Stressed Out

My sister is in the Heart Hospital in Austin now waiting to see if they will do the surgery she needs. Her husband checked her out of the other hospital because they were not helping her. He was going to drive her to Houston but she was feeling bad and so they cut their journey short. Her chest was hurting her and her fever was coming back.

When I last spoke to her she was feeling good and hopeful to finally get the care she needs. Her cardiologist took the time to hear her story and told her under no circumstances should she check herself out of the hospital again. She said he told her, “You need to get this fixed now.”

Too Much Stress

The stress of my life right now is beginning to manifest physically, emotionally and spiritually. The itchy eczema spots continue to drive me crazy and are not going away. I fear I may need to get a prescription to nip them in the bud.

Yesterday the stress of everything hit me hard. My energy was nearly gone. Regular daily tasks “hurt” to do and I began to lose my voice. It is rare that I lose my voice. It only happens when my stress levels reach a critical high. Not good!

Spiritually my dreams are getting really weird. Two nights about, about an hour or so after falling asleep, I had this odd OBE type experience where I perceived someone was trying to take over my body while I slept. This reminded me of another incident when a woman in spirit attempted to come into my body and take over while I was still in it. So I quickly rushed back into my sleeping body and woke suddenly, heart pounding with a pain in my stomach like IBS.

Earlier this week I had another incident where I woke up in a panic, too, heart pounding thinking I was going to die. I can’t recall the specifics of that incident anymore but I think it was similar to the above.

I had a dream last night where I saw a doe laying on the ground breathing and moving slightly. When I went to investigate the head was separated and being dragged away by someone/something. The head was also moving as if still alive. It was creepy. My feeling is that it represents how I have been feeling lately – disconnected from my feminine, nurturing side and from my family/domestic life.

In another dream I was unable to call my husband and spent most of the dream trying to contact him via other people’s phones. Phones are communication so I must be feeling out of communication with my husband, which does make sense.

My Nephew

As a favor to my Mom and sister, I took my nephew in over the weekend. The intent was for him to stay for a week or more to give my Mom a break, but that is not how it turned out.

The first day I had my nephew I realized there may be a glitch in my plan. As the day progressed, my nephew began to wear out my two boys with his constant movement. He rarely if ever stops moving. He reminds me of a ping pong ball with all the changes in direction he makes. His energy is erratic, like he has a near compulsion to move all the time. The feeling of it is hard to describe. I feel it in my core and it is not comfortable. I don’t think I have ever felt something like it except when very unbalanced and mentally pulled in many directions by life. My mind is chaotic so much so that I have to go for a long walk, take epsom salt baths and breathe deeply to get the feeling to settle but even that feeling doesn’t come close to what I feel from my nephew. 

My husband was working all day on engineering drawings for an addition to the office space at work so he didn’t really have time to notice the energy. However, when I told him my nephew had asked to go back my Mom’s because my sons were not playing with him non-stop he mentioned the energy in our house was feeling “off”. I nodded and said, “It’s him (my nephew). He just can’t stop moving and he is wearing us all out.” My husband confirmed he thought I was right and pulled my nephew in for a talk to him to see if he could get any info out of him. He asked him several times how he felt. His response was just, “Good.” The more questions my husband asked him, the more he began to twitch from standing still. His eyes would go to all different places, his hands would move, his mannerism was discomfort, his attention was elsewhere. 

My sense is that he is not fully in his body. 

I spoke to my Mom about my observations, told him my sister told me would would settle down after a while and asked, “Does he settle down?” My Mom said, “Not really.” We compared notes and when I said, “When he stops moving he either starts to fall asleep or he is eating.” My Mom laughed and said, “Yep!” I questioned how they handled him at school. She said they likely have him occupied with many things, using stations and scheduling all movements, directing him and focusing his hyperactivity. She told me her solution was to buy him the Minecraft game so that he would stop moving and give her a break. I relayed to her that computer games didn’t work when he was with me. He still jumped up and changed directions, moving from one play scenario to another, usually mid-play.

I have to admit I was relieved to drop off my nephew at my Mom’s house. When I got home I was finally able to rest. The strange energy was gone and my eldest son even mentioned how different it felt when we got home. This morning my voice has returned and I feel much more relaxed and calm.

I now know I cannot manage my sister’s child long-term. It would sap my energy and focus most if not all of my attention on him, placing my own children in second. He most definitely needs intensive counseling of some type and his school will likely recommend he see a child specialist to see if he has ADHD if he continues this behavior into first and second grade. My husband would not allow for a diagnosis of ADHD because he, like me, believes those labels are mostly meant to help those around the child more than the child. They don’t target the underlying cause. I tend to agree and though I want to help my nephew, I just don’t have the energy to help him and am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with my own children or my own health (mental, physical, etc). 

So hopefully I can just take him for a day or two here and there (weekends mainly) to give my Mom a break while my sister goes through her healing journey. Hopefully she does heal and things can move toward healing of everyone in her family. It not, and it ends up that someone has to take Landon long-term, I have to say no to being the one to do that. 

Right now my Mom is the one who will take my sister into her home while she recovers from her surgery (if she gets one) and it is likely Landon will be there, too. Maybe my Mom can somehow figure out how to help him. IDK. I just have to leave it to God I guess.

Message: All You Have to Do is Show Up

Yesterday was a rough day. When I woke up I was emotional and broke down into tears a couple of times over some personal struggles I have been experiencing.

On my morning walk I tried to process my overwhelm without success. Toward the end I spotted something on the side of the road. I picked it up. It was a cell phone someone had tossed. The front screen was cracked and the back panel was missing. The battery was still in tact. My first thought was, “Broken communication”. I took it inside and let my daughter try to see if it could be salvaged. It couldn’t.

Not long after my mom forwarded me a message she received from my BIL concerning my sister:

This is what’s about to happen. Today the doctor from infectious disease is going to call me and let me know if any other hospital has accepted her [my sister]. If none has I’m taking her out of the hospital and driving her to St. Luke’s in Houston. The doctor told me this as a friend he said cause he could lose his license for telling me that. He told me her valve could go at anytime and he said the hardheaded cardio doctor was wrong in not doing the surgery. He said they have the Staff at bay for now but her valve is so weak it could quit at anytime. What I think we will do is take her out and they will prescribe her the antibiotics she needs and I’ll take her home. Cause she misses [her son] so much. Let her see [him] for a day and then drive to Houston. I need you to keep him while we are in Houston. Do you understand everything I’ve said? Cause if we don’t get her surgery done immediately she only has days to live.

