6 of Cups…6 of Hearts?

Today it is beautiful in Texas. Sunny, 65 degrees, with a light breeze. The energy was expansive. Yes. Expansive. That’s how it feels to me, anyway.

Some pictures of my walk to give you an idea of what “expansive” feels like. 🙂

I wish I had taken more pics today but I was too busy feeling it all. I sat by the creek for a bit, listening, breathing and feeling. It was nice and there weren’t very many people out, not that it would’ve mattered.

I ended up walking for over an hour. 4 miles in all! Ha!


Okay, so now for the interesting part of my walk. I wrote a while back about finding items on my walks, items I seemed to actually manifest with my thoughts. I found a tube of unopened Chapstick first, then some Apple earbuds (also new) and finally two, twenty dollar bills (yep!). Eventually, I couldn’t think of anything physical I wanted to manifest so I asked the Universe to show me what I needed to know. One of the first things I came across was a playing card in the grass. 6 of Hearts.

On December 18th I wrote this on Facebook (not sure why I didn’t post it here)”:

Remember when I kept finding things on my walks? I didn’t stop attempting to manifest stuff, I just lost interest in material things. I actually asked to be given or shown what was needed. Usually I don’t find any items but that very day I saw a playing card on the side of the road – the 6 of Hearts. I have walked past it every day, taking note of it, but never really looking any deeper into the meaning. Today I saw it again, didn’t pick it up and forgot about it until just now.

Here is the meaning:

It represents the masculine.
It can be an unmarried male romantic partner, family member or friend, always loved by the sitter.
It is often considered the Soulmate card – past lives/karmic.
It can represent communion, knowledge, study and learning.

That was over a month ago and nearly forgotten, until today.

Within the first half-mile of my walk, I saw another card, this time face down, laying in a pile of leaves and rubble that had built up on the bridge I was walking over. At first I walked past it. I was singing along to a song and just feeling really joyful, playful and happy. I was contemplating dancing as I walked, but didn’t because it was a busy road. But despite continuing on I felt an urge to turn back and pick it up. I had to.

Never would I have believed it to be what it was.

That ain’t no playing card!! That’s a tarot card! WTF!?

I can’t remember now if it was right side up or not. I don’t think it even matters. When I saw it I thought, “6 of…..cups?” I mean, those are odd looking cups but then what else could they be?

I tucked the card in my pocket and went on my merry way.

When I got a bit further on my walk I encountered a single, black crow on the path in front of me. I stopped. It stopped. We stared at each other for a bit. I grabbed my phone, fumbled around trying to get it into camera mode, and as I began to aim to take a pic it flew up in the air, cawing at me and joined another crow off to my left.

I continued to my walk, taking note of the crow but not really knowing what to think.

When I got home I pulled the card out of my pocket and examined it. Yep. A tarot card. Definitely NOT a coincidence that I found it.

6 of Cups Message

First off, the 6 of Cups has the same meaning as the 6 of Hearts. I only discovered this after a Google search. I don’t know much about traditional tarot decks (i.e. Rider-Waite) so bear with me. I read tarot using my intuition and rarely read the book descriptions. Unfortunately, looking at the image on the card I found does nothing for my intuition. I thought the cups were crowns, though, so maybe a good sign? lol

Since I wasn’t asking a question and just randomly found the card on my walk, many explanations for the card meaning don’t apply. So, the standard, one card meaning would be something like this:

The Six of Cups in the upright position is a card of pleasures. This card tells about good times and generally remind us of good times, but it could tell about happy times that are just around the corner, those that will turn into amazing new memories.

It is the card of indulgence, periods without any serious problems and reasons to worry.

As this is the card related to ancestry, it could be a sign of a great family gathering, about getting in touch with relatives you haven’t heard from for ages or, even, meeting distant relatives you did not know you have.

For those more inclined towards the psychic, this card could be a sign from the ancestors or make one pay attention to the signs along the road, for those might be messages from ancestors.


What I found is that everyone has a slightly different explanation of the card. Some call it the “soulmate” card. Others the “pleasures” card.

What I am wondering is, why am I seeing this card again? If it is indeed the same as the 6 of Hearts, that is, and that is what I am finding.

Alternative Names:  Six of Cups, Six of Hearts     

All Tarot decks call this suit “Cups.”

The Thoth Tarot titles the Six of Cups as “Pleasure.” 

The Voyager Tarot titles the Six of Cups as “Sorrow.”      

In a deck of regular playing cards this suit is called “Hearts”


Then there is the crow. They are not very common around here and mostly they are in the trees making lots of noise, not sitting alone on the path I am walking. Most definitely not something to disregard.

The Crow (no, not the movie! lol)

It is not a bad omen like most might assume. It can be considered the “trickster” though, meaning it can shape shift and take on any form it chooses in order to pass on its message. And messages are its specialty. When a crow crosses your path it is there to pass on a message. Most of the time that message is something previously known or received by the recipient. It is a sign to the recipient saying, “You know what to do.” Of course, part of the mystery of the crow is in the message because in order to understand it, you must first Know yourself!

Key words:

Creative Force







Overcoming Fear

Ancestral Magic


Working with the “Shadow Self”


So, if I am understanding Crow’s message right, it is to remind me of the tarot card message. AND being I am seeing this card for the second time now, I must not be truly grokking its meaning! Ugh!

What did I miss? Or… is something still in process where I thought conclusion had occurred?

Dream: E.T. Message “The Alarm Will Go Off.”

So much has been going on since I last posted. The motivated and free-flowing feeling I had in my last post continues and seems to be growing. Yet there still remains with it a feeling that I need to go with the flow and not take action unless appropriate in the moment.

During my days I have been smiling frequently and listening to music I normally would not listen to. The music is upbeat, mostly dance and pop music by more recent artists. I find myself dancing to the music as I work at my computer. My body seems to want to move on its own and I can’t help but burst into a huge grin and go with it. I find myself listening to music more often, too. I like to take long walks and listen to the same music, singing along while I walk. No telling who has heard me and thought me odd but I don’t care!

In the evenings I feel to be not alone so much so that I can’t help but wonder what is going on. Often I feel this unreal sorta feeling, like I am between time, not here nor there. When I get like this it feels like a part of me is communicating with someone, but I can’t quite catch what is being said.

Last night, before bed I got this feeling that someone (Spirit?) was close by. There was a presence directly in front of me that felt to be asking for my attention. I acknowledged it and continued to watch my show, which just happened to be about NDEs. As I watched the show I was filled with K energy that originated from around my lower back and spread throughout my body. It was a warm, comforting energy that wrapped around me, filled me and then just stayed with me while I watched my show. It felt like I was being asked to pay attention as if a message was forthcoming. My dreams appear to support this.

Dream: Two Doors 

I was at work. It was not the building where I normally work (symbolic of my life path) but reminded me of an old, downtown building with multiple floors. I sat at a long, rectangular table with coworkers I didn’t recognize. I was bored and feeling somewhat out of place. I can’t recall what everyone was discussing but it was something to do with preparations and updates to the business. 

At one point I remember holding in my hand a large, balloon type object. For some reason, in my boredom, I began to press myself against it and felt my root chakra activate. It seemed like I was just trying to keep myself occupied during my boredom because the feeling I had the whole time is that I didn’t want to be there and didn’t belong there. 

Eventually I opted to leave. As I walked toward the door I looked at people who walked past me. I realized there was nothing I could do to help them. They didn’t even see me. They were asleep. The expressions on their faces told me they were focused. They were all “workers” (HD Generating types). I remember thinking, “I’m not like them. I’m not a worker.” 

