Vulnerability

According to my guidance as posted on May 9th and other posts after that, yesterday marked the end of an intensely, brutal three week period.  May 30th marked my “graduation”. Now I (We) are embarking on a journey into the unknown.

I had several visions and messages upon waking that reminded me of all the messages warning me of this pivotal moment. I was reminded of dreams such as the one above and one where I had a feeling of trepidation reminiscent of how one feels after they’ve graduated from high school. There was memory of a post by a friend on FB who has been watching a nest of Wrens grow and mature in her garage. Yesterday the three surviving babies left the nest permanently (no coincidence I’m sure). Today is also the last day of school for my children. 🙂

The song Itsy Bitsy Spider came into my mind as well:

The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout.
Down came the rain
and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun
and dried up all the rain
and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again

With the song I heard from my guidance that I was entering a learning period that would last three months and asked if I was ready. The feeling about the song was that I had been washed out by the rain (despair/grief/purging) and now the sun was out (radiance, Divine Power), drying up all the rain so that I could resume my journey “up the water spout”.

Dreams

I was reminded of my dreams last night as well.

In the first one, I was inside a house and two pregnant (growth and development) women with young children came in. They were going to stay in my room. I was very disturbed by this and tried to find a place where I could sleep undisturbed. I remember saying, “It is likely the one or both of those women will go into labor in the middle of the night!” lol

Eventually I went outside to reconnect a plug (power, potential) that had become disconnect inside a helicopter (ambitions). I was warned that I needed to be very careful as it could electrocute me if I didn’t follow the proper sequence. When outside I saw that an entire section of wood fence (barriers) had been taken down revealing the neighbor’s yard. I asked if it would stay that way and was told it would. I heard the only issue was that the neighbor’s cats (feminine power, sexuality)  kept invading the yard.

I took the a black cord to the helicopter. On the way an orange (second chakra) tabby cat ran up to me. He lay down on the ground on his back purring. I was afraid he would bite me, though (afraid of my own power).

When I got inside the helicopter there was a dashboard with a telephone (communication) and other knobs. I was told where to connect it. The final step was to pick up the phone and check the connection. There was a dial tone. I was confused because nothing had happened but was told I had done it correctly.

I knew this dream was about the Kundalini. In fact, my first thought was, “Oh no! Not more cats!” lol The cat represents, for me at least, the sexual and feminine energies of the Kundalini. I usually run away from the cats in dreams. The message I got was to not be afraid. At least now I understand my fear. I tried not to think of how it would manifest this time. It will likely be in an unexpected way.

In another dream I was being treated for a rare illness (grief and self-pity). It manifested symptoms in the dream, but I have trouble remembering them now except that I felt strange. It was energetic, so likely Kundalini. I remember emotionally feeling down and different from the other people around me. I felt like a freak. As I sat waiting for someone to assist me I heard the elevator (rising to higher level) beep. I turned, expecting to see someone but the doors opened and no one was inside. I knew the doors were opening for me. I didn’t dare go inside. I felt defeated and exhausted when I thought of going inside. There was also a feeling of being alone and unique to the point that I felt it unlikely I would ever meet anyone like me. This made me feel that much more like a weirdo, out of place with no friends or hope of fitting in.

Considerations

Though the messages I received were positive, I did not respond positively. Instead I felt disinterest and resistance. All the emotional pummeling I went through recently has depleted me. I feel disillusioned mostly. This is my own fault for trying to force what I wanted on a situation rather than allow it to unfold naturally. Impatience has been my undoing. That is the realm of the Ego-Child. They want everything “now”. And then it doesn’t help that as a spiritual Being time is difficult to gauge. So, in hearing the next three months will be a time of learning and elevation I stopped myself from trying to figure out what this might mean. I will let myself be surprised, or at least try to anyway.

Vulnerability

There is something I want to share here that has been coming up for inspection quite a bit lately. It is related to this new openness that I have been struggling to get use to. The best word for it is vulnerability. Yes, that means being open to attack, but it also means being open to everything else. In the Divine sense it goes along with complete surrender and a willingness to expose ones self to the good and the bad alike. I am coming to terms with the fact that this vulnerability is my new normal.

This article sums up vulnerability quite well.

It starts to make sense that we dismiss vulnerability as weakness only when we realize that we’ve confused feeling with failing and emotions with liabilities. If we want to reclaim the essential emotional part of our lives and reignite our passion and purpose, we have to learn how to own and engage with our vulnerability and how to feel the emotions that come with it. For some of us, it’s new learning, and for others it’s relearning. Either way, the research taught me that the best place to start is with defining, recognizing, and understanding vulnerability.

I have been receiving nudges to let myself feel and allow others to see this side of me. I struggle a great deal with the latter. I look awful when I cry. My face gets red, my eyes are puffy and my nose is like Rudolph’s. I feel ill when I think of others seeing this side of me. I retract from it. I want to hide and often I do, usually retreating to any isolating space.

When I was a child my crying was criticized, my emotions rejected. There was very little to no sympathy from my mother. In fact, my tears seemed to make her angrier. Eventually, I developed this anger as well. I got angry with her and myself for crying. Even happy tears were hidden or repressed.

When I was pregnant the emotional side-effects were my nemesis. I could not control my tears and they often came on the minute the emotion was felt. And then they seemed to go on and on. I remember bursting into tears one time when I stopped by to talk to my boss about some issues. He was very nice and let me cry but I felt humiliated by the experience thinking to myself, “He must think I am such a sap.” He offered sympathy and I outright rejected it. Why? Because it caused more tears and emotion.

I reject sympathy from everyone when I am emotional, too. My mother taught me well. Her lesson was that a good woman is a strong women who doesn’t show others her weakness. To be a weak woman is to agree that men are the stronger gender.

Yeah, royally messed up but that is what I have to work with in the life.

What I am finding, though, is that I long to be emotional, to snuggle into the arms of a man and cry my eyes out without feeling he will reject or criticize me for being weak. Instead, he will see my emotion as strength. This is as it should be. I have very seldom exposed myself to anyone in this way. If I have, it is likely with a woman and not a man. The few times I have cried and hugged my husband there was no comfort to be found. I felt judged, weak and guilty. For some reason I feel judged by him, as if my pain is a burden on him.

The sad thing is that my own daughter already shows signs that she also believes emotion equals weakness. Her biggest fear is that she will start to cry at school and everyone will see her and judge her, ridicule her or think of her as the girl who cries all the time. I assume just her exposure to the woman in my family (me included) has led her down this path. Or maybe she brought it in with her from another lifetime. I try my best to comfort her when she cries. Sadly, I normally get pushed away and yelled at.

