Dreams, Family and Another…. ReUnion?

Wow. Busy night. And the first thing I saw this morning was this article about the new moon in Sagittarius being conjunct the Galactic Center. Apparently Saturn has been in a 2.5 year cycle that is coming to an end. Just so happens that my spiritual journey has been incredibly intense over the last 2.5 years. Yeah, yeah, I know have been commenting that I don’t believe spiritual this and that (astrology for one) is contributing to my experiences. Well, I will suck it up and say that I typically pay attention to astrology regardless of how grumpy I am about my current situation.

My night was an endless stream of dreams delving into some deep shit. I woke more than once in tears. One time I was sobbing to the point of heaving and I couldn’t breathe.

Dream: Keeping Myself Prisoner

This was the first dream of the night and I only recall the very last parts of it. It took place on a boat/ship and I recall walking on board the ship across a bridge-type structure. I was with another woman and my husband, the latter I never saw. The ship must have been a cruise ship or similar because we had a cabin. I took the woman to a cabin. She was very distraught and pleading with me as I locked her inside. She was telling me, “Don’t lock me in here! I can’t live apart from him (my husband)! Please! I beg you! It WILL KILL ME!” I ignored her pleas telling her that I knew very well how much she and my husband loved one another and I was going to make sure he never, ever saw her again. I then walked away. I could hear her cries as I woke from the dream.

The thing is that while in the dream I could feel this woman’s pain as if it were my own but I was cold and unfeeling toward her and her plight. I saw her as a hindrance to me. The feeling of heartache, as if the separation would literally kill me, was the strongest. It was an all-over-body feeling that cut to the core of me. Yet somehow I blocked it and hardened myself to her. The whole time I knew this woman was a part of me, a part I saw as weak and easily manipulated/controlled because of her emotional vulnerability. I envied her connection to my husband and because I did not understand it and could not have it for myself I kept them apart.

pondDream: Preparing for an Event

This dream took up most of the night. It began with me borrowing a car to run an errand. I was in an unfamiliar town and the car was very big and souped up. As I drove the car would shift up and down as if it were dancing. It was embarrassing to me but I continued toward the lake which was my destination.

When I arrived there were children (repressed desires/unfulfilled hopes) there who were begging me to give them money (success, progress) for their services. It reminded me of when I visited Honduras. I ignored the kids and went toward the lake and found the water completely covered in green algae (need to keep emotion out of some matter). I could not see below it’s surface (something hidden). As I went to leave I noticed a small area with many strange fish. I was going to catch some in a net to look closer but one jumped out at me. It looked like a catfish (someone who may not be who they appear to be) with a very tiny mouth. It repulsed me and I fell. As I scrambled to get up a large German Shepherd came at me growling and intending me harm (need to put my guard back up). I scrambled away quickly and was asked again by a kid for money. I reached into my pocket and found a chunk of wet dollar bills (attitude toward love and emotion) and handed them to him. He said they would not do because they had been ruined by the water (emotion).

Then I was inside my apartment and my brother was visiting. There were other woman with me. We were all friends. My brother was helping us and being very nice, offering to do things for us. At one point I discovered he liked a girl but wouldn’t call her so I offered to call her for him. He refused and became very withdrawn. I wondered how he could be so helpful but not accept any help from others. I decided not to help him and went to my bedroom. Inside I saw that someone else had been sleeping in the room. It appeared to be my dad because his stuff was near the bed. I saw ear plugs and figured he must have trouble sleeping like me. I also saw important papers and was curious so I looked through his things wanting to know more about him. It appeared he traveled quite a bit.

Then a woman came in with some things telling me she was there to help me get ready. She had a petticoat (modesty/conservative) and a dress for me to wear to some event. My dad would be there. I remember putting on a petticoat and corset (want to please others) and thinking the dress must be very fancy and the event an important one. I never did figure out what the event was but I kept thinking about my dad and how much I missed him.

Dream: I’ll Be Home for Christmas

I was part of a small church (things one holds sacred). We were going to sing for a church in need, one on the other side of town. I took the car and drove to the church. I had with me some children (aspect of self) and everyone had gotten the stomach flu and was struggling with awful diarrhea (emotional purging). I had the sick ones stay in the car and then went inside to sing with the choir.

I got in my place up front and began to sing with the group. I recognized some of the members – my mom and uncle to name two. We were singing, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”. I didn’t remember the words but sang what I remembered. I sang the whole song and noticed others didn’t remember the words at certain times.

