I now wish I had.

I Will Wait

I cannot quite explain how I’ve been feeling lately. It is not the familiar numb feeling or zoned out feeling, but it is similar. It is not a feeling of doom and gloom, either. I feel like I am waiting for something, but I don’t know what. It seems uncertain, as if there is a decision being made. When I am alone, my mind is blank except for continuing to hear OMD’s If You Leave, and more recently, Mumford & Sons, I Will Wait.

I continue to sense the shift in energy around me daily. Some days it is not as noticeable as others. Today the energy is heavy despite the bright blue sky dotted with puffy, cotton ball clouds. Occasionally the heavy feeling lets up and I can breathe only to have it come back and hit me and take my breath away again.

Is this shift in energy and weird feeling coming me? Is it the vibrational shift I keep reading about that comes with global ascension? Both?

I can’t help but keep feeling as if there is an in-depth discussion going on about me/with me on the Other Side. The decision? What to do now.

stormcloudsDiscrepancy Plan

Some people believe that life is pre-planned in complete before we chose to come into a body. They like to call it “fate”. I have never been one to believe this. It makes no sense. There are too many factors that prevent a completely scripted life. For example, a little girl who chooses to come into the life of a specific couple as their child understands that, although the “script” of their life says there will be no divorce, there is still a chance it could happen and completely alter the path of that child. Life cannot be completely scripted.

When such an event occurs, the individual can choose alternatives. It is the discrepancy plan. Discrepancy is defined as “an event that departs from expectations”. And as I type this I understand that this is what is happening now, to me.

I am not sure what my expectations were before this life, but I sure know that I do not like this feeling. It is an upside down, mixed up feeling. There is still the emotional exhaustion I have been feeling for quite some time. It feels like I have no energy left. Apathy. There is still the desire to continue underneath it all. A wrestling for hope, as if I am struggling to make it to the surface of the water for a breath of air.

And the songs that come to me have me questioning what is going on. Their messages seem to indicate that the decision that is to be made has to do with my continuing in this life. The OMD song lyrics, “Seven years went under the bridge, Like time was standing still. Heaven knows what happens now. You’ve gotta, you’ve gotta say you will” were pointed out to me by a friend. I recognized instantly the correlation to my life. This is the seventh year of my marriage and I have been working on my family that whole time. The song seems to be asking me to make a decision, “Stay or go?”. And the part the echoed in my head the most, “If you leave don’t leave now” and “If you leave, I won’t cry” suggest either decision is okay.

The Mumford & Sons song began before bed last night and came again as I woke and makes me wonder, “Who is waiting for me?” and “Why?” Does this song mean that I can take all the time I need to decide or just that it is okay to stay because my loved ones on the Other Side will wait?

Summer Camp

My dreams also indicate that I am struggling now. Last night I dreamed I was attending summer camp. I woke up groggily, not wanting to get out of bed but doing so because I was suppose to. I lined up to pay for my food and couldn’t decide what I was going to eat so paid the $5, asking for a certain item with an “X” in it’s name. I was told to get it when in the line. It turned out to be an artificial sweetener.

I got into the breakfast line but seemed unable to complete small tasks without assistance. For example, I had to be told to grab a bowl, silverware, tray and cup and then lost my cup as I went through the line. I was not interested in the food being served, though I did get some of it. When I sat down, I picked at my food and watched as my friends jabbered and talked excitedly about the day. One was discussing how to raise money for someone who needed it. I sat listening but disinterested, thinking how the person talking about raising funds was doing so to look good to others. 

One of my friends got my attention as I sat there and said, “Hey are you okay?” I said, “Yeah, I just need something to drink” and got up to get some coffee. As I got the coffee, I could not tell the difference between the coffee and creamer and remembered at the last minute that I could put the sweetener in it. I do not remember drinking it.

The last thing I remember is that my friend said to me, “Are you sure you’re okay? I think something is wrong with you”.

Completed House

Another dream I had was set inside a house. I was observing a couple who had bought a house and renovated it. I saw womanthere was a little girl as well. The house at first looked like a dilapidated shack but then was completely transformed. Its layout was similar to my current home with some improvements and I remember surveying the house in the dream and noticing the similarities. Oddly, I saw that the dining area had a tree in it with a baby swing. The ground rose up under the swing and was very nicely situated. I then noticed the curtains and blinds were very nice but there was a flower pattern on them that stood out to me, similar to the flowers from a previous dream I had recently.

Young Girl Crying

Finally, another odd occurrence as I lay dozing last night – I saw an image of a young woman crying. It was very vivid. She had short, red hair and seemed very familiar. I saw her tears first and knew the instant I saw the image that there was deep sorrow. I immediately wanted to know who she was, but got no answer. I sense that she had lost someone. 

I still don’t know if this image of the girl was Spirit trying to get through to me or if it was just a reflection of me. Perhaps it was both. I do know someone who fits the image I saw who did lose someone and could perhaps be feeling deep sorrow right now.


I do not like that I am posting negative things in my blog. I had hoped to skip those posts entirely. Yet I am feeling urged to do so. It is as if the negative posts complete the picture of who I am. The good and the bad go hand in hand. I am not perfect. I suffer like everyone else. This funk that I am in will not last. Everything changes. I know that the one thing I can rely on in this life is that nothing lasts forever.

Liger – June, 2014

In the brief lull of life change that I have been experiencing this week, I recently started to notice the other changes that have been occurring under the surface. These changes are in fact a result of what I was warned of many months ago – the “merging” process my guide told me was in process.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me start with some recent realizations I had that led to the conclusion I drew above.


Yesterday, while reviewing my previous blog posts, I read a few that reminded me of things my guides told me would occur. The first was that two people would help me. This was in July 2013 when I was struggling to accept that I was going to return to a job that was slowly eating away at me with the negativity it surrounded me with. I believe I have met both of these people. The first was the boss who initially hired me for the position I am now in. The second is the interim boss I now have.

How have they helped me? Well, the first, of course, she hired me and gave me reprieve from the horribly negative job I felt stuck in. But there was more to our meeting. As I got to know her I found in her a very wonderful person who wore her heart on her sleeve. Some would call her a bleeding heart even, but she was also a very strong and courageous being. Without going into her entire story, lets just say her life experiences put into perspective just how well-off I had it in life. She taught me that being emotional could be a strength and reminded me that my purpose was shared by many others. She also taught me the importance of having faith and trusting that God (or the universe) was fulfilling a larger purpose through me.