A woman who reminded me of someone I know, was playing with her baby and son. She had rolled her baby to one end of a space and was going to retrieve her son. It was some kind of game where she took them back and forth between spots along a designated path. Back and forth, over and over, repetitively (symbolic of cycles repeating). 

I saw the exit (option to change path) ahead and walked toward it. I went through the door that led to the building’s main entrance/exit. When I reached the area where the door to the outside should’ve been, there were two older people standing there, confused. Someone had renovated the space so that the door was moved. Now there were two doors instead of one. One was up a short set of stairs to the right and another was to the left on the ground floor. I somehow knew the door up the stairs was to another place and time. It felt like a dimensional portal. The other door went to city streets similar to somewhere in New York City and to the present time and world. 

I opted to take the door up the stairs. When I opened the door I was suddenly floating in the air up high above a vast landscape. The land below was riddled with brilliant white crystal shards. They glowed and it reminded me of the movie The Dark Crystal. The land itself was almost barren. It looked like an explosion had occurred there. I immediately knew the crystal shards needed to be reunited and felt that a part of myself went to work doing this. I watched a man float about and take pieces of the crystal and heal the land by touching the pieces to various parts. In one such instance I watched him touch a piece of crystal to the ground and a white, glowing liquid flowed out of it into the land. Eventually the man shoved the largest piece of the crystal into the heart of the land which was some distance away at the lowest point. When he did this, the landscape transformed immediately into a beautiful paradise with lush, rolling green plains, tall, snow capped mountains and vast river systems. There was color everywhere and it was fantastically beautiful. I had a feeling of awe and knew that I had chosen the correct door. 

Dream: E.T. Message

I can’t recall the parts leading up to the end of this dream, which is disappointing, but the part I do recall is likely the most important anyway. 

I was standing with a group of people and my attention went to this small, floating, silver disc. The people with me didn’t see it, though. I recognized it was a E.T. craft and so spoke to it. I asked it, “Who are you? Why are you here?” 

The craft seemed to be able to communicate with me via telepathy. There was a visual as I received a message of an up and coming “test”. I saw test materials – a pencil and paper among other things. My attention turned to a timer sitting next to the paper and pencil. It looked like one of those kitchen timers – round, red, with a white clock face. I remember hearing “the timer will go off” or “the alarm will go off” and then something would happen, something like an explosion or event of some kind. I replied that I wasn’t worried about the test and knew I would pass it because I had passed it many times before.

By this time, the silver disc was no longer part of my dream experience. I had entered into the in-between.

As I lingered in the in-between I remember catching myself talking to someone as if I was trying to summarize something I had been told. I said, “So, I will be split into two”. This brought me to full awareness and out of my reverie. 

Afterward, I wondered about the E.T. portion of the dream. It has been so long since I had any E.T. contact. But was it E.T. contact? And what did the messages mean? What would this “alarm” be? So odd!

Other Considerations

I can’t help but notice that in the first dream I was thinking of those around me as “workers” and thought of Human Design and the Generating types of the world, which compose more than 70% of the population. They are “the workers”, they are here to “respond”. Lately in my daily life, I have been recognizing that I cannot help them if they don’t want my help, if they don’t ask for my help. If I try, they won’t hear me and will likely be irritated by anything and everything I say to try and help. So in the dream, as in my life, I just want to get out of the space they occupy. Why would I want to be where I’m not wanted or acknowledged for what I have to offer?

The dream itself seems to be a reflection of how I have been feeling in general lately. Bored. Unseen. Unacknowledged. Of course, I am also feeling joyful and carefree, but behind that I still have this restless energy that wants to do something, to be of assistance to others. Yet, I observe all around me people doing what that woman was doing in the dream. They are going back and forth, repeating patterns, unaware and happy to remain so. I realize there is nothing I can do to help them. I would love to find an exit to another world like I did in the dream, a world where I can make a difference, where I am seen. And I think, in a way, that is exactly what I am doing when I turn on my music and dance. I am going to another world, my own world, one where I can make a difference even if no one else notices.

That is the beauty in being a 2nd line (HD). We dance to the beat of our own drum. The creator of HD says 2nd line Hermits are there on the first floor of the house (1st lines are in the basement), dancing to the beat of their own drum. They are happy to remain alone in their little worlds. In fact, their motto is “Leave me alone!” lol The windows are open, however, and others can see inside. They are curious, drawn to the 2nd line/Hermit because they see in them something they desire. They know the 2nd line knows something they do not. Others come knocking, asking the 2nd line to let them in but we often ignore their knocks because, mostly, we just don’t want to be bothered. lol It takes someone very special to draw us out of our “caves”. Someone or something, VERY special.

Maybe the “alarm” from the message in my second dream is what it will take to get my attention? Who knows, but for now I am happy to be dancing in my own little world for a while. I am happy there being left alone. It would take quite a bit of ruckus for me to stop my dancing and answer the call, that is for sure!

Featured Image from The Definitive Book of Human Design, the house analogy of the lines of the hexagram (HD personality profiles).

Kundalini Dream and Message: This is What You Came For

A very active night. Previously, about three days ago now, I told my guidance that I was willing to have Kundalini encounters in dreamtime. I did not expect that it would happen so quickly, though!

Kundalini Dream

I’m with an older man whose looks I can’t recall. I think he is heavy set with dark hair and a beard. I watch as he picks up a tiny, newborn kitten (the feminine). It is weak and he doesn’t think it has a chance. I tell him otherwise, take it from him and explain that I use to raise baby squirrels (locking away emotion) when I was young. At this point I recall thinking the kitten was a squirrel.

I feed the kitten milk using a syringe. The man is still skeptical but I can tell the kitten has the will the live by the way it eagerly takes to the milk.

Then I’m in a room that reminds me of a library but I don’t see any books. There are rectangular, wooden desks and someone I know from work is sitting at one. I am nursing him to health. It appears that he was the kitten and now he is better and stronger. I show him a schedule of when to take his medicine and what dose but the medicine is written in weight – 1lb.

We discuss his progress and he says, “I did 5lbs today.” I advise him to be cautious and not to rush things. With this I realize his parents are not his parents but caretakers. I know them, also, and wonder why they abandoned him. When we talk about this he seems very sad. In fact, I can feel what he feels and so am quite sympathetic. I know in time he will just get stronger and so I keep encouraging him.

Then two other people come into the room. One I recognize. It is my SIL. The other is a woman I do not know. As the woman is leaving, my SIL says something like “Go with God” (she would never say this in real life) and the woman turns back and says, “God has nothing to do with it.” My SIL rolls her eyes but the other woman never sees it.

Seeing my SIL roll her eyes, I call her out, telling her something to the effect that for every time she rolls her eyes, someone is doing the same to her four times as much.

I turn around, feeling very sad for some reason, and crawl into bed (not sure where my bed comes from but it was there). I curl up on my left side in the fetal position. I can see the man I am helping looking at me. He looks concerned and comes over to comfort me. He says something but I can’t recall what. It feels like he is offering to hold and comfort me. I allow him to join me in bed.

I begin to cry as he crawls into bed on my right and spoons with me, wrapping his arms around me. I can feel how open and vulnerable he is – I am. In him I recognize aspects of myself.

A warm energy hits my heart and root at the same time and spreads throughout my body in all directions. It is absolutely beautiful! The feeling takes my breath away. I am Home.

Sadly, I woke up in that instant, tears still streaming down my cheeks, the beautifully warm energy still swirling around my body. It was especially noticeable in my heart chakra. Oh how I have missed the heart bliss!!!