I immediately replied to my mom. She asked me to take my nephew for her when the time comes. I agreed. I asked her if she wanted me to come over, just to be present for her. She said she was laying face down on the floor, devastated over the news but she didn’t ask for me to come. I knew it was because she had her husband for help but also because my presence would likely cause her to be unable to contain her emotion.

The entire day was a rough one as I felt the overwhelm of carrying all the weight of what has been going on in my world. The events of 2014 came to mind and I questioned why it had to happen “all at once” like this?

I have a strong desire to return to my family’s land; to return to what I recognize now is my “safe place”. In fact, I just asked my mom the day before the above news if I could begin building a small home on her land so I could have a place to escape to. She eagerly agreed and seemed happy to accommodate my needs. When I realized she supported whatever I wanted to do I felt near tears with relief. I didn’t understand my reaction at the time. I do now. My wish to escape to my safe place indicates just how small and insignificant I have been feeling lately.

Today, the desire to escape has lessened some as I slowly begin to accept what I feel is coming. When I awoke this morning the memory of a previous dream was on my mind. The dream was called May Day and at the time I thought it may be indicative of something happening on May 1st. I realize now it was about needing help – as in Mayday.

As I reviewed the May Day dream I saw a connection to something that happened this morning. As I was lingering in bed in the in-between I was telling someone, “Two pizzas at once….” A visual of two pizzas was in my mind and at the same time I hear myself say over myself, “Twin.” The feeling I had was of being “full” like one would feel if they ate a whole lot.

In the May Day dream there was a whole section about pizza. I don’t think that is coincidence. In the dream I didn’t have enough pizza to give to all the children. My feeling is that this indicates that I feel unprepared, that my giving all of myself is not enough.

My sister was planning a wedding in the dream. To me this is symbolic of Union with Self which in physical reality terms can be likened to death, or leaving the body and returning Home where Union with Self then occurs. When I thought of this part of the dream this morning I knew that if my sister decides to leave this world she will do so without warning. One minute she will be here and the next she won’t. A part of me saw this as selfish. Doesn’t she care about Mom? Her son? But another understood that her path is her own to choose. If I were given the same choice under similar circumstances I would choose to go Home, too.

Physically I am once again experiencing eczema only this time it is over a much larger portion of my body. I am super itchy and it is annoying. My stress levels have been high and I only get eczema when I am super stressed out.

The messages coming from my guidance throughout this year suggest some major life changes approaching. I am slowly beginning to get an idea of what those changes might be. Their message has been to follow my heart for the most part, though the other morning I was told, “All you have to do is show up.”

Kundalini Dream: Admit it, You Miss Me

Lots of intense shifting going on, at least in my world. My sister is still in the hospital and the doctor’s still refuse to perform surgery. They call it a “futility surgery”. The good news is the bacteria causing her sepsis is under control.

My BIL came by the house and had a long talk with my husband earlier in the week. He confessed to him that he had been a Meth user for 15 years and introduced it to my sister. He feels awful but at the same time he is in denial about many things. He referred to himself a “functional addict”. Ha!

Along with all the above stress and not-knowing, there have been family issues flaring up here and there that have long been in flux. I won’t go into detail about it but last night I couldn’t sleep because of the stress. 😦 My third-eye chakra kept activating as did other chakras. Their activation seemed to be related to the emotions that were coming up, which was interesting. I did my best to observe and allow the emotions to rise but there were so many that it seemed never-ending.

I think I fell asleep around 4am.

Dream: All B’s

I was walking across a college campus (learning lessons) early in the morning talking to someone. I told them I hadn’t gotten much sleep and couldn’t even recall what my new classes were because I forgot my schedule at home. I saw my previous grades in a visual – B B B B.

Then I saw someone was soaking wet (high emotion) and asked what happened. They pointed and I looked over just in time to see a person spraying people with water from a hose. They sprayed some on me and I got furious, turning around and calling them names. I got so angry I woke up.

Kundalini Dream: Admit it, You Miss Me

I was in a house. The light was low. I remember seeing a man who I recognized walking around the room. He seemed almost to be pacing in a circle. He was looking over at me and saying things like, “I know you miss me….Admit it…..You miss me.” 

My focus was in front of me. There was a refrigerator (emotional indifference, inhibited desire). The door was open and it was completely empty except for a box of vitamins (seeking to meet ones needs). I leaned down and picked it up and said, “Looks like she’s been taking these since 2003.” I was impressed for some reason. The box was green (healing) and seemed to glow.

The man responded to me by slowing his pace and staring at me. He said, “Admit it, you miss me.” (Odd I wrote You miss you). 

I finally answered him and said, “Okay. Fine. Yes, I miss you.” He smiled and turned toward me. I repeated myself, “I do miss you.” 

Then I remember literally crawling toward him on my hands and knees. My thought was, “I’m sorry”, so my crawling was likely a result of my regret. 

When I got to him he kissed me gently and I returned his kiss. We continued to kiss and I was thinking, “I missed you..I’m sorry.” The emotions that came up here were joy and relief at being back in touch with him.

I felt immense love and admiration for this man. I believe he was naked but can’t be sure. I also remember how his kiss felt. It was nice. Not too eager or hungry but gentle and loving. 

We ended up laying on the floor, him on top of me, making out. The more I allowed myself to enjoy it, the more the K energy began to ignite and grow. I felt a shot of bliss and pleasure hit my root chakra and begin to rise upward. I surrender to it, to him, but the intensity was so much that it woke me up.

Shocked, I woke up.

The energy did not dissipate immediately so I lay in bed relishing it for a bit. I struggled to return to sleep after. I probably got a total of 2 hours sleep. 😦 


The first dream reminds me of an OBE I had long ago. In the dream I was upset because a young man was setting fire to all the trees. I frantically ran after him with a hose trying to put out the flames but was unable to.

The hose in the dream seems to indicate that I have been successful at putting out the fire caused by the Kundalini. My reaction to getting wet is anger, though, so maybe I am changing my mind?

The second dream seems to indicate that I am looking to meet my needs in life. The resulting Kundalini indicates that those needs may be met via the K-energy.

