Messages: Protection and the Diamond Light Codes

Feeling less upset this morning and more calm. I had another emotional purging last night, though. It reminds me of last November and December and how at the end of the day or whenever I found myself alone I would encounter intense emotion and it would just pour out of me. The whole process of letting it out is deeply exhausting. It feels like my insides are weeping and my body cannot contain them so they pour out of me. My entire body lurches. It’s like I am vomiting the emotion and the after effects are no different.

My sleep was undisturbed and deep last night. When I awoke I was given messages and I had clarity once again. It is like a calmness descends over me and I understand everything so clearly. There is no upset at what I am going through and no desire to escape it either. It is so odd yet at this moment I see it as a completely normal and expected part of my transformation process.

Dream: Renovating a Mansion

I had bought a new house/mansion (my greatest potential) and my realtor (guide) was showing it to me. It was enormous, much bigger than anything I could afford or would even think suited me. As we walked inside I was blown away by the beauty and majesty of the place. What was most noticeable was the dark, mahogany wood trim and accents. My realtor was advising me on the renovations (new outlook/perspective). He suggested I replace the wood with a white stone tile. I’m not sure what kind it was but when I saw it in my mind it appeared silvery white, seamless and modern. The lighting was also to be changed to silvery chandeliers. I remember not liking the idea of replacing the stone accents and wood. I asked if it was necessary to even renovate. I recall him suggesting it but saying it was my choice.

Then we went outside to survey the property I now owned. A portion of the fence (barriers) had been torn down along with a foot bridge (connection or opportunity lost). The previous owners had done this. There was also a large dog (untrustworthy) watching us. It was huge, like wolf sized and pure grey. I thought I saw a mask over its eyes like a raccoon (deceit) and felt I needed to stay away. I hurried into the house and closed the door before it came in. It was obviously friendly but for some reason I was wary. The realtor said it belonged to the previous owners and was left behind.

Dream: Stuck in the Dark

Short dream of being beside a large body of water with a group of friends. The water (emotion) was being drained via a huge central drain, similar to a pool drain (need to remove obstacles) but larger. Somehow one of the group got sucked down and stuck in the drain. There was discussion on how to get him out. I mainly recall everything being black (unknown, death) because I became the one stuck in the drain. But I was also the one trying to help free the stuck person. From above I was sending down a light to illuminate the darkness. From within I was waiting in the darkness, unable to see and worried I would drown. Somehow I found an air bubble and survived, though. The light was sent down the drain and I saw it descending toward me. It looked like the flame of a candle. Then I was being released from the dark depths but I don’t remember making it to the surface. Instead I found myself on the surface watching a man as he loosened the dirt (attempt to hide something) around the edges of the water causing it to cave in. His intention was to trap the other me under the water. I was able to stop the man and ran across the land mass near the water. When I looked down I saw I was standing on a dirt colored map (life path) of the world, specifically the middle east – Israel (spiritual unrest). Half of the map had crumbled into the water, though (feeling lost, without direction).

Messages

I drifted in and out of the in-between. During this time I recall receiving a message in pieces. First I heard, “The four directions” and then “protection”. I also heard something about a “5th direction”. I was responding to my guidance as a different version of myself, one with great Knowing and understanding of what I have been going through. I can’t recall my specific remarks but the understanding remains even now.

The end of this section of the Equinox Portal is nearing. This section, like the others, has been working on rectifying the False Self. For me this has been experienced via the arising of my “inner demons”, those aspects of self that perpetuate confusion, self-destruction and self-loathing. They reveal themselves via mental circuitry, or repetitive/circular thought patterns, that are triggered via specific life experiences. Ultimately, when observed they reveal limiting and destructive beliefs from this and previous incarnations.

I was reminded not to allow myself to become defeated by this circuitry but to allow and observe it. When experienced it will feel as if it has overtaken me. I will be drawn into the emotion in a very real and tangible way and past memories and incidents will be revealed. The key is to pay attention to what is revealed through it.

Easier said than done.

These moments of emotion are so dark, so agonizing, that I feel they will kill me. They evoke a feeling of powerlessness that is terrifying. It is as if I am experiencing that moment just prior to death when one knows what is coming – death – but can do nothing to stop it. Is this the Ego struggling against its own death? Or is it something else? I am not exactly sure but I have faint memories, memories that seem to run away when I touch upon them, that cause me to question if any of the experience is even mine. It is like I am flushing out an old, useless version of myself. A self that is already dead but whose tendencies and memories remain. It’s such a weird, surreal feeling yet at the same time it feels completely natural.

The protection part of the message concerns me somewhat. I am left wondering if perhaps I am in danger of becoming totally overrun by the darkness. Is someone or something praying upon me? Do I have an entity attached to me? Or is it something else, some larger, dark force? But then I don’t believe the darkness can really hurt me, nor do I feel a need to avoid it as it is part of the experience of duality. I even recognize that I am fascinated by the darkness. Plus, I have never felt a need to protect myself via visualization or prayer. My guidance has always done it for me when needed, if it even is needed (I still doubt this need).

diamonDiamond Light Codes

There was a brief dream of a discussion with a woman who was showing me a diagram that resembled a baseball diamond. I recall it being drawn like a map and feeling it was for assistance and protection. As I woke from this dream I began mentally speaking in light language, drawing a diamond around me with my hands. It was so streamlined and automatic that it surprised me out of the in-between.

As I emerged from the in-between I heard myself saying, “Diamond Light Codes” and then “Sacred geometry”. I was discussing this with someone and saying things about sacred geometry that indicated a thorough knowledge of the subject. Of course, I forgot it all.

A quick search on Google indicates the Diamond Light Codes and Light Body exist, but I do not have the time or desire to read through it all. Sometimes I get tired of hearing these specialized ascension terms from my guidance. It would be nice for it to simple and straightforward. It would also be nice if all the information coming in and made available matched. Beside, in the end, will any of this information and terminology matter anyway? Not likely. It seems more likely that the information is provided because so many of us humans want to know “why” all the time. What if we stopped asking why and just let it Be? We already Know it all anyway. Feel it and allow it. Who cares what it is called or what the process and steps are. This whole journey and questioning all the time is getting old and tiresome. I got a smile from my guidance from that. 🙂

Edit: After I posted this I recalled that the reason for the protection is not that a particular dark entity is looming in the shadows ready to pounce. It is instead that I am extremely open and empathic right now. My heart space is not only open but expanding (solar plexus and sacral are being integrated) and will remain so as part of a new energetic system/Light Body.

