Major Ascension Flu or Something Else?

Yesterday was an odd ascension flu day for me, at least that is what I think was going on. My entire body felt….weird. The closest I can come to it was an experience I had during my first pregnancy, way back in 2008.

At the time, it felt like every nerve ending in my body was super sensitive and uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and no position would allow a reprieve. The only way it would go away was for my husband to do a kind of “nerve assist” where he lightly brushed up and down my back, arms and legs with his hands. After a little while of this kind of body work I would settle and finally get to sleep.

Yesterday, it wasn’t as bad as 2008 but it had me a bit concerned because it was like the nerve sensitivity extended to my mind. When I tried to focus on my work it….hurt. It wasn’t horribly painful or anything, just a discomfort. This would be broken by my fixing my focus elsewhere only to reoccur after a minute or so of new focus. Then there was the all-over body aches, especially in my abdomen, neck, right arm and lower back. I also had a strange taste in my mouth.

The feeling in my body and mind made me think that at any moment I would lose control of some body part, like my hands or legs. That never happened, but it felt like it could. My take on this was that if such a thing happened and I was bed ridden then at least others people would have to tend to me for a change. lol

Ultimately, the only thing that “cured” the weird discomfort was being active outside. Morning yoga really did little to help it. I took my dog on a quick run early on and it helped, albeit temporarily. Around 4pm I gardened for about an hour, digging and planting and getting dirty. I felt completely revived and better after. Then, around 6pm I went for a group run. By bedtime all the weirdness had vanished and I felt really good.

Honestly, the strange feeling has been with me since the weekend but intensified daily until yesterday it finally had me wondering, “Am I sick?”

This morning there is little discomfort except in the right side of my neck.

Yesterday, I was urged to lay down and focus on my body and energy so that I could observe what was going on. I used my medical intuition on myself and noticed some definite issues in my abdomen and bloodstream. Not panicking, though, because there was nothing serious that I could see, just blockages that were in the very areas that were the most sensitive.

My guidance is again encouraging me to “slow down” and “rest”. I saw myself doing yoga instead of running and weight training. This puts a kink in my plans because I have been slowly building up my home gym. I just added a barbell stand and bench so I can lift heavier and a plate holder for my barbell plates. I have plans to paint and add a large rubber floor mat and mirror. I have not gotten to try out my barbell stand yet because of all these body issues, which irks me!


In other news, the financial issues I have been working to fix are slowly dissolving one by one. If you don’t know what I am talking about, basically my husband has racked up quite a credit card debt. For a while I was taking a step back and not assisting with resolving it (out of anger and stubbornness), but it bothered me so much to be in debt that I finally took responsibility and stepped up to help. So, I started working full-time in July and have since saved every.single.paycheck. 🙂 That is me, though, a saver, not a spender (usually). I also gave in and applied for two 0% interest cards in my name since my husband could not get any with any substantial credit limits. Me, though, I had only one card in my name, so I was easily able to get great offers.

In the meanwhile, my husband got a nice bonus paycheck which, along with the refinancing cash-out we did, will pay off almost all of the debt. The remaining debt is now being channeled over to my new promotional card. This means we have only one small payment versus three medium-sized payments, freeing up cash-flow to a nice, comfortable spend-whatever-we-want place. Of course, that means my husband will spend, which he excels at. Me, I will continue to save for “a rainy day”. In the end, I will likely bail his ass out again as is our usual pattern. C’est la vie.

Dream: Love Doesn’t Discriminate

My dreams continue to point to me working on expanding and opening my heart. This time I dreamed of close family members who I have very little affinity or liking to right now: my sister and brother-in-low/cousin. <—–the “low” instead of “law” just kind happened but I’m leaving it because it’s kinda true.

In the dream my cousin/BIL was sitting next to me and giving me a feeling of interest beyond just friendliness. It really creeped me out and I was inching away from him the whole time thinking, “Ewww!” lol He was doing this with my sister (his wife) right there with us, which is typical of him and also grossed me out.

My sister, on the other hand, was reminding me of an old high school classmate. In the dream they would swap out as if they were the same person.

This ex classmate was and still is of the typical white trash type. The last I heard she was having her umpteenth child, working as a waitress at a bar, living in a trailer park, and marrying for the fourth or fifth time. Pictures on FB showed her posing by a Harley scantily clothed and bragging about her breast implants while appearing a decade older than she is. Rough life.

So, apparently I was/am seeing my sister like this classmate, which, sadly, is very true.

I woke from the dream knowing I was being asked to inspect my judgments. The message clearly was that an open heart loved all equally regardless of their “faults”. If I cannot love my sister and cousin/BIL fully and without judgment/expectation, then how can I expect to love all of humanity?


Dream: Catching the Bus/Train

In another dream I was hiking up a very steep mountainside (determination) that had recently experienced heavy rainfall (emotion). Water was cascading down the side of the trail leaving only a small area to hike up.

To the left was a fenced piece of land (boundaries or obstacles) that extended for over 500 acres. Some areas were fortified with steel posts and signs that said, “No Trespassing”.

As I hiked up with my companion we avoided the cascading water while discussing the property. The owner had donated an acre or two at the top of the mountain to help establish a town.

At the top was the town with few people. I sat down on raised wooden bleachers (reflection on progress) waiting for my bus (temporary setbacks) to arrive. There were others with me, some I knew, some I didn’t. I was concerned for my husband who was suppose to take the bus with me. He and his companion were late. I think I was traveling to Montana, but am not sure.

I got onto the bus and sat at the back in a seat that resembled a hammock (need to rest). I rested there, still concerned for my husband. The bus was filling up as I remembered my car (life path) and rushed out to park it in a designated space, worried it would be towed or worse. My car was a red sports car. When I parked it I made sure to engage the emergency brake (need to slow down).

As I ran toward the bus, I screamed at the driver to wait for my husband and asked someone about parking. I was reassured that my car could park there for 5 days.

As I climbed into the bus, the driver spoke over the intercom that the bus was about to leave, except it felt like a train (life’s journey is on track) now. He began to count down except I heard the numbers counting up. Passengers were rushing onto the bus as we got ready to depart. Two men entered but I couldn’t see their faces. I assumed they must be my husband and his friend, but I couldn’t tell for sure. I relaxed into my hammock seat as the bus/train departed.

When I woke a song was going through my head:

The part repeating in my head was this part:

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes

I was thinking about a message I had gotten a while back about October. I remember hearing, “You will have a heart attack.” I thought to my guidance, “Guess that isn’t gonna happen?” It kinda made me sad but I don’t know why.

There has been this weird void feeling for a few days now that is reminiscent of other times in my life. These times preceded major spiritual events. It is like I get “wiped” or go through some kind of “reboot”. I often describe feeling like I am about to die. It feels like that now without the typical concern it often brings.

A Glimpse Ahead

Some interesting dreamwork happening now.

Dream: A Walk in His Shoes

This dream began inside a restaurant. It was very home-like in appearance with low light and a warm atmosphere. I was sitting at a table with my girlfriends talking. There was a candle in the center of our table, its light casting shadows across everything. Across from us was a group of guys doing guy stuff, laughing, drinking and slapping each other on the back, etc. I pointed out one guy to my girlfriend as if targeting him. He was someone I knew in a personal way, but the specifics were not present in my memory. I remember telling her I was going to take his place.

Then I was this guy, taking on his perspective and using his body as my own. I remember lounging in a chair talking to me (the woman). I felt all of his emotions – his interest, his self-doubt, his curiosity, his fear, his affinity for me, his impatience, his hopes, and his intent. It was a flurry of emotion telling me much, much more about him that I could have ever perceived had I not been in his body.

The dream is fuzzy here now but I remember that as him I experienced being turned down by me as a woman. What I remember most about this part of the dream is seeing an animal trap with a mouse (making a big deal out of something insignificant) inside. I heard myself (as the woman) say, “It’s time to let him go.”I was referring to the mouse in the dream, but I think it may have had a double meaning. I saw a little mouse inside the trap going to the now open hatch but stopping as if there was a pane of glass keeping him inside.

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Conversation with my Guide

I woke slowly from this dream, which is probably why much of it is lost to me now. The first thing I remember here is having memory of a specific guy I dated way back when I was 17 and still in high school. At the same time I was aware that the dream was the result of a life review and this surprised me. I thought, “Why am I doing a life review now?”

My guide began to ask me questions as the entirety of my time with this man flashed through my memory. I saw bits and pieces of our time together, most not in sequence.

My guide asked me, “How do you think you would have acted had you been able to feel what he was feeling?” I remember how I cut this guy off after feeling he was too intense, like a “puppy dog”, clinging to me in a very desperate way. I stopped talking to him, ignored his attempts at communication and refused to have anything to do with him. I remember he had begun to talk about our future, about how he would move in an apartment near my university so we could be close and how we could continue dating while I was in college. He sent flowers to me while I was in class which terribly embarrassed me because I had to explain to everyone who sent them and I wasn’t prepared to reveal who he was to them, fearful of their judgement of me. He sent notes to me at work as well. At first I thought it was sweet but it happened too frequently and with an urgency that repelled me.