Lucid Dream: Compass

I have some bad news. My sister, who has been home recovering from her bout of sepsis is now back in the hospital. She had been doing well and feeling good when suddenly she began to feel tired and sick. When she developed a high fever, chest pains and shortness of breath, her husband took her to the hospital where she was told the sepsis had returned along with endocarditis and an abscess on a previous graft to repair an aortic aneurysm. She is now experiencing the same symptoms as before – swelling and pain in her right leg, pain all over, and discolored skin (purplish).

Yesterday’s report from her husband is not good. Though her cardiologist wants to perform surgery right away, the surgical team is against this. They cite my sister’s leaving the hospital against medical advice and her previous drug use as the reason. They gave three options: six weeks of intravenous antibiotics like before, transport to a nearby hospital that may do her surgery, or admitting her to a facility that is one step above hospice.

Her husband is going to try and talk to the team this morning in hopes they will change their mind and do surgery. A abscess on the heart valve is an emergency situation that requires immediate surgery. Without the surgery the survival rate is very low.

When I saw her husband I noticed he did not look well. He seemed puffy, like he is retaining water or had gained a lot of weight in a short time. He was also complaining of tooth pain in two teeth and mentioned he needed to get the teeth removed. Seems like he too has the tooth decay common to a Meth addict. 😦 I suspect he was not giving us all the information as to why they would not perform the surgery. My guess is they found Meth in my sister’s system when they ran their tests.

When I left my Mom’s home she hugged me and would not let me go for some time. She began to weep and shake as she said, “Hospice? I can’t believe they want to send her to hospice….” She plans on going to Houston if that is where my sister ends up going. Right now that seems like the best option. I may accompany her if that is the case.

Yesterday morning, before receiving the recent options, I woke up from an unrelated dream thinking, “My sister is going to die.” I began to question this, however, because with my dog, Trooper, and my grandparents, I was warned in advance of their upcoming passing. I received direct messages to “prepare myself” well in advance. Yet with my sister the messages have not been as clear. I did have a precognitive dream indicating her stay in the hospital was “just a drill”. Does that mean this time it isn’t a drill? It feels like it.

Other messages have been coming up, though. Mostly the lyrics from song – “This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go somewhere only we know.” In fact, only the day before yesterday I was telling my husband that I worried the song message was meant as a message warning me to prepare for my sister’s passing.

I’ve also had dreams in the last couple of days where I a comforting my mother, singing to her and hugging her.

Similar to how I felt when presented with the knowledge to prepare for each of my grandparent’s passing, I feel somewhat numb. Even when hugging my mom to comfort her yesterday I did not feel sad or want to cry with her.

Ever since my sister’s first admission to the hospital on February 14th I think I have been in preparation mode. There were times when I asked myself, “Is there anything I feel I need to say to my sister? Anything left undone or unsaid?” The answer was always, “No”. Even when I thought back on our childhood together and sifted through those memories I could contact no lingering emotion or sadness. That life seemed not to be mine, or at least to be a very distant past life.

So odd.

Lucid Dream: Compass

Suddenly I find myself lucid within a dream. I am standing in an empty bar. A man is in front of me. He is unfamiliar and I cannot recall his appearance now. Somehow I know he is there to help – a guide. I communicate without words, asking him for advice on what to do. He holds out his hand. In it is a tiny compass pendant. As soon as I have the intention to accept the gift it appears on a chain around my neck sitting right over my heart. The message that comes with the compass is to let my heart guide me.

I feel somewhat panicky and concerned. There is a question posed with my concerns and the response was a close-up visual of the compass. It looks something like this:

Compass Necklace #urbanoutfitters | Fashion LOVE ...

I stand in the bar with this guide for some time but my memory of this time is mainly of how acutely aware I am of being there. Time feels to be standing still and I have a deer-in-headlights feeling but I don’t know why this is.

Then there is this feeling of being released somehow, as if I have permission to leave. I decide to take control and head toward the front door. When I open the door it is dark outside which disappoints me. I begin to sing as I attempt to fly but am immediately grounded and so have to walk. My intention is to make the sun come out so I can see better but it never happens. My thoughts are on my current life and how I create my reality. I try to do this by flying and setting an intention, so when I cannot I feel as if the message being relayed is that my reality is interconnected with many others. Therefore, there are agreed upon rules I must follow.

I lose lucidity and the scene blacks out. I find myself standing outside a small bistro. A man and woman, the owners, invite me to come in to dine. They speak with thick accents and I realize I am in Belgium.

They hand me a menu that is filled with light dishes made mostly of fish. I look at a shrimp dish and inquire about it. The woman tells me the dish will take a very long time to make and advises me to choose another.

I remember talking to someone about going somewhere. The location is Frankfurt.


I am not sure what these recurrent dreams of being in a bar represent. The bars are always empty, too, which is unusual. I am not drinking alcohol then I am not trying to numb my emotions or avoid something. So, perhaps the bar indicates I am open to experiencing something that could be emotion, but have no emotion as of yet.

The compass is pretty self-explanatory, it is indicating the direction I need to take will be shown as long as I am open to receive it (listen).

The darkness I encounter when I go outside indicates something is unseen or unknown. I am unable to illuminate it or to fly and this upsets me. I want to know and be in control but cannot know everything and control is an illusion.

The restaurant scene is interesting. I do not know what the county and city symbolize. Perhaps they are just symbolic of me feeling out of my element? I am invited to eat, which means I am being offered assistance in the form of spiritual nourishment. The shrimp meal indicates that I feel powerless and small. The woman advises me against it which seems to be a message that I have a choice – I am stronger than I think.

Edit: Just received news this morning on my sister. It has been confirmed that the reason the doctors don’t want to do surgery is because they found Meth in her urine. 😦

Dream Message: Stimulation to Awareness

Things are starting to get a little more interesting. I am guessing the upcoming partial eclipse on the 21st, the summer solstice and some astrological placements are part of this. Or it could just be that I am ready for a change since I’ve been asking for assistance. Whatever the reason, the energy is vamping up.

In a recent review of the last six months of journal entries and blog posts, I saw very clearly that I made a decision to take a break, not only from spiritual experiences but from the Kundalini and the awareness it brings (among other things). The reason for this decision was fear-based. I am a firm believer that we alone are the cause of what we experience in this physical reality – good or bad. So I went looking for the “why?” for my “suffering” knowing I alone was the cause, no one else. Sure enough I saw plain as day my retreat and subsequent shutdown which in turn left me with nothing more than physical reality as my teacher. And oh the lessons have been hard….and annoying. lol

As soon as I realized what I had done I attempted to undo it. I have been asking my guidance to help me return to the path I abandoned out of fear. I have been asking for the Kundalini to return as my teacher. I have been asking for my heart to open; for acceptance, forgiveness and surrender.

