Dreams, Signs and Syncs

More dreams, signs and syncs. Some interesting pushing by my guidance, I must say! Also, the exhaustion continues. I have been sleeping way more than usual (10+ hours a night) and am very tired by mid-afternoon. It is not the usual slam by the energies where I am flat-out, but is it noticeable….and welcomed.

I started this post two days ago so the first dreams are from the 22nd.

Dream: Warrant

I woke in the morning too early to rise so decided to go back to sleep. When I did I asked for help deciding what to do. I can’t seem to make up my mind about the yoga seminar this Fall. I want to go but then I hesitate to register. Back and forth. I’ve been waiting for some consistency in my feelings regarding this decision, but it has yet to arise.

I was a passenger (letting others make decisions for me) in a car driving in a big city somewhere. It felt like Houston but then all I recall are highways and the blur of lights. The man driving had dark hair and a big smile. He seemed familiar, reminding me of an old acquaintance of mine from long ago. This old acquaintance was a double Libra of foreign birth. He was being playful with me and both of us were in high spirits.

A man’s voice came up on the radio mentioning my husband’s name and the make and model of his car. They said he was wanted for something. I realized we were hearing police radio (unrest in subconscious). The man with me said, “You better warn him!” I picked up my cell phone and called my husband but the connection was spotty and he couldn’t hear me. I kept repeating, “You need to get off the highway. The police are looking for you. There’s a warrant (important decision being made) out for your arrest. Take side roads. Avoid the highway.” He finally heard me I think and the call was dropped (communication break).

Then I was in the car with my husband but the car seemed to not exist. Instead it was like we were floating in a bubble. We were looking for food and took a road leading to a cafeteria-like space with many restaurant (overwhelm) vendors. Cars were not allowed so when we drove in my husband had to back out and find a place to park. That left me inside with the other man who I had been with previously. He wanted Asian food and so we were walking around looking for some.

I stopped and spoke with a vendor. The woman told me they made various egg dishes, showing me two kinds. One was an egg souffle that had red sauce on top. It resembled a volcano. The other was an egg souffle (set course of action) that was opened up with spices inside. I told her I wanted the second one. I said, “I don’t have money. My husband is bringing it.” The woman set it aside. I could see the dish. The egg was split apart and had red spices coating the center.

Dream: Declaration of War

In this dream I was observing a royal couple. They had promised their daughter to a neighboring country. She was to wed their son. The couple was discussing this while preparing their daughter. I never saw the daughter and it seemed like she was me at times.

When the daughter was preparing to leave, the two royal (strength) couples were negotiating terms. I remember listening in while looking through a box of tampons (tension/aggression). I could see blood (emotional stress or tension) on some of them. It was like the box was a communication device. The woman on the other side of the box was the royal mother of the daughter. She and I spoke through the box, her giving me updates. There was one point when the box seemed to be full of blood. I could see blood dripping down the sides. This is when the mother told me that the other royals, specifically the mother, was acting strange and changing the terms of their contract.

Then I saw the other mother. She was tall, wearing a black and gold headpiece that reminded me of an evil character from a Disney movie (Snow White comes to mind). She gave an ultimatum, saying that she didn’t want to negotiate anymore. Her terms were simple, “Give us your country and lands or go to war (disorder or chaos).” I remember that the name of the country ruled by this evil woman was Mars. There was a sense that other “countries” were involved. Jupiter and Earth were mentioned.

Before we could respond, Mars was attacking. The scene shifted and I was on a highway (life, goals) hiding under an upturned truck (work) with a man. There was debris everywhere and shots were being fired to the point that the sky was full of explosions. None of the explosions harmed us, though. They just bounced off everything. I remember the man saying we couldn’t be hurt, that it was all for show.

Signs and Syncs

In addition to the dreams I’ve been getting some other messages. Firstly, I keep seeing frogs. In fact, when I woke up yesterday morning there was a frog picture laying by my door. Here it is:

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I ignored it initially but then while scrolling through FB I ran into multiple images of frogs posted by friends. One was an image of a tree frog with a butterfly sitting on its head!

Later, I saw the image of a frog in the tile on my bathroom floor just above the yin/yang symbol I had seen months prior. Weird!

And after that I was looking through a drawer for something and this was peeking out at me!IMG_2768

This frog drawing was done by my sister four years ago. Same kind of frog as in the other image – the red eyed tree frog.

By this time I already knew the frog was a message, so I looked up the symbolism. Turns out the frog comes around to help guide one through a life transition of some sort. The fact that two of the images I saw were red eyed tree frogs was interesting. What I have read indicates the red eyes help them see in the dark. So perhaps I am being advised to look to my intuition, uncover hidden aspects and take a closer look at something in my life?

The first image relays information about the call of the frog sounding like a baby rattle. My thought is to focus on the word “baby” here. I was recently told I was being reborn. Baby = rebirth. Connection made.

The second image was drawn by my sister when she was in prison. She often sent me drawings like this one (she is very talented). Her life has been a challenge since her release from prison. Her prison time coincided with the end of her marriage and other upheaval. When she was released she married our first cousin and they had a son together. This, as you can imagine, created family tension. However, she has found a sort of happiness with her new life, despite its challenges. So, this particular frog image could be indicating change and upheaval related to rebirth. At least that is my interpretation.

In addition to the frog message, I keep having reminders of the yoga seminar in Atlanta, Georgia. The on-again, off-again indecisiveness is bothering me. I am NOT normally so indecisive. I ask for help from my guidance. They give it. And keep giving it.

For example, in the midst of all the frog sightings I am doing this on-again, off-again crap in my mind over the yoga seminar. Out of the blue, on the tail-end of once again putting off a decision, I get a call from an unknown number. I rush downstairs to answer it but it is too late. When I check my phone I see this (but the missed call was the top one, I took the screenshot after another missed call):

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I get tons of phone spam as you can see. Most of them are from Austin (my area). It is not common to get one from another state, though it does happen. Yet from Atlanta, GA? At the exact moment I am thinking about the yoga seminar? Ha!

This is just the one reference to Atlanta that I documented, too. There have been numerous other ones. I keep shrugging them off.

The top thought I have is that all of this “coincidence” of signs is because I am thinking about the seminar. I think, “My thoughts are creating this. That’s all.” You know how when you buy a new car, all of a sudden you notice your new car is all over the place when before you swear you rarely saw it? Like that.

When I add the above dream “answer” to the symbolism and syncs it gets a bit unsettling. I can’t help but think the planets mentioned may play a part in this. Is there something going on with Mars, Jupiter and Earth this year that may create a tendency for “war”? Gawd.

