And I Feel Fine

Today I feel really, really good. For no reason at all! 🙂 I love days like today. All my perceptions are elevated. Music sounds more amazing and lights me up inside. Color is more vibrant. Food tastes and smells better than usual. My body feels awesome. I feel young and alive. I keep dancing and swaying to the energy of life!

I feel like I someone who is in the midst of falling in love – high on life, giddy happy, optimistic, making plans, seeing possibility in everything.

Today, at the grocery store with my youngest, I felt really high, singing and chatting away with him. I noticed his eyes again. They are marvelous! I wish my eyes looked like his. They look like blue crystals. The picture doesn’t show the crystal-like quality of his eyes, but trust me, it’s there.

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One would think I had some kind of experience to put me in such a mood, but I didn’t, at least not that I can recall. When I woke this morning I did Know something I didn’t know prior to bed, but it wasn’t something positive exactly, so I doubt it would shoot me into a better mood. I only recall bits and pieces now of what I was dreaming about because once I woke it faded quickly. So I doubt my dreams created this feeling, but maybe.

Dream Snippets

I remember interacting with a woman and some others. I kissed her. Can’t recall what she looked like. Brown hair I think.

I remember talking to someone about my purpose. There were two options being shown to me. The one on the right was simple, easy. It looked dismal and gray. The one on the right was brighter and felt challenging. I remember hearing someone remind me of my purpose and bringing up my previous paths of counselor and teacher. My reaction was disinterest. The word “physical” came up regarding work as well. My overall feeling from this interaction was that I was being asked to consider combining all of my past career experiences with my personal trainer certification.

There was a whole sequence of discussions/dreams about a future event. I saw two choices. Again, one on the right and one on the left. The one on the right was the “good girl” path. The one on the left was the more risky one. The risky path had to do with a strong connection with another person. This particular conversation woke me up briefly. I was saying, “I should’ve left.” I could see it all play out and it was my fault.

A portion of a song played in my mind as if to warn me: “It’s the start of us waking up, come on. Are you ready? I”ll be ready.” The “Are you ready?” kept repeating over and over.

In another dream snippet I was talking to a man as I saw a fire on my left in what looked like my back yard. It was getting bigger and bigger. I was saying, “People can die and get hurt really bad in fires. Someone’s going to get hurt.” When I said this the flames literally exploded.

Answer to Question

Maybe my mood has to do with a question I answered on Quora yesterday?

Original question:

If the twin flames journey is to experience being whole within yourself, why do twin flames reunite at all? How come that union is the purpose of the journey if as a soul you are whole and complete anyway?

My answer:

This is a very condensed version of an answer about the part of your question about “being whole within yourself”.

Although we are all Whole and complete as souls, as a soul in a human body most of have become “fractured” because of the trauma, programming and difficulties we’ve endured while occupying a human body. So we forget we are Whole and with that forgetfulness we lose the ability to connect with and merge the masculine and feminine within ourselves. So, when in a body, we are under the illusion that we are incomplete, broken, or otherwise “lacking” in some way and so seek out another/others to fulfilled and bring wholeness to ourselves.

As for the “twin flame” part of your answer, I don’t believe in the phenomena in the way that others do so my answer totally tosses out the part about how “Union” is the purpose of a twin flame journey. Union (within the Self) is everyone’s mission ultimately. Some of us will get there in this lifetime, others won’t. Usually it takes lifetimes to come into Union with(in) ones self but with the ascension this is rapidly accelerating. The twin flame portion of this acts as a catalyst for coming in Union with(in) ones self. Union with another (any other, “twin” or otherwise) is also possible, but only when one is whole within the self.

Once someone has achieved Union within, there is no longer a need or desire to seek outside of themselves that which was previously lacking within – with a twin or anyone else.

She asked me a follow-up question:

Thank you for your answers. I get totally what you are saying. It’s just that not everything is entirely clear to me. Say, if you make it in this lifetime to be truly whole and happy within yourself, what do you need the union for then? If you are entirely happy within yourself, that would mean that you don’t need the other counterpart to fulfill your life, wouldn’t it? Don’t get me wrong, I miss my twin and have the desire to be with him on a physical level. No matter how much I love myself unconditionally and how much I have already grown spiritually, not much seems to change on a physical level lately.. but if I should ever reach this state of being totally happy and complete within myself without the need of being together with my twin, what would be the purpose of the union then? It’s also quite irritating that buddhists for example don’t believe in soulmates or twin flames as they believe that the soul is always one. That would mean that twin flames were never one soul as every soul is one already. I get the idea that in the 3d world you learn to become complete within yourself. But how does that everything fit with the twin flame and the union? I hope I didn’t confuse you too much but it’s something I desire to understand.

My response:

I for one agree with the Buddhists, but I am not a Buddhist myself. This is because my experience suggests that the “twin flame” idea is very skewed. The “twin flame” phenomena is very real to the Experiencer, for sure, and I do not intend to invalidate the experiences of those who have them – because I have also experienced what would qualify as such a twin connection! Only I have had more than one experience as have the men who have connected with me. And I miss both of the men who I connected with – they are always in my thoughts and my heart. I continue to have telepathic connections with them and it has become a regular part of my life. BUT I no longer pine for them or obsess or feel I have to have either of them in my life.

I have learned also that there are two types of Union (from the perspective of being in the body anyway) – spiritual and physical. I have yet to experience the latter. Do I want to? Hell yeah! But I am still learning how to function within the former, meaning, yes, I have experienced spiritual Union within myself. Union is not something that just happens once and then it’s done, either – well maybe the physical one is but not the spiritual. On the spiritual side, Union is a process that continues throughout ones time in the body and, as with me, for many lifetimes/incarnations.

So where does the “twin” concept come in? What is its purpose? The purpose is simply to allow both to see, if they choose, aspects hidden or suppressed from view, so that both move closer toward Spiritual Union within.

This may not make sense but it has to do with the idea that we are all ONE. So the progress made by one is also then made for everyone and vice versa. Once the current ‘twin’ has done what is needed to elevate their own and their partners consciousness/energy, then another “twin” experience will occur, and another and another. It’s like a chain reaction until eventually we are all connected by this “chain” of consciousness.

This process is Ascension – the elevation of human consciousness on a worldwide scale. So, what people say about “twins” having a huge mission here is true because it is these connections that are the foundation for what will be a changed, more peaceful and connected world.

