Message: Rising Star

Yesterday was another purging day, though not all day just portions of it. At a particularly bad time I burst into tears because I could not bear it anymore. This purging has been off and on since November, 2016! I am nearing the end of my rope and am trying to find any solution, even 3D ones, so that it will stop.  I can’t talk to my husband about it because he doesn’t understand the ascension process and will likely try to coerce me into his own solution to the problem. And I feel unable to reach out to who I want to reach out to for reasons I won’t go into.

So, I began to think my only option was a mental institution and as much medication as I could get in order to numb myself. This, however, is also not an option. I’ve tried it before and even antidepressants and antipsychotics don’t stop ascension, they just make it worse. It would take a tranquilizer to knock me out and then I would likely have traumatic dreams. Waking, sleeping – neither offers much of a reprieve.

If you have ever been up against a wall with no way out, that is how I felt at that moment. There’s nowhere to run and fighting doesn’t work. The only solution is to surrender. Ha! Tell my Ego that! lol The feeling is indescribable, too. It is not depression, but it is…kinda. Fear? Maybe. It’s too weird a feeling and one I’m not use to.

I finally felt my guidance shift closer and heard, “We will come to you.” With that I was washed in calm and all the upset seemed to trickle slowly into oblivion. The feeling of this is also indescribable. Imagine someone pouring cold water over your head to put out a raging fire. Or better yet, its like the sensation of ice water going down you throat into your stomach. A cool, calm.

Even with the calm there remained that feeling just under the surface. I realize now it’s been there all the time, most of my life I think.

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Dreams and Message

I requested an uninterrupted sleep last night because I was exhausted most of the day yesterday because I was up every two hours. I did some deep breathing and laid in savasana for a while to try and settle into my heart space the best I could. My third-eye was active as was the back of my head. When the energy is strong in these areas I can feel disconnected from my body, but this didn’t happen. Instead I felt my guidance near and they reminded me that I would receive a visit.

Teacher

The dream began with me entering in a building that was obviously some kind of school. I met up with the other teachers and realized quite quickly that this school was unique. One of the first things I learned was that the hours of the school were from 11am-4pm. The teachers were all selected for their mastery in a certain subject/field and all seemed pleasant and positive when I met them.

I remember sitting at a desk during a “study hour” that I was supervising. The children were all high school aged. One hugged me and it felt very comfortable.

On the second day before school there was an incident. I went to assist because that was part of my job. A father was having an argument with his son over a jelly bean. The son had snatched one and wouldn’t give it back. The dad was making threats and got out a loaded pistol, waving it in his son’s face. Somehow the gun ended up on the ground and the dad was escorted off campus. I recall discussing the incident and being told the parents of the children were struggling to transition and often would have breakdowns over mild issues.

Spiritual Geneticist

After school let out, I overheard a teacher talking to another teacher about her spiritual experiences. She had met someone and fallen in love and had a question about why it was not working out as she would like. The connection was intense and very obviously something beyond normal human experience. They sought the counsel of a “Spiritual Geneticist”. I followed them to the geneticist’s office where she appeared to be solving a page of multiplication problems, all of them “doubles” (8×8, 6×6, etc).

As the teacher told the geneticist her story I was drawn in and they allowed me to join their conversation. The woman described the connection she felt, how it came to be and how there were others involved in the connection, too. In my memory all that remains of this information is seeing the woman in front of me and then it is like a bubble of her memory appears. In it there is another couple and a man, so three others. All of them had a connection but her connection with the man was the one she was asking about.

When I heard about her connection to the man I said, “Is he your twin?” The woman thought about it and the geneticist answered, “No, but they are very close.” With this it appeared that the woman’s love was “deceased”. His energy appeared to be in another location, like across the veil that separated her reality and his. I received information clarifying their connection. In my mind I saw an image of my brother-in-law and heard, “He is related to her like your BIL is related to you. They are all close family.” With this there was an explanation about what a Spiritual Geneticist does. It has to do with studying the energetic link (DNA) between family groups.

I remember hearing her description of part of her experience and the geneticist told her, “You are stopping it.” This was a comment in regards to the energy the woman was feeling and her reaction to it. I saw it building from her root upward and then going to her head and forming a huge cloud around it. I said to them both, “That sounds like me but I’m not stopping it.” The geneticist looked at me and said, “Yes you are. You are afraid of it.” I said, “No I’m not.” I looked at the other woman and reconsidered. I said, “Maybe I am afraid.” The geneticist  explained that when the energy was not stopped (allowed) the woman would be taken Home and reunited with her family. It was explained that the love felt will make the fear and upset inconsequential.

A New Earth

Then I seemed to be transported to another location where a man and a woman were with me. They told me we were creating a new Earth. With this I saw an entire city wiped out. It was as if a a huge silver hand descended and leveled the entire world. It was replaced with a city whose buildings were constructed from the Earth. Everything was a reddish color, like terracotta. I stood at the front door to one of these dwellings. There was a small dish of water where the doorbell would normally be. Before a person entered they dipped their fingers in the dish of water. I delighted at this for some reason and said, “I would make it rose water.”

There was much discussion inside the dwelling but I don’t remember most of it now. Instead I recall seeing faces of all types – male and female, all races and ethnicities. Some are still very vivid in my mind.

This is around the time I became lucid and entered the in-between. I stayed here a while and it was as if I was inundated with information. I can’t recall the specifics but when I finally woke I felt relieved and reassured.

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Messages

So much was passed on to me but most I have forgotten now (as usual). What I do recall was seeing my Companion up close. He put my hand on his face and asked, “What do you see?” When I looked closer his face appeared as energy, swirling and of all colors. It seemed silvery and iridescent but at other times was gold and specked with every color. I could also see right through him if I wanted to. He extended his hand and it also swirled with color. As he touched me my hand and arm it began to swirl with color as well.

Then I had a vision of a piece of black paper with silver writing on it. I saw clearly the words, “Rising star” and with recognition of it all the other words vanished and the words “Rising star” began to ascend from the bottom of my vision to the top. Rather than think of this as meaning I would be a “star” as in famous, I understood it as the ascension process. The message about midheaven was clarified then – I am undergoing a metamorphosis, transformation, complete overhaul of the self.

There was much discussion about family and what I am left with now is an understanding that this family is my star family. Of what origins it doesn’t matter as it feels like we have always been. I was told more than once that I will be reunited with them but I suspect this reunion is not physical but spiritual and via the rising of the Kundalini, i.e. the “vertical alignment” I was told would be occurring.

There was a reminder that I have been clearing up residuals in preparation for this alignment. I agreed to this and it is not yet complete. All I am experiencing is part of the transformation. It is difficult but achievable.

Clarity

For as long as I remember in this life I have had a feeling. I feel as if I am waiting for a specific time in my life. I first felt it in my teens when it was linked directly to meeting “the one” – that’s what I called him anyway. Later in life, when seeking fulfillment in work and life in general I was drawn always to working with my life partner (“the one”). My work was not to be done alone but in partnership with this person. As my life has unfolded I married men who needed someone who supported them. I accepted this as my task but never felt fulfilled in it. Though I supported them I was never a part of the work they did but more of an outsider and completely disconnected and disinterested in their work. This disconnect feels wrong to me even now. I need to be a part of the work I do, in support of my partner via direct involvement and mutual interest.

And my disinterest in my husbands’ work is not for lack of trying. With my first husband who was in law enforcement, I wanted so much to be a part of his life purpose that I attempted several times to get a job in law enforcement. Each time I failed. With my current marriage I have done the same. Most recently asking to work from home doing some of the work he does despite knowing I would find it boring and tedious.

Funny enough, I realized all of this as I was taking the trash bin to the curb this morning. lol It was just there like I always knew it. But with this realization was a recognition that I have judged myself harshly for wanting a partner and desiring fulfillment through partnership beyond what I have come to find thus far in my life. I saw it as a weakness and failing of mine. Even now I can see how I see it as “codependency” which to me is the ultimate weakness. Depending on another for my own fulfillment and happiness? The biggest failing of them all. Yet this particular partnership is NOT that, but to someone as young and inexperienced as me (yes still), viewed via the human experience it is limited, negative and destructive.

It is only recently that this draw for such a partnership has been intensely strong to the point of causing me internal turmoil. The turmoil is directly linked to my self-criticism. Rejecting the Truth of myself, my journey, my path because at some point I saw it as “wrong” or maybe just gave up on it because it never materialized.

Have you ever done that? Given up on something you felt to be true because the external world never validated its existence?

In recognizing this Truth has been with me my entire life but that I gave up on it to the point of rejecting it as part of me was quite a realization to come all at once. It was like, “Oh my God. What if of all the things in my life this is the most important and I have been rejecting it the entire time?” And I knew in that moment that it was okay for me to accept this Truth about myself. There is nothing wrong with the feeling, the scene that I saw/felt/Knew for myself as my life and purpose. In this feeling is such a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment that in rejecting it I have squelched my own Light.

How does all this come from the dream experiences I had last night? I have no idea but I am in near tears over it right now. My heart is blazing and I am thinking, “Oh crap.” lol This comes from finally embracing the feeling and Knowing that there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with knowing my purpose is what it is despite it not fitting in with what I was taught was “right and wrong”. There is nothing wrong with this feeling which says to me, “Yes you can be happy and fulfilled.” I want to laugh at how I tried all these years to make my relationships into the partnership I knew existed but just had not found yet. I recognize that I will not feel fulfilled and accomplished in my life until I find that partnership. Anything else, any substitute, will only result in more of the same. A complete lack of fulfillment resulting from failure after failure.

The “oh crap” part is in recognizing what this breakthrough in understanding of myself could mean for me. There are still a lot of unknowns and unknowns can be scary. I don’t know what the “mutual purpose” is specifically but I am certain it is spiritual in nature. There is nothing that brings me more joy than to think that I could work in partnership with my soulmate on spiritual projects. This is my ideal and there is nothing wrong with it. The question is, will it happen? Is it even possible? And if so, how will I get from where I am now to where I want to be?

 

Message: Midheaven

So a 48 hour reprieve and I woke in tears again this morning. I wanted to write an extremely short post that said, “I can’t take it anymore. Goodbye.”  But then thought it might be taken the wrong way. Can’t have that, right? This agonizing, torturous whatever-it-is that I and others are going through reminds me of scenes from movies where they are torturing people to get them to confess. First they take off each finger nail, then the fingers, then the whole hand. In between the agony they make you feel like it’s going to be okay, it’s over and you can relax but just when you do they come at you smiling and say, “What’s next? How about we strangle you for a while?” lol

For some reason I am reminded of the film, The Railway Man, and the torture scenes from it. Great movie. For me to remember a movie long after I’ve watched it says something about the movie. For it to come to mind in regards to a spiritual process I am going through must mean there is a message in it. I will have to watch it again.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He left for California until the end of the week. Usually when he is gone my spiritual experiences skyrocket. I should have expected the purging to resume but had hoped for an OOB treat or maybe a visit from the heart bliss. So much for hope.

Dream

I awoke at 4:11am in pain. It felt like an IBS flare up and I had to suffer through the pain for a good 30 minutes to an hour. The pain was sharp and shot diagonally from just below my ribs all the way to the base of my spine. When I got up to use the bathroom my entire uterine area was aching just like it did when I was in labor. The pain was about a 5 out of 10, so manageable, but the discomfort was concerning. I realized that I was experiencing mittelschmerz (ovulation pain) and it was likely contributing to the IBS. FYI – neither IBS or ovulation pain is normal for me and definitely not at the same time!

Cursing my luck, I tried to sleep without much success. The pain in itself was bad enough but I was receiving Knowing/messages about the “meeting” while I was suffering through it. I don’t recall the meeting, but apparently a decision had been reached. I can’t recall specifics but I felt discouraged by it. Prior to sleep I had been asked to consider some options and specified my preferences. The decision appeared not to align with my preferences.

Somehow I fell to sleep while laying on my stomach (also unusual). I entered a vivid dream. In it I was walking along a sidewalk and a woman offered me some clothing for sale. At first I did not want it but reconsidered because I could tell she was “special”. I took the clothing and noticed she was holding two quarters in her hand and rubbing them up against each other. Her caretaker came and took her away. It was obvious she was not mentally stable.

Then I was sitting in the passenger seat of a car talking with a man. I can’t recall what he looked like now but he was dropping me off at a house. I remember noticing the clock and it was 7:12am. I told him, “It’s too early. They don’t let anyone in until 7:30.” He said, “That’s too bad. You’ll just have to wait.” He pulled up to the house behind another car. I knew the car belonged to the female home owner. The feeling from the man was that we were in a relationship but he wanted me to go. He was leaving me. I was upset about this but felt there was nothing I could do. So, I didn’t object or question him and got out of the car. As I walked toward the house he drove away.

I walked inside and the house was dark. I heard the woman ask me if I wanted anything to eat. I said I didn’t and walked toward the back of the house to my bedroom. For some reason it felt like I was going to stay there for a while – for the summer.

Inside the room I closed the door and just stood there a while. I was tired of crying, tired of trying, tired of living as if I were dying all the time. Just tired. The empty void that was my heart seemed to take over my entire body. I was like a zombie, going through the motions of living but completely dead to everyone and everything.

The entire time I was in the house a small child was with me. Sometimes the child seemed like a boy and other times like a girl. The child followed me around jabbering happily, oblivious to my plight. I seemed to exist only for this child and it reminds me very much of how I am in with my own children. If it weren’t for them I am not sure I would be alive now. They are often the only reason I get out of bed.

Also while standing there I was aware that others had arrived at the house. They were all staying there for the summer, like a summer camp. The owner and facilitator was my friend, Yvonne, and she was assigning everyone a job. I could see each “child” wearing a number and going about their assigned duties. I remained hidden in my room, though. All I wore was a nightgown, a long T-shirt.

In the room the child was still jabbering away. I saw the sun coming up through the window and realized I had to come out of my room and at least pretend to play my part. I went to the other end of the room where there were clothes hanging on a rack. I began to pick out clothing and selected a white tank top with an orange button down shirt that went over the top. There was too much clothing on my side (the right side) so I took some and put it on the other side where there were tiny clothes hanging. They appeared to be baby or toddler clothing for a little girl.

When I was dressed I looked at myself from outside myself. I wore blue jean capris that were so long that they looked like highwaters and with them I had on tennis shoes. I looked like a total dork. Normally I would fix the issue but in this case I didn’t care.

When I left my bedroom, child jabbering and following me, I entered the living area. It was dimly lit and there were three people present. I asked “Where is everyone?” I heard Yvonne say to me, “They haven’t arrived yet.” There was this young boy, maybe 12 years old, with dark skin, hair and eyes. He was talking excitedly and moving around a lot like he was hyperactive. He came up to me and mentioned the breakup with my boyfriend. Then he said, “(Unknown name) was talking about you. He said your hand smells.” I received an entire image in my mind from the boy. The person he was talking about was sitting in the back of the school bus and pointing to my right hand and laughing. The boy snickered and I looked at him like, Why do I care? I told him, “Okay. Whatever.” But in my mind I was thinking, “What the hell is that suppose to mean?” Then I realized the boy was implying that I used my right hand to masturbate. lol I got a bit disturbed then but let it go. The person who said it was just trying to make light of my situation.

I remember looking past the living room to the kitchen on the other side. I saw Yvonne in the kitchen and on the other side of the counter was a very long, oval, mahogany conference table. I recall it vividly because it was so out of place.

I sat down in the living room and the man who I thought of as Yvonne’s husband began to talk to me. He didn’t look anything like Yvonne’s husband, though. He was a teacher of higher education and had books stacked around him. He asked me some questions. The first was inquiring about school and my upcoming graduation. I told him, “I don’t need to go to school anymore.” In my mind I saw that school was officially over on May 28th but my reaction to this was upset. I was not looking forward to school being over. I had this feeling like I did in high school. You know the fear feeling of, “What do I do now? I have to go out into the world all alone! I’m terrified and don’t know what to expect. Will I even make it?”

He asked me what I was studying and I said, “Psychology.” He smiled and said he liked the subject and motioned to all his college textbooks laying around him. I said, “I didn’t keep any of my textbooks from college. I might have kept the Psychology one, though.” He asked more questions and I remember saying, “I have to tell you, I’m 40 years old. I don’t need to go to college. I already have two degrees. I graduated a long time ago”. Confessing my age seemed to be a relief to me for some reason, like I had been pretending to be a teenager in school and it was exhausting me.  I recall being asked why I was there. I said, “I’m here to help the children.” I got nothing but acceptance from the man. He and his wife told me I was welcome there as a member of their staff and I could use my knowledge and abilities to help the children.

I woke up in tears and continued to cry for a while after waking. The feeling was that I had completed a section of my journey (graduated). I was devastated, though. It felt like everything was gone; like my hands were empty when they once had been so full. I could not get the tears to stop and the pain from earlier was still present. I had stabbing pain shooting through my midsection, a stuffy nose from crying and a feeling that my entire life was over.

The part that was most upsetting was that it felt like my Companion was leaving, like that was part of the next stage. I find it ironic. Prior to my Dark Night of the Soul I told my Companion to go away and leave me alone, to stop talking to me and keep his distance. Now it seemed he was saying that to me. I despaired at the thought of him being gone again. Why would he do that to me!?

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Midheaven

As I recovered from my upset I heard distinctly, “Midheaven.” I had no clue what it meant except that it is related to the spiritual.

So what is a spiritual midheaven? Apparently it is an astrological term relating to one’s career and the type of work one will do in their lifetime. I guess I am here to “help the children” as a teacher or counselor or……psychologist? Why does this not make me feel good? Shouldn’t it?

I had to review my astrological chart to find my midheaven. Mine is in Scorpio. Just hearing Scorpio makes me shutter. I immediately think of my Dad who was a double Scorpio. Talk about intense and secretive. It took me most of my life to come to terms with my relationship with him.

