Surrender

I know I have not written much on my personal spiritual journey for a long while, other than to post an OBE or two. Spiritual experiences continue, but are unclear initially and need much processing. Plus, I am observing the impermanence of experience and waiting for information to process – to solidify – before I share it. This goes against the grain of my previous personality, I know. Rest assured, the part of me that wishes to blurt out everything I experience is still here but has learned to stand down and allow the process to unfold. There is much wisdom to be found in patient observation. Patient – also a word that I would normally not use to describe myself. 🙂

This morning when I woke I had clarity where there has been none for quite a few weeks. Mercury retrograde threw me into the mind more than the norm and, thus, made it difficult for me to feel through situations as they arose. Thankfully, the incidents during retrograde were mostly minor in nature – a broken Smart TV and stove burner ignition – along with other materially-oriented irritations and annoyances. Anything material/physical was really pushing my buttons during the retrograde. Thankfully, it is over now.

I have been receiving messages for some time now about “the Event” everyone has been talking about. Honestly, I have not read anything online about it and other than my own, personal “event”, have not sought out any information. Regardless, my guidance has been nudging me toward understanding and provided some insight.

Discussion

This morning a discussion was on-going but I only got a glimpse of the end of it. I was reminded of a friend of my sister’s who I also knew. His name was Wesley and he was a wild, free-spirit young man who had many inner demons he was avoiding confronting. He avoided them by taking drugs of all kinds and drinking alcohol. It was obvious he was an alcoholic and very self-destructive. It was as if he was out to kill himself via drugs/alcohol. In the time I knew him I witnessed his behavior and even one time passed on a message to him from his father who had died when he was younger. He was so overwhelmed by my message that he began to ask me how I knew and proclaimed my gift must be made up, composed of guesses that just happened to be truth. It deeply affected him, I could tell. Later that night he snorted cocaine and was wilder than ever.

I remember my sister telling me several years later of a horrible accident. Wesley had been on an island vacation partying as was his style. He was up on the fourth floor of the hotel, sitting on the railing and suddenly fell backward and over the rails. He ended up landing on a fence below, breaking his back and nearly dying. He ended up a quadriplegic, unable to move anything but his head.

Afterward, he fell into a deep depression. His girlfriend at the time ended up sticking by his side, dedicated to him to the point of marrying him post-accident. The last I heard he had regained use of his arms and was happily married and doing well despite his disability.

In remembering this man’s story I thought that he had been forced to confront his demons via life events. He was drunk and high when he fell and broke his back. The accident forced him to awaken to that which he was trying so desperately not to see. He followed the path of sobriety later and as a result the path of healing. I do not know how he is today but I feel that he is much wiser and more appreciative of life now.

A message I received from my guidance related to Wesley’s story was that sometimes, when we refuse to wake up to something, we have to force ourselves to awaken so that we see what it is that we need to see. In these instances a traumatic life event often is the “force” that awakens us.

My guidance and I discussed the trauma happening worldwide to wake up portions of the population. This goes hand-in-hand with a feeling I have been having about the collective. It seems that in order for collective humanity to wake up, something traumatic must occur. I sensed that there would be more trauma worldwide in the coming years last night. I remember thinking, “Apocalypse?” I heard back, “Not that bad but things will get worse.”

For a very long while I have had a Knowing that part of humanity will ascend and part will not. It seems that this ascension is coming to a “T”. The more force/pressure there is, the more people will react. It is just part of the process and a necessary one.

Other experiences I’ve had indicate that some will “see” the process as it occurs and be aware of the split timelines as they occur, while others will not.

Surrender

Our discussion then turned to my past experiences related to and a result of December 2015 – the ever-dreaded “twin flame”-type experience. Now, on the other side of such an experience, I have so much more perspective. I am able to see very clearly the true nature of such connections and the lessons they provide. The energy dynamics are especially obvious. Not only is there an unhealthy, obsessive need to connect and be with the other person but the imbalance created in the energy body in and of itself is phenomenal! It is a completely illogical process meant to thrust a person directly into full-awareness and confrontation of their inner demons. It is, in essence, a “traumatic” experience. 😉

I sensed through it all “this is not good for me” yet at the same time I knew it could teach me something and I chose to submit fully to the experience rather than resist it. This decision, as it turns out, was the right one.

Ultimately, the experience taught me about extremes and how to choose the middle path of balance. Duality is all about extremes and the best way to navigate through it is to seek the middle road – the path of balancing those extreme energies – or as my guidance says, “Follow the 8 winds”. In the end, the only way to recover from the “twin flame” experience was to surrender fully to it.

I think what most people don’t get, because I didn’t get it, is the act of surrender and what it truly consists of. It is not “giving up” or “giving in”. The very act of giving up implies that you “lose” something, that you are “wrong” or made a “mistake”. This consideration in and of itself will prevent full surrender from ever occurring. Surrender doesn’t mean you lose or fail. Surrender means you are seeking to be one with the experience. When you can do this, you have entered into- merged with – full acceptance.

The tendency is to approach surrender from the mind – to mentally “surrender” via affirmations or decisions to surrender or let go. This doesn’t work. True surrender doesn’t occur via the mind. Mental constructs only serve to build up resistance. Construct = construction = build up. We need to tear down, de-construct. It is all via feeling, via our energy, that progress is made. The mind is just an afterthought and distraction.

