Spiritual Restructuring Causes Delays

Hope all my U.S. followers had an excellent July 4th. Unfortunately for me I was suffering through some major lower abdominal cramping all day and through the night. The cramping was similar to IBS cramps and pain, so if you suffer from IBS then you get an idea of how debilitating the pain can be. It comes in waves and while in the midst of the pain one can’t do much except lay down and be still.

The cramping seemed to have nothing to do with anything. I woke up starving and felt fine. After a bowl of oatmeal the cramps started and interrupted my blog writing. They lasted for 3 hours that round, let up and then returned after I ate a small meal of veggie soup. This was the pattern all day – eat something small and insignificant and then have cramping for hours after. I knew it meant I should eat nothing but I get low blood sugar dizzies and yesterday was too busy for me to be in such a state – not only was it a holiday but we had a/c service techs putting in a new unit upstairs. So I opted to eat and suffer through the cramps. I have tons of experience suffering through life anyway. Ha!

By the evening when the fireworks were full-on my cramping eased up and I was able to eat and enjoy the fattening food of the holiday without incident. No, I wasn’t a good girl. I ate like crap and even had two glasses of wine, but the cramping was gone so I figured why not. Well in the middle of the night I was awakened many times by intense cramping. It looks like today I will have to be careful again. Unfortunately we have more a/c techs visiting so I will have to eat something.

Spiritual Restructuring

As for what I was writing yesterday, I opted not to post the entire post. I am still mulling over some things and until I have clarity I will keep quiet. There is something afoot spiritually that I need to process completely before I share my thoughts.

For now, I will say I am going through quite a spiritual ordeal …. the word restructuring comes to mine …. on many levels, most I am not fully conscious of.  What I am aware of is wreaking havoc on my mental state and apparently my physical state as well. I read a blog post from Denise at HighHeartLife recently that validates what I have been going through. Friends on FB also indicated they were experiencing similar symptoms yesterday. I am not receptive to messages from my guides right now, for obvious reason I have already mentioned in other posts, so I feel as if I am going through all this blindfolded.

Mostly I have been suffering through Ego-related upsets and disillusionment. I have been questioning my path, changing my mind about decisions I thought were firm, and struggling with two conflicting realities that exist simultaneously in my universe. It’s like I am going through a mini-identity crisis. As of now, my inclination is to shift back toward a more mundane-focused path and set the spiritual one aside because the spiritual has been inconsistent and unreliable while the mundane has not. Stability is important to me. The spiritual experiences I’ve had, while profound, are sporadic at best, and the Knowing comes on suddenly with great clarity only to vanish as if it was never there. Know, not-Know, Know, not-Know. It is absolutely exasperating, like a fickle romantic interest. Reminds me of the Pisces I dated. lol  I can’t work with that.

Dream: Quitting the Show

I had a strange dream experience the morning of the 4th that I wish to recount.

I was with my group preparing to act out my role in a play (role in life) we were performing. I remember finishing it and then going to the bathroom (renewal). Suddenly the door was blown out (forced acceptance) and off its hinges leaving me exposed. Children (aspects of self) of all ages came in. I said, “Block the doorway, I’m trying to use the bathroom” while sitting on the toilet. They did as they were told but stared at me strangely.

Then I was waiting my turn to go on stage. I remember that I thought the production was over and my role completed. Realizing I was wrong and going back on stage (putting up an act, being false to Self) bothered me. I had forgotten my lines and knew I would have to perform two times, back-to-back. I watched the other performers from backstage and as it got closer to my time I decided to tell the producer I couldn’t do it.

Then I was with a group at a meeting. The producer was talking to the group and about to conclude the meeting when I spoke up saying, “I can’t go do it. I don’t know my lines because I thought we were done.” He said, “We still have two more shows.” I said, “I know but I don’t want to do it.” The producer got irritated and said, “Fine” then said another woman could do it. The woman was pleased. I looked at her and her hair was cut very short like a man’s. She was smiling and excited. I said, “Good. It all worked out for the best then, right?” Then all the others were gone and I was talking to the producer one-on-one. I joked around with him to get him to be less serious and pointing out the positives. He said to me, “Yeah, but I don’t know what we are going to do about Deb.” It felt like Deb was having major issues.

pizza

Feeling happy that I did not have to perform, I began to talk about eating lunch (lacking enlightenment) and said, “When I was younger I use to be able to eat an entire medium pizza (abundance and variety) all by myself. I don’t do that anymore.”

Then I am standing on a path in a desert-like (loss and misfortune) environment walking away from the city (social life/community). A black man dressed in running attire (action/activity) sprinted toward me. He was sprinting at full-speed and his face was painted in camouflage (hiding from Self). In his hand was a hunting knife (lack of control or power). When he saw me he raised the knife up and asked me to get out of his way or follow him. I said I would follow him and he told me to try and keep up. He sprinted off at top speed.

I remember thinking I would not be able to keep up and then finding myself sitting at a table with him. The scene was up in the mountains and quite beautiful. I was completely naked (feeling exposed) and also had dark skin. I looked down and saw very full breasts (nurturing/Goddess). They were so large and full that they touched the top of the marble table. I remember feeling very beautiful.

The man was concerned about finding food and water. Then I was watching the scene as an observer and the woman squeezed her breast and milk (inner nourishment) came out. She suggested they subsist off her breast milk and then leaned down and sucked her own breast. The man said, “I didn’t know you had a baby.” She said, “I didn’t. I just finished my cycle so there is no way I am pregnant.”