When the song was over I mentioned the quiet parts to my mom. She said it was because there wasn’t a good soprano to take the lead (which is usually what I do). Then she said that if her brother had been there he would have led them.

As soon as she said that my uncle came up to us both and apologized for something he had done earlier. He had forbidden the sick kids in my car from coming into the church. He told us he was wrong and hugged my mom. I was relieved and proud of him for admitting his wrong. As we walked out of the church I went up to my uncle and hugged him. I told him, “I wish Grandaddy was here. I miss him!” He said, “Me, too.” He hugged me back and I clung to him and began to sob uncontrollably. I missed my grandfather so much and I couldn’t control my grief. I cried in the dream for a long time before I finally woke up.

I continued to cry for a while after I woke. I mostly missed my grandfather but there was more to it. I saw family patterns that are still playing out. I remembered how before my grandfather died he and his son, my uncle, had been at odds and had a strained relationship. My uncle had made amends toward the end of my grandfather’s life. He visited and did much for both his parents before they died. I kept hearing in my mind, “You did good” and I knew this was a message to my uncle. I may send him an email about my dream and pass on the message.

Dream: Family Therapy

In this dream I had been asleep in my apartment and woke up very drowsy. The clock said it was 2:30 and I knew it was mid-afternoon. How I had slept so much I didn’t know but I must have needed it.

I wandered into the neighbor’s apartment. He was a single, middle aged man. He asked me if I could help him figure out why his sugar (pleasures being denied) was missing. We talked about possible reasons from rats in his kitchen to him letting someone borrow some sugar. Then we walked into his living area. I remember that I have never been there before and mentioned how nice his place was. The whole time I was feeling tired, like I had slept way too long and could not fully wake up.

Then I was at a family meeting. Everyone in my family was sitting at a long table. At the head of the table was a therapist (seeking support). We were there to sort out our problems with one another, to listen without judgement and to get our chance to say what was on our minds. I remember sitting toward the end and feeling out of it, still tired.

The feeling in the room was tense. It seemed like everyone was afraid to say how they really felt. I don’t recall anyone saying anything and then a break being called. During the break I spoke to the counselor telling her that I thought if just one of us spoke up that it would break the ice and more would be accomplished. She told me she was just there to facilitate; she would not try and get anyone to talk. I told her about the church dream and how I thought I should tell my uncle about it. She seemed to think it would be a good idea but refused to say more. She was to leave soon and a new counselor would come in and help.

As we sat back down, I sat next to my sister and BIL (cousin). My cousin was  closest to me. He looked like he did when he was 19. I told him he looked good. He barely acknowledged me. I remember that there was strain between my cousin and his dad (my uncle). It was the same kind of strain that my uncle had had with his own father (my grandfather). I saw the cycle repeating and wondered if they did, too. I began to speak out, asking them if they saw what I saw and trying to get them to do something about it. All I wanted was for them to ask themselves these questions: When you die, what will you remember from your life? Will you remember all the wrongs done to you? All the grudges you held? All the things others did to keep you from getting this or that in life? Or will you remember how you treated others? How you showed love and shared love with those around you?


I have been in the process of writing this post all day (it is 2pm now). My motivation to finish it is low but I know there is a reason for all the emotional dreams last night. At first I thought it meant I needed to email my mom, uncle and sister but now I’m not so sure. It seems that I must focus on my immediate situation and make changes there first before I move on and reach out to others.

The questions I had in my mind about life and what one would care about upon death are what linger even now. This is not the first time I have had questions like these come up.

The song, I’ll Be Home for Christmas was repeating in my head for a while. I believe there is a message in it. For the last two years straight I have had significant spiritual experiences/breakthroughs in the month of December. It may even have been three now that I think of it but specifically the last two have been doozies. When I looked up the lyrics to the song I found very few but in the dream I sang at least three full verses and none of the verses were familiar but seemed to focus on life itself and family values.

The specific part of the song that stuck out was “if only in my dreams”. It seemed like I was being told I would go Home in my dreams or that there would be…..wait for it…LOL…..a family (Spirit) reUnion. Ha! Okay if you don’t get my humor here then go and look at December, 2015’s posts from this blog.

