Wow. Busy night. And the first thing I saw this morning was this article about the new moon in Sagittarius being conjunct the Galactic Center. Apparently Saturn has been in a 2.5 year cycle that is coming to an end. Just so happens that my spiritual journey has been incredibly intense over the last 2.5 years. Yeah, yeah, I know have been commenting that I don’t believe spiritual this and that (astrology for one) is contributing to my experiences. Well, I will suck it up and say that I typically pay attention to astrology regardless of how grumpy I am about my current situation.
My night was an endless stream of dreams delving into some deep shit. I woke more than once in tears. One time I was sobbing to the point of heaving and I couldn’t breathe.
Dream: Keeping Myself Prisoner
This was the first dream of the night and I only recall the very last parts of it. It took place on a boat/ship and I recall walking on board the ship across a bridge-type structure. I was with another woman and my husband, the latter I never saw. The ship must have been a cruise ship or similar because we had a cabin. I took the woman to a cabin. She was very distraught and pleading with me as I locked her inside. She was telling me, “Don’t lock me in here! I can’t live apart from him (my husband)! Please! I beg you! It WILL KILL ME!” I ignored her pleas telling her that I knew very well how much she and my husband loved one another and I was going to make sure he never, ever saw her again. I then walked away. I could hear her cries as I woke from the dream.
The thing is that while in the dream I could feel this woman’s pain as if it were my own but I was cold and unfeeling toward her and her plight. I saw her as a hindrance to me. The feeling of heartache, as if the separation would literally kill me, was the strongest. It was an all-over-body feeling that cut to the core of me. Yet somehow I blocked it and hardened myself to her. The whole time I knew this woman was a part of me, a part I saw as weak and easily manipulated/controlled because of her emotional vulnerability. I envied her connection to my husband and because I did not understand it and could not have it for myself I kept them apart.
Dream: Preparing for an Event
This dream took up most of the night. It began with me borrowing a car to run an errand. I was in an unfamiliar town and the car was very big and souped up. As I drove the car would shift up and down as if it were dancing. It was embarrassing to me but I continued toward the lake which was my destination.
When I arrived there were children (repressed desires/unfulfilled hopes) there who were begging me to give them money (success, progress) for their services. It reminded me of when I visited Honduras. I ignored the kids and went toward the lake and found the water completely covered in green algae (need to keep emotion out of some matter). I could not see below it’s surface (something hidden). As I went to leave I noticed a small area with many strange fish. I was going to catch some in a net to look closer but one jumped out at me. It looked like a catfish (someone who may not be who they appear to be) with a very tiny mouth. It repulsed me and I fell. As I scrambled to get up a large German Shepherd came at me growling and intending me harm (need to put my guard back up). I scrambled away quickly and was asked again by a kid for money. I reached into my pocket and found a chunk of wet dollar bills (attitude toward love and emotion) and handed them to him. He said they would not do because they had been ruined by the water (emotion).
Then I was inside my apartment and my brother was visiting. There were other woman with me. We were all friends. My brother was helping us and being very nice, offering to do things for us. At one point I discovered he liked a girl but wouldn’t call her so I offered to call her for him. He refused and became very withdrawn. I wondered how he could be so helpful but not accept any help from others. I decided not to help him and went to my bedroom. Inside I saw that someone else had been sleeping in the room. It appeared to be my dad because his stuff was near the bed. I saw ear plugs and figured he must have trouble sleeping like me. I also saw important papers and was curious so I looked through his things wanting to know more about him. It appeared he traveled quite a bit.
Then a woman came in with some things telling me she was there to help me get ready. She had a petticoat (modesty/conservative) and a dress for me to wear to some event. My dad would be there. I remember putting on a petticoat and corset (want to please others) and thinking the dress must be very fancy and the event an important one. I never did figure out what the event was but I kept thinking about my dad and how much I missed him.
Dream: I’ll Be Home for Christmas
I was part of a small church (things one holds sacred). We were going to sing for a church in need, one on the other side of town. I took the car and drove to the church. I had with me some children (aspect of self) and everyone had gotten the stomach flu and was struggling with awful diarrhea (emotional purging). I had the sick ones stay in the car and then went inside to sing with the choir.
I got in my place up front and began to sing with the group. I recognized some of the members – my mom and uncle to name two. We were singing, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”. I didn’t remember the words but sang what I remembered. I sang the whole song and noticed others didn’t remember the words at certain times.
When the song was over I mentioned the quiet parts to my mom. She said it was because there wasn’t a good soprano to take the lead (which is usually what I do). Then she said that if her brother had been there he would have led them.
As soon as she said that my uncle came up to us both and apologized for something he had done earlier. He had forbidden the sick kids in my car from coming into the church. He told us he was wrong and hugged my mom. I was relieved and proud of him for admitting his wrong. As we walked out of the church I went up to my uncle and hugged him. I told him, “I wish Grandaddy was here. I miss him!” He said, “Me, too.” He hugged me back and I clung to him and began to sob uncontrollably. I missed my grandfather so much and I couldn’t control my grief. I cried in the dream for a long time before I finally woke up.
I continued to cry for a while after I woke. I mostly missed my grandfather but there was more to it. I saw family patterns that are still playing out. I remembered how before my grandfather died he and his son, my uncle, had been at odds and had a strained relationship. My uncle had made amends toward the end of my grandfather’s life. He visited and did much for both his parents before they died. I kept hearing in my mind, “You did good” and I knew this was a message to my uncle. I may send him an email about my dream and pass on the message.
Dream: Family Therapy
In this dream I had been asleep in my apartment and woke up very drowsy. The clock said it was 2:30 and I knew it was mid-afternoon. How I had slept so much I didn’t know but I must have needed it.