I remember hearing a song playing in my head and a guide being nearby. The song was Come Away With Me by Nora Jones. The specific lyrics I heard were, “Come away with me on a bus….and I want to wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof…”

I remember saying to my guidance, “I really like him.” I said this because I recognized the man as he is not a newcomer to my dreams. He isn’t a frequent visitor but I have seen him in my dreams at least 5 times over the last four or five years. Usually we are just friendly, having long discussions as we sit facing each other. He tells me about his life, how he feels, his concerns, worries, and plans. In one he was telling me what he wanted in a partner. Specifically, that he wants to marry and have a family of his own, but his relationships don’t ever seem to pan out despite lasting years sometimes. He has also expressed interest in me but has not acted on it because I am married and I am 10 years older than him. I do not fit with his goals, specifically that he wants children of his own. My response has always been understanding, acceptance and compassion.

Never has the Kundalini been present in dreams where he was involved. I don’t even know if he is conscious of meeting me in dreamtime. If he is, he has never mentioned it, but then I have never asked him.

So, when I woke from this dream I was somewhat concerned about what it might mean. I have long wondered what was going. Why do we keep meeting up in dreamtime? Are we just soul family helping each other out?

I considered talking to him the next time I saw him and fell back to sleep with this on my mind.

Dream: This is What You Came For

The same coworker from my previous dream is present. I am listening to him talk to a friend. He is explaining how he is still recovering from his most recent breakup. He is very sad and lonely. I recognize this feeling, this melancholia, because I have felt it, also. He is Homesick, searching for something he cannot quite put his finger on and feeling lost and worn down by all his perceived failures.

For some reason I am on the ground below him facing up. It is quite odd but they don’t seem to notice I am there. The woman tells him that he needs to take his time and heal. She reminds him there is no rush.

As I listen I become extremely emotional and begin to cry. I know that if this man and I were to get involved that it would be an impossible situation. Our age difference alone would be a challenge, but there are so many other factors involved. I remember thinking how unfair and painful these types of connections can be. I think, “I don’t want to hurt anyone else.”

My tears wake me up and I lay in bed in for a while, again wondering what the hell is going on.

Another song is going through my head. The lyrics are, “Baby, this is what you came for. Lightning strikes every time that she moves.” But the end part, after “lightning strikes” is muted. It is as if I am being reminded that my purpose here involves the Kundalini and that “lightning” will strike.

My guide is present with me there is a discussion between us. I only recall bits of it now. I remember knowing my energy tends to draw in others. That it is just the way I am. I should not blame myself but just be aware of it and cautious. Then I recall being shown a piece of mail, like a FedEx envelope. I hear, “Express mail” and “Two days”, but I know it is not “mail” but rather symbolic of communication. So, in two days I will receive communication?

Dream: Melting Ice Cream

I am in a kitchen (nourishment). There are young children of various ages around me. I am thinking of my diary (worry) and memories of this very large pad of paper comes to mind. It is gigantic, about four feet by two feet! In it I am writing very personal things, some of which involved the coworker all my other dreams have been about. I lay the pad down. When I see it, I am reminded of very ancient papyrus. It is stained and worn, like I’ve been writing in it since the beginning of time.

Then I am outside, the man from the previous dreams is still my focus. It seems like I am gathering information on him. Spying on him? IDK but I am definitely observing. I turn around and see what looks like my diary rolled up and being pushed along by the wind. Worried someone will find it and read it, I frantically run after it. I tell a woman to stop it and she puts down her foot and it stops but then falls down near some stairs. When I go to retrieve it, I find it is not my dairy at all but a laundry hamper full of pillows (comfort, safety, protection) and other items, mostly various fabrics. I offer it to the other young women around me. They come and take what they want and I select two pillows. My diary is no longer on my mind. Instead I seem to want to encourage the women to take pillows from the basket.

Next, I end up in the kitchen with children. I open the refrigerator (feeling cold or frigid sexually). It is nearly empty. I open one of the drawers and begin to write in ink on the bottom of the drawer. I see my handwriting on the inside of the other empty drawers, too. When I realize that others could see what I am writing, I erase the ink with my fingers.

That is when I discover ice cream pops (desire, youth, lust) of various kinds inside one of the drawers. They are melting (failures). Some have bites taken out of them. I realize the children had snuck the ice cream and then hidden it in the fridge because they were afraid of being caught.

I sternly ask the children which one of them did it. They try to lie but I am able to get confessions from some of them. I explain it is wasteful. They apologize.

There is this one young girl who I speak to briefly. She had left one of the ice creams inside. I said, “Wow! You have grown so much! You’re taller than me now!” I look up at her. She has long, dark hair and a medium complexion. I know she was Hispanic and I also know who her mother is. I gave her a huge hug and am very proud of her.

Then another young, Hispanic woman came over. She opened her arms up wide and the young woman said, “She wants a hug, too.” The two young women together pulled me into a three-way hug. It felt warm and comforting and I immediately began to cry. The emotion I was feeling was a mixture of relief and Homesickness.

When I wake I am feeling grief over my age and my lost youth. The years flew by and I am already in my 40’s. I realize that I need to really cherish these years of my life because, one day very soon, they will be gone. My children will grow up and have lives of their own I don’t want to be left regretting not spending more time with them. Every day is precious and should not be taken for granted.


I woke in tears yet again. The above two songs kept repeating in my head. I consider my dreams and their symbolism. My conclusion is that I am being encouraged to heal and allow the Kundalini to show me the path.

There are obvious fears holding me back. Mainly that the Kundalini has a tendency to bring about painful experiences for myself and others. That is why I pull out of the first dream before the energy is able to fill me up completely. But it is not just fear of hurt that causes me to pull away. It is also the memory of Home and how homesick it makes me when I experience Home again. This reality is so harsh and ugly in comparison and I end up horribly depressed when I come “back down”.

111, 1111

I’ve also been seeing 111 and 1111 quite a bit lately. I see it on the clock almost daily. In fact, one of the visions I had this morning while in the in-between was of 1111. Then today, I noticed my stats:

Happy Rave New Year!

SOLAR TRANSIT Gate 41 – Gate of Contraction, Decrease Jan 21 thru 26


The cosmic energy now brings us to the beginning of the Human Experiential way with fuel and a pressure to satisfy your desires and fulfill your destiny.

Imagine if your wildest fantasies and daydreams were running through your mind at the same time. It would be difficult to focus and take them all on. However, if you focus your energy on just one … the possibility of initiating that experience becomes viable. Contraction holds the potential for all human experiences, but releases or initiates only one at a time.

So, consider taking one step and then the next.

In your DNA this gate represents the genetic initiating codon, the capital letter at the beginning of any genetic sentence … the start of a new cycle of human experience.

This frequency could be compared to how life looks as it disappears in the observable world during winter and yet new life is gestating in the unseen world below.

If you’re feeling restless, you may find balance by writing or daydreaming about what it might be like to fulfill your wildest desires, or by vicariously experiencing them through literature and movies. Could it be a time to let go of something to discover what is truly yours? When you understand cycles, you know that Increase automatically follows Decrease. So, while this energy is prominent you can fortify your foundation or examine what’s working for you and what is not. Whatever you release during this period of Decrease will pave the way for something else. Nature shows us that Decrease isn’t a negative event. It’s simply how life continues its forward movement even while appearing to move backward.

The Earth’s grounding force is the voice of influence – for good or for bad. Benevolence may allow you to let go and discover what is rightfully yours. You may need to give up something you feel is important as a commitment to conscientious growth with another. Is it time to remove the superfluous to make room for something new?

