Am I Aware?

It is true that every person we meet is an opportunity to see ourselves.

Last night while sitting quietly outside in the dark, my guidance came through. Our exact mental exchange is lost to me now but the final understanding was/is not. I was reminded that everything I’ve felt via the Kundalini is me. Every blissful explosion of the heart, every passionate rising, every automatic asana my body has morphed into of its own accord – all of it is me. Similarly, everything I’ve felt in this experiment we call Life has also been me. 

It can be hard to grok just how powerful we are even to the point that when we are face-to-face with ourselves we cannot accept the truth of our power. The only way we are truly able, then, to see ourselves is through others. They offer us a glimpse only; a spark of memory. 

My guidance reminded me that I know how to Surrender and urged me to return to it, fully opening to what is before me without resistance, without expectation. My questioning led me back to a Knowing that my forgetfulness is a gift, allowing me to remember myself over and over again, brand new in the moment. With each encounter with another I receive memory. It is up to me alone to decide what to do with that memory. 

Perhaps the most profound part of what I was realizing was that I need others to experience myself fully. Without others to reflect to me myself, I am blind. Rather than withdrawing from those who I do not like or feel repelled by, I should pay attention because that reaction in me is a reaction to me. Will I show myself kindness and compassion when I see myself? Or will I flee, avoidant of that which I do not wish to acknowledge?

For a long while I have had this insight that I toss for foolishness. Surely it is not truth, I think to myself. This insight is that I should aspire to love, admire and accept those very aspects about others that repel or disagree with me. In fact, it feels like part of my purpose here; a lesson I am here to learn. And, if I look at the most challenging times in my life, I can always find an instance of rejection on my part of another. I reject that they could be right, I reject their point of view….or I reject their very existence! I struggle most with feeling objection when others seem to seek to impose their expectations upon me but had I looked at my own expectations, I may not have walked away with such resentment but instead would have been left with a calm acceptance of what is regardless of the outcome.

And you know what is the most ironic part of this whole revelation of mine? I believe that being alone in my hermitage is protecting me from the pain and disillusionment of this world. Ha! The fact is, withdrawing from interacting with others, avoiding inviting others into my space and my aura, is in fact limiting my ability to truly Know myself. Pain and disillusionment is just a small portion of the vast emotions and feelings to be felt here. And all those feelings can be linked to me, linked to my acceptance or rejection of myself. 

Ultimately, knowing all of the above doesn’t mean I have to change how I live so much as it means that awareness should at all times be held ahead of experience. Remaining aware of the moment, of myself and others in the moment, and accepting that moment is all that needs be done. The rest will fall into place after that. 

The challenge is to train the human mind to be silent so that incidents from the past or considerations about the future do not impose upon the present. We think we remember so much but the reality is we remember nothing. 

The mind is a trickster. 

Maybe the easiest way to approach each interaction with others is to think of every interaction as a daydream of our own creation that has come to life before us. We are the players of all the roles including director. Where we put our focus becomes our reality, our focus narrowing as we step into a specific role. The idea is not to step into all the shoes of every player but instead to step back and take in the whole set as an observer, unaffected by any one role, standing in admiration of the perfection of the scene before us. But I must not forget how powerful I am. I can play all the roles, or none. I can be observer or not. And I can be all of the above while also being none.

But am I aware of what I am creating? Am I Aware

Repetitive Dream Themes, Heavy Energy, and Anxiety

How have you all been feeling these last few days? It’s been intense, that’s for sure! It seems the healing goes deep and wide, pushing the subconscious limits as well as the physical ones. Below are my observations and experiences.

Dream Theme: Serenaded

Two nights this week I had dreams where I was being serenaded. In the first, I was in an airport going through customs when the lights dimmed and my attention was pulled toward a man in a spotlight singing on a “stage”. He was singing to me about his love and devotion for me. I began to sing along with him and this woke me up. I don’t know who he was but the message was clear. He loved me and would wait for me.

The other dream was a night later. I saw an elderly couple sitting in a loveseat. The woman started singing and the man sang along, harmonizing with her. Her voice was broken but still beautiful. When the man sang it was deep and pure. He had a wonderful voice! When they sang, their message was of waiting for their love and at times it was obvious they meant for me to hear their song. I remember they sang to me, “I will wait for you.” 

Interestingly, I decided to watch What Dreams May Come again. I’ve watched it more times than I can count yet couldn’t remember some of it. The message of the movie was similar to those dreams. That we are loved and those on the Other Side are but a blink away, always there, always waiting. 

Dream Theme: ReUnion

Lately, I’ve had several dreams with a certain person I know from online. He makes an appearance is all, but I recognize him and it is clear in my dreams that I see his face, or his likeness at least. I am also very acutely aware of his energy prior to falling asleep. It feels like he is watching me from a distance. Waiting.

Two nights ago he appeared in a theater with me, sitting in the front row one seat directly in front of me. It was an isle seat and I accidentally touched him on the head. He turned around and said something to me and I saw him clearly, though his face was not in focus. I noticed his nose mostly and paused for a moment in the dream before moving on. 

Then last night we were in the dream together for quite a while, interacting. I remember I told someone, “I want to be with him.” I pointed him out and looked at him from a short distance. He was golden in color and shifty, like I was seeing his energy body. I found him attractive, though it was his energy more than his physical appearance. 

He was in a house with me and others. I think I saw my “twin” there as well, sitting near a wall, observing. The house resembled my childhood home. We were preparing for school. I was putting on clothing and doing my makeup. The energy was anticipatory. A classmate/friend approached me wearing my chosen outfit. It was black and white with a tank top, plunging neckline and flowing skirt. She was dark haired and voluptuous. The outfit showed her cleavage and fit her differently than it did me. I let her wear it and complimented her, choosing instead a white jumper. As the time came for us to depart, I went to the bathroom to freshen up. I looked in the mirror at my face and put on some extra powder around my eyes and smoothed my hair. The vision of myself was fresh and attractive, my eyes glowed. I saw a clock momentarily. It was 9:48 and I knew we had to be there by 10.

The dream goes hazy and then I remember hearing, “We are all in this together.” I woke momentarily but settled back to sleep, entering the in-between where I found myself standing in the middle of what appeared to be a massive library. I was holding a large book. It was tucked under my left arm and so big I could feel it pressing up into my armpit. There were two bookshelves on either side of me that were so tall they disappeared into the sky. Rows up rows of books lined each shelf. Suddenly, all the books exploded, bursting apart at their bindings, becoming dust. 

The exploding books startled me and I woke up. This time I was thinking of what I heard, “We’re all in this together.” It felt like the message and the vision coincided but I couldn’t remember.

Still tired, I dipped back into the in-between momentarily where a blue book opened up in front of me. In a flash I both saw and heard the word, “Kronos.” 

This was the final straw. I couldn’t return to sleep, the messages repeating in my mind along with images from dreamtime. 

We’re all in this together.

Kronos.

Heavy Energy and Anxiety 

Since the end of last week the energy has been heavier. I’m noticing the people around me are affected in different ways. My sister, for example, suddenly wants to talk more, to try and resolve past differences. Specifically, she wants me to help her do this with our mother. She mentioned she is crying more – emotional. My mom has also been more emotional. She was crying on the phone while talking with me, which is unusual for her. Finally, a friend of mine has been reaching out, worried about the future and having upsetting dreams and another online friend has been highly disillusioned. So it is clear the energy is hitting everyone differently, depending on what they need to work on and clear.

For me, personally, I have felt more anxious. I’m not really surprised about it because prior to the energy shift I had a dream when I was selecting sweaters from a dresser as I prepared to go on a trip to Montana. The sweaters were all crop tops and when I put one on I saw myself clearly, my stomach exposed right where the 2nd and 3rd chakras are. When I woke I knew the significance. Sweaters are protection. So while the rest of me is protected, my 2nd and 3rd chakras would be exposed. My understanding of this is that the energy would be specifically focusing on those chakras and to expect the emotions associated with them to be more acute. Thus, anxiety mixed with many other emotions, has been prominent.

