Current Happenings and More Anxiety

It’s been a busy last few days and it will just get busier with the Thanksgiving holiday and my wedding anniversary next week. This week went fast with all that was scheduled in. On Thursday my morning was spent having Thanksgiving lunch with my kids at their school. Yesterday there was a poems and pies event that the 1st graders presented (my son’s grade level) and my mom and brother joined us. Today we have a family photo session booked, the first in three years.

thanksgiving

Me and my daughter at her school for Thanksgiving lunch.

Goodbye Braces!

Friday was a big day for me. I got my braces removed! I had them for 18 months, 6+ of which was to correct an overbite. I still have a slight overbite because I am missing one of my lower front teeth. It’s genetic/hereditary and the tooth has never been there. However, I could care less. I just wanted to fix my top teeth which have been crooked since my teens.

Here are before/after images. Most of you probably see no issue with my before image but after years of hiding my smile and being called “snaggle tooth” (lovingly) by my family and friends I finally fixed my smile. According to my orthodontist, fixing my bite was the best thing I could have done because it was wearing away the tops of my lower teeth. By my 60s-70s it was likely I would have had worn down my lower, front teeth to nothing but jagged stubs.

Sept 2017 (1).png

What is interesting about my braces coming off is that over a year ago, when in the midst of some intense life lessons, I recall thinking about my future and the timing of certain life decisions/events – decisions I badly wanted to make but felt would be “too soon” if I did. At the time I kept thinking, “I need to wait until my braces come off.” I convinced myself it was because it would be more convenient and left it at that. However, during the days leading to the day they actually were removed the memory of that decision/thought from way back in 2016 returned to me as if saying, “The time is near.” Could I have somehow known something significant way back then was connected to this time in my life? IDK, I guess I will know soon enough.

Anxiety

Last night my husband and I went to another of his company functions to celebrate the company’s success. The company does this frequently and I’ve attended several already this year. The celebration began at the Roaring Fork restaurant and after we attended a performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard at the The Paramount Theatre.

I had a pretty good time but, like the last two events, I had a drink and it brought on anxiety. This time, however, I opted to not finish my drink and was able to stave off the anxiety for the most part. After I gave my drink away (lol) I continued to have waves of panic hit but they were moderate to low. The feeling that would come over me was that I suddenly heard every noise loudly and my senses in general felt overloaded. It was as if I was overly aware of every.single.person in the room.

By the time we were in the Paramount watching the show, the anxiety was still threatening and I finally had to close my eyes and imagine myself within a sphere of golden light/protection. I did this with the suspicion that my anxiety was being fueled by my being too open and thus feeling “exposed” because by that point there was no alcohol in my system. To my surprise my protection visualization worked and all anxiety vanished as if it was never there. However, afterward I got super tired to the point of hardly being able to keep my eyes open. We ended up leaving during the intermission and missing the second half of the show.

I am coming to the conclusion that alcohol is a no-no for me now. I have come to that conclusion before but continue to shrug it off and try it out again and again with the same results. Sigh. Why can’t I just enjoy a glass of wine or a margarita every once in a while!?

It may also be that I am having my “one drink” when in social situations and it somehow causes me to be too wide open and so overwhelms me. Last night it felt like I was lost in a crowd, like there was a sea of faces and thoughts that were about to drown me. I would feel light headed and dizzy and then fight it only to have the feeling come on again. It really sucked.

The performance by Ray Wylie Hubbard was really good, however. There were only three people on the stage – Hubbard, his son on guitar and another guy on the drums. The acoustics were perfect – not too loud – and it made one feel like I was sitting around in a circle “jamming” with the band. I thought, “Now this is MY kind of concert!” And Hubbard was funny and talented and made the audience feel like his old buddy.

There was a song he sang with a phrase that really hit home. The phrase was “And the days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations…Well, I have really good days”. The song was Mother Blues. In hearing that I thought, “This guy Knows.”

