Kundalini Dream: White Wolf

Intense dreams last night that had me waking frequently.

For the last few nights I have had dream amnesia where I feel an intense heart connection-type energy but it wakes me up and I can’t remember any details. It feels like I am being “visited”, though. These “visits” usually happen early on, like within the first hour or so of sleep. The memory of what I feel is so fleeting that I can barely contact it only minutes later and am left only with a Knowing that it was there.

I vaguely recall a dream meeting with a white wolf. The visual is of it’s face, very close to my own, staring me down. I feel to be pursued but come out of my reverie and the feeling fades.

Prior to sleep last night I felt the heart-connection feeling, that intense pull, briefly before bed. I remember thinking about a recent past situation and wondering what would have happened had a certain person pursued me rather than doing what I asked and withdrawing. I wondered if I had any control over it at all? I shuddered at the thought and felt I needed to be extra careful of Kundalini connections in the future. This consideration may have led to the below dream.

Kundalini Dream: White Wolf

I become aware of dreaming but was not quite lucid. I am in my bed laying down. All around me my family is searching – no hunting – for something. I think, “White Wolf” and remember the wolf was in my dream before, stalking me.

Suddenly, I am lucid. A man is at the foot of my bed kneeling. In front of him are many tarot cards spread out. I can see at least 10, four of which are on top. He is looking down at first but then looks up and stares directly at me. I seem to Know, or maybe am told, he is “a white wolf in sheep’s clothing.”

I am aware of my family in the distance. They are still in my room but my room seems to expand greatly in all directions so that each family member feels to be far away but still within earshot. The sense I have is that they are conducting a “search party”, as if trying to locate a missing person. Yet, I also have this feeling that they are hunting a white wolf and that he has been stalking me.

When I see the man, everything in the dream feels to freeze as we lock eyes. When our eyes lock I am stuck with this feeling that is hard to describe. It originates in my chest and feels warm. With it comes a compulsive feeling I cannot deny. I have felt it before and I just Know. I yell at the top of my lungs to my family in the distance, “Everyone OUT! NOW!!!!”

I am still frozen, eyes locked with this man’s. The tarot cards in front of him come into my mind’s eyes. Two cards specifically are placed in front. One has the image of a single sword on it. The sword is on fire but not consumed by it. The other card has the image of a spiral on it. I remember interpreting the cards aloud. I correctly identify the sword but I call the spiral, “Water”. The man corrects me and says, “No. It’s a wheel. The Wheel of Time.” I look at the card and the spiral on it comes out of the card and begins to spin. I say, “Oh yeah. It’s a wheel, the Wheel of Time.”

The familiar feeling lingers. I feel an attraction to this man but at the same time I am terrified. There is nothing I can do about the feeling and the compulsion to go to this man, to surrender completely, is extremely strong and growing in intensity. Part of this surrender says I will have to do things, things I would normally never do, and I Know this. I remember pushing away my fear and accepting my fate. However, I look away from the man’s gaze and then turn away in hopes the feeling will go away. It doesn’t.

As I stand there in shock, I sense the man moving around. I become aware of standing in my kitchen. The man is on the other side of the sink. I am struggling with the feeling. Part of me is fighting it but the pull is too intense, too compelling. It says, “Surrender”. All I want is to go to this man. Every cell in my Being is screaming at me to go to him, be with him. My analytical mind is not functioning at all. It is completely blank. Even if I wanted to consider the pro’s and con’s of following the feeling, I couldn’t.

Ultimately, I can’t resist the Call to go to this man. So, I walk up to the kitchen sink but avert my eyes, making sure not to make eye contact with him. I begin to clean dishes, occasionally glancing up at him. Every time I look at him his piercing stare causes my heart to pull and my entire Being lights up.

The man talks to me, warning me of a woman, his girlfriend or wife. I know what he is going to say before he finishes. This woman will talk to me. I need to listen to what is behind her words, feel her energy, and not pay attention to what she says. Her words will be hollow.

As I listen to him speak I realize he has an accent. English accent maybe? That is what it sounds like.

The dream ends with us locking eyes again. The Knowing is strong. I Know what I have to do.

As I wake up I am panicking and asking, “What do I do?” I hear back, “Listen.” I repeat my question and receive the same response. I Know that to “listen” means to follow that feeling of surrender, to not resist.

The feeling in my chest begins to subside and somehow I fall back to sleep.

Considerations and Analysis

I briefly recall seeing a vision of the snow melting. I saw this more than once and recognized it as a message of the timing of a future event. It will occur after “the snow has melted”. I believe the event to be what the dream was forewarning.

The feeing I had upon waking was trepidation. My mind was just blank and the feeling, the compulsion to surrender, was ever-present.

Once the feeling passed and my mind was functional again, I wondered, “Who was that man? What does the dream mean? What does a white wolf symbolize and why would he be in sheep’s clothing?”

White wolves are generally good symbols to have in a dream. They symbolize wisdom and independence, freedom and loyalty. When a lone wolf appears it can be a warning to be on the lookout for pretense. It asks one to be cautious and not give trust until it is earned. Wolf symbolism is quite diverse and so the meaning is often up to the individual’s specific situation.

Based upon the beginning of the dream, my entire family seems to be on the hunt for this “wolf”. I also know the wolf is white and is stalking me. Yet when I see the wolf I call off my family and listen to what he has to say. There is wisdom in his words and I feel drawn to him in ways I have rarely experienced in this lifetime.

The symbolism in the two tarot cards is most intriguing. The flaming sword is a familiar symbol from the Bible. Simply put, the flaming sword was placed in front of the Tree of Life to prevent Adam and Eve from partaking of its fruit. The sword is also symbolic of the cleansing fire of God; the Kundalini.

So He drove out the man; and He placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Genesis 3:24, King James Version

A dream vision I had yesterday referred to the fruit eaten by Eve in the Garden of Eden – the “bitten apple”. This dream seemed to point back to that story in Genesis and the Knowledge gained by eating of that fruit. So, today’s dream and yesterday’s appear to be linked. I have no doubt the flaming sword refers to the cleansing power of God – the Kundalini.

The spiral on the second tarot card is a symbol I have seen often in dreams. I am not sure why I think it represents “water” but I am corrected and told it is “The Wheel of Time”. What is interesting is that the spiral symbol is also a Wiccan symbol, and so then also connects to yesterday’s post but to the dream in which I see a man learning about Wicca and entering a cave as a right of passage.

A Spiral is one of the ancient Goddess symbols, as a sign of Life. As such, it is also one of the primary Wicca symbols…..As the Wheel turns, you come around again, but not to the same point as before. You arrive at same place, but on a new level. Just as May 1900 and May 2000 are both spring, yet a different experience.


At the end of the dream I am warned of a conversation I will have with a woman. I am asked to feel the woman’s energy rather than trust the words she speaks. I believe she is “the wolf in sheep’s clothing”.

There is so much more to this dream than I have time to delve into. The biblical references are many. I read several articles about Genesis this morning alone and still feel there is much more to what I was shown in my dream. Ultimately, the references point to passing through the gates of heaven, being allowed entry but only after experiencing the cleansing fire of God. Afterward, I will no longer be separate but One with God and be granted entrance to the Kingdom of Heaven.

It is hard to know whether an actual physical encounter will occur. Most definitely I am being prepared. Not only am I finding actual physical clues and messages, but my dreams are building one upon the other. At the very least I can assume a Kundalini event is on the horizon, but even then, nothing feels certain. I am left with that feeling coming from my heart. It is a physical, spiritual and emotional PULL. It is that familiar Call that only comes with the Kundalini.

6 of Cups…6 of Hearts?

Today it is beautiful in Texas. Sunny, 65 degrees, with a light breeze. The energy was expansive. Yes. Expansive. That’s how it feels to me, anyway.