After the above dream warning I started to meditate mid-day, around 2pm, for 30 minutes. I’ve experimented with various types of meditations – guided, singing bowls, binaural beats. This decision came with a Knowing that I need to calm my thoughts and sure enough my mind has been in overdrive and difficult to quiet. 

Yesterday was almost toxic energy-wise. I woke up with this near compulsion to make some hasty – rash even – decisions about my life. I felt like taking a school counseling job, quitting my current job, moving house, filing for divorce, and relinquishing my share of the family business. It was a feeling of just “letting it all go” and starting over. It didn’t freak me out. I even considered acting on it, but all this was interrupted and put on hold by a message from my sister.

So, I ended up having a three-way FB conversation with my mom and sister. My sister was freaking out over Covid, vaccination mandates, etc, and wanted to meet up to discuss an emergency plan for when all our rights are taken away. She is acting like the end of the world is near. I felt a pang of anxiety hit me so this exchange seemed to validate what I was feeling and eventually feed it. The exchange ended with me trying to refocus her on her own, on-going emergency. I told her I was not interested in talking about Covid as it could only lead to negative, fear-mongering energy and I wanted no part in it. I ended up triggering her and eventually my mom left the conversation altogether. I think she was getting triggered by my sister. I wasn’t really triggered at all. In fact, I felt good about staying calm despite the huge pit of anxiety in my stomach. 

Most of the morning this anxiety swirled in my lower stomach area, occasionally going to my chest and into my throat. I went on a morning run to get some space and it seemed to help. Later, though, I had to take a walk because just standing at my computer doing work was unbearable. Going outside always helps stave off a full-blown panic attack and I was really, really close to that. OMG I hate the feeling!

The meditation I did later that afternoon was emotional despite only being 10 minutes long. It helped to release the anxiety I had been feeling and I felt much calmer afterward.

Just as I was typing the above I recalled a dream in which I was being given medicine for IBS. The specific symptom mentioned was a shooting pain. The “doctor” told me that my IBS was the direct result of anxiety. He specifically pointed out how I am more anxious than I realize, holding onto high amounts of anxiety to the point that it has become my norm. The next morning I looked up the symptoms and causes of IBS because I had been having some mild recurrent symptoms. Bingo. And again – the second and third chakras come up because these are the chakras connected to IBS.

Add in to all the above the 20th anniversary of 9/11….and I just want to sigh really loudly, breathe and send love out to the world.

So, if you are feeling a lot like this now, take it easy on yourself. Take lots of breaks. Practice deep breathing. Meditate. Feel the weight of your body against the ground/bed/chair and focus on how supported it is – you are. 

Like my guidance said: We are all in this together. The entire world needs to take a deep breath, let out the pent up emotion and release the fear.

Interesting Development

As if yesterday weren’t weird enough (and to end off on this topic of anxiety/fear), my husband and I talked a bit about Covid and the anti versus pro vaxers. He mentioned how a particular coworker’s wife is pressing him to quit because my husband – his boss – is not vaccinated. She is really terrified and putting it on her husband daily. My husband asked me why I chose to get vaccinated. Ultimately, I told him that I felt that even though the vaccine would make no difference to me, it made a huge difference to those around me who truly believed the vaccine would keep them safe. So, ultimately I did it to help lessen their fear, not my own. In the end, it also helps me because I can sense/feel their fear and if I can diminish that fear, then it lessens its impact on me. So win-win. My husband smiled, nodded his head and said, “I think I’m going to get the vaccine.” I asked, “Why?” He said, “So I can make his wife feel better which will make him feel better which will make me feel better.” 

We both agree, anything that will lessen the fear of the world is good because fear is the real virus. 

Kundalini Dream: Touch = Ecstasy

Dreams were crazy full of energy last night and when I woke I felt like I had been drugged.

Dream: Bliss Shower

In the first dream, I was with a friend of mine from the blogging community. We were standing close together, facing each other. I could feel this erotic energy when we touched and though I don’t recall much else, I do think we talked and engaged in a kind of exchange. There is memory of police cars and being outside, but I don’t know if it was connected to this dream or? Eventually we ended up taking a shower together. What is odd is that everything was dark around us except for this plain, tiled shower stall and the water falling from above our heads. It felt like we were trying to wash away impurities but the entire time I could feel this amazing energy between us. If we touched, which we were doing as we “cleaned” each other, an explosion of ecstasy resulted. My friend seemed very serious the whole time, though, and I remember seeing his face more than once staring back at me, his forehead furrowed and his eyes squinting, as if he were questioning me.

When I woke I was a bit shocked by the dream but forgot it quickly because of the pull to return to dreamtime and the amazing, bliss-filled ecstasy of it. I went directly into another dream with similar blissful sensations. This one I recall more details.

Dream: Touch = Ecstasy

The dream began with me being invited by a co-worker (we’ll call him K) to go somewhere with him. He had this huge dog, like Clifford the big red dog, only he was white with a big black spot on his back. I followed the dog to a small car. The dog was bigger than the car yet somehow fit inside. I climbed into the passenger seat and we left. Somewhere along the way we smoked a joint and I remember feeling very relaxed and uninhibited.

We arrived at a house where his friends were. We mingled for a while but I was fascinated by touch and what it was causing me to feel. It was a wonderful, erotic, pleasurable feeling. It just made me feel good! I kept brushing up against K and staying close to him. I remember his friends watching me, snickering like they knew something. I realized that K must also have felt similarly because he was drawn to touch me as much as I was him. We ended up caressing each others faces, arms, hands, etc. There was nothing sexual about it, we were just really friendly and close, laughing and enjoying the feeling of each other.

At one point one of his friends asked me how I was feeling. They suggested that I had smoked something much more potent than pot. I asked them if they knew what and I heard “PCP”. I remember thinking about PCP, wondering if it was bad and then relaxing because I knew it was just another hallucinogen. They kept looking at me like they knew something I didn’t, and though I noticed it, I was too caught up in the bliss to really care.

Eventually I went up to K, brushing up against him purposefully, but this time I took his face in my hands and kissed him on the lips. He looked shocked but did not pull away. I heard his friends snickering and something caused me to feel unsafe around them. So, I took off and ran out the back door. It was snowing outside and I ran into the snow which slowed me down because it went up to my waist. Eventually I fell into it but soon realized it was fake snow made of really tiny, circular pieces of foam. I laughed out loud, letting myself get nearly covered in the snow as I relaxed into it.

I lay in the snow outside a house near a tree for a bit, looking at the sky and feeling carefree and “high”. I noticed the garage door was open. Inside were two women standing under bright lights with white packages around them. One came out to investigate and I hid behind their parked SUV, eventually coming out. One woman spoke with me, asking me if I was going to turn them in. I saw white, round, tire-like plastic containers stuffed with plastic bags. Turns out they had a drug operation and were trying to hide it from me. I remember hearing the police were coming, but I didn’t care. I ended up wading through the fake snow back to the house. Someone was asking me about K. Did you kiss him? I said I had and they were shocked and brought up our age difference. I said, “I’m only 5yrs older than him.” This is a lie. I am 10yrs older. The last thing I saw was the flashing of blue and red lights.

I woke up, the blissful energy still swirling around me, making me feel drunk.

I didn’t want to wake up and lay in bed relishing the lingering energy and accompanying drugged feeling. I actually felt like I had just finished having really, really good sex. LOL 

Interpretation

The first dream was likely an actual encounter with a friend. I wish I could recall more of it, but it is very muted in my memory and there are few details except the shower scene and flashing lights. The shower is about cleansing and since we are in it together, it could be about letting go of shared negative energy and/or shared negative experiences. The flashing lights are “caution”. I’ve seen them in other dreams warning me of things to come. It is hard to say what those things are, though.

The second dream was a continuation of the amazing feeling from the first but with another person I know. I’ve had K dreams with him in the past, so it is not new to me, but the large dog is! Wow! Dogs are protection and fidelity, so perhaps there is a need for protection? The drugged feeling intensifies and I experiment with it more and more as does my friend. I think the laughing friends are likely my guidance or someone in Spirit working with me. The fake snow is interesting and indicates an emotion that is frozen is actually not frozen. The continuation of the “drug” idea seems to point to an indicator that something might be addictive and, again, I see the police lights, which is a warning.

