Hawaii Trip Planned and Solar Plexus Issues

Yesterday my boss approved a trip to Oahu, Hawaii for March 9th-13th. My husband and I will go there to visit potential clients. Our company bids jobs such as water treatment plants, subways and even fish hatcheries. As general manager, one of my husband’s jobs is sales. In fact, he is the only person in the company that does this. We have estimators who do the paperwork for the bids but they do very little to actually sell the jobs. Without my husband, the company would not be where it is today. Thus, why he will be given stocks and eventually be part owner.

Travel to Hawaii is long and so two full days of a five day trip will be devoted to air travel. I have flown to Australia so I know the drill. We have two layovers on the way (yuck) but my husband did this on purpose to get off the plane and walk. He said he couldn’t imagine 11 hours of sitting.

Once there we will be staying at a resort on Waikiki beach with an ocean view. We have not made any plans on what we will do while there except for two meetings with construction companies. There are no volcanoes on Oahu so I am tempted to do one of those all-day trips to the Big Island to see a volcano or two. We will see what happens. At the very least I want to snorkel/scuba dive and see a waterfall or two.

I am a little concerned about sleep, though. My husband booked a room with a king bed. He knows I struggle to sleep with him, even in the same room, because of his snoring and high energy. He also knows I struggle to sleep when in a new place. It could be that all this will be no big deal but I really value my sleep. I am going to look for a white noise app or similar and hope that it will work to drown out the sound of his snoring and other noises. This is one of the only ways I can fall asleep at home and during our last trip together I brought my fan and was able to sleep well at a bed and breakfast.

The funny thing about this trip is that for a few days it looked like we wouldn’t be going. My husband stupidly told his brother about the trip and then his brother wanted to go and bring his wife. My boss did not approve that and my husband really wanted them to go so he was going to let them go in our place. I would not have it and told him it made no sense because it was a sales trip and his brother doesn’t do sales. So, my husband had decided no one would go. Yet the whole time I actually saw myself in Hawaii, so I knew it would happen. I told my husband, he laughed, and the next day his brother backed out and everything was approved.

Sick

Yesterday I stayed home from work. My stomach and lower back hurt all day. Not only did I have some kind of intestinal virus that had me running to the toilet all the time but I also started my period. Really great timing, body! So I had both kinds of cramps and just felt really shitty. It felt like being kicked in the stomach by a child. Just a dull ache all day.

I am still not 100% today. Ever since my c-section in 2014 my period has been rough. It use to be worse so I am grateful it has at least toned down. This month it is early and worse than normal. It is hard to tell if I am still sick with the virus or if it is my period causing the discomfort right now. I will likely go to work and see if I can manage regardless.

It seems like lately if I get sick it is intestinal. This is the realm of the solar plexus chakra. Ever since I was a small child I have issues in this area of my body. When little I was diagnosed with a spastic colon (IBS) and had to go into the doctor and get injections just to have a bowel movement! It was really painful and the curse haunted me well into my teens. IBS can cause bloating, cramping, diarrhea, constipation, vomiting and dizziness (maybe more but these were my symptoms). I would be up all night in pain, throwing up,  sweating, doubled over in tears until I would finally use the toilet. Diet and exercise nipped it in the bud for me.

Since lately my issues seem to be diarrhea, the message is that I feel like I cannot have what I want and so give up on my goals. It also indicates I am not absorbing or learning my lessons.

IBS means I do not feel comfortable with asking for what I want. I hold back and keep things to myself (don’t ask for help, self-sufficient, independent).  When I feel relaxed enough to express my ideas, opinions and knowledge, then my “digestion of life – inflow and outflow – is balanced and harmonious”.

I find it interesting that my symptoms relate so well to how I feel. I have given up and I have given up so much that I can’t even recall what I wanted anymore. I am left with no goals, a bleak outlook on life and my future and this feeling of a vast expanse of nothing ahead of me. I do not ask for help or seek it. I tend to look to myself to resolve all my problems and if I cannot fix something myself then I feel like a failure.

My mom also has IBS which is not surprising. She taught me to be the way I am. I remember feeling like I was bad if I was not able to solve problems on my own. Asking for help resulted in an irritated response from my mom. She made me feel like I was a burden and should know better than to ask her for help. If I kept quiet and out of her way then I was able to be free of her negative reactions. So that is what I did.

Hold it in. Don’t ask for help. Don’t show emotions like grief or fear or confusion.

No wonder I am a constant flow of tears and grief these days. I’ve been holding it in since childhood!!

My tummy says I am still doing it, too. 😦 If I can’t release this crap then it will implode and become a worse physical ailment. My grandmother technically died from a UTI that spread to her heart, but prior to that struggled with diverticulitis for years (over a decade). It kept recurring and causing her pain. I find it no coincidence that my mom AND my grandmother had issues with the same area. Strong women in our family but it backfires.

 

Digging In

Reached out to an online friend yesterday for some advice on everything that is happening with me – the strange “this is not my life” feeling, the anxiety and panic, the energy sickness, the high emotion.

We chatted for a long while yesterday and last night. Here is something she advised:

Well…if you don’t know what you want to do, but you want to be whole. I’d try my best to stop looking at anyone at all and focus back on you even though you’re so tired and not happy yet, and you feel like you’re getting somewhere then stay there and go within until spirit guides you elsewhere! It’s all about timing. Let the brain stop running circles on you. Maybe some cranial sacral would assist your thoughts! Clues!

The bottom line spiritually….from my guides and yours pow wow downloads they’re giving me. You’re getting caught in fear and doubt and your nervous system is telling you so and you need help. You’re not asking for help, you’re feeling alone. That’s your doubt of self. You need to learn new skills. Don’t rely on the kundalini it takes you up and out. Do something down here. You’re sort of on that line of fear often and you’re so sick of ‘falling’ or going backwards whatever language you use. But you need to embody. You’re flying all night and don’t want to come in fully. One foot in one foot out. There’s a way for you to change this you just won’t go there yet. It’s a place you delay seeing if you keep looking outside of you. All your tools are within you already and you’re just unfolding. Slowly. As one should. Pay attention to the nervousness. Sit with it. Where’s the fear coming from? From what? Where? Why? You already know. You just need to ask it, the body. Come. Into. The. Body! You’ve got outside in now go inside out.

There was much more but to summarize it was as I had suspected but not fully acknowledge. Perhaps as part of a temporary amnesia that I agreed to in order to fully integrate into the body and perhaps as a part of the remergence/reformation of ego, one that is more inline and in tune with my purpose and heart.

Earlier in this journey, I had similar panic episodes to what I am having now. They passed and were easier to handle but only because I observed them rather than becoming the effect of them. Similar to now, they would start with a sudden realization of my body, where I was, how I felt, etc. It was as if I shot directly into the body, grounded it in, suddenly and fully, which made all the senses almost painfully acute. Now, though, this perception remains for much longer and all the feelings are difficult to ignore. Thus, the panic episodes and feeling a need to run or get out.