Two years of the reUnion theme is enough for me so I am not getting hopeful (if anything the opposite) or preparing myself for some big bang type of spiritual breakthrough again. However, to have both father figures make an entrance (kind of) in my dreams last night make me wonder what this December has to hold. I admit I’m curious but not going to allow myself to dwell on it too much.

I loved my dad…. and my grandfather even more. To see either of them again in dreamtime would be wonderful. It has been a long time since I’ve had a visit. I think the last time I connected with my grandfather he visited me in his new visage for his current lifetime and updated me on his plans. That was not too long ago and it was eye opening. I believe that my middle son is my dad so he is around me all the time. 🙂


A quick update on others things. My acne issue is almost completely resolved. YAY! Happy dance! It literally took 3 days for the antibiotics to do their job. I also got a new cream – Tazorac – that is a miracle cream if you ask me. I have been on a Retin-A generic for years but my dermatologist thought it was time for a switch. She hit the bullseye. My skin went from red dots and bumps to no red dots and super, velvety smooth after just two nights of application. Frickin’ amazing! Apparently it is a psoriasis medication first and foremost but I don’t care. If it works then I am happy.

The antibiotics are not my friend, though. I hate the way they make me feel and my body wreaks of stinky antibiotic smell. Just recently I have started having mild UTI-type symptoms which doesn’t make sense since I am taking the antibiotic doctors usually prescribe to clear up UTIs! Thankfully, since they are doing such a good job, I will taper as soon as all evidence of this breakout is gone, which will be very, very soon.

The BC is still a pain in my ass, though. After continuing to experience an icky tummy after certain foods followed by too much burping I realized the higher hormones are giving me my all-time most hated pregnancy symptom – acid reflux/indigestion. UGH x 1000! Will this go away after a couple of months of use? I have no idea but I plan on sticking it out for at least two more months to see. In the meantime I get to enjoy burping for an hour or more after every meal. It could be worse, I could have full-on acid reflux, the kind that burns like hell. I don’t get that, though, just burping. lol

The BC has given me back my boobs. Not sure if that is a good thing or not but for now I will say it is good. 😀

Family-wise there is still no contact from my older sister. She speaks to my brother who then PMs me on FB. She apparently wants me to apologize to her for lying about my drug use. She says I currently smoke pot. I haven’t touched any recreational drugs since 2007 so I don’t know why she thinks I am secretly smoking weed. I can’t apologize for something I didn’t do. Sigh. So now both my sisters won’t talk to me for random, made-up reasons. Weird.

Hopefully by Christmas there will be some kind of resolution and my sister and BIL/cousin will participate in family gatherings. If not I know my mom will be very sad.  Personally, I will mainly be sad for my mom because, as a mother, I know how important it is to be with/see/connect with your children. 😦 I can’t imagine being close to 70 and not seeing two of my three daughters and one of my grandchildren around the holidays. That is just not right.


Revelations and Updates

Some messages I have received recently:

From Call the Midwife season 5 episode 7:

Prayers aren’t always answered the way one would hope but they are generally answered. And the answer He gave me was this: When things change we have to find a different way. Now whenever I do up a button or a shoelace I’m reminded of the need to keep learning.

A reminder we all need from time to time.

Nothing stays the same. We don’t stay the same ourselves. And all the time the world keeps spinning faster.

Another quote that caught my attention:

But my first child and my second child both died. One in my belly and one in my arms.

I’m sorry.

Why are you sorry?

It’s just something we say in England, when someone says something bad happened.

It is in the past now. This baby’s in the future, which is why you should never be sorry, just be glad.

And still another:

Sometimes there is no map for the road we find ourselves upon. It lies ahead, uncharted, unfurling into the mist. We are all travelling through one another’s countries. But it is no matter if we meet as strangers, for we can join forces and learn to love. And where there is friendship and affection there is the place we can all call home.

These quotes/scenes and more have been inciting tears. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders; like torrents of flood waters pouring through my very Being and I can’t breathe for the ceaselessness of them. Last night I was overcome by the emotion yet again and rather than question it or judge myself for the feelings I was feeling, I just allowed them to flow because I knew it would not last long. A silent and reassuring voice from within said, “It will pass.” It always does and part of me saw the emotion and the experience of the moment as a Divine blessing. I understood that my human body and mind is not capable of holding onto it all. So, I need to give it up, to give it back to where it came from…..wherever that might be. In giving it up I am cleansed and one step closer to fully embracing the sanctity of this existence.

