Kundalini Dream: Time Traveling

I’m on alert this morning. Something is up energy-wise. I had a very Kundalini-filled night’s sleep and have been awake since 4:30am. Similarly, I have heard various others had limited or no sleep last night. For example, my SIL called my husband really early this morning because she couldn’t sleep last night. Also, my son was up at 2am from a dream about the center of the Earth being made out of white bread called the “bread stone” that men ate in order to create the other planets (no kidding!). 😀

While at work I saw news that Alaska experienced a 7.0 earthquake. This especially interested me since I use to live in Alaska. I instantly knew it was somehow connected to last night’s sleeplessness.

I thought maybe I had somehow missed that it was a full moon, but nope, it’s at the last quarter, so that can’t be it. Whatever is going on, I am on full alert. The Kundalini is especially active in my heart center today. Hello heart bliss!

Kundalini Dream: Time Traveling

This dream began with me watching a version of myself going to the dentist (feeling anxious) and receiving her new retainers. I saw the retainers in a clear case and recall the dentist giving instruction on their use.

Then I was with a man who I had never met in person but had known online. We were at his house/apartment and he was instructing me on how to fit in with his time. It was obvious that I was some 20+ years in the future as so much was different! We talked for a long time about various things, mostly how things were different from my time. He had dark hair and seemed a bit older than me with pale skin and kind eyes. He showed me these special contacts (new awareness needed) that people wore in his time. They allowed people to see things that were not there otherwise. They were like computers that were worn in the eyes. There were five sets and I was focused on the one called “C+” though it looked more like a @ with a C in the middle instead of an A. He told me to buy all five of the different contacts because I would not be able to function in his time without them.

I attempted to use my credit card to buy them. Though my card showed as valid I had to scan a bar-code for the transaction to be approved. I didn’t have one. The man told me if I had been of his time I would have a bar-code on my left hand located between the thumb and the pointer finger. The bar-code made it impossible for anyone to steal another person’s identity or information for their use.

He seemed upset by this news and was concerned about how I would live in his time. I would not be able to see what he saw and would not be able to go out and about and do normal things others could do. I said to him, “Why don’t you come live in my time?” When I said this I had a flash of everything that would happen between my time and his. I knew that for him to come to my time would expose him to a major world war and difficult times he would otherwise not have to endure. It was a lot to ask of him.

He turned to me and asked me,”Why do you stay with me?” I did not hesitate to answer. I immediately hugged him close and said, “I feel good when I’m with you.” There was this lovely feeling that enveloped me when we hugged. My heart exploded in bliss and love. Being with him washed me in this amazing feeling of security but it was intermixed with vulnerability; full-exposure of me – nothing hidden.

Heart Bliss

I awoke, my heart washed in bliss, feeling an amazing love and connection for the man in my dream. Now fully awake, I sought him out and found him/his energy/HS close by. I saw a visual of him standing in front of me. He placed his hand on my heart and I placed mine on his. I was instantly hit with Divine bliss and an overwhelming vulnerability.

The more I allowed our connection the more I felt all the different reactions I had to it. There was fear of the vulnerability and exposure evident. There was also a reaction of fear toward the feeling of loss of control. The connection makes me feel 100% open and exposed and with it I completely surrender. This surrender of self and control of self is what is scary. I want to completely submit to him. This goes against the way I was raised and how I tend to respond to others, especially men. Yet when with the merging of my energy with this masculine energy, this is what I do. Why? Is that how it is suppose to be?

While talking with this energy I saw a vision of a group of people standing in a line facing me. They were all over 40 years old and it felt like they were waiting on me for something. I then had a mini-dream about getting married. Then I saw a vision of a city materialize in front of me. It was like a portal to the city in the future from the dream. I knew it was not on Earth, at least not this Earth.


I struggled to fall asleep because of the heart bliss. It kept surging and I would become lost in it. There is nothing like it. It’s so beautiful it nearly always brings me to tears.

Somehow I ended up OOB and in my room. I exited more than four times. Each time I ended up back in my body when I tried to leave the room. One time I surrendered and seemed to fall backwards into a void. When I did this my vision turned on and a ray of light was shining down onto the space in front of the closet. As I floated over to the light, I asked why it was that I was not given any type of evidence that my work here is having an impact. I remember looking down at a piece of paper I held in my hand as I read my mission as if to remind myself why I was here on Earth. I asked for some kind of encouragement – some kind of proof I was doing what I came here to do – explaining that I needed it because it was hard to keep motivated otherwise.

Another time, I exited my body and was able to leave the room by surrendering to the energy – letting go of all control of the situation and experience. Then, I found myself outside of the room floating over the stairs. I floated down the dark stairs, singing to help stabilize my energy. When I headed to the front door I was pulled swiftly back into my body. It felt like I was being told not to roam. Even singing didn’t help, which it usually does.

When I came into my body I was fully relaxed, my body buzzing with soothing vibrations, my heart still firing up with waves of bliss. A song – Kansas City – was in my head:

And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I’m going back to Kansas City


I just returned from a vacation with my husband. We celebrated our 11th anniversary by taking a trip to Rainbow Hearth Lodge which is located on Lake Buchanan. We stayed three days and two nights. The interesting thing is that on Thanksgiving, as I talked with my mom about our trip to the first state park on day 1, both my brother-in-laws looked at me in shock and told me they were going to be at the very same park at the exact same time. Neither had shared their plans with me or my husband as they knew we had a trip planned already. So, we ended up hanging with family on the first day of our trip all because of a “coincidence”. Ha!

The trip was fun and busy. We visited two state parks, running trails and hiking. By the end we ran over 16 miles and hiked around 4. In between we relaxed in our room and enjoyed the home cooking of the lady who owns the lodge while chatting with the other guests, a total of three women. Yeah, it’s a very small place and that’s why we like it.

We fished on Lake Buchanan the first day, after our visit to Inks Lake. I caught a black bass, about a 3lb one. Afterwards, my husband looked like he wanted to try so I handed him my rod and went to fetch another. By the time I got back he had tangled the line so I gave him the one I fetched and fixed the tangled mess. While I was fixing my rod he tangled the other one (a push-button) into such a bird’s nest that I started to laugh at his total lack of fishing know-how. He had been trying to fly fish with a regular rod and reel. LOL Ultimately, I gave up on him. I didn’t get another chance to fish but I was happy with my one. 🙂

Overall I had a good time. I couldn’t sleep the first night but crashed the second. I think the near 12 mile run did me in, but in a good way. I got my fill of nature, that’s for sure!

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Dream: Tattooed Man

As I mentioned, the first night at the lodge I struggled to fall asleep. This always happens to me in new places, so I wasn’t surprised. Eventually I fell asleep but had a very odd dream.

I was aware of both laying in my bed and being outside with a tiny monkey (intuition, feeling playful) on my shoulder. The monkey was trying to get away. I saw a playground in the distance with kids on it. The kids wanted to play with the monkey so I let him go. He looked like a spider monkey.

In my bed I felt a man to my left. I assumed it was my husband. I began to feel the Kundalini energy stirring. It seemed like I was working with the energy, trying to build it. I remember turning to the man who I thought was my husband and waking him up. He rolled over and sat on top of me. He said, “Happy anniversary”. I couldn’t see his face it was as if someone had smudged it out or blurred it. I didn’t care, though, because my heart chakra was on fire and a trail of intense energy was shooting down into my root chakra. I grabbed onto his hips and pulled him to me. I saw him seem to stand up and touch the ceiling with his hands. He was enormous and towered over me, arms raised to the ceiling, palms pressed against it as if holding it up (could indicate strength, support). I could see tattoos (trying to get me to notice him, to communicate something) up and down his arms. They were in dark ink and some were very colorful. I can’t remember what they were of now, just that they covered the entirety of his arms.

When I woke I was in shock and my heart was still lit up along with my lower charkas. I knew the man from the dream couldn’t have been my husband. Who was he? Whoever he was, he made sure to wish me a happy anniversary on the day of my anniversary. The Kundalini gift he gave was awesome, too!

Message: Go Slow

The next morning, after a wonderful night’s sleep that was mostly dreamless, I woke up to a familiar and long-missed connection. My heart lit up and, honestly, it surprised the heck out of me. The energy of the connection swirled up gently from my root to my heart and into my throat where it seemed to get stuck. It felt very much like trapped emotion, trapped communication, yet at the same time I could feel this overwhelming love mixed with such sadness. It felt like mine but not mine, like it was shared with me and, thus, became mine also.

As is usual when I feel this connection I began to cry. It’s not from sadness but from joy. I felt/heard to not cry and was told “go slow” and that time was needed. As the connected faded (it started at 5:30 and went until sunrise), a song came into my mind:

Sometimes you picture me, I’m walking too far ahead
You’re calling to me, I can’t hear what you’ve said
Then you say, “Go slow“, I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you’re lost, you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I’ll be waiting
Time after time

Since returning home I have been depressed. Though the trip was a good one it felt a bit forced and as a result I felt that familiar emptiness inside expand to where I could not ignore it. We returned on Sunday and each morning since I have awakened to the emptiness. This morning was the worst.