I have received this message before but I guess it just didn’t click. I have to learn to live with being in an expansively open state. I can’t bury the emotion or I will get sick. I have to allow it and protect myself from becoming over burdened and worn out. It will effectively “kill” my body, exhausting my adrenal system and overloading my nervous system if I don’t protect myself, care for myself and listen to my body.

This is part of the “holding more Light” we have all been preparing for. We need to be in top shape physically, but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Any of these that we are not meeting the minimum expectations in will be brought to our attention either via messages and dreams or through outright “assault” on that faculty. So, if you are not physically ready, your body will show you. If you are not emotionally ready, your emotions will show you. And so on and so forth. For me it appears my emotional and mental bodies are not quite there yet. Physically I’m doing much better (now anyway). Spiritually, well I guess I’m okay? lol

I remembered all of this information when I stumbled on this post this morning. She says:

Suppressing your emotions is probably one of the worst things you could do. Numbing them by resorting to substances, addictive behaviors or other forms of escapism will not help in the long run either.

It means also finding strength in our emotions. Allowing the flow of energy and information that moves through the emotional channels to act in your favour, rather than otherwise.

That is (at minimum) a 2-part process:

Detoxification – unburdening the body, mind and spirit of accumulated debris

Recalibration – discovering a new way to exist within a rapidly evolving physical and spiritual climate

Over a week ago I was asked to stop smoking and was told, “These destructive tendencies slow down the process. You must love yourself and your body”. I quit without issue (as is my usual). I was asked to never resume the habit. Strangely I have had absolutely no desire to resume it and the typical triggers have been in abundance! I also tossed out all wine on a whim. Down the drain it went. Yesterday I was asked to do a semi-fast/cleanse/detox. I started first thing this morning. So far I have not even been hungry today and all I’ve had is fresh juice from my juicer, mineral water and a bowl of oatmeal with honey.

 

 

 

 

Dream: Mountain Guide

I had another emotional purging hit me last night. It didn’t last long but it was a rough one. They seem to get better for a while and then come back with a vengeance. 😦

Dream: Mountain Guide

The dream began with me reporting to work as a tutor. Everyone mistook me for a different woman, a woman who looked like me. I just played along and left right after I arrived because I felt the work was not for me and changed my mind about working there.

I got into my car and started driving but the road was unfamiliar. I followed it anyway and it led up into snow capped mountains. Where there weren’t mountains there was barren rock outcroppings, boulders and silt. I realized the snow was a huge glacier (emotional shut-down; evitable changes).

The scenery reminded me of Glacier National Park and I wanted to stop and take pictures. I found a place to stop near an abandoned quarry (emotional hole). Other cars were also parked there. I walked to the edge of the quarry and it opened up into a beautiful lake (solace). I took out my phone to take a photo but there was no reception and the photos would not take. That’s when I saw two identical waterfalls (letting go) next to each other. It was breathtaking.

I felt very unsteady walking back to my car. The ground was littered with small, round rocks (feeling unstable) and I was upset that my phone was not working (lack of understanding). I knew I was lost but was unconcerned. I discovered my car was not working properly so opted to investigate the area. I saw a group of people nearby and a man called out to me. I went up to him and told him I had no reception and was lost. We talked awhile. He was amicable and wanted to help me.

He was with his family, a group of various individuals. I only recall the woman. We talked quite a bit. He asked me if I liked North Dakota. I told him I did, but not in the winter (which it wasn’t). From his comment I assumed we were in North Dakota but the area did not resemble it.

He eventually invited me to come with him and his group. They would be climbing the mountain (overcoming obstacles). His only request of me was that I did not eat while I was with them. I accepted his conditions. I had no way home anyway and figured he could help me get back on track.

As we set off, we stopped at a store to pick up supplies. I recall looking at walnuts (thinking too much) in candy form and other treats but was reminded that I couldn’t eat while on this journey (need to be independent).

Then we were inside a tent (need for a break). It was huge and had large aluminum poles. I was led to the opening of the tent and told how stable the tent was. To demonstrate it’s strength they asked me to do a pull-up (strength and perseverance to rise above a difficult situation) on it. When I did one I stayed at the top of it looking for a note they said would be there. I found nothing but was applauded and told I was very strong and capable.

The dream ended with my guide driving me down a two lane road through the mountains. I remember asking, “Are we going back the way I came?” I heard, “We are going North.”

Messages 

I woke from this dream feeling very empty and with stomach cramps again. The first thing I recalled was the part of the dream where I was told not to eat. With this came a Knowing that I was being advised to do a fast and/or eat very lightly. This is not an unusual request and considering how my stomach has been feeling it seemed like a good idea. Usually the change in eating is preparation for a Kundalini rising event, but not always.

Then I saw a very large, “27”. I recognized it as a date and being tomorrow is the 27th I assume the request is that I begin my fast tomorrow. Oddly, my dreams have been giving me dates for the past week. The dates have been 30, 29, 28 and now 27. A countdown?

The dream scene returned to my memory. It took me to a specific time when I lived in Alaska. My guidance asked me, “How is now similar to then?”

When I got to comparing the two time periods the similarities are obvious. The memories poured in.

Prior to moving to Alaska I had stayed with my mom preparing for the move. I remember being undecided and considering staying in Texas rather than continuing in my marriage. I was so set upon this course of action that I applied for jobs. I remember eventually deciding to go to Alaska but there was this awful feeling with it and I knew it was a bad idea. Yet I bought a pickup anyway, trading in my Honda Civic when I didn’t want to.

Two days before I was to drive to meet my ex in Montana I got a phone call asking me to interview for a position. My gut told me if I interviewed I would get the job. I opted to tell them no and gave reasons why but I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. Later, while in the shower, I burst into tears. It was the most painful purging I had ever experienced up to that point. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had made a potentially harmful decision. I wanted to stay and start my own life apart from my ex but I was just too scared.

Later, a little over a year after this incident when I had moved back to my mom’s after leaving my ex, my mom told me she had seen me through the window while I was taking that shower. She said she had never seen me in so much pain and that it broke her heart. She told me she knew I had not wanted to go the Alaska. I asked her why she didn’t encourage me to stay. She told me she felt my place was with my husband so she didn’t say anything. I remember wishing she had talked to me and asked me to stay. Most of what I did in my youth was based upon what my mother expected of me. Had she told me the truth it would have been so freeing.

The year I lived in Alaska was one of the darkest periods in my life.

My guidance kept encouraging me to look at these old memories. It didn’t take me long to pinpoint why.

There were memories of the time I was in Alaska that popped up. I have mentioned them in previous posts. However, this time I was being asked to inspect how I felt. I heard my guidance say, “You have felt like this before.” They were right. I have. I felt like I do now for over a year and it just got progressively worse. It began with a general dis-ease, periods of depression and wanting to leave my marriage but not knowing how. It progressed to obsessive and destructive behaviors in an attempt to try and control the uncontrollable and numb myself to my Knowing. Eventually it got to the point that I had a gun in my hand. That’s when my guidance was forced to intervene.

And if I am honest with myself, this purging is scaring me just like it did before and during the time I was in Alaska. I know what I want to do, just like I knew back then. And just like back then I am resisting it. If I do find hope it is dashed by destructive thoughts, thoughts that seem intent on my demise. Where do these thoughts come from? I don’t know, but I had one yesterday and it led to the purging last night.

Earlier in the evening I had a phone conversation with my husband. I tried to explain some of what I realized and wrote about in yesterday’s post to him but he just was not hearing what I was saying. He talked me in circles like he normally does. I don’t know if he does it on purpose but I called him out. It always seems like he is trying to prove to me how wrong I am and how right he is. And he is so persuasive and reasonable that it makes me think he is right and I must be wrong even if I am determined that I won’t be swayed by anything he says.

After we hung up I had the thought that he was right and I was selfish and stupid to go after what I wanted. The internal dialogue was something like this: “You want to have a common purpose with your soulmate. You have one. Your children.” Then I said, “But I feel unfulfilled.” The thought in reply was, “You will only get more of the same if you make changes. It is pointless.” I remember my heart sinking the minute I considered it. It is likely that no matter what I do, it will bring me right back to where I am now because there is something wrong with me, something I’m unable to see, that has me in this miserable repetitive loop.

This put me instantly into misery and hopelessness. The thoughts were like being stabbed over and over again.

Prior to all this I had resolved to work toward answering the question I had posed at the end of yesterday’s post – How do I get from where I am now to where I want to be? I saw what I needed to do and was ready to do it. After both conversations (internal and external), doubt crept in and I felt stupid for even considering making changes to my life.

Today I have this weird feeling in my stomach. It doesn’t hurt but is there. My heart has been active on and off all day. I feel physically and mentally exhausted. Emotionally I am just numb.

I am not stupid. I see what my guidance wants me to see. It is obvious. The past is repeating itself and I feel unable to stop it. I can choose to let circumstances force me to make a decision or I can choose to make the decision myself, therefore giving myself more control over the outcome. Why is it that I always seem to choose the forced option? Cowardice? Yep. The truth is, the outcome will likely be the same whether I choose action or am forced into action. One is just more painful than the other. Maybe I like pain? lol

Note: I almost didn’t write this post but felt I needed to. So be it. ❤

Anxiety Issues

Another reprieve this morning. No tears. However, yesterday I had a sudden, low blood sugar induced panic attack at the gym. I nearly passed out in the midst of exercising! It was super scary, more than the other times. After this incident I had a headache and felt off for a good three hours.

In considering these scary events I’ve concluded that it is the gym environment that is to blame. I exercise with the same or greater intensity at home and have not once – ever – experienced what happens to me at the gym. In fact, I have exercised with even less food in my system and not had any issue. Yet for some reason at the gym I suffer these “attacks”. What exactly it is about the gym is hard to say. Likely it is the energy of other people combined with the drive home that contributes. My mind goes into “what if” mode inducing the panic and from there it snowballs. Yesterday my thoughts preceding the incident were, “I haven’t eaten enough today. I should have stayed home.” Followed by memories of previous incidents and worries over passing out in a public place. Within a minute of these thoughts my heart rate skyrocketed and I began to lose my vision. So it wasn’t the low blood sugar in and of itself that was the cause.

Anxiety/panic is not a normal for me, but at one point in my spiritual journey I suffered from panic attacks quite frequently. In the early stages, right after I began meditating consistently, I sometimes had panic attacks while meditating and would often wake up with them. These were so bad I literally thought I was dying from a heart attack – chest pains, shortness of breath, pounding heart – the works. Later, from 2011-2013, when I was suffering from major insomnia, I would have panic attacks while driving home from work. Those are super scary! Yesterday, after making it home, the panic remained for a couple of hours and I experienced a similar anxiety to an episode in 2012 where it felt like I was leaving my body via my crown. It is not a typical fainting feeling but more like being sucked upward with such velocity that it terrifies me. I really, really hate it.

Yesterday left me feeling very shaky and concerned. So, I think I will be avoiding the gym for a while, maybe permanently. 😦

Dreams

You would think after such a busy afternoon that I would be exhausted come evening. Well, I was, but I slept super light and woke frequently. I have been awake since 5am. Throughout the night I had vivid dreams.

I spent most of the night traveling by airplane (rising to a new level). In one instance I was in line to buy a ticket (new start) to South America (resolution of conflict). I was with a group discussing my options. They wanted me to join them but I was hesitant. I didn’t want to leave my children, specifically my middle child and oldest son. What is funny is that I swear we were in India. This dream lasted the entire first part of the night and left me feeling split between my spiritual family and my Earth family.