Amidst the emotional purging there has been clarity on so many things. Lessons are becoming obvious, gifts received finally opened. The exhaustion and apathy I’ve been feeling transforming into surrender, slowly but surely.

After several days of reflection, a thought continues to resurface: “If I had to do it over again, I would not do it again.” When asked why I would not do it again, I replied, “It destroyed me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel empty.” I heard in reply, “Now you can be filled.”

“It” here refers to what occurred in December, 2015, almost two years ago now. Basically, if I could turn back time I would turn the other way, listening to my inner silence rather than giving in to my human urgency to be loved. The connection that I felt was misunderstood and blown way out of proportion by my human self. I have concluded now that the “connection” was merely the result of a newly opened heart which revealed to me a glimpse of my True self. My human side attributed the very “new” feelings to all the wrong things and had not the experience nor knowledge with which to cope appropriately. I continue to feel ill prepared but recognize that my body/mind/spirit has to be re-taught how to handle that which is my natural state. It is very obvious that my natural state is beyond beautiful, beyond powerful, so much so that my human self struggles immensely because she is buried under layers of illusion and belief.

Another revelation….. I saw myself as the character I play in this life. She seems so boring, so nondescript, so lonely and forlorn. It occurred to me that I should step out of that Beingness and look at myself from outside myself, like I am watching a television show of my life. When I did there was just love for the experience and recognition that I chose it because I saw it as beautiful. Every “bad” feeling, low mood, negative reaction just as wonderful as every moment of laughter, excitement, love, and friendship. All moments “will pass”, it is only the clinging to one over the other that makes once experience seem fleeting while another seems to last forever.

Somehow I have to learn to reject nothing and embrace all and do so without judgment.

Spiritual Considerations

I continue to feel repelled by the online spiritual community, channeled messages and energy forecasts I use to follow prior to July this year. The repetitiveness of the messages is really bothering me. It occurred to me that nothing in the messages has really changed over the last few years. They still say the next big wave is upon us, the incoming energy will bring about transformations and huge changes, etc, etc. Then there is the abundance of people jumping on the ever-growing spiritual bandwagon. It all just bothers the hell out of me. Something is very wrong with it. Every day I stop following another person on WP. Every day I stop following another person on FB. Soon there won’t be anything left to read.

I have always been one to listen to my own self/heart first, so none of the above is really out of the ordinary for me. However, the feeling I get from most if not all of what I am reading is nearing repulsion now. I go back day after day to blogs I use to frequent and try again to read their posts but am turned off within a sentence of two. It just doesn’t flow with me anymore.

The only answer I have to the above is that I am focusing on what really matters: love, family, life. The spiritual is part of all of it. There is no need to follow some channel or some energy forecast. No need to validate my journey from without. All of it is right.here.inside.me. Some people still need to look outside themselves, some are still growing, building their foundations. So they can read or follow the blogs, channels, forecasts. There is nothing wrong with it and eventually they will come full circle, too. We all will.

Interesting little tidbit I want to add now. As if to remind me of my own need for validation there was a time last week when wherever I went I kept getting messages from the environment that said, “Walk-in”. It was ridiculous how frequent it was! I actually had a post on it and then opted to not finish it. That very day I saw this on my way to pick up my family photos:


I actually laughed out loud when I saw it, thus I had to take a picture to document it.

Then, yesterday I think it was, someone commented on my other blog, the one about walk-ins. I didn’t know how to respond. How do I feel about the subject now? I didn’t know. Ultimately, I still don’t know what to say about it. Part of me is not even sure such a thing really exists. Something obviously happened, is happening to me, but really it seems more like a mental illness – a personality break of sorts – than a spiritual phenomena. At this time the best I can come up with is that I am in a transition period and at some point in the future it will all be crystal clear. All I can say for sure right now is that I have changed, am changed and will continue to change. Change is the only constant.


Last night the Kundalini visited more than once. Consciously I accepted it and even upon waking it swirled and raged, especially around my root and crown. At one point, when the energy was feeling quite strange and almost unsettling I heard, “Stay calm.” At that moment I became more alert to the energy in my crown area. Prior to that, I had received a long, rope-like object composed of tiny threads weaving in and out in spiral fashion. I was to attach one end to my crown and the other to my root. The Kundalini was everywhere but the feeling was unlike anything I have felt before. It was almost as if the space between my root and crown was a vast void with no beginning and no end.