Happy Rave New Year!

Love Yourself,

Ruth Brennan

I’m beginning this post with a quote because it contains within it so much of what I’ve been experiencing.

The Rave New Year (Human Design) started on January 20th. I began to feel something….new….a few days before. It started as a feeling I can’t quite describe. Like an energy hovering around me, putting pressure on me from without but also…within? Then, on the 20th, I awoke with such certainty and what is even more surprising, motivation! OMG I haven’t felt motivated in so long.

Oh, and no, it is in no way connected to the inauguration. Which, BTW, I didn’t watch. But now, days later, I wish I had, if only to see Bernie wearing that coat and mittens. LOL

Ever since the 20th I’ve continued to feel motivated. It is such a welcomed feeling, too! So refreshing after so long – a year? more? Suddenly, I have so much opportunity, so much I can do and seemingly little time.

It is also not lost on me that we are entering (in?) the sign of Aquarius. My rising sign and a time when I typically have some significant spiritual experiences, though not always. I never know what will happen but I have been forewarned. My guides have given me the month of March several times now as an end-period, a time of conclusions and so also beginnings. February on into March is to be looked forward to, if only to release me from the nasty grip of my Uranus Opposition (or as they call it, mid-life crisis).

Some things that hit me with the energy shift on the 20th (ideas, thoughts, excitements):

Quit my job. Ha! I know, crazy! Why? Because….IDK really, but mainly I don’t need it anymore and want to put my attention on something else. Free up time to do things just for me. My job is boring. Easy, yes. Boring and monotonous mostly. I have saved half my earnings from last year and if I stay I will save all of them.

For most of my life, when people asked me what I wanted to do in life (career, goals), I responded with: “I don’t want to have to work”. Spoken like a true Projector! lol And here I am. I don’t have to work. Success! But….the extra money is nice to have, the work-from-home is nice, the working for my husband is nice, the simplicity of it is nice… and so and so forth. So, I have not resigned yet. I am mulling over my options.

I really think I want to focus on bodybuilding full-time for a while. I know, weird, but if you know me, it really isn’t. I have made huge strides in the last 14 weeks and finally have my metabolism back where it was in 2014 when I stopped lifting because I had a newborn. I am really proud of myself – Inches lost, energy levels up, generally feeling healthier and happier. So, I am thinking I may compete, do a show, just to say I did.

Another idea – Go on a Walkabout. Yep. This is one of those things I want to do just for me. It came to me after asking the Universe to help me figure out what I needed to do. I knew I needed to do something for me, but what? Costa Rica still feels wrong. So what? Then I saw it and had one of those “time stands still” moments as I was watching my TV show. The main character was urged to go on a Walkabout because he was confused and uncertain about things. That was it.

At first I thought, “Six months!” lol Now I am thinking, “however long it takes” and am letting the Universe show me the route. Thus far, I have felt pulled West. I have a friend who lives in Sedona and a brother in Tucson. So, my final destination will be Arizona but I want to see as many ancient sites along the way as I can. Choco Canyon has always been one of those places, but there are plenty of others. The cave dwellings and White Sands are two others. When I will go is yet unknown but I’m sure it will come to me soon enough. Oh, and I don’t have to quit my job to do it. I can take a leave of absence if I want. Another employee goes on a yearly “walkabout” for several months, so why can’t I?

Smaller things are coming to me all the time, so much that I keep losing track and when I finally sit down to write about them I go completely blank. I recognize that this is because I am not necessarily meant to take action now but when I get the go-ahead from the Universe. I will be shown the way. Most likely, I will be invited to take certain paths.

With all the energy and increase in motivation, my sleep has been suffering. I’m just not tired and when I do fall asleep I wake up about an hour or two later wide awake again. This goes on all night. Oh well, sleep was nice when I had it but at least now I have motivation. Did I say how wonderful it is to feel motivated again? 😉

Ladybug and Hawk Magic

Twice this week I’ve had encounters with a ladybug. It seems to be inhabiting our bathroom. The first time I saw it, I thought it was dying and worried about it. Three days later I found it again but this time it was quite lively. I think it is living off my little, potted bamboo plant, hiding out in our house to avoid the winter chill. I took several videos and close-up shots of him/her. So beautiful!

“Ladybugs appearing in your life precede a time when your goals begin manifesting in remarkable ways. Bits of good fortune trickle around like petals on warm winds. Stop and enjoy this moment. Don’t rush too quickly into anything, but instead let nature unfold like Ladybugs wings.

There is no need to worry or fret – live and honor your sacred truths.

A Ladybug Spirit animal may also arrive at the advent of a new relationship, or the renewal of one that had grown a tad stale. Ladybug whispers words of love in your partner’s ears. Remember that sweet voice and translate it into pillow talk as the relationship sparks.

Alternatively, Ladybug may be telling you that love is just around the corner. If you see Her, count her spots to know the days, weeks or months before it arrives. Keep an open mind!” Source

On the 20th I saw a hawk flying with a branch in its mouth. It landed on top of a nearby tree where a large nest was taking form. I watched from below the tree as the hawk flew away and its mate landed on the nest and placed another twig.

I have never seen a pair of hawks like this. What a wonder! I tried to get a photo but it seemed like they were both a bit shy.

Hawks are about possibilities and seeing things from a new perspective. They remind us to be aware of the “bigger picture”. They are messengers to trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should be. A pair of them could indicate that this message is about two people, likely partners. Or it could just be a double reminder. Whatever the message, it added a sense of wonder to my day.

One More Quote

This one is about Self-Projected Projectors (me!). I am especially proud of my Self-Projectedness:

At the very Top of Hierarchy sits the Self-Projected Projector. Pulling Others up, the Hummingbird catches the Fractal and holds Everything together. Just like a Black Hole in the Center of a Galaxy, that intense Pull towards the Middle is what makes the Self-Projected Projector so strong. The strongest Magnet lies within the Self Projected Projector Who operates from the Chest, the Magnetic Monopole, the Place of Self. “The Future is about Self-Projectedness”.

The Future is not about the Tribe. SPP’s don’t have Tribal Definition.

The most conditioned and compromised by the Environment, the Self-Projected Projectors when operating correctly have the most luminous Power of All. This means Aloneness First. Middle.

The Amplification of the SPP’s Aura in the Right Environment, this is what brings great Influence to the Entire Fractal Included. It is able to unlock many places at the same time, have impact that does not require Repetition. It Triggers deep. Imagine the Quasar with the Black Hole in the Middle. This is how it can be visualized. The Aura of a Self Projected Projector differs when making the Amplification of Energies. Yet it stabs directly in the G of the Other when invited, just as by any Other Projector.

The One that comes the Last, the Alpha of the Fractal, most likely will be a SPP.

“At the Beginning there was a Word. The Word was of God. The Word was God”. Self Projected Projectors Create incredible things from the Place of Self-Expression, the Voice and Self-Love. This Kind of Leader magnetizes everything towards the Self, insisting on the Karmic Entanglement and Resolution of all that stands in the way of it. ~ Theos Doros

Happy Rave New Year!

Kundalini Dream: Have Dinner with Me

The vivid dreams continue……

Dream: Have Dinner with Me

The dream began outside in a stadium(firmness of purpose to finish what was started and achieve goals). I was walking along bleachers and saw this very small man. I went up to him and commented on his appearance, taking his hand into my own and saying, “You hands are proportional to your body.” He said, “I’m a dwarf (stunted growth, holding back emotion). I look young but I am 32.” I smiled and responded with, “Really? Wow. I’m 36.” My memory of the little man is vivid. He looked just like a miniature man. He had tanned skin, muscles and a few wrinkles. His face was etched with fine lines and he had fair hair. He was like a realistic doll, maybe about three feet tall.