Slowly but surely my requests are being answered.

Dream: Stimulation to Awareness

The dream begins inside an old farmhouse. There is a knock at the door and I am rushing about to get a package for the person at my door. I open the door and hand them the package and they inquire about another item – a t-shirt (relax). I know where it is and retrieve it, handing a white t-shirt to the young girl it is meant for. She takes it and the scene shifts.

I am inside a classroom in the uppermost floor of the farmhouse with a group of people who feel like teachers. I see a white board and a man is standing by it pointing to what looks like a math problem but is a game that reminds me of hangman. The math part looks like long division but the answer is written in letters. The others there are guessing those letters. The first letter is an M. I knew immediately that the other letter was T and that they were trying to determine the “state” and that state was Montana (spiritual journey).

Someone asks me to ensure that people who are coming to the party can find us because we are all on the third floor. I see how many doors have to be opened and how many turns they will need to make. Without someone to guide them they will need signs. My job is to post the signs so I head down and begin to put up signs on the walls. I recall that one floor, the lowest floor, was very cluttered and there was a young girl’s bike stored there. It was my daughter’s old bike (solo journey) and I mentioned that. I was told it was being kept for another girl who very much wanted it.

I returned to the third floor. It is soon apparent to me that it is a retirement (end of something is approaching) party. An older man is talking about his wife’s retirement but it also feels like a birthday. She is turning 51. He asks me about my mom and I tell him she is 65, but in reality she is 71.

Then I overhear a group of women talking about moving to Montana. One lady is excited to go, talking about her three month stay there and how she longed to live there. I interrupted and told her the winters were extreme and didn’t she know how difficult they were? I told them how I lived there for 3 years and suffered through the winter. They replied but instead of hearing words I saw a visual of a woman standing next to a four wheel drive pick-up. There was snow everywhere and she was wearing winter attire – an all black, heavy coat, gloves, boots and hat. The message I received was, “Yes, the winters are harsh but if you are prepared they will be tolerable and even pleasant.”

I remember saying I would never live in Montana again and the dream becomes hazy.

The last thing I remember is writing something on the white board. As I wrote it I read it aloud to myself. I read it over and over until I became lucid enough to recognize what I was reading. I read, “Stimulation to Awareness”.

As I woke I took notes of what it was I was saying and writing knowing it was a message. But what did it mean? This question led me to a conversation with my guide that became more and more lucid until I finally awoke.

A song came to mind, part of a verse repeating – “This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go, somewhere only we know….”

The discussion I was having was about continuing where I had left off. I was asking how to move forward. How do I surrender? How do I get past the fear? I told my guides I was ready to try again. They told me to be patient, take my time and I would be shown the way. All I can do is trust that.

Dream: Zane

I am at an outdoor venue. There is a large, open-topped bar in front of me. An older man with deeply etched smile lines and a very thin, wiry body is standing behind the bar. We begin to talk and I think I recognize him from high school. I ask him if he attended my school. He replies that he did. I ask him if he knew the Brezindines. He said he did.

Suddenly, I see an older woman wearing clothing that is much too young for her age. She has two parallel scars (wounds from the past) above her breasts (related to feminine) and just below her collarbone. She is wearing lots of jewelry and her face is tired looking with too much makeup. I remember thinking she must have had a very hard life.

The woman is purchasing a bunch of toddler shoes. I go up to her and ask her if she is one of the Brezindines. She replied that she was. Then I ask if she has many grandchildren and motion to the shoes. She says she does. Her tone is pleasant and friendly. I hope she doesn’t perceive my judgement of her but she seems not to notice.

I am back at the bar talking with the older man. Our conversation is lost to me but the images that pass between us are not. He shows me that he is part of a band. I see him singing but he is younger. It is like a time reel in my mind. I watch him age. I watch him fall in love, have a child, struggle through a failed relationships, etc. It feels like he is part of a heavy metal band like AC/DC. I see the name of the band. It starts with an S and is familiar.

The most memorable part of the dream is the man and how he looks. His face shifts as if the real him is shining through – as if I am seeing how he sees himself as well as how others see him.

What we say seems to be about how life can take you places you never intended but that it always takes you where you are meant to be.

I ask him about his son who is still quite young. Is he still married? He replies he is not.

For some reason my lucidity begins to peak very quickly and I am very acutely aware of the man, his energy, my energy, the setting and everything around me. There is a warm, pleasant energy building in my chakras starting with the root and moving slowly upward. It is very subtle but growing in intensity, swirling and building pressure especially around my solar plexus. The more aware I become, the more the energy intensifies.

For some reason I feel the man is creating this effect. I receive a message from him that suggests this but I can’t recall what it is. A part of me withdraws and I wake up. The energy persists, prominent in my head and mid-section.

I wonder who the man is. I hear back, “Zane.” He requests that I allow myself to return to the in-between. I do but shift in and out, unable to remain there for very long. A conversation with Zane is on-going but most of it is lost to me now.

Though our discussion is lost to memory I realize my reaction to Zane’s energy in the dream is a result of the fear that has pushed away similar experiences for the last six months or so. It is clear to me that I have work to do. I have to stop waking myself up the minute the K-energy arises.

The last thing I hear Zane say to me is, “I can’t do it for you. You have to do the work.”


The phrase, “Stimulation to awareness” has stayed with me. It feels like it is referring to the Kundalini energy and how the stimulation of it leads to more awareness.

The reference to Montana is also not lost on me. I have dreams about Montana quite a bit. Montana is always about my spiritual journey. I say I will never return because of the harsh winters there but am shown I can prepare for such times. It feels like I am being advised to reconsider my decision.

The hangman type game being played feels like a message also. Perhaps it can be better understood by looking at the tarot card meaning of the Hanged Man? If so, then it suggests that I am indecisive and need to surrender.

The hanged man tarot card meaning

The second dream feels more like a guide encounter with Zane and a test to see how I will handle the Kundalini energy. My response to the energy is to wake myself up. The older woman represents some aspect of myself. I am critical of her.

The message that I have to do the work makes sense. Perhaps I am hoping someone will come in and save me? Or this could just be a reminder that I am avoiding something.

