Heal the Land and it Will Heal You

What a long weekend! This was the second weekend we’ve been at the new property working to clean, clear and prepare the land and home.

Friday and Saturday was junk removal. When they arrived they cleared the mobile home very quickly. It was almost an entire trailer load! They returned the next day and got another two loads from there. There is more, still, but progress is being made. Below is an image of just one of the loads of junk that was removed.

We met the neighbors (my husband had introduced himself when we first saw the land) and they offered to help. They are very nice. The wife is close to my age, the husband is 63 and already retired. They also have a pond and have really created a wonderful space. They have several cabins dotting the area with a pavilion, kitchen/bathroom area and stage for live bands. They use it once a year for a family reunion. I got a tour and it was impressive, exactly what my mom wants her property to be but sadly probably will never create. 

The husband is quite handy and built his own home. He owns a backhoe (or something close, I am not familiar with the name) and said he would be open to using it to help us. He and his wife even came over with their two riding lawnmowers and mowed a good portion of our land. The husband, Randy, mowed paths all over our property – to the pond, the the other buildings, along the fence and road. They also have a stocked pond and said our boys could fish and swim anytime. Since our pond is still not giving any fish (they are there but not biting I’m sure) I took the boys there and, after some coaxing since they are impatient, got them catching fish. Both are now super exciting about fishing and want to go back as soon as they can to fish some more. lol Both of my boys caught more fish than me and bigger ones even! There are bass, crappie, catfish and bluegill in abundance. They stock it and feed their fish often. They let us take some of the fish we caught to put into our pond. We are going to stock ours some point because we/they think our otters are eating up our fish.

The beehives are on the property now, too. We have eight and the beekeeper was very nice and navigated to our land without issue. I haven’t seen the hives yet because he asked us to not go around them that day because they tend to be grumpy after being moved. I will look at them next weekend and take pics. The beekeeper did say the hives will not be there to make honey. He uses them exclusively to help landowners get ag exemption. He said he may give us some of his other honey but he had a rough season last year and took losses. We are fine with whatever. He is a very nice and knowledgeable man. 

Anyway, the inside of the mobile home is completely cleaned out except for the stuff we opted to keep (construction supplies). It makes such a difference in the energy! My husband spent the entire first day fixing the water. First he fixed the intake from the pond. The previous owner told us the beavers have chewed off the floats in the past and so my husband swam out and, sure enough, no floats. The water was being sucked off the bottom of the pond which made it stink really bad. Once he fixed it the water was perfect! It was deceptive enough to cause us to almost accidentally drink it – oops! When the water was turned on to the home he discovered several leaks under that he fixed. I think there was 5 with one he has yet to fix because he thinks he might just need to do a full re-plumb of the whole home. He also got the hot water heater going. So we have running hot and cold water now that doesn’t smell like death! I am so, so thankful to my husband. The second bathroom is completely disconnected though. Also, while he was under the home he encountered a dead raccoon. It was freshly dead and huge! He and the boys buried it.

Friday night we stayed the night (with hot/cold, fresh water) and I, of course, was not tired. I was too excited about all the happenings of the day. When I did fall asleep I had an intense dream.

Dream: Mother Gaia

In the dream I was inside a bathroom with a heavy set woman. She asked for my help. She needed me to wipe her bum. She couldn’t reach it. I agreed, happy to help. When I wiped she winced. The poo had been there a while and she had “diaper rash”. I got her cleaned up and she was thankful. She then presented me with two DVDs or CDs saying they would help me. One was about Angels. I took it and told her thank you and hugged her. When I hugged her I could feel her voluptuousness wrap around me comfortingly. It felt like squishy blankets of love. I began to sob and sob, falling into her warm, squishy skin folds. The crying woke me and I continued to cry. 

My guidance was there and I understood why I was crying. I am still recovering from so much loss. However, I knew this mobile home experience – clearing and fixing it up – was a physical representation of my healing process. I was reminded of many, many dreams I’ve had in the past of being in mobile homes with unsteady foundations (like this one) and full of junk. All pointing to me feeling unsafe and needing to de-clutter emotionally and spiritually. When I woke I told my husband, saying I think the entire process of clearing the home and land is helping me clear my own “junk” and that repurposing the home will also be therapeutic in that it will guide me through my own rebuilding process. He agreed saying he felt similarly. 

The heavy set woman may have represented Gaia and her message was, “Heal the land and it will heal you.” Such love!

I was also told when I woke that “tomorrow” would be “magical”. I think it might be the day before the eclipse because I immediately thought of the Sunday before eclipse. How it will be magical, IDK. I did have a good day that morning, however, in that me and my boys had such a great fishing experience. Our neighbor, Sam (the wife), also seemed very interested in being around me. Her energy wasn’t needly or exhausting and we talked a while. When I told her about the land I almost started to cry and she understood because of her love for her land and her life. She says, “It’s heaven out here”. I told her I could tell before I even met her she was a very happy person. I heard her singing early in the morning as she gardened. When I was near her (she didn’t know I was there) I could sense she was genuine and good. 

I also sense my husband is falling in love with the land. His connection with the neighbor, Randy, also shows promise. He is all about connecting with people and he and Randy get along really well. I could sense that my husband might actually end up wanting to live out there some day. This caused me to cry a little thinking how the land might help him, too. He needs it,

So, overall a great weekend!

Here are some recent photos of the property. The snake is a plain bellied water snake. He was living under the boat alongside a field mouse. Ha! The big tree is an ancient Elm. Isn’t it magnificent?

Dream: Black Hole Sun (Eclipse)

I had a string of interesting dreams last night. But first, I want to share a vision I keep having. I’ve seen it both in dreams and upon waking. In the first one, a dream, I saw myself with blue painted fingernails and wearing blue clothing. I inspected my fingernails, noting the strange blue tinge and trying to figure out why they were blue. In the visions I’ve had, the last of which was last night, I saw myself with blue skin. 

At first, I thought it must be indicating a chakra, maybe the throat chakra, but this blue was not that color blue. Instead, it was lighter and seemed almost to glow.

My next thought was it was exactly the same color of the blue Hindu gods and goddesses. I did look up why the gods and goddesses of Hinduism are blue. Mostly the blue coloring is for Vishnu, meant to depict the color of rain clouds, so more of a steel gray, but sometimes it is brighter blue, like the color I have been seeing in my visions. Blue is the color of the sky and sea, one reflects the other and neither actually has any color at all. Thus, blue is the color of infinity. Hindu Scriptures declare the Ultimate reality to be inconceivable and inexpressible, beyond the grasp of the 5 senses. The only way to express the vastness (Brahman) which is Being, Consciousness and Bliss, is through the color blue.

So, in my vision, I seemed to become a blue goddess. Perhaps Kali?

Dream #1: Running from My Shadow

This dream was unexpected. I very rarely feel fear in my dreams now days but I definitely felt it coming on in this dream. I don’t recall many details now because it was so early in the night (woke at 11pm). What I most remember is that I was avoiding this negative entity that seemed like a giant shadow. It was trying to envelope me and I was resisting. There were many voices at the time, some my own, some my guides and some from this Shadow. The voices of the Shadow were recognizable and familiar. In fact, I’ve memory of chasing it away in my early twenties and calling it a “gin”. Towards the end of the dream I was putting up protection and pushing the negative voices out of my mind. I could sense a shield around my mind and, as I woke, my vision was filled with spheres of all colors floating and undulating as if alive (hypnagogia), indicative of entry into the OBE state. 