It was advised by my friend to focus on the body, communicate with it and let it tell/show me what it needs. This was also what my guidance suggested and what caused me to have teary episodes on my commutes to and from work. I hate crying, though, so I stopped the feeling into my body on my commute and other trips. It just looks like I have more to purge and allow. I made the decision to keep looking, to keep listening, and try and resolve the residual grief and other emotions surfacing. I asked for help doing this prior to bed.

Last night I took a very long Epsom salt bath. Afterward I experienced a sadness that led to tears over the death of my dog, Trooper. Ugh! I cannot believe I am still grieving when he has been dead since 2012! Later I had more tears over my physical counterpart. The depth of the pit of grief I carry seems to have no bottom.

This morning my stomach is not happy. When I woke my back ached near my kidneys. Once awake it shifted to my intestines and I am back to similar symptoms as I experienced previously where my stomach hurts and I just don’t feel well. I will be staying home to work today if I don’t start feeling better soon.

Dreams

I slept very deeply with plenty of dreams. Once I was awakened in tears from a dream about Trooper. In the dream I was talking to an older lady with short hair who was taking care of him for me. I went to visit and saw him behind a fence made of panels of glass. He was very old looking and walking strangely, like he had been injured or was just crippled from old age. He leaped up toward me when he saw me. I was happy to see him but my grief got in the way. The woman and I sang together songs I can’t remember now and it seemed to help. She encouraged me to sing, so I did. She assured me she would take good care of him for me. I left him with her but broke down in tears as I departed. This woke me and I continued to cry.

There was another dream where I was with a group of people. We all seemed young, like 20’s. Myself and some others sat down at consoles and put on headsets to do our work. It was like we were physically plugged into the system somehow. I had just put on my headset when one of the men pointed out that something was wrong. I looked at him and some of the others and noticed their teeth were becoming shaded with gray and black. They all immediately took off their headsets as did I and the shading slowly faded. I remember being told it had to do with high radiation levels and to try again later. My own teeth were shaded and I felt a bit ill (likely physical seeping into my dream).

Then I was traveling on a motorbike along a country road with tall trees on either side. I took a sharp left and my bike suddenly seemed like a large, white work truck. As I turned around I felt a bit off, like I was confused or anxious. A young woman on a bike stopped me and asked me if I could give her a lift home. Her bike looked odd, like a four-wheeled type that was close to the ground. She told me her name and all about her family. I felt something was not right about her but agreed to give her a lift.

When we arrived at where she lived, it was the same place I did. Distrusting her, I took her to the entrance and used my key to open the door. I would not use the code in case she was trying to steal it. Inside, she asked me to help her locate her apartment but gave me a different name. This confirmed she was lying to me so I would not help her and made sure not to take her near my apartment.

Interpretation

When I woke I was really tired and shifted to lay on my back. My heart felt to be beating a thousand miles a minute but when I took my pulse my heartbeat was normal. It was odd. I had a headache and my lower back ached.

The dream about Trooper was likely to help me with the lingering feelings of guilt over his death. I saw him as old and decrepit even though I know that he is whole and happy on the Other Side because I have seen him before. The singing in the dream was likely to help me raise my vibration. The woman seemed to be his caretaker.

The teeth dream was strange. Teeth have to do with one’s feelings of control, or lack of it. When the teeth rot it is an invitation to handle unfinished business. To dig into those things that have been avoided and resolve them.

The last dream seems to be about my own distrust of myself, or an aspect of myself. The woman was young, married, with no kids. I recall telling her that she was lucky. She asked me if I was happy and I shrugged my shoulders. Thoughts of how exhausted parenting was and how I had so little time to myself came to mind. I advised the woman to enjoy her life – her “perfect” life. I told her, “Looks like you have it all.” When she questioned me, I said, “A house, a job and a husband you love.” I distrusted her story, though, as if I did not believe anyone could be happy with those things. In considering the whole dream, it feels like life has left me disillusioned. The “American dream” turned out to be a crock of shit and I no longer believe happiness comes from attaining it.

Dream: Haunted History

I’ve been continuing to have the energy sick feeling I wrote about previously. It comes in different forms but I recognize it as the same energy. Back in December and January it made me feel ill inside and out to the point of wanting to up and run out of work, my life, etc. The panic attacks increased after that and continue. Now the feeling is more like a discomfort from within where my life feels strange, like not my own. Yesterday this feeling crept up on me while working from home. I tried to ignore it but couldn’t. I just felt weird! Like I’m not in the right place. I didn’t want to run or leave right then and there but it did upset me. I can’t find a source of it, really, but it makes me want to step back and out, observe and evaluate and then put things right. Yet I don’t know what ‘right’ is!

What is even stranger is that lately when I have this feeling intensely like this, my husband will usually call me not long after. Yesterday that is exactly what happened! While in the midst of feeling the ick he called and told me he was feeling bad and wanted to come home. It makes me wonder if the energy is somehow linked to him but then in the past it seems not to have been specifically him but other around me who were either physically ill (like my coworker with cancer) or just had erratic or negative energy.

I am at a loss as to what the cause of this energy is as much as I am at a loss as to the cause of my anxiety. They are more than likely linked, though. Anxiety and fear stem primarily from the third chakra but also from the root chakra, especially when linked to feelings of insecurity or instability. Based upon recent energetic experiences and dreams I have no doubt that my lower three chakras are clearing. I specifically asked for help with the second and being all the chakras are linked, especially those located above and below a blocked one, I am not surprised by some of my symptoms.

Most recently my dreams suggest a return to past issues that need healing. Again. Sigh. The clearing/healing seems never to end! Last night I had yet another dream that left me a bit bothered upon waking. In fact, I struggled to return to sleep after.

Dream: Haunted History

Most of the dream took place in a large parking lot. I recall meeting up with my physical counterpart there as if on a “date”. The entire time I noticed he was acting strange, like distracted and unfocused. His energy was the most obvious. It was “off” and I could tell he was in a dark place emotionally and spiritually. I remember thinking more than once that I was glad we were not physically around each other because his energy was so unbalanced that it was almost repellent.

I remember walking with him around the parking lot as we talked. He didn’t say much but when he did the energy behind his words indicated that he was not really present, like he was putting up a front. I stopped by a parked car and told him about something that happened when I was a child. The story I told him was that my family went to the beach and my mom had me and my sister go to the car to wait. With keys in hand we went to the car but a man intercepted us and tried to take the keys. I mentioned that we often waited in the car. Since these incidences never happened in this life, I suspect the story was symbolic.

We walked some more and the parking lot filled with people sitting at tables talking and eating. I recall telling him my favorite candy was peanut butter cups. I asked, “Did you know that?” He said he did not. Then, someone called to him about his younger brother Michael needing him. He excused himself and said he had to go. He said, “I will call you. Or, you can call me. You have my number, right?” He flashed his phone screen to me and I saw a number with a 7 in it. I said, “Yeah, yeah I have it.” Then he rushed away.