In considering my guide’s question I thought back, “I would have let him down easy. I would have explained why, so he knew it wasn’t his fault. I would not have cut all communication like that, leaving him hanging and not knowing why. I am sure he was wondering, ‘What did I do?’ I am sure it devastated him. I know as much because his sister told me about it.” Then, I thought of how he remained single for over a decade afterward (probably even now) and began to feel it was all my fault. I was reassured it was not, but that the experience had been a painful one for him.

I wondered about the dream and knew the symbolism. I was being asked to walk in his shoes, to take on his perspective.

Then my mind went to the “what if”, the potential, of that “match”. How would it have changed my life? I saw an entire new road I could have followed. He wanted to marry me, I suspected it way back then, but the dream experience told me it was true. Had I stayed with him I would have had a simple life with few material things. I saw very little excitement, very little travel or change. He just did not fit the scene I had painted in my mind for my own life. Yet had I chosen that path I saw so much more ease when it came to my spiritual changes and life. He would have openly accepted me/them to the point of even encouraging me in that direction.

He had such an idealist view of us – simplistic, happy, friends, partners, etc. So optimistic and hopeful. But what he saw what the opposite of what I wanted. His neediness and attachment to me was repelling and I did not know how to handle it except to run the other way. I reacted in a cowardly way and I was ashamed of this. I did like him, we were good friends, but that was all he was to me. To think of giving him the, “I like you as a friend” line just didn’t feel right at the time. It made more sense to just go silent. It was easier anyway.

The Future Of Mankind

I was asked to consider how the world might be if we could completely know what the other person felt and thought. I wondered how that would work. It for sure would help to avoid the upset, the pain, the rejection, etc that is often felt in situations like this!

I was reminded of my recent connection and how it played out. There was no upset, just an exchange of truth between two people. The exchange was 100% honest with no barriers, nothing hidden, no illusions or masks. In all honesty the experience was refreshing in so many ways. The complete openness helped to avoid so much complication in the end. There was no trying to figure out what the other person wanted. There was no doubt, no worry, fear or unknowns. Most importantly, there was no judgment. I presented my side, he presented his. When the two did not align completely it was clear that we should both go on our way, which we did. No attachments were formed so no pain or upset resulted except where the Ego was allowed too much freedom.

The amazing thing was the connection between us was so intense and beautiful that one could easily become caught up in it so much as to ignore one’s own intention and truth entirely in order to perpetuate the feeling. Yet, surprising, I did not do this! I was 100% certain of what I wanted to the point of continually communicating it throughout, even during the most beautiful connection experiences. And he was as well. It only lasted as long as it did because he was trying to persuade me to change my mind. Ultimately, the truth prevailed and understanding was reached.

The similarities between this recent experience and the one from my youth are striking. How much I’ve changed!! It also proves that humans are capable of this kind of openness, telepathy and honesty. We can put aside Ego and avoid so much pain and upset. Will we always get what we want? No, but at least we won’t waste our and others’ time pretending and ignoring reality!

There is, of course, the dark side to this. If one is completely open to the bliss, love and connection with another, that also means openness to the opposite – the hurt, immense pain and overwhelming loss. This is the “decimated” feeling I am so familiar with now. This decimated feeling is what results when one truly opens to the pain in this world. There is SO much! The truth is, however, that that sort of pain is only present because of the separation we experience, a separation perpetuated by the Ego and it’s service to self.

Sadly, there is much more separation in this world than there is Oneness and Connection.

I wondered about how the world will ever catch up. My guidance reminded me of my first awakening experiences, of how, when I first started this journey back in 2004, there were so few experiencing what I was. The word “ascension” was brand new and few talked about it. Within a decade or so there was an explosion of the “awakened” and ascension has now become mainstream. It was made clear to me that my telepathic and Oneness experiences will follow that same trajectory on a worldwide scale. I did not request a specific time frame as I felt it did not matter. Instead I wondered about the consequences of this kind of change especially if those not yet ready for that kind of connection. For me the progression was quick in comparison to how long and drawn out it could be. What of those who cannot get past the initial connection experience so easily? Potentially, the future could be a very destructive one for much of humanity.

My Journey

It was made clear to me that this is just the first step for me on my journey to openness. I can see how I have been prepared for this journey, specifically how the Kundalini prepared me, clearing the way, albeit painfully at times. I am now clear enough that I no longer react in fear to the Kundalini bliss/energy. I fully embrace her, surrendering and opening fully. This I do with full knowing that she can also inflict horrendous pain, but only when there is resistance. With full surrender the pain is diminished to the point that you are fully the observer of it, safe and content in Divine Love and Oneness. Time ceases to exist. All there is is NOW. From this vantage point there is no room for the Ego. When I am One I am without illusion, without lies, without judgment of self or others. I completely accept myself and others. For all my trying to analyze what it is to experience surrender, for all my trying to understand it, the only way I really Knew was to BE it. Now, it comes as naturally as breathing. How amazing is that? Of course, to take that ease and combine it with physical reality experience is a whole other ballgame, but I am getting there. The fact that I have already encountered it and passed the test is proof that it can be done!



Message: Preparing to Open Up

My dreams indicate a preparation underway for some intense changes, changes that will have a ripple effect and ultimately alter my path.

Before I go into my dreams and the messages received, I want to share some of my day yesterday. I continued to be emotional throughout the morning, crying/grieving and releasing. I knew the best way to help was to get outside. So, that’s what I did. I went for a trail run and it was the perfect day for it.

I encountered many people along the trail, hikers, mountain bikers, trail runners, groups of kids, families, and lone individuals. It was sunny and warm and so all the bees and butterflies were out. I lingered, taking photos and videos of butterflies. Below are just a few of those. Some were taken in my back yard:



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I noticed the monarchs in the two pictures above had honey bees beside them in the pics. Just earlier this week I had two bee encounters in the same day. The first one was a tiny bee hitchhiking on the outside of our minivan. Here is a pic of him:

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Later that evening I encountered another honey bee. This one fell into my soda.  I quickly dumped my soda to try and save him but he was lifeless, completely black and waterlogged. A few minutes later I came to check and he had come back to life, eventually flying away. I was shocked that he revived like that. I didn’t know bees could do that!

Bee going into my soda can.

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The same bee after he came back to life.

So, to encounter a monarch and see the bees reminded me of the bee encounter and suggested I look into the symbolism. To me, bees represent hard work and butterflies represent transformation. Message: You won’t successfully transform without working for it. The resurrected bee seemed to be saying, “You will experience a death and rebirth.” I am thinking to that, “Yeah, many deaths and rebirths!”

By the end of my trail run my neck and shoulder had stopped hurting. Yay! I also felt like Mother Nature had given me a huge hug, just what I needed. I was exhausted the rest of the day and spent most of my time laying down and resting. I just had no energy. Additionally, I still had some emotion left to purge, so I just allowed it. There was nothing else I could do really. It just amazes me how much grief I hold.

Dream: Sister

In this dream a friend of mine was becoming close with my sister. They were talking quite a bit and I was against it, saying my sister would hurt him and trying to find a way to make sure that she didn’t. I remember mentioning one of the reasons she would hurt him is she is a Sagittarius. lol

Me and a group of others was following the communications between my friend and sister. They had tracked my friend to his apartment. I had meant to confront him about my sister but when I arrived he was not home. I remember going into another apartment (emotional state) with the group and waiting. Eventually, I went to the neighboring apartment and asked if he had heard anything from my friend. He said, “No. It is always quiet there. He keeps to himself.” In my mind I saw him at a computer.

When I awoke from the dream my concern for my friend lingered as did a sense of concern that my sister would take my friend away from me. lol In real life, this concern is nonexistent. I have never had an incident where my sister stole a boyfriend of mine or even a friend of mine. We are just so different – she likes to party, is extremely social, has different taste in men, and experimented with drugs. I thought it odd that my dream would indicate a concern on my part if the “sister” in the dream represented my sister in this life. I think it likely this “sister” is an aspect of myself.

Dream: House Guests

The dream continued on after this, melding into a new one. It began with a knock on my door. When I opened my friend was standing there. He smiled at me and then looked to his right. He had with him a huge group of people who I knew were to come stay with me. I invited them in but I don’t think my friend came with them.

When the people came inside I quickly became the good hostess, finding rooms for them and showing them the bathroom. I remember going into my “sister’s” room and helping a young boy with the remote control. I showed him how to turn on the T.V. and use DISH, indicating he had to turn the power on twice, once to the unit and once to the T.V. The boy had with him his twin sisters who were in my sister’s closet changing. I asked them if they were all going to stay in the room and one laughed and said, “Of course not!” I remember they all had Australian accents (exploring subconscious thoughts).