This is what I found about midheaven in Scorpio:

The willpower is highly developed in the Soul with this posit. Farsighted, often clairvoyant and prophetic the Soul walks a spiritual path of adeptness. In the mundane chart, this can be the posit of true leadership but the spiritual path dictates that power and all of its human ramifications be used to reform and rehabilitate for Scorpionic power which is Plutonic in nature is projected outward to the world. This Soul recognizes its omnipotence but also knows that in the light of Collective essence it is still in its infancy. The human side of the Scorpio Midheaven knows the value of ambition but the spirit understands the basic truth of the human condition. The human side strives for transition but the spirit strives for transformation. Evolving from the Cardinal Air essence of the Libran high ground of intellectuality, the Fixed Water essence of Scorpio knows that self awareness can only come from plunging into the depths of extreme positives and negatives and facilitating change on all levels. They will transverse the muck and mire of the most hidden parts of the psyche in order to understand first their own consciousness and then the Collective Consciousness in order to transmute the suffering of both themselves and others. When the path of spiritual destiny is not being followed, human tendencies to dictate, manipulate and oppress will result in crisis upon crisis leading to alienation and possible illicit activities. ~Source

If this doesn’t make me shake in my boots, then read what this site has to say about it:

This MC can manifest in various ways: to seek depth from social or work experiences; to be called upon to undergo a personal metamorphosis; to assume a potent, transformative position in society. Those with Scorpio on the Midheaven need to assume an authentic role, one of gravitas to face – and shed light on – some of life’s darker issues and taboos; to be aware of the political play at work; to recognize that Scorpio’s natural dependency on others does not have to be a symbiotic sign of weakness, but is, in fact, indicative of a common bond and commitment. The journey is a challenging one: there are issues of crisis and life and death, creativity and destruction, major (no-)turning (back) points, and rebirths after teetering perilously on the edge of self-annihilation. The calling of a Scorpio MC is self-mastery and to emerge as a shrewd player of the game with an awareness of the power of interdependency.

Yeah, it looks like I had it in for myself when I planned this life. WTF!? How many deaths will I have to go through? And I have no idea what my “authentic” role is nor do I want to go through any more crises of life and death or (no-)turning back points.

I suspect the message in hearing “midheaven” was to alert me to the fact that these cycles are normal for me and to expect more. It may also be a warning of what is to come. That feeling in the dream reminiscent of what a high school graduate feels after graduation is reflective of the next stage of my journey. Taking what I’ve learned and going out into the big-wide world all alone.

The dream seems to be a memory of the “meeting” I had with my Council, thus the council table in the middle of the kitchen. It appears that I am tired of pretending to be someone I’m not and that I am going to get to be myself for once. My job of “helping the children” could be literal, as in my own children and children in general. However, it could also be children as in those who are in this stage of development spiritually – children of Earth. Since my career in this lifetime has been centered on education and counseling of children, it could be that I am to continue with that. I have no desire to go back to that career, though. It makes me very tired to even consider it. So, what then? I have no clue and honestly at this point I don’t care. I am too old for this shit.

 

There is no Why, It Just IS

Good morning! Hope you are all feeling well and ready to start your day with a smile. 🙂

No, I didn’t have any amazing OBEs or spiritual experiences last night. I don’t recall having a “meeting” with my Council or traveling to other dimensions. In fact, I really don’t remember much of anything from dreamtime. It was a normal day and a normal night. Nothing spectacular, nothing horrendous.

This does not mean I didn’t notice the bombing in Manchester. My prayers go out to the families affected and the nation as a whole as they try and figure out “why” such horrible acts of terrorism continue to occur in their country and the world as a whole.

The reason I am in a good mood and feeling such relief has to do with a question posed to me as I awoke this morning. A simple question asking me to reflect on the similarities between dreams and waking reality. The questions my guidance asks of me are always simple yet the answers to them quite profound in their effect on me.

What Preceded the Question

When I awoke my thoughts went to a specific situation that continues to haunt me. It follows me throughout the day and often comes up in my dreams. I can’t rid myself of it and can’t figure out why – why certain events happened, why I can’t move past it, why, why, why. In other words, I am stuck in a “why?”.

I am a problem solver by nature. I thrive on solving problems and am good at it. My mind is analytical by nature. I can’t help it – Leo sun, Sag moon and Aquarius rising (I blame the air sign for it, though lol). Therefore, I am at my best when put into situations where there is a problem to resolve. I excel at figuring out the “why” in all situations, my own and others. My favorite is solving other people’s problems, though they don’t always want me to or like it when I do.

So, when I encounter a situation where I can’t answer why it happened I get frustrated. In my mind, there has to be a “why” and if there isn’t then it must be because I am doing something wrong. No answer = my fault or failing. Eventually, when no answer is found I fall into apathy and grief. I accept that I failed, that I must have missed something important and that my grade is a big fat “F”.

When I woke this morning there was a certain clarity that I have often awakened with concerning this particular issue. I felt acceptance and relief momentarily but not before I also recognized that this feeling did not match the unresolved situation. My mind went into overdrive thinking, “Wait. This is wrong. I have to know the “why” and haven’t found it.” Then the feelings of apathy and grief came in but not like usual. They were in the background as if to be noticed but not fully felt.

The Question

That’s when the teachable moment presented itself, though I didn’t realize it at the time. My guidance came through and said, “Think about your dreams.”

The last dream of the evening came to me suddenly and I went through it scene by scene. It was a dream about a party where my husband was suppose to mow (reevaluation is needed) the lawn but disappeared. I went looking for him, walking through very tall grass (reliability) flooded with water (emotion). I walked past a recently watered garden (spiritual/inner growth) that was wilting and mostly dead (neglect) and found him working on the mower (keep up appearances), fixing it. I continued past him.

I never saw the lawn mowed. Instead I jumped to another scene. I had gotten into a car and was driving down a four lane highway through a mountain overpass. I could see the cliffs on either side towering over me, rugged mountains in the distance and the blue sky high above. I remember thinking as I was driving, “Where am I going? Why am I doing this?” The answer I gave myself was, “I don’t know and I don’t care. I am just driving.” Thoughts entered wondering about my husband and family. “What will they think?” I was worried about their reaction. My response was, “It will be okay. I can turn around at any time. There are exits all along the road. There is one just over the hill and one after that.” Note: One of the first things my husband told me this morning was, “I need to mow the lawn this weekend. The grass is getting too tall.” HA!

This entire dream came to mind and I thought nothing of it because it seemed to have nothing to do with anything.

Then my guidance asked me, “Does it mean anything?” I said, “No.” But then I understood. It was like a flood of memory came to me. Perhaps we had been discussing this all night?

The word “meaning” seemed to echo in my mind. Then I had the ah-ha moment. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything? Maybe there is no “why”?