The second woman and helper is my current boss. Even though we had a rocky first few days together, she is already teaching me so much. This woman is an advanced being. She is much older than I am – she could be my mother – and the experience she brings to the table is priceless. Though she has never come right out and told me that she has spiritual gifts, she has revealed them to me with just a few statements and stories. For example, she told me a story about how she just knew that someone was stealing from her. It was one of those instances where she trusted her intuition and it proved right. When I expressed my surprise she said to me, “You are a smart woman. Some things we just know”. The way she spoke to me and her expression as she did so caused me to pause and consider that maybe, just maybe she was here to help me.

I have heard that the people we meet in life come to us as a result of our thoughts/emotions/Spirit. Like attracts like. We bring to us what we need to see in ourselves, even if we do not want to see it. Sometimes we just need to know that we are on the right path. Other times we need to see that which is holding us back. And there are numerous other lessons and messages.

Who Is In Control?

I have been having quite a few dreams lately where I am inside a vehicle. I have always considered those dreams symbolic of my life path. The vehicle represents my path and how well I am treading upon it. However, yesterday I was hit with another thought of what this could symbolize. Perhaps the vehicle is representative of this body that I am in? The physical body is the vehicle through which we experience life on Earth. How well we control our body and the mind that comes with it determines the success or failure of our life experience. For example, if you were driving a car and you fell asleep, what would happen? Well you would most certainly end up in an accident of some sort. If you are lucky you may just end up rolling to a stop on the side of the road. What would happen if you fell asleep in life? And in a car there is this handy, dandy instrument known as cruise control. As you may have learned from using it, cruise control is for cruising along on the same path. I think many of us get stuck on cruise control in life.

For some reason this thought came to me quite unexpectedly yesterday twice in the same day. Once, very appropriately, while driving home. The second time I was preparing for bed and kept thinking, “I am in control”. The thought was more of an understanding of how it is to be Spirit in a body and what has been going on with me for most of my life. For the majority of my life I have not been in control. I have either been on cruise control or I have been asleep at the wheel. Not very good results come from that. I have to be awake. I have to know my vehicle and how to control it. Believe it or not, I know these things but so much of life gets in the way and makes me forget. It is time to remember.

One-Horned Liger

As I was preparing for bed last night and after thoughts of “I am in control”, I began to feel that something somewhere was “off”. It was barely perceptible but there. I did not panic, I pushed it aside and fell asleep. I figured whatever it was would come to my attention when it was suppose to. I fell asleep wondering what I would dream about, knowing that while I slept lessons were being learned. I  have been sleeping so deeply for so many weeks now. Surely something is going on!

The one dream I remember is very vivid. I was in my SUV driving along a country road. I was not driving, a male companion was. I was looking out my window as I typically do when riding in a car. As I looked, I saw animals. First, I saw a small group of cow elk grazing along the side of the road. I pointed them out to my companion. Then I saw what appeared to be dead pigs and I also pointed those out saying, “I think I just saw a dead pig!” The last animal I saw was out of place. It looked like a large tiger but it had a single, white, spiral horn coming out of its head. It was sitting down and the horn was as long as half of its body!

I said to my companion, “There is a liger!” We discussed him for a little while. I asked if they were common and he said they were. He told me they ate a certain animal, though I can’t remember its name now. It was an animal that normally lives in Africa, though. I then saw a map in my mind that showed the range of the liger. The areas where ligers could be found were surrounding a small circular area in the middle. I remember feeling worried about encountering one. I was also surprised at how it looked, especially the single, spiral horn on its head. I also remember seeing the familiar orange stripes of the tiger when I first saw it and then it paled to almost a white color the next time I saw it.


Elk – A symbol of strength and endurance. It can also indicate that one needs to spend more time with

friends or eat a healthier diet. In my case it likely is the former.

Pig – Represents dirtiness, greediness, stubbornness and selfishness. Since the pigs I saw were dead, then it likely represents the end to such things. Yay!

Tiger – Since ligers are a mixture of a lion and a tiger, the symbolism would also be. Tigers represent personal power and one’s ability to exert it. Seeing one can symbolize the need to take on more of a leadership role in life. For me, this symbols says, “Take control of your life!”

Lion – The lion represents great strength, courage, aggression and power. It also indicates that the individual will overcome emotional issues they are struggling with. My overall message here is, “Balance”.

Horn – The horn of the unicorn has strong spiritual significance. The horn rises out from between the eyes where the third eye is located. This symbolizes intuition or spiritual sight. It also represents freedom from the ego-driven desire to acquire material wealth and the journey to the higher dimensions of Self.. It can also indicate a transformation from 3rd dimensional consciousness to the 4th and 5th levels.

Overall, the dream is a very promising one. I believe the animals are representative of my transformation. The elk is where I started, the dead pigs are what I learned and the liger is where I am at. I showed fear of the liger but was reassured there were many more (more like me). The impressive horn represents my end goal – to rise to higher states of consciousness and clear myself of that which impedes my progress in this life.


Now back to where I started out with this blog. How does all of the above tie into this “merging” my guide told me about? Well, from my understanding of the process, my guide, or Higher Self, will slowly become more and more integrated with me. In other words, my knowingness will increase and will be perceived differently. So far I have begun to notice subtle differences in my knowingness and overall they are pretty mind blowing.

Knowing What to Do

One subtle difference I have perceived is that I am getting messages on what to do when I need to do them. For example, I knew/was told it was time to “leave” my current home and move to a new one. The knowingness came with a strong feeling as well. What is mind blowing about this is not that I was told something but that I followed through and did it. When I did it everything moved very fast toward a very positive end result (that is still in process). I normally resist when I get such messages/urges. Why did I listen? Because I have changed.


I am more in control of my emotions and my reactions to life and people. I just am. I don’t know exactly when it happened but this morning it became very real to me.

