Couldn’t get to sleep again last night. It was after midnight before I did. Despite feeling tired all day, the minute I decided to sleep, I couldn’t. I don’t have anything going through my head, really, so it doesn’t make sense.
I did end up thinking about random things, though. In one instance, I was thinking about a dream I had where I had met up with someone I know. I’m not sure why as I wasn’t intending to. It was more like I entered into the in-between. While there I never know why I think/say/see what I do.
While imagining this scenario, a song came into my mind. The song then got stuck in my head – “Let it happen, let it happen. It’s gonna feel so good.”
The video is the original song, but the one I heard was the remix version which is 9 minutes long and much better IMO. I posted the shorter one because it has the lyrics.
When I go on my many walks, I listen to YouTube, letting it play whatever comes up. This song randomly played on my walk one day recently. When I heard it I knew it was a message to “let it happen” when the time comes. “It” being the transformation by the Kundalini. To not resist what it brings and allow it to flow, unencumbered and without interference of the mind or the fear that inevitably follows.
If you read all the lyrics you may get an idea of why I feel so drawn to it. Some parts stick out to me: “All this running around trying to cover my shadow” and “I can hear an alarm”. The word “shadow” reminds me of something I was told recently, that I am running from my Shadow self, scared to confront it. The word “alarm” has also come up. I was told an alarm would go off. But in general, the song speaks to me, so it is no wonder it came to mind as part of a message.
I told my guidance to knock it off because it sure wasn’t helping me sleep. It felt like they were hounding me to do something. I couldn’t help but suspect that I was being deceived, like they (my guides/HS) are trying to destroy me, ruin my life or send me on a wild goose chase.
When I fell asleep I ended up in a kind of dream counseling session.
Dream: Can’t Trust Myself
This is one of those dreams where I just found myself in a new place without having any idea how I got there. My mind was blank and my emotions were flat. I just followed along in the dream, not caring why I was there or what the point of it all was.
I was inside a small store with some other young women. They were all college aged and it felt like I was, too. It felt like I was in a half-way house; a place where someone goes who needs to start over. The women treated me like the new girl and ushered me around with them. I remained silent and felt very sad – dead inside – the whole time. I felt as if I was in shock from a traumatic event, but there was no memory of any event, just this empty sadness.
The women all left and I stayed in the store, alone. They had turned all the lights out but I didn’t care. I saw a door to the back so decided to investigate. When I entered the room I found it to be a bedroom with three bunkbeds (nostalgia). They were all squeezed together in the small space leaving very little room for anything else. I looked at them and wondered which bed was mine. I couldn’t remember.
Then I noticed another room adjacent to the bedroom and hidden behind a thick, dark curtain. I could see through the space between the curtain and the wall. There was a small girl (inner child) with Down’s Syndrome (developmental delay) playing. She looked at me and acted fearful and I realized I had caught her doing something she should not. She pretended to go to sleep and that is when I noticed there was tiny beds amongst the bigger bunk beds.
I went back outside into the main store area. This is when I realized that the “store” was actually a school for young children and the women were teachers who lived in the back room when the school was closed. I thought the whole idea was a good one but did not get excited about it.
I was hungry so went to a table where some food items were and filled a cup with yogurt (doing what’s good for me). This is when the other women came back. One noticed I was eating. I asked if she wanted some. She looked at my cup and asked, “Did you put sugar in it? We don’t eat sugar (something bad for me) here. It’s bad for you.” I looked at my cup knowing I had put something sweet in it. I said to her, “Yes. Who eats yogurt plain? It’s not good.” The woman didn’t reply but I continued and said, “I didn’t put sugar in it, just a sugar substitute.” She replied to that saying something about helping find the right substitute but I was already upset, caught up in the thought that I was messing things up, breaking rules and not fitting in. I remember looking into the cup of yogurt thinking how it was all just too much to try and keep up with all the rules and do what everyone wants me to do.
Feeling overwhelmed and sad, I turned around to leave but the dream shifts and I find myself sitting in front of a woman. She began to ask me questions about why I felt the way I did. “Why are you so sad,” she asked. I began to tell her about an event in my life that had left me changed – damaged. I told her, “It/he destroyed me.” As I told her more of the details of it, the sadness grew larger and larger until I began to sob, tears streaming down my cheeks.
The dream scene faded and I somehow ended up in the in-between talking to this woman, though I never saw her. I could hear her feminine voice, though, and feel her encouragement. She said, “Tell me about it”. I told her my story and how it made me feel. She asked about another, similar event. I explained that it/he wasn’t the same and could never come close to the first. What hurt so much was that I felt I had finally found what I had been looking for. It was like a missing piece of myself was finally found. And then, it was taken away; withheld from me, and I was left feeling as if that piece could never be recovered and would remain that way for the rest of my life. Because of it, I had lost all hope of ever really finding happiness and love in my life. I would be left only with the hollow, human version of that love, which would never, ever compare. And I would be left to live the rest of my life with a part of me missing, unable to retrieve it.
As a result, I’ve stopped trying. Given up. I am just waiting for this life to run its course.
In the end, I woke up, leaving the in-between, but the discussion continued. My eyes were overflowing with tears, the kind that just well up and leak out all over my face. The ultimate realization I had was that I had lost all trust in myself – in my HS, my guidance, my Knowing. What I felt so strongly, what I had Known in my heart to be true, turned out to be a lie. How can I ever trust what I feel again? How do I know that what I feel is even mine? What if I am being deceived and everything in this lifetime that I feel, hear, think, do is a lie?
There aren’t many things in this life that hit me hard like that experience. That ring so true that my entire Being lights up inside and out. That scream to me, “THIS IS IT!” To feel I had finally found what I had come into this life for only to have it turn out to be what it did, how can I ever recover from that? Why would I be led into a trap like that? Why would my guidance want me to experience such loss? It felt like I was finally Home, then I was left with…..nothing. The only explanation has to be that I somehow misinterpreted it all. I must have screwed up. If that is the case, then how can I know that what I feel and how I interpret it is even accurate?
I don’t think there is anyway to recover what I have lost. I am just…..broken. And my only comfort comes in the thought that one day I will actually get to go Home and I know that when I get there, that piece of me that I found and then lost, will be there, too.
Back to the Song Message
I had never heard of the band Tame Impala or the song, so I Googled it. Turns out the entire album theme is “letting go”. The song is about going with the flow and not resisting the “currents of change” which are “unstoppable forces”. Ha! The song is about personal transition and/or transformation.
When I was reading over many of my dreams, signs, syncs and messages of the past few months, it does point to some kind of event or transformation up and coming. I can’t ignore it but at the same time I want to shrug it off. Why hope that something amazing is coming only to end up like I have in the past – disappointed, discouraged or, worse, decimated.
Here is the 9 minute version of the song and the one that played while I was on my walk: