Yesterday was another purging day, though not all day just portions of it. At a particularly bad time I burst into tears because I could not bear it anymore. This purging has been off and on since November, 2016! I am nearing the end of my rope and am trying to find any solution, even 3D ones, so that it will stop. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he doesn’t understand the ascension process and will likely try to coerce me into his own solution to the problem. And I feel unable to reach out to who I want to reach out to for reasons I won’t go into.
So, I began to think my only option was a mental institution and as much medication as I could get in order to numb myself. This, however, is also not an option. I’ve tried it before and even antidepressants and antipsychotics don’t stop ascension, they just make it worse. It would take a tranquilizer to knock me out and then I would likely have traumatic dreams. Waking, sleeping – neither offers much of a reprieve.
If you have ever been up against a wall with no way out, that is how I felt at that moment. There’s nowhere to run and fighting doesn’t work. The only solution is to surrender. Ha! Tell my Ego that! lol The feeling is indescribable, too. It is not depression, but it is…kinda. Fear? Maybe. It’s too weird a feeling and one I’m not use to.
I finally felt my guidance shift closer and heard, “We will come to you.” With that I was washed in calm and all the upset seemed to trickle slowly into oblivion. The feeling of this is also indescribable. Imagine someone pouring cold water over your head to put out a raging fire. Or better yet, its like the sensation of ice water going down you throat into your stomach. A cool, calm.
Even with the calm there remained that feeling just under the surface. I realize now it’s been there all the time, most of my life I think.
Dreams and Message
I requested an uninterrupted sleep last night because I was exhausted most of the day yesterday because I was up every two hours. I did some deep breathing and laid in savasana for a while to try and settle into my heart space the best I could. My third-eye was active as was the back of my head. When the energy is strong in these areas I can feel disconnected from my body, but this didn’t happen. Instead I felt my guidance near and they reminded me that I would receive a visit.
The dream began with me entering in a building that was obviously some kind of school. I met up with the other teachers and realized quite quickly that this school was unique. One of the first things I learned was that the hours of the school were from 11am-4pm. The teachers were all selected for their mastery in a certain subject/field and all seemed pleasant and positive when I met them.
I remember sitting at a desk during a “study hour” that I was supervising. The children were all high school aged. One hugged me and it felt very comfortable.
On the second day before school there was an incident. I went to assist because that was part of my job. A father was having an argument with his son over a jelly bean. The son had snatched one and wouldn’t give it back. The dad was making threats and got out a loaded pistol, waving it in his son’s face. Somehow the gun ended up on the ground and the dad was escorted off campus. I recall discussing the incident and being told the parents of the children were struggling to transition and often would have breakdowns over mild issues.
After school let out, I overheard a teacher talking to another teacher about her spiritual experiences. She had met someone and fallen in love and had a question about why it was not working out as she would like. The connection was intense and very obviously something beyond normal human experience. They sought the counsel of a “Spiritual Geneticist”. I followed them to the geneticist’s office where she appeared to be solving a page of multiplication problems, all of them “doubles” (8×8, 6×6, etc).
As the teacher told the geneticist her story I was drawn in and they allowed me to join their conversation. The woman described the connection she felt, how it came to be and how there were others involved in the connection, too. In my memory all that remains of this information is seeing the woman in front of me and then it is like a bubble of her memory appears. In it there is another couple and a man, so three others. All of them had a connection but her connection with the man was the one she was asking about.
When I heard about her connection to the man I said, “Is he your twin?” The woman thought about it and the geneticist answered, “No, but they are very close.” With this it appeared that the woman’s love was “deceased”. His energy appeared to be in another location, like across the veil that separated her reality and his. I received information clarifying their connection. In my mind I saw an image of my brother-in-law and heard, “He is related to her like your BIL is related to you. They are all close family.” With this there was an explanation about what a Spiritual Geneticist does. It has to do with studying the energetic link (DNA) between family groups.
I remember hearing her description of part of her experience and the geneticist told her, “You are stopping it.” This was a comment in regards to the energy the woman was feeling and her reaction to it. I saw it building from her root upward and then going to her head and forming a huge cloud around it. I said to them both, “That sounds like me but I’m not stopping it.” The geneticist looked at me and said, “Yes you are. You are afraid of it.” I said, “No I’m not.” I looked at the other woman and reconsidered. I said, “Maybe I am afraid.” The geneticist explained that when the energy was not stopped (allowed) the woman would be taken Home and reunited with her family. It was explained that the love felt will make the fear and upset inconsequential.
A New Earth
Then I seemed to be transported to another location where a man and a woman were with me. They told me we were creating a new Earth. With this I saw an entire city wiped out. It was as if a a huge silver hand descended and leveled the entire world. It was replaced with a city whose buildings were constructed from the Earth. Everything was a reddish color, like terracotta. I stood at the front door to one of these dwellings. There was a small dish of water where the doorbell would normally be. Before a person entered they dipped their fingers in the dish of water. I delighted at this for some reason and said, “I would make it rose water.”
There was much discussion inside the dwelling but I don’t remember most of it now. Instead I recall seeing faces of all types – male and female, all races and ethnicities. Some are still very vivid in my mind.
This is around the time I became lucid and entered the in-between. I stayed here a while and it was as if I was inundated with information. I can’t recall the specifics but when I finally woke I felt relieved and reassured.
So much was passed on to me but most I have forgotten now (as usual). What I do recall was seeing my Companion up close. He put my hand on his face and asked, “What do you see?” When I looked closer his face appeared as energy, swirling and of all colors. It seemed silvery and iridescent but at other times was gold and specked with every color. I could also see right through him if I wanted to. He extended his hand and it also swirled with color. As he touched me my hand and arm it began to swirl with color as well.
Then I had a vision of a piece of black paper with silver writing on it. I saw clearly the words, “Rising star” and with recognition of it all the other words vanished and the words “Rising star” began to ascend from the bottom of my vision to the top. Rather than think of this as meaning I would be a “star” as in famous, I understood it as the ascension process. The message about midheaven was clarified then – I am undergoing a metamorphosis, transformation, complete overhaul of the self.
There was much discussion about family and what I am left with now is an understanding that this family is my star family. Of what origins it doesn’t matter as it feels like we have always been. I was told more than once that I will be reunited with them but I suspect this reunion is not physical but spiritual and via the rising of the Kundalini, i.e. the “vertical alignment” I was told would be occurring.
There was a reminder that I have been clearing up residuals in preparation for this alignment. I agreed to this and it is not yet complete. All I am experiencing is part of the transformation. It is difficult but achievable.
For as long as I remember in this life I have had a feeling. I feel as if I am waiting for a specific time in my life. I first felt it in my teens when it was linked directly to meeting “the one” – that’s what I called him anyway. Later in life, when seeking fulfillment in work and life in general I was drawn always to working with my life partner (“the one”). My work was not to be done alone but in partnership with this person. As my life has unfolded I married men who needed someone who supported them. I accepted this as my task but never felt fulfilled in it. Though I supported them I was never a part of the work they did but more of an outsider and completely disconnected and disinterested in their work. This disconnect feels wrong to me even now. I need to be a part of the work I do, in support of my partner via direct involvement and mutual interest.
And my disinterest in my husbands’ work is not for lack of trying. With my first husband who was in law enforcement, I wanted so much to be a part of his life purpose that I attempted several times to get a job in law enforcement. Each time I failed. With my current marriage I have done the same. Most recently asking to work from home doing some of the work he does despite knowing I would find it boring and tedious.
Funny enough, I realized all of this as I was taking the trash bin to the curb this morning. lol It was just there like I always knew it. But with this realization was a recognition that I have judged myself harshly for wanting a partner and desiring fulfillment through partnership beyond what I have come to find thus far in my life. I saw it as a weakness and failing of mine. Even now I can see how I see it as “codependency” which to me is the ultimate weakness. Depending on another for my own fulfillment and happiness? The biggest failing of them all. Yet this particular partnership is NOT that, but to someone as young and inexperienced as me (yes still), viewed via the human experience it is limited, negative and destructive.
It is only recently that this draw for such a partnership has been intensely strong to the point of causing me internal turmoil. The turmoil is directly linked to my self-criticism. Rejecting the Truth of myself, my journey, my path because at some point I saw it as “wrong” or maybe just gave up on it because it never materialized.
Have you ever done that? Given up on something you felt to be true because the external world never validated its existence?
In recognizing this Truth has been with me my entire life but that I gave up on it to the point of rejecting it as part of me was quite a realization to come all at once. It was like, “Oh my God. What if of all the things in my life this is the most important and I have been rejecting it the entire time?” And I knew in that moment that it was okay for me to accept this Truth about myself. There is nothing wrong with the feeling, the scene that I saw/felt/Knew for myself as my life and purpose. In this feeling is such a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment that in rejecting it I have squelched my own Light.
How does all this come from the dream experiences I had last night? I have no idea but I am in near tears over it right now. My heart is blazing and I am thinking, “Oh crap.” lol This comes from finally embracing the feeling and Knowing that there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with knowing my purpose is what it is despite it not fitting in with what I was taught was “right and wrong”. There is nothing wrong with this feeling which says to me, “Yes you can be happy and fulfilled.” I want to laugh at how I tried all these years to make my relationships into the partnership I knew existed but just had not found yet. I recognize that I will not feel fulfilled and accomplished in my life until I find that partnership. Anything else, any substitute, will only result in more of the same. A complete lack of fulfillment resulting from failure after failure.
The “oh crap” part is in recognizing what this breakthrough in understanding of myself could mean for me. There are still a lot of unknowns and unknowns can be scary. I don’t know what the “mutual purpose” is specifically but I am certain it is spiritual in nature. There is nothing that brings me more joy than to think that I could work in partnership with my soulmate on spiritual projects. This is my ideal and there is nothing wrong with it. The question is, will it happen? Is it even possible? And if so, how will I get from where I am now to where I want to be?