I cannot put into words what complete surrender is other than what I wrote above. It just IS and until you experience it for yourself you will not fully grock it. The feeling of it, when it occurs, is peaceful and flowing. There is absolutely no resistance. The energy body becomes relaxed and fully open and receptive. It is a full energetic body experience. There is no rigidity to the experience whatsoever. You would be completely happy existing within that state for eternity, even when it is something that your human self would reject completely. Because as Spirit, all states of existence are equal.

Get it?

Only when you fully embrace it will you be freed of it.

This is why traumatic experiences are often the ones that have the most lasting effects upon us while in the physical body. We resist so intensely things we see as “bad” that we must be thrust directly into them against our will to finally recognize their “badness” is not so bad. And if we really allow the experience then the “bad” definition vanishes and it just IS.

The same goes for the “good”, sought-after experiences. We recognize the experience just IS, do not attach and cling, and can experience it in the moment without worrying about the loss of it being replaced by the “bad”. We realize that within the realm of Time, nothing lasts but that everything is also everlasting. We are guaranteed the experience again – good or bad.

It is being “present” but as a Beingness…….it is a presence we take on – an energy we embody and carry with us. This is brought to us by our Higher Selves during the ascension process. The more of our HS we take in, the more we Be-come and the easier it is to remain balanced between the extremes of this dualistic reality/experience. We bring into Time the memory and Being-ness of timelessness.

It is the only way to ascend. There is no other path but right through the middle.

In regards to worldwide ascension, all of the above applies. Everyone will have to, at one point or another, learn the lesson of surrender. Whether they need one or many “traumatic” experiences is up to the individual. Some will be resistant and stay on repeat until either they complete and ascend or they complete in other ways (remain in the 3D loop to try again in another life).

The analogy of the funnel can be used to describe the process. We have been traveling down the funnel for a while now as is part of the evolutionary path of this planet. As we enter the narrowest part of the funnel and transfer through to the other side, the pummeling intensifies. Thus, “traumatic” events intensify in both quantity and quality. This will not only be noticed in individual experiences but also worldwide. The moment of the “event” is when the narrowest portion of the funnel is surpassed and the other side is reached.

Much love to you all on your journey through the funnel. Think of it as a waterslide. Throw your hands up over your head, scream at the top of your lungs, and take the plunge.

Namaste,

Dayna

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The Best Path is Your Own

It is seldom that I feel like blogging these days. At first, it felt wrong, like I was letting all of you down by not posting my thoughts, insights and experiences. I have since realized that it is merely that I no longer feel I need external acceptance and validation. Where my morning routine once consisted of sometimes more than one hour of dedicating a part of myself – my energy – to blogging, now that time and energy is entirely dedicated to stabilizing and grounding my energy through a dedicated yoga practice.

I wanted to share with you all what nearly 8 weeks of daily yoga practice has taught me. Firstly, yoga forces you to feel your body and energy. It brings to the surface thoughts and mind chatter – similar to meditation. The main difference, however, is that yoga, through its various asanas, assists you in feeling the energy pathways of your body.

Previously I thought I was good at sensing my own energy and blockages. Well now I know that my awareness of my physical and energetic bodies was – is still – juvenile compared to the mature sense that it could – SHOULD – be.

I have just recently begun to notice during my daily practice the areas where energy is stuck or not moving. It reveals itself via a feeling of resistance. For example, I wrote in my yoga journal just today:

When I do JM (Joint Mobility) drills I notice certain energy flows that are resistant. It makes me feel tense and then with acknowledgment it releases. Sometimes I have several of these resistant flows throughout JM drills. Most of the resistance is around my hips.

Joint mobility drills are a precursor to my yoga practice, preparing my body for movement. They are simplistic but extremely important. The resistance reveals itself in many forms, the most common being a physical tenseness with a holding in of breath, but a short second would be that my thoughts muddle up or become clouded.

Inevitably, by the end of my 30 minute practice I feel grounded, clear, and exceptionally happy compared to before my practice. If I wake feeling anxious or grumpy, yoga completely shifts me out of that state and into present time. Thankfully, I have been waking up feeling optimistic and excited for the day for weeks now. It is rare that I wake up feeling negative these days.

I wanted to share with you a video that was shared on FB by one of my online friends this morning. It explains why I am experiencing the changes that I am and I hope it sways those of you who do not participate in a regular yoga practice to do so.

The Best Path is Your Own

Now I want to shift gears and share with you a lesson I am learning within my own family. Before I do so, however, I want to share how I was led to awareness of this lesson.

When I experienced my soul exchange I came into contact and then merged with my Higher Self, a part of me that has always been with me but has been unable to fully join me within this vessel/body for various reasons I will not go into now. This “Higher Self” is a compilation of all aspects of me – it is not one Being or Being-ness but a conglomeration of all Being-nesses from various vibrations and frequencies spanning all of Me that has been, will be and currently IS within this Time space. So with merging with ALL of Me I was shown my present life circumstance (relationships, locations, connections, lessons, etc) and its purpose within the bigger and much broader picture that is my existence and spans all of ME.

To grasp finally why I am where I am and experiencing what I am was in and of itself an awakening for various reasons. With this understanding came total acceptance and willingness to experience anything. “Good” and “Bad” mattered not. Where previously I was resistant because of my own wants/desires (Ego) I now am willing and open to completing what I started.

The main component of this acceptance came in understanding the purpose behind my marriage. Previously I had resisted my relationship to my husband, seeing only our differences and concluding that our paths had diverged. Since the exchange, however, I am resolute in my promise to fulfill the contract I have with my husband not only for my own growth and advancement but his. In fact now, his growth comes before my own, where previously my own would have superseded his.