I took some more individuals to my room and told them they could stay there. I was to stay in my other room. Both rooms were my in real life when I lived with my mom as a teenager. The one I opted to stay in was the one I slept in from 5th grade to 10th grade. The one the guests would occupy was the one I slept in from 11th grade to graduation and beyond. There was a tiny hole drilled in the wall near the floor that use to hold wires but was now empty. One of the girls stuck her finger through it and said, “I wonder if I can see into your room?” I laughed and said, “You probably could if you stuck a video camera through that hole.” I was not concerned, though.

Then I gave instructions on the bathroom (cleansing), telling them to make sure to hold the door shut because the lock didn’t work. I suggested they use it when everyone was asleep to avoid being walked in on. One of the girls laughed about it. It seemed like everyone in the group was very close and that “walking in” was not unusual.

When I woke from this dream the sense I had was that I was inviting (opening up) many into my home (soul/Self). I was not concerned in the dream but I wondered what it meant when I thought about it.

Dream: New Job

In this dream I was again with a group. My attention was drawn to a man who worked from home. His job was odd. It consisted of gathering up fish into a tank. The fish would be separated out, inspected and then assigned to a vendor who would then be charged for it. The vendors were all credit card companies and a bill would be sent at the end for all the fish inspected for them.

The women I was with were being asked to consider working for this man because his business had grown so much that he needed help. I remember watching the man for a while as he did his job. He was tall, slender, and clean cut with brown hair. He was wearing a long, white lab coat as he tended to the tank where the fish were. He would push a button every once in a while and a new group of fish (ideas) would enter. He would then crawl into the water with the fish and inspect them one by one.

I remember talking to a woman for a while about the job and my qualifications. She felt she couldn’t do it, that she didn’t know enough. I felt I knew all the job functions except the one involving the fish inspection (the scientific part). I was invited to work on day at the job to decide if it was for me.

When I went to work my experience was odd. I remember pressing the button and letting in the next fish. Only one fish came in and it was huge with sharp teeth. I remember calling it a Tuna (agility and stamina). I was told to get into the tank with it. Nervous, I crawled inside with the fish only the fish turned into a man, or at least felt like a man. I was completely naked and the man was staring at me, specifically my crotch, and making me very uncomfortable. I got out and told whoever I was with that I could not do the job. I explained that the man/fish made me feel exposed and desired and that it was uncomfortable for me.

There was discussion here about what happened. The only thing I recall of it now was that I had a dysfunction that needed to be resolved. The job was mine. I was to move into a house/apartment with two other women. My schedule was strange, though. I had to come in some days at 9am. I explained I already had a job and this would be impossible. They ignored me and went on to tell me to be ready to split rent three ways. I heard, “$1500, split three ways is $500 each.”

Then I was with the group preparing to rent an apartment with two other women. We entered into their current apartment. Inside, it had no walls, only sections of space that made up the separated living areas for each resident. I remember sitting on a porch swing in the hall waiting for the women to get their things and go, looking at the odd layout and thinking it good that I wasn’t to live there. Did no one have privacy?

Then I was outside the house/apartment walking on a path with a man. The odd thing is that the walls were completely transparent and I could see everything inside as if I were looking through a giant window (no separation). One of my future roommates came down the stairs. I saw her as my younger sister in real life. I began to run to her, knowing it was time to go. In my hand I had two, 5lb kettlebells.

When I got to my roommate she explained the price for our new place would be $1700 total. I thought it expensive. She said, “Remember it’s split three ways.” This seemed high still but she showed me in my mind that we each would have our own bedrooms. This satisfied me.


When I woke I had a group of guides around me. I felt that “serious” feeling that is familiar. It says, “Pay attention. This is important.” I wondered about the dreams and was told that I had to “let them in”. “Them” in this case is others, not necessarily just my guidance or those in Spirit who are here to assist. It felt like what is done in Spirit is mirrored in physicality.

The houses/apartment dreams symbolize this shift. They symbolize opening up to others, losing the separation I have grown so accustomed to. It was explained to me that there is fear related to losing the “safe” feeling that comes with separation. To open up makes one feel exposed and vulnerable. I was told, “You don’t know any different, but it is time.”

This opening up in spiritual terms means opening up the heart fully. Opening up in physical terms means expanding my circle of friends/family; letting people into my life, being more social and trusting of others and leaning on them as I let them lean on me.

Opening up spiritually seems to come first but ultimately they occur simultaneously only it is not obvious. An open heart means fully feeling/experiencing others as myself. It is that telepathic link I have already experienced with a rare few. It means fully trusting and being vulnerable; exposed. In this case on a much larger scale. As a spiritual Being this is my natural state. As a human it is unusual and can be frightening if not done gradually.

It was explained to me that I was about to open up again and to expect high levels of emotion as a result. Memories of previous experiences of this came to me, times when it was as if all the burdens of humanity to include the emotion and experiences therein were all at once mine. With the experience came an immediate drive to do something about it but it felt impossible to bear and I could not handle it at the time. I was reminded of how to handle it, though, and I remembered how. I have to go to my core and from there I would be joined by others (be One), united in such a way as to manage the burden, the pain, the emotion. From my core I can access the silence, the peace and stillness. As if by habit I went to my core and lingered there for a while.

All the lessons I have learned up until now are preparing me for this openness. Others are also preparing for this alongside me. Some know already, some don’t. Humanity is shifting from separation to Oneness. We won’t all shift, though. Some aren’t ready, but eventually all of humanity will be One, feel as one, and no longer exist in separation as we do today. I can’t imagine it to such a large degree, but I can imagine what I myself have experienced thus far. If it feels anything like what I have felt/experienced, then it is magnificent beyond compare. To think that we can all exist in these human bodies, fully connected and as One, blows my mind. But then this whole experience has been mind blowing for me up to this point. Makes sense that it would continue as such.

A part of my song was going through my head as I woke as well. Specifically, “Lay it all on me now, lay it all on me now.” This is not the first time I’ve heard this song. I suspect the message is asking me to give all my worries and pain to God, to ask for and accept help.

Vision and Message

Right before I got out of bed I had a vivid vision of a place I have been before. At first it was like I was going into a lucid dream but the recognition of the place brought me to full awareness. I thought, “That’s that holistic doctor’s office.” I couldn’t remember his name but I had been there in 2014. With that thought I heard from my guidance, “Find out what’s wrong.” After thinking about it for a moment I thought it an odd vision and message to receive. Yet now, I think I will make an appointment since I have been having some odd female issues and it would be nice to know what, if anything, is wrong.

There was one last vision. I saw a Google search result on a computer screen. The first listing said, “Aluna Joy.” I knew the name. Here is a link to her website. I suspect there is a message there I, and maybe you all, need to read.

Upon first glance I notice she organizes pilgrimages to certain sacred locations across the Earth. Recently, my husband encouraged me to go on a trip, to get a break from everyday life/responsibilities since he gets breaks quite frequently. I decided I would do just that, only I have no idea where to go or who to go with (if anyone). Perhaps this intention is already manifesting. I guess I will see.


Message: Goodbyes are the Hardest

Struggling a bit over here this morning. It’s not too bad, I’ve been far worse, but there is some struggle nonetheless.

I have a tendency to wall myself off from emotion; to harden to it and become angry. I take on an “I’ll show you!” mentality and perceive the person hurting me as doing it “purposefully” with “intent to harm”. Astrologically, it’s a typical negative Leonine trait, but it is also a Scorpio trait (ha!) and I am very familiar with it being the daughter of a double Scorpio. My Dad did not handle emotion well and was known to inflict some major revenge upon those who hurt him. I saw it firsthand and maybe I learned a bit too much from him in the process. OR maybe we Fire and Water signs, specifically Leo and Scorpio, have more in common than I realized?

Last night I knew nothing much was going to happen despite all the build-up from my guidance about the 26th/27th of October being significant in some way. To this I reacted with an, “Whatever. I don’t care anyway.” This was the first sign that something was up. I know the dream I had at the Akashic library was showing me that I had access to all I wanted/needed to know. I also know that I was too upset and homesick to take advantage of that. This, of course, made me angry at myself which I quickly adjusted and aimed at my guidance since they are easy targets.

On top of all this brewing of emotion, the entire right side of my neck is stiff and pain shoots down my shoulder and up into my head when I move. It seems to be getting worse rather than better and this morning I have a lovely headache from it. Additionally, I get to enjoy that time of the month four days early courtesy of the full moon and peri-menopause (I guess). So, yeah, I’m a bit grumpy this morning to say the least.

Dream: Mole Ant

Lots of dreams but most lost or insignificant. This one is odd, though, so I thought I would share.

I was inside a large house or mansion inside a bedroom (private self) with very nice furnishings and bedding. A tiny, black spider (manifestation) ran across the bed and I followed it, excited to see another one. I continue to see spiders in my waking life and this carried over into my dreams.

Then, I saw an odd looking insect scamper across the bed and decided to take a close look, bringing my phone with me. It looked odd. It had a scaly, gold armored back and had tiny legs underneath similar to a centipede but much brighter gold and the scales were like that of a snake. When I got close enough to it, I saw it had a strange looking face with white mandibles and red eyes. It looked like an angry clown face.