Dream #2: Classroom in my Bedroom

I returned to sleep and the next thing I recall is having students sitting all around me in my bedroom. I was still in bed, blanket up around me snugly, but didn’t seem to think it odd that my room was full of students. It was an English class and the teacher, standing near my door, told us that we had to do a research paper. She gave us two topics to choose from and left. Everyone paired up and began discussing their assignment. I sat up in bed, looking at them sitting on my floor and leaning up against my walls and window, and protested loudly about the assignment. I said that I didn’t think it was a good one. What teacher limits her students to only two topics? Why not allow us to explore topics we are most interested in? I then told them I was going to drop out of the class. I didn’t need it. I already had a masters and bachelor’s degree and was just taking the class out of boredom. A male student said he was, too. I asked him if he had a degree and he said no. I told him not to bother, telling him all the jobs I used my degrees for were miserable for me. Only when I decided to follow a different path did I find a very unexpected job that made me happy. He asked what it was and I said, “Accounting.” The entire class was listening attentively at this point and it seemed I might have helped some decide that college was not the right path for them. 

Dream #3: Black Hole Sun (Eclipse)

I didn’t categorize this as a Kundalini dream but it most definitely had elements of Kundalini energy. 

My husband and I parked in an unfamiliar driveway. I was driving but didn’t know how I got there. I immediately got out, finding myself under a large, open, red umbrella. I was wearing my pajamas – a pair of short shorts and a t-shirt – and was barefoot. Still confused, I looked up to a tree and saw a sweatshirt (protection) hanging on it. I pulled it down but then threw it back up not wanting to take something that wasn’t mine. Then my husband drove away and left me there. Not sure what to do, I panicked a bit. I had no phone or any way of contacting help. I felt lost. So, I wandered down the road looking for familiar sign posts. Nothing. 

Then I saw a big truck stop in the middle of the road. It opened its doors and out came hundreds of cats (feminine energy, sexuality). I stopped short and said, “Feral cats.” People were coming up and picking up the cats, though, leading me to believe they were not feral. I wandered closer, observing, and saw the cats were friendly. Still, I kept my distance.

As I turned to leave I saw a little boy crying. He was afraid of the cats. I comforted him and turned him towards the cats, telling him it was safe. I got an adult to assist and left the cats behind.

Then I was at a party. It was full of people I didn’t know, some speaking a language I didn’t recognize. I sat down and waited, still not knowing where I was. Then I noticed a man staring at me. With his stare came a strong, magnetic energy, one I was familiar with. I turned away, feeling immediately nervous, and then moved across the room to avoid him. In my hurry I bumped into my husband who had seen me avoiding the man. He laughed and told me, “He wants to take you into the bedroom.” I didn’t respond and found a corner to hide in.

Eventually the man found me. He came up to me, face to face, and put his left hand on my right shoulder. Our eyes locked and I froze. The energy was super intense and magnetic. It terrified me. The man wanted me to come with him. His energy beckoned me and I knew I would not be able to resist for long. This is when a woman said something to the man. I think she was his wife. He lingered and the woman asked me, “Are you married?” I nodded yes. She told the man to leave me be. He listened and left. I watched the woman for a bit. She was with another woman and a child of around 3 climbed into her lap. I finally went up to her and asked her about the man. Though I don’t recall our conversation, I recognized that she was his wife and they had an arrangement that allowed them to be with other partners.

Then there was a commotion and everyone rushed outside to the driveway. It was really crowded and the sky was a weird shade of reds and oranges. I looked up. Realizing it was the eclipse I averted my eyes. I saw the woman from earlier and went up to her. I could see the eclipse shadow on the concrete. It was nearly complete, a blackness surrounded by a rim of fire. The woman turned to me and we embraced and I sobbed and sobbed as she held me in her arms. The entire time the crazy energy of the eclipse was all around me.

Then there was a hush and I turned and looked up. The sun was mottled red like it was going to explode. 

Seeing the sun like this woke me. Tears were still in my eyes and a chorus from a song was going through my head: “Black hole sun won’t you come and wash away the rain…..”.

Discussion with Guides

After I woke, I couldn’t return to sleep. The energy from the encounter in the dream along with the emotional release at the end was hard to ignore. 

My guidance was close, asking me about how I felt in certain parts of the dream. Specifically, the part where my eyes locked with the strange man. I told them it terrified me. When asked why, it was hard to explain. I think it comes down to total loss of control and not knowing what will happen if that happens. Yet everything in me yearns to follow the feeling and let go completely, to hell with the unknowns that follow. That part of me, the part that yearns, terrifies me. 

When asked about how I felt when I was crying, I recalled a time in this life when I chose not to follow that yearning, choosing instead to complete a cycle/karmic contract. The feeling is beyond description. I recognized the feeling in the dream was the same – solid, unchangeable and full of regret. 

Then there was the visual of the sun there at the end. It felt like a warning, or at the very least a message. Memory of OBEs I had years ago came to mind. In those OBE’s I would see the sun and the moon coming closer and closer together but they never quite touched. If they had, there would have been an eclipse that looked like what I imagine a “black hole sun” would look like. Those OBEs were indicative of Union, or the merging of masculine and feminine, yin and yang, hieros gamos. 

I can’t help but connect the vision of seeing myself as a blue goddess with this last dream. Kali is the goddess of time, doomsday and death. She is worshipped as the Divine Mother and seen as a divine protector who brings liberation. During the discussion with my guidance about my feelings related to that intense, magnetic yearning of which I am terrified, it was relayed to me that “perhaps what lies on the other side is….liberation”.

Lucid Dream: Alternate Realities, Potential Timelines and Hopelessness

Woke super early, around 5am, once again disappointed that nothing interesting occured in dreamtime. The almost complete absence of spiritual experiences, dream adventures and other similar experiences is really taking a toll on me. It is causing a deep-seated depression and the longer it goes on, the more depressed I become. My guidance happened to be talkative at this time and asked what would make me have more interest in life. I told them to please bring back what I feel to have lost, otherwise I can’t think of anything in physical reality that would make me want to stay.

Somehow I returned to sleep and, not surprisingly considering what I had just requested, ended up in a semi-lucid dream experience.

My dream recall is hazy, unfortunately. The dream began with me waking up in an unfamiliar bed and bedroom, feeling very drowsy and wanting only to sleep. Yet I was being beckoned to explore the space and as soon I listened and opened my eyes, a brilliant light sparked flashed, lighting up the scene and a view of a bedroom came to life around me. As soon as I recognized the dream scene, the brilliance faded away into a more dull, gray scene, reflecting back to me my energy level/mood.

I lingered in bed and from here it is hard to remember the sequence of events. I either got up and explored the area, which turned out to be (not surprisingly) my Mom’s house where I spent my teenage years, or I was thrust into a dream within a dream which revealed to me an alternate timeline.

In the first case, I went into the main house where the energy was very uncomfortable, almost repellant. So, I went out into the front yard and felt immediate relief. I looked up into the sky and saw dark clouds but there was no threat of storm or rain. I heard a loud, rumbling noise that seemed very off, coming from the road, so I went to investigate. There was a massive machine seeming to be grating the road (the roads are paved). I vaguely recall launching myself up into the air and scanning the horizon for anything interesting. Finding nothing, I set my sights back to the house.

