Releasing Guilt and Shame

Slept about 10 hours last night. I needed it! I haven’t been sleeping well for over a month. It was still hard to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep a 1,000 years.

Dreams were many and interesting. I am only going to post the one that I feel is most significant, though.

Dream: Forgotten Friend

In one I remember driving to my Mom’s house. When I arrived at her driveway there was a tall, white, tower (overcoming obstacles) and behind that a church steeple (spiritual nourishment, healing) that was also shimmering white. As I drove in the tower looked to be under construction and was no longer white but almost completely glass (seeing everything, nothing hidden). A crane was there and somehow I knew the windows were being fixed and replaced. I remember thinking how now my mom’s home was very obvious and no longer hidden. The area cleared out where there use to be lots of trees.

Inside my mom had guests. I went into the bedroom and lay down in my old bed which was facing the wall (looking inward) instead of the window like in real life. As I lay down I began to think of an ex-friend and lover. I had dream memories of him being in the back seat of a car I was in alongside other friends. I remember wondering, “How did I not see him there? I should have talked to him, asked him how he was doing. Did he get a job like he wanted?” I realized he had been in the car the whole time and I just ignored him, didn’t care to ask how he was or anything. I had been an awful friend and felt bad because I did care how he was doing. How could I have forgotten him like that? 

I felt extremely sleepy laying there in the bed while thinking of the past. Eventually, though, I got up and went out into the living area where I saw young people and their parents with my mom. She had given them food to eat and said, “Now here is someone you will want to see!” She motioned to me like I should know the people. I assumed they must be distant family I had forgotten I had. I was polite and listened in. She was saying they were going to all go on a picnic (nourishment of body, mind, spirit) together. One girl had in front of her a bowl with a plastic seal on top. My mom asked if she was going to eat it and gave the dish a name. It was Korean or something. I laughed at the name and the girl opened up the top and pulled out some noodles. 

Realization and Healing

As I lingered in bed, still very tired and wanting to sleep, my thoughts were on the dream where I suddenly remembered my ex-lover and friend. I realized that the dream reflected how I treated him in life. I realized that even way back then I struggled with following my heart. My head was very adamant that I get what I wanted at the time, which was the picture perfect family. He just didn’t fit that picture in my mind.  

When we met online I was drawn to his energy as he was to mine. We had great plans on how we could work together, him a hypnotherapist and me a psychic/medium. We would marry so he could move to the US and stay as partners, no strings attached really except that we did have a sexual relationship. That sexual relationship was a mistake and created complications. He fell in love with me but I did not fall in love with him in that way. I loved him, but not in a romantic, life-partner way.  

Unable to take back the sexual part, I tried to force myself to love him like he loved me. This backfired, of course, as my plans for the future did not match what he could offer me – looks or otherwise. He was much older than me, shorter than me, and physically not attractive to me. My expectations soiled our connection completely as I could not avoid his expectations of me. He saw me as a dream come true. A young, attractive, spiritually-minded and gifted partner who could help him immigrate to the US and start his business. 

Like in the dream, I “forgot” about him. I didn’t ask him how he was doing or care about how he fared after I met my current husband. When I met my husband I just cut off communication and moved on with my life. It infuriated him, which it should have. We had plans and I just abandoned them and him. I realized to him I had “cheated” on him, which I see now. That is pretty much true except that for me, he and I were not a couple, or at least that is how I justified my actions. To anyone viewing those events from the outside it would appear I was a horrible person, a cheater and a liar because we were “engaged”. He definitely believed this because just prior to my meeting my husband he had sold off everything he owned in the UK and was planning his flight to the US where he would start his new life with me. When I put an end to our plans he was left with few possessions, a lease that had ended leaving him nowhere to live, and all that he dreamed of destroyed in an instant. 

Ouch. 

I suck. What I did was awful. Period.