Will I be able to come to terms with this new, vulnerable state I find myself in all the time? I guess I’m going to have to.

 

 

 

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Entering Another Section of the Equinox Portal: Clearing the Human Genetic Line

Whew! I feel I have made it to the “other side” of the hellish purging. Finally, some relief is to be had. However, I was given a glimpse in my dreams of what to expect in the coming weeks of June. June, in fact, is one hell of a month for those of us nearing the final stages of the embodiment journey. We are not done yet. Not by a long-shot!

If you do not follow my other blog, check out the video I posted yesterday for more information on what was happening over the last two weeks and what to expect in the first two weeks of June.

Dream Revelations

I spent all night walking in the shoes of my ancestors. I went back hundreds of years, visiting family members as far back as the 1600’s (maybe even further back than that). In the dream I was in a cemetery unearthing their graves, busting through the casings that covered the earth they were buried under, and reading their names and dates of life-death as I received information on their individual histories.

As I met one they would join me as I met with another. In the end I had a crowd of ancestors, all female, at my side. It was made clear that our combined history was much more than DNA, much more than blood, much more than these bodies we occupy incarnation after incarnation.

There is faint memory of an energy coursing through me as I experienced this. I am certain it was Kundalini energy, muted by lack of lucidity and the result of a request I made months ago to lessen my awareness of it. Even as I try to recall it, the memory seems to run away from me, hiding. I am okay with it as I understand it is necessary that I not get caught up in the crazy energy and my near-obsession with it.

Clearing Two “Genetic” Lines

When I awoke I recalled much more than just the dreams. In fact, the dreams themselves and the specifics of them were mostly tossed in recognition and understanding of the bigger picture they represented.

Our ancestral line consists of two branches: biological/genetic organism and spiritual Being. Though it may seem that we as spiritual beings would select a specific human genetic line to reincarnate in over and over, this is not the case. We often purposefully avoid staying within the same human genetic line. Some will reincarnate within the same family multiple times, but it is more likely that we will reincarnate within the same geographic area than within the same genetic line.

However, in contrast, we will reincarnate with our spiritual family almost exclusively. It is very rare that we experience close ties in our incarnations with someone who is not part of this family, extended or otherwise. Yes, we are all “related” but we have specific soul groups we associate with. I am told this association is along the lines of vibration and experience level. These others are our “family” and their vibration/experience is analogous to the “blood” ties we have with out human genetic family.

Currently, as we continue to peel away the layers of the False Self, we are exploring and clearing both the human genetic line of our current physical body as well as the spiritual one.

Symbiosis

When we come into a physical body we negotiate a symbiotic relationship with it – the mutually beneficial kind. Believe it or not, the human genetic organism is a Being within itself, one with its own experiences and purpose separate from our own. It is very simplistic compared to us but nonetheless it is to be respected as any living organism on planet Earth.

In memories of relating to various bodies over lifetimes, I viewed the bodies I occupied much like I view a beloved pet. I loved each of them. I cared for them, their well-being, their health. I wanted to be with them and did not want them to die. I had a strong attachment to them. To experience the death of my body was like experiencing the death of part of myself. This is the very definition of a symbiotic relationship.

You may not believe this or maybe have never considered it. I was the same until I was shown/Remembered it. I have memory of negotiating with the body I currently inhabit. I approached it when it was still in the uterus, around the six month developmental mark. I was not alone, either. My Companion was with me, helping me and instructing me on how to go about connecting with this body. I recall having to be very gentle with it. I asked permission to be with it, though it was without words. It was more of an energetic exchange where I “touched” it and let it feel me out. It decided if we were to live together in this life, not me. I am grateful for its acceptance.

The relationship is symbiotic in that neither of us could survive without the other. The body needs a spiritual Being to survive. Without one it would come into the world and die quite quickly. The body without the spiritual Being is like an newborn infant. It only has instinct and its body is not developed enough to go about living on its own. Yes, the parents could feed it and provide for it, but without a Spiritual Being to pilot it, it would be devoid of a personality, awareness of self, and the many other attributes that make a human a human. It would, in essence, be a vegetable, maintaining infancy well into adulthood.

The same goes for us as the spiritual Beings who inhabit the body. We cannot experience the physical without a physical body. We offer the physical body continued care and maintenance. It offers us a lifetime of experience in the physical.

dna

Clearing the Human Genetic Line

In June we will be clearing the human genetic line, the line of our current physical body all the way back to its origin point. That’s a lot of clearing. This is the realm of cellular memory. The lives we will review and clear have not, for the most part, been lived by us. As we clear these past human lives, and the memory of them contained in the cells of the body, we are working on a cellular level which includes the genetic level (DNA). The process results in a clean slate on which to build and restructure the human biological being we currently inhabit. Without this clearing the physical form would not be able to handle the immense amount of Light it will be holding in the near future.

The clearing of the human genetic line can easily be confused as clearing the “Collective”. It is not exactly that, but it fits in with this idea because the genetic line is extensive and branches out the farther from the origin point one gets.

So ultimately we are doing twice the clearing – our Spiritual line (our past lives to include multidimentional aspects) and the human genetic line of the physical body we occupy in this incarnation.

Why clear the human genetic line? That cellular memory, well it’s not always helpful. In fact, it usually is the opposite of helpful. If somewhere early in the genetic line there was a strong experience that led to death, that experience remains in cellular memory. These memories can be triggered by similar events and manifest in the present body. Not fun and very confusing for the Spiritual Being who inhabits the body. An example would be if the somewhere way back on the genetic line an ancestor died from drowning. Later on anxiety or other ailments could result when even a tiny part of that memory is triggered. The genetic organism wants to survive so it holds onto any experience that threatens its survival. So the memories are usually not pleasant, full of fear, and highly instinctive.

How will we experience this clearing? Don’t worry, if you have gotten this far you have done most of the work already, most of it without knowing. Some physical manifestations could present themselves but really there is nothing you need to do except be aware that this kind of clearing is occurring. Tuning into your Self and being aware and heart-centered will allow you to avoid being the effect of any unfortunate triggers that may arise.

Oh, and by the way, the spiritual clearing we have been doing, it continues right alongside the clearing of the genetic line. The work continues. More purging is to be expected.

Dream or Reality?