The scene shifted and I was back with the group who had been putting on the musical production. I was with a group of women.  My attention was drawn to a table across the room. The black man was sitting with all the men in the group talking about me (as the black woman) and saying inappropriate things about my breasts and what he planned to do with me. The whole table started laughing (feeling insecure). That’s when I realized the groups had separated by gender. Something about that alarmed me.

Experience and Message

Then I felt as if I was pulled suddenly up and out of my dream body. It was as if I was being swept upward toward an unknown source. My energy body felt fluid and without form. The odd, swift sensation surprised me and I jumped into my body feeling disoriented and confused. I suddenly had a full-on memory but I’m not sure when the things I remembered happened. In one I was talking with my friend Sophia. She was asking me to come to Mt. Shasta and urging me to reconsider saying I needed to heal and that she needed my help. I told her I had decided not to go and was very firm about it.

Another memory was of being shown a long list and hearing a man reading from the list. He was listing out my options. He said, “Your next opportunity will be in a year.”

It did not take me long to realize what had been decided. My first thought was, “I opted out.” I actually had awakened in the middle of the night from a prison dream with the same realization, so it was not surprising. There would be no “Independence Day” for me, at least not yet (if ever). I missed the bus.

Dream: Face Painting

I was inside an enclosure. There were several buildings made of a adobe (protection) inside a large, wall (protection) made of the same material. There were also gardens (inner-growth) and paths inside. It felt like a self-sustaining community but at the same time seemed like a prison (restricted movement) in that no one was allowed to leave.

I remember being in charge of several children. One of them had uprooted a small bush (feminine emotions/desires) and left it there. We had to replant (optimism) it.

A woman came to fetch me. She faced me and got out some powder makeup (rebuild self-confidence) in the colors of black and white. She began to put it on her face and I did the same. The end result was as if we had painted our faces white and our eyelids and lips black. The purpose of this was to prepare for a ceremony we would enact together. It felt as if she and I were to have sexual relations. I was pleased about this and somewhat excited.

hyacinth

Dream: Potent Hallucinogen 

I was traveling with my sister toward a large dam (repressed emotion). I remember walking through a flooded (emotion) area. The water was moving in small streams toward the dam and the soil was quite muddy though I never actually saw mud, I just felt myself sinking (slowed movement) as I walked. At the water’s edge I could see a concrete ledge. On the other side was a crystal clear lake. I grabbed a stick fishing pole and cast into the water (confronting repressed emotion). I saw many small fish (insights from subconscious) come up and one took the bait and ran away with it. I was unable to catch the fish.

My sister and I were then inside a house. She had in her purse (identity/sense of self) many different toiletries, makeup and other odds and ends. I remember the purse was large like a duffel bag. I looked inside and found a large, glass tube filled with a clear liquid. I knew it was a drug (escape from life’s problems) because my sister had previously let me taste it but I had not felt any effect. It tasted sweet (self-indulgence) and floral-like. She told me it was a hallucinogen made from a flower. I can’t remember the type of flower (hyacinth maybe) but it was a deep pink color (sex/lust). She had gone around and given people drops of it on their tongue and cautioned us. My sister was then beside me wanting to give me some of the drug to take with me. I found a small container and she put in many droppers worth of the drug. I remember being excited about using it at a later date.

The 8th and the Full-Moon

I’ve been receiving messages about the 8th for a while. I suspect it may have something to do with the potent energies of the full-moon on the 9th. What I have read about this full-moon promises for more inner-conflict for me I think. “This dangerous full moon has the potential to cause serious relationships problems if you let thing get out of control.” I am not looking forward to it.

 

 

Continued Anxiety and More Pushing from My Guides

Yesterday I had another exercise-induced panic attack at the gym. Thankfully, I was dropped off so did not have to worry about driving in such a state. However, I had to wait 15 minutes for my ride which was very difficult.

You may be wondering why I even bothered going to the gym. Well, I had a successful workout the last time so I figured I would be okay. This time I believe it was the confining space of the workout area combined with the intensity of the workout I chose. But I cannot gauge when and what will trigger these attacks and once one is triggered I have to just wait it out.

The positive side to the wait this time was that I was able to sit with the sensations that were causing the fear/panic reaction. The pounding heart was the strongest but there was also a feeling similar to the moments right before going OOB. I was interpreting the latter as dizziness and it created a panic response because I did not want to pass out at the gym. There was also a strong sensation in my chest, like a burning, that caused worry but it was only present when I was in full-on panic mode.

I was able to get comfortable with my pounding heart without a problem and when I did the panic feelings would abate. Sadly, my mind would start to worry about this or that or something would cause me to feel close to going OOB and the panic would come on full-force again. I went through several panic attacks in 15 minutes. It was on again, off again. Only when I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car did I finally calm down.

It was suggested by a FB friend that it could be a Pluto transit and maybe even Uranus causing me to ultra sensitive and open at this time. I told him I would not be surprised if that was the case. However, there is a serious upgrade underway right now and I suspect it is creating the perfect storm of emotional sensitivity in me.

Dream: Puppy Love

I’ve resorted to taking Benadryl at night again for a more restful sleep. It has helped but it doesn’t stop the dreams or guide communication. I am to the point now that I purposefully try and block dream recall. My guides have other ideas, though.

I had a very in-depth, near lucid dream last night where I was again working at a school as a counselor. My assignment this time was to pick up a student from class because his parents were coming to pick him up.