Some pictures of my walk to give you an idea of what “expansive” feels like. 🙂

I wish I had taken more pics today but I was too busy feeling it all. I sat by the creek for a bit, listening, breathing and feeling. It was nice and there weren’t very many people out, not that it would’ve mattered.

I ended up walking for over an hour. 4 miles in all! Ha!


Okay, so now for the interesting part of my walk. I wrote a while back about finding items on my walks, items I seemed to actually manifest with my thoughts. I found a tube of unopened Chapstick first, then some Apple earbuds (also new) and finally two, twenty dollar bills (yep!). Eventually, I couldn’t think of anything physical I wanted to manifest so I asked the Universe to show me what I needed to know. One of the first things I came across was a playing card in the grass. 6 of Hearts.

On December 18th I wrote this on Facebook (not sure why I didn’t post it here)”:

Remember when I kept finding things on my walks? I didn’t stop attempting to manifest stuff, I just lost interest in material things. I actually asked to be given or shown what was needed. Usually I don’t find any items but that very day I saw a playing card on the side of the road – the 6 of Hearts. I have walked past it every day, taking note of it, but never really looking any deeper into the meaning. Today I saw it again, didn’t pick it up and forgot about it until just now.

Here is the meaning:

It represents the masculine.
It can be an unmarried male romantic partner, family member or friend, always loved by the sitter.
It is often considered the Soulmate card – past lives/karmic.
It can represent communion, knowledge, study and learning.

That was over a month ago and nearly forgotten, until today.

Within the first half-mile of my walk, I saw another card, this time face down, laying in a pile of leaves and rubble that had built up on the bridge I was walking over. At first I walked past it. I was singing along to a song and just feeling really joyful, playful and happy. I was contemplating dancing as I walked, but didn’t because it was a busy road. But despite continuing on I felt an urge to turn back and pick it up. I had to.

Never would I have believed it to be what it was.

That ain’t no playing card!! That’s a tarot card! WTF!?

I can’t remember now if it was right side up or not. I don’t think it even matters. When I saw it I thought, “6 of…..cups?” I mean, those are odd looking cups but then what else could they be?

I tucked the card in my pocket and went on my merry way.

When I got a bit further on my walk I encountered a single, black crow on the path in front of me. I stopped. It stopped. We stared at each other for a bit. I grabbed my phone, fumbled around trying to get it into camera mode, and as I began to aim to take a pic it flew up in the air, cawing at me and joined another crow off to my left.

I continued to my walk, taking note of the crow but not really knowing what to think.

When I got home I pulled the card out of my pocket and examined it. Yep. A tarot card. Definitely NOT a coincidence that I found it.

6 of Cups Message

First off, the 6 of Cups has the same meaning as the 6 of Hearts. I only discovered this after a Google search. I don’t know much about traditional tarot decks (i.e. Rider-Waite) so bear with me. I read tarot using my intuition and rarely read the book descriptions. Unfortunately, looking at the image on the card I found does nothing for my intuition. I thought the cups were crowns, though, so maybe a good sign? lol

Since I wasn’t asking a question and just randomly found the card on my walk, many explanations for the card meaning don’t apply. So, the standard, one card meaning would be something like this:

The Six of Cups in the upright position is a card of pleasures. This card tells about good times and generally remind us of good times, but it could tell about happy times that are just around the corner, those that will turn into amazing new memories.

It is the card of indulgence, periods without any serious problems and reasons to worry.

As this is the card related to ancestry, it could be a sign of a great family gathering, about getting in touch with relatives you haven’t heard from for ages or, even, meeting distant relatives you did not know you have.

For those more inclined towards the psychic, this card could be a sign from the ancestors or make one pay attention to the signs along the road, for those might be messages from ancestors.


What I found is that everyone has a slightly different explanation of the card. Some call it the “soulmate” card. Others the “pleasures” card.

What I am wondering is, why am I seeing this card again? If it is indeed the same as the 6 of Hearts, that is, and that is what I am finding.

Alternative Names:  Six of Cups, Six of Hearts     

All Tarot decks call this suit “Cups.”

The Thoth Tarot titles the Six of Cups as “Pleasure.” 

The Voyager Tarot titles the Six of Cups as “Sorrow.”      

In a deck of regular playing cards this suit is called “Hearts”


Then there is the crow. They are not very common around here and mostly they are in the trees making lots of noise, not sitting alone on the path I am walking. Most definitely not something to disregard.

The Crow (no, not the movie! lol)

It is not a bad omen like most might assume. It can be considered the “trickster” though, meaning it can shape shift and take on any form it chooses in order to pass on its message. And messages are its specialty. When a crow crosses your path it is there to pass on a message. Most of the time that message is something previously known or received by the recipient. It is a sign to the recipient saying, “You know what to do.” Of course, part of the mystery of the crow is in the message because in order to understand it, you must first Know yourself!

Key words:

Creative Force







Overcoming Fear

Ancestral Magic


Working with the “Shadow Self”


So, if I am understanding Crow’s message right, it is to remind me of the tarot card message. AND being I am seeing this card for the second time now, I must not be truly grokking its meaning! Ugh!

What did I miss? Or… is something still in process where I thought conclusion had occurred?

Happy Rave New Year!

SOLAR TRANSIT Gate 41 – Gate of Contraction, Decrease Jan 21 thru 26


The cosmic energy now brings us to the beginning of the Human Experiential way with fuel and a pressure to satisfy your desires and fulfill your destiny.

Imagine if your wildest fantasies and daydreams were running through your mind at the same time. It would be difficult to focus and take them all on. However, if you focus your energy on just one … the possibility of initiating that experience becomes viable. Contraction holds the potential for all human experiences, but releases or initiates only one at a time.

So, consider taking one step and then the next.

In your DNA this gate represents the genetic initiating codon, the capital letter at the beginning of any genetic sentence … the start of a new cycle of human experience.

This frequency could be compared to how life looks as it disappears in the observable world during winter and yet new life is gestating in the unseen world below.

If you’re feeling restless, you may find balance by writing or daydreaming about what it might be like to fulfill your wildest desires, or by vicariously experiencing them through literature and movies. Could it be a time to let go of something to discover what is truly yours? When you understand cycles, you know that Increase automatically follows Decrease. So, while this energy is prominent you can fortify your foundation or examine what’s working for you and what is not. Whatever you release during this period of Decrease will pave the way for something else. Nature shows us that Decrease isn’t a negative event. It’s simply how life continues its forward movement even while appearing to move backward.

The Earth’s grounding force is the voice of influence – for good or for bad. Benevolence may allow you to let go and discover what is rightfully yours. You may need to give up something you feel is important as a commitment to conscientious growth with another. Is it time to remove the superfluous to make room for something new?

Happy Rave New Year!

Love Yourself,

Ruth Brennan

I’m beginning this post with a quote because it contains within it so much of what I’ve been experiencing.

The Rave New Year (Human Design) started on January 20th. I began to feel something….new….a few days before. It started as a feeling I can’t quite describe. Like an energy hovering around me, putting pressure on me from without but also…within? Then, on the 20th, I awoke with such certainty and what is even more surprising, motivation! OMG I haven’t felt motivated in so long.

Oh, and no, it is in no way connected to the inauguration. Which, BTW, I didn’t watch. But now, days later, I wish I had, if only to see Bernie wearing that coat and mittens. LOL

Ever since the 20th I’ve continued to feel motivated. It is such a welcomed feeling, too! So refreshing after so long – a year? more? Suddenly, I have so much opportunity, so much I can do and seemingly little time.

It is also not lost on me that we are entering (in?) the sign of Aquarius. My rising sign and a time when I typically have some significant spiritual experiences, though not always. I never know what will happen but I have been forewarned. My guides have given me the month of March several times now as an end-period, a time of conclusions and so also beginnings. February on into March is to be looked forward to, if only to release me from the nasty grip of my Uranus Opposition (or as they call it, mid-life crisis).

