Divine Experience & Dream: Prescription

I had an interesting experience last night prior to sleep. As I settled down to sleep, rolling over onto my side, I briefly checked in with my guidance because the day had been a stressful one. Not only had I awakened with a dream suggesting I might have a TIA (stroke/blot clot) this year but everyone in my house was on edge all evening. My daughter was all over the place emotionally, my youngest was crying and whining and my husband was overly critical and negative. At one point I had to separate everyone, even the dog, just to get some peace for a few minutes. There was definitely some kind of energy disruption on-going! I, personally, was not my best because I had not eaten enough and anytime I do that I am super cranky.

I didn’t check-in with my guidance for any other purpose than to see if there was anything they wanted to pass onto me before bed. When I “check-in” I literally just send my attention out to my guidance, like feelers. There are no words, just attention or maybe “receptivity” is a better word. It’s like me saying, “Ready to receive”.

There was an immediate response but it was not an expected one. Because the response was without words it is hard to convey in words, but I will try. It seemed like I was instructed to do something because I felt myself comply to a request. The best I can do is to say that I was asked to, “Look” or put my attention somewhere, but that somewhere was not a destination or location. What I remember most is the sense of Knowing that I should “breathe in” and when I did I swear something came into me, like a whoosh….flood….inflow. I was filled with the most beautiful feeling. It was like my entire Being was FULL, complete…..Whole.

I kept breathing this Beingness into me and with every breath I felt more complete, more full of….Love? Divinity? Serenity? I don’t know what to call it but it was blessed, amazing, pure wonder and awe at Creation.

It was as if I could feel every molecule in the air, every living, breathing part of the air. And it wasn’t just the air that I could taste/sense/feel! I could feel everything in the room – the furniture, the house, the bed…all the contents of the space I was in. It was all a part of me and with every breath in I felt more alive because of it.

You can imagine my smile. I think I took bigger breaths than I have ever taken.

If I had to give what I was breathing in a name I would say it was prana. That was what came to mind then anyway and it still feels to be the most accurate description of the experience.

The trippy part of it all is that I was not in the in-between, not asleep. I was fully conscious and in this human body!

I could sense my guide all around me. It was like I was breathing him in, too. The message from him was that he was part of me. We are one and the same. I have heard that a million times before it seems but never, ever have I actually felt it, understood it like I did in that moment.

Sadly, it didn’t last and eventually I returned to feeling “normal”.

In my attempt to understand what had just happened I was flooded with memory. Memory of all the times in dreams and OBEs when I felt the Divine love and friendship feeling wash over me. It occurred to me that I had just experienced a version of that same feeling, the physical…..human version. And that it would not be the last time I would feel it. I Knew this was just the beginning.

It IS possible to feel the Divine – the Oneness of all Creation – from within this human vessel, conscious and aware of this physical body/reality. It is like two worlds merged within me. OMG it was/is so beautiful.

The cool thing is that I can exist all the time with that feeling, that Knowing, without any issue. I know I can. Previous to this experience I thought it impossible. Ha! So not true!

When I asked why the experience ended I was reminded that belief was the answer. Belief in that if I believed it was possible, then it would be. If I believed it was not possible, or if I doubted my experience in any way, then it the results would be altered to that belief. Interesting!

Dream: Prescription

I slept deeply and with very little memory of my dreams and astral travels. The main dream I recall took place in a doctor’s office. I remember sitting in the waiting room thinking, “I am just 41. I’m too young for this!” “This” was in reference to a pill (looking for answers) that was being created just for me. It was designed to treat my ailment, which was never revealed in the dream. I remember sitting with a woman who was creating a special formula for me. I saw percentages written on paper alongside the specific issues to be treated. This percentage for this issue and this percentage for another and so on and so forth. Unfortunately, I cannot recall the issues. When complete, the woman turned in the formula and out popped a red pill. One pill to treat all that ailed me.

As the pill was being dispensed a pharmacist or doctor interrupted and suggested that one part be removed. The part of the pill that was to treat indigestion (bothersome problem). He said I didn’t need any and he adjusted the percentage of the indigestion medicine to very low – like 1%. Then he removed it completely.

fish-in-aquarium-with-rocks

Dream: October 31

This dream was early this morning. I was in my bedroom preparing for the day. It was very early and my son’s birthday (which today is his birthday but symbolically it means self-acceptance). I remember being sluggish and lingering in bed because I didn’t want to wake up yet.

Eventually I got up and began to select the clothes (one’s persona) I would wear. I remember picking out some blue jeans (more relax position), jeans I once owned a long time ago. When I put them on I noticed I had on large, Duck Boots (one’s power in position and movement). I had to take them off and found another pair of boots underneath. When I removed that pair of boots there was yet another pair. I kept the final pair on. They made me at least 2 inches taller.

My mom was with me and she mentioned I also had on two shirts. I kept both on because it was cold outside. I knew the date was October 31st (Halloween symbolizes the temporary adoption of a new persona where one feels less inhibited and more comfortable to express themselves).

Then I remember being on the floor looking at a fish aquarium (acknowledged but unconfronted emotions) and noticing that I had an extra plant that would not fit. My BIL was with me and I told him I planned to get out our 20 gallon aquarium and move half the fish into it and the plant as well. I explained that our main aquarium was overcrowded and I pointed out the tiny fish inside.

There was discussion about the birthday party after that but it is hazy now. I remember knowing my son and daughter had missed the bus. My husband would have to take them into school but that was okay. In the meanwhile they were outside riding in the neighbor’s go Kart (there’s the go Kart again!). I looked out the window and smiled as I saw them driving it around. Usually I would be upset at my husband for making them late for school, but I didn’t care.

I was awakened by my son. I noticed the time – 6:47am. The bus comes at 6:55ish. I thought, “He going to be late.” Eventually I just got up and just in time, too. He almost did miss the bus! lol

 

 

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January 3 Dreams: House of Spiders

I couldn’t sleep last night. It was not because I wasn’t tired.

First, the events leading up to my inability to sleep.

My husband has a two week Christmas break that goes along with the schools in the area. Every year he uses the break to stay as busy as he can. This usually means he still takes business calls and does work from home. It also means he has one or more projects he is juggling. These projects are not work related. For example, this year he decided he would add onto the tree house he built in our back yard. The kids never use it but he thought it would be great to make another higher level. The level is so high that it scares me to climb up to it. It’s too high for little kids.

He’s finished the tree house two days ago. Yesterday he opted to get out his chainsaw and randomly cut down trees. This took him all day to do. His next plan is to build a retaining wall and fence. I don’t know how he will accomplish this when he has a camping trip planned today.

