Repetitive Dream Themes, Heavy Energy, and Anxiety

How have you all been feeling these last few days? It’s been intense, that’s for sure! It seems the healing goes deep and wide, pushing the subconscious limits as well as the physical ones. Below are my observations and experiences.

Dream Theme: Serenaded

Two nights this week I had dreams where I was being serenaded. In the first, I was in an airport going through customs when the lights dimmed and my attention was pulled toward a man in a spotlight singing on a “stage”. He was singing to me about his love and devotion for me. I began to sing along with him and this woke me up. I don’t know who he was but the message was clear. He loved me and would wait for me.

The other dream was a night later. I saw an elderly couple sitting in a loveseat. The woman started singing and the man sang along, harmonizing with her. Her voice was broken but still beautiful. When the man sang it was deep and pure. He had a wonderful voice! When they sang, their message was of waiting for their love and at times it was obvious they meant for me to hear their song. I remember they sang to me, “I will wait for you.” 

Interestingly, I decided to watch What Dreams May Come again. I’ve watched it more times than I can count yet couldn’t remember some of it. The message of the movie was similar to those dreams. That we are loved and those on the Other Side are but a blink away, always there, always waiting. 

Dream Theme: ReUnion

Lately, I’ve had several dreams with a certain person I know from online. He makes an appearance is all, but I recognize him and it is clear in my dreams that I see his face, or his likeness at least. I am also very acutely aware of his energy prior to falling asleep. It feels like he is watching me from a distance. Waiting.

Two nights ago he appeared in a theater with me, sitting in the front row one seat directly in front of me. It was an isle seat and I accidentally touched him on the head. He turned around and said something to me and I saw him clearly, though his face was not in focus. I noticed his nose mostly and paused for a moment in the dream before moving on. 

Then last night we were in the dream together for quite a while, interacting. I remember I told someone, “I want to be with him.” I pointed him out and looked at him from a short distance. He was golden in color and shifty, like I was seeing his energy body. I found him attractive, though it was his energy more than his physical appearance. 

He was in a house with me and others. I think I saw my “twin” there as well, sitting near a wall, observing. The house resembled my childhood home. We were preparing for school. I was putting on clothing and doing my makeup. The energy was anticipatory. A classmate/friend approached me wearing my chosen outfit. It was black and white with a tank top, plunging neckline and flowing skirt. She was dark haired and voluptuous. The outfit showed her cleavage and fit her differently than it did me. I let her wear it and complimented her, choosing instead a white jumper. As the time came for us to depart, I went to the bathroom to freshen up. I looked in the mirror at my face and put on some extra powder around my eyes and smoothed my hair. The vision of myself was fresh and attractive, my eyes glowed. I saw a clock momentarily. It was 9:48 and I knew we had to be there by 10.

The dream goes hazy and then I remember hearing, “We are all in this together.” I woke momentarily but settled back to sleep, entering the in-between where I found myself standing in the middle of what appeared to be a massive library. I was holding a large book. It was tucked under my left arm and so big I could feel it pressing up into my armpit. There were two bookshelves on either side of me that were so tall they disappeared into the sky. Rows up rows of books lined each shelf. Suddenly, all the books exploded, bursting apart at their bindings, becoming dust. 

The exploding books startled me and I woke up. This time I was thinking of what I heard, “We’re all in this together.” It felt like the message and the vision coincided but I couldn’t remember.

Still tired, I dipped back into the in-between momentarily where a blue book opened up in front of me. In a flash I both saw and heard the word, “Kronos.” 

This was the final straw. I couldn’t return to sleep, the messages repeating in my mind along with images from dreamtime. 

We’re all in this together.

Kronos.

Heavy Energy and Anxiety 

Since the end of last week the energy has been heavier. I’m noticing the people around me are affected in different ways. My sister, for example, suddenly wants to talk more, to try and resolve past differences. Specifically, she wants me to help her do this with our mother. She mentioned she is crying more – emotional. My mom has also been more emotional. She was crying on the phone while talking with me, which is unusual for her. Finally, a friend of mine has been reaching out, worried about the future and having upsetting dreams and another online friend has been highly disillusioned. So it is clear the energy is hitting everyone differently, depending on what they need to work on and clear.

For me, personally, I have felt more anxious. I’m not really surprised about it because prior to the energy shift I had a dream when I was selecting sweaters from a dresser as I prepared to go on a trip to Montana. The sweaters were all crop tops and when I put one on I saw myself clearly, my stomach exposed right where the 2nd and 3rd chakras are. When I woke I knew the significance. Sweaters are protection. So while the rest of me is protected, my 2nd and 3rd chakras would be exposed. My understanding of this is that the energy would be specifically focusing on those chakras and to expect the emotions associated with them to be more acute. Thus, anxiety mixed with many other emotions, has been prominent.

After the above dream warning I started to meditate mid-day, around 2pm, for 30 minutes. I’ve experimented with various types of meditations – guided, singing bowls, binaural beats. This decision came with a Knowing that I need to calm my thoughts and sure enough my mind has been in overdrive and difficult to quiet. 

Yesterday was almost toxic energy-wise. I woke up with this near compulsion to make some hasty – rash even – decisions about my life. I felt like taking a school counseling job, quitting my current job, moving house, filing for divorce, and relinquishing my share of the family business. It was a feeling of just “letting it all go” and starting over. It didn’t freak me out. I even considered acting on it, but all this was interrupted and put on hold by a message from my sister.

So, I ended up having a three-way FB conversation with my mom and sister. My sister was freaking out over Covid, vaccination mandates, etc, and wanted to meet up to discuss an emergency plan for when all our rights are taken away. She is acting like the end of the world is near. I felt a pang of anxiety hit me so this exchange seemed to validate what I was feeling and eventually feed it. The exchange ended with me trying to refocus her on her own, on-going emergency. I told her I was not interested in talking about Covid as it could only lead to negative, fear-mongering energy and I wanted no part in it. I ended up triggering her and eventually my mom left the conversation altogether. I think she was getting triggered by my sister. I wasn’t really triggered at all. In fact, I felt good about staying calm despite the huge pit of anxiety in my stomach. 

Most of the morning this anxiety swirled in my lower stomach area, occasionally going to my chest and into my throat. I went on a morning run to get some space and it seemed to help. Later, though, I had to take a walk because just standing at my computer doing work was unbearable. Going outside always helps stave off a full-blown panic attack and I was really, really close to that. OMG I hate the feeling!

The meditation I did later that afternoon was emotional despite only being 10 minutes long. It helped to release the anxiety I had been feeling and I felt much calmer afterward.

Just as I was typing the above I recalled a dream in which I was being given medicine for IBS. The specific symptom mentioned was a shooting pain. The “doctor” told me that my IBS was the direct result of anxiety. He specifically pointed out how I am more anxious than I realize, holding onto high amounts of anxiety to the point that it has become my norm. The next morning I looked up the symptoms and causes of IBS because I had been having some mild recurrent symptoms. Bingo. And again – the second and third chakras come up because these are the chakras connected to IBS.

Add in to all the above the 20th anniversary of 9/11….and I just want to sigh really loudly, breathe and send love out to the world.

So, if you are feeling a lot like this now, take it easy on yourself. Take lots of breaks. Practice deep breathing. Meditate. Feel the weight of your body against the ground/bed/chair and focus on how supported it is – you are. 

Like my guidance said: We are all in this together. The entire world needs to take a deep breath, let out the pent up emotion and release the fear.

Interesting Development

As if yesterday weren’t weird enough (and to end off on this topic of anxiety/fear), my husband and I talked a bit about Covid and the anti versus pro vaxers. He mentioned how a particular coworker’s wife is pressing him to quit because my husband – his boss – is not vaccinated. She is really terrified and putting it on her husband daily. My husband asked me why I chose to get vaccinated. Ultimately, I told him that I felt that even though the vaccine would make no difference to me, it made a huge difference to those around me who truly believed the vaccine would keep them safe. So, ultimately I did it to help lessen their fear, not my own. In the end, it also helps me because I can sense/feel their fear and if I can diminish that fear, then it lessens its impact on me. So win-win. My husband smiled, nodded his head and said, “I think I’m going to get the vaccine.” I asked, “Why?” He said, “So I can make his wife feel better which will make him feel better which will make me feel better.” 

We both agree, anything that will lessen the fear of the world is good because fear is the real virus. 

The World is Our Backyard

Yesterday I had an unexpected reaction to a video I was watching about the Ganges River in India. The video was about how a man quit his job to start an incense making business using flower waste from temples. 16% of the pollution in the Ganges comes from this flower waste. As the video came to an end, they showed an image of the river and gave stats on the progress of cleaning it up. 