I was awakened by my husband early and he began telling me of his upset from the night before. I realized that was what I perceived prior to bed and listened to his story. He continued to talk most of the morning but got very irritated at one point and began to try to start a fight. This is unlike him. Usually I would react and fall into the pattern of arguing with him, but this time I felt separate from it; like an observer more than a participant. I was very aware of what was happening and very calm. Because I was like this, the fight never happened. Instead, I felt victorious. I also realized that what I experienced could happen all the time. I am in control.

I am Not My Body

Logically, I understand that I am not my body. But spiritually, at a deeper level, I don’t think it really hit me until this morning after I avoided falling into usual patterns.

In Scientology, the body is a vessel only and the Spirit, or thetan, controls it; is the captain. We, the captain, are not actually inside the body but we surround it. This is hard to digest as we often think of ourselves as inside our bodies. For me, I think of it this way. We surround the body and use the various energy points (chakras) to control it. We also control the mind. Without us, there would be no mind but merely a reactive organism.

Like one learns to drive a car, we have to learn to “drive” the body. But the body is complex. It is reactive. Nature made it that way in order to survive. The body reacts in various ways – fear, anger, sexual desire, jealousy, etc. As the captain, when we encounter these intense emotions they can be overwhelming. When overwhelmed we shrink back; withdraw. That leaves the body to continue on its reactive course while we recover. That is why when we find ourselves overwhelmed with emotion it can sometimes seem unreal or we may have trouble remembering or even understanding what happened “to us”.

The key here is to not pull back our energy. We must stay in control. We must rid the body of its reactiveness so that we do not suffer from it. We must be courageous and balanced. When we are balanced and in control of our emotions, we can see life clearly, make better decisions and stay focused on our goals. Manifestation becomes second nature, because we are ourselves masters of creation. And when the reactive body/mind is not in control, our creative potential shines.

Ultimately, the merging process is that I am growing more aware. Aware of my body. Aware of myself. Aware of the unlimited possibility that exists for me. I am not my body. I am a powerful and learning more about myself and the universe through this very challenging experience called Life.

4th Dimensional Consciousness Revisited – February, 2014

As readers of this blog, you already know that recently I have been sensing a change in vibration, an energetic shift of some sort. I have recognized its significance and impact upon myself and my family and have also written that I believe this shift is occurring all over the world and not just in my own life/energy. The feeling is still with me this morning and as I awoke I was confronted with some of my own issues that need addressing. This, in turn, led me to feeling I should review some of my blog entries. I was not looking for any one entry in particular. In fact, I just opened up the page view history and there it was – the blog entry that I needed to read.

4th Dimensional Consciousness Revisited

The entry that explains the vibrational shift in energy that I have been feeling more and more of these last few weeks was written last summer. I wrote about it in a blog about 4th Dimensional Consciousness. The energetic shift that I, personally, am feeling is different than what I assumed it was when I wrote that post back in July 2013. I assumed that I had not made the transition to 4th dimensional consciousness yet; that I was still somewhere between the stage called “waking sleep” and “Enlightenment”. I believe this still to be true because I honestly cannot say that I am able to maintain that state of awareness permanently, but that I am, like many others, being pushed into full realization of a new state of being, one that puts me in present time at all times. How long this transition will last, I don’t know, but according to the illustration there are three states within 4th Dimensional Consciousness – Zensory Experience, Sanctuary and Penetration. I am beginning the first stage of being in the Here-Now, the Zensory Experience.

This is how 4th Dimensional Consciousness is described according to

In this state, the person is awake and aware of the Self, of “I,” as a distinct entity separate from mind and all human identities. In this state, the person maintains consciousness of Self at every moment, as well as objective, non-identified, unattached, awareness of hir Experience, both psycanic (identities, thoughts, emotions) and physical. This is the state of the development of a Permanent Center of Self, of “I, which is always present, awake, and aware of Self, no matter the turbulence of the psycanic or the physical universes.

This is a state of no-mind, of out-of-mind, of silent mind. The person is in control of hir attention at all times and consciously directs and holds it where s/he will. The mind is turned off (unless needed for creation or directing action), and the person lives in the direct, pre-mind experience of Life, which is always the Here and Now. The 4th State BEing has “blown hir mind” and now lives “out of hir mind.”


The 4th State transcends the fears and resistances to life that are characteristic of the 3rd State. Resistance is the only cause of pain and suffering. The 4th State person does not resist any event in Life, not even hir own death. Thus s/he does not generate the negative emotion = resistances that are the only pain and suffering that exist. S/He flows with life and is attached to no particular outcome, so that whatever happens is an interesting experience: it is the next scene in the movie of hir visit to earth. Thus, a 4th State person transcends suffering and lives in SPace, serenity, harmony, love, and joy.

 Alignment with One’s Purpose

Another aspect of the energetic shift that I mentioned in other blogs is that the increase in one’s vibration leads to a thorough inspection and reflection upon one’s current path in life. As one becomes more aware, he/she recognizes either through intuitive feeling/knowingness or pure knowingness their true purpose/path in their current life as well as their overall path/purpose for their incarnations on Earth. As they recall more and more about themselves they will be forced to confront those things in their life which do not resonate with their path/purpose. Those that are in the beginning stages of this vibrational shift may find themselves experiencing a Dark Night of the Soul. This period is necessary and will help them sort through what IS and what ISN’T part of their life purpose. Those who have already begun the transition into 4th Dimensional Consciousness will be more at ease with the changes that need to be made. Though they may also still struggle somewhat with it, ultimately they will stop fighting their path and embrace it.

I have been witness to this transition in both my life and that of my husband’s. We are both tired of accepting that which does not feel right in our lives. We are recognizing and rejecting those aspects of our lives which do not fit our overall purpose. Slowly, we have made and will make adjustments in our lives accordingly.

Letting Go of Fear

An important part of this transition is not being the effect of our fears. My husband has been very conscious of this. I, on the other hand, am still struggling with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not having enough. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. My husband is here to help me overcome those fears for it is much easier to confront them and overcome them with the help of another. From my personal experience, the best way to overcome fear is to confront it. “Why not?” has been how my guides are attempting to help me confront my fears. It does help to question myself when not making the necessary changes in my life. What is life if one is trapped in a corner and not progressing because of their fears?

Think About Your LifePeace Maker

“Think about your life”.