I admit that during that time I was almost always confused. I couldn’t understand why I felt so resistant to the whole deal of marriage and helping him. I wanted to help him! Yet when I tried it backfired. The more I tried to help him and go with the expectations he had of us, the more negative I began to feel. I started to see him as “ugly” and couldn’t kiss him without becoming grossed out. Yet I kept trying because I thought if I kept acting like it was what I wanted, it would be. Go through the motions and it will be, right? WRONG.

I also remember that I convinced myself he was “the One” based upon what my guidance had told me, psychics had told me, astrologists had told me. I was told I would marry someone with a foreign name. His was foreign. I was told “4 years” would pass. It had been that long, right? I felt the call to help him, so it must meant I should be with him romantically, right? WRONG.

I did end up marrying someone with a foreign name. And it was almost exactly 4 years after my divorce. And when I saw him, “I knew”. But that someone was not my ex-friend. 

In the dream I felt horrible for what I did to him. It was like I was another person when I acted the way I did. My heart was right. We were friends, soul family. There was love there but it was tainted by my Ego, by what my mind saw as “ideal” because I had been programmed by this world and that programming went against what was happening. 

My ex-friend was not faultless in this, though. He had expectations of his own. He had been told by his psychic friends to be wary of me. One even told him I was “evil” and to avoid me, end it, get away from me. She was right, though I can’t say my intentions were to hurt him. Had they been, then yes, I would have been evil. I actually never meant to hurt him like that. I was so confused. So very confused. 

Not long ago, after pleading with my guidance for help, I was told the reason I wasn’t progressing was because of guilt. Maybe the “guilt” my guidance was telling me about is being revealed to me now, via my dreams? I did ask for help. I do feel horrible. I remember thinking to myself this morning after the dream, “I don’t deserve happiness.” 

How does one who has done what I have done allow themselves to move on, to be happy? How does one forgive themselves? Maybe that is what I have to do?

It is interesting to me that guilt is held in the sacral chakra. So I Googled it and found this article

Our Sacral Chakra deals with relationships and pleasure and is blocked by Guilt which closes down our “right to feel”. Dealing with guilt requires that we examine what we think we did wrong, face it and evaluate it as objectively as possible. For example, what did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to? Were your expectations unrealistic? If they were, then you need to let go of them. Since you did all that you were capable of doing at the time, there simply is no basis for your guilt, and you need to let go of that as well. 

To answer the above questions:

What did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to? – I expected to help him, to be his friend, to do what was right.

Were your expectations unrealistic? – Yes, I think so. I knew his expectations did not match my own and ignored the warning signs in hopes of “helping”. I thought helping meant giving him what he wanted regardless of what I wanted (I do this quite a bit in life!). I was not honest with myself. What I wanted was not in alignment with the situation. I expected that I could force myself to be and want what he wanted. No one can make themselves love another person in a romantic way. I ignored my heart and what it was telling me. Love him and love myself. To love him meant being honest with him and to love myself meant being honest with myself. I was neither. 

My guidance has told me often that sometimes “helping” a person is not necessarily “positive”. If a person needs to learn a lesson and you are selected to help them learn it, and lessons often are best learned through negative experiences, then often we end up the “bad guy” when really what we did was give the other person a gift. We are also given a gift. Whether we accept the gift is up to us. 

I did a meditation to release my guilt. This is what came up.

I hold the guilt in my sacral, solar plexus and heart but I felt it most strongly in my solar plexus. It felt like a knot, heavy and solid. The color associated with it is blue, meaning my throat chakra is also involved. I believe it was too open, thus I said things without thinking and without feeling. The thought came to me, “I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be.” I was disappointed with myself for not being able to be that person, thus projected that disappointment onto him in various ways. 

Just because I did a meditation doesn’t mean I am free of guilt. This is just one instance of many I need to release in order to be open to the abundance of love, emotion and happiness available to me.

Message: Morning Star

I am experiencing a slight uptick in dream recall and guide visits lately. Messages are more frequent and last night I experienced Kundalini energy in my dream.