Then I was in the back yard. My younger sister was present as were my boys. When I saw my younger sister, I hugged her and was really pleased to see her. I haven’t seen or communicated with her in waking reality for over 16 years. She responded as if in a trance state, completely flat with wide open, unfocused eyes. I remember recognizing her to be me and not questioning it. I placed everyone into the shallow end of the pool (mentally, it was a dream decision) and jumped in with them. I went up to my sister and kissed her on the cheek. I believe I was attempting to cleanse/heal them all as well as myself, knowing that what one accomplished, so did the other. I also recognized that my sister was likely asleep both physically but also consciously, going through life sleep-walking like so many others in this reality.

In the other case, I found myself in an alternate reality, one that is likely just as real as my present life just in another timeline. I somehow knew this, yet found it very disorienting in the dream because I kept jumping from one to the other. In this alternate reality, I was in a psych hospital. Doctors were questioning me and I remember being unhappy because I was not being allowed to return to my “fantasized” reality in my mind, a place I went to escape the uncomfortable position I found myself in. So, I would shift back and forth between this psych ward questioning and the lucid dream of my present life reality. Most of my memory is of being shaken into awareness of this alternate reality, awaking to see the faces of worried doctors with lights flashing into my eyes, their voices sounding like distant echoes.

When these two experiences, seemingly happening simultaneously, ended, I “woke up” (genuinely thought I was awake) and began to write down what I had remembered. I wrote the message in the air with my mind. I heard a male voice as well as my own repeat it back to me. The message was (and there was Knowing with it): “We are all sharing (in) the same dream. We are America’s humanity.” The Knowing is hard to describe now but it was quite clear in the dream, one of those ah-ha moments where I Remembered something my human self forgot. Basically, what the dream experience was reminding me was that we are all connected. Each of our experiences has a ripple effect on the other (think the Matrix). What one heals, also heals another. What one learns, so does another. As one becomes more aware (like lucid in a dream), so then does another increase in awareness, though not necessarily on the same level, more in increments. There was also this Knowing of dimensions and timelines layered one on top the other, interconnected in such a way that confused my human mind.

I was shown scenes from my own life during this time as if to illustrate how this occurs. The memory that appeared to me was when I worked in the alternative school. I was pregnant with my second child. A student who had just had a baby was threatening to me so I asked the administration to put officers in my room. The student had said something (as I remembered anyway) about kicking me in the stomach. I got the officers and the student later told me she would never hurt a baby because she was a mother. She seemed sincere. When this memory came to me, I understood that this incident registered to the student subconsciously and changed her perspective which then changed her life trajectory.

Still thinking I am awake, I felt the familiar sensation of shifting OOB and so opted to go with it. The scene I found myself in was a court room. In front of me was a judge with a gavel. As I watch the court room and judge, my guidance was talking to me, their words blending with the dream scene and into the background. The judge was ruling in favor of a system that had a name I cannot recall now. The ruling was in favor of buying and selling data, personal data specifically. I then saw what looked like a barcode and heard the name of this system. I only recall it had a “J” name and I was told it was the name of the inventor, but the system was not called by that name. This barcode would be put on people.

Hopeless

When I woke recognized the messages and dream experience but was not very pleased with it all because it had not been the kind of lucid dream I preferred where the colors, events and sensations were ultra-real and vivid. It was, instead, more like a regular dream memory, fading quickly. My guidance was there and I remember feeling a question, “Do you understand?” I replied that I did. My actions directly impact others regardless of whether I choose to participate in life or not. All this stems from me wanting to hermit away from everyone, withdraw and wait until death removes me from this place. Thus, the “sleepy” feeling in my dreams. My lack of desire to participate in life has led to withdrawal far beyond the physical. I was asked to shift my focus from myself to others, i.e. “help”. But I’ve had so many losses in trying to help that I have given up trying. There is also this overwhelming sense that my help is like a raindrop falling into a vast ocean, a vast ocean of sewage. It all seems so pointless.

Dream with ET and Message

Before going into this dream, I wanted to share something that happened a couple of weeks ago. My youngest son lost his watch in the back yard because he took it off when jumping on the trampoline. He only told me when it was near bedtime. Still, I went out with flashlight in hand to search for it. No luck. He was very upset to the point of crying. It broke my heart. I reassured him I would look in the morning and this seemed to reassure him.

The next morning I went outside to look. Still no luck. I took a break to do something else, all the while thinking, “Where is it?” I heard an answer back, “It’s by a tree.” I ignored it but heard it again and then again. So, figuring I had nothing to lose, I went back out, this time focusing on further away from the trampoline. The first tree I checked – nothing. But, just as I was told, there was the watch right next to the second tree. Yay! My son was so happy when I gave it to him later that day.

This kind of Spirit help don’t happen often. In fact, I can’t think of another example quite like this one.

So, onto the dream…..

Dream: Anon 11 and Message

In the dream I was in a car feeling sleepy. There was a woman in the back seat with me and a man in the front. The woman looked different, so I took notice. She was very pale, almost white, and completely bald. Her eyes were a bit larger and somewhat slanted with Asian-like eyelids. Her nose and mouth were small and she had a tiny, pointy chin. Her ears were what was really odd. There were small ridges where the top of the ear was, almost like her human ears had been absorbed into her head. Where the opening to the ear would be was a thin, yellowish membrane. Below that was a circular lump about the size of a large mole that was a bit more orange. Somehow I knew that this ear membrane and lump were how the woman sensed her surroundings. She saw via her ears as well as with her eyes. She could also hear what I could not. Somehow I knew that if her membrane were covered it would be a kind of torture for her. It appeared that the man and her were “together”. I observed them communicating without words. She curled into a ball and went dormant (also normal for her) and the man and I communicated for a bit. IDK what we said now but the car disappeared. The next thing I remember was standing with them both and referring to them as my parents. The woman commented that it wasn’t quite the right word for who they were to me. They both seemed extremely amused by my comment. 

At some point I became more lucid. I asked her name and heard, “Anon 11”. When I asked where she came from I got something I couldn’t understand. I was then shown something by being taken to a “rest room”. At first it resembled a human restroom, at least the door and size did. But when I went inside, a membrane wrapped itself around me on all sides. I was hoisted up horizontally and the ends twisted until I was snug inside, like in a cocoon. I began to lose lucidity because I didn’t quite understand what I was being shown. I lost time at this point. Maybe I fell asleep? I felt someone put their hand on my right shoulder in bed and shake me gently. It seemed like their message was, “Wake up!” I ignored it, rolling further onto my left side, feeling groggy. This is when I heard, “There will be retaliation against the US in June.” This woke me up and I couldn’t return to sleep. 

Considerations

The ET in the dream was very curious to me and so most of the dream was me trying to memorize her appearance. Her ears reminded me of an amphibian’s ears; a tympanum. Her energy was soothing and calm. Observing her sleep was interesting. She curled up into a tight ball, so she must have been very limber. She was about my height and her skin had a bit of a shimmer to it. She was beautiful in her own way, though very odd for sure. 

The name Anon was pronounced Ann-on. I wish I could remember the odd name of her origin. I have no idea about the membrane cocoon or what it means. Perhaps it relates to my sleep patterns lately? I am sleeping longer and deeper than usual and have been for over a year.