In the meantime he invited two boys to spend the night without telling me. I had been out doing errands and when I returned my house was in chaos and my husband was still outside cutting down trees. Normally it would not be an issue to have a sleepover going on but the entire break my husband has hardly been in the house. He doesn’t help watch the children or do anything to assist me. Yet he invites two additional children over while I’m out, doesn’t supervise them and had no intention of helping supervise them.

In additional to all of the above, my youngest got overtired and came to me at 6pm complaining of an earache. He fell asleep with some coddling only to be awakened by my daughter and her tantrum throwing. From around 7pm until 10pm he was inconsolable. My husband was in his office room working the entire evening. When I asked him for help with our youngest he told me, “Just let him cry.” The sleepover was in full swing by this time as well and my daughter was still crying over a lie she had been caught in.

I tried to juggle all of it but eventually lost my cool and left our youngest in the office on the bed. He was still crying but since it was in my husband’s work space he had to take time to console him or else go insane by the crying. For about an hour this worked and I got some peace but it didn’t last.

I heard our youngest crying and so went to investigate. I nearly got run over by the two boys who were sleeping over. Our middle son has passed out in bed and so the two were running all over the house screaming. They had completely trashed a bedroom in the process.  I found my husband asleep on the sofa next to a very upset, wailing in pain little boy. How he could sleep through the crying, I don’t know!

Within minutes I was able to calm our son and get him to sleep. My husband got up in a zombie-like state and went upstairs, oblivious to me and our son.

By the time I was able to get to bed I was exhausted. Yet when I tried to sleep I would be bombarded with strange images of enormous toys and other imaginary things. The feeling I had was of being super hyper. No matter how I tried I could not get the energy to dissipate and the images continued to plague me. One time I was nearing sleep when a giant toy threw an object at me in my near-dreamstate. I swear I felt it when it hit me in the face!

After a couple of hours of unsettling images of giant toys and strange energy I pleaded with my guides to help me. I realized soon after that I was somehow picking up on the boys and their dreams/thoughts/energy. I was advised to protect and ground my energy. I tried this but kept being pulled into their dream imagery. Eventually, though, I was able to stave off the worst of it and began to settle down.

It was 2am before the images and energy stopped. I still felt uneasy, though. I decided to lay on my back and just rest/mediate for a while. My guide was helping me the entire time. What I recall next is speaking in a foreign language that I thought of as “Native American” though I cannot say that was the language for sure. In front of me I could see a golden tablet filled with symbols/letters of an unknown language. My guide was speaking the language with me. I have no idea what we were saying but I remember knowing what I was saying was special and helpful. I also felt my guide and I were not alone. There was a circle of others surrounding us.

Image result for image of 0s and 1s

Eventually I became super aware of what was going on and felt the familiar heavy blanket of energy indicative of the trance state. It did not come on gradually either. It was instantaneous to the point that it startled me. Along with the strange energy came hypnagogia – millions of 1’s and 0’s in random order. As I looked into the images I saw pictures take form. All of it was typical of deep trance. I knew I was one step away from being able to exit my body consciously. However, I could not get my mind to settle. The energy, images and overall sensation was too alerting to my conscious mind.

I emerged from the trance state and re-entered it more times than I could count after that. I know I was receptive to messages at this time but all I remember now is Knowing/saying to someone that I could not bring the memories back with me. It was like I was purposefully being kept just on the verge of sleep most of the night. There was a strong sense of connecting with the minds of others in my house. It was unsettling and uncomfortable to me to the point of scaring me several times. I felt unable to control this odd telepathy. I felt too wide open, too receptive. There was also the familiar sensation of the energy mask across my face the whole time. My entire head was ablaze with energy and it was not welcome. I wanted it all to STOP.

Dream: House of Spiders

At some point this morning I was allowed to enter into some dreams. The main dream I recall is of visiting a house that had a massive spider infestation (feeling trapped in a situation or relationship). Most of the spiders stayed hidden in the attic (hidden/repressed). However, as the dream progressed the spider problem became greater to the point that they were coming out in plain sight (made to see the issue).

There was a story playing out with the spider house. In it I was visiting a couple and the husband seemed to have an interest in me. It made me uncomfortable, especially when he became more open about his intentions. I remember he took me in a car to his place of work. I was watching his infant son (innocence, warmth, vulnerability) and keeping an eye on things. The whole time there was a feeling of wrongness but now all I can recall is the spiders. They were everywhere.

Eventually there was discussion about fogging the house to rid it of the spiders. The spider infestation was spreading and had to be stopped. When this information was presented I remember feeling guilty for my interactions with the husband even though I had done nothing wrong.

Dream: Closed Christmas Toy Factory

In this dream I arrived at a factory (repetitious thinking and old ways of doing things) with a little girl and her mother. The factory was solid gray (depression, fear, confusion) with no windows. It looked very bleak. As we walked inside we saw signs that it was closed for the rest of the year. It was like a Santa’s workshop attraction and was open only during the Christmas (associated with family) holiday season.

Despite it being closed we walked up a long, solid gray ramp (struggles toward goal) and into an area with a couple of tables. The little girl sat down at one of the tables. She had with her a doll she had brought along. She put to doll under her chair. The mother approached and asked the girl where he doll was. The girl pointed to it and the mother picked it up. The doll came to life (need to escape current problems/responsibilities) and was moving like a real person. She was a miniature human, perfect in every way.

Afterward

When I woke it was 6:30am and despite not getting much sleep I was wide awake again. My thoughts were on my life, things that were bothering me and that I needed to get done. My third-eye was active and I was hearing a song in my mind – Fire and the Flood by Vance Joy. Over and over I heard: Anywhere I go there you are. It didn’t make sense to hear that song again.

I had a familiar feeling, one I haven’t had in a long time. It wasn’t overly strong but it was noticeable. I felt a need to get out. I recalled a day last week, one I didn’t write about for an inability to express what I was feeling. It relates to the Kundalini and how it has changed me. I sought help in a FB group because I needed to know what my future might hold. The answers I got were not helpful or promising and I ended up in tears from the frustration and inability to cope. My guides interrupted my tears and said, “Your life is not in balance.” What they said felt right but still I had/have no idea how to bring it into balance.

Upon waking my mind felt like a jumble of too many problems or things that are wrong. There is a part of me that feels I am being trodden upon by my life and should stand up for myself. She is demanding I take action. There is another part that feels unable to do anything about anything. The apathy is killer and I am suffocated by it every time. I feel weak, destroyed, beaten down by life. I keep hoping someone or something will come in and save me from it. No one comes. Nothing changes.

In considering my dreams and how they may be giving me an idea of what to expect in March this year, I am not feeling too optimistic.

 

 

Kundalini Dream and Message from my Higher Self

I continue to experience energetic shifts here and there and my dream recall has been phenomenal. My guides are making themselves known toward the evening hours, throughout my dreams and during the in-between state. Currently I have at least two guides entering my energy field – one male and the other female. I do not have names and don’t care to know. They tend to not care either but sometimes they will give me a name. Until one does they will just be “guides” and part of my “Team”.

Kundalini Dream

The Kundalini is stirring a bit as well. In a dream last night I was sitting alongside a plain looking man with light hair who was a bit pudgy. He reminded me of my ex-husband in some ways. We were discussing fishing and planning a trip together. I was interested in him and he in me but when I attempted to get closer he withdrew and completely put up his guard.

He left and I sat alone until a woman approached. She was tall and thin with dark hair and eyes. She introduced herself as the man’s wife and I immediately understood why he withdrew and said, “Ah! I get it now! If I were in his shoes I would have turned and walked away from me immediately upon recognizing the intensity of our connection.” Someone warned me of the man’s wife, though, saying, “Be careful of that one.” They explained that the two were married only because they felt they had to be, not because they were in love and the woman was very manipulative. I wasn’t concerned, though, and began to talk with her very openly about various subjects. We got along beautifully.

One thing I noticed was she did not shave her legs. I asked her a question about it and we began to compare our unshaved legs. lol Somehow our closeness shifted into curiosity, her being obviously more experienced with women than I. Eventually I followed her into a bedroom and closed the door, only I found myself standing on the outside of the door rather than inside.

As I waited my root chakra activated and exploded with such intensity that it woke me up. When I woke the energy was still swirling and rising upward. What is odd is the way it made my physical body feel. It was like every nerve ending in my skin was super sensitive. No one was physically touching me, yet it felt like I was being touched and every touch caused an explosion of ecstasy that then radiated across my entire body. I have never taken the drug known as Ecstasy but I imagine that it would make me feel the way the Kundalini was making me feel in those moments. Wow.

Message from my Higher Self

My suddenly sensitive skin was awesome and I lingered in a relaxed state enjoying the feeling of it. During this time my male guide was talking to me. I can’t recall the specifics or our conversation now but I do remember Knowing that he was part of Me and associating him with my Higher Self. In my memory is an image of me going “up” and into him but he was very large, taking up the entirety of my visual field. Part of the message was that I was to rejoin him soon and when I did I would be “changed”. Again it was the “there’s no turning back” message. I remember him asking if I was ready and I eagerly said that I was. Of course I was feeling very good at the time so I was ready for more! lol However, he warned me that with pleasure comes pain. One does not exist without the other. He explained that they are and have always been the same feeling. There is no difference. I understood with full Knowing what he said because from his perspective the sensation of pain and pleasure are one and the same. From mine they are separate. He used the example of orgasm to try and explain the pain/pleasure phenomena but I became more aware of what was being said and my human mind muddled my understanding.

Though most of what was said is lost to me now I do recall asking my guide to keep me from waking up when the Kundalini begins to rise. I feel like my waking up interrupts the movement of energy and has kept me from a full-on rise. He explained that I will eventually be capable of ignoring the pleasurable sensation. I could not see how that was possible but then understood that it was likely I would become desensitized to it if I experience it enough. In fact, I have already lost my craving for it, which is a good sign.

Other Dreams

When I returned to sleep I found myself in various dreams, some more lucid than others. In one of my semi-lucid dreams I was invisible (withdrawing from life) to the people around me. I took full advantage of this and played pranks on them over and over again. For example, I moved objects or made noises to get their attention, but since they couldn’t see me they would get a bit paranoid. lol It was a fun dream and reminds me of some of my early OBEs when I would be invisible and sneak about spying on different people.

In yet another dream I was at an amusement park (relaxation, enjoyment of life) but it was vast, spreading over acres and acres of land interconnected by vast highways (life direction) with multiple lanes all flowing in the same direction. I flew/drove swiftly on the highway along with so many other people that it more crowded than I would like. Everything was good until I got to a portion of the path where the people on the “ride” had to swim in the cold Pacific ocean (subconscious, emotion). I could see the seaweed (rely on intuition and instinct) as I got close to the water. I hesitated because I knew getting into the water would mean my phone (communication) would get wet and likely be unusable. I watched the person in front of me jump in clothes and all and was shocked that it was a part of the “ride”. When did the park turn into a water park? I said aloud, “I can’t go into the water like that. I won’t. It will ruin my new Iphone.” A man in the water turned back and looked at me and said, “No it won’t. You won’t be in the water long enough to break it and it will work when it dries out. Mine did.” I didn’t believe him and turned back. I was not going to risk it and didn’t want to get in the cold water anyway.

When I turned around so did some others and eventually I found myself at a standstill because there were so many people in the line (need patience). People were getting refunds and I saw their names appear on a screen as their cards were reimbursed. I was still third in line when the ticket agent said my husband’s name. I questioned him saying, “Did you just say _______?” He said, “Yeah. I have the check right here.” I looked and sure enough there was a check (feeling indebted to my husband) signed with my husband’s name.

Strange Message

I woke fairly early and lingered in bed a while falling in and out of the in-between. At one point I was awakened by a strange message and vision. I saw what looked like an oval plane of indeterminable material. It was moving as if alive across my visual field. With it I heard, “Kawanda Plate. 35 million parasitic Beings.” The strangeness of the message prompted me to get up and write it down. Then I could not go back to sleep.

There is a place called Kawanda in Uganda. I could not find anything about a “Plate” or 35 million parasites much less them being “Beings”. I suspect it is just some strange information I brought back with me from an astral world or other dimension. Who knows but it is odd.

 

 

Remember Me

 

Again I had another post partially written – twice – and it never felt right to post. It felt empty, pointless, directionless….just like me right now.

This morning I had several lucid dreams and attempted to shift OOB with no success. I suspect I was already OOB which is why the exits were unsuccessful.

Prior to this, I had awakened at around 7am and heard someone say to me, “You know you’ve been OOB?” I dismissed it as a dream conversation fragment, got up, took my wonderful antibiotic (have to take on empty stomach 30 minutes before a meal) and went back to sleep even though I had just intended to meditate.

Image result for image of citrine in shape of arrow head

OBEs/Lucid Travels

My travels took me to several places. The first was my grandparent’s living room where I was with my sister and BIL. I can’t recall why I was there but we were talking about building a chicken (cowardliness) coop that would be shared by us and the neighbors. I had memories that were not associated with this lifetime but with some other life or place. For example, my grandparent’s house was not located where it is in this life, but was in a subdivision. I believe what I was remembering were my astral memories, but I can’t be sure.