Alone now, the parking lot seemed more like a restaurant and I felt like a waitress. Someone near me began to reminisce about the past and pointed out a large globe in the restaurant. There was suspicion that it was haunted and I investigated, only I ended up inside a restroom. The door would move on its own and I tested it and saw it move. On my way out of the restroom I saw the globe. It was spinning and had my writing on it indicating locations across the world.

Suddenly, I heard my name called and saw my physical counterpart in the distance waving his arms over his head. I went to him. He was standing next to a very large, red pick-up. It was massive and had an extended cab with the door open. Excited, he showed me three seats and how each had a luggage compartment behind them. He invited me to go with him and I declined. I remember thinking there was no way I was going with him in that thing when his energy felt the way it did.

Interpretation

I woke suddenly then concerned with the low vibration coming off my physical counterpart. I remember thinking, “Wow. He must really be in a dark place right now. How can he be in such denial?” The avoidance in his energy was really obvious and it was sad to me.

A parking lot is delay or waiting. When you park your car (life path) there is no progress or movement. In the dream it felt like a long waiting period, which makes sense. The story I told about waiting could be that I was recalling waiting for him at other times. A peanut butter cup likely indicates lack of understanding or difficulty communicating my thoughts/emotions, specifically love.

When he is called away it suggests the distractions he is having have to do with a “brother”, likely someone he is helping out. Him telling me to call him indicates he does not want to sever communication.

The globe being haunted feels to me like I am haunted by our history together. When my psychical counterpart comes back to show me his red truck and invites me along I decline. A truck is “work” and red is the root chakra, so security, survival, foundations. The seats had space for luggage, which is baggage one carries to include responsibilities and things they cannot let go of. The invitation was not appealing to me. It felt like he was inviting me into his mess. I wanted no part in it.

I don’t know as of yet if my declining indicates avoidance on my part or not.

I fell into the in-between as I attempted to go to sleep. I remember hearing myself talking to someone. The word “test” brought me out of my reverie.

Dream: Airport and Stolen Phone

I fell to sleep after that and found myself at an airport standing in line to board a plane. I was told the flight was continuous. In my mind I saw it flying in circles and never landing. Despite this knowledge, I still intended to board the plane.

Then I was running and met up with a near exhausted man wearing regular clothing and a heavy jacket. I asked, “Have you been running a long time?” Through heavy breathing he nodded yes and then asked, “Can I borrow your phone?” It felt like he wanted to know where he was but then he said, “I need to call my wife.” We are running side-by-side and I get out my phone and ask, “Sure. Who is your wife?” He said,”The Reverend Jessup.” I think the name odd and feel something is off about the man. He reaches toward me, indicating he wants my phone. I unlock my phone, hesitate and then hand it to him. He takes it and then sprints to the right across heavy traffic. I reach for his arm and end up taking off his jacket. Another man tries to retrieve my phone but there are too many cars. I think, “I should’ve known.”

My phone being stolen woke me up. For some reason I started thinking of something that happened a long time ago, when I was a teenager. My mom had just filed for bankruptcy  and was doing very poorly financially. We had many animals, cats and dogs, that needed veterinary care she could not afford. Our beloved cat had an abscess that was killing her. My mom asked my grandfather to shoot her. Similarly, we had two dogs that came to our house after being dumped by their owners. Both were big and liked to kill goats, costing my mom the money to replace the goats. My mom could not afford to take care of them and could not afford to pay the fees the pound would impose. She asked my grandfather to take care of them as well.

One day I came home from school and the dogs were gone as was our cat. I knew what happened and was very upset by it.

For some reason these lost pets were on my mind. Just thinking of them made my entire body tense up. I saw my white cat Whiskers and the black and white dogs also. It was horrible the amount of upset this caused me to think of them losing their lives that way. It also upset me to think of how it might have made my grandfather feel.

Eventually I wondered why this memory came up. My guidance asked me to feel through it. Dogs are protection. Since one was black and one was white then it may represent yin and yang. Cats are female sexuality. The feelings I was having was very similar to the decimated feeling I have been having related to my physical counterpart. There is also a sense of unfairness and outrage at mistreatment of innocent creatures, or the innocent in general. I have always struggled with the way the cycle of life works and how something must die for another thing to live.

Honestly, I don’t know why all this came up still. It just adds to all the weirdness I’ve been experiencing lately!

 

Intense Vibrations and Dream: Job Offer in Georgia

Rough morning. My middle child had a fever last night and woke up not feeling well (headache, body aches). I took his temperature but he had just drank some water so it was at 98.9° meaning it’s probably much higher but the water lowered it temporarily. So, he is staying home from school today. My oldest was in tears this morning when I woke her, refusing to get out of bed and begging to sleep longer. She later told me she couldn’t sleep. When I asked when she fell asleep she said she was looking at her watch all night long so didn’t know. 😦 She wasn’t complaining of feeling sick, so I sent her to school but told her if she stared feeling unwell to go to the nurse.

I really am not a morning person so all this activity at 6:30am makes me a grumpy person!

Yesterday, I was completely bored which led to me feeling tired. I did go grocery shopping and took the kids to Pets Mart to check out the animals they had up for adoption, but I felt uneasy the whole time. The grocery store was really unpleasant because of the anxiety that was threatening to turn into a panic attack. Ugh!

I took a bath with Epsom salts when I got home but after, when putting on body lotion afterward, my left hand cramped up from the thumb to the middle and I couldn’t use it. If I did try to move it it hurt terribly. After a bit it went away. However, I have been noticing for quite a while that my left hand feels different than my right. The tendons feel tight in comparison.

So, of course, I panicked a bit about my hand thinking it meant I was getting MS or something. lol I had a flash of a vision a while back (2 years ago maybe) where I lost grip in my hands. Memory of this vision returned and so I assumed the worse. It is likely nothing, though.

By bedtime I was feeling a bit down again. I can’t seem to shake the feeling of impending doom I’ve been having, it’s like I am going to die and am just waiting for the moment to get here.

Weird Energy

After falling asleep I woke suddenly from a vivid dream in which I was reciting a code used to teleport to another place. I could feel the energy of teleportation and everything. It was a very strange feeling! The dream was likely the result of watching Stargate SG1 before bed. lol But it was so vivid that I got up to write it down and then decided it was not worth it so went back to bed. It was only 10:20pm when I woke.

Not long after drifting back to sleep I was awakened suddenly but by very strong vibrations. They hit me on either side of my lower back near the kidney area. The vibrations were very focused and curved through my lower back as if hooking into my ovaries. The result was an almost violent jolt of energy that surged through my second chakra. Within seconds of becoming aware of the vibrations my vision was taken over, again almost violently, by hynagogia. It was like my eyelids were peeled back but they, of course, were closed. I could do nothing but allow and saw millions of tiny bubbles in dark tones undulating rhythmically with the vibrations.

