Exit 2020, Enter 2021

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Wishing you all a blessed New Year.

The featured image of this post reminds me of one of the darkest times in my life. The best description would be that I was in the midst of a Dark Night of the Soul. I wanted to give up. My guides seemingly went quiet except for one time. I wanted them to tell me what to do. I could see nothing ahead of me. All was black and depressing. There was no way out, I thought. My guide whispered, “Just put one foot in front of the other.”

Later, after following this advice, I was able to break through the darkness.

For those of you who have struggled in 2020, I wish I could say 2021 will provide the light you are seeking, but I can’t. All I can advise is what my guide once advised me. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, you will see the light again.

What will you be doing during the last week of 2020?

Trip to Montana

My family and I are about to embark on an adventure. For my children, it will be a week of many firsts. Their first time on a plane. Their first memories of snow. Their first time skiing. Their first view of the magnificent Rocky Mountains (The Bridger Mountains to be specific). Their first time visiting Montana. And probably many other firsts besides these.

For me, I will spend this last week visiting my past, or what I like to call, “My first life”. I haven’t been to Montana in winter since 1999/2000. I haven’t been to my old college stomping grounds since then either. My research revealed that a lot has changed in the town of Bozeman in the 20 years since I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree (yes, exactly 20 years!). It isn’t so tiny anymore, that’s for sure! Yet still, it would be consider tiny to most. I don’t know yet what lies ahead. Healing? Release? Expansion? Gratitude? Joy? Maybe all of the above and more – I hope.

My memories of my time there are wrought with anxiety. The snowy, ice packed, winter roads caused me much distress. As a Texan I was just not prepared for winter driving and even after four years of practice I often drove gripping the steering wheel, fighting mental images of getting stuck in a ditch without any way of contacting help. To give you an idea of just how anxious driving made me, I turned down a good job because I couldn’t confront the idea of the long commute during the winter months.

Other memories consist of my time with my ex and his family, regrets at how I treated them and how I let my anxiety and need for control destroy the very relationships that supported me during this time in my life. The entire time, I was surrounded by nature’s beauty, an awe-inspiring, breathtaking array of Mountains, foothills and wildlife. Yet I very rarely took the time to really appreciate it. The times I did allow myself to breathe in the beauty and magnificence of the place I lived are some of my most precious memories of my time there.

One memory I have that has now become my favorite was on a hunting trip to the outskirts of Yellowstone. My ex was always hunting and had the goal of killing a six point elk. He succeeded on this trip but we got caught in the mountains in the dark and were forced to spend the night. We had no tents, no supplies for camping – nothing. I remember laying in the sage on the mountainside trying to sleep but being blown away by the night sky in all its glory. The air, the smells, the sensations, all remain vivid in my memory. It was spectacular! I can STILL feel all of it as if it was yesterday.

Those are the memories I want to keep. The others, well, they are lessons learned and I hope to share the good parts with my husband and children this week. I want them to see what I often did not, to know the world is glorious and full of wonder if only we would take the time to really SEE and appreciate it.

I will certainly share photos upon our return as well as any lessons and healing experiences I may have.

Dreams, Conversations and short OBE

Last night was full of wonderful healing energy and a great many interesting conversations and dreams. It began with some powerful surges of Kundalini. They were brief, though, and didn’t keep me from falling asleep.

Dream: Drowning Girl

I had this dream two nights ago but feel it is appropriate to share now.

I was in a boat (unexplored emotions and feelings) with a mother (aspect of self) and her daughter (inner child). The daughter had no legs (feeling helpless). She was just an upper body and midsection. The boat was moving at super high speeds like a speed boat. The mother was holding onto her daughter in an attempt to keep her from going overboard. 

We traveled at high speeds for a while but then the mother lost her grip on her daughter. The girl fell into the dark water and the boat stopped a short distance after, docking near a pier located near some homes. Me and the mother got out of the boat and the mother despaired, wailing for someone to rescue her daughter. I felt unable to help and also called for others to assist, but no one came. I remember worrying the girl couldn’t swim because she had no legs. She surely would sink straight to the bottom.

I looked down at the water’s surface to see if I could see her and saw bubbles rising to the surface. I yelled to the mother, “Look! Bubbles! She’s there!” The mother jumped in and was under water for a while. When she finally surfaced she had her daughter in her arms but she was unresponsive. The mother blew in her face like a mother’s does to get a baby to take a breath, and it worked! Eventually the girl revived and was okay. We were all so relieved. I began to sob and woke up in tears.


It feels like this dream is about my inner child and my desire to save her from a situation that feels out of control. Her lack of legs indicates she is unable to move or progress on her own. She may feel stuck. It seems the dream message is that surrender must occur before progress can be made. My emotion felt displaced and it confused me. I have no idea why I cried so much. Relief maybe?

Dream: Failing Grades

I was back in high school and my teachers were telling me that I was failing their classes. Specifically it felt like I was failing Algebra and there was a question about an English paper that was due. There was discussion about the classes I was passing, too. History was one of them and I commented that it made sense being I was a history teacher. I remember looking at my grade in Algebra (logic). It was a 55 and I knew that I would not pass no matter how hard I worked because I didn’t have time to make up all the missed assignments. 

Eventually I decided that it was pointless to try so hard to pass because I had already graduated a long, long time ago. I remember talking to another woman in my same position and telling her, “I have a Master’s in School Counseling. I was just going to school because it was fun. No one even noticed my age.” I was very proud that I could pass so easily as much younger than I really am. 

The administration in the front office was very irritated with me and had called in someone higher up as well as the police when they discovered I was not who I pretended to be. This is when I decided to just leave with the woman. I said, “What are they going to do? They have my old address, my old information from when I attended in my teens. They can’t find me. There is nothing they can do.”

We went outside and flew along a road to a circular, dirt drive near an old, wooden home. It felt like my new address for some reason but it turned out I had just parked my car there. Rather than go to my car, a guy took us to this van and out of it came two Mexican men with pizzas they said we ordered. I was asked to pay and I remember using a fake card number and signing my husband’s name. lol 

The dream fades out here but I remember traveling.


I feel this is a positive dream. It reminds me of a very recent dream where I was still in high school but telling everyone I was much older and had already graduated. In that dream I had been told, “It’s time to go now” and the message was that it was not helping me to repeat the same lesson over and over again, a lesson that the younger version of me mastered a while ago. So last night’s dream seems to be a continuation of that theme except that I decide to leave. My attitude is “screw the consequences”. I realized I was able to fool everyone into thinking I was someone I am not and so they would not be able to find the real me.

So it seems I am done pretending to be this other version of me. I am done learning lessons that I have already learned and repeating the same classes over and over again. 

Discussion and Short OBE

I recall having numerous discussions while in the in-between. Much of it was about the Kundalini, which has been more active than usual. It was explained to me that when it rose this next time to be ready for a major clearing to occur. It felt like a warning but at the same time I was not concerned. I remember worrying I would have major panic but felt it would not be an issue this time around.

In one very vivid memory, I was conversing with three individuals dressed in white. It reminded me of the environment from the movie The Island and there is probably some symbolism to be had in that, too. A woman and I were discussing my current issues with my marriage. She began to tell me about her own situation. She explained how she had a strong connection with a man and so left her husband immediately because there was no comparison. As she explained the amazing connection she had with the new man, I saw him standing behind her. He had a big, puffy, blonde beard. Next to him I saw her husband who also had a beard, only it was red. The husband went up to the other man who was about a foot taller than him. He then kissed the man passionately and they kissed for a while. The woman said to me, “Look what I have to deal with.” LOL

After this interesting conversation I put my attention on how I was feeling. I knew I was OOB but I was floating just over the top of my sleeping body. The energy was so wonderful and I played with it, spinning around and willing myself to expand and contract. Eventually, though, I decided I would just exit my body and see what I could find or explore.