I took several shots of it with my camera, zooming in and seeing it up close. It was the oddest looking creature. I called it a “mole ant” but not sure who I was talking to when I said it. Mole = destruction, delving deep into subconscious. Ant = work, dissatisfaction with life.

At one point it got caught up in a spider’s web and I saw it had legs or something similar spread out over it’s head as if in a display. It freed itself and ran away. I followed.

I found the creature sitting on the stairs, its abdomen seemingly attached on one end and the other end poking up with a display over it. It looked orange at this point and resembled some kind of sea creature from behind. I saw my coworker and told her to be careful. She walked right past, her long, black dress skirting the edge of the insect. I remember wondering why she was so dressed up and concluding I must be at some kind of gala.

I zoomed in on the creature, fascinated, but the image through my lens was wavering and distorting as if I was looking through water. As I snapped photos, between each one the image would shift. The creature turned toward me in one. In another a large black dog (protection) was next to it, it’s head taking up most of the screen. In another there was also a white cat (feminine) between the dog and the mole ant thingy. It was the oddest thing but the most memorable was the clown face of the insect – ant, mole, spider or whatever it was. I remember thinking, “This is a dream. These photos are meant to help me remember”, but I didn’t become lucid, I just kept snapping photos, intent on my recall.

Dream: Goodbye’s are the Hardest

I woke form this dream very disappointed and thinking that I had been right, nothing significant was on the horizon. I was angry and resentful and resistant.

Somehow I returned to sleep. I was sitting in the back seat of a car with two other people. I was in the seat behind the driver’s seat. In my hand was a piece of paper and I was writing a story on it. I can’t recall the story now but I was erasing misspelled words and editing it.

I was talking to the person in the other seat (I think it was my husband but am unsure) and a familiar voice on my left interrupted me. I realized I was on the phone with my MIL. I said to her,”Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t know I called you. It must have been on accident. How long have you been on the line?” She said, “It’s okay. I don’t mind. Just a few hours.” lol I looked down at the paper I was writing on and continued to write. It was a story and I was reading aloud.

A man was to my right, seeming to appear out of nowhere. His energy was familiar. He seemed to be attending to me and very interested in me and my situation/case/story. I turned to him chatting away about my story. I remember his face was very pleasant and clean shaved. He was young, maybe late twenties, early thirties. His skin was light and his eyes intent with a glimmer in them, as if he was watching his own child discovering something new. There was also a magnetism there, but it was slight. The connection was familiar but I didn’t dwell on it. However, I did wonder about his intentions.

He was asking me about my story and I was telling him about it as I edited it. When I finished, I signed my name on the bottom. In my mind I was “saving” a file but there was no computer and when it was “saved” I looked it over, showing it to the man. I turned it over and saw that the entire back was covered in what at first appeared to be the English alphabet written in a child’s handwriting. I said to the man, “My daughter must have been practicing.” The letters, however, all looked like misshaped “S’s”, some sideways, others with lines through them, and still others even more changed. In inspecting my memories now, I think it may have been Light Language, not an alphabet at all.

There was a short discussion here about my daughter drawing inappropriate pictures showing sexual things. The man actually started it by saying, “I can help you with that.” Then I saw a flash of the inappropriate pictures, only they were of my own drawings. I said, “Nah. When I was little I use to draw pictures like that, too. Eventually, I got in trouble at school and had to go to the principal’s office. She will learn like I did.” He said, “But is a visit to the principal’s even necessary?” With this came a sense that the “principal’s” office could be too traumatic. I felt it was not an issue.

I looked down at my finished piece and saw the title was in Spanish. Surprised, I said, “Why is it written in Spanish! Did I do that!?” Then I realized it was not, that the words shifted back, and said, “Oh good. It’s not.” I laughed at myself and the man just listened, silently supportive. The crazy thing was, I could read/understand it in Spanish.

Then we were outside the car in a parking lot going into some store. My mom was with me on my left, the man on my right. We encountered an older woman and a younger woman. I recognized the older woman to be my grandmother’s sister. I went up to her and wrapped my arms around her, giving her a huge hug and lifting her off the ground as I did so. My great-aunt was shocked and so was the young woman. I smiled and explained how happy I was to see them. They were silent, jaws open in disbelief. I knew they didn’t understand but I didn’t care. I turned to the young woman and said, “Hug her while you still have her to hug. You never know when you won’t get to hug her anymore. I miss hugs the most now that she’s (my grandmother) gone.”

The young woman got teary eyed as did my great-aunt. I could feel the emotion from them as they realized the very real fact that one day they would not have each other to hug anymore. I turned back toward my great-aunt and scooped her up in a big hug. The young woman turned to another lady who was approaching. I realized it was her mother. She was telling her mom what I had just said. They both got teary eyed, missing my grandmother with me.

I remember looking at their tears and feeling my own well up within. The man to my right said, “Goodbyes are the hardest.” I could feel the sympathy and love from him. I could also feel my own grief building. Then it overflowed, my heart aching as I tried to come to terms with my grief. It didn’t make sense. I didn’t miss my grandmother like that.

Why forgiving is good for mind, body and spirit | Psychologies

Still Grieving

As I woke the tears were still flowing. My guide was with me as I tried to sort out the sorrow I was feeling. He said, “You still miss him.” I didn’t argue, just acknowledged. I realized that I had been angry and resentful because I still hurt so much, still grieved. It felt like he died, like a part of me died, but he was very much still around and contactable. It felt wrong and I concluded that the part that died was not the part that still remained. Yet they were. It felt right but how, I’m not sure. Perhaps the part that died was a creation of mine built from memories and experiences not of this life?

The emotion lingered as my guide remained with me, encouraging me to allow the emotion. I felt angry and resistant all over again. I saw my future as nothing but repetition in an endless loop. I saw no possibility of happiness or real love/connection. I had the mindset of, “If I can’t have what I want, then I don’t want any of it.”

I felt my guide’s energy and for a moment it was as if I was back in that car, him sitting on my right. I could feel his energy inviting me to surrender. He said to me, “Forgive…” I saw a flash of his face and saw the love in his eyes. At first I thought he said, “Forgive me.” But then I realized he meant forgive in general. But my response to this was not knowing how. It seemed that to do so would erase it all and I would have nothing left to hold onto.

In considering it all now, I am unsure of my ability to do what I am being asked. I understand that progress cannot be made until I do. It feels like I’ve already done this, though, so I don’t understand why it is back.

The message, Goodbye’s are the hardest, remains with me even now as does what I said in my dream about hugs. There’s something about not being able to hug the one you love, to just be close and linger there. We should all take the time to hug the people we love a little more because you never know when you won’t be able to anymore.

As for the brief discussion about sexual pictures being drawn, I really did use to draw pictures like that when I was really little. My mom even took me to a child psychologist because of it. I was diagnosed as emotionally disturbed with no indication that I had ever been molested (which I haven’t to my knowledge). When I was 10 I was sent to the principal’s because of one of my drawings. lol Of course, I never drew anything like that again and I was mad at the girl who told on me, not at all ashamed or feeling I did anything wrong.

My best guess about that part of the dream is that my guide is addressing the very real sexual feelings I have been having since the Kundalini rose in intensity. He wants to help me channel the energy. I don’t see anything wrong with enjoying the sexual aspect, thus my response in my dream. He suggests that a visit to the “principal” would not be a good thing. LOL Yeah, probably not. I should probably work on that.


Dream: Visiting the Akashic Library

The full moon is here and my dreams are becoming more memorable and intense. Additionally, I woke yesterday and my right shoulder was painful, like I messed up the rotator cuff. This morning the shoulder pain extends to the right side of my neck. 😦

When I went outside to the bus stop with my children I was blown away by how beautiful the moon was. The picture does not do it justice:


The full moon this morning.

Dream: Visiting the Akashic Library

The dream began inside a library. A man was showing me a book. It looked like a normal book but when he touched it, it transformed into a gigantic scroll with pictures or pictographs all over it in shiny, gold. The scroll was about the height of a person and at least a foot thick. I can’t imagine anyone could lift it if they tried.

I was then shown how to use this scroll. I watched as a man went through double doors into a golden hued library with books from floor to ceiling in beautiful, honey oak book shelves. The room was long and narrow and had rectangular tables down the middle with only a few feet of walking space on either side. Each table had a single, golden lamp in the center. The room was illuminated by more light than the lit lamps could put off, though.

The man opened his book and a presence came to him. This presence was very big and filled the entire space. There was a sense that this presence knew ALL and there was much reverence in the man as he encountered it. I watched as the man was shown things that only he could see.

Later the man told me what he was shown. His eyes full of awe. He said something like, “I saw that my mom and dad have been with me through all my lives!” I received this information in pictures in my mind, so that is my best translation. I saw two people – one male and the other female – standing in my mind’s eye and knew they remained with the man always.