Dream: Race to the End

This dream began with me attending to a pregnant (connection to motherhood) woman. I recall her being in the hospital and me standing up by her shoulders as she struggled through her labor pains. Mostly I remember the white hospital room and operating table that she was laying on.

Then I was running in a circle as part of a 5K race. Somehow I ended up separated from the group. The group was running on a track in a gym (learn from lessons). I could see them next to where I was. I was running on a track inside a room, like someone’s house because it had brown carpet (refusal to acknowledge something) and appliances. The pregnant women was sitting in a recliner, her newborn baby in her arms.

I kept looking at my watch (consideration of time) as I ran making sure that my pace was as fast as I could go. Unfortunately, the obstacles on my course kept getting in my way. I bumped the new mother causing her to yell out in pain. I said sorry but kept running, continuing to look at my watch. Eventually, I stumbled into a carpet cleaning machine and knocked it over. The liquid inside spilled all over the floor. The new mother went to clean it up and I stopped because I knew I had to help. I was frustrated, though, because I could see the others on the track continuing to run without me and I knew my time would suffer.

When I woke from this dream I was in an awful depressed mood. The empty feeling was very prominent and my inability to rid myself of it causes me much distress. My thoughts centered around how this place is not real and how everything I do seems to have no real point. I saw the dream as a reminder of how I am just running around and around in circles.

A song was going through my head as I struggled to be more positive. The specific part I heard was, “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface…”

At first I thought the song was just a remnant of yesterday because I had heard it in the car, but it continued to follow me throughout the day. When I looked at the lyrics I kept being drawn to this:

It’s like you told me
Go forward slowly
It’s not a race to the end

But the entire song is quite poignant. It’s about how we wear masks and keep our true selves hidden. Ultimately, I believe that is why I am feeling so sad since coming back from my trip.

I feel very, very much like I am in the wrong place….. time ….. life.

Healing: Triggers and Dreams

Not much going on with me lately. My two oldest are home for Thanksgiving break and so I am quite a bit more distracted than usual.

I do not look forward to Thanksgiving day. My husband has invited everyone to our house this year, so it will be a very looooong day.

Yesterday I went to the dentist to have old fillings repaired. It was not a pleasant experience. I got panicky when they gave me the lidocane because it made my throat numb to the point that when I was laying down it felt like I was drowning. My blood pressure was super high (145/80) and had it not been for the laughing gas I think I would have passed out from the panic. I left with four repaired fillings two hours after I arrived and grateful that it was over.

Just now I am thinking how the thought of family here for Thanksgiving give me a very similar feeling to the dentist. lol I wish I had some laughing gas to help me cope! I will likely drink lots of wine instead. 🙂

After Thanksgiving my husband and I will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary. I decided we should try and celebrate with a trip, just the two of us, since we seldom celebrate at all. My husband said he wanted to go to Rainbow Hearth Lodge, the place I went on my solo retreat earlier this year. So, I booked us two nights in the sky loft.

I would like to visit two state parks – Inks Lake and Colorado Bend State Park – and then fish at Lake Buchanan as much as I can. My ideal plan would be to visit Inks Lakes early on the 23rd and run some of the trails there. Then on the 24th (our anniversary) I want to visit Colorado Bend State Park and run the trail to the waterfall. In between we will enjoy the lake and prepared meals at the lodge.

Since booking the room, tensions between my husband and I have intensified. We are just not on the same wavelength. I am hoping it does not mess up the trip. The last time we took a trip to celebrate our anniversary was in 2013 when I was pregnant with my third child. We went to San Antonio to see the Alamo. Sadly, it rained the whole weekend. I never got to go to the Alamo because the night we arrived I got the stomach flu really, really bad. Being I was pregnant at the time it was three times as bad as normal. I was sick the entire trip. 😦

Time for Healing

I have read several blog posts about this particular time being the perfect time for healing. This feels very real to me right now. Not only am I taking time to “heal” my physical body (dentist yesterday, eye doctor today) but I am feeling especially drawn to change my diet again. I am avoiding breads and simple carbs as much as possible. I would like to go gluten-free again but with the holidays this is not going to be easy. So I am just focusing on eating gluten in moderation.

There is also the feeling of working on relationships, a kind of fine-tuning and re-evaluation. I think my anniversary trip will be good for this. I have been feeling especially disconnected from people as well and this could also be purposeful, though how has yet to be revealed.

One especially triggering relationship is the one I have with my MIL. As I mentioned in a previous post, we are practically giving her our Prius because of her inability to afford a new car. I am especially triggered by my MIL’s lack of preparation for her own retirement and her continued and purposeful dependence on her son’s. She has told me more than once that she expects her sons to take care of her and that she doesn’t intend to save money for future problems that might arise (such as her car problems). She makes plenty of money to pay for her own living expenses but chooses instead to use the money for things she wants and let her son’s pay for the necessities. It really bothers me that she is like this and proud of it. In contrast, I see my own mother, how she worked hard for her retirement and will not ask for help from me or my sisters unless she absolutely has to. As a result, I feel a high respect and admiration for my mom and would help her with anything she asks.

So, every time my MIL asks for help, etc (which usually means quite a bit of money) I get really, really resentful. I am working on this, trying to approach it/her with love, but it is very, very difficult! I have awful thoughts, thoughts I should not have, and it creates a lot of guilt at times. I feel this MIL scenario is a repeat from my previous marriage. They say lessons repeat until they are learned. This is one of mine. 😦

Similarly, it seems that healing is on the agenda for dreamtime. I went to bed last night thinking about the beautiful heart-centered, soul connections I have felt in the past. It was brought on by reading a blog post about just such connections. Prior to bed I asked to go OOB or at least have a lucid dream involving such connections but knew immediately that my request would not be granted because there was “work to be done.”

Dream: Unfair

The dream began with my step-father going to the doctor to treat an aggressive, cancerous (need to be more positive) growth. I recall hearing the doctors describe it as “cauliflower (sad, need to be uplifted) shaped” while I saw in my mind an image of a flower-like, white mass of cells.

The dream fast-forwards to a time after my step-father passed away. My mom is beside herself with grief and trying to organize a gathering at their house to honor her husband’s life.

Time fast-forwards again. I am sitting in my old bedroom on the bed in shock. My mom had not lived very long after her husband’s death. It was a surprise to the whole family. I am a bit non-emotional. Not numb but content and accepting of all that happened.

I piled up a bunch of books (wisdom) my mom (aspect of self) had and put them in a box to go to the trash. The books were various kinds, some of poetry (inspiration) others about life and how to manage stress and other unexpected life events. As I sat thinking I realized I should probably not toss all the books and so went back to the box to retrieve them. The box was full of water (emotion) when I checked but this seemed normal in the dream. I spotted a poetry book and reached in and retrieved it and then flipped through it’s pages. I remember thinking I didn’t like to read poetry but decided to keep it anyway because it had been my mom’s.

I dug deeper into the box somehow ending up inside the box and completely under water. Once inside, the water seemed not to exist. Instead, I was sitting with a woman discussing something I can’t recall now. She asked me, “What’s wrong?” I said, “I miss my mama.” With my words a huge amount of grief washed over me seeming to originate from my throat. It felt like I was gagging on grief it was so intense! I could sense of huge ball of energy in my throat that felt to be three times the size of it. This ball of grief came up and out through my third-eye and crown. I heaved as if throwing up and tears poured out of my eyes. This happened twice before it woke me up and a third time once I was awake.

Once awake it took me a while to compose myself. I was a bit confused by the sudden outpouring of grief over a dream. In considering my emotion it did not seem in anyway connected to losing my mother. What it seemed to be connected to was the unfairness of what happened to her in the dream. She had finally found her true love after an entire lifetime without him. When she was in her mid-sixties. they reconnected and she married him. Then just four years later he was taken from her.

Of course, none of the dream scenario has actually happened. My mom and step-father are happily married and there is no indication of either being sick.

A song was going through my head as I attempted to return to sleep:

Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out

Dream: Healing

The dream from before seemed to continue, only instead of my step-father dying he was still alive and my mom had died before him. I was talking to my step-father about what he was going to do. He invited me to come live with him in their house to be his partner. I thought it weird and asked him why he would even consider it. He responded that at least we were family and I was a part of her (my mom).

There was discussion then about how my sisters would react if my mom died – the greed and fighting over the scraps left behind. It made me sad and I wanted nothing to do with any of it. The sadness turned into the gut wrenching grief again but it was less intense and did not wake me.