Overall, the second dream suggests that though I may feel like the erotic feelings I’ve had in the past are gone (frozen) and will not return, this is an untruth (fake snow). I need to be cautious (police lights). Someone or something I think harmless may turn out to be much more potent than I realize.

Stop Questioning

The past can teach us so much, if we take the time to listen.

In terms of the world, we all know this to be true. We are taught history as we grow and mature into adults, albeit a biased one depending on where you grow up. If we have good teachers, we are taught to pay attention to past mistakes so that we can avoid making them again in the present and future. Sadly, so many are not taught this, forget they are taught it or ignore what they are taught altogether preferring to be told what to do rather than think for themselves. And even if you are one of those who thinks for themselves, it is easy to get caught up in the present whirlpool of events and be blinded by them. 

The trap is real. It is forged by time and space, humanity and duality. We really do end up stuck in quicksand when we agree to incarnate into this physicality. 

For me, personally, the reality of forgetfulness has been hard to swallow. I knew it to be true in one sense – in that when we descend into this reality was Forget who we Are. I knew it partially in another – that memories fade as we age and ultimately become distorted by the degradation of our mental faculties. It has left me wondering, “How can I avoid making the same mistakes if I cannot trust my own memory?” 

The recent return of an old friend and lover has revealed just how unreliable my human memory is. The more I read through my old journals, the more I realize just how skewed my memory has become. Sure, it has been almost 20 years. I should give myself a break, right? But still, I am not that old yet and I had such certainty when it came to my memories. Yet, I am finding what I recall is very, very lacking and my selective amnesia is to blame.

Throughout our present email communication, I have felt a familiarity and a kind of dejavu sense. Curious, I dove into my journals to read, specifically, the old emails I had kept. What a shocker I was in for! Not only did I forget the emotion and the specifics of the relationship, but I noticed that the me of the past has not changed much in her reactions to life over the last 20 years. It was clear to me that my thoughts created my discontent. My constant looking forward, my constant seeking of “more”, and my feelings of inadequacy and lack drove me into despair time and time again. And, truly, I am such a drama queen!

As if to hit it all home, I had a distinctly synchronistic message come to me ahead of this realization. One morning, before my walk with our dog Monty, my attention was pulled to a cartoon my children were watching, Gravity Falls. If you don’t know about it, you should check it our because it has a lot of deeper meaning to include time travel, alternate realities, inter-dimensional travel and symbolism. In this one particular episode the main characters recognize that they had all been chosen to play specific roles. I saw that they wore symbols and, at the exact moment I was drawn to pay attention, the question mark symbol came into view. It was frozen in my memory. 

Later, as I returned from my walk, I looked down and saw clearly in the asphalt the outline of a perfectly shaped question mark. I paused, knowing it was no coincidence, and time seemed to pause briefly. I wondered what it meant as I turned and saw the stop sign ahead of me. I thought, “Stop questioning.” Hmmm

In putting two and two together, it was clear to me that most, if not all my self-created problems, were the result of my constant questioning. In my early years of awakening, my guides would tell me, “You’re asking the wrong questions.” I had always thought I needed to formulate my questions better, but in this moment I thought, perhaps, the real message was that I needed to stop questioning so as to not be pulled into the inevitable paradox that resulted. The Knowing process is not a mental one anyway, it is a spiritual one. Knowing is not questioning. Knowing is Knowledge that is derived from our Higher Selves, from our Core, from Source. 

And, of course, one of the things I noticed from my journal is that it was FULL of questions. I would ask so many and write the answers. Half or more of the answers I received about my own future never came to pass. So often I would catch myself laughing at my own naivety. My journal was full of examples of the snares I set for myself. It was obvious I was looking for adventure, for something magical and exciting to save me from my boring and very mundane existence. I imbued everything – every experience, every dream, every synchronicity, every thought – with significance and meaning. And then I would fight against that significance and meaning to create a masterpiece of a storyline and keep myself entertained.

The most humbling part of this realization is that I continue to do this to this day. I have shifted somewhat, yes, and matured despite my own self-sabotage, but in general I continue as always, a creature of habit, as we all are. 

But I am human after all.

Ultimately, I recognize that through all of this, the lesson is to learn to embrace the moment, to accept what IS. It is something one must practice daily until it becomes a new habit. It isn’t easy, either. Life has a way of making us forget (as I mentioned earlier). The quicksand will suffocate you if you fight it. Allow and you will remain above the surface. 

All of this goes hand-in-hand with gratitude. If you sit in acceptance of your life you feel nothing but gratitude. That gratitude is instantly lost when you compare the present moment with the past or the future. When one is truly in the present moment, the mind is quiet and you are filled with a presence that swells with gratitude. And if you allow that gratitude to grow by focusing solely upon it, something altogether greater is felt: Bliss.

Stop Questioning. Surrender. Accept. BE.

BEing, surrendering, accepting doesn’t mean you stop living. The moment is fluid and so must you be to remain within it. There is no DOing until the moment brings it into BEing. This is where the practice of Noticing is needed. You Notice an opening as the flow shifts subtly and then, in that moment, either choose to flow with it or continue to observe it. This choice is not made in the mind. It is automatic, made by the Higher Self. Once that moment is gone, it is gone. And that is OK. The Higher Self Knows and chooses in accordance with its purpose. There is no point in questioning that for it just IS. 

And with all the above Knowingness, I realize it was brought to me by a simple request, but one I have made time and time again with spotty results. The request was, “I want to feel the Bliss all the time.” Well, now we know how, don’t we? 

As if to further demonstrate, I had a night full of dreams where all I felt was Bliss. Not the raging, volcanic Kundalini kind of Bliss but the full body, tingling with Love kind. My favorite. It revealed to me my True Self, the one that I often find myself being when I am OOB or in a lucid state. I am pure Joy and wish nothing more than to share it with others, for when I am with others that Joy is amplified. 

Past Forward

An odd theme is presenting itself lately. It seems like past relationships are returning to the present. Usually, this takes place in dreams but it has also seeped into physicality. For example, an ex from years ago has been communicating with me via email for a couple of weeks. I reached out to him first because I read an old email from my journals and wanted to tell him something about what I’d learned from that time. He seemed overjoyed to hear from me and has been emailing me, though intermittently. In the past his emails were very sporadic. He would wait weeks before responding to me and it was very agonizing for the me of almost 20 years ago. Now, I don’t have that issue at all, and his pauses don’t even phase me. I would love to talk like we use to but am feeling like taking my time with this unfolding. What will result, IDK and I don’t have any expectations otherwise.

Similarly, it was not long ago when my “twin” came to mind out of the blue and I felt like he would be contacting me. The reminders began as little hints from the environment like seeing his name here and there or hearing a song from that painful time. Then one night, not long ago, my guides warned me that soon I would be either contacted by him or something similar. It surprised me and then I told my guidance, “I don’t care. I don’t want to talk to him.” 

Then this morning I woke up around 4am from a dream with him in it. When I went back to sleep I had another dream of him.

Dream: Black Mustang

This dream is hard to recall because the second dream overwrote it. 

I remember being around my “twin” in the dream. Mostly, I observed him from a distance. When I recognized him it made an impact and I’m surprised I didn’t become lucid in the dream. I recall seeing another woman with him. She had blonde, almost white hair that came to her shoulders. I never saw her face as her back was to me. 

The next thing I remember is discussing a departure flight time and being outside standing in the snow (frozen emotion) which was very crusty like it had melted and refrozen many times. Parts of it were in drifts so that when you stepped on the surface it would crack and you would fall through to your waist. There was mention of skiing but I don’t think a ski (getting through difficult times) trip was involved. My “twin” said his flight was at 8am and asked me when mine was. I told him, “Not until 1pm.” 