The message about retaliation against the US woke me because it was believable. My first thought was that those in power want war so that the current president has a better chance of staying in power. It is rare that the American people vote out a US president during wartime. It would be exactly the kind of political manipulation expected in times like these. I saw a quote on FB the other day – “War is young men dying and old men talking”. ~ FDR. Sigh.

Later, I told my daughter the about the ET and her name. She asked, “9-11?” I repeated the name. She said, “It sound like 9-11 to me.” I hadn’t even thought of the that. I find it interesting that Anon 11 sounds like 9-11 and then I got a message about retaliation.

Dream Hints at Future Kundalini Changes

Woke feeling good this morning. 🙂

Dream: Electric Fireplace

I was in a large house with family. My uncle was there as was my mom and siblings, though I never saw them. Also, my uncle didn’t look like my real life uncle. I mentioned how I wanted to replace all the old furniture in the home. Someone pointed out there was already new furniture. I saw a new sofa and tables. I said I only wanted to replace the old stuff. Then a replacement of the fireplace was brought up by my uncle. The fireplace was located in the middle of the house, between the kitchen and living room. he suggested we put in an electric one. He had a price quote and everything. I just remember looking at the part of the quote indicating they demolished the old fireplace to put in the new one. It was around $1900. I asked if there was any way to keep the old one in case we changed our mind and wanted a regular fire. I was told, “No”. I looked at the old, brick and mortar fireplace and imagined a new, high-tech electric one in its place. The fire burned steady and blue rather than red/orange and inconsistent. I knew there was another regular fireplace upstairs located in the master bedroom because I saw it in my mind/memory. I told my mom she could move her bedroom up there. I knew she disagreed and wanted a real fire in a real fireplace. I also suggested every one’s bedrooms be moved upstairs.

Interpretation

My “uncle” in this dream is likely a guide. I’ve had other dreams with him acting as a guide, so that makes the most sense. My suggestion to change the furniture in the house represents “ideas I rest upon”. These ideas depend on the type of furniture. The kind I imagined was mostly living room furniture, so I may have been looking to change my ideas and beliefs related to home/family. It was pointed out that I’d already replaced some, meaning I’ve made progress in this area.

The replacement of a regular fireplace with an electric one is likely related to the Kundalini. Fire can be a symbol of desire but it can also represent feelings of love (bliss) and comfort. To replace a regular fireplace, or a place where fire can be kindled and burn, with an electric one, where another kind of fire can burn, suggests a change in the Kundalini. My best guess is that my guidance is indicating a less intense Kundalini is on the way, one that burns consistently. Blue, as a color, is typically considered cool and calm, like water. The color could also hint at the Kundalini being more feminine in nature, as in the flowing nature of the Divine Feminine.

Overall, the dream felt good and when I awoke the symbolism of the fireplace was immediately at the forefront of my mind. My thoughts went to the differences between real and electric fire/flame to try and get an understanding of what was being communicated to me. If the new fireplace is calmer, cooler and more consistent, it could mean a smoother ride altogether, which fits with what I’ve read/heard about the Kundalini end stages.

Dream: Singing to Myself

I had a short dream after this one where I was laying on a couch. Behind me there were others trying to sleep. Songs popped into my mind and I suddenly wanted to sing. So, I did. At first, I tried to be quiet but the music couldn’t be contained and my whisper of a song soon was at full volume. It felt wonderful to sing, too. The first song that came out was a country song I recognized but that had been altered to a more pop/dance version. The only part I remember is “goodbye”. When I sang it, I knew it was a message I was singing to myself. 

When finished with that song, another popped into my head. It was reminiscent of Evanescence. It had a melancholic feeling to it. Yet singing it felt just as good as singing the other song, which was more upbeat. Unfortunately, I don’t remember the words to this song, but the sense I have with me now is that it was a song telling a love story and, again, it ended with “goodbye”. 

Within the singing, I began to grow more lucid. I didn’t wake up in the dream, which is typical of me these days. Instead, I stayed stable in the dream, allowing it to progress. I feel like I do this so as to allow my HS to come through. It’s as if I go into a “dream trance”. 

There was another mention of “goodbye” and I remember saying, “I don’t want to die”. This was repeated, as if someone was questioning me. In the dream, as the observer, I remember questioning the statement because it was clear something unpleasant was being discussed. No one likes goodbyes. Yet the feeling was not sad at all. 

Then I overheard myself saying a couple of other things. I told myself, “Just because you don’t ‘own it’, doesn’t mean it’s not real”. And I also said, “I pretended to be blind rather than see the truth”. 

These two statements were made at different times, but it felt like the topic had to do with my previous responses to the Kundalini. Specifically that I attached meaning to the Kundalini experience when the Kundalini experience itself cannot be conceptualized. Both statements indicate an unwillingness to see something, probably because I did not want to accept the truth. 

Song

The following song lyrics have been popping into my mind the past two days: “Oh sometimes, I get a good feelin’. I get a feelin’ that I never, never, never had before. I get a good feelin'”. When I think of the song, I feel positive and hopeful for the future. It is so nice!

Kundalini Dream and Advice

Another Kundalini heart bliss dream.

The beginning of the dream was odd. I think I was part of an orgy type situation, either that or filming a pornographic film. There were several others with me and mostly I was asked to give fellatio to one of the men. It was not especially enjoyable and I don’t remember too much except the oddness of the situation. What I do remember vividly was the chakra activations, they were numerous and all over. It was like I was being calibrated.

The scene shifted and I was standing on the porch at the front door of a small, single-wide mobile home. Outside was a hook. I placed my backpack on it as if I had been there many times before. I heard movement inside and thought it curious because no one should be inside. Opening the door, I called out to whoever was inside. A small, dark haired boy about the age of 8-9yrs old appeared and I questioned him. I don’t remember what he said now but I think he was a friend of the man who owned the home and had permission to come and go as he pleased. 

Then I was talking to a man. I don’t know what happened to the boy. Maybe he was the man? Anyway, the man was walking around in the kitchen preparing a meal. I watched him from a distance. He was talking as if he knew me well, smiling and laughing. In my memory, him and the space he occupied seemed to glow with golden light. I recall feeling a bit shocked and overwhelmed. What was this? Where was I? And who is this man?? I felt I knew the man, like we had been or were a couple. While he talked, I struggled with Kundalini energy. It was all over but mostly centered in my chest area. The feeling was exactly as I remember, an overwhelming love that takes your breath away and knocks you to your knees (literally). So as he talked, my mind was full of questions and confusion at the situation I found myself in.

The man mentioned how he was considering dating again. I said to him in almost a whisper, “Please don’t.” He paused, looked me right in the eyes and said, “Okay”. Then he went back to preparing his food. It was a rotini pasta dish of some kind, covered in marinara and mozzarella cheese. It looked yummy. He took a bite and asked, “You sure you don’t want some?” I smiled, feeling out of breath from the love pouring through me, and said, “Yeah, no, I had pizza earlier.” He continued to eat and talk, but I can’t remember what he said after that.

My dream visuals shifted at this point. I think because I started becoming lucid from all the bliss and the questions flooding my mind. The heart bliss was intense! I remember asking, “What is happening to me?” There was also a visual of a man’s face. It was placed in front of me like a photo except that it took up my entire visual field. The man was young, like mid-twenties, with dark hair. What I was seeing was a younger version of him; he currently looked older – different. I knew he had a mustache, beard or both. 