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It Just IS

I didn’t linger in bed very long after that. It was clear to me. When we dream do we spend hours, days, months even, contemplating the dream, wondering about it’s meaning or the “why” of it? No. I might spend a couple of hours at most but then my attention goes elsewhere and I usually forget about it. Yet in this waking reality when we have an experience we can spend years trying to figure out the meaning of it. We get stuck in the “why” of it, assuming it must have a purpose or meaning to us. Sometimes we have an experience and even think it must be telling us that we need to follow a certain path or do something we may not normally do. It must be a “sign”. It must have a “purpose”.

Going back to dreams….say you have one of those dreams where you wake up and you think, “Wow! I need to write that down. That was an awesome dream!” Have you ever had one of those dreams? A dream where you lived an entire lifetime in one night? It is so real, so vivid, and so exhilarating that you might write it down or tell someone about it. But do you talk about it for days or weeks….years after? No. It’s unlikely that you do.

Why? <——hahaha yes I’m asking that.

How are your dreams any different from your waking reality?

They’re not. Your perspective is different. In dreamtime we experience only to experience. In waking life we experience only to experience but the big variable here is that we FORGET we are here to experience for the sake of experience alone. We assign value to everything. There are so many “reasons”, so many “fixations” and Time is created, slowing down the experience. Yet, the reality is that that 8 hour lifetime you dreamed the other day is no different than the 80 year lifetime you are currently experiencing. And when you “wake up” from this 80 year lifetime dream you will think exactly the same way you think when you wake up from the 8 hour dream. You will think, “Wow! That was some dream! I need to write that down!” Then you will move on to another experience with little thought of the previous one. You might have made a decision, though. Most likely it was, “I want to do that again but this time I will do this….” Or you might think, “I’ve had enough of that, let’s try this now.”

It’s like when you ride a roller coaster. Do you contemplate the ride when you get off, trying to figure out some deeper, hidden meaning to it? Not likely (if you do, then I can’t help you). You likely feel high, excited, thrilled from the experience. You might say, “That was awesome! Let’s do it again!” Or if it was a bit too much, you might take a break and avoid that ride. But then you move on and there is barely a thought about it later except to maybe relive the thrill in your memory at a later date.

In the part of my dream where I found myself on the highway in the mountains I went through a question answer session with myself. I wondered “Why?” and the answer was simple: “I don’t know and I don’t care. I am just driving.” This is acceptance of the experience in a nutshell. There was no need to contemplate the “why”. The only result in that would be delay and probably lots of emotional upset. Who needs that? Why not just enjoy the experience of the journey? When it’s all over, that will be all you take with you anyway. The other stuff is just baggage. A distraction. The only question that you should be asking yourself is this: Do I want to do that again? Your answer determines the next experience.

So that brings us to the current experience: What about your life experience do you wish to repeat? What do you wish to not repeat? The answers you get determine your next experience. You answer these questions all the time in your thoughts and actions, you just may not realize it. When you choose to remain in an experience you do not like you are choosing to repeat it whether you realize it consciously or not. There is something about the experience you still find enjoyable, some part of the current “ride” you want to experience again.

Sometimes we have an experience that shakes us to our core. We may not want to return to it just yet. We may need a “break”. I am reminded of an actual roller coaster I got on once. It was one of those wooden ones and my experience was anything but pleasant. It shook so much that it made my insides feel like they were shaken up. When I got off I knew I would never get on that ride again. However, another ride I got on took tons of courage on my part. I believe it was called the Cliffhanger. It was one of those rides that dropped you from 8 stories up. For some reason the thought of the ride freaked me out but I eventually tried it. Afterwards I was so exhilarated from it that I think I got on it four or five more times. I couldn’t get enough.

It just goes to show that what you think an experience is may not be what it turns out to be. You won’t know unless you try it. That wooden roller coaster I got on, the one that shook me up so much, I had been on before when I was younger and it didn’t do that. It was fun. Yet for some reason, 20 years later, it literally hurt to ride it.

We change. Circumstances change. Just because an experience was exhilarating and worthwhile before doesn’t mean it will always be. It just means we have learned the lesson and it’s time to try a new one. For me, I had to literally be in pain to not ride that ride again. Sometimes life is that way, too.

How much “pain” is needed to get you to try the next ride?

I think I am going to kick my guides butts the next time I see them. Did you catch that last part? But they are SO right to ask it. I know that for me the “ride” has to be painful or shake me up for me to decide I am done with it. Sigh. I’m such a glutton for punishment. It reminds me of something a friend told me not long ago. He said something like, “As long as you are comfortable, you won’t leave.” Yep. It has to be uncomfortable. Painful even. Or does it?

 

 

 

 

 

Message: Let Thine Will Be Mine

Yesterday I had anxiety most, if not all, of the day. It was so bad I felt physically ill from it – stomach upset, headache, light headed. I struggled especially in the morning and when I asked for help I spontaneously began speaking in Light Language. After that I felt strangely at ease despite continuing to feel the physical and mental side effects of severe anxiety.

When I was speaking in Light Language it felt like I was invoking protection from something. I am not sure what exactly but that is how it felt. I was moving my hands in such a way that it reminded me of weaving a web of protective energy. I also felt like I was blessing my body, communicating to it that this transition will not kill it but make it stronger.

Messages in Dreams

By bedtime I was feeling much more normal and occupied my mind with season 2 of Sense8 (love that show). When I fell asleep I was asking for help. I wanted the anxiety to stop. I recognized it was a symptom of not allowing my heart to guide me. Anxiety is a side-effect of avoidance. Avoiding pain. Avoiding truth. Avoiding feelings. What we avoid will come out whether we like it or not.

I had a vivid dream of being in a community located in the countryside. Rolling hills and dirt roads predominated the scene. There was a gate that lead into the small community and I walked through it. I saw a building being built near the entrance. I thought it was a church because it had a curved entrance but was informed that it was a brand new post office (important message from my subconscious). I thought it odd that a post office would be built inside our community.

Then I was inside a building with others. My role was a teacher and I walked up to two men who were also teachers. Teachers of history like me. One man was older and the other my age. I invited them to come socialize with me. They both indicated they preferred to be alone. I said, “You won’t be satisfied if you don’t communicate with others.”