I experienced another purging episode last night around 6pm. It was another bad one. I would recover briefly only to be overcome by it again. It seemed to come in waves and though I pleaded with my guidance for it to stop, it didn’t. Eventually, in my quest to stop the overwhelming emotion, a thought came to me that I should do some yoga. With the thought my third eye, throat and heart lit up with energy.

I went directly upstairs and did some yoga for about a half hour. In the beginning the emotion came on strong but by the end it was gone and I felt normal albeit exhausted. My heart was on fire most of the time as it was also when hit with the emotion. The only way to describe the feeling is to say my heart is aching – literally.

In recalling how I felt last night a memory surfaced of a similar feeling I once had way back in May, 2015. It was preceded by an amazing OBE where I met up with my Council and family in Spirit. The afternoon after this OBE, however, I was nearly debilitated by a surge of emotion and grief. It hit my heart center and felt exactly like the ache in my heart I felt last night. The grief felt on this day in 2015 was for the loss of a family member in Spirit, a close family member and one who I loved dearly. She had killed herself, exiting her life prematurely, and the after-effects were felt by each of us like a ripple effect through us all. It was such a strange experience back then for me to feel such overwhelming love for a woman I never knew in the physical. And then to have it knock me to my knees to the point of non-functionality was a surprise indeed!

Being that how I have been feeling for – jeez months now? – is nearly identical to how I felt in May, 2015, it has me wondering some things. Am I grieving my family in Spirit? Is the grief coming from my resistance to a “call” to join them? Or is it just grief for being separated from them? And if it is either of those, what does it even mean? Will I be feeling like this until I answer the “call” and reunite with them? How the hell am I suppose to live like this? It is like a living death when the pain and grief hits me and so far it has been a nightly/daily occurrence.

Dream or Reality?

This morning a strange thing happened. I had awakened with absolutely no memory of dreams or experiences in dreamtime. I was just laying there dozing when I suddenly recalled something I had done. The memory was of being in a room with at least a half dozen men. They were standing in line at the foot of a bed I was laying on. My job was to have sex with each of them, one by one. I remember doing this happily and allowing them to treat me as a sex object. I even remember some of what they said and what I said, all of very degrading. They had no shame and neither did I. In fact, I felt completely at ease in my role, as if it was an accepted part of the life I chose. There was absolutely no rejection of any part of it.

When I recognized the memory it was real to me. I knew I had done this. In fact, it felt like I had been doing it my entire life. Confused and shocked by the memory and how at-ease I was at who I was and what I did, I went into a mild panic searching for answers to this strange and very real memory. Was it a dream? Yeah, it had to be a dream! I am not that woman. I am not a prostitute.

Somehow I settled down, convinced it must have been an OBE or dream I had somehow forgotten. Within moments I recalled another incident. Again, very real. So much so that I had no doubt I was the person in the memory because I felt what she felt and recalled details no dream would offer. In the memory I was with my lover in the midst of love making. The feelings of love were amazing. I have not felt such love with a partner in this lifetime. It was like pure connection – body, mind, spirit. I remember his blue shirt and the bedroom, the tiny twin sized bed, the large window, the curtains all lace with tiny purple flowers, the carpeting. Everything. I remember recognizing that I felt absolutely no shame or guilt in being with him despite being married to another man. I remember him, too, though all I recall now is his smell, the feel of his arms around me and his dark hair.

The moment I had this memory I “woke up” and my vision was filled with hypnagogic imagery. Tiny, honey bees in a geometric pattern that moved from the center outward. There was a sudden shot to my heart coming from the left and a strange vibrating sensation in my entire upper body that emanated from my heart. The feeling in my heart surprised me and a shock of adrenaline coursed through me.

Yet I had not been asleep, had I? Where had I been? Was I in a trance? I don’t remember sleeping. I remember being awake. The memory of being with the man in blue was there but it had happened. I was certain it was real…wasn’t it?

Super confused I lay there contemplating it. What were these memories? Alternate timelines? Lives I lived simultaneously with this one? Projections? Other people’s memories? WTF?! lol

I must have drifted into the in-between because the next thing I recall is feeling someone, a man, touch my forehead right where my third eye is located. He said, “BE” when he touched it. Then he touched my chin and said, “LIVE”. I could see him smiling. He was shiny. Golden. He had a mischievous look in his eyes, too. What he said sounded like “Be-lieve” but at the same time it was also “BE” and “LIVE”.

I came back to myself when I felt a lightening bolt of energy shoot into my heart space from the left. Again I felt the vibrations and saw hypnagogic imagery. Again there was a rush of adrenaline.  I felt a distinct rush of fear, but of what? It didn’t make sense.

I thought, “That’s it. I am getting out of bed.” lol

This song has been in my mind for two days now:

 

 

 

Messages: Protection and the Diamond Light Codes

Feeling less upset this morning and more calm. I had another emotional purging last night, though. It reminds me of last November and December and how at the end of the day or whenever I found myself alone I would encounter intense emotion and it would just pour out of me. The whole process of letting it out is deeply exhausting. It feels like my insides are weeping and my body cannot contain them so they pour out of me. My entire body lurches. It’s like I am vomiting the emotion and the after effects are no different.

My sleep was undisturbed and deep last night. When I awoke I was given messages and I had clarity once again. It is like a calmness descends over me and I understand everything so clearly. There is no upset at what I am going through and no desire to escape it either. It is so odd yet at this moment I see it as a completely normal and expected part of my transformation process.

Dream: Renovating a Mansion

I had bought a new house/mansion (my greatest potential) and my realtor (guide) was showing it to me. It was enormous, much bigger than anything I could afford or would even think suited me. As we walked inside I was blown away by the beauty and majesty of the place. What was most noticeable was the dark, mahogany wood trim and accents. My realtor was advising me on the renovations (new outlook/perspective). He suggested I replace the wood with a white stone tile. I’m not sure what kind it was but when I saw it in my mind it appeared silvery white, seamless and modern. The lighting was also to be changed to silvery chandeliers. I remember not liking the idea of replacing the stone accents and wood. I asked if it was necessary to even renovate. I recall him suggesting it but saying it was my choice.

Then we went outside to survey the property I now owned. A portion of the fence (barriers) had been torn down along with a foot bridge (connection or opportunity lost). The previous owners had done this. There was also a large dog (untrustworthy) watching us. It was huge, like wolf sized and pure grey. I thought I saw a mask over its eyes like a raccoon (deceit) and felt I needed to stay away. I hurried into the house and closed the door before it came in. It was obviously friendly but for some reason I was wary. The realtor said it belonged to the previous owners and was left behind. The last thing I recall of the dream is that my hair was super long (thinking long and carefully before making a decision), all the way past my knees.

