Come Back to the Sea

The solar flares have subsided and so I slept much better last night. Sadly, there were three earthquakes in and around New Zealand yesterday and a volcano in Sicily has been erupting for some time. It is not unusual for geomagnetic activity to spur such events. If solar flares can effect Earth changes in such a way, think what it can do to the human body and energy system.

I am told/Know that these changes are “effectual”. It is all part of the Plan.

Though I had no exciting experiences during dreamtime, I did awake with my guidance very close. At first I was in a dream conversation with a woman who was fascinated by my Kundalini experiences. She was asking me to describe my experiences. How did you feel? What was it like? How did it change you? I remember answering her with as much detail as I could but finding it difficult to describe with words. With each of my answers, lucidity increased, until I awakened to find a guide very close. 

Recognizing this guide’s energy, I knew he had been the woman in my dream and wanted to continue our conversation outside of the dreamstate. With him prompting me, I continued to review my past experiences. It took no time at all to Return to them all and when I was done I was left wanting them to repeat and for the experience to never end. I remember asking, “I don’t want to go back to normal afterward.” It felt like I had failed when I said this. Why would I go through so much, experience Oneness and Expansion, only to fall back down and seemingly lose it all?

This guide told me, “You don’t have to.” 

Then he did what I have not experienced in quite a while. Something about him being present, or maybe my acknowledgment of him, created the perfect recipe for Knowing. And so as his communication came through I often found myself completing his sentences and eventually speaking as if I were him. 

What I recall now of our conversation was that to maintain such a state (meaning not coming back “down” after a Kundalini rising) is that conscious change much occur. He/I continued to state that I Knew what change was needed but had been stalling out of fear and inability to confront the entire picture. There is not need for shame over such things. It is part of being human.

Each thread of color, though seemingly insignificant, infuses a dull tapestry with vibrant color until eventually the entire tapestry is transformed. 

One word stands out: Integration.

Integration means taking the “thread” of every transformative experience and sewing it into physical reality. Each thread changes the texture and color of the human experience. Each thread of color, though seemingly insignificant, infuses a dull tapestry with vibrant color until eventually the entire tapestry is transformed. 

This, he said, is how change occurs. It is not necessary for me to do anything as it is already and has been in process this entire time. Eventually, the vibrant colors of my tapestry will be so much that change will take place in such a way as to reveal a new image. When this happens, the old and new will become as one. 

I, of course, could feel what these changes were but I couldn’t and still cannot determine the specifics of the change. How they will come about remains a mystery. Yet a part of me has been feeling particularly sorrowful about the state of the world for some time – my whole life, really. In my daily life I see around me evidence of a dying planet and, with it, a dying people. It is not physical decay but something altogether more devastating. And the human me cannot confront it and so pushes it out of her mind. 

On my daily walks I cannot ignore the utter disregard for this planet displayed all around me. Trash littering the creek. Syringes dotting the sidewalks. Condoms. Plan B boxes. Beer bottles. Face masks. I feel sadness and want to help but I know that just picking up the trash won’t make a dent in the problem.  

For example, I own a section of the creek and have picked up trash only to have the next heavy rain fill the creek back up with even more trash than before it was cleaned. My husband even arranged a community-wide clean up of the creek. He approached the city for help and they provided a free trash container. Only three people showed from our entire subdivision to help clean up. The rest used the dumpster/container to dump their old furniture and garbage. They thought only of themselves and their homes, not of the creek or the bigger problem we were trying to solve. 

I feel overwhelmed. I am just one person, one person against a formidable opponent. It feels like me against the world. 

This morning I told my guide, “There is no hope for this world. Let it die.” 

The word “integration” came to mind again, this time with the chorus from a song, one I have been drawn to over the last few days. 

I spent so long looking for a way
I could be a part of another home
I tried so hard blocking out the waves
But my ocean heart never let it go

This people, my people
Sea people can not really leave
This people, my people
Sea people come back to the sea
Come back to the sea

There is something about the song that calls to me. It brings with it a haunted feeling. The melody and words bring an echo of something familiar. I am not particularly drawn to the sea, though. I feel the song reminds me of myself and how I have spent my entire life looking for Home. And I Knew that the message was I have always been Home. 

The change coming scares me but I know that when it does come, I will be ready. 


I tried to return to sleep and must have fallen into the in-between briefly because I was brought out of my reverie quickly by a vision. 

I saw a book  in front of me as if laying on my seated thighs. It’s pages large and smooth and so large they stretched from one thigh to the next. Someone (me?) was turning the pages slowly. I saw the images of men I have known pass before my eyes, but I didn’t recognize them except to acknowledge them as part of my “story”. It was clear that I was viewing a photo album, especially when I flipped the pages to the last image. The image I saw was of a bearded man. Various images were situated in a collage on the page. All of them were of this man. He had dark hair that went to his shoulders. His beard was also long, and he had a streak of gray on the right. 

When I saw the picture I felt that I was being shown another person in my story and so the shock of it was what brought me out of my reverie. The shock in part came from the fact that I just saw a man who resembled the photos yesterday while I was on a run. He was walking his dog and waved at me. I remember he turned and stared before he waved and smiled. I glanced his way and waved back. I’d never seen him before. 

Now I don’t  necessarily believe that the vision is showing me my future. It is more likely that a memory of yesterday surfaced and there is no particular reason or rhyme to it. It was very vivid, though, so I had to at least document it. 

Vision: Tidal Wave

Woke this morning and had a vision as I was considering my life at present. I saw a tidal wave coming up over my head. It never hit because I came out of my reverie.

I instantly began thinking of the omens I have seen on my walks since we returned home from Montana. The first was a dead rabbit. Yesterday I found a dead dove in the middle of the field as if it just decided to lay down and take a nap.