The first attempt didn’t last. I had trouble disconnecting and felt too heavy so I immediately just let myself fall back into the amazing energy. I almost fell asleep but then decided to try exiting again. This time I was successful and flew out of my bedroom. I could still feel the heavy energy. It was not lifting even as I flew up into the air. I opened my eyes as I jumped/flew down the stairs. I could see my dog at the bottom looking up at me. The entire house was golden in color and very bright. As I flew down I could feel the sensation that comes with falling, as if my stomach jumped into my throat. It was a thrill and I was joyous as I reached the bottom but within seconds I could feel that feeling as if someone says, “NO” and I was sucked back to my body.
I didn’t feel myself transition, though. Instead I floated there in the brilliant energy again. This time, talking to the woman who I had been talking to before, I told the woman, “I will stay right here, then.” As I told her this I created a long board and began to apply glue to it. I was showing her that I would glue myself to that spot and stay put. LOL

I lingered in the in-between for a while, soaking up the healing energy. This is how I started my day and I am so grateful for it.

Dream: Erupting Volcano and Lightning Tower

As the “great conjunction” approaches my need for sleep has increased but my ability to fall asleep has decreased. I suspect all the holiday activities are to blame. My company held its annual Christmas party yesterday and so I spent several hours around a large group. While there I could sense them all – their gratitude, their struggles, their worries, their hope – and felt a comradery I’ve not felt before. Most of our employees I know only in name and feelings their individual energies was revealing in more than one way. But the more people I am around, the more wired I tend to be afterward. Sometimes it can take hours for me wind down.

Despite my lack of sleep I am having higher instances of Kundalini activity and my dream recall is also increasing.

I can’t help but wonder if the great conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter is contributing to all this new activity. Years ago, after several OBEs, I woke with memory of the movie The Dark Crystal. Here is the post if you want to read about it.

The theme song of the movie was in my head along with memories of the prophecy the entire movie was based upon. I loved the movie as a child so the memories immediately took me back to that time in my life. Surprising, I recalled the prophecy word-for-word:

When single shines the triple sun,
What was sundered and undone
Shall be whole, the two made one,
By Gelfling hand, or else by none

When I heard about the up and coming “great conjunction” I recalled the part of the movie where Aughra said, “The great conjunction is at hand!” In another part of the movies she describes what the conjunction means:

The Great Conjunction is the end of the world…or the beginning. End, begin. All the same! Big change! Sometimes good, sometimes bad!

I had the below dream two nights ago. You will see how this dream relates to the above conjunction message if you focus on the symbolism of the dream.

Dream: Erupting Volcano and Lightning Tower

I was in a field behind my Mom’s house with my MIL (aspect of self, the old crone, wisdom). She was asking me to follow her. I had with me a bowl of food (spiritual sustenance) and my phone (communication). I saw that sky was overcast. Huge, dark clouds were rolling in but the sun’s rays were breaking through in areas. It was beautiful so I took out my phone to take photos but the food I carried was making it difficult. I couldn’t take a picture with just one hand and stood there fumbling a while before I put down the food bowl.

My MIL was waving for me to follow so I left the beautiful sky and ran after her. She was way ahead and I had to catch up.

The terrain changed. Trees disappeared and a rugged, dessert-like landscape took its place. I found myself standing near boulders (obstacles) at the base of a steep mountain (difficult path). Above and in the distance I saw a wide, solid red column of fire in the sky. In awe, I stood looking at it, again fumbling with my phone to take a picture. I remember exclaiming, “It’s a volcano (Kundalini)!” What is odd is that the eruption was not in spurts, shooting upward. Instead the column of fire seemed to flow like a river into the sky without any interruption in flow.

I went closer to inspect the odd volcano only to discover a tower rising high into the sky. It was like the tower connected to the sky and if you climbed it you could reach God. As I looked up at the tower I could see bolts of lightning striking it (the Tower card in traditional tarot). The entire tower would light up. I saw then it was made of metal in a grid fashion like a phone tower. The metal conducted the energy and the entire tower glowed bluish-white.

I remember climbing still further. Eventually we reached our destination which resembled an abandoned resort (transition is over) in a tropical area. I could see above me the empty rooms.  Rain (strong emotion) was falling in sheets but it didn’t get me wet. I walked toward the edge of the resort. There was a road that ended in a vast ocean. I could see a small fawn (true friends, faithfulness) struggling in the water. I wanted to save it and began to reach for it, telling my MIL, “Look! It’s a baby deer!” I could see it clearly as it approached the shore but then it morphed into a baby (new beginnings) when it reached the shore. I think I held it but can’t remember. 


This dream feels like both a warning and a Kundalini dream. The volcano is unlike what I’ve seen in other dreams. While volcanic eruptions are common Kundalini symbols in my dreams, the volcanoes tend to send fire into the sky in spurts. Sometimes there is lightning accompanying the eruption. I have described some of my experiences with the K energy as “lightning bolts of energy”, so that is likely what the lightning symbolizes in this dream as well. I find it interesting that in this dream the volcanic eruption is sustained, flowing continuously from root (Earth) to crown (Heaven).

Image from the Osho Zen Tarot deck

The tower is symbolic of the Tower card in tarot. When this card comes up it is a warning of major changes, usually unexpected. The change destroys the old to make way for the new. It typically shakes up the world of the person and there is no avoiding it. This is where the quote from Aughra comes in. The Tower card represents big change – sometimes good, sometimes bad but always destruction of the old to make way for the new.

The abandoned resort indicates a period of transition is over. The road, or my path, ends in an ocean of emotion and there is even more emotion with the rain, but I never get wet, meaning the emotion doesn’t overwhelm me. I try to rescue the fawn from drowning, meaning I want to avoid losing what the fawn represents – true friendship and/or faithfulness in a relationship. When it morphs into a baby it indicates new beginnings.

To add to the above dream and symbolism, I woke with the song Paradise by Coldplay in my head. The specific part I heard was:

And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She’d say, “Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, I know the sun must set to rise.”

Karma: A Simple Explanation

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, 2020 has been a tough year. Not only has it been tumultuous on the outside (Covid, politics and other world events) but my personal Universe has been quite “bumpy”. Besides all the drama of the near-death of my sister, I’ve also been dealing with personal issues relating specifically to my marriage. Fights are not uncommon and one fight in particular brought up a subject that I want to talk about in this post: Karma.

December 7th

A typical argument ensued. My husband blew up, stormed out and then later returned, calmer, and we actually communicated for a while. The question had come up regarding why he and I are still together which led to him finally “inviting me” to share my truth (as a Self-Projected Projector this is key for me to feel heard and work my magic).

I shared with him a dream I had a while ago where I recalled a past life from around the 1400-1500s. In this dream, my husband was my fiancé. In that lifetime he was a very well-off, rich, noble born man. He was tall, well groomed, blonde and very egotistical. I was petite, beautiful but in a plain way, and from a lower status family. Our marriage was pre-arranged and I did as I was told.

In the end, I broke off our engagement (meaning I lost the support of my family), choosing instead a poorly man who was crippled and likely to die in a year. I loved this other man with all my heart, though, and gave up a life of riches and wanting for nothing to be with a someone who could give me absolutely nothing. My husband’s past self could not handle the rejection. No woman had ever rejected him! In fact, women flocked to him. He was spoiled and entitled and full of himself. His only interest in me was in the pursuit and possession of me. Had I married him he would not have stayed faithful and though I would have wanted for nothing I would not have had love or the freedom to be myself. 

After that, all I remember was that the man I married did die within a short time after I made my choice to be with him. What I recall of him is that he had to walk with a cane because his legs were malformed; twisted as if he had some kind of nerve disorder from an accident or perhaps genetics. He had a brilliant mind, though.

More questions and discussion led to an invitation to explain karma. So, I explained what karma was and how it worked. Interestingly enough the explanation flowed out of me in an unexpected way (as will happen with Self-Projected Projectors like myself). 

I saw how we as spiritual Beings view karma versus how we as humans see it. There is no “good” or “bad”. It is simply decisions and our tendencies to repeat decisions rather than learn from them when in a human body. When we return to Spirit we recall our human life much like a dream. Only parts stick out – the parts that contain high emotion or trauma mainly. Even still those things are not seen as important. They are like in our peripheral, just on the outskirts of our awareness until they build up and become hard to ignore, like pesky flies or mosquitoes that we ultimately have to put our attention on. Karma occurs when the repetitive choices become those “pesky flies”. To resolve this we must reverse the repetitive decisions so that balance returns. 