After he left I was sitting alone feeling off and a bit confused. Old emotions were resurfacing and I felt like I had no one to talk to and that no one who could listen would understand. A woman who was concerned and felt motherly asked me what was wrong. I told her, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about him.” It was a bit of a relief to share this but it didn’t make me feel any better. I was reliving that time in my life. The mother figure said, “You should tell him how you feel.” 

Thankfully, the memories of those emotions didn’t get strong enough to wake me. They were muted but there, especially the upset at not being able to stop thinking about him. It made me feel obsessed and I didn’t want to feel that way.

To my surprise, he returned for a visit. I was overjoyed to see him. He came to show me his Mustang convertible (desires, dreams and wishes). I remember it as both a white color and then a black color. It would shift between the two – the one from my memory (white) and the one he was actually driving (black). He invited me into the car and so I crawled into the back seat. I looked up at the roof which was unlike any convertible I’ve been inside. Only a foot wide sliver of the roof was open to the sky. I could see the underside of the roof. It was sparkling as if covered in glitter. I commented that it was like seeing the stars. Like the car, the color of the roof shifted between black and white. 

I awoke from this dream feeling the muted emotions trying to break the surface. My response was to allow some to do so but then I said, “I’m not going to go there again” and stopped the tears. A guide was close and I spoke to her for a bit. I remember saying, “I still love him”, feeling sad and wishing this life would end. My guide asked me if I thought my wish to leave this life might be connected to my lives with him. I replied that it likely did, though I’ve felt that way since before I met him in this lifetime. I reflected on the past lives I’ve recalled with him and how I often ended up dead after he chose to turn his back on me, leave me, abandon me or ignore me. It felt like the pattern was on-going. The only difference in this life is I’m still alive. 

Dream: Bridge of Cars

When I returned to sleep I entered another dream. This time I didn’t see my “twin” but instead was observing a rickety bridge (transition), one of those kind that is made of rope and wood planks. It was high in the air and swinging. On the bridge were several cars (lives of others) attempting to cross. They were stopped in the center because of the swinging of the bridge. I could see an off-shoot that was roped off, an exit or alternate route. It felt very precarious and it seemed like the cars wouldn’t make it.

The next thing I recall is seeing this Asian man crawling on the underside of the bridge towards the exit. He seemed unafraid as he navigated the moving bridge, crawling underneath it by grabbing onto the rotted and sometimes broken planking. I remember he purposefully didn’t look down. He slipped at one point, nearly falling, but didn’t let it phase him. He successfully climbed onto solid ground and then helped the cars pass through. 

I remember talking to my guide while this dream was occurring. There is memory of my guides referring to my “twin” as “your cousin”. This made me pause as I contemplated what that might mean. It likely means we are very, very close soul family (first tier). Then I asked, “What should I do?” The response I got was, “He wants you to do the work.” This answer was given around the time I saw the man crawl up onto solid ground. I don’t know why, but I broke down sobbing and woke up.

Considerations

When I woke I was wondering about what I was told about doing “the work”. I don’t know exactly what it refers to. My own clearing work? If so, I have no idea what that entails. I thought back on that time in my life and reflected a bit on it. Perhaps I am being asked to finish what was started? If so, what does that entail? Am I suppose to contact him? Or am I just suppose to release those emotions and the past? Or are we meant to reconnect and finish this together? And then maybe “the work” just has to do with my purpose here.

It seemed to me like we’ve had many lifetimes where we meet briefly and then move on. I am always blown away by the love and connection. My guess is I become clingy or intense and this is scary to him and he withdraws. I remember thinking that our short encounters are purposeful. We meet to impact each other, to catalyze one another, and then go on our way. 

I thought of the time we met in person for the first time. The desire to hug him and never let go was very strong. It was something I couldn’t control. The Kundalini was always threatening to explode upward and I struggled to push it down, but I succeeded. We both experienced an odd bubble of energy that night that kept us awake. At the time I didn’t know what it was, but I think I do now. That energy was our Higher Selves attempting to merge, to create that telepathic/energetic link. I don’t think I was resisting. I remember being in awe of the energy and not really minding that it kept me awake. It felt like I was three times my normal size! He told me that it bothered him, though, so I suspect he was resisting. Afterward he withdrew a little more every day until, ultimately, he disconnected.

I also recalled how my “twin’s” HS seemed to me. He was always playing around, teasing me and trying to get me to laugh. Our relationship in Spirit is very mischievous and playful. At other times we would just sit or walk together holding hands, our mind’s quiet and our hearts overflowing with love. The part of me that is playful is evident. He brings it out of me. In this lifetime (and others) we both tend to be overly serious, me more than him in this life. Our HS find this amusing and we often tease one another about it. 

The bridge dream appears to be symbolic of the work my “twin” is doing (and me also). We act as bridges, helping others across; Wayshowers. It is clear to me that we did not come into this life to be together romantically and that part of my lesson is to be able to accept friendship with him despite wanting so much more. When I am able to accept the love I have for him without expectation, then the energy between us will flow smoothly and resistance will melt away. 

Honestly, I don’t know how I can feel the kind of love I felt for him and not cling to it. I am able to easily stay disconnected from the sexual bliss/flow, but not the heart bliss/flow. The heart bliss makes me feel like I am Home – Whole – and since I have such Homesickness here, feeling Home is pretty much all I want to feel.

Past Forward

This time of year always seems to bring the past forward to the present for inspection. I suspect it’s astrological and I don’t mind it really, though sometimes it can be painful. It wasn’t long ago that I was reading through my old journals and focusing on past relationships, some romantic and some just friendly. I noticed how my memories of those people and times do not match what I wrote in my journal! So much I forgot and so much I changed – why? I think perhaps we all tweak our stories over time, focusing on the lessons and so losing or altering the “facts”. And maybe altering memories is a kind of coping mechanism, too, to help us feel less “wrong” or put a Band-Aid on the hurt. I most definitely covered up some things. I’m grateful to my journal for showing me the truth. I most definitely wrote details down, even copying and pasting full email conversations! So there’s no denying what that truth was – is.

As for my “twin” experience, I think there is still some healing to do, some love to allow and some forgiveness to give (of myself and him). The less I judge myself and others, the easier it gets to accept the lessons of the past and integrate them into the Now. One thing is for certain, the love never dies no matter how many Band-aids and story edits.

The World is Our Backyard

Yesterday I had an unexpected reaction to a video I was watching about the Ganges River in India. The video was about how a man quit his job to start an incense making business using flower waste from temples. 16% of the pollution in the Ganges comes from this flower waste. As the video came to an end, they showed an image of the river and gave stats on the progress of cleaning it up. 

I don’t remember my exact thought but it was something along the lines of: “Their backyard is my backyard. Our backyard is the world.” With this, I saw in my mind an image of the Ganges free of pollution, without cities crowding it’s banks, respected, honored and tended to by humans. I knew this was the future, though one beyond my lifetime, and I began to cry. I sobbed actually. It was a mixture of sadness and relief. Sadness at humanity’s indifference towards nature and relief that there is hope, that humans can and are changing, albeit slowly. 

I knew that the clean water and air of the future cannot be known to us in the present. We have grown so use to polluted that we would be shocked to smell truly clean, fresh air and clean water. We think we know, but we do not. Thankfully, my grandchildren will know. 

There was a guide close and I could hear her reaching out to me to calm me down and reassure me that all would be okay. I had a thought then about how in all this darkness, if we just keep in our minds a vision of what could be, we can and will create it. To be distracted by the present, by the darkness looming all around, is easy. It is harder to focus on what we want to create in the future and even harder to have faith in the potential of the human race for positive change. 

One of the hardest things for me to accept about this world is how humans treat it. Though I can easily pretend I don’t feel the grief at what I am witnessing and, sadly, am a part of, there are moments such as these where I become very aware of just how deeply I feel for this planet and its inhabitants. My heart aches but at the same time it rejoices. There are so, so many emotions swirling inside me that I struggle to not be overwhelmed, and oftentimes cannot help but be overtaken. I feel so small and insignificant in these moments, unable to exact the enormous change that is needed. I would, if I could, snap my fingers and wipe away all the damage that’s been done to this planet. To stand on the banks of that river and see it pure and magnificent again would bring me such joy, even though, for so long, I thought of places like India as “not my problem”. I see myself and humanity shifting slowly towards embracing every part o the planet as our “backyard”, accepting responsibility for all the neglect and abuse, and stepping up to create a better world.