Tidal wave symbolism – appears when one is under a great deal of pressure or is going through significant life change. The water aspect is all about emotion and in the form of a tidal wave it is a surge of emotion where one feels overwhelmed or unable to cope with what is happening in their life. Usually these changes have to do with procrastination or avoidance of one’s true feelings about something.

Dead dove symbolism – to see a dead dove means an ending to a significant relationship. Because doves mate for life, when one dies the other often sits by the body of their loved one to their own detriment, meaning they will often die, too. So, to see a dead dove indicates a major loss that brings with it great change. It represents the cycle of death and rebirth.

Dead rabbit symbolism – I already touched briefly on this symbol but I will repeat it. A dead rabbit is indicative of loss, usually the loss of a family, family member or loved one who is like family. 

Altogether these omens and visions seem to point to a great change. At first I worried it meant the death of a family member, and I suppose it could mean that, but eventually I just let it be. I know from previous sightings of dead doves that this omen indicates an end to a relationship, at least for me. In the past I was forced to let go of someone, so it was a symbolic death. I can’t recall ever seeing a dead rabbit before. As for tidal waves, I’ve had visions of them before but cannot recall a specific incident related to those visions.

From experience I know that trying to prepare myself by going through every possible scenario never works. I have to just wait and see.

Dream Theme: Ants

I’ve also had two dreams recently about ants. The first was on New Years Eve:

Dream: Burning Ant Bed

I was talking to someone about my credits in History and considering just taking 5 more classes to get my Master’s in the subject. I remember talking about how easy writing papers was and how the subject came naturally to me. I recall seeing my daughter’s name spelled two ways in a paper I was reading and pointing it out to her but her being grumpy about it.

Then I was walking through campus and noticed large, modern houses were built pretty much everywhere. A three story white, modern home was in a very odd place, like right on the corner of the sidewalk. I walked a bit talking to someone about the campus when I saw a ant bed near the sidewalk. I decided to set it on fire to kill the ants when a small, black and white puppy came over and stood in the center of the burning ant bed. I watched it, shocked but somewhat curious as to what it was doing. Eventually, noticing its paws were raw and bleeding, I plucked it out of the burning bed and inspected it. It seemed okay but it would need bandages.

I went to the house I had gone past and saw my FB friend Betty. I showed her the puppy and she was like, “Oh dear, the nuns won’t like this.” Then a nun wearing all white came by and Betty gave her the puppy to treat. I walked away, worried I would be asked lots of questions. I felt guilty for letting the poor pup burn and for setting the fire. I walked past Betty’s husband and told him my worries and then woke up.

Interpretation: History class symbolizes a life lesson that I am discussing. Perhaps the lesson relates to my own karma? I seem to feel fine about completing a degree in it, confident that I can do it. When I woke my first thought about it was that I am starting to feel better about my ability to complete karmic contracts in this lifetime. Since my daughter’s name comes up, it could be that I am considering my children and my karma with them and their father. My guess is the 5 classes could be a time period of 5 years or maybe just 5 more incidents or milestones that must be reached.

Ants in general symbolize hard work. A whole colony of ants is likely accomplishments made with one’s group or team. An ant colony can symbolize startling changes that are occurring in my life. Because I am burning the colony it could mean that I am attempting to destroy or end relationships. The puppy might represent someone in my life who is young and growing who I want to protect. I see the puppy being burned. Eventually I save it but feel guilty because I didn’t save it sooner and so it is wounded. I’m not sure what the nun means but it could be that I give up control to a higher power.

Dream: Drowning Ants

In the second dream I was outside watching a family playing with a water hose in their backyard. The dad was spraying the kids and they were enjoying getting wet. Then I walked over to the edge of the yard where I saw an ant bed. It had been drenched with water. I took a stick and began to push into the ant bed, tearing it apart to look inside. The ants were waterlogged and desperately clung to my stick. I saw them and marveled at them just like I did as a child.

Interpretation: Ants are about teamwork, hard work, creating something through cooperation. Ant beds must be about community or family or the Collective. Water doesn’t typically kill ants, it just slows them down. Water is symbolic of emotion usually. I am using a stick to look at the ants like I did as a child. It is as if I am observing how “emotion” effects the group. I’m not sure which group but it is, likely “Family” because I had been watching a family play with a water hose. 


In addition to all of the above, I have been feeling this strange feeling of being in between life cycles. It is the open feeling, like I am waiting to be shown the next step. Where earlier in the Fall months I was feeling ready to make drastic life changes and considering doing so, now I feel as if I need nothing at all. It isn’t necessarily a peaceful feeling but more a feeling of nothingness, as if I an drifting in a void. Where I am usually seeking a glimpse of future available paths, now there is no seeking beyond the present. I don’t seem to care. It isn’t apathy, either, it is…..nothingness.

To be honest, the feeling is not one I am comfortable with. So last night I attempted to dig within a bit to try and tap into any remaining emotion that might need release. I have a tendency to bury emotion, especially emotions that are overwhelming or difficult to handle, and sometimes the only way to move that emotion up and out is to do a bit of digging. Besides, often, for me at least, no feeling is a symptom of too much feeling.

I was able to contact some emotion, emotion connected to a past event from over 5 years ago now. There was very little emotion remaining but enough to bring some tears. And, of course, I was confronted with what I can only describe as a hole in my heart that when inspected doesn’t reveal anything except emptiness. I am very familiar with it. It seems to be a part of my Being, as if I were born with it. 

Where in the past I would attempt to fill this hole with whatever I could, I have learned that it is pointless. Nothing external will work. In fact, I am not even sure a hole actually exists but is instead a belief most likely compounded by perceived rejection and abandonment by others. 