I don’t remember my exact thought but it was something along the lines of: “Their backyard is my backyard. Our backyard is the world.” With this, I saw in my mind an image of the Ganges free of pollution, without cities crowding it’s banks, respected, honored and tended to by humans. I knew this was the future, though one beyond my lifetime, and I began to cry. I sobbed actually. It was a mixture of sadness and relief. Sadness at humanity’s indifference towards nature and relief that there is hope, that humans can and are changing, albeit slowly. 

I knew that the clean water and air of the future cannot be known to us in the present. We have grown so use to polluted that we would be shocked to smell truly clean, fresh air and clean water. We think we know, but we do not. Thankfully, my grandchildren will know. 

There was a guide close and I could hear her reaching out to me to calm me down and reassure me that all would be okay. I had a thought then about how in all this darkness, if we just keep in our minds a vision of what could be, we can and will create it. To be distracted by the present, by the darkness looming all around, is easy. It is harder to focus on what we want to create in the future and even harder to have faith in the potential of the human race for positive change. 

One of the hardest things for me to accept about this world is how humans treat it. Though I can easily pretend I don’t feel the grief at what I am witnessing and, sadly, am a part of, there are moments such as these where I become very aware of just how deeply I feel for this planet and its inhabitants. My heart aches but at the same time it rejoices. There are so, so many emotions swirling inside me that I struggle to not be overwhelmed, and oftentimes cannot help but be overtaken. I feel so small and insignificant in these moments, unable to exact the enormous change that is needed. I would, if I could, snap my fingers and wipe away all the damage that’s been done to this planet. To stand on the banks of that river and see it pure and magnificent again would bring me such joy, even though, for so long, I thought of places like India as “not my problem”. I see myself and humanity shifting slowly towards embracing every part o the planet as our “backyard”, accepting responsibility for all the neglect and abuse, and stepping up to create a better world.

It is clear to me that this moment in Earth’s history is monumental. It isn’t obvious just yet, but what humanity is going through and doing now is what will lead to a great healing and restoration of this planet and all its inhabitants. The hope and relief I felt at Knowing all is not lost was just what I needed. We are the change we need and we will succeed. 

Birthday “Present”

My birthday was so-so. It was just another day, really, which is normal for me. I am 45 and feel 65. I see this place as a giant theatrical production and I seem to be the only one that can see behind the masks everyone is wearing. I remember too much and because of that I feel isolated. The other actors urge me to play my part and I think, “What’s the point?” I play my part, though, because it is all I know, but I long for my true self. I want to be free.

On my birthday I suddenly decided I would get the vaccine. My daughter wanted to get hers and so, in support of her, I got mine, too. Her main reason is she wants to “fit in”, typical of her age group. All her friends are getting it. My reasoning is that I’ve had ample warning of this event from the start of my awakening to the present, and it is up to me to decide what I am going to do with that knowledge. It occurred to me quite succinctly that the only control I have of the future is in my own actions.  With all the info over the years, all the “warnings” from my guidance of what was to come, perhaps it would be wise to at least take the proper precautions? 

After feeling through the idea for a while, I realized it would make no difference. The feeling I received back was completely neutral. So why did I follow through with it? In the end, it just felt right. 

In the November 2019, my daughter and I suffered through the worst “flu” we’d ever had. It was so bad that at the beginning of it I was worried and requested assistance from my guides. I had a really high fever and Ibuprofen and Tylenol did nothing to control it. The only way to describe how I felt was – “like death”. My body didn’t ache, really. I did have a headache but I don’t recall it being why I felt bad. It was a feeling I’d not ever felt, not even in my previous sickest moments of life, not even when in the hospital after a C-section, not even when I had pre-eclampsia. I would get these intense, all-over body chills and my whole body would shake. I was so cold and couldn’t get warm and then it would pass and I would be sweating profusely. Sounds just like a fever, right? And I did have one. I don’t remember the numbers but I do know no amount of medication could completely rid me of it. In my desperation, I asked my guidance for help and they gave it. Out of the blue I received an all-over body energy hug and with it came immediate relief. This would last long enough so that I could sleep. Unfortunately, I would wake with the same symptoms all over again and have to ask for more, and would receive immediate relief again. Had it not been for the repetitive healing relief by my guidance, I may have resorted to a trip to the hospital that night!

The following days I had no fever but continued to experience chills and hot flashes. With it came  seemingly never-ending, dry heaving coughing fits. Eventually my entire abdominal area was sore and I had to hold myself with my arms to relieve the discomfort. For me, the coughing was only relieved by purposefully relaxing as it seemed the more I resisted the coughing, the more I would cough. Thankfully, the chills and hot flashes only lasted a few days and the coughing lasted a little over a week. 

My daughter didn’t fare as well. Her coughing fits lasted much longer and she stayed in bed most of the day while I continued to work. She also had the chills and hot flashes and splitting headache along with fatigue and body aches. She told me several times, “I would rather be dead than go through this.” 

Anyway, part of my reason for getting the vaccine is that if this virus is worse than what I had in November 2019, I sure the hell don’t want to get it. I have had the flu before, but never, NEVER, like that! I do not want to have whatever I had ever again if I can help it. My daughter agrees. She and I were the only ones in our family to get that “flu” so badly and the memory of it is still vivid. It was really, really bad and that is an understatement. That my guidance had to step in to help is evidence of how sick I was. In my entire life I’ve never received healing like that. It seemed miraculous to me.

The day before my birthday, as I was skimming through news articles for my area, I noticed all the news on the migrant issues at the border. The articles have been common place, so this was not the first time I paused, but for some reason this time I got a kind of “OMG” moment because I remembered my guidance warning me of a “massive migration north” due to climate change. The words, “The time is Now” came to mind and I got a sinking feeing in my stomach. 

I felt drawn to read through my old, typed out journals from 2003-2006. I’ve been through them before and written about this journal several times in this blog. There are two, completely full, three-inch binders and the pages are single spaced. That’s a lot of info to sift through! I haven’t read every single page, of course, but it seems every time I go back through it, I find exactly what I am meant to.

In 2003 I write out a list of things to expect in the next 50 years. Among them is climate change and mention of the massive migration north along with major changes to the U.S. political system around the “middle of the 50yr period” (around 2026).

In 2005 I talk about one of my first visions which also mentioned climate change, a mass migration and a “flu-like” virus that wipes out a large portion of the world population. Here is what I wrote in December 2005:

I was driving home from my BF’s house. It was around 4am. Because I was unable to sleep, I had quietly left his bedroom, whispering something to him about me needing to get home. I rushed out of the house in a hurry, eyes blurry, and still wearing my nightclothes.

The roads were empty and I struggled to focus on the road because I was extremely tired. Once I got the the main road, however, I do not remember driving on the road nor do I remember seeing the familiar landmarks on the way home.

What I do remember is still hard for me to handle. I had just begun communicating with Spirit and my spiritual guide was one among the many voices I heard in my head at the time. I no longer considered myself crazy or insane by this time. I had already recognized that what was happening to me was something extremely sane, something bizarre, something life changing.

I had not had any visions like this prior to this time, so when the visions came upon me, they hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember gasping because of the enormity and extreme realness of the images pouring into my head.

The first thing I saw was an image of myself standing in this light gray mist. On one side of me were people of all kinds. These people represented Earth and the many who lived upon it. On the other side was what I perceived as Heaven filled with Spirit, love, light, and so much more than I can describe. I stood in the middle, not on one side, not on the other. In the gray mist I saw myself reaching out to the people of Earth. As I would reach them I would grab people and one by one pull them to the other side, the side full of light and love.

When I saw this vision, I cried and cried out, “NO!” over and over again to my guide. He only said to me, “It will be” and continued to remind me of this as the visions continued.

I pushed it out of my mind as hard as I could, asking for it to stop. It didn’t stop, though.

The next visions came in waves. By this time I had tears streaming down my face and I remember seeing the lights reflecting off the asphalt of the highway I was on. It seemed I was on a kind of auto pilot as I drove. I saw the road moving in front of me as if in slow motion, visions continuing to force my attention elsewhere.

I saw many things. The first was the White House on fire. There were no angry people in protest nor was there any evidence of the cause of the fire. Yet the fire burned and I felt what I would call a “wind” of massive change and upheaval pour through me.

The visions continued. I saw the rivers swelling with water and the oceans rising, splitting the U.S. in half at the Mississippi River. I saw the land falling into the ocean and people moving to escape the sweltering heat. I saw a new, flu-like disease wiping out portions of the populations of the world. I saw war and terror overseas and greed and political corruption here in the U.S. I saw a huge rubble field replace the parking lots of the school I worked at which is located across from a major military instillation.

Like a wave, the visions kept on and I heard voices crying out and calling to me amongst the chaos that was enveloping my mind. By this time I remember pulling up to my house and turning off the car. I was sobbing and begging for it to stop. “Please”, I said, “Please let me only hear one voice.”

