My CBD Oil Experience and Dream: Haunted Mansion

It’s been a pretty calm week for which I am grateful. Though I have had some anxiety it has been mild in comparison to the previous month.

I successfully completed all my workouts for this week without any major issues. There was one time early in the week that I had to stop working out because of an elevated heart rate, though. I am pretty sure it was anxiety that triggered it but it continued to stay elevated longer than I would like. My solution was to try a couple of techniques I had read online – put face in ice water (lol) and pull knees into my chest. The ice water worked especially well but then who likes to put their face in ice water? lol The knees into chest works good, too, so I will likely be my go-to method in the future.

The rest of the week I had no problems with heart rate or anxiety.

CBD Oil

I have been researching the use of CBD oil for anxiety and sleep for while and finally bit the bullet and ordered some. I purchased a brand called Receptra Naturals. The one I decided on contains 1500mg of CBD oil per container. It arrived three days ago and I immediately took some before bed.IMG_5790.JPG

The first night I took approximately 1/3 of a dropper, about 15 mg CBD oil. The effects were mild – I felt calmer and more focused. As I relaxed into sleep my third-eye and crown chakras lit up nicely and my mind went very quiet. I fell asleep quite quickly.

I did not wake as often throughout the night as usual but when I did wake I felt weird. My mouth was very dry and I had this strange feeling in my head. I was too tired to care and easily returned to sleep. I ended up sleeping 10+ hours and it was very difficult to get out of bed. Once I got out of bed I had really great day. I even drove to work without any anxiety issues.

The next night I went ahead and took half a dropper – 22mg. It gave similar results – dry mouth, weird feeling in my head, drowsiness, longer sleep. When I woke up this time after another 10 hours of sleep, my stomach was giving me issues (aching, gas) and it took me a while to get moving.

I took a little less last night, back to the 1/3 dropper. The dry mouth was not an issue and the strange feeling in my head was gone. However, this morning I am struggling to get moving and it is already nearly noon! When I went for a walk I felt dizzy and had to cut it short (heart rate was lower than usual). Rather than my stomach hurting, this morning I have full blown diarrhea. 😦

It may not be the CBD oil causing the stomach issues, but it sure looks like the culprit from where I stand. Yes, I am sleeping really well with less interruptions. Yay! BUT if I am going to have intestinal issues and this weird drugged feeling for half the morning the entire time I use the stuff it may not be right for me.

I looked up side-effects of CBD oil and found: Side-effects are usually mild and include hypotension [low blood pressure], dry mouth, psychomotor slowing [slowed thoughts or movements], lightheadedness, and sedation.

It doesn’t include intestinal problems, so maybe that is unrelated?

Low blood pressure is likely the main cause for how I am feeling. I had it with pregnancy (like 90/50 low) and it made me feel exactly like I have been feeling in the mornings. I am so tired and low energy I just end up back in bed. I feel like a sloth in slow motion. LOL Since my blood pressure is already low from all the exercise I do, my walk this morning probably made it worse for a short time after. Ugh.

I can always take less oil, I suppose. Not sure if I will use it tonight or not. I really, really love the sleep it gives me!

Dream: Haunted Mansion

I am having some very interesting dreams, though, which I won’t complain about.

This dream began with me flying toward a large mansion (connection with others) that was known to be haunted (bad memories, unresolved issues). I had previously been chasing a small bird, a parakeet (desiring freedom) or similar, and somehow ended up outside looking at the mansion. It was locked and so I began to toss something toward it. I am not sure what it was but it cracked the windows above the entry. I flew inside.

Everything inside was grayish in color. I remember noting that it looked as if whoever had been there stopped in the middle of what they were doing and left in a hurry.

I went into a bedroom (private self) and noted how the beds were in the middle of being made. I looked through a tall dresser and saw women’s underwear (personal beliefs and sexuality). Some were very large and others much smaller. The large ones were so big I was amazed at their size. They also looked very dated. Typical “granny panties” but made of silk with lace trim. I remembering seeing a pair that was a size “S” and thinking, “These are more my size”.

I flew around the mansion exploring for a while. It was massive with such high ceilings that they seemed to go on forever. I opened a closet door and there was another smaller door inside. When I opened the smaller door I saw stairs leading down (subconscious, unknown) and thought, “I’m not going down there.”

At one point I walked out on this indoor balcony (seeing things from a distance) and encountered people but they were not solid and seemed to flicker in and out. I knew they were ghosts, probably those who once inhabited the mansion.

As I was preparing to leave the balcony it seemed to shift almost as if it were going to crumble. I turned around to go back the way I came and there was a man standing there. Somehow I knew he was the one in control there.

The dream gets hazy here but I remember this man commanded the others ghosts into a type of giant orgy but because they were ghosts it looked like they were all blending into each other until they became a giant blob of moving mist. I was told I could not leave until I had sex with this man. I remember being given a choice but it seemed like I had no choice.

Considerations

This is the second night in a row that I’ve had a strange sex-themed dream like this. The night before I was having an in-depth conversation with a man about sexual desire and how it is totally normal and very human to desire such things. Then I’m in a haunted house being told I have to have sex or else….but I can’t remember what the “else” was now. Just weird!

The feeling I had during the dream was mostly curiosity. I was happy and curious to explore this “haunted” but beautiful mansion that kind of reminded me of something from Scooby-doo from the outside. lol The ghosts didn’t scare me. In fact, I remember talking to them. The man intimidated me but also did not scare me. My memory of him is hazy, his face overcast with shadows but with enough light that it was as if from a scary movie.

 

 

Immersion

I’ve been taking it easy and giving myself time to recover, heal and relax. While the week started out high-anxiety, I am finishing it feeling much more like my old self – well actually better because my anxiety level is lower than prior to the major panic attack in August.

I stopped drinking my half-caffeine cup of coffee in the morning four days ago. I suffered a bad headache that was not relieve by Ibuprofin the first day (caffeine withdrawal). By the second day my headache was pretty much gone and yesterday it was non-existent. This morning I am happily drinking a cup of decaf.

I’ve also added yoga again to my nightly routine. I stopped temporarily and never got back into it because of everything that was going on. This time I am doing Clubbell Yoga again, without the clubbell for now. I also continued my walks with Monty and upped the pace yesterday with some short periods of jogging here and there without incident. All the while I am tracking my heart rate to make sure it is recovering properly. At first my heart rate was spiking and then taking much too long to recover but it has been improving. I’m not where I was previously just yet but I think as I get a handle on my anxiety that it will get back to normal.

Yesterday I took some time to treat myself to a haircut and another visit to the nail salon. Getting out the door of my house was a bit nerve wrecking because I had thoughts of being hit with panic while driving and being away from home. The farther I drove from home the higher my anxiety went but I got a grip on it and by the time I walked into the hair salon all anxiety had vanished. My main thoughts were, “If I don’t drive, I never will. If I don’t go out on my own, I never will. If I give into the anxiety, it wins.” For me, the worst possible outcome of this anxiety lesson is the potential for me to withdraw further and further into myself and become completely disable by it.