I could not return to the in-between and began to think of all the things I needed to do, specifically that I need to get a run in today. I heard my guidance say, “You need to rest.” It occurred to me then that my recent lack of motivation and desire to “do nothing” in terms of exercise and running was likely more than just my being “lazy”.

Updates on Physical Issues

This morning I have a headache but nothing major. My acne ailment is almost completely healed. In fact, my complexion is glowing and radiant. I will be tapering off of my antibiotics slowly over the next couple of weeks.

My body seems to be adjusting to the birth control. I don’t know if the emotion I am having is related or not. Could be, I guess. The pain in my ankles is gone but I did burst a vein on my right ankle. It is likely it was caused by the BC because higher hormones do effect vein elasticity. It could mean more vein issues in the future.

I am still having panic/anxiety but mostly when I am running. I only ran once this week because the weather has been crazy here in Texas. One day it was near 80 degrees and the next it was snowing (yeah). On that one run I almost ended up in a full-on panic attack out of the blue. These moments of panic come from feeling like I am not in my body when I run. My legs contact solid ground but instead of feeling grounded I feel the opposite, as if I will leave my body via my crown at any moment. The panic comes from my human mind immediately worrying that I will not be in control of this body. Scenarios of passing out on the sidewalk or running into traffic shift me into panic mode. I have to tell myself, “I’m okay. Everything’s fine”. But on this particular day a part of me embraced leaving my body and had no concern or worry of what might happen if I did. Once I ignored the panicking side and listened to the other my anxiety lessened and then dissipated. After that I still opted to take a route away from busy roads just in case. lol


I’ve been having disconcerting dreams about my sister lately. Her birthday is today but I am unable to communicate with her or send her a gift or card because she and her husband have purposefully withheld their address from family. The feeling is that either she is currently struggling or that more severe struggles await her and her husband. It saddens me, especially since she is mostly hurting herself by disconnecting like she is.

My family recently had family photos taken. Here are a couple of them:

Since these photos were taken I have been ever so grateful for my many blessings. At times I am overflowing with gratitude. The smallest of moments make me smile. For example, I have been reading to my youngest in the evenings. He has been requesting that I read to him nightly and brings book after book to me. Every time I read to him he snuggles up close and always either holds or strokes my arm or hand. It is the sweetest thing. I don’t think either of my other two children ever did that.


Meet Monty

The trip south of San Antonio was a long one but we got there by 7pm last night. The place was way out in the country and they had more dogs than I could count running this way and that. The mini-Aussie is so much smaller than a standard Aussie that their size caught me off guard. I almost backed out but I didn’t want to disappoint my kids. Plus we had driven 2.5 hours through traffic to get there. The father of the litter of pups was so handsome and reserved and his energy was wonderful, so much so that my middle son asked, “Can we get this one?” LOL

It took the kids a while to pick the one they wanted. I wanted the one that was too young (of course) but since this dog is not just mine I let the group decide and they opted for a very out-going, friendly one that kept jumping toward them when they came near.


The trip home only took 1.5 hours because there was no traffic so we got home before 10pm. The puppy did well considering it was his first long car ride. He only whimpered a little and the kids all three sat in the back seat with him on their lap. They are over the moon in love with him. Even now I hear them downstairs talking and playing with him. He will not be bored by our family, that is for sure!

We considered names as we drove home. My husband kept saying, “Barlow” and I had a name pop into my head – Gunther. So I joked around the whole trip that his new name would be “Gunther Barlow” – “Gunner” for short. LOL I actually liked it because it sounded like some kind of musician or celebrity name to me. hehe Plus, my ex-husband’s nickname is Gunner and I thought it suited a pet’s name (no insult intended). I have been thinking of my ex and Montana lately because I have been thinking of Trooper and the time he was alive so that is why my ex-husband’s nickname was on my mind.