Mostly I feel ready. For what? I have no idea but I guess that is the point. 

Edit: After I wrote this post I went on my morning walk. Within a minute I found the playing card I had seen some time ago. When I first saw it, it was the 6 of Hearts, but today when I saw it the 6 of Hearts part was completely gone. The weather must have destroyed it. So it was a completely blank playing card and a validation of what I just wrote. I feel “blank”, just like the card.

OBE: Black Humvee

I woke at 4am and couldn’t return to sleep. Thoughts were on a recent repetitive message – “2 years” – and a dream where I stated that the end of the world would come on Sept 28, 2025. I was feeling depressed about my life, the lack of meaningful forward movement and had a feeling that time is running out.

OBE: Black Humvee 

Somehow I entered into an OBE. I knew instantly I was OOB. I was inside my grandparent’s underground (subconscious) home in the kitchen (seeking spiritual nourishment), a place I often find myself when OOB. I was facing the front door and decided to go outside. There was interaction taking place with someone but I don’t know who. It was like I was two people – the dreamer and the conscious explorer. 

As I approached the door I thought about how to become more lucid and so I was. When I went outside I tested my dream legs to see if I could fly. There was a strong pull down like gravity and I accepted this as the rules for the experience. 

Just outside the fence was parked a large, black (unknown, hidden) Humvee (hard work). I climbed inside via the passenger side and crawled to the driver’s seat. I knew it was owned by a man who was very strong and intimidating. My intent was to drive it so that this man knew. I was feeling mischievous. I turned the key to the ignition and it roared to life. Looking through the front windshield I saw how high up I was. I thought about driving over everything in front of me but changed my mind. The truck was way to big and I didn’t want to wreck it. I climbed out and went to explore.

Looking to the right of the house everything looked as it did in my memory except there were many young people milling about. Some were hovering in the air. This is when I realized I, too, was hovering and flying about. 

I observed the people. Some were in larger groups and others in pairs – couples. 

I flew past the people toward where the barn should be but instead found a construction site (work in progress). The fences had been remade into wood and were taller. Where the barn was stood a large house. I remember thinking how it would be nice to live there and wondering if I could buy the acre and home from my mother. 

Then my mother was there and she took me into the home. She asked me how I liked the church (spiritual healing, connection) they were building. I was surprised it was a church and knew then I couldn’t buy it as it was meant for many people, not just me and my family. 

Inside the church was made completely of wood that shown that yellowish color of new pine. It also smelled of pine (longevity, recovery). There were stairs and ramps heading up to a platform and behind that another area that my mother told me was where people would be baptized. The ceiling was very tall and the space quite big. I recall feeling peaceful.

Lucid Dream: Erika and Darius 

I came back to my body briefly and then returned but not to the church. Instead I was inside a garage (something is “parked”, lack of movement). My husband and MIL were near and I found a fabric grocery bag full of things on a shelf. It had opened, stale potato chips (loss of health, neglect of physical state) inside and I knew it was my MIL’s. Rather than toss the contents I took it to my husband and told him it was his mother’s and that I didn’t want to throw anything away because of how upset it would make her. The bag smelled of rotting food (decline), though.

My husband was tending to his mom and she was acting frantic and worried, which is normal for her. He was asking me if I would go with them somewhere, me driving a truck and him driving a car. I told him I wouldn’t – couldn’t – and he knew it. He didn’t argue with me, instead saying he would take the Prius (MIL’s car – soul journey) because his mother always kept it full of gas. There was discussion about how the car was having lots of issues and they were becoming more and more severe. The car would not last much longer. I was glad the car would be gone soon as it had been a major headache for me.

My husband handed his mom the grocery bag and she sifted through the contents, pulling out baby food (new nourishment) and exclaiming as if she was opening a present. She was super happy to have the baby food, pulling each container out and showing it to her son. That is when I saw the baby girl and knew the baby food was for this baby. I called the baby “Erika” and I recognized her. I had many feelings at this time. Mostly I felt upset that this baby was coming into the world to be the daughter of my SIL and BIL. I felt a connection to the girl. I didn’t like that I had worked so hard to make her the person she was only to have her come into a new life and forget me and everything we had accomplished together. I also didn’t like that she wouldn’t know me and would instead cling to her new family. 

Similarly, I saw how my MIL was being helped by this baby. She would have renewed purpose, which her life has been lacking for some time. My husband, too, would have purpose but in helping his mother who would struggle more and more with old age (the Prius represents MIL). 

Something about the scene took me back to my grandparent’s land (ancestry) and the young people gathered in groups and pairs. I floated there and watched them and a name came to mind – Darius. I went directly to him, then, shifting immediately into a new scene where I hovered in front of a 10 month old baby. He was chubby, black and super cute. When I saw him I was sad again. I knew him. He was family. There was Knowing that many were incarnating now and it upset me to think of so many loved ones purposefully coming to Earth now, at a very difficult time. There was a part of me that understood and accepted this and my connection to these new Beings but at the same time I was outraged at the injustice of it. It wasn’t fair that they would go through so much pain and hardship. I remember thinking of what was to come and shuddered.

I began to cry and purposefully pulled myself out of the dream scene and back to my body. The transition was smooth and without the typical bumpiness. 


It feels like this lucid/OBE experience was meant to show me some things about myself and why I am responding to life the way I am now. There was a strong sense of being two people – the dreamer, or unconscious, version and the conscious version. I was able to see that the memory and Knowing I have as the conscious version is being interpreted and processed by the less conscious version. Thus, my responses in the dream were a mixture of calm, acceptance and outrage.