My husband brought up how we forget when we come into the body. I said that we don’t forget but that the human body/biological Being and the Spiritual Being when merged do not speak the same “language”. The genetic memories and the Spiritual memories combine and become cellular memory but it is below the surface, in the human subconscious. The challenge then is to learn how to tap into these memories via increased awareness so that we then can make difference decisions and shift the pattern in order to create balance. Then those pesky flies disappear.

In my mind I saw all of this that I explained as if a Universe were around me. It was so clear but now, as I try to recall it, the clarity is lacking and my explanation falls short. 

The important part is that my husband has been given the chance to have the life with me that was denied him in another lifetime. I am giving him that chance and also gaining a chance to experience a path I opted out of in the past (maybe several past lifetimes). My husband believes he killed me, or at least had me killed by “the butcher” (his words). I don’t remember this, so I can’t say whether it is true but he had certainty that it was what happened. I told him that what I perceived is that in that life he struggled with letting me go. He just couldn’t do it. So, in this lifetime, his must come to the point where he can do that – completely. 


I wasn’t going to post about the above conversation initially, but a post on FB changed that. I don’t usually watch posted videos but this one caught my eye. As I watched, a question about “why do we incarnate” was answered.

At the 12 minute mark you will hear what made me decide to share my karma explanation today:

Jurgen explains that you/we don’t decide to reincarnate via our Ego-Self but make that decision via the “energy field of the totality of yourself”. From that vantage point we see all our aspects, everything that we are, and we choose to reincarnate in order to “level the playing field”. I explained to my husband that we sense imbalance and seek to create balance and that is what karma is. Period. It isn’t “good” or “bad”, it is just imbalance.

What I saw in my mind and tried to communicate to my husband was like a small universe – The universe that is me – with clusters of stars of “light”. It seemed that the overly bright clusters of stars/light were what caught my attention and as a result I would “zoom in” to see why. The more focused I was on a specific area the more “karma” it contained.

December 9th – Dream and Possible Past Life Memory

In this dream I was in the gym at a weight machine I have never seen. It was cables with large “S” hooks. I was using it for upper body, chest or shoulders. There was a man there who I was talking to. The man took a cable and hooked it up and then I lifted for a bit. We were talking throughout and he wanted to take me somewhere. It felt like he was interested in me for a relationship. I think he was a teacher and we were talking about what we had that in common.

Then I was in his car driving over very uneven terrain. The road had huge rocks and ledges of rocks. It was super bumpy but he drove it like he had no concern for the roughness of it or that it would damage his car. He also drove fast. I was holding on tight as he drove towards what looked like a cliff composed of large, flat, colored rocks. He went over it with only a large bump. No crash as it seemed would happen.

The man took me into a dilapidated house that was very long and narrow inside. The kitchen was the main part I recall as well as all the family members that were crowded inside. The appliances were out dated and the sink was not hooked up. His family were very uneducated and poorly in appearance. They reminded me of people from slums. I accepted them as they were, though. They noticed I was not like them. 

The man told me that he still lived with his ex and their son. I saw her walking through the house. She was blonde but looked to be high on drugs. She looked awful. I was polite, though. The situation seemed to be that he felt obligated to help her. I also knew his job as a teacher was the only income they had.

Then the man took me to another area of the house, a living area. Inside were more family members of all ages. There was a little girl who I liked and was drawn to. The man began preparing something that looked like tortillas. I told the girl she was special to get homemade bread as most these days didn’t even know how to make it. I described my bread machine to her. She was fascinated.

The man was talking to a male family member who was lingering there. An older man. They spoke of the family assets and how they owned millions in property which they bought to house everyone in the family, young and old. They built a house for a grandparent to take care of them which turned out to be very expensive. I had no judgment at the time, just curiosity, but in considering it now I think it sad to spend so much on housing but not take care of any of it. It was also strange that all the family were so poorly and didn’t seem to care to bathe or take care of themselves.

Then I was with the man alone in a separate room. Near the back was an opening and I walked toward it. I stood at the opening which was like a wide open door and looked out at the swamp-like conditions outside. It would have been beautiful except that there was trash and litter, old cars, etc., dotting the landscape. It saddened me. Then the man turned and told me he was not interested in a long-term type relationship with me. It was odd that he would go to such effort to introduce me to his family but not want anything to do with me in that way. I didn’t get my feelings hurt, though. I got a sense that he had decided to stay with them regardless of how they brought him down. He did it out of duty. It felt that he didn’t want to complicate matters by bringing me into his mess.

I ended up going into a small office with an older man who was family to this young man –  a great uncle or something (higher more wise aspect). It was strange that the office was connected to the house I had just been in. The office was also very cluttered. Floor to ceiling books (wisdom, information) and other items, but the clutter looked organized. It felt like the man was highly intelligent.

The man was professional looking, dressed in a sweater vest, shirt and tie. He had dark hair, wore glasses and reminded me of someone I know in this life. He offered me a seat but they all had white spots on them. He commented on how no one ever wanted to sit in them. I told him I understood why. So he pulled out a different chair that was hidden in the corner. The chair was covered in brown, furry fabric and swiveled. I sat in it. I knew he was a counselor and I was there for a session but I don’t recall ever having one, at least not a normal one. What I do remember is going back into the cluttered and dilapidated house with a sponge and wiping the layers of dust off of things in an attempt to clean up. As I cleaned I said that I couldn’t understand how no one ever took the time to clean. I was shocked that anyone would live in such a state permanently. I was happy to clean and had thoughts of thoroughly cleaning the entire house. I also thought of how I could cook them meals, meals they had never tried before.


I believe this was a past life dream.  

It felt like the family situation, generations all living together, symbolized many past lives or aspects. They lived together (all part of one) in the bayou and/or the Appalachians or deep South. So perhaps many lifetimes occurred in the same area? Or it could be a direct link to this lifetime and the importance of family.

At the beginning of the dream when I was talking to the man I was in a gym attempting to lift weights. This symbolism indicates that I was talking about a “weight” I am carrying. The man is carrying it, too, because he is also lifting weights in the gym. The gym is symbolic of self-improvement, so the man and I were there discussing how to improve ourselves. This is where I get the idea that it may relate to a past life, specifically because of the “S” hooks. This takes a more literal meaning to me as the person I know in this lifetime has “S” in his name and the “hook” here is how were are connected (hooked).

What is odd is that this past life feels like it was more his than mine. That maybe he thought about inviting me to participate but then chose to take a different path?  

If this is true, that I was being shown a past life scenario, then it could be that there is an opportunity to resolve karma similar to the karma my husband and I are trying to resolve. The similarity being that both men did not get to be with me in those lives and now have the opportunity to try the path they rejected. My husband didn’t get to be with me because I refused him. Perhaps my friend didn’t get to be with me out of duty to his family and seeing the added complications being with me would create? If this is the case, I find it interesting that now the roles are reversed and I am the one with family obligations getting in the way.

Whatever the case, the dream and karma explanation came within days of each other, which is not a coincidence. I have been specifically asking for clarity on my life in general, so this kind of dreamwork is not unusual. I just wish I could make better sense of it all.

The Kundalini: Questions

More crazy dreams. I have no clue why, for most of 2020, my dreams and recall have been so funky, but this year has been odd all around. It is like a wave of strange and mysterious poured into the Collective Consciousness and has been slowly replicating, like a virus (ha!). As each “cell” of the Collective Be-ing is overtaken by this force, the “new” replicates” and overtakes more “cells”. We are now infected with the “new” and, as each “cell” is changed, the entire system is “shocked”. Electric shock therapy comes to mind for some reason. Perhaps it has the same result as ECT, perhaps not. I think it has to do with the the individual and how ready they are to accept this change. If not ready, then what? I shudder to consider the possibilities of this.

But I digress…..my main reason for this post was to ponder my dreams and what was on my mind as I awoke.