There was a man with him who spoke to me at that time. Somehow he and I ended up in a different scene. The bleachers disappeared and we were walking into an event hall (likely indicative of “Kundalini events”, of which I’ve had many). The room was decorated in dark colors and we were dressed in formal attire. I remember saying to the man, “I come here all the time”. It felt like he and I met at this event hall, as if I had gone to these events many times but this was the first time he had attended.

The next thing I know I am in my mom’s bedroom (private self). The man is with me and we are laying on the bed together (my happy, relaxed place). Across from us is a walk-in closet (space to store or keep things hidden). Though I can’t recall what exactly was said, I remember talking to the man and him being very forward with me. What his energy said is more memorable to me than his words anyway. An amazingly erotic energy was coming from him and sparking in me a desire that was hard to ignore. I remember laughing quite a bit. I felt playful around him and began to try and get away from him. It felt like a game of tag almost with me moving away from him and him grabbing me and pulling me back to him. Each time his energy would envelope me and I would feel overcome with desire and longing.

Still laughing, I crawled into the walk-in closet (“closeting” myself or my emotions). The light was on and my face was at the level of the shoe rack. The man was behind me. I continued to laugh playfully as I inched my way into the closet, moving shoes (various approaches to life) out of my way. I grabbed a pair of dress boots (strength, victory) and put them on top of other shoes on the rack to my left (the feminine). I commented, “I have way too many shoes!” I could feel the man’s energy as he inched his way closer, still hovering over me. He grabbed onto my waistband and I laughed playfully as I stared at rows of shoes in the golden hued closet. The energy intensified and I began to lose my breath.

Suddenly the man stood up in the doorway of the closet. I turned around and looked at him. I don’t remember what he looked like, though, which is unfortunate. He said, “Have dinner with me.” I laughed and said, “Why don’t we just have sex and get it over with.” 

Dream: Hidden Apartment

I was in an apartment (emotional state) hallway (transition period). I was tending to the children who suddenly burst out a hallway exit and onto the streets. I went out to gather them up and complained to my husband for not keeping a better eye on them. 

When I came back inside I walked down the hallway. At the end was a door (barrier to growth, closed off). To the right was another door, a closet. An older man with a beer gut opened a door on the left and took me into the door at the end of the hallway. Inside was a very neglected space with an old sofa, a window and a dresser. I remember being surprised it was there and that it was only one very tiny room. I walked back out into the hall and turned back to look through the still open door. The man’s friends were inside the room and for a moment it reminded me of a scene from The Godfather. The air in the room was hazy with clouds of smoke.  I could see a group of men sitting on the yellow plaid sofa inside. They were smoking and drinking. One looked at me. It made me feel very uncomfortable. 

Still in the hallway, I looked where the closet on my right had been. Instead of a door I saw a shelf with various first aid supplies on it. 

The scene shifted and I was looking again at the room at the end of the hallway. I felt like a child and there were other children with me. Curious about the room, we went inside to explore. Again the room was in disarray but this time there was a door in the back. The old man who had previously shown me the room was there but he was grossly overweight. He was wearing white underwear with a white undershirt. The room was very dirty, like it hadn’t been cleaned in years. Items were strewn all over. The floors, furniture and walls had splatter marks all over them. 

One child with me needed to use the bathroom so I ventured through the door at the back of the room hoping to find a bathroom. There was a bathroom but it was nasty. Two toilets were on the back wall on either side of a sink. There was also a urinal. Everything with a drain was clogged, stuffed with toilet paper and filled to the rim with nasty water. I told the child, who looked like my youngest, to use the sink to pee because it was the least clogged and the toilets were unusable. When he peed in the sink it also overflowed and I had to pull my son away from the nasty water.  

The obese man then showed me another room even farther back. It was a bedroom that had been closed off for quite some time. It was not as nasty as the other parts of the apartment. I did not go in but could see a bed with white linens inside. 


The first dream appears to be an invitation to continue with my clearing work via the Kundalini. As has been my tendency for the past year or so, I avoided the opportunity, choosing to instead “hide in a closet”. I knew immediately the closet was about closeting my emotion. I am trying to hide from something. What? I’m not sure but it likely involves high emotion. 

The shoes in the dream are all on the left side of the closet. The left represents the feminine. The shoes represent all the past roles I’ve played. The boots indicate success in regards to the feminine aspect.

The dwarf in the dream seems significant. I believe he is there to bring attention to my masculine aspect which is stunted and not able to grow into his full potential.

The second dream may be a sneak peak at what is holding me back. The hidden apartment indicates a part of myself that has been neglected. This wound is full of negative emotion that has become stuck and is clogging up my energy body. It may be a partial memory of aspects of a past life or lives, lives where the masculine is seen in a negative light. The connection to The Godfather could be indicative I view some part of my past as “bad” or “corrupt”. The morbidly obese man could represent the masculine energy; gluttony, over indulgence, lack of self-care. 

While the second dream may be pointing to my past lives, it could also just be there to remind me of the many negative beliefs I have about men from this lifetime. From this life experience I have become wary of men in general. I do not trust them. Their number one motivation is sex. They attend to their own needs first. They generally view females as a their servants. We are there to cook their meals, tend to their children, clean their house, wash their clothes, and provide them with sex on demand. So, to put it simply, men are scum.

Yeah, sad, but I can’t help how I feel. The older I get, the more convinced I am that my observations are accurate. Find me one man whose primary motivation is not sex. Just one. And I bet if I do find one he long ago lost the ability to get an erection.

So it’s no wonder that my response in my dream to the man’s invitation to dinner was what it was. Let’s just have sex and get it over with. In the end, isn’t that why he invited me to dinner in the first place? Why tiptoe around the obvious?

Featured image source – http://www.istockphoto.com

Dream: Teaching Government – and a Message: The Light Will Prevail

I was in a car driving in Montana. I watched the beautiful scenery fly by through the car window. The trees had a vibrant orange foliage. The colors, blurred by the speed of the car, formed what appeared to be smear of orange on the window.

I knew I was going to report to my new job. I was unsure what I would find. As we rounded the bend I saw a large building and thought, “That must be the school.” 

When I walked up to the school building, teachers were rushing about and I could not find anyone to get directions from. I saw the front desk and went to inquire there. The counter was long and gray with a second counter below it for people on the other side to rest against. It reminded me of a teller’s station at a bank. The receptionists were on the phones talking or talking to people at the counter. I overheard their conversations. They were discussing a new policy to ensure no one came into the building infected. Everyone, even the teachers, had to wait in a long line to enter the building. They had their temperature taken and were given an amount of time to wait before interacting with others. 

When I got to the front of the line and spoke to the receptionist I told her I was the new teacher. She asked me what I was going to teach and I said, “Government”. She congratulated me and instructed me to check in, which meant I had to go through the line. 

I walked around to the side of the building and bypassed the line in order to observe everyone around me. It was all very odd to me the way they operated this school – the lines, the mini-quarantine, the metal detector-like boxes everyone had to walk through. They even had little gates that lifted only when a person was granted access. 

When I went through the line I somehow managed to avoid the same stringent inspection. They asked me where I had been and I said, “I was on a walk”. They told me, “Stand over there.” I think I was told I had to quarantine for a whole day but that isn’t what happened, so maybe it was 1 hour? 