This has been a message given to my by my guides for a very long time – ever since my spiritual awakening in 2003. I now understand even more its significance in my life. Unfortunately, life had to push me into making changes but in the process it has helped me learn how to recognize what IS me versus what ISN’T.

I have finally escaped the negative work situation that I have been a part of for 6 years. I stayed out of fear more than anything but also indecision. The indecision, however, was a direct result of the fear. Once I had clarity and focus I was able to move from indecision into decision and I obtained my new job, one that is more in alignment with my life’s purpose.

Yet still I am being confronted by another aspect of my life and now must sift through the emotions that blur my clarity – the use of my spiritual gifts to help others. I shut down my website. Why did I do that? Out of fear of its impact upon my career goals. I am being urged to reconsider now. My dreams last night revealed my fear to me in full and helped me recognize that if I push away the fear, there is left only my purpose: to help others. So now I am considering relaunching my website.

When my guides ask me “What do you want?” I have always thought about what I want but it is mixed with fear/doubt/uncertainty. They want me to think about what I want without those things. It is simple yet it is difficult. I wish that I were already transitioned into 4th Dimension Consciousness. To be able to be in present time all the time, without fear or worry, without Ego conflict – what a glorious place that would be! Yet I know to gain this ability I must relearn through experience that which I have forgotten/lost.

4th Dimensional Consciousness – July, 2013

auraWhen I awoke this morning I immediately was aware of a very, strong male presence to my left and somewhat to the front of me. I got the distinct impression that he was wearing a robe or some similar flowing article of clothing. I also got the impression that he was either carrying something or had a blob on his right side that covered the length of his body. I was comfortable with this male figure, talking with him as I awoke from some crazy strange and vivid dreams. I assume he is a guide.

Before I get to the conversation we had, I want to recount a long list of dreams I had. They are quite vivid and so I want to account as many details as I can before my memory fades. So you all know, this blog is not specifically a “dream blog” by any means, it just so happens that I am feeling drawn to share my dreams for not only myself but also others.

Dr.’s Office

I nearly forgot this dream but it came to me as I tried to make sense of my busy night and the presence of one of my guides as I awakened. In the dream I recall being in a waiting room at a doctor’s office to pick up my grandmother. She had just come out of surgery and so I went with my mother to pick her up. She had surgery on her head and I recall hearing the doctor give my mom instructions on how to handle her. Strangely, the waiting room had some kind of food in it. I am struggling to remember what it was now, but I recall not liking it and trying to throw it away but having a nurse confront me about it. When the nurses brought out my grandmother the instructions were to keep her calm and let her lie flat. I recall that the dream shifted between a doctor’s office for people to one for dogs and seeing a dog in my grandmother’s place more than once. I believe it was my dog who passed last year – Trooper.

As we were transporting my grandmother I recall that her head fell off and was connected by this long, tendon-like pink cord. I remember being shocked and freaking out a bit but no one else reacted, they just put her head back on. It was really kind of gruesome as my grandmother was talking and conscious the whole time her head was disconnected and she didn’t seem to notice that her head wasn’t on her body.

At this point, we had traveled into the city. The city reminded me of an old, ancient city such as one in Europe, similar to London or Paris. The buildings were tall and very close together and everything was quite gray. My mom took my grandmother to meet up with her sisters. My grandmother was much better but I could still see a very obvious bandage on her head. Somehow the conversation got into running a marathon. Apparently my grandmother’s sisters ran marathons and I recall thinking it was absurd. They asked me if I would like to run and I agreed but I only had on my house shoes. The ladies took off and left me behind. I remember trying to keep up with them and going through a maze of city buildings and apartments. At one point I came upon someone’s back yard and there was a tall, three-stories barn-like wooden structure with dogs on all levels. There was also dogs in the yard. A woman came out to guide me through the yard as the dogs might attack. When I got through to the other side I had made it to the end of the run by taking a short cut. I finished before my grandmother’s sister who arrived later, surprised to see me there. I remember saying, “This was not even close to marathon” and remember it was like 28 minutes rather than 26.2miles.

Doctor’s office – could indicate the need for spiritual and emotional healing or could indicate the need to go to a doctor. 

Dog – represents loyalty, intuition, protection and fidelity.

Running alone – determination towards meeting one’s goals.

Something old – the need to replace something old in your life; could also mean there is a need to incorperate something from the past into the present.

Motorcycle Ride

This part of the dream is very odd to me. I recall leaving the old ladies behind and getting in a car that quickly morphed into a motorcycle. At first, the car had me, my mother, my grandmother and my younger sister in it. For some reason my mom couldn’t drive and my grandmother was not able to either. So my sister got behind the wheel but I remember that she was struggling to drive so I pushed her into the back seat and took over. I recall a struggle ensued and having difficulty seeing as I drove through the narrow city streets. The dream consisted mostly of me driving along, stopping at stop lights, struggling to see and moving very fast.

Motorcycle – the desire or need for freedom; desire to escape something.

Old House

I ended up at a large, old two story house. I recall that it was open to the public, as if it was a museum. Inside, there were stairs and lots of rooms. I don’t remember much about this part except looking at a living area and the old, nasty chairs and sofas in the room. I didn’t want to sit in them, but chose to anyway when I saw what appeared to be a screen with pictures on it and music (it was unfamiliar to me the kind of device this was – seemed similar to what I have seen in astral). There was a young girl there and a song was playing. I sat in an old arm chair and sang the song (also unfamiliar to me). The song turned off and the girl looked to find the song and it resumed playing, this time words appeared on a screen and there was a book with moving pages. Again, this seemed more like a memory of some spiritual reality than anything.

Old house – house represents one’s soul; past beliefs and attitudes may be coming up in present situation and one may need to update one’s way of thinking.

Wooden Machine, Old Cathedral and Carved Eggs

 At some point I woke up because of my son’s crying and so when I went back to sleep the dreams were different. I was with a man and he had this odd, wooden machine. I don’t remember what it did but I recall that I was working on it, carving the back of it which looked somewhat like a piece of furniture. My job was to fix it. I remember vaguely a stream and rolling the machine around, but the rest of the dream is lost to me now.