Dream: Stuck in the Dark

Short dream of being beside a large body of water with a group of friends. The water (emotion) was being drained via a huge central drain, similar to a pool drain (need to remove obstacles) but larger. Somehow one of the group got sucked down and stuck in the drain. There was discussion on how to get him out. I mainly recall everything being black (unknown, death) because I became the one stuck in the drain. But I was also the one trying to help free the stuck person. From above I was sending down a light to illuminate the darkness. From within I was waiting in the darkness, unable to see and worried I would drown. Somehow I found an air bubble and survived, though. The light was sent down the drain and I saw it descending toward me. It looked like the flame of a candle. Then I was being released from the dark depths but I don’t remember making it to the surface. Instead I found myself on the surface watching a man as he loosened the dirt (attempt to hide something) around the edges of the water causing it to cave in. His intention was to trap the other me under the water. I was able to stop the man and ran across the land mass near the water. When I looked down I saw I was standing on a dirt colored map (life path) of the world, specifically the middle east – Israel (spiritual unrest). Half of the map had crumbled into the water, though (feeling lost, without direction).

Messages

I drifted in and out of the in-between. During this time I recall receiving a message in pieces. First I heard, “The four directions” and then “protection”. I also heard something about a “5th direction”. I was responding to my guidance as a different version of myself, one with great Knowing and understanding of what I have been going through. I can’t recall my specific remarks but the understanding remains even now.

The end of this section of the Equinox Portal is nearing. This section, like the others, has been working on rectifying the False Self. For me this has been experienced via the arising of my “inner demons”, those aspects of self that perpetuate confusion, self-destruction and self-loathing. They reveal themselves via mental circuitry, or repetitive/circular thought patterns, that are triggered via specific life experiences. Ultimately, when observed they reveal limiting and destructive beliefs from this and previous incarnations.

I was reminded not to allow myself to become defeated by this circuitry but to allow and observe it. When experienced it will feel as if it has overtaken me. I will be drawn into the emotion in a very real and tangible way and past memories and incidents will be revealed. The key is to pay attention to what is revealed through it.

Easier said than done.

These moments of emotion are so dark, so agonizing, that I feel they will kill me. They evoke a feeling of powerlessness that is terrifying. It is as if I am experiencing that moment just prior to death when one knows what is coming – death – but can do nothing to stop it. Is this the Ego struggling against its own death? Or is it something else? I am not exactly sure but I have faint memories, memories that seem to run away when I touch upon them, that cause me to question if any of the experience is even mine. It is like I am flushing out an old, useless version of myself. A self that is already dead but whose tendencies and memories remain. It’s such a weird, surreal feeling yet at the same time it feels completely natural.

The protection part of the message concerns me somewhat. I am left wondering if perhaps I am in danger of becoming totally overrun by the darkness. Is someone or something praying upon me? Do I have an entity attached to me? Or is it something else, some larger, dark force? But then I don’t believe the darkness can really hurt me, nor do I feel a need to avoid it as it is part of the experience of duality. I even recognize that I am fascinated by the darkness. Plus, I have never felt a need to protect myself via visualization or prayer. My guidance has always done it for me when needed, if it even is needed (I still doubt this need).

diamonDiamond Light Codes

There was a brief dream of a discussion with a woman who was showing me a diagram that resembled a baseball diamond. I recall it being drawn like a map and feeling it was for assistance and protection. As I woke from this dream I began mentally speaking in light language, drawing a diamond around me with my hands. It was so streamlined and automatic that it surprised me out of the in-between.

As I emerged from the in-between I heard myself saying, “Diamond Light Codes” and then “Sacred geometry”. I was discussing this with someone and saying things about sacred geometry that indicated a thorough knowledge of the subject. Of course, I forgot it all.

A quick search on Google indicates the Diamond Light Codes and Light Body exist, but I do not have the time or desire to read through it all. Sometimes I get tired of hearing these specialized ascension terms from my guidance. It would be nice for it to simple and straightforward. It would also be nice if all the information coming in and made available matched. Beside, in the end, will any of this information and terminology matter anyway? Not likely. It seems more likely that the information is provided because so many of us humans want to know “why” all the time. What if we stopped asking why and just let it Be? We already Know it all anyway. Feel it and allow it. Who cares what it is called or what the process and steps are. This whole journey and questioning all the time is getting old and tiresome. I got a smile from my guidance from that. 🙂

Edit: After I posted this I recalled that the reason for the protection is not that a particular dark entity is looming in the shadows ready to pounce. It is instead that I am extremely open and empathic right now. My heart space is not only open but expanding (solar plexus and sacral are being integrated) and will remain so as part of a new energetic system/Light Body.

I have received this message before but I guess it just didn’t click. I have to learn to live with being in an expansively open state. I can’t bury the emotion or I will get sick. I have to allow it and protect myself from becoming over burdened and worn out. It will effectively “kill” my body, exhausting my adrenal system and overloading my nervous system if I don’t protect myself, care for myself and listen to my body.

This is part of the “holding more Light” we have all been preparing for. We need to be in top shape physically, but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Any of these that we are not meeting the minimum expectations in will be brought to our attention either via messages and dreams or through outright “assault” on that faculty. So, if you are not physically ready, your body will show you. If you are not emotionally ready, your emotions will show you. And so on and so forth. For me it appears my emotional and mental bodies are not quite there yet. Physically I’m doing much better (now anyway). Spiritually, well I guess I’m okay? lol

I remembered all of this information when I stumbled on this post this morning. She says:

Suppressing your emotions is probably one of the worst things you could do. Numbing them by resorting to substances, addictive behaviors or other forms of escapism will not help in the long run either.

It means also finding strength in our emotions. Allowing the flow of energy and information that moves through the emotional channels to act in your favour, rather than otherwise.

That is (at minimum) a 2-part process:

Detoxification – unburdening the body, mind and spirit of accumulated debris

Recalibration – discovering a new way to exist within a rapidly evolving physical and spiritual climate

Over a week ago I was asked to stop smoking and was told, “These destructive tendencies slow down the process. You must love yourself and your body”. I quit without issue (as is my usual). I was asked to never resume the habit. Strangely I have had absolutely no desire to resume it and the typical triggers have been in abundance! I also tossed out all wine on a whim. Down the drain it went. Yesterday I was asked to do a semi-fast/cleanse/detox. I started first thing this morning. So far I have not even been hungry today and all I’ve had is fresh juice from my juicer, mineral water and a bowl of oatmeal with honey.

