Cougar

More strange dreams and visions last night.

Vision – Cougar

I had a very close-up encounter with a mountain lion/cougar. I was face-to-face with it. There was no message with it, no sense of fear or awe, just the encounter. I did not see it’s entire body, just it’s face. When I came out of my reverie my thought was that it was beautiful.

This is the second cougar encounter I’ve had. The first was a dream not long ago where I saw a cougar in my grandmother’s garden. I was not afraid of it then, either.

I am reminded of a real life encounter I had with cougar. It was years ago when I lived in Montana. There was this particular route my ex-husband and I use to hike, and sometimes cross country ski, in the mountains. At the time he was hunting elk during bow season. I always went with him even though I didn’t hunt. I enjoyed hiking the beautiful terrain and took every opportunity I could to get close to a herd of elk.

Early on in the hike my ex told me, “Don’t move.” He said it in such a way that I froze on the spot. He then pointed to the ridge. I looked up and saw a mountain lion staring back at us. She was the same color as the grass, so well camouflaged that I would never have seen her had he not pointed her out. I don’t remember being afraid, but excited. She was really close, even closer through the scope of the rifle. Eventually she left and we went on our way. My ex reassured me telling me they don’t usually attack full grown humans. Still, I was looking behind me for a while after that. lol

I looked up the symbolism of the cougar. This is what I discovered:

Your coming into your power
Take charge, step-up and show your strength
Set clear intention to navigate your path
Lead by example
Do not force others to follow
Key words: courage, opportunity, assertiveness, action

All of the above reflect what I have been feeling/intuiting lately. I have been feeling especially ferocious, like the Lion in me is ready to tear up whatever stands in my way. For example, yesterday we took our kids to a local hamburger place, Hat Creek. While sitting at one of the long, picnic style booths, a woman stood behind my husband waiting for him to move. She was waiting maybe 1 minute and said something in a quiet voice to him. The room was very noisy so he didn’t hear her until maybe the third time she spoke. He moved, smiling, but as she passed him by she rolled her eyes at him. He didn’t see it but I saw it. OMG I was ready to attack that woman! LOL Instead I said as loud as I could, “Someone’s got an attitude problem.” She didn’t hear. It was too loud in there.

It took me a good 10 minutes to calm down. I kept watching the woman and her family and all these judgement were surfacing. I just let them pass and reminded myself to choose love instead. Despite this I ended up being critical of humanity itself as I watched the parents (75% of which were overweight or obese) feed their children fatty, greasy foods. I fantasized about passing out the nutrition information of the food there to everyone, asking if they knew what they were eating and how it was affecting their health/body. I wondered how long it would take for someone to take offense or for the owners to escort me out. I looked down at my salad and then at my own kids who were rejecting their burgers, proud that I had at least taught my own children a bit about healthy choices.

So, yeah, feeling a bit fierce these days. 🙂 Even now, in recalling the whole situation, I want to go on and on about how screwed up Americans are, how self-indulgent, unhealthy, materialistic, etc, etc. You get the idea.

Similarly, I sense in myself an unwillingness to put up with shit in my life, specifically within my home. But there is also a patience that goes along with it that is keeping me from going overboard. I am grateful for that part because I tend to jump the gun when I get like this. I make quick decisions without first considering how those decisions might affect others. So, at least I am getting the part of the message that says, “Don’t force others to follow.”

Note: Just considered the slang meaning of “cougar” – a woman who seeks sex with significantly younger men. Gotta laugh about this. 

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Dream – Doctor Visit

I had what seemed like a dream that lasted all night. In it I was first a doctor and then a patient. As the doctor (my ability to heal or help) I was a part of a team that was in the process of expanding. New doctors were coming on board. I observed the group get larger and was upset by the tendency of the other doctors to compete with one another. One of the first things these new doctors were told was, “We are all equals here. There is no need to try and outdo one another.” Yet they seemed not to get the message. I remember telling my coworker, “See? They are doing it (competing).”

As the patient I walked into a large clinic setting and met with a male doctor who seemed quite young. I believe I was pregnant (new potential) but can’t be certain. My initial exam revealed I had a very high heart rate – 371. When I first saw the number I didn’t think anything of it but then realized it was high. I asked, “Isn’t that kind of high?” He nodded and told me to wait while he consulted with someone.

When he left I decided to take a nap there on the table, knowing it would get my heart rate down. In my memory I see the numbers go down- 340, 200, 170 – and I kept telling myself, “You just need to relax. Relax.” This is lkely a real message from myself to myself.

Eventually I got up because I was feeling really drowsy and knew I needed to wake up. I went to a bathroom and took out my retainers (holding back) which I had been wearing the whole time. I noticed one of my top, middle teeth (concerned about losing control) was crooked. I pressed on it and shifted back into place really easily. Concerned, I put my retainer (seeking to hold back something) back in.

Then I heard a commotion from the other room. A door opened and two large dogs (protection, friendship, fidelity) were let in, one black and the other blonde. They were rowdy but friendly. One of the doctors shut the door without realizing I was inside with the dogs. I walked past the dogs and knocked on the door saying, “Hey, I’m in here.” They opened it.

Then the scene shifted and I was in a car (life path) heading toward a very special, invitation only gathering. When I arrived there was this sense that this was a very exclusive group of people who were involve in the occult. When I got inside the room was very dark but grande, resembling a castle. I was questioned several times about whether I belonged there. I told them I did. I was challenged to prove myself and shown two swords (strength, ambition, decisiveness, willpower), one on either side of the room. The swords were kept inside box-shaped cases attached to the platform on which I was standing. I saw them rise up out of their cases as if waiting to be wielded (ready to take back my power).