I only started answering questions on Quora very recently. Not even sure why, but I sometimes feel drawn to answer certain questions. This was one of them. I answered the initial question several days ago but the follow-up question was sent in an email notification today, so I answered. I had not expected the last two paragraphs of my reply to the follow-up question. It sat with me throughout the morning and it felt – still feels – very accurate, especially the part about continual “twin”-like connections creating a “chain” that eventually will connect the entire world. THAT really resonates.

In fact, I think it sums up my mission here really well. Help with the Ascension – Yep. What better way to help than to be one of the first links on that ever-expanding chain of connection?

And if you take my Quora response and add it to my dream snippets, it seems to indicate that, whether I like it or not, more heart connections (twin-like connections) are on the horizon for me. Yet I am not at all discouraged by this fact. I embrace the idea. In fact, it fills me with joy. There is nothing more that I would want for the world than to experience that connection and Oneness. When that happens the Earth will be forever changed for the better.

I keep getting a vision of a person jumping into the air and clicking their heels together. LOL Then a song comes to mind:

Heel Click photo credits. 

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Stress, OBEs & an Intervention

Yesterday was my son’s 8th birthday. It always creeps up on us being so close to the Christmas holiday and, as usual, we didn’t prepare far enough in advance. I decided on Friday to invite his cousin for a sleepover and allow my son to choose to do whatever he liked on his big day. He was happy with the plan. He is always so laid back and accepting when it comes to his birthday, which I am grateful for. He could easily go all dramatic and pout like his sister, but he doesn’t.

Everything was fine until my husband decided to invite others without talking to me first. No big deal except it turned into two nights of sleepovers instead of one. Sleepovers can be a headache, especially if the child staying over is anxious about it, which this friend was. I was awakened at 2:30am by his wandering the house and watching TV in the middle of the night. 😦

On top of all the birthday chaos, my daughter somehow misplaced her phone. The entire evening last night was spent looking for her phone amidst her wails of despair. I had just installed Norton Family on her phone which allows me to see the phone’s location. The phone is in the house according to Norton, yet, suspiciously, we cannot find it anywhere. It has completely vanished!

In addition to all the phone craziness, I noticed our coat closet was very empty. Upon inspection, I noticed all but one of my coats was in there. One is a new coat I got for Christmas that I absolutely love. I’ve looked everywhere for it and cannot find it. Both my son’s coats are missing from the closet, too. So we have more mysteriously lost items.

Interesting tidbit of info, though – while looking for my daughter’s phone I was checking my husband’s coat pockets and found the remote to the Roku TV which has been missing for several weeks. So, one “mysterious” lost item recovered via all the searching, BUT it was never lost to begin with. My husband likes to hide remotes and other devices from my kids because he feels they spend to much time on them. Then he forgets where he hides them. This happened to my daughter’s last phone, which we found by accident a whole year after it was lost! Of course, it doesn’t work now, some battery malfunction. Currently hidden are my Kindle (grrr!) and (I believe) my daughter’s phone. In the past he has hidden keyboards, mouses, and even my laptop! It is infuriating to say the least.

Oh and have to add that, just last week my husband said to me about my daughter, “We should have never gotten her a phone.” Humph!

Put all of the above together and it makes for a difficult time falling asleep. 😦

OBEs

After being awakened by the child sleeping over, I struggled to fall asleep. Everything about the previous day was in my head swirling around. It made me feel rigid and uncomfortable. Plus, my nose was stopping up and bothering me. After over an hour (and some nasal spray), I managed to somehow drift off.

#1

I was in a dream I don’t recall now, but did upon waking (grr!). What I recall next is hearing what sounded like my boss’ voice talking about some man named, “Kamir”. While she was talking about him I saw images of him flash in my mind. He looked like a body builder, very muscular and tan. I can’t recall what she was talking about now but at the time I heard every word and was following along quite well. At the time my body was vibrating at such a high level that it felt numb with an energy that I can only describe as “cold”, though that is not accurate. I instinctively knew I could exit my body, so I did.

When I exited I found myself in my room but my vision was not “on”. I said several times, “Clarity now!” When I did this, my vision turned on and I was able to see clearly the darkened room. I floated down the stairs toward the front door, looking around at my house for things that were out of place. I noticed nothing unusual. I remember trying to stay calm because I wanted to make it out the front door. The last several OBEs I’ve had ended at the front door and I wanted badly to change that pattern. Sadly, as soon as I got up to the door I returned to my body.

#2

Back in my body I was aware again of the odd energy. My heart was beating fast but I ignored it. I had hynagogia for a bit. It looked like tiny cheerio bubbles in my vision. Not lingering, I exited my body and attempted to leave my house again. Sadly, once I got to the door I felt pulled back to my body.

The sensations were the same upon re-entry. So odd but not uncomfortable really. I knew to ignore them and again shifted OOB. This time, when I got to my bedroom door I saw another door perpendicular to it that is not there in real life. I opened it and the floor seemed to slant down a bit. In front of me I saw a white wall with a 3D maze on it. When I stepped through, I turned to my right and saw another white door. It opened and when I went through I was not in my house, but some other house.

Inside the other house I saw a living/dining area with older furnishings. There were afghans draped over the leather sofas and I could see a double glass sliding door leading outside. The sun was shining through them illuminating the space and making it feel very inviting. I remember thinking, “I know this place.” Yet I have no clue where I have seen it before! I turned and walked through an arch on my left into the living room where I saw more familiar furnishings, a large window and a door in the far right. In my mind I was thinking, “This is his house.” Yet I have no idea who I was referring to.

Before I could explore further and look for people (I kept expecting to see his mother walk in), I was again pulled back to my body. This time I was much more aware of my heart beating very rapidly in my chest and the odd, high vibrations were getting very uncomfortable.

#3

I shifted into the in-between I believe at this time, but it is hard to say for sure. I may have been OOB but I cannot recall any visuals or travel. What I do remember is having a conversation with a man. I recognized him and called him, “Will” and I knew his full name was William Buhlman. He asked me how I liked being part of the group and asked me for an update. I knew I was assigned to a group of three and that we were part of a larger OBE group/community that worked to gather information via out-of-body experiences. I don’t recall now what I reported because I was so shocked by the revelation that I went back to my body awareness.

#4

Aware again of my body I could tell I needed to calm myself a bit and ease into exiting rather than force it. I decided to think of swaying or rocking my astral body. When I did this I felt encouraged to shift from side to side to back and forth, as if on a swing. I went with it and felt to be pulled forward by invisible hands. They were very gentle and I was not afraid.