Then I shifted into a crystal shop. I was standing in front of a dark haired woman who I recalled was a friend. In fact, I again had memories not at all related to this lifetime. In front of me were laid out many various crystal fragments. I knew I was selecting one for a friend and picked up a large, arrowhead shaped piece of Citrine. The woman told me it was a good one and I kept it, intending to make a necklace with it. She asked me for advice. “Where should I move to?” I told her, “I think Montana.” She said, “Ah yes, I have been there. It is beautiful!” I said, “Yes, I use to live there, but…..I think it would not be ideal for your business. Perhaps Seattle would be better?” I then wandered over to a window and selected a black cord for the necklace I was making for my friend. I put the Citrine on it as I began to mull over memories of my friend.

My physical self heard sounds coming from my bedroom at this time. I knew they were sounds off and so ignored them but it brought me back to my sleeping body temporarily. I could feel my energy shift. It is like I settled down into my body but the two energies never completely merged. It was jumpy and sporadic but enough for me to register that I could go OOB. When I tried, though, the energy would not allow it and I must have drifted off again.

I soon found myself in my grandparent’s house again, this time in the kitchen. Standing in front of me was my friend. I could see him clear as day. He was telling me something rather random and smiling, very at ease. I stared at him for a bit, shocked that he was standing there right in front of me. I had in my hand the Citrine necklace I made for him. I handed it to him, telling him, “I made this for you. I remembered how much you liked it (Citrine).” I remember thinking that Citrine brought abundance and I wanted that for him. He was pleased and smiled as he took it from me.

I asked him some questions about his life – Was he still living where he was before? Was he happy? Was he still doing what he was when we last spoke? He answered, confirming most of what I already knew.

The more we talked the more lucid I became. My physical/human consciousness was questioning the reality. Why are we in my grandparent’s kitchen? Is this really my friend? No way, why would he be in my grandparent’s kitchen? This has to be a dream!

The last thing I remember was telling my friend, “I miss you.” I felt very down when I said it. I don’t remember his response now but he was understanding, happy-go-lucky, and reassuring.

Eventually my questions pulled me out of the scene and again I felt my physical body and my physical senses began to take over. It was odd but something I have experienced before. My senses shift from astral to physical but not all at once. For example, my hearing will be like someone turns on the volume and then it turns it down again suddenly and repetitively. The same thing goes for my vision – astral to physical (which is dark). The vibrations are the same, on again, off again. So odd!

I shifted yet again and found myself outside my mom’s house this time. I think I may have been a little kid because my vision was at a lower height than is my norm. I was talking to someone about a special school that only Kindergarten aged kids could go to. My middle son was mentioned and I remember hearing he couldn’t go but my youngest could. My vision was very clear at this time and my physical self recognized I was OOB. We were walking through thick, brown leaves. There were so many that as I walked they came to my knees (remember that I am child-sized though) and I could hear them crunching under foot. I saw ahead of me my mom’s yard and my vision stabilized. The blue sky seemed to be huge in comparison to myself. Recognizing my chance, I attempted to jump into the air and take flight. I did this just as a child said to me, “Come on!” As I lifted up it felt like an energy pulled me down and the message was, “No.”

I returned to my sleeping body and my senses adjusted as did my energy. It was quick this time and I opened my eyes.

As I laid there my first memory was of meeting my friend. It was so real and I wondered if he was just a dream construct or if he had actually been there. As if in answer, the lyrics of a song popped into my head – I will be with you again….I will be with you again.

I heard the above a couple of days ago while driving. I had been in a strange mood, zoned out and feeling odd. This has been normal for me lately, especially when I drive. I had changed the radio station and caught the end of the song. The music lulled me almost into a trance and I remember smiling and enjoying it. It felt like someone was giving me a hug and I got a bit Homesick as I recalled certain memories. That is when I heard, “I will be with you again.” It seemed like a message then, too.

For some reason when I heard the song this morning I thought it was from The Cure. Ha! Not sure why I thought that but it could be a message, too. Who knows. It also felt like not only was I being told, “I will be with you again” but that I was also saying this to someone. Like a simultaneous message exchange. I do believe there was an astral meeting and that my other Self has a full set of memories entirely separate from my physical life memories.

Other Dreams

I’ve had lots of dreams these last few days, and Kundalini, too.

In one dream I was heading home and had to make a sharp turn that immediately went uphill. It was my exit and came much quicker than I anticipated. When I took the turn I had to stop suddenly because there were three cars in a row that had run head-on into the curve. They were so mangled that all I could see were the taillights and bumpers. Their anxious drivers stood with a police officer (assistance) and I was told I could not pass. So I shifted the other direction but it was also barred, this time by water (emotion). I ended up taking the long way around to get to my destination.

The dream continued to my destination which was a “camp” (need to belong but independent also) of sorts for teachers. The camp looked like suburbia and when I checked-in I was told join the rest of the group. I was given a uniform and told that we would all eventually start to smell badly over time (issue needs to be addressed) because we were not allowed to bathe. Every day we would have P.T. and I recall being told where the nearby hospital (healing) was located in case we needed assistance in the evening when the camp was closed. Thing was, the hospital was also a camp and run by the very same people. I remember realizing the teachers were also doctors/nurses as was I.

Kundalini

Yesterday morning I had a nice Kundalini dream in which I was in a van with my husband. We were in the back and the van was driving itself. We were on the highway and, knowing we would be occupied for a while, I worried we would end up driving too far. I suggested we take the van to the lake and park but before I could go up front to take over driving the Kundalini raged and woke me up. I lingered in the bliss for some time after waking. It seems that now whenever my root activates all my upper chakras “sing” in the most wonderfully pleasant way. It is spectacular and I really, really hate that it always wakes me up! Grrrr!

I had actually asked for some kind of Kundalini experience that night before bed. There are two distinct types I experience now – the very sexual/bliss kind and the bliss/friendship/love/safety/Oneness kind. Both are wonderful in their own way and both teach me a great deal about myself and the world/this experience. “Bliss” is a part of both but there seems to be different types of bliss as well as various “new” feelings associated with the Kundalini. Since the human experience does not have words for these feelings I am always at a loss as to how to describe them.

Another Music Message

Yesterday morning, as I slowly woke from my dreams, a message came through very quietly. It repeated and grew louder and louder, eventually bringing forth a song as if to make sure I paid attention. The song was this one:

The part of the song that was repeating was, “Don’t you, forget about me.” The message that had been repeating and growing louder became obvious when the song was acknowledged. It was: Remember me.

A bit shocked and curious, I focused on the source of the message and felt a familiar energy, one I had not felt in a while. The more I focused the clearer the energy became and a visual formed in my mind.

My response was to enter into a conversation with this individual because I understood all at once the message and was tired of resisting.

It was a check-in. I knew the message “Remember me” was both a message to remember mySelf as well as a message to remember what had brought me to where I am now. To push away, ignore or deny all that made me who I am today was not helping me. I needed to remember it. All of it.