A man questioned my being there, saying I did not belong. A woman appeared out of thin air, as if a ghost or apparition. I only remember seeing her face hovering between the two sword cases. She had blonde hair (maybe another version of myself) and was very attractive. She told the others that I did belong and that she would not have it any other way. She challenged them to challenge her. No one did.

Music Message

When I woke a song was going through my mind, one I have not heard in ages. With it I thought, “Ghost.” I recognized the song went with the movie Ghost but in recalling my dream and the ghostly woman toward the end, I wonder what the purpose of this song really is.

Something about the song and dream made me feel hopeless. I know it is the waiting, the passage of so much time, that is the hardest. It makes me want to give up. Most of the time I am not even sure what I am waiting for. Is it to go Home? Is it purely a spiritual homesickness? Or is it something I am waiting for here on Earth, a physical experience, I am waiting for?

Regardless, I am reminded of the feeling I seem to have always had in this lifetime. The feeling is that I do not belong and my real family is out there and I want/need to be with them. Yet I feel tethered to this illusion and unable – not allowed – to go to my real family. Ultimately it feels like I have been cursed.

More Spiders

As if to remind me again that I need to be patient and only act at the right time, I found another spider in my house. This time he was very tiny and trying to hide in plain sight. I took him outside and even when free he immediately hid from me.

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Common House spider, October 14th.

I believe this is a Common House Spider, but am not completely certain. He did not have a web. He was about the size of the tip of my finger.

As with the other spiders I have made contact with, I was fascinated by him. I got as close as I could, even shined a flashlight on him.

This spider visit came after a tiny jumping spider I found in my kitchen on October 8th. Here is a picture of him:

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Jumping spider, October 8th.

When I attempted to let him go he jumped back onto me without my knowing and then tried to run under the kitchen cabinets. I had to catch him again and put him outside. lol

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The Burden is Real

If I had to describe the last couple of days I would describe them as weird. Different. I don’t know if that even suffices but it will have to do.

I am still struggling to fall asleep. Then, when I do sleep, I sleep really deep and wake up feeling like I have been drugged. I linger in bed sometimes for an hour going in and out of the in-between. My body feels like it needs months of sleep right now to catch up but I have done plenty of catching up already. Even now, three hours after waking, my eyes are heavy and all I want to do is curl up in bed.

My dreams are barely memorable. I have been doing some traveling that is for sure. Two nights ago I was with a FB friend traveling through the UK (renewal) searching for her male friend. Last night I was traveling to Mexico (preservation of tradition, family, faith and culture) but forgot my bag so we had to turn back early on, delaying us by 10 hours.

Yesterday, prior to bed and upon waking there was a male presence attending to me. The feeling from him was that he wanted my attention, that he wanted me to look at something I did not want to look at. Memories came to me as I tried to ignore him, memories that incited deep emotion and regret. When I woke I had some intense realizations that I couldn’t shake.

When I got on FB to check if there was anything interesting going on I saw my own post two years ago. I posted a request for prayers because my husband and I were having marriage issues. It got over 20 comments of support.

The post hit me hard and echoed the “wake up call” I had just received. Not only that, but in attempt to avoid the FB memory I wandered into WordPress to read recent posts and saw something that further supported the feeling/Knowing I woke with.

Without going into too much detail, I will say this: my realization centers around taking responsibility and acknowledging the truth about something I am “guilty” of doing, something I have done previously and something I will likely continue to do if I pretend it is not there. Not only is this something not in line with my Truth but I have justified it to the point that I believe it not to be wrong, that I believe myself not guilty of trespassing upon myself. Ha! That is the perfect word – trespass. And in trespassing upon myself, I trespass upon those I love.

And all of it the result of fear, making decisions from a place of fear. It takes a lot of courage to just admit that, but the real courage is making decisions and acting up them from a place of love. That is the hard part because when fear has been the motivator all along, acting from a place of love can seem downright idiotic and scary. Like, “What the hell are you thinking?” scary.

Love here is more than just love of Self. It is love for others as well. And it is standing for what is right and ethical even if it means unwanted or uncomfortable change.

To make a long story short, I am saying to myself, “Shame on you!”

I am still not 100% clear about what all this means but I do know that I am ready to take responsibility for my actions and live my Truth rather than perpetuate a lie for the sake of preserving an echo of what was. It is hard to know, really, what that Truth is after so many years of pretense. What is true to me and what isn’t? I am not sure anymore. All I know is what I feel and I guess that has to be good enough. At least I am feeling something. For so many years I was just numb.

Libra Retrograde

I wrote the above portion of this post yesterday and then abandoned it. I was really feel weird….off…..out of it and needed to get myself straight before finishing it. I decided to go shopping alone to try and shake off the feeling. Sadly, it only got worse. I ended up walking down the isles of a clothing store pointlessly. I bought my daughter a sweater and headed toward the car. As I stepped out the door I was hit with a really strong inner “push” and knew what I needed to do. In that moment I felt a bit lost, like a child who just realized they have been separated from their mother. It sucked.

When I got in the car I wanted to cry but couldn’t. Internally I felt hollow, like someone had come in and scooped out everything and I was just waiting to be filled up again.

After grocery shopping, and very slowly I at that, I came home and the feeling persisted. I stumbled across another astrology blog post and more clarity was provided. The warnings I have been receiving about the end of this year were spelled out in the stars.

The first thing I noticed was Libra retrograde, which just happened a few days ago. In fact, the weirdness I have been feeling matched up almost perfectly. I’m thinking now, “Come on Universe, wtf gives? What is with all these damn retrograding planets!!??” But then I know this has been going on all my life so it is not just a planet doing all this. There is something much bigger at work and it just so happens the planets reflect all that.

So it looks like right now’s the time to look within and really be honest with myself (sigh). That is exactly what I woke up knowing yesterday and the entire day seemed to pummel me with “reality”. It is suggested in the post linked above that I do some writing about the people in my life and how I am helping/hindering them and vice versa. I need to really look at what is there without pretending it is something else.