Message: Strength, Change, Communication

A week ago now I received a message via FB. That morning I had been somewhat down and in need of reassurance. The first post I came across was one of those word finds where you write down the first three words you see. The words I found were “strength, change, communication”. At the time I thought nothing of it but later in the day the words seemed to be whispered to me over and over. I finally wrote them down. When I did, the word “bravery” came to mind also.

Dream and Message: Bliss….Bravery

In the dream, I was with an Indian man who was showing me how to market his successful product as my own but I don’t know why. His product looked like dynamite or fireworks – tubes of red paper rolled very tightly. I was told they were not fireworks or dynamite but rather fire starters. I watched as he put one in a fire, lit it and it slowly ignited, orange flames taking over. Understanding, I looked at a box of six, which was how they were sold, still thinking they looked like dynamite or fireworks.

When I woke I saw a vision of a food package, I think for a drink but am unsure. At the top was writing. It said, “Bliss”. Then at the bottom I read, “Bravery”. It felt like I was being asked to drink it but I woke up because the message was so unique and obvious.

Message: You Will be Called

I have been watching a show called Manifest. It is about a plane that goes missing for five years only to suddenly reappear. The people on board do not experience time passing as 5 years but only hours. Many experience psychic abilities where they receive visions of the future. They refer to the visions as “the callings”.

It occurred to me that “the callings” were similar to what I have felt in my lifetime. I haven’t had them often, though. I receive strong Knowing that sometimes bring me to tears but always feel “big” and include a sense of being compelled toward a certain action. I refer to these experiences as “being Called”.

I realized the show, like others I have watched, contained a message that I will be Called again. Not only that but I have been told by my guidance to expect it.

The show’s name also feels significant. Manifest. Yep.

Message: Morning Star

This morning I had a very long Kundalini dream. The energy was muted but memorable. In the dream I was with a dark haired, dark eyed and very familiar man. His eyes are what is most memorable but I spent a portion of the dream tying to memorize his features (unsuccessfully). He reminded me of the man I use to see off and on in Kundalini dreams from 2014-2016.

Only broken pieces of the story line remain. Mostly I remember the man asking me questions and me answering them. When I answered him we were transported to scenes which appeared to be representations of what I was telling him.

In one scene I was outside a house with a man. At first he stood beside me and then he seemed to lose his footing and fall. I held the man in my arms as he grew old, turned to bones and then dust, crumbling in my hands. The dark haired man had asked me about the man, something like, “What about….?. My answer was ,”I was told to [be with him]”.

Another question he asked me was, “Where did you come from?” Hearing his question, I was transported to outer space where I floated past planets and stars. Then I burst through a “crack” in space and found myself on the other side of it staring at a long, golden cluster of stars that sparkled and had bursts of purple and white colors throughout. I said to him, “I Remember now….I’m from the stars.”

The next thing I remember is holding this man’s hand and getting into a large bed with him. I lay close to him and felt immensely happy and content. It was pure bliss. My entire body was warm with energy, especially my heart. I remember wanting it to last forever. I am surprised I didn’t start crying.

Then we heard the man being called (felt like we were in his home and his bed and his family was calling him) and he got out of bed to leave. I reminded him that he had no pants on and he turned back toward the bed to retrieve his shorts. I watched him, trying still to memorize him, wanting to remember as much of him as possible. He was wearing a plaid, button down shirt. The shirt came down just enough to cover his rear.

I woke, my entire body still warm with energy, especially my heart. Asking to go back, I fell into the in-between where I stood facing a starry night sky. It was early dawn. I looked up at the moon and saw a small star above it. I heard, “Morning star”. I remember asking, “Isn’t that Venus?” and received confirmation.

Meaning of Morning Star

The morning star is the planet Venus (Aphrodite, Goddess of love). It can also be Sirius and less likely to be the planet Mercury. It is also a symbol of hope and is another name for Jesus, who “shows the way” (I think Wayshower).

