Message: Bifurcate & OBE: I’m Gonna Fly Today

Dream: Discontent

This dream began in a large auditorium where there were many “acts” being performed right next to one another. I went from act to act taking pictures. Mostly I recall seeing my mother performing and conducting her choir. I made sure to take lots of pictures of her.

As the acts were packing up to leave I watched and seemed to be part of one of the groups that had performed. I remember feeling as if I was in California at one point and watching people jump into a swimming pool (relaxation, ease, taking a break). Specifically, there was a overly obese black woman in a swimsuit who jumped in and invited me to join her. I declined her offer and remember thinking her swimsuit must have been very expensive. lol

Then we were walking down hallways together. My destination took me to a dead-ended hallway with two sets of bench seats on either side. An older woman was sitting by the window. In front of her where three candles (disappointment, untapped potential) wrapped in tin, souvenirs she was taking home with her. She had to go somewhere and asked me to watch her stuff. I said, “You mean your candles? Sure but I get to take your window seat. I hate sitting squished between people.” The woman reluctantly agreed and left. I sat in her place by the window. It felt like where I was sitting was inside of some craft and not in a hallway at all.

I guess we left for our destination because the next thing I recall is seeing a residential street from above while talking to a woman. It felt like I was receiving counsel as I  relayed my story/perspective. She asked me about my best friend and I could see an image of her sitting across from me, just like she appeared in high school. I told her how we had not seen each other in while but we had no excuse because we lived 15 minutes away from each other with our parents. I saw an image in my mind of our houses. Both had swimming pools.

As I said this I was looking at my friend but knew she was not who she appeared to be, which was my best friend from high school. I knew she was in fact me.

The woman I was talking to asked me, “How do you feel?” I looked down at the ground as I answered. I said, “Discontent.” With my answer thoughts came to mind of meeting up with my friend like we use to. I felt disinterested in spending time with her. What would we talk about? I knew I would prefer the company of a man but then I retracted from the thought because I felt ashamed. To need/desire the company of a man was “wrong” and I should not want that. I should be content with my own company. If I couldn’t be happy alone, I couldn’t be happy with a man.

A heavy sadness descended and the word, “discontent” seemed inadequate. I began to sob as I realized I didn’t even like myself. The tears followed me into wakefulness and I continued to cry for some time after. It was true. I don’t like myself. I turn to men for what I can’t give myself.

Message: Bifurcate

As I cried I seemed to go in and out of the in-between. The conversation with my counselor continued. I was inconsolable. I knew I needed to spend more time with myself. That was the only way to get to know myself better and to begin to rely on myself for all my needs.

The despair worsened when I realized there was no time, no opportunity in my hectic life, to get to know myself. For the past week the demands for my time and attention from my family has been off the charts. I would love to just go away a while but I can’t. To do so would be irresponsible. I can’t.

The more I thought about it the more upset I became. My guidance was reassuring me. I remember hearing something about how my financial situation was made to be as it is now so that I could do what I needed to do but I don’t take advantage of it. I couldn’t/can’t see how that is, though. I feel my finances are part of the reason I can’t take the time I need. And I think I need a whole hell of a lot of time. The more time I need, the more resources/money I need. Where would I go anyway? I have no one to stay with, to help me for as long as I need. My mom’s is out of the question and I have no friends. My brother? No way. I can’t do that to him.

And if I do find somewhere to go, then what? What if I have to stay away a very long time – years even? How do I explain that to my children? What do I say? “I’m sorry but I abandoned you because I needed to find myself.” Right. Ha!

I remember seeing a vision that shocked me back to full awareness. I had been talking to my counselor about the above concerns when I saw a huge, building-sized tarantula standing in front of me. A big, hairy spider? WTF!

Other odd dreams were playing through my mind at the time, too. Along with a song:

Eventually I remember hearing a word very loudly.

I heard: Bifurcate.

OBE: I’m Gonna Fly Today

Unintentional OBE this morning. 🙂

I became aware of laying in my bed. To my right a woman was laying on the floor. I could barely see her because it was dark but I could see her breasts heaving with each breath and her hair splayed out behind her. She looked like a maiden in distress. I can’t remember what she was saying but seeing her caused me to realized was not in physical reality. The minute I realized this, I could distinguish very slight vibrations within my body but they were so similar to the scene that I struggled with the idea that I was not in fact awake.

To test my theory, I rolled out of my body only to roll right back in. I felt no difference at all yet there was just barely a change felt that I opted to try again. The next time I rolled and then stood up next to my body. Of course, when I looked my body was not in the bed and the woman I had seen on the floor had vanished.

I moved toward the door but knew I did not have a good grip on my astral self. Mostly I knew this because my vision was so dark and disjointed. Things seemed to jump here and there and the light was so low it was hard to make out objects. I began to sing random things, knowing my vibration would improve from it. I also moved away from my body quickly knowing it would further help to solidify my experience.

When in the hallway I felt myself float up as I sang, “I’m gonna fly today.” This was just part of what I was singing but the part I repeated the most. lol I floated down the stairs and noticed that there was a stack of towels (need to confront emotions) near the ledge. It was odd so I took note and moved on.

The closer I got to the front door, the lighter it got. I was also singing that it would get lighter. lol I remembered to look at my hands to further stabilize my energy. My fingers glowed and shifted. I know I saw three very fat, alien looking fingers at one point.

The door seemed to vanish as I approached it and before I knew it I was outside in the light, only it was still dark. The light was coming from snow. There was snow covering everything.

I was delighted to see the snow (inhibitions, unexpressed emotions). Looking around, I began to feel myself lift up very slowly. It was like a magnet had attached itself to me. Rather than struggle, I stopped trying to move. I have this image in my mind of someone grabbing a small animal as it was running and its legs flailing about. I must have looked similar. lol

There was a pause and I hung there in the sky looking at the night sky dotted with brilliant stars. Then there was slow movement upward. I could tell someone or something was purposefully taking me elsewhere. My vision blacked out as this thought occurred to me but I remained stable in the scene.

Image result for image of chewbaccaThen I felt myself arrive at my new destination. Slowly a house materialized in front of me like a picture. Then there was a shift between this vision and my own. It is hard to explain but it is like I was taking the visual over from someone else. The house was large and set against tall trees and various bushes. It was still dark but I could see inside the house. I was still flying and as I flew over I saw a hairy ape-like man standing inside. I remember thinking, “Is that Chewbacca?” LOL I didn’t let the visual distract me and flew on.

Eventually I ended up landing in the grass. I was still singing and saw a shape approaching me. I thought, “It’s a goat!” But the image shifted into two large dogs (protection, fidelity). They both jumped toward me, licking me and greeting me. I said, “No, it’s dogs!” I was not upset by this, petted the larger of the two dogs and kept singing. Then I somehow lost the scene and slowly shifted back into my body. The vibrations were so subtle I barely noticed them.

When I woke up the lyrics to my song had shifted to, “I wanna die today.”

My neck was horribly sore when I woke and I did not want to get out of bed.

Considerations

Prior to bed last night I recognized that my physical issues were a result of my body not being able to adjust to the spiritual changes (Kundalini) I have been through. My body had so grown accustomed to the improper flow and distribution of energy that it was struggling to adapt and change. It was like the old pathways had left scar tissue. It is hard to explain but it made sense at the time. How do you fit the old into the new? It is like forcing a square peg into a round hole!

What does that even mean, though? Does it mean that I will have permanent damage to my physical heart? Does that mean that some of my physical body will never be repairable? Probably. And that sucks.

And I am not even sure what the message “bifurcate” even means! Split into two parts…what splits? Me? Or am I already split? Or do I split my life into two parts? I don’t even know. Why do my guides send me such confusing messages!??

Thankfully the crick in my neck has subsided but now I am having digestive system problems (diarrhea) for no reason at all. 😦

 

 

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More Dreams and Feelings

I am slowly coming to the realization that I have indeed shifted out of the wounded healer space (Chiron) I have been occupying for some time. Whether that means, astrologically, Chiron has shifted positions, probably but IDK.

It was just recently that I was reminded that I have Chiron at 1° Taurus. Scrolling through old posts I stumbled upon it just the other day. Then I researched it some more and found this article on it. And LOL – It was as if the article was describing me!

People with Chiron in Taurus in their birth chart truly own their pain. They own it so much that they can appear to be masochists. They get comfortable with their pain. Here you have a whole batch of people who stay in painful situations longer than they should.

It’s not that Chiron in Taurus people enjoy the pain, but rather that they deal with it slowly. To begin with, the blows that they endured were slow and long-lasting. Chiron in Taurus people sense pain on an earthly plane. It’s physically, materialistically real to them. This is not something that can be easily blown off. It takes time to work through it.

Chiron in Taurus might brood or wallow in pain before finally deciding to make the best of it. Yet, they do finally make something beautiful and valuable come from their suffering. This ultimately serves to inspire others.

That last part is especially true for me – brooding and wallowing in pain. Ha! And there have been times that I found myself truly attracted to the darkness I experienced.

But it isn’t just wallowing in the pain, it is feeling genuinely overwhelmed by it, as if it completely takes over. When in emotional pain (not so much physical) I cannot see past it until I completely understand it and feel through it.

That is what I was doing all of 2017! It was like walking around with an arrow in my heart the entire year. 😦

Like my guidance told me during this painful time, “What doesn’t kill you makes your stronger.” Apparently for Chiron in Taurus this saying is our motto! hahaha

So I’m now in the stage of making the lessons of 2017 valuable in some way. Turning lemons into lemonade.

Something pretty awesome is going on with me right now but I am not clear on exactly what that something is. I just feel it and the dreams and messages I am receiving support this conclusion.

Dream: Free Bird

This dream was a long one. In it I had a tiny bird (dreams, aspirations, goals), like a sparrow, that I was taking care of and protecting. I remember letting it out of its cage (feeling restrained or confined) a few times and then putting it back in to keep it safe. However, at one point, the cage was damaged and I could not close it properly. I had to decided what to do and so I opted to trust that my bird friend would stay close to me and not fly away where it could be hurt or eaten.

I took the tiny bird into a barn (feelings kept in subconscious) and let it fly free inside. I made sure to cover all the crevices so that it couldn’t escape. At first it would come back to me, staying close. Eventually, though, it flew farther and farther away, up into the highest parts of the barn ceiling.

While inside the barn I noticed some white feathers on the ground. It appeared to be the remains of a chicken (cowardliness). Someone told me that the chickens roosted in the barn but that sometimes critters got in and snatched one for a tasty meal. This chicken had surely met such a fate. I remember thinking the owners should have taken care of their chickens better.

At this time the bird managed to get out through a crack in the barn. I was really worried because a big storm was coming. I could hear the high winds. At some point I realized the bird would be okay and would likely find shelter. So, I let go of my fear and trusted.

Then the scene shifted to me watching the tiny bird fly up high into the sky toward larger birds, birds that might eat him. He flew with such ease and was able to maneuver around them and avoid being hurt. Then he flew away into the sky. Free.

After that it was like I was the bird, flying along a highway toward an unknown destination. To my right I could see the storm (struggle, shock, loss) in the distance. It was set apart by dark clouds and a stream of neon blue rain that branched out like lightening as it fell to the ground. Ahead of me, though, was nothing but clearing skies.

threeDream: Three 

I was with a woman in this dream and we were at this very large, white house (one’s soul, self). It was empty except for us but there had been a recent gathering. I was helping the woman pick up all the chairs (need to rest) from the gathering. We talked and worked throughout the first part of the dream but I can’t recall our conversation.

At one point there was an emergency. This emergency involved three woman. Two had babies (growth and new beginnings) and one did not. One of the two with babies had a baby that was in crisis and needed to be saved. I devoted my time to saving this baby and its mother. I remember having to feed the babies milk (compassion, love, nurturing). The one in crisis needed a special dropper that appeared as tiny as a needle but it would not take the milk. The other baby gulped its milk eagerly. I remember worrying about the poorly baby and taking extra special care of it. Eventually it began to eat and soon it was no longer in danger of dying.

The babies survival directly affected their mother’s survival. Thus, if the baby died, so did the mother.

Dream: Message from God

In this dream I found myself sitting in my mom’s living room with everyone in my family. We were seated like we have done hundreds of times during the holidays.

There appeared before me a vision of a handwritten letter. It was a short message so I began to read it silently to myself. I stopped quickly because I saw who the message was from. It read, “Hi Dayna. My name is God(3).”

I had seen the message before so I knew what it said. It basically was an email from a man who had been following my blog. He recognized me  – well my energy – and our connection and so wrote to me about it. He wanted to meet me because he loved me.

In reading and recognizing the letter/man I exclaimed, “I know this man!” Then I explained to my family who he was. They thought me crazy and told me that I should not meet the man, that he could be a creep and mean me harm. I laughed and said he would never do that.

In my mind I saw the man and he looked Indian and familiar. Somehow I recognized him, too.

Then I began to unpack a box that was a gift he had sent to me. Inside the box were beautiful clothes (new perception of self) for me. The first I pulled out was a light gray dress. It was made of a sweater type material but hung like silk. Then I pulled out a large sweater and realized it was his sweater (protection, warmth). I showed it to my family saying, “Oh, this must be his clothing! It feels like wool (warmth).” The feeling from them was disapproval but I continued to unpack my box of gifts.

There was a complete outfit for a man and a woman contained in the box. All of them were of the same material and color. They were brand new with tags on them. The dress had a tiny tag with a green 3 written on it. I remember thinking the clothing was very inexpensive for how nice it was.

The final piece of clothing was a white skirt (femininity). What is interesting is the clothes first appeared light gray but as the dream progressed it turned white like this skirt. When I held it up I remember a male voice saying, “This is to be worn with boots (power).” I could see in my mind how it would look and was pleased.

Again I saw the man who sent the presents and felt that I was suppose to be with him. In fact, I saw myself as Indian, too, and we had a small child together. I was delighted but my family still disapproved.

Message in Music

When I woke from this dream I could still hear the man speaking to me. I could still see how he looked and it reminded me of an OBE from long ago where I was to meet my future husband. The other dreams of the night also came to mind, especially the bird dream. I know that it has to do with overcoming my fears and finding my freedom. It is a very positive dream.

There was more discussion between myself and this man/guide but I cannot recall it all now. There is memory of discussing him and I as One and of my becoming Whole finally and the changes it would mean for me. I am still not clear on it all, though. The messages came via the in-between similar to other messages I’ve received but they are not meant to be remembered at this time I guess, otherwise I would recall them.

What I do remember is a song going through my head. This one:

Very fitting song message, don’t you think? 🙂

 

 

Divine Experience & Dream: Prescription

I had an interesting experience last night prior to sleep. As I settled down to sleep, rolling over onto my side, I briefly checked in with my guidance because the day had been a stressful one. Not only had I awakened with a dream suggesting I might have a TIA (stroke/blot clot) this year but everyone in my house was on edge all evening. My daughter was all over the place emotionally, my youngest was crying and whining and my husband was overly critical and negative. At one point I had to separate everyone, even the dog, just to get some peace for a few minutes. There was definitely some kind of energy disruption on-going! I, personally, was not my best because I had not eaten enough and anytime I do that I am super cranky.

I didn’t check-in with my guidance for any other purpose than to see if there was anything they wanted to pass onto me before bed. When I “check-in” I literally just send my attention out to my guidance, like feelers. There are no words, just attention or maybe “receptivity” is a better word. It’s like me saying, “Ready to receive”.

There was an immediate response but it was not an expected one. Because the response was without words it is hard to convey in words, but I will try. It seemed like I was instructed to do something because I felt myself comply to a request. The best I can do is to say that I was asked to, “Look” or put my attention somewhere, but that somewhere was not a destination or location. What I remember most is the sense of Knowing that I should “breathe in” and when I did I swear something came into me, like a whoosh….flood….inflow. I was filled with the most beautiful feeling. It was like my entire Being was FULL, complete…..Whole.

I kept breathing this Beingness into me and with every breath I felt more complete, more full of….Love? Divinity? Serenity? I don’t know what to call it but it was blessed, amazing, pure wonder and awe at Creation.

It was as if I could feel every molecule in the air, every living, breathing part of the air. And it wasn’t just the air that I could taste/sense/feel! I could feel everything in the room – the furniture, the house, the bed…all the contents of the space I was in. It was all a part of me and with every breath in I felt more alive because of it.

You can imagine my smile. I think I took bigger breaths than I have ever taken.

If I had to give what I was breathing in a name I would say it was prana. That was what came to mind then anyway and it still feels to be the most accurate description of the experience.

The trippy part of it all is that I was not in the in-between, not asleep. I was fully conscious and in this human body!

I could sense my guide all around me. It was like I was breathing him in, too. The message from him was that he was part of me. We are one and the same. I have heard that a million times before it seems but never, ever have I actually felt it, understood it like I did in that moment.

Sadly, it didn’t last and eventually I returned to feeling “normal”.

In my attempt to understand what had just happened I was flooded with memory. Memory of all the times in dreams and OBEs when I felt the Divine love and friendship feeling wash over me. It occurred to me that I had just experienced a version of that same feeling, the physical…..human version. And that it would not be the last time I would feel it. I Knew this was just the beginning.

It IS possible to feel the Divine – the Oneness of all Creation – from within this human vessel, conscious and aware of this physical body/reality. It is like two worlds merged within me. OMG it was/is so beautiful.

The cool thing is that I can exist all the time with that feeling, that Knowing, without any issue. I know I can. Previous to this experience I thought it impossible. Ha! So not true!

When I asked why the experience ended I was reminded that belief was the answer. Belief in that if I believed it was possible, then it would be. If I believed it was not possible, or if I doubted my experience in any way, then it the results would be altered to that belief. Interesting!

Dream: Prescription

I slept deeply and with very little memory of my dreams and astral travels. The main dream I recall took place in a doctor’s office. I remember sitting in the waiting room thinking, “I am just 41. I’m too young for this!” “This” was in reference to a pill (looking for answers) that was being created just for me. It was designed to treat my ailment, which was never revealed in the dream. I remember sitting with a woman who was creating a special formula for me. I saw percentages written on paper alongside the specific issues to be treated. This percentage for this issue and this percentage for another and so on and so forth. Unfortunately, I cannot recall the issues. When complete, the woman turned in the formula and out popped a red pill. One pill to treat all that ailed me.

As the pill was being dispensed a pharmacist or doctor interrupted and suggested that one part be removed. The part of the pill that was to treat indigestion (bothersome problem). He said I didn’t need any and he adjusted the percentage of the indigestion medicine to very low – like 1%. Then he removed it completely.

fish-in-aquarium-with-rocks

Dream: October 31

This dream was early this morning. I was in my bedroom preparing for the day. It was very early and my son’s birthday (which today is his birthday but symbolically it means self-acceptance). I remember being sluggish and lingering in bed because I didn’t want to wake up yet.

Eventually I got up and began to select the clothes (one’s persona) I would wear. I remember picking out some blue jeans (more relax position), jeans I once owned a long time ago. When I put them on I noticed I had on large, Duck Boots (one’s power in position and movement). I had to take them off and found another pair of boots underneath. When I removed that pair of boots there was yet another pair. I kept the final pair on. They made me at least 2 inches taller.

My mom was with me and she mentioned I also had on two shirts. I kept both on because it was cold outside. I knew the date was October 31st (Halloween symbolizes the temporary adoption of a new persona where one feels less inhibited and more comfortable to express themselves).

Then I remember being on the floor looking at a fish aquarium (acknowledged but unconfronted emotions) and noticing that I had an extra plant that would not fit. My BIL was with me and I told him I planned to get out our 20 gallon aquarium and move half the fish into it and the plant as well. I explained that our main aquarium was overcrowded and I pointed out the tiny fish inside.

There was discussion about the birthday party after that but it is hazy now. I remember knowing my son and daughter had missed the bus. My husband would have to take them into school but that was okay. In the meanwhile they were outside riding in the neighbor’s go Kart (there’s the go Kart again!). I looked out the window and smiled as I saw them driving it around. Usually I would be upset at my husband for making them late for school, but I didn’t care.