The rest of this year is gonna be a challenge, too. 😦

Signs and Dreams 

When I got home from grocery shopping, my kids helped me unload the car and my daughter nearly stepped on this:

wolf spider

When I saw this spider I was immediately fascinated by it. It was so big! When I got closer to take a pic I realized her abdomen was covered in tiny babies! Amazing!

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Fascinated, I watched her it for a while. It is a female Wolf spider. They are common around here. They are venomous and known to bite, so I just observed her for a while and left her alone.

I knew this spider was a message. Turns out Wolf spiders do not spin webs. They stalk their prey like tarantulas. So no surprise that their primary gift and message is timing. Their message is to wait for the perfect time before taking action. They remind us that all we desire in life is coming to fruition but we must step back and allow it to take hold in a solid foundation.

Moving too soon will undermine all my hard work. I have to wait and will Know when the time is right to take action. OMG I am so tired of getting this message!! But I really, really love this spider. Isn’t she beautiful? And how she tends to her young, keeping them on her back until they are strong enough to survive on their own….that is a message in and of itself.

Last night at bedtime my heart was sore and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I know there are contracts that need to be concluded but I am not the only one involved and though I feel ready to act I cannot until there is agreement/readiness from all. There is this stuckedness that I feel that bothers me. I try to accept it and surrender but the impatience surfaces time and time again. I can see the possibility in front of me but I cannot get to it yet. It tends to make me apathetic. I can see the finish line but am walking in place, as if on a treadmill, no closer to the end than I was ten years ago.

I was asked if I wanted to continue my healing work and I agreed. I also reaffirmed past intentions, intentions I have had for a very long time now.

Dream: Mansion

My dreams were strange. In one I was in a mansion (current relationship is in a rut), one I have visited before in my dreams – dark wood paneling and grand furnishings. My husband’s aunt, who lives in Georgia, had invited us to her home (which is like a mansion, they are millionaires). She bought up all his paintings (intuition, need for self-expression) and then auctioned one of them off for $35,000! We were asked to move there and I told her that the house was too big, that it didn’t make sense to me to be so separated from my children.

Then I walked up to a lever that was used to lock (ability to get what I want) and unlock the front door. I wound it and then clicked it in place. The door unlocked and I felt very satisfied, almost giddy.

Then I was at a party and there were people (need to enjoy myself) everywhere drinking and mingling. I remember trying to find my husband and being told where he went. I walked outside to get him and to my right was a group of children playing miniature golf (indulgences). A woman had come with me and asked if I wanted to play. I said no when I saw the golf clubs had basketballs (teamwork is needed) on the ends that rolled and made it very hard to direct the golf ball.

I located my husband passed out in a booth with several other grown men (loss of awareness). He had gotten really drunk (seeking escape from some situation). Two women were playing a card game (ability to strategize) at the table. I was invited to play and watched very carefully to see what the game was. I did not recognize it. I could see the card’s numbers and suites but they were not normal playing cards. The woman asked if I knew how to play and I told her I did not. She laughed and said it was easy to learn. The last thing I recall is seeing the deck of cards with their numbers added up – 9 + 3 = 12.

Dream: Old Rugged Cross

Then the dream shifted and I was inside a room with my husband’s aunt and a group of others. It felt like we were in a chapel (things I hold sacred) with the same dark wood paneling as the mansion. There was a little girl with us, she looked like I did as a child (my inner child). The discussion was about a pair of flip flops with My Little Pony on them. It shifted into talking about the toy ponies. I remembered my childhood and how much I loved My Little Pony and told my aunt that I had a pair of flip flops (ability to relax, unable to make a decision) that had the ponies (unexplored, undisciplined aspect of self) on them that I use to look at in school and daydream (excessively worried about a situation) about. I explained that I would finish my assignments before everyone else and often got bored so daydreaming (seeking escape) was my way of passing time. The memories made me happy.

Then someone began to sing a familiar hymn. When I recognized it, I sang along. My heart lifted as I sang and I could hear my voice within the dream. I knew the lyrics by memory and the part, “I will cling to the old rugged cross, and exchange it some day for a crown….” woke me up.

Music Messages

When I woke I was feeling down and hopeless. I wondered, “Why do I keep hearing this song in my dreams!?” Then I realized it was because it feels as if I am carrying a cross on my back, a burden that is mine alone to bear. It felt so unfair yet at the same time it seemed like my duty. I know that anyone who knows me would not believe I was carrying a burden. But I am. Every day, all day. Some days I don’t know how I manage, but somehow I do. The song promises that one day I will be rewarded but the wait and the burden seems unbearable at times.

The messages from the previous day indicated that I needed to wait as well. Despite knowing what needs to be done I also know it may be a while before I will be able to act. I see what I want but have a rope tied around my waist and am being pulled back.

Another song came to mind as I lingered in the in-between going over my dreams, their messages and my Knowing. The specific part that I heard was, “I can’t take this place. I just wanna go where I can get some space….”

 

 

 

 

Happy Equinox!

Happy Fall Equinox! Hope everyone has been resting up and readying themselves for more shifting because it is coming and it won’t come in quietly (so I’m told). I’ve already gone from needing more sleep to struggling to fall asleep (again). Sigh. Thankfully that is really the only issue for me with all the energy shifts of late.

Something else that has been on-going for me is the Kundalini continues to be switched “on” more than usual. It is why I struggled to fall asleep that last couple of nights. As I mentioned in another post, the Kundalini energy is personified, meaning I often hear and feel it as a masculine presence/guide/energy. The last two nights (and even during the day) it has been “talking” to me, asking if I am “ready”. If I focus in on what it tells me I am filled with bliss and do not doubt it’s message. The last two nights I have awakened with portions of songs in my head, all messages indicating something to come.

