I am just documenting these dreams.
Dream: Memory Sifting
I was aware of the purpose of this dream when I awoke. It was merely me sifting through memories (sorting them).
I was sitting in a van with my husband who was in the driver’s seat. We had packed a cooler in the back and were heading somewhere together. He pulled up next to another van. One of my close friends was at the wheel. I saw her and said, “Let’s invite her and her kids!” My husband looked at me and said, “No, I don’t think so.” He pulled away and I looked out the window at my friend who had a curious look on her face.
As he drove, I was angry at him and told him, “I won’t go with you.” I crawled to the back, opened the cooler and began making a sandwich for myself. I knew he was taking me to “his people” and I didn’t want to associate with them.
Then I had a visual of a mobile home whose roof and walls had been blown away revealing only a sofa and a few pieces of furniture. I knew this represented my old high school friend’s dad who passed away long ago. For some reason I thought the house had been destroyed by fire but there was no evidence of it. In the dream I felt sorry for my friend but decided to put it aside since it was her life, not mine.
I materialized into another scene. This time I was inside a home with a bunch of women. It was a lactation group. There was an odd sensation then of my milk coming in (only a nursing mom would know the feeling) and I began to massage my breasts to help the milk come down. lol I was hit with all kinds of inadequacy feelings at this time – I’m not a good mother because I don’t want to breastfeed. I’m selfish. I let my children down. And on and on. I felt unfairly criticized by others for my opinions and choices. It seemed like the other mother’s in the group disapproved and I wanted to do what was right despite feeling utterly exhausted and unable.
Then I was looking down at a plate in front of me. It looked like it contained little wads of dough shaped like large peanuts. There were two labeled sections. One said, “Regular milk” and the other said, “Breast milk.” I looked at it and was a bit grossed out thinking I was looking at dried up milk pieces.
The women each had plates similar to mine. Some had these bits in both categories, some in only one or the other. They were sharing their plates with each other – eating pieces of this dried milk. I almost gagged in the dream at the thought of it. lol
I tried to walk past unseen, hoping to not be noticed, but the leader stopped me and asked me for my plate. I saw very distinctly the different proportions of milk globs on my plate. The “Regular Milk” category had three times that of the “Breast Milk” one. The woman took a piece from both and then mentioned how the breast milk one tasted so much better and was healthier. I gagged when I saw her eating it. Then she asked me to taste and to my surprise I did.
Eating it brought in a flood of memories and realizations. I saw that my choices should not have been judge so harshly. I saw that had it not been for formula that my oldest and youngest children would have likely have been malnourished (or needed a wet nurse). I had PPD after my daughter’s birth and was suffering from major anemia and recovering from a c-section after the birth of my youngest. My daughter couldn’t latch on and was born three weeks early and had major digestive issues (reflux). I saw that I had given what I could. I saw that I mourned the loss of my milk.
In the dream I saw my breasts again and felt the familiar sensation of the milk coming down. I missed it and grieved the loss of it every time.
I awoke upset and feeling very sad. I miss having a baby. I miss the experience of being that close, that loved, that needed. There is nothing like it. Now my youngest is growing up and needing me less and less. I can’t have anymore children. Even though I wouldn’t want one really anyway, a part of me would have a dozen more children just to feel that bond/connection again; just to experience pregnancy and all that comes with it good and bad all over again. I feel old now, dried up and withering away. My body no longer able to give and sustain life. It is such an integral part of being a woman. I never realized it until now.
It is apparent to me that I need to let myself grieve the passing of this part of me but also embrace the new role I play in the lives of my children. Just because I can’t birth anymore, just because they are growing, doesn’t make me any less a mother.
Dream: Symbol in the Sky
I was flying along a road in the middle of an estuary. The water was a vivid blue and there were people all around fishing. There was a sense that this was a special time or event.
Suddenly I caught a glimpse of the sun, except it was not the sun. It was a very large symbol in the sky. It had always been there but caught my attention because I suddenly noticed the outer petals of this symbol were glowing a very pale, bluish color. The blue was the same color as the water below – a kind of blue-green or aqua. It was absolutely beautiful and I could not take my eyes off of it. I said to my friend, “It is glowing!” In my mind I knew this was not the sun, it was a space craft of some sort.
Then the scene around me changed. The estuary vanished and I was in the middle of an ancient city, one that was familiar but I couldn’t place. The buildings were of an ancient architecture and all had a light, pale gold color to them. As if the stone they were made from was molded and smoothed.
There was a catastrophic event taking place. The sky was grumbling despite the sun being out. Huge chunks of hail bigger than my fist, some even larger than that, were falling from the sky and causing devastation to the structures. People were in terror, running through the streets yelling to me to take cover. I just stood, looking up at the symbol in the sky, watching it. It hovered like a space craft and moved, morphing into a luminous, blue snake across the sky. I was in awe of it and felt completely and utterly at peace. I knew no harm would come to me. All around me the chaos continued. Buildings began to crumble, water flooded in and covered the city. Yet still I remained, unharmed, separate from the scene, watching as the aqua-blue colored snaked through the sky and hid behind the clouds.
When I awoke I knew the symbol I saw had a name but I couldn’t remember it. I also knew it resembled the symbols for the chakras but I wasn’t sure which chakra. The color was bluish, but I was certain it was not the throat chakra. The crown then? No. I am not sure which one but the symbolism was not lost to me. This chakra was opening in me, bringing in ancient knowledge that was once lost. My guidance confirmed. I still felt awe in remembering it. It was beautiful.
The symbol I saw was most similar to this one but with petals (no dots) on the outside, like a lotus, which is why I connected it to the chakras.
The image comes from this website. It is called the SriChakra:
The Shaktas, or followers of Shakti worship, consider the Sri Yantra, or Sri Chakra, the holiest among them.
The Sri Chakra is conceived as Shiva-Shakti. The diagram consists of a series of triangles around a small central circle called the bindu. Thebindu represents the Shiva-Shakti in union, from which the rest of the diagram, representing the cosmos, is evolved. Enclosing the bindu and superimposed on each other are the four Shiva triangles (Srikanthas) pointing upwards, and five Shakti triangles (Shiva-Yuvatis) pointing downwards. These constitute the nine dhatus, or basic categories, of the universe, evolving from the Supreme Mother represented by thebindu. The triangles are surrounded by two circles of lotuses, one with eight petals (Vasudala) and the other with sixteen petals (Kalasra). Outside these, are three circles (mekhalatraya) and a rectangular enclosure (Bhupura) of three lines for the whole figure, with entrances on the four sides.
It just so happens that this website links to an article about Tantric Yoga. lol