The puppy spent his first night in an extra large crate, Trooper’s old one. He was not happy in it and cried of course. He started out in my daughter’s room but within 5 minutes she was begging me to take him out because he was too loud. So I took him downstairs in the spot we created for him in the laundry room that’s connected to our kitchen. He spent the night in there and we couldn’t hear his cries. I know he stopped crying within 30 minutes though because I could not sleep again. I was up until 1:30am this time. 😦

This morning when I woke up I was thinking of the little puppy and wondering about a name. I thought, “Montana on my Mind” and then knew his name – Monty. When I went downstairs the entire family was at the park with him (sun barely up) so I joined them. When I got there I told them the name and the kids all loved it and immediately started calling him Monty. So Monty he is. 🙂

Now begins potty training and training in general. So far the kids are very attentive to him and listening to my doggy rules for training. The rules are: 1. Whoever gets him from his crate/kennel must take him immediately outside to go potty (dogs won’t potty in their crate). 2. Always take him outside after he eats and don’t let him back in until he has done his business. 3. Someone must always be with him when he is inside the house and not in his kennel. 4. Take him outside every half hour or so to let him potty. 5. ALWAYS praise him when he goes potty outside. 6. Anytime we are not home he gets put in his kennel/crate.

So far so good. During the week all of the above rules will mainly be my job. Yay? lol

Personality-wise he seems to be very attention-seeking. He likes feet and tends to get right up under my feet as soon as he sees me. He likes being held and being close to a human body. He hasn’t been playing much but last night he found a dirty sock to play with almost immediately. When left on his own he follows us and does not wander far. So far he responds to us calling him pretty quickly. I was told (I didn’t see myself) that my husband’s already prepping him for his role of “running companion”. Monty ran with him and he was able to keep up for a short distance, too. Considering how small he is (can’t be more than 5lbs), that is impressive!

A Mother’s Reflection on Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, grandmothers, and mother figures out there. I wanted to take time to reflect on my mother experience this lifetime and celebrate my three children.

My Daughter

Adrian Rose – English name meaning “of the sea (Adriatic sea)” but I picked the name because I knew she wanted it.

Rising sign – Cancer
Sun sign – Taurus
Moon sign – Libra

Yesterday we celebrated my daughter’s ninth birthday. Her actual birthday is tomorrow, May 15th. Every year around her birthday I am reminded of how I celebrated Mother’s Day the day before I was admitted to the hospital and gave birth to her. And so I am also reminded of her birth and the gift she has been every day since.

Her entrance to this world was forced, though. I became very ill. Pre-eclamptic. This means my blood pressure was at unsafe levels. Stroke levels. If I remember correctly it was 165/98 or around there. This is abnormally high for me as my BP is usually 110/68. My doctor, God bless her, never indicated her worry, though I am sure she was. She remained calm even when she told me that my kidneys were dumping huge amounts of protein in my urine and that if I did not induce that day my kidneys would fail and then so would my other organs one-by-one. My husband insisted we not induce, so we waited 24 hours, hoping things would improve. They didn’t. I got worse. It was the only time my doctor looked nervous. I was so sick, so out of it, that I had no idea howadrian.jpg dire the situation was.

I don’t remember much of the birth. I was so sick that my mind was scattered and I was so pumped up with medications for the pre-eclampsia and epidural that most of my memory is fuzzy. I felt emotionally numb when I held her for the first time. The numbness lasted 9 months. My poor daughter never got to bond with me because of it and I felt unable to be her mother for reasons unknown to me. My daughter suffered with colic and an under developed digestive tract. We both took a long time to recover.

Yet as we emerged from the haze we connected and our relationship blossomed. I remember noticing when my daughter was first present in her body. I could see it in her eyes at around the 9 month mark. The same time when I emerged from my depression and numbness. In a sense, she really wasn’t born until then. It was like she waited for me.

We have a special bond now. I knew I would have her way back in my teens. I had her first name picked out when I was 19 and her middle name picked out when I was 26. I knew what she would look like because she visited me in Spirit for years before her birth. When she was in my tummy I knew her personality and she has lived up to it in every way. She is a girly girl. Loves dresses, make-up, dolls, etc. The exact opposite of me when I was her age. She is very cautious and coy but when she gets to know you she becomes a chatter box. She is strong willed like me, though, and has an explosive temper when she gets angry.


Me and my daughter in 2009

First Son

Orren – Celtic name that means “Little green one” (Leprechaun)  or “Of the trees”. He is the only one of my children with green eyes. 🙂

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Capricorn
Moon sign – Aries

Like my daughter, I knew about my son ahead of time. Unlike her, I did not choose a name until I knew I was pregnant. When I found his name I knew it, though, because I could sense his personality the minute I became pregnant with him.