With my background in counseling and personal experiences with anxiety, I am definitely a proponent of immersion therapy – confront it (fear, anxiety, panic) and it will lessen and eventually go away or become manageable. It works every time. If I know the anxiety is triggered by exercise then I keep exercising. If it is triggered by driving, then I keep driving. Yeah, that’s why I keep running and lifting weights, in case you were saying to yourself, “What the hell is she thinking!?” lol

Sometimes the only way I can confront the fear and panic is to get to the point where I can accept the worst case scenario. My inner dialogue is something like this, “If I have a panic attack in the store and end up collapsing, so be it. If I am driving and it happens and it feels like I am going to pass out, I will just pull over. If I end up in hysterics around random strangers, so what?” For me, the fear of being vulnerable and weak and out of control are the worst. I have to accept that asking for help is OK and there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable and/or weak.

The more conscious I am of my anxiety, the more I aware I am becoming of just how tense I am. My anxiety level is almost always at a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. The only time it is lower is if I am at home (or in a “safe” place) doing relaxing things like taking a bath, watching TV, mediating or….sleeping. lol Recently, I recognized that I tend to relax at the hair and nail salon, thus the frequent trip to get manicures (not my thing usually). When I get my nails done I get so relaxed that I start to get sleepy or I get this release response where I just want to cry in relief. Weird because the nail salon is usually very busy but they play calming music and there is something very calming about Asian women I think, too.

Overall, it feels like this sudden spurt of anxiety is a blessing in disguise. It is teaching me to pay attention to my body and to take care of my emotional and spiritual health by doing things that are relaxing and soothing. It is showing me my irrational side, the fearful inner child aspect, and just how important it is to her/me to feel safe and loved. I have become more cognizant of my thoughts and self-dialogue, especially those that can act to trigger panic. Instead of shutting the thoughts down I respond to them with love and acceptance, reminding myself that life is unpredictable and bad things will happen, but so will good things, and if I/we worry all the time about the bad things then we will miss the good ones. And I find myself living more in the present, which I think is the biggest help of all.

The more clear I get on this whole panic/anxiety crap, the more obvious it is to me that this is a MAJOR clearing, initiated by the Kundalini. She can be so brutal!! Resolution will only come with surrender and acceptance. I have to allow it to happen, even if it feels like it is going to kill me (which it literally does!).

Dream: Matchmaker

Shifting to another topic now. 🙂 I have to include this odd dream.

The dream began at a gathering. My husband was with me. There was a lady leading a group of people and assigning each person to another. It was soon obvious that it was a kind of matchmaking (choice to be made) group.

I was matched with this foreign (new, unfamiliar situation) man with dark hair and an accent. There I was standing with my husband looking at this man I was assigned to and thinking how weird it was. I balked, of course, and my husband began to nag me about it, insisting that I go along with the process.

The man and I spoke for a while. For some odd reason I presented him with a present. A small orange tree (good news). I asked him if it would do well in the area he lived. In my mind I saw Italy (romance, enjoyment of life). He assured me that it would do well, even thrive, and took my gift without hesitation. We talked a bit about the climate and I recall seeing a scene in my mind of where he was from. Then it was time to go and he left. I was given a slip of paper with instructions. The lady facilitator told me, “If you like him then you log into this forum at 11pm and continue to get to know each other. If not, then don’t.”

I put away the slip of paper. I did not intend to log in.

Then I was inside a Wal-Mart (a bargain) but sitting at a table as if in a restaurant. Three people came to join me. A couple and the man who I had just been assigned to previously. I felt very uncomfortable through the whole encounter. I remember being asked if I had to choose between two men, who would I choose. I told them the darker haired man would be my choice. There was a strange feeling present that is barely memorable now and hard to describe. It is kinda like a nervous apprehension.

We all left together and I lagged behind the group until I could no longer see them ahead of me. I walked and walked and ended up in an unfamiliar place. I realized I had kept walking when my car was parked right outside the Wal-Mart. I decided to look up the address on my phone, found the location and then started walking back. I knew to walk toward a large cathedral (spirituality), so I did.

As I walked I realized I had left my backpack (decisions and responsibilities that hinder me)behind. I worried at first but then realized I had everything I needed with me. Then I saw that I was only wearing my underwear (private self). I looked around and no one seemed to notice and I thought, “It must look like I am wearing a bathing suit (confronting uncertainty).”

 

 

 

OBE: Bear

Yesterday was another rough day anxiety-wise. I felt pretty decent most of the morning. After my morning walk and a nice, high carb lunch, I decided to do my workout. Half-way through I began to feel panicky and had to stop. My heart rate stayed high but not too high and I just felt “off”. It is like my entire stomach fills with this dis-ease and that feeling moves to my chest where it feels like it begins to catch fire, but only barely, a subtle pressure in the center of my chest.

I ended up calling my husband and he came home for lunch and helped me calm down but I remained in a low-grade panicked state for several hours after that (like right on the edge and barely holding myself together). It wasn’t until around 8pm after a nice talk with a female acquaintance that I finally began to feel normal again.

By bedtime I was exhausted but I continued to feel a little too energetic so it took me a while to fall asleep. I ended up having an interesting night.

Dream – Too Old for School

Had a dream where I was getting ready to go to school with my kids but we were in my Mom’s house. I  spent a long time trying to find the right clothes (how others perceive me, outward appearance/personality). I could not find anything with short sleeves. Some of the clothing was quite dated, too.

I remember the closet was a mess with my son’s clothes strewn about mixed in with my daughter’s clothes. I eventually selected an outfit with jeans and a very fancy top, high heels and over sized glasses (not at all my style lol). When I came out my mom said I was a bit too dressed up and looked like a teacher. I saw myself then, as if I flew outside of myself to take a look. I had small lines around my eyes and mouth and looked old and tired. That’s when I realized I was too old to go to school. So I stayed and put on another outfit. This one looked like a balloon skirt and was bright aqua-blue. It made me look quite obese.

Other Experiences

In the midst of a dream I can’t recall now, I found myself enveloped in a golden light laying on my side. I remember being separated into four sections. I continued to feel whole but there were four parts of me lined up and separated. The feeling I had was pure relaxation and peace. It was like tiny sprinkles of golden energy were falling down over me. When I realized where I was a male voice said, “Don’t worry” but it was too late. I was too alert and woke up.

Another time when I woke it was from a sharp pain in my chest. It was very short-lived but enough to wake me and worry me.

OBE – Bear

I rolled over and entered a semi-lucid dream where I was sitting on a sofa and kept sneezing (getting rid of unwanted things in my life). My SIL was standing near me and asked me how long I had been sick. I told her I wasn’t sick. It was just allergies. She asked how long it had been going on and I told her since the end of August. I remember sneezing a lot and she just sat there wiping her face as if I was sneezing directly on her but I was nowhere near her.

Then I was talking to my husband. He was behind a window (new perspective) with his arms folded over it. He said his brother thought I had been trying to hack into his computer. I told him I hadn’t.

Then I was walking to his brother’s house. I walked down a sidewalk and saw a blue cell phone (communication) on the ground along with some other things. I remember thinking my BILs kids must have left it there. I almost picked it up but then opted to just leave it knowing they would come out and get it.

As I was walking I felt light and floaty. I suspected I was OOB so began to test it out by jumping into the air and trying to fly. When I didn’t hit the ground fast but instead floated a bit I launched into the air. My vision went black but I didn’t care. I stayed up in the air, happy and feeling free. Even though I knew I was OOB I had a distinctly distant feeling from the whole experience and I was able to perceive my sleeping body the entire time.