Of course I had to justify my reasons. It is painful, it makes living here on this planet that much more difficult, it triggers all kinds of beliefs/expectations/desires that I do not wish to reconcile for the enormity of their impact on me as a Human Being. It is easier to deny in myself all that relates to connection. To deny myself the positives in order to avoid the negatives makes complete sense.

But it was clear from my dream and all the dreams preceding it that the path of avoidance will get me nowhere. The path will be blocked and so will all of the others until I take the correct path.

The message was, “Remember it is my path, too. You cannot force from yourself that which is part of you. I will always be there. In your heart. In your mind. I am part of you as you are part of me.” I softened a great deal when I heard this. It was like all my walls came down all at once.

Still Recovering

Similarly, last night prior to bed I was asking all sorts of questions – “Why” this and “Why” that. My main thoughts centered on the experiences I’ve had – the Kundalini being number 1. Why did I make it so that I Remembered so much in this lifetime? What is the point of Remembering if I can’t do anything with it! How am I going to continue in this life now? With every single Kundalini experience I glimpse more of that which I Forgot. And with every regained memory of Self this human experience feels more and more alien to me.

Throughout I was receiving reminders of what I already Knew, things I Remembered on the path to where I am now. Things I have written in this blog…..like my Starseed origins, my connection to what appear to be E.T.’s, my memories of my purpose here, past life memories, heart connections/soul family, and the glimpses into my own and Earth’s future. I pushed all of it out of my mind, though, because it does me no good to believe such things. It only serves to make me feel that much more alone, that much more separate from everyone else.

It felt like I would be in this in-between/void forever when I “looked” into my own future. Time stretched out forever in front of me like a road never-ending. I saw my children mostly grown up. I saw myself old and gray. I couldn’t/can’t help but be impatient. I want to get to “the end” already. But mostly I just want something to look forward to. After experiencing what I have thus far to think of the rest of my life being like it was before – it’s unbearable. I have no way of consolidating the before and the after and that’s what I need to do or else risk major repercussions (mental break being one).

I was told, “Give yourself a chance to recover.” With that I was reminded of the end of 2016 and the intensity of the pain/hurt/despair among other things. Healing cannot be rushed. Considering how long I have already been recovering I asked in frustration, “How long is it going to take?” The answer I received was, “As long as it takes.” UGH!

Sync

As if to remind me that my path here is to serve others, specifically my children, I was drawn to my youngest son’s eyes. In the sunlight I noticed things I hadn’t noticed before. So I took some photos. Aren’t his eyes just gorgeous?

 

 

I also noticed he has inherited his father’s heterochromia. If you look at the first photo you can see that the color amber/brown surrounds the pupil but the rest of the eye is blue. This is true of central heterochromia – two different shades of color. His dad has partial heterochromia – one of his blue eyes has a big, brown spot that takes up about 1/4 of the iris color.

Interestingly, the same day I was fascinated with my son’s heterochromia, I was watching the show Limitless and there was mention of heterochromia! HA! Chance? I think not.

After my amazement wore off over the sync I just experienced, I realized again what I had recently been reminded of. There is purpose to my being here beyond what I am able to/allowed to see. Much of that purpose is related to the new generations. I have three very special children who will need my Knowing, my Remembering, to help them in life. It may not be apparent to me now but it will be, eventually. Even in writing this I am reminded of the Delores Cannon books.

Projection Repulsion

Note: This post starts out a bit on the negative side but I promise it gets lighter in the end.

It’s been an interesting last few days. I do not believe any of it is due to “cosmic forces”, “12-12 gateways”, astrological events or the such. Yet that is what I keep seeing on my FB, which btw I have been avoiding more and more for the lack of anything of substance. Fake news, conspiracy theories (to the extreme), and personal attacks/agendas on this topic/agency or that  (politics, net neutrality and anti-vaccination are big ones lately) – all of it gives me a sour taste in my mouth.

It seems like all people want to do is have an effect in any way they can. Humans are desperate and it is apparent all over the net. Every post screams, “Look at me! Look at me!”

In stark contrast here I am hiding and wanting the opposite. Don’t look at me. I’m ugly and feel uglier inside. I don’t want to hear what you have to say and I really don’t have anything to say to you.

That’s how I feel this morning anyway. Listening to people hurts right now. Please don’t whine to me about your problems, your upsets about the world, your sad family problems, your hurt, pain or whatever. Oh and I don’t care if you turn your back on me because I feel this way. I don’t need you or your sympathy, pity, or whatever anyway. Attached to it is this or that expectation and I prefer to have none of that. I scratch your back you scratch mine, right? I’ll scratch my own back, thank you.

Perhaps it is the holiday season but right now the projections coming from people are in stark contrast to the real person underneath, probably more now than ever. I can’t bear to hear the pleasantries, get another half-assed, pretend hug, or witness anymore pretense. I will literally throw up on the next person who tries to fake me out. And every adult does it….unless they are old/senile or considered mentally ill. Family isn’t so bad, thankfully. And children, they are golden. Thank God for my babies is all I can say right now.

I also woke up feeling absolutely and utterly alone. Again. The empty feeling was ten times as strong as it normally is. The people in my dreams all wanted something from me. There was no giving of love without expectation. They assumed so much automatically and it felt like a huge, invisible wall was between myself and everyone I met.

When I woke I was in grief and missing the feeling/experience/ISness of my true Divine nature – that feeling of love/friendship, of complete connection. Oh I never have the right words to describe it but there are those reading this who know what I am talking about. The total LACK of it in this world hit me like a ton of bricks and I could not bear to exist in this void any longer. It was completely clear to me why I feel so alone, so disconnected, so empty in  this life. It’s because I AM disconnected here.

I was/am at a loss and it doesn’t help that I am acutely aware of what I mentioned earlier in this post. Right now most everyone and everything reminds me of what I am NOT.

Similarly, my physical issues continue to plague. My body is on strike I think. The antibiotics I’ve been on stopped working or something and now I am on a different regimen because my skin is not healing as it should. Everything starts to seem to improve only to regress back to no progress. I’ve had scabs in some places for over three weeks! WTF!?

The BC seems to be backfiring, too. I am hungry all.the.time, have gained weight and have painful breasts. I am tired, too, tired like I was when I was pregnant. I get so hungry sometimes that I feel sick to my stomach and certain foods do not agree with me. For example, carbonated anything will make me get icky stomach and I suddenly cannot stomach whey protein which I have been taking for years now without issue! So far the BC does not seem to have any affect on my skin which is the whole point of taking it.

It’s not worth it. All of this mess so that my face is clear and then no one really “sees” me anyway! How lame. Looks like my own projections are biting me in the ass right now. Ha! Yeah the jokes on me as usual.