A nice woman approached me and gave me keys to my classroom along with some other materials that I would need. I remember a rolling chair that had a compartment on the back where I could hide things. A bag of chips was in the compartment when she demonstrated how it worked. There was a cover that went over the back of the chair. The chair also had a way to position the chair to make it easier to get out of it. I thought it all a bit too much but it was cool regardless. 

Then the woman asked me about my plans. Did I tend to create lesson plans well in advance or as needed? I told her I liked to have an outline for the entire year and several weeks of plans written. She seemed to disapprove and explained that it was expected that I create lessons daily because government was a subject that required students to really master each topic before moving onto the next topic. I nodded my agreement and said that every lesson could be adjusted to the needs of the class. I remember thinking of how the subject itself could be very difficult for some students to master.

The woman also explained that I would be jumping right into teaching. The previous teacher would not be there to assist. I had assumed he would be so this made me a little apprehensive. 

I looked down at the keys to my classroom and decided I would go take a look at it. I had to get into yet another line. This time a student came up to me and smiled. She told me she would be in my class and was highly energetic. I greeted her warmly but I began to second guess my decision to teach there. I wondered if I was under contract. Could I leave whenever I wanted? 

The next thing I remember is being in a car with the woman who had given me my introduction. We were heading to the nearest town which was 30 minutes away. The town was where I would be staying while I was there. I remember asking about the distance and the woman said the school was at least 30 minutes from any town. I again thought about changing my mind. Did I really want to have that long of a commute? A commute that long in the winter could be brutal. 

As we drove I looked out the window and commented on the river. I think my daughter was there. I pointed out that the rivers in Montana were three times the size of the rivers in Texas. All I could see out both sides of the car was this massive river. It was very turbulent with rocks poking out in places. 

A man who happened to be in the car with us was asking me about Texas rivers. He said he owned land in New Braunsfels. I told him about tubing on the Comal River. In my mind I saw the crystal clear waters of the much smaller Comal River. In comparison to the river I was seeing out the window, the Comal was so much more beautiful with its emerald green, clear water and calmer, lazy current.


It seemed like the dream was a warning of what lies ahead. When I woke I was thinking of the info I received in a dream in 2013 that told of the Corona Virus and a “change in government” that would happen around 2022.

For me, Montana is symbolic of my journey. As one travels through life, they encounter mountains and valleys. The mountains are the challenges, the valleys are the calmer, easier periods. In many of my recent dreams, I’ve recalled conversations with others about possibly relocating to Montana. I have declined those invitations, indicating that the harsh winters are just too much for me. Now, in this dream, I am moving to MT to teach government. I can’t say for sure if “government” is directly related to my own journey, a Collective lesson, or both. Based upon the virus precautions I observe in the dream, I can’t help but think I am being shown a glimpse of a possible future, one where the US is requiring everyone go through stringent protocols in order to just live their lives. This may mean long lines, temperatures taken, vaccines given, quarantines required, etc. 

The discussion I have about lesson plans seems to be a warning that it would be advisable that I not make any long-term plans at this time. Instead, it is suggested that I take it day-by-day, changing my plans as needed and adjusting to “student” needs. It could also indicate that there is no set path at this time; that the Collective is experiencing a type of “zero point” and so no one path is THE path, but instead all paths are available and open to us. 

When I write about this zero point I see a single point that then explodes into a starburst pattern in all directions. 

The massive river I see indicates a period of turbulence and challenge. I am contrasting this to a calmer river – perhaps a period in my life. In the dream I wonder if I can change my mind. I see the crystal clear, emerald green waters of the Comal River as preferable to the massive and turbulent water of the river I feel surrounded by in the car. 

It felt like I was being encouraged to enjoy this time in my life because major change would be coming. It feels like that change is not something I can control, like it will happen around me via the changing political climate in the US – and likely the world as a whole. I heard, as I awoke, that the Light will prevail in the end. It wasn’t just the Light in general, but my own, also. 

Pic of my personal journal with the prediction (#19)

I was reminded of a list of predictions I was given early into my spiritual journey. So, I opened up one of two, three-inch binders that hold a printout of my personal journal. 

I found the list of predictions for the next 50 years. It was written in August, 2003. One of those predictions did have to do with the political climate in the US.  

“[A] Political party shift will occur in the middle part of the fifty year period. Two new political parties will emerge and Democratic and Republican moderates will merge into a new party.” 

Considering I wrote down these predictions in 2003, the “middle part” would be around 2026. This is very soon! 

I find it difficult to imagine that the Democrats and Republicans would “merge” in any way, but it is possible. The political parties in the US have undergone numerous shifts throughout history. At one point the Republican party was more like today’s Democratic party. So, anything is possible. In fact, I was thinking just this morning how during the Civil War the term “radical” was used as much as the word “liberal” is used today to describe members of a political party with more extreme beliefs. 

I suppose this dream could be considered quite ominous but I prefer to focus on the message I received as I awoke: The Light will prevail.

Snow Day and Dream: Flying!

We got snow in Central Texas a couple of days ago. There is still some on the ground. Usually snow, if it sticks, only lasts a few hours this far south but we got 4 inches of snow and the temperatures have stayed pretty low, especially over night.

While I like snow, I don’t like it enough that I want it to stick around for two days. Please, weather, warm up enough to melt it all! I prefer warmer weather to this frigid, bone-chilling, cold.

Still, though, snow can be quite lovely. The sound of it falling, the perfect blanket of white covering all imperfections on the ground, the way it illuminates everything…..

Here are some pictures I took. Enjoy!

Dream: Flying!

I couldn’t sleep last night for some reason. When I did finally sleep I had a dream that continued even after I woke several times.

The dream started out with me observing a military operation that was a coverup. The military would send children to “safe places”, but in reality they were taking them to a place where they would eventually be killed. I watched as several groups of siblings were taken away with permission from their parents. I protested quite loudly but no one would listen to me. So I watched this process unfold, unable to do anything to stop it. It was awful. It felt so real and was so upsetting that when I woke I believed I had relived a past life.

When I returned to sleep I was running and hiding. There was still this sense that the military was up to no good. There were dogs on my trail and I kept hiding under trees and in bushes hoping to avoid capture. I ran under some low hanging branches of a tree and tried to climb up off the ground. As I did this, a dog ran up under the tree with me. My last thoughts were, “Fine! I guess I will just get caught” as I looked down at this fluffy, golden colored dog who obviously was not there to do me any harm.

I woke again, this time asking to go OOB or at least to get a dream that was more positive and fun.

The military theme continued. This time, having been “caught”, I was ushered into a large classroom/gymnasium area. It was one of many and the one I was put in was across the hall from another one. Inside this classroom I was asked to wait and get settled. I remember seeing a whiteboard with writing on it and some drawings by previous students. I believe the students were in and out of the room while I was in it.

It was too cold in my classroom so I adjusted the thermostat. As I did so, a woman “teacher”, dressed in a brown military uniform, came over. I made an excuse but she said she was just tying to get to the eggs. She leaned over me and grabbed something, an egg. I remember thinking that what I was seeing as a classroom was not what she was seeing/experiencing. I briefly saw into her “world” and realized I was standing in a kitchen in front of the refrigerator.

My classroom then became a mixture of the two scenes. I saw a trash bag and people cleaning up after a meal right in front of the teacher’s desk. Inside the bag I could see a piece of paper with handwriting on it. I read a bit of it. It appeared to be an observation of me by someone I know in life. What they wrote was inaccurate. I remember thinking, “He can’t think that about me.” So I went and dug through the trash when the woman left the room. Turns out it the piece of paper was hand written notes by me describing arguments I’ve had with my husband. One of them was over something at work. I was embarrassed that this was out in the open for everyone to see because the arguments were very childish and a waste of time and energy.

