Converging Timelines

So the long anticipated 11-11-11 is today. How do you feel? I feel normal. Yesterday I was high on life. Today a little less high but not low either. Neutral. It feels once again like a transition period, a flowing from one condition or state to another. Perhaps this is the very definition of “portal”? It seems fitting to me anyway.

I was told not along ago in a dream that 11-11-11 was the date of a “convergence”. At the time I had no idea what it meant and even speculated that perhaps it was for 2019 because in the dream the calendar I saw seemed to be a year in the future. Today, though, I’ve concluded that this convergence is the converging of timelines; a reconstitution of what was with what IS. For me, personally, this has been experienced by taking what was good and real/true from the past and pulling it forward to merge with this present timeline. All those things from the past that I’ve held onto or that have been destructive, have been laid to rest. I choose what I keep and discard, of course. We all do.

The method of deciding what to keep and discard came from looking at things that were painful to me and finding the source/truth behind that pain. Why am I still hurting? Is it based upon a lie? When I inspect it using my heart as my microscope, what do I see?

Surprisingly I discovered the basis of it all was the same as it had always been. It remained unchanged and solid despite my wanting to disassemble it with doubt. I could close off my heart and pretend it was all a dream but that didn’t make it so. It just meant it was hidden, faked out until my heart protested so loud I could not ignore it any longer.

The True Self always shines through no matter how much it is buried. The heart cannot be killed, only injured. Wounds can be healed. And the song on my mind this morning echos this message: “We’re not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again”.

The Nature Remedy

Yesterday was a really good day for me. As I have mentioned recently, this crazy all-over-the-place energy seems only to respond to one treatment – nature. I have been feeling called outside since the end of October and yesterday was no different. So I went for a trail run and spent about two hours immersed in nature. I encountered few other humans (four hikers and a mountain biker) and at least a dozen deer.

It was eerily silent on the trail. So much so that when I stopped and just listened it would trigger a tiny panic inside that was fueled by imaginings of getting lost, hurt or worse and not able to get help. When I looked at the panic I realized it came from my past trips into the Rockies in Montana. The sounds on the trail in the present mimicked those past experiences so much that it transported me to the past. Of course, the hill country of Texas is nothing like Montana and it was easy to laugh off. Instead I relished the familiarity of being surrounded by nature and feeling small and powerless to the elements/wildlife rather than in control of them. It is humbling but beautiful because with acceptance you feel One with it all, which is how it is suppose to be.

It was so enjoyable that I daydreamed about spending the entire day on the trail. It felt so much more aligned with who I am than getting back in my car and driving to suburbia!

Here are some pictures from the trail. It was overcast and cold (49°). When I got to the car I looked like I had been in a fight with a tree and lost. Hair a mess and filled with tiny needles from cedar trees (junipers). LOL


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I spent the remainder of the day after this trail run laying around and recuperating. 8 miles of running will do that. 🙂 The tiredness sent me to bed early and led to a dreamless sleep. However, I did have some conversations with my partner/guide upon waking. I need to share a previous dream for them to make sense, though.

Dream: Garage Room (11/09/18)

This dream is fuzzy now. In the beginning I saw a row of corn (domestic bliss and harmony) that stood as tall as a person. It lined the edge of a garden. I remember noticing a large mustard plant (success and wealth) growing where a corn plant should be. I mentioned to someone that it looked like a weed but rather than pull it, I looked closely at it, noting how it was flourishing. I didn’t want to pull a plant that was doing well unless it was hindering the growth of the corn, which it wasn’t.

Near the garden I saw a downed fence (barriers/obstacles) and heard a dog barking (grumpiness, disgruntled companion) persistently on the other side of it. I went to investigate and saw a standard poodle (upper class attitude) chained (feeling retrained) to a post. It was barking so ferociously that it broke the chain (released) and came running at me. I wasn’t afraid, though, and let it yip at my feet. The owner of the dog had come out and was watching from the stoop of her house. I thought it odd that she would just let the fence lay there on the ground and not do something to fix it so that her dog could be contained.

The dog quieted and licked my hand (protection, fidelity) as I walked toward the woman. She took me inside the house (self) and I saw that it was very small, like one bedroom. I could see all the rooms from the center of the house. Through the window I could see that the house had a very small yard and was positioned in such a way that it was at the end of a dead-end street. The woman said that the yard was maintained by the subdivision and that her husband only had to tend to the small patch of grass where the dog had been.

I noticed a den (work, efficiency) along the side of the living room (boundary between public and private self). It had closet (keeping something hidden) doors on it and on the other side was the laundry room inside the bathroom (cleansing). I remember thinking it big enough to be considered a second bedroom (private self, sexual nature). Inside the den there was a strange ledge. I was told it was to allow for the parked car in the garage. I realized the room was actually part garage (inactivity, idleness, feeling lack of direction) and not big enough to be a bedroom after all.

Vision and Message

When I woke this morning and had no dream memories I lingered in bed for a while. My partner in Spirit was close and reassuring me that what I want will manifest. As we talked I fell into the in-between. I was running along a dirt trail when I came upon a field of mustard in bloom. Underneath the tall mustard grass I could see old, gray tombstones – a cemetery. Seeing this brought me out of my reverie quickly. My guide told me that he was there to help; that he wanted me to have what I want in life and was there to help it manifest. It was reassuring to me to have him so close, to know I am not alone.

To dream of being in a cemetery symbolizes the end to a habit or behavior; the experience of a rebirth. It can be sadness, unresolved grief and/or fear of death, too. The feeling of this particular cemetery was that something is being “put to rest”.

Mustard symbolizes success and wealth. This is in contrast to the dream (above) where there was just one mustard plant blooming alongside rows of corn. It seems the success part is growing exponentially.

Alongside the cemetery symbolism, the message seems to be that when something is put to rest – dies – something new can be born. This something new, symbolized by the mustard plants, bring success. That is a message I am glad to receive! I am not sure what is “dying” here, though, but most certainly it is related to the past.


Extreme Energy

The energy lately has been all over the place. I wish it would just make up it’s mind already! My sleep patterns are most impacted. I wake often throughout the night and then wake up at 4:30-5am and can’t go back to sleep. My emotions seem to go with energy – high, low, neutral, zoned out/bored. The last few days I’ve been all over the place with fluctuations so frequent that I wonder about my sanity! Getting outside has helped, but only temporarily. I often find myself daydreaming about going camping for a few days by myself just to ground out this energy and feel somewhat sane. Sadly, I can’t do that with my husband in N.Y. leaving me once again with all the responsibility on my shoulders.

To give you a taste of how the energy is impacting me, the other morning I woke inundated with memories from the past and feeling urged to dig up things that I had been avoiding. I had a few indications from the Universe that I needed to stop avoiding, but did I listen? Nah. I avoided all I could until the messages started coming through.

The first message was this:


While making breakfast I cracked open a double yolked egg. I hadn’t seen one in ages and knew right away it was a message, so I snapped a pic and looked up the meaning. Seems it can mean several things – fertility, good luck, pregnancy. The last doesn’t apply to me, of course, but it can mean someone close to you is pregnant, which is true (SIL). I saw it as a sign related to what I was being urged to do, something related to soul family connections and Oneness (2 are 1 type symbology). Of course, it could be good luck I suppose. That would be welcomed, too.

Right around that same time I saw 20-20 somewhere but I can’t recall where. I don’t see that number combination often either so I took note. 20-20 means clarity of some kind is present. This sign finally got me to listen and do what I was being urged to do.