Dreams and Kundalini

Oh and then there are the dreams…..geez where do I start? The most memorable was a Kundalini dream a few days ago. Wow, it was a doozy. Not that the Kundalini was raging like it has. No, it was very subtle compared to other K-risings I’ve had. However, this one made a very obvious point I could not ignore. In the dream I was in a classroom and my teacher/lover/friend was with me. The whole dream consisted of my “other half” trying to persuade me to be with him and me being wholly and completely repulsed by him. I was adamantly against him to the point of nastiness. However, at the exact same time I was extremely attracted to him in a very powerful way and I acknowledged it. The main feeling throughout the dream and upon waking was the simultaneous powerful attraction and repulsion. It was fascinating to me that I could feel both things at the same time! The message I brought back with me was that I had grown so use to rejecting life that I had gotten to the point of rejecting everything and everyone which in turn left me with little to no enjoyment/happiness. It was quite an eye-opener.

Then there was the dream of sweeping a floor covered in cockroach (undesired aspects of Self/life) body pieces. Ick! Afterward I scrubbed the floor with a white cleanser that left a residue that repelled cockroaches. Weird.

And this morning in a dream I visited my partner’s apartment (emotional state) only to find that he was gone and likely not coming back anytime soon (abandoning emotion). The fridge (emotionally cold) had been left open and unplugged and there were other clues that he had gone away for a long while. Thing is, he left his cat (sexuality, femininity) with no one to look after it and it was emaciated and near death. I remember saying he likely went to South America (trying to conquer life’s obstacles) and fully intended to wait for him to return. While I waited the entire apartment complex came to keep me company and I was surrounded by strangers the rest of the dream, all of them working to help me settling in and become a part of their little community. I remember seeing faces that reminded me of the cast of “Friends”.

Conclusion

I’m sorry if the first half of this post rubbed you the wrong way. If you got this far, kudos to you. It is obvious to me now that I have made it this far in this post that I am doing some major inner work which is manifesting in both physical and emotional ways. If you were to be physically present with me you would find my Sagittarius bluntness rampant and maybe a bit refreshing. Or you may want to run the other way. In all honesty I would think you a coward if you ran away but would not hold it against you. If you fought back, though, and gave me a piece of your mind, I would totally respect you and we would likely end up laughing over egg nog spiked with rum. 😉

Sometimes a good fight is all a person needs. lol I need some boxing gloves right now I think.

I feel ten times lighter, though, and my thoughts are tending toward the silly at the moment. For example (for a laugh), the new antibiotics I am on – ampicillin – have a very odd possible side-effect I want to share. Apparently you should call your doctor if you get a “black, hairy tongue.” LOL OMG it still makes me laugh and I thought it so funny when I initially read it that I called my husband and interrupted him at work just to tell him. HA! So far, no hair on my tongue but I will keep you posted.

Finally, through all the up’s and down’s of the last five days or so, I have taken time to appreciate the finer things in life (like funny side-effects). Here is a picture of the sunrise the other morning. May it bring you joy like it did me.

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Revelations and Updates

Some messages I have received recently:

From Call the Midwife season 5 episode 7:

Prayers aren’t always answered the way one would hope but they are generally answered. And the answer He gave me was this: When things change we have to find a different way. Now whenever I do up a button or a shoelace I’m reminded of the need to keep learning.

A reminder we all need from time to time.

Nothing stays the same. We don’t stay the same ourselves. And all the time the world keeps spinning faster.

Another quote that caught my attention:

But my first child and my second child both died. One in my belly and one in my arms.

I’m sorry.

Why are you sorry?

It’s just something we say in England, when someone says something bad happened.

It is in the past now. This baby’s in the future, which is why you should never be sorry, just be glad.

And still another:

Sometimes there is no map for the road we find ourselves upon. It lies ahead, uncharted, unfurling into the mist. We are all travelling through one another’s countries. But it is no matter if we meet as strangers, for we can join forces and learn to love. And where there is friendship and affection there is the place we can all call home.

These quotes/scenes and more have been inciting tears. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders; like torrents of flood waters pouring through my very Being and I can’t breathe for the ceaselessness of them. Last night I was overcome by the emotion yet again and rather than question it or judge myself for the feelings I was feeling, I just allowed them to flow because I knew it would not last long. A silent and reassuring voice from within said, “It will pass.” It always does and part of me saw the emotion and the experience of the moment as a Divine blessing. I understood that my human body and mind is not capable of holding onto it all. So, I need to give it up, to give it back to where it came from…..wherever that might be. In giving it up I am cleansed and one step closer to fully embracing the sanctity of this existence.

Amidst the emotional purging there has been clarity on so many things. Lessons are becoming obvious, gifts received finally opened. The exhaustion and apathy I’ve been feeling transforming into surrender, slowly but surely.

After several days of reflection, a thought continues to resurface: “If I had to do it over again, I would not do it again.” When asked why I would not do it again, I replied, “It destroyed me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel empty.” I heard in reply, “Now you can be filled.”

“It” here refers to what occurred in December, 2015, almost two years ago now. Basically, if I could turn back time I would turn the other way, listening to my inner silence rather than giving in to my human urgency to be loved. The connection that I felt was misunderstood and blown way out of proportion by my human self. I have concluded now that the “connection” was merely the result of a newly opened heart which revealed to me a glimpse of my True self. My human side attributed the very “new” feelings to all the wrong things and had not the experience nor knowledge with which to cope appropriately. I continue to feel ill prepared but recognize that my body/mind/spirit has to be re-taught how to handle that which is my natural state. It is very obvious that my natural state is beyond beautiful, beyond powerful, so much so that my human self struggles immensely because she is buried under layers of illusion and belief.

Another revelation….. I saw myself as the character I play in this life. She seems so boring, so nondescript, so lonely and forlorn. It occurred to me that I should step out of that Beingness and look at myself from outside myself, like I am watching a television show of my life. When I did there was just love for the experience and recognition that I chose it because I saw it as beautiful. Every “bad” feeling, low mood, negative reaction just as wonderful as every moment of laughter, excitement, love, and friendship. All moments “will pass”, it is only the clinging to one over the other that makes once experience seem fleeting while another seems to last forever.

Somehow I have to learn to reject nothing and embrace all and do so without judgment.

Spiritual Considerations

I continue to feel repelled by the online spiritual community, channeled messages and energy forecasts I use to follow prior to July this year. The repetitiveness of the messages is really bothering me. It occurred to me that nothing in the messages has really changed over the last few years. They still say the next big wave is upon us, the incoming energy will bring about transformations and huge changes, etc, etc. Then there is the abundance of people jumping on the ever-growing spiritual bandwagon. It all just bothers the hell out of me. Something is very wrong with it. Every day I stop following another person on WP. Every day I stop following another person on FB. Soon there won’t be anything left to read.