Then I ended up in a large, cathedral, walking amidst the rooms and looking at intricate carvings that we in the wood panels and furniture of the cathedral. I felt out of place as I walked through inspecting the wood, as church services were about to begin. There were two distinct rooms having service and I remember going into both of them and not feeling comfortable there.

At some point I had gathered four wooden eggs. Two looked like normal, chicken eggs; smooth, tan in color and very oblong. The other two were different. One was completely black and shiny smooth. The other was wooden in texture and color with various shades of brown. There was very obviously a world map carved into the shell. I carried the eggs with me very careful not to drop them. I had them with me when I went into the rooms where they were having service. I recall many people questioning me about them. I told them I found the eggs in the church. They always were curious about the black egg. I was very careful with the eggs the whole time and carried them close to me.

At some point I was with a man and still had the eggs, specifically the black egg and the carved egg. He asked me to put them in the microwave to see if they were hollow. I put them in and heard a sound like a hiss coming from them and, scared they would explode, quickly got them out of the microwave. The man said, “They have holes in them” and showed me the holes at the end of the shell, pointing out they were hollow. We inspected the egg with the map the most and he showed me holes at both ends and had me shake it so that I could feel the other “thing” that was inside. We talked about the eggs for a long time. I felt like I was a student and he was a teacher. The image of the map egg is very vivid in my mind. It was very beautifully carved with different depths and colors and I could see the map of the Earth in detail. Africa was very obvious as was Europe. It reminded me of the old, brownish colored maps you see in history books.

Eggs – fertility, growth, creative potential.

Carving wood – creative potential, molding or shaping one’s life. 

Cathetral/Church – seeking spiritual enlightenment; evaluation of one’s life.


 This part is not a dream. I woke up within and from the egg dream talking to the man from the dream. It was in my mind, not audible but more like thoughts. As I became more and more aware I was shaken by something we were talking about concerning the eggs (the dream was semi-lucid and I slowly regained conscious awareness as the conversation continued).

I didn’t open my eyes but thought immediately about the visions I got back in 2003 when I first awakened to my spiritual gifts. The one that popped into my head was of a map of the United States. The map was distorted, the normal borders of the U.S. covered by water, specifically the coastlines and especially the Mississippi River valley extending all the way North to the Great Lakes. I felt a very strong feeling from my guide that what he was telling me was important. I didn’t get a dread feeling like I would normally get. Instead, I was calm and listened.

I saw again the map and also saw the list in my head from yesterday’s dreams and previous visions I have had. Again, I could not make out the names on the list and it flashed only briefly in my mind. I heard, “Stay put”. I recognized this advice to mean to not leave the area I lived in. I also recognized that I would be safe if I stayed. Similarly, when I first saw the map in 2003, I knew if I stayed in Texas that I would be safe. I again recognized the list to be connected to names of people who would die from catastrophic events. This was confirmed by my guide by the feeling that was present. It was a feeling of confirmation and caution. I knew I was being again told to wait, stay put and lie low.

I had the thought that I did not like knowing things were coming. My guide asked, “Why” but I couldn’t put a finger on it. I finally answered that it didn’t make sense to me that people would choose to die, good people would choose to die. Finally, it didn’t make sense to me why I wouldn’t die. I also felt that there would be a lot of confusion, especially for the younger generation. And a lot of anger. I then saw in my mind my heart chakra burning bright green and felt this was not just a visual of me, but that it represented everyone on Earth. The fourth chakra had to do with a shift in consciousness linked to the fourth chakra (I am getting psychic chills as I type this). Some people will not be able to tolerate this shift. Others are already there, waiting for the rest of the world to catch up. This shift will force many into a darkness because they cannot confront themselves or handle the feeling inside them that well up seemingly uncontrollably.

4th Dimensional Consciousness

I just remembered Steven telling me a long time ago when I wrote my book about medical intuition and the aura. He told me that there is a shift to fourth dimensional consciousness occurring. I didn’t understand it. He is telling me now that it is linked to the fourth chakra. This is the mid-point in the human aura. It is the bridge connecting the lower and higher energies of our being.

I was led to search the internet for “fourth dimensional consciousness”. Many, many results came up. It took me a while to pinpoint the right explanation for fourth dimensional consciousness. Steven told me to be careful and not be confused by all the different explanations out there. The states of consciousness he is referring to is directly linked to the chakras.

When I found this site, The 7 States of Consciousness, my heart stopped for a moment and I took a huge, deep breath as I read its content.I knew this was the explanation I needed to find. I had to take a break from typing this blog because I became overwhelmed with emotion. I knew many would struggle with this transition; many ARE struggling with this transition. The internal struggle will be, is, the source of the strange energy right now. This energy will build and I am being warned of it.

Apparently most people are in the 3rd state now – Waking Sleep. The name of the 3rd state is very real to me. I am very obviously in the midst of the transition Steven is speaking about. Resistance to the transition, and most people (including me) will resist, wreaks havoc in life and amidst this people are left wondering, “What is wrong with me?” and are caught up in illusion.


As I continued speaking with my guide, I saw an umbrella go up and rain came down onto it in torrents. I knew this indicated more physical flooding but also indicated emotional turbulence. Then I saw the Earth shaking and knew this indicated earth quakes. I then got the message, “Strange things will happen at your work” followed by “Strange things will happen in the world”.

I asked, “What do you mean by strange” and he said, “Unreal”. I then remembered how I felt when, on April 17th, a fertilizer factory exploded in West, Texas. I was in shock and thinking, “This can’t be happening”. It felt unreal, especially since, only two days before, the Boston Marathon had been bombed.

I got up out of bed feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything. Oddly, I was sort of dizzy and had difficulty walking to the bathroom. When I went down stairs to make breakfast, I again felt dizzy-like. It was not a feeling in my head, though, but in my body, as if I just could not find my balance. As I was typing this blog, I felt it again.

Overall, the message I got was to stay put and wait. That change is about to occur and that I need to be where I am at this time in my life for a reason. This shift to 4th dimensional consciousness is occurring and will be increasing. I am not certain how it will effect me. I don’t feel I will fail in the transition, but perhaps many others will struggle and need my help? I feel I started this transition some time ago and many have not even begun. I especially feel the youth are sensitive and struggling.

