Dream Theme: New Job Assignment

Since my last post I have had trouble sleeping. Maybe it’s the energies of the full moon or some other influence but I can’t fall asleep. Normally I go to bed around 9pm because the kids wake at 6:30am for school and inevitably so do I. However, for three nights straight I don’t fall asleep until midnight or 1am. That means for three nights straight I’ve only gotten 4-5 hours of sleep when normally I get 8-9.

When I sleep I have strange dreams all centered on the same dream theme of me being given a new job. After each dream I wake suddenly as if in surprise at around 5:45am, well before I have to wake up. Then I can’t return to sleep. 😦

Dream: Job Assignment

In this dream I was told I was to be assigned to this well-to-do man who could get me into a position as an administrative assistant or similar. I was not keen on this type of work but went accepted it anyway. The woman talking to me gave me the impression of a man who had several prostitutes working for him. It put me off but then when I met the other woman I felt at ease.

The main thing I recall is fixing my hair (evaluating a new way of thinking, new perspective). When I brushed it the color changed from a dull, medium blonde (dish water blonde) to a vibrant, flaxen blonde (vibrancy) that curled on the end. It looked like Barbie hair. I put it up in a side pony tail.

Then I met the man who was to get me the job. I can’t remember what he looked like now but in the dream it seemed like he was making war with others.  He was also throwing large pallets full of money (success, prosperity). Very odd imagery!

Dream: Four Friends

In this job I was watching a detective trying to question people about a theft. I remember not knowing where I was and being a bit confused. Eventually I was with him and three others sitting outside at a picnic table. One man was a police officer (structure, rules) dressed in uniform. Another was a pregnant (experiencing connection) woman. I suddenly recognized the feeling I had and said to the group, “Can you feel it? We are all connected.” One woman gave me a frantic look and I said, “No, not like that. We don’t have to be romantic but it is obvious we were brought together for a reason.” I felt confident that I was right.

I then went to a truck (hard work) that was parked on the side of the road. Across the road was a strange mesa and I mentioned to the man I was with that I missed the mountains (knowledge, spiritual truth). I told him about them and as I spoke I could see them in the distance. I remember calling them “Blue” and mentioning Montana.

Eventually I was in the truck. An old friend of mine was driving me north and she was irritated to be there with me. Long ago she cut ties with me so I understood her upset. She took me on a road that had heavy construction (rebuilding life, surge of confidence) and then to a house where I was to be given my next job.

Inside the house I waited in a small bedroom. Curious, I looked through the drawers and saw several pill bottles (healing), sexual lubricant and a tube of estrogen cream (sexuality, the feminine). I knew somehow the woman was pregnant and had to use the cream but I was grossed out.

Dream: Movement Manager

This was last night’s dream. I was with my sister and recall eating pizza (choice) stuffed with veggies. Then a woman arrived and announced we had both been given jobs because of our background as teachers. The woman was very excited and assured us we would not be disappointed. My sister was all for it but I was suspicious. Why would someone just give me a job?

She took us inside the place we would be working. It had the highest ceilings (spiritual perspective) I had ever seen and I mentioned it was high enough for a second floor. There were three desks in the center of the room and around it were other cubicles and workstations. It was obvious the ones in the center were the higher positions. Turns out the desks were ours and we were to be supervising everyone in the building. I also discovered we were to be working for Mazda but we weren’t selling cars we were managing the people who owned cars (life paths). Our main job was the answer the phones (communication). I remember thinking that would be a very boring job but then reconsidering because it would be “good money”.

Then we were being introduced to the others I felt very uncomfortable because I had no experience with management. My sister fit right in but I lingered in the back unsure of what was going on. The lady in charge began to call out names to announce us to the company. Mine was called but I did not go up front. My sister did and tried to get me to go but I wouldn’t. Turns out they replaced me thinking I was a no-show but the lady in charge found me and told me she got me back my position. I was told I would be making $29,000/year (adds up to 11 again). I remember telling her, “That is not as much as I thought. My family can’t move to Dallas on that kind of salary.”

I woke suddenly then and wondered about the dream. I heard, “Movement Manager” out of the blue. For some reason I was not happy at all when I  woke up.

Observations

In the last few days I have noticed some shifting in the energy and in myself. I’ve been feeling slightly anxious in the evenings. Nothing major but mostly I can’t get my mind to shut up. There is something I sense that I can’t quite put my finger on and it is unnerving.

Then I’ve also noticed that while I am going about my day and not particularly thinking of anything that there are conversations going on in the background of my mind. Yesterday this was happening a lot and I would catch myself mentally telling someone something that made no sense to this reality. Strange phrases and such that were out of place. I can’t recall them now but I briefly wondered if perhaps I was getting a glimpse of another reality/dimension – like I was dialed in. It annoyed me, though, because it made my normally quiet mind seem like a radio station.