When I arrived at the location it was not a classroom but a large open space where children were all sitting on the floor. Each child was with a mother cat and kittens (transitional phase toward independence) and their job was to watch over them. I remember talking to the kids about their charges and smiling and feeling joy at the tiny kittens stumbling around. They had just opened their eyes and were cautiously exploring their surroundings. I advised the children to watch their kittens carefully because they had a tendency to wander off.

I had to go to the boy’s locker (hidden aspects of Self) to get his things. I was told his locker was #88 (material abundance) and it was located near the pre-school. I found the locker but it resembled a large mailbox (important info about to be received) like you would find at the post office. When I opened it I grabbed his stuff and a plastic bag with what looked like a change of clothes (identity) and lunchbox (preparing for important life event). Then I closed the locker and went to the nurse’s office to pick up the boy.

The nurse (need to take time to heal) handed the boy over to me right away. The boy was about 9 years old and happy to go with me. In fact, it did not take me long to realize the boy was enamored with me. He stayed really close to me and seemed under a spell.

We sat for a moment to wait for his parents. He sat really close to me and rested his head on my shoulder as we talked. I remained very professional the entire time, moving away from him out of fear that a coworker would mistake our closeness for something other than it was. Yet I could feel a strange energy between us. Or was it his energy? I couldn’t tell, but the feeling made me uncomfortable. It made my heart feel very warm and the warmth spread out from the center into my arms, stomach and head.

The thoughts going through my mind was what I recall here, not our conversation. I recognized the energy between us but could not understand why the boy would respond like he was, as if he had romantic inclinations. I was thinking, “Can a boy even have such feelings?” lol  I was also reminding myself that I was an adult and had a certain responsibility as a mentor to children. I could not let my discomfort with the energy hinder that.

Then the boy was handing me a picture. On it was a childish drawing of my face and to the lower left was a large heart. The message he sent was that he was in love with me. I retracted from this, once again wondering if a boy could even feel such things. Then I saw an entire love letter was written alongside the picture. I don’t recall what it said now other than it having tons of misspelled words. I though it sweet but worried the boy would get his heart crushed if I responded incorrectly to the situation.

Then I was meeting the boy’s parents. They were to catch a flight out of the school area and go back home to South Africa (getting down to one’s roots). I remember worrying his parents would be concerned about the attachment this boy had to me but they did not react at all to how he clung to me. I thought for sure they could feel the inappropriate feelings between us, but they obviously couldn’t.

We arrived at the airport but instead of a terminal it was a separate room encased in glass (protection). Inside the room were slides (instability in life or relationship) literally side-by-side. I could see individuals step onto a small, hoverboard-looking thing and then go down the slide really fast. Those that got enough momentum would disappear by the time they reached the bottom, transported instantly to their destination. I knew the boy would be going home to South Africa this way and though it was odd I thought it perfectly normal in the dream, like it was a new mode of transportation that was better than flying.

The boy, who now seemed to be the age of 15, stood with me outside the glass enclosure with his parents. As the time came for him to go he turned and said to me, “We were suppose to meet. I asked for you and you came. It is clear to me that you and I are meant to be a couple.” The energy of his words seemed to flow around my entire body and I could feel his certainty and his love for me. Of course, I was thoroughly confused by the whole thing. I could feel the love from him and the love I felt for him matched it. Yet I rejected the love because of how unacceptable it was. The age gap between us was enormous. He could be my very own child!

Conversation

I was awakened at this point, though by what I can’t recall. As I woke a guide was very close by asking me what I thought about the dream encounter and what I was feeling. My entire chest was warm and expansive and I was a bit confused by the whole dream experience. I don’t remember the conversation word-for-word but the understanding from it was that the dream was to show me what to expect in the future, specifically with the children I would work with. I did not want to consider such connections were awaiting me. How weird would that be? To be a counselor/mentor to students of such a young age and have to deal with not only my own strong feelings of love but also theirs! And to think they would interpret the love feeling as the boy in the dream did and I would have to remain “professional” and retain my mentor role despite it. I do not think I would have an issue with remaining professional but how awkward! Not to mention the internal conflict!

The conversation shifted from there to me resisting ever returning to work as a counselor. Not because of the dream but because it didn’t feel right. I was asked what feels right and my answer shifted the conversation to more uncomfortable issues, issues that I do not want to confront. This guide was super persistent about me doing what I knew I needed to do. He reminded me that my delaying things would not be helpful. He was so damn reasonable, too. Everything he said made sense and was the truth, truth I did not want to accept. I want to do nothing, to keep things as they are despite everything telling me to make changes. So much of the discussion was in why I was stalling. He reminded me that I have the strength, the know-how, the determination, the courage, yet I still do nothing. I understand all of it  – the why, the how, the path ahead – yet I don’t act. He encouraged me to just focus on the next step. Take the next step and then go from there was his advice. I get it, I do, but that step is scary to me despite its being so simple. I can see the other steps. I see too much and the challenges ahead are unwanted. Plus, the feeling that comes with the path is that everything I have worked to build in my life will be destroyed. His response was, “You created it, you can destroy it and then create something new.” I told him I prefer to stay safe, right where I am.

I told him I would rather be pushed than do anything on my own. The feeling from him was that I had already been pushed and done nothing. “How much more pushing do you need?” was his question. The visuals and memories of all the pushing I’ve had came all at once. It was obvious yet I was still trying to talk myself into believing otherwise.

Eventually I said to this guide, “I’ll do it.” This was more of an apathetic statement, not gung-ho at all. He said, “I know.”

Then a song came into my mind. I woke up yesterday with it, too. The specific part was, “If I could reach the stars, I’d give them all to you….” and “If I could turn back time.” I suspect the message is that time cannot be gotten back. The longer I wait, the more time I lose. And the first part is to remind me that I deserve so much more. Sigh. My guides love me. If only I loved me as much as they do.