Tossing Pebbles – October, 2013

white-stones--pebbles_19-131295I never know when I will get a “visit” from one of my guides. It is always nice to have one, but they don’t seem to come when I want them to. Instead, they “pop” in for a visit and then I never know when they will come by next.

When I say visit, I don’t mean via dreams. I pretty much expect my guides to visit my dreams. There really aren’t too many dreams in which I can’t identify one or more of my guides. If the dreams are lucid or turn astral then it is always wonderful to be conscious of their presence. Unfortunately, when I am busy like I have been, consciousness in dreams or astral travel are few and far between, although I do think I am more lucid in my dreams than most people.

The kind of visit I am referring to in this blog is when one or more of my guides is closer energy-wise than normal and make their presence known. This is done when I am fully conscious, not in the dream state or astral. Typically my guides are back from me. It is hard to explain but it is like they are near by but not close enough to grab my attention throughout the day. They stay back at the edge of my consciousness. When they want me to see/hear them, they move closer. It is like they hide in the shadows of my mind and then, suddenly, they come into the light where I can see them.

This morning one of my guides decided to come into the “light” from his usually peripheral position. I do not know his name (couldn’t understand it) but he is the newest of my team of guides. He came not long ago and has been lingering in the background for some time. When he came closer I saw a visual in my mind of an unimposing man sitting on a large boulder near a stream. His energy was very comforting and inviting and I felt at ease when I first saw him. I was not really surprised, which in itself caught me off guard. As he was talking to me, I saw him tossing pebbles at a stream. When I would focus more on him, his attention seemed to be on the stream and not on me, though I knew this was what he wanted me to see and not necessarily true. Though I could see him sitting there on the rock tossing pebbles, I could not see his face clearly. Again, he seemed to want me to focus on his actions more than on his features. I do recall that he was wearing a long, nondescript robe or cloak.

Quiet Conversation and Future Predictions

He began talking to me like an old friend would; as if he had always been there and had known me for a long time. He asked questions and conversed with me this way for some time this morning. I lay in my bed wide awake, but calm, listening and answering his questions and asking questions of my own. It has been so long since I have had a conversation like this with one of my guides. It was nice, but I was cautious. He sensed this and asked me why. I told him because the last time I got use to talking with a guide it led me to almost losing touch with reality. He was amused by this and simply stated, “You have changed”.

Strangely, the entire subject of our conversation centered upon change. Not just my change, but the Earth’s changes. He did not instruct me to share what he told me with others, but I feel it is appropriate because the information is not just for me and it seems selfish to not share it.

One of the first things he said to me was “The poles are shifting”. I understood this to mean the Earth’s poles and he confirmed this to be correct. However, he also said my poles were shifting. I didn’t understand and so questioned him as to what this means. I am aware of the chakras and the energy-systems of the human body and inquired if this is what he meant. He said, “Yes, but it goes deeper than that”. I still did not understand. He said that it meant a change to “the human mind and the heart of man” as if the two, humans and man, were different. This intrigued me but I still didn’t understand what he meant. Poles? Do we have poles? And if we do, where? And what does it mean that they are shifting?? As if to answer my thoughts he continued on about the future of Earth. He told me that the government of the United States would go through some major changes in 10 years, around the year 2022-2023. I immediately thought, “Ah, hind sight is 20-20” and giggled. I am not sure why I laughed but I felt so relaxed with him, like I was in a different state than is my norm. He caught me as I wondered why I was so different, so at ease and feeling good. He asked, “Why are you feeling good?” and I searched for an answer but could not find one. “I don’t know”, I replied. I just felt, good. In reflecting on this now, I am wondering if the way I felt during this conversation is connected with this shift he was mentioning?

He went on to tell me that when I was gone and my children were grown that the Earth would be far less populated then than it is now. I recalled a long time ago hearing about a massive outbreak of a virus that would decimate 100’s of thousands of people in the United States. He nodded in confirmation at my thought but would not say that this was the crisis he was speaking of. I thought on this news and wondered out loud, “Why are you telling me this?” He replied, “Because you need to know”. Then he paused and said, “There are others like you. You are not alone”. This distracted me for a moment. What is he talking about? He did not elaborate, but just left that there for me to chew on. I immediately decided to not accept what he said as I did not want to get caught in the “You are special” trap. I finally replied to him, “I am not special” and he chuckled and replied, “It all comes down to you”. This was a message he gave me not long ago and I considered it again, still not sure what it meant. I left it, as I did not want to fall into an endless circle of questions and odd, unusual and cryptic answers.

I got back to the topic of loss of population on Earth. I asked why, of course, this would happen. He said, “Everything is up to chance”. I disagreed. He sent me a questioning feeling and I said, “Don’t we plan it all this way?” and he said, “Yes, but we can’t know everything. That would defeat the purpose”. But then I suddenly knew we could predict the future very well and he said, “Yes, but it is only a prediction”. I questioned this, seeking more information. He said, “It is all very predictable, but it isn’t. There is chance and their is choice. They are different things”. I suddenly knew he was referring to the Earth and the cycles it goes through. This is what cannot be definitely predicted? He answered my thought, “Oh it is very predictable”. Confused again he went back to my original question about why the population would be decimated. He again said, “It all comes down to you”. I decided that what he had told me meant that although we plan our lives to go a certain way, there is the element of chance involved and we know this when we make our plan. Chance is what keeps us challenged and tests who we are. Without it, what would be the challenge of this game? My disgust at the term “game” brought a comment from him: “Yes, it is a game”. I responded, “Can I just sit it out and watch?” “Yes”. Then I wondered, why do I keep coming back? He was quiet as he knew I already knew the answer. I wanted to know for sure that I would react the way I thought I would. I wanted to test who I was. Each life gave me more certainty and thus each life had more certainty. Interesting.

Again I went back to wondering why there would be so much change during my children’s lives. He reassured me that I would not be alive when the population decrease occurred. I asked how much it would decrease. At first I hear 1 million. This felt off to me and so I asked for a percent of the population that would be gone. He said, “4%”. For the U.S. alone this is over 12.5 million people gone!

I was silent after this, not sure I wanted to know more. He did not respond, just kept tossing pebbles at the stream in my mind. I noted this and said, “You are tossing a pebble”. He said, “Yes”.