As if to bring into my mental awareness all I have just stated above, articles and posts online were brought to my attention. One such article is by Ram Dass – How do we awaken in a way that doesn’t push away those we love? 

When I read the article I was first reminded of something my “partner” (this is my Companion, my guidance, my HS) has been telling me ever since the exchange. When I inquire as to why I feel unable to share some things I hear, “DO NO HARM.” And this message comes through loud and clear in Ram Dass’ article.

But also this, “Another way of saying this is that those people that you are with, because of your karma, because of the nature of things, you start to work with their presence. They become your curriculum.”

I understood when reading this that I am being asked to participate in the lesson that is my life, my marriage and all that it entails. By rejecting it, by resisting it and making excuses as to why I need to disconnect from my life, I have been delaying not only my own progress, but his and my children’s.

This morning this message was further expounded upon via a text conversation with my husband. He has his own spiritual path, one that I have also traveled but I mostly dabble in, using aspects that I agree with and ignoring the rest. Our differences have long been a source of our disagreements and thus have been, unfortunately, the focus when they should not have been.

My husband recently had a setback on his path. This is a part of our text conversation this morning:

“The biggest win from this trip is knowing I have you in my corner when push comes to shove. It certainly gives me a New Perspective. I guess I kind of got knocked off my “high horse” a little bit! Sometimes one realizes maybe they aren’t the smartest one after all. Perhaps your alternative path is even better than my own.”

I replied, “The best path is your own.”

Our conversation triggered huge understanding on my part and all of what I wrote above came together, bringing Clarity.

One final thing I want to communicate. For those of you struggling right now (the energies have been off the charts intense), please know that all your work is not in vain. You are progressing. You will get there. The answers really do lie within. Look within for all you are seeking. Everything is within you. The process is not active. It is not a DO-ing. It is a BE-ing. Embrace everything you are – the Dark, the Light, the scary, the intoxicating. Fall into it. Surrender to it. The feeling will fool you into thinking it will destroy you. It won’t. It burns away the lies and deception and leaves only the Truth.

I love you all.

Namaste,

Dayna

Complete

I posted a version of this message on Facebook on February 8th:

There’s much going on in my universe these days. A truly amazing unfolding and integration. “I have arrived” – and this is just the tip of the iceberg. So grateful for all of you here on WordPress. Just wanted to express my gratitude for all you have done, the support you have offered, your unwavering belief in me and willingness to listen and accept with open arms the sometimes very unusual and bizarre experiences I have. I am seeing the path ahead in bits and pieces now and it reveals more interesting twists and turns to come. For some of you it may be beyond the bizarre things I have previously revealed. I hope that you will continue to accept me as I AM regardless of how my Being resonates with who you ARE. Ultimately, we are all parts of the other and I believe in YOU and your path regardless of whether it coincides with my own. This path is beautiful and SO rewarding despite the hardships it brings. Trust the process.

I am unable to convey at this time all that is transpiring. The feeling is “not yet” and has been since my last post. Every day I feel the same but I wanted to post something so that you know I am okay.

I pulled a card for myself today and got this card:

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This card is from my Light Code Oracle deck and I drew it on a whim. Only after I drew it did I feel energetically released to post this update.

The card’s message is spot on. Earlier this week I went to sleep fractured, the next day I woke up Whole. It was literally that fast. No kundalini that I can recall. No lucid dream. The closest I can recall of a warning of what was to come was the last OBE I posted:

I crawled, water-logged, onto the shore and looked up. There, towering over me, was the magnificent city I had seen floating near my mom’s house. I felt a sense of “arrival” as I stared up at it.

A couple of days later I was changed and kept thinking, “I have arrived. I have arrived.” Since then I have been different. The best way to put it is to say – I’m not myself, I’m a better version of myself.

I’ve since jumped full-on into life. I am in awe and see possibility and potential everywhere. My path is illuminated now when before it was a dark void.

Eventually I will write more but not now and likely not here. You can reference my other blog for updates.

Namaste,

Dayna

 

Illness and the Purge Surge

It’s been a rough couple of days for me. Still fighting illness, so taking it easy for the most part…well as easy as a mother of three can take it anyway. There has been another shift in energy and this one, being I am sick, is kicking my butt.

First off, the night before last was a rough one. It began the minute I tried to go to sleep. My mind was a mess, but only when I closed my eyes. It was like a hurricane in there. Literally. And with this hurricane of thought came the most crazy anxious feeling. It was all-over my body but my chest area was the source. The main thought was, “I don’t want to go (to the CPR class).” However, I knew this was not the reason for the feeling. I pleaded with my guidance for help. I recall hearing them say it was caused by fear but not fear of the class, fear of what it represented – a step forward into the unknown.

I was able to fall asleep by laying on my stomach. For some reason when I have anxiety from my heart chakra, laying on my stomach helps. Unfortunately, I woke up twice sobbing. The dreams were different but it is hard to put my finger on how. They left me with a strange feeling that followed me throughout the day. I did not have time to process them, though, because I had to leave early for my class.

When I was preparing to go to my class I experienced horrible IBS symptoms – cramping that felt like labor pains that would come and go in waves. The diarrhea was back in full force and I worried it would force me to stay home. Thankfully, it subsided the minute I drove out of the driveway.

When I got to the class I had the wide-open feeling that seems to be my new norm. Thankfully, I was able to stave off any anxiety or panic, but I was well aware of the energy of everyone in the room. Most were tired and half awake, which helped.