What I hear – Will you lay it all on me now?

What I hear – Pull me closer, why don’t you pull me close, why don’t you come on over?…why don’t you just meet me in the middle?

What I hear – Are you ready? I’ll be ready.

I continue to be reminded of incidences of late involving the Kundalini energy. They are distinctly different in that I experience what I can only relate to as my own energy/personality being displaced by something much, much bigger than myself. When it happens a part of me is temporarily shocked and worried that I am being “taken over”. This is likely old programming surfacing. I never feel fear. I never feel resistant. I am completely open and allowing, always surrendering, in awe of this new, insanely huge powerful presence that I recognize as ME.

I can’t even relay to you the magnitude of the experience. I am left changed afterward. Feeling a profound shift within that says I am on the right track; I have tuned into that very real part of myself that has been forgotten – lost to me for so long.

What I am sensing and being told through continued memory of these incidences, coming to me after seeming to be somehow forgotten (how IDK), is that more of these experiences are coming. I have no doubt I will continue to surrender and allow. This seems to somehow have become my natural tendency. All resistance has melted away. There is no fear which in and of itself is so completely amazing to me.

I look forward to having more of these experiences and for them to last longer and longer until they become commonplace.

Dreams

Lots of very detailed dreams but I haven’t had the time or energy to write them all out. Here are a few from the past week.

Deaf Mute

In the dream I was in a grocery store (seeking fulfillment) with a family of three. None of them were able to talk and I think they may have been deaf (not hearing something) as well because they used sign language (try using other means of communication) to communicate. The little girl and I had a connection. When I shopped she would pick up tortillas (wholeness) when I did and I remember talking to her parents about her. They were able to read my lips I think because when I asked her name they signed, Maia. I could read the letters in sign language and said her name aloud.

As the dream progressed I was taken to a house (aspect of Self) that was prepared for me and told I was welcome to move in. It was nice and clean with wood trim and wooden furniture that was a nice, golden oak color. I remember taking a large lamp (illumination, guidance) and putting it on a table to illuminate the room. Someone told me they had just cleared the bathtub drain and that it was all clear (blockage has been removed) and ready for use.

When I woke the song Little Talks was in my head, specifically the part, “Though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.”

Vision

After waking I had a vision of a very large and dead octopus. As a dream symbol the octopus means to be entangled in a relationship or codependent situation. It can also mean being too clingy. Being it is dead them maybe I am freeing myself of these things? Perhaps it was indicative of something that occurred later this morning – I decided to release some of the resistance I have been feeling and go back to acceptance – back to the grind, dealing with work, marriage, family, etc.

Pet Cricket

In this dream I was driving with a girlfriend on curvy roads toward her home in the country. We arrived at a white farmhouse and the girl got out and began to unload her things. We took them inside and met up with her mom and family. I thanked her mother for allowing her to come with me on the trip. The family seemed suspicious of me. The mom indicated that she had a clogged (obstacle to progress) bathtub (need for renewal) that needed repair. I mentioned my husband was a plumber and could possibly fix it. I wanted to give the family a gift for allowing me to take their daughter with me on our trip. I asked if the tub would need to be replaced and the mother indicated it would. I said it may not be a good idea to have my husband do it and opted to give her $50 instead.

The girl had a cat (feminine sexuality, creativity and power) that she wanted me to take with me but I decided against it because I didn’t feel the cat would do well in my car (life path). As I was preparing to leave I realized I was carrying another of the girl’s pets. A tiny cricket (introspection/guidance) that was sitting on my shoulder chirping in my ear. I felt affection toward it. It fluttered near my ear like a tiny fairy, but it was definitely a cricket. In the end I sent it back with the girl and then drove away.

Broken Cell Phone

This dream began with me inside a truck (work), my daughter was driving. She was out of control. I took the wheel but was in the passenger seat (feeling out of control) so couldn’t see well as I tried to park. I ended up rear ending a car (feeling in a rut, restless) and then driving away from the accident scene.

I wound up lost (feeling lost in life), driving around for a while and then stopping at a restaurant and sitting outside with some others trying to figure out where I was. My phone (lack of understanding) was not working properly. The GPS was not there. Instead it was a message that made no sense and a map of the city that did not allow me to navigate home. Somehow I managed to call my husband and he responded very rudely to my request for help. I realized he and I were divorced and that he wanted nothing to do with me. The dream left me confused as to where home was – with him or somewhere else?

Shark

This morning I woke up with a vision of a shark in my head. It felt like someone was being deceptive. My initial feeling upon waking was of being on alert to danger, but I am not sure where this danger is coming from.

Trail Run

Lastly, yesterday my husband and I both ran our first ever trail run race. He ran the marathon version and I ran the 10K. He got third place overall men and I got second place overall women. I was shocked that I placed at all, as was he. In fact, it was his first time to ever place on a marathon run, so he was really proud of himself. It was also my first time to place on a 10K. The woman who was first place was 27 years old, so that made me feel all the more proud of my accomplishments. We both decided to continue running trails and will be running more races in the near future. I may run a half-marathon next time, which is something I never thought I would do since my last half-marathon attempt was less than satisfying.

 

 

 

 

 

What Goes Around, Comes Around

It feels like we have entered another integration period. The cycle tends to go – upgrade, integrate, upgrade, integrate, and so on and so forth. The acceleration in August was intense, too. For some this may still be on-going. I went through at least two accelerations in August, both followed by periods of tiredness (sleeping deeply and for longer periods of time). It seems like these acceleration periods (upgrades or whatever) are increasing in number and frequency. Yet the recovery periods are shorter than they use to be. For example, I went through three weeks of acceleration and then only had one week of “rest” before the next hit.