I was awakened by my son. I noticed the time – 6:47am. The bus comes at 6:55ish. I thought, “He going to be late.” Eventually I just got up and just in time, too. He almost did miss the bus! lol

 

 

Dream: Having a Stroke

Well it’s 1-11-11! Anyone feel a difference from yesterday? Honestly, today feels about the same to me as yesterday. 🙂 Maybe I am flat on the energy shifts now because others are relaying they feel a lot more than I do.

Things have been weird, though. Firstly, last night I woke up more times than I can count. It seemed like every 2 hours or so. Second, this morning was another one of those mornings where I seemed overly open to the messages coming from other dimensions. Getting ahead of myself, though.

Dream: Having a Stroke

The dream began with me being taken on board this craft. I had been selected, along with a handful of others, to be a passenger on a craft whose destination was never made clear. I remember the moon being discussed but I don’t think this was our destination.

My first impression of the craft was that it was smaller than I had imagine. It had domed ceilings and walls creating a circular feel despite the floors being level. The walls were white except for a few black, circular areas that seems to be instrument panels or shuttered windows. I don’t know what material it was made out of but the walls were paneled reminding me of the inside of an airplane but much more sophisticated. The floors were also white. I remember seeing dark grating along the center.

As I donned my space suit, which was all white and made of a very light material, I remember seeing the other passengers getting strapped into their seats. We had to secure our things and my main focus was on putting a flat, picture-like object into a secure place beneath my seat. I know we spoke to one another but I can’t recall conversations at this point in the dream. The feeling (like a summary) is that it was a rarity to be invited on these trips into space. Only individuals meeting specific requirements were invited and very rarely did anyone turn down an invitation.

While we were in transit we were awake and aware of everything that happened. I remember breathing into a tissue because I had coughed and noticed a fine, colored mist coming out of my mouth. I used the tissue to check and sure enough a yellow color appeared after I breathed onto it.

Thinking something must be wrong I informed one of the attendants, a woman with short, brown hair. She had a medical and scientific background, though her exact title eludes me. She took me to the side and looked at the tissue. She said, “That is because you are about to have a stroke. All of you will eventually have one.”

Alarmed, I went to the other passengers and told them what I had just learned. They listened and believed me but none had the same symptoms as I did.

I sat back down awaiting my fate and not knowing what to expect. Would I die? Or would I just pass out?

Time passed and I lost awareness in the dream for a bit. The next thing I recall is the medical attendant taking me by force into another room. She was holding me down and attempting to put a yellow liquid into my mouth. Panicked, I struggled but could not get my bearings. She had put a black blindfold over my eyes.

I remember knowing she was putting this liquid into my mouth to induce a stroke. She wanted to see how my body would respond. It was like she was conducting an experiment on me. I remember thinking I had been lied to and conned into thinking the trip was a privilege.

Eventually, still blindfolded and unable to counter the strength of my attacker, I gave in and opened my mouth wide to let her drop in the contents of the dropper she was holding. The odd thing here is that I saw myself from outside myself at this time. I did not look like I do in waking life. My hair was blonde but cut short like a mans. The suit I was wearing was white with black markings on the chest area. It reminded me of what a person would wear who is about to parachute out of a plane.

I was laying on a medical type bed made out shiny metal in a room that resembled a lab. The room was curved like the rest of the ship but it had a counter and various medical instruments inside (well I assume they were medical).

My fate sealed (or so I thought), I laid there, body limp, with the woman still holding me down. This is when another me appeared and we interacted – the me on the bed and the other me standing to my right. The me standing said something to me and the medical attendant. The attendant saw and heard this other me and was flabbergasted. She said, “Then there are more of you? How many more?!”

The me observing laughed and said, “Yes, but just this one – me.” Then she spoke to me as if we were old friends and the whole situation was just an interesting event and nothing to be concerned about. She said to me, “Relax. You will be okay….” There was more said but the dream gets fuzzy here. I felt what was being conveyed to me. I believe she told me that yes, I would have stroke. Then she told me what to expect and how to handle it.

Messages

I woke up hearing, “Ischemic stroke.” You can imagine my reaction. lol Not only was I the person that was attacked in the dream but I was also the other me passing along the information. I felt like BOTH and the information about the stroke was familiar. It felt like I was being warned.

Some background on this: When I first began taking BC again, I did some research because previously BC had given me crazy, scary migraines, the kind where when I tried to talk, gibberish came out of my mouth (yeah scary). I was concerned for my health but research indicated it was unlikely I would have any issues so I opted to try the BC for a short period of time and then go off it if I didn’t notice any difference in my acne and menstrual cycle (PMS, length, etc).

Well, besides migraines, one of the other risks of taking BC at my age (older than 37) is blood clots – ischemic stroke. Yeah. Ha! So of course I thought I had made up this dream even though I have not thought of the side-effects of BC in months.

As soon as this thought crossed my mind I heard a voice very loudly say, “Dayna!” Only the name used was my legal name. It was a deep, masculine voice that seemed to come from under my right ear which was resting against my pillow.

I mentally yelled back, “Don’t do that!” lol

The dream and all that went with it was surging through my mind like a river, it was impossible to stop it. It was like my brain was on rewind over and over. Somehow, though, I must have fallen into the in-between or maybe I was just tuned in because I kept getting flashes of images and messages. I didn’t feel out of control or worried but just flowed with it. I am so use to this kinda thing now.

The gaps in my dream memory were filling in. I don’t know if it was with actual dream images/memory or additional information. For example, I saw a plant with very orange flowers on it. The flowers were about an inch wide with tiny petals. When I saw it I thought “second chakra”.

I kept being reminded of October, 2017. The month would be written in my vision. I don’t know why exactly but the date kept repeating. I believe that is when I started taking antibiotics.

I also heard again, “Don’t give up.”

Along with all that was going through my mind I heard another song, just a tiny piece of it: “…….It’s a long time coming.”

 

I don’t really know the song but have heard it a few times. When I listen and watch this video, though, I can’t help but think the message has to do with me going Home. The “Home at last” part in this video gave me a physical reaction.

Of course I had to research ischemic strokes because I really don’t know much about them. While I was Googling for more information I remember wondering this morning if it was possible that my heart palpitations could be related to stroke. The first site I visited produce this little tidbit of information:

A second important cause of embolism is an irregular heartbeat, known as atrial fibrillation. It creates conditions where clots can form in the heart, dislodge and travel to the brain.

Right. Okay. So what do I do with this information? Freak out and stop taking BC? Go to the doctor and run tests and freak out some more?

Nope. I continue as I am. Why? Because I don’t care if I have a stroke which means I won’t have one. And if I do have one, so what.

I know, I’m crazy to not care, but I’ve been asking to go Home for….ever? I’ve never gotten what I’ve asked for. Why would that happen now? Nah, I am doomed to continue living and experiencing until I actually LOVE life. That’s when I’ll go Home. Isn’t that how it always happens? When you want out, you stay. When you want to stay, you get out. lol

Still, I prefer not to have traumatic-like dreams (I wasn’t really scared so won’t call it a nightmare) and then wake to “ischemic stroke” and someone yelling my name.