It is clear to me that this moment in Earth’s history is monumental. It isn’t obvious just yet, but what humanity is going through and doing now is what will lead to a great healing and restoration of this planet and all its inhabitants. The hope and relief I felt at Knowing all is not lost was just what I needed. We are the change we need and we will succeed. 

Kundalini Dream: Come Worship With Us

Prior to bed last night I was feeling a familiar energy. It is as if I am surrounded by a massive group of people but I can’t see any of them. It comes with a subtle pressure, as if I am being “called”. It is hard to put into words but I’ve been feeling this feeling on and off for a couple of weeks now.

I remember thinking it is all in my head and I need to just ignore it. I think, “Maybe I am just a highly functioning Schizophrenic? Maybe all the voices in my head and crazy experiences are just me wishing for something else, something more exciting than this boring, physical existence?” I accept that this is likely true because no one else experiences these things, at least no one I am in physical proximity to. 

I think of something my older sister once said to me about my conversations with “invisible friends”. She said I needed to stop talking to them and live in the “real world” like everyone else. She was harsh and blunt and her words stung. I cried and felt even more crazy then I already did. And still, 20 years later, I hear her words in my head and think, “Maybe she is right?” But then, whenever I try to be part of the “real world”, I feel like I’m dying inside. Inevitably, the voice(s) return and usually in profound ways.

So I guess it isn’t unusual that last night I had a very vivid, semi-lucid dream sequence. This time it came with some very obvious Kundalini.

Dream: Infected

The setting was in a small, room. Two others were with me, a man and a woman. The man mentioned that we would soon experience a sudden transformation that was outside of our control and so we needed to go to a safe space to undergo the transformation. The space was dark and secluded. I recall being told it was another room connected to the main one. It would have no a/c, be similar to a basement, and very hot (intense). I saw what would happen and in my mind it felt like whatever “infection” we all had would turn us into night creatures, like vampires.

The man and woman left, yelling back to me to hurry. I knew I would need to take food so ran to the freezer (something kept frozen or unmoving) and grabbed various items of which I recall ice cream (indulgence) being one. I thought for sure the ice cream would melt as the room would be very hot and stuffy, like a sauna, but I took it anyway. 

Dream: Donkey Friend

When leave I find myself inside a house. There are children and a woman is telling me about a new method of teaching. She takes me with her and we go up stairs but when I walk up, the stairs undulate under my feet and I stumble in surprise. The woman turns and smiles, offering me her hand and we continue.

As we walk she is asking about a mobile home on the property, asking if it has two bedrooms. I say it only has one. The roof is discussed and I assure her it doesn’t leak. 

We go outside and see a bunch of cows (domestic life) milling about. I open a small gate and let them through to the other side of the fence. Then a small donkey (relief of a burden) comes up to me. The woman tells me that it wandered onto the property on its own, as if it knew it was home. The donkey was very friendly and came over to me asking for affection. I snuggle with it and it lays on its belly like a dog.

Kundalini Dream: Worship

Then I am taken to a much larger building, a school. The building is very open inside, like the inside of a cafeteria or gym. The woman tells me about the school and it sounds very nice to me. Curious about what it’s like, I look for an open classroom. I walk down a long hallway that is lined along the left side with doors. I find the last door is unlocked. I open it and a cleaning lady is inside. I ask if I can look around and she says yes. Inside, it reminds me of a music classroom – spacious with tall ceilings. A teacher is inside standing at her desk. She tells me that the students at the school are difficult. I understand and tell her I’ve worked at a school like that and know the kinds she speaks of. I tell her I am not interested in working at another school like that.

I end up back in the large, open room I started in, but this time it is full of people. The atmosphere is attractive to me. Something about it makes me feel very open and relaxed. A woman to my right looks over at me and tells me about the work there, inviting me to be a part of what they do. It feels not only like a school but also a church. The teachers are also students and everyone comes to worship. I think it must be one of those private schools hosted by a church, at least that is what it feels like. 

The invitation has me thinking of what it would mean to work/study/worship there. It is located north of where I currently live in a town I know well. The pay is almost nothing and I go over the amount of income my family will lose if I work there. The woman smiles at me and specifically asks me to teach an art class. I realize I must be talking to either a principal or assistant principal. I ponder her question and am taken away from the scene.

Somehow I find myself in Costa Rica. I am on a road I traveled on while I was there. Recognizing where I am and that I’m dreaming, I am filled with this amazingly free feeling. A voice asks me how I feel and I say, “Free!” I begin to move forward quickly, running towards the beach. I stop at the water’s edge and turn around. In front of me I see a white machine, like a printer, that is throwing out transparent film in long sheets. The sheets remind me of laminating sheets. The voice is telling me that I can put whatever I want to on the sheets. I imagine the sheets filled with moving images like a movie. One sheet separates from the others and ascends until it stands vertically in front me. It is the same height as I am. It shifts until it becomes a single beam of golden yellow light. The voice says to me, “Life is vertical.” 

I return to the previous scene. The group around me closes in to the point that our shoulders easily touch. The energy in the air is electric. The people are all swaying as if dancing and singing a familiar hymnal. I join them in dancing and singing. When I look around me they are smiling, their eyes inviting me to join them. I see the woman I just spoke with staring at me from across the room. I see another woman who appears to not have a shirt on, her back to me. 

The group’s attention shifts to a man who is apparently one of the leaders. The man is older, maybe mid-fifties, with gray hair and a thin build. He has in his hand a violin (peace and harmony) and begins to play it as he floats up into the air. He plays the instrument like a guitarist in a rock band. His performance is unreal and I stare at him. He stares back and I feel his interest and invitation. It pulls me towards him so I shift my gaze. I lock eyes with the woman I previously spoke with. She is giving me the same look as the man. 

My focus shifts to the people around me and the rhythmic flow of our bodies. The electric energy is amazing and I feel so free and alive. I remember thinking, “I want to stay here” as I am amazed to feel finally to have found others like myself and be part of a group that will accept me completely, as I am. 

I see the woman I saw earlier, the one without a shirt. She is to my left. Her bare breasts are visible. She has painted something over her nipples, something blue. We touch one another and my vision blacks out as I feel into the energy of our connection and the connection of everyone with us. We feel to all be one. With this oneness I hear the woman’s voice again. She is saying, “Come and worship with us.” 

When my vision returns I not only hear her invitation, but I feel it. I want nothing more than to continue feeling it. Forever. 

A random man who is completely naked, stands in front of the group. He points at his nether regions to a section that would be about where a woman’s ovaries would be. He says, “Help me create life”. I see two dark spots appear, like moles on his skin, where the ovaries would be. Visuals of pregnancy come to mind. Strangely, desire rises within me along with the feeling of wanting to “make babies”. I think, “I don’t want to have anymore babies!” The voice tells me that what I’m feeling is “potential”. 

Then the man who had been dancing and playing the violin is suddenly right in front of me. I see him close up. He is old, his pale face etched with deep lines and his eyes feel to pierce my soul. I find him irresistibly attractive and accept his invitation. I reach toward the man and passionately kiss him. I feel it all very acutely. We kiss for what seems like a very long time, our tongues merging, then our mouths merging, and finally our bodies merging. My root chakra lights up and swirls around, growing in intensity, the energy pushing upward into my second chakra. There it sits and swirls, intensifying until it wakes me up.

Pin on Ecclesiastes

The In-Between

Despite waking, I am still immersed in the energy from the dream. Again, I hear the voice, inviting me to join, but this time I hear, “We have been waiting for you.” 

I linger in the in-between for some time, the energy in my second chakra slowly moving upward into my third chakra. The energy is warm and lulls me back into the in-between every time I begin to come out of my reverie. It is a wonderful, warm, blissful feeling that eventually encompasses my entire body. 