When I finally woke I was speaking with a guide who had asked me what I was feeling. What he wanted me to focus on was my reaction to the heart bliss. The heart bliss, while amazing and beautiful, is also somewhat scary, mostly because I feel like I lose myself in it. The heart bliss holds me in a sort of tractor beam state and I am only able to “move” when it releases me.

It was also clear that I was being given these little heart bliss episodes to slowly reintroduce me to something that caused me huge turmoil in the past so that I can build up the courage to confront whatever still lingers to be healed. Sadly, my dreams reveal I am still freezing up and freaking out a bit, and, as I did the first time it happened (2015) , asking, “What is happening to me?” When I woke and realized I had asked that question again I laughed a little. I have no idea why the dream version of me keeps asking it. It is obvious what is happening. I am getting exactly what I asked for.

Dream Message 

I struggled to return to sleep but somehow did and found myself in another dream. The main focus of the dream was a man I know in waking reality. He was there with his kids trying to use my printer to make copies of some kids playing cards. I told him the printer was not connected to the computer yet and laughed, calling myself lazy. He then walked over to the edge of the room and just observed, clasping his hands behind his back. He seemed completely content as he stood there. After a while, I asked him what he was doing. He said he was practicing. I can’t recall the word he used to describe what he was practicing but in the dream I understood that he was being careful to not be distracted. I told him that I could see the value in that because I, too, struggle with being easily distracted. 

What the man said and my response to him ultimately woke me up when I recognized the message in it. I have received this message before. I believe, in this instance, the message was that I can avoid the overwhelm of the heart bliss by simply observing it rather than becoming the effect of it. Basically, I just need to surrender to it. 

Dream Message: Look for the Positive in the Pause

It’s not often these days that I have a dream that lasts most of the night. Nor one that has so much symbolism and a unique message.

Dream Part 1: Clearing the Closet

The dream began at a house that reminded me of the mobile home my dad lived in when I was little (7-8yrs). With me were about four or five others, all “roommates” or so it felt that way. My friend, Angela, was one roommate. I remember feeling like I got along well with most if not all of them. I was proud of this because it is not usual for me to feel comfortable in such a big group. 

In the living room area I met with my friend and told her how people were beginning to call me up just to talk, also something unusual. It was surprising to me but also made me feel good because it is so rare that people want to talk to me about anything these days. 

One of the group members was talking about how they were all counselors and asking how we were all doing with our “work”. I kept quiet, unsure if I should speak up because when I speak it is often followed by an unusual quiet and awkward feeling from groups. I do much better one-on-one. Eventually, I got up the courage to speak and told them how I am trained as a counselor but working in finance. I explained that numbers don’t judge like people do. Numbers are simple and straight-forward. They never lie. People are complicated and numbers aren’t. I felt my words were my truth and then felt relief in knowing my current work was exactly what I needed at this time in my life.

I left the group and walked towards the bedroom but this bedroom was my old one at my Mom’s house. The room had two closets and I opened one up to look for some of my old things. I found that the door had been painted. About six equally sized boxes had been painted on the door panel. The first two boxes at the top were complete. They had images of an owl and seemed to be a storyline. I told my friend it was upsetting to me that someone had taken over the closet without telling me. I could see a long, plastic box on the top shelf indicative of someone’s moving storage. I was looking through the clothing and showing my friend various items while telling her that most of the things in the closet were very old and I needed to sort through and clear the closet anyway. The clothing were little girl’s dresses and various adult women’s dress shirts. My friend left and return telling me she knew who was using the closet and had shared my concerns with them. 

Then the woman who was using the closet came and we talked. I told her that the other closet in the room use to have my dad’s old things in it. I specifically mentioned his scuba gear and how we kept his regulator in there. I looked and couldn’t find it among the other things. The woman said she scuba dived and was a level 2. I said my dad was a master instructor and told her I hadn’t been diving in years because I had no partner/buddy. You always dive with a buddy.

Dream Part 2: Cliff Diving

Then I was standing on a rocky cliff overlooking dark water. The water was quite a ways down. The woman from the closet was with me. I don’t know what we talked about but I still recall thinking of clearing out the closet in my old bedroom and thinking how I didn’t need to hold onto any of that stuff anymore. Then me and the woman both jumped over the side of the cliff. Rather than falling into the water we floated and flew through the sky, never touching the water’s surface. I remember hearing music and singing as we flew together. I was feeling quite high and happy. The woman reached her hands out to me and I grabbed them and she flipped herself over me and then invited me to do the same. I did and continued to sing along with the music. 

Then we were back on the top of the rocky cliff overlooking the dark water. I felt very friendly with her and got a strange questioning feeling from her. I told her I just wanted her as a friend and she said, “As long as I don’t have to listen to jazz music”. I laughed and told her I didn’t like jazz anyway and listed some other types of music – classic rock, alternative, folk, etc. She was in agreement and smiled. 

Our discussion must have gone to scuba diving again because I had a flash of being underwater with the woman and some others. The water was dark but I could see. I was deep down and became concerned that my air was running low. I also couldn’t see the rest of the group. This made me panic and I instantly blinked back to the cliff. 

Dream Part 3: Message to a Friend

I noticed a house across from me and decided to go to it. The house was two stories and had fallen leaves all over the front lawn. I could see some lawn chairs to the left as if there had been or would be a gathering there. I was transported instantly to the front door with just a thought and then, when I decided to go in, a white tunnel opened up. I don’t recall going through the tunnel, just intending to and then I was on the other side in the back yard of the house.

There was a paved path with soft lit lamps that glowed orange-yellow. Again, there were fallen leaves all around. I saw my friend Angela sitting on a bench all by herself, the lamp illuminating her silhouette. She had her hands cupped in her lap and was staring intently into them. I approached her and paused realizing there was a flat, disc shaped object hovering over her cupped hands. I recognized she was seeking guidance and whispered, “Oh, I won’t disturb you”. I walked a short distance away and waited. Not long after she looked up at me, inviting me to approach. Her mood was low and she seemed deeply concerned about something. I paused, waiting for her invitation to speak. She got up and motioned for me to follow her. She said nothing, keeping her head down as she walked. I stayed close, realizing my company was comfort enough.

The paved path curved around and took us into what looked like a college campus. Ahead I could see a kind of pavilion with curved, concrete seating. Others were seated there. My friend went and sat with them. I recognized them to be the same people from the house earlier in the dream with one exception. There was an older woman there I didn’t recognize but who seemed familiar. Her hair was completely white with a few streaks of darker gray. It was long, wrapping around her neck and falling down her chest. Her face showed no emotion and was deeply etched with wrinkles.

My friend sat in the middle facing the group, the old woman sat close to her on her left. She was seeking guidance from the group. She said something about school starting and preventing her from doing something she really wanted to do. There was also a mention of “cancer” but it seemed to hover above the other words as if it was subconscious or an after thought. Honestly, it was like her words floated over her head and were not spoken, if that makes any sense. 

I replied by saying, “When I’m experiencing a pause, I try to find the positive…”, but I was interrupted by the older lady. She snapped at me, saying to me that I had no right to tell my friend to look for the positive in the situation, that saying so was rude or made less of my friend’s struggle somehow. I instantly recoiled, feeling the full extent of the woman’s emotion and immediately began to cry from the onslaught. I told the old lady, “I just meant, ‘Look for the positive in the pause’.” The old lady snarled back at me. My first impulse was to leave but my friend spoke up, telling her old lady friend that she was not upset and valued my input. Before I could leave, the old lady made a loud huffing sound, got up from her seat and left. 