 

 

 

 

Message: Rising Star

Yesterday was another purging day, though not all day just portions of it. At a particularly bad time I burst into tears because I could not bear it anymore. This purging has been off and on since November, 2016! I am nearing the end of my rope and am trying to find any solution, even 3D ones, so that it will stop.  I can’t talk to my husband about it because he doesn’t understand the ascension process and will likely try to coerce me into his own solution to the problem. And I feel unable to reach out to who I want to reach out to for reasons I won’t go into.

So, I began to think my only option was a mental institution and as much medication as I could get in order to numb myself. This, however, is also not an option. I’ve tried it before and even antidepressants and antipsychotics don’t stop ascension, they just make it worse. It would take a tranquilizer to knock me out and then I would likely have traumatic dreams. Waking, sleeping – neither offers much of a reprieve.

If you have ever been up against a wall with no way out, that is how I felt at that moment. There’s nowhere to run and fighting doesn’t work. The only solution is to surrender. Ha! Tell my Ego that! lol The feeling is indescribable, too. It is not depression, but it is…kinda. Fear? Maybe. It’s too weird a feeling and one I’m not use to.

I finally felt my guidance shift closer and heard, “We will come to you.” With that I was washed in calm and all the upset seemed to trickle slowly into oblivion. The feeling of this is also indescribable. Imagine someone pouring cold water over your head to put out a raging fire. Or better yet, its like the sensation of ice water going down you throat into your stomach. A cool, calm.

Even with the calm there remained that feeling just under the surface. I realize now it’s been there all the time, most of my life I think.

terracotta

Dreams and Message

I requested an uninterrupted sleep last night because I was exhausted most of the day yesterday because I was up every two hours. I did some deep breathing and laid in savasana for a while to try and settle into my heart space the best I could. My third-eye was active as was the back of my head. When the energy is strong in these areas I can feel disconnected from my body, but this didn’t happen. Instead I felt my guidance near and they reminded me that I would receive a visit.

Teacher

The dream began with me entering in a building that was obviously some kind of school. I met up with the other teachers and realized quite quickly that this school was unique. One of the first things I learned was that the hours of the school were from 11am-4pm. The teachers were all selected for their mastery in a certain subject/field and all seemed pleasant and positive when I met them.

I remember sitting at a desk during a “study hour” that I was supervising. The children were all high school aged. One hugged me and it felt very comfortable.

On the second day before school there was an incident. I went to assist because that was part of my job. A father was having an argument with his son over a jelly bean. The son had snatched one and wouldn’t give it back. The dad was making threats and got out a loaded pistol, waving it in his son’s face. Somehow the gun ended up on the ground and the dad was escorted off campus. I recall discussing the incident and being told the parents of the children were struggling to transition and often would have breakdowns over mild issues.

Spiritual Geneticist

After school let out, I overheard a teacher talking to another teacher about her spiritual experiences. She had met someone and fallen in love and had a question about why it was not working out as she would like. The connection was intense and very obviously something beyond normal human experience. They sought the counsel of a “Spiritual Geneticist”. I followed them to the geneticist’s office where she appeared to be solving a page of multiplication problems, all of them “doubles” (8×8, 6×6, etc).

As the teacher told the geneticist her story I was drawn in and they allowed me to join their conversation. The woman described the connection she felt, how it came to be and how there were others involved in the connection, too. In my memory all that remains of this information is seeing the woman in front of me and then it is like a bubble of her memory appears. In it there is another couple and a man, so three others. All of them had a connection but her connection with the man was the one she was asking about.

When I heard about her connection to the man I said, “Is he your twin?” The woman thought about it and the geneticist answered, “No, but they are very close.” With this it appeared that the woman’s love was “deceased”. His energy appeared to be in another location, like across the veil that separated her reality and his. I received information clarifying their connection. In my mind I saw an image of my brother-in-law and heard, “He is related to her like your BIL is related to you. They are all close family.” With this there was an explanation about what a Spiritual Geneticist does. It has to do with studying the energetic link (DNA) between family groups.

I remember hearing her description of part of her experience and the geneticist told her, “You are stopping it.” This was a comment in regards to the energy the woman was feeling and her reaction to it. I saw it building from her root upward and then going to her head and forming a huge cloud around it. I said to them both, “That sounds like me but I’m not stopping it.” The geneticist looked at me and said, “Yes you are. You are afraid of it.” I said, “No I’m not.” I looked at the other woman and reconsidered. I said, “Maybe I am afraid.” The geneticist  explained that when the energy was not stopped (allowed) the woman would be taken Home and reunited with her family. It was explained that the love felt will make the fear and upset inconsequential.

A New Earth

Then I seemed to be transported to another location where a man and a woman were with me. They told me we were creating a new Earth. With this I saw an entire city wiped out. It was as if a a huge silver hand descended and leveled the entire world. It was replaced with a city whose buildings were constructed from the Earth. Everything was a reddish color, like terracotta. I stood at the front door to one of these dwellings. There was a small dish of water where the doorbell would normally be. Before a person entered they dipped their fingers in the dish of water. I delighted at this for some reason and said, “I would make it rose water.”

There was much discussion inside the dwelling but I don’t remember most of it now. Instead I recall seeing faces of all types – male and female, all races and ethnicities. Some are still very vivid in my mind.

This is around the time I became lucid and entered the in-between. I stayed here a while and it was as if I was inundated with information. I can’t recall the specifics but when I finally woke I felt relieved and reassured.

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Messages

So much was passed on to me but most I have forgotten now (as usual). What I do recall was seeing my Companion up close. He put my hand on his face and asked, “What do you see?” When I looked closer his face appeared as energy, swirling and of all colors. It seemed silvery and iridescent but at other times was gold and specked with every color. I could also see right through him if I wanted to. He extended his hand and it also swirled with color. As he touched me my hand and arm it began to swirl with color as well.

Then I had a vision of a piece of black paper with silver writing on it. I saw clearly the words, “Rising star” and with recognition of it all the other words vanished and the words “Rising star” began to ascend from the bottom of my vision to the top. Rather than think of this as meaning I would be a “star” as in famous, I understood it as the ascension process. The message about midheaven was clarified then – I am undergoing a metamorphosis, transformation, complete overhaul of the self.

There was much discussion about family and what I am left with now is an understanding that this family is my star family. Of what origins it doesn’t matter as it feels like we have always been. I was told more than once that I will be reunited with them but I suspect this reunion is not physical but spiritual and via the rising of the Kundalini, i.e. the “vertical alignment” I was told would be occurring.

