So yesterday my abdominal cramping was nonexistent and I was back to “normal”. Unfortunately, my daughter had a 101 degree fever and was complaining of a sore throat and dizziness. Her fever is gone this morning but it made for a tough day for her.
Last night I was feeling that “doing” energy but at the same time a “don’t do” energy. It made me think of the future but not act on it. I was browsing the internet for jobs and if I found one I was interested in the feeling from it was “not yet”. I am wanting to take action to help pull me out of this funk but no-action is what is needed. No-action can be the toughest on me but indicates deeper introspection is needed on my part. Sigh. I feel like I am always digging deeper.
Prior to bed I was feeling the familiar emptiness that has haunted me most of my life. The dead but not-dead, walking dead, feeling that comes from an unwillingness to “see” and “hear” what is right in front of me. When I asked for help from my guidance I was asked if I was sure I wanted to continue the work. I said I was, but then my dreams revealed my hesitancy to move forward and the reasons for it.
I woke up this morning crying from my dreams. In them I was being encouraged to open my heart again and fully allow the emotion to flow. But the pain associated with it was too much and I withdrew. In the dream I was with a man and we shared a deep connection but I was resistant to it. As I woke I could feel it still and was not happy, did not want it and was full-on rejecting it.
I ended up crying from the memory of all that transpired from opening my heart so fully. It surprised me that I still feel so much grief and loss. I thought I had put that behind me. I could see that my resistance to the negative emotion was keeping me from experiencing all the positive emotions. This pattern, this coping mechanism, is blocking my progress. But when I contact the pain I immediately retreat. I feel exhausted and unable to process it any further. For now the numb feeling is preferable to the pain, grief and loss. Even in the dream, just touching on the bliss and unconditional love was uncomfortable. I want badly to embrace it but the fear of it all being destroyed, of the utter annihilation of self that results, drives me away. I am tortured by the simultaneous draw to and repulsion from this love. Yet I know the only way to resolve it is to embrace it. I just can’t. Maybe I never will? But I don’t know how I can live in such a state for the remainder of this lifetime. Being numb is no longer acceptable now that I know what it feels like to truly be alive.
My dreams make a whole hell of a lot of sense to me now. Prison. Walls. Protection. Running. I am trying desperately to protect myself from myself. Ha! Peace is found at the center if I can only stay there and stop teeter-tottering from one extreme to the other.
I am being encouraged to heal. No movement, or progress forward can be made until I do. But healing means time alone, time to process, time to feel fully all the emotion that is coming up for release. As long as I have distractions I will be distracted. This is a choice. An avoidance routine (routine being the key word here). And I’m really, really good at avoidance. I don’t know why I am so scared of what I will find. I am certain it is not as bad as it seems.
I have been laying in the sun frequently the last few days. I feel a need to be in it despite how hot and humid it has been here in Texas. I stay until I just cannot bear it and then retreat inside. Afterward I feel like I’ve been in a sauna and purged a huge amount of crap from my pores. Probably a good thing. Plus I’m getting a nice tan. 😉
Today, after my sun time, I retreated to my room to meditate. Within minutes of starting the meditation I began to drift in a dreamy state, visualizing myself walking to the edge of a river. I could see the boulders surrounding the crystal clear water and the mountains towering in the background. I sat cross legged at the water’s edge and closed my eyes. Tears began to trickle down my face and a slight melancholy visited me.
Not long after, I could feel a person approaching from behind. They walked up to me and paused, focusing in on me. I kept my eyes closed and did not try to hide my tears. I knew they were standing over me and I felt an energy that was gentle and calming. I looked up, opening my eyes, and could not make out their face because the sun was behind them. I smiled, though, as if I knew who the visitor was.
I heard a voice with a slight accent ask me if I was alright. The voice was audible and brought me out of my dreamy state and back into my mediation. I had not realized I had drifted into the in-between but it did not take long for me to realize one of my guides had taken advantage of the situation. I returned to the dream-scene I had created and smiled back at my guide. Only then did I recognize the place I had taken myself, an area I had visited in Mt. Shasta.
My guide continued to stand over me, only now I could feel him both in the dreamy state as well as behind my physical body in meditation. He asked me something I can’t recall and tears began to pour out of my eyes. He kept asking me questions about how I was feeling and the tears kept flowing. I remember telling him I felt like I had lost everything. He said, “Have you considered that perhaps you have in fact gained everything?” I said, “And I just have not been able to see it?” He nodded. I considered it, finding clarity for the briefest of moments, but then began to cry again because in considering it I again felt the grief and loss. He asked me to sit with the feeling, to stay in my heart. As I did the grief passed and the possibility of what he said was no longer implausible. Perhaps I have been given a gift and have just not been able to see it or appreciate it for what it is because I am still clinging to what I expected it to be?