In the next dream I was actually in an airplane traveling home. I decided mid-flight that I wanted to go to a Disney (seeking happiness) theme park and was looking up the locations across the world. I found one in Wisconsin of all places. On a whim I decided to visit. I arrived almost as soon as I made the decision. This “Disney” was not a theme park but more of an aquarium exhibiting sea life. I recall picking up a toy sea turtle (emotionally reserved) while there.

On my way home I realized I lost my debit card (careless, concerned about security) and went into a panic. I had to buy another ticket and recall calming down when I realized I had a credit card and cash. Yet the anxiety “woke” me up and I spent what seemed like hours in the in-between trying to figure out where my debit card was. lol

I entered yet another dream where I was a child (inner child) in a library (seeking knowledge). I recall seeing myself wearing a skirt hiked up enough to reveal my underwear (femininity). Then I was on the floor using a piece of chalk to write a message to myself. I can’t recall the whole message but it said something about a meeting on Thursday. I had thought it was Tuesday but changed it last minute. Later, I erased it to not get in trouble by the librarian but a little girl came by and said, “So you are meeting on Tuesday?” I said, “No, Thursday the 18th.”

Then I was in a bedroom sitting at a double desk. On the left I saw a dying beetle (end of destructive influences) on its back, legs still twitching. I told my sister that since it was on her side of the desk that she had to dispose of its body. I was told by a guide later that it was upsetting to her to have to kill it and I saw her flushing it down the toilet.

When I finally awoke the message about the meeting came to mind suddenly. I thought, “Today is Thursday the 18th.” Yet I recall that the dream was referring to next week because I remember seeing it on the calendar. I also know that Tuesday is accurate and in checking the date it coincides with the message about the 23rd I received recently. As I mulled this over I received a vivid vision that shocked me into full wakefulness. My Companion presented me with a brilliantly colored hot air balloon (elevation, rising above depression) whose basket was filled to the brim with brightly colored balls (wholeness).

I couldn’t go back to sleep after that.

It appears that next week will be an eventful one for me.

OBE: Meeting the Marlboro Man

Feeling somewhat more myself today after two days of emotional purging. The feeling didn’t level out until yesterday afternoon. I’m sure there’s an astrological explanation but I’ve not searched for one. I’m just happy to feel more balanced.

Prior to bed, feeling a bit worse for wear, I requested a reprieve. I said, “A lucid dream or OBE would be nice, please.” Anything’s better than waking up crying IMO. I heard from my Companion, “I will come to you.” I told him, “That’s what you said last night and you were a no-show. I don’t believe you.” I don’t know if he showed up, actually, I forgot most of my dreams upon waking, but he can affect that and he knows it. He repeated that I would be seeing him. I said, “We’ll see.”

Dream: Christmas Wedding

This dream took up most of the night and even after I woke at 5am it continued once I fell asleep. I’m not going to go into too much detail but will share the important points.

I was in a church (seeking guidance) most of the dream alongside a group of family who I didn’t recognize but accepted. We were discussing my upcoming wedding (transitions) and the details of it. Thing is, I had not planned in advance and was down to three weeks before the date was set.  I had not picked out my dress, the bridesmaid’s dresses or even ordered the invitations. Yet I was meeting with everyone discussing and practicing the ceremony. I recall most vividly the woman who I was speaking with and the priest (guidance) who seemed to be the one in charge.

The part that most stands out to me is looking at a calendar and choosing the date of the ceremony. I said, “Why don’t we make it on Friday?” I pointed to it on the calendar and someone said, “The 17th? That sounds good.” Yet in 2017 the 17th falls on a Sunday. I became somewhat lucid, remembering I was already married and it confused me. There was discussion about eloping and avoiding all the planning and guests.

I woke up then and was upset mostly because the dream seemed to indicate to me that the Union of masculine and feminine that I had been told to expect this summer would be in December. This is in fact the second dream indicating December, 2017, is significant. It did not make me happy to know I had six more months to wait. I prefer the three weeks like in the dream!

The second half of the dream I took it over and so it was about my current marriage (entering new phase) and vow renewal became the topic and the date shifted to April 21st which is the day we met 10 years ago.

virus

OBE: Computer Virus

I woke briefly, still in a sour mood over the dreams, and requested to go OOB. The next thing I recall is sitting at a desk in a darkened room. In front of me was a computer screen. Around me were many other people, most in the shadows. I knew I was dreaming and took control almost immediately. My computer screen flickered and adware popped up, freezing the screen. It was some kind of virus (feeling out of control). I had to shut down the computer. I then turned to the man sitting next to me, warning him about the virus. I recognized him as an ex-classmate. He had a laptop and it also had the adware on it but the game was playing and locked his keyboard. I told him to shut it down (resolve the problem), which he did, and we talked a bit. The only thing I remember saying is that my desktop was 10 years old and was faster than his laptop. lol

I looked around and saw the room was full of people. I felt very cheerful and curious and went up to people, tapping them to get them to turn around so I could see them. Eventually I came to a woman who I thought I recognized. I asked her, “Are you related to the Skero family?” She thought on it and said she might be. I told her I had a classmate named Michelle. We talked a while and I was sure I knew her. Since the woman was at the computer I turned and saw the same adware on the screen. The image began to flicker and my last memories are of feeling sucked up into the screen. I must have stared at it too long.

OBE: Meeting Linda

I briefly felt a shift back to my body and within moments shifted back OOB. I was back in the darkened computer room next to the woman who I felt so familiar with. I ventured out of the room and found myself standing in my mother’s living/kitchen area. The lights were on and golden and the room was full of children (looking to satisfy hopes/desires) of all ages playing and seeming to be having a party. A group was gathered by the front door in front of a large T.V. and another group was to my right. It was noisy but the ambiance was golden and full of laughter. I could see some adults to my left observing the scene. I believe there were three and though they were older they appeared to be in their teens or twenties.