Then I was inside a large building that reminded me of an administrative building of some sort. I walked into a room where a couple of women were standing. It felt like I was reporting to them. One woman looked at me strangely so I looked down at myself and saw that I was completely naked (vulnerable). I apologized saying, “I’m sorry. I always do that, don’t I?” I had a bag with me and put on a large sweatshirt (need to relax) and a pair of bikini bottoms (emotionally vulnerable). I said to her, “For some reason I only have a swimsuit.”

It felt like I was in a mental hospital. My sisters were there with me but I can’t remember it all now. It seemed like we were discussing the above dream scenario and how each would react. I remember leaving my sisters with the woman and going to the door. I opened it and saw a long hallway leading to another locking door. I held the door open waiting for my sisters but they never came. One woman looked at me disapprovingly and I knew I needed to not hold the door open. So, I went through and let it lock behind me.

I didn’t enter a long hallway, instead I was traveling with my older sister to an industrial complex. I believe my step-father was there with us. She was looking for a specific building but we couldn’t find it. A man approached me at one point. He stared at me and I realized I knew him. He asked me to kiss him, saying if I did he would lead me where I needed to go. I did not want to kiss him but opted to give him a peck on his lips. This was enough and he led me away.

We entered a very large swimming pool (healing) filled with all kinds of people. I waded through the clear water for a while.

I can’t remember much else from this point on except some strange tangents off of the dream involving a house with three rooms, one full of crystals (healing), and then going upstairs to a green carpeted music room that had a fish aquarium full of orange sucker fish (ideas from subconscious).




The energy has been volatile hasn’t it?

As soon as I typed this sentence, I felt drawn to look up the word “volatile” and the history of the word seemed very significant:

Volatile was originally for the birds – quite literally. Back in the 14th century, volatile was a noun that referred to birds (especially wild fowl) or other winged creatures, such as butterflies. That’s not as flighty as it sounds. Volatile traces back to the Latin verb volare, which means “to fly.” By the end of the 16th century, people were using volatile as an adjective for things that were so light they seemed ready to fly. The adjective was soon extended to vapors and gases, and by the early 17th century, volatile was being applied to individuals or things as prone to sudden change as some gaseous substances.  SOURCE

Interesting, eh? Perhaps this is a good message, a message that we are becoming “so Light” that we are preparing to take flight?

For me, personally, “volatile” does seem to be THE word for the last few days, specifically beginning on Friday, October 16th. That day was super-volatile! Perhaps it was astrological? Venus went direct and Mercury went retrograde in the same day. Whew! There was quite a bit of combustible energy between my husband and I that day for sure. Communication was definitely not our strong point. His temper flared quite a bit and my patience waned. I think my Gemini husband is particularly sensitive to Mercury retrograde, though.

I continue to experience odd sleep interruptions and overly dry and eczema-prone skin, but now I am also re-experiencing a total inability to tolerate noise, specifically talking/conversation that seems to have no point or is superficial in nature. I just want everyone to be quite and leave me alone. I am also struggling with reactions to the overly dry air here in Texas. My nose hurts so bad (dry) that it wakes me up and keeps me from returning to sleep. 😦 My eyes shift from being dry and itchy to watery. I haven’t been able to wear my contacts for 2 months. The humidifier doesn’t help.

Nature is still the best remedy and I continue to go outside for walks or runs. Being indoors just triggers the hell out of me right now!

Then yesterday, on my way to a nearby trail for a run, I got hit with a sudden panic attack. It was early on as I was making my way to the toll road entrance ramp. The thought of driving on the toll road caused an immediate increase in my heart rate to the point that I began to feel like I couldn’t breathe and got an instant headache. The minute I shifted lanes and pulled over all of it stopped. I was still shaking as I drove home but only from the adrenaline rush. It literally felt like I narrowly avoided death, which is completely illogical in every way!

I haven’t had a panic attack like that in over a year. I don’t understand it and normally I would have just pushed through it but this one came on so suddenly that it completely threw me. My old coping mechanisms didn’t work. It was as my body gave me no choice but to turn around.

When I got home my head still hurt so I got into bed and made my room as dark as possible. After about a half hour I felt better and so took my dog on a walk/run. Not long after my husband agreed to go with me on a trail run. We went on the same panic-inducing route as I had just been on without incident and had a good run.


Dreamwork is focused on a major second chakra (sacral) blockage. It is obvious to me now that I am working through trauma from other lifetimes. There may be some from this lifetime but I have not touched on anything from this life that I am aware of.

I was awakened around 3am from an intensely sexual dream. Once again I was having sexual relations with a very young girl. This time the young girl was about 12 years old and black. I suspect she represented me from another lifetime.

The dream didn’t begin with the little girl present. At first I was with three others – a young man and his girlfriend and my own boyfriend. My boyfriend appeared to be teen aged (15-16 years old). He had very dark hair (black or dark brown) and was familiar to me. I have seen him in countless other dreams. We planned to meet every night for a week in a field (growth). I remember going to this field and seeing an old 1960’s pickup (work) parked in the field. My boyfriend and I got into the back of the pickup. I remember knowing that we had already met up for a full week and that it was time for us to have sex. Only we never had sex. The dream shifted away from the scene.

Then I was with three other women, all teen aged as well. We were also paired up, only one of the other women wanted me to consider pairing with her as well (like a threesome). She came up and asked me if I would consider her. I told her that I would not and she accepted this answer without incident.

I remember meeting up with all of the women near a river at night. It was very peaceful and serene. There was a lot of snuggling and closeness but nothing sexual. It was like we were just there to be loved.

Then I was with my female partner. She was young and black and familiar to me. When we got intimate in the dream it woke me up. The area of my body where my second chakra is located was sore and remained so for a while after. It was sore enough to keep me from getting comfortable. It was like back labor but much less intense.

I remember asking my guidance why I kept having these sexual dreams with very young girls. I was told, “Less traumatizing”. I understood then that the dreams were part of a healing process; a working through of a major second chakra blockage that was the result of lifetimes of feeling violated by men. The black girl represented me from a lifetime in which I was gang raped by a group of white boys.

Dream: The Gambler

This dream began in a yoga (balance, harmony) class. The class was very full. The teacher asked up to step back into Warrior 2. When I did I realized quickly that I did not have enough room. I had to move over and then saw I was wearing shoes that made me slip and slide.

There was discussion here about how to focus on the Nothing. It was more visual than an actual discussion. I saw two bubbles. Within them were scenes of my life. The Nothing was between the bubbles. It was made clear to me that if I remained focused on the Nothing that the issues within the bubbles would no longer be issues. Those things in the bubbles that were meant to grow into more, would. Those that were meant to resolve/dissolve, would.

Then I was going to work after a day off. My work space was alongside others. There was a long desk with several computer monitors on it. It was spotless and I knew I had cleaned (clearing work has been done) it before I left. I thought that no one must have come in on Thursday otherwise it would have been a mess.

I sat at the table (family connections) talking to my son (masculine aspect) as the yoga teacher from earlier in the dream served us food. My son wouldn’t eat but then changed his mind opting for a taco (warmth and comfort).

Then I entered into a restaurant-bar. Behind the bar was a bartender (attempt to escape). At some tables were coworkers having a beer (unconscious, avoidance). The bartender asked me if I believed a certain blue drink would be a deeper blue if served another way. I said I didn’t think it mattered. He showed me a hose hooked to a tank of blue drink. I said it did look more blue. He showed me a pink-red drink as well and said the key was to mix the two drinks. I saw an entire tank of the blue drink. Note: I think the drinks are a spin on the Matrix pills. 

Red PIll vs. Blue Pill | Red Pill | Know Your MemeHe said, “Hopefully we sell it all tonight.” I said, “It is suppose to be busy?” He nodded, “Yes. It’s always busy on Fridays (end of difficult task).” I said,”How was yesterday? Did anyone come in?” He said, “No.” I said, “I thought so. No one went to work either.”

As I walked out, I paused and looked down at my watch (feeling limited/restrained). I noticed the strap was breaking (lost track of what I need to do). I was discouraged because I had just bought a new band (wholeness) and now it was already breaking. After peeling the broken part off the band stayed on. I removed it and salvaged the broken piece and put the watch in my purse for later.

Before walking out someone at a table said something to me. All I remember now is the word “Friend” but for some reason I thought of a song. I sang, “You gotta know when to hold em….” I laughed and said, “Kenny Rogers!” As I left I was singing the entire song.

When  I woke the song felt very much like a message indicating that I would know when to act and when to wait. This has been a consistent message for me over the years and has always been true. Waiting sucks but when you make a move at the right moment things go very smoothly and you “win” in the end.