Not long after, everything settled and the vibrations calmed and then stopped. If I had allowed it I could have gone OOB but I was way too aware for that. The whole experience left me wondering.

Dream: Job Offer in Georgia

The rest of the night was occupied by a lengthy dream where I was offered a job in Georgia. I was asked to use my degree in education to work with children. The work was similar to what I have done in the past and one of my ex-bosses offered it to me out of the blue.

I remember being in my old bedroom at my mom’s house when she offered me the job. She advised me to get my resume ready and to prepare to relocate. I got out of bed and began to dress, taking off my shirt and putting on a white bra. There was a man in the bed and so I turned my back on him but felt fine dressing in front of him. My ex-boss advised me not to do that and put a blanket up between me and the man. I laughed it off because it seemed unnecessary. I told her that in co-ed military quarters it was normal. I had an entire visual in my mind of it, too, like it was a past experience of mine. Also, the movie Starship Troopers came to mind. LOL

Though I don’t recall who the man was, I do remember he had dark hair and seemed to be a co-worker.

My ex-boss and I then traveled to where my new job would be – Georgia. She and I discussed the route first and I saw a map in my mind. There were two routes mapped out. The routes were along the interstates. One I took when I went to Tennessee – the northerly route – and the other was southerly along the coast. I saw a calculation of the miles and remember telling her, “Wouldn’t the southern route be faster?” The southern route mileage was less considering the location was in central Georgia. But we were going to “fly” there.

For a split second I remembered I knew someone who lived in Georgia and not very far at all from where I was going.

At the location I was introduced to a very stern lady who seemed like a head mistress. We were in a very large mansion-like place. She told me there were rules there but I can’t remember them now, I just recall a classroom like environment and certain tasks I was suppose to know how to do. Everyone else did them but I had neglected to in the past. I was reminded of how I often shirk my duties in jobs until I am forced to do them by a supervisor. There were male co-workers present but I only remember seeing them doing teacher “stuff”.

I went into the kitchen to make myself a bite to eat and my ex-boss was there but she looked like my MIL. I asked if I could make myself some food and she said I could. I also asked where everyone else was, it was oddly empty. I was told I was at a temporary location until the main building was finished. The one I was in was 30 stories and so I was shocked they were building a bigger one.

Then I was reporting to a large, circular classroom. There were seats in a semicircle like in a lecture hall. I remember seeing stairs leading down toward it with women of all shapes and sizes. I looked for one of the women who had come with me. She had strawberry blonde hair but I didn’t recognize her. The gathering felt very important but I don’t know why.

Later, I went outside to investigate the new building we were to eventually work in. I recall walking along a long, cement path/road. I looked up at the trees as I walked and felt a bit in awe of everything. Here I was in Georgia starting a new life, a new job. It all felt surreal. The trees seemed to blur in my vision, like I was flying and I felt really positive. I looked ahead and began to run toward a construction site. It felt really, really good to run with the wind in my hair. It was humid, but I didn’t care.

When I arrived at the site I saw piles of sandy dirt and men in gear. As I ran I noticed water on the cement and slipped and fell on my bottom. One of the men started laughing and I laughed, too. I got up and began to run and purposefully slide on the water as if it was a slip-in-slide. Another woman, one of my co-workers, came out and played with me. She looked a lot like me but was more cautious. The last thing I recall is sliding on my stomach.

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Message

When I woke I was thinking it odd that I was dreaming about getting a job in GA. Then I swear I both heard and read a message but I cut off the message, saying, “I don’t want to talk to you.” I think I was being asked what was wrong.

The dream was just too odd to ignore. At one point a guide said to me, “You can’t avoid it. Things are about to change.” I remember answering, “I know.”

Interpretation

Rather than go through all the dream symbolism, I will just say what the dream feels to be symbolic of as a whole. It feels like I am about to be offered a chance to take a job, job here being a purpose or mission perhaps. The fact that the job seems to be as a teacher/counselor might indicate that I am meant to help someone(s). A bra is support, so I will have support. The blanket is protection, so I will have protection. I am warned to not be so open, so maybe I need to be cautious when around the male gender? The visual of the map is likely to show me where this mission is focused. Georgia could be symbolic or maybe an actual location. It is hard to tell here, but I know Georgia was very much the focus of the entire dream.

The construction site also seems significant to me. It means something is being built, in this case a large school or similar (lesson). The piles of sandy dirt feel to be for the foundation. So perhaps I will be building foundations? My running and playing gives me a good feeling; hopeful and playful.

Overall the dream leaves me with a good feeling, but also curious.

 

 

Kundalini Dream: White Wedding

Unexpected but welcomed experiences last night.

Warning: May be TMI for some of you (or maybe not).

Kundalini Dream: White Wedding

The beginning of the dream is difficult to remember. There was discussion about wedding (becoming Whole, Union) preparations with my family. I recall the man who was to give me away looked like my ex-step-father, which is weird. The family was all staying in a hotel and I was being led around and given lots of instructions. I recall not really understanding fully what was going on. It was like I was in a dreamy haze, not sure if any of it was really going to happen.

I recall mentioning that I was already married and wondering how a marriage was going to work. I remember being told to think of it as a renewal of our vows but that didn’t match up in my mind. The man I was “renewing” my vows with was not the same man I was married to. Perhaps I was confusing the dream with reality at this point, which is quite common in dreams where I am just on the verge of becoming lucid.

At one point I was talking with a young, blonde man (aspect of self) who was approximately 20 years old. We were in his hotel room (getting away, relaxation) and he was frantic about what he had been told regarding it. He said that there was no ventilation in the room and that someone had cut off the air so that he would slowly suffocate (feeling trapped, anxious). The memory of this part of the dream is actually seeing the interaction between him and this awful, cruel person who seemed intent on scaring the poor boy.

I looked at the window (new perspective, insight) over the bed, pointing it out to him, and said, “But you have a window.” He said, “It won’t open. I am going to die in here.” I went over to the window and slid the entire front down and off of it. Cool air flowed in. I said, “See. It’s open now. You will be just fine.”

The young man was quite relieved. We both sat on the bed and talked about the upcoming wedding.

The dream got strange here. The lighting shifts in my memory and everything gets darker. A man is with me who I recognized as the man I will be marrying very soon – the next day. He has dark hair and feels older than me. Just being near him is intoxicating and I find myself pressing myself up against him and becoming very aroused. He is returning my affection and the energy just goes higher and higher to the point that I am completely blissed-out on the energy of us.

The whole time this energy is rising there is discussion about the upcoming marriage. There seems to be another man in the room talking to me. He is standing near the door and I cannot recall his face. His energy reminds me of a guide’s energy, very to the point and stoic.

It is hard to remember what this guide said, though, because I was thoroughly into the man I was with. I remember saying I could not wait to be married. It felt like we were having sex right there in front of the guide but I don’t think “sex” is the right word. Whatever it was, I was experiencing multiple orgasmic waves throughout my body. I haven’t experienced anything like it before and the more I interacted with the man, the more intense it became to the point that I was surprised I was able to stand it. It felt like the energy was cycling through me – root to crown and back again – and speeding up, building to the point of unheard of levels of ecstasy.