My friend was standing to my right and I turned to her. We both seemed very short for some reason. I could see her brown hair and her face. She was smiling and at ease. I turned to her and in fully recognizing her as one of my guides I hugged her and said, “I remember your name now. Melinda. It’s Melinda.” With a short laugh she said, “Yes. Me-Linda but I go by Linda.” I briefly remembered other encounters with her, other OBEs and experiences in this body where she had been present. It was a surreal feeling and it disoriented me to think of this body/life and I was pulled back into my body.

mm

OBE: Meeting the Marlboro Man

I felt firmly back in my body and was talking to someone. I don’t recall what was said but at some point I realized I had not fully returned to the physical. With this realization I simply stepped out of my body and into the brightly lit living room I had been in previously. There was barely a noticeable shift in doing this and I briefly thought I had been mistaken and was awake.

The room was once again very brightly lit. I don’t think I have ever seen so much light in my mom’s living/kitchen area. Children were everywhere and the colors they wore seemed to explode in my vision like fireworks – red, orange, white, yellow, purple, blue. Mostly there was red and yellow. In considering it now I am not sure the colors were from their clothing, either. I think I was seeing their Light.

They were all gathered to my right in front of a large screen. A young girl had made a video and everyone was watching it, proud of her accomplishment. I walked into the center of the room and looked at the screen. I could see images on it but heard/felt I should not focus on the screen. So, I continued to the door and put my hand on it. I asked, “Can I go outside?” I felt it was okay and with that the door vanished and I was standing outside.

It was bright outside but the sky was overcast. I felt elated to be standing there even though it was my mom’s front yard, a place I find myself frequently when OOB. I felt the sensation of snow hitting my arms and looked up. It was snowing! I was super excited about it, but then in Texas it rarely snows. lol I remember saying aloud, “It’s snowing!!” I let it hit my bare arms and looked around as it dusted the ground and then melted (releasing repressed emotions) just as quickly. In front of me, barring my path, were structures made of lumber (need for a fresh start). When I saw them I thought, “Christmas trees” (familial relationships) and felt my mom had put them there. In my memory I still see them but they looked like the frames of pyramids (change will occur over short time), each of them a few feet taller than me. They had no lights or ornaments so I’m not sure why I thought them Christmas trees.

I wandered to my left and saw the ground was flooded (emotional issues/tension), the standing water moving like a small river. It was clear (clear emotions) and I walked into it. I felt the cold on my bare feet (self-identity) and laughed, kicking and splashing water. It was no deeper than my ankles. I continued and found more standing water, each pool flowing into the next. The whole yard was flooded it seemed.

I looked up and asked if I could fly. I heard/felt it would be okay so I lifted myself up into the sky and took off. I stopped and soared over the swollen ground. I was high enough to see the entire landscape and it no longer resembled my mother’s place. I could see a vast, shallow lake formed by the flood surrounded by coniferous forest. The water was crystal clear. I noticed a small child (inner child perhaps?) curled up on a tiny piece of land in the center. I wanted to turn back but knew not to and so continued on.

While I was flying I could sense I was not alone but I could see no one. I had a thought that if I wanted they would show themselves. In my mind I was even conversing with them, but I can’t recall what I said now. I had turned back and was hovering in the sky feeling weightless and focusing on the energy with me. I don’t know why but I knew there was a rope (safety line?) being thrown to me. I reached into the empty sky and sure enough I felt a rope there. I grabbed hold of it. I was laughing and full of joy. I felt so free of all worry and the heaviness of life. I could have stayed there forever.

Within moments of grabbing onto the rope I felt I would soon meet whoever was with me. I dared him to grab/hug me. And with that I felt him embrace me from behind. He said, “Here I am” in a deep voice. I laughed out loud and fell into the embrace. No fear or concern. Pure trust.

My vision blacked for a brief moment, or maybe I closed my eyes while relishing the feeling of the embrace. When I opened my eyes I was standing face-to-face with my Companion. We were standing under and against a huge oak tree (wisdom and prosperity). His arms were wrapped around my waist and my hands were resting on his shoulders. We were very close, only inches separated us.

I said, “I knew you were there all along!” He laughed and I took a really good look at his face. I could see all the fine lines and details of it. He did not look like I had ever remembered seeing him, though, yet at the same time he was familiar. His hair was brown as were his eyes and he had a bushy, brown mustache. I reached up and touched his cheek and traced his lips with my finger. I gently parted his lips to see his teeth, though I’m not sure why. He opened his mouth a bit and I even saw his tongue which looked to be speckled with little black specks that reminded me of pepper.

I tried to memorize his features as best I could but was distracted by a distinct smell. It was the smell of alcohol. I looked at him and said, “Did you use to drink?” In considering this now, I think the alcohol smell is a message to me that I’m trying to escape certain issues rather than confront them.

I don’t remember his reply, but I know he replied because I remember the timbre of his voice. It was deep and familiar. Just hearing it brought a feeling of satisfaction. I wish, wish, wish I could have recorded it.

I came back to my body flooded with memories of the first time I saw Steven (my Companion) in my mind’s eye. He presented himself to me as a cowboy with a mustache riding a horse. I use to call him the Marlboro Man jokingly because that is what he looked like in my mind. In this OBE meeting he looked exactly like that! Ha!

I also heard a song and remember that it was in the background of the OBE while I was flying. Why I didn’t notice it at the time, I don’t know, but the melody followed me back to my body along with the words, “By the look in my eyes….” I asked my husband if he knew the song and it didn’t take him long to figure it out and play it for me.

You should’ve seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was somethin missing
You should’ve known by the tone of my voice, maybe
But you didn’t listen
You played dead
But you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissin
And though I know all about those men
Still I don’t remember
Cause it was us baby, way before then
And we’re still together
And I meant, every word I said
When I said that I love you I meant
That I love you forever

When I read the lyrics I laughed because the woman he’s talking about does sound like me – playing “dead”, not listening, “all coiled up and hissin'”. I’ve been dealing with lots of anger and when I’m angry I can get resentful/vengeful. Not pleasant but thankfully I have learned to control that reaction. The anger is the result of not confronting the real emotion underneath. Thus, all the grief I’ve been dealing with lately.

Funny how I always get these old songs from my Companion. This one was released in 1980-81. I was just four or five years old back then.

 

Emotional Purging Returns

After a couple of nights of no tears the break is over. I was up most of the night in tears. I suppose I should count myself blessed being I’m not sick and had the two day reprieve.