Yesterday I was visited by a butterfly in the park. I took some photos and then afterward it landed on my left shoulder and stayed there for some time. Even after that it flew back toward me almost like it was drawn to me.

Puppy Time

This afternoon we are going to drive down south to take a look at five puppies and select the one who is to be the new addition to our family. It is a 2 hour drive, though, but hopefully it will be well worth it. The puppy will not be cheap – $500 – but I am prepared to pay for a breed I know will be good for my family. Since we are getting a miniature Australian Shepherd the cost is higher – they are in demand. Standards are about half the price. I believe I paid $225 for my Trooper way back in 2000.

You may wonder why we don’t just get a dog from the pound. Mostly it is because I want an Aussie. If we get a pound puppy (lol) then we don’t know what we will get. We roll the dice. I know the temperament of an Aussie and really don’t want to end up with a dog that will be hard to manage or have issues. My BIL just had such an experience with a puppy he got from the pound. Not saying that dogs in the pound are bad but I just don’t want to take a chance.

One of the things that is on my mind at night and causing anxiety is the new puppy. I keep having anxious thoughts – what if it gets sick and dies? What if we can’t afford the puppy? What if he runs away? …. What if’s like that. I also had a resurgence of grieving for Trooper. I feel like such a sap and am really hard on myself for my perceived “weakness”. It seems wrong for me to grieve so much for an animal when in comparison I hardly grieved at all when I lost my grandparents and father.

Anyway, we will see what happens. We may get there and I may dislike the sellers and the feeling there. Who knows. Here are the puppies we can choose from:

 

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More Sadness and Messages: Progress and Removal Order

Since my post on my last Kundalini experience I have been emotional again. It’s not all the time and mostly I have no clue from where the emotion originates. There was a bout of emotion prior to the Kundalini dream but it was nothing compared to the emotion since. I assume this crying is the result of clearing blockages, maybe in my “forest green” heart chakra, but I am long past caring now.

As has been the usual, the emotion usually hits me when I am alone. Sometimes there are thoughts that precede it but lately there has been nothing to indicate the source. In fact, one time, after a nice cry, when I attempted to figure out the “why” I actually gave up almost immediately. My thoughts were, “Maybe there is no ‘why’? Maybe it just ‘is’ and none of it is mine. None of it.”

I use to think that in acknowledging the pain/emotion that it would lead to a full release of it. This has proved inaccurate in every way and has only complicated the process by tangling up my Ego in it. This isn’t Ego. That isn’t the source and it is obvious. This isn’t from something that has been done to me or that I have done to another. This isn’t a result. It is a process, a clearing, a moving along the correct path of the energy of Me. My trying to identify with the emotion that is coming up is not going to help nor speed up this process. The emotion is a side-effect and that is all. It is the direct result of imbalance in this system, this physical and energetic body being out of alignment and working hard to get back in balance.

Lately I have been having what I can only call “memories” that liken this experience to a class assignment that I am not enjoying completing for various reasons. It comes with a feeling of “I’m almost done” and an encouragement from within that says, “Don’t give up now. You’re almost there.” The sensation with these “memories” is of being in an alternate reality, like the assignment consists of stepping into this reality for a moment, learning and the stepping back to reassess. It is so real that it often makes this entire physical reality feel like a dream and the other one feel like the real deal. You can imagine how discombobulated it makes me feel. Thankfully I am usually at home and relaxed and so do not end up freaking out from it. It just IS and I accept it.

It is no coincidence that these reality checks came about while I was watching various television series that seemed aligned with my experience in some way. For example, I watched all of Westworld followed by a movie called Otherlife. I watched Awake (really good btw) in amidst the above two and most recently a movie called Never Let Me Go. I am now into season 2 of Stranger Things. All of these movies/series I highly recommend. Can’t wait for the next season of The OA to come out! Just so happens The OA and Awake feature the same actor. 🙂

I was brought to tears in all but the last one for different reasons but usually the emotion was not at all linked to what I was watching. If you have seen any of the above movies/series then you may see a pattern. They all have to do with living in or being aware of two realities at the same time and the struggles therein. This theme parallels one of my own life themes: how to function within one reality while simultaneously being aware of and drawn to another reality others do not acknowledge or believe exists.

I have come to identify the source of my emotional upheaval as homesickness/heartsickness that comes with Memory of this other reality. This is the only thing that feels right. I miss that other reality and the fullness of Self that exists only there (or seems to anyway).

Another interesting realization I had recently is that during the periods when I am having these bouts of emotion my mundane life seems to explode in activity. This busyness is a great distraction and seems to shift me into my “other” self so well that I feel almost normal and the memory of home so far distant that it seems like the dream. I go for what seems like months of normality only to be thrust against my will back into memory. It really is only a week or two, sometimes days that pass before this happens yet it feels like months. Timeline blips? Who knows.

houseDreams

Then there are the dreams. So weird. Last night I had quite a few indicating just how homesick I am.