And it stopped. All at once it was quiet and the visions were gone. I heard a quiet voice say, “I am here.” It ended then and I hope it never repeats.

In 2013 I have a visit from a guide where I am given more specifics about what to expect around 2020. This reiterates what I had been told before, but, of course, I’d forgotten about it by then. I have shared that post on here before and here it is again. The virus comes up as does a “change in government”. Based upon this discussion it seems many factors will lead to the decrease in population I am told about.

All throughout my journal I am told that the world is going through its own spiritual awakening that mirrors my own just on a much larger scale. I am reminded that I am loved, I am never alone and there is no judgment, only pure acceptance of what IS. 

So the virus comes up frequently as do other changes. The reason for it seems always just so that I am aware but in the visit with my guide he repeats how “It all comes down to you” and the choices I make – we all make. 

The memory of my experience with the awful flu in 2019, my subsequent review of my journal combined with the OMG feeling and “The time is Now” message, it is no wonder that I woke the morning of my birthday with the decision to get the vaccination. I have often gotten warnings of the future and have felt unable to really do anything with the information I receive. Perhaps this time I can? I may not be able to change what happens on a larger scale but at least I can protect myself and my family – or at least try. 

Some of you may wonder what my stance is on this virus. Do I think it is real? Yes. Do I think it is as dangerous as the media, government and CDC say it is? No, but the fear these sources spread is. Do I believe the warnings my guidance has given me over the years – yes, but my experience with such “predictions” has taught me to take it all in stride, to wait and see and not jump to conclusions. Do I think that the vaccinations are “bad” for me, potentially altering my DNA or tracking my movements – no.

My guidance warned me in 2019 with “put your blinders on” and I am following their advice. Blinders keep a horse looking straight ahead at the path in front of them. They keep distractions to a minimum, blocking the horses view to either side and behind them so the horse doesn’t startle or panic. This is what I believe all of us should do right now. The amount of distraction around us right now is ridiculous and so many of them lead to fear, anxiety, panic and even paranoia. Keep your eyes and focus straight ahead. Focus on what you know in your heart to be true and nothing else. Ignore the distractions. That is all they are and their purpose is meant to slow you down, “injure” you so that you are dependent upon another/others or become completely immobilized. 

My decision was not made in fear. I don’t fear the virus. I don’t fear death. In fact, I joked about how maybe getting the vaccine would kill me and end my misery. lol Honestly, I just don’t want to get sick like I did in 2019 so if I can decrease that likelihood, then I will. Maybe my decision won’t change a thing, maybe it will. We will see. 

I got the Pfizer vaccine because that is what my daughter got. I wanted the Johnson-Johnson one because I really don’t want to get jabbed twice, but it is not readily available in my area and so, since my daughter could only get the Pfizer one, I got it along with her. So far, no problems other than a sore arm. 

When we went to the vaccination clinic the huge space was almost completely vacant. There were two others beside us. As we waited our 15 minutes at the end (to make sure we had no allergic reaction) the nurse approached me and wished me a happy birthday. She was super nice and pleasant, her energy very calming. She seemed like an old soul to me. When we left I felt elated for some reason, which confirmed to me that my decision was sound. 

We will be getting the second dose at the end of the month.

If you now want nothing to do with me, then I bid you farewell and all the best on your journey. It could be your road and mine have now diverged. It could be we meet again in this life, or the next one.

I am not a puppet. I don’t follow the crowd. I do what feels right for me and I don’t push my beliefs and opinions on other people. I think if the rest of the world did this it would be a much more peaceful place, don’t you? 

Keep your blinders on. 

Running with Horses

The first time I ran with a horse, my sister-in-law and I took Chocolate (choco-latte) for a ride into town to get some groceries and a bite to eat. I was asked by my sister-in-law to ride another horse named Joy, but it was late and I was nervous about riding in the dark. I have not ridden one of the horses yet and the last thing I wanted to do is ride in the dark for that first ride.

On the ride in, Chocolate seemed to want me to be in the lead. So that is what I did and he perked up and displayed an eagerness to follow me. So, I decided to start running and my sister-in-law loosened up the reins and let him do as he pleased. He followed along at a trot and then ran faster to keep up with me. He preferred to run with his head right at the back of my head, nose at my ponytail, and my sister-in-law tried to move him to the right of me but he would continue to go back into that position. When I stopped he would stop. When I ran, he ran. He would sync his pace to mine every time.

We reached the grocery store and I was kind of fatigued and hungry, so my sister-in-law went the rest of the way while I stayed behind. She wanted to check on her garden keeper, Jose, who had a sick daughter. Chocolate wouldn’t go where she wanted at first. He circled around back behind me as if questioning, “Isn’t she coming?” I watched them leave and then ordered some food at a small restaurant where I watched people come and go. There was much more activity than I expected, but then it was a Saturday night.

When my sister-in-law returned she joined me for dinner and afterward we did our grocery shopping. Chocolate was tied up in a safe place but the entire time he kept his eyes on us and I could feel that he just wanted to be with us. If he could’ve, he would’ve stood right beside our table at the restaurant and probably would’ve tried to eat our dinner!

At one point, while Chocolate was standing with us, he beelined it for a man who was on the other side of the road. The man turned out to be from the US and had lived at a horse ranch for two years. He was very comfortable with Chocolate and seemed genuinely honored that Chocolate chose him to say “hello” to. The man was, however, carrying a package of vanilla sandwich cookies and he gave one to Chocolate who eagerly ate it up. We joked that it was the cookie Chocolate really was interested in. lol

On the trip home it was completely dark and started to rain. I had a small flashlight and took the lead. I would run and Chocolate would run behind me. Eventually, though, he began to run right beside me, his neck and shoulders lined up with me. At times he would get so close that when I turned toward him he would be only inches away but it made me laugh and feel more free to have him that close. He felt like a companion and it was clear we were synched up, both feeling the same joy and exhilaration of running.

During the homestretch I took off in a sprint and I could hear Chocolate do the same. I was laughing and screaming at the thrill of the feeling. I felt like a child playing a game of tag.

My sister-in-law was surprised at how comfortable I was with a horse as large as Chocolate that close to me while I was running. I never once felt fear or concern about how close he was. I just enjoyed myself and felt the freedom that I typically feel when I run. I think that might be why chocolate was so eager to run by my side. I was not mired down in thoughts, anxieties or worries, but living in the moment, which is exactly where horses are all the time.

Last night we tried it again with a different horse named Beloved. Same result but she was more serious as if she were “working” while Chocolate was more relaxed. Chocolate would be saying (if he could talk), “Yes! Let’s run!” and Beloved would be saying, “Must run. Must run.” lol

Update

Running with horses is just one piece of my healing journey, of course. There is a lot happening, though most of it is internal. With the freedom and space to be myself and feel myself, shit has been coming to the surface for release. It is intermittent, but frequent enough for me to recognize that I it will be a slow process.

I’ve tried to stay away from the internet and social media more and I believe it is best that I do because when I have, there have not been good feelings arising from the few interactions I’ve had. It feels like the Universe is saying, “Step away.” If I don’t, then something distasteful comes up.

For example, one day, while just lounging on a hammock listening to nature sounds and soaking up the space around me, someone left a comment on my FB page. I went ahead an answered but soon realized I should have just turned off my phone. The person was someone who frequently engages in conversation with me so I didn’t feel any dis-ease about it but it was apparent that my responses were not what was expected or wanted. There was a blow up on her end where I was accuse of not being open to new things/suggestions and using my blog and FB only to get attention. While I wasn’t triggered by the interaction I was saddened by it.

To be honest, I am not being very open to new things and new people right now – purposefully. I am very selective and cautious, seeking only those interactions that call to me. What I feel directed to do is Be with myself, nurture myself, and give myself the space to process the crap I have not felt safe enough to process. My favorite things to do right now is be in nature and interact with all the creatures in it from butterflies to monkeys, horses, plants, water and everything in between.

I specifically don’t want to be around people very much. Sure, I do interact with others, but rarely and very selectively. For example, I had a wonderful Lomi Lomi massage on Monday by a woman who came to my location. She integrated energy work into her massage, which was wonderful. Similarly, while having dinner with my SIL a couple of nights ago, I met a woman from L.A. who was in the process of relocating here and listened to her experiences and stories finding many similarities to my own. She had been to Mt. Shasta like me and it helped me recognize the very different energies of vortex locations and their purposes and affect on me. Mt. Shasta is elevating, Cabuya is purging. The energy here is very specific – it says “you are safe” and “allow yourself to feel, BE and release”. This, apparently is the experience of many others who visit, also.