More Dreams, Signs and Messages – Squirrels and Housecleaning

As time passed more dreams added to the increasing number of messages.

Squirrel Family Dream – June 23

I was next to a bed on the floor. There was a side table with something, plastic, poking out. I pulled it out and a tiny baby squirrel (hoarding or preparation for the future) came with it. It was not scared of me but wide awake and curious. It was looking for food so I gave it a tiny piece of fruit. It took it, still not afraid.

I showed the baby to others, tended to it and decided to take care of it long-term. I love squirrels and had them as a child so this is not a surprise.

Then I went back to the nest to check for other babies. When I tugged on the material from the nest a large mother squirrel came out. She was soaking wet (emotion). She saw me and turned around back to the nest. Then she came out with one of her babies in her mouth only it was fully grown. She communicated that she wanted me to take the baby with me. So, I led her to the other baby squirrel. Eventually she had brought out her whole family (preparation in regards to family future change), all the babies fully grown (maturity reached) except the one I found earlier. The mother squirrel was very grateful and thanked me telepathically for saving her and her family.

Squirrel Encounter

Yesterday (the day after the above dream), I went for a run. It was too hot and I got overheated so I rested under the shade of a tree. I heard a rustle and looked up. This is what I saw:

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Of course my dream came instantly to mind so I took this pic. The squirrel sat on that branch looking at me the entire time I rested there.

Squirrel symbolism is all about preparation for the future, family, communication and practicality. I find it no coincidence that I did not plan well for the run that sent me to the shade of that tree. I tend to not plan ahead but do things on the spur of the moment “just ’cause”. Had I been more future-oriented I would have gone on the run earlier and hydrated better. It seems like squirrel is trying to tell me, “Hey, if you plan ahead then you can avoid all-out war, emotional upheaval, etc. Think about it.” lol

I love squirrels!

Housecleaning Service Dream – June 24

In this dream I arrived at my apartment (financial or emotional state) and a woman dressed in a maid’s (dependence on others) uniform was there with her cart. Her uniform was baby blue and white. She had a partner who was at the neighbor’s apartment door about to go inside to clean it.

I greeted her and told her I had not been expecting her and to come inside. When inside I called out to my husband and children but no one answered. They weren’t home. I put my things down on the kitchen counter and went toward the back, lighting a cigarette (dependence on others, need for a break) as did so. I apologized to the maid, telling her I needed to go outside because of the cigarette. I told her it was good no one was home so they would not get in the way of cleaning. I put the cigarette out and then the butt fell to the ground. I apologized and she said, “We’ll handle it. No worries.” I still looked to make sure it was not going to start a fire.

I stayed outside as she went back in to clean (clear clutter and negativity from life, moving ahead to new stage) the apartment. In my mind I was thinking how nice it would be to have the place cleaned without lifting a finger. A nice, clean space appealed to me. I remember seeing in my mind a vacuumed floor and smiling.

The maid returned shortly after with the bill (something I have done is costing me). I looked it over and saw that they automatically charged our visa card. Upon further inspection I saw that there was a fee associated with this. $24 for a visa and the amounts went up for other cards. It was a rip-off and I asked the lady if it was possible for me to pay via check and stop the autopay service. I said, “My husband often uses the most convenient method to deal with things without looking at the fine print or considering the disadvantages. He seems to have done the same this time around. This fee is ridiculous!” She told me it would be fine to pay by check. I went inside and grabbed my checkbook out of my purse and wrote a check. I don’t recall the amount now but it was over one hundred dollars. I paused thinking it a high price but then completed the check realizing it was worth it. Note: Assuming this section is in reference to how others cannot handle things for me as well as I can and that I am willing to “pay the price” for making my own choices.

I surveyed my clean apartment. It was clean and organized. I could see the kitchen bar and the living area beyond. It was a nice place and felt like my home though in waking reality I have never seen a place like it.

I walked to the sliding glass doors and back out on the patio. I walked across a wide open patio deck (my connection with Self and nature) that was at least 40 feet across. It was elevated, at treetop level, with nice railings and there was a set of patio furniture toward the end overlooking the trees. I smiled, enjoying the spaciousness and saying aloud, “This would be the perfect place to do a yoga class! All I have to do is move the chairs.” I imagined the yoga mats spread out under the open sky and grew excited at the idea of teaching a class there. This part of the dream is full of wonder and possibility. I am elated, free and expansive.

As I turned to look behind me at the apartment I saw the apartment patio next to mine (another’s connection to Self). The same spacious patio extended from the back. In comparing mine to theirs I noticed their patio looked newer while mine had a few warped and sun damaged boards and looked older.

I turned back around, walking to the end of the deck and saw that there was a small, narrow bridge (connection made) with rails that extended off to the left. It led to a small room or house (extension of self). At first I assumed it was a storage shed but I could see a tiny kitchen and space beyond. Excited and curious to explore, I headed toward it but my dream ended before I could go inside.

Considerations

All the above dreams show my process right now. Not only does it seem like I am being prepared but I am also being told outright to “prepare”. I was even told not long ago that I had just been born and am now learning how to walk. Ha!

In the deck dream I was being shown my connection to my HS and the possibility it brings. Similar to the dream, my guidance continues to remind me of the experience I had in February and how I felt a surge of excitement about yoga – practicing and one day teaching it. I have been having dreams where I am practicing yoga even. lol In this particular dream I was very excited about teaching a yoga class outside on the deck. The apartment space was free of my husband and family, indicating a freedom from the burdens and responsibilities that go with them. I freed myself long enough to recall my excitement for yoga.

This morning a conversation ensued with my guidance about what I want. I struggle with motivation when it involves doing things that benefit or nurture myself. I am being asked to begin to do things for me, to pursue that which brings me joy and to stop waiting for others to give me permission to do so. When asked what I want I keep going back to that feeling of Divine connection and love. I want that in my life and in my partnership with another. Everything else just seems like piddling about in comparison. It is hard to find excitement about anything else.

My guidance reminded me that I have felt the excitement before, when I got my first teaching job. I was so high on life that I use to arrive at work early and leave late. I couldn’t wait to go to work. I am reminded of how afraid I was to take the steps it took to get me to that space in my life. I had to leave my marriage, the security it offered, and go it alone (OMG that was hard to do!). I had to apply for jobs and be rejected. I had to push past my fear of the unknown, my fear of failure, and use my degree as it was intended in a large high school with students who were taller and bigger than myself. In the end (and to my surprise) I connected easily with my students and found my purpose.

The lesson is that sometimes we have to step out into the unknown in order to let life show us ourselves. We can’t see it otherwise, especially if we stay in a situation out of fear, frozen and unable to move because we just don’t know what will happen. Afraid of losing what we have even though the unknown can bring us more than we could ever imagine.