Currently, I am just more tired at night. Through the day I am fine and feel relatively balanced. I’ve noticed my husband has been taking naps a lot lately. Perhaps he is feeling it, too?

The Kundalini has quieted down quite a bit compared to what it was; however, I still have activity in dreams and while awake indicating it has by no means gone dormant. I’ve been so tired, though, that I sleep right through the Kundalini. If you’ve ever experienced the K energy then you know how hard it is to sleep through it!

Recent events are pointing to some interesting up and coming shifts. My guides are emphasizing the need for rest – not physically but spiritually. The messages continue to come in. Most of the time it is waking up with a song on my mind. But I also have flashes of memories from dreams and the in-between coming to me throughout the day.

For example, this morning I woke with a Justin Timberlake song in my head. I’m not a fan but it doesn’t matter, the message was embedded in the song and I needed to hear it.

The message was, “What goes around comes around.” We’ve all heard it before and I knew it was a warning. I also knew I needed to share it. So heads up peeps! Get ready.

As for the flashes from dreams, I had a vivid one today. Well, two. The first was from a recent dream I haven’t posted yet.

Dream: Running Group

I noticed a group of people in running gear gathering outside. They were all wearing marathon t-shirts. My husband was leading them because their regular leader could not be there. They met every Monday for group runs but opted to do SAQ drills (speed, agility, quickness) that day. I wanted to join in but had on the wrong shoes so I went home to get my running shoes. When I got to the front door there were large, concrete steps (efforts toward achieving my goals) that were way taller than they should have been. I tried to climb them but they seemed too high (obstacles to overcome) and I struggled. Just trying exhausted me. I remember laying down and taking a nap I got so tired (feeling unable to overcome obstacles).

Then I was inside the house (self). I ended up in my mom’s (past issues) bathroom (cleansing). I went to use the toilet (release emotion, remove something that is useless) and there was an empty bottle (exhausted inner resources) in it and a huge, white trash bag with stinky garbage (rejected or unwanted aspect of self) in it next to the toilet. I remember I could smell the stench and it being really repugnant. As I sat using the toilet (the water was clear) a group of little boys came in. I told them to leave.

When I went outside to join the running group I was barefoot (unprepared) and could not run with them. I ended up looking inside a shed the runner’s had been in. I saw they had left supplies, some of it thawing meat. I told someone,  “He left all this meat out to rot (degradation of being).” I gathered up the meat and took it inside.

IMG_3476

Flash of Memory

The flash of memory I had from this dream was the running shirts the people were wearing. The shirts were green with the word, “Run” written on them three times in huge letters. Not long after this flash of memory I was folding laundry and there was my husband’s green Austin Marathon t-shirt from 2018 – Run, Run, Run.

The message, “Run!” was given to me in the in-between on a few days ago. You can read about it here.

I don’t know what to think of this message. I am obviously not getting it or I would not be receiving it again and again. If I am meant to “run”, is it literal? If so, I am running quite a bit, preparing for a trail run next weekend. If another kind of run, as in “get the hell out” then, why? Out of my house? Out of Texas? Out of what? Or is it out of a situation? It also could just be a warning to avoid something, but then I have no idea what.

As with all messages it is likely I won’t know until it is too late anyway. I don’t know why my guides bother.

School buses should have seatbelts to ensure student ...

Another Flash

Out of the blue I recalled a dream from the same night as the one above. In the portion I recall, I was getting into a white car with a close friend. He was driving. We were driving behind a long line of school buses and going pretty slow.

Seeing a school buses suggests I am about to venture on an important life journey needed for my own personal growth. Considering the number of school buses it could mean I have several “journeys” ahead of me. lol Either that or this journey’s significance is multiplied by the number of buses. I remember only a few from the dream, not nearly as many as in the above picture.

Considerations

I wish I could put all the above together to make some kind of sense out of it, but I can’t. The message “run” could mean anything, but when I think of it the first thing that comes to mind is that it is what someone would say to another to keep them from harm. So, I take it as a warning that something “harmful” is coming and if I leave now, or head in the opposite direction of the path I am now on, that I could avoid it. But without seeing whatever it is I am suppose to run from, how do I know I am running in the right direction?

And the message “what goes around comes around” has me considering that something I have encountered before is about to return for another round of lessons. It doesn’t feel like a situation where I did something in the past and it is now going to bite me in the ass. Instead, it feels like a repeat of a situation, as if something is coming full circle to be looked at again. There doesn’t seem to be any “bad” or “good” feeling to the message either.

And it could be that all the messages are related. That this repeat of a situation is something I should “run” from (avoid) if I can. However, if I don’t then there may be a valuable life journey in it resulting in more growth.

So run? Or meet it head on? Guess we’ll see.

 

 

 

 

 

Message Overload

It’s been a full and busy week but I’ll skip the mundane stuff for now as it all goes along with being a working mom/wife/do-it-all superwoman. 🙂

Spiritually I have been receiving messages both in dreams and in signs and messages from the environment.

This week’s messages:

A double rainbow 🙂

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A quote from Into the Wild

You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living.

Some kind of dead baby animal on the sidewalk which came after seeing two baby doves, one dead and the other waiting to die.

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Fantastic sunsets every day this week

Image may contain: sky, cloud, twilight, outdoor and nature

And then there are the following dreams and messages which include:

Orangutans
Message to “Run!”
Goddess Kali
The Madonna

Dream: Finding Balance

In this dream I was a student attending school. I was male and much older than the other kids (like 18 while they were all early teens). There was a discussion about me that I heard as if part of it. The teachers were saying that I was not living up to my potential. There are flashes of memory of me working on my assignments and getting them back with red marks on them and deductions in points for grammatical (communication) errors. It was so common that I had gone into apathy over it for the most part. Eventually, I got a paper back, saw points deducted and got angry about it because the error was due to the teacher’s poor handwriting. I showed it to the teachers, exasperated, saying, “You can’t even tell what that word is!” I ended up crying and feeling like a failure.