I have always been one to listen to my own self/heart first, so none of the above is really out of the ordinary for me. However, the feeling I get from most if not all of what I am reading is nearing repulsion now. I go back day after day to blogs I use to frequent and try again to read their posts but am turned off within a sentence of two. It just doesn’t flow with me anymore.

The only answer I have to the above is that I am focusing on what really matters: love, family, life. The spiritual is part of all of it. There is no need to follow some channel or some energy forecast. No need to validate my journey from without. All of it is right.here.inside.me. Some people still need to look outside themselves, some are still growing, building their foundations. So they can read or follow the blogs, channels, forecasts. There is nothing wrong with it and eventually they will come full circle, too. We all will.

Interesting little tidbit I want to add now. As if to remind me of my own need for validation there was a time last week when wherever I went I kept getting messages from the environment that said, “Walk-in”. It was ridiculous how frequent it was! I actually had a post on it and then opted to not finish it. That very day I saw this on my way to pick up my family photos:

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I actually laughed out loud when I saw it, thus I had to take a picture to document it.

Then, yesterday I think it was, someone commented on my other blog, the one about walk-ins. I didn’t know how to respond. How do I feel about the subject now? I didn’t know. Ultimately, I still don’t know what to say about it. Part of me is not even sure such a thing really exists. Something obviously happened, is happening to me, but really it seems more like a mental illness – a personality break of sorts – than a spiritual phenomena. At this time the best I can come up with is that I am in a transition period and at some point in the future it will all be crystal clear. All I can say for sure right now is that I have changed, am changed and will continue to change. Change is the only constant.

Kundalini

Last night the Kundalini visited more than once. Consciously I accepted it and even upon waking it swirled and raged, especially around my root and crown. At one point, when the energy was feeling quite strange and almost unsettling I heard, “Stay calm.” At that moment I became more alert to the energy in my crown area. Prior to that, I had received a long, rope-like object composed of tiny threads weaving in and out in spiral fashion. I was to attach one end to my crown and the other to my root. The Kundalini was everywhere but the feeling was unlike anything I have felt before. It was almost as if the space between my root and crown was a vast void with no beginning and no end.

I could not return to the in-between and began to think of all the things I needed to do, specifically that I need to get a run in today. I heard my guidance say, “You need to rest.” It occurred to me then that my recent lack of motivation and desire to “do nothing” in terms of exercise and running was likely more than just my being “lazy”.

Updates on Physical Issues

This morning I have a headache but nothing major. My acne ailment is almost completely healed. In fact, my complexion is glowing and radiant. I will be tapering off of my antibiotics slowly over the next couple of weeks.

My body seems to be adjusting to the birth control. I don’t know if the emotion I am having is related or not. Could be, I guess. The pain in my ankles is gone but I did burst a vein on my right ankle. It is likely it was caused by the BC because higher hormones do effect vein elasticity. It could mean more vein issues in the future.

I am still having panic/anxiety but mostly when I am running. I only ran once this week because the weather has been crazy here in Texas. One day it was near 80 degrees and the next it was snowing (yeah). On that one run I almost ended up in a full-on panic attack out of the blue. These moments of panic come from feeling like I am not in my body when I run. My legs contact solid ground but instead of feeling grounded I feel the opposite, as if I will leave my body via my crown at any moment. The panic comes from my human mind immediately worrying that I will not be in control of this body. Scenarios of passing out on the sidewalk or running into traffic shift me into panic mode. I have to tell myself, “I’m okay. Everything’s fine”. But on this particular day a part of me embraced leaving my body and had no concern or worry of what might happen if I did. Once I ignored the panicking side and listened to the other my anxiety lessened and then dissipated. After that I still opted to take a route away from busy roads just in case. lol

Family

I’ve been having disconcerting dreams about my sister lately. Her birthday is today but I am unable to communicate with her or send her a gift or card because she and her husband have purposefully withheld their address from family. The feeling is that either she is currently struggling or that more severe struggles await her and her husband. It saddens me, especially since she is mostly hurting herself by disconnecting like she is.

My family recently had family photos taken. Here are a couple of them:

Since these photos were taken I have been ever so grateful for my many blessings. At times I am overflowing with gratitude. The smallest of moments make me smile. For example, I have been reading to my youngest in the evenings. He has been requesting that I read to him nightly and brings book after book to me. Every time I read to him he snuggles up close and always either holds or strokes my arm or hand. It is the sweetest thing. I don’t think either of my other two children ever did that.

 

A Warm Heart(h)

Life continues to be busy. It leaves me with little time to myself these days which means little time for spiritual considerations other than dreamtime. I haven’t meditated in a very long while, unless you count the moments prior to sleep when I check-in with my guidance and/or say a small prayer.

I want quickly update you all on the physical crap I have been experiencing.

My skin is finally clearing up, though slowly. I can look in the mirror without cringing now at least. I started using a seaweed treatment a couple of days ago that I believe is helping heal and calm my skin. It’s called Aalgo and I bought it a while ago for some mild eczema I had. It is known to help with all kinds of skin ailments including acne. I took a long, hot bath with it and also applied in in paste form to my face as a mask.

I’ve been on birth control for four days but already forgot to take a pill. lol No migraines from it but I have had a headache for three days on and off but I attribute it to the cold I’ve had that is finally letting up.

I got my crown repaired but it is a temporary crown meaning I have to return and go through it all over again in 2 weeks. My dentist ordered the new crown in some kind of high-tech polymer that is harder than the porcelain of my old one. The good news is I gave in and took the Nitrous Oxide and it really, really helped. I should have been taking that stuff all along. It was like being buzzed drunk and high at the same time. hehe I did have a moment of nearly passing out but I reacted to it like it was no big deal. I actually asked to stay longer because I was more relaxed than I have been in a very long time. In fact, the effects of it seemed to stay with me for over an hour after the procedure – a kind of happy, dreamy feeling. So I am looking forward to my next dose in 2 weeks and not worried if I have more dental work to be done in the future. At $22 a pop it is well worth it.

Yesterday was spent holiday shopping which, despite having my youngest with me, was a pretty enjoyable experience. I have decided to do the 12 days of Christmas theme with my kids this year meaning they will get to open one present a day for 12 days. The first will be the smallest and they will get increasingly bigger the closer to Christmas day we get. Believe it or not it will save us money. My daughter has mixed feelings about it. She wants to have 12 days of Christmas and then heaps of presents on Christmas day, too. Always wanting more….sigh.

My financial worries are lessening. I lost motivation to look for work and have not heard on the one job I applied for. I don’t much care because I am certain my mental/spiritual state is not ideal for working right now. Thankfully, my husband reported to me yesterday that he got a substantial raise for his excellent performance. It was a relief to hear. I really prefer to not work because with all I have to do as a mom it would just deplete me like it did before. I can’t handle that right now.