In one dream I was with an older man who reminded me of my friend David. He and I were discussing something and then standing outside a very old looking mansion reminiscent of an old castle or manor. There was a large sign atop it that said, “PROGRESS” and then below the sign it said, “Home for Women and Mothers.” When I saw it I wrote it down and repeated it word-for-word several times. Then I woke up almost immediately the words still going through my head while seeing the number “9” and knew it was a message that progress is being made.

In yet another dream I was standing in a check-out line at a grocery store. People kept cutting in front of me because they had special reason. For example, one man cut in front of me because he had a receipt in his hand. He told me, “If you place your order ahead of time you get to go first in line.” I was not pleased and felt very impatient. Then the entire store went dark and the check-out ladies told us it was a mandatory 30 second break. The conveyor belts stopped and all movement ceased. I stood there even more impatiently and complained that I would never get out of there. The dream ended with the lights coming on but no one moving or making progress.

When I woke up I shifted into the in-between. I saw the conveyor belt full of groceries. Someone came and cleared it off and placed a piece of paper in front of me. It said, “Removal Order.” I knew it was a message that my removal order had been placed. This woke me up.

In another dream I was inside a bathroom printing off a worksheet. I recall printing two and then on the third try the worksheet printed wrong. It printed on the back of the two other worksheets a large symbol that was very beautiful. I remember then standing in the bathroom and staring at the wall. I visualized my other half coming toward me and kissing me on the cheek. I became very homesick and sad.

Similarly, in yet another dream I was in a living room feeling exhausted and unmotivated. I laid down on a sofa and completely surrendered myself to a man who was with me. He sat down next to me and caressed my hair. I felt such love and friendship from him but instead of it making me happy it made me cry.

When I woke for the final time this morning my eyes were wet from crying. I told my guide that it wasn’t fair and asked why I would be allowed to Remember so much, to Remember what I left behind to be here? All that has resulted is this sadness that never goes away and now I can never go back to how it was before. The Memory is my curse. I am tired of pretending, tired of play acting, tired of this assignment.

 

The Other Kind of Kundalini

I’m going to write about a Kundalini experience that I normally keep to myself. Why? Well, at first I thought I just didn’t want it to be misinterpreted but now I know it is because of my own discomfort with these particular experiences.

Kundalini Dream Experience

I was in a darkened hallway of a large high school that resembled a mall more than a school. My classroom had floor-to-ceiling windows and a typical store entry like one would find in a retail shop. When I entered, the room was empty and there was a laptop computer on my desk. Two female students entered and I greeted them. One was a beautiful African American girl who wanted me to help her with her shoes. She told me they did not fit well. I inspected two different pair – a dress shoe with a small bow on the tip and a pair of loafers. I recall her saying she was a 6.5 but that the shoes were too small. I selected the dress shoe and told her I thought she should wear them and not the “penny loafers” but corrected myself and said hers were not penny loafers. I explained the difference seeming to relish in a memory of my own pair of penny loafers from my childhood.

I told the girls I had to prepare for class and excused myself. Turning to my computer I tried to enter the password but totally forgot the password. I ended up hearing an inner voice ask me who was someone close to me. I cannot recall now what name I entered but the password worked.

That is when a male teacher entered and began talking to me. He seemed a bit aloof, mysterious and quiet. He took a piece of paper and scribbled on it, handing it to me when he was finished. It turned out to be a beautiful work of art, something amazing for the short time it took for him to draw it. I complemented him and asked him if he ever thought of being an author. He said he hadn’t and then showed me another of his drawings. Similarly fantastic, I was in awe of his talent and stared at it for quite a while. This drawing reminded me of a scene out of the movie What Dreams May Come.

This is when the dream gets more lucid. I am not sure what happened but I think now I must have been pulled into the drawing because I was following a naked woman up a very steep, grassy hill. She disappeared over the top and I struggled to climb up. I remember grabbing onto the edge of the top of the hill and hanging there until I was able to pull myself up on top.

On top of the hill I saw the woman entangled in the arms of the male teacher amidst hills of grass. The scene was reminiscent of some fairy fantasy world with tall, weeping willows and a ray of sunlight illuminating the couple. They were obviously in the midst of love making so I kept my distance. The strange thing here is that both of them seemed to merge and then morph into something else. What I recall seeing is a very large, elephant-man but with many appendages that all looked like trunks. This elephant man’s skin was flesh colored and pink with many wrinkles, very much like an albino elephant might look.