So I got to digging deep and allowing thoughts, considerations, and emotions to surface as best I could. It was difficult because my daughter had the stomach flu and was home from school for two days, thus distracting me quite a bit as you can imagine. It took me two days to sift through past crap!

Then, yesterday, after all was said and done, I was feeling a bit neutral, as if in a void or transition period, when the electricity suddenly went out for no reason. I happened to look at the time and it was 11:11am. My first thought was it was not a good sign. In fact, I still believe so. In my mind electricity = Kundalini = Divine Connection. So the message I felt was that the “power has been cut” and the connection is “dead”. Yeah, not so good.

Later last night the weather shifted, the temperature dropped drastically, it got windy and began to rain. Then the power went out yet again for no apparent reason. So like the energy lately, weather here in Texas is bipolar! Earlier this week it was warm and humid with highs the 70’s and low 80s and now it is in the low 50s, rainy and windy.

The next morning I felt very pessimistic. That void of nothingness was visiting me again. I hate the void. It’s a vast empty feeling and it exacerbates my tendency to feel sorry for myself and want to opt out of life. I know it is just a phase, one I go through often, but still it is hard not to fall into “poor me” thinking.

Yesterday at work I felt odd. There were moments where I thought for sure I would collapse in a heap on the floor from a sense of internal imbalance. This happened only a few times. There was also this odd throat chakra energy that spanned from my high heart all the way into my mouth making it feel as if I was choking. Both sensations seemed not to be mine, but another’s. It was as if I was tuned into someone else and thus taking on what they were feeling.

Then, in the middle of the day and quite unexpectedly, I received a blast of love straight to my heart. I felt a communication coming through just prior to it. It was as if someone was checking in, saying “Hey, how are you doing? Just wanted to say I love you and am thinking of you.” How I even heard it, I don’t know because I was completely immersed in my work. The love was so beautiful that I immediately became physically hot and tears streamed down my cheeks. They were happy tears, though. I was overjoyed. Yet, the tears were also fearful, fearful of losing that love and connection. And then there was this underlying hurt like an open wound. All I wanted to do was make it better.

So as you can see I’ve been all over the place. This energy is like no other. It seems to be pushing me through a veil of my own making.

Thankfully, I am not physically ill or experiencing any major symptoms. In fact, I was just thinking how healthy I have been this year compared to previous years. No stomach flu, no major colds or sinus infections. It has been really nice!

Now onto last night’s dreams….

Dream: Flying Lessons

I was on the beach (meeting of two states of mind) with a group of people, all young and hopeful. I remember seeing the ocean to my left and feeling carefree and happy to be there on the beach. I was jumping (need to take a risk; go for it) up really high into the air and the group was astonished at how high I could jump. They were all jumping, too, but not nearly as high. I slowed and showed them how I was doing it, evening lingering in the air for a bit. The sensation of flying was very memorable and joyful. I don’t know how I didn’t become lucid from all the flying.


Dreamed of going into the bathroom (cleansing) to get the laundry for washing. When I went to pick up the clothes baby roaches (need to evaluate something, uncleanliness) came out. I noticed that some of the clothes were very wet (emotion), all of them were my husband’s. I was upset with him for tossing wet clothes in the hamper (avoiding emotion and cleansing) and allowing it to sit so long that roaches were making a nest.


Dream: Loving Myself

This dream began in a convertible (feeling powerful) driving up a mountain road. We stopped and I climbed out. With me was a dark haired man and woman, a couple I seemed to know and be related to. There was a gift bag (receiving a gift) in the passenger seat containing new clothing for a woman, tags still on. Underneath the clothing (outward appearance) was a ton of money (success) – $100 bills in $1000 bunches. I asked where it came from and the man said his dad must have put it there. It felt like the man’s father was a mob boss or in crime (inner conflict) and the son was inadvertently doing work for him. I suggested we leave the money in another car and only take one bunch of $100 bills just to be safe. I kept picturing the couple getting in trouble for something they didn’t know they were doing. I placed the money under the driver’s seat in another car.

I noticed some abandoned trailers (burdens) nearby and grew curious suggesting we explore them. Without hesitating I went inside one noticing it had been gutted. The floor moved (instability) whenever the wind blew outside and so I was very cautious as I walked through the trailer, telling the couple to be careful. It looked like the trailer was breathing. There was a white table with chairs in the center of the trailer. Along the right wall was a door. When I opened it there was a bathtub (cleansing) inside and nothing else. A tiny window allowed viewing of whoever was inside the tub. Next to this was an open room with a viewing glass spanning the length of the room. Inside the room was lined with plush, velvet pillows piled along daybeds lining the perimeter. I could see sex toys specifically for men in the room. Several were clear latex vagina-looking sex toys. I remember commenting that it must an orgy room. I remember thinking that it was a sex ring and feeling I should leave.

As I began to leave I heard noise indicating people were arriving. I tried to leave without being seen, not wanting to be associated with such a place, but as I went through the door I bumped into a man. I remember seeing his face as I paused to move out of his way. He had this expectant, excited look. Confused I sought what was making him look so excited and realized both of my breasts (feminine sexuality) were exposed. They were way bigger then in normal life, so big they covered my belly button. I moved past him and outside, looking for a place to hide. I could hear more people entering the establishment and so hid alongside the outside of the trailer hoping no one would see me.

As I sat in the cool grass (ease, healing), pushed up against the side of the trailer, a small girl approached me. She had blonde hair and blue eyes. She began to talk to me asking me why I was hiding. She was small, maybe 10 years old, and very innocent and curious. She came up and said, “Hi! Why are you over here all alone? Are you a teacher? All the teachers are in this section, not that in that one.” She pointed to the one I just left. The other section, was reserved for others, I can’t remember what she called them now. Students maybe. I told her I didn’t think I was a teacher.

She asked me, “Will you be my teacher?” I didn’t know quite what she meant and hesitated to answer. The girl snuggled close to me and began to touch me gently, tracing her fingers along the bare skin of my arm. I could feel what she was feeling and she was appreciating me, thinking me beautiful. I also sensed that she felt she was suppose to act a certain way, a very adult way. It made me feel sorry for her. I thought she must have grown up around the sex ring, seeing much more than a child her age should see. I was upset at her father for bringing her to such a place. How could he do that to his daughter?

Then I remember her climbing on top of me and kissing me on the lips. It was a closed mouth kiss and the feeling was that she was playing, practicing what she had seen others do. I played along but was a bit in shock, still feeling sorry for her but not judging her or rejecting her. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

After a few more similar kisses she grabbed my hand and put it on her crotch. She asked me to touch her there. When she did this I froze. I was overcome with such sadness realizing she had likely been molested to even know of such things. Yet the girl was still so innocent and trusting of me, she had no shame and I could tell she felt it was the right thing to do. She was literally trying to please me.

At this point she was laying on top of me. I could see her bare back in such detail – the tiny hairs, the tanned skin, the way her back curved up to her shoulders. I thought her very beautiful, amazingly so. It reminded me of my own body when I was her age. I think at this point in the dream I identified with this little girl, it felt like she was a part of me.

I slowly pulled my hand away from her genital region, telling her very gently, “No”. I could feel her in detail, as if I had touched her there a million times. Again, she felt like me and the sense of this was strange, as if I stopped time and merged the past and present. I felt only love and compassion. My intention was to nurture, love and protect her.