I began to spin really fast, imagining the Earth spinning on its axis. I began see bits and pieces of color as I spun. Then the whole scene lit up and I saw ahead of me a red brick building. To my right was bright green grass and a sidewalk with tall hedges. I floated up and moved over the building, enjoying the feeling of flying. There was a brief concern about my sleeping body. Would it cause my heart rate to increase? Would it be harmful? But the thought passed as quickly as it came.

When I looked down I noticed a big, black bear (strength, power, independence) nudging its way into the door of the house/apt. I yelled at him, “Hey! What do you think you are doing? You can’t go in there!” I flew over and above the bear’s head. He stopped and looked up. I lightly touched the tip of his nose, laughed and launched myself higher into the air. He followed me from below, curious, and I kept just out of his reach. The whole time I was talking to him but can’t recall my words now.

I came back into my body and my heart was pounding.

More Anxiety

My heart rate remained elevated long enough to bother me so that eventually I got out of bed. I felt the weird anxious feeling most of the day today on and off. I opted to go into the office rather than stay home because I wanted to stay close to my husband and others just in case I started to feel overwhelmed again. Thankfully, I felt pretty good at the office. Only problem was I got a splitting headache (still have it) from not drinking any coffee this morning. 😦

I had my husband drop me home after lunch so I could be home when the kids got home from school. My headache got really bad and so I got into bed to rest. I ended up taking an hour long nap! Not like me! I feel somewhat better now but the headache is still there. Oh well.

It is funny to me how wonderful I feel when the anxiety dissipates. I suddenly feel a burst of energy and relief, as if I am freed from chains. When the anxiety is high I feel trapped by it, unable to go places or do things I would normally do for fear that I will freak out, pass out or burst into tears. Where I am normally a person who likes my alone time, when my anxiety is high I actively seek out others, especially my family. My husband has been very patient and sympathetic, coming whenever I call, driving me places and trying to distract me.

The anxiety makes me feel like a scared little girl and the entire world is suddenly full of things that could hurt me. It is so weird! I have to really work hard not to get caught up in “what if” thoughts – what if the panic never goes away? What if I can’t drive anymore? What if I can’t function anymore? Then it just vanishes and I am free and feeling I can do anything and everything again. And then the switch flips and it starts all over again.

I hope my dreams are indicative of how this all will end – that it will end. To anyone who suffers from generalized anxiety disorder, I FEEL YA!

 

Dream: Snow in the Summer

Some dream experiences to share.

False Awakening

I woke at 5am to a noise. I went to explore what it was and saw my husband up working on our downstairs bathroom remodel which we started over the weekend. Relieved, I returned to bed.

The next thing I remember is hearing the show Good Morning America playing loudly. It was the start of the show where they were giving the date and time. All I can recall was that they said it was close to 9am. My thoughts were on the time it had been when I got back into bed. Surely it was not already 9!

I got out of bed feeling very drowsy, stood near the end of the bed and looked back at the  clock on the nightstand. It did not say 9am. It was closer to 5:30.

Now unconcerned about the time, I went over to the window to look outside. To my surprise, the window was covered in black worms with rounded heads that resembled those of a beetle. Fascinated, I watched them crawling around on the glass. They appeared to be mating but rather than connect via the abdomen they were connecting at the head. I spoke to the worm things and then to myself. I remember asking my physical body why it was not working properly and requesting that it feel.

With this request energy began rising very physically through my body. All the while I am focusing on these black worm things that were rapidly squirming about mating with each other’s heads. lol

I woke suddenly, a bit disoriented because I didn’t realize I had been asleep. I must have been OOB but not lucid enough to catch on. I mentally kicked myself for not taking advantage of it.

Dream: Snow in the Summer

I was with my family in a house. We were getting ready to go to a gathering in town. I knew we had moved to Montana. It was summer.

When we went outside we were surprised to find it had snowed. About two feet of pure, white snow covered everything. It was unusual because it was still summer.

We got into our minivan and drove on roads covered in the snow. I was a bit worried because the car swerved a bit, but all was fine.

When we got to our destination it was full of people who were part of a church. They greeted us and talked to us about our move and how we were liking things.

As we mingled the weather shifted and a light rain began to fall over the top of the snow. I remember thinking it was good because it would help clear the snow off the roads.

Interpretation

The false awakening seems to have been about me trying to get a handle on my body. The radio playing was the first clue that I was OOB because it is typical of “noises off” one hears as they are primed for exiting the body. I also find it interesting that it was saying “good morning”. 🙂 The worms could represent the Kundalini. Their strange mating behaviors could be symbolic of a shift in perspective. The window they were are in a “window” to that perspective. The energy then rises and wakes me and only then did I realize I had been dreaming and OOB. This is very unusual for me because I am pretty sensitive to shifts during dream time, especially those indicating I am OOB. My best guess is I was just too tired. My body needed the rest.

The second dream about moving to Montana is the second of its kind in a month (maybe less). Montana means “Mountains” and mountains are representative of the journey. I always see it as a spiritual journey but it can be any journey, really.

Snow in summer is a bit harder to interpret. Snow in the condition this snow was – white, fluffy, new – is about healing, finding deep, emotional peace and psychological clearing. So good sign! Summer is the season of rest, relaxation and enjoyment. It can also represent mid-life. The light rain likely symbolizes clearing as it was gentle and non-disruptive. In the dream I remember thinking it would help clear the roads, which I think perfectly describes the symbolism.

 

Full Moon Skunk Encounter

I’ve been meaning to write but just haven’t followed through. I was waiting for something to shift, for my monkey mind to quiet down a bit more and for my body to feel less “off”. Yesterday all these things were beginning to line up and this morning it seems to be holding steady…..so far anyway.

Full Moon Skunk Encounter

But before I get ahead of myself, let’s go back to the 12th. I took Monty on a walk in the evening, just as the sun was setting. I saw the full moon in the distance so walked into an open field to get a better look. I stopped and marveled at its beauty, took a couple of photos and turned around to leave. That’s when I saw it. A skunk, walking toward me, nose down and completely unaware of me and my dog. Shocked, I stood and watched, knowing this was a message and to pay attention. The skunk lumbered toward me and Monty, happily feasting on grubs and oblivious to our presence. I took some photos and stuck around a while because I have never been that close to a skunk. I’ve seen them from my car but never without something between me and the skunk.

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Photo of skunk in low light so quite blurry but you get the idea. 😉 

The full moon itself marks the peak of a cycle. It brings illumination and clarity. It heightens awareness and intensifies dream activity. It brings insight into past patterns and assist us in using that knowledge to better prepare for the future.

The skunk’s main message is “do no harm”. It reminds us that there are times when we must defend ourselves, yes, but to remember to do so in a way that does not hurt or damage others.

In times where threats are not imminent, the skunk reminds us to be patient, prudent and silent. Like Mr. Skunk showed me in that field, sometimes it is best to mind our own business, to be self-assured and confident in our own path while allowing others to follow theirs. Mr. Skunk may have known all along that me and Monty were there observing him but he went his merry way to the point of coming directly toward us, tail in the air as if to say, “I see you but I am not afraid.”

Overall, seeing Mr. Skunk brought me great joy and I carried that with me all the way home, sharing the pictures and video with my family. My children were especially fascinated because to them a skunk was just an unpleasant smell. Now they know they are quite cute and almost….cuddly. lol

More Panic

Friday and Saturday brought more uneasiness and anxiety, unfortunately. I just felt overly aware of everything that was going on with my body. My heart space felt odd and that would lead to my focusing on the feeling and it increasing to the point that I would become nervous about it. My heart rate would increase and an overall ill feeling would come over me.