Other Things

I continue to have odd Knowings that I shrug off for the most part. I am too busy to give them much notice. One day, however, I woke up and had a really strong Knowing that led me to shed a few tears. This was the day after I got the dream message that a “Northern” was coming in. A family upset had occurred that same night that was very much like a “storm” and the next morning I woke up in a funk over it. Later, I stumbled upon this post which helped explain what I was feeling.

The same day, while browsing the web for job openings, I discovered the perfect position and so applied straight away. I have pretty much decided that the only way for me to move forward now is to get back to work regardless of what it might mean for me and my future. I have it clear in my mind the requirements of my next position. I find when I am specific of what I want that it does come to me in time. The amount of time can vary but it always comes exactly when it is needed/meant to.

This all goes along with the message I received not long ago: Reach. Hiding from life, fearful of what might come next, is no way to live. The fear is understandable for me. I have been through so much and the recovery is ongoing. But no one can heal when they hide from life. Hiding is not healing, it is hurting. One must REACH for what they want even if it is scary, even if it might lead to more hurt or disappointment. The only time one truly lives is when there is risk involved. Anything else is not really living.

Every man dies, not every man truly lives. ~ William Wallace, Braveheart

 

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Anxiety Issues

Another reprieve this morning. No tears. However, yesterday I had a sudden, low blood sugar induced panic attack at the gym. I nearly passed out in the midst of exercising! It was super scary, more than the other times. After this incident I had a headache and felt off for a good three hours.

In considering these scary events I’ve concluded that it is the gym environment that is to blame. I exercise with the same or greater intensity at home and have not once – ever – experienced what happens to me at the gym. In fact, I have exercised with even less food in my system and not had any issue. Yet for some reason at the gym I suffer these “attacks”. What exactly it is about the gym is hard to say. Likely it is the energy of other people combined with the drive home that contributes. My mind goes into “what if” mode inducing the panic and from there it snowballs. Yesterday my thoughts preceding the incident were, “I haven’t eaten enough today. I should have stayed home.” Followed by memories of previous incidents and worries over passing out in a public place. Within a minute of these thoughts my heart rate skyrocketed and I began to lose my vision. So it wasn’t the low blood sugar in and of itself that was the cause.

Anxiety/panic is not a normal for me, but at one point in my spiritual journey I suffered from panic attacks quite frequently. In the early stages, right after I began meditating consistently, I sometimes had panic attacks while meditating and would often wake up with them. These were so bad I literally thought I was dying from a heart attack – chest pains, shortness of breath, pounding heart – the works. Later, from 2011-2013, when I was suffering from major insomnia, I would have panic attacks while driving home from work. Those are super scary! Yesterday, after making it home, the panic remained for a couple of hours and I experienced a similar anxiety to an episode in 2012 where it felt like I was leaving my body via my crown. It is not a typical fainting feeling but more like being sucked upward with such velocity that it terrifies me. I really, really hate it.

Yesterday left me feeling very shaky and concerned. So, I think I will be avoiding the gym for a while, maybe permanently. 😦

Dreams

You would think after such a busy afternoon that I would be exhausted come evening. Well, I was, but I slept super light and woke frequently. I have been awake since 5am. Throughout the night I had vivid dreams.

I spent most of the night traveling by airplane (rising to a new level). In one instance I was in line to buy a ticket (new start) to South America (resolution of conflict). I was with a group discussing my options. They wanted me to join them but I was hesitant. I didn’t want to leave my children, specifically my middle child and oldest son. What is funny is that I swear we were in India. This dream lasted the entire first part of the night and left me feeling split between my spiritual family and my Earth family.

In the next dream I was actually in an airplane traveling home. I decided mid-flight that I wanted to go to a Disney (seeking happiness) theme park and was looking up the locations across the world. I found one in Wisconsin of all places. On a whim I decided to visit. I arrived almost as soon as I made the decision. This “Disney” was not a theme park but more of an aquarium exhibiting sea life. I recall picking up a toy sea turtle (emotionally reserved) while there.