The “trunks” reached toward me and one made contact and entered me. I experienced it like intercourse except that it was unlike any sexual encounter I’ve had.  The trunk seemed to move all the way through me, igniting in me a passion that I could not resist.

I tried to disconnect from this massive trunk and get away but the trunk just stretched and extended like some kind of tentacle. In my memory I have the sensation of becoming one with the tentacle-like appendage as an explosion of energy surged up through my center.

All I recall of the rest of the experience is a very pleasurable orgasm that transferred to my physical body causing the dream scene to dematerialize very quickly. It woke me up and as I lay in bed, stunned by what had just happened, the energy lingered and my heart and head began to swirl in a counterclockwise direction. The only way to describe the feelings in my heart and head is to say that they orgasmed while swirling with vivid color. The color most memorable was the bright white that consumed my entire head. Yet I didn’t see the color with physical sight. Instead I felt it and it impressed upon me the color of white.

Still very tired and wanting to sleep, I drifted into the in-between where someone was talking to me and I felt very drunk. Every once in a while I would be awakened by vivid images along with chunks of information. One time I saw large bowls. The largest was bright red. It was the size of a very large mixing bowl but made of some kind of pottery. I could see within the bowl concentric circles that originated from the center and expanded outward in larger and larger rings. Inside of the red bowl was a forest green bowl just a tad smaller in diameter. Inside of the green bowl was a still smaller white bowl that seemed to glow in comparison to the other two. The white bowl then separated from the other two and seemed to be held up for my inspection.  Then I awoke because I recognized the green bowl should not be so dark in color.

Another vision I had was of pairs of numbers stacked one on top of the other. There was someone whispering the top number to me and I repeated it saying, “O – 9”. I recognized the “O” was in fact a “0” and this woke me up as I saw in my mind very vividly “09”. As I woke from this I remember thinking of the 9th chakra.

Along with the visuals I heard part of a song over and over in my mind – “I’m ready for this, there’s no denying. I’m ready for this, you stop me falling….” With the song I heard, “You will fall” in a masculine voice. It was a direct message and one I’ve heard before so it woke me instantly. I could not return to my reverie after that. The song is still prominent in mind.

Considerations

I recognized after waking fully that the “elephant man” in my dream was not coincidental. I am familiar with the Gods of Hinduism and so knew there was a God who looked like an elephant man, though I was unsure of the name or what he ruled. So, of course, I Googled it first thing.

Ganesh or Ganesha is his name. According to this article, Ganesha is “considered in the Hindu religion to be remover of obstacles, patron of the arts and sciences, and the master of intellect and wisdom”.

“According to Kundalini yoga, Ganesha resides within the first (Root) chakra, and embodies the energy of transformation required to initiate change, transformation, and the overcoming of obstacles or pending issues. A great way to inspire yourself to push through a difficult flow or daily task, this root energy from the Muladhara (root chakra) helps us move through the remaining chakras with ease and easily access our intuition, making Ganesha a vital element in the path to self-discovery and enlightenment.”

I found many fascinating articles about Lord Ganesha and his symbolic meaning. I especially enjoyed reading his story and the symbolism of the elephant head:

Shiva restoring life to Ganesha, and replacing his head with an elephant’s, means that before we can leave the body, the Lord first replaces our small ego with a “big”, or universal ego. This doesn’t mean that we become more egoistic. On the contrary, we no longer identify with the limited individual self, but rather with the large universal Self. In this way, our life is renewed, becoming one that can truly benefit Creation. It is however only a functional ego, like the one Krishna and Buddha kept. It is like a thin string tying the liberated Consciousness to our world, solely for our benefit.

It always fascinates me how my Kundalini dreams and the messages contained within them relate directly to Hinduism and have from the beginning. One would think that I would become obsessed with learning all I can about the religion, but I’m not. I have very little interest in learning any more than what my dreams and experiences guide me to. I think this is because I don’t need to know all that information, I just need to know what relates to me and my experience as it gives me an idea of where I am on my journey.

As for the sensation of the orgasming heart and head, there are no words to accurately describe it nor would I say that it is something I am drawn to experience again. It was just a new experience and one I assume is part of my process. The colors, too, are very memorable, more even than the “orgasm” sensation and that says a lot.

Of course I had to look up the 9th chakra again and re-familiarize myself with it. This article is very informative as is this one. I did not recall the color of it but I was not surprised to discover that it is….yep…white.

Lunar chakra — (9th) — Located just above the (7th) sahasrara chakra or crown chakra. — Silver or white — The ninth chakra links you to the energies of the moon. It is the main hub for karmic understanding and channeling that governs intelligence, communication with spirit guides, and funnels information about incarnations.

Another sync with the dream is that the 9th chakra is associated with three blueprints of the human soul: Creator, Healer and Teacher. In this lifetime Teacher has been my main theme and in my dream I am also a Teacher, as is the strange and aloof man who creates the beautiful drawings.