The Humvee is an interesting dream symbol. Trucks = work, so a Humvee would have a similar meaning but more in terms of the Collective and “war” since Humvees are traditionally used by the military. Black indicates the hidden or unknown, the subconscious or unconscious. So something about this work is unknown and maybe even a bit scary to me. There is a masculine feel to the Humvee as well, which I see as symbolic of what drives this “war” – the masculine and all it represents.

This is the second time now that I have associated my mother with a church. Perhaps I am reminding myself that the feminine should be honored at this time. I retreat to the feeling that comes with being inside the church. It brings me peace. And even though the church is “under construction” it already serves a purpose, indicating that once complete it will have much more of an impact on everyone.

Other Thoughts

Lately my mind has been on the future quite a bit. I can’t seem to shake the premonitions I had so many years ago when I first awakened and was flooded with visions and Knowing. One such vivid vision was of the White House on fire – bombed. I still see it so vividly. Also very vivid in my mind is seeing Fort Hood, Texas as a rubble field, also bombed.

I know that the future is not set in stone and for a long while I pushed aside my early visions as just a “potential” future, denying they could ever happen in my lifetime. Now I am not so sure. I keep having flashes of “what if’s”, which are not necessarily premonitions, but instead a mixture of what could be and my own fears or dread of them happening.

For example, I feel (and fear) that no matter who becomes President, the US economy is headed for a complete collapse. If this happens so many possibilities exist. The divide between the haves and have not’s is already widening. If it continues Civil War could result. Yet I have had previous visions also of the US being attacked by an outside force. What that force is – another country, a terrorist group, or just forces of Darkness in general, is unknown.

Despite all these worries, at my core I am exceptionally calm about it all. I have always been told by my guidance that I will be safe and need not worry about myself and my family. There is also a deep understanding I cannot put words to that indicate every.single.thing that is and will happen has a higher purpose.

About a month ago I actually wrote a post that I never posted about how everyone on Earth right now is being polarized. I opted not to post it because I know that it likely won’t make a difference in how people are reacting to what is transpiring in this world right now. And that is OK. The only person I have any control over is myself and I choose to NOT react, but to observe.

How do you not react to everything? React doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings or thoughts. Let yourself feel. Let yourself have an opinion. It is OK. You are only human. I have an internal dialogue that I let play out when I get overwhelmed and upset over things. I just don’t verbalize it or share it with anyone because it won’t help matters. In fact, it will serve only to further polarize things. In the end, the dialogue always shifts away from the upset and back to my Knowing and acceptance of what is.

Hopefully, my honesty about my previous premonitions and fears doesn’t trigger anyone. If it does, I am sorry as that was/is not my intent. I hope my sharing assists in a better understanding of how I perceive this unique time in human history and that is all.

Perceptions of 2019

Happy New Year’s Eve – and New Year, too! How are you feeling about leaving 2018 behind and entering 2019? What goals, plans, ideas, and manifestations do you have for the coming year?

I feel very neutral about moving into a new year. 2018 was a good year for me overall. MUCH better than 2017! And actually, I often do not think of time in years these days. January 1st will likely feel like any other day, the only difference is that I will have to learn to write “2019” as the date.

I haven’t thought much about goals, plans, ideas and things I would like to manifest for the coming year. I’m not much of a goal-setter in general. I kinda go with the flow. Then, when what I want comes to me, I usually just do it/get it. It’s probably wise to at least write out some goals but I struggle with articulating exactly what I want. A dream board would probably be a good idea but I am not feeling very motivated toward that end right now.

It’s easier for me to count my blessings and smile at the gifts I have been given. So that is my main intention for this new year – to be more thankful and focus on the things in life that are right rather than always on the wrong. For example, this morning my youngest came and snuggled up to me in bed. I could feel his tiny fingers, toes, knees and elbows nudging me and it reminded me of when he was in my tummy doing the exact same thing. Awww! The love and gifts of a child! Nothing is more precious in this world. And to think my youngest will be 5 this year! Wow. So I am grateful he is still small enough to snuggle and curl up in my arms, and he is SO good at giving snuggles.

This morning my guidance asked me, “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” They have done this before and I wonder what the point of the whole exercise is considering I am nowhere near where I thought I would be 10 years ago. Never could I have foreseen the amazing transformations, twists and turns my life would take in that time period. The most I can hope for is that each of my children is healthy, happy, and successful, reaching their goals and working through problems, experiencing growth and change without succumbing to loss. I look forward to watching them transform into their independent, unique selves. Hopefully I am able to step back and let them fall despite wanting to save them all the time.

I have little consideration for myself for the next ten years. I suspect my spiritual acceleration will continue to ebb and flow along the way, teaching me lessons and acting like a companion book to this physical existence. My biggest hope is that I get my greatest desires fulfilled. I will leave the “how” of that to the Universe as I never seem to get it right when left to my own devices! lol My greatest desires are to feel at Home here on Earth, to connect with others at the Divine/heart level without destroying myself in the process, to love myself in this body and as this person, and to be in a Divine partnership where I can be truly vulnerable and open with another both energetically and physically. Some of these goals are likely to not come to fruition within the year but I can hope. 🙂

As you can see, I didn’t list out anything that I want from this physical universe. I honestly don’t have any specific desires other than to be given what I need. Maybe that is short-sighted but in this lifetime I have found the physical universe very generous.

Perceptions of 2019

My sense and impressions of this coming year are varied. If it were a weather forecast I would say, “Cloudy for the first few months with a chance of lightning (change) and howling winds (I wrote ‘wings’ initially instead of ‘winds’).” To me, this forecast represents a clearing of that which is unseen and has up to this point lay dormant deep in the subconscious. It is more universal clearing than individual, so don’t fixate on what surfaces or try to own it. Just let it go and breathe through it. The lightning here is energetic for those of us who can experience such things. And the winds bring information/Knowing that can no longer be avoided. It “howls” because it has been denied so long. Imagine a dog howling and lonely. The “wings” part feels like guidance to me. Ask for it when you need it.