On my way home I realized I lost my debit card (careless, concerned about security) and went into a panic. I had to buy another ticket and recall calming down when I realized I had a credit card and cash. Yet the anxiety “woke” me up and I spent what seemed like hours in the in-between trying to figure out where my debit card was. lol

I entered yet another dream where I was a child (inner child) in a library (seeking knowledge). I recall seeing myself wearing a skirt hiked up enough to reveal my underwear (femininity). Then I was on the floor using a piece of chalk to write a message to myself. I can’t recall the whole message but it said something about a meeting on Thursday. I had thought it was Tuesday but changed it last minute. Later, I erased it to not get in trouble by the librarian but a little girl came by and said, “So you are meeting on Tuesday?” I said, “No, Thursday the 18th.”

Then I was in a bedroom sitting at a double desk. On the left I saw a dying beetle (end of destructive influences) on its back, legs still twitching. I told my sister that since it was on her side of the desk that she had to dispose of its body. I was told by a guide later that it was upsetting to her to have to kill it and I saw her flushing it down the toilet.

When I finally awoke the message about the meeting came to mind suddenly. I thought, “Today is Thursday the 18th.” Yet I recall that the dream was referring to next week because I remember seeing it on the calendar. I also know that Tuesday is accurate and in checking the date it coincides with the message about the 23rd I received recently. As I mulled this over I received a vivid vision that shocked me into full wakefulness. My Companion presented me with a brilliantly colored hot air balloon (elevation, rising above depression) whose basket was filled to the brim with brightly colored balls (wholeness).

I couldn’t go back to sleep after that.

It appears that next week will be an eventful one for me.

Observations

An interesting thing happened yesterday that quite took me by surprise.

This year, like all the years since I married my husband, all the family met after Christmas to celebrate together the “Hedge Christmas”. The name comes from one year when the host used a bush as the Christmas tree and thus the name stuck ever since. In total, about 20 people sit cramped in a small living area and exchange gifts, one at a time. It usually takes at least three hours for the gift giving and in between we eat and chat and see family we have not seen in a long time. FYI – this “family” is not blood family, they are friends of my husband who he loves very much and the only relation is that his brother is married to a daughter who is related to the main family in this group. She is rarely ever in attendance BTW.

The celebration was set for the evening at 7pm, which is not the usual and I worried about my babies being tired as their bedtime is at 8:30pm. I asked the night before for my guides to help me through the event because every year I end up a knot of nerves and unsettled energy. I never quite feel comfortable and always want to leave as soon as I can.

The big surprise for me was that I did not once, NOT ONCE, feel unsettled, anxious, fidgety or energetically unbalanced. In fact, I felt completely calm, relaxed and comfortable. The event went well, though my children did end up screaming and crying from being overtired and wanting their beds. Funny enough, even my children’s crying and misbehavior did not get on my nerves.

When I got in the car to head home I quietly congratulated myself and searched in vain for the knot of energy that typically sits in my stomach after such an event. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I was so unsure what to do with this new feeling that I even tried to conjure up the familiar feeling, certain that I must have missed it somewhere in the chaos of crying children and gift giving.

I couldn’t find it…..anywhere.

Observations

One of the things I was able to do at this family event was take notice of the reactions of different individuals to me. I mainly do this by paying attention to their responses and to how their energy feels.

One particular young lady I know is very cautious of me. I am deserving of this and feel bad that I have made her cautious of me. I never intended any rudeness toward her, but in the past I have been in a not so good place around her and I have a tendency to snap and give off negative vibes when I feel overwhelmed energetically. Rather than let my ego respond to her cautious response to me, I merely recognized my responsibility for it and knew that it would take a long time to repair. I knew to only send her positive vibes and treat her as I would treat myself from now on and that eventually she would let down her guard. I obviously hurt her and like anyone who has been hurt she responded by putting up her guard. I would do the same.

This young lady is in fact the one whose face I kept seeing when I was doing yoga. From the experience I recognized that I often reject in others that which I have denied myself. This young lady is happy, naively innocent in many ways, and generally good-natured and warm-hearted. So when I was around her in the past I was not very nice to her.

With other individuals in the group, I did not find the same energy. Most were happy to have me respond differently to the situation and I even got hugs from them. Some even reacted in surprise to my calm, open receptiveness. But with them all there was an uncertainty there as if they secretly wondered, “How will she be tonight?”