 

Born to Rise

Eventful night last night. Nothing really out of the normal for me, but interesting at least.

Before I go into detail I want to share this clip from Supernatural because this is the show I’ve been watching to keep sane over the past few weeks. I am especially attracted to the humor in the show. Here’s an example (sorry for the French subtitles):

Dean had just been told he is a vessel for Archangel Michael. Thus his comedic response – Angel condom! HA! Love it! Dean is the reason I watch the show BTW. In the first episode I recognized him but wasn’t sure from where. Discovered he was on Days of Our Lives back when I use to watch it!

Okay, so back to last night’s events….

Kundalini

The first incident of the night was a mini-Kundalini rising. I slept through most of it so it was muted but not enough for me not to notice. I felt intense energy in my lower chakras – the typical Kundalini build-up with sexual undertones. When I woke up the energy was still present.

I was able to recall the dream scene preceding the Kundalini. I was laying on a flat surface with my arms and legs spread out in savasana. I felt the presence of others around me and there was a sense that I was being worked on. The Beings around me were removing a section of my energy field – like an entire layer. When they were done, the only part of this layer that remained was a small, rectangular section right over my solar plexus. The coloring of this section was green and the feeling of the removal of the energy layer was as if tight fitting clothing were being removed, like the removal of a wet suit.

Dream: Death of a Mother and Child

I was in a hospital (healing or giving up control) room asking about a mother who had been in labor a couple of days before. I was informed that both the mother and her newborn died not long after the birth (death of old paradigm). There were visuals of what happened in the explanation. I saw a young, blonde mother holding her newborn up to her bosom to nurse. The baby was crying and suckling but blood (loss of life force), not milk, was coming out of the woman’s breast. It was explained that the baby had a serious genetic illness that caused it to be in pain from even the most gentle of movements. I could see the entire spinal column (strength, could mean “spineless”) of the baby lit up in yellow and saw the pain that it suffered when it moved. When I asked what illness they died from I heard, “the Black Flu” but in my mind I thought, “Black Death” and associated it with that historical outbreak (healing aspect of self).

I was hit hard with an overwhelming grief. The emotion poured out of me so suddenly and with such force that it woke me up. My entire body was arched uncomfortably from the outflow when I woke up and the tears were so prevalent that it seemed I had been crying for some time. The thoughts going through my mind were on the untimely and unfair death of an innocent child and the grief of all mother’s who have suffered through the loss of a child. It is the most debilitating grief one can have.

Dream: Counselor Duties

I returned to sleep easily and entered into a dream where I was a school counselor at an elementary school. There was an awards ceremony (recognition of accomplishments) and I was to present awards to the dyslexic and autistic students from 4th grade.

There was a break and I went to find the restroom (purification). On the way I was fiddling with the cord of my white earbuds (intuition). It was in a knot (interruption in flow) and I was having to undo the knot. I noticed the wire was poking through at one point and worried it would cause it to short out.

When I went into the restroom I noticed I was on the second floor (increased understanding/higher level of awareness) of it. There were two stalls and then stairs that led to stalls on the lower level. There was no wall between the two levels so anyone could easily fall. I used the restroom and left noting how everything in the restroom was white.

Then I noticed a woman walking away from the group. On her back was a blood soaked sanitary pad (end of difficult times). I followed her wondering about it and finally told her about it. She said she knew it was there and reached over and pulled it off and tossed it in the trash.

The scene shifted and I was outside meeting up with a woman. She walked me toward a building and said we had to make a stop at the museum (non-traditional path/risk needed). She asked me to take off my shoes (need to be relaxed) and it seemed like the museum contained fragile, priceless things.

A_whirlpool

Dream: Whirlpool

Much of this dream is lost but the end is very vivid. I had been traveling with my husband in a car. We ended up in Waco and I became exasperated and said, “There is no way we are going to arrive on time now! We are at least 2 hours away!” He reassured me and entered the freeway (life direction/path). When he did, the entire freeway turned into a vast river (obstacles to overcome) that was so wide it resembled a lake. I saw indications that the water was moving rapidly (possible turmoil ahead) and said to my husband, “Be careful. I can tell the current is strong.” Then we were in a small boat (ability to express emotion) and being pulled into a whirlpool (emotional turmoil). The boat capsized (avoidance of the uncomfortable) and I fell out and could feel myself being pulled down into the dark water. The sensation of spinning woke me up.

Dream: Gray Kitten

I was inside a house and in front of me was a tiny, gray (detached/individualization) kitten (transition/feminine aspect/Kundalini) and his litter-mates. I was playing with the kitten and discussing how kittens typically behaved. It was pointed out to me that kittens scare easily. I remember watching the kittens pounce on one another and using my hand to purposefully scare them. At the end I said, “I hope they are all females because males spray when they grow up.” lol

Messages

Throughout the night during my brief wakings I received several messages:

I wondered about the Kundalini dream and heard, “Treatment.” I understood that some heavy-duty energy surgery was being performed on me.

I heard at least three times, “Your work is almost done.” I wondered after hearing this, “Then what?”

The final message I received was, “Born to rise.” I understood this to mean that my entire purpose in this lifetime is to ascend. Yay?

 

Funk

July 1st here I am. Graduated. Supposedly. I don’t feel graduated. I haven’t had any significant experiences or insight to conclude that anything close to a graduation happened. Perhaps it was only for my “brother” and I am having to take summer school to make up credits? I must have missed the blue bus in that dream the other day and have to wait for the next one. I think I’ve missed every bus that has ever come around. I should probably just hitch a ride or walk to my destination.