Despite the pleasure I was experiencing, there was a conversation on-going. I remember seeing my wedding gown and being told I needed to get ready. The man I was with (we were on the floor) suddenly sat up and said something about losing his gum (sticky situation or feeling vulnerable). He sounded a bit angry but it didn’t phase me. I looked, located a piece of yellow (solar plexus, control, fear) gum on the floor, pointed it out and said, “It’s okay. It’s right there.”

That is when the voice of the guide told me to get my shoes (new approach on life) on. I jumped up, energy still cycling through my body, and looked for my shoes. I recall seeing a flash of my own face. I had a large, crusty sore (holding in some negative emotion) on my face (self-identity). I grabbed one tennis shoe that looked like it fit a child (innocence, curiosity) and then found the other.

I woke up suddenly from the dream. The energy of my interactions with the man still flowing through me. It felt fantastic!

Two songs were going through my mind as I woke: White Wedding and You Oughta Know.

The lyrics going through my head were: “And I’m here to remind you, of the mess you made when you went away”.

The lyrics from this one were: “It’s a nice day to start again. It’s a nice day for a white wedding.”

Yeah, strange combination. It felt like a message that would be something like, “Sorry about the mess I made when I left. Can we start again? It’s a nice day for a white wedding.”

OBE: Two’s

Somehow I ended up asleep, or in the in-between, because the next thing I recall is being lucid standing outside next to a tall, wooden privacy fence (division within self). It was dark and I was very obviously OOB. It took me a bit to get my wits about me because I had not expected to go OOB, but once I did I enjoyed every moment of it.

I climbed up on the fence, somewhat floating but feeling pulled down toward the ground. I felt and then saw a dog (protection, fidelity) below and behind me. He was barking but I did not feel fear. He felt like my deceased dog, Trooper. My focus was on the clusters of white flowers that just appeared in the air near me. The first was a single, white daisy (love, sensuality). I plucked it from the air and then let it fall down toward the dog. He snatched it up in his mouth and I said, “Good boy!”

Then I spotted a cluster of white flowers floating above the fence. I floated up and inspected them for a bit. They were beautiful and delicate. I remember feeling joy at seeing them and knowing they were a message of good things to come.

I could see the entire back yard from the top of the fence. I saw a swimming pool (cleansing, renewal) to my right and other yards with fences. I tried to fly up but kept being pulled down. So I just let myself float down. I was saying something as I floated down. I think it was something like, “Take me where you will.”

As I floated I hovered close to the ground and then was pulled along for a while. I was completely at ease and happy. The scene shifted, I felt it shift, and then I was standing in my bedroom. The door was in the wrong place and open to a hallway that isn’t there in real life. I walked into the hallway and encountered my daughter. I could hear her and my son talking very loudly. My daughter walked past me followed by another version of herself. I realized there were two of her and they were from different time periods. I smiled and continued walking down the hallway thinking, “There is more than one of everyone here.”

In the kitchen I encountered my sons sitting at a table. They were saying, “We’re hungry.” I got out some thick, peanut butter stuff. My middle son rejected his and I encouraged him to try it because it was almond butter (peace). I recall there being two of both my sons.

Then I went into the living area. Laying on the sofa I found my ex-husband and two versions of me, both with short hair. One I recognized as me when I was quite young. The other as me about a decade ago. Both of these other versions of me were aware of me and talking to each other and my ex. My ex said something about how I was not me, it could not be me. I looked closely at the other two me’s, noting “when” these me’s existed and concluded aloud, “No. I’m better.” Then I smiled and said, “Look, my hair is much longer now.” I showed him my hair that was pulled back into a ponytail (girlhood, putting one’s hair up).

My ex accepted this and I remember asking permission to get closer to him. We kissed and the kiss was quite real. I kept kissing him, fully enjoying the sensation of it. I remember saying, “You always were a good kisser.” This made me curious about sex. Would it also be good? I asked him and he agreed that it was okay. So we had sex right there on the sofa. It was all very real feeling.

Once awake I was shocked at just how much sexual activity occurred in one night! First, the Kundalini full body orgasms that were beyond amazing and intoxicating – Divine. Then the very physical versions which far exceeded any orgasms I’ve had in this body in this lifetime (but then all dream orgasms are much better than awake ones IMO).

I have not had an OBE since January and before that had one in December. OBEs are few and far between these days and I have not had one quite like this in a long while. I feel absolutely wonderful this morning. Completely satisfied in more than one way. So grateful for these experiences. They came just when needed.

 

Dream: Shifting Poles

Woke up again this morning not knowing what day of the week it was and struggling to figure it out. lol This has been happening since my husband left the end of January. I don’t panic when it happens but it is odd!

At work yesterday I signed the checks I cut to pay invoices. I am officially a co-signer on the business bank account. I made sure not to look at the check amounts because some were over $50K and I am a little freaked that I am signing checks for that amount! There will be many more checks in the future, some topping $100K so I have to get use to it I guess.

I realized last night that this change in my job duties indicates a longer term position than I originally considered when I took the job. In fact, the next step (months away I hope) is to replace my supervisor/coworker, the one who is now under hospice care at home waiting to die from cancer in her brain. 😦 I will likely be put on salary soon and my pay will increase steadily as I prove myself more and more competent.

I honestly don’t know what to think of all this. I am neutral, really. Ten years ago, if anyone had asked me where I would be at this time in my life I would not have seen this type of career path, that is for sure! I always saw myself as a teacher and counselor. It just goes to show how life can take us in unexpected directions, directions we choose via our thoughts and intentions. My decision to stop working in the educational system and find a new path resulted in this path but only because I did not resist it. Otherwise, I might still be a stay-at-home mom struggling to figure out what I wanted to do with myself once my youngest started school.

I went to visit my friend/coworker with cancer at her home last week. She was in good spirits but has lost the ability to use her legs. So she is bed bound and spends much of her time sleeping. Her cognitive ability seems unchanged, though, and she was her usual self. Sadly, she looked to have aged 10+ years overnight. Her weight is only 85lbs now and she should weigh 130lbs. The good news is she is not in any pain and appears very peaceful for the most part. She continues to talk as if she is going to fully recover and return to work anytime. Denial perhaps? Or maybe just her personality as she tends to be very optimistic. Right now she is holding on to see her only child and son. He just got released from prison and she has not seen him in over 20 years. He is expected to visit in a few months (he’s on probation now). Thus, it looks like my dream prediction of June might come to pass as my friend’s death month.