Dream: Leaving the Movie Theater

I went to a movie (experience one is focused on) with my mom and early on decided to leave the theater. I went to a restaurant (seeking spiritual nourishment) and sat at a table with two men and a woman. What was odd is that I sat there telling them what to look for in a bad relationship. I specifically targeted one of the men who would say and do things to try and control his girlfriend. They were to be married and I was trying to help them avoid a difficult path. It was very obvious that the relationship was not a good one but no one there seemed to see that.

I left to return to the movie. I found my ticket stub and approached the ticket counter but my foot hit the low counter. I saw the ticket person was in a wheelchair (dependency on others). I apologized for kicking the counter, blaming my high heels (sexual expression). The woman took my ticket and I asked if the movie was still playing. She told me the movie playing was “Halloween” and not the one I had been watching with my mom. She motioned to the theater to her right so I went in that direction but found no entrance. So I stood and waited for my Mom to emerge, checking the time and being confused. It was during this time that my root chakra activated, buzzing extremely strongly and woke me up.

I fell back into the in-between where I had a conversation with my guidance. I remember specifically trying to manifest someone in the bed with me, imagining how it might feel to have a partner who was like me and who I could merge the physical and spiritual with. I wondered if it was possible? And if so, would I survive it? Was I even capable? I did get an answer – Yes. I fell asleep not long after.

Dream: To the Bank…um Grocery Store

Most of this dream occurred in the dark (the unknown, unseen). The first part I recall is discussing purchasing food. I was with a younger woman sitting at a computer (communication, information). She kept suggesting we visit this particular website I had never heard of, some kind of social media site. I finally asked her what age group generally visited the website. She said, “Twenty-somethings.” I said, “Well I’m 44 so that website isn’t for me.” Ultimately I ordered four items. I think it was fish or chicken, or both, but I can’t remember except that I saw a visual of meat.

Then I was talking to my son who was upset because no one noticed his new haircut (loss, defeat, lack of progress). I told him I would fix it and upon looking saw that he had a buzzcut but had long, shoulder-length hair hanging around the edges. I took scissors and trimmed it but he ended up looking like he had a bowl cut in the front. lol

Next, I was with my husband traveling in a car (life path) in the dark. I had four checks in my hands that were written to pay for the food I purchased. We arrived at the bank (resources) when it was still closed. They let us in and we waited in the lobby as the employees prepared to open. I remember browsing through essential oils and picked up one called “Pleasure”, put some on and decided to buy it. I remember sending my husband to buy the oil blend but then he left the bottle behind. I didn’t go get it since I has already put some oil on me.

When we finally paid for the food I remember noticing that three of the meats were white colored but the last was red like salmon. I was told the red meat was in fact Flamingo (maturity, security) meat. lol It was specifically for my husband.

As I was leaving the bank I came to the double glass doors where I saw a gentleman assisting an elderly woman with her grocery cart. I held the door for him as he was coming in and he looked me in the eyes and said, “Thank you.” The man walked back outside with me, though, and I said, “Oh, I didn’t know you were going out.” He smiled at me and said, “It is great to see you again.” I said, “Oh? I hardly ever come here.” He said, “Well, you come here more than she does (the woman he was helping).” The man was walking backwards as he said this so he could look me in the eyes. He was quite handsome with black hair and pale skin. His eyes were also dark and when he smiled I swear his Light chased away the darkness of the night.

Then our paths diverged but as I walked out in the parking lot looking for the car I kept running into him. I mentioned this and he would just laugh and remind me that he saw me often.

Eventually, I came to some parked cars but I couldn’t see anything. It was pitch black outside. I scooted between the front bumpers of two cars and ran into a dog (protection, guidance) on a leash (restraint). The dog jumped up on me and startled me. I looked down and saw a beautiful Golden Retriever (retrieve, gain control). It licked me and whined and I remember petting it.

At this moment a message was sent to me. It materialized in my mind. I heard a woman’s voice as I read the letter. It said that her four horses (wild, free nature, sexuality) had gotten out and she was worried because her two dogs were not with them. She said, “I know they could find their way home if the dogs were with them, but without the dogs I fear they will be lost.” I saw two beautiful Irish Setters and remember thinking, “Those are not herding dogs…” and thought they would likely kill the horses.

When I woke up a song verse was repeating in my head, but only part of it, “I hope you know, I hope you know….”

The Kundalini: Questions

After I woke, I remember talking with my guidance, asking them questions. I was thinking of all the times the K has risen. It seems that it is either while I am sleeping (this is most frequent) or it is initiated by another K-active person, masculine specifically. When I am asleep I encounter other worldly Beings – non-human entities as some call them – OR one of my guides initiates the K. Sometimes my guides and the non-human entities are one and the same.

I wanted to know, “Can I initiate the K on my own? Or do I need someone/something else to initiate it for me? Why was I told to ‘let him initiate’ when specifically in contact with K-active masculines (has only happened two times)? Is this because, as a woman, I am suppose to be passive? Will it always be that someone/something else has to initiate the K in me? Or can I do it myself?”

I was very much missing the K energy and attempted to get it to rise without success. I can get the energy to swirl and expand, but not from the root upward. When I focus, breathe and relax/surrender, the K will originate in my middle back and then expand in a circular fashion outward until it is bigger than my physical body. Then I can sit in this bliss for a while but it doesn’t go any further than that.

My experiences of being “initiated” are much different. The energy will move either from root to crown or from other areas down and up at the same time (usually my head/neck or heart). The energy is very electric and orgasmic, extremely intense and pleasurable, and when it reaches my crown I feel transported elsewhere where I become One with everything. When in this state of Oneness I sometimes sense another in my body with me, or at least that is what it feels like. It seems that there is another energy occupying the same space as me. The other energy has looked through my eyes but often it just sits there with me. I am not uncomfortable with it. Instead it feels natural, as if this other energy is part of me and always has been.

As I conversed with my guidance, the song kept going through my head, especially when I asked “Why?”

“I hope you know, I hope you know….this has nothing to do with you. It’s personal, I hope you know….”

So, maybe, my experiences with the K are unique; my own? Maybe I experience it as I do because it is what I need and how the K works for me? It is hard to know for sure without others’ experiences to compare it to.

What is interesting is that when I went online one of the first things I read was a post on FB by a K-active female friend. She described a K experience she had that was very similar to one of my own. It seemed not only to be a sync but also a response to my questioning – I am not alone nor are my experiences unlike other women’s, at least this friend’s experiences are similar.

I would like to hear from other females who are K-active. Do you find you have to be “initiated” for the K to rise? Or can you initiate it yourself while not in a dream or with a male energy around you?

The bliss episodes I experience are pleasant but the rising experiences are few and far between. I long to experience that Oneness more frequently. If I could be there all the time, I would. The erotic, pleasurable experiences are great, too, but I long to be One with All, to feel that expansiveness and everything that goes with it.

Let Them Eat Cake

Strange dreams lately and they go all night long. Yet none of them seem significant really. It is more like I am doing “work” of some kind that I am not suppose to consciously know about. Or maybe I am visiting other lives in other dimensions parallel to this one?

Some examples:

Dream of washed out bridge and high flood waters. I only recall bits and pieces. I was with a group and we were to travel across this bridge and along this particular road. Where we are going is unknown. Information is presented to the group that a huge flood has wiped out the bridge and the flood waters are still high and turbulent. When we get to the bridge it is very dangerous to try to cross. There are no paths around and going through or over is particularly high risk. What I recall most vividly is seeing a large, concrete bridge poking out of flood waters that are a yucky, puke brown color. The water is swirling and frothing and very turbulent as it forms eddies and whirlpools around the bridge. 

Interpretation – bridges symbolize change, connecting points to make progress towards something. This bridge collapses under the pressure of flood waters which symbolizes high emotion to the point of becoming destructive. Since the bridge collapses an opportunity to progress is missed or broken.