My pregnancy was an easy one compared to my daughter. I experienced no sickness and felt wonderful. I had no pre-eclampisa, though my BP was high on the day of his birth. I went into labor early on January 11, 2011. I was hopeful his birthday would be 1-11-11 but he had other plans. He came just after midnight on the 12th. An accidental natural birth (epidural didn’t work) with a minor complication. My doctor brought in the NICU team because his heart rate was dropping to scary limits. Turns out he had an unnaturally short umbilical cord (less than 11 inches) and it was causing him orren.jpgdistress.

When he was put in my arms I cried happy tears. The natural birth was amazing and so memorable. I couldn’t sleep I was so ecstatic afterward and experienced a mother’s high for 6 weeks after his birth. I was in love with him and couldn’t stay away, my energy so high that sleep was unnecessary. His birth was how birth should be and I saw just how much I had missed with my daughter because of my illness.

My son has thus lived up to the personality I felt from him while he was in my womb. He is intense at times but very caring. He is always working to keep the peace and when his feelings get hurt he is quick to recover. Super social and agreeable, he is everyone’s friend. In fact, his teacher says he is friends with everyone in his class. He is very active and curious, too, to the point that if he is not focused on something he goes into an agony over being bored. He seems fearless in comparison to my daughter.

I was told by my guidance prior to his birth that he is my father reincarnated. My daughter confirmed this after his birth when she was 2.5 years old telling me, “He’s my grandfather, silly.” Interestingly, my mom and my son have a special bond. My mom being my father’s ex-wife, this makes complete sense.

Second Son

Elek – Hungarian name meaning “defender of mankind”.

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Aries
Moon sign – Aries

My second son was a surprise. Kinda. I knew about him but was in denial. I didn’t want anymore children. I was happy with my two and felt my family was complete. He had other ideas. Funny thing is that I said many times before I became pregnant, “If I have another child it will be a boy.”

It took a while to find his name. Once I did, though, it felt right. Unfortunately, I spent the first five months of my pregnancy with him in anger. Eventually I got over it. I cannot understand how any mother doesn’t fall in love with her child when they are in her womb. You can sense them, feel the love in every movement they make. You become instantly concerned for them, putting them first in every way. I took better care of myself when I was pregnant, especially with him.

I knew somehow that he would be breech months before it was apparent that he was not going to turn. I knew I would have a c-section, too. It was a scary prospect and part of why I was so angry in the beginning. I wanted another natural birth and was not going to get it. The unknown loomed in the distance. I worried for him and for me.

He decided to make his entrance a week before the c-section was scheduled. I went into labor on the 30th and my contractions were strong the next day at work making me have to check myself into the hospital. My BP was super low, though, and I felt really good considering. I had only gained 19 pounds with him, so never really felt pregnant.

I had an emergency c-section but it was somewhat planned. My doctor, the same one from my other two, was super supportive. She hugged me, held my hand and was just amazing. Nothing went wrong and within five hours of checking into the hospital I had my son in my arms. elek1

I had a scary first night, though. When I tried to sleep I would stop breathing. This was because they gave me morphine. I told them to stop but the effects kept me awake all night. I had hallucinations because of it the entire next day. I would be talking to family and end up talking to Spirit and saying nonsense things to my family. The whole time I could see other people in the room and was sure they were there, but they weren’t. It was like I was awake and dreaming at the same time. At one point in the night I felt Spirit lurking about near my sleeping son. He was not a nice one and I had to send him a warning. He left but it spooked me. I will never take morphine again if I can help it!

So far my youngest has lived up to his personality, too. He is a fireball but so very loving and snuggly. When he gets mad you better apologize or he will make you regret it. But he is also very forgiving and easy to please. So far he is not very social but more of a loner. He prefers to be with me or an adult to other children. He talks and talks, too, and seems to enjoy performing to get attention.


Becoming a mother has changed me for the better, no doubt about it. At first it was somewhat forced. I resisted big-time. I felt my freedom was being stolen from me and spent a good time grieving over this perceived loss. After my daughter was born I swore I would have no more children but eventually this lessened as she grew and I grew alongside her. It is true that the first born is the biggest teacher of them all. Neither has played their role and so many mistakes are made and so huge growth is the result.

Motherhood taught me unconditional love the hard way. The love is unlike any other. In itself the love changes all that it touches. You can’t help but be changed by it. My children made me a better person, a better daughter, a better wife, a better teacher, a better sister, a better listener. Better. They give me purpose, joy, future, promise, hope. I do not know who I would be had I not met my three children. I am grateful every day to have been blessed with their presence in my life.