As summer approaches the weather will turn “Sunny with prevailing winds and rains that bring about massive flooding with undercurrents of depression and shame.”  I see a shift in gears – many will experience 180° turns in areas of personal relationship and finance. Rather than being unexpected, these turns will be more premeditated, though the less aware will feel these changes forced upon them. It’s possible that some will even feel side-swiped. Also, by this time many souls will have departed the Earth plane to return again in new bodies in order to help with the ascension. In fact, this departure has already begun.

By Fall the weather will be “mild, eerily quiet and deceptively stagnant” compared to earlier in the year. In contrast, physical world weather will be ramping up. I would not be surprised if there were more natural disasters at this time. Overall, though, the undercurrent of spiritual change will be nearly invisible, but do not be deceived by the lack of activity. Much will be going on under the surface. For some of us, there will be “rising tides” that will be very obvious and we will need to ride them to fruition or be suffocated by them. I see “crimson skies” indicative of a sunrise or sunset, though I cannot tell which. Either way the vision points to the cycles of death and rebirth and the life giving warmth of the sun. A message comes through as a reminder – “This too will pass”. Nothing is permanent, though it may seem to be.

Winter will be similar to Fall with a few “undercurrents of frigidness and deception prevalent.” There will be breaks of “rainbows and sunshine” between these darker periods, allowing us to recover and heal. I am sensing a world-scale event possible, but I am not allowed to see it clearly at this time.

It looks like 2019 is going to be quite a year! It feels like a turning point in a way. A “final step” with 2020 being the “year of the seer” (2020 vision – seer – see-er).

Happy New Year!

Dream or Reality?

I experienced another purging episode last night around 6pm. It was another bad one. I would recover briefly only to be overcome by it again. It seemed to come in waves and though I pleaded with my guidance for it to stop, it didn’t. Eventually, in my quest to stop the overwhelming emotion, a thought came to me that I should do some yoga. With the thought my third eye, throat and heart lit up with energy.

I went directly upstairs and did some yoga for about a half hour. In the beginning the emotion came on strong but by the end it was gone and I felt normal albeit exhausted. My heart was on fire most of the time as it was also when hit with the emotion. The only way to describe the feeling is to say my heart is aching – literally.

In recalling how I felt last night a memory surfaced of a similar feeling I once had way back in May, 2015. It was preceded by an amazing OBE where I met up with my Council and family in Spirit. The afternoon after this OBE, however, I was nearly debilitated by a surge of emotion and grief. It hit my heart center and felt exactly like the ache in my heart I felt last night. The grief felt on this day in 2015 was for the loss of a family member in Spirit, a close family member and one who I loved dearly. She had killed herself, exiting her life prematurely, and the after-effects were felt by each of us like a ripple effect through us all. It was such a strange experience back then for me to feel such overwhelming love for a woman I never knew in the physical. And then to have it knock me to my knees to the point of non-functionality was a surprise indeed!

Being that how I have been feeling for – jeez months now? – is nearly identical to how I felt in May, 2015, it has me wondering some things. Am I grieving my family in Spirit? Is the grief coming from my resistance to a “call” to join them? Or is it just grief for being separated from them? And if it is either of those, what does it even mean? Will I be feeling like this until I answer the “call” and reunite with them? How the hell am I suppose to live like this? It is like a living death when the pain and grief hits me and so far it has been a nightly/daily occurrence.

Dream or Reality?

This morning a strange thing happened. I had awakened with absolutely no memory of dreams or experiences in dreamtime. I was just laying there dozing when I suddenly recalled something I had done. The memory was of being in a room with at least a half dozen men. They were standing in line at the foot of a bed I was laying on. My job was to have sex with each of them, one by one. I remember doing this happily and allowing them to treat me as a sex object. I even remember some of what they said and what I said, all of very degrading. They had no shame and neither did I. In fact, I felt completely at ease in my role, as if it was an accepted part of the life I chose. There was absolutely no rejection of any part of it.

When I recognized the memory it was real to me. I knew I had done this. In fact, it felt like I had been doing it my entire life. Confused and shocked by the memory and how at-ease I was at who I was and what I did, I went into a mild panic searching for answers to this strange and very real memory. Was it a dream? Yeah, it had to be a dream! I am not that woman. I am not a prostitute.

Somehow I settled down, convinced it must have been an OBE or dream I had somehow forgotten. Within moments I recalled another incident. Again, very real. So much so that I had no doubt I was the person in the memory because I felt what she felt and recalled details no dream would offer. In the memory I was with my lover in the midst of love making. The feelings of love were amazing. I have not felt such love with a partner in this lifetime. It was like pure connection – body, mind, spirit. I remember his blue shirt and the bedroom, the tiny twin sized bed, the large window, the curtains all lace with tiny purple flowers, the carpeting. Everything. I remember recognizing that I felt absolutely no shame or guilt in being with him despite being married to another man. I remember him, too, though all I recall now is his smell, the feel of his arms around me and his dark hair.

The moment I had this memory I “woke up” and my vision was filled with hypnagogic imagery. Tiny, honey bees in a geometric pattern that moved from the center outward. There was a sudden shot to my heart coming from the left and a strange vibrating sensation in my entire upper body that emanated from my heart. The feeling in my heart surprised me and a shock of adrenaline coursed through me.

Yet I had not been asleep, had I? Where had I been? Was I in a trance? I don’t remember sleeping. I remember being awake. The memory of being with the man in blue was there but it had happened. I was certain it was real…wasn’t it?