12.5 million people is a lot of people and this is just the U.S. For the world, a loss of 4% of the population is over 287 million. That is almost the entire population of the U.S. today. I wonder how many people it will be in the future considering that the number of people will just continue to increase from now until this predicted event will occur?

Strangely, despite the shock of this information, I remembered the dream I had prior to finding out I was pregnant. In it was this old man who was telling me about the future of my grandchildren. The picture he painted was very different from today. The world was peaceful and much more environmentally aware. Transportation was very changed. Though I was not told what it would be like, it felt like the burning of fossil fuels for power would be stopped. The feeling of this future was peaceful and happy. Before that period, however, there was “much conflict”. Would my children be harmed? Why would they want this for themselves? I was a bit horrified, my maternal instinct kicking in. He reminded me quietly, “It is their choice”. True. It is not my plan, but theirs.

Throughout this discussion I was being interrupted by my life. My son was crying, my husband was in and out of bed and all along I was in this state that, though a faded memory, was very familiar. When in this state it is like I am in “tuned in”. Like my ego is asleep and the real me is completely in control. It is a feeling of certainty and control. I like it.

Eventually I got up and went about my day. As I got out of bed, I still saw my guide sitting on a boulder, tossing pebbles. In my mind I think about its significance. Are we all but pebbles being tossed into the stream of life? Or do the pebbles signify something else? Choices? Chance?

The dream symbolism of tossing pebbles is that they represent feelings of being hurt by things that seem insignificant. Pebbles in themselves represent minor difficulties and annoyances in life. So perhaps what my guide was trying to show me was in fact all about change and chance.

The Trickster – August, 2011

I started back to work this week and my sleep issues disappeared as suddenly as they appeared. I am sleeping wonderfully. I am also having very vivid dreams.

All week I have had these vivid dreams. They have a common theme: change and handling change. Last night’s dream had a lot of water in it. Whenever I have dreams with a lot of water in them I know emotion is involved.

In my dream last night there was a large pond in my back yard. I remember that the water was receding and then it would surge forward and then recede again. I watched it and even threw a baby toy into it and watched it disappear under the surface. Then the water receded again and I went out to retrieve the toy only to be overcome by the water which forced me to retreat. Strangely enough I was walking on this wooden grid rather than the bottom of a pond and I remember commenting that it was my “bed”. It felt at times that I was becoming lucid in the dream because I would go from a dream-like state into a more awake state, very aware that I was dreaming and laying in bed. Thus, the feeling that I was in my bed rather than in the pond.

Eventually I shifted my attention from the pond in the dream to around me. I remember looking in the distance at the hills and I could see very clearly a cow walking along the hillside. It was as if I were using binoculars or something because I could see the image within a circular frame. The cow symbolizes tranquility and having a passive nature. It can also symbolize maternal instincts. This makes a lot of sense to me since my main focus has been on my children for almost four years. It just so happens that my disconnect from my spiritual gifts also came about at the same time.

Then I noticed to my right what appeared to be a a dog running. But no! It was a coyote with a collar on it!

That was where the dream ended and I woke feeling very distraught about my life, as if I needed to do something but I didn’t know what. The coyote in my dream did not surprise me as I saw one cross the road in front of me a couple of days ago and it did appear to be a domestic dog at first glance. The coyote is the trickster – things aren’t always as they appear to be. I am hoping this is a good thing, though, that I am dreading something that I need not dread. Because the coyote had a collar on it, perhaps he is trying to tell me that the feeling of being domesticated or controlled is deceptive.

I feel like I am going through the past a lot in my dreams; remembering how things use to be and what I did before to make it through. I know I am in a much  better place than I use to be and I am grateful for that. Life is full of abundance for me lately and I am fortunate to have the people in my life to support me that I do. I still feel a strange feeling about the end of this year, though. I am starting to look forward to Christmas.

If You Leave


I awoke hearing this song this morning. It completely threw me because it did not go along with the dream I was having. The main lyrics I was hearing was the part at the end where it continues to say “If you leave” over and over. I could hear the “Oh, oh-oh” as well. I assume the message was from Spirit telling me they would like me to stay in this life a little longer.


It is funny how every time I start wondering what I am doing here on Earth this life, I get an answer. Lately, the answers are much easier to recognize. Instead of just hints or intuitive hunches, I actually get messages in words or pictures. I have even recently received intense urges or impulses. To receive such a strong message along with an urge has only happened one other time in my life, so it is a very rare thing indeed (for me). It makes the messages very difficult to ignore and even the stubbornest person (that would be me) cannot talk their way out of it.

Yesterday the full impact of the visual message I received hit me. The title of the book I saw would not leave me – The Nurturing of Innocence. That is powerful! I could not stop saying it over and over in my mind, as if I was tasting what it would be like. I also had ideas hit me. I won’t go into detail about it but I will say that those ideas have come to me before.

I was unsure about my eldest and what I would do with her until we had a talk. I decided to not mess with a good thing. She likes school right now. She is excited about learning. To pull her out of a scene she likes, when she is doing so well, would not be ideal. So I told her that the minute she stops feeling excited about learning, to tell me. She agreed.


I had more vivid dreams last night. The first one had me feeling nervous. My family and I were going on a trip together. As we were leaving, I discovered that I had lost my debit card. I later found that all my credit cards were also gone. I spent most of the dream trying to figure out what had happened, retracing my steps to see when someone could have taken them. It came down when I had left my things in a hotel.

The hotel had been temporary. My husband had just gone into a room and stored our stuff without paying for it. I remembered leaving my purse on the bed when we went to eat. The cards had disappeared after that and I blamed my husband for not doing the right thing and paying for the hotel. I was also concerned about identity theft.

In one particular scene of the dream I sat waiting to leave with my “family”. We sat outside, no home or place to call our own, and I felt I had nothing left. No money, no home, no possessions. The trip seemed not exciting anymore. I felt very disappointed and like a failure.


We ended up leaving and stopped by a store. I had suggested we get some food. We went inside and I had two children following me – a boy and girl – though they were not my children. I could not find what I wanted but the kids found some pets they wanted, tiny bug-like creatures. I went up to one and looked at it closely. It turned into a beautiful fairy-like woman right before my eyes. We spoke, though I don’t remember what we said now. She smelled sweet and was rose colored. I put out my hand, asking her to shrink back into the tiny winged creature she had been, but she never did.