Then I did something unexpected. I took her hand and put it in my crotch like she had done to me. I said, “Here. Like this.” She seemed to immediately know what I was asking and she inserted her finger into my vagina. When she did this my root chakra began to activate and my lucidity peaked. I didn’t wake up right away, though. Instead, I remember feeling a bit confused as to what I was experiencing but not protesting it or pushing it away, though I wanted to because to be with a child like that is wrong. Yet I sensed whatever was occurring was healing and so I didn’t interfere.

When I woke my root chakra was intensifying, the energy just beginning to move up into my second chakra. I knew that the dream girl was me, maybe my inner child, the innocent version of me who only knew love and wanted to be loved. There were no feelings of shame or guilt, just pure expression and exploration. There was no way I could criticize her but I did feel a sadness for her. I was sad that she knew so much at such a young age. She only wanted to please but had been taught that sex was the primary way to please another.


The discussion upon waking was centered around self-love. I was instructed to focus inward to find what I was seeking and not focus on the surging energy in my root chakra. I shifted positions and the energy in my root gradually dissipated. I could feel energy in other areas – my head and heart specifically. The conversation was mostly telepathic; a Knowing replaced words. What I was told was that I still had some healing to do, but that I was very close.

Yesterday I was wondering about something that may have come up in this dream for inspection. I wondered what others would answer to this question: Which would you pick – a relationship and true partnership with another built upon a foundation of love and support, or a life filled with material security, never wanting for anything, but devoid of deep connection and love?

I remember thinking that I have always chosen the latter, so I have no memory of the former manifesting. It seems that survival trumps love, that I have opted time and time again to forgo love for security. Yesterday I was thinking my choices have been denying me exactly what I need/want/deserve in life. Perhaps the dream with the little girl was showing me a piece of myself that has been covered up and denied for too long? Showing me that she misunderstood love and needed to be taught what love really is?

When I first experienced a heart-connection the end of 2015, a vision (or memory?) came to me that seemed impossible until that time. The feeling with this vision/memory was the most memorable. In the vision I saw myself upset, standing in front of the stove trying to cook dinner. I was frustrated, feeling all kinds of emotion and becoming angry for the inability to cope. My partner came up from behind and wrapped his arms around me. I could feel from him this overwhelming love, understanding and support as he held me. All my upset and resistance melted away and a deep calm enveloped me. I stood there letting the food overcook, falling into his energy knowing everything would be okay. It felt more like a memory than a vision of what was to come, though it may have been both. I knew in that instant that love like that was possible and available to me. Before that I had no concept of love like that. Up to that point, love had always been an exchange built upon mutual dependence/need.

The more I learn what real love is, the more my choice to the above question changes. I am getting close to being able to completely change my answer because it feels like choosing the first option – love – brings just as much, if not more, security than the second.


When I woke this morning I was a bit down about something that I got over rather quickly. I think I must have been mulling over the idea that the ascension process somehow turns us into “new” individuals; like in the end the person transforming isn’t themselves anymore but someone else. I thought to myself, “That was me and this is me. I am still me and always will be.”

It is understandable that I would think through this process that I would “magically transform” into someone new and unrecognizable from the person I once was. In many ways, I am very different, but the core of my personality, of who I AM, has not changed one bit. Yes, I’ve been through some intensely transformative experiences, ones where I shifted so much into my HS that I felt the old me literally shed and fall off like old clothing. I’ve shed many layers through similar experiences over the years, but every.single.time I come back to my core self and to a more balanced distribution of HS and lower self.

With this consideration that I will transform into someone new came the assumption that this “new” person will ultimately change everything else in their life to match. There is so much talk online about how we must drop anything that is of a “lower vibration” -all connections with people, places and things which no longer align with who we are – that is easy to assume that means, in the end, our lives look completely different than prior to the transformation. And maybe this is true for some people. It certainly seems so if you focus primarily on those writing about ascension, the Shift, etc. But what about all those others going through this process who have not dramatically changed everything about themselves and their lives as a result? Are they not transformed just as intensely?

Ultimately, I realized that I had this idea that I am not transformed unless I make drastic changes to my life so that I can live in tune with my new, higher vibration. It’s like I think one cannot come without the other which it total BS. I mean really, whose to say that I am not already in line? If I weren’t, I would be shifting away from where I am.  If something doesn’t feel right, I look at it, adjust it and continue on; therefore, I am always fine tuning my life to align with my vibration – my heart/soul/core. I don’t have to use my spiritual gifts full-time or sell everything, buy and RV and drive around the country helping those I happen across. I don’t have to go to ceremonies or gather in groups with others of the “Light” (which we all are BTW) or write a book, hold a class, give a lecture, make a video, etc. I don’t have to divorce my husband, leave my family and move across the country to Mt. Shasta (which I thought of doing!) or some other place (like TN) in order to somehow be this “new improved” version of myself.

I could do any of those things. I could. But honestly the only thing I should do is what feels right to me. If it doesn’t feel right in the end, then I am missing something and to act without full [self-] awareness would be unwise.

I was a bit down to discover my faulty thinking but then I forgave myself for it is only human to put conditions on everything. “If ________ happens, then _______ will happen” is conditional thinking. My guidance has brought this to my attention before! I remember, too, and I do try to stay aware of the conditions I place on myself, my life and others. Yet, it still happens. It is everywhere, unfortunately, and these conditions can really wreak havoc on our lives if we don’t seek them out. They can trap us, and do trap us.

If you are feeling unbalanced, unhappy, or dissatisfied in some way, there is likely some kind of conditional thinking underneath it all that is to blame.

Now that I think of it, maybe I was discussing this very topic in my dreams last night because one dream in particular comes up.


The dream began inside a house (own soul/self). The house was full of people I knew. There was a man who had two babies (innocence, new beginnings), twins (duality) I think. One was in distress, stuck inside a small box with wire over the front. I went up to the baby to console him and the baby pushed on the door and it opened. He was free. I said to the baby, “You freed yourself! Good job!” I snuggled with the baby. He was wearing only a diaper and looked to be around 12 months old.

The father was an older man with a gray beard. As I held both babies, talking baby talk to them both and just generally snuggling and loving them, I asked the father if he was going to have anymore babies. He said that he was not because he couldn’t. I saw an image of his lower regions and heard “fixed” but I do not think it was physical but something spiritual because I saw energy/nadis running through his penis and testicles.

There is a section of the dream where I am in a hallway. I am talking to my husband who is finishing up a very elaborate mural on the wall. I recognize the images. They are giant replications of my Oracle deck. There are at least six cards painted next to each other covering the wall from floor to ceiling. I comment on how beautiful they are and how I painted the originals. I remember thinking they looked better on the wall than on the tiny canvas’ I used.

Then I was fiddling with my purse (identity and sense of self) and pulled out a folded piece of paper. I opened it up and it was a letter (communication from subconscious) from someone I knew. I looked up and saw her across the room watching me. She was a young woman, approximately 25, with brown hair and eyes. The letter had two pages. The first was just a note and the second was an entire page of Light Language. I realized as I was looking it over that she had written me to share her revelation and seek counsel on how to develop her gifts.

For some reason I decided I didn’t need or want this girl’s letter anymore. Light Language seemed insignificant to me, as if it was just a silly hobby. I folded it back up and got up to throw it in the trash (release, let go). As I got to the can I saw the girl was sitting very close to it and watching me. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I quickly changed my mind about tossing the letter. I pretended I had a runny nose, sniffled and used the folded note to wipe (let go of past) my nose.