This morning I awoke from a dream in which I was once again in a school as a teacher. I won’t go into details of the dream, but when I awoke my guidance and I discussed where I’m at presently in my life. I was also asked to “see” my future, which I can do but honestly don’t want to because I’ve been let down so much by doing that. I struggle to keep expectation out of what I see. I recognized that I will, at some point, want to be around people again, that I will be more available to others in a giving/healing capacity like I once was so many years ago (another lifetime it seems). Where I’m at now is not that at all. It is the complete opposite.

Eventually, when asked to contemplate where I am heading, I was asked if I could see or imagine the person I will one day become. I can’t and the thought of being that way makes me want to hide and curl up in a ball.

Ultimately, my response was, “I’m not ready”, and a part of a song came to mind and began to repeat:

I just want the bad feelings to end
But there’s some shit I can’t forget
I don’t think I’m ready yet
Hit me up another time

Maybe one day I’ll change my mind

This is the whole song if you’re interested:

This morning when I opened the front door, a massive butterfly the size of my hand flew past me. Something about seeing it reminded me of the conversation with my guide and the song above. I started to cry as I swept the floor and prepared for my day. The realization that I’m not ready caused the tears. I want to be ready. I’m so tired, though, and it is obvious I need a lot of rest and self-care.

A Typical Day

I wake around 5:30am and linger in bed for a while before waking to make my coffee and lounge around a bit more. I am working remotely, so I usually log in and check emails, etc. Some days I put this off and other days I get right to business. Usually while working I open the front door and sweep away the previous night’s insect party remains (lol).

Sometimes I lay in the hammock, other times I follow that morning’s nature sound to figure out what it is. Usually this curiosity leads me to something fascinating. For example, two days in a row I heard strange sounds, followed them and found a troop of capuchin monkeys. The second day I did this, I arrived just in time to see two fall mid-flight to the ground and not get up. I stood watch for a while and marveled at how the troop remained close by to make sure their fallen comrades were not alone. The two eventually woke up, dazed and stumbling around, to join the troop.

Then I go out to help feed and tend to the six horses. I spend time with them, give them water and showers with the hose and clean out their water trough. Often I go and pick mangoes to give them as a treat. Afterward, I make breakfast for my SIL and myself and we usually talk and decide what may happen that day.

The rest of the day I do whatever I feel like doing. Yesterday I went for a swim with the horses (SIL came, too) in the sea and then went for a horse run to the local grocery store. Many days, though, I don’t do much besides work and lay around. In the evening I usually lay in the hammock or talk with my SIL. I have taken a trip to the closest town a couple of times. I caught the bus with my SIL and then got on another one into the bigger town called Cobano where we buy larger items and have access to more stores, etc. This is where I will go to get my Covid test before I finally leave on the 18th.

By evening I am usually already getting tired by 6-7pm. The sun is setting anyway and my eyes and body feel heavy to the point that I can’t often fight the tiredness. Some nights the night creatures startle me. For examples, I keep having visits by land crabs. One was even trapped in my kitchen sink! I also see lots of large toads on my porch. I like to watch them stuff themselves on the buffet of fresh bugs my light attracts. The geckos are also interesting but I dislike them because they leave poop gifts all over, sometimes in my coffee cup! Yuck! I have to keep a fan on high in my room to stay cool and keep any flying bugs away. The mosquitoes can get really bad at night. Some mornings I wake up to random mystery bites on my body that itch and I wonder what critter crawled in bed with me. Thankfully, I sleep so good I don’t notice the bugs if they are on me.

Lately I’ve been missing some modern conveniences like a/c and hot showers. I even looked for a resort to spend my last week at but have not felt motivated to follow through. You can get a room at a resort for $700/week or less! Some come with great perks like breakfast and dinner included and/or a free Covid test. Ha! I get tired of some of the drawbacks of the simple life like septic systems that can’t handle TP (you put it in the trash and it tends to stink) and sauna like conditions that only go away in the late evening hours. I am sweating most of the time and it can make me feel dirty and gross. I also wish I had a car. I can go most places on foot but the best ones are too far to walk to. It would be nice to have some better food options and to not have to put everything in the fridge because of ants eating through the packages and feasting on unopened food! Thankfully ants don’t seem to like coffee. lol

Messages

Here are a some pictures of the critters I’ve seen repetitively and the messages they bring. All of the messages are true for me right now.

Horse Healing and Message: Follow That Feeling

I’ve spent much of my time here at Resurrection Ranch taking time to myself, sleeping, resting, exploring nature and being among the horses. My goal for coming to Costa Rica and staying an additional three weeks is to, “Find myself” and to get space so that I can accomplish this.

My sister-in-law has been a great guide, listening and assisting me along the way. She most definitely has a gift when it comes to intuitively connecting with horses in order to receive their gifts. She is also a good listener and is very direct in her approach, which I appreciate as this is how I communicate as well – a no bullshit approach. Thankfully, we get along well with one another and seem to work well together. I have no concerns about her overall intentions in inviting me to her place to be with her and her horses. I feel she genuinely wants to help and has no ulterior motives.

Horse Healing

So far, I’ve experienced emotional release among the horses and while walking on the beach. Each time it felt like I received permission to let my guard down and relax. A voice spoke to me saying, “You are safe here.”

The very first time I was among the horses, it was evident that there is an energy the horses have that is healing and grounding. Every horse has this ability, but we humans don’t often feel it because we are so caught up in our minds, worries, anxieties and other things. If we are present in the moment and open to receiving, then we can connect and receive what the horses have to offer us. For me, it took a little while to get into a space where I was open and available to receive. When I did get into the space, I felt a strong pull in my heart chakra. The energy swirled and was very warm and with it I began to get emotional. I heard a distinct voice say to me, “It’s okay, you are safe here.”

That particular encounter was with a horse named Beloved. My sister-in-law told me that she had been abused previously and was very hesitant to come close to humans like she did with me. So it was quite an honor to have her work with/on me.

The next emotional release I experienced was when I went out for a walk at low tide. The shores of the beaches here are very rocky and when it is low tide the rocks extend for a very long distance. I decided I wanted to walk that distance to the ocean. When I first stepped foot onto the beach I again heard that voice say to me, “You are safe here.“ Something about hearing that voice caused me to become emotional and as I walked out on the rocks towards the ocean waves I allowed myself to release whatever emotion I was feeling.

Chocolate

The next significant emotional release came while interacting with a horse known as Chocolate (choco-latte). His energy and personality is very strong and he is a very big, black horse. He intimidated me when I first met him and for some reason he was very attracted to me. He would see me across the field and start coming towards me very fast. This would create a small panic response in me because he was so big and I was so small. Usually I would rush away or hide behind something so that I felt more safe.

According to my sister-in-law, Chocolate is one of the most powerful healers in the herd. He is very physical, using his mouth and his tongue to lick and nudge areas of a person that need to be cleared. He will also breathe very strongly around the areas that are in need of clearing or healing. When I feel safe around him, I am very drawn to this horse. He is beautiful and strong and has a magical energy about him. So, any time I see him I am very friendly and have become more and more courageous when interacting with him. Where before I would walk very quickly away from him to hide behind a fence or a tree, now I allow him to nuzzle my hands and get very close to me. When he is close he likes to put his mouth on certain parts of the body, which can be very uncomfortable. So I make sure to tell him what is comfortable and what is not and he seems to listen. My sister-in-law says that one of the lessons Chocolate teaches is how to establish firm boundaries. If you do not have firm boundaries, he will push what boundaries you do have, testing your limits. With me, he has listened and respected the boundaries I’ve set thus far.

Very recently, I went to clean the water trough and get water for the herd which consists of six horses total. I did this alone without any fear or concern. Of course, Chocolate was right there beside me as soon as I went to do this task. He then followed me and stood by me, asking me if I would allow him to help me. Now he didn’t use words, it was just a feeling I got from him. Being I was all alone with the herd and at that moment with him, I was a little hesitant. I would walk away and Chocolate would watch me and then come around to meet me on the other side. It was obvious he was not going to let me out of his sight. So finally I stood still and let him do his magic.

My sister-in-law says the horses will line up humans with their various chakras to help to balance and align the energy. What Chocolate did was he stood with his front legs parallel to my heart chakra (broadside). I was about 2 feet away from him. I made sure that I told him that I was willing to receive and I stood with my hands palms up in front of me to receive energy from him and the Universe. What I felt was a wave of energy hit my heart chakra and I began to cry. When I began to cry, Chocolate turned his head towards me as if he was feeling what I was feeling. I remember the biggest wave of energy was when I took the time to really look at the magnificent horse in front of me and marvel at his beauty. I said to him, “You are beautiful.“ That is when the most emotion surged out of me. He turned and looked directly at me and nuzzled one of my hands as if saying , “I see you.”

Eventually, he shifted his position to where he was facing me, his chest straight across from my chest. We stood this way for a while as the emotional release continued. What I was feeling was nothing specific really. It just felt like I had been holding my breath for all my life and was finally able to breathe.