Funk

I’ve been in a funk lately or something like it. Spiritually all is quiet. Sleep is super deep and I am still fighting off the cold, or maybe it is now allergies. My sore throat is on and off again and I am still coughing, experiencing runny/dry eyes, congestion and just general malaise. Last night my ears were giving me issues. My left ear was ringing and my right ear was itching really horribly (hate that!). On top of all of the above, my sleep is horrible – constantly interrupted and not restful.

On top of all the weird physical symptoms that I’m having there has been an increase in anxiety related to my gym visits. It’s really putting a kink in my routine. I have been writing about the low blood sugar episodes and panic attacks at the gym for a while. Well, it seems that the anxiety has now extended to anything related to the gym from the trip there, to time at the gym, to the trip home. In fact, just driving through the intersection I go through on the way home from the gym incites anxiety when I’m not even going to the gym! It is so bad that just thinking about going to the gym puts a knot in my stomach. My solution has been to work out at home but yesterday I was determined to go to the gym and fight this stupid anxiety response with immersion therapy. I had my husband drop me off and pick me up to eliminate the drive anxiety. Thankfully, there was no incident at the gym but I was nervous the whole time. It really sucks and I am at a loss as to why it is happening now. I just want to get my gym fix already!

Most mornings I have been waking up feeling disinterest in life and forcing myself to find something to occupy my time so as to not get caught up in the monkey mind. I admit, I have been avoiding meditation and have blocked my guidance from coming through even when in a relaxed state. I just don’t want to know and don’t care to hear what they have to say right now. I feel like what they are going to tell me is something I don’t want to hear – bad news that I just don’t want to confront. They have to resort to messages in my dreams and through music and instant Knowing.

For example, the last two mornings I’ve heard this message, “I cross my heart and I hope to die…” I understood it to mean that what I have been told is true and to not give up hope. This is the song it is from. Again not exactly one of my favorites though I do like Maroon 5:

Last night I had several interesting dreams.

Dream: Four Lives in One

I experienced strange delirious states in this dream. One minute I would be talking to someone and in the midst of that interaction begin to make no sense to that situation because I was fully engaged in another one. I would catch myself and apologize only to end up doing it again. I resembled a crazy person.

All in all I was aware of four different “lives” I was living throughout the dream. Each time I would catch myself in one I would shift back to the preferred one but then get distracted back into another one. This dream was so unsettling it woke me up.

Dream: Evacuation

At one point I was in my mom’s house talking to family. They were going on a tour of the capitol ( personal finances) and would be gone all day. They asked if I wanted to go and I said I wanted to stay home. The entire time I was checking my phone and intending to text my partner. All I wanted to do was meet up with him and I couldn’t wait for my family to leave.

Somehow I ended up going with them when they left. I ended up inside a hotel that resembled a mansion (current relationship is in a rut). Inside I was in the dining room (important decision being made) and watched an old man go and tape off the table his family was to sit at. He also grabbed a huge umbrella (shielding self from emotion), snatching it before an old woman could get it. The feeling was that the mansion was a shelter (looking for security) and space was limited.

Then the place was empty – evacuated (isolating self from emotions). The group that had been there left in a hurry and we were left to deal with a huge group of people (conflict of ideas and interests) who had been locked out of the mansion before the evacuation. They wanted what was inside and were coming over the hill by the hundreds. Looking out at the people coming our way I said, “We should just let them in.”

Dream: The MRS

I heard very loud rock music playing and yelled to my husband to turn it down. I got up and locked my bedroom door. When I did I saw in large letters, “MRS”. I ignored it and went back to bed.

Then my husband was pounding on the locked door. He gained access and I got up and locked it again, using a key code. I changed the code and he would break in. This happened over and over to the point that I eventually gave up.

The scene shifted and we were shopping in a liquor store (lacking enthusiasm in life). I remember seeing an isle of liquor and thinking of the bottles as trees (can’t see forest for the trees). At the checkout I spoke to a man and a woman. The man had set out samples of a honey (be more assertive/communicate) treat and was commenting on how fast people were eating them. I mentioned it was too tempting being it was honey and then casually mentioned my concerns about my health. The woman said they did chest scans (feeling overwhelmed and in danger) but that I was still young enough not to worry about radiation (negativity in life/feeling overwhelmed). I mentioned my age and she reconsidered asking me if I had blood-work (revitalizing life force) recently. I said I had it during my pregnancies. She said I was probably okay because it would have registered on the tests.

Interpretation

This last dream appears to be insight into what it is that I am avoiding in my life. The MRS band message was interesting and the most vivid part of the dream. I had no idea such a band even existed! And they are also from Austin! The band says that they want to help women see themselves as always being “enough”. Considering I have been working through my issues with self-worth, this makes sense.

The locked door and continual break-in’s by my husband is likely a message that I cannot lock out my problems forever. They will continue to “force their way in” until I deal with them.

The final liquor store part seems to be guidance on how to handle my current issues.

Vision

I returned to the funeral of my grandfather. I remembered the whole thing but specifically walking by his open casket and seeing him dead. I then recalled my grandmother’s funeral and seeing her inside an open casket, too. It was an odd vision to have and I was surprised I recalled both funerals so vividly. This vision goes along with similar “death” messages I’ve been getting for some time.