When at the hospital where the class was held I saw this sign.

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If you look closely at the bottom you will see the word Ascension. It kept popping out at me so I took a picture of this sign not only to document it but because the event looks interesting.

By the time class ended I was feeling fairly good but when I got home I had to take a nap. It was like all my energy had been sucked out of me from being out and about most of the day. Plus, I still had a strange, lingering confusion from the night’s dreams.

That evening my husband was in a strange mood. He was very confrontational and moody. I am becoming unaffected by these mood swings, though. As a Gemini, this is not really anything abnormal, but for him it is. I believe an unbalanced Gemini is more prone to the mood swings and unbalanced is a good descriptor of our relationship right now.

I had no trouble falling asleep last night but again woke up twice sobbing. The episodes are similar to the ones I had in 2017. I think I will call it a purge surge. lol I am able to laugh about it now, but in the moment it really sucks.

Dreams

Rather than go into each dream in detail, I will just summarize a few to give you an idea of what triggers the “purge surge”.

One dream took place in a bathroom. The entire room was covered in tiny lights that went up and down the walls. The lights were going out in certain places, though. I recall taking a shower and when I got out there was a piece of skin stuck to me. Turns out it was scrotum skin and it really grossed me out. lol Then I was resisting something, though I can’t remember what. I refused to leave the bathroom and family kept coming in to try and persuade me to leave. For some reason it felt like the bathroom was in my early childhood home. My SIL came in and said to me that she understood my decision. She was very sympathetic to the point of disgusting me. She said something about how we all have bad times but everyone comes out of them. I explained that I am not like normal people. I am either, “Bad, Badder or Baddest.” This brought me to tears in the dream and it woke me up. I felt completely dark and beyond saving.

In another dream I was in Montana at a drop-off point. I watched people parachute down and land. Then I packed my things and prepared to board a plane to an unknown destination. I was telling the woman I was with that I had visited Kalispell, MT and wished I had taken photographs of the mountains. I could see them in my mind as I told her this. Then I said, “I miss the mountains.” My heart exploded in grief when I said this and I began to plead with her to stay. I said, “I don’t want to go back.” I woke up crying and filled with confusion over the dream.

In yet another bathroom dream I watched women line up to use the bathroom. None of the stalls had doors and everyone in line could see those using the toilet. I became upset at one point because of the situation and confronted a woman who was not waiting her turn like she should. I told her I did not like everyone seeing my business. I touched her on the shoulder as I said this and began to cry. She said to me, as if answering a question, “You are feeling my pain, not your own.” This caused me to wake. I cried long and hard after this one because it felt like the pain of every woman in the world was flowing through me.

There was another incident, but I can’t recall the specifics of it now. It was similar in that I had no idea why I was crying, just that I was overcome with emotion. It can be a scary and confusing experience to feel unable to control the tears and emotion, especially since the emotion seems to have no identifiable source.

Considerations

This morning the IBS-like symptoms continue. This is day 5 I think and the mornings are the worst. My insides feel like they are going to explode and I can easily see the similarity to the emotional outflows I have been experiencing. After over a year of these kinds of emotional purge surges I think my body has had it.

Lately I have been considering doing some pretty out of character things. I don’t do them because there is still fear accompanying these thoughts. I cannot take action when there is fear. However, there is significantly less fear now and the fear lessens every day.

I believe my current environment is the source of my bodily and emotional issues. If I don’t correct the imbalance these issues will continue.

For now, I will continue to focus on my diet as best I can. I bought a yogurt maker and will be making my first batch of home-made yogurt today. This is a pic of the yogurt maker I bought a couple of days ago:

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I am continuing to implement the Full GAPS diet to the best of my ability. Yesterday I wasn’t able to follow it fully because of the CPR class but the only misstep was having a roll, so not too bad. Tonight we will be having Cornish game hens roasted in the crock pot all day. 🙂

Unfortunately, the GAPS diet does not seem to be fixing the morning IBS issues. It could be too soon to tell, though. I will give it another five days and then reanalyze.

I take my NASM certification exam on February 3. Once certified I will have another career option if I so choose to use it. Considering how I seem so wide open right now, I am not sure how I will handle going back to work and being around different people’s energies.

I will leave you with the song that was on my mind when I woke up this morning.

2 OBE’s and Message: I’m On My Way

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas! I have an entire other post written from the 24th but it has been so busy that I have not had a chance to post it. My two oldest both got computer games and so have taken over the computers in the household. This morning I put my foot down and took mine back. lol Now I know why so many parents buy their kids laptops at a young age! Ha! Since they are so inexpensive now I may end up giving in and buying an el cheapo for them to share (share? what’s that? HAHAHA).

Christmas came and went without much hoopla (thank God). We’ve already had two of the three we have each year. The next will be on the 29th with my husband’s extended “family”. That one will be CrAzY!

Here’s some photos of Christmas.

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Christmas morning – Monty’s in Adrian’s lap. 🙂

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Christmas Eve – our gingerbread house.

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Christmas Eve at my Mom’s

Dream: Mutilation 

Strange dreams again last night. In this one I was reporting for my new “assignment”. It was in a secret location. Inside the underground location was a group and the feeling I had was that the leader of this group was some kind of New Age revolutionary for change. He felt somewhat like a guru but was not. He was just very wise and Knowing – a teacher.

