A Mother’s Reflection on Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, grandmothers, and mother figures out there. I wanted to take time to reflect on my mother experience this lifetime and celebrate my three children.

My Daughter

Adrian Rose – English name meaning “of the sea (Adriatic sea)” but I picked the name because I knew she wanted it.

Rising sign – Cancer
Sun sign – Taurus
Moon sign – Libra

Yesterday we celebrated my daughter’s ninth birthday. Her actual birthday is tomorrow, May 15th. Every year around her birthday I am reminded of how I celebrated Mother’s Day the day before I was admitted to the hospital and gave birth to her. And so I am also reminded of her birth and the gift she has been every day since.

Her entrance to this world was forced, though. I became very ill. Pre-eclamptic. This means my blood pressure was at unsafe levels. Stroke levels. If I remember correctly it was 165/98 or around there. This is abnormally high for me as my BP is usually 110/68. My doctor, God bless her, never indicated her worry, though I am sure she was. She remained calm even when she told me that my kidneys were dumping huge amounts of protein in my urine and that if I did not induce that day my kidneys would fail and then so would my other organs one-by-one. My husband insisted we not induce, so we waited 24 hours, hoping things would improve. They didn’t. I got worse. It was the only time my doctor looked nervous. I was so sick, so out of it, that I had no idea howadrian.jpg dire the situation was.

I don’t remember much of the birth. I was so sick that my mind was scattered and I was so pumped up with medications for the pre-eclampsia and epidural that most of my memory is fuzzy. I felt emotionally numb when I held her for the first time. The numbness lasted 9 months. My poor daughter never got to bond with me because of it and I felt unable to be her mother for reasons unknown to me. My daughter suffered with colic and an under developed digestive tract. We both took a long time to recover.

Yet as we emerged from the haze we connected and our relationship blossomed. I remember noticing when my daughter was first present in her body. I could see it in her eyes at around the 9 month mark. The same time when I emerged from my depression and numbness. In a sense, she really wasn’t born until then. It was like she waited for me.

We have a special bond now. I knew I would have her way back in my teens. I had her first name picked out when I was 19 and her middle name picked out when I was 26. I knew what she would look like because she visited me in Spirit for years before her birth. When she was in my tummy I knew her personality and she has lived up to it in every way. She is a girly girl. Loves dresses, make-up, dolls, etc. The exact opposite of me when I was her age. She is very cautious and coy but when she gets to know you she becomes a chatter box. She is strong willed like me, though, and has an explosive temper when she gets angry.

meandadrian

Me and my daughter in 2009

First Son

Orren – Celtic name that means “Little green one” (Leprechaun)  or “Of the trees”. He is the only one of my children with green eyes. 🙂

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Capricorn
Moon sign – Aries

Like my daughter, I knew about my son ahead of time. Unlike her, I did not choose a name until I knew I was pregnant. When I found his name I knew it, though, because I could sense his personality the minute I became pregnant with him.

My pregnancy was an easy one compared to my daughter. I experienced no sickness and felt wonderful. I had no pre-eclampisa, though my BP was high on the day of his birth. I went into labor early on January 11, 2011. I was hopeful his birthday would be 1-11-11 but he had other plans. He came just after midnight on the 12th. An accidental natural birth (epidural didn’t work) with a minor complication. My doctor brought in the NICU team because his heart rate was dropping to scary limits. Turns out he had an unnaturally short umbilical cord (less than 11 inches) and it was causing him orren.jpgdistress.

When he was put in my arms I cried happy tears. The natural birth was amazing and so memorable. I couldn’t sleep I was so ecstatic afterward and experienced a mother’s high for 6 weeks after his birth. I was in love with him and couldn’t stay away, my energy so high that sleep was unnecessary. His birth was how birth should be and I saw just how much I had missed with my daughter because of my illness.

My son has thus lived up to the personality I felt from him while he was in my womb. He is intense at times but very caring. He is always working to keep the peace and when his feelings get hurt he is quick to recover. Super social and agreeable, he is everyone’s friend. In fact, his teacher says he is friends with everyone in his class. He is very active and curious, too, to the point that if he is not focused on something he goes into an agony over being bored. He seems fearless in comparison to my daughter.