The dark green of the heart chakra indicates some clearing is still needed, otherwise it would be a vivid green, or at least that is my interpretation of it.

The message, “You will fall” alarms me somewhat. If I recall correctly the last time I heard it there was a significant and painful lesson learned. I interpret it to mean “fall in love” but I could be wrong. When I heard it this morning I rejected the message and said, “No, I don’t want to. Not again.”

The Reason for my Silence

Finally, the reason I have been hesitant to share these kinds of Kundalini experiences are because they are so sexual in nature. They are more common, however, than the other kinds of Kundalini I experience. I probably have three times more sexual experiences – meaning my physical body orgasms – than spiritual Kundalini experiences. For example, the last time I blogged about the Kundalini I had three such incidents in a row prior to the one I wrote about and it is not uncommon for me to have multiple physical experiences in a night (or sometimes even the day, though rarer).

In the beginning these physical orgasms were similar to any other; however, in the past year or so they have morphed into something quite different altogether. I have never experienced an orgasm with a partner that even comes close which is probably a good thing. I’m not sure I could handle it. lol

My guess is that these very physical experiences are meant as lessons and are preparing me for something to come. When I woke from this experience my first thought was that I “should have known better than to focus on the sensation of orgasm”. I believe that my lesson is to become so use to it, so “bored” with it, that I am unaffected. There is an inner Knowing that if I can ignore it and be unaffected by the vast pleasure (which is SUPER difficult to do!!!) then something far greater awaits me on the other side.

The key, I have learned, is to be the observer, which means not having any attachment to or expectation of an outcome. My human conditioning has me expecting the sexual sensations of a physical orgasm because that is what I am most familiar with. It is also very hard to not attach to the feeling but I believe I am making progress there. At least now I am not “pining” for the experience, nor would I say I feel “addicted” to it anymore. This is a BIG step in and of itself.

There is also no physical counterpart associated with it, which helps immensely. When you get another individual mixed into the lot then it creates all kinds of conflict and only makes it harder to resist the lure of the Kundalini. I now understand why I was told by my guidance early on that I can only have physical Union with another once I have mastered it on my own (wholeness). From my experiences thus far I can at least now say that I am grateful for the way things have turned out thus far. To attempt physical Union would have been disastrous.

 

Lascivious Kundalini

Prior to sleep last night I relaxed into a light meditation and had energy moving up and down my spine and through my body. This energy was brought on simply by my intention to feel it – to remember it. I wanted to see if I could “call it” and it worked. When the energy arrived so did the obvious presence of my current main guide who calls himself Chris. It felt like he was giving me a huge bliss hug. I told him, “I want the truth about myself and what is going on – all of it, even if it is something I don’t want to know.”

Dream: Hotel Guest

I recall being in another country. It felt like Europe and the time frame seemed to be Victorian or maybe later because of the type of clothing I observed around me. I was outside walking on cobblestone streets. In front of me was a large, stone building with stairs leading up to an entrance. The gray stone is still very vivid in my memory as is the heavy, wooden and ornately carved door I walked through.

I was with others in a group and we were staying in the building – a grand hotel (shift in personal identity, transition from old to new) – for the night. We were given rooms and keys and sent on our way. I remember my room number was 186 . I went looking for my room alongside a man with dark hair and a mustache. There was also another young woman with us. I could not find my room at first but finally located it. I remember wondering why the three of us were separated from the others in the group. I found out everyone had been separated into groups of 3 around the hotel. None of the groups were close to the others.

I wandered toward an open area noticing trays of food – candies (indulgences and forbidden pleasure). The candy was made to look like real fruit and placed on realistic leaves and trees. I selected some and ate it. A young girl with long, brown hair was there and spoke with me briefly. She was the one who told me about the groups being split up. This is also when I noticed we were both wearing corsets and elaborate gowns. Mine was yellow with white lace.

I stayed with the young girl for a while and we talked. She was telling me how she would never grow up and how she was stuck living life after life only as a child. Her age was approximately 12-13, maybe a bit older. I reassured her, seeming to know all about her plight. We sat together, me on the edge of a bed and her on a cushioned seat. I recall telling her how to stop the cycle she was in. My advice was for her to accept her life as it was, to accept that she would remain a child rather than resist it. If she did this, then the cycle would be broken and she would finally be able to exit into adulthood. Everything seemed crystal clear to me as I said this to her. I could see how many lives she had lived never growing into adulthood – hundreds of them.

While I was talking to the young girl I had some interruptions that were quite disturbing, though my reaction was to laugh. The first time it happened I was in the midst of telling the girl something and suddenly felt a large, cylindrical object inserted into my mouth and down my throat. In my mind I saw the bare chest of a man and then a very, very fat penis. I actually laughed when I saw the visual and knew who the man was. I said to him (after removing the object from my mouth), “Stop it. Not now.”