Edit: Ugh! Just realized if I had been continuing the 12 days of dreams in January prediction thingamajig then this dream would correspond to October, 2018. Thus, the image of “October” I kept getting flashing through my head. Duh.

Also, I just remembered that I also got a message letting me know I had plenty of time still. Can’t recall the actually wording but I think it was, “Still time” or “There’s time”.

 

Dream: WOD & OBE: What Nourishes My Soul?

My middle child has been sick since Sunday. He missed the first day back to school and is home today as well. His symptoms are bad headache and low grade fever of around 100.3°. Yesterday he was well enough in the morning to go shopping with me so I thought he was recovering. Sadly, by evening he was complaining again but could not describe what was hurting him. He fell asleep around 5pm and slept until this morning waking occasionally in a delirium and talking nonsense. This morning he says he feels better. When I told him he once said he thought he was dying he said, “Yeah, I was worried I would have a headache forever.” We suspect he has the flu. 😦

His birthday is Friday. I sure hope he is fully recovered by then.

In thinking of his birthday story (I went into labor with him on 1-11-11 but he was born at just after midnight) I realized tomorrow is yet another version of 1-11-11 only instead of 1-11-2011 it will be 1-11 and then 2+0+1+8 = 11. It will be exactly 7 years from when I was in labor. Pretty cool! I wonder if anything significant is going to happen? Hmmm

BTW, the 1111 number continues to follow me as if reminding me my journey is not over.

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January 8th, pre-workout. Strapped on my watch and this was the time. 🙂

Updates and Plans

Since I have written in a while on what is going on with me I figured I would do a little update.

I completed my online NASM course on Monday. My next step is to get First Aid/CPR certified and then take the NASM certification exam. Once I pass the exam I will be a certified personal trainer and can get a job. My plan is to do an 8 week internship at a local gym first via the program I enrolled in. After completing the internship I am guaranteed a job.

My motivation regarding this new career path is on-again-off-again. Some days I think it will be a good thing and other days I just want to drop it completely. It is hard for me to see myself doing anything in the workaday world right now. It is good that I paid so much for the program because it is the money that is making me keep at it. I hate to spend money and then not at least experience the end results of my efforts. Follow through and give it a chance, right?

I am still running and lifting weights and doing my fitness thang. lol I run three days a week and lift weights three days a week, neither on the same days. I found that separating the running and lifting was better for me. My body wasn’t tolerating that routine well. Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s body would tolerate a schedule like that long! I’ve maintained my weight and body fat and will continue to maintain it until I get bored. Ha!

The heart palpitations continue. Not sure exactly why but they are a daily occurrence. When they happen I feel it in my throat, which is odd. If I take my pulse I can feel my pulse rate slow and then catch up within a few seconds. I suspect the BC might be partly to blame but I am giving the BC at least 6 months. Thus far my acne has remained under control. I stopped taking the antibiotics three weeks ago.

Speaking of antibiotics, I think they have messed with my gut flora so I am going to revisit the GAPS diet to return the balance. I won’t be going full-out with the diet but using some of the components such as the broth, probiotics, yogurt/kefir (yuck) and lots of veggies. It will mean no non-fermented dairy and gluten-free for a time but that won’t be an issue. I am also  toying with the idea of making my own yogurt. It sounds like a healthy and fun project. I haven’t started the diet just yet, need to review the book, but I am looking forward to relieving some of the side-effects of taking antibiotics for so long. Interestingly, the last time I did the GAPS diet was in January 2015 right after taking a round of antibiotics for exactly the same acne issue!

Someone asked about Monty not long ago so will update on him. He is doing well. He weighed 12.5lbs at his 14 week checkup. He is potty trained (yay!) though still has occasional accidents here and here. We recently leash trained him and he does well on a leash, already indicating he will be an excellent running partner in the future.

Dream: WOD

I was taken to a mountain town with a group of people. We walked up steep trails to a house that was in pretty bad shape. There was an interaction inside with a man who was using the house as part of his work. I soon realized my group were my coworkers and we were being introduced to a new part of our job.

After much discussion someone mentioned how the city was growing fast and asked if I wanted to work there. I was hesitant and they said, “We will pay all costs of relocating. You will have your own house and all expenses will be paid.”  Still reluctant, I looked out the window and saw miles of pig farms (overindulgence, gluttony). I said, “I don’t think so. I couldn’t live in such filth.” I somehow knew the growth of the city relied upon pig farming.

They referred to the city as WOG but for some reason I called it WOD. In the dream these names meant nothing but upon waking I knew both well. Wog is a term used in Scientology that refers to non-Scientologists. A wog is a “common, everyday garden-variety humanoid … He ‘is’ a body. [He] doesn’t know he’s there, etc. He isn’t there as a spirit at all.” WOD is a cross-fit term that means “Workout of the Day”. Both terms make sense in the context of this dream. Wog indicates that I saw the groups of people I would be working with as unawakened. The pigs and shit they wallowed in indicate the state of the unawakened in the world. WOD indicates that I saw working with wog’s as part of my job (work-of-the-day) – just an everyday thing.

Eventually I was introduced to other coworkers who had relocated to the city. They were all having a party with the locals and pizza was ordered. I remember staying with a man inside the house. He showed me how to clean up the feces (materialism, possessions, pride, aggression) that was in abundance. I think he did this to try and convince me that all hope was not lost. The visuals are pretty gross. He showed me a huge barrel full of human feces. Then showed me how to contain it. I unpacked a box and carefully kept the contents, a bunch of kitchen materials, separated from the contaminated stuff. There was a small, plastic container in the box for the feces and it was explained that once contained the amount would never be more than the size of the container.

Then I was introduced to a man with blonde hair and was told he was “our brother”. He was young, maybe 20-something, and very attractive. I looked to the man who had been teaching me, who I also knew was my brother, and said, “How is he my brother?” It was explained to me that we had the same father but I believe that is how my human mind interpreted because the explanation if very muddled in my memory. I recall looking around the room at all the others and thinking they were all my “brothers” and my family was really big.

Then I met a woman whose name was “Joy” but she was the complete opposite. I laughed and called her by her name and she got nasty with me. I knew I had made an enemy of her. I didn’t care, I was trying to lighten the mood because she was overly serious.

She stayed there with us as we prepared to go to the party outside. The weather had warmed substantially. Usually it was freezing but that day it was in the 60’s. I opted not to wear shorts even though most others were.

We went to the party and I was surprised to find that the celebration consisted of everyone driving go karts (ability to navigate life’s twists and turns) around a circular dirt track. There was a quick demo on how to use them and I was fascinated that a work party would involved something so fun. I watched as “Joy” stepped up to a go kart. Her response to me was the complete opposite of before. She greeted me like an old friend and told a woman next to me she was grateful to have met me, that I had helped her by something I told her. The woman told me and I said, “I don’t remember saying that to her.” It didn’t matter, though, Joy was now full of….joy. lol

OBE: What Nourishes My Soul?