The last couple of days have been interesting. After my nauseous feeling in the grocery store the other day an urge to change has been gradually taking form. In fact, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that if I don’t do something to make my and my family’s eco-footprint smaller that I am letting down Mother Earth and the future of humanity.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling that nausea again, this time at work. It was slight and almost unnoticeable this time. However, my thoughts were stuck on shifting my way of life so that I am creating less waste. It was, at first, overwhelming. How can I make the change I want to make without completely tossing all that I have built and am use to?

My first thought was that I need to just start small. For example, stop buying paper towels and use hand towels instead. Then buying less pre-packaged foods such as the pre-washed spinach we buy weekly. But thinking of changing just these little things makes me want to change everything to the point of wishing we had an outdoor market I could visit every other day so as to avoid the grocery store altogether. In fact, just the idea of my next visit to the grocery store makes me a little sick inside. Yet I know it is unavoidable.

I talked to my husband this morning about my ideas and he is fully on board. In fact, he is wanting to be a bit more extreme than me even, suggesting we sell our house and buy and RV to live in! I told him that was a bit rash for my tastes but that a downsize was definitely on my agenda at some point in time. I just can’t imagine five people squished into an RV no matter how big it is. I might want to downsize but I still need my space!!

Currently we are discussing buying an electric car to replace our Prius when/if my MIL decides to take it. Previously we had tried to give her our Mazda5 and she refused it, despite it being completely free and clear. So we traded it in on a new minivan only to find out my MIL’s car needed more repairs and would not pass inspection. So, now we are at square one again with her needing a car and no one else in the family being in a position to really help but us. We, again, have a good, used car to offer that we owe very little on and can pay off and give to her. I am a bit reluctant, however, because she keeps changing her mind and it is infuriating me! I just can’t handle it for much longer. Who the hell doesn’t take a perfectly good FREE  used HYBRID car when offered? My MIL I guess!!!

What I envision eventually doing is rejecting the suburban life completely and opting for a communal-type living environment for my family. This would be the ideal scene but there are not many such places available around here nor nation-wide. We could, I guess, create one of our own, which would require purchasing a large plot of land (50-100 acres) and splitting the costs with other families. My husband’s family is already open to this but no action has been taken other than looking at land nearby. The ideal living situation would be a central house where gatherings and eating would take place and then smaller houses for individual families.

This is just where my heart takes me. If I continue to feel sick about my current living situation (suburbia, middle class lifestyle) then I think ultimately I will feel forced to make changes like the ones above. There also seems to be a feeling that suggests at some point humanity will “implode” and be forced into living simply again and respecting the earth. “Implode” here just means we will destroy ourselves from the inside via our habits and tendencies to over indulge. The biggest threat humanity faces is itself.


On to my dreamwork…..

A dream theme dominated last night: Test.

In the first dream I was trying to leave my house to head to school to take an “important test”. It felt like a qualifying test of some sort, like a test to graduate or make it to the next level. I was rushing about trying to get out of the house 15 minutes before the start date because I knew that was how long it would take to drive to school from my house.

When I arrived at the school I was just in time. I ran into my old best friend and her brother. Both told me not to worry and joking that they just randomly answered questions and still expected to pass. I was told to head to room #102. The lady said, “Take one right (follow the heart), then another and room #102 will be on your right.” When she said this I saw the door (entry into unknown) with the number above as if I had been in the school many times.

I woke from this dream because I was cold. The temps have been below freezing at night (28° last night) and so I have been waking around 4am with either a cold nose or feet (or both). My poor nose! lol Anyway, I returned to sleep quickly and resumed the dream theme.

This time I was with my husband heading to the school to take an important test. He wanted to stop off and socialize with the neighbors (of course!). I protested but ended up going with him. There was a gathering at a neighbor’s house to watch a movie for the kids. We all sat in their living room watching the movie but I was distracted and irritable. The neighbor was a typical suburban housewife and annoyed the hell out of me. I just didn’t like her and wanted her to go away. What I remember most about her was her very fat fingers as she offered me popcorn.

I kept checking the time to make sure we had 10 minutes to get to the school. My husband kept lingering and being overly social. Ultimately, I remember accepting I would likely be late and letting go of my biases about the housewife. When I did, she stopped looking chubby and became more normal looking. I heard a voice in the dream, like my own conscious, reminding me to stop being so critical and remember to love. The dream became more fun then and I lightened up. The housewife put on a mask (projections) from a glass covered bookshelf and was acting silly.


As I woke the feeling of a test coming was very strong. It felt important but I don’t ever know what these tests are until they arrive. As I struggled to stay warm under my covers I somehow fell into the in-between where a male guide was close. His energy enveloped me as he told me to consider that perhaps things were happening as they were to bring about new and wonderful life events that could not occur otherwise. Then I saw a vision of myself eating a soft shelled taco. Tacos symbolize warmth and comfort. A soft shelled one represents an accepting and open attitude. 🙂

As I embraced the warmth of his energy and a familiar song came to mind. This line repeated over and over: Walk along the path unknown…… My recent dream of going “off road” came to mind.

Once I acknowledged the music message the song faded and my guide said, “October 24th.” I didn’t know what it meant but felt I should check my previous blog posts for posts written on that date. I found this one: A Lesson on Aging. The last line stands out to me: “Could it be that eventually I will be faced with a situation that will test whether I am able to see past the illusions and limitations of the physical?”

So perhaps I am preparing for just this type of “test”? I can’t help but feel as if I am standing on a precipice. Perhaps many of us are about to be asked to take a leap of faith?

Nausea, Dreams and Music Message

For the past couple of mornings I have had some slight nausea. It isn’t the kind of nausea that one gets when they are sick. It is distinctly different in that it stems from my reaction to a shift in energy I think. It is like my core is reacting, withdrawing. Sadly it coincides with my husband’s return from a business trip, just like last time. 😦

Similarly, I had a sick stomach feeling when I was grocery shopping on Sunday. It happened when I looked down an isle full of food – the soup isle I think. Something about the isle and the packaged food bothered me and I reacted with disgust, my stomach twisting. I know my reaction was caused by my seeing packaged foods and feeling it was unnatural for food to be in packages. In my mind I saw an outdoor market full of fresh foods without packaging and knew that was how it should be, not on shelves in a store.

I have also been having a gag response to my whey protein shake supplement. I almost couldn’t manage to swallow it yesterday.

The food reaction feels to be a message from my HS to shift my diet to more plant based, natural foods. The gag response to energy seems to indicate a shift in vibration within my home.

Dream: Shopping

My sleep continues to be interrupted but now my dream recall is low. I often forget my dreams quickly upon waking or only remember snippets of images and feelings. There was only one dream from last night I remembered in full.

In this dream I arrived at a Wal-mart-type store at around 5:30am. Inside I was shopping for clothing but the lights were still off. A salesperson was walking through turning them on and apologized to me, saying she was just opening up. I was inspecting clothing on a rack that was mostly in the dark. The clothes on the rack were all black and of varying styles. The entire left side of the rack had dresses, some with lace, others more formal. I remember thinking the dresses were ideal for a recital or concert, neither of which I would be attending. There is a feeling here of mourning or grief related to the black clothing.

I opted to leave the store without purchasing anything. Out in the nearly empty parking lot I walked to my car and got in. I drove around for a bit trying to decide what I would do. I felt sleepy, apathetic and indecisive. My options were: go shopping or go back home to my family. Neither was appealing to me.

I parked my car (period of inactivity) and sat in it a while considering what I would do. I thought it would be nice to buy some breakfast pastries from the bakery. My children would be especially happy to have something sweet for breakfast. I noted the time – it was nearly 10am! I had no idea where all the time went.

Some more time passed with me feeling sleepy (avoidance, lack of awareness) and bored. I waited in the car in the passenger seat parked right in front of the store watching people walking in and out. For some odd reason my root chakra became noticeable. It felt like there was a ledge on the end of the car seat pressing into it and stimulating it. Energy rose and fell in my root a few times, shaking off my sleepiness.

Very aware now, I decided I should just go into the store and buy the pastry. When I attempted to open the door I almost hit another car that had just pulled in. I saw that it had no back end (incomplete or broken path). It was like the car had been cut in half allowing only for the driver/passenger seats and the engine. It had no back tires or anything!

I got out and looked at the white half-car and squeezed around to the other side of my car. I locked the car to leave but remembered I left my purse (self-identity) inside. I retrieved it and then locked it again only to remember I left something else inside. I unlocked it, retrieved it and then locked it again. It frustrated me that I kept forgetting things.

People were going into the electronics department door, which I thought was odd. I went to enter through the front only to find the entire front entrance boarded up with signs that said, “No entry. Use other door.” A crowd of people were there, all confused. There was talk of some kind of emergency situation. I got caught behind a family discussing the crisis and moved past and went into the other door.

Inside the store was not set up in a way that made sense. It seemed like all the isles were around the perimeter and there was no way into the center. I was trying to find the bakery and couldn’t. There were doors but no one was allowed to pass through them. I saw some baked bread on shelving and thought I had found the bakery but I was wrong. I finally gave up and left.