Dream of old couple’s house. I visited a couple living in a quaint house somewhere in the country. The location reminded me of North Dakota or somewhere with vast plains and farmlands. I recall that work was being done on the home inside and out. The inside was dirty with dishes in the sink and dust. Items needed to be moved and rearranged but otherwise all was in working order. Outside I remember being told to move a very large fence beam off to the side. I placed it alongside a road. The beam was almost the length of a football field yet I was easily able to move it. I remember walking along the side of the road and seeing various pillows tossed about. I asked the old man if he wanted them and he did so I told another man to go pick them up. The other man felt like an ex-convict yet he was helping so I didn’t judge him for his past. The old woman was also there but mainly to nod her approval of the process. The last thing I recall is talking to the woman about someone I know in this life. She told me he was in a relationship with a woman who was very negative and controlling and made sure no one visited without her prior knowledge. When I asked why he was with her, I was told that this woman tended to his needs. I saw a mental picture of her rubbing his back and soothing him, much like a mother would a son. I remember telling the old lady, “He wouldn’t even let me touch him.”

Interpretation – It seems that I am exploring a part of my past from another lifetime or perhaps a potential that never materialized. The house, or lifetime, is dirty and dusty which means neglected or forgotten. The fence, which symbolizes a barrier of some kind, is taken down, allowing me access. Pillows are comfort and being they are scattered about it likely means the comfort once felt has been scattered about, too. The discussion at the end is the summary of what the house scene represents. 

Dream of being in jail and pregnant. I remember that I was sentenced to time in prison. The prison was not like normal ones with bars and such. Instead it was quite low security with rooms more like a rehabilitation center. I remember going into a room with a group of other girls/women. The room had showers and seemed to be a place I visited often. I was given a number and went to a locker that was made of metal wire and see-through. Inside were people and I seemed to shrink down and become small to go into the locker to be with them. The next thing I recall is being told I was in labor. I don’t recall feeling pregnant really or feeling any labor pains but I was upset because I wanted my mother to be there during the process. I was told she couldn’t be and I would have to do it alone. This upset me very much and I began to cry and wail in protest. 

Interpretation – Jail symbolizes feeling stuck or trapped. Showers are healing. Lockers indicate I am seeking something lost or hidden. I shrink down which means I focus in on what is inside this hidden aspect. I find others, so likely my soul family who I travel with in this lifetime. I am pregnant, which symbolizes potential rebirth. News about my mother is upsetting which likely indicates that I feel I need guidance from my HS but it is not forthcoming. I am told I must do it alone (they won’t tell me what to do) which is always hard to hear but I hear it often. 

Dream of turbulent sea. This dream seemed to also take place in jail-type environment. I was young and with a group of others my age. We were in school learning and somehow ended up inside a book we were reading. I remember watching as well as being in the scenes. There was a vast, pitch black, turbulent sea. The waves were high and tossing us about. In the water there was this large, grid-like, black structure that moved through the water like it had stealth technology. It seemed like something was being explained to me but I only recall that the end result was positive. 

Interpretation – the sea usually symbolizes calmness and inner strength but since it is black (the unknown) and turbulent (high emotion) then it indicates upheaval. The grid-like structure reminds me of the grid-like, black liquid that I felt poured upon my energy body a couple of times now. It is always over my mid-section near my sacral. My guess is this dream represents a conversation about this healing work.


Upon waking this morning I was once again thinking of HD. Rather than be critical of myself for what might be weaknesses or drawbacks of my particular design, I embraced it. One thing I am usually really critical about is how much I dislike people in general and don’t want to be around them. I recognized that I do like to be around people but prefer the contact be distant such as when I go shopping or on walks. It is more personal, one-on-one interactions that I avoid. 

What is interesting is that when I woke up my friend had reacted to a comment I made in a FB message  yesterday. She waited until later to react which I find synchronistic. My friend is also a Projector like me so understands and can relate to much of my emotional response to life. This was my comment:

“I think the part that pisses me off the most about being a Projector is that we are completely Other-oriented and I really dislike other people in general and want them to all leave me alone (Generators at least). But I am a 2nd line and that goes with the territory.”

Her reaction was to laugh, which I can understand. I have even laughed about it! Yet the comment relays very accurately how I feel and have felt my entire life. 

When considering the comment and my feelings I understand that it is through my experiences as a Projector that I developed this emotional response to life and the general Generator majority. All the way through until my mid-thirties I felt a genuine desire to help whoever I could but now that desire has waned and grown almost completely non-existent. It is because of my failure to help that this occurred, or at least my consideration that I failed to help. My guides tell me otherwise. 

As early as my teens I wanted to get away from people and places with lots of people. High school was one such place and my entire high school only had about 100 students! But to me, that was way too many people because I sensed from the majority of my classmates a lack of genuineness. But the part that was really difficult to accept is that few were interested in changing that. I was lucky to have found a single friend who was open to what I had to offer but our senior year she drifted away leaving me alone. I was okay with that because I knew my friend well enough to know it was a phase and by that time I saw freedom ahead, freedom from the close-minded, sleepwalking majority (or so I thought).

When I ended up in Montana I soon realized that less populated places didn’t ease my misery. It wasn’t the number of people that was the problem, it was the quality of people. My move to Alaska proved that and then some and I hightailed it back to Texas.

Embracing the fact that people were not the issue, I tried to use my gifts to help with mixed success. I still found myself both alone and not alone at the same time. Part of me loved the alone time while another part craved a significant partner and small group of like-minded friends. It was a miserable place to be and I still experience this internal split to this day. 

And no matter how hard I tried, it seemed my “help” was not wanted. I went unheard, ignored or ostracized. The only time someone wanted to hear me was when they were getting predictions of their future. People would flock to me in that regard. “Tell me what will happen”, “Tell me what to do”, “Tell me….” to the point that their words repeated with such regularity that I began to despair. The answers I gave were always the same – “Your future is what you make it. You have free-will. You already Know, just Look.” No one wanted to hear that, though, did they? They still don’t. Sigh. 

As a 6/2, Self-Projected Projector, I can feel when my messages are accepted and when they are not. The minute, no the second, the other hears something they don’t want to hear, I might as well be on mute. My words do not hit home. They are lost in the wind. 

Most of the time, the Other wants to babble on about things that really don’t matter, things they have been conditioned to talk about, things they feel have been done to them (victim mentality), plans they have, material things they want, or complaints and excuses. This list goes on. They don’t realize I can see into them, to their core, and I know when they are using words/communication to fill that uncomfortable space. I know the truth behind the words. I sense the insecurity underneath. The desire to be accepted. Their hesitancy to speak their truth and the reasons behind it. And the more I sit and listen to this babbling, the more uncomfortable I get. Their energy is actually painful after a while. I feel sucked dry of my energy to the point that if I don’t get away I might pass out right then and there.

When I am around people who are talking via their Not-Self (most people) I literally can’t physically stand it for long. When I was younger I felt this, too, but I thought something was wrong with me so I made myself follow the “rules” and pleasantries only to later feel resentment (bitter). Why? They just don’t want to hear me, I mean really HEAR me, because to do that means they have to hear themselves. 

So now, nearing my mid-forties, I honestly do not like nor want to be around other people. I am certain now, though, that “most” people are the Generators of the world. I understand that the reason I am not driven to use my gifts “to help” is the result of so many failures to really get through to others. Sure, I help by telling them what I see for their future, but that is so superficial, so pointless really. If no real perception shift was created by my time with them, then, to me, I failed.

So I say, “What’s the point? Let them eat cake.” 

I only use that quote because it is what popped into my head. Yet at the same time I realize it is true, but not because I feel that I am better somehow than everyone else. No. Because “cake” symbolizes extravagance, indulgence…..everything that is materialism. Others are so distracted by the material and it is the reason they refuse to hear, to Know, to See, to confront the illusion. 

From what I’ve read about Projectors like me (6/2 Self-Projected), we are meant to be optimists, to see humanity’s possibilities despite the great many negatives inundating the world today. I don’t think that will ever be me. I try to be a realist but tend mostly towards pessimism. The difference is realists look for creative solutions while pessimists have just given up. Perhaps something will change before I die but I will not hold my breathe. Humanity as it is, in my opinion, is doomed to self-destruct. The most I can hope for is that I find at least one other like me who I can hold onto, confide in, be my true Self with, to live out the rest of my years with. 