Then it was my turn. I walked into the library, book in hand. The doors sealed behind me. No one could enter while I was inside. I walked toward the bookshelf on the far wall and stared at it. I could see row upon row of books, all golden in color. I looked down at the book in my hand and opened it up. When I did I felt the immense presence of I AM – God, the Universe, the Creator. The entire room felt to be this presence and I felt so small in comparison, though this didn’t bother me.

I heard, “What do you want to know?” It was not a booming voice, just a regular, masculine voice coming from the direction of the book. I looked down at it and thought, “Nothing” but at the same time I wanted to be shown what I needed to know. Three sentences appeared in front of me and I knew to select one. They were all things I have done in life that I felt ashamed of. I picked one related to sexuality. The comment I heard in return is lost to me now but it was not judgmental.

Then the book’s pages morphed into a black vastness. In the center at a distance I could see two, tiny orange-gold spheres rotating around one another.

I turned away from the book and leaned against the bookshelf. The voice continued to talk to me. I only remember now that we talked about what I wanted to know and that I told him I already knew everything I wanted to know. The voice nudged me for more and I finally said, “I just want to go Home!” I was overcome with emotion, my entire core felt to spasm from it. The tears did not bring me to full awareness, though. What I remember most is the feeling of separation that comes with this body and the resulting homesickness. I’m glad the emotion did not break through to my waking consciousness.

While I was crying the voice continued to communicate with me. Mostly, my memory is of flashes of imagery. My spiritual progression in this lifetime was shown next to the progression of the man who I had just witnessed go into the library. His progression was a huge wave that peaked, fell off abruptly and evened out; he learned everything all at once it seemed. My progression was intermittent; composed of smaller, more steady, intense waves of growth that plateaued, looking like small mesas. I remember being told that my intermittent progression was purposeful so as to not overwhelm. I understood this but didn’t like hearing it because I knew I had further to go still and that meant longer in this body and in separation. To me, the man’s progression seemed better.

I do not know who the man was/is. My best guess is he is connected to me somehow, but how is unclear. I don’t remember seeing him, either.

Our communication began to bring me to full lucidity. I could feel the I AM presence and this heightened my awareness even more. The feeling is hard to describe. It was like I was being pulled into the energy, merging with it. The voice indicated that I should stay focused but just hearing that caused me to shift further into waking reality. I knew if I stayed I would be shown more, things that I needed to see/know. It felt like all of everything could be witnessed there in that place and that I had been about to enter into a merged state.

Ultimately, I wasn’t ready to Know. I think I fear what will be revealed. I came back to waking reality, a male guide close by. A song was going through my head:

The part I was hearing was, “I don’t wanna know, know, know, know…” and “the more I drink, the more I think about you.” This confirms that I am avoiding something. The part about drinking is likely pointing out to me that I have been having a nightly glass of wine for the last two weeks.

I lingered in bed a while, the image of the two, orange-yellow spheres in my mind. I wondered if they were two suns orbiting one another (binary). Maybe a system somewhere far away? Or maybe they represented something else? But what? Home?

Dream: Bus

I tried to return to the library but couldn’t. Instead I entered a dream where I was standing with my kids in a cul de sac. The bus (going along with the crowd) came and I got on but the driver drove away, leaving my kids at the bus stop (setbacks). I asked why and he said another bus would come get them. This upset me but I sat down next to a black man. The bus was so crowded that I had to sit very close and ended up leaning up against him. He wrapped his arm around me. I questioned this and was told he was just protecting me. So I leaned into him more.

As the bus drove away I pestered the driver to go back and get my kids. The other passengers were against this. The bus stopped for a long while not moving. I got very upset then and began yelling at the driver. He finally returned but my kids were not at the stop anymore.

I exited the bus to get them. The man who I’d been leaning against grabbed onto the back of my jeans (need to relax) and pulled them up as if to give me a wedgie. I told him to stop, that they weren’t meant to be worn that high.

I could see kids had returned to the building/school and somehow ended up in a swimming pool (cleansing) soaking their clothes. They even got their towels wet.


When I awoke from this dream I was a little upset. I was reminded how important my family is to me. We just bought a new minivan and I saw it as evidence of my wanting to keep my children close.

Memories of the earlier Akashic library dream were still with me. The sense was that I had been very close to something big and had turned away from it. There was more discussion at this time. I only recall now that I was told I would be celebrating another birth-day soon. It seemed that every progression or wave on my spiritual journey is a birth like this and that another was approaching.


We’re ALL Soul Family

When I woke up this morning the first thought that came to my mind was, “We’re ALL soul family!” Then, “Here I have been pining away for my soul family, asking to be reunited with them, and the universe has obliged perfectly because my Earth family IS my soul family. Duh. Duh.”

That’s how the Law of Attraction works, you know. You have to be very specific about what you ask for and you have to make sure your definitions are accurate. Ha! The Universe does not judge or analyze your requests. It just accepts your energy/thoughts/intention and gives you exactly what you ask for.

Then next thought that came to me was about the “mob” or “caravan” of people migrating toward the southern boarder of the U.S. My reaction to this initially was upset, even anger and then maybe even some fear. Yesterday, I recognized this was not in line with my heart; that love and compassion was needed, not anger or fear. This morning, rather than thinking of how the U.S. should go to the boarder and “defend” our nation against this “mob”, I was thinking, “We should focus on the source of this problem. We should do something about the injustices in the countries these people are fleeing.” I had not even gone to bed thinking about this situation, yet when I woke it was right there as if I spent all night discussing it.

This change all goes hand-in-hand with the idea that we are ALL soul family. There is no “Us” and “Them”. Will I be at the boarder welcoming these immigrants? Probably not, but I think rather than putting up a fight, the U.S. should quickly organize a processing center, line those people up, get them their visas and let those that qualify, through. Grant them asylum and then focus long and hard on their countries of origin.

If you don’t like my thinking, sorry, but I just don’t see how pushing back with the military is going to do any good in the long-run. The world is in desperate need of a reckoning and I would rather it come with cooperation than be forced into it. Wouldn’t you?



Interestingly, in my dreams I spent most of the night with my cell phone communicating with one particular member of my soul family who I am feeling out of communication with. The start of the dream was me texting this person and not getting any response. But I still texted them. Most of this part of the dream involved me talking to myself about whether to text them and was full of doubt and uncertainty.

Eventually, I was in another country visiting other soul family, many I have met in real life and connected with via the internet. I was taking video of a ceremony in which a woman was being connected (merged) with her totem animal – the hummingbird. This reminded me of my friend and I contemplated texting them but decided not to since they had not been responding to my other texts. I watched as a tiny hummingbird came to this woman and then this pink flash of light transformed them both.

Then I was driving through the mountains of Wyoming with my son. I had my phone and was taking photos and video. Again, I thought of my friend, but rather than text them I focused on my son because he was right there with me and wanted to be. Did my friend? Not likely or they would have been there, right? I said to my son, “Look how beautiful the mountains are! We are in Wyoming.” I knew the exact spot, too, right off the interstate on the way to Montana. I had driven the route so many times that that particular area was ingrained in my memory.

The dream shifted and I was in a mansion with the same friends I had been with at the hummingbird ceremony. Among them was Yvonne and Sophia. Everyone had just awakened and my friend Yvonne was trying to get breakfast organized. My friend David was there with the group and walked past as I talked to her. I suggested we order out and so we all climbed into separate vehicles to get food. I climbed into an SUV with a mother and her two children.

The scene shifted. There was this dark complected man I did not know yet in the dream we did know each other. We were introduced by his daughter who told me it was his birthday. I said, “Wow. Today’s your birthday? You have the same birthday as my mom (October 15th)!” Then I remembered that he had said his birthday was earlier in the month (October 5th) and now he was saying it was couple of weeks after that. It was as if the entire month of October was his birthday.  I asked him why and his daughter said, “He doesn’t like anyone to know.” I remember thinking about the astrological sign of Libra at this time, too, considering it’s traits and tendencies.

I decided to lay down on the sofa because I was getting a strong feeling from the dark complected man that was overwhelming to me. I cannot put my finger on just what the feeling was but I remember knowing he had an interest in me as well. While laying on the sofa I closed my eyes, trying to stave off the feeling. I could sense other men in the room, all of them with the same intention on me, as if I had these men vying for my attention. I didn’t like it.

When I woke this song was going through my head:

This song is in line with a theme I have noticed for last few months: Fire and Water. It seems to indicate that I am overcoming the Water (emotion), burning it away and being the Fire that I am. Taking back my power, perhaps?


In reflecting upon my above dream, it confirms something I have always felt about relationships. If someone wants to be in my life, they will be. If they care about me, they will reach out and respond when spoken to (or emailed). They won’t leave me hanging or wondering. The people who are currently in my life are there not only because I want them to be in some way, shape or form, but also because they want to be.