For now I keep being pushed to go to the yoga seminar, to look into an internship and teach my first class. Similar to when I got my first teaching job, I will have to trust the path ahead and let it lead me to opportunity. If I never take the first step I will never know what awaits beyond the situation I am in now.

In my past I was seemingly “forced” to take the steps that led me to “freedom”. I was near suicide and it was only because a “voice” woke me and told me to go that I finally did leave. This time I am being given the chance to take steps on my own, without the “forced” feeling. In a sense it is harder because the urgency – the have to – is not there. I do not have to do anything.

There is also a part of me that prefers to lean upon another. I recognize this is not good. I need to rely upon myself. I need to find my purpose, that which brings me joy. My tendency is to take on the goals and purpose of my partner. The ideal scene is to have my own purpose and goals while being supportive of my partner’s. If I continue to put the needs/desires/goals of others over my own I will continue to feel unfulfilled and empty.

I have yet to purchase the seminar and secure my slot. The sense is that I have more lessons and inner work to do before I commit. Every day I am more certain, more clear, about what it is I am being asked to do but I cannot commit until I am 100% about the why behind my commitment. I can’t do this with any expectation attached. I have to go with an open heart and open mind, fully open to possibility.

Just going to that location will test me. I seem to have a strong pull to that general area but also I know people around there who I feel drawn to. Soul family. The last time I was in TN/GA I didn’t want to leave. It will likely happen again. I need to be prepared for the recurrence of emotion and connection that was there before. Being centered and strong in Self is the only way to navigate my way through.

No wonder I am so exhausted. 🙂

 

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Managing the Shifts

If you haven’t noticed, there is a lot going on right now energetically and it is trickling down into the physical in numerous ways. My personal experience with this shifting energy initially threw me into a mini-tail-spin but I am back on course now with a little nudging from my guidance. You can read about it here – Reminder: Mission Comes First.

The summer solstice is just around the corner. Personally, I don’t find the solstice to be a big deal and often forget about it altogether. It is the same for the equinoxes for me. Just another day in the year. However, there are some major astrological events shaking things up right now that have been coming to my attention (syncs) quite appropriately. You can read my friend Linda’s recent post to get an idea of some of the astrological events. This is also a great astrological post to reference if you’re interested –  “At present, the Sun is at 27 Gemini, making its annual opposition to the Galactic Center (27 Sagittarius). This year, Ixion (The Tyrant) conjuncts the Galactic Center, making this energy more challenging to navigate.”

A major change I noticed in myself were that I tend to not handle life’s BS as well as usual. One irritation is manageable but add anymore to that and it tends to push me over the edge. With the kids on summer break I have very little time to myself and am having to adjust to all the motion – and commotion – of three little Beings around me all.the.time. Plus, my husband was gone a full week for business the start of summer break and then again the next week for a couple of days. He also fills up his free time with projects, so it finally got to be too much for me this past weekend and I blew up in frustration over having absolutely no time to myself and feeling taken advantage of (again). With my Sagittarius moon most of the blow-up comes out of my mouth in extreme bluntness that tends to cut like a knife. After these blunt blow-ups I feel tons better and have no regrets because it needed to be said and heard.

Thankfully the intensity backed off a bit and by the end of the day yesterday I had a nice long talk with my husband that kept me up until near midnight (a rarity). It is not often that I go to bed after a talk with my husband thinking, “That was a nice”.

Despite all the energetic chaos of the past week/week-end today is calm and I even got a bit teary this morning after a chat with a fellow yogi on FB. The emotion was unexpected and connected to my current purpose/goal to get my body/mind/spirit in balance, the body being the most bent out of shape (literally). In the conversation it became clear to me that the entire left side of my body is lower (yep) than my right. Not only is it lower but it is tighter and more dysfunctional overall. Considering the left side of the body coincides with the feminine and the right to the masculine, it says a lot about me. Have I have been suppressing – holding back, beating down, tensing up in defense – the feminine and letting the masculine dominate? Probably.

Interestingly (another sync), the FB conversation came after I was once again second-guessing my intention to register for the Clubbell Yoga seminar in September. Last night during meditation and again upon waking I thought, “I keep avoiding registering for the seminar. I need to just do it.” Both times I opted to put it off until later. lol I keep back-pedaling because 1. the location puts me close to past events and people, 2. I don’t know if I can confront the energy of that particular location, 3. I am still feeling unprepared for the seminar and questioning my ability, 4. It’s scares the crap out of me all around. I keep telling myself, ” I can always do the seminar next year.” True but then should I?

I continue to be amazed at how yoga is expanding my awareness – awareness of my body but also of the connection between mind/body/spirit. Not only that but my body is responding, albeit slowly, as I re-train the muscle and joints out of dysfunctional patterns of movement into functional ones. There are moments, though, when I get frustrated because certain areas just don’t know how to relax and release never comes. I can’t even remember what it feels like to be relaxed in those areas either – that’s how long they have been tense!

But back on topic – the energy, its effects and how to manage them. There is a tendency for the Ego to rear it’s ugly head right now. For those who have gone through one or more Ego deaths this is a time to observe and manage the Ego. Keep it in check and if it gets out, pull it back in. Ask your guidance to help. All kinds of triggers will be available so just breathe through them to the best of your ability. Remember YOU (HS) are in charge.

Take time to yourself. As much as you need. Rest. Exhaustion is inevitable. I know I have been feeling it. I go from night’s of intense dreamwork to nights of exhaustion, sleeping so deeply that in the morning my dreams quickly fade from my memory.

Tune into your guidance as often as you can. They are there even though it may seem they have “abandoned” you (the Ego likes to play the victim). Ground. Be outside in nature or connect to the Earth in some way.

Breathe. When an event or a person triggers you, breathe before you react. A few breaths gives you a chance to calm yourself and let the thoughts go before they explode out of your mouth (my problem lol). If you still feel triggered then take a walk. Give yourself some space from the situation if you can. I know circumstances don’t always allow this so if you make a mistake be kind to yourself. Don’t judge yourself for being human. It happens. Ha!

Whenever possible tune into your body and your energy. How does it feel? Take note of it. Write it down even. Do this often. You will see changes and patterns. For example, when I am upset my shoulders tense, I hold my breath, I want to escape (thus the energy of my body does, too). Just learning to be aware of your body and your energy will lead to healing. Give it time. Give yourself time.

Finally, pay attention to the syncs/messages in life. Like the ones I mentioned above. Feelings and thoughts lead to interactions with others or coincidental happenings, little reminders to keep us on our path. The mind is full of booby traps. The heart isn’t.