My husband has told me that most of them are afraid of me. I laugh at that because I am truly very harmless. However, I am loud and blunt and often say things that come out all wrong and with the wrong energy. Though I have not done this to most of them, they have heard about me and so my reputation has them a bit nervous.

Yes, I can be that bad. I am not very fun when I feel trapped. I am like a hyper bird in a cage who keeps bumping their head into the bars in an attempt to get free. If someone happens to be in my way, well they end up with a wing in their face unfortunately.

I am working on that. lol

After last night’s victory, I was able to see that I have not lately had much of that anxious energy that I have lived with my entire life. Usually, when I am in groups the energy is really bad and can make me literally run the other way. This mostly happens in groups larger than five people, even family groups larger than this. During my first spiritual awakening this feeling intensified and would rise up to my throat and cause me to noticeably shake and tremble. I learned quickly that this rise of energy was connected to Spirit and how to control it and it soon stopped almost completely. But there still remained the nervous knot in my stomach that would cause me to eventually feel all the symptoms of major anxiety as listed in the DSM-IV (I think it is now DSM-V now though). At its worst, I felt this high anxiety even when alone.

This energy came back the day after the 12th of this month, when I had the intense kundalini energy. It rose up so fast within me that I ended up outside all day long in order to get it under control. I must admit, it is a scary feeling even for one who at one point was accustomed to it. I am in awe of my past self for surviving so many months of this feeling almost non-stop. How did I do it??

Denying Emotion

When I think about how different I feel I cannot help but connect it to message I keep getting from my guides. They have said, “You are changing” and “You have changed. Don’t you feel it?” And I am now seeing it, feeling it, more and more.

One of the things I am working on was made apparent to me last night in my sleep. I do not remember my dreams now but I was talking with a woman about emotion and holding pieces of what appeared to be pictures that represented emotions. When I awoke I said to someone (I was still conversing as if in the dream), “So denying emotion denies me access to myself?”

What I am able to remember from my dream discussion is that every time we avoid a situation because it causes us anxiety or discomfort, we are denying ourselves an opportunity to really know our Self. Because in each uncomfortable feeling, each uncomfortable experience, we are forced to grow and expand beyond our safe place. It forces us to glimpse within our Self a piece of the unknown; a piece of our forgotten Self. It also allows us to grow into acceptance of not only ourselves but of others. For in each expanding experience, each challenging, excruciatingly difficult confrontation with our Self, we expand also for everyone else.

So the next time I find myself sitting in an uncomfortable space, one that makes me want to run the other way or that fills me up with such anxiety and fear that I want to lash out at someone, I need to sit with the feelings and listen. I need to let the feelings flow through me and in doing that I will be able to see the truth behind them. And in seeing that truth be released from the fear, the anxiety and other negative feelings that result from the denial of that truth.

There really isn’t any horrible monster hiding behind that fear. It is only me.

Ascension Symptom Update

For the second half of the day I have been feeling nudged to write an update on the symptoms I have been having since my most recent kundalini experience.

  • Vision fluctuations, specifically my left eye feels very obviously dominant over my right
  • Vision “shifts”; vision appears to freeze frame (this happens mostly at night)
  • Tingling and warmth in my feet
  • One clogged nostril, each night the opposite one will be clogged for no apparent reason at around the same time each night
  • Extremely high energy
  • Intermittent buzzing in heart chakra and third eye chakra
  • Interrupted sleep; when I wake up I feel rested and ready for the day even if I have only had a few hours of sleep
  • Change in breathing/breath; I breathe deeper and slower
  • Heart rhythm changes
  • Increased body temperature, especially in the morning
  • Profuse sweating, especially in the morning
  • Attraction to specific smells, ie. patchouli oil, frankincense, and cinnamon

In addition to these symptoms I was asked to examine certain aspects of my life:

  • Physical exercise – change type and frequency
  • Harmful toxins – reduce or eliminate completely
  • Relationships  – examine them using the heart rather than the mind
  • Compassion – develop more for self and others
  • Fear – question fear-based life patterns

I Wish I Were a Man

I had hoped that all the changes I have made in my life lately would lead me to more well-being and overall happiness. At first it did, but lately I have been struggling.