Image source

HD: More on the Centers

Woke up this morning thinking about all my undefined and completely open centers. Honestly, it is very disheartening and making me a little depressed. lol I understand there is a reason for this and so I just suck it up and try not to think about it too much, but life has a way of pointing me back to this situation I have put myself in this lifetime. WTF Higher Self? It’s hard enough to live on this dang messed up Earth as a human but then to put me in a position where my aura is open to pretty much every kind of conditioning from other messed up humans, well it just isn’t fair!

Let’s look at my BodyGraph again and then I’ll go through each center – defined, undefined and open – so you can see what I mean.

Starting from the top:

Head Center – Mental pressure and inspiration; questions, doubts and confusion.

Defined – consistent mental pressure to ask and answer questions, grasp and understand things to include consciousness, fixed way of thinking, easy to inspire others and be inspired but not always able to act on it.
Undefined – inconsistent patterns of thinking, thinks of things that don’t matter, gets lost in self-talk/negative self-talk of the Not-Self.
Open – same as undefined plus unable to recognize when something is inspiring or interesting, they don’t know what to think about or what matters and doesn’t or why.

My Head Center is completely OPEN. I have never been truly inspired and never will be. Everything and everyone feels the same to me. I might find interest temporarily in something but it is usually borrowed from someone near me. I am a jack of all trades type person. All subjects in school were equal to me. I had no real favorite. If someone asked me, “What is your favorite subject?” I wouldn’t know how to answer. I have always been aware of my inability to find things interesting or inspiring and saw/see it as a defect. Why can’t I find inspiration in something? I am easily bored as a result. I don’t consistently stay with hobbies or interests. If I do, it is because the hobby or interest is agreed upon or needed by another; meaning it HELPS others. Or I do things to stay busy and keep my mind quiet. Exercise does this very well.

So sad and depressing to be the person who is boring and bored. Sigh. Yet I can pretend to have interest very well. I have learned over time how to do this. If I say I am inspired/interested it is actually because you are.

Anja Center – Mental consciousness; conceptualizing, interpreting answers or opinions, concepts and theories.

Defined – consistent conceptualization; they can conceptualize, inspire and pressure others to think; they are not easily influenced by others; they condition the mental field and the people in their aura; their minds are always ‘on’ and they find meditation difficult because they can’t stop or control their mental activity but at the same time they enjoy it.
Undefined – have an open and flexible mind, can deeply contemplate and discover the world through their intellectual gifts, ideas seem to come from “nowhere”; they pretend to be certain when they are not; they tend to pick up thoughts of others; their mind is a playground.
Open – don’t know what to think or how to interpret things; tend to feel hopeless and anxious; can find pleasure in contemplation without becoming attached to anything.

My Anja center is undefined. When the Anja is undefined so will the Head be undefined. My experiences are consistent with the description above. I can get lost in my contemplation of things. This is my never-ending thought-stream experience. I am great at being certain even though I am not. lol I get lost in my mind, my imagination and dreams. “Playground” is a great description of my mind. So far, my open Anja is a blessing.

Throat Center – Communication and manifestation; metamorphosis and transformation through interaction with the world.

Defined – if this center is connected to a motor then one can always manifest and tend to be impulsive or talk too much/not enough; if not connected to a motor then the throat speaks from the center it is connected to; overall it transmutes and directs information based upon the centers it is connected to.
Undefined – tries to attract attention; afraid of not being noticed; can become fearful of opening their mouths from years of saying the wrong things; spend lots of energy trying to figure out what to say but they cannot plan what they say with any consistency.
Open – this is rare but when it happens the person has no idea what to say or when to say it/act; tends to have delayed speech as a child, interrupts others and is easily ignored.

My Throat is defined and connected to my G-center. For me, this means I tend to speak my truth and the truth of others. I am naturally a channel. Speaking truth comes naturally and I really shine when invited by others to share my truth. I experience fulfillment through my voice but only when the other is open to receiving.

G Center – Love, identity and direction; seat of the Magnetic Monopole or Higher Self.

Defined – have a fixed and reliable self-identity, sense of being loved and loveable; they can love without becoming dependent; sense of direction and mission.
Undefined – they don’t know who they are; can fit in anywhere and be anyone; adaptable; need stable relationships to form concept of Self; tends to attract others who are complete opposite to them; they sample life paths, taking on the path of others until they find the right one.
Open – no clear personality parameters; uncertain and need others to affirm they are loveable; tend to run to others for direction.

My G-Center is defined. The most true part of the description above for me is that I do not become dependent in relationships. SO true! I can take them or leave them. I am fine to stand on my own two feet while it is often those I am in relationships with become dependent upon me. I have not always felt loveable but the key word is “consistent” here, so yes, I have always had a consistent sense of what love is and what it is to be loved.

Sacral Center – Power of fertility; vital energy, responsibility, availability, sexuality.

Defined – an enormous source of power; of most importance is finding their personal expression and satisfaction through work; the source of a Generator’s power; need to learn to trust the response of the Sacral, when it says “yes”, do it, when it says “no”, don’t do it.
Undefined – subject to elevated energy levels but are not equipped to handle it; tend to feel like slaves to others; need to rest when they feel tired but often do not; no consistent boundaries; can become obsessed with sex or just mildly curious.
Open – energy feels scattered; drawn to one thing then another and another; waits for exhaustion to overwhelm them before they rest.

As a Projector, I have an undefined Sacral. I have not had too much issue with taking in more energy than I can handle, at least not until I had 3 children. When I had child #3 I started to have to drop things from my life one-by-one in order to “free” myself (full-time work was first to go!). What I later learned is that I was not allowing myself to rest enough and so holding onto all the excess energy became too much. I got irritable mostly. I laugh about the “slave” part of the description. I haven’t used that word but I do still often say to my husband and family, “I am NOT your maid!” lol I often feel like everyone wants something from me. I give, give, give but eventually have nothing left to give. Yet my family still wants more! So I have learned to stop when I have nothing left, retreat and rest, communicate my needs and set boundaries.

Root Center – Physical adrenalized pressure; to sustain momentum for living, stress.

Defined – has a fixed and reliable method of dealing with stress; the root is defined to three centers – Sacral, Spleen and Solar Plexus – and the energy if formatted via one of these centers.
Undefined – absorbs stress from the environment; always trying to rid themselves of the pressure but more pressure come in to take its place; always in a hurry to get things done; can become hyper or restless from taking on pressure from those around them with defined Roots.
Open – operate unconsciously and hurriedly through life; are on auto-pilot; tend to get into accidents or have panic attacks. At the worse they lose their joy of being alive.

My Root is undefined. I am very familiar with the “pressure” feeling. It is hard to describe but it is like a “push” from within that says, “You need to do this now.” If I follow it I do end up very busy all day because once one thing is done, another needs to be done. Now I just tell myself, “There is no rush” and the pressure abates. I have learned to “leave it alone”. I let the house stay dirty. I ignore the dishes in the sink. I do things when I feel like doing them; when I am rested and able. Pro – I am rarely late and don’t procrastinate. 😉

The theme song for the undefined Root Center LOL:

Splenic Center – Body consciousness; full existential living, spontaneity, heath and well-being, value, immune system.

Defined – follow their instinct/intuition; alert and protected with a strong immune system; can project a sense of well-being to others; have a strong sense of existential awareness (listen to their body).
Undefined – fears are easily magnified; feel ill-equipped to survive in this world; need defined Spleenics around them to feel safe and secure; they hold onto or stay in relationships far too long, even when no longer good for them; they often feel rejected or struggle with abandonment issues; can become dependent in unhealthy ways; need to not be spontaneous but they are attracted to spontaneity.
Open – they do not know what to be afraid of and become insecure and fearful of everything; can become fearless to the point of doing risky things.

My Spleen is undefined. I do struggle with feeling safe. I think the “big, bad world” will get me all the time. lol I have had anxiety attacks because of feeling this way. I tend to stay in relationships and jobs even when they are detrimental to me. I do this out of fear of losing the security these things give me. I do often want to be spontaneous and am attracted to others who are this way but have learned to wait when it comes to the bigger spontaneous choices I may want to make. No more last-minute road trips or leaving a job before thinking it through!