You CAN do this!

Namaste,

Dayna

 

I Can Feel It Coming Back Again

I’ve been sensing a new energy for a few days now. It comes with a sense that something important is about to happen. This feeling manifests in odd ways. For example, yesterday I kept thinking I had forgotten to do something important but never recalled what that was. The feeling followed me for several hours. Similarly, I kept checking my phone thinking I needed to because it felt like there was an important message but there never was one.

Yesterday morning I had several dreams in a row that woke me in tears. It felt like the beginning of another surge purge but has not since returned. The dreams had something in common – they were all about my family. And, as usual, the tears really didn’t make much sense.

For a couple of weeks I’ve had a repeating dream symbol…..well two actually. The first is fishing. The second is that I catch a “fish” that is a white and glowing. The first time it happened I caught a glowing octopus. In the most recent dream I caught a puffy, toy-like, glowing, white fish and my sister caught a glowing, puffy, white dragon that was three times the size of us. The fish and dragon both resembled blown up balloons, not real-life creatures.

The recent dream reminded me of an OBE I had a while back where I caught a scary looking shark-fish with razor sharp teeth and kept wanting to throw him back. That OBE was around a difficult time in my life where I had opened a Pandora’s box and was attempting to correct the situation.

My guess is that I am handling repressed emotions. That is what fishing symbolizes – confrontation of repressed emotions. You “cast” out into the murky depths of your subconscious and bring forth a “fish” (repressed emotion) and then confront it. What the fish looks like indicates the type of emotion and issue. The gelatinous forms my fish take indicate the emotions/issues involve inability to assert myself, low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. The dragon-fish is especially interesting since dragons represent a fiery personality and strong will.

I Can Feel It

During the day I feel normal, somewhat disconnected spiritually but also tuned-in deeply to the cosmos. It is a strange sense of being very grounded while also stretching my spiritual branches high into mySelf.

I sense another embodiment phase approaching. When? It could already be here. I’m not sure but several times now I have caught myself saying it was coming. In fact, yesterday I was sad in Knowing this fact, already grieving the inevitability of loss that arises out of the ashes of the death that results. It’s a feeling of touching the face of God only to slowly fall back down to Earth and suffer the disconnect all over again. It’s hard to reconcile the experience once it passes, especially when the memory hits hard, at times making this physical existence so much more distasteful.

The balancing act is not overly difficult but it is challenging and I suspect this next “infusion of Self” will only exacerbate the difficulty. The Knowing is easy to accept in the midst of embodiment. It is the after-Knowing that is a challenge. The reaffirmation of my mission, the understanding of it at my Core, inundates everything to the point that rejecting it is impossible.

A good analogy of the process would be this: Imagine you get a cancer diagnosis. You are told you have six months to live at best and are encourage to accept your fate and come to terms with your life and impending death. The process seems unending as you face yourself, but in reality it happens in a blink of the eye. There is the grieving process, the fighting of it, the denial, the struggle against your fate. Ultimately, though, you succumb because there is nothing else you can do. The powerlessness you feel is the hardest. It is like Fate comes in and takes over. Your hands and body are no longer your own.

Of course, in this analogy the Ego is the one fighting and in denial. It is the one who feels “taken over” and “powerless”. The embodiment process does have that flavor to it – the flavor of dying, of death. It takes over and then you are no longer you. It is so fast, so streamlined, that you don’t even realize it has happened until you can no longer find your old self but instead are this new, amazing version that Knows so much and is outside of Space and Time.

I’m not afraid at all of it happening again. I look forward to it. BUT I do not look forward to coming back down and reality (this physical reality) setting in.

I hear audibly just now, “It gets easier.” I bet. I have no doubt.

A phrase from a song has been in my head this morning, thus the title of this post – I can feel it coming back again…..I can feel it.” Yeah, it’s coming….

Interestingly, this morning I had yet another clue provided via my own mouth. From upstairs I heard our dog whining to get let in, so I yelled down to my daughter, “Let Monty in.” This was what my mind sent to my mouth to say, but what came out was, “Let Monty walk-in.” Hahahaha I caught it immediately because it was like someone took over my mouth and voice and spoke for me. So odd and somewhat discombobulating but not a first for me, not at all.

 

Growing Up

Again I apologize for the long lag in posts. I just don’t feel motivated in this regard much these days. Since February my blog has become a non-priority. There are no considerations like I use to have such as – No one would notice if I don’t write. No one cares anyway.…etc. All those “poor me” thoughts desperate for some kind of acknowledgment and validation. Instead my mind is just blank and there is no desire to share like there use to be.

This shift includes a loss of desire and interest in dream interpretation for the most part as well. I do occasionally document a dream here and there but analysis is limited. I recognize that analysis of my dreams often leads me to speculation about future events. This in and of itself is not healthy for me. So, I can see the purpose behind it.

Of the dreams I do recall and take time to write down, there are themes indicating a “growing up” or maturation process is occurring. In fact, I had a string of dreams over the course of a couple of weeks where I observed the growth of my “daughter” from infancy to adulthood.

The only reason I recall the dreams about my daughter’s maturation process is that my partner in Spirit made appearances, sometimes within the dream of upon waking. Here is one example. This was from a dream in which my daughter, previously a toddler, had grown to the point of experiencing her first menses. I was washing her soiled garments when my partner approached me in the dream:

……..an older man who resembled Robert Redford came up and put his hand on my left hip. I felt our connection but ignored it all the while nervous he would instigate something more intimate and I would not be able to resist him. He was very gentle with me and kind……..Toward the end of the dream he came up behind me again and touched me gently on the shoulder. He pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me from behind, and offered me a plate full of doughnuts and danishes – all sweet foods. I did not take one. I could feel the beautiful connection we shared intensify and it woke me up.

I have not spent much time analyzing what these dreams mean overall, but I suspect that a new aspect was born from my February embodiment and is in the process of maturing. Eventually she (me) will be ready for what lies ahead. I can only speculate as to what that is.

Life is to be Lived

In the meanwhile, I have been focused primarily on living life. A Zen proverb applies here – Before enlightenment, chop wood carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water. I’m not saying I am “enlightened” by any means, but I did experience or get a taste of it in February. There is no way a person comes away from such an experience unchanged; however, life goes on.

Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. -Zen ...

For me life consists of family obligations and the usual day-to-day tasks that go with it. The main difference now is that I perform the tasks of living with an awareness that was not present before. This new awareness reminds me daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute, to apply what I have learned in each new moment – surrender and acceptance is the lesson.