I could feel myself holding onto like a trapeze swing and sensed hands opening up to catch me as I jumped off. I let go and flew toward the invisible outstretched hands. As I did this my vision turned on 100% and I saw my bedroom wall getting closer and closer. I was flying head-first into my wall! No hands to be seen, I was caught off-guard and this woke me fully.

Heart beating rapidly I came back to body awareness quickly and lingered a while to see if I could exit again. I could tell I had lost my chance and so shifted positions in bed from laying on my right side to on my back. I settled and tried again to reach the vibrational state needed to exit.

test

Dream: Intervention

This time I shifted into a lucid dream rather than exiting. I was sitting propped up in my bed in my old bedroom back at my mom’s. In my lap was a test (life lessons). A female voice was reading the instructions but I was already filling in my answers. She advised me to take my time and pay attention. I looked at my answers and saw the numbers on the answer sheet did not go in order. I read, “5, 1, 3.” Catching my mistake, I went back and erased my answers and made corrections.

I lost interest in the test soon after. Then I heard a male voice to my left ask me, “What do you want to do?” I said to him, “I would really like some company.” I was craving a bit of Kundalini Union/bliss and bored of taking the test. Within seconds of my reply a familiar looking man entered my vision from the left and sat on top of me, facing me. He was chipper and talking about his life. I could see him and hear him so clearly! His hips were sitting directly over my own and he wrapped his arms around me as he talked to me. I could feel his fingers on my bare back as if I were awake. I relished the feeling of his touch as if I had not been touched in ages. I wish I could remember what he was saying to me because it was like we were continuing a previous conversation. At the time it all made complete sense.

As we embraced and I began to snuggle into him, someone burst through my bedroom door. I looked up and it was my mom and another woman. The woman had some people behind her and they were asking me questions. She rudely came up to the bed and dispersed the papers I had spread out in from of me. I stood up and protested, pushing them back through the door. I was wearing only a loose sweatshirt and underwear.

My mom was saying something like, “Let them in. They are trying to help you.” The woman had in her hand some paper and a pen and was asking me questions I can’t recall now but they were about my state of mind and future plans. I recognized they were from the church and was infuriated with my mom for asking them to come.

I kept pushing them out of my room and they kept pushing back. When I locked the door, they unlocked it with a key my mom had given them. My mom was telling them I needed help because I had said untrue things about her to a man. I pushed up against the door with all my weight and looked for things to put against the door to block their entry. Nothing was heavy enough, though, and eventually they overpowered me.

Standing face to face with my mom and the church woman I let them tell me why they were there. My mom said I had told her father untruths about her. I saw in my mind a man named John Bell and he was very old and wrinkled. He spoke to me, telling me I had told my mom things that were not true. I can’t recall now what that was but it had to do with another woman I believe, like him having an affair. I explained that I had not done what he claimed and the issue was all cleared up. The church people told me goodbye and the woman asked me why I was so upset. I told her, “Well, you burst in at a bad time. I was having a sexual dream.” lol Note: I have an ancestor name John Bell I believe but he would be my great-grandfather or something like that. I never met him in this life.

Then the scene shifted and I was outside standing in a cul-de-sac. There were small mobile homes all around me. One in particular got my attention. I flew around the cul-de-sac really fast once and then paused at the mobile home. It was painted in bright colors with images that reminded me of a circus or fair. I decided to go up to it and saw a small window near the entry. As I got closer a tiny but old dog began to bark at me. I went up to it and saw it was blind and had only two teeth. I let it sniff me and it seemed fine until I lost my balance and nearly fell. Then it began to lunge at me, barking and growling. It was kinda funny because it was so old and I did not have to move fast to avoid it.

The home had a ramp built up to a tiny porch. The railings were made of bent branches. I walked up the ramp and would jump up and out of reach of the blind dog. Eventually, though, it nipped me. It felt like a tiny pinch. Someone called off the dog and I looked and saw an elderly couple walking toward me. They had another dog with them that was friendly. They went inside the trailer after talking with me briefly. I remember feeling admiration for them.

As I walked back down the ramp I saw a man approaching only his back was to me. When I got to him he turned around and asked if I had avoided the dog. When I said it nipped me and turned to face me and went on his way after saying something about how it was normal.

I kept walking and saw a sign posted on a chalkboard. It said, “Fresh Brewed coffee served daily. $4.50/pot.” I thought it nice and liked the feel of the community.

My awareness peaked after that and I shifted to a bed inside the mobile home I had just left. I knew I had just died and left my body. I was a dark haired very attractive woman. I watched myself leave the body. I felt my awareness of my death and saw my naked body. Then my awareness was as the woman and I flew out of the mobile home feeling free and wanting to explore.

Messages

I felt myself return to my body. The same vibrations were evident. It is a cold sensation and kinda makes me feel numb. My heart was beating fast but not erratically and it settled quickly.

Laying in bed mulling over what happened I shifted back to the in-between. A male voice from my left began to speak to me, reminding me to be patient. Specifically he said, “Wait” in response to my thoughts about how I have been feeling about my life. He also asked me if I was ready for more OOB travels. This surprised me because I have not been OOB much in a while. I said I would be open to more.

After a brief pause where I began to drift to sleep having thoughts of someone, he said to me, “Don’t change what you cannot bear.”

This brought me out of my reverie and I thought it an odd thing to say. I kept rewording it, saying to myself, ‘He must mean, “Don’t try to change what you feel you cannot bear.'” I knew it meant that it was those things you feel that are unbearable that teach you the most.

A memory of when I found out I was pregnant with my youngest came to mind. I was furious and felt I would not be able to handle another pregnancy and child. It felt unfair and I mourned for the first six months of my pregnancy. Yet now, almost five years later, I have managed just fine. What I thought I couldn’t bear, I could. It all turned out just fine and my life is fuller and more colorful because my youngest is in it.

Then I thought of other instances where I thought I would not make it through a situation. With this memory came a vision from the male presence to my left. I saw two tennis shoes tied together. The shoe on the left was the right foot of a man I know. The shoe on the right was my left shoe. It seemed like I was being told that our paths are one and the same but it is hard to say. Either way, we are joined at least at the feet. lol

I recognized the male energy I sensed to my left as different from the one in my dream. He confirmed and said, “We are all here for you.” It felt like I had a group gathered nearby and the idea of the “intervention” came to me. We talked a bit longer and he reminded me that I need to be strong but also that I need to stop resisting. It felt as if little, irritating things like what happened yesterday are more likely right now and that I need to just ride them out.