I don’t know how long this took but it felt like a long while. Really though it was probably only about five minutes because the water trough was filling and it was done filling by the time this encounter ended.

When I broke contact with Chocolate I told him thank you and that he was beautiful. Being that close with a horse of his size, being completely vulnerable and exposed to something that could, at any moment, harm me, would be intimidating to anyone. Had I not taken the time to listen to what the energy of this magnificent creature was telling me, I most likely would have run in the opposite direction. But instead I stood close to him, trusted him and allowed him to give me the gift is here to give.

It feels like what Chocolate was communicating that I am beautiful and I am worthy of receiving love, his love, all love. I AM love. And, of course, that I am safe and protected.

Messages

Since I’ve been in Costa Rica, I’ve had repetitive messages coming through from various sources as well as some synchronicities. The main message I’ve been getting is to get out of my own way. Not only did I receive this directly from my guidance, but I’ve also heard it from others and read it recently. This message is paired with another message I got prior to coming here: “let it happen.“ It is a consistent message but since I’ve been in Costa Rica it has been even stronger. In fact, a fellow blogger just recently posted a blog post with that as the title. Coincidence? I think not.

Another thing that is coming up is Ayahuasca. I didn’t come to Costa Rica with the intention to take this medicine, but it continues to come up over and over again. One day, a man just walked up the driveway. He was from India and was very curious about horse spirit healing. He mentioned that he had just gone on an Ayahuasca journey and we sat and talked about it for a while. That same day the topic was also brought up again and has repeated since then. My sister-in-law says she can help me take that journey if I am interested. I am keeping an open mind. If it happens to come to me, then so be it.

I’ve also been waking with the same song on my mind every morning since I’ve been here on my own. The message comes from a Coldplay song called Adventure of a Lifetime. The one line that keeps repeating is, “we are diamonds taking shape.” It feels like I am being reassured that this journey I am on is part of a process, a refining process, that will contribute to me becoming the role model I am here to be.

Dream Message: Follow that Feeling

I am having some significant dream recall. Just last night I had kundalini dream activity that spurred me into wakefulness.

I was visiting the UK and it had snowed. I went to this vast lake and had a little baby with me that felt like my son. I decided I wanted to take a picture because it was so unreal.

There was this strange coffin like box, almost like a bassinet but large enough for an adult. It had high, oval shaped edges that were yellow with yellow fringe. It was in the middle of the beach and obviously placed there purposely. I only noticed it but did not approach it.

As I went to take a photograph of the lake, a group of young boys walked across the field in the back obstructing my view of the landscape. So I paused and looked around and had a sudden fear that my child would hurt himself. Looking at the scene it was so desolate but beautiful at the same time.

I decided to kneel down in the sand. The heel of my foot hit right around my root chakra. There was this pleasant energy that radiated from my root chakra and began to move upward. I remember the feeling was strong enough that I struggled with it and was especially concerned that it would wake me up. This means that I was lucid but not so much that I was controlling the dream. Just like I feared, the sensation of the spreading energy did wake me up. And as I was waking up I heard a voice. It said, “Follow that feeling.“ I responded with, “I can’t. I’m scared I’ll get lost.”

Once awake and hearing my response to the voice, I thought back to it and to myself, “I won’t get lost. There is no such thing.”

In reflecting upon that dream and the message, I think what I encountered was my own reluctance and fear of following a beautiful feeling, a feeling that is me. The fear is irrational. It reminded me of how I used to feel when I would lose sight of my mom in the supermarket. So I think the fear is more of feeling aimless and alone in life. I think at some point when I get more comfortable in my own skin that this fear will fall away and I will be more solid in myself.

Lucid Dream and Message: Express Yourself

Woke up in tears this morning. It seems my request to Remember is being granted. Slowly but surely lucidity is returning to my dreams and I am being allowed to recall the work I’m doing in dreamtime.

Lucid Dream: Sexual Encounter

I became semi-lucid. Part of me thought I was actually awake but another was aware that it was a dream. I was laying in bed and felt to be both in my physical bed and my dream bed simultaneously. In the dream scene I was aware of an office-type environment and people from my work talking and moving about in an adjacent room. 

I lingered in bed, very relaxed and calm. Energetically, I was aware of my root and second chakras and the feeling was very seductive, almost like there was someone there with me. I do remember talking to someone, so it could be that I was not alone, but at the time it was just me in my bed. I can’t recall the discussion in detail but I believe I was telling him how the energy made me feel. The more I described the energy and sensations, the more they grew. It was as if my words magnified the energy. 

There is a brief moment when I requested a specific person be there with me. I requested this person by name more than once. It surprises me now that I did this but then it also makes perfect sense because I’ve often thought of this person as my teacher.

Eventually, I recall hearing a distinctive male voice say, “Relax and go with it.” When hearing his words there was recognition that I was focusing too much on the energy and effectively blocking its movement. Instantly I released my attention and the energy suddenly burst through all at once and then slowed until it flowed in a steady stream, circulating between the lower chakras. Interestingly, the sudden burst of sexual energy did not awaken me and I remained in a lucid state with the dream scene.

The next thing I remember is reaching toward “the voice” and encountering a body. Everything about what I felt was physically real. It was very obviously a male body. I felt along his arms and shoulders and then felt his hairy chest. I could also see him in my mind’s eye but my vision never turned on. What I saw was only what I touched, so I never saw a face. I’m not sure I wanted it to. It seems like I wanted the man to remain a mystery but in my mind I was thinking he was “husband” but not my actual husband in my waking life. So which husband? I have no idea! lol Honestly, it didn’t matter at the time because I was immersed in exploring through touch. The entire time this energy continued to swirl and, funny enough, I became very comfortable with it despite its highly erotic nature.

The very physical sensations eventually woke me up and the voice from the dream followed me into wakefulness. He was asking me questions about my experience. One in particular was about the sensation of touch. He asked if I could tell the age of a person by feel. I said, “No, not really.” The questioning seemed to be about the sense of touch versus vision. It became clear to me that using my physical eyes could be counter productive in certain situations. I was reminded of how I am meant to see the world with my inner eyes, not the physical ones, because the physical eyes support the illusion while the inner eyes see the truth. My mind was filled with past experiences where this was painfully obvious. I hadn’t realized how much my physical eyes contribute to the solidification of the illusion within the framework of this physical experience. So often I have tossed my inner Knowing about someone or something because my physical eyes see something else!

Dream: Express Yourself 

Although I woke up for a short time, when I fell back to sleep I returned to the dream scene. Still in bed, I saw my son come into the room and change his shirt. When he left, I followed him out and saw someone from work directing people about in a classroom. The feeling in the space was one of organized chaos. I Knew that in this space I could be myself and no one would judge me. 

Something caught my attention and I turned around to see that behind me was outdoors. A blonde, thin woman who was about my age, was receiving a yellow bikini to try on. I remember seeing her and thinking she was quite attractive for her age and had taken good care of her body. She looked a decade younger than she was.

When she put on the bikini bottoms they were like bloomers rather than normal bottoms. She disliked this and another bottom was provided. She went behind a screen to try it on but took her time. When she came out, everyone was applauding, expecting her to shine in her new bikini, but she was wearing a brown dress that looked like a potato sack. When I asked her why she wasn’t wearing the bikini, she said it showed her love handles. A flash of what she was talking about came to mind. Two very small bumps above her hips. I told her how beautiful she was and that she didn’t have any love handles. She didn’t believe me and walked away.

When I turned back toward the classroom, I was invited to come inside and observe. The room was dark but various colored lights were flashing, giving the appearance of stars. There were six rows of desks with students. Music was playing and the students were singing, one-by-one, when their turn came. I sat down in the front, left desk – the only open seat. To my left was a screen and music was playing from it. I turned and looked around at the students. They were all smiling and friendly. Again, I felt that I was in a safe space, one where everyone was accepted and loved.

The music was spectacular and the singing even more so. The entire room was lit up with a vibrant energy and I was immediately impressed. Each student was given a chance to express their own inner truth however it came to them and the music shifted based upon which student was singing. Their words are lost to me now but I was deeply moved by each student regardless of the tone of their songs. Some were sad, others joyous, and some a mixture of emotion. Every song expressed the individual’s unique Self and each song contributed to the energy of the space creating a chorus unlike any I’d heard before. 

As I watched the progression and listened to their individual voices, I began to have all sorts of emotions arise out of me. The more songs I heard, the more my own song began to emerge. It is hard to pinpoint just one emotion because there were so many. Part of me wanted very badly to participate. I wanted to stay there with them forever. I was impressed by the teacher who mainly just facilitated the group and gave her support. 

A familiar song came to mind. The words, “Where are you now?” repeated over and over.

And then I began to sob. The emotion came from deep within and just poured out of me. I began to feel very self-conscious and worried someone would see my ugly red eyes and nose. I attempted to hide my face but a student to my right locked eyes with me and smiled. The message was, “It’s okay”, and a rush of love and acceptance swirled around me, hitting my heart dead center. After that, there was nothing I could do but allow.  

I woke up in tears, the song’s words repeating in my head and the voice saying, “Express yourself.” I was invited to return to that very sexual, creative energy from the previous dream. When I did, I would feel a sudden calm, which was surprising to me, and a clarity would come over me. But then I would shift out of it again, and the emotion would pour out. I was concerned about my past, the mistakes I’ve made, the lack of progress I perceived, the decisions that I regretted – but mostly that my past felt hollow and without any purpose; pointless. The voice reminded me not to judge myself so harshly. I thought of a specific “mistake” and he said, “You were not ready.” 

Dream Considerations

The first dream reflects how I’ve been feeling lately. For some reason I’ve been feeling extremely sexual. I haven’t been focusing on it really, just noticing. It has been a very long time since I’ve had a dream like this one, one where I feel someone physically with me, hear them audibly, and do not awaken from it. My sense is that I was being taught how to handle the lower chakra energies. My tendency is to either avoid them altogether or to overly focus on them which makes the energy that much more intolerable. I was shown that just allowing the energy diminishes the intensity and makes it much easier to tolerate. In fact, it became almost like a background energy to the remainder of the dream. Surprise!

The questions I am asked are also interesting and revealing. Again, it appears my considerations about old age and appearance are coming up for inspection. When I was younger, I really had no issue dating men older than me. In fact, I tended to be attracted to men 7+ years older than myself and dated one that was 12 years older than me for a while. Ha! Back then, when I was in my late 20’s, a man in his mid-30’s and early 40’s didn’t seem old at all. Huh. Now that I’m in my 40’s, though, I am beginning to fear old age – the wrinkles, saggy skin, age spots, etc. So, anyone older than me just reminds me that I am getting old, too. Yet in this dream I am reminded that what the physical eyes see is limited and wrought with conditioning and expectation. I am asked to use my inner vision and feeling to guide me and disregard my physical vision. Feel into a person’s energy and use that to “see” them.

The second dream appears to be another healing dream. First, I am shown myself in the woman trying on the bikini. She is me and how she thinks of herself – how critical she is of her body – is so very like me. Then, I am taken to a space that is full of unconditional love and acceptance and given the opportunity to express myself. I am allowed to see how everyone’s unique song is part of a bigger “chorus”. All ranges of emotion are included. Nothing is seen as “bad” or “shameful”. No one laughs or mocks anyone else. Pure acceptance. The feeling is beyond amazing and I want so badly to participate. I want to stay there forever. The emotion that arises, though, indicates I do not feel worthy.

The message in the song is that I need to focus on the present. “Where are you now?” is asked so that I focus on the present. The past is in the past. There is nothing but Now.

Dream: Losing My Heart

My dreams were upsetting last night. The same male guide was present but no more Kundalini. Instead, it appeared I was being counseled/assisted – more healing work.

Dream: Waiting My Turn

In this dream I was outside in a garden with others. I remember we were all gathered to receive the introduction and instructions. We were awaiting our turns to have readings. I don’t recall ever receiving mine, but I remember interacting with others in the group and the garden. The garden had concrete benches, fountains, birdbaths, and statues in it. It appeared to be in someone’s back yard because there was a boundary of hedges surrounding it. There were stone paths winding through it, also, and the feeling was peaceful but anticipatory. 

I remember meeting some people but the interactions are lost to me. Again, there was a man and a woman. One man in particular came up to me and told me, “I called you, you know.” I said, “You did? Oh. Well, I probably didn’t answer because I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t know. You should have told me you were calling so I would’ve answered.” I didn’t recognize the man. He was slender, tall, dark haired and wore glasses. Somehow we discussed our ages and I learned he was 39. I remember telling him how I enjoyed being 39, that it was a good year. I briefly became caught up in the memory of it, which was nice. I felt loved, excited about life and optimistic about the future possibilities.

I remember my turn for a reading was coming up next and seeing the entrance to the space through the garden. It was a small door surrounded by greenery. There is memory of feeling like the reading would discuss certain issues I’ve had in my life. I don’t remember feeling excited about it because I had this sense that I would be told my future was not a good one.

Dream: Losing my Heart 

Perhaps this was part of my reading? 

I saw myself running a race with a man who was familiar. I believe it was my heart connection but he was always in front of me and I was trying to catch up to him. The race consisted of short laps back and forth within a gym-sized space. I remember running very fast and suddenly feeling my heart rate was too high. There was not much of the race left to run, only 30 seconds more, but my heart couldn’t tolerate it. I decided to quit the race, telling someone nearby I needed to stop before I passed out. 

I remember discussing my decision with a man. He was asking me why I stopped when the finish line was only 30 seconds away. I told him I just couldn’t run any longer. Yet his questions left me wondering if perhaps I could have run that last 30 seconds. Maybe I overreacted? Maybe I gave up too soon? 

Then I saw myself sitting on a bus beside my heart connection. Oh the feeling! We were very much in love and I remember him laying his head on my shoulder and reaching out to me over all others when he needed something. It was clear to me that he “chose me” and I chose him in return. I don’t recall anyone else on the bus with us, just row upon row of seating beyond what the eye could see. It was like time stood still in this part of the dream and I lingered in the feeling of being with him. 

Something happened, though, and he suddenly left me sitting alone on the bus. It felt like he was distracted or pulled elsewhere; like he chose someone or something over me. I was left with this awful sinking feeling and horrible aching inside. No matter what I tried, the feeling persisted and I began to despair, sinking deeper into a dark abyss of heartache and loneliness. I have never felt so alone in my life! 

In the dream I began to sob mournful sobs that shook my entire body. A weakness spread from my chest into my legs until my entire body felt like it would shatter into a million pieces. The grief was intolerable but the loneliness, the empty nothingness, was the worst. I’ve never felt so alone in my life!

The last thing I remember is a flash of a high school letter jacket or something like it. I think it was all he left behind.

Thawing Out

When I woke I was talking to my guide, tears in my eyes. Thankfully, the feeling of loss was fading quickly. What I did still feel was the love. I’ve never loved anyone so much! I realized my love for him has never faded. It is infinite, beyond time and space. No amount of pushing it away, pretending it never existed or numbing myself will erase a love like that. 

There was full memory of the discussion behind the scenes of my dream. It was clear to me that the “memorial” from a previous dream was a memorial to my heart connection and our love. I knew in the dream I’d created it but I didn’t know who it was for. And I realized what the “freeze” was, the freeze that almost killed the bushes planted around the plaque. “The freeze” was a period where emotions and even life was “frozen”; put on hold. The fact that green shoots were coming out of the bushes is a positive sign. New life is emerging.

Recognizing all this was of no help. I could still feel that infinite love and the thought of continuing on in this life separated from that love, carrying an indescribable emptiness within, is unbearable. I begged again to be allowed to return Home because I know once I’m Home the burden I’m carrying will be lifted. I told my guidance, “I lost my heart when he left.” And it does feel that way, like there is a space in my chest where my heart use to be. 

My guidance indicates possibilities still exists. I am unable to conceive of any such future. It has been five years, though, and the message is I am “thawing out”. What this means, I can’t say, but I suspect that there will be an opportunity to try again, to do what I couldn’t bring myself to do in the past. What all that entails, I can only guess. The memory of that time is mostly confusion, filled with not-Knowing, indecision and doubt. There was too much pain and emotion swirling around and I lost my anchor. It felt like I was caught up in a whirlpool; directionless and unable to determine what was up and what was down. I cannot go through that again, not without a firm anchor in place. But what is that anchor? A person? A path? A purpose? All of the above? 

I feel depleted this morning so I know work was done in dreamtime. I have asked to remember more of what occurs behind-the-scenes. I was told it would be provided. I long to Remember again, even if it means I may have to confront things I would rather not. 

Dream Healing Experience

Sleep didn’t come as easily last night. As soon as I got into bed I felt a strong energy from out in front of me and slightly to my left. Initially, when I sensed it, the energy felt urgent and I felt like jumping out of bed and acting on that urgency. This is when I questioned the energy and heard back, “We are here to help you” and sensed a very large group of Beings – the Council of 12 is what I have called them in the past. Though I felt tired and my eyes were heavy, when I attempted sleep I tossed and turned until just before midnight.

Dream Healing Experience

I found myself inside an apartment with a young, blonde man. I was questioning why I was there. He seemed nice enough and resembled someone I met back in 2015. I remember feeling extremely drowsy. 