Then the dream ended up with me being given a pair of inline skates (balance). All the other students were skating perfectly and I could barely stay standing (feeling uncertain). I recall that skating was a school subject and like the other subjects I was doing very poorly. Eventually, I decided I would not fail so I just kept trying, intent on being able to succeed at skating. My main issue was staying balanced on the skates. I kept falling over. With practice I realized that it was all in the way I was positioning my feet. I shifted position and it allowed me to stay up on my feet. I learned from there to skate really well (progressing towards goals). Everyone noticed and there was acknowledgement by them that I could succeed. I was proud of myself, too. It was a relief.

Message: Run!

As I woke from this dream I was still emotional but not crying. I lingered in the in-between where I spoke to my guidance a while. The main feeling I had was of hopelessness. There was a feeling of not knowing how to proceed, like a question to my guidance. A flash of a computer screen appeared and it was an email inbox. I could read the message subject heading. It was from a female guide and said, “Subject: Run!” I also remember seeing the word, “Texas”. This woke me and I thought the message was literal but now I am not so sure.

As I woke a song came to mind, one I have heard for a few days now – Faith Hill’s Breathe.

Other Dreams/Messages

I dreamed I was in the middle of a busy highway. There was high traffic (daily life, routine) and the cars were backed up and moving at a snail’s pace. I, however, was on board a train (life’s journey, on the right track) that was on the highway. This train held passengers and was sleek like a bullet and blue in color (monorail train). I sat in a seat looking out the window as the train took me over and past all the slow traffic. I was saving a seat to my left. I remember putting my hand on the seat which was close to the window and then leaning over to look out the window. The seat was tan in color and soft. Out the window I saw a young girl (aspect of me perhaps?) chasing after the train. It felt like she was going to jump on. I was hopeful for her.

In another dream I was being encouraged to put my hair in a braid (needing courage). I spent a while doing just that. I could feel my hair very real in my hands. The feeling I had while braiding my hair was apprehension. I knew it meant I needed to have courage.

Dream:  Orangutans

The dream began with me going to a school (life lessons). They had rearranged all the classrooms and my old principal was there. I was suppose to have put in my resignation but forgot. Turns out he did not hire someone to replace me but put me in another position where I was working with kids who were “special needs”. I agreed to work since the job was still available.

When I went to find my room I wandered through the 3rd grade hallway and eventually made it to the first floor (failure, lack of understanding) where my office was suppose to be but it turned out I was put in with many other teachers in the nursing clinic (healing). I had a section set apart where my students sat but I had no lesson plans (feeling unprepared) or anything for class. Another teacher helped. I noticed I had a student with tourettes syndrome. I recall liking that I had only a handful of students because it meant I could get more involved with them. I hugged one even. It seemed like in this dream I was a nurse and teacher, but it is hard to say. I felt confused as to whether I wanted the job.

Then I was on a trip with the kids. We passed by a section of housing that had been demolished (final end to something) and then by another that was being renovated (new perspective). We drove up into the hills and parked. A man was with me who had been driving. He got out of the car and left it for me to drive, handing me the keys (control). I remember knowing the neighborhood use to be lived in by my ex-BIL and he had said it was haunted (lack of awareness, fear).

The man walked away and soon I saw that he was in the tree with several large orangutans (inner wild side or sexual desires). They took him away, swinging across the treetops. I turned back to the car and saw a pig-animal (stubbornness, greed) in the road, like a half-pig, half-dog or something. It was really weird so I decided to get out of there.

I drove off and headed into a house that was both mine and this man’s. I saw he had cleaned it thoroughly and packed up his things into some bags. Everything was neat and tidy. It felt like he was leaving for good.

I remember standing in front of a mirror. The man was to my left standing in front of the mirror, too. Both of us were looking at our reflection. I remember looking over at him and then back at myself. I saw my complexion was clear but thought there was a stressful situation coming up that would surely mean my face would break out again. I remember accepting it if it did but the feeling of the stressful situation was very memorable.

Dream: Juniper Berry Honey

This dream was odd. I recall that my friend’s brother was there and coming onto me like he use to in high school. I responded in much the same way – curious and liking the attention but not really interested in him. My MIL was there as well but I only remember showing her the Juniper (learn to take the negative with the positive) berries (fulfilling relationship or experience) and the honey that could be extracted from them. The taste of the Juniper honey (compassion, wisdom, peace, longevity, joy) was super sweet and musky. It was good but too much of it would give a person a headache or tummy ache.

I remember seeing the tiny, blue (heaven, wisdom, truth) berries and being told taking them like pills was helpful for the immune system, like to act as a way to get the body use to the high pollen for allergy season. I always thought they were poison so I was fascinated that they could be eaten. I saw someone toss a handful into their mouth and swallow them with water. When I was shown the honey that some had inside I had to taste some.

At one point I was sitting on a sofa with my friend’s brother and he was really sending me messages that he wanted to kiss me. It was a creepy feeling because I was not interested in him yet he was coming on really strong. At one point he leaned in and kissed me and it was slobbery.

When I got up to go I noticed that there were two large urine (rejection of feelings) spots on the carpet. My MIL asked about them and I said the dog must have done it but there was no dog around.

There is a scene that took place in a hotel (shift in identity) room and I remember waking up in a bed in the the hotel and the color blue being everywhere. It felt like I needed to get ready to go somewhere. I was with a group that felt like family but I did not recognize any of them. . All of the people had bright blue skin like the Hindu Goddess Kali. Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven or can also mean a desire to get away. The Goddess represents death and rebirth.