Then I was standing beside the younger teacher. Both of us were painting. I recall that what he painted, so did I. Identical paintings. The part I was focusing on was the bottom of the painting. I was painting the word “Love” in red, glittery paint. Only the word was cut in half by the bottom of the canvas. I remember talking to him about why it was cut off like that. The top of the painting is hard to recall but I think it was of a white building similar to the White House of the U.S. It was literally sitting on top of the Love, crushing it. I want to also say the house was burning or in the process of being destroyed. The feeling from our conversation was that the love was the only focus, everything else didn’t matter.

I left for a moment, leaving my wet paint out because I was to return. When I did return a group of house maids had cleaned up all my paint and supplies. I was especially upset because they had washed all my red paint down the drain. It had been on top of a miniature white house like in the painting. My friend told me not to be concerned and I calmed and forgot about it.

Then we were all heading to the new post office to meet. I remember a short walk along a curving road. When I arrived I kept going saying I had a doctor’s appointment. I didn’t want to stop because when I got there I saw two large groups of people dressed completely in white heading toward me. One in front of me and one behind me. If I had stopped I would have been completely overrun by them and there seemed to be thousands on both sides. What is really odd is that one side had a giant diamond (wholeness) floating in the air above them and the other side had a giant square (limitation).

Thine Will be Mine

When I woke I saw the two symbols distinctly. The diamond was on the left and the square was on the right. In the middle was me. The message was that the square and the diamond needed to align and I was standing in the way of this.

Then I heard, “Let thine will be mine”. It was so Biblical in the way it sounded that it actually freaked me out for a second and then I relaxed. I understood that I was being asked to surrender to Divine will. I became angry at this time saying, “But you won’t let me have what I want.” I was told, “You will get what you need.” This made me mad. I understood though that fighting would get me nowhere. I was told, “When you go off track We kindly and lovingly put you back.” I sneered at this thinking, “Your idea of ‘kindly and lovingly’ is not the same as mine!”

Eventually I relented and fell into my heart space momentarily. I felt all it offered was false hope, though, and it made staying there very difficult. It became obvious to me that the reason I don’t want to follow my heart is because it meant giving up control and ultimately the possibility that it would destroy my life is too much for me to accept. I have heard, “You will get what you need” so many times in the past and it always leads to unwanted change. Ultimately, I sense what will happen and it scares me.

When you are drowning the best thing to do is relax and let your body float. Struggle only pushes you deeper. I get it but for some reason I just can’t stop struggling.

 

Waterlogged

Grateful to my guidance for allowing me a full day’s reprieve from the emotional waterfall I’ve been experiencing this month. May is really kicking my butt! I was told we entered another section of the Equinox Portal on May 15th. My daughter’s birthday no less! How fitting! This section will go until the 24th when we will enter the third and final section of the month of May.

I am told the current section is all about learning to “BE”. When I request more info I get an image of a great waterfall – picture Niagara Falls. We are standing at the top and must get to the bottom. The only way down is to jump into the raging water. What happens when one finds themselves caught up in the rapids? They allow the water to take them. That’s what it means to “Be” this time. We don’t do anything really but hang on until its over. Reacting, struggling, attempting to swim amidst the rapids will only force us further under the water. We have to be rag dolls; limp, motionless, unresponsive.

For me at least the waterfall image is fitting. I was forewarned of such a period months ago in a vivid dream. I saw the waterfall but stopped at the top and took a break. Now it seems I am in the midst of it struggling not to be overtaken by it. What happens when we get to the bottom? Rest, I hope. I could use a break. The word that comes to mind, though, is “waterlogged”.

Dreams 

My dreams are becoming more and more memorable the further into May we get. I bring back with me an entire night’s worth most mornings. This morning I woke in tears again but the dream and what was being processes made sense when in the past the dreams did not match the emotion that surfaces.

In this particular dream I was working with a few others acting as their counselor. Everyone looked human but there was a group that were obviously not human. They were referred to as “robots” on more than one occasion. The reason for this name was that they had no social skills, no ability to read the facial expressions of another, to read emotion or to perceive the intent of others. Additionally, they seemed to have no emotion of their own, caring not how their actions affected others.

My own emotion surfaced when I worked with a couple. Neither were robots yet in their hundreds of years together (obviously through various incarnations) they had developed a pattern of repressed emotion. I was working with the feminine energy helping her to contact the emotion she had somehow buried in order to protect herself. I observed their interaction and saw the source and interjected, asking the woman questions to make her inspect the pattern she was repeating. When she did this she began to cry because what was ultimately contacted was love for her partner. Hundreds of years of repression broke the dam in her heart causing the love to hit her like a flood, overwhelming her and literally knocking her to her knees.

When she cried, I cried. And as I woke I understood that the woman was me. That she represented the current feminine energy and the repression of hundreds – thousands – of years of emotion. I saw clearly how the hardening of the feminine heart affected the masculine. It is as if a wall of disconnection and lack has been built between them.

The Dam Has Been Broken

This time the tears did not last long as I understood the source and the reason for all the emotion I have been experiencing. My heart has been blasted so wide open that, despite my trying, I have been unable to close it. In my upset at recognizing this I begged my guidance to shut it down again and was told, “It’s too late” and reminded of when they told me there was no turning back. The result of this openness is the flood of emotion I am experiencing. The dam has been broken and I can’t put it back.

I know I need to be the Observer in this, but this intensity of emotion is so much that I am flattened by it almost immediately. There is no way to just observe this emotion. I have to experience it, confront it, transmute it. It is not just one emotion, either, but a amalgamation of emotion. It would be easier if it were just one emotion at a time, but nope, I get a cocktail of them all. This must be why I keep getting references to drinking and being drunk. Ha!

What is interesting to me is that the feeling of this amalgamation of emotion is very much like the feeling of Divine Love I felt when my heart was first blasted open. It has the same flavor, the same intensely beautiful and simultaneously terrifying quality about it. Perhaps I am getting a crash course on Divine Love? Perhaps this love not at all what I thought it to be?

I am also seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I can survive this. I will survive it. When I plead for mercy, I receive it. This is no punishment, it is merely a process I need to go through. I am fully supported and loved and when I pull myself out of panic mode I feel the love and support.