I sat down on the floor and propped myself up against a sofa. The young man plopped down next to me. As we talked, his energy was very calming and surrounded me in a kind of cocoon of energy. The energy was beautiful and caused my drowsiness to intensify. I discovered that I was this man’s roommate and the attention he paid me caused me to worry he might be interested in a relationship with me. He stayed very close, touching me at all times with some part of himself. His energy said, “It’s okay. You’re safe and loved. Talk to me”. I remember thinking, “He’s like me” and being relieved but my eyes were so heavy and all I wanted to do was rest for a bit. I told him this but he continued to hover. I closed my eyes, enjoying his energy, and he began to shower me with kisses all over my face. I told him I just wanted to lay there with him and asked him if he could hold me. He appeared to do this and for a brief period I surrendered to the amazing comfort and safety of his arms.

Then, suddenly, a strange woman wearing a long dress was standing in the doorway to the apartment. She had long, wavy, dark hair and a serious look on her face. The young man jumped up in a hurry and told me he had to go to work. He was wearing khaki pants and a matching shirt as he left through the front door. The door was odd, though. It was not solid and seemed to be made of a thick mat of beads or a similar material. I stood as he closed the door. It didn’t shut completely and he returned to push it into place. 

Seeing it was morning and I was all alone in a new place, I began to investigate my new home. As I looked around I was thinking of my situation. I knew I had lost my job. In my mind I was mulling over all my previous jobs and remember feeling as if someone suggested a previous employer as an option. There was no concern or worry about my situation. I seemed to just accept it.

I sat down at the kitchen table and was surprised by an young Asian woman. She was drinking a soda (happy, upbeat attitude) and I noticed I had one, too. I asked her name and she gave me a name that didn’t make sense, so I asked her what her family called her. She told me she couldn’t tell me. In talking with her, I soon learned the apartment was much larger than it seemed and at least eight others lived in it. These others began coming into the kitchen at this time but I only recall four or five of them, some male, some female. The Asian woman asked me if I was going to drink my soda. When I said I wasn’t, she asked if she could have it and when I agreed she took it eagerly.

I took a closer look at the kitchen. I had this empty feeling and I felt like I needed to fill it with something, food maybe. There were groceries all over the countertops but it was mostly loaves of bread (basic needs in life). I briefly mentioned they must like bread as I thought that I would certainly have to go shopping for more foods items because bread alone wouldn’t suffice. Then I asked if they had a coffee maker. The Asian woman said they did. I asked if anyone drank coffee (seeking more awareness), she said she would but only with a certain kind of creamer. I took note of this as an item to add to my shopping list. 

Throughout all this I was conversing with them about my situation. I mentioned that I was paid $250/week and this information seemed off. I didn’t become lucid in the dream, though. All at once I realized that I had lost everything – my job, my house, my family, my identity even. My reaction to this was shock and an expansion of the empty feeling I had previously. There was a brief panic at not knowing what to do.

The next thing I know, I am standing outside the door to the apartment. I don’t know how I got there but it felt like I’d been kicked out. Feeling abandoned and alone, I began to wander the streets aimlessly.

I came to a busy area where people were walking about or sitting at tables. I saw some guys attempting to bully a young, nerdy guy into handing over his valuables. I walked up to them and slipped my hand into his pocket and retrieved a wad of money. The bullies had in their hand a folder and were looking through it. One mentioned how good I was as a pickpocket. The other, holding the folder, pulled out some sheet music and then put it back inside. I turned to the nerd who was standing there in shock. I asked his name and he gave me a name that started with a “V”. Somehow I knew he was a musician. I felt bad for him and ashamed at myself for taking his money but I needed the money. I had to eat.

As I walked away, I turned to see the crowded space of people of all ages and races. I noticed something was off and went to investigate. I found a young black mother and her daughter, both dead, sitting at one of the tables. The daughter had her throat cut from her neck all the way down to the middle of her chest. I look around and saw no one there even noticed. They were all too busy. I went up to the dead mother and daughter. I placed their bodies next to one another on the floor, wrapping the daughter in her mother’s arms. Then I pulled a blanket up and around them, covering them completely. 

In this moment I am transported back to the apartment. All of the roommates are there hovering around me as I stand at the entrance. It is similar to another dream I had recently. I feel like a child, very naïve. For some reason I excitedly announced that I learned one could find food by looking for the trucks “with the light”. 

Sudden realization hit me. I thought, “I’m acting like a child.” And as soon as the thought hit me, I burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. 

What I recall of this moment is my thoughts and the feeling from the group that surrounded me. My main thought was the world is a horrible place full of self-serving individuals. I am reminded of the dead mother and daughter and how no one even noticed or tried to help, caught up in their own life dramas. I thought of how those bullies took advantage of the nerd. Again, self-serving behavior. I was both horrified and shocked by what I experienced. The feeing was there was no hope for this planet or the people on it.

I remember pausing for a moment. My tears stopped and I looked at the people standing around me. When I felt their energy and support, I burst into tears again.

The feeling from those who surrounded me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I felt wrapped in a bubble or cocoon of energy. I remember thinking, “They are like me”, and recognizing they were somehow directing or manipulating the energy, my energy. I thought they must be reflecting my own energy back at me or something, but this didn’t seem right. The feeling of being in the cocoon was the most wonderful, safe, feeling I’ve ever had. I could be completely open and vulnerable. I could be myself without worry of judgement or expectation. I realized that being this way is all I’ve ever wanted but because I sense how people truly are, I’ve never met anyone I can be 100% myself with. It was such a relief to finally let go. 

As I began to wake up from the dream, I could hear soft music accompanying my tears.

After Waking

When I woke I was sobbing, the kind of sobbing where I can’t breathe. Even when I stopped, the tears would seep out unexpectedly. I realized how trapped I feel in this world. Abandoned. Alone.

I remember that during the dream someone was talking to me about certain people in my life, people I would rather not be around and so avoid. When asked if I would reconsider, I felt into their energy and could not tolerate it. My reply was, “No”. Then I said, “I’m with the wrong people (in my life)”. The people I should be around should make me feel like the roommates in my dream. 

As I lay in the in-between I remember catching pieces of a conversation. What is funny is that whenever I tried to focus on what was being said, it would instantly be lost to me. I was told it was purposeful, and I understood. The feeling of it was enough. I remember Knowing that difficult times were ahead, similar to the situation I found myself in during the dream. A feeling of all being lost. The dream served as a warning of this but also a message that I would find my people, people who “are like me”. What that means, I don’t know exactly. In the dream I remember thinking they must be Projectors or Reflectors (HD) because of how their energy felt. I didn’t feel like my own energy was being sucked dry; depleted. It was such a relief.

I questioned my guidance regarding the music that was playing. It was was like a scene from a movie and I knew I should find some humor in it, but I didn’t. Soon enough, though, another song came to mind: “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface. Well you talk like yourself but I hear someone else and now you’re making me nervous.” I understood my guidance was letting me know their concern.

This is the whole song:

I wrote the above portion of this post early this morning and came back to it now (mid-day) because the feeling from my dream returned briefly and brought on more tears. It feels like whatever is going on isn’t over. There is a sense of something big, or an “uh-oh” type feeling of anticipation.

Kundalini Dream: Refrigerated Lockbox

Prior to bed last night, a familiar guide energy came to me. The same energy that has been front and center since around the 20th of January. He asked me, “Can I come in?” At first I was like, “No”, but I already felt the warm, tingly energy building in the center of my back and spreading outward as if hugging me from behind. Recognizing the energy was not threatening, I surrendered to it and said, “Okay.” The energy spread all over and I sank into the bliss of it. So wonderful!

Kundalini Dream: Refrigerated Lockbox

I only remember parts of this dream. There was a house located in the country, quite a distance away from other houses and people, down a long, dirt road. I remember talking to a man who reminded me of someone I knew from high school – my best friend’s older brother. He use to have a massive crush on me but he was quite strange and just not really my type. 

What I recall most is that the man went to this house, knocking on the door. I let him in. 

The house resembled something out of a scary movie. To look at it you would think it must be haunted. It was made of whitewashed wood, had a covered porch, and shutters on the windows. The moonlight illuminated it in such a way that all you would need is some spooky music and you would be worried to go inside. It wasn’t my house or his. It felt like a friend’s house maybe? Hard to say but it was okay for us to be there. I also recall feeling like children frequented the house. 

Inside the house looked normal. Nothing scary but it was still quite dark. The scene mostly centered around what would be for dinner that night. The man opened up the freezer, which looked like a plain, white, square box around the size of a mini-fridge. Inside was a locked, wire box that contained various sweets, mostly ice cream. The man wanted me to let him in to get out some ice cream. Apparently, only I could open the box. I was hesitant. I remember suggesting he make some green beans instead and went looking for a can and a pot to cook them in. I do recall opening the lockbox, though, and sifting through the ice cream bars with him. 