The girl I was talking to gave me a look like, “WTF?” LOL But I ignored the man and her look and kept talking.

Not long after I felt the object down my throat again and with it came a very strong feeling of sexual interest. Briefly, I felt pulled into the feeling. It was super intoxicating but I again rejected it. I pushed the man away and said to him, “I’m trying to tell her something!” Though it would seem I was irritated, I was actually smiling when I said it. It felt like a game between lovers, like he was trying to get my attention. And though what he was suggesting would be fun, I had “serious” things to say! lol

I remember the girl telling me how she felt stuck and then me telling her how to end the cycle. Accept it (her life) as is. Right after I said this I again felt something inserted into my throat but at the same time felt the feeling in my lower chakras that I had in the previous Kundalini dream. It was like my entire lower body became my root chakra and at the same time my upper chakras were melting down toward the lower chakras. Imagine yourself melting into your own center and you might get an idea of the sensation of it. I felt the two distinct energies converging in the space between my solar plexus and my heart chakra.

There was a surge of ecstasy that accompanied this. I felt like I was in the middle of an erotica film! All I wanted to do was surrender to this very “dirty” sexual game my partner was playing with me.

I woke up from the surge of ecstasy and it did not continue upon waking. My guide was nearby as I adjusted to wakefulness, energy still covering my body. The region between my solar plexus and heart was especially active and continued to feel pleasant for a while after I woke.

Discussion 

It was 4:30am when I looked at the clock. I told Chris, “What was that all about?” He said, “You wanted to know the truth.” I thought about it for a while and realized I had been talking to the girl, who was also me, and giving her the same advice I had been given previously – Accept it as it is. Apparently I am stuck in a cycle. This cycle keeps me from “growing into an adult”. The cycle involves rejection or non-acceptance of myself as a “child”. The advice is to accept myself as this “child” and only then will I grow into an adult.

Recognizing that, I questioned the strange method he used to get my attention in the dream. What was that all about?

He seemed amused. I received one word, “Lascivious.” HA! Yes indeed!! He said to me, “I will visit again soon.” Of course, I played along and encourage him feeling quite lascivious myself after the experience. lol

He said, “Sleep.” I said to him, “I’m still tired. I want to go back to sleep but you ruined it! How can I sleep after that!?” Yet not long after I did indeed fall asleep.

Dream: Pregnancy Advice

This time I was in a locker room (a new dream theme indicating need for time to recuperate/calm down) with a black woman who had just given birth. I noticed she was very tired and seemed sullen. I went up to her and hugged her, asking her if she was okay. We sat down on a bench and talked for a while. I told her she looked sad and advised her to give herself some time to adjust. “You just had a baby! Give yourself some time.” I said. I looked into her sad, brown eyes and felt so much love and compassion for her situation.

She stood up and stared blankly across the room. She said, “I know I just had a baby. It’s been 7 months but my body is still recovering.” I could feel her emptiness and apathy and sense that she wanted to do so much more but just couldn’t yet. I said, “This isn’t the end of your life, it’s the beginning.” In that instant I remembered how I felt after the birth of my first child. I felt like life as I knew it was over and knew I would never be able to live life for myself again. The recognition of my fate hit me hard and put me into a 9-month deep depression.

I took her hand and said, “You are sad.” She looked up at me, clarity in her eyes, and said, “Yes, but so are you.” This caught me off guard and the reality of the dream hit me full-on. Everything I said to the woman applied to me. Everything. I collapsed to the floor in heaving sobs and woke up feeling decimated.

zebra.jpgVision: Zebra Without Stripes

Wide awake again I recovered from my tears and let the messages sink in. 7 months echoed in my mind and I wondered about the symbolism. Did I give birth to a new version of myself but just not had time to fully recover from it? Am I grieving for what I lost like I did after the birth of my first child? Is this the beginning rather than the end like it seems?

I fell into the in-between while contemplating all of the above. I saw a herd of zebra (individualization, taking the middle ground, wild and free spirit). One was plucked up and out of the herd, it’s black stripes falling off and leaving it completely white. I knew the zebra lost its stripes and that it represented me.

By this time it was 6am and I was definitely not going to return to sleep. I still had lingering energy in my solar plexus and third-eye. My thoughts went to everything going on in my life and to the dreams and messages I just received. That’s when Chris said to me, “Doors will open now.” I felt in my heart that this was true. All I have to do is knock and they will open.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dance in the Rain: Choose Joy

You may be wondering if I’m still doing the happy dance over here. Well, yes and no. Yes, I am still feeling silly. Singing and dancing, playing around with my kids, just enjoying life. Then there is the “no” part. I only said “no” because yesterday morning I woke with a strange “off” feeling in stark contrast to how I have been waking every morning for the past week. Ultimately, it was a premonition of things to come. My husband triggered me and I spent a good part of the morning working with intention and pulling myself out of the heavier energy I allowed myself to fall into. But I  did it. 🙂

This song came to me while I was reversing the energy flow and shifting back into my happy place.