I woke at around 6am with the dream on my mind. While going over it in my mind I must have drifted into the in-between because the next thing I recall is sitting at my computer with my children to my right. I saw the screen clearly. At first I was viewing FB. Something wasn’t quite right, though. It showed that I had no friends and I got a message that said, “Add friends”. Confused, I figured there must be a glitch with FB. I shifted to my website and noticed the format had changed. I could not see my followers and suddenly became aware that I had none.

As I looked over my website my screen went gray and a tiny message was written in the center. At first I thought I got an email from someone I hadn’t heard from in a while but turns out it was a message that someone had reblogged one of my posts.

The gray screen with the message in the center made me aware of vibrations. I could feel them and my physical body very distinctly. I could feel my heart doing weird things and the vibrations were similar to a feeling of restlessness. I knew I was dreaming and knew that the vibrations meant I could shift OOB but I was not 100% certain. I began to sway back and forth to see if I could feel the shift. It just felt like swaying, though. Still curious I opted to just leave my body and see what would happen.

So I turned to my left and stood up from my seated position. I disconnected and moved easily toward the window. On the way to the window I took off a pair of black sunglasses (not wanting to be seen, not wanting to see something, darkened vision) but my vision was not an issue. I could see clearly and vividly the window and white blinds in front of me. I unlocked the window and pulled it up. Then I went through the window to the porch roof. As I steadied myself I thought, “I don’t want to do the same thing I always do.” Then I said aloud, “I want to know what nourishes my soul.” I said this as I looked up at a brilliant night sky. In the center was a glowing full moon.

I stood there staring at the moon for a bit and thinking my intention again: “Show me what nourishes my soul.” Then I thought to myself, “Why am I asking that question?” lol And then I thought, “Now what do I do? Do I just wait for an answer?” With that thought I could feel the scene destabilize. I did not fight it because I was confused as to why I asked such a question. Where did it come from? Weird!

As I returned to my body I knew the answer: Love. I thought, “Duh! I know that!” lol

Lingering in the remaining vibrations, part of a song came to mind: “Two strangers in the [dark night] bright lights….” I messed up the lyrics and thought “dark night”. Here is the song:

Surprised that I even went OOB, I was unable to return to sleep and just lingered with the song going though my mind while I mulled over my dream. I remember thinking about nourishing my soul with love. It made me feel a bit sad and I began to feel depressed over the whole idea of living the rest of my life hungry….starving even.

In response to my growing despair at ever finding the nourishment I need, I heard, “Don’t give up.”

Considerations

I had not expected to have such a revealing dream after yesterday’s decision to not fall victim to over-analyzing dream content. The dream says a lot about my path, my concerns and considerations regarding my path/life.

Meeting my “brother” and then knowing I had many, many “brothers” was interesting as well. It feels like my human self is trying to make sense of the connection I have with others. In the dream it felt like “brother” was a relative very similar to a half-brother or sister. The same “father”, which if you think about it, indicates that everyone in this world is our Spirit sibling. We all come from the same father-God-One-Source.

I am obviously struggling with the wogs – unawakened – here on Earth, and how they are caught up in materialism, over-indulgence and selfishness. It is akin to the world being covered in pig shit. LOL It is made clear to me that they (my family, the human race) wants me to “relocate” and do my job (meaning get my ass into gear doing my Earth work instead of hiding from it). My job seems to be taking the “shit”, cleaning it up and containing it. Ha!

It is dreams like this one that I wish I could remember what was actually being said rather than bringing back just symbolism. The feeling is there but it does not completely compute. There is still the question, “So I am here to help, but HOW?” Cleaning up pig shit I guess. LOL

January 8 Dream & Decision

The month of August is usually an uneventful month in terms of spiritual experiences. Based upon my dreams last night, August 2018 looks like it will be no different.

Early in the night I had several false awakenings. Each time I would wake up in my room to find everything was in the wrong place or there were barriers to my movement. I often felt confused and disoriented and this would eventually wake me up for real. The false awakenings felt entirely real and when I woke up in my body I would be so tired I would pass out again right into another false awakening. The main confusion about the false awakenings was my inability to determine direction. It was as if my internal compass needed recalibration.

Dream: Out of Place

I found myself sitting in a classroom (life lessons). Every other student in the classroom was male and significantly younger than me. They were whispering and staring at me, giving me looks that suggested they felt threatened by my being there. I ignored them and focused on listening to music and passing the time. I recall seeing a screen in front of me that had images that went along with music (indicates a message is coming about my life). Some of the music was upbeat and unfamiliar. I remember another student looking at me and I made a comment about the music. He ignored me and turned away.

At one point a song came on that I knew well. I sang along, singing every word and thoroughly enjoying myself. It was a song I use to sing years ago. My ex-husband said it was “our song”, though I never identified with it as such. This is the song:

The singing of this song is one of the most vivid parts of the dream, especially the line, “Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance.”

The symbolism here suggests a message was coming through. In the dream I recognized the message to be that it is better to not know what is to come; to let life surprise me. Otherwise I may miss out on some of the best moments. I felt grateful for “the dance” I got to dance even if it was short and brought me pain.

After the song the teacher dismissed the class. When I looked up everyone had left and I was sitting all alone in the room. The teacher was looking at me and I said to her, “I guess they were in a hurry.” The whole time there was a sense that no one liked me or wanted me there, almost as if I were an intruder. There was an inner voice/Knowing that kept saying, “It doesn’t matter, focus on what feels right.” The Knowing kept me from caring what the others felt and thought of me. It existed beside the part of me that did care what others thought but was strong enough to override the concerns.

This part of the dream is indicating that I have learned to listen to my heart/HS and ignore the self-doubt and need for acceptance that stems from my Ego.

I felt a bit drugged (not wanting to confront something) and out of it as I walked down the hallway to my next class. Only I had no idea what my next class was. I went into a Science class and looked out over the desks and seated students. Everyone looked up at me and then went back to their business. I didn’t recognize the room. The desk layout seemed wrong and I couldn’t find my desk. Not know what to do, I stood at the back for a while holding my things. Some students looked at me and whispered. Some gave me irritated looks. I again felt to be out of place but I couldn’t remember where I was suppose to be.

I went to the front of the room and opened a door behind the teacher’s desk. There was a wall behind it. I felt silly and embarrassed for opening a false door (relates to a false path in waking life). The students’ eyes felt to be piecing my back. I went to another door and looked out of it at another class down the hall. Was I suppose to be in math class? I didn’t know (unsure of my path).