The dreams started early in the night and this time I remember all of them and the reasons for my tears. I believe the better dream recall stems from a mixture of a lower dosage of Benadryl and taking 200mg of B6 prior to bed. B6 is known to help with dream recall. I have been taking the Benadryl for weeks because of my lingering cold symptoms and difficulty falling to sleep. Typically it does not lower dream recall or decrease the chance of having an OBEs. In fact, when I had my most recent OBE I took 25mg of Benadryl. However, I sleep lighter when I don’t take it.

Dream: Injustice

In this dream I was watching a drama unfold at a warehouse location (memories). The boss was giving the employees their instructions for the day. A couple of them posted a sign about him on the store doors. It was discovered and they were punished. The sign told untruths about their boss, some very nasty ones, too. I watched as more and more employees were joining the first two and undermining their boss behind his back. They did everything you can imagine – talked about him, purposefully made him look bad, ignored instructions, lied, etc. They were malicious, cold and plain nasty. I watched as the boss saw this happening and was beside himself with upset and unable to do anything about it. There was nothing wrong with him, either, it was just that two men decided to hate him and make his life miserable and got others to join them. I could feel all his upset and it became as if my own.

Toward the end of the dream I entered the dream and tried to defend the man. The whole thing was just so unfair and wrong. I remember telling someone about how I felt and how I could identify with the man’s plight. This is when I began to cry in heaving sobs. It was not tears for me but for the cruelty suffered by anyone in similar circumstances. I did have memories of my own upsets and relived the feelings I had during those times. I saw how I protected myself from it by withdrawing from most social circles.

When I woke up my eyes were pouring tears. It was 11am and I had not been asleep very long yet the dream seemed to have lasted forever. I remember saying to my guidance, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” When I was calmer I heard a voice say, “We want you to stay.” I realized I was in the in-between when I felt/saw one of my guides reach across a table and take my hand in his own. I then saw I was sitting at a round table and my Council was sitting all around me. The table was open in the middle and that is where I was seated. When looking at the table from above it would resemble a crescent moon.

We talked for a short while about my options. I won’t go into detail about them now but they have to do with the upcoming vertical alignment I am preparing for.

tears

Dream: Loss

In this dream I was at work orientation. I was obviously a school counselor at a school campus. Part of the orientation was to take a math quiz (self analysis) in order to assess our readiness to help the students with the state mandated testing. I had gotten mine late and when the principal came around to check our progress she took mine and wrote in black pen comments that were very rude and unprofessional. I was shocked and ended up cheating off a fellow teacher (feeling insecure) to get it done but even the copying proved difficult. The problems were very complex.

Feeling upset and wanting to get away, I went to hide in the bathroom (renewal). I was reconsidering my decision to work there. For some reason I was completely naked (fear of being discovered). I noticed an orange (out-going nature), sticky substance was all over me and I could not get it off. A man came in and told me it came from the sinks. Before I could be surprised that he was there the bathroom was full of people, both male and female. I was the only one without clothes but no one seemed to notice and I didn’t seem to care.

Then I went into the lounge and saw they had loads of fresh squeezed mandarin orange juice (energy/vitality). I saw it and mentioned that I should make marmalade for them. Entire memories of my last temporary job came to me at this time.

Then I was called to a meeting with the principal. She was very stern with me and gave me an agenda. I was working part-time and she was making sure my time was filled with productivity. There was a feeling that she was suspicious that I was slacking. She told me that she wanted me to give a presentation on loss. She then showed me another counselor who was doing such a presentation. The man was praying (humility) with a student. In the prayer he requested help for the child and his family. I was shocked that he was allowed to pray in school and became distraught when I felt the emotion of the family he was praying for.

I woke up in tears. There was a feeling that I was being asked to consider continuing my work as a counselor. I did not want this and was rejecting the idea. However, there is no indication of such a request. I think I was being asked to evaluate past experiences. The tears came from the end of the dream. I recognized that I have suffered huge loss in this life, loss that never was quite resolved. I also felt extremely lonely. My guidance pointed this out to me saying, “You are lonely.” The homesick feeling was very strong.

Dream: Test

In this dream I was with a couple of groups. The first was made of two men. Both had been drinking heavily (reaching new level of awareness) and one had vomited (letting go) and was cleaning it up. The second group was made of two women and they were going with me to a job interview situation. One woman was needing the job badly and talking about her financial situation. She was young and inexperienced. When we got to the location we were asked to take a test (self-analysis). The tests were on computers. After we were seated we began the test. I knew I had to pass all four sections but I was very nervous. Things kept distracting me. For example, I found several pairs of socks (yielding to others) on the desk, only one pair was mine. Another distraction was the woman sitting next to me. I remember us talking about our eyes and her saying she had a rare and special condition. I can’t recall it now but I do remember looking into her brown eyes for a long time. They were speckled with gold and very unique.

Eventually I was told to log off and given a slip of paper to come in and finish my exam. I asked why and was told it was lunch time. I got irritated at the proctor because the others were still taking their tests. I asked, “Why do they get to stay?” She wouldn’t answer. I realized it was because they were almost done and I was far from done. I stormed out of the building telling then I would not be able to come during the week like they wanted me to and likely would never finish the test.

When I got outside I climbed onto a little moped and drove off. Unfortunately, one of my tires went flat (feeling emotionally flat/tired) leaving me with only two. I remember seeing the tire very vividly as it literally fell off the third wheel.

The last thing I recall was sitting in a movie theater facing a group of kids. They were talking about going out and getting drunk. I remembering thinking I could use a drink, too, but knowing better.

Memories

I woke between each of these dreams and was unable to fall asleep for some time afterward. After the last dream I just stayed awake. While in between dreams I was given messages in the form of visions and music. The main visual I recall was seeing the number 11 very vividly. It started out small, like in the distance, and then got larger and large, closer and closer.

Several songs came to mind. The first two came simultaneously into my mind. This was after I woke from the first dream and was quite upset.

I was hearing, “You are beautiful, no matter what they say” simultaneously with, “I will wait, I will wait for you.” Two completely different songs superimposed in my mind.