I went to bed feeling happy. 🙂 This morning I awoke feeling happy. Silly songs were going through my mind and I felt like dancing. Honestly, this personality change reminds me of my “drunk” self. I’m a happy drunk, a silly drunk, a talkative, laughing, high-as-a-kite drunk. Some say you become your “real” self when you’re drunk. Perhaps it is true? And now I am just being my real self when in the past I was unable to fully embrace her?

Here is a song that was going through my head when I woke up this morning. Makes me want to spin around and around and around while smiling really big.

So are you tired of my happy posts yet? Anyone disgusted, jealous, or just can’t stand to read my posts lately? (gagging sound) I totally understand. I’ve done a bit of gagging in my life and been completely put off by being around people who are “overly happy to the point of sickening”. I get it. I do. Hate me, pass up my happy posts. I’ll still be happy over here dancing to songs from the Minion’s movie. To be totally honest, I never thought this kind of extended happy feeling could be maintained. I do reality checks often (am I dreaming?) and turns out this is real.

You may also be turned off by my posts because your reality right now is in stark contrast to my own. I’ve been there. It’s tough. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I love you. I hope you can feel it.

The energies right now are brutal! First, there were several intensely powerful gamma ray bursts. Then came the geomagnetic storms that are only now subsiding.

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We are being tumbled and thrown about in a raging ocean of intense energy – energy of extremes – positive/negative, protons and neutrons – cellular restructuring, crystallizing. Just when you come up for air you are pummeled and pushed below the water’s surface again.

By the way, I’m not immune, either. Not only was I triggered by my husband, but my neck has been feeling strange, energy swirling up and around the back of it and at moments causing me to feel as if I have a sore throat on the outside. Try to imagine that…. My lips are peeling like I burned them (I know weird). I’m super hungry and thirsty. So yeah, I have some side-effects, too.

I’ve been asked by others how to ride this wave. No you are not dying. You are transforming and this WILL pass.

My advice has been listen to your body. If you’re tired, rest. If you’re hungry, eat. If you’re thirsty, drink up. If your mind is slowly sending you into a deep, never-ending despair or taking you around in circles, get out of it and into your heart. If you can’t manage that, then occupy your mind with something mentally challenging. Crossword puzzle? Or do something grounding but active like house cleaning, walking, strenuous exercise for short periods.

Sometimes, though, you may just have to allow whatever it is that needs to surface to come up. Then let it go. Harder than it sounds, I know. It takes practice. I am by no means a master at it. It took me all morning yesterday to “let go” and “hold space” for myself and my husband. Setting an intention helps.

Hot salt baths with essential oils are one of my favorite ways to handle intense energies. Sometimes they incite an emotional release. It’s okay. Cry in heaving sobs. Get it out.

Don’t forget to turn to what brings you joy in life. This can be a masterful way of integrating the energies. If you have children, surround yourself in their hugs. Snuggle. Watch a movie together. Veg out. Love to sing? Sing, even if it a sorrowful song. Drawing, painting, gardening, dancing….do whatever brings your heart joy even if at the time you don’t feel that joy.

A question I’ve seen a lot of lately:

I’ve been on this ascension path for what seems like forever! When will it stop?

Hate to tell you, but there is no “end”. We are always ascending. And descending. It’s a spiral. The pain, the discomfort, the struggle will stop when you are done with the experience. Think back to when you were a child. You were curious. You explored your world. You spent hours sometimes just exploring one particular object or space. Sometimes you went back over and over to this space or activity. When did you stop? When you were no longer interested in it. Then you moved on to explore something else. This is how we are as Spirit – forever children in awe and fascination with life and existence. Though you may feel you are “done” and have lost interest in the ascension path, your higher self may still have more to explore and is currently fascinated with whatever experience you find yourself in.

For me, I had to surrender. Completely surrender. I’ve been traveling this path all.my.life, but intensely so since 2003 and even more intensely since 2014. It was only recently that I finally surrendered and I only did so when backed into a corner. I thought for sure I was going to do something crazy, lose my mind, die the most horrendous death. I was ready to commit myself, to take any and all psychiatric medications just to make the pain stop. I had many previous “death” moments, but nothing like this.