In-Between (this morning)

When I woke I lingered in the in-between a while. I was discussing what I wanted with my guidance.

In the midst of this conversation I had an immediate memory. My son Elek just got a new toy boat. He played with it continuously for a week. Then he demanded another toy. He got a red firetruck. Not two days later he wants another. I told him no. He continues to throw a fit, wanting another NOW. My guidance showed me this in regards to my experiences indicating that I was like Elek. I got my toys and am still not satisfied. I was asked to consider returning to the “toys” I have been given rather than asking for more. Something they said (can’t recall exact wording) suggested that I was looking for problems/trouble.

There was a moment in the discussion when my mind wandered to my current debt issues. I thought I was saying, “I need to charge the credit card” but what I heard my mind say was, “I need to charge the Madonna” and every time I would say “card” the word “Madonna” was what my mind said. I believe Madonna is symbolic for the Divine Feminine. Perhaps I was saying to myself that I need to recharge or rest?

I continue to feel that I need to be very careful about what I think when it comes to what I want. I need to be very sure of what it is I want because it will come to pass.

This song is also coming up a lot. Specifically the part, “Marry that girl. Marry her anyway.”

I can’t help but think that events are setting the scene for something to happen. Specifically, it feels like next month will be a big month, like I am being prepared for something. There are other things going on as well, all pointing to a shift of some sort. At times it has gotten so intense that it puts me a bit on edge.

 

Despacito – Slow, Steady Progress

Another night of limited sleep courtesy of my daughter’s stuffy nose and congestion. Well, I say my lack of sleep is connected to her cold, but I can’t be 100% sure that is all it is.

Last night the energy sensations returned almost immediately upon laying down. My crown and third-eye were the most active. I sensed a male energy to my left, my guide, or “partner” as I tend to call him now – the part that says “I am YOU” and continues to facilitate the merging of the masculine and feminine within.

Whenever my partner draws close I am covered in energy that spreads all the way to my fingers and toes. This has always happened, for as long as I have been conscious of him. Recent events, however, have revealed that this energy can be magnified internally and externally. Internally by my own intent. Externally by a catalyst.

Up until this point I have only had two external catalysts for this energy. Most of my experiences have been internal. Both provide lessons unique to the experience. Those that are external tend to amplify the stagnant areas or blockages in ways that my own inner work cannot. If I am not moving forward/progressing on my own then these catalysts get me moving again, spurring me forward by exposing that which is holding me back. Often times I am aware of what is revealed but purposefully or habitually ignoring it. I have learned through this external catalytic experiences that ignoring something will not make it go away but will in fact make it larger until I am forced to confront it.

In both cases the masculine energy becomes personified. Internally this energy feels separate from myself, like a guide who is always there, nudging me along and providing support and unconditional love. I have called him many names – Steven, Companion Traveler, Spiritual Counterpart, and now partner. He changes as as I change; grows as I grow.

Externally the masculine energy comes with a body, a unique personality, a history, an Ego, hopes, dreams, fears, etc….and, of course, karma. Ultimately, the two – external and internal – are the same energy, one is just personified in human form for the purpose of teaching – no reflecting to me – that which I most need to know about myself. Thus, the external masculine has a “catalytic” effect the internal masculine does not have.

At present I am happily connecting to my internal masculine and being shown more about myself and my innate spiritual abilities. Last night I was shown how I can go within and dance with him/me/us. In other words, I am being taught how to reproduce from within an experience that previously has only come about via a catalyst. This, for me was exhilarating despite my exhausted state.

I will try and describe my experience the best I can…

When my partner came near and I felt the energy that is Us spreading through my physical body I was at first sad because I knew it would not intensify as it had recently. I felt sad for this and a bit hopeless and unable to understand the why of it all. My partner asked me to stop looking outward to him (or anyone else) for the connection I was seeking, He then repeated to me, “I am YOU”, and I knew he meant I should turn my focus inward. I have always known this but for some reason this time my perspective was different. The minute I focused inward I seemed to shift into him, into my own masculine, and as such I saw/felt myself, the feminine. In an instant I became both masculine and feminine and the energy – my energy – seemed to flood into my head all at once, pushing against my third eye with such force that I could sense that some other version of myself would take over, forcing my eyes open to “see” in a way I cannot on my own. Like in my previous experience of this, it seemed as if someone else was about to “take over”, but I know this is not the case because last time I allowed it. However, my human mind cannot help but react to what feels like a “invasion” and if I were to over analyze the sensation I would likely freak out completely. Thankfully, I have experienced enough of the “strange and unusual” that these types of human reactions are easily quieted.

The sensation I felt in my third-eye was most similar to my experiences of going OOB. There was a sudden swirling expansiveness and pressure in my third-eye accompanied by what I can only describe as a sound – a rushing, whirling like wind in my ears. Of course, the experience and understanding of what I was doing and how I was doing it was all at once mind-blowing. A part of me thought it impossible. With this doubt everything calmed, and once again I was sensing my partner as separate from me.

Recognizing I was the cause, I was doing it all, it did not take me long to try again. And again. And again. Each time I would get to a point, a crescendo of sorts, where I knew all I needed to do was allow and surrender. When that point arrived I couldn’t do it. It was just too exciting, to mind-blowing (not scary). My mind would not let go. It all reminds me of attempting a conscious astral projection from the body. It took me over a month of consistent trying to finally achieve a conscious exit. I would keep failing because I was just too curious and excited. Even when I did succeed I was so excited that I would end up right back in my physical body.

At least I succeeded at recognizing I could come into Union with myself whenever I wanted and that I have the capacity to expand beyond what I ever thought possible without any external help.