Eventually I grew bored, grabbed the key to my room, unlocked it and so went across the hall with my dog (not sure where he came from). When I got to the other classroom I began to unlock it. A military woman came and stood next to me. I could see that inside the classroom a whole group of higher ranking military personnel were inside. The woman indicated I was turning the key the wrong way. I felt scrutinized, so went back to my classroom.

When I got inside the room had changed. It was a massive gymnasium-type space filled with students wearing PT clothing (gray sweat pants and shirts). The male PT officer came in and began directing the activities. He had in his hand a PVC pipe and selected students to demonstrate to the group how to do pullups. He pointed to me. I said, “Me?” He nodded “yes” so I went up to him. He asked me if I knew how to do a pullup. I said I did. He then instructed me to grasp the pipe with palms facing toward me. I said, “You mean chin-up then.” I showed him I knew how to do one but when I grabbed hold of the pipe I began to float. I became weightless. It took some practice but I did the chin-up easily, knocking out ten reps without issue. The officer congratulated me in front of the class for good form.

Once I was freed of being in the spotlight, I wanted to float more so I begged the PT officer to let me. He nodded that I could and I began to float and propel myself all over. I ended up flying everywhere, zigzagging across the room as if I was on a bungie cord. I invited other students to join me. Some looked at me like I was the “bad” student, standing below me with disapproving faces. Some joined in on the fun.

Eventually, I was flying with two men through a tunnel. The men were telling me it was time to settle and get back to work. I was flying over the tops of their heads messing with their hats. Both had plastic water bottle caps on their hats, which I picked up and inspected, thinking, “Why are these here?”


This dream seems to one of those where I am semi-aware of a conversation or situation that is not meant to consciously recalled. Therefore, I end up experiencing two settings overlapping. One is in a home, the other a classroom/gym.

There is definitely an emotional past life or current life situation being discussed. The military is symbolic of a serious situation or lesson/struggle I am involved in and discussing. Something is happening to individuals who I feel are innocent or unknowing and I am unable to bring attention to the situation. I feel powerless to help and this causes me great upset. Based upon my emotions and reaction to the dream, it feels like these “innocents” are humans who are not yet “awake” and so not unlike innocent children who I want to protect. These children are being lied to and manipulated and it ultimately leads to their demise. So, it is a Collective dream.

The seriousness of the dream and whatever is being discussed takes its toll so I ask for a reprieve and am given it. Though I don’t become lucid, it was very real, as if I were fully lucid. The flying was amazing! I wanted to go back to that part of the dream when I awoke.

Interesting enough, the symbolism in the end is the most revealing. Going through a tunnel while being told it is time to get back to work is symbolic of my return to the body and physical life here on Earth – I need to focus on doing what I came here to do. The bottlecaps symbolize my roots and connections to humanity.

Vision: Tidal Wave

Woke this morning and had a vision as I was considering my life at present. I saw a tidal wave coming up over my head. It never hit because I came out of my reverie.

I instantly began thinking of the omens I have seen on my walks since we returned home from Montana. The first was a dead rabbit. Yesterday I found a dead dove in the middle of the field as if it just decided to lay down and take a nap.

Tidal wave symbolism – appears when one is under a great deal of pressure or is going through significant life change. The water aspect is all about emotion and in the form of a tidal wave it is a surge of emotion where one feels overwhelmed or unable to cope with what is happening in their life. Usually these changes have to do with procrastination or avoidance of one’s true feelings about something.

Dead dove symbolism – to see a dead dove means an ending to a significant relationship. Because doves mate for life, when one dies the other often sits by the body of their loved one to their own detriment, meaning they will often die, too. So, to see a dead dove indicates a major loss that brings with it great change. It represents the cycle of death and rebirth.

Dead rabbit symbolism – I already touched briefly on this symbol but I will repeat it. A dead rabbit is indicative of loss, usually the loss of a family, family member or loved one who is like family. 

Altogether these omens and visions seem to point to a great change. At first I worried it meant the death of a family member, and I suppose it could mean that, but eventually I just let it be. I know from previous sightings of dead doves that this omen indicates an end to a relationship, at least for me. In the past I was forced to let go of someone, so it was a symbolic death. I can’t recall ever seeing a dead rabbit before. As for tidal waves, I’ve had visions of them before but cannot recall a specific incident related to those visions.

From experience I know that trying to prepare myself by going through every possible scenario never works. I have to just wait and see.

Dream Theme: Ants

I’ve also had two dreams recently about ants. The first was on New Years Eve:

Dream: Burning Ant Bed

I was talking to someone about my credits in History and considering just taking 5 more classes to get my Master’s in the subject. I remember talking about how easy writing papers was and how the subject came naturally to me. I recall seeing my daughter’s name spelled two ways in a paper I was reading and pointing it out to her but her being grumpy about it.

Then I was walking through campus and noticed large, modern houses were built pretty much everywhere. A three story white, modern home was in a very odd place, like right on the corner of the sidewalk. I walked a bit talking to someone about the campus when I saw a ant bed near the sidewalk. I decided to set it on fire to kill the ants when a small, black and white puppy came over and stood in the center of the burning ant bed. I watched it, shocked but somewhat curious as to what it was doing. Eventually, noticing its paws were raw and bleeding, I plucked it out of the burning bed and inspected it. It seemed okay but it would need bandages.

I went to the house I had gone past and saw my FB friend Betty. I showed her the puppy and she was like, “Oh dear, the nuns won’t like this.” Then a nun wearing all white came by and Betty gave her the puppy to treat. I walked away, worried I would be asked lots of questions. I felt guilty for letting the poor pup burn and for setting the fire. I walked past Betty’s husband and told him my worries and then woke up.

Interpretation: History class symbolizes a life lesson that I am discussing. Perhaps the lesson relates to my own karma? I seem to feel fine about completing a degree in it, confident that I can do it. When I woke my first thought about it was that I am starting to feel better about my ability to complete karmic contracts in this lifetime. Since my daughter’s name comes up, it could be that I am considering my children and my karma with them and their father. My guess is the 5 classes could be a time period of 5 years or maybe just 5 more incidents or milestones that must be reached.

Ants in general symbolize hard work. A whole colony of ants is likely accomplishments made with one’s group or team. An ant colony can symbolize startling changes that are occurring in my life. Because I am burning the colony it could mean that I am attempting to destroy or end relationships. The puppy might represent someone in my life who is young and growing who I want to protect. I see the puppy being burned. Eventually I save it but feel guilty because I didn’t save it sooner and so it is wounded. I’m not sure what the nun means but it could be that I give up control to a higher power.

Dream: Drowning Ants

In the second dream I was outside watching a family playing with a water hose in their backyard. The dad was spraying the kids and they were enjoying getting wet. Then I walked over to the edge of the yard where I saw an ant bed. It had been drenched with water. I took a stick and began to push into the ant bed, tearing it apart to look inside. The ants were waterlogged and desperately clung to my stick. I saw them and marveled at them just like I did as a child.

Interpretation: Ants are about teamwork, hard work, creating something through cooperation. Ant beds must be about community or family or the Collective. Water doesn’t typically kill ants, it just slows them down. Water is symbolic of emotion usually. I am using a stick to look at the ants like I did as a child. It is as if I am observing how “emotion” effects the group. I’m not sure which group but it is, likely “Family” because I had been watching a family play with a water hose. 


In addition to all of the above, I have been feeling this strange feeling of being in between life cycles. It is the open feeling, like I am waiting to be shown the next step. Where earlier in the Fall months I was feeling ready to make drastic life changes and considering doing so, now I feel as if I need nothing at all. It isn’t necessarily a peaceful feeling but more a feeling of nothingness, as if I an drifting in a void. Where I am usually seeking a glimpse of future available paths, now there is no seeking beyond the present. I don’t seem to care. It isn’t apathy, either, it is…..nothingness.

To be honest, the feeling is not one I am comfortable with. So last night I attempted to dig within a bit to try and tap into any remaining emotion that might need release. I have a tendency to bury emotion, especially emotions that are overwhelming or difficult to handle, and sometimes the only way to move that emotion up and out is to do a bit of digging. Besides, often, for me at least, no feeling is a symptom of too much feeling.

I was able to contact some emotion, emotion connected to a past event from over 5 years ago now. There was very little emotion remaining but enough to bring some tears. And, of course, I was confronted with what I can only describe as a hole in my heart that when inspected doesn’t reveal anything except emptiness. I am very familiar with it. It seems to be a part of my Being, as if I were born with it. 

Where in the past I would attempt to fill this hole with whatever I could, I have learned that it is pointless. Nothing external will work. In fact, I am not even sure a hole actually exists but is instead a belief most likely compounded by perceived rejection and abandonment by others. 

Mostly I feel ready. For what? I have no idea but I guess that is the point. 

Edit: After I wrote this post I went on my morning walk. Within a minute I found the playing card I had seen some time ago. When I first saw it, it was the 6 of Hearts, but today when I saw it the 6 of Hearts part was completely gone. The weather must have destroyed it. So it was a completely blank playing card and a validation of what I just wrote. I feel “blank”, just like the card.

Back from Montana and Surprise OBE

Happy New Year!

We returned from Montana last night. I didn’t get much sleep because there were as many fireworks as the 4th of July. Never heard so much noise on New Year’s Even before. I hate to burst everyone’s bubble of hope, but I highly doubt 2021 will be much better than 2020 no matter how much you celebrate it’s passing. The world has a tough decade ahead and this is not just me being a pessimist.

To give you an idea of what I feel is coming up this year (at least for me), I was met by a gruesome sight on my morning walk. Right before I saw the below image, I had been wondering what 2021 would bring:

A dead rabbit. 😦 This is symbolic of loss, usually the loss of a relationship, friendship or family connection.

Not far from the rabbit was a flathead screwdriver.

My guess is there is quite a bit of work to be done this year.

Montana Trip

But this post isn’t about what is to come, it’s about my trip and how I ended the year.

My children did excellent for their first time traveling by plane. Everything went smoothly with some added bonuses. We got a rental upgrade and a room upgrade when we arrived in Bozeman, the weather was perfect, the roads were clear and the air not too cold. We spent the first day on the slopes of Bridger Bowl Ski Area and the last day near the same ski area at a place called Crosscut Mountain Sports Center where we tried cross country skiing. All three skiing adventures were firsts for my kids. My husband had never tried cross country skiing and I had not done either type of skiing for at least 20 years.

I spent the first two days with my youngest and did not really doing any downhill skiing, which didn’t bother me because, though I can do it, I never really found it fun. I don’t enjoy going fast and do not like heights. When I was young I had plenty of experiences with downhill skiing but put it on my “been there, done it, got the t-shirt” list. I prefer cross country skiing to the downhill version so much that I actually owned my own skis, boots and poles when I lived in Bozeman. 🙂

We didn’t get to do much more than that except on the last day when we visited the Museum of the Rockies on the MSU campus. We ended our day activities before 5pm when the sun set.

I had no past issues come up during this visit. Bozeman has changed dramatically in the last 20 years! When I lived there every native Montanan complained about the number of Californians moving in, buying up land and pushing up the cost of nearly everything. I remember someone once saying their (the Californian’s) goal in Bozeman was to make it “the next Aspen” – a vacation destination during both summer and winter months. Looks like they met their goal. The small town is now full of every modern convenience and there was little left of the sleepy little college mountain town I once loved. Bozeman no longer resembles “genuine” Montana living. Instead, it feels very much like Austin does – dotted with “McMansions”, homes built to look “modern” and expensive, sidewalks and trails made for suburban living, and expensive designer shops everywhere.

Very few people I encountered in Bozeman were locals. They didn’t have the typical Montana accent. Most were from out-of-state, college students lured by the outdoors, the mountain skiing, and proximity to Yellowstone National Park. In fact, on the ski slopes we were told that there were a lot of Texans skiing on the days we were there. Ha! I met a family from Georgia and Louisiana, too. There were more “ya’lls” being spoken than “you guys” that is for sure. More “Coke” drinkers than “Pop” drinkers. Sigh.

We stayed at a hotel that was located in what was once a huge field adjacent to the Costco. The entire field was full of hotels, shops and restaurants. It really did look freakily like Austin! They even had an Outback Steakhouse, a Target, a Ross, and other shops similar to the ones I frequent near my home. My first reaction was, “WTF! What happened to the field!?” lol When I left in 2000 there was Wal-Mart (across town) and Costco and that is about it.

All in all, the trip was a good one but not a healing one. Old memories didn’t resurface. There was one exception, though. On one of our many drives through the city, I saw the Bozeman Inn and said to my husband as I turned and pointed, “Wal-Mart is over there”. Sure enough, past the next light there it was, just as I remembered. I must have driven that route a hundred times. So I guess some of Bozeman is still the same as it was 20 years ago. 🙂

Surprise OBE December 29th

On the second night of our stay I had a surprise OBE. I made sure to write it down to record when I returned, so here it is.

I remember talking to someone who told me that he would love to meet me for lunch when I was in New York. I remember thinking it odd. “I’m not in New York and won’t be….”I thought. When I realized I was dreaming, I decided to exit my body even though I felt for sure I was wide awake.

Sure enough I easily left my body. I went toward the door and ended up outside my mom’s house standing next to a large pick-up truck. I knew that if I opened the door my guide would be inside. Excited, I went toward the door but was pulled upward at lightning fast speeds, up, up into space. I felt strongly from within, “No….” Ugh! I couldn’t do anything except allow and when I did I ended up standing in front of a door.

I opened the door. When I went inside I saw an Indian woman and her two sons. When they saw me they totally freaked out and began to run away from me, muttering something about ghosts. I called to them, telling them it was okay and showing them I was as real as them. They seemed to know me and I felt that I must be a grandmother to the boy. I went up to him and kissed him and ruffled his hair, speaking to him the whole time. Some part of me intimately knew this family.

I remember as I spoke that my voice was masculine and I questioned this but then decided to let it go. I knew if I tried to analyze it I would end my OBE and I wanted to stay. I thought, “Who cares if I sound like a man?” lol

The family relaxed and then showed me how the home had changed. I was taken to the back where they were putting in a huge swimming pool. I explored it and discovered there were two pools. The first was cold and deep. The second was shallow and warm with little kiddie pools and a tube slide. I got into the second pool with the two kids and ended up lost in a dream within a dream. I believe I was talking about a past life and ended up reliving it.

When I came back to my body it was by choice. I remember thinking, “I’m ready to go back now.”


I will leave you with a few pics of our trip. Most are pics of the mountains but there is also a pic of a T-Rex at the Museum of the Rockies, the MSU Campus sign and the image of the mountains through the windows of the airport. No pics of me and my family, though. Keeping those to myself.