There was a reminder that I have been clearing up residuals in preparation for this alignment. I agreed to this and it is not yet complete. All I am experiencing is part of the transformation. It is difficult but achievable.

 

Message: Midheaven

So a 48 hour reprieve and I woke in tears again this morning. I wanted to write an extremely short post that said, “I can’t take it anymore. Goodbye.”  But then thought it might be taken the wrong way. Can’t have that, right? This agonizing, torturous whatever-it-is that I and others are going through reminds me of scenes from movies where they are torturing people to get them to confess. First they take off each finger nail, then the fingers, then the whole hand. In between the agony they make you feel like it’s going to be okay, it’s over and you can relax but just when you do they come at you smiling and say, “What’s next? How about we strangle you for a while?” lol

For some reason I am reminded of the film, The Railway Man, and the torture scenes from it. Great movie. For me to remember a movie long after I’ve watched it says something about the movie. For it to come to mind in regards to a spiritual process I am going through must mean there is a message in it. I will have to watch it again.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He left for California until the end of the week. Usually when he is gone my spiritual experiences skyrocket. I should have expected the purging to resume but had hoped for an OOB treat or maybe a visit from the heart bliss. So much for hope.

Dream

I awoke at 4:11am in pain. It felt like an IBS flare up and I had to suffer through the pain for a good 30 minutes to an hour. The pain was sharp and shot diagonally from just below my ribs all the way to the base of my spine. When I got up to use the bathroom my entire uterine area was aching just like it did when I was in labor. The pain was about a 5 out of 10, so manageable, but the discomfort was concerning. I realized that I was experiencing mittelschmerz (ovulation pain) and it was likely contributing to the IBS. FYI – neither IBS or ovulation pain is normal for me and definitely not at the same time!

Cursing my luck, I tried to sleep without much success. The pain in itself was bad enough but I was receiving Knowing/messages about the “meeting” while I was suffering through it. I don’t recall the meeting, but apparently a decision had been reached. I can’t recall specifics but I felt discouraged by it. Prior to sleep I had been asked to consider some options and specified my preferences. The decision appeared not to align with my preferences.

Somehow I fell to sleep while laying on my stomach (also unusual). I entered a vivid dream. In it I was walking along a sidewalk and a woman offered me some clothing for sale. At first I did not want it but reconsidered because I could tell she was “special”. I took the clothing and noticed she was holding two quarters in her hand and rubbing them up against each other. Her caretaker came and took her away. It was obvious she was not mentally stable.

Then I was sitting in the passenger seat of a car talking with a man. I can’t recall what he looked like now but he was dropping me off at a house. I remember noticing the clock and it was 7:12am. I told him, “It’s too early. They don’t let anyone in until 7:30.” He said, “That’s too bad. You’ll just have to wait.” He pulled up to the house behind another car. I knew the car belonged to the female home owner. The feeling from the man was that we were in a relationship but he wanted me to go. He was leaving me. I was upset about this but felt there was nothing I could do. So, I didn’t object or question him and got out of the car. As I walked toward the house he drove away.

I walked inside and the house was dark. I heard the woman ask me if I wanted anything to eat. I said I didn’t and walked toward the back of the house to my bedroom. For some reason it felt like I was going to stay there for a while – for the summer.

Inside the room I closed the door and just stood there a while. I was tired of crying, tired of trying, tired of living as if I were dying all the time. Just tired. The empty void that was my heart seemed to take over my entire body. I was like a zombie, going through the motions of living but completely dead to everyone and everything.

The entire time I was in the house a small child was with me. Sometimes the child seemed like a boy and other times like a girl. The child followed me around jabbering happily, oblivious to my plight. I seemed to exist only for this child and it reminds me very much of how I am in with my own children. If it weren’t for them I am not sure I would be alive now. They are often the only reason I get out of bed.

Also while standing there I was aware that others had arrived at the house. They were all staying there for the summer, like a summer camp. The owner and facilitator was my friend, Yvonne, and she was assigning everyone a job. I could see each “child” wearing a number and going about their assigned duties. I remained hidden in my room, though. All I wore was a nightgown, a long T-shirt.

In the room the child was still jabbering away. I saw the sun coming up through the window and realized I had to come out of my room and at least pretend to play my part. I went to the other end of the room where there were clothes hanging on a rack. I began to pick out clothing and selected a white tank top with an orange button down shirt that went over the top. There was too much clothing on my side (the right side) so I took some and put it on the other side where there were tiny clothes hanging. They appeared to be baby or toddler clothing for a little girl.

When I was dressed I looked at myself from outside myself. I wore blue jean capris that were so long that they looked like highwaters and with them I had on tennis shoes. I looked like a total dork. Normally I would fix the issue but in this case I didn’t care.

When I left my bedroom, child jabbering and following me, I entered the living area. It was dimly lit and there were three people present. I asked “Where is everyone?” I heard Yvonne say to me, “They haven’t arrived yet.” There was this young boy, maybe 12 years old, with dark skin, hair and eyes. He was talking excitedly and moving around a lot like he was hyperactive. He came up to me and mentioned the breakup with my boyfriend. Then he said, “(Unknown name) was talking about you. He said your hand smells.” I received an entire image in my mind from the boy. The person he was talking about was sitting in the back of the school bus and pointing to my right hand and laughing. The boy snickered and I looked at him like, Why do I care? I told him, “Okay. Whatever.” But in my mind I was thinking, “What the hell is that suppose to mean?” Then I realized the boy was implying that I used my right hand to masturbate. lol I got a bit disturbed then but let it go. The person who said it was just trying to make light of my situation.

I remember looking past the living room to the kitchen on the other side. I saw Yvonne in the kitchen and on the other side of the counter was a very long, oval, mahogany conference table. I recall it vividly because it was so out of place.

I sat down in the living room and the man who I thought of as Yvonne’s husband began to talk to me. He didn’t look anything like Yvonne’s husband, though. He was a teacher of higher education and had books stacked around him. He asked me some questions. The first was inquiring about school and my upcoming graduation. I told him, “I don’t need to go to school anymore.” In my mind I saw that school was officially over on May 28th but my reaction to this was upset. I was not looking forward to school being over. I had this feeling like I did in high school. You know the fear feeling of, “What do I do now? I have to go out into the world all alone! I’m terrified and don’t know what to expect. Will I even make it?”