The next thing I remember is waking up inside a moving vehicle. Two young guys were inside playing around. The younger of the two, and passenger, was play-punching his brother who was driving. I asked them to please stop playing around because it was dangerous. I suggested I drive and they continue their rough housing in the back seat. The driver agreed to let me drive but kept driving for a while despite this.

He drove the vehicle, which felt like an old Jeep Wrangler or Ford Bronco, off road. I saw a field open up and saw the road on our right. The boy pointed out the road and said he often drove off road (alternate path, pave your own path) but could get back on the road. He was driving very fast over hills and rocks and came close to driving right into a gully full of mud and water. I suggested we stay off road. Soon after I saw a dirt road materialize in front of us where there had been no road. It took us into a small town.

We entered the town and he stopped the car. We all got out and he pointed to where he lived. I saw an old horse (freedom, free spirit) corral (restraint) and knew it well. It was on the way to my house. I asked if it was okay if we went to my house first and he said it would be.

As the two boys went ahead exploring on foot I felt something grab onto my fingers. It was sharp and then there was a pinch and I yelled, “Ow!” I looked down and saw a tiny white kitten (feminine energy) jumping about and being frisky. I said something to the younger brother about the kitten being very playful. He said back, “Yeah. We call her Zippy.” I watched the kitten run ahead of me, her white fur pointing straight up off her back.

The last thing I remember is the boy’s both having very thick, southern accents.

Visions and Discussion

When I woke it was still very early and I was upset to not be able to return to sleep. My guidance was near and we talked about how I was feeling. The dream seemed to indicate a lack of awareness on my part and some indecision. I found myself saying to myself something I use to say to myself a very long time ago when I was newly divorced and living on my own. I use to say, “Some day….” in attempt to give myself hope that better days were on the way. To have this memory was unexpected. It signaled to me a message asking me to consider why I would return to this self-reassurance.

At that time in my life my guidance had told me that I would meet “the one” in four years. It was the longest four years of my life! LOL I was so impatient. Every relationship I had left me wondering, “Is this it?” Of course, it never was.  When I asked my guidance, “Is he the one?”, I would always hear back, “You will Know.” It was infuriating!!!

Eventually, I completely forgot that I was told it would be four years before we met. I gave up hope but kept saying to myself, “Some day….” as if to remind myself that I just needed to wait a bit longer. By the time I had completely given up, I met my current husband and instantly Knew we would be married, have a family, etc. I did in fact Know, just as my guidance told me I would.

So, why am I finding myself saying, “Some day….” to myself again? What am I waiting for this time? It doesn’t feel the same as before, at least not in the I am waiting for “the one”. I know now there is no “one”.

A discussion commence thereafter about how humans struggle to allow things to unfold, trusting all will play out as intended and ultimately all troubles/conflicts will resolve naturally. A person can play through all possible scenarios and never see all of them. There is no way to predict how things will turn out, yet we fool ourselves into thinking if we look logically at a situation and go through all the possible scenarios we can prepare ourselves for what is to come, we can keep from hurting others….keep from making a mistake. This is conditional thinking…..a major trap we get stuck in for all our trying to be “good”, to avoid hurting others and ourselves. Ultimately, in the end, we will likely be surprised by the way it all unfolds. Either we will forget or give up (like I did in the past) or we will allow and surrender to whatever will be, trusting in the Universe to give us exactly what we want and need.

For me, I think I have learned a great deal of this lesson already. Am I perfect at it? Obviously not! I am still saying, “Some day….” to myself. LOL But in a way saying this to myself is reminding myself to not give up hope that what I want will be, to be patient and compassionate to myself along the way. The most important thing is to be clear about what I want and then allow it to be given without getting in the way of it (doubt, over-thinking, fear).

As I lingered in the in-between I felt a message coming through. It seemed to be coming from far away because it was faint, but I know these communications are not affected by physical distance. As I allowed it a familiar chorus from a song came through:

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry,
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

In finding the above video on YouTube I learned what “Rickroll” means. Never heard of it before today. Ha! Probably some message for me in that, too.

For a moment before waking I fell into the in-between. I had a vision of a man sitting in front of me wearing only a metal helmet that covered his head and throat. His eyes were not covered and he looked back at me. It seemed wrong and I worried his throat would be constricted so I took the helmet off, peeling off the top and then the part around his neck. Then I lay next to him, up against his bare chest, and used a tiny, metal pick to trace over the length of his torso. It was like I was combing his body. It felt like a type of energy work, but I’m not sure. The strangeness of it woke me up.

Healing the Wounded Masculine

There has been a message coming in consistently from my guidance lately. It is about the masculine specifically. As I come more fully into my own power, I feel more and more focused on helping to heal the masculine. As such, it seems I am being counseled in depth on what is happening with the masculine at this time and what, if anything, the feminine can do to help.

Dream: Community 

This dream started inside a bathroom (cleansing and renewal). I was standing over the sink, a bowl on my left, cracking open an egg (something new is about to happen, creative potential) into the bowl. I added another ingredient that was yellow (happiness) and mixed it in with the egg. I was having a conversation with someone the whole time, talking about what I was doing and why. The mixture was a hair mask that you shampooed into the hair to make it stronger. I remember thinking I had just washed my hair and not wanting to wash it again but still opted to lean over the side of the tub and pour the egg mixture on. I lathered my hair with the egg (clear out the old, take new approach) as I filled the tub with water (emotion). When I was done I dipped my hair into the water to rinse. I asked a woman a question about the water in the tub and saw it was my ex-MIL.

Afterward, I got out and towel dried my hair and began to braid (courage) it in a reverse  French braid. A young girl (other aspect of self) with very nappy hair was there with me. I asked her if she wanted me to braid her hair, somehow knowing she had never put it in a braid before. Instead, she spent hours curling it and trying to make it lay flat. The girl’s mom (also my ex-MIL) said her daughter had never been to the salon to have it done properly but would be going soon. I distinctly remember braiding my own hair as we talked.

Then we were going to have breakfast with the rest of the community in a large, common dining hall. I remember selecting foods for breakfast that were not breakfast foods – a leafy green salad (need to express feelings) with avocado (reward for hard work) and a chicken (cowardice) patty that had to be warmed in the toaster.

As I picked at my salad I was telling my ex-MIL that I was purposefully choosing non-breakfast foods. I also told her how much I enjoyed having meals with everyone from the community in the same place. I watched as members of the community took on different roles during breakfast. One woman specifically worked with the kids turning breakfast into a mini-school lesson. Another was organizing the next day’s meal with a small group. And yet another was doing the accounting for the community kitchen. It felt really good to see everyone involved and doing their part and to be a part of a community that accepted and appreciated me. I knew everyone would go back to their individual homes after and then meet again at the end of the day for dinner together.

My “husband” was also there, though I do not know which husband (ex or current). He took my plate from me to eat what I hadn’t, picking through my salad. I told him to look for the avocado and showed him a piece that was hidden under some spinach. I fiddled with the chicken patty, not wanting to eat it (rejecting a return to acting in fear). Reheated toaster chicken patty was not appetizing to me.

As my husband rushed to leave I watched the kids learning while they ate and thought it an excellent idea for schooling of children. Every moment a learning opportunity! Then I saw my husband messing with his motorcycle (desire for freedom, raw sexuality). He asked me to move the tires of the minivan because they were blocking his tire. I did as he asked and watched as he rolled it out as he talked to a man. I knew he was in the process of selling it.

When I turned back to the community dining area the lights were off and everyone had gone. It bothered me and I walked around looking for the door. I ended up inside a room standing in a doorway. A very, very tall man (as tall as the doorway!) was on my left and a shorter woman was on my right. They were asking me questions about my relationship with my husband and my family. I don’t recall much about the conversation now except that I was trying to get away from them. Their focus on me and my situation made me feel targeted. From what remains of the feeling behind the conversation, they were asking me about my plans. It felt like my husband had gone – permanently – like we split up. I do remember the tall man asking if I was going to get married (again or to a certain someone I’m not sure). I answered with, “I don’t plan to ever marry again.” The tall man was concerned. The feeling from him was that he disapproved. I said, “We can live together. It will be just fine. Besides, this is a community state, meaning we will be considered married anyway.” The tall man accepted this, smiling and nodding, as did the woman with him.


After I woke I entered into the in-between. I was standing facing a male friend of mine. The sense was that we were to perform a ritual together. He looked down at himself and noticed he was wearing a long, flowing, brown robe. Shocked, he looked at me and I acknowledged him without words. It felt right that he would be dressed that way.

We then walked through tall trees toward a clearing. I walked ahead of him and could see myself from outside myself. As I walked my entire body burst into flames (Kundalini perhaps?). I was like a torch, the flames rising several feet above my head. My friend walked about ten feet behind me.