The male energy kept sending me a message via song, “And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while, ’cause you’re amazing, just the way you are.”

Big Cat Dream Theme

I keep having crazy dreams with big cats in them. It started off with tigers, shifted to lions and then morphed into all sorts of big cats together.

Here is the progression thus far:

First dream I recall is being in a fenced, paved area. It was full of tigers, all of which were completely soaked and waterlogged looking. I walked through the group of 10+ tigers calmly, petting each of them as I passed, and talking to them. They felt like my pets.

In another dream I was handling tiger cubs. I don’t recall much from this dream except sitting amidst an entire litter of them and thinking them cute.

Last night I had a dream where I was on top of a building that was at least 5 stories high. I was hanging off a flag pole. Below me were various big cats seeming to wait for me to fall so they could eat me. One was on the roof looking down at me. I believe it was a leopard because I distinctly recall seeing spots. Someone below shot one of the big cats – a lion. I knew it was to distract the other big cats so they would forget me. Sure enough, once the lion was wounded all the other big cats converged upon it to eat it. They began to fight over it and I watched as they tore at its flesh and fought one another off. The leopard above me jumped down to join the feast. I was clear to crawl up and get away but the dream ended there.

These are just the dreams that pop into my head. I believe I already wrote about others I’ve had prior to this post. This one and this one for starters.

I can’t help but wonder – Why am I dreaming of big cats all of a sudden?

Firstly, in my most recent dream, the leopard stood out.

Together, the big cats symbolize the following:

  • Passion & Sensuality
  • Courage
  • Strength
  • Cunning
  • Vision
  • Confidence
  • Power
  • Agility
  • Flexibility
  • Action
  • Patience
  • Leadership
  • The Feminine

My intuition tells me that all these dreams about big cats are showing me something about myself that either I am not acknowledging or am afraid of.

Taken along with the dream I had last night about conquering an evil, domineering, controlling, slave-driving woman, it seems I am working on addressing my power and fear of abusing that power, or using it for the wrong reasons and with the intent to harm or control others.

In the distant past, years ago now, I had dream of being surrounded by hundreds of cats. I’m not kidding! In the dream, I found myself on the top of a mountainside talking to one of my guides when a massive group of cats, mostly orange, surrounded me. The message I got was to not be afraid of myself – of my desire. In that dream I was freaked out, though not by the cats themselves but by the impending doom feeling that came over me. Over a period of several years, cats were common dream symbols. Sometimes fluffy white kittens that I cuddled, other times sick and emaciated, and then sometimes just there, staring at me. Not surprisingly, the Kundalini became active around this time as well.

If I go inward, what it feels like these cats are trying to tell me is that I am stronger than I think and to trust myself, my power, and ability to take action when it is needed. There is a sense that my feminine side is especially needing to heed this advice.

The sense that these dreams are pointing at my feminine aspect is further supported by other dreams. I already mentioned killing off a negative, controlling and evil version of myself, but last night I had another dream that subtly points to the feminine.

Dream

In this dream I was walking across the border to Alabama but the scene I saw was me literally standing on a map and crossing a white line.

I then briefly shifted into a room where I was with a group and then I shifted again into a car that was driving across a bridge. I noticed that there were no guard rails on the bridge and began to worry about falling over the edge. I was not driving so I told the driver to stay away from the edge, to stay on the right. He disregarded my requests and I felt very anxious until we were safely on the other side.

Then I noticed the road we were on was on a steep ledge. Again, there were no guard rails to keep us from falling off. Again I was concerned about the left side of the road. I said to the driver, “I don’t like Alabama. They don’t put guard rails on their roads. Who would do that? It’s dangerous! They must have wrecks all the time!” In my mind I envisioned cars nose diving into embankments and people hurt and bleeding from accidentally driving too close to the edge of the road.

Then I was back in the room with the group of people. They seemed to be Native Americans but I only got this idea from the one man I was interacting with. He was thin, with long, black hair, bare chested, reddish skin tone, and had only one arm – his left arm. He had in his hand a protein bar and he handed it to me asking me what I thought of it. I read the ingredients but can’t recall now what I read. I responded that I would not like it and showed him what I did like, commenting on the fiber content. He grabbed it with his left hand and I remember realizing he had no arm and wondering how he lost it. I knew he was born that way somehow and felt bad for him. I imagined what it must be like.

Interpretation

Though this may not seem at all related to the feminine, it is.

The lack of guard rails on the left is a reference to the left side of the body, which is the side associated with feminine traits. The road has no guard rails, which symbolizes no protection, no barrier. So I am afraid of losing myself to the feminine for some reason; afraid of my own feminine power, senses, etc.

Similarly, the Native American man I am talking to in the dream has no right arm. I believe this was to get me to notice the left arm and how he was able to function perfectly fine without the right one. I suspect I was talking with a guide and the discussion we were having was about how I felt about standing in my own power, that being feminine power specifically.

I’m not sure about the symbolism of Alabama, if there is any. It could just be symbolic of stepping into a different “state” of being. lol I laugh because that actually makes sense to me.

The discussion about the protein bar is likely about my preferences. He shows me one that is distasteful and I show him what I like. I cannot recall much about his option except that it was high in fat. My best guess at the symbolism here is that I feel his option is not good for me somehow.

This dream along with other dreams and messages I’ve been having suggests I am being prepped for a potential and/or upcoming decision/event that necessitates my coming to terms with my own feminine power in some way. Signs and syncs have been pointing this out to me as well.

Here is one that comes to mind:

Image may contain: text

Another sync or realization that came to me was related to Athens, GA.

A long-time friend of mine just recently (in December) moved to Athens, GA from Austin, TX. She left everything behind and started brand new, in a place where she knew no one. She has guts, right!? And when I first heard of her move I was jealous. I wished I had her guts. Still do.

But then yesterday, I stumbled upon a dream I had a while back in which I was shown Athens, GA. I had no idea what the dream was referring to because it made no sense with my life or plans. I realized, after re-reading the post, that I was likely being shown something future-related. At the time of the dream I didn’t know anyone in Athens, GA. Now I do.

Anyway, it may seem unrelated but I think is somehow is, I just don’t know exactly how the puzzle piece fits just yet.

 

 

Once an Empath, Always an Empath

Odd clearing dreams the last three nights! Weird progressions mixed with strange mixes of symbolism and characters. Twice now I’ve awakened in tears, too. Seems a purging at a deep level is occurring and I suspect the majority of it is not my personal stuff.