  • Morning star, most commonly used as a name for the planet Venus when it appears in the east before sunrise
  • Morning star, a name for the star Sirius, which appears in the sky just before sunrise during the Dog Days
  • Morning star, a (less common) name for the planet Mercury when it appears in the east before sunrise
    Source Wikipedia

“The Morning Star’s appearance indicates the dawn of light that ends a dark night. As such, Jesus Christ as a savior, source of hope and happiness is identified as The Morning Star.” Source

Music Message

I woke up hearing this song:

Dreams and Message: Full Disclosure

I know I’ve not been posting much lately, and I apologize. An update is overdue. Right now, however, I am finding no motivation whatsoever to write publicly. For one, I feel like putting attention on certain things is counterproductive. I also want to be more balanced and centered when I post, and this state comes and goes lately and does not seem to remain stable for long. This is part of the energetic state of the world right now and my adjustment to that energy shifts as that energy shifts (which is frequent!).

Very quickly I will update on my sister and then move on from there because, for me, lingering on the topic doesn’t fill me with happy-happy-joy-joy vibes. lol

My sister had a successful surgery on the 7th of August, spent some time in ICU, was moved to a regular room and then discharged (maybe a week ago now? I can’t remember the exact date). I have not been reaching out to her or my family to stay informed. There are some posts on FB but I do not react or respond to them. I am remaining as withdrawn as I can, stepping back and letting everything play out.

Sadly I know that my sister and my Mom’s futures are intertwined, and not in a positive way. There are some deep-rooted karmic lessons being played out. My job is to step back, observe and to try and not get emotionally involved. The last big emotion I felt was frustration and anger because I could see what was coming, but then I let it all go. If I could, I would move as far away from my family as possible. If it were not for my Mom, I would have disconnected long ago. My half-brother is the only sibling I prefer to have contact with, and even he has distanced himself from the drama (smart man!).

Interestingly enough, my guidance suggested I review past journal and blog entries. I did this by chance yesterday (posted the result) and this morning did another quick search. Just so happens I found this post from July, 2013:

Long ago, when the family issues began getting to me, I was given advice by Steven. He said, “Step back”. I understood this as “mind my own business”. I also got the message to “let them learn their lessons” and “stay out of it”……. I have successfully stayed out of it. I am proud of myself for being able to do so. It is hard seeing family do stupid things and then have to face the consequences of it, especially my Mom. I want to protect her……That is not my job, though.

Apparently the “bumpy ride” message I got from my guide John applies to family drama. I am not looking forward to it. It bothers me to know that my Mom is being unfairly treated; to know that my sister would take advantage of not only her but anyone else who allows themselves to become a victim. I feel like my sister is lost to me. I don’t understand her or know her anymore. I love her, but I don’t like her at all. I would never hang out or be friends with someone like her. That kind of dishonestly and selfishness is toxic.

All of this family drama is part of my lesson here. I was very curious what lesson my sister could be learning. I was told it had to do with controlling human emotion and physical desires. From what I can tell, she is failing miserably at it……..I also know the only way for her to overcome her problem is to get past her physical emotions and bodily urges and listen.

OBEs

I haven’t been sleeping well again. I wake around 4:30-5am and cannot return to sleep, usually because my nose is clogged. Two nights ago when this happened I had to walk around to get my nose to clear and the fell asleep. I ended up having a string of OBEs. They were hard to recall because I fell back into dreaming afterward. I do know there were five and I was being guided through them, working on raising my vibration. In one I sang to raise my vibration and flew around with a guide. In another I was carrying a small girl on my back.

Dreams

Lots and lots of odd dreams lately. This morning I woke early also and my nose was clogged again (grrr!). This time I did some gentle yoga to pass the time. I mulled over the dream I had prior to waking through the poses because when I woke from it I had been crying.

Dream: Winning the Race

I watched a woman running a marathon. Toward the end she got a burst of energy and sprinted to the finish. The woman then received her trophy and won the honor of becoming “queen”. Rather than accept the honor, the woman took the trophy to the rightful queen who had been locked in a fancy, castle for a very long time.