The last song came after the second dream and before the third. It returned after I woke from the third as well. The part that kept repeating was, “I wanna dance with somebody. I wanna feel the heat with somebody. I wanna dance with somebody, somebody who loves me.” I suspect this song message is about the Kundalini “dance” of masculine and feminine energies. I have a brief memory from early on in the night where I felt the Kundalini energy throughout my mid-section. It was a pleasant, whirling feeling that, had I been more lucid, would likely have been quite intense and difficult to manage.

Identity

I was hit hard with emotion last night. Woke up three times in tears. None of the dreams really make much sense but I remember every one of them.

Dream: Returning the Hostages

There is a whole backstory to this dream that I will shorten. I didn’t dream it. I knew it in the dream. A group of colonists had encountered a group of Natives. The Natives took a woman and her daughter and the colonists were up in arms over it. Where I recall the dream is when the exchange occurred. The colonists were handing over two wolves in exchange for the woman and child. I remember the wolves most vividly. They were snarling and nasty and seemed almost like trained attack dogs the way they acted. I don’t remember seeing the woman and child. My focus was on the Natives for the most part.

What is odd is that I was able to take on the perspectives of both groups. I could feel the colonist’s outrage and how they thought the Natives inhuman savages. Similarly, I could feel the Natives and their upset over the colonist’s insistence that they return the woman and child. They believed they were helping the woman and child, not abducting them.

I don’t remember what triggered the tears (the wolves?) but I woke up sobbing. It was a heart-wrenching grief that seemed to have no source.

Dream: Funeral

I was attending a funeral in Katy, Texas for a woman who had died. I remember following a road and hearing about her life and all the people who would miss her. There was an old man with me who was talking but I only recall him as a presence.

We arrived at the burial. It was under a huge tent and people crowded around. Part of the ceremony involved everyone sharing a memory of her. I heard them all and there were more than I could count. Hundreds maybe.

The lady who had died, I think her name was Geraldine, had asked that 100 balloons be released after she was buried. Everyone held a balloon and began to let them go one by one. I backed up and out from under the tent. I could feel a light rain on my shoulders but the sun was shining. I looked up in the sky watching as the balloons were released. They were all colors. Some in bunches and some singletons. It was the most spectacular site.

Then came the feeling. It is indescribable really but if I had to compare it to something it would be akin to the feeling one has after they have traveled a very a long, lonely and difficult journey and finally made it back home to the ones they love. It was pure jubilation mixed with an overwhelming sense of freedom and peace. And there was love coming from every single person there. The love from them all hit me full in the chest. It said, “Welcome home. You are loved.” I stood there, letting the love in, sobbing uncontrollably. I saw the balloons in the sky begin to morph into the forms of animals as I cried. They seemed to come to life and run across the sky. The last ones I saw looked to be from the ocean – sharks, fish, sting rays, etc.

When I woke I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn’t understand it. I asked my guidance, “What is happening to me?” It felt as if I was being called. It felt like I was holding on, not letting go. I was beside myself with upset. Why can’t I let go?

Dream: Beach

I was standing and facing the ocean. The beach and cloudless seemed to go forever in both directions. I wanted to run into the water but I didn’t. I just stared at it. I could feel people around me but I couldn’t see them. I asked to see them. An outline of a person appeared to my right. I could see right through him but I could also see him. When I saw him I hugged him. I heard, “You have to let go.” I began to feel emotional. It was like I was grieving but I don’t know what for. Then I felt the others around me. There were thousands all there on the beach with me. All of them completely see-through, as if they were one with the surroundings but I could also see the outline of each of their forms. It felt like they wanted me to go into the ocean. To let it take me. To drown. To surrender completely to it.

I began to cry again and it woke me up. The tears stopped and I was confused. I asked again, “What is going on?” I heard, “Identity.” Then I knew. I have to surrender it all. To let go of everything, even my own identity. How do I even do that?

Identity

After I awoke I lost a good portion of what I had dreamed. This is common-place for me now. I don’t know why but my dreams just don’t stick around like they use to. It’s okay, though. I am not needing to remember them really. Once I wake and shift back into this reality all that goes along with my dream experiences – the crying, grief, upset – disappears as if it was never there. What remains is a feeling that something profound is on the horizon for me and many others like me. This is intensely transformative stuff. The kind that leaves in its wake change and movement like never before.

I received the message, “Identity”, a few nights ago as well. I didn’t know what to think of it. At the time I thought it meant that I was taking on a new identity. Now I know it means I have to strip myself of my identity. But how do I do that? Without identity what is left? Nothingness?

I suppose it would be the same as when one dies. When we die we leave behind the person we were in life. We discard it completely. But then that is a normal part of the process right? But if we are not actually experiencing the loss of our physical body then would it even be possible to discard the identity connected to it? And then, say we were able to do that, what then?

As I write this I am reminded that a portion of a song came to mind this morning when I was wondering what was going on. It’s from the Ingrid Michaelson song Afterlife again but the only part I heard was, “To live a brand new start.” I suppose that we have to let go of the identity we created in order to start over, to live a new life. Why does that scare me so much? Ugh.

Another Reset and June Graduation

Despite feeling better, I still have lingering cold symptoms that just will not go away. It would be nice to feel 100% again. This prolonged illness is taking its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Since I felt better yesterday I attempted a trip to the gym. It didn’t go well and I had to come home early. It wiped me out. However, on the way home a familiar song came on that made me smile. You may know it if you are a child of the 80’s like I am. 🙂

Instantly I was taken to a time and place I had long ago forgotten. At that time in my life, my parents were divorced and my dad would take us on the weekends. He often took us to a particular skating rink. I’m not sure but I think he may have been part owner of it which makes sense because he was dabbling in many business ventures at the time. Anyway, I literally felt transported to a moment in my life around 1985. I was on the skating rink, multicolored lights were flashing and I could hear the above song playing loudly. It was just a brief moment from my life back then but it was vividly clear. One of those brief childhood reprieves in a very tumultuous time in my life. I can still remember everything about that skating rink from the rink itself to the arcade and the skate rental. My dad would leave us there all day while he went off and did others things. And even though I was especially traumatized during that time in my life (emotionally disturbed even) that memory is a cherished one.