The dream grows hazy here. Mostly I remember flashes of things I have done in the past. I saw my paintings and the Oracle deck they later became a part of. I saw the Light Language I had written and channeled. I saw the walk-in group I gathered with in TN and Shasta. These all flashed very quickly through my mind and then I heard someone speaking to me, listing off the answer selections to a multiple choice question. I can’t remember the selections now because I woke up.


The sadness hit me upon waking. It felt like all the things I had done in the past were in an attempt to fill in the blanks of that condition I placed upon myself. How much of it was true to me? And how much was me attempting to transform myself into something I thought I should be? In looking back on my feelings, I can’t help but think that much, if not all of it, was me attempting to find myself and, like the portion of the dream involving the letter, ultimately just a phase that has long since passed.

But then, isn’t life composed of passing phases of self-exploration? Isn’t that why we come into life? To experience ourselves? So, it is not that all of my experiences were some futile attempt to re-create myself. No. They were me learning who I am via exploration and experimentation. This is what we (spirit in human form) do. Children do it all the time (play!). Adults, not so much. We just let ourselves get stuck in the condition rather than moving through it when it has served it’s purpose. We keep playing trudging through a game long after we find it boring or pointless.

I guess the question now is: What games do I want to play presently? What brings about a longing in my heart to explore and experiment?

If I am honest with myself about this question then I guess I would like more experiences involving the bliss state. I want to see if I can remain neutral through intensely pleasurable experiences and intensely painful experiences alike. I want to test my own limits, physically and spiritually. Travel would be nice, especially locations where I can be out in nature, and ideally with someone who I enjoy being with.

Peaks and Valleys

The last few days I underwent a mini-transformation from sad and unmotivated to happy and content with life. Many lessons packed into a small period perhaps? Or maybe I am just learning? 🙂

I’ve been watching Westworld and the last few episodes of season 2 seemed to speak to me regarding my spiritual path and the ascension of mankind in general. The main message was that we have been programmed, running on a specific loop for lifetimes and that the only way to free ourselves from this program is to 1. be aware of it and 2. seek to alter the programming. We, of course, have the forgetfulness of being human to deal with causing us delays and throwing us back into the loop time and time again. However, ascension will eventually reverse the forgetfulness in a way as to allow us to have more memory and thus work toward changing our programming.

Anyway, having some odd dreams lately with a “hamburger” theme of all things!!!


Woke in a sour mood with a song in my head – never danced like this before, we don’t talk about it, do the boogie all night long, stoned in paradise, shouldn’t talk about it….

For the second night in a row I woke more times than I could count in the night. I knew the song was reminding me that I was avoiding something – not talking about something. I immediately softened and focused inward and was covered in warm energy that radiated outward from my core.

Dream: Hamburger Flower

I had several dreams that all blended together. I recall one where I was grocery shopping with a very rambunctious girl (retarded maybe?). I remember going to buy veggies, specifically Kohlrabi and then on to the meats section.

There was another dream in a restaurant where I met up with a woman friend but it is hazy now, too. I just remember joining her at a table and also sitting at another table with two black guys. I think I was black in this dream as well and likely reconnecting with someone I knew in the past since I was on the phone with a black woman friend. I remember seeing a whole history of a Dodge Caravan purchase and the trade-in and everything. The comments made were that it smelled so good in comparison to the old vehicle. lol Note: On the way to work I kept noticing minivans (burdens/responsibilities of taking care of a family).

Then I was traveling with my husband. There is a whole part of the dream that is foggy here. I think I was in an RV part of the way. We stopped to get food at a cafe. I ordered a special hamburger (lacking something to become whole) that had a “2” in it, like 2C or something. My husband got his order long before me and sat in the wrong place. I had chosen a seat on the other side of the room and taken my fries (do not overlook the minuscule things in life) there. Eventually I retrieved my fries from the table which now had a group of young people sitting at it. They handed me my fries in a green (healing, love) napkin (good news) and I took them and joined my husband.

When my burger arrived it looked odd. There were six patties, one in the center and five others fanned out around it like a flower’s petals (broken relationship, regret or guilt). In the center was a fried egg (something new is about to happen). All this was on one half of a bun.


Peaks and Valleys

When I woke I was unhappy and feeling like I had a lot of time to pass before anything substantial happened. I kept thinking of the dream I had (Akashic library) where I was shown how my spiritual progress was organized throughout this life. I saw the rolling waves across the years indicating times of spiritual intensity followed by nothing spiritual (seemingly) for a time. This pattern repeated over and over. I did not see the spiritual periods increasing or intensifying or showing higher levels than the previous. It was very consistent and predictable. I thought later about how it may indicate that right now I am in one of the valleys of boring, mundane life. I could see the pattern playing out and thought that maybe I should just accept it and not concern myself during these “low” times but rather just forget and move on with in it.

11/2/18 Dream – Reprogramming

The first dream I remember of the night is very fuzzy now. I mostly remember talking about programming with one of my guides. I also recall there being space in between activity, like a strobe light without the visuals. I also recall intense root chakra energy that snaked all the way up to my heart. It did not wake me but was memorable enough for me to pause and enjoy it.

The discussion with my guide is mostly what remains. In summary, we talked about how focus/fixation on pleasure and avoidance of pain was being worked through. The intermittent waves of spiritual intensity mixed with mundane periods was meant to help me see and correct a pattern. My reaction should be neutral regardless of where I am on the spectrum of emotion/sensation. The goal is to not impatiently wait for the desired, pleasurable,exciting phases while also not resisting the boring and mundane phases and learn to integrate the two so that the “waves” become less and less noticeable and I am flowing in a straight line with little variation. The key is to put my attention on this neutral state, which after all is “bliss” in and of itself. To remain in bliss throughout the up’s and down’s. To do this, I have to learn to be the observer in life, to listen to that inner voice at all times. A part of me dislikes this information because I really do love the intense bliss arousal state. The boring states are not as big of an issue for me, nor is the pain so much.

Dream: Disqualified

In the next dream I was in a kitchen preparing hamburgers (learn from experience, lack of fulfillment) for the group. I was part of a group similar to the Bachelor where women and men were interacting and eventually would pair up. It felt like, for me at least, I was choosing between 5 different men. The hamburgers were for them. As I cooked I looked at the patties browning, scooping them up one by one and placing them on buns. I specifically took two patties and placed them next to each other on a bun. The other three patties were then placed on their own buns. The buns were too big for the patties. There remained one bun with nothing on it.

All the men were grateful, I remember them saying so. We then lay down to watch a movie. I can’t remember it now but I remember seeing a man and knowing he was my partner, the one I was meant to be paired with. The Knowingness was strong. Seeing him sparked a memory. I went to him and we just stared into each other’s eyes. We spoke without words, connecting fully.

I lay in his arms as we watched the movie, aware of our connection and discussing telepathically with him how we would share our bond with the group. I remember saying that we would just let them know we had paired up. That was the purpose of this group after all? We were snuggled together very happy and comfortable for a while. I mostly remember the soft pillows (comfort, support) and his arms wrapped around me.

At some point after this I became aware of water (emotion) seeping into the space. It was coming through the walls, the cabinets, everything. There was concern here and I remember trying to get out of the room (aspect of Self) because that was the source of the water.

Outside the men were waiting and everyone was staring at me. I was told by those in charge that I had been disqualified and needed to pack my things and leave. As I was leaving, I looked up at a concrete (solid, unyielding) roof (barrier between states of consciousness) over the door. It was dripping water (emotion). I took it down with my mind revealing the clear sky above.