Overwhelm

I am feeling overwhelmed – again. The whole purpose of quitting my negative job and moving away from family and their dramas was to help ease the overwhelm I had been feeling. Unfortunately, even though I cut down my hours of work and have more time to spend with my children, I am still feeling overly burdened by all the responsibility my roles in life have given me. I try to prioritize so that I lighten that burden, but even dropping things I normally require of myself, I find that I am running myself ragged with the things I need to do. All along I have such intense resentment towards my husband because it seems he contributes so little to the long list of things that need to be done daily. He, of course, feels he is doing more than his share and also feels the burden of all that needs to be done.

I don’t honestly think there is a solution other than me letting things just completely go to pot or hiring a live-in nanny. The first is out of the question as I cannot stand to live in filth and disorder. To see the kitchen sink full of dishes bothers me and I end up doing them despite telling myself “Let them be”. I can’t stand our new wood floor being covered with slobber marks from our little one who crawls everywhere leaving a slobber trail behind him. I try to let it stay dirty as long as I can stand but ideally I would be cleaning it every day, sometimes more than once a day, just to keep it nice. I see every spot, every shoe or piece of clothing, every toy, every speck of dirt, every dusty shelf, every dirty dish, every drip mark on the floor, every smudge and fingerprint. Each out of place thing makes me feel uneasy and if not fixed and put in its rightful place bothers me until I end up an irritable, uneasy and very unhappy momma. And when I do finally give in and clean, my children or husband seem to immediately undo it right in front of my eyes. It becomes so exasperating that I see no point in bothering to make things nice when no one is helping me keep it that way and does not seem to even notice what I do.

The second solution is just too damn expensive. A live-in nanny would cost all of my income and more. Plus, I highly doubt just anyone would do and I can’t image they would keep my house in the shape I would like it to be – I can’t even do that! Then there is living with a stranger all the time. I think I would probably drive her out by week’s end, either that or I would leave.

I Hate Being a Woman

The obvious solution is just to let it go and live with that which I despise. My home is my pride and joy and to see it completely wrecked all the time makes me not even want to be in my home. In fact, I can’t even find one place that is not chaotic. I need a place that is not chaotic! The best I can do is shut off the lights and hide in my son’s bedroom. It is the only room in the house that is orderly enough for me to somewhat relax.

I feel that I am expected to be this perfect person, keeping it all together and looking good despite it. I swear I won’t be a woman again in my next life. I hate it. I hate the expectations that society places upon women. We are expected to be super human – working outside the home while also keeping everything in order inside the home. I am the primary childcare giver, the dinner-maker, the bill-payer, the keep-it-all-together superwoman. When the children cry, they look for me, not daddy. When they are hungry, they want mommy. Yet when mommy wants something for herself there is some kind of inborn mechanism in children that makes them instantly demand attention. On top of all this, daddy also wants all of mommy’s attention and then gets mad when mommy says “No” and runs to the other side of the house to hide, hoping for even the briefest moment of alone-time. Doesn’t he know how much of my day is spent providing for everyone else but myself? To expect I have even an ounce of anything left to give him is ridiculous! Yet he whines and acts similarly to the children. Is that inborn? Is that a typical man-thing?

On top of all this there is the way I look. I have no time to look good anymore. In fact, I chopped all my hair off last weekend because I was sick and tired of trying to straighten my thick, coarse, unruly hair. Now I can just put my hands through it but the reaction I get from my family? My daughter cried and my husband said, “You look good” with a look on his face that said the opposite. My own mother, when she saw my hair, looked at me and said, “You look like your sister”, which I immediately took as an insult and she knew I would. But now I have 10 more minutes of sleep in the morning. 10 more minutes of me time. I say it is worth it. Screw all those who think I don’t look good.