And in these brief interludes I feel a peculiar feeling that is hard to describe. It is akin to peace but that isn’t the word because I have felt peace and this is different. The feeling is balanced but with it there is surreal almost drugged feeling that comes over me. If I focus on the feeling it seems that I am not even in this reality at all but teetering between realities; walking a tight rope. On one side is this physical reality and my identification with it and on the other is nothingness – a place where I have no identity but am One with Source. If I touch the nothingness I become nothing. I lose my individuality and my memories of this life seem to shatter. The nothingness side of the tightrope is so disorienting that I feel if I fall into it I will never return.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dream Meeting and 2 OBEs

Yesterday I was hit once again with emotional and physical purging. I didn’t start feeling better until evening. This morning I feel much more like myself. No crying upon waking. In fact, the opposite. A smile in response to a nice OBE.

Dream: Music Discussion

I had a very long dream discussion with a friend. It began with me taking a job as a teaching assistant at an elementary school. I remember little about this part but I do recall that the school had been flooded but the water had receded in the room I was in. I also recall my pay was $8.20/hr.

A man came into the classroom at one point and began talking to me and asking me questions. He was studying music and wanted to know about my music background. We talked about the classes he would need to take and what was involved. I told him I only got a minor in music and went on and on about my school experiences with it. He asked me what instrument I played and I told him, “I don’t. I sing.” We did briefly discuss my playing the saxophone in high school, though. Then I went into detail about my upbringing, my mom, our musical family, and my love of singing. He told me he was looking into music’s applications in spirituality and consciousness expansion which was fascinating to me as well. We discussed brainwave frequencies and their proven effectiveness at shifting a person into the theta and delta brain-wave states. This was his main focus and the discussion seemed to go in this direction for a while but I can’t recall it.

The entire time the man kept sending me a feeling that he wanted to get to know me more intimately.  At first I just kept my distance but it didn’t keep him away. He began to invade my personal space. I kept looking at him to try and figure out who he was. He looked familiar but I could not get a good look because his face was shifty. I only saw his dark hair. At one point he looked deeply into my eyes and said, “Your eyes are SO blue.” I looked back into his brown eyes and thought, “Your eyes are so brown.” lol I never said it aloud, though. Eventually, he got so close that by the end of our conversation we were laying next to each other, his legs and mine intertwined. I remember feeling odd and uncomfortable about the situation but not fighting it.

Messages

When I woke up I knew who the man was and was surprised I recalled so much of our conversation. I asked my guidance about it and shifted into the in-between. I remember seeing and hearing a phone number: 555-666-7777. I also remember hearing, “Three weeks.” There was some sudden Knowing mixed in here, too.

OBE: Open Window

At some point while in the in-between and conversing with my Companion I realized that I could exit my body. I am not sure what triggered my awareness but it was instantaneous. There is a brief feeling of being fully awake that precedes this and a confusion from it because my surroundings were not right.

I move away from my body as soon as I know I am OOB. I do not feel any sensation of exit because I am in a fully lucid experience. I assume I exited a some point after entering the in-between. Immediately I feel super happy. The room is very brightly lit and I recognize it as my old bedroom at my mother’s house. I head toward the window but feel my energy lagging. It feels like my energy is surging but unbalanced and I recognize this. I say aloud, “I am not my body.” I’m not sure why I say this but it helps and I grab onto the window to slide it open worrying briefly that it will be locked. To my delight it opens easily and I poke my head through the opening and take it the brilliant blue sky and greenery of outside.

I am still talking to my Companion the entire time I am OOB. I am super excited and saying, “Look! I did it! I am out of my body!” I laugh at this because it is not a big deal, I do it all the time, but for some reason I felt super accomplished and wanted to share this with him. I don’t see my Companion, though, I just feel his presence.

As I attempt to crawl through the window I have an energy surge and recognize that afterward I am liable to be sucked back into my body. I request clarity and remind myself not to over exert myself because I am still too close to my body. Unfortunately, when I lift myself up into the window a surge of energy hits me and I suddenly feel extremely heavy and cumbersome. I am sucked back into my body before I have a chance to stabilize.

In-Between

I enter into the in-between for a little while after I return to my body. There is a brief memory of seeing that the sun is still not up. I sit up and look at my bedroom window to check. Whether this is a physical memory or an OOB one, I am unsure.

The conversation with my Companion continues while I am in the in-between. We are talking about my current situation, the “preparation” I have been doing and the feelings that I am sorting through. I can’t make sense of the feelings I am having as they don’t seem to apply to me. I request to be balanced and happy again, like I was just a few weeks ago. I tell him I am tired of the sickness and purging. There is profound understanding and clarity during this time. I wish I could remember all that we talked about but it was not in words but in feelings.

There was a flash of 1111 during this time and I remember being told, “You are right on schedule” and me saying, “Really?” Then I recall being given a black jacket that resembled a tight-fitting sweater. I was told, “Wear it. You need protection.” I put it on without hesitation and did not seem to recognize the message for what it was.

OBE: Kisses

At some point I recognize I am still OOB. When I do, I look around me and recognize my old bedroom. What is odd is that my current bed is in the room, too. It’s like the two realities – past and present – are superimposed. I even see both sets of windows. Everything is dark and shifty, though, meaning my mental vision predominates not that I am in the etheric. I have no energy issues this time and feel wonderful and balanced.

I am standing at the foot of my current bed in the space near the foot of my old bed. In front of me is a man. He is taller than me, my head reaches just below his chin. He has brown hair and eyes. When I see him I am elated and wrap my arms around him. He hugs me back and then keeps me close, hands on my waist. I look up at him and take a good look. He looks vaguely familiar but I can’t place him. Is he wearing glasses? I see a glimmer of metal rimmed glasses I think but then they disappear.

What he looks like doesn’t matter, though. It is how he feels that tells me I know him. I say to him, “Hey you!” He looks at me and says, “Hey” and smiles warmly. I am so terribly excited that I grab his face and pull it toward me and kiss him. He kisses back and we kiss each other for a while. It’s not a make-out session but the kisses are passionate and eager, like we haven’t seen each other in a while. I can feel everything about it – him holding me, his warmth, his lips, the love, the friendship. It is so real I am surprised I didn’t wake up!

He turns his face away from mine and interrupts our kisses. I want to keep kissing and feel a bit out of breath. I don’t feel any arousal but there is that desperate wanting for more feeling lingering.