Dreams from 1-08-19

The main one was about J (the lady with cancer who I came to help out at work), only I kept calling her “June”. I remember tending to her and visiting her over a course of time. Each time she seemed okay but was getting gradually worse. Toward the end it looked like she was dying but she would recover and hold on. This happened over and over again and it upset me. I kept crying in my dream and it woke me up in tears. I felt so sad and the sadness was from watching the deterioration of a human life. It also was odd to me that I kept calling her June. I think it may have to do with the time of her death. I wonder, will she hold on that long?

The next dream was about this illness that would cause people to go insane and kill others. I was running and hid in a bathroom where I suddenly needed to take a huge poop, which I did right in front of two other females. There was a child with me and another women. The woman seemed to have the illness and kept grabbing her face and looking off into the distance with terror in her eyes.

When I woke the Coldplay song Don’t Panic – “We live in a beautiful world” – was going through my head as was the song, “You’re amazing, just the way you are…..”

1-10-19

Strange dream about the car last night. I got into the Prius and noticed the gas was all gone. It was so empty that the car was dying and re-starting again and again. Thankfully I was at the gas station and pulled up to the pump. While I was searching for money I saw I had forgotten my billfold, checkbook and phone. My purse was practically empty. I opened the center compartment to see if my husband had left his wallet and it was there along with his phone. I remember thinking of my options after cussing silently to myself. I had no way to contact anyone. The only person’s number I had memorized was my husband’s and his phone was with me. I figured I would have to walk to get help and leave the car at the station.

Then I thought to check in his wallet and found wads of money – $100, $50 and tons of ones. Amazed that he had so much and relieved that I was not stuck there, I prepared to get out and pump some gas. As I opened the door and went to the pump someone was opening my trunk. I yelled at them to stop and just as I did I saw another person jump into the passenger side of the car, grab my coat and run away. I yelled at her as I closed my trunk. Then someone jumped into the driver’s side, locked the door and grabbed the wallet with money. They looked at me as I realized they had everything of mine and my husband’s along with the car key. I had been targeted and fallen for it.

I had a vision too that is mostly lost to me now. It was of what looked like chunks of beeswax filled with honey. It was in blocks and they were stacking one on top of the other. The message I felt it relayed was that this year will be emotional – but good emotion (sweet like honey). It felt like I would meet someone who could reciprocate my desires/needs.

Last Night

Dream 1

The first dream I recall is of being in a living room with a man and woman. They were nurses or healers tending to me. I was welcomed in and asked to take a seat. I sat in a large, plush chair. They were very kind to me as they asked me how I’d been and took an inventory of my symptoms. I don’t remember much here except feeling a strong desire to go poop. I remember telling the male nurse and him encouraging me to do so right there in the chair. So, I did, and in the dream it was very real-like and memorable. I remember feeling very odd being in front of them and in a nice, plush chair like that. The chair was brown I believe.

When finished I sat in my poop as we talked some more (ick!). When it was time to leave I remember mentioning the mess and both nurses told me not to worry. They helped me stand and I had absolutely nothing – no mess at all – on my yoga pants. There was one tiny wet spot that I wiped off but that was it. I thought it very strange that I had been sitting in my own shit (lol) for so long and did not have any on me! The two nurses took the chair over to a bathroom and set it down. I remember seeing the pile of crap in the chair and commenting, “At least it wasn’t diarrhea!” As I left the place I noted the chair sitting by the toilet, soiled but salvageable and thinking the whole situation very odd.

Dream 2

In the next dream I recall I walked into a hotel room where a man was standing and waiting. I was instructed to make him a drink. He wanted Vodka and OJ. I did not know where the Vodka was so he helped me search the bottles until we found it. Then I poured him a drink but when adding the OJ I grabbed some other liquor – Cognac or something – but caught myself before pouring it in. There was another man in the room who commented on my lack of experience. I told him I worked for the hotel but not usually in that capacity.

Then I was with several others who worked with me. We were all overworked and mistreated. It felt like we had no choice. There was a woman who controlled all of us. She was very selfish – evil even – and worked us until we either died or could not work anymore, in which case she would “get rid of us”.

I lay on the floor next to a young man who was very skinny and gawky. I knew him and snuggled up against him. We were both naked for some reason and he allowed me to snuggle but it got to much for him and he rolled over, back to me. I felt huge amounts of sympathy for him and apologized, saying, “I’m sorry. You’re probably not ready for that yet.” I sensed he had suffered much abuse and humiliation, just like the rest of us.

The scene shifted and I was with the evil woman. She was nicely dressed with dark hair wearing Victorian Era clothing that was a deep red velvet with black lace trim. I was dressed similarly and doing as she told me, which I think involved walking the streets and tending to men’s needs. I only remember being forced to walk around and serve others for hours without rest, food or drink. I watched from outside myself as I fell and got up again and again. My legs had bruises all over them and my back hurt really bad. Each time I fell I got up again because I knew if I didn’t she would have someone get rid of me. So I kept getting up even though I began to vomit all over myself.

Eventually, I stumbled and hit my head on a wall going in and out of consciousness. I fell, falling into a lunge position. I heaved but nothing came out. I heard the woman yelling at me to get up and sensed men nearby ready to take me away when I passed out. The woman began to leave, turning her back on me and saying something nasty indicating she was done with me.

In a final surge of energy fueled by my will to live and take back my power, I grabbed a pole with an ornamental tip made of mahogany. I lunged forward, aimed it at the woman and drove it through her solar plexus. I pushed until it stopped, embedded in a wall. The woman was skewered and died while looking at me with shock in her eyes.

The dream shifted and I was floating over a nice house on the edge of the water. I was being told it was the woman’s house and though it looked plain on the outside, inside it was grand like the inside of a mansion. The woman did this purposefully so that no one knew her true nature. There was a boat ramp that shone a brilliant white stretched out over the water. I landed on it as the man with me told me, “What is on the outside very seldom matches what is on the inside”.

The man (guide) with me seemed to be gone and in the same instance my friends from the hotel landed on the ramp in front of me. The gawky young man stood in front of me and a woman was to his right. They both congratulated me. I hugged the man, wrapping my arms around him. He said to me, “You did a good job!” When he said this, his words struck me deeply. I could feel him very physically and I began to tremble and then shake in his arms. My entire body shook so intensely that I clung to him so that I would not collapse at his feet. I began to sob uncontrollably as I clung to him. The feeling was a mixture of relief and reunion. I felt this man knew very intimately my deepest hurt because he had experienced it, too. He shared it with me. He KNEW and because of that I felt immense relief at not being alone. So I was able to release emotions long suppressed. Emotion that I hid from others because I knew they would not understand and would judge me.