But I think the worst part of all this stress and trying to live up to unrealistic expectations is the toll it is taking on my skin. My face is breaking out again and every time I look at myself I think I look tired, unhappy and ugly. I am back on antibiotics to try and help with the acne issue but it doesn’t help the tired eyes or droopy-looking skin that seemingly appeared overnight. I am starting to wonder if I am going to have to be on antibiotics the rest of my life just to keep the stress acne at bay so that I can at least somewhat appear to be keeping it together.

And finally I have this major anxiety of becoming so overcome with all the things I have to do that I let myself go completely and turn into one of those women who has allowed herself to gain unsightly pounds and walks around like a zombie in Wal-Mart wearing no makeup, hair a mess and children crying and tugging at her clothes. I work out three days a week and eat a very clean diet just to make sure my body doesn’t go to pot. I get tons of compliments on how I look. “Wow! You have a seven-month old? You look fantastic!”, is a common reaction I get from other women. One would think this would make me feel better, but it doesn’t. If they only knew how much effort it took just to work out the three days a week I do work out in order to keep my body looking good. I sometimes wonder why I do it. What is the point? Oh yeah, that is what is expected of me – society wants me to be superwoman so I oblige. I wish I could revolt but I just can’t.

Like I said, I hate being a woman. Men have it so much better (or so it seems).

Solutions?

I am begging my guide to help me find a solution. I can’t seem to find one, though. The only solution that seems obvious is for me to pack up my bags and leave and be gone for a very long time. When I think of just letting things go or accepting one thing or the other as a solution it just doesn’t work. I try to accept it, but it isn’t fair and ultimately I end up angry or completely deflated and depressed. The letting go part doesn’t work either. The dishes don’t get done, the floor doesn’t get cleaned, the laundry doesn’t get done, nothing gets done, it just gets dirtier. One would think my husband would step up, but he doesn’t even seem to notice. Ultimately I end up having to wash dishes so we can eat or having to clean clothes so me and the children have something to wear. If I don’t pay the bills, well they don’t get paid. What then? Lose our home? Lose our car?

Just in case you are wondering how I find time to type in my blog – I have been working on this post for over an hour. I have been called away by mother duties at least 7 times. The normal call comes from my 3-year old who thinks he will die if he doesn’t get a sippy cup of juice or a snack that very instant. I dream of days when I don’t hear whiny cries the minute I wake up until the minute I go to sleep.

Cat Mystery Solved

I have been having cats in both my dreams and OBEs for some time now. It has gotten really irritating. Well, today I think I understand what they were trying to tell me.

The Woes of a Child

I got to meet a wonderful girl today. She taught me so much! What did she teach me? That I am not alone. Neither is she.

I listened as this girl told me about how I would think she was crazy. I listened as she told me how the Bible warned against “bad” spirits. I listened when she told me she was sometimes called “Cat lady”. I listened and was amazed.

I watched as I listened. Watched as she refused to look me in the eye. What did she think I was going to see in there? Her soul? Perhaps. I can definitely understand that.

I watched as I saw her try to control the huge amounts of energy pouring through her little body. She did a good job, but I could still see as she shook, as if suddenly cold. When I asked her about it she looked confused and said, “I think I’m just cold” – I think. I asked her if she thought maybe it was because she was trying to hold in her emotions and told her it sometimes happened to me, too. She looked at me wide-eyed and said nothing, but I know she understood.

The story she told me was what brought on the shakes. She loved cats but one her beloved feline friends went missing one day. She couldn’t find him but she thinks he is still around, in Spirit. But then spirit is bad, she said, and so she must be crazy. I wanted to tell her she wasn’t crazy, that Spirit is real and not bad. I wanted to tell her I could sense Spirit near her and that was why she was shaking.

Then she told me of another cat friend and how he died. And then she told the story of how he came to visit her after she had hurt herself. She said she felt his fur as he rubbed up against her leg and she saw his coloring, black and white just like she remembered. Black and white.

I told her she wasn’t crazy. I told her she was special. Inside I was amazed and validated. It was a good day.

Other Realizations

I had another realization today. Hypoglycemia – low blood sugar. It’s symptoms are often mistaken for mental disorders. Why? Because they are the same symptoms!