Saturday I asked my husband to go on a walk with me because the feeling was making it very hard for me to function. Thankfully the walk seemed to tone it down and all odd heart sensations vanished. They returned the end of the day on yet another walk but I was able to manage it, but I felt like a failure since I know it is my thoughts that is fueling the incidences.

Sunday I woke feeling much better. So much so that I opted to do a workout and see if I could avoid another exercise induced panic attack. I started with a walk. Sadly, the panic began to set in but this time I opted to sing a song to myself as a distraction. I chose a song my grandmother use to sing on her many walks – One Day at a Time. As soon as I started to sing a huge bubble of emotion formed in my chest and went up into my throat. I began to cry and the pressure in my throat released. I continued to sing, allowing the emotion to flow and suddenly it felt as if I were floating rather than walking down the sidewalk. I had the strangest sense that I was OOB and the world around me a dream.

I made it home and took a short break before continuing with my weight lifting routine, one I hadn’t done in over a week. The first part was rough, though, because every time my heart rate went up I began to panic a little. I kept having to talk myself down and take breaks. Eventually, though, something clicked. I remember the song One Day at a Time and the strange release I had during my walk. I went down stairs briefly and when I returned it was like I did a 180. I felt revived with zero fear and completed my workout with gusto. When it was all over I felt wonderful, as if I had slayed the anxiety dragon.

This morning it was so nice outside that I decided to do a short run-walk interval (about 20 minutes). I stayed close to the house and did the intervals without ending up in panic mode. However, when I checked my heart rate later when reviewing my run it had gotten pretty high toward the end, much higher than it should have been. Just seeing that my heart rate went so high with so little exertion worried me and so then I had to work through some rising pangs of panic. Thankfully nothing major. Obviously I have some issues relating to fear of death coming up that need to be sorted. The last thing I want to do is avoid future issues by completely ceasing all exercise. I just have to take it a bit slower and easier than I am use to and be kind and loving to myself.

Messages

Interestingly, my dreams over the weekend indicated some deep healing work was taking place, specifically on my heart. My guidance indicated that the work was nearly complete and to allow and thoroughly feel the emotions that were being released. There was incidences prior to sleep where I tuned into my heart space and got brief glimpses into the blockage there. When the emotion came up, it came up in spurts that lasted only moments. With each rise of emotion came tears, a feeling of pressure in my throat and a sense of release, as if my body was throwing off a heavy burden.

In those brief moments of release I made sure I paid attention to how the energy moved and how my body responded. The energy would rise from my core in waves, traveling up the sides of my body and converging in my throat where they would form a knot of energy. It seemed the only way to release the knot was to make noise – a sigh, a gasp, anything worked.

When the episodes passed I found myself longing for them to return. Not because I enjoyed the emotion but because I was fascinated by the process.

That same night I was asked by my guidance if perhaps it was time to “turn over a new leaf” and “start a new chapter” in my life. I am not exactly sure what this may be in reference to but message noted.

Realization

I recognized that the heart sensations I had been feeling were nothing unusual. I have felt them in the past. Heart chakra pressure and pulling indicating a blockage being released. I had felt them numerous times in the past. Yet for some odd reason this time around I associated the feeling with a physical body issue. Probably because the panic episode I had at the end of August felt so very much like I was dying.

I have been paying more attention to how the panic episodes make me feel. The feelings leading up to the attacks are generally a feeling of uneasiness, a kind of light-headedness, and then strange tingly feelings up and down my arms. Sometimes my head hurts and I feel tired or shaky, but this seems only to happen when my blood sugar is low. For example, the headache will come out of the blue accompanied by shakiness and if I don’t stop right then and eat something then I will end up with a pounding heart which causes the panic. Generally the panic attacks last no more than a 5 minutes unless low blood sugar is involved, then they can last much longer.

The full-blown panic attacks that make me feel like I am dying cause my heart to pound to the point of breathlessness and my chest to feel weird. The first one of those I had dates all the way back to 2003 (during meditation no less)! It makes me certain I will pass out and die. It is hard to shut down those kinds of thoughts but it is possible. Unfortunately, the whole experience leaves me exhausted and dreading it happening again.

I’ve had my most recent panic issues on and off for a while now (since 2016) – when running, when in public places, when drinking alcohol – but the panic attacks began to escalate after September last year. Since then I have been having more and more incidences of panic and they have been increasingly more alarming. My best guess is that a massive clearing began at some point last year and has been in process ever since. It feels like yet another layer of crap being released. I can only hope that what my guidance has been telling me – that it will be over soon – is true.

 

The Power of Thought

So yesterday I realized that I need to have better control over my thoughts. I had to run errands and drive to several place and was beginning to worry. That is when my guidance gave me a nudge, reminding me of what I have have long been aware of: My thoughts create my reality.

Yeah, yeah. You are thinking, “Duh! How could she forget?” I don’t think I have forgotten. I think I have been distracted and falling into old habits and patterns which is much easier to do than focus on controlling my thoughts.

Yesterday in the car I saw distinctly that I needed to just shut down my monkey mind. It isn’t that I have to constantly be observing my mind chatter, either. All I have to do is listen to my body. When I feel “off” – anxious, sick, uneasy, sweaty, uncomfortable, etc – I need to look to my thoughts. More than likely I will find that I am thinking something negative. If I turn off those thoughts and focus on something positive the discomfort or symptom(s) begins to fade.

I tried it in the car. My body was giving me the first signs of a panic attack – uneasiness, sweaty palms, irregular breathing, nervousness and various worry thoughts. I looked to my thoughts and shut down the negative ones and replaced them with how I wanted to feel and be in that moment. For example, rather than think, “Oh no, it is gonna happen again” I thought, “Everything is fine. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

All the symptoms vanished.

It was so obvious in that moment that I had been creating my reality. Why now, after over 4 decades of life, it is manifesting in physical body issues? Well, I have been warned for some time now that my manifestation abilities are heightened now so there is an acceleration in the results. So rather than the delay I am use to it is more immediate. This is good and bad. Good in that I can really get to work on shifting my life. Bad in that if I allow my monkey mind too much control I end up with very uncomfortable physical symptoms.

It goes back to the “other me” that I have been feeling and hearing in the background. She is fearful and has a kind of death wish thing going on. I have to help her and heal her but I also cannot give her so much power over my life. She is the wounded aspect of me. My inner child. The “walk-out” who just won’t let go. Maybe all three in one. She runs on auto-pilot, instinct and emotion.

And I wondered to myself how I could fall back into old patterns so easily? I saw instantly it was purposeful.

Gecko

On August 22 I had an encounter with the biggest gecko I have ever seen around my house. He was a good 6 inches long and I have only ever seen small, 1-2 inch ones.

This morning on my way into the house I turned and saw another massive gecko near the front door. When he saw me he ran and hid. I turned and saw three babies on the door all much bigger than what I normally see.

I could not get a photo of the geckos this morning but I did get some of the first big one back in August. Here they are:

It was immediately obvious to me to pay attention to the message of the gecko.

