Yesterday I had been thinking about how I am rarely certain about what I want for myself. I seem to just float around from one thing to the next, but never really feel passionate about any one thing. I like lots of things and can do them all. So in thinking about this and remembering what I was told, I saw very clearly a pattern in my life. I attract to me individuals who want something that I can give them. When I meet them I finally feel I have a purpose. This has been in all relationships in my life but specifically noticeable in romantic relationships. In my relationships I help the other person to achieve their goals. That is my primary drive in the relationship. I did this knowingly for my first husband. I would not leave the relationship until I had helped him reach his goal. Without me he would never have achieved it. The same is happening in my current relationship, though we have had “mutual” goals along the way, his were my primary focus and continue to be.
I saw very clearly why I had created in this life’s personality the lack of individual motivation toward any one particular career or life goal. My purpose is to help others, not myself. I purposely created in this life a need for others to inspire within me my own purpose . Without these others my own purpose is diminished and unable to be completely realized. What they want I help them get and through helping them I am able to fulfill my purpose.
This is not the first time I have recognized this about myself and life. In the past I always saw it as a negative thing, as a weakness of mine that needed to be overcome. Therefore, I have resisted helping my significant others achieve their goals, becoming stubborn and actively working against them at times. I never felt good doing that. In fact, when I was in this mode I felt awful and at my lowest. However, if I worked with them, to help them, my disposition shifted and I would be content. Yesterday, in seeing this pattern I saw it as purposeful. If I had not instilled in this life’s personality a lack of individual, well-defined purpose then I would not have been in the position of being willing to help those I had agreed to help. And being my mission is “to help” then wouldn’t it be best to make sure that my own motivation only be triggered via teaming up with another?
With this realization I remembered learning a while back that I am a Projector. This is one of the four types of human beings and their strategies as laid out in Human Design. A friend of mine introduced me to Human Design a while back and I submitted my information and was told that I am a Projector. I got my chart for free here if you are interested. This website offers you the ability to get more information about your energy type for free if you sign up (also free).
In my free chart I was given this information along with access to an explanation of the chart:
Life Theme: Bitterness
Strategy: Wait to be Invited
PROFILE: 6 / 2 Role Model Hermit
33-19 / 2-1 : The left angle cross of Refinement
Juxtaposition – Trans-Personal Karma
DEFINITION: Single Definition
AUTHORITY: Self Projected
As a Projector, I have to wait to be invited to help another person. In other words, their energy has to invite me in. I have experienced this in life. If someone is interested in me, then their energy is inviting. However, they can choose at any time to withdraw their invitation which to me results in a feeling of being “blocked” by them and thus feeling rejected. I am very sensitive to rejection and so have withdrawn much from others in this life. This goes hand-in-hand with what my chart indicates: Hermit. lol I do feel very bitter when I am rejected and this has also led to me learning to wait rather than to try and force myself to be invited by others. So, overall, what I have learned from my chart supports my life experiences and has helped me to understand more about my life and relationships.
From what my friend told me, Projectors are usually connected to Manifestors and Manifestor Generators. I had the charts of my family members done and found that my entire family (husband and all three children) are Generators and Manifestor Generators.
I am still exploring the website to learn more about my chart, the channels, centers and gates. It is all very fascinating. Here is just some of what my chart reveals about me:
My defined centers (fixed and reliable aspects of Self):
- Throat – Themes: Communication, Manifestation, Materialization, Contact with the Exterior worlds, Outlet for Energy and Expression, Speaking and Doing
- G Center – Identity of Self; Themes: identity, love and direction
My open centers (an open center is a conditioning receptor which creates the Not-Self (Ego).:
- Root – Always in a hurry to feel free of pressure.
- Sacral – Not knowing when enough is enough.
- Spleen – Holding onto what isn’t good for you.
- Solar Plexus – Avoiding confrontation and truth.
- Heart – Feeling unworthy and undervalued.
- Anja – Pretending to be certain.
- Head – Thinking about things that don’t matter.
If you decide to have your chart done, please share your energy type and your take on what Human Design revealed about you.