Source of Hanged Man image





Dream: Subaru U2

I continue to be thankful for the quality, restful sleep I’ve been getting. I do hope it lasts! My dreams are odd, but I don’t mind. 🙂

Dream: Fixed Fish Aquarium

This dream is from two nights ago. It stuck with me for some reason so I am finally writing it down.

Most of the dream is about a large, 50+ gallon (Higher Self), rectangular fish aquarium (my emotions related to my physical reality experience). I recall checking water levels, inspecting the health of the fish inside, and arranging the plants and rocks inside (maintaining my physical reality, keeping it healthy). There was a circulation (emotional) issue I resolved as well. I happily bragged to a person who was with me about setting up the pump and bubblers so that the water traveled in a counter clockwise (improvement) direction. I showed the person from above the water line where we could see the water moving smoothing around the perimeter of the tank.

Then I saw a smaller tank, about 1 gallon in size (smaller self), sitting just to the left of the larger one. It had many smaller fish inside – guppies (cowardice) mostly – and I opted to transfer those fish into the larger tank where they would do much better. I remember there being an algae eater fish (cleaning, healing) in the small tank and knowing it was needed in the bigger one. There were also many tiny, newborn baby fish (potential) which pleased me.

The entire dream scene shifted and I was standing outside on a sidewalk on a university campus (life lessons) looking at the various halls. We seemed to be standing in an area where the sidewalks met and formed a kind of circular courtyard with benches and tall trees. A woman was with me. She pointed out a large waterfall (dramatic change in life perception) pouring down the side of the dorm (personal and private self) hall. I thought it odd that a waterfall would be cascading down the side of my dorm room but it was quite beautiful regardless. Her explanation was it was part of the renovation (healing, adjustment).

Dream: Subaru U2

The dream began as a trip to show a group of friends the land my father had told me he was going to give to me. I mostly recall one young man who was with me. He was romantically interested in me and we had been emailing and communicating back and forth for some time. We had decided to date with the hopes of it becoming more serious. He had with him two male friends. I’m not sure why I was taking them to my land but I was eager to show it to them.

When we got to the property I took them to a large garage where my father stored all his old cars. The cars were well cared for but most were quite old, some models from the 80’s and 90’s and some even older than that. My focus was on a particular car that my father was storing for me until I was ready to drive it. It was a black sports car parked in the back corner of the garage. I picked up a large key chain full of keys, found the key to the car, opened it and let them explore inside it.

The car was interesting in that it had a removable hard top that was sloped. The paint was original so it was not perfect, graying in some areas, but it was still in good condition. The men looked inside and were impressed, even asking to take it for a drive. I didn’t allow this but I’m not sure why. I remember saying the car was waiting until I was ready to drive it, implying it was not for them.

At one point I was trying to determine the make, model and year of the car. I said aloud, “I can’t remember what kind it is…” Then I looked closely at the emblem and though I can’t remember what it looked like I said, “It’s a Subaru….a Subaru U2.” For some reason I thought the make and model was rare and very expensive. The year shifted as I recalled the date. I saw 2011 and also 2016 but the numbers blurred together so it is hard to know for certain.

The men then looked at some other cars parked nearby. One was similar to the Subaru but not as well maintained. I remember insisting they not mess with the other cars and said it was time to leave.

As we exited the garage and walked through a garden full of workers tending to it, the sun was just rising in the sky. The young man who was interested in me walked ahead acting a bit strange. He later stopped writing and communicating with me and I remember thinking, “He must not like the real me.” I was disappointed and sad about this. My thought was, “People like me until they get to know me.” Memories came to me, all of times when my blunt, opinionated and bossy side came out and friends and boyfriends left because they interpreted these characteristics as negative or selfish. In that moment I hated the personality I selected for this lifetime and saw it as a means to separate me further from others.

Music Message

I woke from this dream hearing words from a familiar song – “Why’d you have to be so rude? Don’t you know I’m human, too? Why’d you have to be so rude? I’m gonna marry her anyway…”

Memories of all the relationships I’ve had – friends and boyfriends – in this lifetime came to me. They all had in common one thing – they start out great with good connection but over time seem to wear and fray at the edges. I see myself as the cause of this. Many of my past friends and boyfriends have told me straight up that they can’t handle my intense side, and that is the nice way of putting it. When I get upset, emotional, tired, or am just not in a good place (depressed or unhappy) I tend to be more prone to blowing up and saying exactly what I am thinking without filtering it. So, in other words, I stick my foot in my mouth. This is difficult for most to handle. Most retreat or go silent. Some come back at me with just as much intensity. Regardless of how they handle it, most eventually get tired of my often unpredictable and emotional blow ups and disappear from my life.

I am better at controlling my outbursts now but even so I struggle to articulate my feelings or upset in a way that won’t hurt the other person. Sometimes I vow to just not speak but when I don’t speak up for a long period of time the outbursts seem to take on a life of their own and I do more damage. It doesn’t help that I perceive the other person’s feelings and if they are judgmental or critical of me I get angry and frustrated, feeling they aren’t really listening to me. 😦

Thankfully, not everyone disappears from my life. Those that stay can fight my fire with their fire (so they are usually fire or air signs) and when it all blows over we can move on holding no grudges and often feeling relieved to have expressed our feelings. Honestly, I prefer those who are like this. Those who remain quiet or act submissive lose my respect in the end, as I am sure I lose theirs. And honestly, I don’t blame them because I am real good at steamrolling over those types.

I interpret the song message I woke with to be about how the men I end up marrying are able to accept and even overlook this side of me and have what it takes to be with me long-term. The same goes with my friends. It just so happens my best and most long-lasting relationships (including those with family) are all fire and air (or a mixture) signs. Ha! My younger sister, who is an Aries with Cancer moon, cut me off, however, but I can’t say I blame her or that even miss her moody, grudge-holding, poor-me behavior (yes, that is my blunt side coming out, so be it!). If she comes back into my life and attempts to mend our relationship I will take her back, arms wide open, even though she will likely not respond the same.

Subaru Message

Then there is the Subaru message in the dream. I had to look it up because it stood out so vividly.

The name Subaru is Japanese, meaning ‘unite’. It’s also a term for a cluster of [seven] stars in the Taurus constellation, named ‘Pleiades’ by the ancient Greeks. According to Greek mythology, these stars were once Atlas’ daughters. The [seven]-star cluster featured in the Subaru badge design is known in Japan as mutsuraboshi, meaning ‘[seven] stars’.