I turned and noticed the group standing and watching me. My partner was passed out (unaware, not wanting to know) in a heap on the ground. I went to retrieve him, holding him in my arms concerned for him because he was not waking up. What was odd is that he transformed so that I was holding a very large sloth (lack of ambition, passivity, laziness) with a neck that was very thin like that of a bird. His head had large eyes and his mouth often looked like a beak (interference, annoyance). I carried him with me, cradling his head to try and keep it from dangling on the long neck (indecision). I asked the other men where his spot/bed was. I walked along a line of men, their individual rooms were chairs (feelings or ideas being dismissed or cast aside) all along a long table that stretched against the wall. Each section was separated by a wall (separateness) and it was very prison-like and institutional (analytical). I felt very sad for the men knowing their areas were so stark in comparison to the women’s dorm room were all women slept together and had beds (connection with self and others).

I asked where my partner’s space was, saying a name I can’t recall. I was pointed to a space and I set him down in his chair (feelings/ideas cast aside) thinking it a bad place for him to sleep (unaware). His head (over-thinking weighing him down) hit the floor a few times and I thought he must be dead.

A woman was there and told me that my partner likely took some medication (avoidance) that caused him to sleep. She said he would be fine once it wore off. I watched as he began to wake up, turning once again into a man. He seemed unaffected and perfectly fine, smiling as if nothing had happened. I left feeling like he was too far gone to come with me. It felt as if he was unreachable and I wondered about the symbolism as I woke, becoming more lucid with each consideration.

Adele song lyrics were in my head – Nevermind I’ll find someone like you…..I wish nothing but the best for you. Don’t forget me, I begged. I remember you said, “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”.


I had a guide close when I woke. I asked to be allowed out of this life/path. He told me I could not, that I had gone past the point of no return and must finish what I started. We talked about my dreams. My words reflected the conversations of the night. He asked me what I thought of the sloth dream. I only remember feeling sad, like so much time was needed to get men into the right state to be in balance with the feminine. That is what the dream seemed to indicate to me, that men were still a long way away from resolution – being sloth-like, drugged and avoidant. And women were grieving heavily, aware but unable to get the men to wake, thus the water seeping through the walls and me carrying my sloth-partner around trying to protect him from harm.

I remember my guide telling me that I could not rush things else I would harm myself. The harm here is physical and emotional, not spiritual. There is great risk in being vulnerable with the wrong person. I was reassured that I would find what I seek but that I need to be patient. Time seemed so much like my enemy.

My realization was to once again seek what I am looking for inside myself. My focus had shifted prior to bed and remained so upon waking. I could feel the connection with my guide. It was like a warm all-over buzzing/vibrating. I mentioned it and he said, “You have always felt it. It is always there.” With this I knew that if I continued to look inward that connection would be there, connection to All, and with that the bliss.


On Friday I went to eat with a group of coworkers, all men, to a burger bar and grill place. I had a few incidences of feeling way too wide open which resulted in mild panic that I quickly reeled in. It was odd, though, since I haven’t felt anxiety/panic in a while. When the sensation hit I would want to run or get out of the space. Just odd. I kept trying to figure where or who the feeling was coming from but I couldn’t. Eventually it subsided but only right before leaving.

What is really strange about going to this burger place is that one guy, whose birthday we were celebrating, ordered a burger with a fried egg on it. It reminded me of both the hamburger dreams above, especially the one where I ordered one with a fried egg on top! So odd…..

Feeling Blessed

Despite the strange ascension symptoms I’ve been having, it seems that I am shifting once again and finding my center. I feel stable and strong, healthy and vibrant. Just today I felt like I could live forever I felt so good, but that was after a trail run. With all the energy craziness lately I have been outside quite a bit. It is the only thing that helps right now. If I am feeling off in any way I get outside as soon as I can and feel almost instantly better.

Some of my “symptoms”:

Pain in my right shoulder – radiates into my wrist sometimes, comes and goes.
Headaches – come on suddenly and then stop just as suddenly.
Tiredness, on and off.
Interrupted sleep.
Mild anxiety/panic

The telepathy with my husband is the strangest by far. I don’t normally pick up on his thoughts as clear as I have been. For example, on Thursday I took the car to pick up the kids and he stayed at work. His plan was to catch a ride home with his brother. While I was going to grab a few things at the store I thought, “I need to go pick up ____”. I thought this cheerfully and then shut down the thought because I knew he was catching a ride. I actually had this same thought two more times after as well. Thirty minutes later he calls as I am leaving the store and says, “I forgot to tell my brother I needed a ride and he left already. Can you come pick me up?” LOL

There was another incident of a similar nature but I can’t remember it now. It had to do with getting something and I did it before he asked because I heard in my head that I needed to get it! WTF? It was actually very, very cool. 🙂

Today’s trail run was so uplifting and wonderful. My husband came along and I remember thinking how nice it was to have him in my life. I can call on him to hang out with me anytime I want and he will. I am never alone unless I want to be. I do enjoy his company most of the time and he is the first person I ask when I want to go do something. I can’t imagine not having anyone to call upon, to hang out with, etc. I should not take it for granted as there are so many who have no one. I am truly blessed. Truly.

Here are some shots from the run. The monarchs were out today again. It made the entire experience such a de-Light. 🙂


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A Glimpse Ahead

Some interesting dreamwork happening now.

Dream: A Walk in His Shoes

This dream began inside a restaurant. It was very home-like in appearance with low light and a warm atmosphere. I was sitting at a table with my girlfriends talking. There was a candle in the center of our table, its light casting shadows across everything. Across from us was a group of guys doing guy stuff, laughing, drinking and slapping each other on the back, etc. I pointed out one guy to my girlfriend as if targeting him. He was someone I knew in a personal way, but the specifics were not present in my memory. I remember telling her I was going to take his place.

Then I was this guy, taking on his perspective and using his body as my own. I remember lounging in a chair talking to me (the woman). I felt all of his emotions – his interest, his self-doubt, his curiosity, his fear, his affinity for me, his impatience, his hopes, and his intent. It was a flurry of emotion telling me much, much more about him that I could have ever perceived had I not been in his body.

The dream is fuzzy here now but I remember that as him I experienced being turned down by me as a woman. What I remember most about this part of the dream is seeing an animal trap with a mouse (making a big deal out of something insignificant) inside. I heard myself (as the woman) say, “It’s time to let him go.”I was referring to the mouse in the dream, but I think it may have had a double meaning. I saw a little mouse inside the trap going to the now open hatch but stopping as if there was a pane of glass keeping him inside.

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Conversation with my Guide

I woke slowly from this dream, which is probably why much of it is lost to me now. The first thing I remember here is having memory of a specific guy I dated way back when I was 17 and still in high school. At the same time I was aware that the dream was the result of a life review and this surprised me. I thought, “Why am I doing a life review now?”

My guide began to ask me questions as the entirety of my time with this man flashed through my memory. I saw bits and pieces of our time together, most not in sequence.

My guide asked me, “How do you think you would have acted had you been able to feel what he was feeling?” I remember how I cut this guy off after feeling he was too intense, like a “puppy dog”, clinging to me in a very desperate way. I stopped talking to him, ignored his attempts at communication and refused to have anything to do with him. I remember he had begun to talk about our future, about how he would move in an apartment near my university so we could be close and how we could continue dating while I was in college. He sent flowers to me while I was in class which terribly embarrassed me because I had to explain to everyone who sent them and I wasn’t prepared to reveal who he was to them, fearful of their judgement of me. He sent notes to me at work as well. At first I thought it was sweet but it happened too frequently and with an urgency that repelled me.