Some things that hit me with the energy shift on the 20th (ideas, thoughts, excitements):

Quit my job. Ha! I know, crazy! Why? Because….IDK really, but mainly I don’t need it anymore and want to put my attention on something else. Free up time to do things just for me. My job is boring. Easy, yes. Boring and monotonous mostly. I have saved half my earnings from last year and if I stay I will save all of them.

For most of my life, when people asked me what I wanted to do in life (career, goals), I responded with: “I don’t want to have to work”. Spoken like a true Projector! lol And here I am. I don’t have to work. Success! But….the extra money is nice to have, the work-from-home is nice, the working for my husband is nice, the simplicity of it is nice… and so and so forth. So, I have not resigned yet. I am mulling over my options.

I really think I want to focus on bodybuilding full-time for a while. I know, weird, but if you know me, it really isn’t. I have made huge strides in the last 14 weeks and finally have my metabolism back where it was in 2014 when I stopped lifting because I had a newborn. I am really proud of myself – Inches lost, energy levels up, generally feeling healthier and happier. So, I am thinking I may compete, do a show, just to say I did.

Another idea – Go on a Walkabout. Yep. This is one of those things I want to do just for me. It came to me after asking the Universe to help me figure out what I needed to do. I knew I needed to do something for me, but what? Costa Rica still feels wrong. So what? Then I saw it and had one of those “time stands still” moments as I was watching my TV show. The main character was urged to go on a Walkabout because he was confused and uncertain about things. That was it.

At first I thought, “Six months!” lol Now I am thinking, “however long it takes” and am letting the Universe show me the route. Thus far, I have felt pulled West. I have a friend who lives in Sedona and a brother in Tucson. So, my final destination will be Arizona but I want to see as many ancient sites along the way as I can. Choco Canyon has always been one of those places, but there are plenty of others. The cave dwellings and White Sands are two others. When I will go is yet unknown but I’m sure it will come to me soon enough. Oh, and I don’t have to quit my job to do it. I can take a leave of absence if I want. Another employee goes on a yearly “walkabout” for several months, so why can’t I?

Smaller things are coming to me all the time, so much that I keep losing track and when I finally sit down to write about them I go completely blank. I recognize that this is because I am not necessarily meant to take action now but when I get the go-ahead from the Universe. I will be shown the way. Most likely, I will be invited to take certain paths.

With all the energy and increase in motivation, my sleep has been suffering. I’m just not tired and when I do fall asleep I wake up about an hour or two later wide awake again. This goes on all night. Oh well, sleep was nice when I had it but at least now I have motivation. Did I say how wonderful it is to feel motivated again? 😉

Ladybug and Hawk Magic

Twice this week I’ve had encounters with a ladybug. It seems to be inhabiting our bathroom. The first time I saw it, I thought it was dying and worried about it. Three days later I found it again but this time it was quite lively. I think it is living off my little, potted bamboo plant, hiding out in our house to avoid the winter chill. I took several videos and close-up shots of him/her. So beautiful!

“Ladybugs appearing in your life precede a time when your goals begin manifesting in remarkable ways. Bits of good fortune trickle around like petals on warm winds. Stop and enjoy this moment. Don’t rush too quickly into anything, but instead let nature unfold like Ladybugs wings.

There is no need to worry or fret – live and honor your sacred truths.

A Ladybug Spirit animal may also arrive at the advent of a new relationship, or the renewal of one that had grown a tad stale. Ladybug whispers words of love in your partner’s ears. Remember that sweet voice and translate it into pillow talk as the relationship sparks.

Alternatively, Ladybug may be telling you that love is just around the corner. If you see Her, count her spots to know the days, weeks or months before it arrives. Keep an open mind!” Source

On the 20th I saw a hawk flying with a branch in its mouth. It landed on top of a nearby tree where a large nest was taking form. I watched from below the tree as the hawk flew away and its mate landed on the nest and placed another twig.

I have never seen a pair of hawks like this. What a wonder! I tried to get a photo but it seemed like they were both a bit shy.

Hawks are about possibilities and seeing things from a new perspective. They remind us to be aware of the “bigger picture”. They are messengers to trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should be. A pair of them could indicate that this message is about two people, likely partners. Or it could just be a double reminder. Whatever the message, it added a sense of wonder to my day.

One More Quote

This one is about Self-Projected Projectors (me!). I am especially proud of my Self-Projectedness:

At the very Top of Hierarchy sits the Self-Projected Projector. Pulling Others up, the Hummingbird catches the Fractal and holds Everything together. Just like a Black Hole in the Center of a Galaxy, that intense Pull towards the Middle is what makes the Self-Projected Projector so strong. The strongest Magnet lies within the Self Projected Projector Who operates from the Chest, the Magnetic Monopole, the Place of Self. “The Future is about Self-Projectedness”.

The Future is not about the Tribe. SPP’s don’t have Tribal Definition.

The most conditioned and compromised by the Environment, the Self-Projected Projectors when operating correctly have the most luminous Power of All. This means Aloneness First. Middle.

The Amplification of the SPP’s Aura in the Right Environment, this is what brings great Influence to the Entire Fractal Included. It is able to unlock many places at the same time, have impact that does not require Repetition. It Triggers deep. Imagine the Quasar with the Black Hole in the Middle. This is how it can be visualized. The Aura of a Self Projected Projector differs when making the Amplification of Energies. Yet it stabs directly in the G of the Other when invited, just as by any Other Projector.

The One that comes the Last, the Alpha of the Fractal, most likely will be a SPP.

“At the Beginning there was a Word. The Word was of God. The Word was God”. Self Projected Projectors Create incredible things from the Place of Self-Expression, the Voice and Self-Love. This Kind of Leader magnetizes everything towards the Self, insisting on the Karmic Entanglement and Resolution of all that stands in the way of it. ~ Theos Doros

Happy Rave New Year!

Vision: Tidal Wave

Woke this morning and had a vision as I was considering my life at present. I saw a tidal wave coming up over my head. It never hit because I came out of my reverie.

I instantly began thinking of the omens I have seen on my walks since we returned home from Montana. The first was a dead rabbit. Yesterday I found a dead dove in the middle of the field as if it just decided to lay down and take a nap.

Tidal wave symbolism – appears when one is under a great deal of pressure or is going through significant life change. The water aspect is all about emotion and in the form of a tidal wave it is a surge of emotion where one feels overwhelmed or unable to cope with what is happening in their life. Usually these changes have to do with procrastination or avoidance of one’s true feelings about something.

Dead dove symbolism – to see a dead dove means an ending to a significant relationship. Because doves mate for life, when one dies the other often sits by the body of their loved one to their own detriment, meaning they will often die, too. So, to see a dead dove indicates a major loss that brings with it great change. It represents the cycle of death and rebirth.

Dead rabbit symbolism – I already touched briefly on this symbol but I will repeat it. A dead rabbit is indicative of loss, usually the loss of a family, family member or loved one who is like family. 

Altogether these omens and visions seem to point to a great change. At first I worried it meant the death of a family member, and I suppose it could mean that, but eventually I just let it be. I know from previous sightings of dead doves that this omen indicates an end to a relationship, at least for me. In the past I was forced to let go of someone, so it was a symbolic death. I can’t recall ever seeing a dead rabbit before. As for tidal waves, I’ve had visions of them before but cannot recall a specific incident related to those visions.

From experience I know that trying to prepare myself by going through every possible scenario never works. I have to just wait and see.

Dream Theme: Ants

I’ve also had two dreams recently about ants. The first was on New Years Eve:

Dream: Burning Ant Bed

I was talking to someone about my credits in History and considering just taking 5 more classes to get my Master’s in the subject. I remember talking about how easy writing papers was and how the subject came naturally to me. I recall seeing my daughter’s name spelled two ways in a paper I was reading and pointing it out to her but her being grumpy about it.