  • Heart palpitations (rapid or irregular heartbeat)
  • Shaking
  • Sweating
  • Paleness, cold/clammy skin
  • Nausea
  • Seeing flashes of light.
  • Dilated pupils (a common fear-response symptom)
  • Moodiness
  • Negative attitude
  • Exaggeration of relatively minor problems
  • Hunger
  • Slurred speech, can be mistaken for drunkenness
  • Blank look, zombie-like behavior        *Source

Why does this matter? Because I have been diagnosed with depression, dysthymia, Bipolar II and General Anxiety at different times in my life. I was accurately diagnosed with hypoglycemia in 2005. I changed my eating, eating more frequently and eating better foods, and it helped – immensely. And now, as I have been going through similar symptoms from my past I realize that I have not been eating well again. And of course my mood changes are directly linked to my diet.

Another thing I realized (and don’t take offense if you are a firm believer in this) but when I was going through my spiritual awakening, prior to being diagnosed with hypoglycemia, I thought the crazy shaking feeling and other symptoms were because I was not “grounded”. Well that is what everyone told me anyway. Grounding is to connect your energy with the Earth to create a solid link, etc, etc. I never really understood it and it never really helped to do the grounding techniques people told me about. Now I know that my intuition was accurate. I didn’t need to ground, I just needed to eat!

Now the shaking from Spirit, that is a different shaking than caused by hypoglycemia, though I am sure low blood sugar just makes it worse. When Spirit connects with a medium, or someone receptive to them, they can overwhelm them with their energy and this overload causes the medium to shake as if they are very cold. Some will even say they are cold. It also comes with intense emotions that are confusing to an inexperienced medium. So don’t confused hypoglycemic shaking with those caused by Spirit – two totally different things.

Sinking In

So today has been full of “ah-ha’s” and I am still processing everything. On top of the major things, I also had a great conversation with a co-worker. I got chills as we talked and I knew it was a good thing. Chills, or psychic chills as some call them, is a phenomenon that occurs when your energy and the energy of another person(s) or a situation is significant in some way and your energy and the other energy “connect” in just the right way as to intensify the overall energy. It could be that there is a connection between you and an individual or that Truth has been revealed in some way. All in all, the chills I got were localized to my left shoulder, which always says to me that my guide is there reminding me, “This is GOOD”. It always fills me will joy and the sensations intensify. They feel wonderful, like I am loved. I love me some good psychic chills!!!

As the day sinks in more and more I am in awe of how things work. I am so dense and human; impatient and always complaining when things are slow or don’t go as fast as I want them to. It always surprised me when these kinds of things happen and then, of course, I want them all the time. But that is not how life works. There are valleys and hills and I just need to remember that and ride the roller coaster down and suck all the enjoyment out of it that I can to help me through the low times. At the top is the thrill and a voice says, “Bring it on!”. At the bottom there is the despair and a voice says, “Make it stop”. In between is the hard part because the voice says, “What next? What do I do now?” The endless in-between or so it seems.

Patterns

Yesterday I woke up in a sour mood. I hate it when that happens. Thankfully, the day morphed into a great day and, looking back, I think there is much to learn from what occurred.

Patterns

Perhaps it is the yoga I have now been doing for over two weeks. Or maybe it is my new job and the new people and challenges I encounter there. Or maybe it is the essential oils I have been using to help with my emotions. Finally, maybe it is the energetic changes that are wide spread right now, mine being particularly grueling. Whatever it is, I am beginning to see the patterns in my life. They are emerging along with huge shifts in mood and motivation.

1. I am not a morning person. I hate waking up and having to go right into life and the countless, repetitive tasks I must go through day in and day out. This has been a pattern in my life for as long as I can remember. I am not even sure when it started but I know for certain I was this way in my teens.

2. I am a mess of stress. Stressful thoughts follow me everywhere. My mind is worry machine. My body screams at me with tension every morning when I wake up and throughout the day. My back is especially hard hit.

3. I am also a perfectionist. This goes along with my constant worrying and stress. You can’t be a perfectionist without worry and stress. If things don’t go the way I planned I get irritated and frantic. I am not as bad as I once was, but I am still pretty darn bad.