I don’t know about you, but for me, each phase of my life has music attached to it in some way. Like the song above, that particular time in my life – 7-9yrs old, parents divorcing, moving to a new home, etc – is accompanied by specific music. When I hear the music it takes me back almost instantly to that time in my life. It is like I organize and categorize my life based upon the music I listened to. lol As I get older it seems to be even more pronounced. I even adjust my Ipod music selection now intentionally to block or encourage certain memories/life phases. When I feel I am ready to let go of a certain time, I delete all songs connected to it. Then later, when I feel ready to reminisce or when it is time to deal with whatever is left of those times, I find myself drawn to play songs from that time period again. When the emotional reaction to the music is gone, meaning I can listen and just enjoy the music for what it is, then I know I have handled whatever lingering issues there are from those time periods. The fact that I smiled when I heard the above song is positive. That was a very, very rough time in my life. Horrible, actually.

Avoidance

As you may have figured from yesterday’s post, my guidance is pushing me to action again. Action meaning that I need to make some changes in my life. I am hearing specifically, “What do you want?”, “Think about your life”, “It is TIME” and my favorite (not), “Are you ready to work?”

All of these except the last were common messages from my guidance back in 2011-2013. Back then I was in an especially horrible work situation, family and marriage were in upheaval, and I was miserable. It was like a mini-mid-life crisis. Just thinking about this time period and I get a song in my mind (yep!). This particular song was, It’s Time by Imagine Dragons. There’s that message literally in my face – IT’S TIME.

A little about me. 🙂 When I get to where I feel unhappy, bored or just generally dissatisfied with my life I typically bring in more doingness as a distraction. At that time I opted to get my Master’s degree and start weight lifting and transforming my body. I was doing this all with two young children, working a full-time stressful job, and other issues I was unwilling to confront. I tend to get myself so busy that I have no time to think or contemplate. It’s a great avoidance technique.

So where did this avoidance get me? Nowhere really. Yeah, I got a master’s degree which got me out of my stressful job situation only to lead me smack dab into another one. lol I also got a great looking fit, healthy body only to end up unexpectedly pregnant. Big LOL. All my hard work only led me back to where I started.

Back to present day. Here I am receiving similar messages. Here I am feeling similarly about my life. Here. I. Am. WTF, right?

We repeat lessons until they are learned. In fact, just yesterday I was thinking, “I need to find something to fill my time. To keep me occupied.” This is my avoidance technique at its best. In fact yesterday I was thinking, “Maybe I should look for a full-time job.” But just the idea of it made me feel exhausted and deflated. In the past I would steamroll over such a feeling. Now I can’t do that. How do you steamroll over a huge wall?

Since my normal avoidance techniques don’t seem to be working I am left not really knowing what to do. Maybe that is the point.

Reset

So to the heading of this section: Reset. It just came to me out of the blue and I thought that maybe I should check and see how many times I have written about a reset in this blog. Turns out it’s 2. And guess what? They are all spaced about a year apart from each other. Take a look: January 2015 and March 2016. HA! And I’m pretty sure I wrote about a reset in my older blog, I just couldn’t find it under that keyword and I’m too lazy to look further.

Last year I had been sick and going through a reset. It was caused by the Kundalini. In fact, both reset periods were linked to the Kundalini. I suspect this one is, too. I don’t remember any significant Kundalini episodes but this is likely because I have been sleeping so deeply. All I can remember is my root expanding once and some hazy recollections of energy in my upper chakras.

When I go through these periods my spiritual experiences slow down and I usually end up feeling similar to how I feel right now. Message: This is just a phase and it will not last forever. Allow it and breathe.

mailbox-green1

Dream: June Graduation

One more thing. I had a brief dream this morning. In it I was at my mom’s house but my sister and her husband had built a house close by. I was obviously confronting a potential outcome of the current situation, that my mom will give in and build my sister and her family a home next to theirs. She actually mentioned this to me the last time I visited. I was telling my mom in the dream that she was enabling them and I was feeling very disturbed by how things were unfolding.

Then I was with my brother up by the front gate of my grandparent’s property. We were looking at a green mailbox and talking. He held up in front of me a giant calendar. It was as tall as he was and very vivid. The calendar front had information about his upcoming graduation on it. The calendar itself was of the month of June and the majority of the month was blocked out except for the last four days. I could see those days distinctly and knew these were the days of the graduation preparations and commencement.

Green mailbox – An important message is about to be received. Green = positive change and hope.

When I woke up the first thing on my mind was knowing that my sister and her family would likely be living on my mother’s property permanently. I wanted to be pissed about it but immediately thought, “That is likely what my sisters thought about me when my mom gave me 2 acres next to her and I built a home and linked to her water well.” My upset dissolved and I was just left with a sadness for the situation that I knew was about to unfold. I saw how my mom needed to feel needed and my sister provided her with that. A lesson was unfolding for them and it was none of my business. In fact, at that moment I thought that I could completely disconnect from my family – mom, sisters, cousins, etc – and not have any issue with it. I wanted to move out of state and never come back and this was not to punish them but because I felt done. Weird.

Then I considered the part of the dream with my brother. I know without a doubt it was not my brother. No way. The person he represented and resembles is “family” and like my “brother”, though. And apparently he is going to “graduate” in June.

For some reason I got grumpy about this information. Maybe because it is two months away? I began to mull over disconnecting completely from this spiritual path again. Like I did in 2007. Just a total break; a hiatus. Feelings of disappointment were hard to push away. The Ego-child emerged and threw her tantrum. She is very impatient and when what she Knows and wants do not happen fast enough, she gets grumpy.

As I was feeling these feelings parts of songs came into my mind and I lightened up as I acknowledged them. The first was part of the above song – “Don’t you remember….” This repeated over and over. Okay. No, I don’t (curse word) remember! Then later I heard, “You and me, we got this. You and me we’re beautiful, beautiful….We’re gonna be alright.”

When I heard this I fell into my heart space and took a deep breath. It can be so hard to trust and so hard to navigate this life. Time is a curse to the impatient (like me).

So to my “brother” – the last four days in June are significant. You will “graduate”.