The whole group sat in silence and watch my friend. My friend looked to the group and asked, “Is there anything positive? Can you tell me?” She seemed genuinely curious to know. I still felt awful and was contemplating the old woman’s reaction and energy. I am so use to reactions like the woman’s and remember thinking, “Why does this always happen?”. I recognized the woman was fiercely protective of my friend and that was what caused her to react in such a way. She was also quite possessive. So, her energy onslaught made sense. Even so, I was still reeling from the “attack” and soon woke up, unable to free myself from it.

Considerations

Thankfully when I woke I wasn’t emotional at all. I understood where the woman was coming from and that her reaction was protective and motherly. Mostly, it’s the message I had to give my friend that hit home. This time is, for many, a “pause”. What is paused? I think it may vary but for me, at least, the pause is that I feel spiritually stagnant, as if that part of my journey is on hold.

Other parts of the dream seemed significant. The fact that the first and second houses reflected memory of similar houses in my lifetime is not lost on me. The first house was my dad’s mobile home from way back when I was around 8 years old. So maybe it reflects an area of my life that I still have not cleared? The next home may also reflects a time in my life that may require additional clearing. The closets have yet to be sorted and cleared. The clothing items indicate a time in my youth as well as part of my adulthood, specifically times when I wore dress shirts (probably when I was a teacher). It almost seemed like I was traveling through my life, inspecting certain times that needed tweaking.

Then the whole scene with the woman flying over the water was quite distinct. I wish I had been more lucid! The flying was a blast! The scuba diving portion was a discussion about diving deep into the unknown subconscious and confronting it. I went under the water but my fears kept me from lingering too long. My fears seemed to be running out of air (feeling suffocated or overwhelmed) and losing my group (being alone). I also mentioned how I didn’t do any diving because I didn’t have a partner, indicating I felt I needed help.

The last portion of the dream might be relevant to my friend. I won’t know until I tell her, though. However, the message I gave her was not just for her. I do think many of us are experiencing a “pause”.  

The old lady’s reaction reminded me of why I hesitate to speak. The reactions I get from others can be horribly upsetting to the point that I have to excuse myself so I don’t humiliate myself further by bursting into tears. The end and the beginning of the dream both show me using my voice. I find it interesting that the first left me feeling good because it revealed my truth and the second was the opposite. Just goes to show that I need to feel out the group before I speak. 

Melancholy is Beautiful

Sorry I’ve been so quiet lately. SO much has been going on with me and I have just not felt inspired to write about it. I’ve also let so much time pass between posts that I am overwhelmed by the amount of “stuff” to write about. There is just SO much!

I don’t even remember what I’ve shared on here and what I haven’t. lol So, if I repeat something – sorry!

Firstly, this entire year has been a dark one for me. Dark in that I have been going through a kind of “gauntlet” of emotional and physical crap. What seemed to be a complete lack of “spiritual adventure” in my life was in fact the opposite! The entire time, unbeknownst to me, I have been changing. I’m still not sure what the end result will be, but I am starting to get glimpses of it. Thank God!

The majority of the dark, heavy stuff began in March. It was a mixture of emotional purging and random physical ailments. I got a message around that time via a dream that a period of change was approaching that would take “100 days”. I didn’t heed the warning, but then, how could I? I had no idea what was coming.

Emotional: Geez! There is too much to put here. Let’s just say I had many, many emotional dreams where I would wake in tears. Often I didn’t even remember the dream that precipitated the tears. Other times I would wake up fixated on some repetitive issue in my life. Then there was the anger. OMG so angry! And when the anger subsided I was anxious and felt completely off. There was no reason or rhyme to any of it. Trying to make sense of it was pointless and only made the experience worse.

Physical: I think I wrote about my heart palpitations, anxiety, extreme tiredness, deeper than deep sleep, and itchy skin with no known cause. Well, all have seemingly resolved – to a point. I had to cut out caffeine altogether and I love coffee. I’ve been drinking decaf for months (it’s okay I guess). Alcohol is also a big no-no, but then I am not a big drinker. I had to increase my turmeric dosage, use prescription cortisone medication, take cool baths nightly and slather myself with Aquaphor for weeks to get rid of the random, angry rashes on various parts of my body. The tiredness was concerning in the beginning. I worried I had anemia or some other condition (could I have cancer?). Now, I feel pretty much back to normal – almost. I still feel like I have to take it easy but I don’t know why. I’ve stopped questioning and coming up with reasons to stay active. Now, if I feel like I should ease up, I do.

August 4-7: Sudden horrible insomnia hits! To go from deeper than deep sleep to no sleep was quite a shock. At first I blamed it on my birthday and being older, but then it stretched out for four nights and each night I had less sleep. The last night I got 1 hour of sleep and had a massive emotional meltdown, crying to the point of not being able to breathe. I ended up seeking out my husband and just having him hold me as I cried (not normal for me). Then, when I thought I was done crying, it happened again and then one more time. You would think I would be exhausted after that? Apparently not. I had one hour of semi-sleep and then it was time to wake up. Interestingly, we were on a family vacation to Washington when my good sleep returned. Oh and the last remnants of itchy spots disappeared on that trip, too.

Messages In-Coming

Since I’ve been back from vacation I’ve had an uptick in messages coming in. Most come in via the environment but occasionally I get a voice message “download” as I wake.

Dimes. I kept coming across dimes on the ground. It was almost daily to the point that I started taking notice. Then, one morning as I woke, I saw a visual of a dime dropping and heard, “Everything can change on a dime”. I’ve not seen anymore dimes after that.

Animal Encounters.
Great horned owl: I had a visit from a great horned owl not long ago. It was night and I was sitting outside when it flew from the ground to the fence and then sat there looking at me.
Squirrel: Found a baby squirrel on the sidewalk. He looked dead but when I touched him he squealed and squirmed. No mom or nest in sight. I was walking my dog so called and had my husband send the kids with a blanket. They came, I scooped up the tiny baby and took her home. Though I know how to raise baby squirrels (did it as a kid), I decided to take her to a rehab center.
Toads: Found a toad near his burrow while watering the garden. Later, I found a dead toad, entrails all pulled out, on my back porch. When I told my kids, my son said he had played with a toad for a long time that day and had also seen the dead one. We thought the toad from the burrow and the dead one were the same but today (a few days later) I saw the toad by his burrow again.
Bunny: This morning I was watering my garden and a baby bunny hopped out, fearless. I went and touched it and it squealed and ran to hide. I left it alone since it was obviously old enough to survive on its own.

Memories. Had a sudden, vivid memory come to me along with a message. The memory was from when I was around 7 years old. I had IBS and that particular day I was playing and was hit hard with cramps. My guidance told me, “Slow down and relax.” I don’t actually recall the exact words but I stopped, relaxed and took deep breaths. The IBS pain went away and I went back to playing. The message with this memory was to do the same in my life now – Slow down, relax and breathe.

Songs. The first one: “Stop chasing shadows, just enjoy the ride.” Then: “Stuck under water. I just need some space.” Finally, Sia: “I’m in here. Can anybody see me? Can anybody help?”