The queen was blonde, pale and beautiful. She accepted the trophy crown but it was gold, long and rectangular and did not look like a crown.

Then I was the winner of the race, only it was a half-marathon. I knew I had decided to finish early, rather than run the entire marathon. Exhausted, I went to my apartment to pack up and leave rather than rest. I decided to take off my sweaty clothing beforehand. I also needed to pee really bad. As I sat on the toilet, relieving myself, I was thinking of the things I needed to pack, which were few. The peeing, which seemed to go on forever, woke me up. My face was wet from tears. I was baffled by my emotional response to the dream.

Interpretation – My gut tells me this was a dream about the journey I am on. The queen is me, in both instances – one running a race, the other locked up and then freed. The dream feeling is that I took an opportunity to finish early. The end, where I am leaving my apartment, felt like me leaving a situation and never looking back. Apartments are emotional situations. I also take off all my clothing (outward appearance) and urinate (relief, letting out something I had been holding onto). The tears were tears of relief but they left me with conflicted emotions.

image source Wikipedia

Dream: Slow Loris

In one I was with a woman who was looking for a guy and his girlfriend. I felt like I was hovering, observing. She was shown the room the man was in and he was in the bathtub naked with his girlfriend. lol I recall the girlfriend tossing her clothing – a black, spaghetti strap top. Then they were gone and two woman were talking to me about an upcoming “event”. They were discussing it as if it were “secret” and I told them not to bother inviting me for some reason. It felt like it was an event I wouldn’t want to attend alongside others. The one woman said, “We knew you would say that which is why we are creating an event just for you.” She handed me a brooch as an invitation. It was beautiful! Made of gold or some metal. It looped around and at the end of the loops were jewels. I remember taking it, somehow knowing the event was in November and saying, “I don’t know if I will be able to go. Something might come up.” In my mind I was thinking of my sister and other things that might happen. 

Then I was outside in the back of a small home. There was a road that ran along the back and there were items tossed here and there. I spotted a kid’s toy – a gun of some sort that looked like a Nerf gun or water gun. I went to pick it up and a boy rushed up to me. I hadn’t seen him there. I turned and asked, “Is this yours?” He snatched the gun and I said, “Cool gun! How does it work?” He showed me some lights and such and kept walking. I followed, stopping to look at some bikes that had been left on the side of the road. One was a toddler bike, for a 3yr old but the training wheels were broken off.

A man approached and asked if I wanted the bike. He asked his son, the boy, to show me it still worked. The boy got on the bike. I told the man my boys were too old for it and turned to leave because the man had a strange energy.

As I turned and walked back toward the home the man came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He then ran forward with me, lifting me off the ground. We flew swiftly forward and he then set me down. I wasn’t afraid, somehow knowing he meant me no harm. When he put me down he asked me, “How was that?” I said something back acknowledging his ability. He stood facing me, smiling, and seemed to want more. I didn’t recognize him. He had light hair and was tall and skinny. He pushed me to the ground and leaned over me like he was exerting his dominance. I didn’t resist, still knowing he didn’t intend me harm. He let me get up and I walked back toward the house. 

On my way back I began to fly, hovering close to the ground, looking at the scenery. There were these beautiful shrubs near the house. They had red tips and were quite overgrown. I floated over them, touching them and watching as the red tips came off and flew around me like flower petals.

Then I spotted something on the ground near the white porch beam. It was a peculiar feather. I picked it up and asked aloud what kind of bird had such a feather. I carried it with me as I talked to someone and this person motioned the feather saying it was some creature I had never heard of. I remember thinking, “sloth” and “slow loris” and as I looked down the feather turned into a fluffy white animal of some sort. It had the face of a cat but without legs. The body was just a long fluffy tube. 

I held the cat thing for a while noticing its behavior. It seemed quiet and like it wanted to hide. The person was telling me about it but I can’t recall what they said. I just remember putting the cat thing on my shoulder and hearing little cat noises and feeling claws gripping my shoulder even though it had no feet. 