The Gecko teaches us to do what we must in struggles, there may be opposing energies at play in our lives and you are reminded not to be passive. While the Gecko is naturally harmless, it is not afraid to bite if provoked. If you prevent opposition from occurring now, you will prevent it in the future. You may experience greater dream activity at this time and Gecko advises you to pay attention to what is revealed. It is a time to do what you must to restore order and bring an end to any conflicts. Gecko teaches the importance of righteous anger and reminds you to use it.

Interestingly enough, when I saw this morning’s gecko I was thinking about my dreams, dreams that points to upcoming change and difficulty.

Dream: Audit

I was in a big library talking to a woman about a credit card I had just gotten. She was warning me of the fine print, saying I should have read it because there was a clause that stated that after a certain amount of time the card company would audit (period of examination) me. I was pleased that I had paid off the card and not used it and thought this would save me from the possibility of an audit. The lady told me that it would happen anyway and to have all documentation ready.

I don’t remember much of the location where this happened except large books on book shelves. They looked old and like encyclopedias (knowledge, wisdom). The woman seemed to be a friend but I can’t remember what she looked like.

The dream shifts and I am on this steep, rocky road (life path) with the woman and another woman. The card company is coming to do the audit. I am walking down to meet them. I recall large, white boulders (obstacles, problems) in the road. It was very, very steep to the point that I had to look down as I walked to avoid tripping and injuring myself.

At one point there was a large aircraft. Maybe a plane (journey, transcendence), hard to remember. It came sliding down the steep driveway and scooped us up. I remember being inside it and knowing it was going way too fast so I ran up the tail end and jumped out the back which was open. I stood watching the others fly to the bottom of the road in the plane and make it down safely.

There is memory of four viles of blood (vitality, energy) that needed to be tested. This felt to be part of the audit but I am not sure how. I just remember seeing the viles.

Dream: Relocating to Montana

I arrived at a house located in the mountains of Montana (spiritual achievement). It was way high up in the mountains and there were no other people or houses to be seen for miles. All I could see were fields of sage and massive purple mountains all around me. The view was fantastic!

There was a discussion about the weather for the week. I remember hearing snow (frozen emotion) for three days followed by rain (achievement, success). I asked how it would make for traveling. Wouldn’t it really mess up the roads? I saw in my mind snow being melted by the rain and worried a bit about black ice, but I never saw any ice.

I went outside to enjoy the view while the sun was still shining. It was summer and the sky seemed never-ending. My thoughts were on how I needed to enjoy it while it lasted because summers were short and winters were brutal. Memories of when I lived in Montana came to mind. Memories of walking to school in winter and seeing the majestic mountains covered in snow with the sun just peaking over the top. It always took my breath away! It was also brutally cold and miserable. But those brief moments of purple mountains on calm, clear mornings made it all worthwhile.

I saw two cars parked nearby and decided to take photos of their license plates. I don’t know why I did this except that maybe I needed proof that I was really in Montana. What is odd is that the back plates were missing on both cars. So I went to the front (movement forward) and saw the plates. One had the letter “Q” so I went to the other one that had a more normal plate number.

I knelt down in the partially snow covered grass to take a picture. That is when I heard a car coming up the drive. I looked up and saw a white delivery truck. A man got out and came toward me with papers.

The man looked like an Alaska native, short with black hair and a fat, flat nose. He asked for me and I stood up, explaining why I had been on the ground. He handed me the papers and said that I was being served. He showed me the papers and said, “We will need new contact information for you. Your number is out of service.” I said, “Oh yes. I got a new phone number when I moved here.” Saying this made me feel proud and a little excited. The move felt permanent.

Papers in my hand, I looked at them and saw some very huge numbers – like $200K in money owed. I spoke with the man for a while about the papers and money saying that it was weird that the company said they would handle the blood tests (viles from previous dream) for a certain amount but when I decided to go another, less expensive route, they claim I owe them more.

It felt like I was being sued (justice) in the dream but I didn’t seem to care.

Considerations

Overall the dream made me feel good, which is odd because I was being audited and then sued. The Montana dream felt to be the most important. The message I got from it was the enjoy the moment. It also hints of the calm before the storm, those moments when things are beautiful and calm and then the ones that are the opposite. I seem to understand that those small moments of clarity and beauty are to be cherished and I attempt to do just that in the dream. It was so beautiful and every time I return to Montana in my dreams I am blown away by the beauty and wish I could be there again. Then I remember the harsh winters and change my mind. It just doesn’t feel worth it.

Perhaps that is how I have been viewing life, too? There seem way more bad times than good. I struggle to enjoy the good times because I am always anticipating the bad ones.

Dream: Another Contract?

I had a nice, calm, low stress day yesterday working from home. No kids, no noise, no upsets and plenty of time to rest and recover from last weekend’s stress. This morning I awoke at 6am wide awake. No dopey, drugged feeling at all. 🙂

Monty is doing so much better, which is a huge relief! He is acting like his old self and we went for a short walk last night, away from houses and potential loose dog threats, without any issues. I think he would have run had I let him but the vet said to keep him calm while he recovers. Though he has pain meds I am not giving them to him today. He doesn’t need them so why give unnecessary medication? The only pain he seems to have is bruising around the puncture wounds. If they get bumped he will whine and flinch in pain. I can only imagine how sensitive the area is. I got one small wound between my fingers when the attack occurred and it is really sore so if it is like that then it must really hurt when touched.

Dream: Another Contract?

The dream began inside a room. It was like a bedroom but way larger. I was watching over this pregnant woman (potential for growth) who was laying in bed. She was in early labor. All I recall of her is her large belly covered in a baby blue night gown.

I recall attempting to sit at a desk (work decisions) and the middle falling out. My thoughts were that my husband was suppose to fix it. I was somewhat annoyed but accepting at the same time. It was not unlike him to leave things incomplete.

I decided to tidy up and picked up some sleeping bags (have to leave my comfort zone) from off the floor, folded them and placed them under the bed the broken desk was up against. I recall the sleeping bags were brightly colored. One was bright pink.

The next thing I recall is hearing lots of commotion. I said something to someone about it and went to investigate. I ended up inside a large temple (place of contemplation and peace) with vaulted ceilings. A crowd of people were standing around the pulpit. Their hands were in the air and they moved as one. It reminded me of Tai Chi except they were breathing loudly and making loud noises. When I think of it now I am reminded of the OA and their movements and noises.

I said something like, “Why not?” and joined in, moving my body like they were, but I didn’t do this for long. Most of the crowd departed through double doors on the right. A few lingered and so did I. I remember talking to someone about the religion, which felt quite Muslim-like, saying, “This isn’t too bad.”

I turned around and see a very large lake (emotion, subconscious) where the floor of the temple once was. It was huge, rectangular shaped and very obviously man-made. Strangely, there was this mannequin-like man (blocked in life, unable to move) who was walking (moving through a blockage in life) around in a daze. I say mannequin-like because he was naked but had no sexual organs or body hair and his skin shimmered as if made of plastic. He moved stiffly as someone told him to jump into the lake. When I looked at the lake it was bone dry with thick, insulated wires stretching across it. When the mannequin jumped in the water returned and he was fished out with some of the wires.

What was curious about the lake was that it was only about two feet deep. I knew it filled up and emptied frequently based upon what the people in the temple were doing.

I sat seeming to wait for something and watching people mull about. The energy of the room was busy but I don’t remember seeing very many people.