He asked me what I was studying and I said, “Psychology.” He smiled and said he liked the subject and motioned to all his college textbooks laying around him. I said, “I didn’t keep any of my textbooks from college. I might have kept the Psychology one, though.” He asked more questions and I remember saying, “I have to tell you, I’m 40 years old. I don’t need to go to college. I already have two degrees. I graduated a long time ago”. Confessing my age seemed to be a relief to me for some reason, like I had been pretending to be a teenager in school and it was exhausting me.  I recall being asked why I was there. I said, “I’m here to help the children.” I got nothing but acceptance from the man. He and his wife told me I was welcome there as a member of their staff and I could use my knowledge and abilities to help the children.

I woke up in tears and continued to cry for a while after waking. The feeling was that I had completed a section of my journey (graduated). I was devastated, though. It felt like everything was gone; like my hands were empty when they once had been so full. I could not get the tears to stop and the pain from earlier was still present. I had stabbing pain shooting through my midsection, a stuffy nose from crying and a feeling that my entire life was over.

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Midheaven

As I recovered from my upset I heard distinctly, “Midheaven.” I had no clue what it meant except that it is related to the spiritual.

So what is a spiritual midheaven? Apparently it is an astrological term relating to one’s career and the type of work one will do in their lifetime. I guess I am here to “help the children” as a teacher or counselor or……psychologist? Why does this not make me feel good? Shouldn’t it?

I had to review my astrological chart to find my midheaven. Mine is in Scorpio. Just hearing Scorpio makes me shutter. I immediately think of my Dad who was a double Scorpio. Talk about intense and secretive. It took me most of my life to come to terms with my relationship with him.

This is what I found about midheaven in Scorpio:

The willpower is highly developed in the Soul with this posit. Farsighted, often clairvoyant and prophetic the Soul walks a spiritual path of adeptness. In the mundane chart, this can be the posit of true leadership but the spiritual path dictates that power and all of its human ramifications be used to reform and rehabilitate for Scorpionic power which is Plutonic in nature is projected outward to the world. This Soul recognizes its omnipotence but also knows that in the light of Collective essence it is still in its infancy. The human side of the Scorpio Midheaven knows the value of ambition but the spirit understands the basic truth of the human condition. The human side strives for transition but the spirit strives for transformation. Evolving from the Cardinal Air essence of the Libran high ground of intellectuality, the Fixed Water essence of Scorpio knows that self awareness can only come from plunging into the depths of extreme positives and negatives and facilitating change on all levels. They will transverse the muck and mire of the most hidden parts of the psyche in order to understand first their own consciousness and then the Collective Consciousness in order to transmute the suffering of both themselves and others. When the path of spiritual destiny is not being followed, human tendencies to dictate, manipulate and oppress will result in crisis upon crisis leading to alienation and possible illicit activities. ~Source

If this doesn’t make me shake in my boots, then read what this site has to say about it:

This MC can manifest in various ways: to seek depth from social or work experiences; to be called upon to undergo a personal metamorphosis; to assume a potent, transformative position in society. Those with Scorpio on the Midheaven need to assume an authentic role, one of gravitas to face – and shed light on – some of life’s darker issues and taboos; to be aware of the political play at work; to recognize that Scorpio’s natural dependency on others does not have to be a symbiotic sign of weakness, but is, in fact, indicative of a common bond and commitment. The journey is a challenging one: there are issues of crisis and life and death, creativity and destruction, major (no-)turning (back) points, and rebirths after teetering perilously on the edge of self-annihilation. The calling of a Scorpio MC is self-mastery and to emerge as a shrewd player of the game with an awareness of the power of interdependency.

Yeah, it looks like I had it in for myself when I planned this life. WTF!? How many deaths will I have to go through? And I have no idea what my “authentic” role is nor do I want to go through any more crises of life and death or (no-)turning back points.

I suspect the message in hearing “midheaven” was to alert me to the fact that these cycles are normal for me and to expect more. It may also be a warning of what is to come. That feeling in the dream reminiscent of what a high school graduate feels after graduation is reflective of the next stage of my journey. Taking what I’ve learned and going out into the big-wide world all alone.

The dream seems to be a memory of the “meeting” I had with my Council, thus the council table in the middle of the kitchen. It appears that I am tired of pretending to be someone I’m not and that I am going to get to be myself for once. My job of “helping the children” could be literal, as in my own children and children in general. However, it could also be children as in those who are in this stage of development spiritually – children of Earth. Since my career in this lifetime has been centered on education and counseling of children, it could be that I am to continue with that. I have no desire to go back to that career, though. It makes me very tired to even consider it. So, what then? I have no clue and honestly at this point I don’t care. I am too old for this shit.

 

There is no Why, It Just IS

Good morning! Hope you are all feeling well and ready to start your day with a smile. 🙂

No, I didn’t have any amazing OBEs or spiritual experiences last night. I don’t recall having a “meeting” with my Council or traveling to other dimensions. In fact, I really don’t remember much of anything from dreamtime. It was a normal day and a normal night. Nothing spectacular, nothing horrendous.

This does not mean I didn’t notice the bombing in Manchester. My prayers go out to the families affected and the nation as a whole as they try and figure out “why” such horrible acts of terrorism continue to occur in their country and the world as a whole.

The reason I am in a good mood and feeling such relief has to do with a question posed to me as I awoke this morning. A simple question asking me to reflect on the similarities between dreams and waking reality. The questions my guidance asks of me are always simple yet the answers to them quite profound in their effect on me.

What Preceded the Question

When I awoke my thoughts went to a specific situation that continues to haunt me. It follows me throughout the day and often comes up in my dreams. I can’t rid myself of it and can’t figure out why – why certain events happened, why I can’t move past it, why, why, why. In other words, I am stuck in a “why?”.

I am a problem solver by nature. I thrive on solving problems and am good at it. My mind is analytical by nature. I can’t help it – Leo sun, Sag moon and Aquarius rising (I blame the air sign for it, though lol). Therefore, I am at my best when put into situations where there is a problem to resolve. I excel at figuring out the “why” in all situations, my own and others. My favorite is solving other people’s problems, though they don’t always want me to or like it when I do.

So, when I encounter a situation where I can’t answer why it happened I get frustrated. In my mind, there has to be a “why” and if there isn’t then it must be because I am doing something wrong. No answer = my fault or failing. Eventually, when no answer is found I fall into apathy and grief. I accept that I failed, that I must have missed something important and that my grade is a big fat “F”.