 

Dream: Operation and Marriage

My sleep has been interrupted for the past few days. Last night I woke up about 6 or 7 times and only got solid sleep in the morning for a few hours. The dreams I had were intense and kept waking me up. I had so many I have lost track of most of them but I do recall a significant one.

Dream: Operation and Marriage

The dream began with me having a discussion with a woman about an upcoming operation (need to cut something out of my life). The woman resembled my OB/GYN and the operation seemed to be one involving my reproductive organs, specifically I was seeing my ovaries (new beginnings). She was advising me to pack and prepare for the flight out. I understood I was to be gone for two days and that it would be my final flight.

Then I had arrived at an apartment (life improvement) near the top floor of a high rise. There was an enormous floor to ceiling window (possibility) that led out to a balcony (being seen) facing East (spiritual enlightenment). Outside I could see the ocean (spiritual empowerment) and the air was crisp (breakthrough) requiring a sweater. Inside the apartment was familiar. It was very modern and clean. I recognized it as my old apartment that I had not been to for many, many years. I questioned how it was still fully furnished and how no one had rented it when no payment had been sent. I got no answer. I just knew the apartment was kept for me when I needed it. It would always be there.

Inside, I went to the closet (hidden aspects) to seek out more clothing because the trip had been extended and I had only packed clothing for two days. I found the closet full of my own clothes (finding Self), which surprised me. The closet was attached to the kitchen and I looked around, noticing there were many silver (feminine aspect, intuition) plates and platters (ideas and concepts). I mentioned they were wedding (transition) presents that I had left there. I remember opening a cabinet and seeing bags of opened dog food (battling fidelity issues in a relationship) and worrying they would attract roaches (uncleanliness) but I saw none. The bags looked freshly opened.

There was an older man with me as well as another couple. The older man and I were close and I was very forward with him about wanting to be with him. Actually, in the dream it felt like he and I were suppose to be doing something together. He kept resisting my advances, communicating with me telepathically that he felt he was too old for me (more wisdom/experience than me perhaps?). I responded with, “Shouldn’t I be the judge of that?” To me he was not old at all and I didn’t care about age anyway.

The man reminded me of Mel Gibson or someone similar. I remember kissing him and him pulling away, a feeling of enormous guilt coming from him. I followed him around the apartment trying to talk some sense into him. I recall singing what seemed like a hymnal at this time and continued to hear it in the background of the dream until it’s end.

Eventually a woman came up and questioned the man, asking him about a past life. I saw in front of me a scene. In it the man was younger and looked different. He had gotten angry and violent and killed his twin which in the vision appeared as an identical version of himself. The woman had asked him a question about it, demanding he make a decision. He put his hands on either side of my waist, stood behind me and said to her, “I’m with her.” The woman smiled. I knew the man had chosen me and the deal was sealed.

Then I was watching a group gathered. The stood on either side of an aisle (balance in life). I remember when they saw me they all knelt (surrender) on one knee and looked at me. I felt this was appropriate because I was to be married (transition, unification). When I looked up, though, there was a woman dressed in a beautiful white wedding gown. I remember thinking, “Oh, she is getting married, too. I’m next, though.”

Song

When I woke up, I was discussing something with my guidance but I can’t recall it now. Sometime during this discussion I became aware of a song going on in the back of my mind. I recognized that it was the same song I had been singing and heard playing in the background of the dream.

The main part I kept hearing is, “More than words… that you love me, cause I’d already know.” I recognized it as a song that came out when I was in high school. Considering I was singing this song to the man in my dreams, I may have been asking him to take action on his love for me. lol

The Funnel Effect

Woke up crying this morning. 😦

Dream: 700 Years is Enough

I was standing in line at a stop light. Standing – not in a car – which is odd. People began walking past going in the opposite direction. The line stopped suddenly, though, and the people in the line began staring at each other and seeming to communicate without words. I also recall I had earbuds (in tune with intuition) in my ears but there wasn’t any audible music. The line would start moving and then stop again. I saw specific people were causing the delay. They seemed to be upset and others got caught up in the encounter as they went by adding to the size of the group. Still others walked past the scene, bypassing it and going on their way.

The group eventually dispersed and the last to leave was a young black woman. I had pulled out my earbuds by this time and wanted to help. I went up to her, put my hand on her shoulder and asked, “Is everything alright?” She snapped back, “No.” She walked past me and I turned around and said, “Well, I hope you have a good day tomorrow….and a good rest of your night.” I felt unsure that I should even speak to her but wanted to relay that I cared. She turned back to me and threw a nasty energy at me and said, “You better watch your back. I’m gonna kill your mother.” Then she walked away.

I thought back to her, “How? You don’t even know who I am.” At first I was unaffected, understanding her upset, but then I knew the rest of her story all at once. What I recall of it was that she was raised by angry, hate-filled parents and brought up with family who was the same. All she knew was anger and hatred. Her day-to-day life was confrontation. That’s all she knew.

I continued home to my partner. When I walked into the door I said to him, “I want out of this (skin).” My physical body felt like a death trap when I said it. I could see my partner laying in a bed with white sheets. He sat up and there was a feeling of, “Not yet” from him in response. I said to him, “Fine. I’ll give it a few more days but then I’m outta here. 700 years is long enough.” With this, I communicated my experience to my partner without words and how the human race felt beyond help. How could I do any good in this place if they were all so filled with hate? There was a sadness at knowing that once a human got to a certain age there was little to no hope in changing their patterns. It felt pointless to even try to save any of them once they made it to adolescence.

My partner understood but he was not like me. He still had so much hope and believed they could be saved. His steadfastness in the mission was the only reason I held on. He was unaffected by the negativity. He seemed not to feel it like I did.