I was given my assignment after a debriefing. The main thing I remember about my debriefing was body mutilation for cultural reasons, specifically circumcision. My group’s job was to go to a location and meet a “victim” and get him to share his story on video.

I knew I was to do certain rituals every day, reporting to the headquarters to meditate and chant specific mantras. I watched as a group of very important people visited the leader. When they came in there was a strong energetic shift. They were super tall and looked like elephants! I was shocked and in awe at the same time. When they spoke to our leader it was in a different language. All I could make out were clicks and strange noises there was no way I could make with my mouth.

As I watched the interaction I saw the elephant men shift shape and look more like tall, insect-like creatures with overly large heads. Their color changed to a rusty color, too. They acknowledged that I was watching by looking my way and nodding their heads. After this I was able to understand what they said. They mentioned that our group and our leader were “genetically modified” and they were not. They had come to make sure our instructions were understood.

I left with my group and entered a hospital where the victim was staying. I knew somehow that my job assignment had shifted from teacher to nurse and was a bit overwhelmed at knowing this. Two of my group members did most of the talking as we interacted with a man in a hospital bed. I took over when I saw he was not interested and soon realized it was not a man but a woman and that she had also been mutilated (clitoral circumcision). I was horrified.

As we left I met the nurse taking care of her. She was super tall, at least a foot taller than me. I hugged her and said, “I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you.” As I said this I burst into tears, my heart ripped apart by the heaviness of the entire human race.

Interpretation

I suspect this dream is mostly about my changing roles and assignments. It is a sneak peak of the changes ahead. The elephant is likely symbolic of the Kundalini again and I do believe that I encountered E.T.s, though what kind I am not sure. I wasn’t afraid nor was I even nervous. The language was odd and the entire dream had a sacred feel about it.

It feels like I was taking on the pain of the human race – again. The way my heart overflowed for humanity was familiar and very real. I am getting use to it, though, so I am not feeling completely decimated by it. The mutilation is likely symbolic of how we mutilate ourselves and our Earth. It is very sad so I am not surprised that I burst into tears.

OBE: Cheers!

When I woke up I was still crying and a bit confused. I asked to go OOB and fell back to sleep.

I exited my body not long after and immediately went out the window of my bedroom. Outside it was dark and cold and I knew my trip would be brief. I sang aloud to keep my vibration up and stabilize myself. It worked and I flew up and above my neighborhood. It actually felt as if a giant hand was supporting me as I flew and I knew no matter what I would not become grounded suddenly.

I ran into a man holding a tray full of large bottles of beer. Still singing I smiled at him, grabbed a beer, took a drink and said “Cheers!” He smiled back and I recall a woman being with him. I greeted her and flew off on my way still singing and feeling light and happy.

I flew over treetops for a while noting that there was a magnetic pull upward always threatening to pull me up and out of the scene. I somehow knew that if I allowed myself to go with it that I would be taken elsewhere. This “elsewhere” was a place I have visited before. A sky world with floating cities and waterfalls. I looked up above me to see if there were any floating landmasses above me. I saw none.

Despite knowing this other place was awaiting me, I resisted the pull and came back into my body. My heart was racing and beating erratically. I took note and requested to leave again.

OBE: Summer

My request was interrupted by my daughter bursting into the room and telling me it was time to get up. I knew it was 10am and I should get up but I was too tired and told her to leave. She wouldn’t so I got up and ushered her and her little brother out. Closing the door I could hear the TV and tried to cover my ears and return to sleep. This was when I realized none of the interaction was real and I was dreaming.

I pulled myself out of my sleeping body and walked/floated into the other room. As I walked a piece of my sheet stuck to my foot and it took me a while to get it to come off. I saw my daughter and a little child. The child was sitting on the floor. Everything had a golden hue. I felt very happy and light and was eager to share it with my children. I took the little boy – now a girl – by the hand and headed toward the window. Another child appeared then, a little girl, and I took her hand also. All four of us went out the window but it morphed into an arched doorway. At our feet were tangled tree roots reminiscent of a fairy land. I was delighted!

Instead of flying I showed them how to jump really high and linger in the air. They did this with me for the rest of the OBE. It was warm and sunny outside and I remember saying how much I loved summer and how I wished it were summer now. There was a knowing that the coming summer would bring new life for me. There was so much more with this Knowing at the time but now it is lost to me. I relished the warmth of the sun and the bright green foliage of the trees and grass. It was in stark contrast to the bleak, cold and rain of the current winter.

I gazed up at the sky and saw a vast blue dotted with fluffy white clouds. I remembered again the floating cities of the astral land I once visited. There were no cities or landmasses above me but I knew somewhere they did exist.

There was a silent communication that it was time to wake up and I shifted back into my sleeping body without incident. Seamless re-entry – not vibrations or racing heart.

Song and Message

After I woke I lingered in bed for a moment. A guide was to my left and he asked me a question: “Would you like me to take you to our place?” I said, “Yes!” He asked me if I knew where it was. I said, “Yes!” and in my mind was memory of the floating cities of the astral sky world. He had taken me there before, long ago, and I had explored a floating building in the shape of a donut. We had traveled through this “building” (ship/craft is more like it). The walls breathed as if they were alive. Inside I was told it was the place where my “other body” lay in stasis. I never saw myself but another “friend” laying on a bed. I watched her sleeping body while her “dream” in holographic pictures formed in the space around her like a movie. I also saw her “guide” standing by her side.