As I entered the clearing, I walked toward a small circular spot marked inside of the larger circle. Somehow I knew this was my spot. There were four other smaller circles near my own but they were not occupied. I stood in my spot, engulfed in flames but not being consumed by them.

My friend walked past and to the front. I knew he would position himself in his place but I never saw where that was. Instead it was as if time shifted forward. I stood in front of my friend. He pulled a black sarong up my legs to my belly and then laced it up so that it fit snugly over my midsection. Looking down at the laces, they wove back and forth as if to protect me.

The Wounded Masculine

When I came out of my reverie it felt like a message about the masculine energy in the world right now. There is still so much healing needed! I could feel that some men were afraid of their own power. This fear is from lifetimes of abusing that power. I felt their guilt for this abuse and their resolution to suppress it by denying it. For those men who are in the midst of awakening/ascending this struggle is very real. My heart hurt for them and I wanted to help, to show them their power was beautiful, not destructive, not something to be ashamed of. I pleaded with my guidance to show me how to help them. It felt like the answer was that they needed time and a “safe” place to open up to their power so they could heal through it and become whole again.

Of course, I wondered how I, specifically, could provide this. I did not receive an answer other than to allow the masculine time to build up the courage to take the next step. The saying, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” comes to mind.

Another vision came to me then. I saw my husband walking past me towing a large, black cauldron full of boiling (emotional turmoil) water. It was so heavy that his back was bent forward with the effort of dragging it for so long. The message was not lost to me. I knew instantly that he carries with him emotion that is threatening to boil over. This emotion, if not resolved properly, has the ability to scald and burn. Not pleasant for whoever is in its path!

Then I was standing in front of a man who is familiar to me. He was walking around me in a circle as if checking me out. It felt like he was surveying the scene to determine if I was “ready” yet. I could feel the masculine power he wielded so adeptly. Here was an example of a man fully in his own power! So amazing and beautiful! I wondered where were all the other men who were like him? Why so few? My feminine power wants to fully submit to his masculine power, but not in a propitiatory way. Quite the opposite. And as such his masculine power honors and reveres my feminine power.

I knew as he circled me that what he offered I want – no need – to fulfill my purpose here. I was reminded of something I was told in an astrological reading by my friend Eric Starwalker. He told me that I have been searching many lifetimes for a strong masculine who is fully aware of and adeptly wielding his power. He told me that up until this life I have been unsuccessful and so have learned to rely on myself, but that I long for that connection.





Converging Timelines

So the long anticipated 11-11-11 is today. How do you feel? I feel normal. Yesterday I was high on life. Today a little less high but not low either. Neutral. It feels once again like a transition period, a flowing from one condition or state to another. Perhaps this is the very definition of “portal”? It seems fitting to me anyway.

I was told not along ago in a dream that 11-11-11 was the date of a “convergence”. At the time I had no idea what it meant and even speculated that perhaps it was for 2019 because in the dream the calendar I saw seemed to be a year in the future. Today, though, I’ve concluded that this convergence is the converging of timelines; a reconstitution of what was with what IS. For me, personally, this has been experienced by taking what was good and real/true from the past and pulling it forward to merge with this present timeline. All those things from the past that I’ve held onto or that have been destructive, have been laid to rest. I choose what I keep and discard, of course. We all do.

The method of deciding what to keep and discard came from looking at things that were painful to me and finding the source/truth behind that pain. Why am I still hurting? Is it based upon a lie? When I inspect it using my heart as my microscope, what do I see?

Surprisingly I discovered the basis of it all was the same as it had always been. It remained unchanged and solid despite my wanting to disassemble it with doubt. I could close off my heart and pretend it was all a dream but that didn’t make it so. It just meant it was hidden, faked out until my heart protested so loud I could not ignore it any longer.

The True Self always shines through no matter how much it is buried. The heart cannot be killed, only injured. Wounds can be healed. And the song on my mind this morning echos this message: “We’re not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again”.

The Nature Remedy

Yesterday was a really good day for me. As I have mentioned recently, this crazy all-over-the-place energy seems only to respond to one treatment – nature. I have been feeling called outside since the end of October and yesterday was no different. So I went for a trail run and spent about two hours immersed in nature. I encountered few other humans (four hikers and a mountain biker) and at least a dozen deer.

It was eerily silent on the trail. So much so that when I stopped and just listened it would trigger a tiny panic inside that was fueled by imaginings of getting lost, hurt or worse and not able to get help. When I looked at the panic I realized it came from my past trips into the Rockies in Montana. The sounds on the trail in the present mimicked those past experiences so much that it transported me to the past. Of course, the hill country of Texas is nothing like Montana and it was easy to laugh off. Instead I relished the familiarity of being surrounded by nature and feeling small and powerless to the elements/wildlife rather than in control of them. It is humbling but beautiful because with acceptance you feel One with it all, which is how it is suppose to be.

It was so enjoyable that I daydreamed about spending the entire day on the trail. It felt so much more aligned with who I am than getting back in my car and driving to suburbia!

Here are some pictures from the trail. It was overcast and cold (49°). When I got to the car I looked like I had been in a fight with a tree and lost. Hair a mess and filled with tiny needles from cedar trees (junipers). LOL


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I spent the remainder of the day after this trail run laying around and recuperating. 8 miles of running will do that. 🙂 The tiredness sent me to bed early and led to a dreamless sleep. However, I did have some conversations with my partner/guide upon waking. I need to share a previous dream for them to make sense, though.

Dream: Garage Room (11/09/18)

This dream is fuzzy now. In the beginning I saw a row of corn (domestic bliss and harmony) that stood as tall as a person. It lined the edge of a garden. I remember noticing a large mustard plant (success and wealth) growing where a corn plant should be. I mentioned to someone that it looked like a weed but rather than pull it, I looked closely at it, noting how it was flourishing. I didn’t want to pull a plant that was doing well unless it was hindering the growth of the corn, which it wasn’t.

Near the garden I saw a downed fence (barriers/obstacles) and heard a dog barking (grumpiness, disgruntled companion) persistently on the other side of it. I went to investigate and saw a standard poodle (upper class attitude) chained (feeling retrained) to a post. It was barking so ferociously that it broke the chain (released) and came running at me. I wasn’t afraid, though, and let it yip at my feet. The owner of the dog had come out and was watching from the stoop of her house. I thought it odd that she would just let the fence lay there on the ground and not do something to fix it so that her dog could be contained.

The dog quieted and licked my hand (protection, fidelity) as I walked toward the woman. She took me inside the house (self) and I saw that it was very small, like one bedroom. I could see all the rooms from the center of the house. Through the window I could see that the house had a very small yard and was positioned in such a way that it was at the end of a dead-end street. The woman said that the yard was maintained by the subdivision and that her husband only had to tend to the small patch of grass where the dog had been.

I noticed a den (work, efficiency) along the side of the living room (boundary between public and private self). It had closet (keeping something hidden) doors on it and on the other side was the laundry room inside the bathroom (cleansing). I remember thinking it big enough to be considered a second bedroom (private self, sexual nature). Inside the den there was a strange ledge. I was told it was to allow for the parked car in the garage. I realized the room was actually part garage (inactivity, idleness, feeling lack of direction) and not big enough to be a bedroom after all.

Vision and Message

When I woke this morning and had no dream memories I lingered in bed for a while. My partner in Spirit was close and reassuring me that what I want will manifest. As we talked I fell into the in-between. I was running along a dirt trail when I came upon a field of mustard in bloom. Underneath the tall mustard grass I could see old, gray tombstones – a cemetery. Seeing this brought me out of my reverie quickly. My guide told me that he was there to help; that he wanted me to have what I want in life and was there to help it manifest. It was reassuring to me to have him so close, to know I am not alone.

To dream of being in a cemetery symbolizes the end to a habit or behavior; the experience of a rebirth. It can be sadness, unresolved grief and/or fear of death, too. The feeling of this particular cemetery was that something is being “put to rest”.

Mustard symbolizes success and wealth. This is in contrast to the dream (above) where there was just one mustard plant blooming alongside rows of corn. It seems the success part is growing exponentially.

Alongside the cemetery symbolism, the message seems to be that when something is put to rest – dies – something new can be born. This something new, symbolized by the mustard plants, bring success. That is a message I am glad to receive! I am not sure what is “dying” here, though, but most certainly it is related to the past.

Extreme Energy

The energy lately has been all over the place. I wish it would just make up it’s mind already! My sleep patterns are most impacted. I wake often throughout the night and then wake up at 4:30-5am and can’t go back to sleep. My emotions seem to go with energy – high, low, neutral, zoned out/bored. The last few days I’ve been all over the place with fluctuations so frequent that I wonder about my sanity! Getting outside has helped, but only temporarily. I often find myself daydreaming about going camping for a few days by myself just to ground out this energy and feel somewhat sane. Sadly, I can’t do that with my husband in N.Y. leaving me once again with all the responsibility on my shoulders.