Understanding

Had a dream last night in which I was traveling to Montana. The woman with me was driving and I was in the passenger seat. She stopped and told me to keep the car where it was but she didn’t put it in park. I kept the car where it was by drawing a red circle around it. The circle was tiny, leaving no room for movement, and so kept the car in place. When the woman returned she scowled and asked me why I didn’t drive the car. I said, “I’m not here to drive someone else’s car. I’m here to sleep (dream).” LOL

When I woke up I was smiling about the dream. I’ve been attempting to “drive” everyone’s car but my own. It’s time to drive MY car. There was Knowing with this, like my guidance was telling me, “It’s time”.

The Sia song was in my mind, also. It feels like MY song. My guidance said, “It’s beautiful” and I was reminded of various times in my life when I have been sad but in that sadness was immense beauty. Beauty that was indescribable. The darkness, the sadness, was beautiful to experience because within it was every other emotion and experience. I began to cry, but not from sadness itself, but because I could feel it – ALL OF IT – every emotion all at once. So beautiful!

More memories flooded in, memories of songs I’ve written, paintings I’ve painted, poems I’ve written, dances I’ve danced – all inspired by darkness and melancholy. And my Human Design came to mind. I only have one defined channel, the 1-8 channel of inspiration. This is a channel that finds inspiration from long periods of melancholy. Melancholy is all I consistently know and experience. It is my gift. It is my inspiration.

I recalled another message I received upon waking that I had long forgotten. I was told, “Sing!” the minute I recalled it, memories came one after the other, all of times when I was singing. When I sing I feel correct. I feel “high”. In fact, I use singing when OOB to raise my vibration because that is what singing does.

As I was receiving all of the above I was hearing and thinking, “I am beautiful”. So often I’ve rejected my melancholic tendencies because other people and society reject them. Not anymore. My melancholy is beautiful. My melancholy is my inspiration.

Lucid Dream Message: Pay Your Dues

Wonderful lucid dream this morning.

Dream: Following Neil

The dream began as a non-lucid dream. I was at my house tending to my front garden which had become overgrown with tall weeds. I began pulling them one-by-one and tossing them to the side. Some were tangled up in lights and so I had to pause and pull the wires out. When I was finished, the pile was a pretty good size. 

A group arrived and I invited them all in for ice cream. I told them I had a ton of Blue Bell ice cream leftover after pulling the weeds. The group came inside and happily ate the ice cream. A woman I seemed to know thanked me and asked me about a certain person who was like a counselor to me. I remember recognizing what I was doing was way out of character. I wouldn’t invite a large group of people into my house like that, especially these kind of people. I identified them as members of a special church group who my husband associated with. 

Then my SIL arrived with her kids. One of them was climbing around in my freezer and I asked her to get out because it wasn’t safe. I noted the strangeness of the situation, which then got stranger. A large bus drove through the house and down the hallway and stopped. The woman from the church group got out and asked me about the place we were in. I realized it was an entire room I had forgotten existed. I told her something about how when we don’t go to a place frequently enough, we forget it exists. She asked me to clarify and I explained that I hadn’t been in that room for so long I forgot it was there. Then I turned and realized the room was an entire house of it’s own with a kitchen, master bedroom with ensuite and everything. I told the woman I had been advised to cut it off from the main house and rent it out as an apartment. I liked the idea.

We all went back outside and I watched the bus leave, noting the pile of weeds I’d pulled earlier was still there. That’s when Neil arrived. I knew him instantly and even called him by name. This was the man who was like my counselor that the woman had mentioned earlier. He was a plain looking, tall, slender man with graying hair and a nice smile. I felt a familial connection to him and tried to get close to him because it felt so nice to be around him.

He invited me to run with him and took off down the street. I followed but he ran straight into a busy intersection that was full of people (no cars). I stopped and ran perpendicular to him. I lost sight of him more than once and eventually saw him through the crowd. I ran towards him but again lost him. I felt my energy shift and my vision blacked out.

Lucid Dream: Pay Your Dues

I ended up inside a restaurant. Neil was gone but I felt him with me and could hear and talk with him inside my mind. This is when I realized I was dreaming. I was contemplating the dream up until that point and remembered the house from the dream was a creation from another reality. I remembered it in great detail and this brought me to almost full lucidity because it was a kind of ah-ha moment for me.

Sitting at a booth located under a large window, I noticed a woman sitting alone across from me. She was blonde and young but had a full go-tee of blonde stubble. She often stroked it with her hand. She was preparing to eat and had a full array of food and even a bottle of wine in front of her. I felt like she must be lonely and contemplated going over to befriend her. That’s when I noticed she wasn’t alone. She had a female companion with her. 

Then a large man with a tray full of food walked over near me but fell and some of his food slipped into his big belly, spilling all over him. He then sat down almost right next to me. His daughter followed and sat across from him. He got out a large bottle of tabasco and poured half of it on her food and then the other half on his. She took a bite. I couldn’t help but comment, saying if I ate that it would kill me. The man laughed and said it would kill most people.

My energy shifted again and my vision blacked out. I willed myself back to the dream.

I picked up a menu and began to read it. The words moved and formed messages that once read rearranged themselves into different words. I watched the words in amazement, taking note of the messages as best I could but forgetting the majority of them. I spent a while reading the menu. My face soon became wet with tears. I felt a sense of great love from the messages but there was also a hint of sadness and homesickness. I remember Knowing the message was that I have to stay in this physical reality. In fact, a very clear message appeared in writing on the menu at this time. It said, “Pay your dues”. 

Eventually, the menu letters stopped moving and I put it down. I got up and walked to the bathroom and stood in front of the bathroom mirror to put on makeup. In my hand I found a circular compact. When opened it contained some face powder and a small applicator. I looked up at the mirror and saw my reflection but didn’t focus on it too long because I noted my face was warping and shifting, making me seem much less like myself. I looked back down at the compact and spoke with Neil. I think I asked him where he was. He explained how he “borrowed” energy to look as he did but sometimes that energy isn’t available, which was the case in that moment. He also said he preferred to be “invisible” because he’s scared me in the past. I got the feeling he might look like an “alien” and so understood why I might get scared.

The mirror in the bathroom was one that opened up to reveal a cabinet inside but inside wasn’t a cabinet. Instead it contained more messages. Again, the words appeared, I read them and then they vanished. Whatever I read again made me cry. The tears were slow and steady and the feeling I had was strong disappointment like a sulky child. I decided to look at the compact in my hand and noted there were two sides. When I opened the other side the powder was cracked and crumbling and the applicator was dirty. 

Messages

I woke but remained in reverie for a while talking with Neil. He seemed to be leaving and said, “See you soon” and I asked, “What does that mean? Does it mean I will go Home soon?” He chuckled and said, “No”. He then asked me about something I was asked about 10 years ago now. At the time I was still living in my old home. My third child wasn’t yet born. I was sitting outside on the porch in the evening and was asked by a guide, “What if I told you you only had ten years left to live. What would you do differently?” I thought for a while and said, “Nothing.” 

Neil asked me to consider how much I did do differently since then. I thought first of what remained the same. I still feel the same. I still have many of the same habits and routines and am around many of the same people. My family is still struggling with the same challenges.

Then I thought of what I did change. We sold our house and moved. I quit my job and took a part-time job and eventually stopped working altogether. I then started back working the job I currently have which suits me quite well. I’ve traveled more and stepped outside my comfort zone on many occasions. I focused on myself quite a bit, working on my issues and learning to set healthy boundaries. 