When I woke this morning there was a certain clarity that I have often awakened with concerning this particular issue. I felt acceptance and relief momentarily but not before I also recognized that this feeling did not match the unresolved situation. My mind went into overdrive thinking, “Wait. This is wrong. I have to know the “why” and haven’t found it.” Then the feelings of apathy and grief came in but not like usual. They were in the background as if to be noticed but not fully felt.

The Question

That’s when the teachable moment presented itself, though I didn’t realize it at the time. My guidance came through and said, “Think about your dreams.”

The last dream of the evening came to me suddenly and I went through it scene by scene. It was a dream about a party where my husband was suppose to mow (reevaluation is needed) the lawn but disappeared. I went looking for him, walking through very tall grass (reliability) flooded with water (emotion). I walked past a recently watered garden (spiritual/inner growth) that was wilting and mostly dead (neglect) and found him working on the mower (keep up appearances), fixing it. I continued past him.

I never saw the lawn mowed. Instead I jumped to another scene. I had gotten into a car and was driving down a four lane highway through a mountain overpass. I could see the cliffs on either side towering over me, rugged mountains in the distance and the blue sky high above. I remember thinking as I was driving, “Where am I going? Why am I doing this?” The answer I gave myself was, “I don’t know and I don’t care. I am just driving.” Thoughts entered wondering about my husband and family. “What will they think?” I was worried about their reaction. My response was, “It will be okay. I can turn around at any time. There are exits all along the road. There is one just over the hill and one after that.” Note: One of the first things my husband told me this morning was, “I need to mow the lawn this weekend. The grass is getting too tall.” HA!

This entire dream came to mind and I thought nothing of it because it seemed to have nothing to do with anything.

Then my guidance asked me, “Does it mean anything?” I said, “No.” But then I understood. It was like a flood of memory came to me. Perhaps we had been discussing this all night?

The word “meaning” seemed to echo in my mind. Then I had the ah-ha moment. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything? Maybe there is no “why”?

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It Just IS

I didn’t linger in bed very long after that. It was clear to me. When we dream do we spend hours, days, months even, contemplating the dream, wondering about it’s meaning or the “why” of it? No. I might spend a couple of hours at most but then my attention goes elsewhere and I usually forget about it. Yet in this waking reality when we have an experience we can spend years trying to figure out the meaning of it. We get stuck in the “why” of it, assuming it must have a purpose or meaning to us. Sometimes we have an experience and even think it must be telling us that we need to follow a certain path or do something we may not normally do. It must be a “sign”. It must have a “purpose”.

Going back to dreams….say you have one of those dreams where you wake up and you think, “Wow! I need to write that down. That was an awesome dream!” Have you ever had one of those dreams? A dream where you lived an entire lifetime in one night? It is so real, so vivid, and so exhilarating that you might write it down or tell someone about it. But do you talk about it for days or weeks….years after? No. It’s unlikely that you do.

Why? <——hahaha yes I’m asking that.

How are your dreams any different from your waking reality?

They’re not. Your perspective is different. In dreamtime we experience only to experience. In waking life we experience only to experience but the big variable here is that we FORGET we are here to experience for the sake of experience alone. We assign value to everything. There are so many “reasons”, so many “fixations” and Time is created, slowing down the experience. Yet, the reality is that that 8 hour lifetime you dreamed the other day is no different than the 80 year lifetime you are currently experiencing. And when you “wake up” from this 80 year lifetime dream you will think exactly the same way you think when you wake up from the 8 hour dream. You will think, “Wow! That was some dream! I need to write that down!” Then you will move on to another experience with little thought of the previous one. You might have made a decision, though. Most likely it was, “I want to do that again but this time I will do this….” Or you might think, “I’ve had enough of that, let’s try this now.”

It’s like when you ride a roller coaster. Do you contemplate the ride when you get off, trying to figure out some deeper, hidden meaning to it? Not likely (if you do, then I can’t help you). You likely feel high, excited, thrilled from the experience. You might say, “That was awesome! Let’s do it again!” Or if it was a bit too much, you might take a break and avoid that ride. But then you move on and there is barely a thought about it later except to maybe relive the thrill in your memory at a later date.

In the part of my dream where I found myself on the highway in the mountains I went through a question answer session with myself. I wondered “Why?” and the answer was simple: “I don’t know and I don’t care. I am just driving.” This is acceptance of the experience in a nutshell. There was no need to contemplate the “why”. The only result in that would be delay and probably lots of emotional upset. Who needs that? Why not just enjoy the experience of the journey? When it’s all over, that will be all you take with you anyway. The other stuff is just baggage. A distraction. The only question that you should be asking yourself is this: Do I want to do that again? Your answer determines the next experience.

So that brings us to the current experience: What about your life experience do you wish to repeat? What do you wish to not repeat? The answers you get determine your next experience. You answer these questions all the time in your thoughts and actions, you just may not realize it. When you choose to remain in an experience you do not like you are choosing to repeat it whether you realize it consciously or not. There is something about the experience you still find enjoyable, some part of the current “ride” you want to experience again.

Sometimes we have an experience that shakes us to our core. We may not want to return to it just yet. We may need a “break”. I am reminded of an actual roller coaster I got on once. It was one of those wooden ones and my experience was anything but pleasant. It shook so much that it made my insides feel like they were shaken up. When I got off I knew I would never get on that ride again. However, another ride I got on took tons of courage on my part. I believe it was called the Cliffhanger. It was one of those rides that dropped you from 8 stories up. For some reason the thought of the ride freaked me out but I eventually tried it. Afterwards I was so exhilarated from it that I think I got on it four or five more times. I couldn’t get enough.

It just goes to show that what you think an experience is may not be what it turns out to be. You won’t know unless you try it. That wooden roller coaster I got on, the one that shook me up so much, I had been on before when I was younger and it didn’t do that. It was fun. Yet for some reason, 20 years later, it literally hurt to ride it.

We change. Circumstances change. Just because an experience was exhilarating and worthwhile before doesn’t mean it will always be. It just means we have learned the lesson and it’s time to try a new one. For me, I had to literally be in pain to not ride that ride again. Sometimes life is that way, too.

How much “pain” is needed to get you to try the next ride?

I think I am going to kick my guides butts the next time I see them. Did you catch that last part? But they are SO right to ask it. I know that for me the “ride” has to be painful or shake me up for me to decide I am done with it. Sigh. I’m such a glutton for punishment. It reminds me of something a friend told me not long ago. He said something like, “As long as you are comfortable, you won’t leave.” Yep. It has to be uncomfortable. Painful even. Or does it?