Super confused I lay there contemplating it. What were these memories? Alternate timelines? Lives I lived simultaneously with this one? Projections? Other people’s memories? WTF?! lol

I must have drifted into the in-between because the next thing I recall is feeling someone, a man, touch my forehead right where my third eye is located. He said, “BE” when he touched it. Then he touched my chin and said, “LIVE”. I could see him smiling. He was shiny. Golden. He had a mischievous look in his eyes, too. What he said sounded like “Be-lieve” but at the same time it was also “BE” and “LIVE”.

I came back to myself when I felt a lightening bolt of energy shoot into my heart space from the left. Again I felt the vibrations and saw hypnagogic imagery. Again there was a rush of adrenaline.  I felt a distinct rush of fear, but of what? It didn’t make sense.

I thought, “That’s it. I am getting out of bed.” lol

This song has been in my mind for two days now:




Stella Nova

At one point last night when I was wide awake after an especially vivid dream, I became aware of a stream of consciousness entering my energy field. It was directed at me and spoke to me. I knew it was Pleiadian and it felt connected to my guidance,though I could not determine if it was from one specific individual or all of them. My heart and solar plexus were especially sensitive and my entire energy body felt different, though how I can’t say.

My awareness of this consciousness stream seemed to initiate a communication that was both complete Knowing intermixed with telepathy. I knew that the stream was coming from a space craft of some sort. I also knew I was part of the ground crew and they were checking in – passing on information or mission notes to me.

I asked for the name of the vessel and heard, “Stella Nova.” I thought about it and wondered what their mission was. I heard, “Colonization of…..” The planets that were mentioned were not familiar and I cannot recall their names now. I do remember they had letters attached to them, like “A” followed by a numerical sequence. Some of them were actual names, but none of them from the Milky Way Galaxy, at least not that I know of.

Then I heard that I was receiving the transmission at a frequency of  2.878 Hz. This went completely over my head.

There was an exchange here involving mathematical equations. I saw them, understood them at some level, and was discussing the formula in algebraic terminology. I remember balancing the equation, but why I was doing this or what the equation was for is lost to me.

In recalling this exchange, I felt the need to search for brainwave frequencies to see where 2.878 Hz fell. Turns out, that frequency is considered to be within the range of Delta waves – 0-4 Hz.  Those who have high amounts of Delta brainwaves while awake are more empathetic and tuned into the unconscious. They are also associated with an all-encompassing bliss state, intuition, paranormal experiences and OBEs/astral projection. Sounds like me in a nutshell! lol

In researching brainwave frequency, I came across the Doppler Effect and equations that were eerily similar to what I remember balancing during last night’s exchange. The wavelength equations on this website are the most similar except the variables were not the same.

It was not until this morning that I finally understood the meaning behind the name of the ship. Stella Nova translates to “New Star”. If you read yesterday’s blog post, you will see the connection. As I was researching Stella Nova, I came across this article. When I read the part entitled, “A Star is Born” I knew without a doubt that the name of the ship was directly connected to yesterday’s message.

I wanted to add that throughout the night and into this morning I have had an odd feeling of newness. A trepidation that is becoming very difficult to ignore. The feeling must be akin to how a fledgling feels when it’s brothers and sisters have already jumped from the nest and taken flight. The little bird knows it has wings and knows they are used to fly, but has never flown before and doesn’t know if it can. The drop is scary and the nest is comfortable so it wants to stay where it is safe. But eventually it will have to leave the nest and fly out into the big, wide, new world.

I feel like a part of me is dying. It is a very real feeling and one I have felt before. But this time the feeling is much, much bigger.

Image credits: Birth of a Star

Nothing Like an Afternoon Projection….or Two

Despite a rough night and a full week of energy onslaught I took my guides’ advice and am doing a liquid fast today. I chose to incorporate juicing because my high-metabolism-body needs more than just water and lemon juice all day long to function properly. The fast started last night around 8pm and will go until tomorrow morning if I can make it that long. Approximately 36 hours.

So far so good. No major blood sugar drops. Only side effect thus far is a headache but that is because I skipped my daily cup of coffee. I had two different juice combinations for breakfast along with a hefty amount of water – an antioxidant one with strawberries, blueberries and lime and another that was carrot, apple and ginger.  I had a double round of a melon detox juice (yum!) and I did sneak a few bites of watermelon. I didn’t see the harm considering it is mostly water anyway. 😉 Just now I had a juice made of more greens than I normally eat in a day. Hoping that one does not come back to haunt me.

Since I am as exhausted as a mother with a newborn these days, I have been laying around most of the day. I only put forth effort when I make the juice and if you have ever juiced then you know it is quite an effort, especially to clean it afterward! My husband took the kids with him to help me out and so I went directly to bed. Of course, when I lay down I was not tired and my mind went through a gauntlet of thoughts. I felt my guidance, though, and as I became more and more relaxed, they became more and more present in my energy field.


They sent me a vision which was quite unexpected. I saw very clearly a man standing in green grass with a device in his hand. My attention was drawn to his feet which were completely bare. Then I noticed what he was doing: surveying. I laughed and came out of my reverie. Barefoot, just like I was in a recent dream. To me it means I have gotten to the point of allowing myself to feel vulnerable and freed of self-limiting beliefs. But it can also be a sign of indecision or a choice needing to be made. The surveying part was a message that me and my guides are preparing for what is ahead; making sure everything is exactly right. I was reassured that I am “ready”.

OBE: Spilling Milk

I should have known I would project. Laying there in bed in the middle of the afternoon, alone and with spiritual intent, I was reminded of the early days of my awakening. I use to take afternoon naps all the time to induce a conscious exit and then play for hours in the astral. So I said point blank to my guides, “I want to astral.”