Subaru was the first automobile brand to use a Japanese word as its name. Source

The message via the car make and model in my dream was, “Subaru U2”. I take this to mean that I am part of this cluster of stars. I am a Starseed from the Pleiades. Based upon my memories, OBEs, and spiritual experiences, I am originally from Lyra, which is located in the Pleiades.

The sports car symbol is one I have seen in previous dreams. Cars symbolize one’s life path, the characteristics of the car symbolizing the characteristics of the path. A sports car, which is made for speed, symbolizes a path that one is on that goes quite fast from one point to another. A black car is not negative but actually represents the unknown, or something unseen and can also symbolize the intuition or Higher Self. In this particular dream the car is being kept for me in a garage. Garages indicate a “parked” path, so progress is stopped or temporarily delayed. The other cars in the garage are likely other paths I’ve taken at various points in time. Thankfully, I hold all the keys to these many paths. 🙂

The dream suggests that the path that is connected to the Pleiades is on hold for now, parked in a garage and maintained until I decide to once again take it for a spin. In the dream I show it – and mySelf – to others and am rejected because of it. This saddens me and causes me to judge myself harshly, blaming my human expression of my Pleiadian self as the source of much upset in my life. Yet when I think back on when I am rejected in the dream I am not concerned but instead proud of who I am. I recognize that sometimes others just don’t understand and that is OK.



Kundalini Dream: Abandoned Kittens

A third night of wonderfully deep and rejuvenating sleep! I believe it is due to the full moon and after this morning’s experience I have no doubt.

First, though, I want to share a dream from the night before last because I think it provides a glimpse of what was to come – and then happened this morning.

Dream: Leaf Monster

What most stands out from this dream is a scene at a swimming pool. A young black girl, one of my “students” in the dream, takes me to her pool. She shows me a small step fountain of about four block steps leading to a tiny hot tub. She then goes down the steps of the fountain on a tube. She explains how a friend did it and wiped out but she did it without issue.

As I walked around and surveyed the scene I saw that the pool area was pretty neglected. Fallen leaves had gathered around the pool and in it, piling up and covering the surface of the areas surrounding the pool. The leaves were mostly thick and brown with some of various Fall colors. I told my student the leaves tend to pile up where I lived, too, especially the oak leaves. I described the process of raking and bagging leaves every year and my disdain for it. We have to do it twice a year in Texas because the Live Oaks lose their leaves in March while the other trees lose their leaves in the Fall.

The girl showed me how they cleared the leaves. She took me aboard a ship-like contraption that had a large hole in the bottom that acted to lure in a creature – or monster – that lived in the water. The monster ate leaves apparently and when I saw it it looked like an eel or snake. It was enormous and could easily eat a person but I was not afraid of it as I floated over the clear, blue pool watching this creature swim around eating leaves.

Then I recall talking to my student about my grandmother. I tell her how my grandmother is ill and doesn’t have much time left because her liver and heart are failing her. I say she is around 96 years old. Then my grandmother is there and I am talking to her. This grandmother is no one I recognize yet I assume she is my Nanny who died in 2014 when my son was newborn (making her around 96 this year if she had lived). We talk about her late husband and I tell her I miss Granddaddy, too.


Pools are often in my dreams indicating a need for refreshment, healing and rejuvenation. The clear, blue water is clear emotion and calm. Leaves are often indicators of sadness, hard times, regret and other negative emotion. These are piled up high and I am trying to get rid of them. The neglect of the pool indicates a neglect of myself in some way – likely emotionally. I have left the debris to settle and pile up and need to clean it up. I reflect on how difficult this task is and how frequent by reflecting on the leaf duties I have to complete twice a year. I believe the monster that is snake-like is the Kundalini. I am not afraid of it  and it “eats” the leaves, clearing the “debris” easily and hungrily.

I am not so sure about the grandmother symbol here. Since grandparents usually symbolize wisdom and learning from ones mistakes in order to make better informed decisions, it could be that this part of me is somehow dying or ill and has not long to live. Perhaps I am not learning from my mistakes? Or there is a desire in me to kill off a part of me that is ill, specifically in the “heart” and “liver”. There was a third area, maybe the kidneys, but I can’t recall it now. This older version of me, which means a past version, is clinging to her love of a husband who has long been dead. The latter of the two feels more likely. Who wants to kill off the part of them that is wise and learns from their mistakes? I certainly don’t! But the death of a part of me who is clinging to the past feels much more freeing.

Kundalini Dream: Abandoned Kittens

This morning I woke around 6am and struggled to return to sleep because I had slept so well. The phrase from the song Disarm was going over and over in my head and really beginning to annoy me – The killer in me is the killer in you.

I read the meaning of the song lyrics yesterday and know the song is about how the songwriter had wanted to kill his abusive parents as a child but instead opted to write a song. He explained that he recognized the only way to end the cycle of abuse was to approach it with love, thus him sending love and a smile instead of violence and anger. So, I know now that the meaning of the message was similar – end the cycle with love. Yet the song was not going away. What was I missing?

Somehow I fell asleep. I entered a dream house. It was light and airy feeling inside. I had found a litter of kittens (feminine sexual energy), about nine, that had been abandoned. Someone was with me and we were talking about the kittens. I remember looking at them and commenting on how they had no tail (sexual pleasure) – they looked like little bobcats.

After observing the kittens for a while, I discovered they were only being fed once a day at 7pm. I told the person this was unacceptable because kittens need to eat frequently.

I went into the space where the kittens were being kept and got a flat dish out. I held it up and the kittens knew it was time to eat. They came out of their hiding places meowing. I called to those that were still hiding and saw them coming out of the garage (delay, lack of movement). I remember saying aloud, “They shouldn’t leave the door open like that.” One kitten jumped up near me and tried to climb into the dish.

I found the kitten food stashed in a corner. It had been left with the kittens when they were abandoned. As I poured the food, large sprouting plants (new life, new potential) with clumps of roots came out with the food. It was like the food had “sprouted” like a seed rather than going bad from disuse. I was fascinated by this and plucked the small, tree-like plants out so the kittens could get to the food.

I sat down with all the kittens petting and cuddling with them. One lay on me purring as I stroked it. The whole of the experience was relaxing and pleasant.