The enormity of the task hit me hard. I felt all the millions of people on Earth and the anger, hatred and despair they carried with them. This was their day-to-day life. It was all they knew. I could feel each and every one of them as if they were me. The feeling crushed me and I burst into tears.

I woke up in tears, the feeling from the dream still very real to me. It reminded me of when I worked at an alternative school and how the students would throw such nasty energy at one another and at me. It was all they knew. The first week on the job I burst into tears in my car on the way home every day. Then I somehow numbed myself to the energy but eventually I couldn’t and felt beaten down by it. That woman in the dream sent me the exact same energy. It communicated, “I hate you. I don’t trust you. I don’t trust anyone. You are a worthless piece of shit. Nothing you do or say will amount to anything. It’s me or you and I will kill you if you get in my way.” The only way to ever get through to the students was to lower myself to their level, to reduce my vibration. They wouldn’t even see me or listen to me until I did. But lowering my vibration for so long took a toll on me. I just couldn’t stay in that place or I would have been lost like them. I will forever feel I failed them, though. My Light wasn’t enough to save them. It’s no wonder I felt the way I did in the dream.

This song was going through my head as I awoke, specifically, “You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, it’s true……but I don’t know what to do, ’cause I’ll never be with you.”

Dreams

I had many other dreams prior to this one.

In one I was traveling on a busy highway but stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic (feeling stuck) that was barely moving. I asked my partner to take the feeder road to get to our destination faster. We were going to the bank (fears are unfounded). He said, “No, look the traffic is moving now.” When we arrived we stayed near the car and I remember talking to someone who I revered. He told me I won a prize and handed me $150 (expect change). Then he handed me a purple, plush armadillo (need to recognize codependent situation).

armadillo

In another more lucid dream I was driving down a four lane highway through a town. It was dark and there were no other cars on the road. I became super lucid while behind the wheel and began to panic. My guidance said, “It will be alright. You are only going 10mph (step forward into the new).” I remember feeling I needed to just focus on the road, so I did, and the panic dissipated.

I didn’t know where I was or where I was going and ended up driving into downtown (material concerns). I turned around and when I did my car disappeared and I was inside an old building. Sitting at a waiting table was my partner and beside him was a woman with brown hair. I realized we were at a salon (new outlook) and so I sat down and waited with them. I couldn’t help but notice my partner was very interested in the woman. I felt her fire, concluding she was an Aries, and was instantly concerned that he would like her more than me. Her energy was exciting and new and I felt I couldn’t compete with it (feeling insecure).

I got up to leave, concluding that it was time for me to go and feeling like the third wheel. My partner immediately stopped me, asking me to stay, so I did. One of the beauticians asked me if I had an appointment, I said I thought I did and would wait. I remember feeling like I would have to wait a long time.

Explanation – The Funnel Effect 

My guidance and I had a discussion in which I was very much a different, higher version of myself. I seemed to know what I normally would not know. In it, we were discussing the current energies and why they are so intense. What I remember about the discussion is a visual of timelines collapsing in on one another. The timelines were very crowded, almost one on top of the other. This is different from what they were a year ago. Imagine a funnel. A year or two ago the timelines were on the outer rim of the funnel, farther apart and with less motion. Now, the timelines are getting close to the center of the funnel, piling one on top of the other and they have more inertia (resistance to change in motion).

I was reminded that I (we) are still selecting timelines and that we are getting down to the end of the selection process. The experiences I’ve been having are a result of this. In any one moment of any day I can expect to experience multiple timelines. My experience of this is mostly via emotion and Knowing. For example, I will have a strong Knowing about what I should do but then not long after it will vanish and I will be left wondering what is going on. These experiences are so frequent that it leaves me feeling like I am riding waves of Knowing and then falling suddenly into unKnowing just as quickly.

Right now there is a specific karmic stream that runs through the timelines I am reviewing. In this discussion I could see all at once the various timelines this karma runs through and how it plays out over and over again. I felt the disappointment, the hopelessness of ever correcting the patterns related to this karma. These patterns are with specific people in my current lifetime. It was explained to me that I am correcting these patterns, which is why I am reviewing the timelines related to them. I understood why it was so important for me to focus on what I want and not on what I have experienced in the past (past meaning not only this lifetime). Now I have the opportunity to resolve this karma, to change repetitive patterns and complete a mission I started a very long time ago.

white-garden-arbor-swing-with-climbing-perennial

There came after this discussion and sudden understanding an example of how easily one can fall into other timeline streams. I got up to use the restroom and suddenly had a full-on memory of a potential timeline. It was so strong I paused and had to lean up against the door. In the “memory” I saw my husband barge into my locked bedroom and force himself on me. The feeling from him was that he was justifying his behavior based on the fact that he is my husband and it was his right. There was a feeling of anger also, anger at being denied his right to my body. Similarly, I knew I would not resist but allow because I felt he was justified in his behavior, that I was wrong to deny him and it was my duty as his wife to allow him access to my body. I also knew that after the very traumatic experience that I would not have the courage to leave, but would stay. The feeling was that I did not have enough self-worth to challenge the situation nor enough willpower to change my circumstances.

I tried not to allow this “memory” to affect me. I understood I was viewing another timeline, but it got to me nonetheless. I wondered if this were repeated in the current timeline if I would have the strength to remove myself from the situation? I would like to think I do but if I’m honest I am not so sure.