4. I am a creature of habit. Although I swear I hate the repetitive routines of my life, I take comfort in them and look forward to the reassurance they offer me. I often don’t do new things because they are not part of my routine, though every once in a while I will take the plunge and do something new and unexpected.

5. My life mirrors me. What I mean in that is that I attract that which I send out. For example, in the past, when I gave readings (mediumship or other) there was always a message in the reading that not only helped the sitter but also helped me. Even now, when I meet with someone to help them their issues are always eerily similar to my own. And I am definitely not blind to it. So I take each encounter as a learning experience.

time_joakim_kraemer_photography_Synchronicity

I am also seeing the messages popping up everywhere and they point at wide scale change within me.The messages mostly come in the form of synchronicity. Yoga was the first big message that came to me that way, but I was especially dense when it came to hearing it. Once I realized that messages were coming in this way, though, I began to take notice of them.

Currently, the message I am getting is that I need to work on my circular thinking patterns. Mainly, my worry brain. The message first came through at work and continues to reappear there. First it came with just being told that anxiety was a major concern. Then it began to appear weekly and then daily. I was encouraged to look into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) as I began to problem solve situations that continued to arise. This message was reinforced when I got a private message from a friend of mine mentioning the exact therapy!

If you don’t know much about CBT, this is what Wikipedia says about it:

A psychotherapeutic approach that addresses dysfunctional emotions, maladaptive behaviors and cognitive processes and contents through a number of goal-oriented, explicit systematic procedures. The name refers to behavior therapy, cognitive therapy, and to therapy based upon a combination of basic behavioral and cognitive principles and research. Most therapists working with patients dealing with anxiety and depression use a blend of cognitive and behavioral therapy. This technique acknowledges that there may be behaviors that cannot be controlled through rational thought. CBT is “problem focused” (undertaken for specific problems) and “action oriented” (therapist tries to assist the client in selecting specific strategies to help address those problems).

There is also the message that I need to work on my past issues from school. Not only do I get this message almost daily from my work encounters but I was basically told that by a superior of mine. He said that we are drawn to work with the age-groups we do because we have not resolved issues from that time in our lives. Bulls-eye! He could not have said it better. And what has been happening since then? I have been having dreams involving issues from my school years, specifically group situations in which I struggled. At the same time I am encountering similar situations in the clients I work with. And these are long-standing issues because I am devoted over 10 years of my life to resolving issues from my school years. Ouch. I sure hope that I can propel healing in these areas and free myself of this cycle.

Healing

Finally, there is the healing that has hit me twice as hard since my move. The up’s and down’s of my emotions have made it the most difficult healing I have ever experienced except maybe the time when I went through my dark-night-of-the-soul. This is very, very similar, though.

Yoga, I think, is helping, though right now it seems to be accelerating the uncomfortable parts of the process. I am much more aware of my body and so I am more aware of how much stress I carry in my body. I am listening, though, and taking time to relax when my body signals me to. I recently got a book from a friend about healing emotions with essential oils and have been adding oils into my daily regime. So far I have not noticed much but I need to give it time. I have this intense urge to accelerate my already accelerated healing. I am not even sure this is a good thing but I have to trust my intuition on this.

The kundalini energy I was experiencing has stopped, for now. I did wake up the other night feeling it starting to rise, but it kept waking me up and it seems that me being conscious immediately stopped it. It never got past my second chakra. This is a disappointment for me. So I have been meditating more. Meditation not only helps with my stress but also encourages healing.

I did have a breakthrough yesterday with stopping my circular thinking. I spent 6 hours painting three bedrooms. It was a family effort actually and my kids ended up covered in paint (all but the baby). I went to bed exhausted and happy. I also realized that not once while I was painting did I think about anything except the moment I was in. What bliss! It was wonderful to not be burdened with excessive worry for 6 hours. I think I can use my experience to help me experience longer and longer periods of being in the moment. My husband said it right – the more purpose we have, the happier we are. I guess it works even if our purpose is to paint three bedrooms!