Yesterday my husband once again triggered me into thinking all hope is lost for our marriage. I just can’t get him to see things my way when it comes to money/finance and if I can’t then he will continue to be untrustworthy in that department. I can’t see where we are going as a couple and, like my job, I feel a bit neutral about all of it right now. It seems like I am in the midst of a lesson on surrender and Trust. Maybe I am doing well considering I am not reacting like I would normally. There are so many things the me from a decade ago would be doing now that I am not – like talking to my mom and inviting her into my problems, doing things to “punish” my husband so he knows he is “wrong”, and just letting my Ego-child throw her tantrums. I have instead been allowing myself to feel the uncomfortable emotions rather than getting angry and vengeful for the hurt I am feeling.

I am also trying really hard not to look into my future to try and predict what will happen next. It is easy to think of all the scenarios but it does me no good if I can’t decide what I want to happen. There are continual internal reminders to focus on what I want and not on what I don’t want. Since thinking of what I want often leads to the don’t wants I have just been trying to keep my mind blank. If I am thinking of something it is usually the Kundalini bliss and wanting that to be a permanent part of my life experience. Even then I think, “But……” because my current reality doesn’t seem to lead to the possibility of what I want. With that I have to remind myself that what I can see presently is limited. So much is unknown and that is okay.

Most recently I have asked my guidance to help me clear the blockages in my energy field. I want to be a clear conduit for the Kundalini and I am not that at present. There are many layers of blockages and, though I have cleared many already, there are more.

sunset

Dream: Shifting Poles

Strange yet very vivid dream last night about the shifting of the magnetic poles.

I was on a trip with my youngest. We were walking along an overgrown path, heading north. It felt like Alaska but it didn’t look like Alaska. My son was in front of me, much smaller than he is now. I stayed behind him to keep him in my sight. The scene was absolutely beautiful. There were fields of sunflowers (spiritual guidance, perserverence) to our right. Hills covered in giant sunflowers and rolling hills in the distance that took my breath away. To our left were massive clusters of white flowers, like Begonias. I said to my son, “Look out for butterflies.” As I said this, a massive Monarch butterfly (transformation) flew past me, brushing up against my cheek. I thought the white flowers must be milkweed (hope and happiness).

The path kept narrowing and eventually we could not proceed because it turned into a cliff edge (hard times ahead). I told my son to turn around as I looked over the edge and could not see the bottom.

As we made our way back I saw a man standing in the middle of the path behind us. He looked at me strangely and I felt a bit weirded out. His hair was shoulder length, he had very pale skin and he just stared at me. He asked me something and I paused. He reached out and touched the ends of my hair asking me if I normally kept my hair so long. I remember answering him and him placing both his palms on my upper back as if he wanted something from me. I lingered a bit and then told him I had to catch up to my son. I almost became lucid from the man’s touch.

When I turned around, my son was on some train tracks that extended out over some water and just ended mid-air. I warned him to be careful and he slipped over the edge onto a bunch of jagged rocks. He was completely fearless. I looked below and saw canoes and all kinds of boats (journey, exploration). I remember thinking it had not been there before and being a bit confused about direction.

My son then ran over the bridge and I followed. We ended up on a moving ship (emotional journey). One minute the bridge ended over open water and the next we were on a boat!

Once on board I saw a completely naked man walk past. I said to the captain, “Was that a naked man?” He said, “Some people are.” Then I went to look for my daughter who I saw go out on the deck.

The next thing I recall is sitting inside a bus (following the crowd) or train traveling with a group. We were in Alaska (it seemed). I realized the road I had been on previously with my son was not the road we were now on. I had been lost. I exclaimed to the group, “Now I know where we are! The shifting poles must have led me in the wrong direction! North is no longer the north it use to be.”

The bus came to a stop and everyone got out. I stopped and stared at the gold and orange foliage of the trees and the rays of sunlight pouring through. The sunset (endings) was spectacular and I got out my camera to take a photo only it wouldn’t work. When I looked through the camera the colors were gone and it was turning dark.

Eventually I realized I must be out of pictures and opened up my camera to pull out 35mm film that indicated there were only 15 photos on it. I was upset because I had no more film. A man offered me a new roll. The sense from the man was he was different and I did not know what to think of his energy. I can’t remember what he looks like now but somehow we were connected. He called and ordered food over the phone and I asked him where he was staying. He kept saying to me that he was stuck there because his partner was so slow. It seemed his partner was a male and wanted to sight see and the man did want to linger.

Considerations

When I woke I didn’t know what to think of the dream. Overall, the feeling I had upon waking was good. I felt rested and calm. The dream itself seemed to be hopeful. The visuals of the sunflowers, butterfly and milkweed was very vivid, still is. The man who touched my upper back is also vivid but I can’t see his face. I can’t quite place the odd feeling I got from the man. Was I afraid of him? Was he giving me a warning? I can’t say. Perhaps his hands were meant as healing or maybe he was pushing me, trying to get me on the right path?

Ships are a common dream symbol for me. They indicate emotion and healing, delving under the surface into the subconscious. Yay. Not.

The message about the poles shifting is interesting as well. In the dream I realized I had been going the wrong way. The road was still in the same place but magnetic north moved. Since I was using a compass to go north I went that way and the road was now more to the west. Perhaps this is a message that I need to stick to the road. IDK. So weird!

 

Kundalini Dream Visitor

Yesterday I had a nice little win in regards to my panic episodes. While driving to and from work I successfully staved off rising panic by firmly thinking to it, “NO!”. It worked!

Years ago after my first spiritual awakening my Companion, Steven, gave me advice on how to stop negative thoughts. He said, “Tell them to stop.” I didn’t believe him but sure enough, when I told them to stop they would. I only remembered his advice after I had successfully stopped the panic inducing thoughts, though.

With that I also recalled a meditation episode early on, before the “first” meditation (obvious not first but oh well) that opened me up to my gifts. I was living in Montana, it was around 1999 and I had been struggling with depression and negative thoughts. I meditated to find a suspected “gin” (negative entities that attach to us). To my surprise I saw him as a shadowy figure in the peripheral of my mental vision and I “fought” him off. This memory caused me to consider that maybe I still have some negative energies working to keep me down. I have no doubt that something is influencing me but I can’t say it is an “entity” for sure because I think everything has a purpose and often these “entities” are just our Egos and fractured aspects of self.

So, a successful commute yesterday means I may be on the way to conquering my panic/anxiety.

Kundalini Dream Visitor 

Prior to bed I caught myself thinking something that seemed to be a response to someone. I mentally said, “He wants to visit me.” Intercepting the thought brought on awareness of the meaning behind it. “He” was not clear but the “visit” would be in dreamtime. It felt like I was being asked if I would be okay with a visit. I said it was okay.

Still, though, I had not expected to actually have a dream visitor.

Most of the dream is hazy now. What I do recall is being in what felt to be my mom’s house. The entire dream scene is dark in my memory, like the lights were turned down. It was hard to make out furniture and the faces of the people I was interacting with. There was a man with me, though, who felt familiar. He and I seemed to be having a “date”. I can’t remember how he looked except that he had dark hair and was taller than me. He also felt quite a bit older than me but not old enough to be my father.