Then I was walking through campus and noticed large, modern houses were built pretty much everywhere. A three story white, modern home was in a very odd place, like right on the corner of the sidewalk. I walked a bit talking to someone about the campus when I saw a ant bed near the sidewalk. I decided to set it on fire to kill the ants when a small, black and white puppy came over and stood in the center of the burning ant bed. I watched it, shocked but somewhat curious as to what it was doing. Eventually, noticing its paws were raw and bleeding, I plucked it out of the burning bed and inspected it. It seemed okay but it would need bandages.

I went to the house I had gone past and saw my FB friend Betty. I showed her the puppy and she was like, “Oh dear, the nuns won’t like this.” Then a nun wearing all white came by and Betty gave her the puppy to treat. I walked away, worried I would be asked lots of questions. I felt guilty for letting the poor pup burn and for setting the fire. I walked past Betty’s husband and told him my worries and then woke up.

Interpretation: History class symbolizes a life lesson that I am discussing. Perhaps the lesson relates to my own karma? I seem to feel fine about completing a degree in it, confident that I can do it. When I woke my first thought about it was that I am starting to feel better about my ability to complete karmic contracts in this lifetime. Since my daughter’s name comes up, it could be that I am considering my children and my karma with them and their father. My guess is the 5 classes could be a time period of 5 years or maybe just 5 more incidents or milestones that must be reached.

Ants in general symbolize hard work. A whole colony of ants is likely accomplishments made with one’s group or team. An ant colony can symbolize startling changes that are occurring in my life. Because I am burning the colony it could mean that I am attempting to destroy or end relationships. The puppy might represent someone in my life who is young and growing who I want to protect. I see the puppy being burned. Eventually I save it but feel guilty because I didn’t save it sooner and so it is wounded. I’m not sure what the nun means but it could be that I give up control to a higher power.

Dream: Drowning Ants

In the second dream I was outside watching a family playing with a water hose in their backyard. The dad was spraying the kids and they were enjoying getting wet. Then I walked over to the edge of the yard where I saw an ant bed. It had been drenched with water. I took a stick and began to push into the ant bed, tearing it apart to look inside. The ants were waterlogged and desperately clung to my stick. I saw them and marveled at them just like I did as a child.

Interpretation: Ants are about teamwork, hard work, creating something through cooperation. Ant beds must be about community or family or the Collective. Water doesn’t typically kill ants, it just slows them down. Water is symbolic of emotion usually. I am using a stick to look at the ants like I did as a child. It is as if I am observing how “emotion” effects the group. I’m not sure which group but it is, likely “Family” because I had been watching a family play with a water hose. 


In addition to all of the above, I have been feeling this strange feeling of being in between life cycles. It is the open feeling, like I am waiting to be shown the next step. Where earlier in the Fall months I was feeling ready to make drastic life changes and considering doing so, now I feel as if I need nothing at all. It isn’t necessarily a peaceful feeling but more a feeling of nothingness, as if I an drifting in a void. Where I am usually seeking a glimpse of future available paths, now there is no seeking beyond the present. I don’t seem to care. It isn’t apathy, either, it is…..nothingness.

To be honest, the feeling is not one I am comfortable with. So last night I attempted to dig within a bit to try and tap into any remaining emotion that might need release. I have a tendency to bury emotion, especially emotions that are overwhelming or difficult to handle, and sometimes the only way to move that emotion up and out is to do a bit of digging. Besides, often, for me at least, no feeling is a symptom of too much feeling.

I was able to contact some emotion, emotion connected to a past event from over 5 years ago now. There was very little emotion remaining but enough to bring some tears. And, of course, I was confronted with what I can only describe as a hole in my heart that when inspected doesn’t reveal anything except emptiness. I am very familiar with it. It seems to be a part of my Being, as if I were born with it. 

Where in the past I would attempt to fill this hole with whatever I could, I have learned that it is pointless. Nothing external will work. In fact, I am not even sure a hole actually exists but is instead a belief most likely compounded by perceived rejection and abandonment by others. 

Mostly I feel ready. For what? I have no idea but I guess that is the point. 

Edit: After I wrote this post I went on my morning walk. Within a minute I found the playing card I had seen some time ago. When I first saw it, it was the 6 of Hearts, but today when I saw it the 6 of Hearts part was completely gone. The weather must have destroyed it. So it was a completely blank playing card and a validation of what I just wrote. I feel “blank”, just like the card.

Crayfish Totem

Had an encounter with a crayfish yesterday. It prompted me to return to this post from 2015, which was the last time I saw a crawdad/crayfish.

Living Life in Between

I was reminded yesterday morning of a recent outing with my children. I had taught them how to catch minnows in the creek with a net. In the process of doing this, I saw a crawdad and caught it quickly. I showed them. We touched it and marveled at it. And I had fun. I felt like a kid again.

I use to spend hours as a kid catching crawdads. I told my children stories of how I waded through knee high mud, invading crawdad homes and catching all sizes. I told them the story of the mammoth crawdad I caught that was the size of a lobster. And I told them stories of how I collected their claws, explaining that they grew back and how I never once got pinched.

I was reminded by seeing in my mind the picture of the crawdad I caught that day (pictured above)…

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Five Dead Beetles

Quick update on my sister for those interested.

She is still in the hospital. At first she was waiting for the hospital to find a home service to come administer her daily intravenous antibiotics. This obviously didn’t pan out, probably because my Mom’s home is in the country (distance) and home health services are limited due to increasing Covid-19 infection rates (fear, lack of staff).

My husband went to visit her and returned home with some unfortunate news. When he asked my sister about her Meth abuse and how it had put her in the hospital and destroyed her heart valve, she claimed the Meth was not the reason her valve failed. Instead she explained how Meth was helping her – giving her inspiration and motivation to complete projects. She also pointed out how she had been using for six years without any complications and her valve had withstood the test of time, even outliving its original ten year expiration date.

Upon hearing this I was very disappointed. I asked my husband if he pointed out how Meth had rotted her teeth, leading to the sepsis that ultimately pushed her body to its limits. He said he had and she said she only had tooth decay because, “Meth makes you forget to brush your teeth.”

My husband pointed out the obvious – my sister has no intention of quitting once she has the surgery.

When I spoke to my Mom about I said to her, “I wish she would just decide whether she wants to live or die. It feels like she keeps changing her mind.” My Mom replied with, “That’s interesting because that is exactly what the surgical team said – she needs to decide whether she wants to live or die.”

The same day this news came to light I had other family issues arise and again began to lose my voice. 😦

My Mom also told me that my sister said the surgical team is planning on doing her surgery on the 15th. This makes no sense since the last major news was that it would take 45 days for the insurance to be transferred to the correct region. Perhaps she has it wrong and the surgery is scheduled for August 15? That would make more sense.

In the meanwhile, my sister wants out of the hospital. She is feeling good and so thinks there is no need for her to be there even though the doctors warned her that though she feels good her heart is near failure and she needs to “take it easy”. It would not surprise me if she checks herself out against medical advice like she did last time. Sigh.

Dreams and Messages

Thankfully I’ve been sleeping pretty well through all this drama. The dreams I have are mixed with memory of them fading quickly upon waking.

I’ve had several dreams where I am working as a counselor again. The dreams usually result in a confusion of my dream self. I wonder, “Why am I here? I already had a job?” The most recent dream resulted in me feeling like taking a counseling job would betray my current coworkers and so I was quite split about the decision.

It makes me wonder if I am considering returning to counseling on some level….

Recently I awoke speaking to someone in Spirit. My heart chakra was warm and active. It was a wonderful feeling, one I haven’t felt in a long while.

Another morning I woke up from a dream about food. I asked, “Why do I keep having dreams about food?” My guides replied with, “What do you nourish yourself with?”

This is a good question to ask ones self, especially if one is unhappy or feeling negative or rollercoastering.

I concluded that my mental nourishment needed adjustment and that I should focus on increasing my spiritual nourishment.