I wandered into the neighbor’s apartment. He was a single, middle aged man. He asked me if I could help him figure out why his sugar (pleasures being denied) was missing. We talked about possible reasons from rats in his kitchen to him letting someone borrow some sugar. Then we walked into his living area. I remember that I have never been there before and mentioned how nice his place was. The whole time I was feeling tired, like I had slept way too long and could not fully wake up.
Then I was at a family meeting. Everyone in my family was sitting at a long table. At the head of the table was a therapist (seeking support). We were there to sort out our problems with one another, to listen without judgement and to get our chance to say what was on our minds. I remember sitting toward the end and feeling out of it, still tired.
The feeling in the room was tense. It seemed like everyone was afraid to say how they really felt. I don’t recall anyone saying anything and then a break being called. During the break I spoke to the counselor telling her that I thought if just one of us spoke up that it would break the ice and more would be accomplished. She told me she was just there to facilitate; she would not try and get anyone to talk. I told her about the church dream and how I thought I should tell my uncle about it. She seemed to think it would be a good idea but refused to say more. She was to leave soon and a new counselor would come in and help.
As we sat back down, I sat next to my sister and BIL (cousin). My cousin was closest to me. He looked like he did when he was 19. I told him he looked good. He barely acknowledged me. I remember that there was strain between my cousin and his dad (my uncle). It was the same kind of strain that my uncle had had with his own father (my grandfather). I saw the cycle repeating and wondered if they did, too. I began to speak out, asking them if they saw what I saw and trying to get them to do something about it. All I wanted was for them to ask themselves these questions: When you die, what will you remember from your life? Will you remember all the wrongs done to you? All the grudges you held? All the things others did to keep you from getting this or that in life? Or will you remember how you treated others? How you showed love and shared love with those around you?
I have been in the process of writing this post all day (it is 2pm now). My motivation to finish it is low but I know there is a reason for all the emotional dreams last night. At first I thought it meant I needed to email my mom, uncle and sister but now I’m not so sure. It seems that I must focus on my immediate situation and make changes there first before I move on and reach out to others.
The questions I had in my mind about life and what one would care about upon death are what linger even now. This is not the first time I have had questions like these come up.
The song, I’ll Be Home for Christmas was repeating in my head for a while. I believe there is a message in it. For the last two years straight I have had significant spiritual experiences/breakthroughs in the month of December. It may even have been three now that I think of it but specifically the last two have been doozies. When I looked up the lyrics to the song I found very few but in the dream I sang at least three full verses and none of the verses were familiar but seemed to focus on life itself and family values.
The specific part of the song that stuck out was “if only in my dreams”. It seemed like I was being told I would go Home in my dreams or that there would be…..wait for it…LOL…..a family (Spirit) reUnion. Ha! Okay if you don’t get my humor here then go and look at December, 2015’s posts from this blog.
Two years of the reUnion theme is enough for me so I am not getting hopeful (if anything the opposite) or preparing myself for some big bang type of spiritual breakthrough again. However, to have both father figures make an entrance (kind of) in my dreams last night make me wonder what this December has to hold. I admit I’m curious but not going to allow myself to dwell on it too much.
I loved my dad…. and my grandfather even more. To see either of them again in dreamtime would be wonderful. It has been a long time since I’ve had a visit. I think the last time I connected with my grandfather he visited me in his new visage for his current lifetime and updated me on his plans. That was not too long ago and it was eye opening. I believe that my middle son is my dad so he is around me all the time. 🙂
A quick update on others things. My acne issue is almost completely resolved. YAY! Happy dance! It literally took 3 days for the antibiotics to do their job. I also got a new cream – Tazorac – that is a miracle cream if you ask me. I have been on a Retin-A generic for years but my dermatologist thought it was time for a switch. She hit the bullseye. My skin went from red dots and bumps to no red dots and super, velvety smooth after just two nights of application. Frickin’ amazing! Apparently it is a psoriasis medication first and foremost but I don’t care. If it works then I am happy.
The antibiotics are not my friend, though. I hate the way they make me feel and my body wreaks of stinky antibiotic smell. Just recently I have started having mild UTI-type symptoms which doesn’t make sense since I am taking the antibiotic doctors usually prescribe to clear up UTIs! Thankfully, since they are doing such a good job, I will taper as soon as all evidence of this breakout is gone, which will be very, very soon.
The BC is still a pain in my ass, though. After continuing to experience an icky tummy after certain foods followed by too much burping I realized the higher hormones are giving me my all-time most hated pregnancy symptom – acid reflux/indigestion. UGH x 1000! Will this go away after a couple of months of use? I have no idea but I plan on sticking it out for at least two more months to see. In the meantime I get to enjoy burping for an hour or more after every meal. It could be worse, I could have full-on acid reflux, the kind that burns like hell. I don’t get that, though, just burping. lol
The BC has given me back my boobs. Not sure if that is a good thing or not but for now I will say it is good. 😀
Family-wise there is still no contact from my older sister. She speaks to my brother who then PMs me on FB. She apparently wants me to apologize to her for lying about my drug use. She says I currently smoke pot. I haven’t touched any recreational drugs since 2007 so I don’t know why she thinks I am secretly smoking weed. I can’t apologize for something I didn’t do. Sigh. So now both my sisters won’t talk to me for random, made-up reasons. Weird.
Hopefully by Christmas there will be some kind of resolution and my sister and BIL/cousin will participate in family gatherings. If not I know my mom will be very sad. Personally, I will mainly be sad for my mom because, as a mother, I know how important it is to be with/see/connect with your children. 😦 I can’t imagine being close to 70 and not seeing two of my three daughters and one of my grandchildren around the holidays. That is just not right.