There was an entire message from myself at this time. There were two me’s. One said one thing and the other in two-way conversation. It was an explanation and Knowing of all my dreams prior. The human me was excited and assuming I was ready to move forward in a certain situation. The other me explained matter-of-factly that I could not until I was Whole. There were still missing “pieces”. I saw these pieces as parts of my body, like a finger here or a foot there. Each section part was solid gold and shimmering and fit like a puzzle piece with the rest of my body.

When I came back to full awareness a section of a song was going over and over in my mind: “I’m on my way…..” On my way where? Home.

Note: When I told my daughter about my OBE and how we were jumping-flying she got really excited and told me, “I dreamed I was jumping really high last last night but I was in the back yard.” Ha! So cool!

Considerations/Knowings

Shit’s about to get real – well that’s the feeling anyway. Not sure what exactly that means in the big scheme of things but those of us who’ve been on this ascension path, riding it for umpteen years now, we’ve been through the ringer and back so many times now that we’ve grown use to being tied in knots so much that we may not know what to do now that we’re laying out to dry. It feels odd, doesn’t it?

My dreams suggest I have a new job. Not just the dream above but others as well. I’m not just a teacher anymore, I’m a nurse/doctor AND a teacher now, but the teacher me is mostly taking a back seat. What does this even mean? Hell if I know but I feel different. Nurses and doctors help the sick and dying. They tend to wounds and are all about healing and helping others. Maybe I am heading in that direction now, less focused on my own healing and more on others’….

I didn’t mention the other dream I had last night because most of it is lost to me. However, when I woke I was discussing taking a flight to Tennessee. WTF right? Why? Where did that even come from? I said to whoever I was talking to, “I can’t wait to drive there…” and was cut off with an image of an airplane and heard, “You will fly.” I was really excited but since I couldn’t remember why it was weird.

I have also recalled in-between discussions about using my spiritual gifts again, specifically precognition/readings. It always comes with a feeling…need almost….to get ready. There have also been discussion about my future, too, and how I will handle a certain coming situation, a situation I won’t go into now but one that will challenge me in ways I must prepare myself for. Mostly it is how to handle the feeling of Home on a daily basis without it completely destroying me and those I love. I realized just how not ready I am to have that feeling all the time. There is still too much human fear of loss and the stupid things the human me might do to avoid it. I may never really rid myself of it but there will be a time when I am up to the challenge of handling this fear with the help of another.

How all this will come to pass, I don’t know, but I trust that it will and won’t speculate on the specifics of it. It likely will not be anything like what I imagine. It never is.

 

Avoidance and Meditation Experience

So yesterday my abdominal cramping was nonexistent and I was back to “normal”. Unfortunately, my daughter had a 101 degree fever and was complaining of a sore throat and dizziness. Her fever is gone this morning but it made for a tough day for her.

Last night I was feeling that “doing” energy but at the same time a “don’t do” energy. It made me think of the future but not act on it. I was browsing the internet for jobs and if I found one I was interested in the feeling from it was “not yet”. I am wanting to take action to help pull me out of this funk but no-action is what is needed. No-action can be the toughest on me but indicates deeper introspection is needed on my part. Sigh. I feel like I am always digging deeper.

Prior to bed I was feeling the familiar emptiness that has haunted me most of my life. The dead but not-dead, walking dead, feeling that comes from an unwillingness to “see” and “hear” what is right in front of me. When I asked for help from my guidance I was asked if I was sure I wanted to continue the work. I said I was, but then my dreams revealed my hesitancy to move forward and the reasons for it.

I woke up this morning crying from my dreams. In them I was being encouraged to open my heart again and fully allow the emotion to flow. But the pain associated with it was too much and I withdrew. In the dream I was with a man and we shared a deep connection but I was resistant to it. As I woke I could feel it still and was not happy, did not want it and was full-on rejecting it.

I ended up crying from the memory of all that transpired from opening my heart so fully. It surprised me that I still feel so much grief and loss. I thought I had put that behind me. I could see that my resistance to the negative emotion was keeping me from experiencing all the positive emotions. This pattern, this coping mechanism, is blocking my progress. But when I contact the pain I immediately retreat. I feel exhausted and unable to process it any further. For now the numb feeling is preferable to the pain, grief and loss. Even in the dream, just touching on the bliss and unconditional love was uncomfortable. I want badly to embrace it but the fear of it all being destroyed, of the utter annihilation of self that results, drives me away. I am tortured by the simultaneous draw to and repulsion from this love. Yet I know the only way to resolve it is to embrace it. I just can’t. Maybe I never will? But I don’t know how I can live in such a state for the remainder of this lifetime. Being numb is no longer acceptable now that I know what it feels like to truly be alive.

My dreams make a whole hell of a lot of sense to me now. Prison. Walls. Protection. Running. I am trying desperately to protect myself from myself. Ha! Peace is found at the center if I can only stay there and stop teeter-tottering from one extreme to the other.

I am being encouraged to heal. No movement, or progress forward can be made until I do. But healing means time alone, time to process, time to feel fully all the emotion that is coming up for release. As long as I have distractions I will be distracted. This is a choice. An avoidance routine (routine being the key word here). And I’m really, really good at avoidance. I don’t know why I am so scared of what I will find. I am certain it is not as bad as it seems.