When I woke I wished that I had someone in my life who understood me like the man in my dream did. I suddenly wanted to reach out to a person I knew understood. In my mind I began to write a letter sharing my experiences and many other things that I would not – could not – share with others. It felt good thinking about this. Real. What I shared in my mind was not my stuff but a sense of the other’s stuff – issues, feelings, fears, hurt….guilt and shame. I knew I had taken on these things in an attempt to help. My guidance pointed it out to me and I said, “I know.” In my heart I know I would take it all on if I had to.

Message: Awakening

Surprising night of dreams.

First, I woke around 4:30am and couldn’t go back to sleep because I heard this ticking in the walls. It sounded like a clock. I couldn’t find the source of it and had to turn on the fan to drown out the sound so I could sleep.

As I was trying to go to sleep, I felt a presence to my left. When acknowledged a surge of energy went through my body filling me with bliss. It started at my heart chakra and spread outward. I melted into it. He said to me something telepathically – it was more a feeling than words. It felt like I was being asked, “Are you ready?”

Lucid Dream: Zero

The dream began with me inside a high school classroom. I was looking at the lesson plan left by the teacher. It was a history class (review of past lessons) and the lesson was that the kids would read a chapter and then complete a worksheet. Only there was only one worksheet there. I told the class and they encouraged me to make copies of the worksheet telling me there were 20 of them. I left them despite knowing it was not good to leave a class unattended.

I found the copy machine in the lounge and a teacher was finishing up her copy (repeat lesson). She helped me with mine and I pressed in “20” and waited. The machine was glitchy and I recall having to check the copies and redo. The first time I got copies of hand written pages that I accidentally put through. The next time I had fewer copies than I needed and had to put in 5 more. The button would glow blue and I would have to press it again. I remember feeling nervous that it was taking so long and the kids were still in the room alone.

Eventually, an older Asian man came in and set some things down in the middle of the floor by the machine. He had with him many objects including a sheet cake with chocolate frosting that he set on the floor in front of me. I believe it was my birthday cake (new journey). He then lit the candle on the cake but they began to melt into the frosting and light the cake on fire (Kundalini or passion perhaps?). I leaned down and began to blow out the candles and the fire on the frosting. I remember saying the cake was fine after I blew out the fire.

Then I walked into a classroom filled with adult students. There were long tables in rows facing the font of the class. I took a seat at the front table but it was not the seat I originally wanted. Someone had taken my seat. I said aloud, “I guess I have to sit here since someone took my seat.” I saved a place to my right for someone but I do not know who.

The class was like an anatomy class and the teacher handed out stickers we were to place on our partners on the correct muscles.

Then I was entering the class (lesson) again and sat down at the second table. A man was seated in front of me and was not wearing a shirt. I could see his broad shoulders and muscular back. I had with me the stickers to place on my partner and said to him, “I prefer you as my partner. I can see your muscles very well. Everyone else (looking around the room) has at least 1 inch or more of fat covering their muscles.” I remember looking at the woman who had taken my seat and all the people at the front table as examples.

I began to place small, crescent shaped (moon, feminine) stickers on the man’s back. The sticker sheet resembled an image of the inside of the mouth with teeth (fulfilled wishes). My memory goes from the stickers to the man’s back, specifically his broad shoulders.

The man then invited me to come with him. I agreed. He took me through a door into what he called the “otter room”. I saw canals of water (emotion) that was flowing like a tube-shoot at a water park. In the water I saw several otters (playfulness, good fortune) swimming and a huge brown bear (independence, strength, death/renewal) chasing one. I said to the man, “There is a bear chasing the otter!” He responded as if it were normal but I was shocked.

At some point we joined with others and I realized we all seemed quite young – 20s maybe. The man I was with was suppose to be with another woman but she was not there. The dream is quite fuzzy here but I remember the man and I getting close, face to face, our bodies rubbing up against each another. His chest was still bare but he was wearing bluejeans. He was quite handsome and I enjoyed being close to him and feeling his bare chest pressed up against me. I felt him become aroused and knew he wanted to kiss me. I allowed him to and the kiss seemed to bring about lucidity all at once but I was able to stay stable in the moment and enjoy the kiss. The sensations of it all were very real.

He stopped, out of breath, and looked at me, pupils fully dilated from the passion he was feeling. All I remember of this part of the dream was the way he looked at me. It was fantastic. lol We stayed there facing each other and holding hands for a while. He called me by a nickname I can’t remember and I said, “What do you want to be called?” He smiled and said back to me, “Zero.” Only the word sounded more like, “Cero”, like he had a Spanish accent. I responded with, “Cero? I like that!”

Then we kissed some more. I remember the scene we were in to be swirling with a golden color. Always in motion as if we were creating the space with our energy. It felt neither to be inside or outside. The golden color is very prominent in my memory.

He stopped, out of breath, and said to me, “I want to fuck you.” lol I was fully agreeable and he took my hand and led me toward a door. Fully lucid at this point, I was thinking to myself that I needed to keep my emotions and feelings in check so as to not lose lucidity. I wanted to be able to go all the way in a lucid dream without waking up. Surprisingly, I was able to remain very stable in the scene and remember the man turning and looking at me expectantly as we walked toward the door. I could feel my hand in his and sense the anticipation building.

Sadly, as we walked through the door the scene dematerialized and went black. My awareness briefly returned to my physical body and then exited back to the golden dream scene only the man I had been with was gone. I was surrounded by a group of young men. The energy from them was intense and full of passion and arousal like the man I had been with before. Usually, this kind of energy would intimidate me but I was not at all bothered by it. It seemed normal and I trusted that they would all keep themselves under control, which they did.

I told one of the young men I wanted to find Cero. He said he would help but that he wanted to show me something first. He took my hand and led me to a large, white RV (feeling empowered, live life to the fullest), like a Winnebago. The group of young men followed. As I climbed the stairs into the RV one of the young men who was behind me seem to insert something into my anus, or at least it felt energetically like that. This is not unusual for me to feel in my root chakra as I have had many experiences of tubes or cylinders seeming to be inserted via my root and then go all the way up to my crown. I tried to keep going but the sensation stopped me and my root chakra began to activate to the point of pulling me out of the lucid dream.