My self-talk has always been an issue because I tend toward self-criticism and self-judgment. Perfectionism at its best. It is easy to see only what is wrong and be blind to one’s blessings. So I have been working on focusing on my blessings but it is difficult with all the family drama and high triggering effect it has.

I’ve also become lax in my spiritual practices. Meditation isn’t happening much these days nor am I paying much attention to the signs and syncs the Universe sends.

As soon as I decided to pay attention, the signs started coming.

Beetle Symbolism

A few days ago, while at my Mom’s, I found five dead beetles. These were no ordinary beetles, though. In fact, I’ve never seen such large beetles in Texas before and I’ve lived here for most of my life. They are about two inches and some have horns on them. In fact, they look similar to a rhinoceros beetle.

The beetles I found. They are known as Ox Beetles, part of the scarab family of beetles.

I was fascinated with the beetles and took several pictures after examining them all and noting their differences. The two males have horns. Each male was found next to one female and another female was found alone. You can see one of the females has her wings out. She is also missing her abdomen. The other four are perfectly intact down to their antennae.

Previous to this beetle discovery I had found a lone female (on June 6th). I also took photos and inspected her closely, fascinated by her size and preservation.

Copy of my Instagram post on June 6th.

The connection between them seems to be what was happening at the time of discovering them – the same family drama, relationship issues, boredom and questioning of my life. The last message I had received prior to June 6th was that I needed to dive into healing, focusing on my heart. I had a similar message about my heart and “doing the work” not long after.

The beetle is a symbol of transformation, eternity, moving between worlds, cosmic forces, rebirth and enlightenment. Since these beetles are dead, I wonder if this is a bad omen? Or it might just mean I am feeling “dead” in regards to the spiritual in my life? The last seems the most true to me. It may not be that these aspects are dead but that they are hidden from me due to all the physical world drama of late.

The female with her wings out and missing her abdomen feels like a representation of me. I tried to fly but couldn’t and in the process lost my “core” or received an injury to that portion of myself. The five beetles coincides with the number of individuals in my family which may or may not be significant.


Energetically I have been all over the place. Some days I feel quite balanced while other I feel disconnected, confused, or just plain triggered. The full moon eclipse of the 4th was especially odd. Mostly I just wanted to be alone but because of the family activities felt pressured into being around lots of people, people who I don’t feel much if any connection to.

Mostly I am left with a questioning of where I am currently in life, feeling the need to inspect the quality of the connections I have. Do the people I associate with resonate with me? If they don’t, then what? How do I correct this?

I am also questioning my future. What lies ahead? Sadly I see very little and have no specific goals in mind. In a recent conversation with my Mom about my sister’s plight I told her, “If I had little to no time left in this body I would be okay with it. I feel as if my work here is done.” My Mom asked me, “What about your children? They still need you.” I said, “Not like they use to. They would be fine without me.” Of course, my confession upset my Mom but she doesn’t understand where I am at right now. In a way I envy my sister’s position. Not the drug addict part but the part where the end of her life is in sight and she can easily take that exit.

My wishing to move onto the next world is not a new one. It seems the more spiritual experiences I have, the more the desire to move on becomes. What I’ve seen and experienced cannot be undone. Sometime I wish it could be. It is the cruel fate of those like me who walk the line between the physical, material, illusory world and the Spirit world and the Divine Connection of All That Is.

Keep Calm: The Earth is Purging

The Earth is purging. It has been for a long time now.

Years ago when I had my first precognition visions (unwanted at that) I was shown natural disasters (fires, floods, viruses, drought, migration) to the point of crippling the population and economy, leading to wars, riots, destruction. Massive population movement (displacement) all over the world because of the changes in climate. Water levels rising and flooding populations close to the coastlines, rising up the Mississippi river and other large rives, flooding beyond record levels. That was in 2002 and covered “the next 50 years”. We aren’t even halfway through yet.

I was shown back in 2002 to stay put, location-wise, for a reason. No flooding here. No earthquakes. Climate change would be more positive, in that it would be wetter – similar to the sub-tropics. The Equator will shift as the poles shift, moving the tropics and sub-tropics from the positions they are in now, shifting that weather north in some areas and south in others. I happen to be in the north side of it.

When the fires hit the US I kept hearing from my guides, “Purge by fire”. When the flooding was happening in the US, it was, “Purge by water.” I heard the same with various other natural disasters as they happened happened around the world.

The Corona virus is no different, it’s just “Purge by disease.”

The Earth can only take so much. There are too many people and that number is rising. We are taking more than we need, using up Earth’s bounty, sucking her dry.

When animal populations rise too much, the Earth naturally fixes the problem. Either food becomes scarce, disease spreads quickly or some other method or combinations of methods is used to slow the population rise and maintain balance. Yet humans think we are somehow immune from this. We believe we are “superior”. So we develop ways to avoid the natural process and our population swells to numbers far beyond Earth’s ability to cope. The tipping point is here, though, and if we are smart we will listen to the Earth’s cries.

If a virus doesn’t kill off millions, something else will. The Earth is purging and will continue to.

Resisting the changes won’t help. Remaining calm and centered will. The herd mentality creates more problems, leads to panic and people acting illogically. Quarantining people in their homes for weeks won’t make it go away, it only slows it down. Other virus’ exist, some we don’t even know about, some we do. Are we going to be in quarantine forever? Contact with other humans is inevitable – needed.

I find it interesting also that I just finished watching the show 12 Monkeys which is about a virus that wipes out almost all of the world population. Ha! Not a sync I missed.

I saw a post yesterday that speaks so much about this virus situation. It resonated with me completely.


When I observe people both online and in my day-to-day living, I see evidence of these three groups, have for a long while now.

The 4D group is very active on FB and other social media. This person or that is a “pedophile”, the virus is a “hoax”, “Team Dark” is trying to destroy the Light, the elite are using us a pawns, etc. It is not that they are “wrong”. It is very likely such hidden agendas are in the works (probably, actually). But becoming enmeshed in such things acts only to distract them, distancing them further from the inner work that needs to be done.

The fear mongers are frantic. They are the ones I avoid when I go out in public because their fear is broadcast in their energy and makes me feel generally icky. The amount of fear varies, of course, from severe paranoia to mere anxiety, but they are all being controlled by it, not listening to their inner Knowing but instead seeking out the most recent news and then spreading the fear to others in various ways.

The 5D individuals are less openly obvious. They are the quiet ones for the most part. Observing, allowing – centered in their hearts and in their Knowing. They stand centered in Self, watching the world around them without judgement but with compassion.

I feel I am more in line with the 5D group. I struggle with remaining neutral, though. When I see the conspiracy posts on FB or other social media I want to write something to try and show them how distracted they are, but I stay silent. It is the same with those consumed by fear. It will do no good to try and force them to see things the way I do. They are going through their own process, as we all are, and no one path is alike.

So I remain quiet more than not. When I go out in public I smile, I remain calm, I am friendly. Just yesterday when I was out shopping, an employee of the store was also shopping and approached me, smiling and friendly. When he got too close he backed up suddenly and apologized, saying he should not get too close with the virus so near. I smiled, laughed and reassured him that I had no fear whatsoever of becoming infected. He looked positively relieved and began to relax, smiling and continuing to share his story and thoughts. I listened and allowed him to release some of his pent up emotion and fear.

Yet in the same trip as I was checking out I must have gotten too close and the man in front of me stiffened as if he were going to catch fire or drop dead. I backed off, smiled and remained pleasant.

I will leave you all with a positive sign I received two days ago on a trip to see my Mom, who lives about 40 minutes away in the country. It was a pleasant visit and toward the end we were blessed with visit by a Polyphemus moth. My step-father gently picked it up and held it and after a while it flew off into the distance. We were all in awe of its beauty and presence.