Meanwhile he is focusing on my left arm. He gently slides his right hand down from the elbow and interlaces his right hand into my left. He holds it there and I feel he does this purposefully. I am grateful because my heart chakra is starting to stir along with all the lower chakras. It is slight but there. I look up at him still trying to figure out who he is because I keep feeling like he is my husband but he doesn’t look anything like him. I ask him, “Are you_____ or ______?” He smiles and says, “You know who I am.”

When he said that to me I became very aware and came back to my body. My heart was warm in my chest by this time and my root had a slight swirl of energy. The warmth remained in my heart for a while after waking. Since I have not felt that kind of warmth in my chest for a while (not the heart fire but the bliss), I was pleased. What a nice gift. SO much better than waking up in tears.

 

 

 

 

 

Molting

Sorry I’ve been so quiet. I’ve been struggling through an intense physical and emotional purging these last six days or so. It all was building up prior to that but got especially intense around May 1st.

As I mentioned previously, I have been struggling with a string of illnesses. First a lingering head cold (which is STILL lingering) and then intestinal complications that stretched out for days. Well, that wasn’t the end of it. My entire family got a nasty stomach bug. It started with my son Sunday night and on Tuesday the rest of us got it one-by-one within hours of each other. I had naively thought I was immune, assuming I was the one who gave it to the rest of the family so was surprised when I came down with it.

Every time I get the stomach bug I think it is the worst. The last time I had it I was five months pregnant with my youngest (over 3 years ago). Pregnant with the stomach bug is awful and potentially dangerous. I thought at the time it was the worst I had ever felt. Well, I was wrong. This hit me so hard and so violently that I nearly passed out. Twice. I was sweating profusely, my head felt ice cold, I couldn’t see and when I could see the room was spinning and I couldn’t judge distance properly. It literally seemed at the time that I was about to be sucked into an abyss where death was awaiting me. And then after the vomiting stage was over I was extremely weak to the point that walking a few steps would incite dizziness, rapid heartbeat, and breathlessness.

Through all of it I was still coughing, courtesy of the ever-lingering cold that doesn’t go away.

To top it all I got an awful sore throat the day after the stomach bug. Thankfully that has now subsided.

Amidst all of this illness I went through a gauntlet of emotional upheaval. Mostly the emotional purging occurred during sleep. I would wake up crying, sometimes multiple times in one night, from dreams that often disappeared as soon as I tried to recall them. If I did recall them, the dreams were confusing or linked to past experiences that I thought I had long put behind me.

To top it all off, the Kundalini has been active. This time, however, it has been painful, or at least what I recall of it has been. It started out with just some energy fluctuations and surges. Then I got sick. Since the stomach flu I have now had two instances where I have experienced pain from the Kundalini energy. It feels like someone sticks their hand into a chakra and then twists forcefully. The specific areas of this pain are the root, sacral and solar plexus.

This is the first time I have had physical illness mixed in with an intense emotional purging. The two together are extreme but not as bad as last November and December.

On to the Next Section – The Molt

So what is going on? This is the Reset I wrote about last week. Clearing out lingering blockages in preparation for whatever comes next. All of the emotional purging is to clear away the last vestiges of the False Self. Those patterns, beliefs and falsehoods that are the basis of the illusory reality it clings to. And man oh man am I ever hanging on.

This is also the result of the next section of the Equinox Portal that is available to us through mid-summer. I am told there are two in this month alone, with the third opening just as May ends and June begins. One right after the other. I am not sure I can handle it if it is more of what I just went though, though. This is intense! Yet I know it needs to be this intense to release the vice grip of the False Self. I see an image of a hand holding tightly to something and another hand releasing the grip finger by finger.

All in all I feel like I am in my death throes. I wake up most mornings thinking, “I am dying.” I even had a dream where I was in a hospital talking to a nurse whose job it was to educate the dying on the death process. WTF right!? During the day I often feel like my body is dying, too. It is a very real feeling but then at the same time I am not concerned one bit. Totally accepting of whatever fate awaits me. It is like I am molting, shedding my human skin.

 

Trooper

Me and my dog Trooper in December 2002.

 

Dreams

Here are some examples of the dreams I’ve been having, the ones I have recalled that is:

I am my sister talking to my mother. I am telling her I can’t stay very long and I only came to check-in and see how everyone is doing. I am asked to stay and I begin to cry. I wake up crying and feeling as if I am dying from the inside out.


I am with my aunt in a darkened library. I am crying and hysterical. I ask her to help me. I say, “Why is he here? I just want him to go away and leave me alone. Make him go away!” She says, “Remember when I visited 10 weeks ago? It was nice, wasn’t it?” I stop crying and smile and say, “Yes, it was.” Then I return to crying. I feel beside myself with angst. I wake up in tears. My pillow is soaked.


I was inside a car with someone who I couldn’t see but knew was a woman. There was a tiny brown snake that resembled a large worm in the crease of the seat. Then there were many little worm-like snakes all over. I knew they were extremely poisonous so was using scientific-looking tongs to pick them off one-by-one.


I was sitting on my bed clearing dirt off of it with my hands. I noticed my dog Trooper in the room. I went up to him and hugged him close. He felt skinny and fragile. He stared into my eyes for a long time and I knew he was communicating with me. He was telling me he was sick, that he didn’t feel good and that it was time for him to go (to die).” I hugged him close again and thought, “It’s okay if you want to go. I will be alright.” But instead I looked into his eyes and said, “Thank you for being my companion.”

I woke up crying but understood that this was him showing me that in life he had also stared at me and communicated the same message. I had given him what he wanted. Sometimes when we think we are hurting another we are actually helping them.

 

 

fidgetspinner

Fidget Spinner in action. See the Vesica Pisces? 

 

Signs and Symbols

Angel number 53 – Received over a week ago. Preparing me for “change” and “major life challenges”.
Angel number 250 – Received this morning. Unexpected good is coming from unexpected sources.
Dead Dove – Received before stomach flu (May 1st). A dove flew into bedroom window and died on the spot. Symbol of lost love, endings.
Vesica Pisces – Kids got Fidget Spinners. When I played with one I saw it formed a Vesica Pisces and knew it was a message.
Sun and Moon – Seeing the sun and moon right next to each other in the sky.
11, 111, & 1111 – A near constant right now, especially 11 and 111.