So I did change some things. 

Some things haven’t changed, though. My family still has the drama that caused me to want to sell my old house and move in the first place. In fact, that same drama often causes me sleepless nights. I remember clearly that I did not want to live amidst the drama and thought our move would facilitate the end to my sleepless nights over that drama. It did, for a while, but recently I’ve allowed myself to be pulled back in to various degrees. However, recalling all of this has helped me remember that my initial decision to leave was correct and I still do not want anything to do with that place or the drama of it.

My best guess is that this is the karma I am working through. This is me “paying my dues” and this is why I am so sad about remaining. I have no specific memory of this karma, so I can only guess the debt I am repaying. It does feel that my role is to remain detached from it all, to step back and let whatever happens, happen. This can be very difficult!

Update

I can’t remember if I updated on the land and off-grid cabin idea from earlier this year. Basically, building a cabin on my family land is not going to happen. The way the land is situated, the county will not allow my mother to subdivide the land without adding a very expensive road ($150K at least). So, my mom couldn’t sell to me or leave each of her children acreage unless she subdivided the property. Her solution was to create an irrevocable trust. When she dies, we, her children, are required to sell the property and then the profits will be disbursed in monthly payments until gone. None of us will get any land. My sister won’t be able to get any money without doing two things every month: Prove she has a job and take a drug test.

I am okay with it since my feeling was that it is not the best place for me anyway. My older sister is hurt and angry, though, and she doesn’t know about the work/drug test requirement yet. She thinks I manipulated my mom into not giving her land. My mom was never going to give my sister land, though. She worried my sister wouldn’t pay the taxes and the family land would be taken by the county. My mom tried to get one of us siblings to agree to leasing my sister a couple of acres for the rest of her life, rent free. None of us would agree, so that idea was dropped. None of us wanted to be put in the same position my mom is now.

As is it, my sister and her husband are living in their RV next to my mom rent and utility-free. Every time I visit my mom she vents to me about how awful the situation is but she doesn’t do anything about it. I don’t visit often because I feel completely sucked of all my energy and it can take me two days or more to recover. 

Cracked Compact – This keeps coming to mind as symbolic of how I have been feeling lately. It is becoming harder and harder to keep up any kind of façade.

Dream Encounter

Slept okay with lots of dreams. Had an interesting dream encounter, also.

Dream: Find Your Family

I received a call informing me of something that seemed important. I can’t recall what it was or who called, but it felt like a bank called me. 

Then I was taken to a large office-like building. Inside were lots of random people, none I recognized. A person approached me and asked me some questions about certain people, bringing up names and asking me if I knew them, etc. One name I recognized as my husband’s family but my description of her did not match theirs. Overall, it felt like an interrogation and I was becoming nervous and suspicious because I didn’t understand why I was there.

Eventually I was informed that everyone there was part of an ancestry project that reunited families that had been separated. A person announced to everyone,”Find your family”. I stood confused for a moment and then stepped aside as others began to form small groups. A handful of others and myself stood separate from the others. We looked at each other questioningly. I remember saying, “I don’t have one [a family].” The others with me nodded in agreement- neither did they. 

One man approached the person in charge, demanding to know what was going on. I moved away, towards the front door, thinking I would just leave. When I got to the door it had a large, silver electronic lock on it. I wasn’t going anywhere. I leaned up against the window looking out, not really concerned. Then the man, having not gotten any answers, wandered over to the door also. He looked at the lock and then at me and said, “I guess we’re stuck here.” He seemed angry.

Dream Encounter

The next thing I know I am sitting in the front seat of a pickup truck. There is a man to my left. We are sitting quite close and it feels very intimate. In front of us is my youngest son. He is moving around quite freely as if the truck has unlimited space. I notice his hair is out of place so I reach out and comb it in place. Then he shows me his finger saying he lost the ring. I can see a green spot where the ring use to sit. It seems like he had been wearing a cheap ring on it for a while. 

The whole time I am sitting with this man who feels very familiar. In fact, he feels like someone I know in real life. While I am interacting with my son, I lean into this man and hug him tight. When finished hugging him I don’t move but stay close, laying in his arms. 

The man brings up “cold hands and feet” for some reason. I suddenly feel very concerned because I often have cold, clammy hands. Will he reject me because of it? I reply truthfully to him that I often have cold hands and feet but lately they have been warmer than usual. He doesn’t seem to judge me for it and stretches out his bare feet and wiggles his toes as if to emphasize the “cold feet” part. Then he reaches out and takes my hand in his own. He comments that my hand is not cold at all. I relax, relieved. 

We remain holding hands, laying in each others arms. He is quite tall, so his chest and torso are above my head. Yet I can look up at him easily. I feel suddenly very nervous because I can sense the energy shifting. I worry he wants to kiss me. I look up and he looks back at me. He says to me, “That’s funny, is that stabs on your eyes?” I think my mind shifts the words a bit because I immediately look away, self-conscious of something on my face. But I look back almost immediately when I hear his words because I am confused. Did he say “Stabs” or “Scabs”? And on my eyes??

When I look back at him all I see are his eyes. They are golden with specks of yellow and the pupils are pinpricks; barely visible. It is like his eyes are a precious stone like tiger’s eye or yellow jasper. I am instantly pulled into them. I recognize something in his eyes. At the same time, a very odd feeling hits me in the high heart, that spot just above the heart chakra but just below the throat chakra. It feels like I am hit with lightening but at the same time an energy comes back out that feels so strange, so unfamiliar, that it wakes me up.

Messages

As I wake I begin to sob. The emotion just pours out of me but I have no idea why. I don’t feel any specific emotion, yet I am crying. And that odd feeling in my high heart is still lingering. It doesn’t feel bad but it feels….strange. I have felt all kinds of Kundalini energy but this, this was beyond strange! It felt like something was both going into me and being sucked out of me at the same time.

And those eyes. OMG! They weren’t human.

Still sensing his presence, I ask him, “Who are you?” He replies, “I am you.” This is a familiar response, and something about it causes me to fall instantly into Knowing. This is something I have experienced before but practically forgot. How could I forget? 

He asks me, “Why are you sad?” And another wave of emotion pours out of me. Now wide awake and sobbing into my pillow, I try to answer him, but really, I have no idea. However, part of my answer was, “I feel lost” and “I don’t feel like I belong.”

The entire time I was getting visuals of him still holding my hand and messages such as, “We love you” and “You are not alone.” All familiar. 

I am reminded of a vision received not long ago. I saw a watch laying on the floor followed by a flash of something else, I think the entrance or exit to a pool of water,  indicating endings and beginnings. The song, It’s Time came to mind. This song has recently been repeating. I Knew the watch = “It’s time” and the water = “To begin”. 

Another song, Wake Me Up Inside, has also been coming to mind.

Interpretation

The first dream seems to reflect my feelings of not belonging. I am there to find my family but have none. I feel trapped amongst strangers (door is locked). 

The encounter dream is sending me a message about “cold feet”. It is pretty obvious now, but in the dream I was too preoccupied with concerns that I would cause the man not to like me to notice. 

The green ring marks on the boys hands are probably a message about Union or marriage or something similar. Rings that leave green marks are not genuine so perhaps it symbolizes a relationship that is not genuine? I still haven’t figured it out yet.