Our conversation is lost to me now as is most of the sequence of events in the dream. I remember handling food, like preparing our meal. I was focused on the salad (expression of feelings and acceptance of positive in life). I stood over a kitchen sink when the man gave me something, part of the meal I think, and I put it on a tray over one side of the sink.

The man’s energy is more memorable to me than anything. When he was near me it felt like he was seducing me, or better yet, as if we were dancing. I was extremely drawn to him and drunk on bliss. The memory of the energy is as if it was pulsating, like we would get close and then separate and the energy kept pulling us back together.

I recall seeing the man’s plate of greens, uneaten, and thinking that he forgot to eat them. Then my attention was drawn to a woman laying in the middle of the floor, blankets (protection) over her as if she was trying to sleep. I thought of her as my “mom” (aspect of self, mother aspect). She was not supportive of me having a relationship with this man and as a result there was some attempt on our part to sneak around.

At the end of the dream there was a part that is a bit confusing. It was as if I switched bodies and became my mom. I watched as me and the man embraced. I yelled out and fought off a person who was trying to hold me back from pushing a large button. I managed to hit the button, though.

Then the man was standing in front of me telling me that he felt we should slow down and take our time. We had planned to be intimate (or that is what it felt like) but he decided to end our “date” instead. He promised another date in the future and kept repeating that we should “take things slow”.

The energy of our connection was intense and obvious by this point. The bliss was intoxicating and I struggled to understand why the man would withdraw when it was so obvious that we were good together.

I woke up soon after and the energy had mostly subsided, only some residual energy remained in my second and third chakras. The memory of the bliss I had been feeling was enough, though, that I did not want to be awake.

A song was going through my head, one I heard yesterday on the way to work. The part that was going through my head, “Some things we can never choose, even if we try….”

Messages

I lingered in bed going in and out of the in-between after I woke and trying to remember as much of the dream encounter as I could. As a result I had some messages come through about taking things slow because of the work that still needed to be done on my energy body. I also both saw and heard the date – March 17th. It was written as 3/17 and flashed in my mind.

There was a message that came both audibly and written out on a black background in my mind. There were two lines that appeared simultaneously. The bottom line, written in blue, read, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” The top line, written in red, was longer but I only remember the last line because the voice was saying it as I received the written message. It said, “I will wait.”

There was a sense along with the words/message that the man had not intended to upset me and was truly apologetic about it. It also felt as if he is waiting in the background, like lingering in my energy field just outside of my conscious awareness.

I have a sense of who this man is but since it was not obvious I will just wait and see what happens next. Dream encounters like this are common for me, so the true significance behind them is often not understood until much later and sometimes not at all.

The bliss is memorable, though, and I can’t help but miss it when it is gone.

Full Moon Blues

From physical imbalance and illness, to emotional upset and lethargy, this full moon is really putting me through the ringer! I hope you all are faring better than I am and experiencing bliss and high energy. If not, I am sorry. I’m right there with you.

Yesterday morning I was doing pretty okay considering. So good in fact that I completed an hour-long weight lifting routine. I lifted pretty heavy and pushed myself hard physically, which is my norm, but instead of feeling better for it, I felt “off”.

I began to feel light-headed toward the end of the workout, so, I took longer breaks and completed the entire sequence as planned. It got a bit scary, though, to the point of almost causing me panic because of how sleepy/zoned out I began to get. I did the normal stuff to replenish my body’s lost reserves – had a protein shake, hydrated and rested. When those things didn’t revive me, I decided to go with my body’s indicators that I needed more rest and took a hot bath to relax.

After my bath I felt even more tired and lethargic to the point that I just wanted to lay around. Ultimately, I ended up laying in bed crying on and off until I gathered up what remaining energy I could muster and made a nice dinner for the kids. I felt a bit better after eating and spent some time watching t.v. with my kids before heading to bed around 9pm.

Prior to sleep I had a glass of wine while watching more t.v. to distract and numb myself as best I could. It didn’t work. A particularly sympathetic feeling female guide began talking to me, asking me questions and sending loving energy hugs. That did it. I burst into tears. After several cycles of crying I was depleted once again and fell asleep.

Dream: Trip to the Mountains

The beginning of the dream is fuzzy. I recall talking with a man as we traveled toward the mountains. He and I made plans to stay at a cabin but I told him I needed to do something first and would meet him in the morning. I remember when I told him this he was disappointed but agreed.

I went to a hotel room where I met up with my daughter and her girlfriends. The sense here was that I had to finish up my trip with her before I could meet up with the man. I spent much of this part of the dream “cleaning up” the mess she and her friends made, repeatedly telling them to pick up their things and trying to gather all our stuff before checking out. There are flashes of memory of looking under furniture for things that might accidentally get left behind and finding a pair of my daughter’s sneakers. There was also this pedal with a wire connected to it that resembled the pedal to a sewing machine, only it was to a computer.

There is also memory of knowing I would be going on a hike with my daughter but I don’t know if I ever did. I just remember that I got so caught up in the things I needed to do that I forgot about my male friend and our plans. I no-showed and I’m not sure how many days/weeks it took for me to realize my forgetfulness.

When I woke form this dream part of a song was going through my head – “Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I’ll be…..” At the same time I was thinking of my marriage and how in 2015, after having a dream, I woke up with a decision to leave my husband – but I never did. I realized I had considered leaving him many times since but every time back pedaled for one reason or the other.

Depleted

I still feel completely depleted of all energy this morning. It is like the energy sickness only it has spread to my physical body. I feel ill but at a soul level. It is hard to describe but it feels like my tank is on empty and I am running on fumes.

The dream above is similar to another dream – OBE actually – I had a long time ago and was one of the last time my physical counterpart had visited me. My children were there and one was crying. My counterpart had been trying to get my attention but the need of my children for me was too much and I turned away from him. I chose them over him in the above dream as well.

I’m not sure if this dream is just showing me my focus or if it is meant to show me something else. All I know is that the feelings I am having are very difficult to deal with. It is such intense grief and loss that I don’t feel I have the strength in me to continue. I am re-experiencing some things that in the past were a struggle to get through. For example, I keep thinking, “This is going to kill me.” Then there are flashes of all these past lives where I have died from this exact kind of pain. In some I killed myself to escape it. In others I just lost the will to live and so died not long after.

All of these feelings are familiar. They haunted me most of 2017 but were especially difficult the last couple of months in 2016. It is the total decimation feeling all over again.

I asked – begged – my guidance to help me find resolution. Obviously death is not going to free me. If anything, death just perpetuates it. So then what? How do I reconcile it? Do I just continue living my life secretly carrying with me this kind of pain? Pretending I am okay when I’m not? To think of doing that is unbearable to me. I know I can’t manage it.

Somehow I fell into the in-between amidst the unbearable pain I was feeling. I was brought out of my reverie by a message I both heard and saw in my mind. The voice was familiar, the tone fitting. The male voice joked, “Now don’t be a [something, something] Jasper!” I saw it written out as if in an email as I heard it. Then I replied something like, “Who is Jasper?” but he seemed not to hear me. Instead, I saw and heard his reply followed by another message indicating I had not responded and him asking me why.