At one point the cat thing withdrew into a tube, shrinking down like an eel would do. The outer fluffy part slid away and became separate. I knew to keep the cat creature with the fluffy tube and set it free.

Somehow I ended up in the house at a kitchen table feeding the cat thing. It was eating pats of butter. When I put my hand too close it accidentally chomped down on my finger but it didn’t hurt. I remember saying I shouldn’t have done that as it was eating and it thought my finger was the butter.

Interpretation – The dream about “November” stood out. It seems to indicate some “event” will take place. Maybe it has to do with the brooch? Hard to say but it resembled a LL symbol. A brooch means moving forward, important choices and can be an award for one’s efforts. The cat creature could represent the Kundalini. I think it significant that I took the cat creature into my grandmother’s kitchen. This is the location I use to go to for K events and other significant OBEs. Butter symbolizes richness and flavor. It can mean the end of hard times and the need for more love and affection. 

Messages

From this morning:

“Full disclosure” is coming. “Don’t worry, you will be clear enough when it does.”

“Give yourself the opportunity to hold space-time. These will not be there when you leave.”

Vision: Saw the tar pits in California. Remembered how when I visited the tar pits the guide told us how many animals fell in and suffocated, trapped forever. I thought the only way to avoid getting trapped was to be a bird and stay on the edges. With this thought I saw a small, white bird fly down to the edge and dip one toe in. Woke up knowing, “Earth is the tar pit of the Universe.”

Vision: I am sitting next to a man (he’s on my left) at a round table. Across from us sits another man, watching us. He feels important and motions to the plates in front of us. Eagerly, I reach down and pick up a juicy hamburger and take a bite. The man does this, too. It tastes wonderful. I feel guilty, thinking, “I’m eating meat.” I look down and the meat is gone. The burger no longer looks like a burger but still has a round shape. I come out of my reverie suddenly.

My thoughts: Whatever “full disclosure” is, I will be ready for it. As for “holding space-time” I am not sure what it means but I remember saying back to my guide, “You are right”. It feels like “holding space-time” means living in the physical and mastering the experience. The Tar Pit vision is self-explanatory. I think I am trying to be, or am, the bird. The hamburger vision was very real – touch and taste specifically. Hamburgers = wholeness.

Tossing Pebbles – October, 2013

Re-posting from many, many years ago because not long ago I was asked my guidance to “read over [my] old blog posts”. Did I? No. I forgot. Until today, by chance, as I was searching through my blog for examples of messages I have received in the in-between over the years, I stumbled upon this one. And OMG, now I know why my guides asked me to look.

Just to give you an idea, here are the biggest eye-openers from the post:

“He told me that the government of the United States would go through some major changes in 10 years, around the year 2022-2023. I immediately thought, “Ah, hind sight is 20-20” and giggled.”

“He went on to tell me that when I was gone and my children were grown that the Earth would be far less populated than it is now. I recalled a long time ago hearing about a massive outbreak of a virus that would decimate 100’s of thousands of people in the United States. He nodded in confirmation at my thought but would not say that this was the crisis he was speaking of. I thought on this news and wondered out loud, “Why are you telling me this?” He replied, “Because you need to know”.”

Living Life in Between

white-stones--pebbles_19-131295I never know when I will get a “visit” from one of my guides. It is always nice to have one, but they don’t seem to come when I want them to. Instead, they “pop” in for a visit and then I never know when they will come by next.

When I say visit, I don’t mean via dreams. I pretty much expect my guides to visit my dreams. There really aren’t too many dreams in which I can’t identify one or more of my guides. If the dreams are lucid or turn astral then it is always wonderful to be conscious of their presence. Unfortunately, when I am busy like I have been, consciousness in dreams or astral travel are few and far between, although I do think I am more lucid in my dreams than most people.

The kind of visit I am referring to in this blog…

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