The symbolism of the moth was not lost on me. I knew it was a message. Here is the message of the moth:

moth symbolism

Dream Themes: Owls and Dogs


I am still recovering from my last illness. It just lingers and lingers. Thankfully I do not feel ill, just annoyed to have random coughing episodes. My daughter and sons are also still coughing every once in a while, so I know it is just the illness lingering and not something more severe.

My husband is still out of town but plans to return by the 19th. I am looking forward to a break from being a single parent to three children, especially during the holiday season (Halloween, Thanksgiving and part of Christmas).

I suspect single parenthood is part of the reason I keep getting sick. Too much going on, not as much sleep, higher stress levels – just go, go, go all the time! Being on the go is part of my personality and natural rhythm but I also need time to unwind and de-stress, which I have not really gotten, at least not in the amount I prefer.

Meditation to Balance the Masculine and Feminine

I purchased a book called The Art of Making Sex Sacred. I have only read the first chapter but did a meditation from it that produced a bit of insight. The meditation focuses on the masculine and feminine sides of the Self. Each aspect brings forth information to help balance the two within.

I have done the meditation twice now, once last night and once this morning. The first time I didn’t have much success, probably because my kids were awake and making lots of noise. I was able to get a visual of the two aspects. The male aspect looked like a man but had on some kind of large mask. The female was dressed all in white. This morning I saw these visuals again. I could not see what the mask looked like which bothered me but the male was completely naked. I think the female wore a mask too and she was still dressed in all white, like a flowing gown.

I asked how I could bring my masculine and feminine more into balance. I knew that the masculine is often the dominant one in my personality and I felt that I needed to listen and allow the emotional, creative feminine to express herself more. I was taught to be a strong, independent woman, to distrust men, and that emotion is weakness. Then I got a moving visual of people singing and dancing. I even heard the music to an extent. It was drums I think. I knew the answer was to get my body moving. They call it ecstatic dance, which I had done once before.

So, yesterday, I opted to do a quick ecstatic dance, or dancing meditation. I searched YouTube and found one online that I really liked.

The woman really drew me in and the experience I had indicated that it would be good to continue to practice ecstatic dance at least once a week, maybe more. I felt a tiny release of emotion, mostly relief mixed with sadness, while I was dancing. It reminded me of the last time I participated in ecstatic dance – when I went to Tennessee in 2016.

Dream Themes Continue

I continue to have very vivid dreams and have been seeing a repeat of certain themes since the last dream theme of 12. Usually, when I recognize a theme is present and acknowledge the message it brings, the theme stops. This is what happened with the 12 theme and has also happened with the owl theme thus far. The dog theme has been on-going this month, though, and continues to recur. This could mean I have not yet grasped the meaning of the theme yet.

Dream: Early Ceremony

I was inside a house with a classmate from high school. I also recall another person being there who told me my ceremony (recognition for accomplishments) would be held early. I was given a necklace (a relationship) made of gold with a circle (wholeness, cycle of life) pendant. Inside the pendant was a single diamond (strength) that could be moved up and down. I remember holding it and showing my classmate but not putting it on. An entire speech was said prior to me getting the necklace but I can’t recall it now.

I then talked to my classmate asking her how it felt to be 48 years old. I somehow concluded that I was 47 and about to turn 48. It felt like the month of July for some reason. Not sure if there is significance to this dream but I suspect the message was that something important would occur prior to my 48th birthday.

Owl Theme: 12/7-8/19

Dreams: Owls

In the beginning of one dream I was walking down a path and interacted with various people and objects. In one part I was taking photos of flowers – one was a large sunflower(prosperity). In another part I was looking at owls (wisdom, intuition, psychic gifts) and other animals. I don’t remember much about the rest of this part now.

Then I had a dream of being with my BIL and his family visiting a very nice house for sale in AZ. The house (soul) was a hotel and cost $6 million. The owner was giving us a tour and I was walking through it talking about how nice it would be to own this house in the mountains. The house was like a maze (difficulties and setbacks), though, full of very elaborate furnishings and expensive things. Outside on the veranda was a large body of water that I later discovered was a pool. It was my favorite part.

I got separated from the family and so got lost and had to find my way back to them. I remember seeing the house from above. It was positioned on a plateau with many acres and was the grandest house in the area.

Then we were with my BIL’s family going on a vacation to AZ.  We drove along a dirt road. Cliffs were high on either side with partially built houses in them. We came to an opening and there was a lake on both sides with more houses along it’s banks. One was a huge chateau built into the stone along the lake. The water was very low but blue and clear (positive emotion). I remember mentioning how the road would likely flood when the water got high.

We were going to take a dirt bike tour and I was looking at the cost – $350 or something. We got out of the car and walked a while and my BIL (masculine aspect), who was very dirty, jumped into the water to clean off only the water was very muddy (clouded emotion). I remember seeing an option to go visit the cave dwellings and mentioned doing that before the dirt bikes that would be at 1pm. I also said we could do it the next day. My BIL had to be back to work by Monday, so that didn’t happen.

Then the dream shifted and I was with my Mom at a ranch somewhere in west Texas. We were talking about buying it. I remember saying the mountains were perfect – not too high or too low. The people who previously owned the ranch had animals. I remember she had a baby owl that she raised to adulthood. It flew onto my arm and it looked to have cat (feminine sexuality) ears. I recall being shown it was raise along side a Cougar (feminine desire) and they played roughly together. Very odd!

Dog Theme: 12/10/19

Dream: Peeing Dog

The start of the dream was outside near a pool (cleansing) that was so green with algae (risks, unforeseen problems) that it looked more like a pond. There were people swimming in it and I remember thinking of how difficult it would be to clean the pool. I was also concerned that the pool was toxic. I can’t remember if I was in it or not but amidst the pool memories I recall being in my old bedroom at my moms, the room I occupied while I was in high school.

Then I was walking a dog (protection) that resembled my dog Trooper. We went into a house or apartment that I knew was the home of a my friend Yvonne. My dog suddenly acted like he needed to poop and decided to stop near Yvonne’s sofa table. I tried to pull him off the white, furry rug but he squatted and began to poop anyway. What came out was not poop, though, but a stream of clear water (clear emotion). He then decided to walk as he pooped/peed and left a trail of the stuff across the living room. I could hear Yvonne in the other room teaching a class so I tried to be quiet as I cleaned up as much of the mess as I could. I remember the pee smelled odd. It didn’t smell like poop or pee. I hoped Yvonne wouldn’t notice as I took my dog out of the home quickly.

Note: The next morning my friend Yvonne had tons of posting on Instagram and one was about a walk-in meet-up next summer. Yvonne rarely posts on Instagram and this was the first post I had seen in over a year. Coincidence? Not likely! Similarly, the ecstatic dance coincides with Yvonne and the walk-in group as well. Ha!

Dream: Shifting Dog

In this dream I was driving somewhere along a highway (path in life) when I noticed my dog chasing my car and not giving up no matter how fast I drove. Worried he would exhaust himself or get run over, I pulled off onto the feeder road and stopped the car. At this time he morphed from an Aussie into a tiny wiener dog (be persistent, don’t dally). I stuffed him into my coat and then got into my truck (hard work) where I put him in the tiny back seat.

Then I drove and drove until I reached a very busy highway intersection with ramps that went very high into the air (ascending spirituality). It felt like a hub of some sort. I was looking at a GPS as I walked around trying to decide which ramp to take. Somehow I lost my car and was on foot but I don’t remember when this happened.

I began to walk up a very steep ramp along with many other people. My dog was with me in my arms. As I walked the GPS said, “Take ramp 2” and then said, “Recalculating” indicating that I had taken the wrong ramp. I remember thinking, “I can’t back up on a one-way ramp” but then realizing I was on foot (my individual path) and I could turn around and go back. I walked a bit back toward the bottom and then tried to jump over to ramp 2 when I saw a large space between the two ramps and a drop far down to the ground that would kill me if I fell. So I continued to walk down further. I climbed over the rail (barrier to progress) to get to ramp 2 without any issue. Someone commented that it was unusual to jump over the rails and I responded that I had to get over there.