In considering my guide’s question I thought back, “I would have let him down easy. I would have explained why, so he knew it wasn’t his fault. I would not have cut all communication like that, leaving him hanging and not knowing why. I am sure he was wondering, ‘What did I do?’ I am sure it devastated him. I know as much because his sister told me about it.” Then, I thought of how he remained single for over a decade afterward (probably even now) and began to feel it was all my fault. I was reassured it was not, but that the experience had been a painful one for him.

I wondered about the dream and knew the symbolism. I was being asked to walk in his shoes, to take on his perspective.

Then my mind went to the “what if”, the potential, of that “match”. How would it have changed my life? I saw an entire new road I could have followed. He wanted to marry me, I suspected it way back then, but the dream experience told me it was true. Had I stayed with him I would have had a simple life with few material things. I saw very little excitement, very little travel or change. He just did not fit the scene I had painted in my mind for my own life. Yet had I chosen that path I saw so much more ease when it came to my spiritual changes and life. He would have openly accepted me/them to the point of even encouraging me in that direction.

He had such an idealist view of us – simplistic, happy, friends, partners, etc. So optimistic and hopeful. But what he saw what the opposite of what I wanted. His neediness and attachment to me was repelling and I did not know how to handle it except to run the other way. I reacted in a cowardly way and I was ashamed of this. I did like him, we were good friends, but that was all he was to me. To think of giving him the, “I like you as a friend” line just didn’t feel right at the time. It made more sense to just go silent. It was easier anyway.

The Future Of Mankind

I was asked to consider how the world might be if we could completely know what the other person felt and thought. I wondered how that would work. It for sure would help to avoid the upset, the pain, the rejection, etc that is often felt in situations like this!

I was reminded of my recent connection and how it played out. There was no upset, just an exchange of truth between two people. The exchange was 100% honest with no barriers, nothing hidden, no illusions or masks. In all honesty the experience was refreshing in so many ways. The complete openness helped to avoid so much complication in the end. There was no trying to figure out what the other person wanted. There was no doubt, no worry, fear or unknowns. Most importantly, there was no judgment. I presented my side, he presented his. When the two did not align completely it was clear that we should both go on our way, which we did. No attachments were formed so no pain or upset resulted except where the Ego was allowed too much freedom.

The amazing thing was the connection between us was so intense and beautiful that one could easily become caught up in it so much as to ignore one’s own intention and truth entirely in order to perpetuate the feeling. Yet, surprising, I did not do this! I was 100% certain of what I wanted to the point of continually communicating it throughout, even during the most beautiful connection experiences. And he was as well. It only lasted as long as it did because he was trying to persuade me to change my mind. Ultimately, the truth prevailed and understanding was reached.

The similarities between this recent experience and the one from my youth are striking. How much I’ve changed!! It also proves that humans are capable of this kind of openness, telepathy and honesty. We can put aside Ego and avoid so much pain and upset. Will we always get what we want? No, but at least we won’t waste our and others’ time pretending and ignoring reality!

There is, of course, the dark side to this. If one is completely open to the bliss, love and connection with another, that also means openness to the opposite – the hurt, immense pain and overwhelming loss. This is the “decimated” feeling I am so familiar with now. This decimated feeling is what results when one truly opens to the pain in this world. There is SO much! The truth is, however, that that sort of pain is only present because of the separation we experience, a separation perpetuated by the Ego and it’s service to self.

Sadly, there is much more separation in this world than there is Oneness and Connection.

I wondered about how the world will ever catch up. My guidance reminded me of my first awakening experiences, of how, when I first started this journey back in 2004, there were so few experiencing what I was. The word “ascension” was brand new and few talked about it. Within a decade or so there was an explosion of the “awakened” and ascension has now become mainstream. It was made clear to me that my telepathic and Oneness experiences will follow that same trajectory on a worldwide scale. I did not request a specific time frame as I felt it did not matter. Instead I wondered about the consequences of this kind of change especially if those not yet ready for that kind of connection. For me the progression was quick in comparison to how long and drawn out it could be. What of those who cannot get past the initial connection experience so easily? Potentially, the future could be a very destructive one for much of humanity.

My Journey

It was made clear to me that this is just the first step for me on my journey to openness. I can see how I have been prepared for this journey, specifically how the Kundalini prepared me, clearing the way, albeit painfully at times. I am now clear enough that I no longer react in fear to the Kundalini bliss/energy. I fully embrace her, surrendering and opening fully. This I do with full knowing that she can also inflict horrendous pain, but only when there is resistance. With full surrender the pain is diminished to the point that you are fully the observer of it, safe and content in Divine Love and Oneness. Time ceases to exist. All there is is NOW. From this vantage point there is no room for the Ego. When I am One I am without illusion, without lies, without judgment of self or others. I completely accept myself and others. For all my trying to analyze what it is to experience surrender, for all my trying to understand it, the only way I really Knew was to BE it. Now, it comes as naturally as breathing. How amazing is that? Of course, to take that ease and combine it with physical reality experience is a whole other ballgame, but I am getting there. The fact that I have already encountered it and passed the test is proof that it can be done!



Message: Preparing to Open Up

My dreams indicate a preparation underway for some intense changes, changes that will have a ripple effect and ultimately alter my path.

Before I go into my dreams and the messages received, I want to share some of my day yesterday. I continued to be emotional throughout the morning, crying/grieving and releasing. I knew the best way to help was to get outside. So, that’s what I did. I went for a trail run and it was the perfect day for it.

I encountered many people along the trail, hikers, mountain bikers, trail runners, groups of kids, families, and lone individuals. It was sunny and warm and so all the bees and butterflies were out. I lingered, taking photos and videos of butterflies. Below are just a few of those. Some were taken in my back yard:



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I noticed the monarchs in the two pictures above had honey bees beside them in the pics. Just earlier this week I had two bee encounters in the same day. The first one was a tiny bee hitchhiking on the outside of our minivan. Here is a pic of him:

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Later that evening I encountered another honey bee. This one fell into my soda.  I quickly dumped my soda to try and save him but he was lifeless, completely black and waterlogged. A few minutes later I came to check and he had come back to life, eventually flying away. I was shocked that he revived like that. I didn’t know bees could do that!

Bee going into my soda can.

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The same bee after he came back to life.

So, to encounter a monarch and see the bees reminded me of the bee encounter and suggested I look into the symbolism. To me, bees represent hard work and butterflies represent transformation. Message: You won’t successfully transform without working for it. The resurrected bee seemed to be saying, “You will experience a death and rebirth.” I am thinking to that, “Yeah, many deaths and rebirths!”

By the end of my trail run my neck and shoulder had stopped hurting. Yay! I also felt like Mother Nature had given me a huge hug, just what I needed. I was exhausted the rest of the day and spent most of my time laying down and resting. I just had no energy. Additionally, I still had some emotion left to purge, so I just allowed it. There was nothing else I could do really. It just amazes me how much grief I hold.