For some reason I thought to let a kitten suckled on my breast (weird!). I lay on my side and held the kitten close as if it were a baby human. The sensation of it it suckling reminded me of when my own children breastfed.

This is when the dream shifts and I become quite lucid. Whoever I had been talking to in the dream is much more present in my awareness. I don’t recall what he says but my root chakra suddenly explodes with energy and the energy quickly intensifies, shooting energy upward in spurts that cause me to squirm. I feel as if I wake up but I don’t think I do because the conversation continues as the energy subsides.

Then I have a short lucid dream of being in a store. A man is standing behind the counter. He hands me an ancient, leather bound book and shows me a page. On it is written a song. I don’t recall the words but I saw them, nor do I remember a melody but I sang it. He cautions me, telling me, “It is a spell.” I somehow knew the spell was linked to the root chakra activity I was having.

I recognized this man was giving me a choice – sing the song and reignite the Kundalini bliss but also release layers of suppressed emotion  – or not sing the song and keep things as they have been. As I stared at the song and the man my root was swirling creating a pressure that I could feel throughout my Being. It was as if it was calling to me asking me to “release” and “surrender” to it. All I wanted in that moment was to do just that.

Much happened here as if in a millisecond. The man explained to me that if I agreed to “sing the song” that the feeling I was experiencing in the root chakra would return. He said, “You will not be in control” and asked me if I could accept that. My response was, “I’m not in control anyway.” I also remember the time period of “six days” being mentioned as if this experience I cannot control would last that long.

The entire time this discussion is occurring the K energy is rushing upward over and over, each time stopping at the point where I feel it will most definitely kill me. With each ebb and flow I feel this power. It is hard to describe. I feel powerful but also without power.

The last thing I recall is asking the man why it has been so long. His response was that I had requested it (it being the K energy experiences to stop). I do recall doing this some time ago.


Taking the two above dreams into account, along with the others prior to these dreams, it seems I have been invited to continue my work. This work is spiritual and involves the Kundalini. The K energy needs to be allowed to do its job – clearing out the debris and blocks that remain.

During the past few days I have been having emotion and memories from 2015-2016 surface in spurts. It is easy to push it down and pretend it isn’t there, but the feelings don’t go away. I had asked last night prior to bed for help in coming to terms with these feelings/emotions/experiences. I recognized that what I have been doing isn’t working. Pretending the feelings are not there doesn’t make them go away; it doesn’t heal them. In fact, I’m not even sure “healing” them is the correct course of action. These feelings seem to be part of me; like a spark that needs to be allowed to ignite and grow larger and larger. I believe that in asking for help, asking to be shown what to do to finally come to terms with what happened and is still happening, opened a door that I had closed. I closed it because I felt the process to would surely kill me and I am afraid of the unknown.

I received a message not long ago, maybe two weeks ago now. I was told, “You will be seen.” It has stayed with me regardless of my trying to ignore it. As memories of 2015-2016 were coming up along with the emotion and connection of it, my guidance stated, “He sees you.” And I understood then what the message meant. To be “seen” by another, truly seen, is what I experienced and what I miss so much.

Dream Message: The Killer in Me is the Killer in You

Another good night’s sleep after many weeks of struggling to sleep. Funny how grateful you can be for something you once took for granted when you have been denied it so long.

Dream: The Killer in Me is the Killer in You

The dream began on a highway (life path). I was with someone, a friend, and we were navigating the path together, giving each other advice and direction.

What I mostly recall of this part of the dream is seeing two dead (suffering, loss) geese on the side of the road. One was white and black, the other brown and black. A motorcycle (forward movement and balance in life) without a driver had caused their deaths and I pointed it out as if to suggest the irresponsible driver caused the carnage.

I arrived at a small town and met up with my friend there. We went into a shopping area. A building stood in front of us which we both knew. It stood apart from the rest and was a line of a three or four shops that inside were all connected. The outside was brown and somewhat rustic or old looking, but modern at the same time. She asked me if I had been to visit the vendors there, I said I had. We agreed to go inside and take a look.

Inside we stopped at a healer where my friend had previously been. She motioned to the two men standing there. One was bald and robed like a monk, the other was taller and older with graying hair. They stood behind a small table that had a tapestry hung over it and a singing bowl and other healing tools sat on top. When I turned to look the men welcomed me, opening their arms and motioning me to come over. I turned and looked at the other vendors and said, “I don’t think I need healing right now….”

My friend accepted this but something changed my mind and I turned back and walked up to the men. The cost of the healing was discussed. As usual, a donation was the only price. I said, “I only have $4 (cautious advancement).” I reached into my purse and got out my wallet, pulling out my money. When I looked at it I was surprised to see more than I thought and upon inspection I had two $50 (personal freedom) bills. I said, “Wow! I didn’t know I had this much!” When I inspected the money it appeared to have nothing printed on it and was a bit transparent and iridescent. When the money changed position, however, the printed ink could be seen. I opted to keep the two $50 bills and donated the rest.

I was asked to stand on the table, left foot resting on something a bit higher than the right – a bowl maybe? Whatever I stood on rotated and was covered in fabric. The man instructed me to let myself spin with the rotation of the disc I stood on. I could feel myself off balance and was afraid I would fall so I stiffened up. He instructed me to relax but when I heard his voice it sounded like a woman’s. I suddenly felt to be lower, ground level, and hands were lightly touching both shoulders. The energy felt feminine and I relaxed into it, closing my eyes and spinning gently. I could hear a woman’s voice encouraging me and telling me, “That’s it…”

When it was over the two men were there again and the woman gone. The spinning sensation had balanced out and I received a vision of an old man with white hair and a beard. He was familiar. The taller of the two men asked me what I had seen and I told him. He was astonished and pulled out a picture of a man. I confirmed it was him and said, “He died here….he had trouble breathing…his chest hurt.” I somehow knew the man’s name was Yogananda.

At this point I asked to be excused to use the bathroom (release, healing). I went into a room from which several woman emerged. Inside I found many women in various positions and several tall clay pots for urinating in. I saw one woman on the floor as if seizing as she pushed a large, white ball around. There were other women on the floor as well all seeming to be convulsing as if overcome by something. They were not in danger, however, and I knew it. They were “possessed” by the Divine.

I entered yet another room, hoping to find a more private place to urinate and encountered more women. Along the side of the room were smaller rooms with doors – small saunas. Women were inside the saunas sweating, conversing and very relaxed.