I saw other timelines not long after. One was in a garden sitting on a swing with a man I loved dearly. The repetitive pattern with him was disappointing. I recognized the garden scene because it was in several timelines. I knew it was our “first encounter” spot and felt the grief associated with it. So many failures, one after the other. No wonder I have such a feeling of unrequited love connected to this person.

The key is to not get caught up in these “memories” or the “decisions” from these other potential timelines but to focus on the desired outcome. It was stressed to me over and over that I need to push all unwanted outcomes out of my mind and see the intended outcome as my reality. If I continue to do that then it will be the timeline that wins out.

 

 

More Sickness and Strange Dreams

Looks like the stomach bug is revisiting our household. 😦

I was awakened at 2am by my husband puking in the bathroom. He chose the bathroom closest to where I sleep for some odd reason. At 6am he was banging on my door and waking me up. When I asked why he said he wanted “attention” and “love” and wanted a hug. I wanted to be as far away as I could and so left. He opted to lay on my bed and contaminate it.

I do have sympathy for my husband but I am still sick with a lingering cold (the sore throat is back) and still have a yeast infection. The last thing I need is to have the stomach bug on top of that. As it is, I am probably screwed. The stomach bug has a very fast incubation period – 12-24 hours. It is also the hardiest virus you will come by. It takes bleach to kill it. I actually went over my house from top to bottom the last time we had it to make sure I got rid of it.

I am thinking that my husband picked it up at the neighbors house this weekend. He actually had no plans this weekend but when he happened to hear the neighbor was remodeling his bathroom he volunteered to help. Thus, he was gone all.weekend.long. Then, as if he hadn’t already done enough, he goes for an hour long run, comes home and tells me he volunteered to watch his brother’s three kids for the night. He takes all three of our kids over and watches six kids until 10pm.

This is how he operates. If he gets bored he finds something to do. Doing nothing is like his nemesis. He always finds something to do, then works his butt off, and as soon as he is done he collapses in a deep sleep. I often find him passed out on the sofa mid-day. Gemini to a T.

When I learned he had the stomach bug I was reminded of the messages I received in my dreams not long ago, messages that said I needed to fast for 24 hours before some big event happened. My first thought was, “I won’t be able to do that because I won’t know when.” Then I paused and thought, “Unless I get the stomach flu again….” So this morning I was thinking, “Oh hell no!” lol

My sore throat came back last night but only on the left side (weird). It isn’t that horrible but it’s annoying. Again I lounged around watching T.V. all day and doing practically nothing. My third-eye was buzzing on and off most of the day, too, which I found strange considering I am still sick.

I slept deeply and my dreams are hard to recall but I remember two.

Dream: Haircut

In the first I was face to face with a familiar man. I was going to get a haircut (fresh start) and this man was present on and off. I would just see his face and feel this unsettled, almost threatening energy. I remember discussing the haircut and seeing someone’s hair being slicked back and combed. I woke from this dream suddenly, wondering why the man felt so threatening when in other dreams his energy had been normal.

Dream: Witnessing Union

In the next dream I was watching a black woman and a black man laying naked in the middle of a shallow stream. They were making out and their bodies seemed to merge into one. All I recall now of the scene is one person with two faces – male and female. The entire time I was talking to someone but I can’t remember what was said.

After the “Union” between them was complete they remained one and the female spoke to me asking me to gather up keepsakes for this monumental event. I remember seeing what looked like test strips reminiscent of the ovulation test strips I use to use when trying to get pregnant with my middle child. I could see the long, white strips complete with yellow tips bundled in a cylindrical container. She was instructing me on what strips to keep. There numbers on them that seemed to indicate days of the month. I don’t remember all the numbers now but I do remember the number 4 and laying out two groups of 4 strips. My feeling was that she wanted to save these strips like I saved my positive pregnancies tests for each of my pregnancies – as memory of an important day/event. I laid them out and got a feeling that she had become “pregnant” but I knew she wasn’t really pregnant but rather that something “new” had been created.

As I left the couple, I went to the kitchen to continue preparations. This part of the dream is hazy but I remember my hair was wet and still full of shampoo (growth and new ideas). At one point I paused and leaned over the sink backwards, got my hair wet and then wrung it out (releasing old routines and considerations). My hair was long and dark and whoever was watching commented on how easily I was able to rinse the shampoo out. I also remember the sink was full of dirty dishes (unsatisfied with something) when I did this.

As I woke I heard, “11 days” and saw the 24th as the start of this time frame. It reminded me of the many messages I have received over the years that the 4th of July is my new birthday. 11 days from the 24th is the 4th of July.

Considerations

As I woke I was thinking of something completely unrelated to my dreams. My husband is planning on going on a road trip to New Mexico the weekend after the 4th of July. He wants me to go but I am not really wanting to go on a 15 hour road trip with everyone in our Mazda which has 90K miles on it. Plus, the last time I went on a trip with him to NM I was miserable and hardly slept the entire time. He wants to leave on the 6th or 7th and be gone until the next Monday or Tuesday. I suggested he stay longer because that amount of driving doesn’t make a lot of sense for that short of a stay.

So I was thinking of this and couldn’t help but recall that I had previously considered taking off on my own road trip after the 7th of July. I quickly pushed that from my mind, though, because I just don’t feel up to doing anything right now. I want my body to be healed and healthy! Yet a previously received message came to me, one suggesting that I would need time alone to heal. Again, I put it out of my mind. The feeling is that if I am meant to go somewhere to heal then I will know when and where and will just go.

The dreams I had suggest that some changes are on the horizon beginning around the 29th of June and completing around the 4th of July. These changes have to do with creating something “new”, tossing old ideas and coming into Wholeness.