I will continue to work at surrendering to what feels very much like an invasion of my mind. This is the drawback of being fully awake and aware. The human response to the unknown is fear. I can’t help it and I won’t beat myself up over it. The first experience of this sense of invasion did not harm me. It was not scary. I was not “taken over” or “possessed”. I was there, observing and experiencing at the same time. Actually, the experience was truly awesome. I felt BIG, expansive and full of potential. But then I have always been an explorer, keen to jump into the unknown, to expand beyond the limits of this human experience; to Know.

Syncs

Ending this post with more syncs. Yesterday we got tons of rain in central Texas courtesy of Tropical Storm Gordon. On the way home from work my daughter was on the phone from home freaking out because it was raining so hard. We were very close to home but it was sunny. I looked out the window and saw it was pouring over our house in the distance. I took a photo and sent it to my daughter as proof. It was amazing to see.

IMG_3315

Later, we got caught in the storm as well but the blue sky could always been seen in the distance. It was really beautiful. It felt like the heaven’s were literally opening up over the top of me. Like it was saying it’s okay to let it all go.

On the way home in the rain a song came on the radio. My husband turned it up and I almost protested because it was rap. I am not a fan of rap but this one caught my attention because it was about opportunity. Yeah, there’s that word again! lol

Look, if you had, one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted. In one moment
Would you capture it, or just let it slip?

You only get one shot
Do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime…

You can do anything you set your mind to

Here’s the song:

So this song is playing while the heavens are opening up over the top of us. It was actually pretty awesome and put me in a really, really good mood. I felt awesome.

This morning another song presented itself. I noticed it because once again (like rap) it was out of my normal music preference. This time Spanish. lol I asked my husband what despacito meant. He said, “Slowy”. When I saw what the lyrics said I couldn’t help but laugh because this is the message I have been getting from my partner for a very long while – One step at a time. Slow but steady progress. This song makes me just want to dance. Again, “dance” is not a coincidence either.

Regardless of my lack of sleep, these are very exciting times and I am blessed to be alive in a human body experiencing them. Thank you God.

No Sleep for the Weary

I’ve been unable to fall asleep for two nights straight. 😦 I’ve been so tired, too. The night before last when I would start to doze my entire head would light up with energy and my body would feel odd, as if it was expanding. This would wake me up and then it would start all over again as I would drift off. I didn’t fall asleep until midnight that night. Then last night the same thing happened but I would startle awake as if I needed to do something important. My daughter was also up from a sore throat and congestion so it took me even longer to fall asleep.

Even now, as I sit here typing, my head feels weird and I have energy in my neck, specifically right were the neck and head meet.

I don’t remember any dreams from last night but the night before I had an odd one.

Dream: School Library

The dream started out in a school library (evaluation of some situation) with my mom (aspect of me, likely as a “mom”). Spread out on the floor were thin white (new beginnings) sheets (new phase of development). Kindergartners (unresolved feelings of separation) were having their naps. Each began to wake up and most of them peed their pants (release of negative emotion) and the floor was wet with urine.

There was a whole discussion about starting an Amazon business. I recall giving advice about it and suggesting a less risky way of starting out by buying 9 boomboxes rather than stocking up on a hundred and using Amazon Prime to mail them out. I said it was better to mail them individually from home. The whole time we talked about this I was surveying the library. I believe this conversation was about taking risk and how to mitigate unexpected losses.

Then there were animals where the kids once were. Most were puppies (carefree nature) that had urinated all over. There was discussion about potty training (desire to change some situation) and using a schedule to do so. I remember petting them and that one turned into a large bird (goals, hopes, dreams) that pushed it’s head into my hand like a cat would.

The library morphed into a kind of retreat center for healing. My mom was a self-admitted patient. I could feel her sadness and was trying to comfort her. I discovered she had been there 2.5 years. There was an older man with white hair, very tall, who was suppressing her, making her feel unworthy. He often made her doubt herself and her progress by saying suggestive things like, “Are you sure?” or “Maybe you shouldn’t”.

The man was just in her memory, though, long dead, yet to her he was very much alive still and around her and in her mind inserting doubt and upset. When I learned he was dead I thought about telling her I could talk to him and then decided not to because it may upset her. I could see a large slash (need for understanding) across his forehead (mental implications) parallel to his eyebrows. I assumed this was how he died.

When I suggested it was time for her to leave we were standing on a bridge (important decision, critical juncture in life) looking down at the water. I saw a blue bird dead (loss of hopes, dreams) floating down the stream (flow of emotion).

Vision

After this dream I saw a herd of horses (freedom, strength, power, sexuality) that had just been released. When I looked at them, though, they were all blind (lack of awareness). This vision upset me and I woke up fully. I believe it indicates that I have unleashed a part of myself but am unaware of it or maybe of how to handle this part. The message felt like “So you did it. Now what will you do with it?” It seems I am refusing to see/acknowledge this part of myself. This lack of acknowledgment (purposefully ignoring her maybe?) is likely to lead to unconscious reactions, behaviors, thoughts, urges or patterns. Eek!

Music Message

When I woke I was talking to someone but can’t recall all of the conversation now. As this male energy left a song came into my mind, specifically the part, “Got me feeling drunk and high, so high, so high.” :

Considerations

I believe the dream was showing me a part of myself that is in need of healing. The older man from the dream that was suppressing this part of me may represent an authoritative masculine from this or another life. Whoever or whatever he represents, it is clear that the result if self-doubt and depression. The 2.5 year time frame may be the last 2.5 years of my life, the next 2.5 years or some other time. It is hard to say for sure. My best guess is it is about the last 2.5 years. My overall feeling in the dream, though, was compassion for myself and a desire to help, which is good. The discussion indicated that the path toward healing should be gradual so as to reduce the likelihood of regression.

This morning I am feeling once again overwhelmed by my life. Too much to do, too little time. This isn’t helped by my lack of sleep.