While in the in-between I am given two Biblical references, both from the book of Ecclesiastes – 4:11 and 9:11. I can’t recall which was given to me first, but it likely doesn’t matter. 

4:11

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?

9:11

I have seen something else under the sun:
The race is not to the swift
    or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
    or wealth to the brilliant
    or favor to the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all.

Then I have a vision of an erupting volcano. A mass of people is gathered at it’s base, worshipping it, sacrificing to it. I recognize that religion stems from such worship but not of “God” as men have made him out to be, but of Life. I recognize the volcano as a symbol of the Kundalini. I see in the Kundalini, Life (Aliveness), and know I am imbued with that Life.

It is clear to me that the church/school in my dream is a place of worship and that the entire dream is asking me to worship – to partake in – Life. I am invited to teach art. I am invited to create. I am invited to embrace desire (potential); to be Free. 

Considerations

Initially I was surprised at how easily I embraced the invitation in the dream. Everything around me was super erotic and sexual – the energy, the people, the visuals, the dancing. An outsider would have assumed it was a giant orgy! But the sense of oneness, the rhythm of the group, felt comfortable and familiar. I have felt pieces of it in other dreams and experiences leading up to this one, but nothing like this. I especially enjoyed that feeling in the end – the desire/potential feeling. It felt like if I just surrendered to that feeling, a “Big Bang” would occur and a Universe would be formed. lol

I find it especially curious how I often get Biblical references from my Team of guides. The book of Ecclesiastes has never come up before. Though I use to study the bible as a child, it was merely in Sunday school and often forced upon me, so I recall very little. For example, I had to memorize the books of the old and new testaments, the psalms (ugh) and other scriptures like John 3:16. It seems, though, that this particular chapter is about learning to live “under the Sun” (embracing the Light/God) rather than in fear of the Light/God. I also saw the chapter 4 referred to as “lessons from the teacher”.

These two verses in particular talk about the power of togetherness and the fact that all humans experience “time and chance” regardless of their situation (we are all equal in the eyes of God). I just recently had a very humbling dream about how we are all equal, no one is better than another, so am not surprised to be receiving more on that topic. This dream is also reminding me that I need others and we are all One, another common theme.

Overall, the dream feels like a giant invitation. I accept! We’ll see what comes of it, if anything.

Ser-Vive!

Another memorable dream.

Dream: Ser-Vive!

The beginning of the dream is hazy. I remember traveling in the mountains. There was lots of snow and many pauses along the way. My husband and children were with me but they were always in my peripheral. My husband was occasionally within view but blurry. What I do recall of his looks does not match my husband in this lifetime. Instead of fair hair and eyes, the man I saw had dark, almost black hair, pale skin and a sinewy build. 

As we traveled there was discussion that seemed to go on in the background. As I recall it now, it is clear that I was conversing with my guidance and the dream morphed from that conversation. Only bits and pieces of info remain along with the accompanying visuals. 

I remember recognizing the “four elements” and seeing them appear as colors in my visual field alongside the dream scenario that was playing out. For example, brown was Earth and red/orange was Fire. In my dream, I sat selecting colors to form a rainbow and was especially seeking the Air and Water elements. For some reason, I selected green because I noticed it was missing in the rainbow. I selected it to represent Water while blue represented Air and put a beautiful orange and yellow alongside the red recognizing their combination to create Fire.

At one point I was standing outside in the snow with a mother and her daughter. She was taking photographs but the image was not clear. It was so cold that the ice crystals were suspended in the air. At the time I was traveling with my husband to our destination, climbing into a large, black truck or SUV. I recall a voice whispering to me, our discussion in the background of the dream moving me along the path of my dream experience. The destination was stressed as important. It felt almost as if I were reading an epic fantasy novel where the protagonist was being ushered towards their purpose by supporting characters. 

The destination turned out to be a cave located somewhere in the mountains. When we entered the cave, a mystic was waiting for us. I don’t know the mystic’s gender as it shifted constantly as did his/her face. The mystic was hunched over, held a staff in hand and wore a brown cloak. The mystic said, “It’s about time.” 

On the floor in front of the mystic was a man laying face down and splayed out as if he had fallen from a great height. Was he dead? No. It was clear that he represented the future and I knew somehow that the man that was with me would become the man on the floor but not yet. We were in the place of no-time – somewhere between the past and the future but not in the present.

The mystic spoke to my “husband” asking him if he knew why he was there. I don’t remember the conversation but it was positive. My husband seemed to know exactly why he was there. He had a purpose to fulfill and a destination to reach. The mystic nodded, pleased at the response he received.

Then my husband shifted from beside me to the floor. I don’t recall seeing him after that.

Next, the mystic asked me the same questions. I don’t recall my answer, just that I felt undecided how to answer. What was the right answer? Would I say the wrong thing? Unlike my “husband” my purpose was not clear to me. I didn’t feel to have a destination at all, actually.

Sadly, much of what we said is lost to my memory now, which is likely how it is suppose to be. What I remember happening was that the Mystic told me my purpose was to “survive”. I didn’t like hearing this. What do you mean, survive? That seems so pointless. 

The mystic said to me, “I have a letter for you.” I could see the letter as the mystic pulled it out. I don’t know what words were said here but the letter felt to be one written between myself and my husband, though I don’t know if I wrote to him or him to me. It felt like I was being offered this letter. I wanted to read it but for some reason I didn’t take the letter. Instead, my mind drifted as I thought of how pointless my life felt. 

There was a long pause. I remember saying, “Why did I go back to him (my “husband” in the dream)?” I am thinking this man was my ex in this life, but he most obviously isn’t! Yet I Know I return to him over and over again, his destination becoming my own for a while. Why?

I soon realized I had shifted into my mind, caught up in the questions I had about my “husband”.

Eventually, it became clear that the mystic had turned away from me focusing elsewhere. I didn’t want that so I questioned the mystic. The mystic said, “You don’t want to stay”. At the time it felt like the mystic meant I didn’t want to stay there in that cave and wanted to leave. In hindsight I believe what the mystic meant was I did not want to stay in this life and fulfill my purpose so then there was no point in continuing our discussion.

Concerned, I told the mystic I did want to continue and so the mystic turned back toward me. 

What I recall next is a mixture of thoughts and visuals. I do not know what was said first, or last. The progression is lost and I believe this to be the result of being in the Now where all is experienced at the same time.

I recall being asked how I serve others. My answer was that I use my Voice – I tell them what they need to hear. There was a strong pulling sensation in my throat when I said this, like knowledge was moving into my throat and out of my mouth.

The word “survive” came up again but this time along with the word “service”. My mind went to certain ideas that have been coming to me recently, ideas about volunteering, helping others, and just generally being of service however I can. Yet, I have no idea how to go about this and so just push it out of my mind because no one is asking me for my help. I feel I must be invited, but invitations don’t come very often. This left me with a feeling of failure, even more so now that I was being reminded that service is why I am here. 

Then I recalled a vision I had long ago when my gifts first materialized. In it I was standing in a mist between heaven and earth (or at least two places), assisting those on one side to get to the other. I was also reminded of how I brought my “husband” to the cave where he continued on to his final destination. Thus, I saw myself as a kind of escort, taking people from one point to another. I took people to their destinations (purpose), but I had no “destination” of my own, not really. I just moved back and forth over and over again.

For some reason, learning this made me extremely sad. How awful to not have a destination except that of the person I am currently helping! What of my own destination!!?

The word service was repeated and the scene shifted.

I was now standing with my mother who was beside a bed with a pile of luggage. She was going on a trip and had all her belongings packed. She stood with a small bag in her hands. Inside were many cassette tapes. She was smiling as she looked down at them. She told me they were recorded songs given to her by her husband to keep her company on her long journey. I knew she was preparing to leave and said, “I have some great songs you could take with you. Would you like them?” She seemed undecided. I remember mentioning one song. If she could just take one, I think she would like it. My mom agreed but then I remembered and said, “Oh, I left it at home.” In my mind I saw a CD case full of CD’s stored under my bed. 