Then my dog was loose, the wiener dog, and an older couple was reacting with surprise. I went after him and he morphed into a tiny baby (new ideas, new potential) and jumped into the space between the ramps that should have been a drop but instead was water. I watched as the baby floated in the water for a little while feeling at first like I couldn’t move to go rescue him. Then I felt able to move and swooped in and picked him up. I asked him why he jumped in and he said, “So you could rescue me.”

The dream continues with me walking up the correct ramp. I saw a mother and her daughter discussing the many places to visit in the city the ramp led to. I saw a map with various colleges and the daughter pointed to a stadium at a college saying she was going to visit. I commented that I would never attend such a big university in a big city like that – too many people and I don’t like people very much.

Then I recall being inside a building where there were many people milling about looking at various pamphlets for colleges and universities in the area. Along the sides of the room were people sitting at desks with PCs. I remember noticing that others in my group were absent and then remembering that they were on their college day and that I had taken my day the day before.


Overall, my dreams seem to be pointing at me doing more inner work and healing. Along with the illnesses I have been dealing with it could be that I am undergoing a massive physical and emotional clearing in preparation for something to come.

The dog symbol could be a reminder to stay protected or that I am protected. The dogs that morph go from a dog in my past to an unknown dog to a baby. This in itself seems to point to clearing up issues from the past, seizing the moment and “rescuing” ideas and potential that may have been lost or forgotten.

The owl has long been my totem. I have had real-life encounters with the Great Horned Owl throughout my life but most of my encounters have been in dream time since my awakening. I find it curious that I saw the owl as having “cat ears”. My guess is I was seeing a Great Horned Owl who looked to have cat ears. Also, cats tend to be a common theme of mine indicating feminine power and sexuality. So perhaps I am being advised to listen to my intuition and dreams (owls) and stop denying my feminine power (cats)?

Full Moon Skunk Encounter

I’ve been meaning to write but just haven’t followed through. I was waiting for something to shift, for my monkey mind to quiet down a bit more and for my body to feel less “off”. Yesterday all these things were beginning to line up and this morning it seems to be holding steady…..so far anyway.

Full Moon Skunk Encounter

But before I get ahead of myself, let’s go back to the 12th. I took Monty on a walk in the evening, just as the sun was setting. I saw the full moon in the distance so walked into an open field to get a better look. I stopped and marveled at its beauty, took a couple of photos and turned around to leave. That’s when I saw it. A skunk, walking toward me, nose down and completely unaware of me and my dog. Shocked, I stood and watched, knowing this was a message and to pay attention. The skunk lumbered toward me and Monty, happily feasting on grubs and oblivious to our presence. I took some photos and stuck around a while because I have never been that close to a skunk. I’ve seen them from my car but never without something between me and the skunk.


Photo of skunk in low light so quite blurry but you get the idea. 😉 

The full moon itself marks the peak of a cycle. It brings illumination and clarity. It heightens awareness and intensifies dream activity. It brings insight into past patterns and assist us in using that knowledge to better prepare for the future.

The skunk’s main message is “do no harm”. It reminds us that there are times when we must defend ourselves, yes, but to remember to do so in a way that does not hurt or damage others.

In times where threats are not imminent, the skunk reminds us to be patient, prudent and silent. Like Mr. Skunk showed me in that field, sometimes it is best to mind our own business, to be self-assured and confident in our own path while allowing others to follow theirs. Mr. Skunk may have known all along that me and Monty were there observing him but he went his merry way to the point of coming directly toward us, tail in the air as if to say, “I see you but I am not afraid.”

Overall, seeing Mr. Skunk brought me great joy and I carried that with me all the way home, sharing the pictures and video with my family. My children were especially fascinated because to them a skunk was just an unpleasant smell. Now they know they are quite cute and almost….cuddly. lol

More Panic

Friday and Saturday brought more uneasiness and anxiety, unfortunately. I just felt overly aware of everything that was going on with my body. My heart space felt odd and that would lead to my focusing on the feeling and it increasing to the point that I would become nervous about it. My heart rate would increase and an overall ill feeling would come over me.

Saturday I asked my husband to go on a walk with me because the feeling was making it very hard for me to function. Thankfully the walk seemed to tone it down and all odd heart sensations vanished. They returned the end of the day on yet another walk but I was able to manage it, but I felt like a failure since I know it is my thoughts that is fueling the incidences.

Sunday I woke feeling much better. So much so that I opted to do a workout and see if I could avoid another exercise induced panic attack. I started with a walk. Sadly, the panic began to set in but this time I opted to sing a song to myself as a distraction. I chose a song my grandmother use to sing on her many walks – One Day at a Time. As soon as I started to sing a huge bubble of emotion formed in my chest and went up into my throat. I began to cry and the pressure in my throat released. I continued to sing, allowing the emotion to flow and suddenly it felt as if I were floating rather than walking down the sidewalk. I had the strangest sense that I was OOB and the world around me a dream.

I made it home and took a short break before continuing with my weight lifting routine, one I hadn’t done in over a week. The first part was rough, though, because every time my heart rate went up I began to panic a little. I kept having to talk myself down and take breaks. Eventually, though, something clicked. I remember the song One Day at a Time and the strange release I had during my walk. I went down stairs briefly and when I returned it was like I did a 180. I felt revived with zero fear and completed my workout with gusto. When it was all over I felt wonderful, as if I had slayed the anxiety dragon.

This morning it was so nice outside that I decided to do a short run-walk interval (about 20 minutes). I stayed close to the house and did the intervals without ending up in panic mode. However, when I checked my heart rate later when reviewing my run it had gotten pretty high toward the end, much higher than it should have been. Just seeing that my heart rate went so high with so little exertion worried me and so then I had to work through some rising pangs of panic. Thankfully nothing major. Obviously I have some issues relating to fear of death coming up that need to be sorted. The last thing I want to do is avoid future issues by completely ceasing all exercise. I just have to take it a bit slower and easier than I am use to and be kind and loving to myself.


Interestingly, my dreams over the weekend indicated some deep healing work was taking place, specifically on my heart. My guidance indicated that the work was nearly complete and to allow and thoroughly feel the emotions that were being released. There was incidences prior to sleep where I tuned into my heart space and got brief glimpses into the blockage there. When the emotion came up, it came up in spurts that lasted only moments. With each rise of emotion came tears, a feeling of pressure in my throat and a sense of release, as if my body was throwing off a heavy burden.

In those brief moments of release I made sure I paid attention to how the energy moved and how my body responded. The energy would rise from my core in waves, traveling up the sides of my body and converging in my throat where they would form a knot of energy. It seemed the only way to release the knot was to make noise – a sigh, a gasp, anything worked.

When the episodes passed I found myself longing for them to return. Not because I enjoyed the emotion but because I was fascinated by the process.

That same night I was asked by my guidance if perhaps it was time to “turn over a new leaf” and “start a new chapter” in my life. I am not exactly sure what this may be in reference to but message noted.


I recognized that the heart sensations I had been feeling were nothing unusual. I have felt them in the past. Heart chakra pressure and pulling indicating a blockage being released. I had felt them numerous times in the past. Yet for some odd reason this time around I associated the feeling with a physical body issue. Probably because the panic episode I had at the end of August felt so very much like I was dying.

I have been paying more attention to how the panic episodes make me feel. The feelings leading up to the attacks are generally a feeling of uneasiness, a kind of light-headedness, and then strange tingly feelings up and down my arms. Sometimes my head hurts and I feel tired or shaky, but this seems only to happen when my blood sugar is low. For example, the headache will come out of the blue accompanied by shakiness and if I don’t stop right then and eat something then I will end up with a pounding heart which causes the panic. Generally the panic attacks last no more than a 5 minutes unless low blood sugar is involved, then they can last much longer.