During my embodiment experience surrender and acceptance came easy. I lived and breathed it in every moment. Life was so much easier, much more beautiful and flowing, during that time. I got to experience the reality of a life of acceptance and ease. It was my reality for three solid weeks.

Since then that reality has broken down somewhat. This was/is purposeful, for the human experience is not meant to be easy but to challenge us to step up and into our full potential. Life and all the illusions that goes with this reality acts as barriers to the ease and acceptance that is our true nature as Spirit. The lesson now, for me and many others like me, is to learn to bring forward into this reality our Light; to embrace the “chop wood, carry water” routine without expectation, fully surrendering to the experience and the moment, and carrying with us the Memory of who We Are so that our Light can penetrate the density of this physical reality.

Additionally, I am learning how to recognize and prevent the Ego from taking over and resuming it’s dictatorial rule over this life, body and physical experience. Just because I experienced an “Ego death” does not mean the Ego was eliminated nor does it mean that it cannot return from the dead. This requires diligence and a conscious effort on my part. The Ego has the advantage. It has been ruler for this entire life and has established itself via habits and beliefs based upon the illusion of this physical reality. Tearing it down was just the beginning. Keeping it down is the real challenge.

My method is to not use force to keep it down but to instead use love and understanding. I listen to it without becoming the effect of it. Then I talk to it and help it to understand, to Remember, and show it my perspective. So far this is working, but there have been occasional upsets along the way. It is to be expected.

Plans

Currently, the plan is to “stay the course” in regards to my life situation. This means no major changes are to be made to my life path or circumstances at present. You can imagine how difficult these instruction are for the Ego to digest. It wants to know “how long?” and “then what?” It’s reaction is very similar to that of a two-year-old child and as such loving reminders need to be provided at consistent intervals in order to stave off tantrums.

At present the main objective on a personal level is, as I mentioned previously, live life with acceptance and ease. Personally, the focus has been on healing and balance of the physical body. Many lessons involved here, but the main ones are how to listen to the body and how to maintain it and avoid break downs. Similar to a car, we humans tend to use up our bodies until they break down and force us to listen and perform necessary maintenance. When young, it is easy to ignore the body’s cues to us because the signals it sends are rarely intensely painful or alarming. They are there, but overlooked as “growing pains” or some lesser condition.

If you are like me, then you just push past those minor body complaints. Most young people do this and, as there are no major complications to follow, continue to do so until such complications present themselves. This, I am learning, is a big no-no.

How am I learning this? Well, mostly I seem to have become hyper-aware of all sorts of body complaints that I was not aware of before. They were always present but I ignored them. I had become so use to ignoring my body that I didn’t even notice them. But now I am so much more in-tune with my body that I am noticing all kinds of things that are in need of repair. Nothing major, thankfully, but they could easily turn into much more complicated issues without proper rest and healing.

The main method of repairing my body for me continues to be yoga. The Ego and I have lots of arguments about it, though. “Yoga is boring” is the primary complaint. lol This is very true in comparison with all the high intensity exercise routines (running, weight lifting, HIIT, boot camp) that are my normal go-to stress relief. Yet I know deep down these high-intensity workouts are taking a toll on my body and are not conducive to a pain-free, healthy and functional body in the future. The message I received in February and continue to receive (Remember) is that less is more in regards to high-intensity exercise. My tendency is the opposite and my goal is to slowly work my way toward a more balanced fitness routine incorporating more yoga and mobility training while slowly eliminating high-intensity exercises.

What yoga does is force you to feel and listen to your body. It is very mentally and physically challenging in it’s own right. I attribute my new hyper-sensitivity to my body to all the yoga I have been doing. My HS and inner Knowing is saying, “More yoga please.” It is leading me toward certification but my Ego has a lot of fear regarding this path despite knowing it will lead to a much more balanced, healthy and happy life.

In February, I was excited about yoga and accepted the path toward certification without hesitation. Since then the Ego has worked hard to diverge from that path. Yet the messages still get through. For example, this week alone I had several messages all pointing to the certification path. There is a certification workshop in Atlanta, GA in September I figured I could go to and then visit my friends in TN. But it kept being put off and was all but forgotten until this week. Out of the blue a reminder came to mind. “Don’t forget,” it said. All kinds of reasons and excuses came to mind. So no decision was made.

A week passed.

Then, when running a 5K race, I met a guy who just kept talking to me and being friendly. He looked like a young Ewan McGregor. Really. lol Anyway, he talked to me before the race and then again at the end of the race. Turns out he won the 5K. 1st place. After some talking I discovered he was visiting Austin from Nashville. I thought it odd but ignored the “coincidence”.

Later in the day I went for a walk and parked right across the street from my house was a car with Georgia plates. It is still parked there. lol

All the while my SIL and BIL were visiting family in Dalton and Atlanta, GA and sending us photos of their road trip.

Eventually I was like, “Okay, what gives?” lol

Since then my guidance continues to nudge me toward attending the workshop, but I keep contacting an (illogical) fear of this path. So, we compromised by purchasing a yoga video package that will prep me for the workshop should I opt to go. I have until July to decide.

In the meanwhile, I opted to do the first video in the package I bought. It was a grounding flow that lasted over an hour. When I finished I felt….different. It is hard to say how really but my body felt lighter and more limber. My energy was light but grounded. It felt really good.

Finally, I want to share a vision that continues to visit me in regards to this whole yoga path. It is really more of a feeling and sense than a visual, but I do get visual flashes here and there. The feeling is flowing and calm, without stress or anxiety. I feel centered and solid in this body and life. Purpose is present as well. Work isn’t “work” anymore. It is enjoyable and part of my daily, healthy regime that balances mind, body and Spirit. The visuals are mostly colors – muted blue, indigo and pink like stained glass. There is also a sense of belonging and a group of friends who are like family.

Of course, the Ego can’t accept any of this vision as a possibility. Stress and worry are her reality. Take that away and replace it with ease and acceptance and it scares her. She is left grappling for anything familiar to hold onto. So we ease into change, show her that it isn’t scary and IS possible.

Spiritual Retreat and OBEs

I recently went on a three day personal retreat to a nearby lake where I got some much needed me time. My package included a private room overlooking the lake, all meals, and two massage sessions.

My favorite part of the retreat was my morning yoga on the lake. It was so peaceful and relaxing.

The retreat property had trails that led to a place called Medicine Rock. It was blessed by a Native American Medicine Woman.

I even did some fishing while I was there. Sadly, the rod and reel I borrowed from my FIL must have been old and the string brittle. I caught a good sized black bass after my third cast but as I pulled it up onto shore the line snapped and it flopped back into the water. Later, when I cast, part of the reel flew off into the lake. LOL No more fishing for me, I guess.