The next thing I remember is seeing the man sitting on a school bus. There were no others on the bus, just him staring at me from near the back of the bus. He looked so young and bright, as if a light were illuminating him from within. His brown hair fell around his face in ringlets, falling just below his jawline, his face was very pale making his dark eyes and eyebrows that much more distinct. I remember saying, “You look so young but I know you are very, very old.” 

For some reason, I remember seeing a vivid image of jar with a lid. The green beans maybe? IDK. I never saw what was inside. In fact, it looked like an empty, glass jar with a metal lid. The lid began to turn slowly, opening.

Then the scene shifted. I have no idea how I got from the house to the bus and from the bus to this new scene. It is like there is a black void in my memory, like I “flash” from one scene to the next.

I was in my bedroom. A man was standing in my doorway. I thought of him as my husband, but he did not look like my husband, but then I never saw his face. He was massive and very tall, towering above me so that when I looked at him my eyes were at his collarbone. I asked him about the situation that led him to me. I don’t remember my exact words but I knew he had been in bed with “my mom” and that it had become too difficult for him to stay in bed with her. She had gotten “too fat” and there wasn’t enough room for him. I remember seeing a visual of a twin-sized bed in a dark room, This man was on the very edge of the bed because “my mom” was sprawled out to the point that he had mere inches of bed space.

The man comes toward me, intent on getting into bed with me. I focus on his feet. He has on large, steel-toed, work boots. I still think of him as my “husband” and am happy that he has come to my bed. 

As he gets closer I begin to anticipate what is coming next. I say, “Sssh! We don’t want to wake her up!” 

The man is naked. What is odd, though, is that his genitals are on his backside, facing away from me and located just above his butt crack. They are upside down, his testicles facing up. He also has no pubic hair and so his “package” resembled an oversized dildo. 

I begin to pull down my pants and underwear but do not take them off. Instead, I pull them down to my shoes. I am also wearing boots. As he climbs into bed I feel a pulling deep within and realize I have not felt that sensation in ages.

The next thing I remember is feeling a pressure up against my pubic bone. In the dream I see a foot pressed up against it. At the same time I feel a long, narrow object pushed into my mouth and down my throat. I, of course, think it is the man’s penis and though it is awkward, I don’t resist it. It goes down my throat to the point that it would normally gag me, but it didn’t. I can feel an energy expanding in my root chakra. At the same time, an energy is forming in my throat.

The energy in my root chakras grows very large and I begin to anticipate the rising of the Kundalini. Sadly, this causes my lucidity to peak and I wake up. 

Conversation

I lay in bed feeling the expansive energy of my root chakra. It just sits there and is wide enough that I feel the edges of it to the middle of my thighs and my entire pubic region to include my spine is engulfed in energy. 

I try to relax and let the energy move up, but it doesn’t get very far. The guide’s energy is with me. I feel him in front of me and I know he is working on my energy body. 

The dream comes to mind and I realize that the symbolism of it is hiding the truth. I Know I gave this guide permission – invited him in. The house seems to be a hidden aspect, something shared by others. The lockbox in the dream that contained the ice cream is representative of that which I have locked others out of. I open it for him in the dream and afterward I see this guide on the bus (important life journey) and know he is much older than he appears. Then again, I see an opening, but this time it is a glass jar (feeling sealed up in life or stuck). The green beans symbolize good relations with others; friendship.

After that we are both in my private space and he has left the bed of my “mom”, who has become so “fat” that it forces him out. The feeling I get is that “mom” is a kind of authority figure and she has “rules” and sets boundaries. My guess is that her being “fat” indicates a kind of complacency in this aspect of me. She is set in her ways and has grown fat and lazy. She doesn’t want to do the “work” needed. The boots we are both wearing indicates that we are doing that “work”, though, and attempting not to “wake” my other aspect. 

The man’s genitals are on his backside and they look unrealistic. My guess is I am seeing some kind of tool being used and they are not genitalia at all. The pressure I feel subsequently is a result of the healing work being done on me by him and maybe Others. It is familiar. I have had many similar dreams in the past where I feel something going down my throat as something is pushed up into my root. Nothing went “up” into my root this time, though. There was just pressure.

I ask this guide who he is. I say, “Are you one of Them?” He replies, “Yes. We are The Many.” I accept this answer because I have been in communication with The Many in the past. They also go by many other names – The Protectors, Elohim, Anunnaki, The Watchers – to name a few. 

There is a conversation here but mostly without words. I have Knowing, mostly. It is just there, instantly. 

I recognize his energy. It has been with me, mostly observing, for a couple of years at least. I remember wondering if he is connected to someone I know, who I recently disconnected from. He replies, “No.” Then he says about that connection, “You know better.” I realize then that he was the guide who met me in an OBE a while ago (2018) and cautioned me about protecting my energy. I told him, “I didn’t know” in response to what happened. It felt like I was extremely vulnerable at the time I met this man and that my interactions with him interrupted something, a process, I was going through. I knew I was picking up where I left off, only maybe a step backward because previous work had to be repeated. 

This guide explains that the reason for his direct approach is because “the only way out is through.” No point in going around the issue/block. He was referring to my past connection who attempted to bypass the block, something this guide said arises from “inexperience.” Straight through with consistent “pressure” was how this guide described the correct approach. I was shown a visual of my energy body and I understood why there was a “probe” of energy inserted via my throat. It creates a kind of current, or suction, that encourages stagnant energy to move. 

As I lingered in the in-between, I could feel warm energy swirling in my root and second chakras. It created a physical ache right below my belly button that subsided after about an hour.

Later, I ask this guide for his name. Before I finish my question, I hear, “Peter.” I accept this and then laugh because I realize it is a joke as memory of the way I see him in the dream comes to mind (penis = Peter). He doesn’t laugh, but I see the connection and humor in it.

Exit 2020, Enter 2021

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Wishing you all a blessed New Year.

The featured image of this post reminds me of one of the darkest times in my life. The best description would be that I was in the midst of a Dark Night of the Soul. I wanted to give up. My guides seemingly went quiet except for one time. I wanted them to tell me what to do. I could see nothing ahead of me. All was black and depressing. There was no way out, I thought. My guide whispered, “Just put one foot in front of the other.”

Later, after following this advice, I was able to break through the darkness.

For those of you who have struggled in 2020, I wish I could say 2021 will provide the light you are seeking, but I can’t. All I can advise is what my guide once advised me. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, you will see the light again.

What will you be doing during the last week of 2020?

Trip to Montana

My family and I are about to embark on an adventure. For my children, it will be a week of many firsts. Their first time on a plane. Their first memories of snow. Their first time skiing. Their first view of the magnificent Rocky Mountains (The Bridger Mountains to be specific). Their first time visiting Montana. And probably many other firsts besides these.

For me, I will spend this last week visiting my past, or what I like to call, “My first life”. I haven’t been to Montana in winter since 1999/2000. I haven’t been to my old college stomping grounds since then either. My research revealed that a lot has changed in the town of Bozeman in the 20 years since I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree (yes, exactly 20 years!). It isn’t so tiny anymore, that’s for sure! Yet still, it would be consider tiny to most. I don’t know yet what lies ahead. Healing? Release? Expansion? Gratitude? Joy? Maybe all of the above and more – I hope.

My memories of my time there are wrought with anxiety. The snowy, ice packed, winter roads caused me much distress. As a Texan I was just not prepared for winter driving and even after four years of practice I often drove gripping the steering wheel, fighting mental images of getting stuck in a ditch without any way of contacting help. To give you an idea of just how anxious driving made me, I turned down a good job because I couldn’t confront the idea of the long commute during the winter months.

Other memories consist of my time with my ex and his family, regrets at how I treated them and how I let my anxiety and need for control destroy the very relationships that supported me during this time in my life. The entire time, I was surrounded by nature’s beauty, an awe-inspiring, breathtaking array of Mountains, foothills and wildlife. Yet I very rarely took the time to really appreciate it. The times I did allow myself to breathe in the beauty and magnificence of the place I lived are some of my most precious memories of my time there.

One memory I have that has now become my favorite was on a hunting trip to the outskirts of Yellowstone. My ex was always hunting and had the goal of killing a six point elk. He succeeded on this trip but we got caught in the mountains in the dark and were forced to spend the night. We had no tents, no supplies for camping – nothing. I remember laying in the sage on the mountainside trying to sleep but being blown away by the night sky in all its glory. The air, the smells, the sensations, all remain vivid in my memory. It was spectacular! I can STILL feel all of it as if it was yesterday.

Those are the memories I want to keep. The others, well, they are lessons learned and I hope to share the good parts with my husband and children this week. I want them to see what I often did not, to know the world is glorious and full of wonder if only we would take the time to really SEE and appreciate it.

I will certainly share photos upon our return as well as any lessons and healing experiences I may have.