I was told by my guidance prior to his birth that he is my father reincarnated. My daughter confirmed this after his birth when she was 2.5 years old telling me, “He’s my grandfather, silly.” Interestingly, my mom and my son have a special bond. My mom being my father’s ex-wife, this makes complete sense.

Second Son

Elek – Hungarian name meaning “defender of mankind”.

Rising sign – Libra
Sun sign – Aries
Moon sign – Aries

My second son was a surprise. Kinda. I knew about him but was in denial. I didn’t want anymore children. I was happy with my two and felt my family was complete. He had other ideas. Funny thing is that I said many times before I became pregnant, “If I have another child it will be a boy.”

It took a while to find his name. Once I did, though, it felt right. Unfortunately, I spent the first five months of my pregnancy with him in anger. Eventually I got over it. I cannot understand how any mother doesn’t fall in love with her child when they are in her womb. You can sense them, feel the love in every movement they make. You become instantly concerned for them, putting them first in every way. I took better care of myself when I was pregnant, especially with him.

I knew somehow that he would be breech months before it was apparent that he was not going to turn. I knew I would have a c-section, too. It was a scary prospect and part of why I was so angry in the beginning. I wanted another natural birth and was not going to get it. The unknown loomed in the distance. I worried for him and for me.

He decided to make his entrance a week before the c-section was scheduled. I went into labor on the 30th and my contractions were strong the next day at work making me have to check myself into the hospital. My BP was super low, though, and I felt really good considering. I had only gained 19 pounds with him, so never really felt pregnant.

I had an emergency c-section but it was somewhat planned. My doctor, the same one from my other two, was super supportive. She hugged me, held my hand and was just amazing. Nothing went wrong and within five hours of checking into the hospital I had my son in my arms. elek1

I had a scary first night, though. When I tried to sleep I would stop breathing. This was because they gave me morphine. I told them to stop but the effects kept me awake all night. I had hallucinations because of it the entire next day. I would be talking to family and end up talking to Spirit and saying nonsense things to my family. The whole time I could see other people in the room and was sure they were there, but they weren’t. It was like I was awake and dreaming at the same time. At one point in the night I felt Spirit lurking about near my sleeping son. He was not a nice one and I had to send him a warning. He left but it spooked me. I will never take morphine again if I can help it!

So far my youngest has lived up to his personality, too. He is a fireball but so very loving and snuggly. When he gets mad you better apologize or he will make you regret it. But he is also very forgiving and easy to please. So far he is not very social but more of a loner. He prefers to be with me or an adult to other children. He talks and talks, too, and seems to enjoy performing to get attention.

Motherhood

Becoming a mother has changed me for the better, no doubt about it. At first it was somewhat forced. I resisted big-time. I felt my freedom was being stolen from me and spent a good time grieving over this perceived loss. After my daughter was born I swore I would have no more children but eventually this lessened as she grew and I grew alongside her. It is true that the first born is the biggest teacher of them all. Neither has played their role and so many mistakes are made and so huge growth is the result.

Motherhood taught me unconditional love the hard way. The love is unlike any other. In itself the love changes all that it touches. You can’t help but be changed by it. My children made me a better person, a better daughter, a better wife, a better teacher, a better sister, a better listener. Better. They give me purpose, joy, future, promise, hope. I do not know who I would be had I not met my three children. I am grateful every day to have been blessed with their presence in my life.

three

Me and my three children in March, 2017 – Adrian, Elek and Orren.

My Mom and Grandmother

Being a mother also contributed to me finally understanding what my own mother must have gone through raising me and my two sisters. It takes one to know one, right? I have so much more respect for her and the role she played now. It is the same for my grandmother and the role she played in my life. As I watch my own mother in her role as grandmother to my children I see my grandmother in  her. It is so surreal in a sense to see how I have stepped into my mother’s role and she has stepped into her mother’s role.

threegenerations

November 2013

In memory of my grandmother who passed on May 4, 2014. Three generations – me, my mom and my grandmother. In this photo I am 6 months pregnant with my last child.

 

 

 

Advertisements