Message: Awakening

The song by the Black Keys – Fever – was going through my mind when I woke up. I began to mull over my dreams. Images from my dreams kept flashing through my memory. The cake that was on fire was one of them. The RV another.

Then I couldn’t help but think of the ticking I heard in the walls. What was that? I was reminded of an Edgar Allen Poe story about a beating heart. I couldn’t remember the title and began to try to remember it. When I did I saw distinctly a poem written in front of me. The title was huge and written in beautiful calligraphy. It said, “Awakening.”

This woke me briefly and then I settled back into the in-between. Not long after a hand-written letter was presented to me. I saw my name and then began to read it. The message had to do with the process I am going through, but, of course, I can’t recall it now despite repeating it to myself mentally more than once. Whatever the message, it was not a bad one.

 

 

Cinderella and the Beast

Strange night of dreams but at least I woke in a much more positive mood. My first thought was, “Uranus isn’t retrograde anymore.” I am secretly celebrating this, though I’m not sure why. lol

Dream: Covered in Glitter

I was going to a large meeting and told my signature was needed on some paperwork. All sorts of people attended, some very odd. It seemed like I had entered into fairy tale (hidden potential) land by the looks of everyone around me. The women wore long ballgowns and the men were nicely dressed in suits and ties. I remember watching as each was invited to come sign a long scroll-like paper (hidden potential and knowledge). It was to sign in the new president of Texas. I was aware we don’t have a president of Texas and it confused me. I kept saying, “Governor” and others would correct me and say, “No, president!” lol Note: As I write this I am thinking of the song Deep in the Heart of Texas and feel the symbolism of Texas in my dreams = heart or center/core.

I remember seeing these tiny people who were no larger than the length of the pointer finger. One announced his anniversary with his partner who he pointed out across the room. He was a tiny man dressed in a tiny suit. I went over to investigate and picked up what looked like a tiny toothpick broken in half. The tiny man seemed to object and I realized it was a tiny sword or knife. I also opened a chest full of other tiny items which fascinated me but quickly put them away.

The wait seemed forever and I left for a while, wandering into a classroom where I was opening up my locker to move my things out. I told two men – teachers – I had been reassigned. When I saw all my things were athletic gear like dodge balls and other items I was not sure what to do. One joked as I took my stuff and left.

Back in the room with all the dressed up people the line to sign the scroll was still very long. A break was ordered and people began to leave. I went past a huge metal box that was as big as a room and then turned to go back to the signing. My name was called and when I went to sign the paper I was pulled up into the air and a dress was fitted over my head. It was blue and looked like Cinderella’s dress (there is a happily ever after, maybe feeling underappreciated or overlooked). As I was set down glitter (need to pay attention)  was poured all over me. By the time my feet touched ground I was covered from head to toe in sparkling, silver (feminine) glitter (be outgoing, “shine”). Everyone congratulated me as I went up to sign the paper. When I signed, my mom asked me what name I used. I told her and she said, “Why did you sign that name?” I looked down and saw my current married name written on the scroll and told her, “Because that’s my name.” I then carefully molded out the first letter of my name with thin metal. The letter was from my legal name, not my nickname.

Still in my blue, Cinderella gown and covered entirely in glitter, I was guided toward a man – the King (Divine Masculine maybe?) – who was seated up high in a chair to my left. On my right was an empty chair – or throne. I felt him to be my partner and remember saying to him, “But I am covered in glitter” as if mattered. As it settled in that we were  partners, I asked him, “What about your wife?” He seemed not to care and looked me straight in the eyes. He was familiar and he glowed with light as if he were also covered in glitter. I felt this odd sensation or energy come over me as I looked at him.

Then it was as if a pane of glass was between us that seemed to be there and then not be there. I looked down and saw my gown burst and rip at the seams. Long, brown hair sprouted all over my body, doubling my size. I saw myself as a beast of some sort and remember thinking, “I look like Sasquatch.”

As I woke, the song from the movie Beauty and the Beast was going through my head.

I promise I have not recently watched either Cinderella or Beauty and the Beast! lol The entire dream was quite odd but also fascinating, especially the part where I started sprouting hair and looked like a Sasquatch. My first thoughts upon waking were about the symbolism of Cinderella and the “beast” I became in the end. Perhaps I am feeling taken advantage of and hope that one day a prince or similar will come in and rescue me? Or maybe it is all about the “fairy tale” ideal girls are taught?

The beast could be a version of myself I am being warned about. Sasquatch in a dream indicates that I will need to be strong in order to get through a particularly difficult social or emotional situation.

All I know is that the “King” in the dream was the same man from my last dream and he was glowing again. So weird! And the pane of glass was odd as well. Perhaps I can see/am aware of the man but something I cannot see/am unaware of is keeping us apart?

I tried to ignore the dream – to forget it altogether – but I couldn’t. I kept seeing myself covered in hair. LOL Interesting enough, hair symbolizes strength, so not only does looking like Sasquatch suggest I will need to be strong, but so does growing hair all over my body.

If this is what Uranus going direct does to me then I have an interesting 6 months to look forward! Uranus goes retrograde again on August 12th. 🙂

 

Dream: Review of the Past

No tears in dreamland this morning. 🙂 I can’t say that the dreamwork has stopped, however. Seems a type of guide-led life review is in the works. These happen every once in a while but I suspect they are on-going as this life unfolds. The life reviews that I notice most, however, are the ones where I am conscious of my reaction to viewing certain incidents and/or patterns that I am being shown. Last night was a good example of this.

Dream: Review of the Past

This dream is fuzzy for the most part with certain scenes more vivid than others. I will do my best to recount as fully as possible.

The dream begins with me looking up my mom’s driveway at the gate. Someone has left a mess and so I go up to investigate. I am warned to be careful but have no fear as I pick up what look like large, yellow, plastic pipes with inserts. I pick them up and put the inserts inside and mention how someone must have taken them. I put them aside and a car pulls up.

Then I am on a road in Montana. I am in the car with my ex. We are young, probably in our first years of marriage. I do not recognize the road but it is typical of most roads in the state – two lanes with nothing but wide-open space and tall grass on either side.

My ex takes me to a club. We often went clubbing early on. He liked to country dance and hang out in bars with friends. This particular club felt sleazy to me. The women who worked there reminded me of topless dancers though there was nothing to indicate they were anything other than ordinary waitresses.