Then some mail (message being received) was thrown in my lap and heard, “These are for you”. One piece was a small package. The others were regular white envelopes. Receiving the mail surprised me and I turned to see who was delivering them. I saw a man with dark brown hair and a full beard. He was familiar.

The man stayed with me and helped me fill out a form. I don’t remember what the form was all about but I recall that I had to initial many lines in a row. He was instructing me on how to do this, saying that two particular areas had to be done different. He picked up some scraps of paper and told me I had to cut and paste my initials. I thought this was odd and asked, “Where do I get glue?” Turns out the paper was sticky (something will “stick”) notes. I had to peel several layers off though and worried briefly it would not work, but it did.

I signed my initials onto the sticky paper and then stuck it to the large paper. I then saw many rows of blanks that I initialed. When I looked closer my initials shifted to the word “YES”. I saw at least six yes’s for six columns.

The whole time I was initialing I was looking at this man who was helping me. He had strange, gray scabs all up and down the right side of his body. I could see them peaking through his hair and beard. I wondered if he was okay. Did he have psoriasis? Eczema? Yet at the same time I felt attracted to this man and was curious about him. He seemed very kind and thoughtful. I knew he was a good man.

Then a small boy, a toddler, walked up to the man. I knew the toddler was the man’s child but wondered how he had a child at his age (he seemed to be 50+ years old at least). Somehow I knew he had an ex and the child was the result of their short-lived relationship. Part of me was disappointed when I saw the child but that didn’t last because the man made it very clear he was not in a relationship with the child’s mother.

I saw the man had a reddish rash on his leg around this time and I knew he had wounds. For some reason this translated in my dream mind as spiritual wounds and I had great interest in helping him.

Considerations

When I woke I recalled having a dream with this man in it not long ago. Was this the same man? Was I signing a contract with him? It sure seemed like it in the dream. My first thought was, “Uh oh.” It’s not the first time I’ve signed a contract in my dreams.

I meet so many people in my dreams and have all kinds of experiences so I can’t say that this dream is special or significant. My theory is that dreams are a reflection of our lives and other lives/bodies/experiences. We can get glimpses of what is going on behind-the-scenes if we know what to look for. I don’t believe in fate or destiny. I think we create our lives as we live them. Therefore, our dreams can show us the plans we are making for this life – and other lives we are living simultaneously.

So it is possible that someone is attempting to help me and that I am agreeing to that help. It could be assistance on a purely spiritual level or it could involve the physical as well. It is hard to say until it actually manifests. I will say I felt more optimistic when I awoke. I will take whatever help I can get.

 

 

Ghost

It has been a rough week or so for me. One of those weeks when everything seems to snowball. Maybe the energy was primed for such a week. Who knows. All I know is that I am glad for it to be (seemingly) over.

First off, I’ve been extremely fatigued. I am still not sure if it is a lingering mystery illness, stress, hormones, or some vitamin deficiency. The heart racing episode I had over a week ago seems to have been the starting point (you can read about it here). Mornings tend to be the worst but are gradually getting better. The drugged feeling was similar to how I felt after my c-section surgery in 2014. Back then it was anemia that was the culprit. The tiredness got so severe that I felt like I did when I went to Hawaii earlier this year – like really bad jet lag.

My response to the fatigue has been to take a week off from working out and just listen to my body. I also started taking B vitamins and iron supplements just in case I am slightly anemic.

I’ve also been extremely depressed, emotional, and full of anxiety and worry. When I tune into the anxiety I usually end up crying. There is pit of emotion that seems to be the source of the anxiety along with that empty feeling I’ve had all my life. The emptiness seems to have no end. I think I have been descending into it slowly for a while now.

With all my own personal stuff, there has been chaos in the physical. First, my youngest had a mysterious illness that lasted almost a week. He got a bad headache and fever as well as fatigue to the point that he would sleep most of the day. He would cry about the headache, I would give him medicine, he would sleep and then the cycle would repeat. It scared me that it lasted so long and I was a bundle of worry the whole time. Eventually, his fever broke and then he had diarrhea for a little while.

Of course, my husband was out of town the entire time my son was sick. 😦

To top it all off, Saturday my dog Monty was brutally attacked by a Boxer mix on our morning walk. The dog got out of the house by mistake, saw Monty, and went immediately into kill mode. He latched onto the top of Monty’s neck and would not let go. The owners were there but could not get their dog to release Monty. They were yelling and screaming, hands on their dog’s head and in his mouth as I watched helpless and Monty yelped and tried unsuccessfully to get to his attacker. Eventually, about 3 minutes later and after the owner asked an onlooker to get a garden hose, the dog released Monty.

One of the owners asked me to take her name and number. I happened to have my phone with me. I never bring it but did that morning. She typed in her info, hands shaking and covered in blood. I walked Monty home and then called my husband for help. He was working and could not come help me and I began to cry from the overwhelm. He called the owner and got her to come over and drive me and Monty to an emergency vet. She stayed with me for three hours and paid the bill when we left.

Monty had several puncture wounds in his neck but was otherwise okay. He came home with pain meds and antibiotics. Today. two days later, he is doing much better, but the day after he barely moved and had me quite worried.

No photo description available.

Monty at the vet after they shaved him and treated his wounds.

 

Yesterday, hit with morning fatigue and feeling weak, I ended up in panic mode having to talk myself through a sense of impending doom. Thankfully it worked and by late afternoon, after a trip for a manicure-pedicure and some me-time, I felt much better.

On the drive home, after seeing an unexpected rainbow on a sunny day, the memory of the heart bliss came to me. As I began to accept the amazing feeling, it felt to be a message of hope. The feeling and memory returned later that evening. Rather than the feeling coming from just one guide it felt to be coming from many. Once acknowledged the feeling faded but it helped and that is what matters most.

Dream – Plane Tickets

Sleep came easily and my dreams were memorable.

In this dream, I was told that my youngest was selected for an all-expenses paid trip to what looked in my mind like Africa (going home or to your “roots”) but it was an island. This was the location of First Contact and the entire nation was focused on the event. My son could be accompanied by two adults and for some odd reason I gave the tickets to my BIL and SIL. It was only later that I discovered the trip would last two months and I regretted giving away my ticket then. I remember saying, “No one told me he would be gone that long!”

At one point I was able to convince the government to give me and my husband tickets as well. There was an entire portion of the dream where I received an email with passport number and clearance. Then, I recall getting to the plane (moving into different state of being) right as it was about to take off. The plane was one of those huge ones with a big door on the back. The door was closed and they were not going to let us on but at the last minute they did. Inside were many more people than just my family.

When we arrived I was sent to a house with some of my family. I don’t recall too much here except that they had been there a while and not taken out the trash. I bundled up the trash bags (something needs to be taken care of, removed) and moved them into a corner below a broken shelf.

We got into a government vehicle and went to another house where my husband was staying. I recall driving by a very nice house that a family acquaintance was put in. I remember wondering why it was he got to live alone.

When we got to the other house it was in a cul-de-sac (resistance to change) and an armed guard was standing near the entrance. The last thing I recall is driving out and thinking it odd a guard was there. Then there was shift into the next dream.

Dream – Island of Healing

The cul-de-sac disappeared and I found myself alone standing on a road on an island (solitude, self-reliance). Tall, green grass (healing) was on either side of me and I could see the water in the far distance. The road was two lane and smooth. I walked with my dog, Monty, along the road for some time, up and down rolling hills, taking in the spectacular views. I remember feeling relieved of all worry and concern. It was a wonderful feeling!