I turned around, took a vacant seat and opened my computer. Everyone in class had their computers open and we were all playing the same video (following the crowd/blending in). My computer (lack of individuality) was not functioning correctly and I eventually closed it. I remember the teacher commenting on my glasses. I looked at them and there was a huge crack (impaired vision) in the left (subconscious/ repressed emotions and thoughts) lens. I took it off and made an excuse, saying I knew about the crack. I mentioned that I could just wear my contacts and then said it would be better to wear my old glasses because the prescription in my right eye (conscious reality) had changed. I put on the cracked glasses and said that they were okay for the time being because the crack was below my line of sight (choosing to ignore subconscious).

The scene shifted and I was in a park outside the school with two others. One was setting up their laptop with a huge antenna (communication with surroundings). They were whispering about being within a mile of school to remain undetected. There was someone tracking them/us.

When the computer was connecting both students vanished, leaving me there alone. I remember taking control of the computer with my mind and disconnecting it from the wireless network. I knew I had to do it quickly before the signal was detected.

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When I finished the students suddenly reappeared. I handed the laptop to the owner and said, “We need to get out of here, fast. They will be here any minute.” I took off in a different direction then the two students.

I ran behind a dumpster (trying to rid self of negative habits) and saw a suspicious car pull up in the street. A man holding an machine gun (need to keep my temper in check) climbed out. Then a woman climbed out behind him. I jumped into the dumpster, hiding under the lid and some large cardboard.

Suddenly there were people around the dumpster, so close I could see the details of their faces. No one saw me, though, and eventually they left. At one point I heard noise again and some little kids were pointing at me. Knowing I was safe I climbed out and went with the kids into the school.

Inside we were regrouping and a line of kids and parents came to the door for food. A man requested graham crackers (caring for others before self) for his little boy. There were none and as he turned away I pulled one out of my bag and gave it to him. He was grateful.

I went into a classroom (life lessons), only this time I felt to belong. There was a tall guy sitting at a cluster of computers. Behind him were temporary, black walls to block the view to his screens. I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand. I said to him, “Thank you for helping me.” We held hands for a long time. I remember feeling his hand as if we were in the physical. I looked at him and did not recognize him. He was very tall and thin, sort of nerdy with glasses and a prominent nose. I felt relieved sitting there with him; safe.

Considerations and Decisions

When I woke up the first thing I remembered was the song I sang and it’s message. I was reminded that without risk of pain one forgoes the potential for the positive experiences. Like the song says, life is better left to chance. We can avoid the pain but then we would miss all the joy and experience of the “dance”.

I felt that it was time to stop documenting my dreams for 2018 in an attempt to discover what the year may hold. Trying to look ahead is probably not good for me. Already I am feeling like 2018 is not going to be a good year. It may even be a painful year. This creates a resistance to what lies ahead and could keep me from enjoying the many possibilities to “dance”.

My thoughts went to the song and how my ex always said it was “our song”. I never felt this to be true yet in the end, for him anyway, the song was fitting. I said goodbye and broke his heart. Had he known what the future held for us, would he have even gotten involved with me? Probably not, but who knows. I knew and I still did. So in my case, even knowing my own future doesn’t seem to keep me from following a particular path.

I couldn’t help but think of the intense heart connection I experienced and how it changed me. I again questioned it, asking, “WHY!???”, because it still confuses the heck out of me. How can something feel so absolutely right yet end up hurting so much? The song rings true for that experience. Had I known the final outcome I would have avoided taking that path. But then I would never have had the amazing experiences that went with it. I should feel grateful for the experience regardless, to have been touched by something so rare is a blessing. But I still struggle to see it that way. I still struggle. Still. Ugh.

As I lingered in bed I heard from my guides, “You will love again.” I said, “I don’t want to.” They responded with, “Yes you do.” I couldn’t argue. They are right. I do long to love like that again but it scares the crap out of me because to love that much means to open myself up to more debilitating pain. But then that is the point of living in this physical reality where duality rules. That is why it is so exhilarating.

So, no more documenting of dreams for the purpose of seeing into 2018. I am sure it will be an interesting year of up’s and down’s, just like every other year. And who knows, maybe I will be pleasantly surprised or even be blown away? Yes, please.

 

January 7 Dreams & Message

I watched the movie 10,000 BC last night. Interestingly, there was a scene in it that reminded me very much of one of my dreams yesterday – the dream where I was walking in very tall grass and saw a vision of gnats on a “bird-like jawline”.

Here is a clip of the scene:

The grass in my dream was exactly the same. The bird I saw was not a giant, man-eating bird, only the underside where the beak meets the neck, but seeing this scene made me wonder. I had begun the film the night of the dream but paused it. Maybe I was somehow anticipating the rest of the movie? Very strange! No doubt I wouldn’t linger in that tall grass if I knew huge, man-eating birds were waiting when I did! lol

Not a bad movie, BTW. I would give it 3.5 stars. It kept my interest but was a bit unrealistic. Not sure Egypt was building the Sphinx in 10,000 BC but who knows. I thought it cool, though, that the movie suggested the Pharaohs came from the stars. I also enjoyed the scenes with the prehistoric animals (like the one above).

Dream: Post-Apocalypse

This was a very detailed dream about life post-apocalypse. Some kind of virus had wiped out most of the human population. There was anarchy and bands of people were gathering together to try and survive. It reminded me a lot of the Walking Dead in the way that the people were fighting for control over the remaining resources.  And no, I haven’t been watching the Walking Dead lately. lol

There was a part of the dream that is blurry now where the man in charge, very much like Neegan in TWD, was being very cruel and sadistic. It was very sexual at times. He was insisting that someone have sex with an overly small, hollow, white tube. I recall seeing him put his penis into the tube, sheering off the skin (sorry guys).

This man later asked me about repairing a water treatment facility. Could it be done? Then he asked how to get the water to the group. I suggested we move our group to the facility rather than transport the water. He agreed and we moved the group.

When we arrived, the facility was an abandoned water park. The dead bodies had long decayed away and though the water had been turned off it was functional except for a few stagnant wave pools. I remember many in our group, including me, jumped into a large swimming pool that had only a bit of debris on the bottom.

There was more to the dream – conversations and whole scenes I can’t recall now.

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Dream: Giving Away My Power

This dream began in a very fancy hotel-like building. The place was crowded from some event taking place. They were all wearing high-end clothing, jewelry, etc. I felt very out of place and kept to myself, standing near the edge of the crowd watching them and thinking them all foolish for their materialism.

I saw a woman I recognized. She was someone I knew in high school. I went up to her and said, “Hi! I can’t believe I am seeing you here.” She was very cordial with me and made some excuse to leave before I got any answers. She was wearing more money on her than the worth of my entire wardrobe of clothes! I could tell she was concerned about appearances and money. She hadn’t changed a bit.

Most of the this part of the dream was of me wandering this huge, glamorous hotel looking for the elevator to get to the lobby and leave. My husband had taken me there for the day and kept vanishing, leaving me to fend off rich, snobbish people who would not stop talking about boring topics. I couldn’t find an exit and was trapped for hours and hours. When I would escape one group of people I would end up cornered by another. It was awful.