Solar Plexus Center – Spirit consciousness; emotional and social awareness, passion and desire, abundance of spirit, feelings, moods, sensitivity.

Defined – know to wait through the ups and downs before making decisions but it is not easy to be patient; feelings are indicators of what to do and they are aware of the emotional cycles they go through; depth of emotion can be cultivated on any topic.
Undefined – absorbs and amplifies the emotion present in their environment (empath); can easily end up identifying with emotions that are not their own; feel emotionally out of control; tend to tip-toe around others so as to not upset them.
Open – cannot filter or connect to incoming emotional energy; tend to be confused by what they feel and don’t know how to interpret it; they don’t know what to desire, when to be sensitive or passionate or how to deal with the moods of others; often feel something is wrong with them emotionally.

I have a completely OPEN Solar Plexus. When I was young I thought something was emotionally “off” with me. I didn’t know how to process all the emotion I was feeling. I struggled to define the emotions or cope. I often felt and still feel very emotionally flat, disconnected and unsympathetic to others’ needs. In the past I have thought this meant I was a sociopath or maybe a narcissist. I know now this is not true. The emotion was just overwhelming and I shut down and compartmentalized it all to protect myself. I do not typically tip-toe around others, though, especially if I know them well and feel comfortable around them.

Heart Center – Willpower; ego and the material world.

Defined – like to be in control of their life and resources; can recognize one’s own value and tend to inflate it; make and keep promises; like to be their own boss; naturally competitive; know their own strength.
Undefined – not designed to be willful or competitive but often feel driven to find the courage to be this way; do not have the consistent energy to keep promises or persevere (willpower); tend to be over-acheivers as they try to prove themselves and try to be worthy; their lack of worth often leads to acceptance of much less than they deserve.
Open – do not know what worthiness is or feels like; waver between exaggerate self-worth and complete worthlessness; can be easily manipulated (naive) and controlled by others who promise them worthines.

My Heart Center is completely OPEN. I have had all of the experiences related to undefined and open listed above. However, when I make a promise, I tend to keep it BUT when I don’t keep a promise I am very hard on myself and/or make excuses. I have also come to make promises using specific wording so that I give myself room to fail. lol The “proving myself” theme is never-ending. Is is exhausting and I have to work hard on my self-talk in this regard. I am not there yet. I struggle with feeling good enough – pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, etc. I have always been self-conscious of my body, my looks, my face (skin specifically), hair, height, body type, etc. If it has to do with appearance I struggle with it. Somewhere along the way I was conditioned into thinking those who look good, who are pretty enough, will be accepted and loved while those who aren’t will be rejected. So messed up, right?

Waiting for the Call

Since my Kundalini dream last week, not much else has happened. The K has been quiet and dreams have been strange if recalled but mostly forgotten. I have had some interesting messages from the Universe that have come in various ways all seeming to add up to one complete message that I am not completely open to hearing. 

First, I have been less resistant the last couple of days. In general the energy seemed to be lighter and I was more go-with-the-flow than I have been in a while. Sleep was generally very good and solid and the normal day-to-day problems I tend to focus on or mull over were just not worth my time.

Then, yesterday, on my morning walk, I was thinking of our ski trip to Montana the week after Christmas and going through a mental list of things we still need. One thing I realized was a must have was Chapstick. Lips tend to get very chapped when temperatures are below freezing all the time. I remember thinking, “I need to get some Chapstick.” With that thought I put my attention on the parking lot ahead of me and my dog, Monty. That is when I saw very clearly a tube of Chapstick laying directly in my path. When I inspected it I saw it was brand new, unopened and still sealed. It was even the kind I usually get for the kids – cherry flavored! I laughed and thanked the Universe for the gift.

The rest of the day was good. We put up our Christmas tree and then me, my husband and the boys went to a nearby hiking trail for an evening hike with the dog. The Fall colors were beautiful in the light of the setting sun! The air was brisk but not too cold and there weren’t too many people out and about. I took some great photos. I somehow caught a perfect image of my own shadow in one picture, which felt significant to me. It is as if my HS is saying, “Here I AM. Pay attention. Listen.” 

Toward the end, as I walked ahead of everyone, I heard two owls (wisdom, inner guidance) hooting to each other. I couldn’t find them in the trees but they were very chatty. 

As we drove home we came across a small group of deer (guidance, resilience, change) running through a parking lot (lack of movement in life). 

My husband and boys decided to go to a movie after we got home. I snuggled up in bed with my cup of tea and zoned out watching two episodes of The 100 before doing my nightly meditation. This is when all the messages I pushed away purposefully from the day came back in spurts. It felt like my guidance was tapping on my shoulder very gently asking me to please pay attention. Some of the messages that came through included: 

A thought that the things I nitpick and get irritated about in my day-to-day life are not important and that, someday, I will look back and regret how I behaved because it was not from a place of love. Memories of other times this has happened came into my mind and I remember knowing I should listen but my Not-Self came back with the thought –  it is pointless to change because I always fail when I try.

A sense that change is coming. There was a presence all around me that felt to be pressing upon me with a feeling of “get ready”. 

My mind went back to an email I received earlier that day. The title was, “Comfort zones are where dreams and goals go to die.” My thought to this was, “I like being wrapped up in my comfort zone, safe to the point of boredom. It is better than the alternative, the uncertainty and the unknown.” After this thought I thought, “I don’t even know what my dreams and goals are anymore.” Then, feeling and Knowing excuses were pointless in the face of my guidance/HS, I asked, “Fine. What should I change?” I knew it was almost everything. 

Then the song returned that had come to me before as a message – “It’s time to be a big girl now, and big girls don’t cry.” 

The messages were received but I purposefully pushed them out of my mind. In doing this I was asked why I might not want to hear. I knew there was more than one reason. First, I struggle to grab onto any hope that there might be something ahead to look forward to. If I hope and things don’t turn out how I hope they will, I feel sorely disappointed. Then there was the fear of stepping into the unknown. Always fear of the unknown.


I had several interesting dreams. Sadly, only fragments remain. 

In one more vivid dream, I was flying over a vast, crystal clear lake. Alongside me was a drone. I could hear the buzzing of its little motor. The drone spoke to me, asking me to follow it. Below, a small boat came into view and I knew the operator of the drone was on that boat. I could see a man fishing from the boat. I was told to go to a large rock so I did. I landed on top and looked around. The lake seemed to stretch for miles all around, its water a vivid, aqua blue. I could see everything that was under the clear water. There were fish of all kinds. Many looked tropical while still others looked like fish from a coral reef. The water was very deep yet I could see the rocks of the bottom as if they were just a couple of feet below. Then I heard someone call to me. I turned to look and saw three young men on the mainland. They wanted to come to my tiny rock island. I told them to be careful because the distance between my island and the mainland was far. I saw one young man jump and feared he would fall but he landed with ease next to me. I am pretty sure he floated across. When he landed I saw he was a good two feet taller than me. He asked me about the fishing and I told him about how the fish seemed like those from an aquarium and a coral reef. I didn’t think they would be good to catch and eat.

In another dream I was in a house with a small group. One was a medium and there was discussion about my gifts as a medium. I remember telling those in the group that I was not very good at what I did, at least not good enough to make a living doing it. I gave many reasons why I could not and would not try again. Throughout this I watched this man who was a trance medium. He had with him an older woman with red hair. There was much talk about this man was at what he did. I watched him do his work and saw how good he was. I felt completely unable to be anything like him. I was told my way was not his way, my gifts were not his. I remember receiving encouragement and support but I would not believe. My self-doubt was strong. At some point I remember a male voice very clearly say to me, “Don’t be afraid.” As I heard this a very strong energy came in and filled my entire head and began to migrate down. I could feel and hear the vibration of this energy. It was very familiar and though I was not afraid, I did startle awake instantly. 