Dream: Sister

In this dream a friend of mine was becoming close with my sister. They were talking quite a bit and I was against it, saying my sister would hurt him and trying to find a way to make sure that she didn’t. I remember mentioning one of the reasons she would hurt him is she is a Sagittarius. lol

Me and a group of others was following the communications between my friend and sister. They had tracked my friend to his apartment. I had meant to confront him about my sister but when I arrived he was not home. I remember going into another apartment (emotional state) with the group and waiting. Eventually, I went to the neighboring apartment and asked if he had heard anything from my friend. He said, “No. It is always quiet there. He keeps to himself.” In my mind I saw him at a computer.

When I awoke from the dream my concern for my friend lingered as did a sense of concern that my sister would take my friend away from me. lol In real life, this concern is nonexistent. I have never had an incident where my sister stole a boyfriend of mine or even a friend of mine. We are just so different – she likes to party, is extremely social, has different taste in men, and experimented with drugs. I thought it odd that my dream would indicate a concern on my part if the “sister” in the dream represented my sister in this life. I think it likely this “sister” is an aspect of myself.

Dream: House Guests

The dream continued on after this, melding into a new one. It began with a knock on my door. When I opened my friend was standing there. He smiled at me and then looked to his right. He had with him a huge group of people who I knew were to come stay with me. I invited them in but I don’t think my friend came with them.

When the people came inside I quickly became the good hostess, finding rooms for them and showing them the bathroom. I remember going into my “sister’s” room and helping a young boy with the remote control. I showed him how to turn on the T.V. and use DISH, indicating he had to turn the power on twice, once to the unit and once to the T.V. The boy had with him his twin sisters who were in my sister’s closet changing. I asked them if they were all going to stay in the room and one laughed and said, “Of course not!” I remember they all had Australian accents (exploring subconscious thoughts).

I took some more individuals to my room and told them they could stay there. I was to stay in my other room. Both rooms were my in real life when I lived with my mom as a teenager. The one I opted to stay in was the one I slept in from 5th grade to 10th grade. The one the guests would occupy was the one I slept in from 11th grade to graduation and beyond. There was a tiny hole drilled in the wall near the floor that use to hold wires but was now empty. One of the girls stuck her finger through it and said, “I wonder if I can see into your room?” I laughed and said, “You probably could if you stuck a video camera through that hole.” I was not concerned, though.

Then I gave instructions on the bathroom (cleansing), telling them to make sure to hold the door shut because the lock didn’t work. I suggested they use it when everyone was asleep to avoid being walked in on. One of the girls laughed about it. It seemed like everyone in the group was very close and that “walking in” was not unusual.

When I woke from this dream the sense I had was that I was inviting (opening up) many into my home (soul/Self). I was not concerned in the dream but I wondered what it meant when I thought about it.

Dream: New Job

In this dream I was again with a group. My attention was drawn to a man who worked from home. His job was odd. It consisted of gathering up fish into a tank. The fish would be separated out, inspected and then assigned to a vendor who would then be charged for it. The vendors were all credit card companies and a bill would be sent at the end for all the fish inspected for them.

The women I was with were being asked to consider working for this man because his business had grown so much that he needed help. I remember watching the man for a while as he did his job. He was tall, slender, and clean cut with brown hair. He was wearing a long, white lab coat as he tended to the tank where the fish were. He would push a button every once in a while and a new group of fish (ideas) would enter. He would then crawl into the water with the fish and inspect them one by one.

I remember talking to a woman for a while about the job and my qualifications. She felt she couldn’t do it, that she didn’t know enough. I felt I knew all the job functions except the one involving the fish inspection (the scientific part). I was invited to work on day at the job to decide if it was for me.

When I went to work my experience was odd. I remember pressing the button and letting in the next fish. Only one fish came in and it was huge with sharp teeth. I remember calling it a Tuna (agility and stamina). I was told to get into the tank with it. Nervous, I crawled inside with the fish only the fish turned into a man, or at least felt like a man. I was completely naked and the man was staring at me, specifically my crotch, and making me very uncomfortable. I got out and told whoever I was with that I could not do the job. I explained that the man/fish made me feel exposed and desired and that it was uncomfortable for me.

There was discussion here about what happened. The only thing I recall of it now was that I had a dysfunction that needed to be resolved. The job was mine. I was to move into a house/apartment with two other women. My schedule was strange, though. I had to come in some days at 9am. I explained I already had a job and this would be impossible. They ignored me and went on to tell me to be ready to split rent three ways. I heard, “$1500, split three ways is $500 each.”

Then I was with the group preparing to rent an apartment with two other women. We entered into their current apartment. Inside, it had no walls, only sections of space that made up the separated living areas for each resident. I remember sitting on a porch swing in the hall waiting for the women to get their things and go, looking at the odd layout and thinking it good that I wasn’t to live there. Did no one have privacy?

Then I was outside the house/apartment walking on a path with a man. The odd thing is that the walls were completely transparent and I could see everything inside as if I were looking through a giant window (no separation). One of my future roommates came down the stairs. I saw her as my younger sister in real life. I began to run to her, knowing it was time to go. In my hand I had two, 5lb kettlebells.

When I got to my roommate she explained the price for our new place would be $1700 total. I thought it expensive. She said, “Remember it’s split three ways.” This seemed high still but she showed me in my mind that we each would have our own bedrooms. This satisfied me.


When I woke I had a group of guides around me. I felt that “serious” feeling that is familiar. It says, “Pay attention. This is important.” I wondered about the dreams and was told that I had to “let them in”. “Them” in this case is others, not necessarily just my guidance or those in Spirit who are here to assist. It felt like what is done in Spirit is mirrored in physicality.

The houses/apartment dreams symbolize this shift. They symbolize opening up to others, losing the separation I have grown so accustomed to. It was explained to me that there is fear related to losing the “safe” feeling that comes with separation. To open up makes one feel exposed and vulnerable. I was told, “You don’t know any different, but it is time.”

This opening up in spiritual terms means opening up the heart fully. Opening up in physical terms means expanding my circle of friends/family; letting people into my life, being more social and trusting of others and leaning on them as I let them lean on me.

Opening up spiritually seems to come first but ultimately they occur simultaneously only it is not obvious. An open heart means fully feeling/experiencing others as myself. It is that telepathic link I have already experienced with a rare few. It means fully trusting and being vulnerable; exposed. In this case on a much larger scale. As a spiritual Being this is my natural state. As a human it is unusual and can be frightening if not done gradually.

It was explained to me that I was about to open up again and to expect high levels of emotion as a result. Memories of previous experiences of this came to me, times when it was as if all the burdens of humanity to include the emotion and experiences therein were all at once mine. With the experience came an immediate drive to do something about it but it felt impossible to bear and I could not handle it at the time. I was reminded of how to handle it, though, and I remembered how. I have to go to my core and from there I would be joined by others (be One), united in such a way as to manage the burden, the pain, the emotion. From my core I can access the silence, the peace and stillness. As if by habit I went to my core and lingered there for a while.

All the lessons I have learned up until now are preparing me for this openness. Others are also preparing for this alongside me. Some know already, some don’t. Humanity is shifting from separation to Oneness. We won’t all shift, though. Some aren’t ready, but eventually all of humanity will be One, feel as one, and no longer exist in separation as we do today. I can’t imagine it to such a large degree, but I can imagine what I myself have experienced thus far. If it feels anything like what I have felt/experienced, then it is magnificent beyond compare. To think that we can all exist in these human bodies, fully connected and as One, blows my mind. But then this whole experience has been mind blowing for me up to this point. Makes sense that it would continue as such.