In my dream, I finally gave up on contacting my friend because I realized I had, right in front of me, someone (my son) who wanted to be in my life, who loved me and enjoyed being with me. I felt needed, loved and wanted by him. I saw no point in continually reaching out to someone who did not reciprocate.

Relationships take both people. They a reciprocal, not one-sided. It is beneath me to over-extend myself only to be denied, blocked, rejected for who I am and what I have to offer. Just my continually reaching despite being denied says that I feel unworthy in some way; that I need something another has to offer in order to be my whole self.

I’m not sure about the end of the dream regarding the man with the birthday and the feeling that overwhelmed me. My best guess is that the entire month of October has been a “birthday” for me and others; a celebration of our birth, of new opportunities ahead.


A Lesson on Aging

Interesting lesson for contemplation presented to me last night and upon waking.

Dream: Fishing

The dream began on the side of a road. I could see the white gravel (practicality) as I sat upon a very tall bicycle (seeking balance) adjusting the handles. Only they weren’t handles but a steering wheel (control of direction in life) as if from a car. The steering wheel was too high up and I knew it was that way because my husband had been “driving” my bicycle (letting my husband have control).

When I stopped I held up a group composed of an adult and several kids, mostly boys, all on bicycles. I watched as they went around me and pedaled on their way down the road.

When my bike was adjusted I rode a very short while and then stopped again, this time by a large pond. When I got off my bike my bare feet touched rough rock that poked at my tender feet (discomfort). This rock was also white but bigger than the pebbles of the previous road.

Gathered by the pond (reflection) were the kids (youth) from earlier all with fishing poles in their hands. A mother was helping her daughter adjust her pole discussing what kind of bait to use. For some reason I saw at water level a bunch of white, striped fish (ideas) in the water. I commented about them saying we had put them in the pond and that they could be used as bait.

Then I was fishing (delving into subconscious), too, and cast out into the dark water. I was high up on a rocky ledge with the others trying to position a chair (need to contemplate something) but it kept slipping. I looked for lower ground, noticing there were families on the other side of the pond at water level. I opted to stay put when I saw a girl nearby catch a fish. Not long after, I caught one.

My fish was small and greenish black (insight from subconscious, something’s “fishy”). When I grabbed it to remove the hook, part of its back fin fell off (misguided, lack of direction). I realized it was too small (not living up to potential) and decided to throw it back. As I tossed it in, part of a section of it’s side fell off. In the water it laid on its side, dead, blood (disappointment) in the water around it.

File:Fish Pond near Titchfield Abbey.jpg

Dream: Depressed Bathtub

This dream began inside a house (soul/self). I was in the bathroom (cleansing) showing a woman how to remove water that had overflowed. I poured it into a laundry basket (abundance). Despite the basket being full of holes the water did not leak out. I then picked up the basket and poured the water out and made sure to use towels to soak up any remaining puddles so that the water didn’t leak down to the first floor.

Then, I noticed a bathtub below me. It was on the left side (feminine) of the bathroom and another tub was on the right. The floor I was standing on angled down toward the tub on the left and there was a drain built into the side. I realized I hadn’t needed to remove or soak up the water. To get into the tub you had to climb down a porcelain ladder built into the tile wall. I thought it cool but then maybe slippery and dangerous, especially for someone getting up in age. I remember wanting to take a bath or shower in the tub just to experience it.

Dream: Sexual Dysfunction Group

In this dream I was with a couple but I only recall talking to the woman and never saw either of them. We entered into a large room with many older people inside. Their ages ranged from mid-40’s to 80’s or higher. Everyone was gathered there and I knew they came often to meet up, mingle and find partners. It was like a silver singles meet and greet or something like that. lol I soon realized that all of the people in attendance were struggling with some kind of sexual dysfunction that kept them from experiencing sexual intimacy as it was intended.

As I was shown around I felt a bit out of place because of my age and also because I had no sexual dysfunction. I looked at all the “old” people and tried to keep out of my mind imaginings of them naked and having sex. It was not something I wanted to imagine! lol I remember joking that it was a “geriatric” sex group and thinking that “geriatric” applied to anyone over the age of 50.

Whoever I was talking to was asking me questions to dig deeper into how I was feeling and what I thought. I recall having an entire dream within a dream about being in a home and walking in on a man who had just exited the shower. He was older and completely naked. I turned before I could see anything, shielding my eyes and apologizing. He stood behind me completely naked and unashamed.

There was a discussion about supplementation that could help with sexual dysfunction. Someone pointed out a rack in the center of the room and told me that those who ordered supplements picked them up from the rack. I could see the bottles, all marked clearly with people’s names so that anyone and everyone knew what kind of supplements were being purchased and why. I said, “I would never buy supplements from here and pick them up there! I would get them on my own and have them delivered.” I made a joke about how I would only buy Evening Primrose Oil anyway. I obviously felt uncomfortable and judged despite no one seeming to notice or care.

At this time I sat down on a soft sofa on the edge of the room and kept to myself, watching everyone else mingle and looking closely at their varying ages and physical condition. The room was laid out with sofas along the walls where people could sit closely and talk. Many were connecting and everyone was at ease except me.

I remember knowing what kind of sexual dysfunction the people there had. For example, one man had erectile dysfunction and was buying up supplements to fix that. And there was a woman close to my age sitting nearby who was struggling with some kind of sexual dysfunction. I think she couldn’t achieve orgasm. I felt sad for her being so young and struggling like that especially since she was one of the few younger people there. Seeing her made me feel even more out of place and I decided I for sure didn’t belong there!

Several men came and sat with me. One sat by me, grabbed my right hand and said, “That’s a nice one” and left. I looked down and saw a silver, marquis wedding ring but it was on the wrong hand. The one that lingered the longest had dark hair with streaks of gray in it that was somewhat long and disheveled. His body was lean and sinewy and the feeling coming off of him was intense and powerful. I pulled away, feeling a bit uncomfortable knowing he was checking me out as a potential partner while also feeling attracted to his powerful energy. He talked to me for a while but I only remember bits and pieces of our conversation. He was trying to get me to lighten up and stop being so judgmental/critical about “old” age. I knew he was in his 50’s and could not keep my thoughts from him. In fact, I think everyone there could hear everyone else’s thoughts. I think I called him “geriatric”, too, which was not nice but he didn’t take offense, just pointed out that I was only a decade younger than him (ha!).

During our conversation I shifted into a dimly lit scene. I believe I was inside a car but it was also a bicycle like in the first dream. Whatever we said caused me to feel very sensual and this is when the muted Kundalini entered the dream. What remains in my memory is a discussion about how older people can be sexual, too, and it is just as beautiful and erotic but can be much more intense and pleasurable because of the experience that comes with age. I think he was trying to convince me of this fact and he succeeded.


Not long after this I awoke with a warm feeling in my sacral and solar plexus. It was a nice feeling but not sexual. The man from the dream was still nearby and our discussion continued about age, sexuality and intimacy.

Our discussion brought to me a memory from last Sunday when I visited my Mom’s house. Her brother came for a visit and I remember thinking he looked really old. I realized he is 68 now and thought it sad that he had lost so much of his good looks. Yet he seemed happier than he’s ever been and was really pleasant as a result. He can very moody and serious (Scorpio). Still, though, it seemed a shame that his body was in such poor shape.

I suppose my reaction to my uncle spurred the dream and discussion. It is just a continuation from previous discussions I’ve had about growing older. Obviously, I perceive old age as unpleasant, limiting, and asexual. lol There are a lot of beliefs and judgments that need clearing such as: old people having sex is gross, old age brings limitation, old bodies are unattractive, old women “dry up”, old men have erectile dysfunction (lol), old people are senile, old people are useless, old people are a burden on society. OMG there are more even that that. 😦

There was discussion about my age and how I feel about it. I feel young still but close to losing what is left of my youthfulness. For some reason 50 seems to be the cut-off decade right now but I laugh because when I was really young, 30 was old and at one point 40 was old, too. LOL As a result of feeling my youth disappearing there is somewhat of a desperate feeling along with a sadness. I want to keep my youth but can’t. I don’t want to be old. I want my body to look like it does now. I am proud of my body and how well I’ve maintained it but at some point (my uncle is a good example) no amount of care and maintenance will stave off the deterioration that comes with old age. One day my body will likely resemble my Mom’s. What horror! lolol

Then I was directed to focus on the passion, fire and aliveness I’ve been experiencing with the Kundalini. Despite growing older I feel more alive and passionate than I ever have. I think it a shame that it came so late in my life. What a waste!, I think. This quote comes to mind:

George Bernard Shaw Quote: “Youth is wasted on the young ...

Then I was directed to the Kundalini, the fire and passion and bliss. Just remembering it brought the energy. It flooded my entire Being and I could not understand how I had gone so long in this life without ever experiencing it, without ever tapping into my own innate power. When I feel it, all I want is to remain within it, and feel propelled toward that single purpose. There is nothing else more important to me. The fact of this surprised me and I knew it would ultimately be the source of immense change in my life. But this Knowing didn’t scare me one bit.