Now fully awake I was furious at him. He, of course, was making light of the situation, trying to make me laugh. I yelled silently in my mind that it was NOT a joking matter.

I figured the “Jasper” part was likely a message so I looked it up. Turns out it is fitting. See for yourself. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Simulated Reality

This morning I am feeling a little bit better but my lower back and abdomen are still sore. Unfortunately, when I woke my eyes were glued together by eye boogers and now they are dry and bloodshot. I am hoping it is just allergies and not pink eye.

I have some odd memories from dreamtime. Most likely lots of healing work was being done and based upon how my lower body feels, most of the healing was to my first and second chakras.

Dream: Self-Stimulation

Not much of the dream specifics are available to me now but I remember enough to give you an idea of the experience. It involves a tool that looked kinda like this:

Mintcraft GT8801 Bulb Planter

The main difference is that the end of the tool I had came to several points, like sharp teeth. When you hear how it was being used you will cringe.

I recall taking this pointy tool and jabbing it into my vagina. Yeah, it was painful and thankfully the sensation was dulled enough in the dream to not wake me. I’m not sure why I was doing this but I was receiving instruction. Actually, I may not have been the one doing it but that doesn’t really matter.

What I recall next was an energy sensation rising from my root into my second chakra and spreading out. It was painful, too. It felt similar to really bad menstrual cramps. Yet at the same time the pain was pleasurable, which in itself is weird. In my memory I have a visual of a muddy red-brown color swirling throughout my energy body at the second chakra. As a medical intuitive this coloration is exactly what I would in a woman’s aura who was about to or was in the process of menstruating.

The dream woke me up. My midsection hurt and my lower back ached.

Dream: Moving to Montana

The start of this dream occurred inside a large mobile home. I was discussing the position of sliding glass doors with someone. The man told me how easy it was to just move them to replace other large windows. I shifted the doors to where the window in the kitchen was as if to test this out.

Then I was flying low over a highway with someone (a guide probably). On my right I saw a man on a red four-wheeler. He took a different route and my eyes followed him for a while until he disappeared under an overpass. I remember telling the person with me my feelings about this. I knew the man and disliked his decision to go it alone.

As we continued to fly the area of around the highway leveled out and I could see ahead for a great distance. To my right I again saw the man on the four-wheeler. He had sped up and was traveling fast for an ATV. I remember thinking he must be going 40mph. I knew he had opted to go into the mountains and saw him take a dirt road and disappear.

Again I disapproved. I said something to my guide similar to, “He likes to do things his own way.”

Still flying, the highway disappeared and I saw below me green grass. Then a section of road appeared behind which was a small community. I knew to stop flying and slow down. So I put on my “brakes” and stopped right where the grass met the road.

A group of people consisting of adults and children was waiting to welcome us. They knew we had been coming and showed me around their little community. I knew it was a military station of some sort and their job was to observe things. There is a memory of seeing a round telescope and rows of houses built for the residents.

The woman, a tall, slender blonde woman, was my tour guide. It seemed I was to stay there a while and it felt like my husband and I were “pilots” because she kept referring to my “flying in”. I think I confused this with my other life, when I was married to my ex, because I kept feeling like we were in Alaska.

The woman showed me an area that was overgrown with all sorts of flowers. Some of the flowering plants were as tall as trees with white blooms that resembled trumpets. I was in awe of how many there were and how gorgeous they all were. There was also a field of smaller flowers. It was very beautiful.

I recall asking her where she was from. She said, “Mantuk” or something that sounded like that. I said, “Ah, Canada. So you came south.” I seemed to think once again I was in Montana at that time in the dream

I then walked over to a section of windows and looked through. Below was a road heading to a building. The road was dirt and at one point it circled a small pond that had a bridge over it. It looked like a person could either drive over the bridge or around the pond. I thought it beautiful regardless, because it reminded me of a small farm in the country.

A man came in at that time. He was smoking a rolled joint and talking to me and the woman. He seemed to be the woman’s partner. He offered her the joint and she took a drag and gave it back. Eventually the joint was too small and the man ate it. I remember thinking it odd that they would be smoking weed considering it was a military town.

The man then showed me a control panel composed of blocks with letters on them. He pointed to the farm and indicated that he could change the scene simply by moving one of the blocks. He moved one and the entire scene changed into a break room inside a building. The farm was gone. I was fascinated by this and marveled at the technology.

The whole time it felt like I was waiting in this place for my husband to fly in and join me.

When I woke a song was in my head. Specifically, “So I’ll go, I’ll go, I will go, go, go.”

Considerations

When I woke I was not in a good mood. I’m not sure why, really. The last dream didn’t feel bad to me. I knew who the man was on the red four-wheeler, though, and that is likely why I was feeling so down. An ATV symbolizes going off the beaten path and seeking solitude which fits this person perfectly.

Montana symbolizes my spiritual journey. The fact that I am going there to stay seems like a good thing, but I can’t be certain. Flowers symbolize perfection and spirituality but white flowers, which these were, symbolize sadness. The feeling in the dream was indicative of Spring and newness, though, so it is hard to say what exactly the flowers symbolize.

My feeling about the telescope and military base is that it is a place where observation takes place, where one can see things clearer and are separated from the rest of the world in an attempt to gain perspective. The people there felt like a welcoming party, like they knew me and I definitely knew them, though not personally. It was more like I knew them as coworkers or acquaintances.

I don’t know if the man on the ATV was my partner or not. It did feel like his destination was the same as mine, though, so who knows.

This morning I had a consideration that this life and my experiences were like my own simulated reality and no one else here with me was experiencing what I was. It came with a strange feeling like I am inside a video game practicing to get something right. Suddenly it felt like the telescope was pointed directly at me!

One of the lessons I am learning seems to be that whenever I feel “special” it will be reflected back to me that I am not that. For example, I have an awakening and gain all these “special” gifts only to find a decade later that many have those same gifts and I am not special at all. It is the same with the Kundalini and twin flame type experience. Everywhere I turn there is another person claiming to have these same experiences.

This consideration of a simulated reality makes me feel a bit uncomfortable and odd. I know it is likely partly truth but that I have not quite made all the connections to understand what it really means. I had a flash of a vision (memory maybe?) of leaving my simulated reality and watching as humanity destroyed themselves and Earth. I watched Earth as if it were on a bubble-like screen in front of me. It was as if the man in the dream picked up a block and changed everything in a blink of an eye, just like he did in the dream.

The message from this image and my dream seems to be that Earth is a tool and nothing more. It is an agreed upon, co-created simulated reality where we can learn and see the results of our decisions and actions. The sense I had was that my simulated experience was preparing me for something, but I do not know what. Whatever I am being prepared for, it is not only for me and it is not finished in this lifetime (simulated or not).