A part of my song was going through my head as I woke as well. Specifically, “Lay it all on me now, lay it all on me now.” This is not the first time I’ve heard this song. I suspect the message is asking me to give all my worries and pain to God, to ask for and accept help.

Vision and Message

Right before I got out of bed I had a vivid vision of a place I have been before. At first it was like I was going into a lucid dream but the recognition of the place brought me to full awareness. I thought, “That’s that holistic doctor’s office.” I couldn’t remember his name but I had been there in 2014. With that thought I heard from my guidance, “Find out what’s wrong.” After thinking about it for a moment I thought it an odd vision and message to receive. Yet now, I think I will make an appointment since I have been having some odd female issues and it would be nice to know what, if anything, is wrong.

There was one last vision. I saw a Google search result on a computer screen. The first listing said, “Aluna Joy.” I knew the name. Here is a link to her website. I suspect there is a message there I, and maybe you all, need to read.

Upon first glance I notice she organizes pilgrimages to certain sacred locations across the Earth. Recently, my husband encouraged me to go on a trip, to get a break from everyday life/responsibilities since he gets breaks quite frequently. I decided I would do just that, only I have no idea where to go or who to go with (if anyone). Perhaps this intention is already manifesting. I guess I will see.


We Are Not Meant to Do This Alone

There’s some pretty intense energy right now working to “flush out” the old. For me, it seems to be focusing on the middle chakras – sacral plexus, solar plexus and heart. I have a lot of stuck energy there, always have.

I’ve been mostly feeling unsettled and restless. When I stop moving/thinking/doing, which is my way of handling the feeling, I am left with the silence which tends to open me up to the stagnant emotion that needs to be felt and released. I struggle with just feeling through the emotion sometimes, though. It is hard not to become the effect of them.

As usual, last night I kept busy by watching a movie. This one was recommended to me by my husband. I never know what to expect of his recommendations. Sometimes they are duds, sometimes not. This one turned out to be a winner. It is called Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. I highly recommend it, and I don’t often recommend movies these days.

As is typical of my guidance, the movie brought to the surface some of that emotion for release. It had nothing to do with the movie, though there were plenty of moments to feel emotional during the movie. At first I could sense a guide in the distance to my left. He seemed a bit hidden, probably by my focus on the movie. The emotion was easily spotted and hit me in intervals – waves rather. By the end of the movie I had cried enough to be completely stopped up.

Most of what I felt has been with me all my life. It is a feeling of never-ending nothingness, pointlessness, and boredom with life. I see my life as an endless conglomeration of routine and safety. I crave change but then I also fear it. In the middle of the craving and fear is where I am stuck, immobile in indecision. Well, there is a decision, a decision to cling to the safe even though I want desperately to find an excuse to go on an adventure.

Then there is the unrequited love feeling that forever haunts me now. It is unending and torturous. I had never really understood what unrequited love was or felt like before but I do now.  The ache never ends. This feeling surfaced last night and was still with me when I awoke. It is something that I live with on a daily basis and apparently something I experienced in more than one previous life. In fact, I think when I entered this life it was with me, I just didn’t know its source. Knowing the source doesn’t help relieve it at.all. If anything, it makes it that much worse.

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This morning I was begging to be relieved of the pain once again. I see no point in trying to chase after love because I see it leading into an endless maze of which I have never reached the end in other lives. Without a known end (meaning I have only a dream of what it might be) there is hopelessness. The feeling that remains is similar to the first one I mentioned, the one of feeling stuck between craving and fear. In fact, it is the same feeling. The two are one in the same.

Add to all this the not knowing which is the right best choice for me (follow the craving or the safety?) and you get confusion and chaos, especially in my mind but also in my energy body. Up to this point, most often I follow the safest route. I hear my guidance asking me, “How’s that working for you?” Not good, I guess, though I do have more than enough in regards to security, money, material things. More than enough.

This morning the answer was provided but I don’t know how to go about what is being asked of me. It was, of course, “let go”, specifically of the past and the experiences that haunt me. If I could, I would erase all memory; wipe the slate clean. The obvious way to do that is to start a new life because, well, the memory is wiped clean to start anew. So, my immediate request is to be allowed to do that. Of course, that is not granted because I am suppose to be cleaning up this lifetime so that I can help humanity/man-kind with the ascension.

It was pointed out to me quite bluntly that I am clinging to the past and as such not moving forward, not allowing new opportunities to manifest and turning away from new paths because they don’t seem to lead me to where I want to go. This is screwing things up, taking me around and around in circles.

Yes, I have been here before, many times (circle).

This patterns is, of course, linked to my wanting to know where the path leads; to be in control, or at least feel in control. Ego wants what Ego wants. Period. This is what happens when one Forgets, which is, sadly, a human tendency. Not long ago I was Remembering and following my gut/heart/intuition while not resisting paths as they opened up to me. But I have fallen back into old patterns, forgotten all I have learned. So here I am learning it all over again.

Part of the reason for this regression is that I have unfinished business to attend to. Stuff I didn’t confront fully before because of inability to cope with the overwhelm of emotions that surfaced. My heart got so wide open that I was taking on humanities pain as my own and that was just too much. I actually fear that happening again, mostly because I feel an intense urge to do something about it but feel so insignificantly small and powerless. Somehow I have to be able to live with a wide-open heart, to take in all that comes with it and experience it completely without backing down, without fearing failure, and without any expectation. That is the only way to HOLD and ANCHOR the LIGHT.

OMG what did I sign up for? LOL

I realize now that for me to accomplish the above the masculine has to be synced up with me, supporting me and providing the strength needed to channel all that comes with a fully open heart. I see it in my mind as energy in the pattern of an infinity symbol. One side of the infinity loop goes through me, the other through him/the masculine. This could be the masculine with me, or an actual masculine counterpart I suppose. Or maybe both. But most definitely I have to have my own masculine side healed and be completely open and receptive to it. Yet I sense that it is both my own masculine and the collective masculine here. It feels like one cannot be truly complete/whole without the other.

I am reminded of something my guidance has told me time and time again, “You are not alone.” Also, “You are not meant to so this alone.” This I have said to others as well.


In writing this I am reminded of how I feel when I have synced up with the masculine, meaning come into Union, even if only for the very briefest of moments. The feeling of support is tangible. There is no fear. There is no past or future. There is only NOW and with it full acceptance/surrender to all possibility. I feel 100% capable of taking on anything and everything. Supported. Powerful. Able. Loved. My guidance says, “Imagine feeling that way all the time……It IS possible.”

I have been practicing breathing in the Bliss and Divine connection when I am stressed or feeling overtaxed in some way. It helps and sometimes I am even able to remove myself totally from the situation so that I can observe and not be the effect of it. It takes practice, but it works, and I am being urged to continue. So I will.

In between all this healing and transmuting and such there are the very real contracts I am still in the midst of working through. Life goes on. I still have obligations to others, lessons to complete that somehow tie into a bigger purpose, though I can’t quite see that whole picture yet. I feel it to be true, though.

From my viewpoint it all looks like a big, crappy mess of chaos. One that I will never untangle myself from. This is where Trust and Allowing come in. It probably means I will go down some paths that don’t look like they lead anywhere. And maybe they won’t. That isn’t the point, I’m told. The point is to practice Trust and Allowance to the point that I do so habitually. Eventually, the tangled mess around me will sort itself out.

My problem is always looking for the finish line. When we do that, we miss what is right in front of us for looking too far beyond it.

I’ll leave you with something I feel my guidance led me to this morning.