I was asked to contemplate what I had been shown, to consider tossing my beliefs about old age and embracing the possibility that my life has just begun and does not have to be limited by the physical. I was asked to consider how I limit myself with these considerations; how I limit my potential and the potential of others. Just because I am growing older doesn’t mean I have to stop living.

In the end, it feels like someone in Spirit is guiding me to shift my perspective and has been for some time now. Whether this shift is ultimately meant to facilitate something else, is unknown, but I am suspicious. Could it be that eventually I will be faced with a situation that will test whether I am able to see past the illusions and limitations of the physical?

We Are Not Meant to Do This Alone

There’s some pretty intense energy right now working to “flush out” the old. For me, it seems to be focusing on the middle chakras – sacral plexus, solar plexus and heart. I have a lot of stuck energy there, always have.

I’ve been mostly feeling unsettled and restless. When I stop moving/thinking/doing, which is my way of handling the feeling, I am left with the silence which tends to open me up to the stagnant emotion that needs to be felt and released. I struggle with just feeling through the emotion sometimes, though. It is hard not to become the effect of them.

As usual, last night I kept busy by watching a movie. This one was recommended to me by my husband. I never know what to expect of his recommendations. Sometimes they are duds, sometimes not. This one turned out to be a winner. It is called Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. I highly recommend it, and I don’t often recommend movies these days.

As is typical of my guidance, the movie brought to the surface some of that emotion for release. It had nothing to do with the movie, though there were plenty of moments to feel emotional during the movie. At first I could sense a guide in the distance to my left. He seemed a bit hidden, probably by my focus on the movie. The emotion was easily spotted and hit me in intervals – waves rather. By the end of the movie I had cried enough to be completely stopped up.

Most of what I felt has been with me all my life. It is a feeling of never-ending nothingness, pointlessness, and boredom with life. I see my life as an endless conglomeration of routine and safety. I crave change but then I also fear it. In the middle of the craving and fear is where I am stuck, immobile in indecision. Well, there is a decision, a decision to cling to the safe even though I want desperately to find an excuse to go on an adventure.

Then there is the unrequited love feeling that forever haunts me now. It is unending and torturous. I had never really understood what unrequited love was or felt like before but I do now.  The ache never ends. This feeling surfaced last night and was still with me when I awoke. It is something that I live with on a daily basis and apparently something I experienced in more than one previous life. In fact, I think when I entered this life it was with me, I just didn’t know its source. Knowing the source doesn’t help relieve it at.all. If anything, it makes it that much worse.

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This morning I was begging to be relieved of the pain once again. I see no point in trying to chase after love because I see it leading into an endless maze of which I have never reached the end in other lives. Without a known end (meaning I have only a dream of what it might be) there is hopelessness. The feeling that remains is similar to the first one I mentioned, the one of feeling stuck between craving and fear. In fact, it is the same feeling. The two are one in the same.

Add to all this the not knowing which is the right best choice for me (follow the craving or the safety?) and you get confusion and chaos, especially in my mind but also in my energy body. Up to this point, most often I follow the safest route. I hear my guidance asking me, “How’s that working for you?” Not good, I guess, though I do have more than enough in regards to security, money, material things. More than enough.

This morning the answer was provided but I don’t know how to go about what is being asked of me. It was, of course, “let go”, specifically of the past and the experiences that haunt me. If I could, I would erase all memory; wipe the slate clean. The obvious way to do that is to start a new life because, well, the memory is wiped clean to start anew. So, my immediate request is to be allowed to do that. Of course, that is not granted because I am suppose to be cleaning up this lifetime so that I can help humanity/man-kind with the ascension.

It was pointed out to me quite bluntly that I am clinging to the past and as such not moving forward, not allowing new opportunities to manifest and turning away from new paths because they don’t seem to lead me to where I want to go. This is screwing things up, taking me around and around in circles.

Yes, I have been here before, many times (circle).

This patterns is, of course, linked to my wanting to know where the path leads; to be in control, or at least feel in control. Ego wants what Ego wants. Period. This is what happens when one Forgets, which is, sadly, a human tendency. Not long ago I was Remembering and following my gut/heart/intuition while not resisting paths as they opened up to me. But I have fallen back into old patterns, forgotten all I have learned. So here I am learning it all over again.

Part of the reason for this regression is that I have unfinished business to attend to. Stuff I didn’t confront fully before because of inability to cope with the overwhelm of emotions that surfaced. My heart got so wide open that I was taking on humanities pain as my own and that was just too much. I actually fear that happening again, mostly because I feel an intense urge to do something about it but feel so insignificantly small and powerless. Somehow I have to be able to live with a wide-open heart, to take in all that comes with it and experience it completely without backing down, without fearing failure, and without any expectation. That is the only way to HOLD and ANCHOR the LIGHT.

OMG what did I sign up for? LOL

I realize now that for me to accomplish the above the masculine has to be synced up with me, supporting me and providing the strength needed to channel all that comes with a fully open heart. I see it in my mind as energy in the pattern of an infinity symbol. One side of the infinity loop goes through me, the other through him/the masculine. This could be the masculine with me, or an actual masculine counterpart I suppose. Or maybe both. But most definitely I have to have my own masculine side healed and be completely open and receptive to it. Yet I sense that it is both my own masculine and the collective masculine here. It feels like one cannot be truly complete/whole without the other.

I am reminded of something my guidance has told me time and time again, “You are not alone.” Also, “You are not meant to so this alone.” This I have said to others as well.


In writing this I am reminded of how I feel when I have synced up with the masculine, meaning come into Union, even if only for the very briefest of moments. The feeling of support is tangible. There is no fear. There is no past or future. There is only NOW and with it full acceptance/surrender to all possibility. I feel 100% capable of taking on anything and everything. Supported. Powerful. Able. Loved. My guidance says, “Imagine feeling that way all the time……It IS possible.”

I have been practicing breathing in the Bliss and Divine connection when I am stressed or feeling overtaxed in some way. It helps and sometimes I am even able to remove myself totally from the situation so that I can observe and not be the effect of it. It takes practice, but it works, and I am being urged to continue. So I will.

In between all this healing and transmuting and such there are the very real contracts I am still in the midst of working through. Life goes on. I still have obligations to others, lessons to complete that somehow tie into a bigger purpose, though I can’t quite see that whole picture yet. I feel it to be true, though.

From my viewpoint it all looks like a big, crappy mess of chaos. One that I will never untangle myself from. This is where Trust and Allowing come in. It probably means I will go down some paths that don’t look like they lead anywhere. And maybe they won’t. That isn’t the point, I’m told. The point is to practice Trust and Allowance to the point that I do so habitually. Eventually, the tangled mess around me will sort itself out.

My problem is always looking for the finish line. When we do that, we miss what is right in front of us for looking too far beyond it.

I’ll leave you with something I feel my guidance led me to this morning.


Dreams of Transition

Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Texas. After over a week of rainy days we finally got to experience blue skies and Spring-like temperatures. I visited my mom’s house to celebrate her birthday. While I was there I took a long walk through the hills and captured photos of butterflies of all kinds. Many of them were attracted to me, landing on my shirt or flying up into my face.

Here are a few photos of my butterfly encounters:

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The energy lately has been intense according to others I know. Thankfully, these waves do not incite too many physical/emotional/mental symptoms for me these days. I have had some intestinal grumpiness for a few days and my right eye continues to gunk up making it hard for me to wear my contacts. Other than that, physically I am doing well.

My husband and I have been butting heads quite a bit lately. It seems to be a war of the wills. As usual, I tend to be the one to drop out. I haven’t the energy for it anymore. It just isn’t worth the stress. He continues to push despite this. It isn’t good enough for me to let him win, he has to force a reaction from me. Sigh. For example, this morning he let our middle son stay home from school just because his throat was sore. He didn’t take his temperature or anything despite knowing my son purposefully tries this to avoid school (what kid doesn’t?). I took his temperature and it was fine. If his throat does hurt it is likely allergies. My husband and I talked about it, him justifying his decision and me giving up quickly on trying to talk sense into him. Now my husband is trying to take my son to work as my son seems completely recovered (ha!). My husband knows I do not like rewarding staying home from school, so now he is doing just that.

I give up. Really. I am trying to get him to agree to a divorce and he keeps avoiding it. 😦

My dreams suggest I am seeking to protect myself from something. I don’t know how to feel about them.

Dream: Busted Bathroom

This dream began inside a school classroom (lessons). I can’t recall much except walking across the hall to retrieve my clothing after realizing I was butt naked (vulnerability). I wrapped a towel (need to confront something) around myself and waited until the bell rang and went over. The teacher was at the her desk and my clothes were in a heap on a student desk next to hers. I picked up my clothes and left quickly. The teacher hardly noticed me.

I walked down the hall and was joined by a very, very tall and very black man who spoke with an African accent. He asked me, “May I join you?” I nodded yes but kept my head down and my blue (sadness, need for guidance) towel tightly around me. He put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me closer to him as if he was taking ownership of me and we continued to walk down the hall.