The most common way to project for me is to go to sleep and then wake back up (WBTB) but since this was the afternoon I chose the meditation route. It was not long before I felt the energy settle over me like a blanket and my crown, third-eye and heart begin to buzz. What happens after is usually hynagogia but I skipped that part. It all just blacked out for a moment and then I heard noises as if my family was in the house. Of course, they weren’t in the house and I knew that, so as soon as I recognized the noises-off I sat up in bed and literally walked right out of my body. 🙂

I entered my old bedroom from high school. The colors were all gold and my vision was not as clear as I would have liked, but oh well. I still heard the noises that I had heard before but now I was able to focus on them. It was the sound of the television from the other room. I went through the door and into the living area, picked up my youngest child and went straight outside into the front yard.

Outside it was the middle of the day and the sun was almost too bright. I saw a bunch of people gathered in the driveway. I didn’t know them but I saw a man I thought I recognized standing with a woman I thought I recognized. Rather that talk to them, I took my son by the hand and led him up the gravel drive. It was very obvious to me then that I was barefoot, too. I remember thinking, “This normally would hurt my feet.” But there was no pain. I lifted up off the ground about a foot and led my son up the drive. What is odd is that I had in my hand a nearly empty gallon of milk and I was pouring the remaining contents on the ground as we flew up the drive. I was really happy to pour out the milk for some reason. lol

When we got to the end of the drive my son went to the mailbox and opened it up. He put something inside and I was about to ask him about it when the man who had been down by the car interrupted me. I don’t remember what he said but I knew him then. He was one of my guides. I don’t think I was suppose to be there either.

This guide was quite big and his hair was a nearly white blonde and shoulder length. He grabbed me and turned me toward him quite roughly. I was in a playful mood so didn’t care. I reached up and kissed him square on the lips. I think I was hoping for some Kundalini rising, but there was nothing like that.

He kissed me back but he also returned me to my bedroom and lingered there until I went back to my body. It was like he escorted me back. Ha!

OBE: Woman in a Headdress 

Whatever his message was, I don’t think I quite got it because as soon as I was back in my body I heard the noises-off again and knew I could exit. As soon as I began to sit up, I both saw and felt someone standing over me. My vision was not on yet so I began to open my eyes and squinted as I began to see the outline of a very beautiful woman take form. I think I had expected my blonde guide because I said to her, “You’re a woman!” I could see jewelry hanging off of her. It was gold and she appeared to have both a necklace and dangling earrings. She touched me on my back and rolled me toward her. Still in my playful mode I was thinking she was being sexual but I was not interested in that. I just wanted to see her more clearly. Unfortunately, it was like she was back lit so it was hard to make out any of her features. Whoever she was, she was quite beautiful energy-wise and from what I could see of her. She also was wearing some kind of very large headdress. The headdress was spiky and seemed to form a star over her head. The way she was moving my astral body I began to wonder why she was there. She kept rolling me back into bed and toward her, as if she was trying to lay me flat. Eventually she got what she wanted and my projection ended. Right before I went back into my body, though, I saw very clearly gold-tipped, white, feathered wings coming out of this woman’s back.

When I came back into my body I was laying on my back with my arms over my head. I don’t remember being in that position to begin with. I wanted to try and go back OOB but my energy seemed to fizzle. I got the message quite quickly that I needed to get up and get more “sustenance”. So I did.




Heart Sensations Return

I’ve begun this post several times and each time deleted it in its entirety. I’m not sure exactly why, though.

There has been a strange energy today following me around. It is not bad or good, just shifty, like the energy is about to take a leap forward. I checked the K-index and there is an active storm but nothing that would normally cause me to notice.

Perhaps it has to do with what happened last night. Last night is what I originally was trying to post about and kept deleting. I will summarize and just say that I had some intense heart chakra sensations. These didn’t hurt. In fact, they were the good kind and went all the way from front to back. It was like someone placed a tube right through my heart center and energy poured through it.

The heart sensations came with specific thoughts and knowingness. It happened at a time when I was speaking with someone, a kind of counselor. I was telling her about things I could not sort out in my life – very personal things. This is when the heart sensations kicked in. I was lucky I did not burst into tears. I was able to get out of the conversation in time. Then I was just in shock for a while. I had not expected my heart to burst open like that. I had done such a good job of shutting it down – or so I’d thought.

Then, after I returned home and the kids were in bed my heart started doing it again and I was overcome with an intense shaking all over my body. I am familiar with the feeling. It is something I had to deal with every time I did a mediumship reading and made contact with Spirit. It is like their energy is too much for me. It can get so bad that my teeth chatter – thankfully it did not get that bad last night. The shaking can also happen when I am talking with another person about deeply personal things. I have never quite figured out why it happens, though.

I wondered why I was having the shaking. I was not tuning into Spirit and not talking to anyone, so it made no sense. I felt my Team near and I wondered if maybe it was coming from them. As if to answer my question, I heard my guide ask me to focus on how I felt. When I did this, I could sense a blockage at my heart level. I was told that I was resisting the energy – the heart energy – and that I have been avoiding something.

And then the shaking was really bad.

And then it was just…gone as was the heart energy.

When I awoke this morning my dreams were instantly gone as soon as I tried to recover them. Frustrated, I tried to feel what happened in the night and knew I had agreed yet again to something, but I don’t know what. My heart chakra lit up again but faded not long after. With it, I was asked if I was willing to accept what it was telling me. I said I was, but honestly I am not sure about any of it. I don’t know what it is telling me, or at least I don’t think I do. Honestly, I am afraid of knowing.