I am not sure why I didn’t realize I was OOB in the first dream. It was obvious to me when I awoke, though. The dream imagery was very vivid as was the feeling of my astral body and the clarity of my perception. It felt to me like I had entered an astral landscape. It was a place where flying was normal yet I did not realize this fully. The clear lake is symbolic of my inner world being cleared to make ready for making change in my waking reality. The fish represent choice and fishing represents making that choice. I “fish” for the next opportunity but am hesitant to make that choice. I am on an island which symbolizes feeling isolated, alone and trapped. The fact that the distance between the mainland and island appears far but really isn’t symbolizes that things are not as they seem. 

My sense of the second dream is that it represents a conversation between myself and my Team of guides. Recently I was asked if I would consider returning to previous “work”, work of a spiritual nature. The idea of trance mediumship came up as an option and I told my guidance I was not opposed to it because I feel I am capable, especially after experiencing several unintended instances of it. So the second dream appears to be a continuation of this conversation and the energy I felt toward the end was likely a practice attempt but I awoke and interrupted it. 

When combined, the messages and dreams indicate preparation for something up and coming, a change of some kind. The way I responded indicates my preparedness. While a part of me is ready, another is unwilling to take risks, afraid of and pessimistic about the future. As I contemplate all of this, I feel I am ready for change but don’t want to go it alone. The lack of support and direction is what holds me back. I just don’t have a solid Knowing or Call in any one direction. I am just waiting for the Call.

Kundalini Dream: Old Man

It has been a very long time since the Kundalini has visited me and it seems that other spiritual experiences are few and far between these days, also. However, I suspect this may be soon to change as we near the end of 2020. I hope I am right!

Last night, as I lay in bed doing my nightly breathing meditation (33 breaths with hands held in prayer position), my guidance was close. I was asking if I would ever feel what I have felt in the past – the heart connection and the Kundalini rising in conjunction with the connection with another; Union. I was feeling pessimistic but also there was a part of me that was accepting and Knowing. My guidance reassured me that I should not lose hope and keep on believing. I started to doubt it was my guidance telling me this when I began to feel energy building in my spine just beneath my rib cage. It was in the form of a ball and swirled warmly as it grew in diameter. The more I fell into the bliss of it and tuned into my guidance and Knowing, the more the energy expanded and filled me. It was subtly beautiful, warm and comforting. I usually call it an energy hug or blanket because of how safe and loved it makes me feel. 

I began to wonder about some things as I drifted to sleep. One of the thoughts I had was about Human Design and the undefined root chakra. When the root is undefined it makes a person feel pressure to get things done. They try tirelessly to relieve the pressure only to have another pressure take its place. It makes rush to get things done. It makes them feel frantic because nothing alleviates the pressure. I know the feeling well as I have had it my whole life. Yet now when I feel it I remind myself that I don’t have to hurry and that whatever it is can wait or not be done at all and the pressure disappears. I have somehow managed to allow and flow with the energy of the root. I recall observing my Mom rushing about all her life. She has an undefined root. I have also seen my husband do this (all the time) but I don’t have his chart so I can only speculate. My guess is my sister, who is always late, has a defined root, and my daughter, too, because they tend to procrastinate. 

I also thought of what it might be like when two people merge here in the physical. These were my last thoughts before I drifted into sleep.

Kundalini Dream – Old Man

I woke at around 3am with a half stopped up nose that made my other nostril hurt. I had to stay standing a while to clear the half that was clogged and then managed to fall back to sleep. The last things I was thinking about were my marriage. 

The dream sequence is broken, leaving me unsure of what happened first and last, so I am guessing as to how it proceeded. The most prominent part of the dream is that I was with small a group of people outside. The area was unfamiliar. I could see a plain of tall, dry grass (discomfort and loneliness) and a large river (the flow of life). Yet at other times I swear I was in my Mom’s house a place I spent half of my childhood years. 

At my Mom’s house there was an older man with white hair and a prominent pot belly. He handed me a paper with a job description on it. I read the job description which included a list of foods to be purchased. For some reason I became upset at the prospect of a job that was beneath me and paid so little. I told a person who was there with us that I wasn’t going to take a job that paid so little and was a service-oriented job similar to a maid or live-in housekeeper and cook. I remember saying that I deserved to be paid at least $20/hour, actually more and I was adamant about it. 

Then I was standing outside near the river. A house was nearby but it was old. I could see into it because the beams were exposed with some leaning in and others already fallen. Someone pointed up so I looked and I saw what appeared to be a tiny space craft. Someone said, “Oh look. It’s our drone.” I realized it was a drone (learning through observing) and watched it circle around as if spying on us. 

For some reason I was asked a series of questions about the old man. I don’t remember them all but do recall saying that I liked his energy and felt drawn to him.

Then I was standing right next to him, my left side touching his right, looking into the depths of the dilapidated house. I remember looking over at the old man and being acutely aware of how our energies mingled. Down in the basement (subconscious, unknown) I could see wooden pillars on cement blocks. The space was almost entirely opened up in the back where I could clearly see the river. I remember commenting on the river’s proximity and knowing it was meant to be that way. Someone asked me how I felt about the old man. Would I consider him as a partner? I considered his age and his physical state – he had a large pot belly and probably in his 60’s. I took note of this but his energy was so attractive that I said I wouldn’t mind being with him.

The next thing I recall is sitting at a table. Across from me sat a young man and to his right was the old man. The young man was highly energetic and for some reason he decided to switch seats with the old man so that the old man was sitting directly across from me. 

The dream is blurry here as I seemed to switch scenes going from the table to my old bedroom. In the bedroom scene I was in bed and to my left my daughter sat at a desk typing on a computer. I also remember shifting between my bed and the other areas of my Mom’s house. I recall the old man was visiting the house and that he played music. I also remember he was quite odd and quirky and was about to leave on a trip. My husband was there and chatting with the old man. All I remember is that I watched the old man closely, recognizing his energy and wanting to be close to him. In the bedroom scene my daughter stole my computer’s hard drive and battery so that when I tried to use it the keyboard was missing.

Back in the main part of the house, the old man was preparing to leave. He mentioned something about Kentucky and traveling. I briefly saw a map, one I’ve seen before from a dream where I visited Georgia. I remember my daughter was there and said something about a baby (new life, new beginnings, hope) and the time frame of a week. The old man said it would take more than a week and I heard the date of the 25th which made me think of Christmas.

I don’t remember how but the next thing I recall is the old man standing behind me and I began to gain lucidity. His mere presence sparked the K and it began to rise up in an intoxicating way. The higher it went the more lucid I became until it suddenly stopped mid-way, around my solar plexus. It lingered there, filling me up and expanding. I remember that at some point the man and I embraced and I could feel his large abdomen pressing against me. Eventually I woke up but the energy lingered for a while and I lay there breathless wanting badly to return to sleep so that it could continue to rise. 

Music Message

As I drifted in and out of the in-between a song was going through my head – Coldplay X&Y. The specific part was, “You are me are floating on a tidal wave together…you and me are drifting into outer space.” 

I kept feeling energy in my head, specifically near the crown and third-eye. It was light, not heavy. The energy was inviting, asking me to surrender to it, but I couldn’t get my mind to stop. I wanted to remember the dream experience. I wanted to relish the lingering bliss. I knew that my resistance was keeping me from something. It was as if my guidance wanted to show me more and was beckoning to me. 

The entire time the Coldplay song is still going through my head. Pieces of it repeat – “I know something is broken and I’m trying to fix it, trying to repair it anyway I can….”

I know I fell back to sleep and had more dreams but they are blurry and I think they blended with my dream memory. I believe this is when the split scene of me in bed and then in my Mom’s house occurred but I can’t be certain. There was no memory to my computer in this scene and I was trying to write down my dream account. lol

When I woke I had a thought about the pillars in the basement and the scene where I was sitting across from the old man. These reminded me of a previous Kundalini dream from September this year where I was shown an image of pillars falling in on one another. Perhaps the meaning of the fallen pillars in the basement is an indication that I am in the midst of the chaos depicted in that dream? A chaos that was in fact an organized destruction. All of it leading up to the inner Union of masculine and feminine.

I am hoping that the dream message about the 1 week and the 25th has to do with something up and coming related to the Kundalini. I so miss these Kundalini experiences and would love to have them more often.

Post Image – Missouri River, Montana