Meditation Experience

I have been laying in the sun frequently the last few days. I feel a need to be in it despite how hot and humid it has been here in Texas. I stay until I just cannot bear it and then retreat inside. Afterward I feel like I’ve been in a sauna and purged a huge amount of crap from my pores. Probably a good thing. Plus I’m getting a nice tan. 😉

Today, after my sun time, I retreated to my room to meditate. Within minutes of starting the meditation I began to drift in a dreamy state, visualizing myself walking to the edge of a river. I could see the boulders surrounding the crystal clear water and the mountains towering in the background. I sat cross legged at the water’s edge and closed my eyes. Tears began to trickle down my face and a slight melancholy visited me.

Not long after, I could feel a person approaching from behind. They walked up to me and paused, focusing in on me. I kept my eyes closed and did not try to hide my tears. I knew they were standing over me and I felt an energy that was gentle and calming. I looked up, opening my eyes, and could not make out their face because the sun was behind them. I smiled, though, as if I knew who the visitor was.

I heard a voice with a slight accent ask me if I was alright. The voice was audible and brought me out of my dreamy state and back into my mediation. I had not realized I had drifted into the in-between but it did not take long for me to realize one of my guides had taken advantage of the situation. I returned to the dream-scene I had created and smiled back at my guide. Only then did I recognize the place I had taken myself, an area I had visited in Mt. Shasta.

My guide continued to stand over me, only now I could feel him both in the dreamy state as well as behind my physical body in meditation. He asked me something I can’t recall and tears began to pour out of my eyes. He kept asking me questions about how I was feeling and the tears kept flowing. I remember telling him I felt like I had lost everything. He said, “Have you considered that perhaps you have in fact gained everything?” I said, “And I just have not been able to see it?” He nodded. I considered it, finding clarity for the briefest of moments, but then began to cry again because in considering it I again felt the grief and loss. He asked me to sit with the feeling, to stay in my heart. As I did the grief passed and the possibility of what he said was no longer implausible. Perhaps I have been given a gift and have just not been able to see it or appreciate it for what it is because I am still clinging to what I expected it to be?

 

 

Spiritual Restructuring Causes Delays

Hope all my U.S. followers had an excellent July 4th. Unfortunately for me I was suffering through some major lower abdominal cramping all day and through the night. The cramping was similar to IBS cramps and pain, so if you suffer from IBS then you get an idea of how debilitating the pain can be. It comes in waves and while in the midst of the pain one can’t do much except lay down and be still.

The cramping seemed to have nothing to do with anything. I woke up starving and felt fine. After a bowl of oatmeal the cramps started and interrupted my blog writing. They lasted for 3 hours that round, let up and then returned after I ate a small meal of veggie soup. This was the pattern all day – eat something small and insignificant and then have cramping for hours after. I knew it meant I should eat nothing but I get low blood sugar dizzies and yesterday was too busy for me to be in such a state – not only was it a holiday but we had a/c service techs putting in a new unit upstairs. So I opted to eat and suffer through the cramps. I have tons of experience suffering through life anyway. Ha!

By the evening when the fireworks were full-on my cramping eased up and I was able to eat and enjoy the fattening food of the holiday without incident. No, I wasn’t a good girl. I ate like crap and even had two glasses of wine, but the cramping was gone so I figured why not. Well in the middle of the night I was awakened many times by intense cramping. It looks like today I will have to be careful again. Unfortunately we have more a/c techs visiting so I will have to eat something.

Spiritual Restructuring

As for what I was writing yesterday, I opted not to post the entire post. I am still mulling over some things and until I have clarity I will keep quiet. There is something afoot spiritually that I need to process completely before I share my thoughts.

For now, I will say I am going through quite a spiritual ordeal …. the word restructuring comes to mine …. on many levels, most I am not fully conscious of.  What I am aware of is wreaking havoc on my mental state and apparently my physical state as well. I read a blog post from Denise at HighHeartLife recently that validates what I have been going through. Friends on FB also indicated they were experiencing similar symptoms yesterday. I am not receptive to messages from my guides right now, for obvious reason I have already mentioned in other posts, so I feel as if I am going through all this blindfolded.

Mostly I have been suffering through Ego-related upsets and disillusionment. I have been questioning my path, changing my mind about decisions I thought were firm, and struggling with two conflicting realities that exist simultaneously in my universe. It’s like I am going through a mini-identity crisis. As of now, my inclination is to shift back toward a more mundane-focused path and set the spiritual one aside because the spiritual has been inconsistent and unreliable while the mundane has not. Stability is important to me. The spiritual experiences I’ve had, while profound, are sporadic at best, and the Knowing comes on suddenly with great clarity only to vanish as if it was never there. Know, not-Know, Know, not-Know. It is absolutely exasperating, like a fickle romantic interest. Reminds me of the Pisces I dated. lol  I can’t work with that.

Dream: Quitting the Show

I had a strange dream experience the morning of the 4th that I wish to recount.

I was with my group preparing to act out my role in a play (role in life) we were performing. I remember finishing it and then going to the bathroom (renewal). Suddenly the door was blown out (forced acceptance) and off its hinges leaving me exposed. Children (aspects of self) of all ages came in. I said, “Block the doorway, I’m trying to use the bathroom” while sitting on the toilet. They did as they were told but stared at me strangely.

Then I was waiting my turn to go on stage. I remember that I thought the production was over and my role completed. Realizing I was wrong and going back on stage (putting up an act, being false to Self) bothered me. I had forgotten my lines and knew I would have to perform two times, back-to-back. I watched the other performers from backstage and as it got closer to my time I decided to tell the producer I couldn’t do it.