High emotion continues to plague me. I will get teary-eyed and sad out of the blue. It reminds me of when I was pregnant. It could be a hormonal issue or just part of the healing work I’ve been doing.

Panic has been low. I did have one moment the other day. It was an odd experience. I was out to eat with my youngest when I suddenly seemed to come into awareness of my life, like waking from a dream. The sudden acuity was overwhelming. I could hear every noise, feel every breath in and out, every heart beat, smell every smell. And it was all so new to me, like I had never been in a physical body before. As it began to freak me out and the panic rose from within I heard a quiet voice say, “It’s okay.” Immediately I relaxed and the experience stopped as suddenly as it began.

Dream: A Warm Heart(h)

My sleep continues to be deep but now the dreams are more lucid and memorable. It is like the heaviness of sleep is slowly being peeled away the closer to the full moon we get. I had two very memorable dreams last night, this one was quite thought provoking.

I was preparing for my wedding (union of masculine and feminine). The groom was very well-off financially and the preparations were underway for a very posh wedding. No expense was to be spared. My dress was of the highest quality – silky white, smooth and flowing.

As we were rehearsing I grew more and more nervous. The main memory I have is that I wanted everything perfect and was worried something would ruin my big moment. I don’t remember my husband-to-be much except for a vague image of a Ken Doll-like man wearing a gray tuxedo. My maid of honor was rushing about doting on me the whole time and in charge of the ceremonial arrangements. I remember her being with me most of the dream.

On the big day while we were lining up to walk out for the ceremony, I suddenly needed to use the restroom (purification). I wandered into a bathroom and somehow ended up standing barefoot on the banks of a huge, swollen, muddy river (turbulent, cloudy emotion). I had to go across to get to my wedding and knew it would ruin my dress (expectation). Despite this I waded across the river and was met on the other side by a Hindi woman who would not help me but kept warning me of the deep water (emotional overwhelm) in front of me. I had to crawl up the muddy banks on my own and my dress was destroyed.

When I returned my maid of honor helped me picked another dress. I opted for a dated, lacy dress that did not match my modern wedding theme. It had a heavy veil (not wanting to see something) and wrap. I knew it was sub par but I had to wear something appropriate. When wearing it I felt to be wrapped up tightly in a blanket and could barely see through the thick, lace veil.

Because of the change in my dress we lost many guests and I knew they were never our friends anyway. I recall sitting with my husband with a group of people as the gifts were passed out. Instead of gifts, though, my husband passed to me wads of $100 and $50 bills (abundance). There was so much that it heaped up in a huge pile and he kept asking me to take a wad for myself. I didn’t know which to choose – the $50 or $100 wad of money.

As the wedding approached I became ever more nervous. The location of the wedding appeared to be in a large, open space like a concert hall (knowledge/wisdom). There were so many people in attendance – maybe a thousand or more.

When I was preparing to step out the ground I was on turned and became unstable. I stumbled off the turntable I was on and lost my veil. I quickly put it back on but as I did my entire gown fell off to the ground. I stood there stunned wearing only my slip and underwear (exposed/vulnerable). I froze thinking my worse fears had come to pass while at the same time how hilariously funny I must appear standing there near naked. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry but I felt utterly alone and exposed. I couldn’t move and stayed hidden there not daring to walk out into the open and stand on the white platform where I was to meet my groom and exchange vows.

Then my husband-to-be walked around the corner to the spot where I was hiding. He was wearing normal clothing and looked nothing like the Ken Doll man I had seen earlier. In fact he was fat and old and not at all someone I would be attracted to or want to marry. He was smiling and his smile calmed me substantially, making me want to giggle with relief.

He gently pulled aside the heavy, lace veil so I could see him clearly. Something about seeing him made me feel shy and awkward. Then he offered me his hand and introduced himself. There was a feeling from him of, “Let’s do this properly.” I shook his hand and introduced myself in return. I can’t recall either of our names now, not even my own.

He said, “Now, don’t you feel better?” He opened his arms inviting me to hug him. The feeling he sent me was that all would be okay and I was not alone. It washed over me like a blanket and I felt secure and safe. My heart warmed and began to buzz with love and friendship, spreading across my chest pleasantly. I replied to him, “Yes,” and hugged him tightly.

I remember thinking the man unattractive and knowing the old me would reject him. But the me in that moment didn’t care. He could have been the ugliest man in the world, old as dirt and fat as hell and I wouldn’t have cared. With him I could be fully myself. I could cry, be stupid, funny, bitchy, ugly, fat, clumsy, imperfect….and he would accept and love me. None of the rest of my considerations about life mattered anymore. With him I could move mountains.

Afterward

I woke up feeling warmth in my heart chakra and a bliss-type sensation I have not felt in a long time. There was an obvious lesson/message from the dream and I knew it all at once, like I had spent the entire dream in a conversation. The man from the dream was there still, a guide I suppose or maybe someone else, I’m not sure. He continued to talk with me, reassuring me and helping me understand what I had just occurred.

One message was that no plan of mine will turn out quite like I want. I can’t control everything. There will always be twists and turns, unexpected outcomes and challenges.

The dream also showed me how much I put on a show for others, putting all my energy into making others like/accept me, trying to fit in, trying to look good and acquire lots of things. In the end none of it matters, though and all of it, every single falsity will break down and crumble away. In the end I will be left with nothing, completely exposed. When this happens the only thing left is love. The message was that this love is always there, always with me and I am never alone. I felt it, too, in the moment when I hugged the man. I would have given everything in my life for the feeling, to be there with him. In that moment it was enough and nothing else mattered.

When I woke he told me, “You will always have enough.” I saw the path that is my life, the lesson I am learning and I understood. It is hard to put into words now but the feeling and understanding remains. The dream is wholly symbolic of the breaking down of the Ego, the shattering of false self and letting go of things that really do not matter.

The reason I named the dream A Warm Heart(h) rather than “heart” is because when I was typing it “hearth” was what I typed. I recognized the symbolism/message. Home…..Heart…..Hearth….they are all the same thing, bundled up together, warm and cozy and full of love.

Another message I received was that I would achieve the feeling and connection from my dream in this life. It is all I aspire to now anyway. The experience of coming face-to-face with love and friendship such as that has changed me. I can no longer accept anything less and now I struggle to find my way because of the feeling of it being entirely lacking in my life. It was obvious to me that the path ahead will be similar to the dream. I do not look forward to wading across that muddy river but the laughing bubbling up in the dream in response to my utter failure at holding my life together is memorable. I have never wanted to laugh so hard and I am certain had I given into it I would have felt immeasurable relief.