The dream gets fuzzy here but I remember talking to someone about my marriage and my treatment of my husband during that time. I make a statement – an evaluation of my time with him. Though the exact words are lost to me, it was along the lines of recognizing how the things that upset me were pointless and my focus on them a distraction from appreciating life and the beauty that surrounded me. I have had this realization before but in this dream it was particularly humbling. I remember seeing every moment with my ex in one streak of golden light that passed in front of my eyes from left to right. Contained within it were images – faces mostly. The feeling I got was very tense, like a ball of coiled up string. With it I remembered how I felt after our divorce – regret at how I treated him, the love I felt that was not expressed as often as it should have been, and the sadness that was left behind.

Back in the bar, another man joins us and is flirting with me. I am not attracted to him and ignore his advances but before I know what is happening he is beneath me sucking on my toes (someone trying to reassure me that I am progressing). I pull away in shock thinking him very strange.

As we leave the woman waitress invites me to return the next night – Tuesday.

I return the next day with my mom early in the morning – around 10am. The waitress greets us and asks us if we want to order lunch. My mom orders popcorn (positive growth) and comes back dropping half of it on the floor as she walks. I say to her, “Mom! You dropped half of your popcorn!” She doesn’t care and grabs a handful and eats it.

The bar is almost empty and as I look around I notice all the walls are garage doors (feeling stuck or “parked”). Some are open and some closed. When we attempt to leave all the doors begin to close, trapping us inside and leaving only one exit (only one path forward). The waitress tells me our car will be pulled inside and we can leave through the one open door.

Dream: Contract Advice

I am sitting at a desk with a woman sitting on my left. Another women is sitting across from us. There is a computer monitor on the left of the woman. The woman is looking at the screen and being shown paperwork she is to fill out electronically. I am giving her advice about the contract which feels like a mortgage. She is concerned about her credit score and asking how long it will take for it to improve. I tell her that it should take about 5 years. She doesn’t like hearing this. I say, “5 years is nothing. It will fly by. You’ll see.” In my mind I am reminded of how fast my life has passed me by since I had children. Then, I tell her about my own experience and how quickly I was able to correct my score and then corrected myself and said it was not my credit I was fixing but another’s.

As I tell the woman to my left about how lucky she is to not have to sign a huge stack of paperwork the lady behind the desk continues to talk and looks straight at me as if I am not there. When the lady finishes speaking she pulls out a pile of papers and says to me, “I printed these today.” She handed me one of the papers and I look at it. It seems to be insurance policies. I can still see the boxes and lettering in my mind now, but cannot remember the words. I turn to a page that is about insurance that covers car accidents. It covers all vehicles for the life of the person who owns the policy. I see a flash of a white car whose bumper is crumpled in with a gash in the passenger side door. I remember thinking that I will buy the policy because it is a great idea and costs only $5 a year. I see in my mind all the cars I have owned and how few accidents I have had but think it a good idea to get the policy “just in case” I have an accident.

Interpretation

I woke up knowing that I was looking for assurance that my life choices would be covered if I were to make a mistake. It also felt like there was a type of contract negotiation going on where I was telling a version of myself about how long it would take to repair my “credit”. Perhaps “credit” = karma? And “contract” is referring to the length of time it will take to repay karmic debt? The number 5 repeats in this dream making me wonder if perhaps it will be another 5 years before the contract is complete. To think of that length of time is daunting but at the same time I know the advice I give myself in the dream is true – time does indeed fly. 5 years is nothing!

Memories

I spent very little time thinking of the contract dream and shifted back to the first one. It is quite humbling as I recall the flash of memory. It is obvious to me that the same pattern is repeating in my current marriage. I feel like crap and say to my guidance, “I’m not doing good.” I am told, “You are doing just fine.” There is some agonizing at my own actions and how I can’t seem to stop acting/behaving in a certain way in response to certain circumstances. It doesn’t make sense and I feel caught in a trap of sorts. My guidance reminds me that I purposefully chose this human body and personality for a reason. With this reminder I feel as if I am playing a role and doing so as rehearsed. At the same time this feeling is rejected and feels wrong. I am conflicted by this juxtaposition and do not know how to respond.

For some reason my memories shift back to my “other” life with my ex. One particular moment stands out. I am at a karaoke bar with my ex and some of his friends. I go up and sing. It goes so well they encourage me to go up again. I do but I cannot find the right key and end up feeling foolish and stepping down feeling embarrassed. I don’t go up and sing again. Everyone is understanding but I feel humiliated and angry and sit there quietly until we leave. The song I failed at singing was, The Thunder Rolls, by Garth Brooks. I screwed up because I have to sing it an octave higher than it is written and when the song began to play I was unable to find that higher octave.

The song has stayed with me all morning. Specifically the “thunder rolls and the lightning strikes, another love grows cold…”

This memory is one of those that stands out from the rest. And the review I had in the dream was like that. All I saw were moments that stood out. The rest was a blur. That is how memory is in general. The past is just a blur of feelings mixed in with occasional vivid moments that stick in the memory. The general feeling when it is all over is what sticks. Just like a dream, we come out of life with a feeling that summarizes our experiences. Each phase of life “tastes” unique and blends with the next until there is a full meal of varying flavors in the end.

When I think on the memory of that karaoke moment I am reminded of my overall “serious” outlook on life. I should have laughed at myself. I should have relaxed and had more fun. I am reminded of how, just recently, I sang karaoke and did just that. It was fun, not serious at all.

I am aware of my tendency to retract within myself when I feel negative emotion, to lash out at those around me. Though aware of this tendency and despite intending to change my response, I end up repeating the cycle over and over.

The memory of that long past incident feels like an indicator of what was to come. Even now I recall the road we drove to the bar, vivid flashes in my mind. I can see the inside of the bar, the drinks, the crowd and the music. I remember feeling out of place, lost and unsure of myself, my life and where I was going.

With all this memory and realization I wonder to my guidance, “What do I do?” I see the same junction in my life as back then. So many similarities. The choices I made back then, were they the wrong ones? Were they the right ones? Is the solution to stick it out or to get out while the gettin’s good? And through it all I feel like no matter what I do, I am trapped in a certain path. That all decisions will lead to the same final outcome. Like I am doomed to play out this life with this personality and have little control over any of it. It feels unfair. I feel like I can’t help but be the “bad guy” in the end. Hurting everyone despite trying to do the opposite. When I think of making significant connections with others, I think that is probably best that I don’t in the end because I will likely screw up their life. I think, “They’re probably better off without me.” And sadly – honestly, I believe that to be true.

And to think, when this life is over, all that will be left are impressions, emotions blurred together with occasional flashes of insight. I guess all I can do is focus on how I want the memory to taste.