The dream fades in and out here. I recall mostly trying to urinate and not being able to and seeing various strange toilets made of clay pots that were too high to sit on and so forced a woman to stand. In one I remember feeling I must be getting a UTI because my bladder hurt.

Lastly, I am standing again at the table with the two men and my friend. A song is playing in the background. It is familiar.


When I woke the words, “The killer in me is the killer in you….” are whispered to me by a voiceless voice as the music in my dream fades away. I know immediately the song, one I have not heard in years.

This is when the name of the man I saw in my vision repeated in my mind – Yogananda. I knew little to nothing about this guru so had to look him up. Turns out he died of heart failure. Source 

I am sure his teachings are relevant, also, but I will wait to be shown what, if any of his teachings, are relevant.

PARAMAHANSA YOGANANDA QUOTES image quotes at relatably.comAs I lingered in bed, still heavy with sleep, a calming energy swept up and down my spine – an energy hug as I call them. With this energy came a reminder that all lessons are cyclic and will repeat over time until learned and absorbed. If there is anything we can be sure of in physical experience it is that life repeats and so what we feel we have lost or been denied in one experience will be offered up to us again in another. My response was, “But what if it is not until another lifetime?” The reply to that was, “It will be so if you desire it.”

Yet a part of me feels afraid and resists the offering of certain lessons again. I can feel her clinging to her safety net; beliefs birthed out of fear and suppressed memories of when pain and destruction came from following the heart.

As I pondered this, it was revealed to me, as if a memory, that no specific path is the “right” one. It is just a path chosen to explore and many new paths can arise from it. The way of the heart is not linear, nor logical, nor can the destination always be seen/perceived for that is the Soul’s journey unto itself.

And with that I am brought back to the song and the words in it. It speaks to me of Oneness and how we are all aspects of one another. There is also the part about how the years “burn”. This is very real to me. Sometimes it feels as if time hurts….burns.

And I am reminded of a vision I had this morning that I nearly forgot. A plant grows, vines moving upward and then bursting into brilliant flames as if flowering Light. The image of it pleases me, I’m not sure why.

Theme: Cockleburs

I continue to have difficulty falling asleep and getting a good sleep overall. This has been on-going since before Covid-19 hit mid-March. Some days I will get sleep that is good and solid, but mostly not.

Last night I felt a distinct shift in the energy. When for weeks I have had little to no communication from my guidance, last night I did. It came in the form of energy hugs and messages without words and I knew I would get a good sleep.


I had many dreams and woke once in tears.

The first dream I recall was set outside on a rocky slope. I was with my daughter and we were walking along a dirt path to a bus stop (temporary setback in life). I was wearing sandals (life path) and felt like I use to as a child – hopeful and looking forward. Recognizing I may need better shoes, I went back to get my tennis shoes and then carried them a bit before placing them on the side of the path. As we walked we talked and I was in high spirits. As the time for the bus to arrive grew near I remembered I needed my tennis shoes and realized I would not be able to get them in time. So, we walked a ways to the bus stop, down the hill and a bit further, past where the bus normally stopped. When we got to a certain point it was like we triggered a switch and a small hill covered in shrubs to our right burst into flame (passion, intensity). There was a distinct pause here as I recognized the “switch” being triggered (perhaps a fire will be triggered). Each plant became a burning bush. One began to char. I was unconcerned and let them burn.

In another dream I was in a stadium full of people looking for a place to sit. I soon realized no one had on shoes and for some reason I was very put off by the bare feet (others’ path, following another path) all around me. I shifted and tried to avoid contact with people and even asked some to move over. Someone asked me why I was so bothered by bare feet. I mentioned they were gross, smelly and just dirty. As I talked about my upset I began to cry and burst into tears over the prospect of so many bare feet.

Then I was in another time period and place. It was like a scene from a wild west movie. I was with a young boy (masculine aspect) who desperately needed new clothes (ones outward appearance). At this time there was something about arranging four cocklebur plants (annoyances) in an area and planting them. This caused me to become emotional but did not wake me. Eventually I helped the young man, taking him to a shop to get fitted for new clothing which consisted of knickers, a shirt and a leather satchel. I remember thinking it was quite expensive and hoping he did not want me to buy him a whole wardrobe.

The scene shifted and I was in a strange house sitting on the floor beneath a dresser or cabinet. It felt like something was crawling on me so I looked up and saw the biggest millipede (unwilling to confront something) I had ever seen. I withdrew in fear until I realized it was dead and mummified. I then noticed the front door to my house was open and went in to investigate. I yelled to the intruder to get out but then realized the house was being cleaned (healing). I was asked to help pull a sock (major life disappointments) out of a vacuum and the lady took it to clean.


When I woke a song was in my head:

The song quickly turned into another song and with it came a memory of the movie it went with – Into the Wild. I thought of the story line and what happened in the end, how the poor man must have felt as he lay dying all alone. I didn’t know why memory of this movie came to me but now see it fits in with a bigger message.

Then I saw this memory on my FB feed. Something I posted in 2013:

First I was dying to finish high school and start college.
And then I was dying to finish college and start working.
And then I was dying to marry and have children.
And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough
so I could get back to my career.
And then I was dying to retire.
And now I am dying…
and suddenly realize that I forgot to live.”
– Author unknown

See the message now?


It may seem odd, but cockleburs have been a message for a while now. I had a dream a while ago, maybe a week or more now – you can read the post here. Almost daily since posting that dream I have seen memes and other references to cockleburs online. If you don’t know what a cocklebur is, it is a very annoying, large sticker that gets easily embedded in things. They are almost impossible to get out.

In one of the above dreams, seeing the cocklebur plants causes me to burst into tears. The feeling I had when I woke from this dream was of hopelessness and overwhelm. The message this symbol brings is that I am dealing with issues that are annoying and they are not easily resolved. Nothing I do seems to make them go away so I tend to just live with the issues/annoyances. The fact that this symbol continues to reappear indicates just how upset I am by these issues in my life.

In this time frame I have been having quite a bit of stress related to life foundations and my stability. This has mostly passed but the physical side-effects have been eczema, which I tend to get when I have high stress. Similarly, loss of sleep tends to accompany stressful periods in my life.

I will leave you with a flash of a vision I had of myself just now: I saw myself walking on a path wearing tan colored clothing that was full of cockleburs. Ha!