It was fun. I hadn’t caught a bass in a long time and had forgotten just how hard they strike. I think my heart was pounding for 10 minutes after. The fish were so active I could see them chasing my lure to the shore sometimes. So, really bummed that I had to quit so soon. Super fun, though! Gotta do that again soon.

On the day I departed (same day as the fish that got away incident), I was blessed by a butterfly encounter. Twice. One before I went fishing and again while I was fishing. I took some photos and a video of one in particular. It was a large Tiger Swallowtail, about the size of my hand. He was nice enough to let me take several photos and a video. At the end of the video he actually flew into my phone camera and in my face. I could feel the wind from his beating wings. So beautiful!

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Tiger Swallowtail on Texas Mountain Laurel blooms.

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OBEs

I had an OBE the morning I departed for my retreat. It was short and I only recall leaving my body and then being pulled back in quickly after. Then this morning I had a string of OBEs one after the other. There were so many I forgot most of them.

The first one began as a lucid dream. I remember walking into a store and seeing cars lined up outside, one was a VW van. I went inside and stood in line and soon realized I was butt naked. I got into the elevator to go to another floor to find clothing. I went to the 6th floor and inside I tripped an alarm and so got back into the elevator and selected the 5th floor but there were only two floors to choose from – 5 & 6. Eventually I looked up and saw a meeting taking place behind a pane of glass. I recognized the people inside and could hear them talking. There were adults and children and the light was bright and warm. They encouraged me to come to the meeting and told me how, instructing me to “leave it (my body)” and “come through”. So I went OOB and crossed into and through the pane of glass. On the other side it was dark, not light, and no one was around. I called for them but no one answered. It was like I went into a lower vibratory field and not the one I had seen. I felt an energy reach for me as I pulled back into my body. The vibrations were high and I immediately went back OOB.

The most memorable were the last OBEs when I decided to stop trying to control them and allowed myself to follow where they led. I saw a picture and went into it and found myself flying above a beautiful city on islands of land with trees that connected the islands with their branches. Water was beneath the cities but far below and I soon realized the islands were floating hundreds of feet above the water. I remember recognizing the place, knowing it’s name (can’t remember now) and thinking, “I’m home!” I began to sing loudly a song from The Sound of Music – “Doe a deer a female deer….”.  I flew all over as I sang but kept singing one line wrong – the Fa line. I would sing, “Mi a name I call myself, Sol a long long way to run…” lol I knew I was singing it wrong while OOB but didn’t care.

I came back to my body briefly and then went outside a “window” to a red cable that linked trees and began to balance on the cable as I sang. This time I was singing a song about my life and how grand it was, how important it was to be patient and accept the concept of time while in this body and the importance of being joyful. The words were coming from a space deep inside me and flowing out of my mouth without me having to think of them first. Every word brought me pure joy. I was filled with acceptance and a warmth that is indescribable. I could feel just how tiny my human aspect is compared to the Whole that I AM.

I flew/balanced along the cable as I sang and noticed how the trees were a living network comparable to our telephone lines, linking the cities. Their branches stretched out and twisted far across the water. Soon I was walking along them as if they were roads to other worlds. At one point I flew up high over the island city below but never made it down to explore it. It was as if it were off-limits. I was pulled back to my body by my husband saying, “I made you a Greek omelet for breakfast.” LOL

Hints of Something to Come

After a little over 24 hours of feeling like I was finally getting over my cold and intestinal problems, I was hit in the middle of the night with a resurgence of intestinal issues. They continue with less severity this morning as I hack and cough up the last remnants of the cold I had.

On top of it all my acne seems to be returning. Same spots, same weird, tiny bumps that don’t go away. I realized this morning that the acne spots first started after I moved to this house/location and I have been sick much more frequently than any other time in my life. Makes me wonder if there is something here, something in the water or the house itself (physical, emotional, spiritual) that is triggering these physical reactions in me. It is, by the way, a #11 address. hmmmm

Hints of Something to Come

I had some odd occurrences yesterday that I should mention before I go into my dream last night.

First off, two days ago while running errands I once again had one of those near-panic attacks, well more than one. This time, however, I recognized something – well some things. The panic attack episodes started after the heart connection in 2015 and escalated to the point of making me feel almost incapable of going out of the house. When I have them it is as if a switch is flipped and I become overly aware of my surroundings, like waaaay too open and overstimulated. It seems like part of me arrives or awakens in this body unexpectedly. I feel her arrive. Then I hear/feel that part of myself begin to worry and panic similar to waking up in a bad dream and not knowing how she got there. At the same time a calming energy seems to descend and I hear/feel myself being consoled and reminded it will pass. Then the anxiety passes and I return to a normal feeling as that other part seems to leave. It is so weird! But now it happens so frequently that I am use to it and even though the anxiety still comes on it never lasts or sets in fully. I never know when it will happen, just that it will happen when not inside my home.

I wonder, who is it that is panicking? Is it even me like I assume? Or someone else or some other aspect? Is this part of the soul exchange process somehow?

Then, two nights ago as I was watching Netflix (Shannara Chronicles this time) out of the blue I could feel the feelings of my Companion wash over me. I could feel his love and admiration for me and began to giggle out loud as I was embraced by his energy. As energy spread over me, I looked down at my body and felt an overwhelming attraction to myself, as if I were in love with my body, with everything that I AM. There came with this a sense of playfulness and joy. I felt like a child in a sense but also extremely attracted to myself in a sexual and romantic way. The playfulness was the strongest and I ignored my show, closing my eyes and surrendering to the feeling. My whole body was tingling and blissed-out and remained that way for some time.

The overwhelming attraction and love for myself was so unusual for me and I thought to my Companion, “I am feeling what you feel for me.” He said to me, “I am YOU.” In hearing him say this I knew he was right and what I was feeling were my true feelings for myself and all that I AM. I can’t explain it any other way because, as is the norm, words just aren’t enough. I felt for myself a twin flame/heart connection kind of magnetic attraction and did not reject it but fully surrendered and accepted it. There is nothing in this physical world more beautiful and …… I AM.

I managed to fall asleep with few dreams. The dreams I did have are similar to the one below, indicating an internal separation in process. It is hard to explain but I actually built a fence between myself and my “sister” in one dream and in another I was taking care of baby peacocks (birth, new growth), keeping them from being eaten by cats. In another I was with my “crazy” sister. I spent a long time consoling her. She felt everyone was abandoning her, she was all alone, unloved and had no friends. She was highly self-destructive and deteriorating quickly.