It felt like I was alone on the island but it didn’t bother me one bit. I was just taking a casual stroll on a remote island somewhere. Monty was running ahead of me. I could see the wounds from the dog attack vividly but he did not act wounded.

Monty saw something and began barking and running toward it. As I focused in on it I realized it was a horse (freedom) or pony. I ran after him, concerned, but the horse ignored him and continued to walk wherever it was going.

When I got to Monty he was sniffing the horse’s hoof and growling suspiciously at it. I saw someone approaching and apologized saying he was just being protective and was likely a bit scared after the dog attack he endured recently. The man came closer and smiled. He was very black and tall and I got the sense got from him was that he was part of an island tribe. It felt like Australia to me for some reason but again it looked a lot like Africa. I am not sure where I was.

The man asked me what I thought of the place. That is when I noticed a huge bookcase (knowledge/understanding) in front of me. It was very out of place considering we were outside in the middle of nowhere on an island. Yet there it was. A bookcase full of books and other odds and ends. I recall seeing three rows of encyclopedias on the top shelves and other items in the center shelves. I remember touching one of the items. It was a figurine made of a smooth, black substance like coral. I responded that I hoped he didn’t mind me being there looking through his things. He told me I was welcome and motioned to someone standing on the other side of me. I turned to my left and a tall, very dark black woman was standing there. She also appeared tribal to me. She asked me, “What do you think?” I remember telling her, “I want to stay here forever.”

The two tribes people took me to another individual who resembled the character, William, on the show This is Us that I have been watching lately. He was seated and being asked questions. The first question he was asked was, “Are you prepared?” He answered, “Yes.” Then he was asked, “Who prepared you?” He replied after a brief pause, “God.”

Suddenly, I became quite lucid. I recognized the man from the show, knew I was dreaming and that the questions being asked of him were also being asked of me. I remember being asked, “Are you prepared?” I answered, “Yes”. Then I was asked, “Who prepared you?” I answered, “I did.” Then a third question was asked, “What did you prepare for?” I answered, “Life and death.”

As I answered these questions I felt/saw/sensed my heart chakra. What is odd here is that the chakra was being held by many hands. The hands were pulling the heart open. There were so many hands. They were touching one another, each with a firm grip on the edges of my heart. The hands and the edges were golden in color and light was in the center. The light expanded as the hands pulled on the heart, opening it wider and wider.

Living from the Heart

I woke up feeling loved and cared for. I did not want to leave that place.

A voice, one of the Many surrounding me, spoke with me for a while. I was asked, “What do you want?” I asked to go Home. I was asked why and I explained and felt understood. I recognized the dream message. I knew I was prepared but I still did not wish to continue. I feel tired and worn out.

A discussion about expectation ensued after that. I realized that the reason I felt so at peace in that island place was because everyone there accepted me just as I am. There was no expectation imposed upon me. I was perfect and accepted. But here, in this harsh world, I feel everyone’s expectations of me all the time. No one accepts me as I am. They want something from me and if I can’t give it they try to force it and/or they reject me. I know I do the same and we discussed how I can change that. It has to do with living from the heart but I could not see how it was possible. I remember hearing, “We will show you.”

I saw how the first dream reflected how I put what others wants before my own. Rather than go with my son on the trip I sent his aunt and uncle because I knew they would want it. I tend to try and be what others want of me and feel loss if I fail to accomplish this.

Dream and Message

I fell back to sleep and into a semi-lucid dream. I was with a group inside a place of learning. We were in the corner of a large gymnasium-type room. Books and backpacks were nearby. I recall seeing people I have known in this life. One woman recently met and fell in love and I saw her walk away with her partner, smiling. I remember judging her, though, because of her obesity and thinking it “gross” for her to be sexual. I was immediately ashamed for thinking that and quickly replaced the judgement with acceptance.

Class was let out and I left along with many others. A cheer leading (encouragement, motivation) class was coming in and I watched as they practiced. I then realized I had left my shoes (life direction) and went back inside to look for them. I walked back to the corner and saw several different pairs of shoes. Some were small, like children’s shoes, others looked to be from other cultures with curled up toes and made of leather. I found my shoes on a stool. They were brown leather slip-on shoes similar to penny loafers (comfort in work). I picked them and up and as I was leaving a group began to talk to me about music.

I sat with them, joking around a while about different songs from long ago. I remember telling them how I never could keep up with my friends and their ability to remember artist, song, and album names. I said, “I was lucky if I could recall any of that!” A guy there laughed and I remember feeling a connection to him and thinking, “We are the same.” He mentioned a song and I remember saying, “Isn’t that by Mike and the Mechanics?” Then everyone laughed meaning I was probably very wrong (lol). Note: I had to look up that band when I woke because I had no idea what songs they are famous for. 

I ended up hanging out with the group but we made so much noise that the cheer leading class was getting annoyed with us.

The last thing I recall is sitting very closely behind the guy who I had been laughing with. He turned over his right shoulder and kissed me. I returned the kiss and could feel it very physically. It was nice but before I allowed myself to really enjoy it I pulled away and said to him, “I can’t.” He said to me, “But you want to.” And I replied, “Yes, I do.”

My lucidity caused me to wake up but not before the man gave me a name and a message. He said, “Patrick Flowers” and sent a song message. The words were, “You will love again” but the melody was to Michael Jackson’s song, You Are Not Alone. I also remember writing down his name and what I think was a date of 8-31. The information woke me completely, though, and I lost the date information, but not the name.

Considerations

The dreams from last night do not surprise me. Prior to bed I had been thinking of the heart bliss and wishing I could feel it all the time. I miss it! My guidance told me that I could and I felt it was impossible. They said, “We will show you how.” I didn’t really expect to have such vivid dreams, especially the part where I saw my heart being opened by so many hands! Sadly, my heart doesn’t feel any more open today than yesterday. 😦

I’m definitely going through a rough period in my life. Too many losses and I am not doing anything really right now that I enjoy. With the weird tiredness, heart speed-ups and panic attacks I have even stopped exercising, which was one of the only things that made me feel good (but not joyful). I recognize that it may mean that I need to slow way down and do some inner work and healing. I can’t say I am very good at listening. Probably why my body is starting to make me listen. Nothing like scary heart speed-ups and panic attacks to scare a person into listening.

If I had to put how I feel in one word I will have to steal from an episode of This is Us that I watched last night. Mandy Moore’s character was telling her husband that she had no life and described herself as a “Ghost”. That is how I feel and I completely relate.

To end, the results of my search of Mike + the Mechanics.

 

 

 

 

Almost There

I’ve been sleeping very deeply so my dreams escape me when I awaken most morning. This morning, I woke early and upon returning to bed I mentioned that I would like to remember my dreams. My request was granted.

Dream: Fish Aquarium and Peacocks in the Sky

In this dream I was inside my Mom’s house. There was a fish aquarium (emotional state, controlled situation that is safely contained),  in the corner up on a stand. I remember this was the focus of my of my attention throughout the dream. I remember going into the back room (which was there in the late 80’s and early 90s and later demoed). When I looked back I saw something was wrong with the aquarium. A dark cloud of debris (negative situation) was forming in the center. I went to take a closer look and saw that the aquarium had fallen on its side and the contents of the filter got into the tank. I immediately worked to fix it and spent a long time looking for more stable stands for it to sit on. I could not find one that was stable, though. Everything wobbled. Ultimately, I set it on the floor in the corner because it was the only way to keep it from tipping again. Still, though, the soft carpet made it wobble some and this bothered me and distracted me. There was a feeling that some kind of darkness or negativity would come in and push it over but there was nothing present to suggest anything or anyone was around to do that.