The boy had taken a cage with him and tried to get me to buy it. I told him no and he set it down. I saw what looked like a shell with something inside it but I still do not know what kind of “bug” it was. It did have a magical feel to it, though.


The dream changed and I found myself in a long, white hallway. It felt as if I were in a hospital but it also had a spaceship feel to it. I saw a little girl who was dragging her foot. She was very pretty and friendly and we spoke. She said she was looking for her mommy. There was again a very, pretty rose color about her, similar to the fairy I saw before.

After a little while the little girl said she had to go, her mommy was coming. A very professional looking woman came down the hall and a strange blue light, like a beam, hit her and the girl was sucked into it. Her and her mother became one and moved away. I noticed they were not alone and that they seemed oblivious to my presence.

Suddenly they began putting on masks. I knew they had been conditioned to withstand some kind of deadly chemical and masks were part of this. I watched as one took a breath with the mask, confident he would live. Unfortunately he began to gag and suffocate right before my eyes. I heard a woman say, “What a waste of money that was” and knew they had spent much time and money engineering these people to survive this poisonous gas.

That is when I awoke to the song, “If You Leave”.


It don’t know exactly what these dreams mean, but if I put them together with the song they seem to indicate that I was having in-depth conversations with my guides about the prospect of me leaving this life earlier than anticipated. I feel I was being shown what failure would feel like in the first dream. Losing my identity was a big part of that dream, which is very much like losing hope and/or focus in life.

In the second dream I feel like I was being shown that there is still hope and that I will be helped. I was looking for food and, though I couldn’t find what I wanted, I was drawn to a mystical creature that filled me with fascination and curiosity.

In the last dream I feel we were discussing my concerns about the futility of life, how so much work seems to be needed for something destined to be a failure. There was an element of our oneness there, though, in that of the little girl who was forever connected to her mother.


I have been seeing geckos in my house. In total there have been five. Gecko’s message is to pay attention to your dreams and listen to your intuition. Being my dreams have been so vivid, I figure they must be trying to tell me something. I am paying attention but I can’t help but feel there is a part of me making a decision that I have little control over. There is a feeling of dread attached to it, but it is very slight. I can only leave it to the divine as it must be something I am not yet meant to know.




Skunk – June, 2013

gtotem_skunkFor the past week, skunks have been showing. I have not yet seen one, but nonetheless they are around. The first couple of times they were on the T.V. so I didn’t really take notice. Then this morning my mom comes over and says, “You have a BIG skunk coming toward your house!” She then told me where he was. When I looked, I didn’t see him.

Even though skunk has not made his presence known to me directly, I think I should take note of what he has to teach me. The skunk shows us how to be peaceful and when to fight back. Some key words are prudence, protection, confidence, awareness, effectiveness, good judgement, and awareness. The skunk reminds us to be calm and centered in times of stress and anxiety. It also shows us how to use our own better judgement about when to act in defense of ourselves. Finally, the skunk shows reminds us that what we think of ourselves is how other will perceive us and to be wary of how we present ourselves to others.

The skunk as a totem indicates the coming of opportunities which will bring out new respect and self esteem. He indicates lessons associated with increased sensuality physically, sexually, psychically, and spiritually. He reminds us to examine our self-image and that people are going to take notice. You can control how others view you – you are in control of this. This message is a good one for me, so I am grateful to skunk for sharing it with me.

Yesterday I spent the day in a haze. It is hard to describe my emotional state except to say I felt numb – emotionless. So it was no surprise that I broke into tears when I got home after getting some bad news even though the bad news was really trivial.

I have to stop holding in my emotions and putting up the front that I am okay. But I know better than to show the people I work with my emotions. They ask too many questions and I feel weak and exposed. I am told I need to talk to my husband more. I know I do, there just doesn’t seem to be any time to.

My sleep has been fitful to say the least. I wake up several times a night and then go back to sleep. When I wake in the morning after a night like this I feel lethargic and tired. So, last night I took something to help me sleep hoping it would help. It did, but I still woke up twice.

I don’t remember much of my dreams but what I do remember is confusing. In one dream I was visiting a woman’s house. She lived in the country and I remember seeing her home, a white single-wide trailer house, sitting amongst a green field that was fenced off from other parts of the land which was owned by the neighbors. When I got to the house there was a woman, someone I knew in the dream but I have no idea who she was. She had children and I remember seeing a very tall slide set up in the yard for her kids. I remarked that it was too high and was reassured that it was safe. We were talking about various things, most I can’t remember. One thing I remember is that my brother was dead – murdered. I felt like I needed to cover it up for some reason. The rest of the conversations are lost to me. I just remember that at some point, the woman, whose appearance was that of an older woman in her 40s with blonde stringy hair, turned into a man who was making sexual advances toward me. As I was giving into his advances I heard a male voice yell very loudly, “Hey! Stop it!” I woke suddenly and my heart was pounding. I tried to relax but couldn’t. I listened to see if someone in my house needed help, but it was quiet. Then I remembered the name of the lady I was talking to in my dream – Linda. Who is Linda?, I thought. But for some reason I felt I should remember the name. And, Why was someone yelling at me to stop? 

I fell back to sleep and continued to dream about Linda. In this dream, however, Linda was a computer virus and I remember being frantic on how to rid my computer of this virus. I don’t remember the specifics of the dream, though. I was rudely awakened by my alarm. Again my heart was pounding when I woke up.

Part of me is kicking myself for taking something to help me sleep. I think my dreams would have made more sense if I hadn’t. However, I could not help but wonder, What should I stop? and Who is Linda?  

I recognized that computers usually signify communication. I also recognized that I felt good this morning. My outlook was – is positive. I also was reminded that when I get good news, or when I am really angry, I tend to reveal too much and blurt out things that I shouldn’t. I was reminded of times that I have done this. So, I concluded that the dream’s message was: Be careful. Think before you speak. I also worried that the computer message was literal – to be careful about what I reveal online. So today I will be monitoring myself more closely and keeping my mouth shut more than usual. This message is very similar to what the skunk totem symbolizes. Hopefully I can avoid whatever pitfall I was being warned about.