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When I woke there was no lingering in the in-between. I was wide awake and thinking of my dreams. There was a peculiar feeling I couldn’t identify. Out of the blue and barely noticeable there came a vision in front of my eyes. A very small word outlined in a glowing white box: Congratulations. This caught me off guard because I was not in the in-between. I wondered, “Congratulations for what?” I heard back, “You have surpassed hurdles unseen.” Not able to identify these “hurdles” I went back to thinking of my dreams. Then I heard, “We have something to show you.” I thought, “Okay” and then went back to thinking of my dreams. lol

Another vision came to me then. I saw a pile of stuffed toys, all of which were action heroes – superman, batman, spiderman, etc. It was odd and I wondered about it. Then the Coldplay song came to mind, “I’m not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts…..I want something just like this.” I laughed aloud at this but recognized my subconscious created it. It wasn’t a message from some “guide” but from ME.

Again, though, I heard a message, almost indistinguishable, come through like a conversation I was having. I heard, “Tomorrow” and then after a couple of minutes, “Some of the benefits and securities will be refined.” Considering how odd the message was, I figured it was time to get up and face the day.

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Dream: Get Out!

This dream began with me being in a hurry to get somewhere but not really worrying about being late. I kept telling myself, “No need to rush. You’ll get there when you get there” which is how I have been handling lateness in my waking life for sometime now.

I went into the bathroom and prepared to take a shower. What is odd here is that I had with me all my personal toiletries in a bag despite there being an entire set already in the bathroom. Both sets felt like mine but when I saw the set in the bathroom I dismissed it knowing my set was better suited to me. I took my shampoo (new image/self) and toiletries and replaced the other toiletries (old image/self) one by one.

I vaguely remember taking a shower (spiritual renewal and forgiveness) and feeling each distinct stream of water hit my face and body. It was a refreshing, calming feeling – a familiar feeling. In the background I could hear voices speaking to me like distant memories or echoes. They were asking me questions in a disapproving tone and judging me for my actions and decisions. It felt like these people were my physical family – mother and husband specifically. I ignored the voices, though, and focused on the warmth and comfort of the water.

Then I was inside a house selecting clothing (public self) to wear. The entire time my mother (mother aspect) seemed to be shadowing me, asking me questions and judging my actions in a passive-aggressive way. She kept suggesting this or that but never directly saying she disapproved. The main thing I remember her saying is that I would be late if I didn’t hurry. Again, I ignored her, focusing instead on the clothing I would wear. I couldn’t find what I needed, though.

I left the house I was in and headed to an apartment. The apartment was very nice (life improvement), nicer than any apartment I have ever lived in. Two bodyguard-looking men (feeling insecure or unsure about life) met me there. They wore all black and had ear pieces in. One handed me a cell phone and said, “Looks like he’s following through.” I read what was on the screen and said, “Yeah.” The screen had a legal letter and I remember it said “petition” and “claimant” on it and that my husband was accusing me of being “homosexual” (self-love, self-acceptance) as a reason for divorce. There was a feeling of finality here as well as Knowing of what was to come. The sense was of my entire life crashing down on me but I was in total acceptance.

The bodyguards also mentioned to me that I was behind on my assignments. I acknowledged them and then rushed to the closet to look for a shirt. My mother intercepted me though and began to make ultimatums to get my attention. Her main upset was that I was behind on my assignments and would ultimately “fail”. She told me she couldn’t accept my behavior anymore and insisted that it was time for me to “get out”.

I went into a huge walk-in (may indicate soul exchange) closet (unveiling of previously hidden aspects). I looked through the clothes but couldn’t find what I was looking for. There were many long, sleeveless dresses (feminine), some dress shirts and a bunch of trousers. The shirt I had put on was long-sleeved (protection from adversaries) and too hot (heated emotions) but all the clothes in the closet were also too warm for the weather. Eventually I opted for a wrinkled (wisdom, learning from past), indigo (spirituality), short-sleeved (freedom) blouse noting that it was too dressy for the pants I was wearing. I put it on not caring how I appeared and left.

On my way out I heard my mom yell angrily, “Get out and don’t ever come back.” I knew she meant what she said but felt I had to do what I was doing regardless of what she thought. There was a Knowing I didn’t belong there anyway.

Then I received notice from my teacher that I was failing her math class (lessons in logic), the last class before I received my degree. The class end date was in 4 weeks but on the calendar in my mind I saw the month of July which is much further off than 4 weeks. I was told that I would have to score a 103 on the final to pass the class. I knew this was impossible. The most I could possibly score was a 98 and even that was unlikely. I remember sitting at a picnic table (unity and togetherness) in a park (period of readjustment after serious personal conflict) telling a man that it was okay if I didn’t get my degree. I already had a Master’s degree and so another one wouldn’t make much of a difference. The man said to me, “But you are only one class away from finishing. If you stop now you will have to start all over again.” I didn’t care.

Reflection

I woke up in an alarmed state thinking, “Oh shit.” It seemed like the dream was about going over choices/decisions and the aftermath that would result. I was so self-assured in the dream, easily ignoring all the “voices” of disapproval and judgment. The decisions I made in the dream involved very out of character things for my personality. It felt like a complete disconnect from the important people in my life. The disapproval of my mom was the main “voice” of disapproval I heard though other family members (sisters mostly) were audible as well. If my mom were to issue an ultimatum like that it would devastate me – or would it? Even as I type this I am feel able to accept her doing something like that. Huh?

After waking and while getting my kids off to school, I was wondering, “Okay. It’s tomorrow but nothing happened.” Not long after that I realized a song was going through my mind over and over, “I gotta feeling, that tonight’s gonna be a good night. Tonight’s gonna be a good, good night…..” 🙂 I’ve been feeling like dancing all morning. lol

 

 

 

Recovery Needed

The purging continues. It feels like the moon has been full all month! Waving my white flag over here.

Yesterday I was led to read some older posts in this blog, some from last Fall, some from this month. It occurred to me that this particular purging cycle was pointed out to me in September last year. I mention “Capricorn” both in a lucid dream and toward the end of the post.

…..when I awoke I recalled seeing stars in the sky, as if being shown astrology and the time of the year when Capricorn rules. I also recall saying something in astrological terminology to the man. The term I used was “aspect” but I can’t make sense of what I said. All I recall is that I said some aspect would affect me and it is related to Capricorn.

Then there was the goat reference brought up recently which has been following me around since 2013. I had been looking at my Twitter analytics, checking out my top posts, and was focusing primarily on those posts. I found a recent OBE where I assumed a goat was running toward me but it was two dogs. These reference go all the way back to last summer. Love how my dreams reveal future events, I just wish I was able to recognize all the message at the time they are given. So frustrating! But then, even if I knew, would I be able to do anything about it? No.