To give you a taste of how the energy is impacting me, the other morning I woke inundated with memories from the past and feeling urged to dig up things that I had been avoiding. I had a few indications from the Universe that I needed to stop avoiding, but did I listen? Nah. I avoided all I could until the messages started coming through.

The first message was this:


While making breakfast I cracked open a double yolked egg. I hadn’t seen one in ages and knew right away it was a message, so I snapped a pic and looked up the meaning. Seems it can mean several things – fertility, good luck, pregnancy. The last doesn’t apply to me, of course, but it can mean someone close to you is pregnant, which is true (SIL). I saw it as a sign related to what I was being urged to do, something related to soul family connections and Oneness (2 are 1 type symbology). Of course, it could be good luck I suppose. That would be welcomed, too.

Right around that same time I saw 20-20 somewhere but I can’t recall where. I don’t see that number combination often either so I took note. 20-20 means clarity of some kind is present. This sign finally got me to listen and do what I was being urged to do.

So I got to digging deep and allowing thoughts, considerations, and emotions to surface as best I could. It was difficult because my daughter had the stomach flu and was home from school for two days, thus distracting me quite a bit as you can imagine. It took me two days to sift through past crap!

Then, yesterday, after all was said and done, I was feeling a bit neutral, as if in a void or transition period, when the electricity suddenly went out for no reason. I happened to look at the time and it was 11:11am. My first thought was it was not a good sign. In fact, I still believe so. In my mind electricity = Kundalini = Divine Connection. So the message I felt was that the “power has been cut” and the connection is “dead”. Yeah, not so good.

Later last night the weather shifted, the temperature dropped drastically, it got windy and began to rain. Then the power went out yet again for no apparent reason. So like the energy lately, weather here in Texas is bipolar! Earlier this week it was warm and humid with highs the 70’s and low 80s and now it is in the low 50s, rainy and windy.

The next morning I felt very pessimistic. That void of nothingness was visiting me again. I hate the void. It’s a vast empty feeling and it exacerbates my tendency to feel sorry for myself and want to opt out of life. I know it is just a phase, one I go through often, but still it is hard not to fall into “poor me” thinking.

Yesterday at work I felt odd. There were moments where I thought for sure I would collapse in a heap on the floor from a sense of internal imbalance. This happened only a few times. There was also this odd throat chakra energy that spanned from my high heart all the way into my mouth making it feel as if I was choking. Both sensations seemed not to be mine, but another’s. It was as if I was tuned into someone else and thus taking on what they were feeling.

Then, in the middle of the day and quite unexpectedly, I received a blast of love straight to my heart. I felt a communication coming through just prior to it. It was as if someone was checking in, saying “Hey, how are you doing? Just wanted to say I love you and am thinking of you.” How I even heard it, I don’t know because I was completely immersed in my work. The love was so beautiful that I immediately became physically hot and tears streamed down my cheeks. They were happy tears, though. I was overjoyed. Yet, the tears were also fearful, fearful of losing that love and connection. And then there was this underlying hurt like an open wound. All I wanted to do was make it better.

So as you can see I’ve been all over the place. This energy is like no other. It seems to be pushing me through a veil of my own making.

Thankfully, I am not physically ill or experiencing any major symptoms. In fact, I was just thinking how healthy I have been this year compared to previous years. No stomach flu, no major colds or sinus infections. It has been really nice!

Now onto last night’s dreams….

Dream: Flying Lessons

I was on the beach (meeting of two states of mind) with a group of people, all young and hopeful. I remember seeing the ocean to my left and feeling carefree and happy to be there on the beach. I was jumping (need to take a risk; go for it) up really high into the air and the group was astonished at how high I could jump. They were all jumping, too, but not nearly as high. I slowed and showed them how I was doing it, evening lingering in the air for a bit. The sensation of flying was very memorable and joyful. I don’t know how I didn’t become lucid from all the flying.


Dreamed of going into the bathroom (cleansing) to get the laundry for washing. When I went to pick up the clothes baby roaches (need to evaluate something, uncleanliness) came out. I noticed that some of the clothes were very wet (emotion), all of them were my husband’s. I was upset with him for tossing wet clothes in the hamper (avoiding emotion and cleansing) and allowing it to sit so long that roaches were making a nest.


Dream: Loving Myself

This dream began in a convertible (feeling powerful) driving up a mountain road. We stopped and I climbed out. With me was a dark haired man and woman, a couple I seemed to know and be related to. There was a gift bag (receiving a gift) in the passenger seat containing new clothing for a woman, tags still on. Underneath the clothing (outward appearance) was a ton of money (success) – $100 bills in $1000 bunches. I asked where it came from and the man said his dad must have put it there. It felt like the man’s father was a mob boss or in crime (inner conflict) and the son was inadvertently doing work for him. I suggested we leave the money in another car and only take one bunch of $100 bills just to be safe. I kept picturing the couple getting in trouble for something they didn’t know they were doing. I placed the money under the driver’s seat in another car.

I noticed some abandoned trailers (burdens) nearby and grew curious suggesting we explore them. Without hesitating I went inside one noticing it had been gutted. The floor moved (instability) whenever the wind blew outside and so I was very cautious as I walked through the trailer, telling the couple to be careful. It looked like the trailer was breathing. There was a white table with chairs in the center of the trailer. Along the right wall was a door. When I opened it there was a bathtub (cleansing) inside and nothing else. A tiny window allowed viewing of whoever was inside the tub. Next to this was an open room with a viewing glass spanning the length of the room. Inside the room was lined with plush, velvet pillows piled along daybeds lining the perimeter. I could see sex toys specifically for men in the room. Several were clear latex vagina-looking sex toys. I remember commenting that it must an orgy room. I remember thinking that it was a sex ring and feeling I should leave.

As I began to leave I heard noise indicating people were arriving. I tried to leave without being seen, not wanting to be associated with such a place, but as I went through the door I bumped into a man. I remember seeing his face as I paused to move out of his way. He had this expectant, excited look. Confused I sought what was making him look so excited and realized both of my breasts (feminine sexuality) were exposed. They were way bigger then in normal life, so big they covered my belly button. I moved past him and outside, looking for a place to hide. I could hear more people entering the establishment and so hid alongside the outside of the trailer hoping no one would see me.

As I sat in the cool grass (ease, healing), pushed up against the side of the trailer, a small girl approached me. She had blonde hair and blue eyes. She began to talk to me asking me why I was hiding. She was small, maybe 10 years old, and very innocent and curious. She came up and said, “Hi! Why are you over here all alone? Are you a teacher? All the teachers are in this section, not that in that one.” She pointed to the one I just left. The other section, was reserved for others, I can’t remember what she called them now. Students maybe. I told her I didn’t think I was a teacher.

She asked me, “Will you be my teacher?” I didn’t know quite what she meant and hesitated to answer. The girl snuggled close to me and began to touch me gently, tracing her fingers along the bare skin of my arm. I could feel what she was feeling and she was appreciating me, thinking me beautiful. I also sensed that she felt she was suppose to act a certain way, a very adult way. It made me feel sorry for her. I thought she must have grown up around the sex ring, seeing much more than a child her age should see. I was upset at her father for bringing her to such a place. How could he do that to his daughter?

Then I remember her climbing on top of me and kissing me on the lips. It was a closed mouth kiss and the feeling was that she was playing, practicing what she had seen others do. I played along but was a bit in shock, still feeling sorry for her but not judging her or rejecting her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

After a few more similar kisses she grabbed my hand and put it on her crotch. She asked me to touch her there. When she did this I froze. I was overcome with such sadness realizing she had likely been molested to even know of such things. Yet the girl was still so innocent and trusting of me, she had no shame and I could tell she felt it was the right thing to do. She was literally trying to please me.

At this point she was laying on top of me. I could see her bare back in such detail – the tiny hairs, the tanned skin, the way her back curved up to her shoulders. I thought her very beautiful, amazingly so. It reminded me of my own body when I was her age. I think at this point in the dream I identified with this little girl, it felt like she was a part of me.

I slowly pulled my hand away from her genital region, telling her very gently, “No”. I could feel her in detail, as if I had touched her there a million times. Again, she felt like me and the sense of this was strange, as if I stopped time and merged the past and present. I felt only love and compassion. My intention was to nurture, love and protect her.

Then I did something unexpected. I took her hand and put it in my crotch like she had done to me. I said, “Here. Like this.” She seemed to immediately know what I was asking and she inserted her finger into my vagina. When she did this my root chakra began to activate and my lucidity peaked. I didn’t wake up right away, though. Instead, I remember feeling a bit confused as to what I was experiencing but not protesting it or pushing it away, though I wanted to because to be with a child like that is wrong. Yet I sensed whatever was occurring was healing and so I didn’t interfere.