The full-blown panic attacks that make me feel like I am dying cause my heart to pound to the point of breathlessness and my chest to feel weird. The first one of those I had dates all the way back to 2003 (during meditation no less)! It makes me certain I will pass out and die. It is hard to shut down those kinds of thoughts but it is possible. Unfortunately, the whole experience leaves me exhausted and dreading it happening again.

I’ve had my most recent panic issues on and off for a while now (since 2016) – when running, when in public places, when drinking alcohol – but the panic attacks began to escalate after September last year. Since then I have been having more and more incidences of panic and they have been increasingly more alarming. My best guess is that a massive clearing began at some point last year and has been in process ever since. It feels like yet another layer of crap being released. I can only hope that what my guidance has been telling me – that it will be over soon – is true.


The Power of Thought

So yesterday I realized that I need to have better control over my thoughts. I had to run errands and drive to several place and was beginning to worry. That is when my guidance gave me a nudge, reminding me of what I have have long been aware of: My thoughts create my reality.

Yeah, yeah. You are thinking, “Duh! How could she forget?” I don’t think I have forgotten. I think I have been distracted and falling into old habits and patterns which is much easier to do than focus on controlling my thoughts.

Yesterday in the car I saw distinctly that I needed to just shut down my monkey mind. It isn’t that I have to constantly be observing my mind chatter, either. All I have to do is listen to my body. When I feel “off” – anxious, sick, uneasy, sweaty, uncomfortable, etc – I need to look to my thoughts. More than likely I will find that I am thinking something negative. If I turn off those thoughts and focus on something positive the discomfort or symptom(s) begins to fade.

I tried it in the car. My body was giving me the first signs of a panic attack – uneasiness, sweaty palms, irregular breathing, nervousness and various worry thoughts. I looked to my thoughts and shut down the negative ones and replaced them with how I wanted to feel and be in that moment. For example, rather than think, “Oh no, it is gonna happen again” I thought, “Everything is fine. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

All the symptoms vanished.

It was so obvious in that moment that I had been creating my reality. Why now, after over 4 decades of life, it is manifesting in physical body issues? Well, I have been warned for some time now that my manifestation abilities are heightened now so there is an acceleration in the results. So rather than the delay I am use to it is more immediate. This is good and bad. Good in that I can really get to work on shifting my life. Bad in that if I allow my monkey mind too much control I end up with very uncomfortable physical symptoms.

It goes back to the “other me” that I have been feeling and hearing in the background. She is fearful and has a kind of death wish thing going on. I have to help her and heal her but I also cannot give her so much power over my life. She is the wounded aspect of me. My inner child. The “walk-out” who just won’t let go. Maybe all three in one. She runs on auto-pilot, instinct and emotion.

And I wondered to myself how I could fall back into old patterns so easily? I saw instantly it was purposeful.


On August 22 I had an encounter with the biggest gecko I have ever seen around my house. He was a good 6 inches long and I have only ever seen small, 1-2 inch ones.

This morning on my way into the house I turned and saw another massive gecko near the front door. When he saw me he ran and hid. I turned and saw three babies on the door all much bigger than what I normally see.

I could not get a photo of the geckos this morning but I did get some of the first big one back in August. Here they are:

It was immediately obvious to me to pay attention to the message of the gecko.

The Gecko teaches us to do what we must in struggles, there may be opposing energies at play in our lives and you are reminded not to be passive. While the Gecko is naturally harmless, it is not afraid to bite if provoked. If you prevent opposition from occurring now, you will prevent it in the future. You may experience greater dream activity at this time and Gecko advises you to pay attention to what is revealed. It is a time to do what you must to restore order and bring an end to any conflicts. Gecko teaches the importance of righteous anger and reminds you to use it.

Interestingly enough, when I saw this morning’s gecko I was thinking about my dreams, dreams that points to upcoming change and difficulty.

Dream: Audit

I was in a big library talking to a woman about a credit card I had just gotten. She was warning me of the fine print, saying I should have read it because there was a clause that stated that after a certain amount of time the card company would audit (period of examination) me. I was pleased that I had paid off the card and not used it and thought this would save me from the possibility of an audit. The lady told me that it would happen anyway and to have all documentation ready.

I don’t remember much of the location where this happened except large books on book shelves. They looked old and like encyclopedias (knowledge, wisdom). The woman seemed to be a friend but I can’t remember what she looked like.

The dream shifts and I am on this steep, rocky road (life path) with the woman and another woman. The card company is coming to do the audit. I am walking down to meet them. I recall large, white boulders (obstacles, problems) in the road. It was very, very steep to the point that I had to look down as I walked to avoid tripping and injuring myself.

At one point there was a large aircraft. Maybe a plane (journey, transcendence), hard to remember. It came sliding down the steep driveway and scooped us up. I remember being inside it and knowing it was going way too fast so I ran up the tail end and jumped out the back which was open. I stood watching the others fly to the bottom of the road in the plane and make it down safely.

There is memory of four viles of blood (vitality, energy) that needed to be tested. This felt to be part of the audit but I am not sure how. I just remember seeing the viles.

Dream: Relocating to Montana

I arrived at a house located in the mountains of Montana (spiritual achievement). It was way high up in the mountains and there were no other people or houses to be seen for miles. All I could see were fields of sage and massive purple mountains all around me. The view was fantastic!

There was a discussion about the weather for the week. I remember hearing snow (frozen emotion) for three days followed by rain (achievement, success). I asked how it would make for traveling. Wouldn’t it really mess up the roads? I saw in my mind snow being melted by the rain and worried a bit about black ice, but I never saw any ice.

I went outside to enjoy the view while the sun was still shining. It was summer and the sky seemed never-ending. My thoughts were on how I needed to enjoy it while it lasted because summers were short and winters were brutal. Memories of when I lived in Montana came to mind. Memories of walking to school in winter and seeing the majestic mountains covered in snow with the sun just peaking over the top. It always took my breath away! It was also brutally cold and miserable. But those brief moments of purple mountains on calm, clear mornings made it all worthwhile.

I saw two cars parked nearby and decided to take photos of their license plates. I don’t know why I did this except that maybe I needed proof that I was really in Montana. What is odd is that the back plates were missing on both cars. So I went to the front (movement forward) and saw the plates. One had the letter “Q” so I went to the other one that had a more normal plate number.

I knelt down in the partially snow covered grass to take a picture. That is when I heard a car coming up the drive. I looked up and saw a white delivery truck. A man got out and came toward me with papers.

The man looked like an Alaska native, short with black hair and a fat, flat nose. He asked for me and I stood up, explaining why I had been on the ground. He handed me the papers and said that I was being served. He showed me the papers and said, “We will need new contact information for you. Your number is out of service.” I said, “Oh yes. I got a new phone number when I moved here.” Saying this made me feel proud and a little excited. The move felt permanent.

Papers in my hand, I looked at them and saw some very huge numbers – like $200K in money owed. I spoke with the man for a while about the papers and money saying that it was weird that the company said they would handle the blood tests (viles from previous dream) for a certain amount but when I decided to go another, less expensive route, they claim I owe them more.

It felt like I was being sued (justice) in the dream but I didn’t seem to care.


Overall the dream made me feel good, which is odd because I was being audited and then sued. The Montana dream felt to be the most important. The message I got from it was the enjoy the moment. It also hints of the calm before the storm, those moments when things are beautiful and calm and then the ones that are the opposite. I seem to understand that those small moments of clarity and beauty are to be cherished and I attempt to do just that in the dream. It was so beautiful and every time I return to Montana in my dreams I am blown away by the beauty and wish I could be there again. Then I remember the harsh winters and change my mind. It just doesn’t feel worth it.

Perhaps that is how I have been viewing life, too? There seem way more bad times than good. I struggle to enjoy the good times because I am always anticipating the bad ones.