So goats, Capricorn, hmmm maybe there is a connection? The experiences in the post I quoted above was intense. I appeared to be planning my own physical death. What is interesting is that yesterday, when I re-read it I had been thinking of all the recent physical issues I’ve been having and thought to myself, “Maybe this is it? Maybe I am dying?” It sure felt like it.

Dream: Blankets

I don’t remember many of my dreams but the last is vivid in my mind. The dream began with me being oriented to a new job. It was in an education setting but I was not a teacher. I seemed to be assisting with various tasks, things I didn’t want to do. The lady I was assisting gave tests to children. They were simple tests where the child looked at card and gave the name of what was on it. The cards had pictures of various vegetables on them, specifically zucchini squash. I saw the results of some of the students’ tests. One in particular had a very low score while another had a very high one.

My job was to prepare the cards. I walked toward an area of the office with a huge Rolodex full of cards inserted in plastic sleeves. Somehow the Rolodex hit a cabinet and the cards scattered all over the floor. I got upset and overwhelmed and so just left the mess for someone else to clean up. I didn’t get in trouble for doing this.

While working at my desk I saw my file along with some others in manila folders. I noticed that it had my previous job title written next to my name. It said, “Secretary”. I knew my current position was not secretary (need to ask for help) and that when I was rehired I had to take a lower position. It wasn’t a punishment just a condition of my employment.

Then I was as if a blank screen came down on the current scene and when it was lifted I was elsewhere. This time I was in a living area with family. It felt safe and comfortable. The lights were off except for the television screen which was about to play a movie. My ex-BIL was there visiting. I sat on the sofa bed but then had to move to avoid the blanket (security, love, protection, warmth) he was about to put on it. I mentioned the blanket and he said he always brought a blanket so that he would be more comfortable wherever he stayed. I remember feeling so much love for him. A beautiful feeling of safety, warmth and love spread over me as if I were snuggled in the blankets he had laid on the sofa. Memories of when he was in my life, married to my sister, and all the good times we had together came flooding into my mind. He was always so pleasant and accommodating. Never once complaining of my presence or making me feel unwanted in their house. He was/is a good man.

There were thoughts then about how I missed him and those times in my life. I began to grieve and tears poured out of my eyes. I remember feeling an abundance of feelings and having two different sets of thoughts. One grieved for the past another was grieving for the loss of my security blanket – the love, friendship, safety and Divine connection of Home.

Understanding

When I woke up I was still crying. The only reason I stopped crying was because my nose was so stuffed up I couldn’t breathe. There were two distinctly separate feelings of loss. As I consider the feelings, which are still very real to me, my mind is blown. It is so clear to me what I experienced/witnessed that I am not sure if I should be happy and relieved or freaked out.

While laying there considering my dream experience and the grief I felt, my guidance was nearby. I shifted in and out of the in-between as we talked. Much of our conversation is lost to me now which saddens me because I had some really cool messages/realizations during that time. One I only half remember. In it I was placing a stamp on a letter to mail and said aloud, “This is my last stamp”. Then I recognized what the stamp represented and told my guide. I was like a child in class who just understood the lesson and proudly states their understanding to their teacher. I said, “I created that visual and the stamp represents _________! I did it!” My guide said back, “Yes you did. Very well done.” lol

I remember asking my guidance for help. The tears, the intense dreamtime work and my life feeling so very wrong lately is starting to get to me. Everything feels so absolutely wrong!

The number 54 was another vision I received. You can read what it means. I don’t have the energy to write it out right now.

Recovery Needed

The physical symptoms are beginning to take their toll. I weighed 128lbs when the sickness began and this morning weighed 124lbs . I look like a skinny, sickly, bony anorexic! The intestinal issues are better but still there. It is like my body can’t tolerate anything I eat, no matter how healthy or wholesome. I don’t know what to do except stop eating most every food I have been eating. But I have to eat something!

This morning I thought, “There needs to be a place where people like me can go to recover. Like maybe an ascension recovery center or a Kundalini recovery center….. Just a spiritual recovery center.” In my mind I was thinking of what it would be like – a place where someone could go to heal and process for as long as it took. There would be no expectations, no specific schedules, just a quiet, safe place with provided meals, individual rooms and tons of nature and space. Like a retreat but specifically focused on those struggling with what I am…whatever that is. There would be support given, but what kind I am unsure.

I asked my guidance for insight, whatever they could give. My guidance said, “Acceleration” which I understood as, “Your path is accelerating.” I was like, “Huh? WTF! Why!?” The response was that I had agreed to it. Ugh! I would do that, wouldn’t I!

I couldn’t go back to sleep. It was 5am and I was wide awake. This is day…IDK but it’s been going on a while. I hate morning “briefings”. I want to sleep!

As I lay there I began to think about the spiritual recovery center I feel I need right now. Long ago, during my first awakening, I had a business concept, a plan, that never came to fruition. The name of the business was, “Azna Spiritual Salon”. The concept was a place where all spiritual services were accessible, like a beauty salon but catering to spiritual needs. “Azna” means “Balance” but I can’t remember in what language now. I will have to go look through my journals from that time period.

This morning I was thinking, “I could create a spiritual recovery center focused on what I am going through right now. There will be more going through this and they will need a place to go to recover. Somewhere safe and quiet.” But my thoughts went to, “What am I going through exactly? And how the hell can I help others if I can’t help myself? I don’t have any idea what to do to fix myself! Until I do, I can’t help anyone else.”

I received information recently (when I can’t recall) that soon, in the near future, there would be a big wave of people going through what I am. They will need help. It feels like part of my job is to determine what that help looks like. To create a program for recovery. Hahaha It seems so absurd to me because if I knew how to help I would be helping myself right now.

What I do know is that I need to find a place to recover. Whatever is happening to me requires this. So if you know anyone who is willing to take me in for a month or so, someone who lives in the country or near lots of natural beauty, I would love to find a place I can retreat to and get myself sorted out. I know I need to just be for a while, and not just a day or two. I need a long while. So wherever I go, whomever helps me, needs to understand that I won’t be able to help out other than to to pay for my food and lodging. The energy must be high and the people high energy as well – empathic like me and understanding.

I laugh aloud to think any place like this even exists. I am not a rich person, in fact I have little money of my own, so not sure how I will repay someone for their hospitality. I will just leave it to the Universe to sort out I guess.

This song was repeating through my mind again, specifically, “Don’t know what I’m gonna do about this feeling inside. Yes it’s true – loneliness took me for a ride….”