Eventually I went outside, noting the back room and the starkness of it. It was shifty and obviously there only from my memory of the past. Those times were upsetting for me being I was only 12-13 years old.

I went outside and sat by the pool, looking up at the sky. It was dark outside and the sky was a strange shade of purple mixed with gray. I think my older sister was there, or else she was mentioned. The whole time I was focused on the sky and how it shifted and tumbled as if a big storm (upset in life) was forming. As I watched the sky I saw a beautiful peacock (rebirth, renewal, hope, success) flying through the sky, only its wings never spread but remained by its side. I pointed up and said, “But look! There are peacocks in the sky! I love peacocks!”  The peacock was bright and had a bubble of light around it that broke through the stormy clouds as it streaked across the horizon.

Then my Mom was talking about taking a group of people past our back fence (barrier) into another area. I saw in my mind a group walking through trees in low light but when they reached the fence the other side was clear and bright. I recall hearing, “Once we go past the property line we will be free.”

Dream: Almost There

In this dream I was inside a room. I can’t recall any details about the room. A conversation was going on between myself and a man. He was asking me about my work/job. What I recall about my “work” was that my purpose was to sleep with men and then give them an honest accounting of my experience and let them know what they needed to improve and what they excelled at. The man speaking to me was questioning my work. I felt I needed to explain that what I was doing was helping these men so they could learn how to be better lovers. The man talking to me was convinced but upset.

I remember three men stood in front of me. I had slept with all of them and given them an honest account of my experience with them. I remember turning to an older black man and complimenting him saying he was the best of the three by far. The older man was very humble and seemed surprised by my appraisal of his ability. I remember knowing that sometimes I had to tell the truth even when it was not wanted. The example that came to mind was telling a man his genital area was unexceptional and small and that he needed to compensate for that. lol

Then just me and the man I was talking to remained in the space. I could see the man very clearly. He had messy blonde hair and wore round spectacles (clarity, insight) that were a bit too big for his face. He seemed very young to me, maybe 20s. The man was concerned still about my work and seemed to be a bit whiny and insecure about our relationship. I spent time reassuring him while kissing him and laying very close. I could feel our connection at the heart. In my memory the feeling of our connection is calming and beautiful but I can also see images, like spots of color that moved and blended and breathed. The image took the place of all other images in my memory, as if we were the color and had no bodies at all.

I lay on top of him, kissing him and telling me he had nothing to worry about. I remember that he was naked and upon recognizing this, I pulled back to take a look. He was indeed naked and his male parts completely soft. I realized he was impotent and took note of this for later. My lucidity was peaking and so I was noting things to take back with me into waking reality.

I lay back on top of him, my chest over the top of his, and continued to kiss him gently and reassure him. Our connection would spark up and spread and then die down only to spark up again. The energy felt somewhat like popcorn as it burst, rose and fell.

There was this clarity that came to me then, and I realized that my work was nearly complete. I said to him, “There’s just one more step. We’re almost there. Just one last step and I’m done.” With this is a feeling of relief, as if I was feeling what he was feeling. I could also see the progression of the path I/we had been on and very clearly the last portion of the path ahead. It was so brief a glimpse that my memory is just of a flash of a road map, as if viewed on a small paper held in my hand. There is a greenish glow to it.

When I woke a portion of a song was going through my head, “Wanna have you near me. I wanna have you hear me sayin’, no one needs you more than I need you.”

It felt as if the dream was me talking to a part of myself, the masculine aspect, who currently feels impotent and unable to effect change in the way he wants to in life. The feminine part appears to be helping others see themselves. This is her “work” and how she helps others. She is explaining this to the masculine side who is attempting to get her sole attention. The answer she offers is that she is almost finished and on the last step or stage of the journey.

Considerations

Together the two dreams suggest a period of uncertainty and powerlessness that will eventually end. This is somewhat of a relief but then endings usually mean another beginning and there is such exhaustion felt right now that I struggle to look forward to yet another beginning.

Just last night I was thinking of how my life might look if it were a chart or graph. The up’s and down’s graphed as waves and troughs. The low periods lasting much longer than the high periods. So perhaps this thought bled through into my dreams.

Health Issues

This week I had an incident that has left me a bit shaken. As you may or may not remember, in the past I have had low blood sugar attacks when working out that led to major panic attacks from the fear of passing out or worse. This all began in 2016 and has ebbed and flowed, getting better for a time only to return.

Well, on Wednesday this week I was exercising and suddenly my heart rate spiked and would not come down. I had to stop and lay down and wait for it to pass. The entire time I was taking long, deep breaths but no matter how deeply I breathed it felt like I wasn’t getting enough oxygen.

Once recovered I ate a handful of peanut M&M’s and decided to run a bath to relax but some random family things occurred that caused me to get irritated and my heart rate spiked again. This time it stayed elevated for way too long and I got scared that I would indeed pass out or worse. I called my husband and stayed close to the floor as I waited it out. My husband texted back that he was on a conference call and so I asked my daughter to bring me up some peanut butter crackers.

When eating the crackers I realized I had absolutely no saliva so had to crawl to the sink to get water. It was the strangest thing! I sat on the floor in the bathroom eating and drinking my way through about 15 minutes of racing heart, dizziness and headache until finally I started to feel more normal. By the time my husband came home I was better, soaking in my bath. It was not until then that I starting crying.

The whole experience really shook me up. Panic attacks always do but they never last more than a few minutes, max. This was over a half hour! The feeling of not getting enough oxygen was the worst part. It felt like I was drowning. Every breath a gasp for air that seemed not to fulfill my body’s need for oxygen. Heart pounding in my chest, light-headed, and terrified that if I passed out I would not wake up.

Two days later, feeling fully recovered and well fed, I attempted to workout again, going slowly through the workout and taking longer breaks. Yet still my heart began to race and I had to lay down and breathe through it. Thankfully, it lasted only a couple of minutes and I was able to complete my workout without issue. This time it was definitely panic and not blood sugar. It may make working out from home difficult from here on out as environment tends to trigger the panic. 😦

Last night I noticed my heart was fluttering a bit, which it tends to do now and again ever since my first pregnancy. Despite knowing it is totally normal for me, it made me worry a bit and my mind started racing thinking of all the “what if’s”. What if this is it? What if my body is giving out? What if all the Kundalini, OBEs and other crazy spiritual experiences have taken a toll? My heart does tend to race when OOB and sometimes I have struggled to breathe, gasping for air. My guides have even warned me that going OOB can strain the heart (or my heart anyway).

And then I thought that I would be fine if this was it. If a doctor suggests I get on medicine like my mom I won’t do it. If surgery is suggested I won’t do it. I am fine if this is the beginning of the end. I just don’t like the panic part. Maybe I can move through the panic by holding onto the thought that it is only temporary and better things await around the corner? I did decide that when open-enrollment comes around at work that I will get coverage just in case. Then, if ever I do pass out (God forbid), the ambulance and emergency room will be covered.

And I went to sleep happy with whatever the outcome.