Then I was with a group at a meeting. The producer was talking to the group and about to conclude the meeting when I spoke up saying, “I can’t go do it. I don’t know my lines because I thought we were done.” He said, “We still have two more shows.” I said, “I know but I don’t want to do it.” The producer got irritated and said, “Fine” then said another woman could do it. The woman was pleased. I looked at her and her hair was cut very short like a man’s. She was smiling and excited. I said, “Good. It all worked out for the best then, right?” Then all the others were gone and I was talking to the producer one-on-one. I joked around with him to get him to be less serious and pointing out the positives. He said to me, “Yeah, but I don’t know what we are going to do about Deb.” It felt like Deb was having major issues.

pizza

Feeling happy that I did not have to perform, I began to talk about eating lunch (lacking enlightenment) and said, “When I was younger I use to be able to eat an entire medium pizza (abundance and variety) all by myself. I don’t do that anymore.”

Then I am standing on a path in a desert-like (loss and misfortune) environment walking away from the city (social life/community). A black man dressed in running attire (action/activity) sprinted toward me. He was sprinting at full-speed and his face was painted in camouflage (hiding from Self). In his hand was a hunting knife (lack of control or power). When he saw me he raised the knife up and asked me to get out of his way or follow him. I said I would follow him and he told me to try and keep up. He sprinted off at top speed.

I remember thinking I would not be able to keep up and then finding myself sitting at a table with him. The scene was up in the mountains and quite beautiful. I was completely naked (feeling exposed) and also had dark skin. I looked down and saw very full breasts (nurturing/Goddess). They were so large and full that they touched the top of the marble table. I remember feeling very beautiful.

The man was concerned about finding food and water. Then I was watching the scene as an observer and the woman squeezed her breast and milk (inner nourishment) came out. She suggested they subsist off her breast milk and then leaned down and sucked her own breast. The man said, “I didn’t know you had a baby.” She said, “I didn’t. I just finished my cycle so there is no way I am pregnant.”

The scene shifted and I was back with the group who had been putting on the musical production. I was with a group of women.  My attention was drawn to a table across the room. The black man was sitting with all the men in the group talking about me (as the black woman) and saying inappropriate things about my breasts and what he planned to do with me. The whole table started laughing (feeling insecure). That’s when I realized the groups had separated by gender. Something about that alarmed me.

Experience and Message

Then I felt as if I was pulled suddenly up and out of my dream body. It was as if I was being swept upward toward an unknown source. My energy body felt fluid and without form. The odd, swift sensation surprised me and I jumped into my body feeling disoriented and confused. I suddenly had a full-on memory but I’m not sure when the things I remembered happened. In one I was talking with my friend Sophia. She was asking me to come to Mt. Shasta and urging me to reconsider saying I needed to heal and that she needed my help. I told her I had decided not to go and was very firm about it.

Another memory was of being shown a long list and hearing a man reading from the list. He was listing out my options. He said, “Your next opportunity will be in a year.”

It did not take me long to realize what had been decided. My first thought was, “I opted out.” I actually had awakened in the middle of the night from a prison dream with the same realization, so it was not surprising. There would be no “Independence Day” for me, at least not yet (if ever). I missed the bus.

Dream: Face Painting

I was inside an enclosure. There were several buildings made of a adobe (protection) inside a large, wall (protection) made of the same material. There were also gardens (inner-growth) and paths inside. It felt like a self-sustaining community but at the same time seemed like a prison (restricted movement) in that no one was allowed to leave.

I remember being in charge of several children. One of them had uprooted a small bush (feminine emotions/desires) and left it there. We had to replant (optimism) it.

A woman came to fetch me. She faced me and got out some powder makeup (rebuild self-confidence) in the colors of black and white. She began to put it on her face and I did the same. The end result was as if we had painted our faces white and our eyelids and lips black. The purpose of this was to prepare for a ceremony we would enact together. It felt as if she and I were to have sexual relations. I was pleased about this and somewhat excited.

hyacinth

Dream: Potent Hallucinogen 

I was traveling with my sister toward a large dam (repressed emotion). I remember walking through a flooded (emotion) area. The water was moving in small streams toward the dam and the soil was quite muddy though I never actually saw mud, I just felt myself sinking (slowed movement) as I walked. At the water’s edge I could see a concrete ledge. On the other side was a crystal clear lake. I grabbed a stick fishing pole and cast into the water (confronting repressed emotion). I saw many small fish (insights from subconscious) come up and one took the bait and ran away with it. I was unable to catch the fish.

My sister and I were then inside a house. She had in her purse (identity/sense of self) many different toiletries, makeup and other odds and ends. I remember the purse was large like a duffel bag. I looked inside and found a large, glass tube filled with a clear liquid. I knew it was a drug (escape from life’s problems) because my sister had previously let me taste it but I had not felt any effect. It tasted sweet (self-indulgence) and floral-like. She told me it was a hallucinogen made from a flower. I can’t remember the type of flower (hyacinth maybe) but it was a deep pink color (sex/lust). She had gone around and given people drops of it on their tongue and cautioned us. My sister was then beside me wanting to give me some of the drug to take with me. I found a small container and she put in many droppers worth of the drug. I remember being excited about using it at a later date.

The 8th and the Full-Moon

I’ve been receiving messages about the 8th for a while. I suspect it may have something to do with the potent energies of the full-moon on the 9th. What I have read about this full-moon promises for more inner-conflict for me I think. “This dangerous full moon has the potential to cause serious relationships problems if you let thing get out of control.” I am not looking forward to it.