Then, I woke up.

Considerations

As I awoke I knew the scene with my mother was an example of my purpose. It confused me, though. The symbolism of my mom with her packed luggage seems to point to her exiting this life, her luggage full of memories. I knew in the dream that she was leaving soon and that everyone leaves this place eventually. Then, so must I, correct? We all eventually die, our destination being Home, correct?

Then my guidance reminded me that I volunteered to be here. I am a volunteer. Maybe my Home (destination) is different?

This is when the word “Wayshower” came to my mind. Is that what I am? Is that what the vision meant? I’m escorting people their destinations? I pause and think, “Not that again (Wayshower, volunteer, guide, etc).” lol

The Ferryman comes to mind but then that doesn’t fit exactly, just the going back and forth, over and over again. Sigh.
So, then, my Home is not the same Home my mom is returning to? Or is it?

I don’t understand. 

Not long after I wake the word “service” pops in my head again. I accept it. “Fine”, I think, what else can I do? And then I wonder about being told “survive” and I see the word survive another way – Ser-Vive. Vive is French for “Live!”. So I am being told my purpose is to, “Sur-Vive = Serve Life”. 

I’m so not feeling it. lol

Lucid Dream: Woman in Black

Prior to bed last night I felt a presence in front of me. When I acknowledged “him” I heard, “Are you ready?” I replied, “Yes.” The presence faded a bit and then was hardly noticeable. 

Lucid Dream: Woman in Black

The dream began inside a small cabin with only one room (similar to a recent OBE). The room had a bathroom/changing room and a couple of small windows draped with tulle-like, colored fabric and there was fabric in other areas as well, all pastel colors. There was an older lady in the room with me talking about performing a musical involving singing and dancing. I remember commenting that it was not difficult and demonstrated a few dance moves that resembled ballet. 

Eventually, I excused myself to the bathroom and while inside relieved myself in such a way as it brought on full lucidity in my dream. This is when it was obvious to me that I was accompanied by someone, a voice without form or gender.

When I exited the bathroom I seemed to be seeking something or someone. The voice came with me, always a bit behind or to the side and just out of view. 

Instead of finding myself inside the cabin (success on one’s own), I was standing on a porch (new opportunity) looking upon a mountain scene filled with tall pine trees. Ahead of me was a rocky, overgrown road. As I stepped off the porch (which I never saw but just assumed was there), I knew it was raining and mentally said, “I will feel the rain.” Sure enough, I could feel the cool rain (emotion) as it hit my skin and felt it running down my arms and legs. Beneath my feet I felt the cool, round stones (obstacles) of the road. Feeling it all so acutely and seeing everything so clearly, I became delighted and ran along the road down the hill. I told my companion, “The rocks don’t hurt my feet.”

For some reason I believed myself to have entered the past and was curious about what I would find ahead of me. There was a sense of direction, like I knew where I was and where I was going. For example, I knew ahead of me, at the bottom of the hill, I would find a much bigger road, and I did. The road was much smaller than I recalled, though, and this is when I realized I was floating just above the tree line. Looking down at the road, hidden by the trees, I flew down to its edge and thought at first it was paved but soon recognized the dirt was just well packed from all the traffic. The road was very narrow, as if for foot traffic and carts. 

I heard the familiar noise of a car engine and soon saw a small, rounded vehicle coming towards me. I hid behind the trees and watched in surprise as it parked. I thought, “How are there cars here in the past?” I stayed hidden as I watched a large man exit the tiny car. I worried he would see me, and he did, but he only glanced at me and then went on his way. I saw other cars parked nearby and eventually my curiosity pulled me out of hiding.

What I saw next reminded me of a small, seaside village. There were rows of tiny, identical, brightly colored houses lining the beaches and a small harbor. I wondered why the houses were such bright colors and was told that was all that was available. I accepted this answer. The scene was so vivid and colorful that I stopped briefly to take it all in. Eventually, I felt pulled to keep looking for whatever I was looking for, and so moved on.

There was a shift and I entered a warehouse (stored energy/hidden resources). It was quite open and clean with light gray floor, walls and ceiling. There was a woman holding a very tall, black, metal object that resembled a square post. She was inserting it into this machine, holding it steady as she fed it vertically down into it. Watching her, it soon became clear that she was inserting a massive key into a kind of lock. The metal object had various cutouts on it that the lock adjusted to and I heard the lock click as it unlocked. 

From this point, I went deeper into the warehouse, still looking. In another room I encountered a group of workers, all men. Their supervisor whispered to them to stop working and keep an eye on me. He said something like, “Watch that woman…” What he said indicated that he wanted to make sure I was safe, worried that I may get hurt by the machinery. 

I went into another room. A man was sitting in his station where he was operating some other kind of machine. The room was very long and composed of many isles similar to a bowling ally. 

Recognizing what I was seeking was not there, I turned and left.

When I exited, the scene shifted and I was again outside in the middle of a town with hard, packed dirt roads lined with modern buildings. In front of me was a very nice building with tall, glass entry doors and arched pillars. Its color was a very light tan and its texture was smooth and without seams. There was a sign out front with big, black letters that read: CORE. The letter C was a crescent moon (feminine energy). 

For some reason, I didn’t recognize the word as CORE but instead as a church. I knew this was the place I was looking for and immediately started to run towards it at a full sprint. I don’t know why.

This is when the invisible presence next to me became visible. A woman wearing a black, Victorian style, full-length, lace gown, sprinted in front of me and went through the glass doors before I could get to them. She was completely black from head to toe! A black cat trailed behind her.

Shocked, I ran faster, trying to catch up.

When I burst through the double glass doors the woman was standing there facing me. She was waiting for me, her cat sitting at her feet. I remember Knowing she was there for me, and she was who I had been seeking, but before I could speak to her she vanished into thin air, leaving her cat behind. I remember saying, “Of course!” with a Knowing that she would do just that.

I stood there for a bit, shocked at what had just happened and communicating with the voice. There was encouragement. I was being asked to stay. My response was that it was all too much. I felt overwhelmed but also confused. The whole lucid experience to that point and the many signs and symbols began to pull me away from the scene. I felt my energy returning to my body slowly, flowing like water. The sensation was familiar and calming.

Understanding

When I woke I recognized the lock and key as symbolic of a door being opened and the woman as being my shadow aspect, a part of me yet unknown and perhaps holding secrets that were to be revealed. The cat at her feet and the crescent moon are both symbolic of the feminine. The word CORE is another clue: core wound, core Self, core of the problem. 

As I lingered in bed, trying to stay awake so that I could recall the entirety of the experience, I inevitably entered the in-between where I had another dream that I can’t recall now. There were visions intermixed with discussions, also.

In one vision I saw a snake very clearly. It was moving, slithering, and then it vanished as I exited the vision. I recognized its significance as I recalled a physical snake encounter I had just two days ago on my morning walk. Snake = Kundalini = transformation.

I recalled a conversation with my guidance, from when I’m not sure, but I know it happened. In it, I was reminded of the year 2015. That spring I made some major gains. The Kundalini was burning through blocks and I felt the best I have in this life. I was certain, filled with Knowing and calm. My days were filled with unexpected surges of joy. Joy for just Being. A child-like joy that would rush through me and make me want to giggle and hug and kiss whoever was closest to me.

That year I met a twin flame/heart connection that further catalyzed the energy and the Kundalini was volcanic and explosive, filling my ears with a roaring sound and paralyzing me with ecstasy. 

In this conversation I was asked to compare what I am experiencing now to then. The surges of joy have returned, that is for certain. I just overflow with joy, love and gratitude. My mind is calm and quiet. I feel content with just Being. The Kundalini is much quieter than it was back then, though. The energy is much more calm and blissful but there is still a hint of an untamed desire that ebbs and flows underneath it all. When I feel that desire, I initially want it to grow, but then disengage completely.