Right before I got out of bed my Team again reminded me of the upgrade that is soon to come. I was told this time that it may frighten me. Then I saw a visual of light pouring down into my crown chakra and going all the way down through all my chakras and into my feet. From the looks of it, it didn’t seem so bad, but then if they say it might scare me, well, it probably will.

It has me wondering now if the strange feeling I’ve had all day has anything to do with this coming upgrade. I guess I’ll find out.


There is one other thing. A group I am a part of on FB is planning a meeting in Mt. Shasta, California in May. I have been following the preparations from the beginning. Yesterday I decided, out of the blue, that I should go. I told my husband about it and, strangely, he had no objections. When I communicated today with the contact about arranging my flight my heart chakra was blazing with energy. Even typing about it now makes my heart light up. I got thoroughly excited about going and my energy went sky high.

Then, in the afternoon, I began to doubt my decision about attending because I only know the people who will be there via the internet. I also began to panic over something very odd. I had this strange feeling that if I went I would not want to come home. Then an internal panic button went off and I got a strange split in two feeling. It was really odd and I almost thought I was about to go OOB right then and there.

After this happened the heart energy ceased – well up until now anyway. I am wondering if this is any indicator of what it is that I am not willing to know/accept. Part of me thinks it is and when I try to consider it, the fear returns. All I want to do is cuss a million cuss words just considering that possibility.



Birth and Death

I had a multiple choice question presented to me this morning. It just appeared in my mind as clear as day while I cuddled with my youngest after being awakened way too early.

The question appeared like this:

Which is the most difficult?

A. Birth

B. Marriage

C. Children

D. Death

My answer woke me up. I responded instantaneously: Birth. Hahahaha

I am not 100% sure that the middle two options are accurate. I have no doubt about options A and D.

I honestly think we never really get over being born, at least I never really did. I am still adjusting. My mom likes to tell the story of my birth because I was her most difficult delivery. Why? I was born breech and back then they didn’t just automatically give a c-section. They had my mom deliver me and it was no easy task. Apparently my butt came out first. LOL I like to say in response to my mom’s story, “I changed my mind and tried to crawl back in.”

Unlike most people, I have memory of my birth. The main memory of it is the pain of being squished. I got a horrible charlie horse. My left foot cramped up when I re-experienced my birth and did not settle down until I had gone over it several times. I remember the bright lights hurting my eyes. Then the cold and the warmth as they wrapped me in a blanket. Then the most beautiful sky blue eyes and an instant calm. I was later told my grandmother was the first to hold me. Her eyes were the color of the sky.

Though physical birth is difficult, it is far from the end.

I look forward to death. Just saying. I think of all of the options, death is the easiest. We get to go Home. We get to rest and celebrate our life accomplishments. Every time someone in my life dies I am jealous. I don’t grieve their passing like everyone else. I celebrate their homecoming. They are the lucky ones. I hope that when I leave this body and return Home my family and friends will celebrate with me rather than grieve for me.



After an exciting evening and early morning, I was finally able to fall asleep without crazy energy, visions and OBEs. I did still have some intense energy shooting through me which I soon found was easily calmed simply by focusing on my heart. I fell asleep centered in my heart.

Dream: Meteor Shower

I was in a parking lot at a college somewhere. It was very late at night and I had just finished reading a long email from someone who read my blog. The email was lengthy – at least four or five pages – and the man was from Germany and telling me his whole life story. I don’t remember his name now, but in the dream as I read the email I heard him speaking to me. He told me he was 44 years old, dark skinned and kept to himself and he was looking to work with others like himself living in one of four continents. I remember thinking he was a little too intense for me and laughing quietly to myself as I realized he was coming onto me.

At this point something caught my eye and I looked up and saw a massive meteor shower. Dozens of meteors streaked across the sky in a brilliant display of light. I was in awe. A young couple walked by and I pointed it out to them. They were a bit nervous as I was in the shadows and seemed to jump out at them. I just laughed and kept watching.

This was when a vivid image of a comet came into my mind. It was not part of the dream. It was just there and startled me awake.


When I awoke the comet vision was very much ingrained in my mind. On top of that, I was still feeling intense energy coursing through my body. This energy was similar to vibrations one feels when about to go OOB but more intense. I also had intense crown and third-eye activity along with some high heart and throat chakra buzzing.

I find the dream interesting because I feel I was actually talking to someone while in my dream. Could be he was an old friend or someone who astral projects or dream walks. Whoever he was, he was nice but a bit to the extreme. The energy was extremely intense and pushy but it was flattering.

Then I saw the meteor shower and the dream symbolism is that the dreamer is having romantic thoughts and/or idealistic notions. This just makes me laugh out loud, especially since I saw the brilliant comet right after. Comets indicate the dreamer needs to move on and free themselves from emotional and physical burdens. Touche!


It took me an entire day to write up as much as I could about my experiences last night and early this morning. There is more – so much more – but I am not sure telling it would help anyone or make much sense. Instead I will say that my Team came through with flying colors. Whatever they did for me during the night completely eradicated the “split” feeling I have been struggling with for the past five or six days. I have never been pushed to such an extreme in my life and really thought I was going to have to somehow just learn to live with what was happening to me. But when I woke this morning the split feeling was just….gone. I feel completely back to normal and freed from that inner hell. I had a marvelous day and have been feeling sublime. So wonderful!

In considering what exactly my Team did that shifted everything for me, I realized it had to do with Trust. That is it. So simple. I was in my heart space, but instead of just allowing the feelings and trusting their divine purpose, I ignored the knowingness and flat out went into fear. Somehow, through all my guided OOB lessons, I was shown how to trust the feelings and knowingness I found in my heart. So very, very important because in trusting the heart you trust that it will lead you exactly where you are suppose to be and that is the most freeing feeling ever.