On the other side of it, I can see how I chose the path, the pain and despair. Once I surrendered I saw that I could choose love, joy, happiness. That it is an intention. Though I had set intentions previously, I never truly understood the process until now. It is not a mental activity – Think what you want and focus on it and it will come to you. It’s from the heart. It’s a feeling. A full allowance and openness from the heart. There is no doubt, no second guessing, no what if’s. Setting an intention from the mind opens you up to all of the booby traps of the mind and leads to failure. It’s a lot of work, too. You have to keep thinking, focusing, re-stating intention. When it comes from the heart it just IS.

I hope this all makes sense and provides you with some kind of direction, some kind of solace as you ride the storm. If anything, listen to Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head. Hopefully it will make you smile.

 

Gratefulness Challenge

Today I read an article discussing how to make yourself more optimistic. Since I consider myself a realist (pessimist in denial lol) I figured I would read it all the way through. One of the suggestions was to write down five things every day that you are grateful for. Do it for one week and see how it changes your perspective. I thought it was a good idea, so started today. Funny enough, when I got home tonight a friend on FB had posted that she was participating in a gratefulness challenge. Ha! Love how the universe works!!!

So here are my 5 things for today in no particular order. 🙂

I am grateful for:

  • The sun and warmth today. A thunderstorm hit in the early morning hours but as the sun rose, the sky cleared and it warmed to 72 degrees. My kind of day!
  • My three beautiful children. They bring me joy every day.
  • My health.
  • My job and the financial security it brings me.
  • My home/Home.

I plan to do this for at least a week, maybe longer. I will try to post daily, but that may or may not happen considering I am back to work full-time. Join me if you like! 🙂

In Other News…..

I woke my two oldest up early and sent them to the bus stop and they didn’t have school today. Ooops! lolol

All day my heart chakra has been fired up – higher heart, too. My throat has also been very active. Feels like a snake is wound around it and trying to choke me. Ugh. Thankfully, no sickness. Knock on wood.

During my lunch break I saw this sitting across from me:

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No big deal except that it is. I saw it the first time on 12/12/16 and forgot about it. It came along with more 11’s than I could count. When I saw it today I laughed because I realized this box has been sitting there the entire time I’ve been working at this place. Look really closely where it comes from…..

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Sometimes I think Tennessee is stalking me. LOL

Finally, just because it was so odd – On my commute home today at 4pm I was behind two very obviously drunk drivers. One was on a four lane highway scaring everyone who tried to pass them, the other on the interstate. I mentally sent them a note: New Year’s Eve was two days ago…. 😉

 

 

Road Trip

I’m spending today packing and preparing for my road trip to Tennessee tomorrow. I plan on leaving before sunrise which means I need it all ready because I am NOT a morning person and will likely forget something important (like my purse lol). Picking up my friend in Dallas and then it’s a straight shot from there. We plan on being there at least until October 3rd, maybe longer. I don’t plan on blogging while I’m gone and will update when I return.

I’ve been struggling since the full moon. The energies have been very off kilter. I have not felt so much inner conflict since 2001 or maybe during my Dark Night. It’s been a push-pull, tug-of-war feeling pretty much constantly. Thankfully the energies have settled since the Equinox and I feel more balanced than I have in quite a while. I’m hoping this reprieve is not brief and will last me through the end of the month. I hear the 26-27th are suppose to be intense. Hopefully not so much that I end up back in an internal tug-of-war.

If you have been struggling like me then a big ((((((hugs)))))) to you. A hug is what I have been craving the most. I just want to find my safe place/person and never let go. The vulnerability that comes with this kind of internal shake-up is akin to feeling tossed into a sea without a life jacket or life boat. Just now I am remembering all the dreams I’ve been having about floods, swimming pools, dark lakes/water, etc. Just had another last night in fact. That along with dreams of runaway cars and brakes not working, you get an idea of what this craziness is doing to me.

The despair and apathy has been the worst. It is like the entirety of my current and past life is crumbling away in front of me. Of course, nothing physically has changed but it feels unsteady, shaken up and ready to collapse and I can’t get my bearings. Where is North? What is up? What is down? One can’t help but get a feeling of impending doom yet at the same time there is a silver lining feeling accompanying it. Like the sun is about to come out if I can just hang on a bit longer.

Right now I am just happy to have a return to a bit of “normal”. There are physical symptoms the past couple of days suggesting a huge download in process. Sleeping deeply and waking up to horrible hot flashes and sweating. It takes me a good hour to get to the point where I am cooled down. My guidance is fairly quiet again and the messages have stopped. There have been brief stirrings of Kundalini but nothing substantial.

The timing of this trip appears to be just right. Soon I will be surrounded by my spiritual family and friends. I will be in a safe space energetically which I feel is necessary for some of the changes that I feel are coming my way. I read this morning that October will be a month of change. We’ll see. Hoping it is good change without the crazy, unbalanced energies.

See you in October!

For a good explanation of what is coming on or near the 26-27th, read this post on the Eris/Uranus Conjunction.