At one point I was talking to a couple about my real-life situation because I was tired of avoiding everyone. This is when a woman approached me and told me my husband had agreed to donate $40K. She said he had left his credit card and demanded mine. I stalled as long as I could and finally gave up and handed her my credit card. Only the card had my husband’s name written across it in big, black letters. I knew when I handed it to her that none of the money was mine anyway. It was all his.

Every once in a while my husband would appear only to vanish again but we never seemed to leave. I was so fed up that I decided I would find a way out, leave the hotel, call a cab and get the hell out of there as fast as I could. I had no clue where I would go or how I would pay for anything. I figured I could just use my husband’s money since he seemed to not care how it was spent. LOL

I made it to the lobby only to be cornered by two people. They wouldn’t let me leave and kept trying to keep me there with persuasion saying things like, “Don’t you have a class to take?”

Eventually the dream shifted to my mom’s mailbox. My husband had received mail from the above group. It was in black, sealed envelopes scattered across the road. Some of the mail had been damaged by passing cars. My husband was retrieving the mail and I remember getting on a school bus and leaving the scene. It was odd because the scene didn’t fit but was very vivid.

Then my husband and I were visiting my cousin at her apartment. In real life my cousin is very well off, or well her husband is. He is second in charge of a big company and makes over $350,000/year. My cousin left her job to stay home with her kids and enjoys a very luxurious lifestyle. For example, they have a room in their million dollar house that is called the “Theater” and that is exactly what it is. They also have a room just for wrapping presents.

My cousin’s apartment was in Dallas in the dream and we were there to have dinner. I remember feeling uncomfortable but my husband was his usual, social self, saying all the right things and getting along well with my cousin. Mainly I remember she had high-tech everything and the focus was on material things. I, of course, wanted to get the hell out and kept finding excuses to leave the conversations. One time I even vacuumed a section of her carpet just because I didn’t know what else to do to pass the time.

Eventually I left on a mission. I went downtown to find a strip club. My idea was to see if I could make a couple grand in a night. Never having stripped in my life I felt it would be easy, especially because I had kept my body in good shape. My husband and cousin had come with me and dropped me at a high-end gentleman’s club. My husband did not object and told me he would pick me up later.

I met with a stripper who was dressed modestly. She and I sat at a table and discussed what would happen that night. The place was fairly empty and sophisticated but there was a very obvious stage in the center. I have only been inside a strip club once, but it was a nasty one in Alaska (long story), so I did not know what to expect. Would I just get up on stage and take my clothes off and then men would throw money at me? Could I even do that?

We were soon joined by the club owner. He was a bit sleazy and looked at me with dollar signs in his eyes. He also seemed overly interested in me, especially in what was under my clothing.

The woman explained to me that I would not get money but tickets and that only one of us would get tickets because it was a competition. Whoever won got all the tickets. I said that was unacceptable. I wanted money, not stupid tickets.

The woman laughed at me and I got up to leave. She was not a very attractive woman. She had a buzz cut and was overly thin and lanky – the opposite of what one would think a stripper would look like.

The owner shoved something in my hands saying, “Wait. Stay.” I looked down and he had given me what looked like some kind of fancy pastries that resembled a bunch of flowers. In among the pastry was a bunch of sage (which I assumed was pot but it was obviously sage) and a syringe. I immediately assumed he was bribing me with drugs but it was tempting. I hesitated, thinking of my options.

The woman began to talk to me very matter-of-factly. She said, “You came here because you want sex, right?” She eyed me, like she was looking into my soul. I squirmed a bit under her scrutinizing gaze and became very aware that my hand was in my crotch (lol). I quickly moved my hand and said, “No. I just need the money.” She said, “That’s what they all say.” Then she said, “So you need money, then what? I can tell you have little ones….(she held her hand down low to indicate how little). How long are you going to do this? Until your youngest is older? How old is old enough?” I said, “Just until he is old enough to handle me leaving. Maybe when he is ….. 10 years old? That should be old enough.” But I knew he would never be old enough.

She smiled. The creepy owner smiled. I felt cheap, like a prostitute. I remember thinking it would be easier to just prostitute myself, then I wouldn’t have to go onstage and let so many people look at me naked. But then I realized it was the exact same thing whether I was on stage or not.

There was a couple staring at me from across the room. They stared at me with a mixture of lust and mockery. I felt humiliated.

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Message Received

I woke from this dream gradually, still in conversation with the man and woman in my dream. The cheap, dirty feeling came with me. I remember having all kinds of thoughts during this time. Thoughts relating to how I am selling myself, my power, through the choices I am making in my life. I thought, “I am no different than a prostitute. I give my body and power away in exchange for feeling secure. I rationalize it by saying I want to be with my kids, I don’t want to work, etc. But the reality is that I am afraid and giving up my power allows me to hide. I make attempts to take back my power but they are pathetic. I am owned. I am not my own person anymore.”

It wasn’t those exact words but my thoughts were similar. There was a conversation with my husband recently that kept coming to mind. In it I confronted him on his past explosive and aggressive response to not having access to my body (I’ve been abstinent for 6+ months). He said he felt unloved, etc – the usual stuff. I again said that I felt he (like all men in this society) had a consideration that I was his “property” so when he was not allowed access (sex) then he felt he might lose it/me completely. He finally agreed that there was a consideration like that.

I was not disgusted by his admission. I have always known this. Every man I have ever been with has had this belief whether they are conscious of it or not (most have not been). I am no better in my own beliefs. There is a consideration that I need a man to protect me and provide for me. That without a man to protect me I am vulnerable. The minute I think of being single this consideration says, “But you will be an instant target! Men could easily take what they want from you and you would be too physically weak to do anything about it!”

It is all screwed up. Royally.

Ultimately my guidance was asking me if it was worth it. They asked me what I wanted. When I answered they said, “Take it then.” My response was confusion/fear/panic and, “I don’t know what to do.” lol Because I am looking for a paved path. I am looking for sure things, not the unknown. Right now I have what I need and I rationalize what I do to get it every.single.day.

I shouldn’t be in a relationship if I have these considerations. No one should. Yet that is what most of us do. We jump from one relationship to another and these beliefs/considerations trap us each and every time. For women it is, “I give you access to my body whenever you want and you give me security/protection.” For men it is, “I give you security/protection and you give me access to your body.” In both cases we become possessive of the other. Possessiveness is fear of loss. Period. It is an endless, repetitive cycle that has existed for thousands of years (10,000 BC maybe? lol). Sex shouldn’t be a commodity, yet it is. Women have it, men want it (don’t deny it women….and men).

I’ll admit this dream troubled me. There was a lot of gentle confrontation by my guides. I recognize I have put myself in this situation but it is easier to do nothing, so I do nothing. I know that opportunity is coming. In fact I said to my guides, “Opportunity is coming. I need to take it.” I have no idea what this means but I felt it in my entire Being. I wonder what it is?