Me and my three children in March, 2017 – Adrian, Elek and Orren.

My Mom and Grandmother

Being a mother also contributed to me finally understanding what my own mother must have gone through raising me and my two sisters. It takes one to know one, right? I have so much more respect for her and the role she played now. It is the same for my grandmother and the role she played in my life. As I watch my own mother in her role as grandmother to my children I see my grandmother in  her. It is so surreal in a sense to see how I have stepped into my mother’s role and she has stepped into her mother’s role.


November 2013

In memory of my grandmother who passed on May 4, 2014. Three generations – me, my mom and my grandmother. In this photo I am 6 months pregnant with my last child.




GAPS – Day 3

Just a quick look at yesterday. I will likely not post much more on the diet from now on since my family is settling into it pretty well now.

My daughter had her first tantrum over what she could eat. She came home from school and wanted Raisin Bran as a snack. My mother-in-law told her no and she commenced to her yelling, kicking, and “dying” routine. So mother-in-law called my husband who gave her permission to eat it (boo on him!). I came home just after, oblivious to the drama and saw her sitting with her new bowl of cereal. I immediately told her no and then I got the tantrum. I stuck firm and we went for a walk. Cereal forgotten and replaced with mother-daughter time. Score!

My son is doing much better. He still hates his probiotic and the cod liver oil (who could blame him?) but he is eating better and much happier. My mother-in-law watched him yesterday and all I got from her is, “I hate this diet. There are no snacks for the children”. When I explained there were snacks just not the kind they were use to and that they would get over it, she said, “Well get rid of all of it then so they can’t see it”. I explained that not all of it would be forever excluded from our diet. Why waste good food? We didn’t eat bad before. Mainly I just need to toss the Goldfish, sweets and cereal bars. I told her I would.

I made Fish Soup last night – a first ever for me. I thought “Nasty” when I heard the name but all the websites online said it is a big winner for families with kids. So I made it. This was the recipe I used:

Fish Soup – total time to prepare and cook was approximately 40 minutes

  • 6 cups chicken stock (homemade)
  • Several baby carrots cut up
  • Two stalks of celery, chopped
  • Three sprigs of fresh parsley, chopped
  • 1 white onion
  • 2 cloves of garlic, chopped
  • 1 small bok choy, chopped
  • 1 cluster of broccoli florets
  • 2 Swai filets, thawed
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • Lemon if desired

Put all ingredients except the broccoli and Swai in a large pot. Bring to a boil and then turn down the heat and allow to simmer until carrots are tender. Add broccoli. Allow broccoli to cook until bright green (maybe 2 minutes). Add Swai whole to the pot. When the fish turns opaque and flakes then it is done (approximate 2-3 minutes).

Serve with lemon and more parsley if this suits your tastes.

This recipe was a huge hit. My husband said it was his favorite meal of the week (wow). My daughter didn’t like it much but she had a tummy ache during dinner.

Positive Change

As a family we have eaten a much greater variety of meats and veggies than is normal for the week and the week isn’t even done! In four days we have eaten – chicken, ground beef, ground lamb, bone broth, and fish. The fruits and veggies we have eaten is triple what we normally eat. We have eaten a dozen apples, 8 bananas, 4 pears, blue berries, bok choy, broccoli, kale, onion, garlic, parsley, carrots, celery, spinach, cucumber, beets, lemon, and ginger. I still have brussel sprouts and peppers I have not used yet.

If you are thinking of trying this diet, I will say that you will need to grocery shop more than is your norm. I have already taken two trips to the grocery store and am considering a third (fruit is low again). Also, if you think you are making enough for your family, double it. I made an entire crockpot of chicken soup and it lasted two days. I made an entire crockpot of meatball soup and it lasted ONE day. The night I made boiled meat patties there was one patty out of 10 that survived for leftovers. The fish soup was gone after one meal with only a tiny portion left which my husband took for lunch today. I never thought I would have to cook so much! Ha!

It can be done, though, and is not too bad since most of the meals are pretty easy to prepare. I have three small kids and was able to do it and I work part-time. I know I could do this if I worked full-time, though the grocery shopping would have been harder.

Overall I think this diet is a great way to get your eating habits in order. It has been a great learning experience for my entire family and my children did not die from lack of carbohydrates and sugar.