At some point another woman was with me as I searched for a bathroom (cleansing). I don’t know what happened to the black man. When we found the bathroom entrance the doors to both were sealed shut with yellow tape across them. I walked around the corner and found another entrance.

Inside I had to push past a fake door and gained entry into the bathroom. It was all white tiles and at first I was relieved to have found it. Unfortunately, as soon as we went further in I noticed the tile on the floor was crushed as if from an impact (trauma). Similarly, tiles on the walls were crumbling. There was also water (emotion) pooled on the floor and dripping down the far wall. The woman with me suggested we leave because it felt like the bathroom might collapse on top of us. I told her to wait and hurried to put on my shirt noticing my jeans were already on. The jeans were those from the 80’s (past issues) – high waist, puffy and stone washed. I could feel the sharp tile on my bare feet (cutting/painful issues).

When I awoke a song was going through my head – Toad the Wet Sproket’s Walk on the Ocean.

“Somebody told me this is the place where everything’s better and everything’s safe….”

The song seems to indicate I am seeking a safe place, somewhere where “everything’s better and everything’s safe.” I always did love that song. 🙂

Dream: Missed Wedding

In this dream I was talking to someone wearing earbuds standing outside on a city street. The date was discussed and I realized I had missed my best friend’s wedding (transition). I couldn’t remember how, though, and struggled to come up with an excuse thinking my actions unforgivable.

Suddenly, I remembered my mom (aspect of self) had given birth (new beginnings, growth) to a baby boy on the 21st. The date was the day before the wedding (the 22nd) so I thought I could use it as an excuse even though I was not in attendance at the birth. I remember talking to my best friend and telling her about the birth while looking at photos of her wedding. Somehow she with her a newborn baby of her own. I watched her tending to it as I told her I could come clean her house as a gift and to help out. In my mind I was confused, though, not knowing whose baby was born, my mom’s or her’s.

Healing Kundalini

I’ve been feeling a familiar feeling lately. It feels like something is coming. The feeling has been building. Sometimes I sense someone near me, like I am connecting to Spirit, but I am not sure it is Spirit. I feels more like timelines are crossed and as a result I am connecting with soul family somewhere else. It’s a telepathic connection, one I am experiencing more and more. It’s strange in a good way. I like it but it does require complete honesty, with self and others. It requires complete transparency; vulnerability. Most of all, it requires non-judgment. One must allow and embrace the experience or the connection is severed.

Last night I suspected something was up because I sensed a presence to my left. This is not unusual since my spiritual experiences from the get-to have involved mediumship. However, this ability has now morphed into telepathy and is not limited to those who have crossed over, or to guides and others of the spiritual plane. This presence was male and nonthreatening. I was not uncomfortable with his energy/presence.

This presence has visited before, though I have no name for him. I recognize how he feels. Every energy/individual has a specific feel about them, like energetic markers that distinguish them from others. All male energy feels similar but not all male individuals express it the same. The same goes with female energy.

I fell asleep with this male presence saying to me, “I will come to you.” Again, not surprising or concerning.


How this dream began is cloudy now. What I recall is viewing the profile of a classmate on while also talking to him while inside a large room with a stage in the center. It was like I was inside his profile, viewing his information which included details of his life from how many times he was married, the struggles and conflicts he faced, his career and financial situation, etc. It was very detailed! I could see the areas of his life where he allowed others in and the areas that were blocked. This was indicated by boxes one could select or deselect like you would see on a profile page. I was not clicking on anything, though, I was just viewing it all in my mind as he made comments and added clarity and detail.

In the dream I thought of him as a former high school classmate I knew, but I know he was not that person. He just looked similarly  – very tall with brown hair. I remember that he had been married three times, only one of those was considered a “good” relationship. He made an excuse about the number of times he had been married – like “I was young and dumb”.

Then he turned the whole thing around on me and began to view my profile. I was a bit embarrassed by this because I felt unprepared. I did not have near the details he did and it was obvious I had not updated it in a long time. My profile appeared as a large, scrapbook with pictures and information. The book was in my lap and I turned the pages as the man sat next to me commenting on it. He was very positive about it all, almost excited. I remember being embarrassed about a few things but he did not judge.

At one point the man took me on a tour of his home but all I recall about it is going outside onto his land. He told me he had inherited a large sum of money, enough to be secure the rest of his life. He bought a nice plot of land. It was beautiful with rolling hills and large oak trees. I remember telling him, “I almost bought property like this in Montana.” He said, “I am going to Montana!” I remember suggesting he rethink his decision. lol

Something I noticed was that his land was surrounded on all sides by apartment complexes (headed in the right direction in life). I commented on how unfortunate that was.

Then we went into a large, fancy restaurant (spiritual nourishment). It was circular (wholeness) shaped with windows (transparency) all around, like one of those rotating restaurants. I sat down with a female friend. Across the way I could see a man staring at us. The other woman, who looked a lot like me, said she knew the man. I believe he was the same man I had been with before only he looked much younger.

Then I was up walking around the perimeter of the restaurant. Inside the walls were small birds (ecstasy, balance, love). They were fascinating to me and I was distracted by them. So, I don’t remember much about this part of the dream.

Suddenly, I found myself outside in a parking lot (need to slow down). It was dark and very quiet. I was a bit disoriented not knowing if I was going out or in. I turned toward the building and walked inside into the lobby. I looked down at myself and saw that I was completely naked. I didn’t care, though, I was proud of my nakedness. The man from the restaurant came up to me, laughing and said something about my nakedness as he took a white tablecloth from a circular table and wrapped it around my naked body, pulling me toward him. I was close enough to see the details of his navy blue suit. He wrapped his arms around me and said, “Come to my bedroom tonight at 9.” I saw in my mind an image of a bedroom and felt his invitation throughout my entire body. I looked up at him and he kissed me passionately. A blissful energy shot through me and I completely surrendered to it. I remember thinking to him, “You know, I’m married….” lol After that I thought, “Of course, he does…”

When I woke the energy was still moving through my physical body. The man from the dream was communicating with me as I woke. I don’t remember much here except not being able to think properly. The bliss tends to freeze up my mind completely. He did say, “You need to slow down. You’re not ready yet.”

There is also this sense similar to how one feels when they are a virgin – completely new to the experience, trusting and curious. In moments of connection like this, I tend to open up completely, without fear – totally naked and vulnerable like my body appeared in the dream. In fact, I think my nakedness in the dream represented my openness to this man. He covered me in an attempt to mitigate the intensity of our connection, but I still felt it.

Two songs came to mind, one after the other, both by INXS (which I find odd). The first song lyrics were:

I’m lonely……..
So slide over here
And give me a moment
Your moves are so raw
I’ve got to let you know
You’re one of my kind

The second song lyrics were:

I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never tear us apart

The telepathic message was that we knew each other, were connected somehow, and that he could not wait to meet me. It felt so real, like he was right in the room with me. I can’t describe it anymore than that. There is so much more to these connections than I was aware of. Every time I experience them I am blown away.

Eventually his presence receded but not before my entire body was hit with waves of bliss. As his energy departed my heart chakra stung, as if a blockage was opening. He told me I wasn’t ready yet. I understood this to mean I have some blockages that still need to clear. I also understood that he was helping to heal them.

Dream: Hawaii

I fell back to sleep and had more odd dreams. One began with me laying on a blanket in a back yard. I could see the stars above me and knew I had been sleeping there for a few nights. I thought it odd that I was sleeping outside on the ground like that and thought of some friends who would find that appealing. In that moment I preferred to sleep there.

I got up and noticed the back porch had children’s coats (protection) all over the top of it. I told someone they should take them down before it rained and ruined them all. My daughter climbed up and got her coat.

Then I was at a resort in Hawaii (relaxation/leisure). It was dark outside. I traveled from the third floor to the second where the pool was. I had with me my phone camera but it was the old kind with film inside that you had to wind after each photograph. I could not get a good shot of the morning sky because the sun had not come up yet. One the way back I attempted to look at my pictures but they were all very old photos from other times in my life.

I remember walking over rocks (shaky ground), past a swimming pool (cleansing) and back to the top floor (higher level of consciousness). The stairs (progress) were crossed with roots and vines (emotion holding me back). I thought there was no way an older person could navigate it. When I made it to the top the owner was there. He was quite critical. He said, “You cost me too much!” I just watched as he struggled to navigate the stairs and said, “See! Even you can’t climb them!”

Then I was outside. It was daytime. In my arms I carried several tiny kittens (transition phase in life). They were squirming. I set them down with their litter mates. I saw lots of fluff and fur. Beside them I saw very tiny baby mice (insignificant matters). Fascinated, I commented on how tiny and colorful they were and how odd that the kittens weren’t eating them. I was told, “They are friends.”

Then the man from before walked past me. He said to me, “You cost too much!” He had around him a ball of hair clippings (loss of strength). The snippets of hair was falling off as he walked. I thought it odd.