When I woke my root chakra was intensifying, the energy just beginning to move up into my second chakra. I knew that the dream girl was me, maybe my inner child, the innocent version of me who only knew love and wanted to be loved. There were no feelings of shame or guilt, just pure expression and exploration. There was no way I could criticize her but I did feel a sadness for her. I was sad that she knew so much at such a young age. She only wanted to please but had been taught that sex was the primary way to please another.


The discussion upon waking was centered around self-love. I was instructed to focus inward to find what I was seeking and not focus on the surging energy in my root chakra. I shifted positions and the energy in my root gradually dissipated. I could feel energy in other areas – my head and heart specifically. The conversation was mostly telepathic; a Knowing replaced words. What I was told was that I still had some healing to do, but that I was very close.

Yesterday I was wondering about something that may have come up in this dream for inspection. I wondered what others would answer to this question: Which would you pick – a relationship and true partnership with another built upon a foundation of love and support, or a life filled with material security, never wanting for anything, but devoid of deep connection and love?

I remember thinking that I have always chosen the latter, so I have no memory of the former manifesting. It seems that survival trumps love, that I have opted time and time again to forgo love for security. Yesterday I was thinking my choices have been denying me exactly what I need/want/deserve in life. Perhaps the dream with the little girl was showing me a piece of myself that has been covered up and denied for too long? Showing me that she misunderstood love and needed to be taught what love really is?

When I first experienced a heart-connection the end of 2015, a vision (or memory?) came to me that seemed impossible until that time. The feeling with this vision/memory was the most memorable. In the vision I saw myself upset, standing in front of the stove trying to cook dinner. I was frustrated, feeling all kinds of emotion and becoming angry for the inability to cope. My partner came up from behind and wrapped his arms around me. I could feel from him this overwhelming love, understanding and support as he held me. All my upset and resistance melted away and a deep calm enveloped me. I stood there letting the food overcook, falling into his energy knowing everything would be okay. It felt more like a memory than a vision of what was to come, though it may have been both. I knew in that instant that love like that was possible and available to me. Before that I had no concept of love like that. Up to that point, love had always been an exchange built upon mutual dependence/need.

The more I learn what real love is, the more my choice to the above question changes. I am getting close to being able to completely change my answer because it feels like choosing the first option – love – brings just as much, if not more, security than the second.

Message: Houston, We Have a Problem

I’ve been getting urged to focus on healing a specific issue, to open up again to something I’ve shut myself off to. I agreed because it felt like the only answer to how I’ve been feeling lately.

I’ve been experiencing a kind of odd detachment. It manifests only when I slow down and stop distracting myself with other things. Some nights, as I lay down to sleep, I notice another aspect of myself getting up and leaving the room very quickly, as if she is running away. I actually see and sense her. She’s like an apparition. And when I try to focus on her I get sleepy and feel a vast emptiness inside. In the midst of feeling this emptiness I was encouraged to “open up”, so that is what I am trying to do but it is proving very difficult.

Dream: Lost Car

The dream began with me navigating my car (life path) through an unfamiliar city. It felt to be up north somewhere with large, white skyscrapers and one-way city streets. I parked my car and walked through several buildings heading toward an unknown destination. I seemed to wind through the streets and through buildings looking for something.

I came to a large community center with tall glass windows. I walked inside, through rooms and hallways that led into a small room in the back. The room was a golden brown color and filled with a handful of people listening to a man at the front of the room.

I joined the group as if I had been planning to attending the gathering all along. Everyone was sharing stories of specific spiritual experiences. I couldn’t wait to share mine but as time passed and it became later and later, I realized I was last and likely would not get a turn. The man facilitating the group seemed only to be listening but I think he was also taking these experiences and sorting them for the individual, like a kind of healing.

As it approached closing time (9pm) I began to feel restless and paced back and forth. In my mind I was going over the story I was going to share. I saw the roots (root of an issue, deep into subconscious, history) of a tree, black (unknown, buried) and spreading like a disease through the ground. I knew these roots communicated (need to address issue).

I told the group I had to leave and they accepted my departure without issue. As I left the lights were being shut off and the clock was at 9pm (9 = completion, rebirth).

As I attempted to make my way out of the building I ended up on stairs with many others heading down to the entrance (delving into subconscious). Confused because I had not come in that way, I got more disoriented when I walked outside. I wandered around a while looking for my car and specifically focused on my water bottle (keep hopes up, rejuvenation). After a long time I began to get frantic and stopped a woman who worked in one of the nearby lots asking her to help me. She walked with me for a while calling other lot attendance and staying close to me. I told her my car was a silver Prius but in my mind I saw a water bottle.

Eventually, after hours more of wandering without locating my car, I gave up. It felt like complete surrender in the dream; like I was okay with never finding my car. I went inside another building and sat down, accepting my fate. Then, I heard my husband say my name and turned as he walked up to me. He had in his hand my water bottle and said something about being contacted by a lot attendant about a lost car. He told me the car was found 7 (alignment, enlightenment) miles away. He couldn’t understand why I would park so far away. I took my water bottle from him but didn’t recognize it at first. I could feel my thirst (unmet need, void in life) in the dream, but I didn’t drink. I thanked the lady who helped me as she was still with me.

AUTOSEAL® Cortland | BPA-Free Reusable Water Bottle | 24oz ...The dream shifted a bit here and I found myself inside a clinic (healing) of some sort. I entered a waiting room with a woman and saw a young, dark haired boy/man sitting there. In an adjacent room I could see a nurse tending to a baby (new beginnings). It was completely naked and female, its genital area exposed. The strange thing is that it had long, silver fingernails (on the defensive) and I knew it had been experimented on genetically, everyone in the clinic had been.

Outside in the waiting room I saw that everyone (all naked) had strange, metallic blue objects attached to their genital area. The objects were triangular (body, mind, spirit; truth) in shape, two triangles inside the other. It seemed to clip on making the person look androgynous.

The young man was familiar to me and seemed to be the object of my focus. What I recall most here is wanting to get us both out of there. I think I also had on one of the triangular devices.

There was another shift in the dream and I was at my Mom’s house with the young man. He felt like family and though I did not realize it in the dream, he was the same dark haired boy/man I have seen in countless other dreams. He was completely naked standing next to me and inviting me to go into the bedroom (intimacy, vulnerability) with him. I began to follow him but then stopped off in the bathroom (cleanse and renew). He followed me inside as I lingered.

When I left the bathroom I was distracted by my Mom who had a large box of cookies (temptations, sweets of life) at the kitchen table. I went to investigate. The cookies were frosted sugar cookies with all sorts of images on them. Some were the size of my hand and a few others were smaller. When I was offered a large, bowl-shaped cookie I said, “Oh that’s too big for me. I prefer something like….that one.” I selected a small cookie decorated as a red schoolhouse (lessons).

My attention went back to the dark haired boy/man who was waiting patiently for me. I could feel that he wanted privacy and his invitation to the bedroom would likely lead to more. I don’t know if I was afraid but I resisted going with him. At this point I remember noticing he had on blue boxer shorts and and I also had on something to cover my nether regions (ashamed of something, hidden aspects). We were both naked from the waist up, though.


When I woke a song was going through my head:

Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart

As I heard the song going through my mind I realized I had been hearing it in the dream when I encountered the dark haired boy/man. I recognized him, then, and wondered about his sudden appearance after such a long time. The main dream I remember him from was a Kundalini dream. In it he was setting fire to the treetops and laughing as I tried to drown out the fires with water from a hose. It was a panicky dream. Subsequent dreams were just as intense.

I also wondered why he appeared as a young adolescent man (mid-teens). Was this representative of some stage of development? And then the song, was it a message from him to me? Or a message from me to him? It seemed like a message nonetheless.

My guidance was close but not really saying much. In the midst of my confusion from the dream I heard a message, though: “Houston, we have a problem.”

I was encouraged again to “open up” and as hard as I tried, I could not contact the feeling of openness in my heart that I knew should be there.

I had a flash of a vision of my guide standing alongside more dogs than I could count. It felt like a huge line of protection was being provided. But from what?

The dream seems to point to an issue with my lower chakras. Not only does the triangle symbolize this but also the silver fingernails on the baby as well as the boxer shorts and covering of the genital region at the end of the dream. So, I seem to be trying to protect myself from something.

I finally contacted some emotion, albeit briefly, right as I was getting out of bed to get my kids ready for school. The emotion is connected to the unrequited love feeling. It seems always to linger under the surface. I have grown adept at pushing it down, swallowing the tears and heartsickness. I understood, then, what “open up” meant – I need to allow these feelings. But when I have allowed them they only seem to intensify to the point that I feel they will ultimately be the death of me.