I am again asked why I resist. I say, “I’m not”. I hear back, “You ARE.” lol And I eventually agree: I am. The reason being that anything that feels that good has to be bad. In this physical, dualistic reality, something that good screams, “Caution. Turn back.” 

And so a conversation I’ve had more times than I can count begins, again, but I will leave it at that. It is clear, though, that the woman in black is me and she is beckoning me to follow her and face her full-on. Maybe her disappearing is symbolic of an untruth? Perhaps she was trying to tell me there is nothing about myself that is ever truly hidden? Those things which feel BIG and scary are neither.

A song is going through my head the entire time: “My head and my heart…..” The conversation shifts to questions regarding following my heart and silencing my mind. What if I followed my heart? What if I followed that feeling? Why not? My head is what tells me what I feel is “bad”. My head is what tells me what I feel is “illogical”. And the more I think about what I feel, the more justified I am in ignoring it. When angels tell me “run” and monsters call it “love”.

Running from Amour

Are you running from something? 

I awoke this morning from a strange dream and even stranger sensation that swept over me. I realized quickly I was conversing with someone. Our talk convinced me that I am running. Sprinting even.

Dream – Hungry

I only recall the tail-end of the dream. My memory begins on a dirt road in the woods where I stop as I witness someone fall. There is a bridge made of heavy metal and somehow the bridge lifts up, like a drawbridge. A person with a cart falls down into the creek below.

I run to help search for the person. It feels like I was traveling with the person. As I climb down into the creek bed I can’t remember if I find them or not because the dream gets hazy.

The next thing I recall is climbing down large boulders and rocks towards the edge of the ocean. I can see people in military uniform swimming in the ocean. I question one of them and he says, “These are our orders.” I think it odd that they have been ordered to swim and look out across the water for evidence of this. Sure enough, I see other men in uniform swimming in the ocean. They seem to be having a good time, too. A group of them is lingering around a massive, concrete footing for a bridge that is no longer present. Perhaps it fell into the ocean long ago? What strikes me as odd is that these men are shining with a silver light and when I look closer (they are far away) I make out what looks like shiny, silver scales along their backs like they are wearing some kind of armor. Note: I wrote the word “amour” instead of armor and I do not think this is coincidence. You’ll see why.

One of the men in uniform comes swimming close by and tosses a tray of food onto the shore. A young, blonde girl sitting nearby kicks the tray of food away in rejection. I grab the tray before it falls into the water and scold her saying, “Don’t do that. Someone might want to eat that even if you do not.” I took the tray of food and offered it to another child who was also sitting on the shore.

I climb up toward the young, blonde girl who rejected the food. I see my sister near her, sitting quietly on a rock looking out to sea.  I sit down next to the blonde girl and we talk for a bit. The girl says very little when I ask her why she kicked the food. She seems to not be there wholly. Then there is a whole section of the dream that seems to come into my mind like a vision. It feels to be part of a conversation and distracts me from the young girl momentarily.

The vision shows my sister and my mother as one person, their faces blurring from one to the other and morphing as I try to focus. There is a Knowing that one or both of them is dead and I am being allowed to know this ahead of time. I wonder aloud, “Is this the last time I see them?” There is a sense of loss that comes with this and a feeling that time is slipping away and if I do not pay attention, my time with my mom/sister will be gone. Focusing on the shifting face of my mom/sister there is regret and a sense of lost time. It is similar to how one feels when they grow older and suddenly realize their children have grown up and they can’t figure out what happened to all the time they thought they had.

With this momentary sadness comes a thought-flow that I think belongs to my sister. Do I somehow telepathically connect with her? IDK but the thoughts would be along the lines of what she may be thinking now. She is worrying about her son, wondering how they will get him to school every day with a vehicle that is unreliable and no permanent place to sit their RV. She is wondering if she will have to have her son stay with someone. She is wondering if anyone will help her.

My attention suddenly shifts back to the young girl I am sitting with and the issue at hand: her rejection of the food. I recognize that she is hungry and say to her, “You are grumpy because you haven’t eaten. You should get something to eat.” There is recognition that she is like me (she IS me). 

Explanation: As a little child I experienced something unique when it came to hunger. When I got hungry I wouldn’t recognize it as hunger. I would get so hungry I’d get grumpy and irrational, pushing food away, feeling sick at the sight of food, and refusing to eat. Only when I was forced to take a bite would I realize I was starving and then I would devour the food quickly and with relief.

In the dream I was explaining this to the little girl, trying to convince her that how she was feeling was the direct result of her hunger.

For some reason my attention is once again pulled away as if I am conversing with someone behind the scenes of the dream. This time, I shift into a dream scene where I am staring at text on a computer screen – a blog post. I decide I want to take a post I’d written and combine it with another. I begin to copy the text, right clicking on my mouse and moving down the screen from the first word to the last. As I do this I feel this amazing feeling sweep over my body, as if the mouse is highlighting my energy body instead of the text. The feeling produces a strong attraction, like a magnetic pull. It was so sublime I pause and sink into the feeling of it. It is marvelous!

Conversation

The feeling pulls me out of my reverie and the dream fades as I acknowledge that I’m not alone. My heart lights up momentarily with the recognition of who I’m communicating with. The feeling lingers but lessens, the energy swirling about, ebbing and flowing as if conscious. It feels very much like someone is dancing with me but at a distance. My heart sparks briefly but I pull away. 

I attempt to dismiss what I Know is happening and focus on my dreams. I recognize that the little girl in the dream is me and I know immediately that my “hunger” is causing me to reject the very nourishment I need. 

The amazing magnetic energy returns and swirls around me, lighting up my heart. A voice asks, “Do you feel that?” I reply that I do. I wonder (or maybe I am asked) why I pull away. I realize with great clarity that I am running away from it. I reply, “I’m scared.” 

The energy I am “dancing” with feels to be teasing me. It comes closer and then withdraws. I reach for it and it pulls away. It is not long before I recognize that it is not pulling away, I am. 

I am asked, “Why?” I don’t recall my exact answer but when I think on it now, the answer is that the feeling is so BIG, so amazingly and perfectly matched to me, that I can’t believe it is real. It must be a trap. It has to be a trap. It has to be “bad”, right? Yet when I feel it, I am so drawn to it that all I want to do is let it consume me completely; be one with it. 

With this I experience a brief vision and energetic sensation. In the vision I see someone put their hand into my stomach area, just above my right hipbone. I resist. The hand withdraws and a hole is visible. It is clear that what I am experiencing and seeing is healing and I acquiesce. The hand reaches in and pulls out a cord or energy. Something releases. I feel a twinge of discomfort when this occurs. Afterward the energy is noticeable in the area and as I continue to talk to this Other, the energy moves upward, ever so slowly, towards my heart.

From this point on there is a definite recognition of the Other and we continue to communicate. I remember discussing what could be – a walk in the woods, a quiet evening, just BEing together. It all feels and sounds wonderful and I agree to stop resisting. However, it seems I am not in control of that as the resistance remains. There is Knowing that I must be patient as this is a process that cannot be rushed. I feel patience from the Other along with willingness and an acceptance of what Is. 

Amour

Back to the “coincidence” mentioned above. I believe that armor in my dream is relevant here in that I wear quite a bit of it to protect myself from potential hurt. So, in writing “amour” instead of “armor” I am being told that love (amour) is the only thing that can penetrate that armor. 

This goes further in that before bed last night I was feeling drawn to a images of castles in a show I was watching. There was a very Arabian feel to the show and the images in it. It felt almost as if I was returning to my past, and when that thought crossed my mind I felt that, in one or more of my past lives, I’d had a great love, one that trumps all other love. And momentarily, I felt a rush to my heart but pushed it away because….well it scares me for some reason. 

And it feels to me the reason for my pushing this love away stems from a deep wound which was made fresh by an experience in this life that reminded me of the very real pain that comes from losing love. So the overall message is that I am “running from amour”. It sounds ridiculous and it is, but then fear is a very real thing and fear of losing a love like that, well, I can completely relate.

There is also a movie named Amour. Whether it is a movie I should watch, IDK, but I might. It seems like the kind of movie I would like.